Alex Scott: I’ve Never Told The FULL Truth About My Past | E182

Alex Scott 0:00 I'm in a room, listening to everything go on and just hoping she's alive. That was the hardest night of that one. (screaming)

Steven Bartlett 0:08 Alex Scott! (cheering)

Alex Scott 0:09 140 caps, three World Cups, four European championships, and 12 international goals. Alex Scott. (cheering) Football was allowing me that platform to see things, learn things about the world that I know was making me even more hungry. And to keep that, I needed to keep doing my little football. (footsteps)

Steven Bartlett 0:28 You couldn't speak growing up because of a speech impediment. How did that impact your life?

Alex Scott 0:34 There's certain things I- I just can't say, but it's almost I found a habit of just laughing at myself before everyone else laughs at me. Here I am getting nothing but pure hate, (gun shots) death threats and abuse. And then I got sad. I'm like, "I can't do this anymore." My dad had this dark side. So my protection was to try and love my dad all I can, and all those darkness and the demons will go.

Steven Bartlett 1:07 Did that work?

Alex Scott 1:09 (exhales) I've done this book to free my mum. On the other hand, I'm scared that it could ruin my dad's life. (screaming)

Steven Bartlett 1:21 (dramatic music) Before this conversation starts, I've got a favor to ask from you. 74% of people that watch this podcast frequently haven't yet hit the subscribe button, and 9% of people haven't yet hit the bell to turn notifications on. The bigger this platform gets, the bigger the guests get. So if you could do me one favor, if you've ever enjoyed this podcast, please hit the subscribe button and turn notifications on. Without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett, and this is the Diary of a CEO. I hope nobody's listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself. (upbeat music)

Steven Bartlett 1:57 Alex, we sit here in East London today.

Alex Scott 2:01 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 2:02 And your story starts in East London as well. Take me right back to, to East London when you grew up in some... When was that? 1980-something?

Alex Scott 2:12 '84.

Steven Bartlett 2:13 '84?

Alex Scott 2:13 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 2:14 Take me back.

Alex Scott 2:17 Well, instantly, even when you say East London, I'm smiling, because I have so many happy memories, and the feeling that it gave me, a sense of community, everyone looking after you, even though it's surrounded by struggle and hardship, it makes me smile. East London, instantly, I can go to playing in the football cage because that football cage was a freedom. For me, it was an out, it was an escape. It allowed me... That football cage allowed me to start dreaming of a world that, I don't know, that I never thought that I'd be able to see or imagine. But in that space, it gave me that.

Steven Bartlett 2:56 When was the first time you watched a football match? How did football come into your life?

Alex Scott 3:00 (exhales) I don't actually even remember sitting down to watch a football game on TV 'cause both my mom- mom and dad, they weren't athletes. So it's not a thing that we'd sit down and watch a football match. But in that area that I grew up in, that football cage was everything. It was the community. It was where people came together.

Steven Bartlett 3:18 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 3:18 And I think that's how I got into football and that's what I liked. It gave me that connection to other people.

Steven Bartlett 3:23 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 3:24 So for me, it wasn't dreaming that, you know, I wanted to play football, be a professional footballer. That wasn't it at all. It was a sense of a safe space in that football cage and feeling at one with everyone else in the neighborhood.

Steven Bartlett 3:37 Escapism, a safe space.

Alex Scott 3:40 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 3:41 Why was it a safe space?

Alex Scott 3:43 A f- a safe space... from a home environment. The football cage was fun. I could smile. You felt free. And in home... it was like I was locked in. It was an environment where it was very much controlled.

Steven Bartlett 4:20 Controlled by your father?

Alex Scott 4:21 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 4:25 Tell me about your mother and father.

Alex Scott 4:28 My mom? (laughs) A woman that is an incredible person, full of love, full of softness, and just a light around her that wants to do everything for everyone before herself, doesn't even think about herself. No, doesn't even see the person that she is, because ultimately that was taken away from her. My dad, you know, I see the love in my dad. I wanted to love my dad so much. I was a daddy's little girl. But he had this dark side, and that's the side that we saw a lot of growing up.

Steven Bartlett 5:13 When was the first time you, you recall seeing your father's dark side?

Alex Scott 5:17 (exhales) I can't put an age to it, to be honest, but it was there, f- mostly what I can always remember, that you saw this loving side. And I, I always say the drink, but obviously the drink helps it come out a lot more. But I ju- you could see him turn, like his thoughts or what he was going through in his mind, that's how he took it out on, I'd say, all of us, more so my mom. But yeah. It was just, for me, it was just sad because I could see this good in my dad that was there, when he smiled, when he was listening to music, and that's the side I just always wanted to see and was begging to, to stay there, but it wasn't.

Steven Bartlett 6:07 In that home was you, your brother, and your mum?

Alex Scott 6:09 Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 6:11 These memories, w- what, how old were you when you started having these memories about this other side of your father?

Alex Scott 6:16 (exhales sharply) Well, he left when I was seven. So from the moment... (exhales sharply) From a baby, from two, three, I could see and f- feel, you can feel it, the environment that we're in, that you're not allowed to do something. 'Cause if you do step out of line, you know what's gonna happen and you don't want that to happen.

Steven Bartlett 6:41 What's gonna happen?

Alex Scott 6:42 (exhales sharply) What my mum would go through. The terror. The helplessness that you can't do anything. Just... Yeah. So it's living in fear. You're living in fear every single moment. Hence, why then the football cage becomes your escape, for me.

Steven Bartlett 7:20 Did you, did you want to go home? After school, after...

Alex Scott 7:25 Yeah. I wanted to go home to protect my mum. I wanted to go home to put a shield around her, to be strong for her, even though she was doing the same for me and my brother. But it's like, you wanted to protect someone, but how can I? I, I can't. So my protection was to try and love my dad all I can, to keep trying to bring that side out of him. If he has the love, then maybe he'll start loving us in that way, and all those darkness and the demons will go.

Steven Bartlett 8:09 Did that work?

Alex Scott 8:10 Mm-mm. No. No. (exhales sharply) It's weird because I sit here with you and I say it is dark and straight away. It's, it's hard for me to talk about 'cause I suppose I've hid it for all this time. It's easy not to talk about it. But even though there's so much darkness, there's so much... I remember the good times with my dad. I remember going to the record shops and buying vinyls and coming back and dancing. My dad loved his music. I love my music because of that. So there's so many things that... Yeah, even though all those dark times, I know because of everything that I've gone through, I am the person I am now. You have to take the good bits and the bad bits, and it's what makes me, me.

Steven Bartlett 9:02 You said earlier that your mother had been, she'd had her personality or the, the, the, the goodness taken from her.

Alex Scott 9:08 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 9:09 You alluded to the fact that it was taken from her. What do you mean by that?

Alex Scott 9:14 Because every single day you see my mum walking on eggshells. She's scared to have a voice, to say something, because she knows what she's gonna go through. So that light that is around her and the woman that she has been, that outgoing personality that, you know, everyone loves my mum. She doesn't see that because it's been stripped. She views herself as a coward.

Steven Bartlett 9:46 (inhales deeply)

Alex Scott 9:46 Where as much as I try and tell her, she doesn't see herself like that. She's a coward for staying with my dad for those years, for not leaving earlier for her kids. So as much as we see her as an amazing woman, she doesn't see herself like that one bit.

Steven Bartlett 10:09 Still today?

Alex Scott 10:10 Still today. Still today. She's, she's, she's scared with my book coming out because I finally told that story. She's scared that h- her friends are gonna look at her in a certain way. Like I said, she calls herself a coward. Where I just see the woman that's so full of courage and the strength and the vulnerability that she's shown her whole life for us, for me and my brother.

Steven Bartlett 10:42 In the book, you, you talk about two vivid memories you have of that time, and one of them being the day your mother did speak back to your dad at a joint birthday party.

Alex Scott 10:52 Yeah, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 10:54 Do you still remember that day?

Alex Scott 10:55 Yeah. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 10:57 What happened that day?

Alex Scott 10:59 (laughs) Stephen, we had the most amazing birthday party. It's hard because there's not many things that were celebrated or those moments, and I don't even know how this party came about, whether it was through me and my brother or it was my dad throwing a party because he was a big character, you know? Everyone loved Tony Scott. He had this way about him. Um, but we ended up having a birthday party in the local community, me and my brother, and just, yeah, the music, everyone was dancing. And that's where you, I could see my mum. You know, she was the life and soul of the party. Just her energy was so infectious. And then party then ended in the community center, and we went back to the flat where I grew up in. And then it was just exactly, it's a tone that I know all too well, that no one else knows, apart from me and my brother and my mum, when he asked her to go and get some lemonade. She was in the middle of a conversation, so a natural, "No, Tony, you get your lemonade." And it was that icy tone when he repeated it, and she said "No" again.

Steven Bartlett 12:05 (laughs)

Alex Scott 12:11 It's hard because I'm looking at you, but I can see her. So, yeah. Then straightaway, I know what's coming. Soon as everybody leaves that night, he doesn't forget. So then, we all know what's gonna happen. My mum might have been brave enough and forgot in that moment because she's having fun, she's having a conversation with her friend. And yeah. That was the hardest night, that one. You know, the thing (laughs) about the book is we've never had the conversations. So my mum is trying to survive for her kids. And then I'm in a room listening to everything go on and just hoping she's alive. But she doesn't know what me and my brother are doing or feeling until I've wrote the book.

Steven Bartlett 13:49 In those moments, did you speak to your brother about it?

Alex Scott 13:51 No.

Steven Bartlett 13:53 You talk about being awake at night, hearing what your father's doing to your mother.

Alex Scott 13:58 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 14:00 And never knowing if your brother was laid there thinking and feeling and hearing the same things. You never looked over at him, never spoke to him about it?

Alex Scott 14:09 No. He was in the next room. I had a little box room. (laughs) That was everything. And then there's a silence the next day. W- you're not allowed to speak until you're spoken to. That's the environment we've grown up in. So all you have is a look, or trying to catch a feeling. And our feeling is mum's alive, that we've still got our mum for the moment.

Steven Bartlett 14:38 When you woke up the day after that birthday incident, that party incident-

Alex Scott 14:41 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 14:44 ... and you saw your-

Alex Scott 14:44 I didn't sleep. I didn't wake up.

Steven Bartlett 14:46 You didn't sleep?

Alex Scott 14:48 (laughs) Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 14:48 And you saw your mum?

Alex Scott 14:49 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 14:50 What did you see?

Alex Scott 14:51 Just empty sadness. Just... Like, what can she do? Someone so hurt that every time she moves, it hurts. I heard everything. I heard her trying to run. And then, so then as a five, six-year-old, well, I just wanna hug my mum but we can't.

Steven Bartlett 15:30 You can't hug her?

Alex Scott 15:31 We... No.

Steven Bartlett 15:34 Why?

Alex Scott 15:36 Wasn't allowed to show love. (laughs) I suppose that's why, uh, I suppose like a word like control is easy to say, isn't it? I suppose until you break it down and understand, that's the control. Like, we're not even allowed to show love or hug or speak, really. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 16:04 Y- y- so the, the day af- the day after that incident, you're, you're not allowed to go over to her and hug her?

Alex Scott 16:09 No.

Steven Bartlett 16:10 Your dad has told you you're not allowed to go and hug her?

Alex Scott 16:12 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 16:14 What's the consequences if you, if you hugged her?

Alex Scott 16:18 That something would happen to me and my brother.

Steven Bartlett 16:21 And did that happen to y- to you and your brother?

Alex Scott 16:23 Yeah. If, if we spoke back, if we didn't obey orders. If you show love, emotion, you're not being strong. You're not showing that you're strong, right? You just get on with things. Last night happened, you just get on with things.

Steven Bartlett 16:39 When, when you look back, and you've talked about this in your book as well, about how in many respects that served you, becoming a, a football player and it made you a little bit more-

Alex Scott 16:47 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 16:47 ... I guess resilient, shall I say?

Alex Scott 16:50 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 16:50 Um, but when you look back at those early years and you see how emotion was disallowed or squeezed out of you, are there... were there words spoken that told you emotion was not a useful thing? Or was it just actions and behavior? Where did you, where did you lose that sense of emotion and love and-

Alex Scott 17:09 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 17:09 ... affection and...

Alex Scott 17:11 For me, I always had it.

Steven Bartlett 17:12 Mm.

Alex Scott 17:13 I know from a kid, I just wanted to give love-

Steven Bartlett 17:15 Okay.

Alex Scott 17:16 ... or see the light in someone. I wasn't getting it from my dad or my mum was showing me in a different way. I know I wanted it. I was craving it. I remember my best friend, Regan, going round to her house, and they're huggers.

Steven Bartlett 17:29 Mm.

Alex Scott 17:29 Everything is so affectionate. Even I would like freeze like this.

Steven Bartlett 17:32 Yeah.

Alex Scott 17:32 She'd hug me and I'd just stand there. Like, oh my gosh, I don't even know what to do, what happens in this moment.

Steven Bartlett 17:38 Yeah. (laughs)

Alex Scott 17:38 And she laughs about it to this day.

Steven Bartlett 17:40 Mm.

Alex Scott 17:40 And still to this day, it's hard. You know, I don't hug my mum. But like, I want to. The other day, it was her birthday. I was like, "All right, Mum, little hug and pat on the back, love you." And then like she feels awkward. I'm kind of awkward because that's how we've grown up. We don't know how to do that. I find it easier now because I've gone through the process of learning that and that it's okay. But then when I go back into the environment, to this day, I don't... I can't... I don't think I've ever hugged my brother. Because that's still that environment. It's hard because-For me, I feel so lucky. I've, you know, this career football, now in broadcasting, I've traveled the world. I've educated myself in such a different way, surround myself with people that are affectionate. I love- I love giving love to other people. And then I go back into that environment, and straightaway I'm like this again. It's like that frozen... And it's hard because I've been on the journey, doesn't mean you're ready for it-

Steven Bartlett 18:41 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 18:42 ...that I can try and bring it out of you, or I can... Baby steps, but, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 18:48 And I guess that environment is still a trigger. So you haven't, you haven't recovered in that environment.

Alex Scott 18:53 Yeah. You know, it was so, uh, for me, it's kind of happy, which is so interesting also, is my niece lives with us.

Steven Bartlett 18:59 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 18:59 We've had her since she was two, living in... some, with my mom and my brother at home in East End. She gets it all. And I see that through my mom, through my brother, for all the love that they didn't have or the hugs, they give it to her.

Steven Bartlett 19:14 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 19:14 Which is beautiful, like you said, but they still can't do it amongst themselves.

Steven Bartlett 19:17 (laughs) Yeah. No, it makes sense. The, the other, the other moment you, you talk about in the book is the day that, um, your mom told your dad to leave.

Alex Scott 19:26 Yeah. Yeah. She said she found it in her strength. My nan had recently passed away, um, sudden, and it was hard for my nan this story from my mom, um, 'cause she knew what was going on, even though it wasn't spoken about.

Steven Bartlett 19:41 Your nan knew what was going on?

Alex Scott 19:42 Yeah. Um, and then, yeah, soon as she passed away, sudden heart attack, my mom found her strength to say, "No. That's enough's enough." Um, and she finally told him that that was it. She said to me she was finding ways. She'd gone to someone, like a homeless shelter or something to see if she did run, would she be safe, and then would they be able to then collect us afterwards. So she was trying to find ways to leave the environment, but she then always couldn't because it came back to me and my brother. And then, yeah, that day she finally enough was enough. She said she just didn't care. She didn't care what would happen to her or whatever, but she knew that this couldn't go on anymore for the sake of me and my brother.

Steven Bartlett 20:27 Did she tell you what she said to him?

Alex Scott 20:29 No. I just remember getting the shout to come down the hallway, me and my brother (laughs) marching down, and then waiting for an order or something. And then him saying that we had to choose, that he was leaving and we had to choose there and then, right then, whether we live with mom or live with dad. And then me just looking at my brother like, "What?" And he's making us choose like right then. And I knew something had gone on 'cause mom's got her back to us, so obviously something had happened on her face or, because she couldn't look at us.

Steven Bartlett 21:07 It's a pretty disgusting situation to put children in, isn't it? To get them to pick a parent, because regardless of the... and you talk about this as well in your book, is regardless of the, the abuse you still love-

Alex Scott 21:17 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 21:18 ... both parents, right?

Alex Scott 21:19 Yeah. That's my dad. Like I say, like I see the like the smile or how he is, and I kinda feel just sad. Like even to this day when I'm thinking about him, I'm just like, you know, suppose he's just sad. I don't want anyone to feel sadness, you know? So I remember in that moment, like I was always, it's always my mom, I was always gonna pick my mom. But it's the thought that my dad would be lonely as well. Like how do I h- why do I have to choose, like?

Steven Bartlett 21:54 In that moment, would you have chosen for things to stay how they were?

Alex Scott 21:59 Hmm. No. No.

Steven Bartlett 22:03 So you would have chosen to just go with your mom?

Alex Scott 22:05 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 22:06 Would you? Yeah.

Alex Scott 22:06 Yeah. But it was just trying to process as a seven-year-old that my dad might feel lonely-

Steven Bartlett 22:12 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 22:12 ... and what happens to my dad. But no, I need to protect my mom, I need to be strong for my mom. I need to look after her.

Steven Bartlett 22:22 Hmm. And then your dad leaves?

Alex Scott 22:26 He's gone. Not just leaves, leaves with everything. Everything. Furniture, everything. Not that we even had a lot to take, (laughs) but it was still just, you know, you make do, you get by, but yeah, he took everything. Mom let him take everything too, because then he didn't have a hold over her anymore.

Steven Bartlett 22:46 Oh, yeah. And you stayed in the house?

Alex Scott 22:49 We stayed in the house. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 22:51 What was life like beyond that point?

Alex Scott 22:53 I think that's why I'm so lucky, Steven. I had football. I had that out. I had something to focus on, you know? So I'd escape into a different environment that gave me structure, where I think for my mom and my brother it was, it was a lot harder, you know? You're still processing my brother. And I suppose this is where it hurts my mom 'cause she puts a lot of blame on herself. We went from a controlled environment, which very much I was still in a controlled but a disciplined environment where football is very different. And then so my brother totally went the opposite way. For someone that had been controlled in, in that environment, he then had a freedom, but he didn't know what to do with that freedom. My mom didn't know what to do with it. So I think it was harder. It's been a lot harder for my brother.

Steven Bartlett 23:45 When you say it's been harder fo- for your brother, what's, what does that look like in reality?

Alex Scott 23:49 That I'd say even to this day, he doesn't know himself or what to do, his purpose, carrying guilt. You know, we talk about strength and stuff, it's, I know it's very different for men, him feeling that he should have been that protector maybe, you know? When he looks at his baby sister, I've managed to make a career or do something, and he looks at his life and what has he done?

Steven Bartlett 24:20 Do you have these conversations with him-

Alex Scott 24:22 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 24:22 ... as adults?

Alex Scott 24:22 No. We've, we, we can't. We've not had a conversation about anything. As a family, we can't sit down. We don't know how to. There's not been a conversation about anything.

Steven Bartlett 24:38 Are you close?

Alex Scott 24:39 Close in a different way. You know when you hear stories of brothers and sisters, and like, that love we have for each other is so strong, but in a different way. It's protect him from afar. We'll do anything for each other and be there, but it's not a pick up the phone, "How are you, Sis? What's happened? What's going on in your life?" But no matter what, you'll just always be there for each other.

Steven Bartlett 25:05 Why do you think that is? Why do you think there is such a distance?

Alex Scott 25:08 Because you don't know how to communicate. We don't know how to talk. When all of your life, from all those age, that age gap when my dad was in the house, we didn't learn anything. I've gone away from that, and taught and educated myself differently. But my mum and my brother still been in that.

Steven Bartlett 25:31 Hmm.

Alex Scott 25:33 I feel a bit guilty actually, 'cause I remember going to therapy, learning all of this, learning my behaviors, learning then to deal with my emotions and talk, and then we're like, "Great. Go and do this with my mum, my brother," you know? We'll start opening the conversation, but then actually it, it took my mom back to a place that's, that hurts her, you know? And, and I did that, because why? All because I was ready.

Steven Bartlett 26:00 You had, you had a conversation with her post-therapy-

Alex Scott 26:03 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 26:03 ... and it hurt her?

Alex Scott 26:05 Yeah. It's bringing up all the stuff that's still so raw that she's never dealt with. You just got on with life. It's what you do, right? Just put a plaster over it, you get on with stuff, the mentality. Get your head down, you get through things. But actually, you're not dealing with it, are you? It's still there. It's still raw.

Steven Bartlett 26:25 And it will show up.

Alex Scott 26:26 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 26:27 You know, rear its head in very ugly ways at times-

Alex Scott 26:30 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 26:30 ... if it's unaddressed. 'Cause it's still controlling you. It's just controlling you from like the back room-

Alex Scott 26:34 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 26:35 ... somewhere.

Alex Scott 26:36 That's what I almost think in terms of like domestic violence and what goes on. I think we deal with a lot of stuff till when the person has left the environment, right?

Steven Bartlett 26:44 Hmm.

Alex Scott 26:45 But then a lot of the work needs to start afterwards also, like those conversations actually dealing with those emotions, what next? Instead of like, "Oh, they've gone. I can get on with life." Actually, you can't, because it's still all there. It's inside.

Steven Bartlett 27:00 Were you ever jealous of other families?

Alex Scott 27:03 No.

Steven Bartlett 27:04 You weren't?

Alex Scott 27:04 Never jealous, no. Guys, I feel I'm lucky. I've had everything from my mom. I've had the love, the care, her doing everything she can, you know? So I've never looked at other families, and I feel lucky. I've been invited into families that have shown me love or taken me away and had that. But ultimately, for me, my mom is absolutely everything. She's done everything she can. I wouldn't be here, this person right now if it wasn't for everything that my mom has done for me in my life.

Steven Bartlett 27:36 Comparison can sometimes make us feel sad though, because it's, uh, what comparison does is it gives us these kind of false expectations of how our life is supposed to be going.

Alex Scott 27:44 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 27:44 So we look at another family, and we, "Oh, look at Christmas."

Alex Scott 27:46 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 27:46 They're all sat there, and they're all, or they're dancing around the table, and they've all got their little crowns on their head, and you know, and then we look at our lives and go, "Hmm," you know?

Alex Scott 27:56 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 27:56 "Maybe, I wish I had all my family here and we could, we could have these moments." You ever felt those kinds of things? I know I have. I spend, I spent quite a few Christmases on my own, even in the last-

Alex Scott 28:07 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 28:08 ... couple years. I think last year, I was alone on Christmas. People don't really know about that, but I was-

Alex Scott 28:12 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 28:12 ... but because my family's quite dysfunctional. So getting them all to be happy in the same place is not such a simple task.

Alex Scott 28:18 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 28:18 So sometimes it's just easier. I think I just flew to, uh, Portugal on Christmas last year.

Alex Scott 28:23 Do you know, it's so interesting you say that, because I find myself removing myself from those situations that I feel uncomfortable with. So same thing. Christmas, I wanna escape, because for me, it reminds me of sadness. So it's not comparing to other people's families and the happiness and everything. For me, it's, it reminds me of sadness. So then I'd rather remove myself, travel away, be away in my own thoughts than sit through it and see my mom's sadness, something that I can't change in her. It's like as if I'm still failing to make her happy in those moments, and that's hard for me. So it's never comparing to other families. It's just that I feel helpless in trying to help my mom. That hurts.

Steven Bartlett 29:15 Have you always seen that as your responsibility to cheer your mum up, to keep her happy? 'Cause you talked about-

Alex Scott 29:20 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 29:20 ... rushing home from school to try and protect her and, and now, now that you feel like you're failing her.

Alex Scott 29:25 Mm-hmm. I don't know if I've like ever thought about it as a responsibility. I don't know. I think it's just something that's me that I've always... I'm a helper. I, I wanna help people. I want them to be happy. I wanna do everything I can for someone to bring joy to them. I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause the upbringing, I didn't have much of that or something. I don't know. So I've, I don't know. I've not seen it as a responsibility, but I just, I want her to have a life that maybe she's missed, you know, and bring her that light back.

Steven Bartlett 29:59 In order to do that, she's gonna have to confront some of the things that bring the pain back as well though, right?

Alex Scott 30:05 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 30:05 So, uh, we see it so many times in our friends and, and people that, you know they've been through something.

Alex Scott 30:10 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 30:10 You know it's holding them back from living the fullest life they could live today. But in order to, to unlock that fullest life, they have to go back through some stuff-

Alex Scott 30:19 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 30:20 ... and bring it out into the open. And you see, I see it sometimes with my friends where-I know they don't wanna go back there.

Alex Scott 30:26 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 30:26 But if they don't, then they're gonna ... There's a risk that, in my view, and who's- who the fuck am I to tell them about their lives? But they're gonna end up missing out on the like, the fullness of life.

Alex Scott 30:35 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 30:35 So it's this battle. It's like, do you wanna keep on keeping on and just keep it in the back room and live a, live a, a less con- full life? Or do you wanna go back there and do the, do the hard work to try and unlock your ...

Alex Scott 30:47 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 30:47 And it's a battle and- (sighs)

Alex Scott 30:48 It's like a fear, yeah. Well, I s- what is it? Face the fear. See the fear and face it and do it anyway.

Steven Bartlett 30:54 Mm.

Alex Scott 30:54 Like, I'm of that mindset. Like, it might be scary but I'm still gonna do it, I'm still gonna give it a try.

Steven Bartlett 30:58 Mm.

Alex Scott 30:59 But then I suppose everyone doesn't have that mindset, do they? Like, in order to move forward or see into the future, you can't, if you're still driving looking in the rearview mirror-

Steven Bartlett 31:07 Mm.

Alex Scott 31:07 ... like not dealing with all the past stuff behind. And then so for me, I think I've got to a stage like, why am I talking about this in a book or, you know, it's been hard for all this, so I, I've hidden it.

Steven Bartlett 31:19 How long?

Alex Scott 31:20 Up till now. I've never spoken about my upbringing or what's gone on in my life until this book, until this moment.

Steven Bartlett 31:29 Why was now the right time?

Alex Scott 31:31 Because I think I'm ... I've learned a lot about myself. I'm older, I'm wiser and I'm ... don't want the heaviness of it anymore. You know? And I actually ultimately wrote it hoping that my mum, it frees my mum. You know? It's part me, but hoping that this finally frees my mum and she can move forward from it all, that I'm okay. You know? Ronnie's done okay for himself. You don't have to protect us anymore. Like, let us look after you. You're an amazing woman.

Steven Bartlett 32:07 When you write this book and your, you know, your mum knows that sh- you're gonna be sharing this with the world, what are those conversations like to ... I s- I guess at some point you might have had to read this book to her or tell-

Alex Scott 32:17 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 32:17 ... about the certain parts.

Alex Scott 32:19 She read it.

Steven Bartlett 32:20 Oh, she read it? Okay.

Alex Scott 32:20 Yeah. She, yeah. I'm being just a biased mum, but she loved it. Um, but she found it super interesting because once again, I've gone through a lot of stuff that I've not spoken to her about, that she didn't know about me, because once again I've always been trying to protect her. So when I've gone through stuff, my first thing is, "I can't tell my mum 'cause I don't want her to panic about me. You know, she already been through enough so I can look after myself." So her reading stuff, she's actually learned a lot about me, my emotions-

Steven Bartlett 32:54 Mm.

Alex Scott 32:54 ... how I deal with things that have come up. And then ultimately, like I said, that when she was going through all of that stuff with my dad, she didn't know what I was in the room doing, that I didn't sleep once because I'm listening just to make sure that I can hear her move in the morning.

Steven Bartlett 33:12 Heaviness.

Alex Scott 33:14 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 33:14 You used the word heaviness. You didn't want the heaviness anymore.

Alex Scott 33:17 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 33:19 What is, what is the, what was the heaviness?

Alex Scott 33:21 Carrying all of this. Not speaking about what went on. Hiding it every time I'm asked about my mum or my dad in interviews. 'Cause I think if you look back at everything that I've done, soon as this topic is brought up about my mum, I get emotional because straight away, someone doesn't know, s- talking about my mum and me saying, "Oh, she's amazing," straight away I'm picturing everything that went on, that why I think she's amazing, but I can't tell you that. You just hear me get emotional and then I change the subject. But like I said, I suppose through learning how to communicate better and understand my emotions, like I just wanna be free, like I wanna be light. I wanna move forward in my life not having any of it anymore. Like I'm at a stage in this point in my life where I'm ready to enjoy this stage, this next season. You know?

Steven Bartlett 34:21 You used the word earlier on, patterns. What was the symptoms of that heaviness? How did you d- how did you start to see it manifesting in your behavior?

Alex Scott 34:31 (exhales) Shutting off from life. Shutting off from dealing with emotions, pushing them down, not letting anyone in to help me when I need help. Not talking to anyone. Just, "I'm always okay. Just carry on. What's next? What happens next? Yeah, I can do that, I can do that." Doing everything for everyone else around me, but actually, I just need someone to do something for me. Being like, "Okay, you're offering help? I'm gonna say okay," instead of saying no to everything, 'cause I c- I can deal with everything. Which ultimately, that's where people talk about me and the trolling and, "You know, the trolls pushed me into therapy." No they didn't. You know, it was just that stage on top of every single other thing that I finally was like, "I need to talk to someone. This is all too heavy for me to deal with. Like, I'm in a dark place and I can either carry on in that dark place or actually I can do something about it."

Steven Bartlett 35:32 This is post your footballing career?

Alex Scott 35:34 Yeah. Went into broadcasting. It was a lot. A lot of events had happened in my life that I didn't even know until I wrote it down in a book, like a timeline and I'm like, "Shit, no wonder why I bloody ended up in therapy," 'cause I hadn't dealt with any of it. I just kept going. No, that's been a mentality and a trait. That's the pattern. "I'm okay. Alex is always okay." (page turns)

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Steven Bartlett 38:09 (page turns) One of the things we didn't talk much about yet is, um, which I think would be a surprise to a lot of people, is that you couldn't speak for-

Alex Scott 38:16 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 38:16 ... for many years growing up because of a speech impediment.

Alex Scott 38:20 Yeah. It's mad, that's why I say talking to you-

Steven Bartlett 38:22 It's crazy.

Alex Scott 38:22 ... like chatting away. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 38:23 Yeah. And then working in broadcasting. But when, you know, speech impediment is, is something. You know, you've gotten over the speech impediment and you went to, like, speech therapy, from what I understand, for a while?

Alex Scott 38:33 Yeah, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 38:34 The thing that's probably, you know, I assume would stay with you for life is how that makes you feel about yourself in a s- you know what I mean?

Alex Scott 38:40 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 38:40 Because it's, you know, you've, you've overco- overcome it, but the, the thoughts of, um, struggle or maybe, like, not fitting in socially or being a bit insecure about things can, can, can linger long after the, the solution's been found.

Alex Scott 38:54 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 38:55 When you look back in your adult years, has, did that impact your life?

Alex Scott 39:01 How other people viewed me, I didn't feel like my voice was important or I wouldn't be able to get one across what was going on in my head. It's mad. You say I'm over it, I'm not. Like, it's just I, I can hide it a lot better. Or I know that, okay, I have to reword things, or I memorize scripts, for instance, or I'm practicing 'em so when I get on camera, I know that word that's coming up, I can't say. I've practiced and practiced it, but then I go to say it and it still, it doesn't work because I just can't articulate where the words come from. Um, even earlier today, before I was having a juice and then I asked if there was... I can't even say the word, cinnamon or something, whatever the spice is. You know, uh, there's certain things I, I just can't say. But it's almost I found a habit of just laughing at myself before everyone else laughs at me, or then just not finding my voice, not speaking out because I'm scared that it w- won't come out the way that's... In my head I know, like, my brain works so fast. Like, I'm always thinking 10 steps ahead of everyone else, but I, I can't get it out.

Steven Bartlett 40:04 How, how bad was it for, for people that might not understand what it's like to have a speech impediment when you're younger?

Alex Scott 40:10 It helped because you go back to the environment (laughs) that I, I grew up in, it was actually then easier for it not to, because you're not spok-... don't speak until you're spoken to. So it's easier not to speak. So, which actually then, full circle, then my mum didn't detect it till later on because then I just wasn't speaking, because we was in that environment where I wasn't really playful or speaking out anyway. Um, so it's not until then and then having to re-correct it. But then I'm in en- an environment with someone who I'm sitting with and I can feel, like, the love or their caring for me. So then I think it's just a game, right? That I can feel something from you that you're invested in me, which is totally different to that what I'm feeling off my dad.

Steven Bartlett 40:54 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 40:54 So then you go back to those patterns. I feel like that's the pattern then I then craved with everyone. I then just want my first coach to see something in me. "I'll do everything for you. Just believe in me." Like, I wanna feel that from you. Relationships, the same thing. It's like I'm always seeking that from what I wanted from my dad, I suppose, in my childhood.

Steven Bartlett 41:18 Difficult to have relationships when the first model of love you've ever... you witnessed was-

Alex Scott 41:23 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 41:24 ... deeply, um, toxic.

Alex Scott 41:27 Yeah. That, the speech (laughs) impediment. So not knowing how to communicate or speak properly and scared of what I'm gonna s- what I'm trying to say doesn't come out right. So from the speech impede-, it's just easier not to speak a lot in my circumstances. That's how the speech impediment for me works, which go... is crazy because like you said-

Steven Bartlett 41:51 Do that for a living now. (laughs)

Alex Scott 41:52 Yeah. Yeah. (laughs) How does that work out?

Steven Bartlett 41:55 (laughs)

Alex Scott 41:56 Because you... 'cause the thing is, like, on TV, I suppose, I don't think about the millions of people watching me or that. For me, it's just always I'm so interested in the person sitting opposite me because I'm learning. You know, the area of East London that I grew up in, I didn't think I'd be surrounded by people that view the world or have seen something in a certain way. And I'm just... sometimes I'm not speaking. Like, how you...

Steven Bartlett 42:21 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 42:21 You ask a question and you're wanting me to speak. So the same thing, I can ask you something and you're telling me this amazing story and I'm just sitting there, even though I'm presenting, I'm just amazed 'cause I'm just like, wow.

Steven Bartlett 42:32 (laughs)

Alex Scott 42:32 I'm learning something here. So ultimately, yes, I do it for a living, but no, I'm just sitting there learning and only speaking sometimes really.Even though it's on TV. But like you said, in relationships, yeah. I know that pattern of not speaking or when something's tough, I would run away from it. Like if, just push it down, push the emotions down. The next day everything will be fine. I'll carry on like nothing ever happened. Which for my partner has always been the super hardest thing 'cause they wanna talk about it and get it out and all the feelings. But then I was always scared how those feelings, or if you got to that angry state, what would happen? Because I grew up seeing that in my dad. So, then I just want everything to be great, light, fine, everything's fine. Tomorrow everything will be great.

Steven Bartlett 43:21 But that's the thing in relationships, you've gotta battle it out-

Alex Scott 43:24 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 43:24 ... to resolve a problem. And if you don't, it ends up being deposited in the relationship as resentment or contempt, and it just stays there as an issue unaddressed.

Alex Scott 43:33 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 43:34 And then it'll pop up some, some other day.

Alex Scott 43:36 Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I think that's everything that happened to me up until I went to therapy is that it finally all needed to come out, everything. To deal with the emotions, the childhood, the speech impediment, hiding it all.

Steven Bartlett 43:54 I've come to learn that. I remember saying to my, one of my friends last week, I said, "I think, I think the single most important thing in any relationship, um, if it is to last, especially romantic relationships, is conflict resolution."

Alex Scott 44:04 Oh, yeah.

Steven Bartlett 44:04 Because, you know, uh, I see... I've said this before, but I see relationships as like, imagine two dots on a piece of paper and then the relationship begins and they become these lines moving as the relationship, you know, carries its course.

Alex Scott 44:17 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 44:18 And then there'll be things that start to make the lines deviate from each other and go a bit wide, but conflict resolution keeps the two people close. You know, if you know your partner, you don't like the way he eats that thing-

Alex Scott 44:28 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 44:29 ... you can talk about it. Dis- And that's a tr- trivial thing, but you can resolve things and keep yourselves close. When things go unresolved, it seems like these two parallel lines start to deviate and you move further apart. And then you're not having sex, but you, you don't know how to talk about it.

Alex Scott 44:41 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 44:41 So that just continues to deviate for... So conflict resolution seems to be the thing that is, um, keeps contentment out of a relationship, which Doctor, Professor John Gottman says is the number one killer of relationships, but it also keeps us close. If you're, if you're not a master in conflict resolution-

Alex Scott 44:57 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 44:57 ... it must be quite, you know, 'cause you, you want to avoid conflict entirely and that, or you don't know how to communicate in a way that's gonna help you to resolve the conflict. It must be difficult.

Alex Scott 45:08 I'd say difficult, but then I would just always find a way of, which then obviously is not right, which I've now figured out about myself. I would change things. I would stop doing things-

Steven Bartlett 45:19 Okay.

Alex Scott 45:19 ... to try and make my partner happy.

Steven Bartlett 45:21 Yeah.

Alex Scott 45:21 So I'm then changing myself. I'm not being my true authentic self, because yes, I'm avoiding the conflict and everything, but in, in doing so, I've stopped doing what I wanna do or what I like just to then always keep everything nice and happy.

Steven Bartlett 45:35 And then you'll resent.

Alex Scott 45:36 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 45:36 That's where the contempt shows up.

Alex Scott 45:38 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 45:38 'Cause you think, "Fuck, I'm t- not doing this for you."

Alex Scott 45:40 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 45:40 "And I'm not doing this."

Alex Scott 45:40 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 45:41 "And you ... ' Fuck off.'"

Alex Scott 45:42 But then I wouldn't even speak about that.

Steven Bartlett 45:43 Yeah. (laughs)

Alex Scott 45:43 Like that would be then, so I'd just sit there, silence. Like, "Why am I mad? Why? What's going on in my head? Like why am I feeling this? What's going on?" Yeah. Because I've changed and I'm doing everything-

Steven Bartlett 45:54 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 45:54 ... just to try and keep being happy.

Steven Bartlett 45:56 And you've solved that?

Alex Scott 45:58 I don't think you, you ever solve anything. You... I'm learning, you know. It's interesting. What did I hear the other day about, you know, we spend more time as people studying other people, what you wear, what you study, how you act, how you behave than actually spending time studying ourselves. And so I'd say over the last two and a half years or since going to therapy, I'm studying myself more. So those patterns, those learning how to communicate better or what I do, which will then help me in a relationship moving forward hopefully. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 46:36 When you look back at your football career-

Alex Scott 46:38 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 46:40 Big smile on your face. (laughs)

Alex Scott 46:41 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 46:42 Um, a really, really amazing career. Um,

Steven Bartlett 46:45 you're very much considered a legend in the game. Why do you think you were successful at football when you look back? What was it about you and your character that separated you from those, you know, thousands, hundreds of thousands of other people you were competing with to play for England or to play for Arsenal?

Alex Scott 47:04 I think it goes back to the cage, first of all. For me, football was just always an... It was a ha- escape and a happy place, and I was scared to always lose that. So I, actually, yeah. Even though like I went on, what, 140 caps for England and then there'd be people like, "Yeah, you are the first name on a team sheet. You're a favorite." I played every game for England kind of with that fear that it could be taken away. "This could be my last game. Like, what if I don't get picked next week? What, what am I gonna do?" Like, it's all I've ever known in my life. I know I wasn't the most talented. Like I wasn't. There was people that were supposed to be at the top and make it, they were the next best thing in women's football. No one ever spoke about me like that in terms of growing up in the Arsenal team. I was Al- I, I was Al that grew up in East London, you know, I loved Arsenal. That's how everyone viewed me, that I just loved the club, you know, because for me it was a home, but no one ever spoke that I was gonna make it. But I suppose that's where I just wanted people to believe in me, you know? So I was like, "I will do everything to prove to you, you know, I've got something. Just look at me. I've got something. I love this place." So I think it was driven by that really. A- and a feeling of not wanting to let people down, even though they didn't believe in me.

Steven Bartlett 48:25 How did that manifest in terms of your training and your, your performance and your preparation and your, dare I guess it, your obsession?

Alex Scott 48:33 (laughs) Trying to be the best that I can be every day.

Steven Bartlett 48:35 In every training session?

Alex Scott 48:36 In every training session. Like I've been given opportunity, how dare I turn up to training and not leave giving it my all or coming to train and being like, "I don't fancy it today." Like, I'm so lucky.... who have come from a council estate or concrete football pitch, and now get to walk into Highbury or be at the Arsenal Men's Training Ground. You know? It's like, "Who am I to be like, 'No, I don't fancy it today'?" Like, I just, I just loved what it was giving me in my life.

Steven Bartlett 49:07 It's funny, we often think of ... We ask motivated people, we say, "Oh, how do you stay motivated?"

Alex Scott 49:11 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 49:11 But when you, you look under the hood it tends to be a ... less of a choice than we think-

Alex Scott 49:16 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 49:16 ... in the sense that it's not like I'm waking up and going, "I'm gonna be motivated," looking in the mirror and going, "Come on, we've got this." It's more, it's more ... Sometimes, as you described it, like an escape from something else, like-

Alex Scott 49:26 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 49:26 And we don't think of, uh, motivation as escapism all the time, or insecurity, but it so often is.

Alex Scott 49:31 Yeah. I just knew what football was giving me in my life, something that, you know ... I had dreams but never dreamed that I'd be able to travel the world or ... You know, I remember in the youth age groups getting on a minibus to go down to Nottingham. You know, like, "Where is this place?"

Steven Bartlett 49:47 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 49:47 Didn't even know this place existed in the UK, you know? And here I am on a minibus, eating a sandwich or a packed lunch, you know? I've been out the house all day. It's like, "Great." I didn't wanna let go of that. Playing for England, oh, I got to go on an airplane, I got to go to China. "What? Oh my gosh, I didn't even know how many hours on a plane that was." You know?

Steven Bartlett 50:03 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 50:03 All those things were just feeding more ... I knew it was more than football, but football was allowing me that platform to see things and learn things about the world that I know was making me even more hungry to keep it. And to keep that, I needed to keep doing well at football.

Steven Bartlett 50:21 And you end up retiring-

Alex Scott 50:23 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 50:23 At what, 33, 34? You quit the international team at 33-

Alex Scott 50:26 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 50:26 ... quit Arsenal at

Steven Bartlett 50:27 34. If football was giving you all of ... all that you've described there, how did it feel to come to the end of your time with Arsenal and the England team?

Alex Scott 50:39 Because I was learning more. I was learning more about the world and from other people. And actually then I knew towards the end of my football career, it was giving me those feelings that I didn't want, the heaviness, and actually a feeling, "This is not enough for me anymore." Not a feeling of being trapped. Trapped is the wrong word. But there it was, it was heavy towards the end of my career. I was taking on a lot emotions, responsibility. I was captain, but in terms of ... I don't know, I've always been this person where it's people can offload all their emotions on me. So I'd do that, I'd take that home, I'd try and solve a lot of problems on and off the pitch, and I just, I wasn't happy anymore in my last couple of seasons. Well, I didn't know. I remember doing a documentary about mental health, and the doctor, um, Tania, uh, Tanya Byron is her name. She described it to me so well. I, I didn't know. I was like a functional depressive this whole time, and that started in those later years of my footballing career. But I didn't know. I didn't know how to describe it or what I was feeling. You know? I was just turning up, I wasn't happy, it was heavy, taking on everyone's emotions, management, players, trying to fix everything, and then I'd be home in the evening and be like, "Whoa, I don't wanna talk to anyone." Like, I physically couldn't talk to anyone, which are those patterns. Then I'd switch off from the world. If you try and phone me, call me, won't pick up. Mom, "Yeah, I'm okay." Don't wanna have a conversation, 'cause everything was just then heavy. No one in football knows that, because I could go to football, I'd put on a face. Like, "I'm Alex," like, "Yeah, everything's great." Leader, captain, great. But then I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I did a TV show, Bear Grylls, and that was the first time I knew I was ready to retire from football. I was surrounded by different people, different conversation about life, other than being in a football bubble where everything you're consumed by, e- you think that everything's just sport going on in the world. But I know I've always needed more. I know that's what's always been the spark in me about life. And it was the first time I started having conversations about the world, about other people's lives. I'd sit under the stars. It sounds like some Hollywood movie, but every night for survival we had, like, an, a stint that we had to keep the fire alight on Bear Grylls. And I remember just sitting there keeping the fire alight, looking up at the stars, and being like, "I'm ready for my next chapter." Like, "I know there's another chapter." And it was just being brave enough to then take it.

Steven Bartlett 53:18 And how did you know that that would be in media?

Alex Scott 53:22 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 53:23 Or did you not know?

Alex Scott 53:24 I didn't know, no.

Steven Bartlett 53:25 Okay.

Alex Scott 53:26 I think I was, I was always frustrated from being away of England or even in Boston that I'd see a teammate full of personality, life and soul, just this bubbliness about 'em, get asked a question or being interviewed straight after a game and go in themselves.

Steven Bartlett 53:46 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 53:46 And I'd be confused. I'd be like, "What are you doing? That's not you." Like, I d- I didn't understand. So I remember just randomly asking one of the camera guys like, "Oh, let me interview her after. Let me just ask some questions," and then straightaway doing that and then seeing a teammate relax. And then everyone's saying to me, "Alex, you know, you're natural." And I'm like, "What's being natural? I'm just asking some questions."

Steven Bartlett 54:05 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 54:05 Like, "I don't get it." Um, but you don't ... Same thing when people be like, "Ah, you sit in front of a camera and talk." Same, like, don't think about the millions. Maybe that's why I'm not sat there in that frozen state in fear looking at cameras. Because for me, the conversation is what feeds me.

Steven Bartlett 54:21 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 54:21 I like seeing people relax and be fun. Um, so I just started doing more of it. And then I was like, "Right." Scared about the next chapter after football, I was like, "What am I gonna do?" People were trying to push me into management and I was like, "It's not me. I don't have a passion to be a manager, not at this stage. I've not seen myself in that role." And I was like, "No, I need to do something that I love, that I get a passion and the energy from." And so that's why I did a media degree. I was like, "Right, if I'm gonna do this, I know that I'm gonna be judged." You know? And I don't like the feeling of anything just being given to you. So I'm like, "No, I'm gonna work for it."... just like I had to do my football career, I'll work for it. I'll do a media degree. So went and did that whilst I was still playing for Arsenal. And then yeah, decided that in 2018, I was ready. It, I felt ready. I had a two-year contract on the table from Arsenal to sign. That's n- the comfort zone, the comfort blanket that I could have easily taken that. I'm still trying to pay my mortgage. I suppose most of my life is that, the fear of not having money to pay my bills and the debt man knocking on the door. Like, I grew up seeing him come round every Thursday, you know that fear. But I was like, "No, I can't sign that contract. I know how unhappy I will be."

Steven Bartlett 55:40 Did you have an alternative at that point?

Alex Scott 55:42 No.

Steven Bartlett 55:42 Did you have a contract from...

Alex Scott 55:44 No.

Steven Bartlett 55:44 No?

Alex Scott 55:45 Nothing there.

Steven Bartlett 55:47 So what, what is that gap that, you know, I think about a monkey swinging through a, through a jungle. You've got to let go of the last branch-

Alex Scott 55:53 (laughs) Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 55:53 ... and just have faith that you're gonna grab the next one.

Alex Scott 55:55 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 55:56 What was that period like in your life where you don't sign the contract and then you're looking for your next thing?

Alex Scott 56:02 Because I suppose I've always had the fear or a lot of people, what if it doesn't work out? Well, actually, I suppose I've always been the opposite. What if it does work out?

Steven Bartlett 56:11 Hmm.

Alex Scott 56:12 I don't wanna be held back in fear of, no, just in case. So it was more like I knew the headspace that I was in, I couldn't sign that two-year contract. It'd be unfair. It'd be unfair to myself, it'd be unfair to my teammates because I'd just be turning up to collect, you know, my monthly salary at the end, which isn't a lot. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 56:33 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 56:33 Nothing like men or whatever, but it was enough to be secure and pay my mortgage monthly. But I knew I couldn't do it. It was unfair.

Steven Bartlett 56:42 When did your first broadcasting job emerge then after that?

Alex Scott 56:45 It's weird because I was doing random stuff for BBC, like appearing on a, like, women's football show or something. And it's when I announced my retirement, that's when it just went, "Whoo, okay." It's like I was free and then people were like, "Well, she's free to do more. She's got more hours in her day."

Steven Bartlett 57:01 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 57:01 "Like she can actually start doing some work." And then from BBC, yeah, they started offering me more. I was appearing on some of their flagship, flagship shows, Football Focus or kind of those ones. And then, yeah, I suppose 2018 for me was that year when, whoo, because then I went off to the World Cup, 2018, the first female pundit for the BBC. And I suppose from there, then it continued.

Steven Bartlett 57:26 You talk about coming home, um, one day through that period and this is the, the part where you start talking about this function, functional or functioning depression.

Alex Scott 57:34 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 57:35 And you talk about, um, looking at yourself in the mirror and then taking a, walking past it, taking a couple of steps back and looking at yourself in the mirror.

Alex Scott 57:41 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 57:41 Um, tell me about that day, that evening, what happened and you end up, like, collapsing and, you know, having a bit of a moment.

Alex Scott 57:51 Yeah. You know, I remember that like it was yesterday. Uh, yeah. I keep going back to the word heavy, I think, because that's, straight away, I, I feel it. I didn't know... Well, no, I did, that I was carrying a lot. I'd carried a lot through my football career, which I didn't really know. I was just doing it all, trying to solve everything. Straight away, I took that into my broadcasting career and like all these great things that, yes, I'm the first this, I'm the first that, I never set out to be that. I was just following something that I love, that I had a passion for. Um, and then so all the stuff and I suppose the pressure that came with that, I don't know, I wasn't putting it on myself, but the expectation for me, the expectation I was putting on myself was not to let anyone down. Like I'd been given a chance. Like I can't let my BBC boss down. Like I've got this person that's finally believing in me, he's given me an opportunity to go to a men's World Cup. Like this is big. Like so I was working so much, doing so much not to let anyone down. And then ultimately, on top of that, as you're becoming the first, as I'm the first female, all the negative stuff that come with that. All the trolling, all the online abuse, all of that. Like, it just got to a stage where I just, I couldn't take it anymore. Like, I'd been numbing everything, just carrying on. I can't show I'm weak. If I show I'm not strong, if I show my weakness, then they're gonna think I can't handle it. "Oh no, here she is. Look, a female can't handle it. It's too much for her." So all of this I'd just been bottling and just carrying on, putting on this face like everything's okay. And then that night was when it all got too much. I didn't wanna come home. I was drinking to switch off, to sleep, to numb it all, to forget about it. And I just got to a stage where I'd had a dad filled with drink, an uncle passed away who was an alcoholic. It's like drink problem and alcohol has been huge in my life. And here I was repeating those same patterns, drinking every night to switch off from the world. Drink-

Steven Bartlett 1:00:16 After, after work?

Alex Scott 1:00:17 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:17 So you'd be presenting on TV and then you'd come home and...

Alex Scott 1:00:20 Yeah. To switch off from it all, switch off from just life, switch off from not talking to someone. Don't wanna speak because then I'd have to speak about emotions and the heaviness continues, right? But if I don't speak about it, it's great. It's gonna go away, but actually it doesn't. Just gets bigger and bigger. And I think it was, we go back to how you felt about Christmas and New Year.

Steven Bartlett 1:00:47 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 1:00:47 It was that. I was on my own because it was my choice. Wanted to escape everything, the feelings, and then just being so sad. So sad. And I was like, "I can't continue like this."So I was at choice in that moment the next day to Google therapy. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:01:11 What happened that night?

Alex Scott 1:01:13 Just couldn't stop crying. Just could not stop crying. Drinking, then the drinking wasn't switching off what was going on in my head. Just numb. Just, I was literally on my bed, curled up, just uncontrollably crying and I don't know why. I don't know why I was crying the way I was. And why, why should I be crying? 'Cause from the outside, I shou- I'm okay. I've had an amazing football career. I'm now working on TV. I can still pay my bills. Like, why should I be sad from the outside world? Who am I to be sad? I've got everything going for me, right? Couldn't understand it.

Steven Bartlett 1:01:54 You understand it now?

Alex Scott 1:01:56 I understand, yeah. That for so, all my life, I'd locked up all these feelings that I didn't know. Like how you said, they eventually find its way out. But we've had all these, I've had all this trauma. Everyone has trauma, whether big, small, everyone goes through trauma and I suppose I'd put up all this protective walls around me, and then now they just flooded out. Like I needed help.

Steven Bartlett 1:02:28 How did the trolling-

Alex Scott 1:02:30 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:02:30 ... online exacerbate, make all of this stuff worse? And w- like, be honest with, you know, we all pretend it n- doesn't affect us.

Alex Scott 1:02:38 Oh, gosh.

Steven Bartlett 1:02:39 Yeah.

Alex Scott 1:02:39 Mm-hmm. No, that's so easy when people say, "Oh, don't read it. Forget about it." Like, but when constantly every day, and yeah, it's my job to sit in front of a camera, but the abuse of, you know, your skin color, what you're saying, just everything. The pure hatred. And I'm like, "What, what have I done," that was some of the, like, "What have I done?" Like, "Should I just stop?" 'Cause ultimately, I was talking about something that I love, you know? I was just someone that worked super hard to then try and go and get a degree to get into this world, to get another job, you know? To l- be able to pay my bills and look after myself. And here I am getting nothing but pure hate and abuse every single day. And then I got to the stage I'm like, "I can't do this anymore." But why? Like, who? Why should I let them win, you know? So I'm fighting this battle constantly every day with myself.

Steven Bartlett 1:03:45 Did that make it harder to like really love showing up at work every day?

Alex Scott 1:03:48 No. Do you know why? Because like the football cage, the actual work-

Steven Bartlett 1:03:52 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 1:03:52 ... being on screen was an escape. It gave me like an hour and a half where I'm doing Super Sunday.

Steven Bartlett 1:03:59 Hmm.

Alex Scott 1:04:00 That was an escape. I was act- you could forget about everything. It's straightaway when I'm going home once again, then I'm on my own, that's when it all spirals out of control. Like I can't take it. Functional depressive. Like at work, I'm totally fine. Put on the walls, like I'm doing the work, enjoying it, loving it, and then straightaway, then I can't take it. Hence why most probably I threw myself into more work. Didn't give myself time off. Work, work, work because I'm loving doing it. Keep it coming, keep it coming, yeah. I can take this.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:33 It's a distraction though, isn't it?

Alex Scott 1:04:34 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:34 It's a distraction from just sitting with oneself and-

Alex Scott 1:04:36 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:37 ... and, uh, confronting.

Alex Scott 1:04:39 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:39 I see this so much in so many people I know, this, "Oh, I'll just make myself so busy that I won't have to actually deal with stuff."

Alex Scott 1:04:46 Yep.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:46 It's almost like, it's almost like, um, I sat here with Maisie Williams and she, she'd been through a lot when she was younger in her, with her father. Maisie Williams from Game of Thrones, the, the actor.

Alex Scott 1:04:56 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:04:56 And, um, she talked about how acting was her escape. And the interesting thing is when, when we, in work, and in, I guess, in acting, we kinda get to disassociate from our, our, our true self-

Alex Scott 1:05:07 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:07 ... our identity. Like, we become this character. Like even me now.

Alex Scott 1:05:10 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:10 This is obviously not s- you know, I'm being as authentic as I can-

Alex Scott 1:05:13 (laughs) Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:13 ... but I'm also trying to be a fucking host of a podcast here, right?

Alex Scott 1:05:15 Mm-hmm. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:05:15 So like, when I go upstairs and I'm on my own, that's my truest self-

Alex Scott 1:05:18 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:18 ... obviously, when the cameras aren't on or whatever. Um, but it is, it's like this s- our work is our escapism. It's, we get to, we're playing, especially when you're a presenter, you are, you know, you're rec-

Alex Scott 1:05:27 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:27 ... high pitched and you're like, "Ah, bla-ha-bla."

Alex Scott 1:05:29 Uh-huh.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:30 So, um, I've j- it's funny how I've seen it a lot in some of my really close friends that work is their way of distracting themselves from their life.

Alex Scott 1:05:38 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:38 Just getting past today.

Alex Scott 1:05:39 But do you know what? Maybe for me, I suppose, maybe I didn't learn that part because actually what you see on screen is actually me.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:48 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 1:05:48 Like I didn't learn how to either be this presenter or be a different form of myself.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:53 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 1:05:53 So I've always given just, it's just me.

Steven Bartlett 1:05:56 But who's the person at home?

Alex Scott 1:05:58 Is the person that had dealt with all this trauma and done stuff but had, like I hadn't.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:04 That's what I'm saying. It's like, so on, on TV there's this expectation for you to be a certain way-

Alex Scott 1:06:08 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:08 ... right? Which is you've gotta be at least, you can't be sat there talking like this.

Alex Scott 1:06:11 Yeah. Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:12 You've gotta be a little bit up and you've gotta be more, a little bit more interested than maybe you, you might be feeling. But, but when you go home on that, that night in particular-

Alex Scott 1:06:19 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:20 ... that's probably actually you.

Alex Scott 1:06:22 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:23 'Cause there's no cam- there's no one watching. That's when there's no distraction. And I think that sometimes we are who we are when we're least distracted.

Alex Scott 1:06:31 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:32 When there's no phone, there's no nothing. Go put us in a jungle and sit there for an hour, you'll find out who you are. (laughs)

Alex Scott 1:06:36 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:38 So like, when you are, when you were alone-

Alex Scott 1:06:43 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:43 ... and when you are alone, and when there is no distraction, who are you now? Can I ask, are you in a relationship? 'Cause this is quite-

Alex Scott 1:06:53 No.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:54 You're not in a relationship? Okay.

Alex Scott 1:06:55 I said I'm dating. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:06:56 Okay. You're dating. Okay.

Alex Scott 1:06:57 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:06:57 You're, you're, you're dating.

Alex Scott 1:06:58 (laughs) Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:06:59 Trying to figure out the difference. (laughs)

Alex Scott 1:06:59 I didn't wanna put a label on it.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:01 (laughs)

Alex Scott 1:07:01 I was like... (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:07:01 Oh, here we go.

Alex Scott 1:07:02 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:07:02 Here's the trauma.

Alex Scott 1:07:03 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:07:03 (laughs) You don't wanna let, you don't wanna commit or fight.

Alex Scott 1:07:05 Yep. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:07:06 That's a toxic trait.

Alex Scott 1:07:07 Oh, my gosh.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:07 So y- you're dating. You're not in a relationship, but you're dating.

Alex Scott 1:07:11 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:12 Okay.So I'm just trying to figure out if you're going home alone. (laughs)

Alex Scott 1:07:15 (laughs) Yes.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:16 Um- (laughs)

Alex Scott 1:07:16 I say yes, I am.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:17 Okay.

Alex Scott 1:07:17 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:18 What are you like now when you, when you're in that space alone? And what's the journey been like of like being alone undistracted?

Alex Scott 1:07:25 I love it.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:26 Now?

Alex Scott 1:07:26 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:07:27 Have you always loved it?

Alex Scott 1:07:29 I know what those moments have given me and my life. But maybe because I was clouded by a lot of stuff going on, I was scared to be in those moments, where actually I think about the best moments that I feel now are my most quiet moments. So I have this special place in Portugal, and I always escape to it. Because why? I love nothing more than getting up in the morning and going on a hike in nature, and I feel like I'm alive. Like the thoughts that enter my brain about life, or what I wanna do or where I wanna go, like it fills me with so much energy. So I love those moments. I love going away. I go alo- um, away a lot on my own, and people can't get their head around it. "Are you going th- on vacation on your own?" I'm like, "Yeah." Because i- I need it. I know what it gives me.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:17 Hm.

Alex Scott 1:08:18 So like I would say those moments, I love. I need it to recharge and refocus sometimes.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:26 Were you ever the person that didn't want the party to end, or didn't want work to end?

Alex Scott 1:08:32 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:32 You were that person?

Alex Scott 1:08:33 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:34 I had a suspicion you might've been.

Alex Scott 1:08:35 (laughs) I suppose it's more my lever trait, those scales that I love this end, I love connection, I love people, the energy that it gives me, and then I also love the other side of it. I need to be alone sometimes-

Steven Bartlett 1:08:48 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 1:08:48 ... like not speak, not have the conversation, just literally be in my own thoughts.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:53 I say this because the friends that I've got closest to me-

Alex Scott 1:08:57 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:08:57 ... that struggle the most with unaddressed issues were always the ones that never... So say we're on a night out, a couple-

Alex Scott 1:09:04 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:04 ... of drinks, one or two, I'm like, "Ugh. I'm done," they would always want to continue.

Alex Scott 1:09:08 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:08 And it was, it was this b- interesting observation that you'd... And people listening will know this friend. They do not want people to go home.

Alex Scott 1:09:15 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:16 They do not want the... You know, they wanna have one more drink-

Alex Scott 1:09:19 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:19 ... and then they have... I think someone's referred to me before as like the fear either upon sobe- sobering up or having to go home alone at the end of the night.

Alex Scott 1:09:28 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:28 And I, and I sat here with a, with a guy that kind of explained that to me, but I was just curious if that was ever you at all.

Alex Scott 1:09:34 It's not the, that I want to... I love nothing more than seeing people have a good time.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:40 Hmm.

Alex Scott 1:09:41 That in those moments, I often forget that I need to have a good time.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:45 Okay.

Alex Scott 1:09:45 Like, I'm trying to make everyone have a good time. "Do you need a drink? I'm gonna go get you a drink. Let's go out for food. Let's do this." I'm planning your biggest thing.

Steven Bartlett 1:09:52 Hmm.

Alex Scott 1:09:52 And I've never planned anything to celebrate my own stuff, because that's what I love seeing in other people. So it's not a fear of like, "I want you to keep staying out or keep giving you a drink."

Steven Bartlett 1:10:01 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 1:10:01 It's just I'm loving seeing you have a great time.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:04 Having... Yeah.

Alex Scott 1:10:04 And that makes me so happy.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:06 Hmm. The trolling stuff.

Alex Scott 1:10:09 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:10 I... There's noth- there's nothing more toxic than football Twitter.

Alex Scott 1:10:14 (laughs) I know.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:14 It's just the sess- it's like a cesspool-

Alex Scott 1:10:16 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:10:16 ... of like negativity and anonymity, and everyone's display picture is some footballer from their favorite club-

Alex Scott 1:10:22 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:22 ... and they just say whatever. People will just say whatever.

Alex Scott 1:10:24 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:25 I've, I just don't post on Twitter anymore.

Alex Scott 1:10:27 Yeah. I, I'm kind of the same.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:29 Uh, what, what happens on my Twitter, if you look at it, it's just the podcast clip goes out, and that's it.

Alex Scott 1:10:33 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:34 'Cause you can't... Fuck it. (laughs)

Alex Scott 1:10:35 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:36 I don't wanna be baited into some shit.

Alex Scott 1:10:38 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:38 But in your job, it's, it's almost part of the job to be on Twitter, and to have a voice, and to be comment... Like, you know, I see it, see it with the pundits, like Gary and Jake Humphreys and all. They... It's al-

Alex Scott 1:10:48 Always.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:49 It's part of the-

Alex Scott 1:10:49 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:10:49 ... job to kind of...

Alex Scott 1:10:51 Mm-hmm. I would say it's part of the job for them or... But I would say to the extent that what I've gone through with it is maybe they haven't experienced that level. And I think I remember Jake Humphrey saying as well, like he hasn't or he couldn't believe the stuff that was coming my way.

Steven Bartlett 1:11:08 Hmm.

Alex Scott 1:11:09 And you wouldn't until you're going through it or actually see it. Like, and I suppose I, I hid it for so long. Like I tried to hide it for so long because I was scared of being seen as being weak, not strong enough to deal with it all.

Steven Bartlett 1:11:24 Did you have anxiety?

Alex Scott 1:11:26 Yes, of the fear of what might happen to me, to that extent. Like because the abuse then would turn into death threats also, to the fact is that I am going home alone. You know? What, what happens there? Like we've seen in the past of, you know, some presenters, what's happened, stalking, all of that stuff. So all of that anxiety goes through my head. Like I wanna just be safe. Like I'm just going to work.

Steven Bartlett 1:11:59 Did you have stalkers?

Alex Scott 1:12:00 Wouldn't say stalkers, no. But in terms of the death threats and everything-

Steven Bartlett 1:12:04 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 1:12:04 ... that's when... And then I suppose that's when I don't tell my mom, don't tell anyone. So actually then I'm dealing with all of this on my own.

Steven Bartlett 1:12:10 That's a lot.

Alex Scott 1:12:11 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:12:12 That day, so the day after the... You're crying on your bed. You don't know why you're crying.

Alex Scott 1:12:16 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:12:16 It's uncontrollable. And you, you said the next morning you googled "therapy."

Alex Scott 1:12:20 Therapy, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what? (laughs) I laugh because people, when people have spoken to therapy or have had conversations about it in the past, like straight away I would screw up my face and just be like, "Well, no one can tell me about myself. I know myself. Like what they gonna do? They don't know about my life." Like that would be the attitude for me for therapy, until that day where I googled it. One, I didn't even know what to look for. All this long list came up of all these different therapies. I'm like, "What do I need? I just need to talk to somebody." And then, yeah, then ended up googling some place that was close to where I live, went there, and it was everything that I thought therapy would be like, that feeling of someone sitting there and just saying yes and no to me. And I was like, I was like, "No. This is not gonna work for me." Like I'm that person, I need someone to be brutally honest with me. Like, just saying yes or no is not gonna, it's not what I need to hear.

Steven Bartlett 1:13:14 Were you scared when you, um, you went for that first therapy session? Like you've Googled a place close to you, don't, you don't, haven't had a recommendation.

Alex Scott 1:13:20 Walking up to some, knocking on someone's door. (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:13:22 Just, just walking up to a stranger and being like, "Are you ready?" (laughs)

Alex Scott 1:13:24 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's so uncomfortable. So uncomfortable.

Steven Bartlett 1:13:29 (sniffs)

Alex Scott 1:13:30 And then went home, the same thing. It's like, "This is not gonna work. Am I gonna stay in this dark place? Get out some wine, let's drink, let's numb it all." That, that experience didn't happen. But then actually then something in my brain was like, "No." And then something clicked that I'd heard about this place, Sporting Chance. "Actually, I need to reach out to them, see if these people can help me." And then straight away, within a day, someone had come back to me saying, "We've found this guy. Go and see him." And the moment, Stephen, I walked into the room with him, I knew he was the guy. He was the person.

Steven Bartlett 1:14:06 How did you know?

Alex Scott 1:14:08 How he spoke to me. It was no bullshit. His character. And do you know what I almost felt strange is that, I've had this relationship, strange relationship with men my whole life, but then I actually tend to gravitate back to that kind of form. Like, and here he was, this big man telling me, and making me see myself in a way, pushing me to see myself in a way that maybe I'd been scared to do before. And not allowing me to just be like, "Yeah, I don't, no, I don't wanna talk about that. No, yeah, that's okay." And just seeing me and knowing it's not okay.

Steven Bartlett 1:14:47 This was what? Two, three years ago almost?

Alex Scott 1:14:48 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:14:48 Two, two and a half, three years ago?

Alex Scott 1:14:49 Uh-huh. He made me start seeing that some of it isn't my responsibility. The guilt that I'm carrying my whole life, the heaviness, making me see it in all a different way, making me see myself and learn about myself in a different way. Why I've done things the way that I have, to understand the patterns, to understand my patterns when I need help. And that it's okay to ask for help. It's not weak. It's not a weakness. Even, we talk about like the heavy stuff, but even it's the nice stuff. Wanting someone to say, "No, I'm gonna pay for this," instead of me. Like I, I always, I'm the first to try and pay for everyone. 'Cause I just want everyone to be happy, you know? Like, "I've treated you to a meal." Like, "It's all good." Sometimes that awkward feeling, don't like it. Actually, no, just being like, "Okay, yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that you're gonna buy me dinner tonight." You know, it's okay. Learning that.

Steven Bartlett 1:15:46 Why was that a struggle?

Alex Scott 1:15:49 'Cause you're just kind of, it's just, why not just hate awkwardness? Or, like, now I found myself that I can pay my bills and have, you know, earned some more that I can take care of people also. So I'm trying to take care of you, where actually I'm not earning that money when we're talking about men's football or women's football. Even in TV now, like, I'm earning a salary. So actually, what am I doing? I'm trying to pay for everyone. Like, I'm not actually, I'm not made of money.

Steven Bartlett 1:16:19 Mm-hmm.

Alex Scott 1:16:20 But it's just that feeling that I can, like, I can treat you like it's good.

Steven Bartlett 1:16:24 Hmm. I guess if you spend your life like trying to help everybody else and make everyone else happy-

Alex Scott 1:16:28 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:16:28 ... it's coming at the cost of something. Coming at the cost of your own happiness often.

Alex Scott 1:16:31 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:16:31 And, and that is difficult.

Alex Scott 1:16:34 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:16:35 You're what, you're two and a half, two and a half years on now. When you, when you reflect back on, you know, that- that- that, the person you were at 18 years old.

Alex Scott 1:16:44 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:16:47 Or in your early, you know, years go, you know, playing for Arsenal in England. If you could go back and just have a chat with her, and she would believe every word you said-

Alex Scott 1:16:59 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:17:00 ... what would you say to her?

Alex Scott 1:17:03 That you're gonna be all right. That you're gonna be okay. But (laughs) at the same time, I almost wouldn't change any of it. Because I feel like I've been through, or, so much that has taught me so much, and I'm so grateful for the lessons. So ultimately, I'd tell her that she's gonna be okay, but you're gonna go through some stuff. But it's gonna make you even stronger, but in a different way.

Steven Bartlett 1:17:54 Why would she need to hear those words about, "You're gonna be all right"? 'Cause those aren't the words that most people would say to their younger self. Why would, why would young 18-year-old Alex need to hear those words?

Alex Scott 1:18:07 Because I suppose it was always just a feeling of fear and worry. So even though things might be going okay in your football career, or, you know, you finally earned some money to pay for something, there's always just, you're living in a worry all the time. So it's able, instead of just rushing onto the next or thinking, "What next?", be more present in that moment. You're gonna be okay. So just take it in. I think there's a lot I've not taken in.

Steven Bartlett 1:18:44 Yeah. How do you feel about your, your career in terms of what you've achieved? Everyone looking at you must think-

Alex Scott 1:18:50 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:18:50 "... Alex is a unbelievable success."

Alex Scott 1:18:52 (laughs)

Steven Bartlett 1:18:52 "She's-"

Alex Scott 1:18:53 Yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:18:53 "... smashed everything. She must be just over the moon."

Alex Scott 1:18:57 (laughs) Yeah. I, I find it hard. I suppose a lot of people do, right? To hear the good stuff. Like, yeah. Like, I've, I've done all right. Like, from one career, made it into this career. But I s- I suppose I'm scared to always just sit there, because it can be taken away. It can end.So I'm always thinking, "No, I need to be better. My next show, I need to study my lines. I can't mess up. I need to be better." So there's always that of I'm letting someone down. So I don't think I've ever sat and taken it all in, what, what have I done? That I've... Great. Like I've managed to play for England and now, what? I sit on TV and have a conversation. I suppose that I don't take it in. When people now come up to me in the street, I, I understand more I would say. I didn't understand before but now I'm starting to understand.

Steven Bartlett 1:19:58 Do you feel like you're a success?

Alex Scott 1:19:59 It depends. How do you define success? What does success look like?

Steven Bartlett 1:20:02 You get to define it. That's the great thing. Are you a success in your own eyes?

Alex Scott 1:20:08 Yes. Not 'cause of my work or that stuff. Goes back to your question, that you know what? I'm d- I've done okay. From the kid on that council estate that only had the concrete football cage, like, you've managed to do something when a lot of people, kids from those areas, they have an expectation that you're not amount... not supposed to amount to much. So in my eyes, I've been a success for those reasons.

Steven Bartlett 1:20:44 Are you happy?

Alex Scott 1:20:46 Yeah. Yeah. I'm still learning to be more happy, to be honest. I feel... I've always been kind of happy-go-lucky person. Like I feed off positivity, wanna hear the good things. It's, you know, if you've got an energy that's around you, like it dr- it drains me. I'm that sort of person. So I kind of navigate to the people that see life in a certain way and wanna have certain conversations. And I'm starting to, yeah, look at that and be more happy. Be... Have... Celebrate something. Not big milestones. Maybe just little things. You know, it doesn't always have to be the big things, but taking those moments, and... yeah.

Steven Bartlett 1:21:28 If, if your happiness was this list of ingredients, and you looked at it and thought, "Well, maybe there's one ingredient missing for me to... for the recipe to be perfectly balanced," what would that ingredient be?

Alex Scott 1:21:39 I would say it's finally accepting love. I think I've always been scared. But like I said, like I've been on a journey, not been in relationships for a while. For that reason, I knew that I had to do some... a lot of work on myself. Like I've had people come into my life that wanna show me love, that wanna give it, but I've always had those walls up. No. Where I think finally now I'm at a stage where I'm ready to let that in, and I think that's something that's been missing from my life.

Steven Bartlett 1:22:13 And what do you want for the... from the next chapter of your life? What is the... You know, as you look forward and 10 years from now we say, "Oh God, that was a successful chapter."

Alex Scott 1:22:22 Mm-hmm.

Steven Bartlett 1:22:22 What happened?

Alex Scott 1:22:24 To be out... To be more present in the moment.

Steven Bartlett 1:22:27 Hmm.

Alex Scott 1:22:27 Really is. Like it's weird because I don't ever look like five years or 10 years. People... In terms of like my next job or anything, people are like, "Well, what show do you wanna be presenting in five years?" I think I've always been... I'm, I'm quite spiritual but I've never... Like I might have these small goals, but I'm also open to that actually I might go right a bit and it might... I might learn some lessons here to push me in that. Or open to that you might have an idea of that's my presenting goal, I need to be on that show. But actually, because I'm on this path, it might take me a totally different