12 RSD Hacks That ACTUALLY Work

Alex Partridge 0:00 12 RSD Hacks That Actually Work. And this episode's important because I feel like over the last 12 months, there's been a huge uptick in awareness around what RSD is, what it feels like, what it can do to somebody, the impact it can have on the person's life. But I feel like the next step is really understanding, okay, I have RSD, I know that. What can I do to alleviate the, the, the pain that it causes? What's, what's things can I put around myself to help me actually live with it? Um, and I feel like maybe to set the foundation of the episode, it might be interesting just to recap of what it actually is, what it feels like, and then we'll go into the 12 hacks that, that really help you live with it.

Speaker 0:44 Cool. Yeah. I mean, everyone talks about RSD and just how agonizing it is.

Alex Partridge 0:49 Yeah, it feels like a punch to the chest-

Speaker 0:51 Yeah

Alex Partridge 0:51 ... when, when it's triggered.

Speaker 0:52 I just wish someone would write a book about it.

Alex Partridge 0:54 [laughs] Well, it's such a big topic that I'm so passionate about, and I, I did write a book on it, and it's called Why Does Everybody Hate Me? Living and Loving with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria-

Speaker 1:05 Mm-hmm

Alex Partridge 1:05 ... because that's how it makes you feel a million times a day, that everyone does hate you-

Speaker 1:09 Mm-hmm

Alex Partridge 1:09 ... when they don't.

Speaker 1:10 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 1:10 You're not too sensitive. You have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

Speaker 1:14 Well, especially with phones, where you're in contact with everyone all the time, the feedback, you can just... Anything you receive from someone, you can, you can change it in your head to be a negative thing if you're prone to RSD.

Alex Partridge 1:27 Oh, absolutely. RSD, in the absence of any positivity or, you know, clear affirmation or acceptance from somebody, you jump to the worst-case scenario. You always feel like you're in trouble. You always feel like you're a nuisance to whoever you're with-

Speaker 1:42 Mm-hmm

Alex Partridge 1:42 ... that your presence is annoying. Every little, tiny tone of voice, shuffle of footstep, heavy, heavier door slam you pick up on, and you make it about yourself. You think that that person hates you, which is why my book is called Why Does Everybody Hate Me? Um, and I think to set the stage, I think, I'll... I'm gonna read the first paragraph, just to remind everyone what RSD is, where it comes from.

Speaker 2:09 Great. Looking forward to it.

Alex Partridge 2:12 [laughs]

Speaker 2:12 This is an exclusive.

Alex Partridge 2:14 Yes, this is... Yeah, the book's not out yet.

Speaker 2:16 No.

Alex Partridge 2:16 Yeah, the book. [laughs] You can pre-order it now with the link in the description, but it is out on March the 24th.

Speaker 2:22 [laughs]

Alex Partridge 2:22 "Children with ADHD hear 20,000 more micro-rejections than a neurotypical child. 'You're embarrassing yourself.' 'Why are you being lazy?' 'Stop biting your nails.' 'Why are you crying?' 'Stop being dramatic.' 'You're too sensitive.' 'You're really rude.' 'Stop being weird.' 'Stop fidgeting.' 'Calm down.' 'Be normal.' 'Stop it.' Even non-verbal rejections like an eye roll. This turns them into adults who experience something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It causes extreme emotional pain when someone rejects or criticizes them. One tiny comment, like a friend saying they're too busy to see them, can trigger a nervous system collapse that feels like they're being attacked, and it means they can't do anything unless it's perfect. They stay in the office four hours later than others. They stay up all night to complete the work to a high standard. They work obscenely hard simply to protect themselves from the emotional pain that comes when their boss makes a tiny correction to their work. They fear disappointing people. This turns them into people pleasers. They abandon their own wants and needs to satisfy the wants and needs of others. They're always over-apologizing. They hide their suffering because they don't want to cause a fuss or let anyone down, but they're crumbling inside, drinking or eating in secret, silently imploding emotionally, filled with sadness and shame. They avoid making decisions. It feels safer to avoid the conversation. They don't apply for that promotion. They stay in that abusive relationship. They let that friend keep walking over them. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is exhausting, debilitating, and dangerous, which is why I wrote this book. I've spoken to every Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria expert in the world during the writing process, and I've condensed all of my learnings, tips, and strategies into this book. I wish I could read this book to my younger self. Always remember, you're not too sensitive. You are not broken. You have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and you have always been enough." We know that RSD is incredibly painful, but as I've mentioned, I really wanna dive into actually, like, what we can do to alleviate the pain. There's over 60 strategies, tips, coping mechanisms in the book, but I think for the purpose of this episode, you've randomly chosen 12?

Speaker 4:45 Yeah, 12 that I thought would be important to the general public. But to be honest, there's so much good stuff in there that it's just a random 12. But we couldn't fit all 60 into this hour, could we? Or half an hour. Shall we start?

Alex Partridge 4:58 Let's do it.

Speaker 4:58 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 4:59 So number 12 is Give it a name. Name your RSD. I call mine Dave the Dragon, and when I feel RSD triggered, when I feel that intense sadness, when I feel that intense anger, rage, when I feel that shame, I hold my RSD out in front of me. I hold Dave the Dragon out in front of me, and by holding it out in front of me, I'm able to separate it from myself, and I can tell myself that RSD is very real, and the pain that comes with it is very real, but it's not based in reality. RSD is a response caused by those 20,000 horrible messages that I had when I was a child. It's been triggered by the comment that someone's made to me today, that thumbs-up emoji in response to a text message I've sent, or I've noticed a slight change in tone in my partner's voice.

Speaker 5:59 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 5:59 That's reminded my nervous system and snapped it back to those 20,000 horrible comments, and in the moment-When I feel that, I can hold the RSD out in front of me. I can hold Dave the Dragon in my hand.

Speaker 6:10 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 6:10 And it's a reminder that, yes, RSD is very real, but it's not based in reality, and therefore it takes away a lot of the power-

Speaker 6:20 Mm

Alex Partridge 6:21 ... that it has over me, and it stops that shame spiral from, from escalating really quickly.

Speaker 6:27 Mm. I guess it also gives you some perspective as well if you visualize it as this small thing in front of you. It's like zooming out and you see the world's this tiny thing, and then you're worried about receiving a text message of a friend. It makes it seem so insignificant, doesn't it, if you zoom out in that way and hold it in front of you?

Alex Partridge 6:45 Absolutely. It can be so easy when you're feeling that intensity to feel like the world's come crumbling down, everybody hates you, when in fact you're responding to all of those horrible comments you had as a child. And, and what's really important in that moment is to remind yourself that those comments, or being the recipient of all of those nasty messages, that they weren't your fault.

Speaker 7:08 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 7:08 Because the world is calibrated to neurotypical standards, and you're neurodivergent, and because of that, you put out various differences to the world. And unfortunately, the world that is set to neurotypical standards, it's jarring to them, and therefore you will receive nasty comments that remind you of your difference. But that's not your fault. You are just different. And when you remind yourself in the moment today that this feeling is in response to comments that weren't your fault, that also goes a long way to reduce a lot of the shame that comes with RSD.

Speaker 7:42 Good advice. And also, nothing against people named Dave.

Alex Partridge 7:47 Yes. [laughs]

Speaker 7:47 You could be setting off their RSD by saying that.

Alex Partridge 7:50 Yes. Yeah. Sorry any Daves listening. It's, it's not-

Speaker 7:52 Yeah, or any dragons listening.

Alex Partridge 7:54 Don't know why I called it Dave the Dragon. It's a dragon because it is... I don't wanna take away the impact and the intensity of RSD. It's very real. But also, it's not based in reality, and, and, and, and dragons aren't based in reality either. So it's a good... For me, it's a reminder to say that my response is valid and it's real today-

Speaker 8:16 Mm

Alex Partridge 8:16 ... but it's not based in the reality of what that person said. What that person has said has reminded me of all of those horrible comments that happened years ago, and those weren't my fault.

Speaker 8:26 Mm.

Alex Partridge 8:26 And therefore neither is my reaction to those comments today.

Speaker 8:30 Mm. I'd love a little dragon in my hand. Wouldn't you? Dragon.

Alex Partridge 8:35 I can, I can, I can buy you one.

Speaker 8:37 Yeah. [laughs]

Alex Partridge 8:37 I'll get you one for the n-

Speaker 8:38 Yeah, please

Alex Partridge 8:38 ... for the next recording. [laughs]

Speaker 8:39 Oh, I'd love one of those.

Alex Partridge 8:40 What would you call your dragon?

Speaker 8:42 Well, it's gotta be Dave now, hasn't it?

Alex Partridge 8:44 Dave the Dragon?

Speaker 8:45 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 8:45 Maybe we should get... We should just do merchandise. Dave the Dragon.

Speaker 8:48 Yeah. [laughs]

Alex Partridge 8:49 ADHD Shatter merch.

Speaker 8:50 Yeah. [laughs]

Alex Partridge 8:52 [laughs]

Speaker 8:52 Um, right. On to number

Speaker 8:56 11.

Alex Partridge 8:56 Number 11 is the fact that RSD hates evidence that contradicts how it makes you feel about yourself. RSD makes emotion feel like fact, and what we can all do is build up a list of facts that contradict how it makes us feel about ourselves. So I have, on my phone app, a, a list of my strengths, my small wins, my positive things that I feel good about myself. So when RSD strikes and I feel that intense emotional response, I can whip out my phone and suddenly read my list of qualities, and when we do that, when we have such blatant evidence in front of our face that contradicts how we're feeling in this moment-

Speaker 9:50 Mm

Alex Partridge 9:50 ... then it instantly kind of goes a long way to, to stop that spiral from happening.

Speaker 9:54 Mm. It's kind of like, do you know, remember those velvet pillows you get? Like sequined pillows-

Alex Partridge 10:00 Oh, yes. Yeah

Speaker 10:00 ... that you can, you c-

Alex Partridge 10:02 Oh, they're so addictive

Speaker 10:03 ... you run your hand down it and then it changes color.

Alex Partridge 10:06 Yeah. Sensually-

Speaker 10:06 And then you run it back

Alex Partridge 10:07 ... dream.

Speaker 10:08 I f- I feel like RSD's a bit like that. The one comment can flip you all into one different color, and then your list that you're just mentioning there of all your good points, you read that and it flips you back to the original color.

Alex Partridge 10:22 It's a great analogy, a great visual, and it's so true, and I feel like to complement that tip, probably to have s- a, a trusted person or a, a partner or a friend that you can call up and they can remind you of your list too.

Speaker 10:36 Mm.

Alex Partridge 10:36 Sometimes the, the emotions can take over. The response is so visceral. It's so intense. Like, it feels like someone's put barbed wire around your heart and tightened it.

Speaker 10:47 Mm.

Alex Partridge 10:47 To have somebody that you can just call and say, like, "I, I'm, I'm in it right now. I'm feeling RSD," and they can read you your list of, of positives too.

Speaker 10:56 Just make sure that they're not either driving at the time or operating heavy machinery.

Alex Partridge 11:01 Yes. [laughs]

Speaker 11:03 It's like, uh, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Who, which friend are you gonna call?

Alex Partridge 11:06 Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 11:08 Um, but the prize isn't £1 million. It's a sense of wellbeing. Um, okay. Right. Moving on to number 10.

Alex Partridge 11:19 Number 10 is remove yourself. And once you're triggered, if you feel that intense feeling, if you're in the workplace, if you're in your relationship and something's happened, a comment has happened and you can feel that intense feeling, remove yourself from the situation before you respond. Put a pause between the event that's triggered you and your response to it.

Speaker 11:43 Mm-hmm. I mean, a big part of that is r- remembering that it will go away, because that feeling when you get struck by something and your RSD flares, you feel like, "God, this is it forever." But you gotta remember it will go away, probably in a couple of minutes. So the removing yourself is really good, really good advice.

Alex Partridge 12:04 Yeah, because if you respond in the moment-If you lash out or you get into an argument, then the other person's likely to retaliate. That's likely to trigger your RSD further.

Speaker 12:17 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 12:17 That's gonna escalate their response and quite suddenly you can get into this escalation and it can, it can es- escalate so quickly to you storming out of your job-

Speaker 12:29 Mm

Alex Partridge 12:29 ... or you s- storming out and saying, "I want a divorce," or, "I'm, I'm quitting and I, I can't do this anymore." And then you come down quite quickly, but so much damage has been left behind and you sort of have to come back with your tail between your legs and apologize or say, "I didn't mean that."

Speaker 12:46 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 12:47 But because the, the, the responses to RSD are often so disproportionate to the comment or the event that's triggered you.

Speaker 12:56 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 12:56 'Cause like we said earlier, you're not responding to the here and the now, the person in front of you. Your nervous system has been reminded to those 20,000 horrible messages and, and that's where you're at. You're, you're, you're at that level of intensity. It's like all of those 20,000 emotional cuts have come back at the same time and you just see rage or you see intense sadness, and it's just so important to, to recognize that feeling and stop yourself, catch yourself before you respond and remove yourself from the situation. Like give yourself time to

Alex Partridge 13:28 regulate. Which leads me onto the next point, um, really nicely, which is to try and slow down that emotional response and, for example, if, if you're at work, like and you, you remove yourself by taking yourself to the bathroom. That's maybe your safe space, your little pause area. And the things I do in those moments is to l- really focus on my breathing. Like four seconds in, six seconds out, and repeat that five to six, seven times and you'll notice a, a complete shift in, in your regulation quite quickly.

Speaker 14:02 Yeah, I mean, the bathrooms here are just full of people removing themself from their RSD episode.

Alex Partridge 14:09 [laughs] Yes, I know. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 14:10 You can't even get in there.

Alex Partridge 14:11 Yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 14:14 [laughs] There should be little RSD rooms maybe, like booths.

Alex Partridge 14:19 Well, abs- in an ideal world, but I feel like, you know, we're a long way off from total accommodations. You know, sadly sometimes the bathroom is the only available option. I wish there was a, a safe space and a sensory room and a quiet space, but, uh, I think we're a long way off that. But bathrooms do can, can serve as a, a, a good middle ground.

Speaker 14:39 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 14:39 Put your hands under cold water. Splash some water on your face. Shake your hands around. Stim. Regulate yourself.

Speaker 14:48 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 14:48 Give yourself time to decompress and to bring your nervous system back down to a base level. What really helps when you're in the bathroom is to, is to look at things around you. Like try and really pay attention to five things that you can see, five things you can smell, five things that you can touch. Almost like ground yourself. The goal isn't to suppress the feelings, it's to give you time to think rather than react in the moment.

Speaker 15:17 Mm-hmm. Taking your mind, consciously taking your mind elsewhere. Could be something as simple as like wiggling your big toe and trying to do it individually to... or, or, you know, just anything that stops you from reacting.

Alex Partridge 15:31 We had Dr. Samantha Hugh on the podcast, didn't we? And it's not always accessible, but she said that to regulate yourself and to bring you down super fast, you can distract the nervous system by biting down on ice, which I thought was an interesting one. Ice isn't obviously always available, but running your hands under cold water has a similar effect. It's just about distracting your nervous system, grounding yourself.

Speaker 15:56 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 15:56 'Cause your nervous system is... the nervous system of someone with RSD can't tell the difference between a benign comment from your boss saying, "Oh, the second paragraph in that work you just submitted, can we talk about how that could be changed?" It can't tell the difference between that comment and a lion attacking you in a wood. Your response is the same, and it's no wonder therefore you might just decide, "This is too much. I need to get out and quit this job," and storm out. But then you come down from that and you're like, "Oh, actually no, I need to pay my rent, and that job actually isn't too bad."

Speaker 16:28 Mm.

Alex Partridge 16:29 And all of that can be avoided if rather than you storming out, you just take that five minutes away in the bathroom. Go through those grounding exercises, and then re-approach the situation with a much clearer head.

Speaker 16:42 Yeah. Yeah. Biting down on ice, I like that idea. You never get stressed people who live in the Arctic Circle-

Alex Partridge 16:50 [laughs] True, yeah

Speaker 16:50 ... for that

Speaker 16:51 reason. Number eight of the 12 taken from the book.

Alex Partridge 16:54 Number eight is to always question the story that you have formed in your head. When RSD is triggered, for example, you could be in the pub after work with some of your colleagues and you hear somebody approach one of your colleagues and say, "Hey, Jasmine, I can't wait for your birthday party next week." And you think, "I wasn't invited to that." And you suddenly think, "Everyone hates me. Jasmine thinks I'm useless. Nobody actually likes me." And you, and you quickly form this horrible story in your head. And I think in that moment it's really important to, to question that story-

Speaker 17:29 Mm

Alex Partridge 17:30 ... and to ask yourself, "What actual evidence do I have that this group of people hates me? Is there another explanation as to why I might not be invited to that party?"

Speaker 17:46 Mm-hmm. For example, it's a totally different table that you've got nothing to do with.

Alex Partridge 17:52 Yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 17:53 I would... that would set off my RSD. Even something like that, I don't even know these people and they're... there's a party and I haven't been invited. [laughs]

Alex Partridge 18:00 Well, the context is like often some of these companies are really big, and you could be out with a group of 10 people, you don't know all of them. A couple of people are there perhaps from a different department-

Speaker 18:08 Mm-hmm

Alex Partridge 18:09 ... or who work on a different floor than you, and it's just a different social circle.So when someone comes over and asks Jasmine, who you don't really know that well either-

Speaker 18:17 Mm-hmm

Alex Partridge 18:17 ... if they're going to the party or they're excited for the party, like there is a, a tangible reason why that invitation wouldn't have reached you-

Speaker 18:27 Mm-hmm

Alex Partridge 18:27 ... because you're in a different part of the company, and yet in the moment, RSD doesn't see the nuance. It doesn't see the context, and you just ass- everyone is going to this party, and you're the only person who's not.

Speaker 18:39 And also fast-forward to the day of the party, you probably don't wanna go anyway. You should thank your lucky stars you weren't invited to Jasmine's party.

Alex Partridge 18:48 Yeah, exactly, on the day.

Speaker 18:49 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 18:49 It's like, "Oh, well, now I've gotta bloody figure out what to wear. It's gonna be over-stimulating-

Speaker 18:55 Exactly

Alex Partridge 18:55 ... I'm gonna have to probably overshare my trauma again. I'm not gonna sleep for days."

Speaker 19:00 Yeah, and imagine the things you might say at the party that you'll be gr- regretting the next day.

Alex Partridge 19:04 And you will have to leave the job-

Speaker 19:06 Yeah

Alex Partridge 19:06 ... in your head at least.

Speaker 19:07 Exactly, yeah.

Alex Partridge 19:08 [laughs]

Speaker 19:08 So th- I, I think, thank God that you weren't invited to Jasmine's party.

Alex Partridge 19:11 Yeah. Good. Good.

Speaker 19:12 It'll probably be quite a boring one-

Alex Partridge 19:14 Yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 19:14 ... as well.

Alex Partridge 19:16 You know, it, it's... and asking these questions is not a ga- is not about gaslighting yourself. I feel like even, you know, even RSD might pop up, pop up in your head and say, "Oh, I can a- I can reframe the story or question the story, but, oh, I'm just gaslighting myself, you know. The fact is I'm not liked, and maybe I should've been invited." But you're just adding a wider perspective, and often when you zoom out and you sort of widen the lens, and then you see the context and the nuances of what I said, like, okay, a different department, these guys don't work on your floor. Then y- by widening the perspective, you see the additional context actually adds a credible reason as to why the invitation didn't reach you.

Speaker 19:55 Mm-hmm. Yeah, there's always other sides of the story that you don't realize at the time, isn't there? If you sit down and you think about it and be rational about it, there's loads of reasons why you wouldn't be invited. Not-

Alex Partridge 20:06 Rationale is the enemy, isn't it, of RSD? It's the... RSD is the emotional tsunami which shuts down the logical side of the brain. Intentionally trying to reactivate the, the rationale and the logic, you, you, you, you, you squash and turn the volume down on the emotional response.

Speaker 20:23 Rationale is the white knight with a sword to Dave the dragon, being RSD.

Alex Partridge 20:31 Yes.

Speaker 20:31 Right, we're onto number six.

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Speaker 21:34 Right, we're onto number six.

Alex Partridge 21:36 Number six, create an alternative story in your head to the one that RSD is telling you. So actually write down three alternative scenarios that would explain what they've said to you. So rather than defaulting to, "I hate you," you could write down maybe they're busy, maybe they're distracted, or maybe they're dealing with their own issues right now. When you default to rejection, it really helps to write down other possibilities to add context and to snap you out of that they hate me mindset.

Speaker 22:10 Mm-hmm. It's so, um, important to remember that everyone's dealing with their own stuff and that they're not against you. They're just... They're not against you, they're just for themselves, and most people are, I think.

Alex Partridge 22:22 Mm.

Speaker 22:22 Remembering that, "God, I don't know what they're going home to or what's going through their heads," makes you take things not as personally, I find.

Alex Partridge 22:32 Yeah, I mean, it's, it's the, um, when you zoom out and you see that you're just almost like a n- often a non-playable character in someone else's story, and you... y- when you have that realization, so much of the worries in your head that you have over how you're coming across or how other people are perceiving you are just not true. They're, as you said, too worried about having the s- the same worries, the same concerns, the same internal anxiety over how they're coming across. Everyone's having the same feelings.

Speaker 23:05 Mm-hmm, and they're insecure, and they're dealing with things that other people have said.

Speaker 23:10 Number five.

Alex Partridge 23:11 So this one's called the rejection collection, and it's really, really simple. It's just about storing past events in a list, events where you felt that you were rejected, but actually, after all of that overthinking and panic, it turned out to be a positive outcome.

Speaker 23:29 So as in, like, looking at things through the lens of hindsight and seeing where you were wrong in the past?

Alex Partridge 23:35 It depowers RSD when you c- have actual physical evidence of it being wrong and how your panic and dread and shame in that moment was not a, a representation of how that person felt towards you, and it was just your RSD.

Speaker 23:52 Mm.

Alex Partridge 23:53 It wasn't, again, it wasn't a representation of the reality of that day.

Speaker 23:58 I get that a lot with social media. You see your crush upload a picture, and there's a male hand in it, and you're like, "Who is that?" And then it turns out to be their brother.

Alex Partridge 24:08 Battle, yeah.

Speaker 24:08 So that sort of thing.

Alex Partridge 24:10 I mean, it's, it's... When you... And do you, do you store that as evidence where you can now say, "Oh, that hand in that new picture may be my-"RSD is wrong

Speaker 24:23 Exactly.

Alex Partridge 24:24 Yeah

Speaker 24:25 Yeah, so it, it gives me that perspective of you're not always right. Don't always trust your gut, in a way.

Alex Partridge 24:34 I think it just opens up another possibility, 'cause the gut is strong and sometimes, you know, that hand might be a genuine threat, and there are genuine threats out there, and we have to be privy to those. But I think it generally helps to open up another possibility. It helps you create new neural pathways. Rather than always jumping and catastrophizing to rejection, sometimes we can actually associate that feeling with growth rather than shame.

Speaker 25:05 Yeah. That's really helpful. That's helped me a lot, that one. A huge amount, actually. Which goes on to number four.

Alex Partridge 25:14 So number four is such an impactful one. It's the idea that emotional dysregulation, which really is what RSD is, it's such a big factor of it, improves so much when your basics are stable.

Speaker 25:32 Mm.

Alex Partridge 25:32 The things that we do day to day, our lifestyle choices. So sleep, for example, you know, if we get a really good night's sleep, we get a solid eight hours, our capacity the next day to, to f- deal with RSD significantly improves. Our ability to strengthen the scaffolding that we have around ourselves, the support systems we have in place to, to manage the intensity of it improves. Another thing is to really keep an eye on alcohol intake. I, I, I don't drink, neither do you, for our own reasons, but I'd just generally... One glass of wine in the evening considerably makes you more vulnerable the next day to an RSD trigger. I think just one glass of wine and almost all, all of the positives of ADHD go out the window, and all of the negatives, and RSD is the main one, get significantly strengthened. Your ability to, to rationale, to deal with the nuances and trying to contextualize whether that's a real threat or a perceived one, it all gets significantly weaker-

Speaker 26:35 Mm

Alex Partridge 26:35 ... and RSD gets stronger. So if we reduce or cut out alcohol, um, it's, it's a huge hack. And I think also the biggest one, as well as sleep and cutting out alcohol, is exercise. I, I don't think I've ever, ever been triggered by RSD after I've had a good session in the gym. Um, I feel like when we do stuff that makes us feel invincible or stuff that we know only a tiny percentage of human beings do, it gives us so much confidence. I often walk out of the gym and I feel like I'm indestructible, and sometimes it's short-lived, sometimes it lasts for the whole day, but in those moments I feel like I've got this, this bulletproof shield against RSD in front of me. And sometimes it's not feasible to go to the gym, but even minor exercises throughout the day, like 10 star jumps in the office, maybe do some star jumps in the bathroom if you have that regulation break. Exercise, doing something that makes you feel good is such a deterrent for RSD.

Speaker 27:38 Yeah, both, um, very, very good points. Very close to my heart. We speak about this a lot, don't we? Exercise and what it can do and how it can change your whole experience of the day. Such an interesting thing. It can really make you from seeing everything as an obstacle to seeing everything as an opportunity.

Alex Partridge 27:55 I think if you went to the gym and then you saw a hand in that Instagram photo [laughs]

Speaker 28:01 Yeah

Alex Partridge 28:02 ... and then you even had some evidence to show that it was another man, you wouldn't care-

Speaker 28:08 No

Alex Partridge 28:09 ... 'cause you'd feel so good about yourself.

Speaker 28:10 Yeah. I'd be like, "There's plenty of other options out there. Have the hand."

Alex Partridge 28:15 [laughs]

Speaker 28:16 "I don't care."

Alex Partridge 28:17 Yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 28:18 Um, but yeah. And the sleep thing's a really, really big deal, isn't it? Really big deal, how irritable you are if you're not sleeping and how sensitive you are.

Alex Partridge 28:26 There's so much body armor we can put around ourselves by prioritizing sleep, r- cutting out alcohol, and exercising.

Speaker 28:36 Mm.

Alex Partridge 28:36 Little things that actually just make us feel incredible.

Speaker 28:39 Mm.

Alex Partridge 28:39 We get... We feel incredible about ourselves. Our se- self-esteem goes up, and that's, that's the Achilles heel of RSD-

Speaker 28:47 Mm-hmm

Alex Partridge 28:48 ... is self-esteem and self-belief and self-worth. And when you do little things that build those, with each addition of your self-worth that comes with exercising or sleeping better or not drinking, then RSD gets weaker every time.

Speaker 29:00 Mm. So the next time you go to the toilet and you see people doing star jumps in there-

Alex Partridge 29:06 [laughs]

Speaker 29:06 ... they're asleep in there, and they're just taking a breather in there, yeah, it's because they listen to this podcast. So right, we're on the top three.

Alex Partridge 29:15 [laughs]

Speaker 29:16 Top three now. So this is 12 of what? How many in the book? 60.

Alex Partridge 29:21 There's 50 to 60 in the book, yeah.

Speaker 29:24 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 29:24 Yeah. And you can pre-order it now using the link in the description.

Speaker 29:28 Wow. So there's a lot in there.

Alex Partridge 29:30 Quite scary being an author for RSD, because your RSD does get triggered at the idea of putting out an RSD book.

Speaker 29:36 Yeah. I know.

Alex Partridge 29:38 And at... The day it comes out, I'm gonna be refreshing the Amazon page, waiting for that first review, waiting for that-

Speaker 29:43 [laughs]

Alex Partridge 29:43 ... first one-star review. [laughs] So-

Speaker 29:44 Who was the, who was the first review for the last book on Amazon?

Alex Partridge 29:48 Oh, that's a good question. Um, I, I had the same feeling. I don't know, I can't remember, but I had the same feeling. I was, I was refreshing the page of Amazon and expecting that first one-star review to come in. Um, and eventually it did come in, and it was five stars, and I just couldn't believe it. I was in disbelief. I thought it must be some kind of technical error.

Speaker 30:04 Yeah. [laughs]

Alex Partridge 30:05 Um, but I think that's... That is what RSD is.

Speaker 30:07 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 30:07 You know, even in, even with the evidence right in front of me, RSD was still telling me there's no way that that can be true, because the internal belief I had about myself was that I'm a terrible writer, a terrible author, no one's gonna buy into any of this, th- this rubbish that I'm writing. Was... You know, the, the, the cognitive dissonance was massive. Th- the, the, the, the, the, the gap between how I felt about myself and the evidence that the world was showing me-Just fe- just created this huge discomfort, which I'm slowly getting more comfortable in

Speaker 30:37 Mm.

Speaker 30:38 Yeah. Number three.

Alex Partridge 30:39 This is probably one of the most important ones, and it's about separating p- a part of you with all of you, and understanding that when a part of you is actually criticized, it doesn't mean that the whole of you is criticized. In other words, it's about separating, "I have made a mistake" from "I am a complete failure." And the example is, say you're at work and your boss makes a tiny correction to your work.

Speaker 31:12 Mm.

Alex Partridge 31:13 That would trigger my RSD. That would make me feel like everything about me is terrible, I'm useless, everyone is mad at me, everyone in the office finds me annoying because my boss has made one tiny correction to this piece of work that I've submitted.

Speaker 31:31 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 31:31 But in that moment, remind yourself that what is being criticized, what's being corrected, is one paragraph in one piece of work that you have submitted, and that is not the whole of you. That's not all of you being criticized. Like, things that we do in life, aspects of the things that we give out into the world will often be met with not totally positive feedback, and it's so easy for when you have RSD to assume that that thing that is being critiqued is all of you, and that you are under attack as a person and everything that you stand for is bad.

Speaker 32:10 Mm.

Alex Partridge 32:11 But to remind yourself that there is a difference between something that you have given out into the world that is being critiqued, and separate that from a critique of all of you.

Speaker 32:23 I guess some people see it as that drop of poison in the punch bowl. Pollutes everything, that one little bit of critique, but it's not the case, is it?

Alex Partridge 32:33 Well, even in, you know... Even objectively incredibly talented people make mistakes. And are they terrible human beings? Are they awful at what they do? Human beings make mistakes, and w- when you've got RSD, it's very easy to, to, to zoom in on that mistake because mistakes are often corrected by the world-

Speaker 32:55 Mm-hmm

Alex Partridge 32:55 ... and assume that that's that thing that you have done wrong, that little thing, is a reflection of all of you-

Speaker 33:02 Mm

Alex Partridge 33:02 ... and to therefore feel tremendous shame, tremendous sadness because the world has discovered how useless and terrible and, and awful you are.

Speaker 33:11 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 33:11 But that's not true. It's only one tiny mistake on one tiny thing that you've put out into the world. And to separate that one thing from all of you goes a long way to de-powering RSD.

Speaker 33:23 Yeah. Which brings us on to number two.

Alex Partridge 33:27 Number two: Use clarity to prevent spirals. And the example that I go back to time and time again is if you're at work and your boss asks you for a quick chat without any context, then you just catastrophize and you spiral and think everything's going to end. The world's going to end. Whereas if you demand context by saying something like, "Can I understand what we're going to be talking about in that meeting?" And often it, it goes a long way to de-powering the crushing feeling of RSD. In your relationship, if you, you s- if you sense that your partner's mad at you or, or they're upset with you, rather than over-apologizing, you can start the sentence by saying, "I feel like there's some uncomfortability in the air." So by asking for clarity, you often get the additional context you need that contradicts what your RSD is telling you about the situation.

Speaker 34:26 Mm-hmm. What's the best way of doing that in a tactful way so that you don't come across as needy, for example?

Alex Partridge 34:33 I think by saying things like, "I feel like," or, "Can you... Can I have some further context?" I think in the workplace you can ask for the agenda ahead of time about a meeting so you know what you're stepping into. And in your relationship, I think you can own your sensitivity, almost be proud of it, by saying something maybe humorous or even comically self-deprecating. Like, you know, "I know I'm... You know I'm s- you know I'm sensitive. Can you let me know what that response meant?"

Speaker 35:07 Mm.

Alex Partridge 35:08 Or, "How was, how was your day today? Can we talk about that?"

Speaker 35:13 I think the, the, being over s- being sensitive in a relationship is probably the, the exact reason why they wanna be with you in the first place, 'cause it comes in handy at the beginning. You're emotional, empathetic, sensitive, so you shouldn't be shy about it.

Alex Partridge 35:27 Yeah, I mean, the, the, the sensitivities that come with ADHD also come with tremendous loyalty and empathy. We're hugely attuned to other people's emotions. That makes us tremendous partners and very lovable and very loving.

Speaker 35:43 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 35:44 You know, and the flip side is it, it makes us also really attuned into to picking up on perceived threats and negativity and, and signs that the person hates us, which is the double-edged sword and something we have to be aware of. But I think in a relationship, having that communication between you and recognizing that, yes, there's two of you in the relationship, but there's also RSD, is so important.

Speaker 36:09 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 36:09 And also after an event, if, if the, if the trigger does happen, to ig- acknowledge it in the moment, step away, give yourself time to regulate, do all the things we've spoken about in this episode. But then as a couple, after some time has passed, maybe once a week, come together and sit down and communicate how RSD has showed up over the last seven days. What triggered that... storm out on Wednesday. What happened leading up to it? How was I feeling before it? Make it such a common conversation in your relationship takes away a lot of the shame by doing that, and you can also build up this back catalog of known triggers, and that helps you to avoid them in the future. When RSD is such a common conversation in your relationship, you can then take away a lot of the shame and some of the coping strategies that you as a couple used to, to, to cope and to regulate. You know, if you're in a restaurant with a group of people and someone says something at the dinner table and you instantly, ugh, feel that, rawr, and you, you feel like you can't respond in the moment because it's too shameful, you can have a code word with your partner. Some tap on the shoulder or a, a slight light kick under the table. Something that you know between your, you as a couple is your little signal to say, "I need to go to the bathroom here to, to shake my hands and put my hands under cold water and breathe because I'm triggered because that person s- just said something."

Speaker 37:43 Mm.

Alex Partridge 37:43 I think communication and awareness of RSD i- in, in a relationship is fundamental. Um, otherwise just shame takes over, and the explosive rows will escalate and sadly I think when there isn't an understanding and, and an awareness of RSD in the relationship, it's the cause of so many relationships ending when they could've been just spoken about, and an understanding of RSD could've been put in place. And I think you grow as a couple when you... And that you, you have a new empathy towards each other-

Speaker 38:16 Mm

Alex Partridge 38:17 ... when you understand that RSD is there, and just speaking about it is, is normalized.

Speaker 38:21 Is this your subtle way of saying, "Don't just buy this book for yourself. It is a good present for a partner"?

Alex Partridge 38:27 [laughs] I didn't think about that, but there is a whole chapter o- on relationships in the book-

Speaker 38:32 Right

Alex Partridge 38:32 ... as there is for kids, and accommodations in the workplace, and the classroom, and in relationships, and everywhere really-

Speaker 38:39 Mm

Alex Partridge 38:39 ... in, in your personal life. So yeah, it's, uh, yeah, you know, I think it's, it's certainly, as I said in the beginning of the book, that I wish I could read to my younger self. And it's, it's quite remarkable when you realize that you've lived for so many years with rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and you didn't know that you were living with it, and you truly believed that you were just too sensitive-

Speaker 38:58 Mm

Alex Partridge 38:59 ... and that you were somehow defective and broken and everybody hated you. But they don't, you know? You're living with something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. You are not too sensitive. You have always been enough. Having that realization, it's huge, and to realize just how common it is within the ADHD community is also really soothing because you're not alone either.

Speaker 39:23 Yeah. Well,

Speaker 39:24 number one, the gold medal hack for RSD.

Alex Partridge 39:30 These aren't really in any, like, order of effectiveness, but the last one is, is, is very good. And it, it's having pre-rejection preparation. So understanding when you're entering into an environment where rejection is possible. For example, you could be going into an appraisal meeting at work, or you could be going to a dinner party where you know that there is a certain type of character at the dinner table who's quite charismatic and just likes to throw jokes around. But, you know, you're extremely sensitive to jokes sometimes. So knowing when you're about to go to a situation where there is a high likelihood that your trigger is going to happen, and write down what you're going to say to yourself before you go into that environment. You could write down, for example, "This isn't about my worth. Their decision or their comment doesn't define me. I can handle this feeling. It will pass." By having these pre-planned responses, and not that you're gonna say them out loud to the table or to your boss in that appraisal meeting. These are things that you're gonna say to yourself. These are things that you're gonna say silently inside your head to yourself in the moment. And when you have that pre-planned response, it prevents the spiral, or it at least stops it from escalating at such speed that you're unable to, to, to recognize it, to stop yourself from responding. It gives your logical brain ammunition when your emotional brain takes over.

Speaker 41:06 So give your logical brain ammunition. That's essentially the hack.

Alex Partridge 41:10 Yeah.

Speaker 41:11 Come prepared.

Alex Partridge 41:12 Come prepared, yeah. Give your... Have those mantras inside your head ready when you know you're about to set foot into a high-risk situation.

Speaker 41:20 Okay. My RSD was set off earlier. This is classic. I'm on a bus, and I, I don't want anyone to sit in the empty seat next to me, and I'm going, "Don't do it, don't do it." And they come and sit next to me. And then an- another empty seat becomes available, and they get up and they leave. And now I'm like, "Why, why are you leaving me?" [laughs]

Alex Partridge 41:40 [laughs]

Speaker 41:41 "What have I done wrong?" So my RSD can be set off just by someone getting up and l- and moving spaces. Even in cafes, they come and sit next to me, and then a be- better place comes available, and I know it's a better place. They'll get up and they'll leave, and I think it's my fault. That's RSD, isn't it?

Alex Partridge 41:57 It is, yeah. And I, I have just thought of something that happened this morning. I, I, I'm doing this speaking gig in America in a couple of months, and I've emailed them probably about 16 times. And at the end of all of their emails-

Speaker 42:10 Mm

Alex Partridge 42:10 ... you can tell that it's... That they, they, they s- their emails, they, they sign off by saying, "With kindness and gratitude."

Speaker 42:17 Mm.

Alex Partridge 42:17 "And her name is," I won't say her name, but then she writes her name.

Speaker 42:20 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 42:20 And it was quite clear that every time she's emailed me, she's manually typed out, "With kindness and gratitude."

Speaker 42:25 Mm.

Alex Partridge 42:25 But this morning I read the email from her, and I realized that the, "With kindness and gratitude" was in a different font, and it was bold, which in my head suggested that it was automated or it was some kind of permanent email signature that she had now just used to put in to everyone.

Speaker 42:39 Mm.

Alex Partridge 42:39 [laughs] And it took away the-Suddenly it was like, "Well, she didn't write that this time."

Speaker 42:44 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 42:44 'Cause that's automated.

Speaker 42:45 Ah.

Alex Partridge 42:45 And now she doesn't like me as much as she did over the last 60 email exchanges.

Speaker 42:51 Yeah. She... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can relate to that. I've got a great story. Do you remember Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Alex Partridge 42:56 Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Speaker 42:57 Yes.

Alex Partridge 42:58 Yes.

Speaker 42:58 So she was my m- biggest crush when I was about 11, and I wrote to her, um, fan mail, and I got a poster of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it was something about this big, and it had her signature at the bottom, and I cherished it for, like, a year. And then my friend saw that I did that and did the same thing, and he got the same thing, and he had the signature. And I just spent hours comparing the signatures to see if it was printed or if it was real, and it was printed, and I still think about that all the time.

Alex Partridge 43:28 Ooh, I dunno how you've ever managed to get over that.

Speaker 43:31 Yeah. [laughs] I know.

Alex Partridge 43:33 [laughs]

Speaker 43:33 I know. And then she got married, didn't she? So that sort of helped me get over it, but-

Alex Partridge 43:37 Do you still have the signature now?

Speaker 43:39 Um, no, I don't have that anymore, but when she uploads, uh, something on Instagram and I see her husband's hand in it-

Alex Partridge 43:46 [laughs]

Speaker 43:47 ... that really triggers me.

Alex Partridge 43:48 Yeah. [laughs] There's 12 hacks there. There's loads more in the book. I think ultimately, though, when you do feel that intensity, you know, when, when you realize that Sarah Michelle Gellar's signature is not actually one that was written by her and it was a print, and you feel that [laughs] intense rawr, like that-

Speaker 44:04 Yeah

Alex Partridge 44:04 ... shutdown, I think the most important thing is in that stage, you know, to go easy on yourself. Um, go super soft on yourself. Dim the lights. Don't try and fix it. Just try and regulate.

Speaker 44:16 Mm-hmm.

Alex Partridge 44:16 Like, RSD doesn't always need a productivity plan. It just needs safety, and to remember that when you're in that state, when you're in that m- mode of being triggered, that that's your priority.

Speaker 44:28 Yeah.

Alex Partridge 44:28 Like, just find safety.

Speaker 44:29 Mm-hmm. Great.

Alex Partridge 44:31 And it would be great if anyone would like to pre-order the book, there is a link in the comments, and please, if you have any of your own strategies that have worked to soothe your RSD, please add them in the comments section below, too. Thank you very much