Jay Shetty Podcast#1 Body Language Expert: “Men Find This IRRESISTIBLE & Most Women Never Do It” - Try This ASAP
Jay Shetty and Vanessa Van Edwards on decode and project charisma using cues for dating, work, belonging.
In this episode of Jay Shetty Podcast, featuring Jay Shetty and Vanessa Van Edwards, #1 Body Language Expert: “Men Find This IRRESISTIBLE & Most Women Never Do It” - Try This ASAP explores decode and project charisma using cues for dating, work, belonging Confidence and charisma are learnable through controlling specific signals—your intended impression, your body language, your voice, and your words.
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Decode and project charisma using cues for dating, work, belonging
- Confidence and charisma are learnable through controlling specific signals—your intended impression, your body language, your voice, and your words.
- In dating, most people underestimate how subtle their flirting is; clear “availability” cues and a simple low-pressure “hey” dramatically increase approachability.
- Great conversations are built by breaking social scripts to create “me too” moments, playful interaction, and authentic reasons to like others rather than trying to sound impressive.
- Connection and safety improve when you can read cue cycles (decode–encode–internalize), spot incongruence and social-rejection cues, and get people “off script” to reveal real patterns.
- At work, trust judgments heavily depend on warmth and competence; women face a narrower acceptable band and can use tools (including AI) to calibrate cues in emails, profiles, and meetings.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasStart by defining how you want to be perceived.
Vanessa recommends choosing your current, bad-day, and ideal “first impression word,” then reverse-engineering the cues (voice, posture, expressions) that reliably produce that identity.
You’re far less “obvious” than you think when flirting.
Signal amplification bias means your subtle cues are usually missed; research observed it took about 29 flirtation/availability signals in 10 minutes for a woman to be approached.
Availability is a skill—use clear, repeatable cues.
Flirty glances (down-and-up), small smiles, brief self-touch, and simply saying a confident low-toned “hey” communicate openness with minimal risk and high clarity.
Vocal tone drives instant confidence judgments.
People assess confidence within ~200 milliseconds of hearing you; speaking on the out-breath and using the lowest end of your natural range increases perceived calm and authority without “faking” a persona.
Make “me too” moments the goal of small talk.
Instead of scripted questions (where are you from/what do you do), use context cues and similarity-seeking prompts to create shared threads that build connection quickly.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesWarmth and competence makes up 82% of our judgements of people. 82%.
— Vanessa Van Edwards
The most liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked.
— Vanessa Van Edwards
Life is too short to not hey.
— Vanessa Van Edwards
If you're trying to be interesting, it's worse than fake it till you make it. It's what do I have to do to perform for you?
— Vanessa Van Edwards
"Competence without warmth leaves us feeling suspicious."
— Vanessa Van Edwards
QUESTIONS ANSWERED IN THIS EPISODE
5 questionsHow should someone translate the “29 signals” idea into a concrete checklist in a real setting (gym/class/party) without feeling performative?
Confidence and charisma are learnable through controlling specific signals—your intended impression, your body language, your voice, and your words.
What are the most reliable “availability” cues for men specifically, and how do they differ from the cues Vanessa described for women?
In dating, most people underestimate how subtle their flirting is; clear “availability” cues and a simple low-pressure “hey” dramatically increase approachability.
Can you give examples of “context cues” that work in noisy or awkward environments where conversation is hard (clubs, conferences, crowded elevators)?
Great conversations are built by breaking social scripts to create “me too” moments, playful interaction, and authentic reasons to like others rather than trying to sound impressive.
Which three “script-breaking” answers do you recommend preparing for the most common questions (where are you from/what do you do/how are you)?
Connection and safety improve when you can read cue cycles (decode–encode–internalize), spot incongruence and social-rejection cues, and get people “off script” to reveal real patterns.
What’s the safest way to apply the road-trip/car challenge for early dating (boundaries, logistics, and red flags to watch for)?
At work, trust judgments heavily depend on warmth and competence; women face a narrower acceptable band and can use tools (including AI) to calibrate cues in emails, profiles, and meetings.
Chapter Breakdown
From feeling awkward to building a “charisma blueprint”
Vanessa frames her mission as helping “recovering awkward” people overcome self-doubt and the feeling of being underestimated. She introduces the idea that confidence can be built by learning a repeatable blueprint for the signals you send with body, voice, and words.
Choose your first-impression words: current, bad-day, and ideal
They run an exercise to identify how you currently come across, how you come across on a bad day, and how you want to come across. Vanessa explains that the cues you send don’t just affect perception—they shape how others treat you.
The hidden world of cues: why we misread faces and create cue cycles
Vanessa describes how people misinterpret neutral expressions as negative (the science behind “resting” faces) and how perception can create self-fulfilling cue loops. She introduces her framework of many cues (including microexpressions) and how decoding/encoding shapes interactions.
Dating signals aren’t landing: signal amplification bias and the ‘availability’ problem
Vanessa explains that most people think they’re being obvious when flirting, but they’re massively under-signaling. Research shows it can take dozens of signals for interest to register—and being “available” often matters more than objective attractiveness.
Flirty cues that work: eye patterns, small smiles, self-touch, and scent
Vanessa demos practical nonverbal behaviors that communicate openness and interest, especially eye-contact patterns and subtle smiles. She also explains self-touch as a flirt signal and shares research suggesting smell plays a role in both attraction and friendship formation.
The one-word move: saying “Hey” with confidence (and vocal power basics)
Vanessa recommends a low-pressure, high-impact opener: a simple “Hey,” delivered with the lowest natural, relaxed part of your voice. She explains how people judge confidence within 200 milliseconds and teaches how breath and resonance change how you’re received.
Start conversations without scripts: context cues, ‘me too’ moments, and aggressively liking people
After the opener, Vanessa teaches “context cues” (shared environment) to quickly create similarity and comfort. She reframes social success as maximizing “me too” moments and shares a study suggesting popular people are those who like the most people—then say it.
Why compliments often backfire—and how to make them connect instead
They explore why compliments can create discomfort and distance with strangers: they imply hierarchy and force awkward reciprocity. Vanessa suggests complimenting shared similarities or effort-based traits rather than immutable characteristics.
Break the ice creatively: scripted questions, playful ‘guessing games,’ and being memorable
Vanessa offers ways to escape repetitive small talk by preparing better answers to common questions and turning them into hooks and stories. She introduces playful verbal games (like “guess”) and explains how novelty creates dopamine, which increases memorability.
Graceful exits and steering talk with nonverbal cues (toes, gaze, nods)
Vanessa teaches a three-step “graceful exit” process using body orientation, reduced engagement cues, and a verbal bridge to future plans. She also explains how nodding patterns affect how long someone speaks—and how to use nods to encourage or wrap up.
Read red flags sooner: off-script dates, incongruence cues, and scent-based fear
Jay asks about negative cues we miss when infatuated; Vanessa argues we decide too fast with too little exposure. She recommends “off-script” experiences like a short road trip to observe behavior across contexts, then watch for incongruence between words and body language.
People-pleasing vs authentic connection: balancing warmth and competence
They differentiate learnable charisma from manipulation and show how people-pleasing often trades competence for being liked. Vanessa uses warmth/competence research to explain why both are needed to be trusted and respected, and why faking “me too” moments erodes trust.
Charisma vs narcissism: victim language, conflict patterns, and why cars reveal character
Vanessa explains how narcissists can appear highly charismatic early by signaling warmth and competence, then shift into predictable patterns. She highlights “deserve/worth” language, victim mode, and high-conflict dynamics—and recommends off-script settings to detect them sooner.
Women at work: the narrow ‘valley’ and using AI to audit your cues
They address the double bind competent women face: too warm can reduce credibility; too assertive can be labeled “bossy.” Vanessa recommends auditing written communication (LinkedIn, emails) for warmth/competence balance—using AI as a practical coaching tool.
Social energy and friendship strategy: introvert/extrovert/ambivert, awe, and ‘find your people’
Vanessa and Jay explore social batteries and why many people are ambiverts who can dial up socially but need recovery time. They discuss “ambivalent” relationships as draining, the idea that friendships can grow together or apart, and choosing relationships that inspire awe rather than checklists.
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
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