12 RSD Hacks That ACTUALLY Work

1. 0:00 – 2:22

   Intro

   1. APAlex Partridge0:00

      12 RSD Hacks That Actually Work. And this episode's important because I feel like over the last 12 months, there's been a huge uptick in awareness around what RSD is, what it feels like, what it can do to somebody, the impact it can have on the person's life. But I feel like the next step is really understanding, okay, I have RSD, I know that. What can I do to alleviate the, the, the pain that it causes? What's, what's things can I put around myself to help me actually live with it? Um, and I feel like maybe to set the foundation of the episode, it might be interesting just to recap of what it actually is, what it feels like, and then we'll go into the 12 hacks that, that really help you live with it.

   2. SPSpeaker0:44

      Cool. Yeah. I mean, everyone talks about RSD and just how agonizing it is.

   3. APAlex Partridge0:49

      Yeah, it feels like a punch to the chest-

   4. SPSpeaker0:51

      Yeah

   5. APAlex Partridge0:51

      ... when, when it's triggered.

   6. SPSpeaker0:52

      I just wish someone would write a book about it.

   7. APAlex Partridge0:54

      [laughs] Well, it's such a big topic that I'm so passionate about, and I, I did write a book on it, and it's called Why Does Everybody Hate Me? Living and Loving with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria-

   8. SPSpeaker1:05

      Mm-hmm

   9. APAlex Partridge1:05

      ... because that's how it makes you feel a million times a day, that everyone does hate you-

   10. SPSpeaker1:09

       Mm-hmm

   11. APAlex Partridge1:09

       ... when they don't.

   12. SPSpeaker1:10

       Mm-hmm.

   13. APAlex Partridge1:10

       You're not too sensitive. You have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

   14. SPSpeaker1:14

       Well, especially with phones, where you're in contact with everyone all the time, the feedback, you can just... Anything you receive from someone, you can, you can change it in your head to be a negative thing if you're prone to RSD.

   15. APAlex Partridge1:27

       Oh, absolutely. RSD, in the absence of any positivity or, you know, clear affirmation or acceptance from somebody, you jump to the worst-case scenario. You always feel like you're in trouble. You always feel like you're a nuisance to whoever you're with-

   16. SPSpeaker1:42

       Mm-hmm

   17. APAlex Partridge1:42

       ... that your presence is annoying. Every little, tiny tone of voice, shuffle of footstep, heavy, heavier door slam you pick up on, and you make it about yourself. You think that that person hates you, which is why my book is called Why Does Everybody Hate Me? Um, and I think to set the stage, I think, I'll... I'm gonna read the first paragraph, just to remind everyone what RSD is, where it comes from.

   18. SPSpeaker2:09

       Great. Looking forward to it.

   19. APAlex Partridge2:12

       [laughs]

   20. SPSpeaker2:12

       This is an exclusive.

   21. APAlex Partridge2:14

       Yes, this is... Yeah, the book's not out yet.

   22. SPSpeaker2:16

       No.

   23. APAlex Partridge2:16

       Yeah, the book. [laughs] You can pre-order it now with the link in the description, but it is out on March the 24th.

2. 2:22 – 4:59

   RSD Explained

   1. SPSpeaker2:22

      [laughs]

   2. APAlex Partridge2:22

      "Children with ADHD hear 20,000 more micro-rejections than a neurotypical child. 'You're embarrassing yourself.' 'Why are you being lazy?' 'Stop biting your nails.' 'Why are you crying?' 'Stop being dramatic.' 'You're too sensitive.' 'You're really rude.' 'Stop being weird.' 'Stop fidgeting.' 'Calm down.' 'Be normal.' 'Stop it.' Even non-verbal rejections like an eye roll. This turns them into adults who experience something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It causes extreme emotional pain when someone rejects or criticizes them. One tiny comment, like a friend saying they're too busy to see them, can trigger a nervous system collapse that feels like they're being attacked, and it means they can't do anything unless it's perfect. They stay in the office four hours later than others. They stay up all night to complete the work to a high standard. They work obscenely hard simply to protect themselves from the emotional pain that comes when their boss makes a tiny correction to their work. They fear disappointing people. This turns them into people pleasers. They abandon their own wants and needs to satisfy the wants and needs of others. They're always over-apologizing. They hide their suffering because they don't want to cause a fuss or let anyone down, but they're crumbling inside, drinking or eating in secret, silently imploding emotionally, filled with sadness and shame. They avoid making decisions. It feels safer to avoid the conversation. They don't apply for that promotion. They stay in that abusive relationship. They let that friend keep walking over them. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is exhausting, debilitating, and dangerous, which is why I wrote this book. I've spoken to every Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria expert in the world during the writing process, and I've condensed all of my learnings, tips, and strategies into this book. I wish I could read this book to my younger self. Always remember, you're not too sensitive. You are not broken. You have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and you have always been enough." We know that RSD is incredibly painful, but as I've mentioned, I really wanna dive into actually, like, what we can do to alleviate the pain. There's over 60 strategies, tips, coping mechanisms in the book, but I think for the purpose of this episode, you've randomly chosen 12?

   3. SPSpeaker4:45

      Yeah, 12 that I thought would be important to the general public. But to be honest, there's so much good stuff in there that it's just a random 12. But we couldn't fit all 60 into this hour, could we? Or half an hour. Shall we start?

   4. APAlex Partridge4:58

      Let's do it.

   5. SPSpeaker4:58

      Yeah.

3. 4:59 – 8:56

   Give it a name

   1. APAlex Partridge4:59

      So number 12 is Give it a name. Name your RSD. I call mine Dave the Dragon, and when I feel RSD triggered, when I feel that intense sadness, when I feel that intense anger, rage, when I feel that shame, I hold my RSD out in front of me. I hold Dave the Dragon out in front of me, and by holding it out in front of me, I'm able to separate it from myself, and I can tell myself that RSD is very real, and the pain that comes with it is very real, but it's not based in reality. RSD is a response caused by those 20,000 horrible messages that I had when I was a child. It's been triggered by the comment that someone's made to me today, that thumbs-up emoji in response to a text message I've sent, or I've noticed a slight change in tone in my partner's voice.

   2. SPSpeaker5:59

      Mm-hmm.

   3. APAlex Partridge5:59

      That's reminded my nervous system and snapped it back to those 20,000 horrible comments, and in the moment-When I feel that, I can hold the RSD out in front of me. I can hold Dave the Dragon in my hand.

   4. SPSpeaker6:10

      Mm-hmm.

   5. APAlex Partridge6:10

      And it's a reminder that, yes, RSD is very real, but it's not based in reality, and therefore it takes away a lot of the power-

   6. SPSpeaker6:20

      Mm

   7. APAlex Partridge6:21

      ... that it has over me, and it stops that shame spiral from, from escalating really quickly.

   8. SPSpeaker6:27

      Mm. I guess it also gives you some perspective as well if you visualize it as this small thing in front of you. It's like zooming out and you see the world's this tiny thing, and then you're worried about receiving a text message of a friend. It makes it seem so insignificant, doesn't it, if you zoom out in that way and hold it in front of you?

   9. APAlex Partridge6:45

      Absolutely. It can be so easy when you're feeling that intensity to feel like the world's come crumbling down, everybody hates you, when in fact you're responding to all of those horrible comments you had as a child. And, and what's really important in that moment is to remind yourself that those comments, or being the recipient of all of those nasty messages, that they weren't your fault.

   10. SPSpeaker7:08

       Mm-hmm.

   11. APAlex Partridge7:08

       Because the world is calibrated to neurotypical standards, and you're neurodivergent, and because of that, you put out various differences to the world. And unfortunately, the world that is set to neurotypical standards, it's jarring to them, and therefore you will receive nasty comments that remind you of your difference. But that's not your fault. You are just different. And when you remind yourself in the moment today that this feeling is in response to comments that weren't your fault, that also goes a long way to reduce a lot of the shame that comes with RSD.

   12. SPSpeaker7:42

       Good advice. And also, nothing against people named Dave.

   13. APAlex Partridge7:47

       Yes. [laughs]

   14. SPSpeaker7:47

       You could be setting off their RSD by saying that.

   15. APAlex Partridge7:50

       Yes. Yeah. Sorry any Daves listening. It's, it's not-

   16. SPSpeaker7:52

       Yeah, or any dragons listening.

   17. APAlex Partridge7:54

       Don't know why I called it Dave the Dragon. It's a dragon because it is... I don't wanna take away the impact and the intensity of RSD. It's very real. But also, it's not based in reality, and, and, and, and dragons aren't based in reality either. So it's a good... For me, it's a reminder to say that my response is valid and it's real today-

   18. SPSpeaker8:16

       Mm

   19. APAlex Partridge8:16

       ... but it's not based in the reality of what that person said. What that person has said has reminded me of all of those horrible comments that happened years ago, and those weren't my fault.

   20. SPSpeaker8:26

       Mm.

   21. APAlex Partridge8:26

       And therefore neither is my reaction to those comments today.

   22. SPSpeaker8:30

       Mm. I'd love a little dragon in my hand. Wouldn't you? Dragon.

   23. APAlex Partridge8:35

       I can, I can, I can buy you one.

   24. SPSpeaker8:37

       Yeah. [laughs]

   25. APAlex Partridge8:37

       I'll get you one for the n-

   26. SPSpeaker8:38

       Yeah, please

   27. APAlex Partridge8:38

       ... for the next recording. [laughs]

   28. SPSpeaker8:39

       Oh, I'd love one of those.

   29. APAlex Partridge8:40

       What would you call your dragon?

   30. SPSpeaker8:42

       Well, it's gotta be Dave now, hasn't it?
4. 8:56 – 11:19

   RSD hates evidence

   1. SPSpeaker8:56

      11.

   2. APAlex Partridge8:56

      Number 11 is the fact that RSD hates evidence that contradicts how it makes you feel about yourself. RSD makes emotion feel like fact, and what we can all do is build up a list of facts that contradict how it makes us feel about ourselves. So I have, on my phone app, a, a list of my strengths, my small wins, my positive things that I feel good about myself. So when RSD strikes and I feel that intense emotional response, I can whip out my phone and suddenly read my list of qualities, and when we do that, when we have such blatant evidence in front of our face that contradicts how we're feeling in this moment-

   3. SPSpeaker9:50

      Mm

   4. APAlex Partridge9:50

      ... then it instantly kind of goes a long way to, to stop that spiral from happening.

   5. SPSpeaker9:54

      Mm. It's kind of like, do you know, remember those velvet pillows you get? Like sequined pillows-

   6. APAlex Partridge10:00

      Oh, yes. Yeah

   7. SPSpeaker10:00

      ... that you can, you c-

   8. APAlex Partridge10:02

      Oh, they're so addictive

   9. SPSpeaker10:03

      ... you run your hand down it and then it changes color.

   10. APAlex Partridge10:06

       Yeah. Sensually-

   11. SPSpeaker10:06

       And then you run it back

   12. APAlex Partridge10:07

       ... dream.

   13. SPSpeaker10:08

       I f- I feel like RSD's a bit like that. The one comment can flip you all into one different color, and then your list that you're just mentioning there of all your good points, you read that and it flips you back to the original color.

   14. APAlex Partridge10:22

       It's a great analogy, a great visual, and it's so true, and I feel like to complement that tip, probably to have s- a, a trusted person or a, a partner or a friend that you can call up and they can remind you of your list too.

   15. SPSpeaker10:36

       Mm.

   16. APAlex Partridge10:36

       Sometimes the, the emotions can take over. The response is so visceral. It's so intense. Like, it feels like someone's put barbed wire around your heart and tightened it.

   17. SPSpeaker10:47

       Mm.

   18. APAlex Partridge10:47

       To have somebody that you can just call and say, like, "I, I'm, I'm in it right now. I'm feeling RSD," and they can read you your list of, of positives too.

   19. SPSpeaker10:56

       Just make sure that they're not either driving at the time or operating heavy machinery.

   20. APAlex Partridge11:01

       Yes. [laughs]

   21. SPSpeaker11:03

       It's like, uh, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Who, which friend are you gonna call?

   22. APAlex Partridge11:06

       Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

   23. SPSpeaker11:08

       Um, but the prize isn't £1 million. It's a sense of wellbeing. Um, okay. Right. Moving on to number 10.

5. 11:19 – 13:28

   Remove yourself

   1. APAlex Partridge11:19

      Number 10 is remove yourself. And once you're triggered, if you feel that intense feeling, if you're in the workplace, if you're in your relationship and something's happened, a comment has happened and you can feel that intense feeling, remove yourself from the situation before you respond. Put a pause between the event that's triggered you and your response to it.

   2. SPSpeaker11:43

      Mm-hmm. I mean, a big part of that is r- remembering that it will go away, because that feeling when you get struck by something and your RSD flares, you feel like, "God, this is it forever." But you gotta remember it will go away, probably in a couple of minutes. So the removing yourself is really good, really good advice.

   3. APAlex Partridge12:04

      Yeah, because if you respond in the moment-If you lash out or you get into an argument, then the other person's likely to retaliate. That's likely to trigger your RSD further.

   4. SPSpeaker12:17

      Mm-hmm.

   5. APAlex Partridge12:17

      That's gonna escalate their response and quite suddenly you can get into this escalation and it can, it can es- escalate so quickly to you storming out of your job-

   6. SPSpeaker12:29

      Mm

   7. APAlex Partridge12:29

      ... or you s- storming out and saying, "I want a divorce," or, "I'm, I'm quitting and I, I can't do this anymore." And then you come down quite quickly, but so much damage has been left behind and you sort of have to come back with your tail between your legs and apologize or say, "I didn't mean that."

   8. SPSpeaker12:46

      Mm-hmm.

   9. APAlex Partridge12:47

      But because the, the, the responses to RSD are often so disproportionate to the comment or the event that's triggered you.

   10. SPSpeaker12:56

       Yeah.

   11. APAlex Partridge12:56

       'Cause like we said earlier, you're not responding to the here and the now, the person in front of you. Your nervous system has been reminded to those 20,000 horrible messages and, and that's where you're at. You're, you're, you're at that level of intensity. It's like all of those 20,000 emotional cuts have come back at the same time and you just see rage or you see intense sadness, and it's just so important to, to recognize that feeling and stop yourself, catch yourself before you respond and remove yourself from the situation. Like give yourself time to

6. 13:28 – 16:51

   How to slow down emotional responses

   1. APAlex Partridge13:28

      regulate. Which leads me onto the next point, um, really nicely, which is to try and slow down that emotional response and, for example, if, if you're at work, like and you, you remove yourself by taking yourself to the bathroom. That's maybe your safe space, your little pause area. And the things I do in those moments is to l- really focus on my breathing. Like four seconds in, six seconds out, and repeat that five to six, seven times and you'll notice a, a complete shift in, in your regulation quite quickly.

   2. SPSpeaker14:02

      Yeah, I mean, the bathrooms here are just full of people removing themself from their RSD episode.

   3. APAlex Partridge14:09

      [laughs] Yes, I know. Yeah, yeah.

   4. SPSpeaker14:10

      You can't even get in there.

   5. APAlex Partridge14:11

      Yeah. [laughs]

   6. SPSpeaker14:14

      [laughs] There should be little RSD rooms maybe, like booths.

   7. APAlex Partridge14:19

      Well, abs- in an ideal world, but I feel like, you know, we're a long way off from total accommodations. You know, sadly sometimes the bathroom is the only available option. I wish there was a, a safe space and a sensory room and a quiet space, but, uh, I think we're a long way off that. But bathrooms do can, can serve as a, a, a good middle ground.

   8. SPSpeaker14:39

      Mm-hmm.

   9. APAlex Partridge14:39

      Put your hands under cold water. Splash some water on your face. Shake your hands around. Stim. Regulate yourself.

   10. SPSpeaker14:48

       Mm-hmm.

   11. APAlex Partridge14:48

       Give yourself time to decompress and to bring your nervous system back down to a base level. What really helps when you're in the bathroom is to, is to look at things around you. Like try and really pay attention to five things that you can see, five things you can smell, five things that you can touch. Almost like ground yourself. The goal isn't to suppress the feelings, it's to give you time to think rather than react in the moment.

   12. SPSpeaker15:17

       Mm-hmm. Taking your mind, consciously taking your mind elsewhere. Could be something as simple as like wiggling your big toe and trying to do it individually to... or, or, you know, just anything that stops you from reacting.

   13. APAlex Partridge15:31

       We had Dr. Samantha Hugh on the podcast, didn't we? And it's not always accessible, but she said that to regulate yourself and to bring you down super fast, you can distract the nervous system by biting down on ice, which I thought was an interesting one. Ice isn't obviously always available, but running your hands under cold water has a similar effect. It's just about distracting your nervous system, grounding yourself.

   14. SPSpeaker15:56

       Mm-hmm.

   15. APAlex Partridge15:56

       'Cause your nervous system is... the nervous system of someone with RSD can't tell the difference between a benign comment from your boss saying, "Oh, the second paragraph in that work you just submitted, can we talk about how that could be changed?" It can't tell the difference between that comment and a lion attacking you in a wood. Your response is the same, and it's no wonder therefore you might just decide, "This is too much. I need to get out and quit this job," and storm out. But then you come down from that and you're like, "Oh, actually no, I need to pay my rent, and that job actually isn't too bad."

   16. SPSpeaker16:28

       Mm.

   17. APAlex Partridge16:29

       And all of that can be avoided if rather than you storming out, you just take that five minutes away in the bathroom. Go through those grounding exercises, and then re-approach the situation with a much clearer head.

   18. SPSpeaker16:42

       Yeah. Yeah. Biting down on ice, I like that idea. You never get stressed people who live in the Arctic Circle-

   19. APAlex Partridge16:50

       [laughs] True, yeah

   20. SPSpeaker16:50

       ... for that

7. 16:51 – 20:33

   Question the story

   1. SPSpeaker16:51

      reason. Number eight of the 12 taken from the book.

   2. APAlex Partridge16:54

      Number eight is to always question the story that you have formed in your head. When RSD is triggered, for example, you could be in the pub after work with some of your colleagues and you hear somebody approach one of your colleagues and say, "Hey, Jasmine, I can't wait for your birthday party next week." And you think, "I wasn't invited to that." And you suddenly think, "Everyone hates me. Jasmine thinks I'm useless. Nobody actually likes me." And you, and you quickly form this horrible story in your head. And I think in that moment it's really important to, to question that story-

   3. SPSpeaker17:29

      Mm

   4. APAlex Partridge17:30

      ... and to ask yourself, "What actual evidence do I have that this group of people hates me? Is there another explanation as to why I might not be invited to that party?"

   5. SPSpeaker17:46

      Mm-hmm. For example, it's a totally different table that you've got nothing to do with.

   6. APAlex Partridge17:52

      Yeah. [laughs]

   7. SPSpeaker17:53

      I would... that would set off my RSD. Even something like that, I don't even know these people and they're... there's a party and I haven't been invited. [laughs]

   8. APAlex Partridge18:00

      Well, the context is like often some of these companies are really big, and you could be out with a group of 10 people, you don't know all of them. A couple of people are there perhaps from a different department-

   9. SPSpeaker18:08

      Mm-hmm

   10. APAlex Partridge18:09

       ... or who work on a different floor than you, and it's just a different social circle.So when someone comes over and asks Jasmine, who you don't really know that well either-

   11. SPSpeaker18:17

       Mm-hmm

   12. APAlex Partridge18:17

       ... if they're going to the party or they're excited for the party, like there is a, a tangible reason why that invitation wouldn't have reached you-

   13. SPSpeaker18:27

       Mm-hmm

   14. APAlex Partridge18:27

       ... because you're in a different part of the company, and yet in the moment, RSD doesn't see the nuance. It doesn't see the context, and you just ass- everyone is going to this party, and you're the only person who's not.

   15. SPSpeaker18:39

       And also fast-forward to the day of the party, you probably don't wanna go anyway. You should thank your lucky stars you weren't invited to Jasmine's party.

   16. APAlex Partridge18:48

       Yeah, exactly, on the day.

   17. SPSpeaker18:49

       Yeah.

   18. APAlex Partridge18:49

       It's like, "Oh, well, now I've gotta bloody figure out what to wear. It's gonna be over-stimulating-

   19. SPSpeaker18:55

       Exactly

   20. APAlex Partridge18:55

       ... I'm gonna have to probably overshare my trauma again. I'm not gonna sleep for days."

   21. SPSpeaker19:00

       Yeah, and imagine the things you might say at the party that you'll be gr- regretting the next day.

   22. APAlex Partridge19:04

       And you will have to leave the job-

   23. SPSpeaker19:06

       Yeah

   24. APAlex Partridge19:06

       ... in your head at least.

   25. SPSpeaker19:07

       Exactly, yeah.

   26. APAlex Partridge19:08

       [laughs]

   27. SPSpeaker19:08

       So th- I, I think, thank God that you weren't invited to Jasmine's party.

   28. APAlex Partridge19:11

       Yeah. Good. Good.

   29. SPSpeaker19:12

       It'll probably be quite a boring one-

   30. APAlex Partridge19:14

       Yeah. [laughs]
8. 20:33 – 21:36

   Tiimo advert

   1. APAlex Partridge20:33

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   2. SPSpeaker21:34

      Right, we're onto number six.

9. 21:36 – 23:10

   Create an alternative story

   1. APAlex Partridge21:36

      Number six, create an alternative story in your head to the one that RSD is telling you. So actually write down three alternative scenarios that would explain what they've said to you. So rather than defaulting to, "I hate you," you could write down maybe they're busy, maybe they're distracted, or maybe they're dealing with their own issues right now. When you default to rejection, it really helps to write down other possibilities to add context and to snap you out of that they hate me mindset.

   2. SPSpeaker22:10

      Mm-hmm. It's so, um, important to remember that everyone's dealing with their own stuff and that they're not against you. They're just... They're not against you, they're just for themselves, and most people are, I think.

   3. APAlex Partridge22:22

      Mm.

   4. SPSpeaker22:22

      Remembering that, "God, I don't know what they're going home to or what's going through their heads," makes you take things not as personally, I find.

   5. APAlex Partridge22:32

      Yeah, I mean, it's, it's the, um, when you zoom out and you see that you're just almost like a n- often a non-playable character in someone else's story, and you... y- when you have that realization, so much of the worries in your head that you have over how you're coming across or how other people are perceiving you are just not true. They're, as you said, too worried about having the s- the same worries, the same concerns, the same internal anxiety over how they're coming across. Everyone's having the same feelings.

   6. SPSpeaker23:05

      Mm-hmm, and they're insecure, and they're dealing with things that other people have said.

10. 23:10 – 25:14

    The rejection collection

    1. SPSpeaker23:10

       Number five.

    2. APAlex Partridge23:11

       So this one's called the rejection collection, and it's really, really simple. It's just about storing past events in a list, events where you felt that you were rejected, but actually, after all of that overthinking and panic, it turned out to be a positive outcome.

    3. SPSpeaker23:29

       So as in, like, looking at things through the lens of hindsight and seeing where you were wrong in the past?

    4. APAlex Partridge23:35

       It depowers RSD when you c- have actual physical evidence of it being wrong and how your panic and dread and shame in that moment was not a, a representation of how that person felt towards you, and it was just your RSD.

    5. SPSpeaker23:52

       Mm.

    6. APAlex Partridge23:53

       It wasn't, again, it wasn't a representation of the reality of that day.

    7. SPSpeaker23:58

       I get that a lot with social media. You see your crush upload a picture, and there's a male hand in it, and you're like, "Who is that?" And then it turns out to be their brother.

    8. APAlex Partridge24:08

       Battle, yeah.

    9. SPSpeaker24:08

       So that sort of thing.

    10. APAlex Partridge24:10

        I mean, it's, it's... When you... And do you, do you store that as evidence where you can now say, "Oh, that hand in that new picture may be my-"RSD is wrong

    11. SPSpeaker24:23

        Exactly.

    12. APAlex Partridge24:24

        Yeah

    13. SPSpeaker24:25

        Yeah, so it, it gives me that perspective of you're not always right. Don't always trust your gut, in a way.

    14. APAlex Partridge24:34

        I think it just opens up another possibility, 'cause the gut is strong and sometimes, you know, that hand might be a genuine threat, and there are genuine threats out there, and we have to be privy to those. But I think it generally helps to open up another possibility. It helps you create new neural pathways. Rather than always jumping and catastrophizing to rejection, sometimes we can actually associate that feeling with growth rather than shame.

    15. SPSpeaker25:05

        Yeah. That's really helpful. That's helped me a lot, that one. A huge amount, actually. Which goes on to number four.

11. 25:14 – 30:38

    Manage the basics

    1. APAlex Partridge25:14

       So number four is such an impactful one. It's the idea that emotional dysregulation, which really is what RSD is, it's such a big factor of it, improves so much when your basics are stable.

    2. SPSpeaker25:32

       Mm.

    3. APAlex Partridge25:32

       The things that we do day to day, our lifestyle choices. So sleep, for example, you know, if we get a really good night's sleep, we get a solid eight hours, our capacity the next day to, to f- deal with RSD significantly improves. Our ability to strengthen the scaffolding that we have around ourselves, the support systems we have in place to, to manage the intensity of it improves. Another thing is to really keep an eye on alcohol intake. I, I, I don't drink, neither do you, for our own reasons, but I'd just generally... One glass of wine in the evening considerably makes you more vulnerable the next day to an RSD trigger. I think just one glass of wine and almost all, all of the positives of ADHD go out the window, and all of the negatives, and RSD is the main one, get significantly strengthened. Your ability to, to rationale, to deal with the nuances and trying to contextualize whether that's a real threat or a perceived one, it all gets significantly weaker-

    4. SPSpeaker26:35

       Mm

    5. APAlex Partridge26:35

       ... and RSD gets stronger. So if we reduce or cut out alcohol, um, it's, it's a huge hack. And I think also the biggest one, as well as sleep and cutting out alcohol, is exercise. I, I don't think I've ever, ever been triggered by RSD after I've had a good session in the gym. Um, I feel like when we do stuff that makes us feel invincible or stuff that we know only a tiny percentage of human beings do, it gives us so much confidence. I often walk out of the gym and I feel like I'm indestructible, and sometimes it's short-lived, sometimes it lasts for the whole day, but in those moments I feel like I've got this, this bulletproof shield against RSD in front of me. And sometimes it's not feasible to go to the gym, but even minor exercises throughout the day, like 10 star jumps in the office, maybe do some star jumps in the bathroom if you have that regulation break. Exercise, doing something that makes you feel good is such a deterrent for RSD.

    6. SPSpeaker27:38

       Yeah, both, um, very, very good points. Very close to my heart. We speak about this a lot, don't we? Exercise and what it can do and how it can change your whole experience of the day. Such an interesting thing. It can really make you from seeing everything as an obstacle to seeing everything as an opportunity.

    7. APAlex Partridge27:55

       I think if you went to the gym and then you saw a hand in that Instagram photo [laughs]

    8. SPSpeaker28:01

       Yeah

    9. APAlex Partridge28:02

       ... and then you even had some evidence to show that it was another man, you wouldn't care-

    10. SPSpeaker28:08

        No

    11. APAlex Partridge28:09

        ... 'cause you'd feel so good about yourself.

    12. SPSpeaker28:10

        Yeah. I'd be like, "There's plenty of other options out there. Have the hand."

    13. APAlex Partridge28:15

        [laughs]

    14. SPSpeaker28:16

        "I don't care."

    15. APAlex Partridge28:17

        Yeah. [laughs]

    16. SPSpeaker28:18

        Um, but yeah. And the sleep thing's a really, really big deal, isn't it? Really big deal, how irritable you are if you're not sleeping and how sensitive you are.

    17. APAlex Partridge28:26

        There's so much body armor we can put around ourselves by prioritizing sleep, r- cutting out alcohol, and exercising.

    18. SPSpeaker28:36

        Mm.

    19. APAlex Partridge28:36

        Little things that actually just make us feel incredible.

    20. SPSpeaker28:39

        Mm.

    21. APAlex Partridge28:39

        We get... We feel incredible about ourselves. Our se- self-esteem goes up, and that's, that's the Achilles heel of RSD-

    22. SPSpeaker28:47

        Mm-hmm

    23. APAlex Partridge28:48

        ... is self-esteem and self-belief and self-worth. And when you do little things that build those, with each addition of your self-worth that comes with exercising or sleeping better or not drinking, then RSD gets weaker every time.

    24. SPSpeaker29:00

        Mm. So the next time you go to the toilet and you see people doing star jumps in there-

    25. APAlex Partridge29:06

        [laughs]

    26. SPSpeaker29:06

        ... they're asleep in there, and they're just taking a breather in there, yeah, it's because they listen to this podcast. So right, we're on the top three.

    27. APAlex Partridge29:15

        [laughs]

    28. SPSpeaker29:16

        Top three now. So this is 12 of what? How many in the book? 60.

    29. APAlex Partridge29:21

        There's 50 to 60 in the book, yeah.

    30. SPSpeaker29:24

        Yeah.
12. 30:38 – 33:27

    Separate yourself from RSD

    1. SPSpeaker30:38

       Yeah. Number three.

    2. APAlex Partridge30:39

       This is probably one of the most important ones, and it's about separating p- a part of you with all of you, and understanding that when a part of you is actually criticized, it doesn't mean that the whole of you is criticized. In other words, it's about separating, "I have made a mistake" from "I am a complete failure." And the example is, say you're at work and your boss makes a tiny correction to your work.

    3. SPSpeaker31:12

       Mm.

    4. APAlex Partridge31:13

       That would trigger my RSD. That would make me feel like everything about me is terrible, I'm useless, everyone is mad at me, everyone in the office finds me annoying because my boss has made one tiny correction to this piece of work that I've submitted.

    5. SPSpeaker31:31

       Mm-hmm.

    6. APAlex Partridge31:31

       But in that moment, remind yourself that what is being criticized, what's being corrected, is one paragraph in one piece of work that you have submitted, and that is not the whole of you. That's not all of you being criticized. Like, things that we do in life, aspects of the things that we give out into the world will often be met with not totally positive feedback, and it's so easy for when you have RSD to assume that that thing that is being critiqued is all of you, and that you are under attack as a person and everything that you stand for is bad.

    7. SPSpeaker32:10

       Mm.

    8. APAlex Partridge32:11

       But to remind yourself that there is a difference between something that you have given out into the world that is being critiqued, and separate that from a critique of all of you.

    9. SPSpeaker32:23

       I guess some people see it as that drop of poison in the punch bowl. Pollutes everything, that one little bit of critique, but it's not the case, is it?

    10. APAlex Partridge32:33

        Well, even in, you know... Even objectively incredibly talented people make mistakes. And are they terrible human beings? Are they awful at what they do? Human beings make mistakes, and w- when you've got RSD, it's very easy to, to, to zoom in on that mistake because mistakes are often corrected by the world-

    11. SPSpeaker32:55

        Mm-hmm

    12. APAlex Partridge32:55

        ... and assume that that's that thing that you have done wrong, that little thing, is a reflection of all of you-

    13. SPSpeaker33:02

        Mm

    14. APAlex Partridge33:02

        ... and to therefore feel tremendous shame, tremendous sadness because the world has discovered how useless and terrible and, and awful you are.

    15. SPSpeaker33:11

        Yeah.

    16. APAlex Partridge33:11

        But that's not true. It's only one tiny mistake on one tiny thing that you've put out into the world. And to separate that one thing from all of you goes a long way to de-powering RSD.

    17. SPSpeaker33:23

        Yeah. Which brings us on to number two.

13. 33:27 – 39:24

    Use clarity

    1. APAlex Partridge33:27

       Number two: Use clarity to prevent spirals. And the example that I go back to time and time again is if you're at work and your boss asks you for a quick chat without any context, then you just catastrophize and you spiral and think everything's going to end. The world's going to end. Whereas if you demand context by saying something like, "Can I understand what we're going to be talking about in that meeting?" And often it, it goes a long way to de-powering the crushing feeling of RSD. In your relationship, if you, you s- if you sense that your partner's mad at you or, or they're upset with you, rather than over-apologizing, you can start the sentence by saying, "I feel like there's some uncomfortability in the air." So by asking for clarity, you often get the additional context you need that contradicts what your RSD is telling you about the situation.

    2. SPSpeaker34:26

       Mm-hmm. What's the best way of doing that in a tactful way so that you don't come across as needy, for example?

    3. APAlex Partridge34:33

       I think by saying things like, "I feel like," or, "Can you... Can I have some further context?" I think in the workplace you can ask for the agenda ahead of time about a meeting so you know what you're stepping into. And in your relationship, I think you can own your sensitivity, almost be proud of it, by saying something maybe humorous or even comically self-deprecating. Like, you know, "I know I'm... You know I'm s- you know I'm sensitive. Can you let me know what that response meant?"

    4. SPSpeaker35:07

       Mm.

    5. APAlex Partridge35:08

       Or, "How was, how was your day today? Can we talk about that?"

    6. SPSpeaker35:13

       I think the, the, being over s- being sensitive in a relationship is probably the, the exact reason why they wanna be with you in the first place, 'cause it comes in handy at the beginning. You're emotional, empathetic, sensitive, so you shouldn't be shy about it.

    7. APAlex Partridge35:27

       Yeah, I mean, the, the, the sensitivities that come with ADHD also come with tremendous loyalty and empathy. We're hugely attuned to other people's emotions. That makes us tremendous partners and very lovable and very loving.

    8. SPSpeaker35:43

       Mm-hmm.

    9. APAlex Partridge35:44

       You know, and the flip side is it, it makes us also really attuned into to picking up on perceived threats and negativity and, and signs that the person hates us, which is the double-edged sword and something we have to be aware of. But I think in a relationship, having that communication between you and recognizing that, yes, there's two of you in the relationship, but there's also RSD, is so important.

    10. SPSpeaker36:09

        Mm-hmm.

    11. APAlex Partridge36:09

        And also after an event, if, if the, if the trigger does happen, to ig- acknowledge it in the moment, step away, give yourself time to regulate, do all the things we've spoken about in this episode. But then as a couple, after some time has passed, maybe once a week, come together and sit down and communicate how RSD has showed up over the last seven days. What triggered that... storm out on Wednesday. What happened leading up to it? How was I feeling before it? Make it such a common conversation in your relationship takes away a lot of the shame by doing that, and you can also build up this back catalog of known triggers, and that helps you to avoid them in the future. When RSD is such a common conversation in your relationship, you can then take away a lot of the shame and some of the coping strategies that you as a couple used to, to, to cope and to regulate. You know, if you're in a restaurant with a group of people and someone says something at the dinner table and you instantly, ugh, feel that, rawr, and you, you feel like you can't respond in the moment because it's too shameful, you can have a code word with your partner. Some tap on the shoulder or a, a slight light kick under the table. Something that you know between your, you as a couple is your little signal to say, "I need to go to the bathroom here to, to shake my hands and put my hands under cold water and breathe because I'm triggered because that person s- just said something."

    12. SPSpeaker37:43

        Mm.

    13. APAlex Partridge37:43

        I think communication and awareness of RSD i- in, in a relationship is fundamental. Um, otherwise just shame takes over, and the explosive rows will escalate and sadly I think when there isn't an understanding and, and an awareness of RSD in the relationship, it's the cause of so many relationships ending when they could've been just spoken about, and an understanding of RSD could've been put in place. And I think you grow as a couple when you... And that you, you have a new empathy towards each other-

    14. SPSpeaker38:16

        Mm

    15. APAlex Partridge38:17

        ... when you understand that RSD is there, and just speaking about it is, is normalized.

    16. SPSpeaker38:21

        Is this your subtle way of saying, "Don't just buy this book for yourself. It is a good present for a partner"?

    17. APAlex Partridge38:27

        [laughs] I didn't think about that, but there is a whole chapter o- on relationships in the book-

    18. SPSpeaker38:32

        Right

    19. APAlex Partridge38:32

        ... as there is for kids, and accommodations in the workplace, and the classroom, and in relationships, and everywhere really-

    20. SPSpeaker38:39

        Mm

    21. APAlex Partridge38:39

        ... in, in your personal life. So yeah, it's, uh, yeah, you know, I think it's, it's certainly, as I said in the beginning of the book, that I wish I could read to my younger self. And it's, it's quite remarkable when you realize that you've lived for so many years with rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and you didn't know that you were living with it, and you truly believed that you were just too sensitive-

    22. SPSpeaker38:58

        Mm

    23. APAlex Partridge38:59

        ... and that you were somehow defective and broken and everybody hated you. But they don't, you know? You're living with something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. You are not too sensitive. You have always been enough. Having that realization, it's huge, and to realize just how common it is within the ADHD community is also really soothing because you're not alone either.

    24. SPSpeaker39:23

        Yeah. Well,

14. 39:24 – 44:42

    Pre-rejection preparations

    1. SPSpeaker39:24

       number one, the gold medal hack for RSD.

    2. APAlex Partridge39:30

       These aren't really in any, like, order of effectiveness, but the last one is, is, is very good. And it, it's having pre-rejection preparation. So understanding when you're entering into an environment where rejection is possible. For example, you could be going into an appraisal meeting at work, or you could be going to a dinner party where you know that there is a certain type of character at the dinner table who's quite charismatic and just likes to throw jokes around. But, you know, you're extremely sensitive to jokes sometimes. So knowing when you're about to go to a situation where there is a high likelihood that your trigger is going to happen, and write down what you're going to say to yourself before you go into that environment. You could write down, for example, "This isn't about my worth. Their decision or their comment doesn't define me. I can handle this feeling. It will pass." By having these pre-planned responses, and not that you're gonna say them out loud to the table or to your boss in that appraisal meeting. These are things that you're gonna say to yourself. These are things that you're gonna say silently inside your head to yourself in the moment. And when you have that pre-planned response, it prevents the spiral, or it at least stops it from escalating at such speed that you're unable to, to, to recognize it, to stop yourself from responding. It gives your logical brain ammunition when your emotional brain takes over.

    3. SPSpeaker41:06

       So give your logical brain ammunition. That's essentially the hack.

    4. APAlex Partridge41:10

       Yeah.

    5. SPSpeaker41:11

       Come prepared.

    6. APAlex Partridge41:12

       Come prepared, yeah. Give your... Have those mantras inside your head ready when you know you're about to set foot into a high-risk situation.

    7. SPSpeaker41:20

       Okay. My RSD was set off earlier. This is classic. I'm on a bus, and I, I don't want anyone to sit in the empty seat next to me, and I'm going, "Don't do it, don't do it." And they come and sit next to me. And then an- another empty seat becomes available, and they get up and they leave. And now I'm like, "Why, why are you leaving me?" [laughs]

    8. APAlex Partridge41:40

       [laughs]

    9. SPSpeaker41:41

       "What have I done wrong?" So my RSD can be set off just by someone getting up and l- and moving spaces. Even in cafes, they come and sit next to me, and then a be- better place comes available, and I know it's a better place. They'll get up and they'll leave, and I think it's my fault. That's RSD, isn't it?

    10. APAlex Partridge41:57

        It is, yeah. And I, I have just thought of something that happened this morning. I, I, I'm doing this speaking gig in America in a couple of months, and I've emailed them probably about 16 times. And at the end of all of their emails-

    11. SPSpeaker42:10

        Mm

    12. APAlex Partridge42:10

        ... you can tell that it's... That they, they, they s- their emails, they, they sign off by saying, "With kindness and gratitude."

    13. SPSpeaker42:17

        Mm.

    14. APAlex Partridge42:17

        "And her name is," I won't say her name, but then she writes her name.

    15. SPSpeaker42:20

        Yeah.

    16. APAlex Partridge42:20

        And it was quite clear that every time she's emailed me, she's manually typed out, "With kindness and gratitude."

    17. SPSpeaker42:25

        Mm.

    18. APAlex Partridge42:25

        But this morning I read the email from her, and I realized that the, "With kindness and gratitude" was in a different font, and it was bold, which in my head suggested that it was automated or it was some kind of permanent email signature that she had now just used to put in to everyone.

    19. SPSpeaker42:39

        Mm.

    20. APAlex Partridge42:39

        [laughs] And it took away the-Suddenly it was like, "Well, she didn't write that this time."

    21. SPSpeaker42:44

        Yeah.

    22. APAlex Partridge42:44

        'Cause that's automated.

    23. SPSpeaker42:45

        Ah.

    24. APAlex Partridge42:45

        And now she doesn't like me as much as she did over the last 60 email exchanges.

    25. SPSpeaker42:51

        Yeah. She... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can relate to that. I've got a great story. Do you remember Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

    26. APAlex Partridge42:56

        Sarah Michelle Gellar?

    27. SPSpeaker42:57

        Yes.

    28. APAlex Partridge42:58

        Yes.

    29. SPSpeaker42:58

        So she was my m- biggest crush when I was about 11, and I wrote to her, um, fan mail, and I got a poster of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it was something about this big, and it had her signature at the bottom, and I cherished it for, like, a year. And then my friend saw that I did that and did the same thing, and he got the same thing, and he had the signature. And I just spent hours comparing the signatures to see if it was printed or if it was real, and it was printed, and I still think about that all the time.

    30. APAlex Partridge43:28

        Ooh, I dunno how you've ever managed to get over that.

Episode duration: 44:42