Jay Shetty PodcastJay & Radhi: The BIGGEST LIE About “The Right Time” to Have Kids
Radhi Devlukia on rethinking the “right time” for kids amid modern pressures today.
In this episode of Jay Shetty Podcast, featuring Radhi Devlukia and Radhi Devlukia, Jay & Radhi: The BIGGEST LIE About “The Right Time” to Have Kids explores rethinking the “right time” for kids amid modern pressures today They argue that asking “When are you having kids?” is often insensitive because it assumes desire and ability, and can trigger grief around miscarriage, IVF, body image, or financial stress.
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Rethinking the “right time” for kids amid modern pressures today
- They argue that asking “When are you having kids?” is often insensitive because it assumes desire and ability, and can trigger grief around miscarriage, IVF, body image, or financial stress.
- They reframe the conversation from finding a perfect timeline to assessing readiness for inevitable lifestyle changes like sleep loss, shifting relationship dynamics, and altered priorities.
- They highlight how social and cultural scripts equate parenthood with success and normalcy, while many people find purpose through other forms of “mothering/fathering” (community, work, service, adoption).
- They discuss modern constraints—rising costs of raising children, student debt, workplace/maternity leave realities, and career tradeoffs—driving later parenthood and anxiety about “falling behind.”
- They warn against having a child as a strategy to fix a broken relationship, noting it can intensify existing issues and place unfair pressure on the child.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasStop asking “when”; ask what someone wants and needs.
They suggest “Do you want kids?” (or not asking at all) is more respectful because “when” assumes desire, capability, and a predictable path—none of which are guaranteed.
The “right time” is less a date and more a readiness for change.
Their preferred framing is: “Do I understand how my life will change, and am I ready to embrace that?”—sleep, freedom, partnership dynamics, and identity all shift.
That one question can trigger multiple hidden pain points.
They connect “when are you having kids?” to miscarriage/IVF grief, body-image scrutiny (e.g., “are you pregnant?”), and feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.
Normalize later parenthood by looking at trends, not Instagram.
They cite research showing first-child age is rising (projected mid-30s), arguing statistics can reduce shame and the feeling of being “left behind.”
Money worries are a legitimate driver of delaying kids.
They cite figures like $233k–$310k to raise a child to 18 (excluding college) and note many adults delay parenthood because they don’t feel they can afford it.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesThere is no benefit of asking that question because if they know, they would've already told you, and if they don't know, you're making them anxious in some way. So actually, zero benefit in asking when are you having children.
— Radhi Devlukia
The idea of when are you having kids is the wrong question. I think the right questions are actually do I know how my life will change when I have a child, and am I ready to embrace that change?
— Jay Shetty
Motherhood is not- motherhood is not the only way to mother. You can mother a movement, a garden, a dream, or a community.
— Radhi Devlukia
You feel like a child having a child.
— Radhi Devlukia
There are so many couples who think having a child will help their relationship.
— Radhi Devlukia
QUESTIONS ANSWERED IN THIS EPISODE
5 questionsIf “when are you having kids?” has “zero benefit,” what are better questions friends/family can ask that still show care without prying?
They argue that asking “When are you having kids?” is often insensitive because it assumes desire and ability, and can trigger grief around miscarriage, IVF, body image, or financial stress.
You mention men can feel neglected after birth and statistics about increased cheating—what proactive conversations or agreements should couples have before pregnancy to reduce this risk?
They reframe the conversation from finding a perfect timeline to assessing readiness for inevitable lifestyle changes like sleep loss, shifting relationship dynamics, and altered priorities.
How should someone balance the biological realities of fertility decline with the mindset argument that being older can make you a better, more stable parent?
They highlight how social and cultural scripts equate parenthood with success and normalcy, while many people find purpose through other forms of “mothering/fathering” (community, work, service, adoption).
What’s your practical framework for deciding between “we’re not ready yet” versus “we’ll never feel fully ready,” especially for anxious perfectionists?
They discuss modern constraints—rising costs of raising children, student debt, workplace/maternity leave realities, and career tradeoffs—driving later parenthood and anxiety about “falling behind.”
For couples delaying kids due to finances, what are the first 3 concrete steps you’d take to evaluate affordability without catastrophizing?
They warn against having a child as a strategy to fix a broken relationship, noting it can intensify existing issues and place unfair pressure on the child.
Chapter Breakdown
Why “When are you having kids?” is a loaded, often harmful question
Jay and Radhi unpack how casually asking about kids can carry assumptions (that someone wants kids, can conceive, and is “behind” without them). They explain how the question can trigger anxiety, shame, or grief—despite usually being asked with good intentions.
The biological clock vs. modern timelines: pressure women feel in their 30s
Radhi explains the unique pressure women experience as fertility declines with age and society reinforces an “ideal” timeline. Jay adds data showing first-child ages are rising, which can normalize later parenthood and reduce the sense of being alone.
Ask “Do you want kids?”—and why assumptions can be deeply insensitive
They argue people often skip the more respectful question—whether someone even wants children—and jump straight to timing. They highlight how infertility, miscarriage, and IVF make pregnancy talk emotionally fraught and frequently retraumatizing.
Replacing “right time” with readiness: preparing for how life will change
Jay reframes the issue: you can’t perfectly time parenthood, but you can reflect on the changes it brings and your willingness to embrace them. They discuss shifts in sleep, freedom, priorities, and relationship dynamics—especially the reality that a baby becomes the primary focus.
Parenthood, identity, and alternative ways to “mother” and “father”
Radhi shares a quote about motherhood not being the only way to nurture: you can mother a movement, community, or dream. Jay reflects on how some people express paternal/maternal energy through service, teaching, or caretaking roles outside traditional parenting.
Money and delaying kids: the financial reality behind the fear
They explore finances as a major driver of delayed parenthood, citing data on how many adults postpone kids because they can’t afford them. Jay shares estimated costs of raising a child and explains how the kids question can trigger feelings of insecurity and unworthiness.
Societal scripts: why parenthood is treated as success and purpose
Jay challenges the cultural narrative that having kids (and a partner) defines a worthy life, referencing Tracee Ellis Ross on rejecting inherited scripts. Radhi contrasts this with religious/evolutionary framing that procreation is central—highlighting the tension many people feel.
The myth that a child will fix you or save a relationship
They strongly critique the idea of having a baby as a last-ditch solution for relationship problems or personal pain. Radhi distinguishes between a child creating a “tie” versus creating true “connection,” and Jay notes real-world examples where it worsened relationships and increased trauma.
Perfection is impossible: embracing mistakes, flexibility, and realism
Jay and Radhi emphasize that you can’t plan a perfect life stage for having kids because people and circumstances change. They advocate for adaptability and grace—accepting that parenting includes mistakes and imperfect moments without becoming neglectful or overly controlling.
Career, maternity leave, and the real meaning of “sacrifice”
They discuss how parenthood can slow career momentum, especially for women who take maternity leave or run businesses. Radhi reframes sacrifice as seasonal prioritization—planning ahead, letting go of “do it all,” and preparing emotionally for a changed pace.
Choosing your own timeline—and redefining what a fulfilling life looks like
They close by validating every point on the spectrum: wanting kids now, later, never, or through adoption. The core message is to stop living by society’s checklists and instead build a timeline aligned with your values, relationship, and capacity.
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