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23 AuDHD Accommodations You Don't Know About (But REALLY Need)

AuDHD can feel like a massive contradiction with lot of confusing twists and turns. Here’s 23 AuDHD accommodations that you definitely need in your life. Chapters: 01:56 Too many showers 04:11 Give a non answer 06:16 A mental health day 09:19 Outfit repeat 10:55 Life’s better when you’re flexible 12:20 Grace period please 15:19 Fish and chips again please 18:05 Animals are better than humans 19:26 Tiimo advert 20:28 Cancel out the noise 22:03 Don’t be vague 23.35 Context is king 26:00 It all makes sense now 28:14 Pay the convenience fee 29:18 Walk and talk 30:12 Have a socks and pants rack 31:06 Don’t sit opposite someone 34:26 Let’s go there again 36:03 Use music for transitions 37:47 Jewellery… yuk 40:35 Be my body double 41:42 When no ones watching ADHD Chatter LIVE London Show Tickets 👉 https://www.aegpresents.co.uk/event/adhd-chatter/?cpch=AEGPRESUK_SOCIAL&cpcn=AEGPRESUK_ADHDChatter_London_SOCIAL_Artist_11032026_OGNC_ Join the ADHD Chatter Patreon community 👉 https://www.patreon.com/cw/ADHDChatter Get 30% off an annual Tiimo subscription 👉 https://www.tiimoapp.com/offers/adhdchatter Buy Alex's book entitled 'Now It All Makes Sense' 👉 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Now-All-Makes-Sense-Diagnosis/dp/1399817817 Pre-order Alex’s latest book about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria 👉 https://linktr.ee/adhdchatter?utm_source=linktree_profile_share&ltsid=9ffd8709-06df-444c-9936-c136fbd14d6e Producer: Timon Woodward  Recorded by: Hamlin Studios Trailer editor: Ryan Faber DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or qualified healthcare provider. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website.

Alex Partridgehost
Mar 24, 202644mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 1:56

    Intro

    1. AP

      23 AuDHD accommodations that are gonna make people's life a lot easier. Um, and there's three in here that I'm going to flag when we get to them that I personally think has helped me the most, um, and I truly believe that will help the listeners and the viewers the most.

    2. SP

      So what do you mean by AuDHD accommodations?

    3. AP

      AuDHD, if you've got a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD, that complex push and pull, many contradictions, wanting to be clean but struggling to maintain that clean environment or craving stimulation but also getting overstimulated easily, for example. That, that internal tug of war. Um, if you live with that type of neuro type, that type of nervous system which can be very confusing-

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm

    5. AP

      ... then the accommodations that, that work well for that, uh, are very unique, and I think that's what we're gonna go through today.

    6. SP

      Great. Okay. So 23?

    7. AP

      23. And I think so many people get, uh, an ADHD diagnosis at one point in their life and then they finally realize that actually there's more going on and they also have autism.

    8. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    9. AP

      And I think the problem somebody faces in that position is that they then don't know what to ask for or they don't know how to advocate for themselves, whether that's in their personal life, in trying to be productive, in their relationships, or at work. And I think it's a very confusing time because they're, they're not only coming to terms with this new awareness that they're AuDHD rather than just ADHD, so they're also trying to figure out who they are, and therefore really struggle to understand what is going to work for them in terms of benefiting their life.

    10. SP

      Hmm. And what was that... I remember Jay Beach had a really good analogy about what AuDHD feels like. It was that there's, like, two siblings dragging each other across the room by their hair.

    11. AP

      I love that visual. Yeah.

    12. SP

      That, very good visual. So I guess if that's what is happening in your brain, you don't really always know what to ask for. So this is a list. It's what you can ask for.

  2. 1:56 – 4:11

    Too many showers

    1. AP

      Yeah. And the first one, and this is gonna be quite... I don't think it should be controversial. It, I think it's normalizing not having a shower every single day.

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    3. AP

      Now, I, I personally do have a shower every day. Um, I'm very busy. I, I'm, I'm up and down to London a lot. I'm very active. But I think for a lot of people it's not necessary, and I feel like there's this kind of unspoken rule that you have to shower every single day and that's what everyone does. That's what humans do.

    4. SP

      Hmm.

    5. AP

      But from speaking to a lot of people in the community, I think that actually get, you know, getting, getting undressed, getting in water, it's incredibly overstimulating. It's a sensory nightmare sometimes having to get soaking wet, having to dry yourself, the time that it takes, the sort of mental energy it takes to, to think about starting that process.

    6. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    7. AP

      I feel like, yeah, unless you are a marathon runner or you're extremely active, I don't think you need to shower every single day sometimes.

    8. SP

      No. Having to wait for the perfect temperature of the shower, it's a waste of time. Scratchy towel.

    9. AP

      Ugh.

    10. SP

      The feeling of your feet on the cold ground.

    11. AP

      And putting on clothes when you still might be slightly damp.

    12. SP

      Ugh.

    13. AP

      Horrible.

    14. SP

      That's bad. Yeah.

    15. AP

      Yeah.

    16. SP

      But then you could have it the other way a- as well, like if people would maybe like a shower because it sort of zo- you can zone out and the, the, you don't have background noise 'cause you've just got the monotone of the, the shower and the, the water. So do you think that some people like showering?

    17. AP

      I think some people love showering. I lo- love taking baths, for example. I, I try and have at least three, four baths a week. It's f- it's my total comfort zone where I enjoy spending time. It's great. Light a candle, lower the lights. Um, for some people it will work. For some people it doesn't. I think it's just a conversation to start. You know, if you are somebody listening or watching and you, and you feel a lot of shame about not showering as often as society tells you that you should, then sometimes it's not necessary, and we can unstrip that sort of unspoken requirement to shower every single day.

    18. SP

      So number 23, never, ever shower ever again.

    19. AP

      [laughs] Yeah.

    20. SP

      Right. Okay. Good.

    21. AP

      Yeah. [laughs]

    22. SP

      Save on water bills.

    23. AP

      Exactly.

    24. SP

      So number 22.

    25. AP

      22. Give a-

    26. SP

      Never brush your teeth.

    27. AP

      [laughs] Yeah, never brush your teeth. Yeah.

  3. 4:11 – 6:16

    Give a non answer

    1. AP

      Give a non answer. So what I mean by that. If someone asks something of your time, for example, "Do you wanna go for dinner tonight?" Or, "Do you wanna go for lunch in an hour?" Or, "Can you walk my dog tomorrow?" Rather than say yes straight away, I think it's the knee-jerk reaction for many people, give a non answer that gives you more time to think about what you really want to do. Because I think so many people have this kind of internalized masked response when people ask something of them-

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm

    3. AP

      ... and they jump to yes, when you can give a non answer, which could be, "Can I let you know tomorrow? I'm not comfortable with that idea. I don't know all the information. Can I get back to you?" Are some examples.

    4. SP

      Hmm.

    5. AP

      Um, and it's up to you to decide what's urgent.

    6. SP

      Hmm.

    7. AP

      Don't let somebody, maybe it's a boss, maybe it's somebody you don't know very well, pressure you into thinking that there's urgency to give a commitment right now.

    8. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    9. AP

      You can make that decision yourself. And by saying, "Can I let you know tomorrow?" You're giving a non answer. You're buying yourself time, which will enable you to then think about whether you actually want to do that thing or not, rather than letting the masked version of you lead the way, which often puts you in a position you don't really want to be in, and it's very hard to, to turn a yes into a no. It's easier to turn a, "Can I think about it?" Into a yes.

    10. SP

      Hmm. Don't let their impatience dictate your life decisions.

    11. AP

      Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]

    12. SP

      'Cause you're like, "Well, what, what right do you have to be impatient? I don't have to give you an answer now."

    13. AP

      Hmm.

    14. SP

      You could even say that.

    15. AP

      Real- yeah, exactly, yeah. I mean, it's so important to prioritize your own, your own energy and, and your own wellbeing and what you want to do, rather than being pressurized into doing something that you don't want to do.

    16. SP

      Yeah. Yeah. And that ties into the whole people pleasing aspect, doesn't it? Of always saying, "Yes, I'd love to do that," even though you don't want to.

    17. AP

      Yeah. Exactly, yeah.

    18. SP

      And then it comes back to haunt you.Um, okay, number 21

    19. AP

      So this is one of the three that I think are gonna help the most. Um,

  4. 6:16 – 9:19

    A mental health day

    1. AP

      a mental health day. You know, I think that so many people with AuDHD wake up and, and you're just completely dysregulated. You wake up, you can feel that you're approaching burnout, you've had a really stressful, really overstimulating couple of days, and you feel that inability to focus, that brain fog, that irritability. And I think we should really normalize having mental health days and advocating for yourself and taking that day off work-

    2. SP

      Mm

    3. AP

      ... and doing whatever it takes in that 24 hours to bring yourself back to a regulated space.

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    5. AP

      Spending time with yourself, taking a long walk, spending time with people that you really, really like. Because if you don't, if you just work through that dysregulated space, if you force yourself to go to work or you force yourself to go to that thing you said yes to-

    6. SP

      Mm

    7. AP

      ... then you're only gonna crash into burnout, and then you're gonna need three or four days off to recover from that burnout.

    8. SP

      Mm.

    9. AP

      So it's really beneficial for everyone when you are in that dysregulated space and you wake up and you feel like you just can't do today, to advocate for yourself and just take that day off.

    10. SP

      Yeah, I guess that inner turmoil, that inner pain is telling you something, isn't it? Just relax. Take a day to yourself. What would you, what would you do on a mental health day, Alex?

    11. AP

      What would I do?

    12. SP

      Yeah.

    13. AP

      Gosh, I would probably spend a couple of hours on YouTube, probably play computer games.

    14. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    15. AP

      Probably listen to music. I'm a big Damien Rice fan. Take my dog for a walk. I'd probably have a takeaway. You know, [laughs] I'd r- probably skip the gym. Uh-

    16. SP

      Yeah. Although some people would want to go to the gym on their mental health day, wouldn't they?

    17. AP

      Yeah, for some people it's, it's absolutely great. I think I'm lucky. I, I live on the seafront. I take my dog for a long walk, get that fresh air in my face. Maybe... I think it's so important to really connect with, like, the natural earth. So I'd go on the beach, feel those stones under my feet, maybe dip my f- toes in the water-

    18. SP

      Yeah

    19. AP

      ... um, and just spend time with my dog.

    20. SP

      Yeah. [laughs] Nice. Mental health-

    21. AP

      What would you do on a mental health day?

    22. SP

      On a mental health day, yeah, I think I would start with a big, nice long run. And then the rest is simple after that, isn't it? After you've done something sort of quite hard in the, in the morning, you can relax for the rest of the day, as we were just talking about off camera. Um, but yeah, well, y- I guess intuition, y- just following what your body wants-

    23. AP

      Yeah, it's amazing-

    24. SP

      ... is the best way of doing it

    25. AP

      ... how many companies don't have taking a mental health day as part of their accommodation packages, or don't see it as a necessary accommodation.

    26. SP

      Yeah.

    27. AP

      'Cause if you genuinely feel, and if you are AuDHD, and you'll, you'll, you'll know that feeling, where you just don't have any social battery left, you're full of brain fog, completely overstimulated, overwhelmed, you need to really protect yourself at that point.

    28. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    29. AP

      Because if you just plow through it and go to work, get on the bus, train, whatever it is, get to the office, you're gonna crash anyway, significantly harder a couple of days later, and then you're gonna have to take two or three days off.

    30. SP

      Yeah. Good advice. Mental health day. Good. Right, number 20.

  5. 9:19 – 10:55

    Outfit repeat

    1. AP

      I've probably got a bit of male privilege saying this, but I stick to the same outfit most days, as often as I can. And I don't wear the same... I've got like four of these of [laughs] four of these white T-shirts. I've got three of these jeans. I've got quite a few of these jackets. Um, it just takes away the decision-making ability of having t- to decide what to wear.

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    3. AP

      If I had to decide what to wear every single day and, and have a new outfit, a new look, then I wouldn't have any capacity left in my head to think about managing this podcast and being creative.

    4. SP

      Mm. Mm. I remember Daniel Radcliffe did that, didn't he, during the height of Harry Potter fame, to trick the paparazzi. He'd just dress in the exact same thing every day, so it looked like they got the same picture every day.

    5. AP

      Sneaky.

    6. SP

      Sneaky, but also clever, and he wasn't overwhelmed in the morning choosing his outfit. So also good advice if you're extremely famous.

    7. AP

      Hmm. At Hogwarts, do they have to wear the same outfit every day?

    8. SP

      I think so. Yeah.

    9. AP

      The same gown.

    10. SP

      The same gown, yeah. [laughs]

    11. AP

      Yeah. Maybe he learned it there.

    12. SP

      Yeah. Yeah. Um, that's, that's, that's good advice, 'cause you do dress in the sa- same thing pretty much every time you come to the studio, don't you?

    13. AP

      Yes. If you watch [laughs] the back catalog of episodes, you'll see that I wear this, or have worn this, for probably six months. Actually, to be fair, it rotates. Every six months, it's generally a slight change-

    14. SP

      Mm

    15. AP

      ... depending on seasons probably.

    16. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    17. AP

      Once I find something that I like, then that's it. It's like, okay, that job's done. I've made that decision. I don't need to think about that anymore, and that's, that's what I'll wear for six months.

    18. SP

      So number 19.

  6. 10:55 – 12:20

    Life’s better when you’re flexible

    1. SP

      What's that?

    2. AP

      Flexible start times. So I think we should all accommodate for ourselves in whether it's at, in the workplace, enabling yourself to at least have the confidence to ask to start work maybe 10 minutes earlier or 10 minutes later than is the sort of standard time to come into the office. How many people have been forced to come into the office at the required start time, and because of that, it's put them in the firing line of the rush hour traffic-

    3. SP

      Mm

    4. AP

      ... or a really, really busy underground train or a packed bus.

    5. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    6. AP

      And you're completely overstimulated, completely derailed and disheveled mentally before you've even got to work.

    7. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    8. AP

      And sometimes just advocating for a slightly flexible start time, 10 minutes either side, um, and you completely avoid the, the f- the d- the, the frazzledness in your head that comes with avoiding the rush hour traffic.

    9. SP

      Yeah, that's good. And also s- flexible start times, I reckon you could avoid small, small talk if you started a little earlier or started a little later.

    10. AP

      That's-

    11. SP

      'Cause if everyone arrives at the same time, everyone's talking, it's annoying. But you could... If you start earlier, you're like, "Oh, I can't talk, I'm busy with work."

    12. AP

      Yeah.

    13. SP

      "So I actually got here early-

    14. AP

      That's a good-

    15. SP

      ... 'cause I take my job seriously."

    16. AP

      That's a good extra little point. Yeah, you can have a ni- you can have some quiet time at the coffee area, coffee machine-

    17. SP

      Exactly

    18. AP

      ... without having to talk about the weather-

    19. SP

      Yeah

    20. AP

      ... with your colleague.

    21. SP

      Yeah. I agree. That's a good point. [laughs] Right, number 18.

  7. 12:20 – 15:19

    Grace period please

    1. AP

      Um, yeah, so again, this one's for the workplace really, is, and it's asking for a grace period after a meeting because-I've been in hundreds of meetings in my career, and so many times there's a problem that is put to the group, everyone in the meeting, and you always get the loud, extroverted person shouting out an answer, and so many times that's the solution that the group runs with. When a lot of the time there's such brilliance and creativity that is trapped inside anxious minds. Somebody who might have AuDHD sat in that meeting, biting their fingernails, tapping their foot under the table, fidgeting with their pen, unable to contribute and put their idea to the problem forward in that environment-

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm

    3. AP

      ... because of anxiety. Whereas if you put a, a grace period between the, the d- the delivery of the problem, say half an hour, and then people can go away in a environment that they feel safe in, and then submit problems to the solution in a safe way, like for example, an email-

    4. SP

      Mm

    5. AP

      ... or maybe a Dropbox on the wall.

    6. SP

      Mm.

    7. AP

      And time and time again, if you just give that half an hour, that half an hour grace period, then you unlock the brilliance and the creativity that is so often trapped inside AuDHD minds.

    8. SP

      Mm. The squeakiest wheel gets the most attention. That's the AuDHD nightmare-

    9. AP

      Mm

    10. SP

      ... because they're quite introvert and quiet people-

    11. AP

      And-

    12. SP

      ... usually and creative and-

    13. AP

      And it can build resentment and a sensitivity to injustice because you'll see that idea rolled out, and you know that your idea was better, but you just didn't have the environment around you that enabled you to deliver it.

    14. SP

      Yeah. One thing that's worse, when you tell someone your idea and then they shout it out and they get the credit.

    15. AP

      Yeah. That's devastating.

    16. SP

      Yeah. That's terrible. But anyway, okay, that's great advice. So even like a, maybe, as you say, an email or a suggestion box or something like that.

    17. AP

      Yeah. An email is brilliant because again, it avoids the, the awkwardness of having to approach someone face-to-face. So much anxiety can be avoided if we start communicating or at least give the option to communicate electronically rather than face-to-face.

    18. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    19. AP

      Phone calls, face-to-face conversations can be a overstimulating, anxious disaster for so many people, and because of that, it's almost like this paralysis that stops the brilliance and the potential and the ambition that is trapped inside so many AuDHD people from coming out.

    20. SP

      Yeah.

    21. AP

      And because of that, they perhaps don't get that promotion, or they don't get that recognition that they deserve.

    22. SP

      Mm.

    23. AP

      Tiny little accommodations like let's just allow people to communicate in a way that they feel comfortable with, exposes their brilliance and actually gives the... It puts the, the... It, it balances the playing field. It makes it a fair environment.

    24. SP

      Yeah. Fair environment where everyone can progress at their own pace. Okay. Number 17.

  8. 15:19 – 18:05

    Fish and chips again please

    1. AP

      Eat the same food-

    2. SP

      Oof

    3. AP

      ... every day.

    4. SP

      Yeah.

    5. AP

      I mean, you know, you could have a balanced diet. Of course, switch it up when you can and when you want to, but I feel like so many people with AuDHD really struggle to think about different things to eat, and often therefore actually skip meals.

    6. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    7. AP

      And I just feel like sometimes it's better to eat the same thing rather than not eat at all.

    8. SP

      We went Fernando's yesterday, didn't we?

    9. AP

      I-

    10. SP

      And I had macaroni and cheese.

    11. AP

      Yeah.

    12. SP

      And Samantha Hugh said, "Macaroni and cheese, you, a lot of people have that every day 'cause it's a predictable, uh, texture, predictable sensation. I shouldn't be ashamed of it," and I'm not.

    13. AP

      You, you're comfortable for me to share this?

    14. SP

      Sure. [laughs]

    15. AP

      You eat different food types in an order.

    16. SP

      Yeah.

    17. AP

      So you, so you, for example, you'll eat the macaroni and cheese-

    18. SP

      Yeah

    19. AP

      ... and then you'll eat the chips, and then you'll eat the chicken.

    20. SP

      Yeah.

    21. AP

      You won't, like, blend them together.

    22. SP

      No. See, that, I didn't realize that was a slightly different way of eating until you said, but to me that makes perfect sense, 'cause you want the intensity of each one at its highest optimum level. So I wouldn't... I don't understand choosing a bit of each all in one bite. Some people mix it all up. Mix it all up, don't they? Like spaghetti bolognese, like a child. Spoon in, just mix it in.

    23. AP

      [laughs]

    24. SP

      I just don't, I don't understand that at all. And it goes like a weird gray color. I want everything. I wanna know exactly what I'm tasting at ev- any individual moment.

    25. AP

      Would it stress you out if you put the macaroni and cheese, the chips, and the chicken on-

    26. SP

      Yeah

    27. AP

      ... a spoon together and did everything in your mouth at the same time?

    28. SP

      The thought of it is disgusting. Yeah. [laughs]

    29. AP

      Do you think that's qui- 'cause I think that's quite common.

    30. SP

      So, you know, so imagine-

  9. 18:05 – 19:26

    Animals are better than humans

    1. AP

      Um, so spend as much time with animals as possible. Like, I have a dog, um, and I spend so much time with Milo. He's been on the podcast once before. I didn't bring him today because, um, I've got a dodgy knee, um, and it's quite difficult to walk with him with a, with a dodgy knee. But I, I, he's... I think dogs are brilliant. When you're overstimulated, when you're overwhelmed, lying down with my dog. I didn't realize how much I used my dog over the years as, as, as a comfortPerson

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm

    3. AP

      Like, just the nonverbal communication sometimes. You know, I, I make big hand gestures, I make funny facial expressions, funny noises, and then he- they communicate back in the same way non-verbally, and you pick up on that, and it's great for de- for becoming regulated, coming down from being overstimulated, oxytocin release

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm

    5. AP

      It's the biggest hack I think that I've done to accommodate myself in stressful moments, is really just cuddle up to my dog and, and really appreciate time with my, um, with my, my little boy

    6. SP

      Mm. Milo.

    7. AP

      Milo, yeah

    8. SP

      Who is taking a mental health day today and staying at home

    9. AP

      [laughs] Yeah. Yeah

    10. SP

      He's probably at home thinking, "Oh, a bit of peace and quiet"

    11. AP

      Yeah. He's got too many fluffy, squeaky toys. He's very overstimulated at the moment [laughs]

    12. SP

      Yeah [laughs] . Yeah, he was, he was in once, wasn't he?

    13. AP

      He was in once, yeah

    14. SP

      Great dog. Yeah

    15. AP

      Yeah. He will be back

    16. SP

      He'll be back

  10. 19:26 – 20:28

    Tiimo advert

    1. AP

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    2. SP

      Number

  11. 20:28 – 22:03

    Cancel out the noise

    1. SP

      15

    2. AP

      Fifteen, noise-canceling headphones. I think everyone will be familiar with the, the noise-canceling headphones. I've been a big wearer of Loop earplugs in the past, but there are many others, and again, not a sponsor, just big fan. Um, I think the story that cemented it for me and how much of an impact, like, lowering your exposure to external noises was back in 2016, I worked in a marketing agency, and my job was to grow their Facebook. It was a really busy, overstimulating office. There was a ball pit. Music was playing. Everyone was chatting. This was before I knew I had ADHD. Um, so I didn't understand why in that environment I was completely frazzled, unable to think. But then I asked if I could work downstairs where it was a lot quieter in the cafeteria

    3. SP

      Mm-hmm

    4. AP

      Um, and in the next three months, I had grown their Facebook from zero to eight million followers, and I remember the difference actually, just, just shielding myself from all of that background noise-

    5. SP

      Mm-hmm

    6. AP

      ... like the difference it made to the, not only my anxiety and wellbeing and happiness in the office, but the trajectory of the outcome of my results

    7. SP

      Mm-hmm

    8. AP

      It was huge. All because I had just recognized that external noise or too much of it made me overstimulated and actually paralyzed my ability to be creative

    9. SP

      Mm-hmm. Don't wear noise-canceling headphones when you're in an argument with your spouse

    10. AP

      [laughs]

    11. SP

      'Cause it will make it worse

    12. AP

      Yeah. Yeah

    13. SP

      I remember a waitress once was wearing them, Loop, and she got all of our orders wrong

    14. AP

      [laughs]

    15. SP

      [laughs] That's actually true. So they really work

    16. AP

      Really work, yeah

    17. SP

      Yeah. Right, number 14

  12. 22:03 – 26:00

    Don’t be vague

    1. AP

      So this one is email or write down what you want me to do. Really clear written instructions, I think, and advocating and having the confidence to ask people to give you those-

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm

    3. AP

      ... is so important. I am allergic to verbal instructions. If someone tells me to do something, a lot of the time it will just turn into absolute gibberish in my head, and I won't remember any of it-

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm

    5. AP

      ... and then I'll be, like, full of shame, full of embarrassment, because I haven't been able to follow through on the tasks that they've asked me to do. So advocating for yourself, asking for emails or written instructions, such a simple one, but I think it adds so much clarity, um, into you actually being able to do the tasks that people are asking of you

    6. SP

      Do you think that's because you're too busy trying to figure out e-eye contact rules, you're, and that, so you're not actually listening to what they say?

    7. AP

      Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know, if someone's explaining the board game instructions to me or if I've pulled over and asked someone for traffic directions, which I just don't do anymore because I've learnt that it just doesn't go in, it's almost like the masked version of me slips back on. I'm suddenly thinking about am I, am I making too much eye contact? Which eye am I looking at? How am I coming across? What's my tone of voice? And I drive away from that person or I... It's, that, it's now my turn to, to play the board game, my turn to roll the dice, and I've no idea how to play it-

    8. SP

      Mm

    9. AP

      ... or I have no idea where I'm driving because that person explaining the directions to me or that person explaining how to play the board game, it's just evaporated-

    10. SP

      That's true. Yeah

    11. AP

      ... because I couldn't be paying attention

    12. SP

      Number 13

    13. AP

      Ask for context. So important. So many people are just stuck in a absolutely catastrophic mode of anxiety when someone asks them for a quick chat tomorrow morning or their friend or their partner says, "Can we talk later?" And doesn't give you any context, and you're just left there thinking, "Oh my gosh, I'm gonna get fired. My relationship's about to end. The world is gonna finish," and that's it, and you can't do anything other than essentially be stuck in waiting mode until you get some reassurance that your world isn't about to end. And it's not fair that we're having to be stuck in those periods of heightened anxiety. I mean, that can look like sleepless nights. If someone texts you on Friday saying, "Can we chat Monday morning?" Your weekend is ruined. So asking for context, never allowing somebody to put you in that position. So if your boss emails you asking for a quick chat, like, reply, "Yeah, okay, fantastic. Can I please just understand what we're gonna be talking about?"

    14. SP

      Mm-hmm

    15. AP

      "Can you send me an agenda?" Really advocating for clarity and context overThe future scenario that you're gonna be walking into will save so much anxiety

    16. SP

      True, yeah. I mean, there, um, it could be that they are being overly ambiguous, so it's not your fault, it's theirs. But what if you ask them for context, and you say, and your boss says, "Quick chat." And you say, "Can you just tell me what this is about?" And they say, "Well, it's, it's about the firing." [laughs]

    17. AP

      [laughs] Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, you know, bad news does happen. Bad news does happen, and I think there's, it, there's no way to get out of bad news sometimes. But at least you're either gonna get the bad news now or you're gonna get it on Monday morning with a horrible weekend as well.

    18. SP

      Mm.

    19. AP

      So you might as well choose to get it now and enjoy your weekend and drown it-

    20. SP

      A Band-Aid, take it off fast.

    21. AP

      Yeah.

    22. SP

      Yeah.

    23. AP

      Don't let anyone put you in a position where a lack of cl- context or clarity is causing you to be unwell. Like, we shouldn't let anyone put us in that position. We'd rather... We can take bad news, and we can talk about RSD, and that's another conversation, but we'd rather know the context and what's going on and deal with it rather than be stuck in this horrible, horrible black hole of uncertainty and anxiety and catastrophization over what is that meeting gonna be about?

    24. SP

      Mm.

    25. AP

      Like, don't let anyone put you in that position.

    26. SP

      Yeah. No one has the right to put you in that position.

    27. AP

      Mm.

    28. SP

      Number 12.

  13. 26:00 – 28:14

    It all makes sense now

    1. AP

      A sentence we should all say to ourselves, it makes sense that I feel this way. And I think it's such an important reminder that so many of us should, should say to ourselves, particularly when it comes to feeling overstimulated or overwhelmed or paralyzed sometimes with an inability to make a decision or the intense emotions that can come with an RSD trigger. All of these things are very relatable experiences to the AuDHD community, and there's a huge amount of shame sometimes in, in recognizing that that's happening to you and not understanding why.

    2. SP

      Mm.

    3. AP

      And how much of a contrast that presentation and manifestation of those feelings can contradict with how a world that is calibrated to a neurotypical standard has taught you is wrong, huge amounts of shame. So in those moments, it's really important to remind yourself, like, it makes sense that I feel this way. It makes sense that rejection is so painful because we were criticized 20,000 more times than a neurotypical child in our childhood. With that context, it makes sense-

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm

    5. AP

      ... that a tiny criticism fills us with sadness and shame. It makes sense. And likewise, when you've got a brain that has no traffic light system, when there's a million highly caffeinated squirrels barreling around up there, pulling you in a different direction, a million ideas, a million thoughts, and sometimes no ability to order them in any kind of priority, and therefore it renders you physically paralyzed to do anything, like, it makes sense that you feel this way.

    6. SP

      Mm.

    7. AP

      It makes sense that right now you can't get off the sofa and stop scrolling social media because that's the only thing that's reminding you of how horrible you feel about yourself. Like, it makes sense that I feel this way. It goes a long way to, to pulling you out of that shame when you are stuck in these heightened emotional states.

    8. SP

      It makes sense, and you're not alone in feeling, feeling that way.

    9. AP

      There are millions of us who experience those highs and those lows and, yeah, exactly. Um, it makes sense that I feel this way, and there is a huge community of AuDHD people who feel the same.

    10. SP

      Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay, number

  14. 28:14 – 29:18

    Pay the convenience fee

    1. SP

      11.

    2. AP

      Pay the convenience fees. And what do I mean by that, is sometimes things are easier to do, for example, buying chopped fruit instead of buying fruit that you have to chop. Buying, buying meal boxes, like I suggested earlier, the HelloFresh things. All of these things that are gonna make your life a lot easier-

    3. SP

      Mm

    4. AP

      ... but perhaps come with a slightly higher price tag. And I think what I mean by pay the convenience fees is accept sometimes and give yourself the grace to not feel bad about paying a bit more extra money for the sake of convenience. Because sometimes if you force yourself to save the money and take the harder route, there will be a higher cost in other areas of your life, emotionally, physically, perhaps a burnout. Huge costs that could potentially be avoided just by paying a slightly high financial cost when you de- decide what to spend the money on.

    5. SP

      Yeah. So we're into the top 10.

    6. AP

      Yeah.

    7. SP

      This is where it starts to get very exciting indeed.

    8. AP

      Which number is this?

    9. SP

      Number 10.

    10. AP

      Number 10. [laughs]

    11. SP

      Yeah.

    12. AP

      [laughs] Um, so, yeah, this one is one of the three that I said is gonna change,

  15. 29:18 – 30:12

    Walk and talk

    1. AP

      I think have the biggest impact.

    2. SP

      Okay.

    3. AP

      This is one of the, the main three ones. This one is difficult conversations when walking. Like, that we'll all have m- difficult conversations that crop up in our lives, and I think it's, it's kind of the neurotypical standard to perhaps decide to sit at a table or to go to a cafe and to sit down, whereas I think it's adding movement in is so important 'cause I think it sort of activates that subconscious part of the brain that-

    4. SP

      Mm

    5. AP

      ... lowers anxiety. And if you're walking in a park or even going on a run together, having difficult conversations when you're moving really decreases the stress and anxiety and really helps you focus on what you, what's actually being said.

    6. SP

      Yeah. It's less confrontational, isn't it?

    7. AP

      Yes. Exactly, yeah.

    8. SP

      Have a proper conversation. You're both just have the, have the option to be distracted by things as opposed to staring each other down.

    9. AP

      Yeah.

    10. SP

      It's very primitive, isn't it, when you're looking at someone's e- eyes in that way. Number nine.

  16. 30:12 – 31:06

    Have a socks and pants rack

    1. AP

      Have a socks and pants rack. [laughs] So I wash my clothes downstairs. They come upstairs, where I spend most of my time, and they hang out to dry on this rack. All my socks and pants are just hanging up dry all the time. So rather than having to go downstairs into my wardrobe, which is a- an additional thing to do, I just take them off the rack, and it just saves so much time.

    2. SP

      Mm. Okay.

    3. AP

      Really simple.

    4. SP

      How, uh, are the state of your socks these days? Are they... Do you always wear matching socks?

    5. AP

      So all of my socks are white, and when I buy white socks, uh, all I buy is white socks, so it's just so much easier to find a pair.

    6. SP

      Yeah.

    7. AP

      I think these are, these... One is a, a brand and one is a different brand, so I'm not wearing matching ones today [laughs] .

    8. SP

      Okay. But they're both white.

    9. AP

      Yeah. You can't see the logo-

    10. SP

      Had you not said that-

    11. AP

      .. which gives it away [laughs] .

    12. SP

      Had you not said that, no one would notice.

    13. AP

      Yeah.

    14. SP

      Great. Okay. Number eight.

    15. AP

      In contradiction to what we're doing today,

  17. 31:06 – 34:26

    Don’t sit opposite someone

    1. AP

      don't sit opposite someone if you're gonna have a conversation with them. So let me flesh that out a little bit. If you're going to a social event or you're sat down with someone that you don't know very well, if you, if you sit opposite them, you're kind of h- forcing this quite confrontational, to some people, setup. You're, you're almost enabling the requirement for eye contact-

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm

    3. AP

      ... which many people struggle with. So sitting on the same side of the table, so you're like shoulder to shoulder, just alleviates that inbuilt requirement that neurotypical standards say that we need to make eye contact when having conversations.

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm. While we're on the topic, do you have any good hacks as to-

    5. AP

      [coughs]

    6. SP

      ... how to become better with eye contact?

    7. AP

      I look at the nose [laughs] . Like, I think that's quite a common one.

    8. SP

      Yeah.

    9. AP

      I just ri- I look right in the middle-

    10. SP

      Yeah

    11. AP

      ... in between the eyes, and I think that creates the illusion from your point of view that I am looking at you-

    12. SP

      Yeah

    13. AP

      ... in the eyes. Do you have any good ones?

    14. SP

      Yeah, just don't do it.

    15. AP

      [laughs]

    16. SP

      Don't even try. Just look anywhere else, and if they have a problem with that, then they're not for you.

    17. AP

      Yeah. I found out that cats, if you look at them in the eyes, they sense that you are a massive threat to them.

    18. SP

      Yeah. They don't like it.

    19. AP

      Yeah. Do you think that's the same with AuDHD people?

    20. SP

      Maybe. I think it probably is linked, isn't it? Like, when you... Eye contact with any animal is quite a sort of, uh, an aggressive act, I think, isn't it?

    21. AP

      It's a show of dominance.

    22. SP

      Yeah.

    23. AP

      Or I certainly perceive it to be. If someone's, like, laser focused with eye contact, it's almost intimidating.

    24. SP

      Mm-hmm. Cats blink very slowly if they trust you, like that. The slower, the more they trust you. So if you like someone, do that.

    25. AP

      Like me on the sofa watching TV, falling asleep in the... after saying, "I'll watch this film," and then-

    26. SP

      Yeah

    27. AP

      ... nodding off 10 minutes later.

    28. SP

      Yeah. Yeah.

    29. AP

      My eyes slowly close, slowly blink, and then I'm off.

    30. SP

      [laughs] And then you're off. Yeah. All right, number seven.

  18. 34:26 – 36:03

    Let’s go there again

    1. AP

      Don't feel any shame about going to the same place if you like it, the same restaurant, the same cafe. Yeah, you know-

    2. SP

      [laughs]

    3. AP

      ... if you like a place, if you like the menu, if you like the vibe, if you like the chairs, the texture of the place, the smell, what they offer, food, like, don't feel shame if you go to the same place every time. Huge amounts of stress sometimes, feeling like you have to go to a new place, find a new restaurant-

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm

    5. AP

      ... study a new menu. You know, it's huge overstimulation. If you like a place and it suits you and suits your brain, then there's no shame in repeating it over and over again. Same with films-

    6. SP

      Mm-hmm

    7. AP

      ... and songs.

    8. SP

      Yeah, I do the same at this cafe down the road.

    9. AP

      Mm.

    10. SP

      And now I know all of them. And now w- when I'm n- in there, I know them so well, they all come out for a chat, which is actually a bit awkward, and I need to find somewhere new [laughs] .

    11. AP

      [laughs] It really gets overstimulating.

    12. SP

      Yeah.

    13. AP

      Then you have to-

    14. SP

      Yeah

    15. AP

      ... take your mental health break.

    16. SP

      Well, I keep having to explain why I'm there so often.

    17. AP

      Okay.

    18. SP

      Okay, so I... Just to let you know, I do live just down the road, and I have to explain it-

    19. AP

      [laughs]

    20. SP

      ... 'cause I, it makes me feel like I'm a stalker, 'cause I al- Yeah, same time, same chair. [laughs]

    21. AP

      [laughs] So when's your-

    22. SP

      Well, exactly. Yeah.

    23. AP

      Or-

    24. SP

      I knew that question would come, but-

    25. AP

      [laughs]

    26. SP

      ... the waiting list's just too long.

    27. AP

      Yeah. We should do an episode as, uh, about when you're going to get an autism diagnosis.

    28. SP

      Yeah. [laughs]

    29. AP

      [laughs]

    30. SP

      Yeah, they don't even ask my order now. They just give it to me straight, which means I can never change my order ever, 'cause I'll let them... I feel like a letdown then. If I say I want something different, then, uh, they'll all get really upset-

  19. 36:03 – 37:47

    Use music for transitions

    1. SP

      number five.

    2. AP

      Use music to help transition between tasks.

    3. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    4. AP

      Really simple one. If you're stuck between finishing one task and starting another, put on your favorite song. It'll give you dopamine. It will increase the flow, and you'll j- be straight onto the, the new task before you even know it.

    5. SP

      So use music.

    6. AP

      So putting s- a song on as you're approaching the end of one task-

    7. SP

      Ah, yeah

    8. AP

      ... to give you an uplift in mood-

    9. SP

      Yeah

    10. AP

      ... give you dopamine to help you transition into starting a new task, which again, it might look like a huge uphill battle. But if there's a music playing in the background that really connects with you, it will glide you into the next task with, with, uh, with ease.

    11. SP

      Music, very powerful tool.

    12. AP

      What songs do you listen to?

    13. SP

      Um, I, uh, I don't... The amount of times you get asked, like, "What music are you into?" It's like asking what your favorite film is. Like, it j- every day it's just totally different, isn't it? Just so different. So there's no answer to that.

    14. AP

      No Christina Carpenter?

    15. SP

      No. [laughs]

    16. AP

      That's a, that's a very-

    17. SP

      [laughs]

    18. AP

      ... that's a niche callback from the last Hikes episode we did. [laughs]

    19. SP

      Yeah. Yeah, there were some comments about that, weren't there?

    20. AP

      Yeah.

    21. SP

      Christina Carpenter.

    22. AP

      [laughs]

    23. SP

      Yeah. That's for the real fans.

    24. AP

      Yeah. [laughs]

    25. SP

      Isn't it?

    26. AP

      Yeah, yeah.

    27. SP

      Christina Carpenter. Now, whatever comes on, and it can be so embarrassing as well.

    28. AP

      Mm.

    29. SP

      It can be, like, ripped from a TikTok video, and I think it's, like, a new cool song, and I'm like, "Have you heard this?" And everyone knows it 'cause it's, like, everywhere, and I didn't realize.

    30. AP

      I'm going through a big Les Miserables stage at the moment, in particular Stars.

  20. 37:47 – 40:35

    Jewellery… yuk

    1. AP

      I don't wear jewelry. Um, I, I, I don't wear jewelry. I think many people, again, it's sometimes feel like it's the neurotypical standard. You have to wear a watch, you have to wear earrings, you have to wear a bracelet, whatever it is, and I've tried that, and it just irritated me so much.

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    3. AP

      I don't wear bracelets anymore. I tried WHOOP. Um, I tried silver bracelets. I, I tried, uh, lots of stuff, and I ended up just taking them all off 'cause it's just so irritating, the, the, the overstimulation on my wrists. I wear glasses because contact lenses freak me out. I can't get on board with those. Um, but I still have to wear glasses to see, but they do interfere with my ability to think. Like, having that irritation of something on your face.

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    5. AP

      So when I do interviews, and a lot of the time I don't wear them. So I'd rather be sat here and you being a bit blurry than the irritation of some plastic on my head-

    6. SP

      Mm

    7. AP

      ... distracting me from being able to focus on what you're saying.

    8. SP

      Yeah. Fair enough. Um, you know what drives me mad? Just thought of it. 100 meter runners.

    9. AP

      Yeah, okay. [laughs]

    10. SP

      The Olympics.

    11. AP

      [laughs]

    12. SP

      And some of them have a little chain, and you see them sprinting in slow motion, the chain just smacking them in the face. [laughs]

    13. AP

      [laughs]

    14. SP

      I'm like, how the hell are you doing that? How are you concentrating? 'Cause it drives me mad, the idea of anything, like, uh, absolutely anything.

    15. AP

      Maybe that's what gives them the anger to-

    16. SP

      Carry on

    17. AP

      ... to run so fast.

    18. SP

      Yeah. I just... It's crazy. Why would you not take that off? 'Cause they sort of criss, kiss the crucifix, don't they?

    19. AP

      Mm. It's the general fiber stuff. I can't, I can't wash my car properly in the way you're meant to do it, 'cause you have to use, like, these microfiber cloths-

    20. SP

      Oh, yeah

    21. AP

      ... to kind of buffer it at the end.

    22. SP

      Mm.

    23. AP

      And I just, I... And cotton wool as well. Just the thought of touching-

    24. SP

      Oh, yeah

    25. AP

      ... anything microfiber or cotton wool, it just t- turns my teeth on end-

    26. SP

      Yeah

    27. AP

      ... is an understatement.

    28. SP

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    29. AP

      I just can't. It's almost like a phobia. I can't go near it.

    30. SP

      It's like that feeling of when you cut, when you break a little bit of nail-

  21. 40:35 – 41:42

    Be my body double

    1. AP

      Body doubling. So body doubling, everyone will recognize the term and know what body doubling is. If you don't, it's essentially having somebody near you, being in close proximity with somebody, whether that's in person or virtually, and just being with somebody. You feed off their energy, and it gives you enough energy and motivation to start the task and get through something. It's like an accountability hack, basically.

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm.

    3. AP

      Um, and b- yeah, basically, very simple. I think body doubling is brilliant for AuDHD. It gives that, gives structure, it gives visibility. I think it feeds into the people pleasing a little bit. You don't want to let the person down who's with you, and it gives you accountability, and I think i- I advocate body doubling for a- anyone listening.

    4. SP

      Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. Body doubling's a really, really good one. I guess that, is that what, like, a sponsor is in AA and stuff? Tech-

    5. AP

      Yeah

    6. SP

      ... tech, body double-

    7. AP

      Actually it is, yeah. Someone who's, who... If you're feeling really bad, and you're feeling like you just can't do something, uh, in AA, the context would be if you can't stay sober, then you get on the phone, or you get on a Zoom call with your sponsor, and they give you that accountability to, to, to, to not pick up that drink. So yeah.

    8. SP

      Good advice. Body doubling.

    9. AP

      Body doubling.

    10. SP

      Number two.

  22. 41:42 – 44:58

    When no ones watching

    1. AP

      Number two, pay attention to what you do when you are alone. We've spoken a lot about self-awareness on this podcast and building self-awareness, and I think one of the biggest clues as to who you really are, after years of masking, which someone with AuDHD has done plenty of, is really, like, paying attention to what you are doing when there's nobody passing judgment on you. Like, what do you watch on YouTube? What songs do you listen to? What computer games do you play? What books do you read? 'Cause they're, they're a good indicator of actually who you really are, probably after being confused for many years because you felt, like, the need to shape shift and adjust who you are in order to fit in. So paying attention to what you do when you're o- on your own-

    2. SP

      Mm-hmm

    3. AP

      ... w- is probably the biggest self-awareness exercise that will help steer you into having a lot more self-understanding and making decisions that are better to your overall wellbeing.

    4. SP

      So number two in one sentence.

    5. AP

      Pay attention to what you do when you are on your own.

    6. SP

      Good. Really good bit of advice.So we are on the final one.

    7. AP

      Yeah

    8. SP

      The gold medal.

    9. AP

      Oh, the gold medal. So as I said at the beginning, there were three that I think are gonna help the most, and this one is, I think, the one that's gonna help the most, and it is this. I used to think that being anxious in public was a sign that I was in the wrong place or that I was gonna have a panic attack. But I actually, upon reflection after my ADHD diagnosis, realized that it wasn't necessarily a heightened state of anxiety, it was a state of over-stimulation. And I think to combat that is recognizing that feeling in yourself. If you're at a social event, at a dinner, if the lights are too bright, if there's too much conversation going on, if you're feeling that, that feeling of over-stimulation building, remove yourself from the situation. Go to the bathroom, go to the toilet just for a minute or two. Um, breathing exercises, shaking your hands, jumping on the spot if you need to, just for a couple of minutes. Reset that nervous system, become regulated, and then come back to the event-

    10. SP

      Mm

    11. AP

      ... having advocated for yourself privately, bringing yourself down to a regulated state.

    12. SP

      Or even cry.

    13. AP

      Yeah.

    14. SP

      That can calm you down.

    15. AP

      Yeah.

    16. SP

      Can't-

    17. AP

      Release that pent-up emotion that, that you feel like you can't express at the dinner table.

    18. SP

      Yeah. I've been at a lot of train stations recently, and they're the worst for over-stimulation.

    19. AP

      Yeah. Oh.

    20. SP

      Cafes, train stations, airports.

    21. AP

      Airports. Gosh, yeah.

    22. SP

      Honestly.

    23. AP

      Yeah.

    24. SP

      It's like how I imagine the Titanic when it's just going down, the panic. That's what a normal London train station is like.

    25. AP

      Gosh, I can't even imagine the fear. There was a survivor, did an interview recently, and maybe it wasn't recently, but he described... He was on one of the lifeboats, and what you don't see in the film is how dark it went-

    26. SP

      Yeah

    27. AP

      ... at the end.

    28. SP

      Pitch black, yeah.

    29. AP

      And all you could hear... You couldn't see a thing. All you could hear through the pitch darkness was the screams-

    30. SP

      Yeah

Episode duration: 44:59

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