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The Diary of a CEOThe Diary of a CEO

Alex Scott: I’ve Never Told The FULL Truth About My Past | E182

Alex Scott is a television personality and former professional football player. With 140 England caps, she’s one of the best players this country has ever produced. Topics: 0:00 Intro 01:57 Early years 26:00 Dealing with trauma & misfortune 38:09 Your Speech Impediment 46:45 Your football Career 50:27 End of your football career 57:25 Depression 01:06:38 Being along is a positive thing 01:12:10 Therapy 01:18:43 Looking back now what do you think? 01:22:13 What do you want from the future? 01:29:24 Relationship with your father now 01:36:37 A letter to your mother 01:39:12 The last guest question Alex: https://www.instagram.com/alexscott2/ https://twitter.com/alexscott Alex's book: https://amzn.to/3dPryIj Listen on: Apple podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-by-steven-bartlett/id1291423644 Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/7iQXmUT7XGuZSzAMjoNWlX FOLLOW ► Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/steven/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/SteveBartlettSC Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steven-bartlett-56986834/ Sponsors: BlueJeans - https://g2ul0.app.link/NCgpGjVNKsb Huel - https://g2ul0.app.link/G4RjcdKNKsb

Alex ScottguestSteven Bartletthost
Sep 29, 20221h 42mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 1:57

    Intro

    1. AS

      I'm in a room, listening to everything go on and just hoping she's alive. That was the hardest night of that one. (screaming)

    2. SB

      Alex Scott! (cheering)

    3. AS

      140 caps, three World Cups, four European championships, and 12 international goals. Alex Scott. (cheering) Football was allowing me that platform to see things, learn things about the world that I know was making me even more hungry. And to keep that, I needed to keep doing my little football. (footsteps)

    4. SB

      You couldn't speak growing up because of a speech impediment. How did that impact your life?

    5. AS

      There's certain things I- I just can't say, but it's almost I found a habit of just laughing at myself before everyone else laughs at me. Here I am getting nothing but pure hate, (gun shots) death threats and abuse. And then I got sad. I'm like, "I can't do this anymore." My dad had this dark side. So my protection was to try and love my dad all I can, and all those darkness and the demons will go.

    6. SB

      Did that work?

    7. AS

      (exhales) I've done this book to free my mum. On the other hand, I'm scared that it could ruin my dad's life. (screaming)

    8. SB

      (dramatic music) Before this conversation starts, I've got a favor to ask from you. 74% of people that watch this podcast frequently haven't yet hit the subscribe button, and 9% of people haven't yet hit the bell to turn notifications on. The bigger this platform gets, the bigger the guests get. So if you could do me one favor, if you've ever enjoyed this podcast, please hit the subscribe button and turn notifications on. Without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett, and this is the Diary of a CEO. I hope nobody's listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself. (upbeat music)

  2. 1:57 – 26:00

    Early years

    1. SB

      Alex, we sit here in East London today.

    2. AS

      Yeah.

    3. SB

      And your story starts in East London as well. Take me right back to, to East London when you grew up in some... When was that? 1980-something?

    4. AS

      '84.

    5. SB

      '84?

    6. AS

      Yeah.

    7. SB

      Take me back.

    8. AS

      Well, instantly, even when you say East London, I'm smiling, because I have so many happy memories, and the feeling that it gave me, a sense of community, everyone looking after you, even though it's surrounded by struggle and hardship, it makes me smile. East London, instantly, I can go to playing in the football cage because that football cage was a freedom. For me, it was an out, it was an escape. It allowed me... That football cage allowed me to start dreaming of a world that, I don't know, that I never thought that I'd be able to see or imagine. But in that space, it gave me that.

    9. SB

      When was the first time you watched a football match? How did football come into your life?

    10. AS

      (exhales) I don't actually even remember sitting down to watch a football game on TV 'cause both my mom- mom and dad, they weren't athletes. So it's not a thing that we'd sit down and watch a football match. But in that area that I grew up in, that football cage was everything. It was the community. It was where people came together.

    11. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    12. AS

      And I think that's how I got into football and that's what I liked. It gave me that connection to other people.

    13. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    14. AS

      So for me, it wasn't dreaming that, you know, I wanted to play football, be a professional footballer. That wasn't it at all. It was a sense of a safe space in that football cage and feeling at one with everyone else in the neighborhood.

    15. SB

      Escapism, a safe space.

    16. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    17. SB

      Why was it a safe space?

    18. AS

      A f- a safe space... from a home environment. The football cage was fun. I could smile. You felt free. And in home... it was like I was locked in. It was an environment where it was very much controlled.

    19. SB

      Controlled by your father?

    20. AS

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

    21. SB

      Tell me about your mother and father.

    22. AS

      My mom? (laughs) A woman that is an incredible person, full of love, full of softness, and just a light around her that wants to do everything for everyone before herself, doesn't even think about herself. No, doesn't even see the person that she is, because ultimately that was taken away from her. My dad, you know, I see the love in my dad. I wanted to love my dad so much. I was a daddy's little girl. But he had this dark side, and that's the side that we saw a lot of growing up.

    23. SB

      When was the first time you, you recall seeing your father's dark side?

    24. AS

      (exhales) I can't put an age to it, to be honest, but it was there, f- mostly what I can always remember, that you saw this loving side. And I, I always say the drink, but obviously the drink helps it come out a lot more. But I ju- you could see him turn, like his thoughts or what he was going through in his mind, that's how he took it out on, I'd say, all of us, more so my mom. But yeah. It was just, for me, it was just sad because I could see this good in my dad that was there, when he smiled, when he was listening to music, and that's the side I just always wanted to see and was begging to, to stay there, but it wasn't.

    25. SB

      In that home was you, your brother, and your mum?

    26. AS

      Yeah. Mm-hmm.

    27. SB

      These memories, w- what, how old were you when you started having these memories about this other side of your father?

    28. AS

      (exhales sharply) Well, he left when I was seven. So from the moment... (exhales sharply) From a baby, from two, three, I could see and f- feel, you can feel it, the environment that we're in, that you're not allowed to do something. 'Cause if you do step out of line, you know what's gonna happen and you don't want that to happen.

    29. SB

      What's gonna happen?

    30. AS

      (exhales sharply) What my mum would go through. The terror. The helplessness that you can't do anything. Just... Yeah. So it's living in fear. You're living in fear every single moment. Hence, why then the football cage becomes your escape, for me.

  3. 26:00 – 38:09

    Dealing with trauma & misfortune

    1. SB

      You had, you had a conversation with her post-therapy-

    2. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. SB

      ... and it hurt her?

    4. AS

      Yeah. It's bringing up all the stuff that's still so raw that she's never dealt with. You just got on with life. It's what you do, right? Just put a plaster over it, you get on with stuff, the mentality. Get your head down, you get through things. But actually, you're not dealing with it, are you? It's still there. It's still raw.

    5. SB

      And it will show up.

    6. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    7. SB

      You know, rear its head in very ugly ways at times-

    8. AS

      Yeah.

    9. SB

      ... if it's unaddressed. 'Cause it's still controlling you. It's just controlling you from like the back room-

    10. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    11. SB

      ... somewhere.

    12. AS

      That's what I almost think in terms of like domestic violence and what goes on. I think we deal with a lot of stuff till when the person has left the environment, right?

    13. SB

      Hmm.

    14. AS

      But then a lot of the work needs to start afterwards also, like those conversations actually dealing with those emotions, what next? Instead of like, "Oh, they've gone. I can get on with life." Actually, you can't, because it's still all there. It's inside.

    15. SB

      Were you ever jealous of other families?

    16. AS

      No.

    17. SB

      You weren't?

    18. AS

      Never jealous, no. Guys, I feel I'm lucky. I've had everything from my mom. I've had the love, the care, her doing everything she can, you know? So I've never looked at other families, and I feel lucky. I've been invited into families that have shown me love or taken me away and had that. But ultimately, for me, my mom is absolutely everything. She's done everything she can. I wouldn't be here, this person right now if it wasn't for everything that my mom has done for me in my life.

    19. SB

      Comparison can sometimes make us feel sad though, because it's, uh, what comparison does is it gives us these kind of false expectations of how our life is supposed to be going.

    20. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    21. SB

      So we look at another family, and we, "Oh, look at Christmas."

    22. AS

      (laughs)

    23. SB

      They're all sat there, and they're all, or they're dancing around the table, and they've all got their little crowns on their head, and you know, and then we look at our lives and go, "Hmm," you know?

    24. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    25. SB

      "Maybe, I wish I had all my family here and we could, we could have these moments." You ever felt those kinds of things? I know I have. I spend, I spent quite a few Christmases on my own, even in the last-

    26. AS

      Yeah.

    27. SB

      ... couple years. I think last year, I was alone on Christmas. People don't really know about that, but I was-

    28. AS

      Yeah.

    29. SB

      ... but because my family's quite dysfunctional. So getting them all to be happy in the same place is not such a simple task.

    30. AS

      Yeah.

  4. 38:09 – 46:45

    Your Speech Impediment

    1. SB

      (page turns) One of the things we didn't talk much about yet is, um, which I think would be a surprise to a lot of people, is that you couldn't speak for-

    2. AS

      Yeah.

    3. SB

      ... for many years growing up because of a speech impediment.

    4. AS

      Yeah. It's mad, that's why I say talking to you-

    5. SB

      It's crazy.

    6. AS

      ... like chatting away. (laughs)

    7. SB

      Yeah. And then working in broadcasting. But when, you know, speech impediment is, is something. You know, you've gotten over the speech impediment and you went to, like, speech therapy, from what I understand, for a while?

    8. AS

      Yeah, yeah.

    9. SB

      The thing that's probably, you know, I assume would stay with you for life is how that makes you feel about yourself in a s- you know what I mean?

    10. AS

      Yeah.

    11. SB

      Because it's, you know, you've, you've overco- overcome it, but the, the thoughts of, um, struggle or maybe, like, not fitting in socially or being a bit insecure about things can, can, can linger long after the, the solution's been found.

    12. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SB

      When you look back in your adult years, has, did that impact your life?

    14. AS

      How other people viewed me, I didn't feel like my voice was important or I wouldn't be able to get one across what was going on in my head. It's mad. You say I'm over it, I'm not. Like, it's just I, I can hide it a lot better. Or I know that, okay, I have to reword things, or I memorize scripts, for instance, or I'm practicing 'em so when I get on camera, I know that word that's coming up, I can't say. I've practiced and practiced it, but then I go to say it and it still, it doesn't work because I just can't articulate where the words come from. Um, even earlier today, before I was having a juice and then I asked if there was... I can't even say the word, cinnamon or something, whatever the spice is. You know, uh, there's certain things I, I just can't say. But it's almost I found a habit of just laughing at myself before everyone else laughs at me, or then just not finding my voice, not speaking out because I'm scared that it w- won't come out the way that's... In my head I know, like, my brain works so fast. Like, I'm always thinking 10 steps ahead of everyone else, but I, I can't get it out.

    15. SB

      How, how bad was it for, for people that might not understand what it's like to have a speech impediment when you're younger?

    16. AS

      It helped because you go back to the environment (laughs) that I, I grew up in, it was actually then easier for it not to, because you're not spok-... don't speak until you're spoken to. So it's easier not to speak. So, which actually then, full circle, then my mum didn't detect it till later on because then I just wasn't speaking, because we was in that environment where I wasn't really playful or speaking out anyway. Um, so it's not until then and then having to re-correct it. But then I'm in en- an environment with someone who I'm sitting with and I can feel, like, the love or their caring for me. So then I think it's just a game, right? That I can feel something from you that you're invested in me, which is totally different to that what I'm feeling off my dad.

    17. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    18. AS

      So then you go back to those patterns. I feel like that's the pattern then I then craved with everyone. I then just want my first coach to see something in me. "I'll do everything for you. Just believe in me." Like, I wanna feel that from you. Relationships, the same thing. It's like I'm always seeking that from what I wanted from my dad, I suppose, in my childhood.

    19. SB

      Difficult to have relationships when the first model of love you've ever... you witnessed was-

    20. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    21. SB

      ... deeply, um, toxic.

    22. AS

      Yeah. That, the speech (laughs) impediment. So not knowing how to communicate or speak properly and scared of what I'm gonna s- what I'm trying to say doesn't come out right. So from the speech impede-, it's just easier not to speak a lot in my circumstances. That's how the speech impediment for me works, which go... is crazy because like you said-

    23. SB

      Do that for a living now. (laughs)

    24. AS

      Yeah. Yeah. (laughs) How does that work out?

    25. SB

      (laughs)

    26. AS

      Because you... 'cause the thing is, like, on TV, I suppose, I don't think about the millions of people watching me or that. For me, it's just always I'm so interested in the person sitting opposite me because I'm learning. You know, the area of East London that I grew up in, I didn't think I'd be surrounded by people that view the world or have seen something in a certain way. And I'm just... sometimes I'm not speaking. Like, how you...

    27. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    28. AS

      You ask a question and you're wanting me to speak. So the same thing, I can ask you something and you're telling me this amazing story and I'm just sitting there, even though I'm presenting, I'm just amazed 'cause I'm just like, wow.

    29. SB

      (laughs)

    30. AS

      I'm learning something here. So ultimately, yes, I do it for a living, but no, I'm just sitting there learning and only speaking sometimes really.Even though it's on TV. But like you said, in relationships, yeah. I know that pattern of not speaking or when something's tough, I would run away from it. Like if, just push it down, push the emotions down. The next day everything will be fine. I'll carry on like nothing ever happened. Which for my partner has always been the super hardest thing 'cause they wanna talk about it and get it out and all the feelings. But then I was always scared how those feelings, or if you got to that angry state, what would happen? Because I grew up seeing that in my dad. So, then I just want everything to be great, light, fine, everything's fine. Tomorrow everything will be great.

  5. 46:45 – 50:27

    Your football Career

    1. SB

      you're very much considered a legend in the game. Why do you think you were successful at football when you look back? What was it about you and your character that separated you from those, you know, thousands, hundreds of thousands of other people you were competing with to play for England or to play for Arsenal?

    2. AS

      I think it goes back to the cage, first of all. For me, football was just always an... It was a ha- escape and a happy place, and I was scared to always lose that. So I, actually, yeah. Even though like I went on, what, 140 caps for England and then there'd be people like, "Yeah, you are the first name on a team sheet. You're a favorite." I played every game for England kind of with that fear that it could be taken away. "This could be my last game. Like, what if I don't get picked next week? What, what am I gonna do?" Like, it's all I've ever known in my life. I know I wasn't the most talented. Like I wasn't. There was people that were supposed to be at the top and make it, they were the next best thing in women's football. No one ever spoke about me like that in terms of growing up in the Arsenal team. I was Al- I, I was Al that grew up in East London, you know, I loved Arsenal. That's how everyone viewed me, that I just loved the club, you know, because for me it was a home, but no one ever spoke that I was gonna make it. But I suppose that's where I just wanted people to believe in me, you know? So I was like, "I will do everything to prove to you, you know, I've got something. Just look at me. I've got something. I love this place." So I think it was driven by that really. A- and a feeling of not wanting to let people down, even though they didn't believe in me.

    3. SB

      How did that manifest in terms of your training and your, your performance and your preparation and your, dare I guess it, your obsession?

    4. AS

      (laughs) Trying to be the best that I can be every day.

    5. SB

      In every training session?

    6. AS

      In every training session. Like I've been given opportunity, how dare I turn up to training and not leave giving it my all or coming to train and being like, "I don't fancy it today." Like, I'm so lucky.... who have come from a council estate or concrete football pitch, and now get to walk into Highbury or be at the Arsenal Men's Training Ground. You know? It's like, "Who am I to be like, 'No, I don't fancy it today'?" Like, I just, I just loved what it was giving me in my life.

    7. SB

      It's funny, we often think of ... We ask motivated people, we say, "Oh, how do you stay motivated?"

    8. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    9. SB

      But when you, you look under the hood it tends to be a ... less of a choice than we think-

    10. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    11. SB

      ... in the sense that it's not like I'm waking up and going, "I'm gonna be motivated," looking in the mirror and going, "Come on, we've got this." It's more, it's more ... Sometimes, as you described it, like an escape from something else, like-

    12. AS

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

    13. SB

      And we don't think of, uh, motivation as escapism all the time, or insecurity, but it so often is.

    14. AS

      Yeah. I just knew what football was giving me in my life, something that, you know ... I had dreams but never dreamed that I'd be able to travel the world or ... You know, I remember in the youth age groups getting on a minibus to go down to Nottingham. You know, like, "Where is this place?"

    15. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    16. AS

      Didn't even know this place existed in the UK, you know? And here I am on a minibus, eating a sandwich or a packed lunch, you know? I've been out the house all day. It's like, "Great." I didn't wanna let go of that. Playing for England, oh, I got to go on an airplane, I got to go to China. "What? Oh my gosh, I didn't even know how many hours on a plane that was." You know?

    17. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    18. AS

      All those things were just feeding more ... I knew it was more than football, but football was allowing me that platform to see things and learn things about the world that I know was making me even more hungry to keep it. And to keep that, I needed to keep doing well at football.

    19. SB

      And you end up retiring-

    20. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    21. SB

      At what, 33, 34? You quit the international team at 33-

    22. AS

      Yeah.

    23. SB

      ... quit Arsenal at

  6. 50:27 – 57:25

    End of your football career

    1. SB

      34. If football was giving you all of ... all that you've described there, how did it feel to come to the end of your time with Arsenal and the England team?

    2. AS

      Because I was learning more. I was learning more about the world and from other people. And actually then I knew towards the end of my football career, it was giving me those feelings that I didn't want, the heaviness, and actually a feeling, "This is not enough for me anymore." Not a feeling of being trapped. Trapped is the wrong word. But there it was, it was heavy towards the end of my career. I was taking on a lot emotions, responsibility. I was captain, but in terms of ... I don't know, I've always been this person where it's people can offload all their emotions on me. So I'd do that, I'd take that home, I'd try and solve a lot of problems on and off the pitch, and I just, I wasn't happy anymore in my last couple of seasons. Well, I didn't know. I remember doing a documentary about mental health, and the doctor, um, Tania, uh, Tanya Byron is her name. She described it to me so well. I, I didn't know. I was like a functional depressive this whole time, and that started in those later years of my footballing career. But I didn't know. I didn't know how to describe it or what I was feeling. You know? I was just turning up, I wasn't happy, it was heavy, taking on everyone's emotions, management, players, trying to fix everything, and then I'd be home in the evening and be like, "Whoa, I don't wanna talk to anyone." Like, I physically couldn't talk to anyone, which are those patterns. Then I'd switch off from the world. If you try and phone me, call me, won't pick up. Mom, "Yeah, I'm okay." Don't wanna have a conversation, 'cause everything was just then heavy. No one in football knows that, because I could go to football, I'd put on a face. Like, "I'm Alex," like, "Yeah, everything's great." Leader, captain, great. But then I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I did a TV show, Bear Grylls, and that was the first time I knew I was ready to retire from football. I was surrounded by different people, different conversation about life, other than being in a football bubble where everything you're consumed by, e- you think that everything's just sport going on in the world. But I know I've always needed more. I know that's what's always been the spark in me about life. And it was the first time I started having conversations about the world, about other people's lives. I'd sit under the stars. It sounds like some Hollywood movie, but every night for survival we had, like, an, a stint that we had to keep the fire alight on Bear Grylls. And I remember just sitting there keeping the fire alight, looking up at the stars, and being like, "I'm ready for my next chapter." Like, "I know there's another chapter." And it was just being brave enough to then take it.

    3. SB

      And how did you know that that would be in media?

    4. AS

      (laughs)

    5. SB

      Or did you not know?

    6. AS

      I didn't know, no.

    7. SB

      Okay.

    8. AS

      I think I was, I was always frustrated from being away of England or even in Boston that I'd see a teammate full of personality, life and soul, just this bubbliness about 'em, get asked a question or being interviewed straight after a game and go in themselves.

    9. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    10. AS

      And I'd be confused. I'd be like, "What are you doing? That's not you." Like, I d- I didn't understand. So I remember just randomly asking one of the camera guys like, "Oh, let me interview her after. Let me just ask some questions," and then straightaway doing that and then seeing a teammate relax. And then everyone's saying to me, "Alex, you know, you're natural." And I'm like, "What's being natural? I'm just asking some questions."

    11. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    12. AS

      Like, "I don't get it." Um, but you don't ... Same thing when people be like, "Ah, you sit in front of a camera and talk." Same, like, don't think about the millions. Maybe that's why I'm not sat there in that frozen state in fear looking at cameras. Because for me, the conversation is what feeds me.

    13. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    14. AS

      I like seeing people relax and be fun. Um, so I just started doing more of it. And then I was like, "Right." Scared about the next chapter after football, I was like, "What am I gonna do?" People were trying to push me into management and I was like, "It's not me. I don't have a passion to be a manager, not at this stage. I've not seen myself in that role." And I was like, "No, I need to do something that I love, that I get a passion and the energy from." And so that's why I did a media degree. I was like, "Right, if I'm gonna do this, I know that I'm gonna be judged." You know? And I don't like the feeling of anything just being given to you. So I'm like, "No, I'm gonna work for it."... just like I had to do my football career, I'll work for it. I'll do a media degree. So went and did that whilst I was still playing for Arsenal. And then yeah, decided that in 2018, I was ready. It, I felt ready. I had a two-year contract on the table from Arsenal to sign. That's n- the comfort zone, the comfort blanket that I could have easily taken that. I'm still trying to pay my mortgage. I suppose most of my life is that, the fear of not having money to pay my bills and the debt man knocking on the door. Like, I grew up seeing him come round every Thursday, you know that fear. But I was like, "No, I can't sign that contract. I know how unhappy I will be."

    15. SB

      Did you have an alternative at that point?

    16. AS

      No.

    17. SB

      Did you have a contract from...

    18. AS

      No.

    19. SB

      No?

    20. AS

      Nothing there.

    21. SB

      So what, what is that gap that, you know, I think about a monkey swinging through a, through a jungle. You've got to let go of the last branch-

    22. AS

      (laughs) Mm-hmm.

    23. SB

      ... and just have faith that you're gonna grab the next one.

    24. AS

      Yeah.

    25. SB

      What was that period like in your life where you don't sign the contract and then you're looking for your next thing?

    26. AS

      Because I suppose I've always had the fear or a lot of people, what if it doesn't work out? Well, actually, I suppose I've always been the opposite. What if it does work out?

    27. SB

      Hmm.

    28. AS

      I don't wanna be held back in fear of, no, just in case. So it was more like I knew the headspace that I was in, I couldn't sign that two-year contract. It'd be unfair. It'd be unfair to myself, it'd be unfair to my teammates because I'd just be turning up to collect, you know, my monthly salary at the end, which isn't a lot. (laughs)

    29. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    30. AS

      Nothing like men or whatever, but it was enough to be secure and pay my mortgage monthly. But I knew I couldn't do it. It was unfair.

  7. 57:25 – 1:06:38

    Depression

    1. AS

    2. SB

      You talk about coming home, um, one day through that period and this is the, the part where you start talking about this function, functional or functioning depression.

    3. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      And you talk about, um, looking at yourself in the mirror and then taking a, walking past it, taking a couple of steps back and looking at yourself in the mirror.

    5. AS

      Yeah.

    6. SB

      Um, tell me about that day, that evening, what happened and you end up, like, collapsing and, you know, having a bit of a moment.

    7. AS

      Yeah. You know, I remember that like it was yesterday. Uh, yeah. I keep going back to the word heavy, I think, because that's, straight away, I, I feel it. I didn't know... Well, no, I did, that I was carrying a lot. I'd carried a lot through my football career, which I didn't really know. I was just doing it all, trying to solve everything. Straight away, I took that into my broadcasting career and like all these great things that, yes, I'm the first this, I'm the first that, I never set out to be that. I was just following something that I love, that I had a passion for. Um, and then so all the stuff and I suppose the pressure that came with that, I don't know, I wasn't putting it on myself, but the expectation for me, the expectation I was putting on myself was not to let anyone down. Like I'd been given a chance. Like I can't let my BBC boss down. Like I've got this person that's finally believing in me, he's given me an opportunity to go to a men's World Cup. Like this is big. Like so I was working so much, doing so much not to let anyone down. And then ultimately, on top of that, as you're becoming the first, as I'm the first female, all the negative stuff that come with that. All the trolling, all the online abuse, all of that. Like, it just got to a stage where I just, I couldn't take it anymore. Like, I'd been numbing everything, just carrying on. I can't show I'm weak. If I show I'm not strong, if I show my weakness, then they're gonna think I can't handle it. "Oh no, here she is. Look, a female can't handle it. It's too much for her." So all of this I'd just been bottling and just carrying on, putting on this face like everything's okay. And then that night was when it all got too much. I didn't wanna come home. I was drinking to switch off, to sleep, to numb it all, to forget about it. And I just got to a stage where I'd had a dad filled with drink, an uncle passed away who was an alcoholic. It's like drink problem and alcohol has been huge in my life. And here I was repeating those same patterns, drinking every night to switch off from the world. Drink-

    8. SB

      After, after work?

    9. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    10. SB

      So you'd be presenting on TV and then you'd come home and...

    11. AS

      Yeah. To switch off from it all, switch off from just life, switch off from not talking to someone. Don't wanna speak because then I'd have to speak about emotions and the heaviness continues, right? But if I don't speak about it, it's great. It's gonna go away, but actually it doesn't. Just gets bigger and bigger. And I think it was, we go back to how you felt about Christmas and New Year.

    12. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    13. AS

      It was that. I was on my own because it was my choice. Wanted to escape everything, the feelings, and then just being so sad. So sad. And I was like, "I can't continue like this."So I was at choice in that moment the next day to Google therapy. (laughs)

    14. SB

      What happened that night?

    15. AS

      Just couldn't stop crying. Just could not stop crying. Drinking, then the drinking wasn't switching off what was going on in my head. Just numb. Just, I was literally on my bed, curled up, just uncontrollably crying and I don't know why. I don't know why I was crying the way I was. And why, why should I be crying? 'Cause from the outside, I shou- I'm okay. I've had an amazing football career. I'm now working on TV. I can still pay my bills. Like, why should I be sad from the outside world? Who am I to be sad? I've got everything going for me, right? Couldn't understand it.

    16. SB

      You understand it now?

    17. AS

      I understand, yeah. That for so, all my life, I'd locked up all these feelings that I didn't know. Like how you said, they eventually find its way out. But we've had all these, I've had all this trauma. Everyone has trauma, whether big, small, everyone goes through trauma and I suppose I'd put up all this protective walls around me, and then now they just flooded out. Like I needed help.

    18. SB

      How did the trolling-

    19. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    20. SB

      ... online exacerbate, make all of this stuff worse? And w- like, be honest with, you know, we all pretend it n- doesn't affect us.

    21. AS

      Oh, gosh.

    22. SB

      Yeah.

    23. AS

      Mm-hmm. No, that's so easy when people say, "Oh, don't read it. Forget about it." Like, but when constantly every day, and yeah, it's my job to sit in front of a camera, but the abuse of, you know, your skin color, what you're saying, just everything. The pure hatred. And I'm like, "What, what have I done," that was some of the, like, "What have I done?" Like, "Should I just stop?" 'Cause ultimately, I was talking about something that I love, you know? I was just someone that worked super hard to then try and go and get a degree to get into this world, to get another job, you know? To l- be able to pay my bills and look after myself. And here I am getting nothing but pure hate and abuse every single day. And then I got to the stage I'm like, "I can't do this anymore." But why? Like, who? Why should I let them win, you know? So I'm fighting this battle constantly every day with myself.

    24. SB

      Did that make it harder to like really love showing up at work every day?

    25. AS

      No. Do you know why? Because like the football cage, the actual work-

    26. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    27. AS

      ... being on screen was an escape. It gave me like an hour and a half where I'm doing Super Sunday.

    28. SB

      Hmm.

    29. AS

      That was an escape. I was act- you could forget about everything. It's straightaway when I'm going home once again, then I'm on my own, that's when it all spirals out of control. Like I can't take it. Functional depressive. Like at work, I'm totally fine. Put on the walls, like I'm doing the work, enjoying it, loving it, and then straightaway, then I can't take it. Hence why most probably I threw myself into more work. Didn't give myself time off. Work, work, work because I'm loving doing it. Keep it coming, keep it coming, yeah. I can take this.

    30. SB

      It's a distraction though, isn't it?

  8. 1:06:38 – 1:12:10

    Being along is a positive thing

    1. AS

    2. SB

      So like, when you are, when you were alone-

    3. AS

      Yeah.

    4. SB

      ... and when you are alone, and when there is no distraction, who are you now? Can I ask, are you in a relationship? 'Cause this is quite-

    5. AS

      No.

    6. SB

      You're not in a relationship? Okay.

    7. AS

      I said I'm dating. (laughs)

    8. SB

      Okay. You're dating. Okay.

    9. AS

      (laughs)

    10. SB

      You're, you're, you're dating.

    11. AS

      (laughs) Yeah.

    12. SB

      Trying to figure out the difference. (laughs)

    13. AS

      I didn't wanna put a label on it.

    14. SB

      (laughs)

    15. AS

      I was like... (laughs)

    16. SB

      Oh, here we go.

    17. AS

      (laughs)

    18. SB

      Here's the trauma.

    19. AS

      (laughs)

    20. SB

      (laughs) You don't wanna let, you don't wanna commit or fight.

    21. AS

      Yep. (laughs)

    22. SB

      That's a toxic trait.

    23. AS

      Oh, my gosh.

    24. SB

      So y- you're dating. You're not in a relationship, but you're dating.

    25. AS

      Yeah.

    26. SB

      Okay.So I'm just trying to figure out if you're going home alone. (laughs)

    27. AS

      (laughs) Yes.

    28. SB

      Um- (laughs)

    29. AS

      I say yes, I am.

    30. SB

      Okay.

  9. 1:12:10 – 1:18:43

    Therapy

    1. AS

    2. SB

      That's a lot.

    3. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      That day, so the day after the... You're crying on your bed. You don't know why you're crying.

    5. AS

      Yeah.

    6. SB

      It's uncontrollable. And you, you said the next morning you googled "therapy."

    7. AS

      Therapy, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what? (laughs) I laugh because people, when people have spoken to therapy or have had conversations about it in the past, like straight away I would screw up my face and just be like, "Well, no one can tell me about myself. I know myself. Like what they gonna do? They don't know about my life." Like that would be the attitude for me for therapy, until that day where I googled it. One, I didn't even know what to look for. All this long list came up of all these different therapies. I'm like, "What do I need? I just need to talk to somebody." And then, yeah, then ended up googling some place that was close to where I live, went there, and it was everything that I thought therapy would be like, that feeling of someone sitting there and just saying yes and no to me. And I was like, I was like, "No. This is not gonna work for me." Like I'm that person, I need someone to be brutally honest with me. Like, just saying yes or no is not gonna, it's not what I need to hear.

    8. SB

      Were you scared when you, um, you went for that first therapy session? Like you've Googled a place close to you, don't, you don't, haven't had a recommendation.

    9. AS

      Walking up to some, knocking on someone's door. (laughs)

    10. SB

      Just, just walking up to a stranger and being like, "Are you ready?" (laughs)

    11. AS

      Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's so uncomfortable. So uncomfortable.

    12. SB

      (sniffs)

    13. AS

      And then went home, the same thing. It's like, "This is not gonna work. Am I gonna stay in this dark place? Get out some wine, let's drink, let's numb it all." That, that experience didn't happen. But then actually then something in my brain was like, "No." And then something clicked that I'd heard about this place, Sporting Chance. "Actually, I need to reach out to them, see if these people can help me." And then straight away, within a day, someone had come back to me saying, "We've found this guy. Go and see him." And the moment, Stephen, I walked into the room with him, I knew he was the guy. He was the person.

    14. SB

      How did you know?

    15. AS

      How he spoke to me. It was no bullshit. His character. And do you know what I almost felt strange is that, I've had this relationship, strange relationship with men my whole life, but then I actually tend to gravitate back to that kind of form. Like, and here he was, this big man telling me, and making me see myself in a way, pushing me to see myself in a way that maybe I'd been scared to do before. And not allowing me to just be like, "Yeah, I don't, no, I don't wanna talk about that. No, yeah, that's okay." And just seeing me and knowing it's not okay.

    16. SB

      This was what? Two, three years ago almost?

    17. AS

      Yeah.

    18. SB

      Two, two and a half, three years ago?

    19. AS

      Uh-huh. He made me start seeing that some of it isn't my responsibility. The guilt that I'm carrying my whole life, the heaviness, making me see it in all a different way, making me see myself and learn about myself in a different way. Why I've done things the way that I have, to understand the patterns, to understand my patterns when I need help. And that it's okay to ask for help. It's not weak. It's not a weakness. Even, we talk about like the heavy stuff, but even it's the nice stuff. Wanting someone to say, "No, I'm gonna pay for this," instead of me. Like I, I always, I'm the first to try and pay for everyone. 'Cause I just want everyone to be happy, you know? Like, "I've treated you to a meal." Like, "It's all good." Sometimes that awkward feeling, don't like it. Actually, no, just being like, "Okay, yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that you're gonna buy me dinner tonight." You know, it's okay. Learning that.

    20. SB

      Why was that a struggle?

    21. AS

      'Cause you're just kind of, it's just, why not just hate awkwardness? Or, like, now I found myself that I can pay my bills and have, you know, earned some more that I can take care of people also. So I'm trying to take care of you, where actually I'm not earning that money when we're talking about men's football or women's football. Even in TV now, like, I'm earning a salary. So actually, what am I doing? I'm trying to pay for everyone. Like, I'm not actually, I'm not made of money.

    22. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    23. AS

      But it's just that feeling that I can, like, I can treat you like it's good.

    24. SB

      Hmm. I guess if you spend your life like trying to help everybody else and make everyone else happy-

    25. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    26. SB

      ... it's coming at the cost of something. Coming at the cost of your own happiness often.

    27. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    28. SB

      And, and that is difficult.

    29. AS

      (laughs)

    30. SB

      You're what, you're two and a half, two and a half years on now. When you, when you reflect back on, you know, that- that- that, the person you were at 18 years old.

  10. 1:18:43 – 1:22:13

    Looking back now what do you think?

    1. SB

      Yeah. How do you feel about your, your career in terms of what you've achieved? Everyone looking at you must think-

    2. AS

      (laughs)

    3. SB

      "... Alex is a unbelievable success."

    4. AS

      (laughs)

    5. SB

      "She's-"

    6. AS

      Yeah.

    7. SB

      "... smashed everything. She must be just over the moon."

    8. AS

      (laughs) Yeah. I, I find it hard. I suppose a lot of people do, right? To hear the good stuff. Like, yeah. Like, I've, I've done all right. Like, from one career, made it into this career. But I s- I suppose I'm scared to always just sit there, because it can be taken away. It can end.So I'm always thinking, "No, I need to be better. My next show, I need to study my lines. I can't mess up. I need to be better." So there's always that of I'm letting someone down. So I don't think I've ever sat and taken it all in, what, what have I done? That I've... Great. Like I've managed to play for England and now, what? I sit on TV and have a conversation. I suppose that I don't take it in. When people now come up to me in the street, I, I understand more I would say. I didn't understand before but now I'm starting to understand.

    9. SB

      Do you feel like you're a success?

    10. AS

      It depends. How do you define success? What does success look like?

    11. SB

      You get to define it. That's the great thing. Are you a success in your own eyes?

    12. AS

      Yes. Not 'cause of my work or that stuff. Goes back to your question, that you know what? I'm d- I've done okay. From the kid on that council estate that only had the concrete football cage, like, you've managed to do something when a lot of people, kids from those areas, they have an expectation that you're not amount... not supposed to amount to much. So in my eyes, I've been a success for those reasons.

    13. SB

      Are you happy?

    14. AS

      Yeah. Yeah. I'm still learning to be more happy, to be honest. I feel... I've always been kind of happy-go-lucky person. Like I feed off positivity, wanna hear the good things. It's, you know, if you've got an energy that's around you, like it dr- it drains me. I'm that sort of person. So I kind of navigate to the people that see life in a certain way and wanna have certain conversations. And I'm starting to, yeah, look at that and be more happy. Be... Have... Celebrate something. Not big milestones. Maybe just little things. You know, it doesn't always have to be the big things, but taking those moments, and... yeah.

    15. SB

      If, if your happiness was this list of ingredients, and you looked at it and thought, "Well, maybe there's one ingredient missing for me to... for the recipe to be perfectly balanced," what would that ingredient be?

    16. AS

      I would say it's finally accepting love. I think I've always been scared. But like I said, like I've been on a journey, not been in relationships for a while. For that reason, I knew that I had to do some... a lot of work on myself. Like I've had people come into my life that wanna show me love, that wanna give it, but I've always had those walls up. No. Where I think finally now I'm at a stage where I'm ready to let that in, and I think that's something that's been missing from my life.

  11. 1:22:13 – 1:29:24

    What do you want from the future?

    1. AS

    2. SB

      And what do you want for the... from the next chapter of your life? What is the... You know, as you look forward and 10 years from now we say, "Oh God, that was a successful chapter."

    3. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      What happened?

    5. AS

      To be out... To be more present in the moment.

    6. SB

      Hmm.

    7. AS

      Really is. Like it's weird because I don't ever look like five years or 10 years. People... In terms of like my next job or anything, people are like, "Well, what show do you wanna be presenting in five years?" I think I've always been... I'm, I'm quite spiritual but I've never... Like I might have these small goals, but I'm also open to that actually I might go right a bit and it might... I might learn some lessons here to push me in that. Or open to that you might have an idea of that's my presenting goal, I need to be on that show. But actually, because I'm on this path, it might take me a totally different way, and I'm al- I'm okay with that. Same like the football decision. You know, do I sign a two-year contract in my Arsenal career or actually do I listen to how I'm feeling and it's taking me on a totally different path?

Episode duration: 1:42:50

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