The Diary of a CEOJay Shetty: 8 Rules For Perfect Love & Amazing Sex! | E217
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
155 min read · 30,773 words- 0:00 – 2:46
Intro
- JSJay Shetty
Most of us only do one thing with our partner, and it's watching TV. To me, it comes back down to-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Jay Shetty. Is a former monk whose wisdom has truly gone viral.
- JSJay Shetty
On Purpose, the number one health and wellness podcast. He sold like a million-and-a-half books. Jay, you know how much I love you. I think we live in a world where we think sacrificing our purpose makes us a better partner, when actually it makes us more resentful, guilty, more upset. So I believe that there are four important decisions that we all get to make in life. If you can do that, everything else is gonna work. The first one is-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Let's talk about sex.
- JSJay Shetty
The truth is most people are not getting any. We've lost intimacy in relationships. Great sex is a byproduct of great connection and intimacy. It's not a replacement for or a source of. I promise you, that relationship is not growing. It's actually falling apart slowly, and you have no idea. The only thing that makes you feel close to someone is when you f-
- SBSteven Bartlett
What have you struggled with this year?
- JSJay Shetty
Exhales deeply. Big question. A lot of the time when I come up against any resistance, it's like, "No, Jay, you used to be a monk. If you do anything else, you're false and you're lying and you're not allowed to be anything else." Every time I'd do an interview, I'd feel like people wanted me to fail. I was just waking up feeling sick, and I just had to be alone. I don't think I've shared this with anyone. I'm at a point where-
- SBSteven Bartlett
I just wanna start this episode with a message of thanks. A thank you to everybody that tunes in to listen to this podcast. By doing so, you've enabled me to live out my dream, but also for many members of our team to live out their dreams too. It's one of the greatest privileges I could never have dreamed of or imagined in my life to get to do this. To get to learn from these people, to get to have these conversations, to get to interrogate them from a very selfish perspective, trying to solve problems I have in my life. So I feel like I owe you a huge thank you for being here and for listening to these episodes and for making this platform what it is. Can I ask you a favor? I can't tell you how much, um, you can change the course of this podcast. The, the, the course of the guests we're able to invite to the show and to the course of everything that we do here just by doing one simple thing. And that simple thing is hitting that subscribe button. Helps this channel more than I could ever explain. The guests on this platform are incredible because so many of you have hit that button. And I know when we think about what we wanna do together over the next year on this show, a lot of it is gonna be fueled by the amount of you that are subscribed and that tune into this show every week. So thank you. Let's keep doing this. And I can't wait to see what this year brings for this show, for us as a community, and for this platform. (instrumental music plays) Jay.
- 2:46 – 16:44
How are you doing?
- JSJay Shetty
What's up, Stephen. It's good to see you.
- SBSteven Bartlett
This is a, this is a-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
... question that people ask so flippantly, right? Because that's just the way society is and the way we all are. But I mean this question in the most deep possible way, um, which is, how are you?
- JSJay Shetty
Exhales deeply. Big question. I'd say that I'm at a point, and I'd only give this answer to you, I don't think I've shared this with anyone publicly, at least right now. I'm at a point where I'm really reflecting, reviewing, and reassessing where I wanna be, what I wanna do, how I wanna give my energy. And so I'm in this really evolutionary stage in my journey, which I probably haven't felt like this for six years, which is when this all kind of started externally. And so it's been a really interesting six-year cycle, and I feel like I'm back to where I started. I definitely feel like this year, I pushed myself to limits that I never thought I could when it came to work, productivity, efficiency, effectiveness, impact. Like, the quality of the impact this year was higher, because everything else was booming higher. And at the same time, there's this natural sense of wanting to renew, wanting to reinvest in myself and grow again. It's almost like I feel like I did a lot of growing, and I poured it all out, and now I'm ready to grow again and pour that out again. But I've gotta go and refill that cup. Gotta go and rediscover what that is and what that next thing is that excites me, that drives me, that moves me to that level that brought us here today. So when you ask me how I am really or how I am deeply, I'm in that regeneration stage. But what's beautiful about it is that when you've been there before, it's a familiar feeling. Whereas when you were there for the first time, it was scary. Now I'm like, "Oh, I've been here before. I know what this feels like." I, I know how to find the tools and skills that I need. So-
- SBSteven Bartlett
What are the symptoms of that? How do you know you're there?
- JSJay Shetty
I know I'm there, because-
- SBSteven Bartlett
What have you been feeling?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I've been feeling like I want to know where I wanna be in five years. Or which direction I wanna move in five years. And I've been looking at that question, and I've been trying to answer, and I was speaking at a conference recently in Mexico, and one of the answers was, "Jay, what's your goal for what you wanna do in the next five years?" And I was like, "My goal right now is to figure out what I want to do and what I wanna put my mind to for the next five years." And so I'm feeling a sense of accomplishment. I'm feeling a sense of arrival. I'm feeling a sense of satisfaction. And then I'm feeling a sense of hunger, and I'm feeling a sense of a search for clarity...And almost, like, I can see the next few steps, but then there's a bit of fog and haze, and that excites me. So there's a feeling of excitement that comes with that search for clarity, if that, if that helps.
- SBSteven Bartlett
So in the short term, you can kind of see what, how things look. But then as you look at the, maybe the North Star that you're aiming at, that's a little bit less clear.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes. Yes. That's exactly it. And, and, but it's coming at it from a point of that's what I need to do right now, not what I have to. I think if I felt clear about it all, I don't think I would actually achieve what I want to achieve. I think I'd waste time, waste effort. I think we'd spend time being, doing stuff that didn't really excite me or move me. I think that, I think you get to a point where you know you can do something well, and you don't just want to keep repeating that because that doesn't fuel your soul, or that doesn't make you into the person who you want to become. And so while I know that I can do that, that's just not who I w- set out to be, and that's not how we got here. And so I don't want to repeat a cycle that I know I know how to repeat just because I can, when that isn't why I set out to do this.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What is that cycle? Let's get really specific on ...
- JSJay Shetty
Well-
- SBSteven Bartlett
What is that cycle that you've mastered that you think, "Do you know what? That will no longer give me that same, 'Ah'?"
- JSJay Shetty
You know, people, I'm, I'm probably different to a lot of people who set out and say, "I believed I would achieve this," or, "I had a certain set of goals, and I did that." I, I didn't come from that. I came from this raw passion to want to serve and hopefully uplift the world by sharing ideas that people would listen to that and go, "Oh, I have that conversation with my friend, but I never thought it was okay to say it out loud," or, "I was just thinking about that last night, but Jay just put that into words, and now I feel comfortable sharing that with my partner." And so I came at this whole thing from the approach of, how do I help the individual and the micro? And then all of a sudden, it took off and, and became this thing that was far bigger than I ever imagined and far greater than I could have ever dreamt of or built. And so what I mean by the specifics is, you've now learned how to create value for people in a certain way, whether that's with an algorithm, whether it's a pattern, whether it's, uh, the ability to communicate an idea, and then you go, "Yeah, I can either get lost in that cycle and keep delivering because it delivers." But no, that actually came from a raw desire to serve. That actually came from a place of abundant creativity. That actually came from a place of genuinely listening and genuinely compassionately giving. It didn't come from a place of patterns, algorithms, studying, and research. Like, that's not why the impact happened, if that makes sense.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Do you ever feel like you've lost yourself in the algorithms?
- JSJay Shetty
I don't-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Like, people, people know you as a master of social media, of delivering ideas via social media, value, thoughts, thinking. Um, you became a, it's, it's, you know, people see this across their lives. They become exceptionally good at something, whether it's being a lawyer or whatever, and they end up climbing and climbing, and then they kind of reinforce to continue to do that thing. Publishers give them money and say, "Do that thing you did."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And then they can get so far-
- JSJay Shetty
(clears throat)
- SBSteven Bartlett
... down that path that they go, "Wait a minute. Like, how did I get here?" It's a great place-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... objectively, but ...
- JSJay Shetty
I think I wanna give myself credit, and I don't do that often, but I will for this. I think I'm gonna give myself credit, and it was something you actually raised to me last time we sat down, which, by the way, I got so much phenomenal feedback from that conversation, so thank you for letting me go there. But you said something to me last time, and you said, "Jay, you're really good at knowing when to quit." And you said that I was a serial quitter, and I'd never thought about it that way. And so you actually planted that seed in my head. And so I think what I've been good at doing every time that that's happened is I've chosen to break the cycle. So when I first started out, I was the number one page and number one creator on Facebook, and we literally left Facebook.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And when I say, "Left Facebook," what I mean is I stopped creating the content that Facebook was encouraging me to create. So we used to create these sketch-like videos where we had actors, and we would cast them, and there would be this scenario. And when I first came up with that idea, it actually came from me watching comedians-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... who were creating sketch comedy, and I was like, "Oh, wait a minute, if we applied that to inspiration and motivation, that would be phenomenal." So when I came up with that idea, it fueled me. I was excited. I remember we made this video where this couple was arguing, and I gave them advice, and it was, it went super viral, and I was so excited by it. And then after doing that for a couple of years and seeing this incredible growth on Facebook-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- 16:44 – 23:03
What have you struggled with this year?
- JSJay Shetty
- SBSteven Bartlett
What have you struggled with this year?
- JSJay Shetty
(sighs) What have I struggled with this year?
- SBSteven Bartlett
Like, over and over again. Like, "Fucking why can't I change that?"
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs) So, i- it's a bit of an oxymoron. And, and I kind of l- I kind of love paradoxes and kind of feel like it's always this way. It's kind of like, at one point, you know that reinvention and rediscovery is constantly needed. And then, there's the other side that I've probably banged my head against the wall a few times on, is accepting that I can't always be scrappy as I was in the beginning all the time. And I'm, and I'm intrigued as to how you feel about this, especially having built something so huge. And now, I know you're building something again. I can't... There, you know, a few years ago when I was starting out and we were building lots of things, we built things in a really scrappy, quick, fast way. We made really quick decisions. Some of them were great, some of them were terrible. Things went wrong, things went awesome. Obviously, you know, you know, the rest of it is, is history and all, all of that. But, there's a part of me, as much as I need to be reconnecting with that scrappiness, there's a part of me that needs to accept that we're not that small anymore, and that things do have impact and influence. And I think that that's, that-... paradox is something that I find myself constantly going back and forth on, because I want to be able to be scrappy, I want to be able to start things at the drop of a hat because I feel like I can. And at the same time, I've realized, "Well, no, now I need to think about a lot more people and a lot more things are affected, and this could negatively impact this, and someone here could do this," and all of that kind of stuff. And so, I think that's something that I struggle with is the balance between saying I wanna be the Jay that I was six years ago when it comes to starting new things, but I have to accept that we're not there as well.
- SBSteven Bartlett
How many people, uh, are in your team total?
- JSJay Shetty
Globally, full-time, 50 people.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
So it's not huge. Um, but when you look at the people that work with us and the number of people it impacts and then the, the scale of all the content we create and everything, there's billions of people every month still in, in, in some capacity. And so, there's a sense of... And, and also there's a sense of, you know, you, you become a target. Like, you're not, you weren't a target six years ago. Like, no one cared. Uh, I mean, people took shots day one, like that wasn't the hard part. It's just you become more and more vulnerable in some areas, in some capacities, because now people are not looking at it as if you're starting out. They, they see what you have and what they can pick apart. So, you're, you're, you're ob- you're observant and aware of that vulnerability in a way you never were before. That doesn't make me more scared or more, uh, fearful. It just means I can't ignore it, and I think that's the balance that I'm always going on, is like, how much do you wanna operate from a place of ignorance versus awareness and proactivity?
- SBSteven Bartlett
What's your biggest, um... Fear's an interesting word, but I'm gonna use it. What's your biggest fear as it relates to being a target? Like, what have you... 'Cause I, I mean, I've seen a s- similar thing in my life. Obviously, the, the big change in my life was when I became a dragon on Dragon's Den-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... because then you're, then you're like a press target. Before, the newspapers wouldn't write about Stephen in his podcast or Stephen on social media-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... but now it's "Dragon's Den star sneezes"-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... "on someone."
- NANarrator
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
You know what I mean? It's like-
- JSJay Shetty
Sneezes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... so, but, because there's a show there which everybody knows and recognizes-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... there's a way to write the headline-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... so that I became much more of a target, you know?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And that, that's kept me up at night. I, there, I've got emails-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... from reporters and I've fucking shit myself about things that, you know, they said they're gonna say about me or whatever, but just being honest.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
So...
- 23:03 – 26:21
Living like a Monk and having a social media presence
- JSJay Shetty
- SBSteven Bartlett
Does that... And this, uh, you know, th- there's several ways to answer this question, but I just want the most honest answer-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... which is, does that, has that ever bothered you? Have you ever, have you ever received an, received that kind of critical feedback and it's bothered you?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. There was definitely a couple of weeks where I woke up every day in the morning feeling sick. And I've never experienced deep bouts of anxiety or... I, I've definitely experienced depression when I left the monastery and that whole period was a depressive moment in my life for sure. But post that, I was just waking up feeling sick, and for a week, I just had to be alone. And I just had to be alone and not see my friends and not see anyone. My wife was in London at the time, so I wasn't with her. And I literally just sat alone for seven days making sense of how I felt about myself. Like, I-
- SBSteven Bartlett
What happened?
- JSJay Shetty
It wasn't anything specific. It was just feeling that there was a lot of...... because I wrote a book called Think Like A Monk, which I still stand by the title. (laughs) I still stand by the whole book. The reason I wrote the book called Think Like A Monk is because I didn't want everyone to have to live like a monk. And my whole point was that when you learn to think like a monk, you don't have to live like a monk, and that you can adopt the same mindsets and practices that monks have-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... in your daily life, which is what I believe I took with me. But I found that when I would do an interview, you know, the interview would be, "Oh, Jay Shetty, you know, tells you to think like a monk, but he's selling millions of books," or whatever it is, right? Or like, you know, um, (smacks lips) "Oh yeah, Jay Shetty made X amount of money through ad revenue on Facebook and YouTube, but he's talking about being a monk." And so there was this constant, like, comparison that those two things weren't allowed.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And you were getting that straightaway every day?
- JSJay Shetty
Correct. And I was just like, "Why is it that I feel like when someone's sitting down with me, I constantly feel like they want me to fail, they want me to not be who I truly am? And they wanna find that angle on me constantly, because they don't wanna accept that someone who is trying to be good at heart, is doing good in the work and winning is okay." And they-
- SBSteven Bartlett
That's not a story though, is it?
- JSJay Shetty
That's not a story, exactly. And I think that was hard for me because I'd always believed that people would feel your genuineness and, and, and they'd respect that. Um, you know, I think me and you have not s- we've, we've had deep time together even though we haven't, haven't had a lo- like-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... we wouldn't say we've had the amount of time together. But I felt very early on that I could just be myself around you, hence why I've never talked about any of what I've just said to you anywhere else, anywhere-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah. (laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
... ever, (laughs) even on my own podcast.
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
Um, because I don't like meeting people thinking they want me to fail. And I, and I d- and if anything, I close off to that, because-
- SBSteven Bartlett
It's defense from day, from the jump.
- JSJay Shetty
It's defense from day one.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And I've realized I don't defend myself very well, because I don't, I don't want to. I, I just wanna be who I am, and I'm comfortable with that. But that seven days was me doing all that work to process it. Woo!
- SBSteven Bartlett
Bring me into this. Bring me into this seven days.
- JSJay Shetty
God, man. Stephen. (laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
No, no.
- JSJay Shetty
Only Stephen.
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
Only with you, man. Only with you, literally.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Br- bring me into
- 26:21 – 38:28
The 7 days that changed my life
- SBSteven Bartlett
those seven days, um, and what it was like. If I was a fly on the wall in your-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... world, what would I have seen?
- JSJay Shetty
The seven days for me weren't mapped out in being seven days. Like it wasn't like, "Oh, I'm gonna take seven days-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... and this is the program I'm gonna go on." It just happened to be seven days. And for me, I'd say the first day I spent reading everything that was making me feel that way. So you're reading all the comments, you're reading the tweets, you're reading the articles, you're seeing articles come in that you've just interviewed for, and you're like, "Wait a minute, uh, tha- uh, that's been completely misconstrued," like, you're feeling this way. And, and I'd say a lot of this was, you know, UK based, not really international, to be honest, at all. Um, and, and you're feeling that way, and I was just reading all of it. I was completely immersed in it for a day, and I gave myself a day. I said, "I'm gonna let myself do it today, 'cause I wanna be informed, I wanna be aware." And, you know, you just said this to me, you were like, you know, "Jay, I didn't see any of this. I didn't even know about this," and we've talked about this before. And that's what's really fascinating, right? Like for me, that day felt like the worst day, because it felt like that's all there is, that's all I'm seeing, even though there's everything else going on. So I, I'd say the first day I spent just reading everything, and you feel terrible and horrific, and there's a part of you that feels defensive, and you're like, "But I'm not like that. Oh, I wish they could just understand this," and, "Oh, well, they just read that differently, and I b- I wish I could talk to this person who feels this way and, like, hold their hands and look into their eyes and, for them to feel my real energy. I wish they could give me a chance. I wish I could actually talk to each one of these people. Maybe I should, maybe I should actually, like, book a room and just line up everyone who feels this way about me and actually sit down with each of them and talk to them about what my passion is and who I really am as a human being. Maybe it, maybe that's what I need to do." And you're kind of doing this whole defensive and explaining, and, and that, all of that was day one. Um, maybe even day two. And I think day three and four were really the hardest, because you start to believe some of the criticism. So there's a part of you, and I think this is a good part of me, I'm, I'm happy that this part of me exists, where I have the ability to be really critical and harsh on myself to the point that I kind of embodied some of those ideas. And I was like, "May- maybe I am. And maybe I am not fully genuine. May- maybe, maybe I do have that part inside of me. Like, God, maybe I am wrong. Like, you know, may- maybe, maybe I do need to take a look at myself. Maybe I haven't, maybe I'm, maybe I'm not doing that enough."
- SBSteven Bartlett
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so I'd say that was day three and four, and that was the hardest, because you're now taking someone else's words to be your worth, and you're taking someone's writing to be who you are. And so I think day three and four were just kinda processing, like, "Do I really agree with that? Am I that? What part of that is me?" I can't just sh- I never, I've never wanted to be someone who doesn't take something as feedback, like, or, or doesn't look at something or try and understand it more deeply. And-
- SBSteven Bartlett
And anxiety, how, how'd you feel on these days? You talked about waking up.
- JSJay Shetty
I felt like throwing up in the morning.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Really?
- JSJay Shetty
Like, waking up and feeling s- like, physically sick, uh, and, and wanting to throw up but trying not to.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And how, and did that feeling last all day, or was it just when you woke up?
- JSJay Shetty
I think it was mainly when I woke up. Like it was, it was a strong feeling when I woke up, and I'd have to work through that over the next couple of hours and then get over that and then try and progress the day. And I think day five and six were making sense of what was feedback-... what was... shots fired, and what I believed about myself.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Run me through those three.
- JSJay Shetty
So, the way I... And, and, and even deeper than all three of those, and I'll talk about those three, but even deeper than those th- three of those, was this idea of compassion, of why do people feel the need to do this? Like, what role does it play in their life, in our world? And why does someone feel the need to, without never having spent genuinely quality time with me, to feel any way about me? Also not knowing anyone in my universe either, so, you know... And so, so trying to have compassion and developing a sense of perspective, of what role does this play in our society?
- SBSteven Bartlett
That's the most difficult point, um, to understand, which is... I remember someone tweeted something at me the other day-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
... and they just like, they just... You know, 'cause it's funny, 'cause we get, you know, so much wonderful feedback, and then some guy at 3:00 AM, he's just like, he just took a shot at me, he was like, "I wish Steve was more authentic. His PR team write all of his posts and script his podcast, and he's da-da-da-da-da-da." And the, the challenge of trying to make sense of this, this, this like statement, where it's coming from, why they felt the need to tweet it at 3:00 AM, what I've done to them, is an impossible challenge to try and solve.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
It's a riddle that doesn't make sense. But the only way that I've come to understand it, is by looking at my own imperfection-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... looking at my own jealousy-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... looking at my own envy and my own-
- JSJay Shetty
Exactly.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... inadequacies and how sometimes I'm ugly, and then I go, "Um, I understand." We all have it in us probably somewhere, in the right context.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Especially if you've had a bad day, and the wife or the husband is giving us a hard... You know? And then I go, "I understand. I'm, I'm ugly too."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- 38:28 – 51:04
What is your ugly side?
- SBSteven Bartlett
You said that you had to confront your ugliest side.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Now, this is an uncomfortable thing to do because it really... It's a, for all of us, it's quite an uncomfortable place to go to actually consider faults in ourselves. What is your ugly side, in your view?
- JSJay Shetty
Oh. Hmm. I think whenever anyone does this activity, you have to be... It's, it's again that balance of being highly self-reflected and open to feedback, but not getting into the harsh, like, killing yourself basically-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah. (laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
... because you, it's... And it's a really, it's a really, like, interesting balance, I find, because you can easily do either. Like, you can easily defend yourself and be like, "No, no, no, I'm good. I'm a good person. I'm great." Or you can do the opposite where you're just like, "I'm the worst that ever existed." (laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah. (laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
And it kind of... And, and that's what I'm tr- You know, as you ask that question, I'm like, "Let, let me really look at it." Um, my uglier side is that any... And I believe this is true of m- of most people, is that you're truly capable of anything. Anything. And I think my practice and my daily habit is, and has always been, to try and feed the good dog inside me. And so, I don't think I associate that deeply with my ugly side because I've just not fed it for a long time. And so I don't feel very close to it in the sense of... That doesn't mean it can't take effect on me. So, so my teachers would always say that if you feel like you're unaffected by Maya... Maya is the Sanskrit word for illusion.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And illusion is considered ignorance, and that which leads to the dark side or the ugly side. If you feel that you're unaffected by Maya, you're in Maya. Right? If you feel unaffected by illusion or the dark side, you're in the dark side right now.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah, makes sense.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's the idea as well of, like, if someone says they're humble or practicing humility, it's like-
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs) Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... they're in ego right now. It's-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... it's not possible to think to yourself, "Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm humble," at the same time as feeling egoless. And so the idea that I feel like I just don't associate with my dark side often. But I think my dark side exists within this capacity of like, you know, the, the comparison, the envy, the jealousy, the, the ego. The... That, that's the kind of stuff that I would say that mainly I, I would grapple with. And I grapple with it on a daily basis, and I choose to grapple with it on a daily basis. We, in the monastery, we often talked about, uh, relishing the battle.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That, that there was always going to be a battle. The battle was never won or lost. It was a constant relishing the battle. You just had to re-pick up the sword and have the fight every day. And so I've learned to relish the battle, and the battle is accepting that there is both inside of me.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's a battle I have to have every day, and the avoidance or ignorance that I don't have one of the sides isn't healthy.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? In, in my case, it's just not healthy. I can't accept that I, I have only pure intentions.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Do you believe you'll get to a point where you've won the battle?
- JSJay Shetty
I don't think so. I don't think that's the goal. I, I, I d- I think, I think the moment you think you've won the battle is when you lose. I mean, there's that brilliant clip on, uh, social that's always going viral, and it's literally like... I, I forget what the line is, but I think the caption is something like, "It's never over until it's over."
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's all the moments in sports-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... where someone's felt that the ball's gone across the line or it hasn't, or the person's running thinking they're about to cross the finish line, they look over, and they lose every single time. And I think that that's a great...... image and metaphor for the idea that as soon as you think you've won, that's when you're most likely to lose, because that's when you put your guard down. And I think putting your guard down to your own envy and to your own comparison, to your own ego, is unhealthy. And I think sometimes when we see the crazy things that happen in the world, it's not because someone was made that way or built that way. It's that they let their guard down to those things. And so when I'm saying that I sat for seven days with my demons and my dark side and my unhealthiness and checked myself, I- I'm- I'm glad I did that, and I shouldn't avoid that. I shouldn't sit here and say, "No, no, no. I know I'm an amazing human being, and I'm a good intention." I know all those things. I am good-intentioned. I am someone who cares about people. I- I am deeply compassionate. I have only ever tried my best to serve and love. Those are all true. I'm- I'm very confident in that. But at the same time, I have a propensity to be egotistic, to be envious, to be jealous, to be comparative, to be competitive in a unhealthy sense. And if I'm more vigilant of that, that won't ruin it. And that's the perfect analogy that was given to us in the monastery, was we all had to plant a seed and tend to it every day, because you'd see weeds grow around it every day. And this was the exact concept that was taught to us, that when you plant a seed, weeds are gonna grow around it, and the weeds often look like the plant. They often look perfect, and you can keep watering the weeds or water the seed and pluck the weeds. And that's the daily practice that each and every one of us does. So I think every day, I sit with myself in my meditation, and I try and pluck out the weeds. And sometimes it's not plucking. Sometimes it's ripping, gripping, destroying, uprooting. Like, the weeds have gone deep. Some of these weeds are not- no longer little seedlings and little plants. Some of them have been around for years. And so there's that work that has to happen.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Are you thinking about a particular weed-
- JSJay Shetty
Um-
- 51:04 – 52:52
Ads
- JSJay Shetty
being.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Quick one. Intel are one of our podcast sponsors. And I wanna talk to you for a second about their Built For Business vPro platform. In today's working world, the office is pretty much anywhere, and Intel vPro means you can remotely manage, repair, and protect devices across your entire organization, no matter how large or small, giving me and my team peace of mind to work wherever we choose to. For my IT team, whether on premise or via cloud, behind the corporate firewall or not, Intel's vPro comprehensive manageability has us covered. This is something that is so important to me. I, uh, you know, I'm a huge believer in employee flexibility and trust. So having features like this are super helpful. So to find out more, search intel.co.uk/vpro, and let me know how you get on. It is that time of year again where my life becomes incredibly reliant on Huel. I'm busier than ever. I'm trying to be nutritionally complete in all that I do. I'm trying to make sure I get all of the vitamins and minerals that I need in my diet. And Huel has been, for the last three and a half years, the primary reason as it relates to my diet that I've been able to be nutritionally complete while also being incredibly productive. They've also been a sponsor of this podcast since we launched the podcast. And so I owe them a huge debt of gratitude for enabling this show. And in fact, when we hit the million milestone on YouTube with this podcast, I sent it to the founder because, um, I've never shared this before, but he actually said to me when I started the podcast, he was like, "You're gonna absolutely kill it. You'll have millions of subscribers. You'll be this big, you'll be that big. You- so many people will listen." And I dunno if I believed it, if I'm being completely honest, but he believed in us and this show, um, before we'd released one episode, which is a remarkable thing, and he gave me a huge amount of self-belief in myself. So thank you, Julian Hearne for that. But also thank you Huel for creating a product that has helped me and helped my health stay intact in my busiest days over the last couple of years. Back to the episode (paper rustles) .
- 52:52 – 1:10:39
How to deal with a partner not taking care of themselves
- SBSteven Bartlett
I've always wondered this. I'm gonna ask you a really tough question here.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
If your partner got to a state where you no longer found them attractive at all, you know? I'm gonna let the viewer decide what that might look like. Right? If your partner got to that state, what would you do?
- JSJay Shetty
I think-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Because they weren't taking care of themself.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I think my honest answer would be I would like to approach that, and I believe I would because I think I've shown it in different areas of my relationship, not in the physical sense, have been the compassion of are you happy with where you are right now with that person? Are you happy in the direction that you're moving in? Is this the life you want? Is- has this been created out of pain or stress or pressure, or has this been created out of choice and out of action, right? And I think getting to understand that person's journey to that point sets you up to understand where this is going. If that person then turns around and goes, "This is exactly who I want to be, and this is the person I want to be, and this is how I choose to live my life-"
- SBSteven Bartlett
I'm your partner.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What'd you say to me?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, so I, I'm going down the angle of trying to get to understand, right? Like that's, that's what I'm trying to do in this scenario.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And if they are completely cool with everything-
- JSJay Shetty
Correct.
- SBSteven Bartlett
'Cause it's you're, you're the one that's-
- JSJay Shetty
Correct.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... lost attraction.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. All I'm trying to do in that scenario, genuinely, is to understand where the person's at-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... why they're in that position, and how long they think that's gonna last. And so my, my next question would be like, "That sounds awesome. That sounds like a lot of fun. How long do you feel like that's where you wanna be?" Now your answer may be, "I feel like that's how I want to live forever," right?
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like that's, that's the direction it's going in.... I have very little control over that.
- SBSteven Bartlett
So what do you do?
- JSJay Shetty
I would then, if, if I'd explored that conversation-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Tried to understand first.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes. And seen that pattern for long enough.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Because, by the way, that pattern could last a week and it could be over next week-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... and that person's now guilty and shameful of... And they're dealing with something far deeper, so I don't think this can ever be, "Oh, wow, that person for a month has gone in this direct-" It's never that quick, right?
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
If you're seeing over months and years that someone's just going on a downward spiral, they're not opening up to you, they're not opening up to a therapist, they're not opening up to their mum, their parents, their sister, they're not opening up to their- a coach, they're not opening up to their friends. Like if you're seeing no sign of, this person doesn't feel they're going in- they're doing anything wrong by their account, now you're out of options of, of controlling that. So I think there's many more layers before, "I don't think this person's right for me anymore." But I think those layers and levels are time, how long has this lasted? I think it's, who are they honest and open with? Because sometimes they may not be honest and open with you because they're embarrassed, but they're being open and honest with someone else, their family, their friends, whoever else it may be. Do you, are you aware of that? Are you, do you even know the conversations they're having? And then if you're not attracted to someone, I mean, you're well within your rights to, to move on and, and, and get on with your life. I mean, how are you gonna force yourself to... If that's an important value for you, someone would say, "But physical attraction isn't my number one value." That's totally fine too, so you would stay with that person, right? Like if-
- 1:10:39 – 1:20:42
Distance in a relationship
- SBSteven Bartlett
point about the role of distance-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... in your relationship.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes. (laughs) I've tested this law big time both ways. (laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
Okay, tell me what you've learned.
- JSJay Shetty
So, my wife and I have been together for 10 years, so it's not long, and it's not short. It's, like, you know, it's a-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... it's a good amount of time. Uh, and we've spent up to six months apart a year sometimes, and we've spent as little as two months apart a year. So, we've varied, in those 10 years, anywhere from two months to six months a year of not seeing each other, based on work schedules, priorities, et cetera. And I was always someone who believed that distance was really good for relationships. I think it's healthy to miss each other. I think it's healthier if you have a plan of how you're going to be apart, and I think it's even healthier if you have a plan of how to reconnect after the time apart. And I think that's where relationships and distance go wrong. Most relationships and distance are either by default or with no consciousness, so we just ended up not seeing each other for X amount of time, whether that's one week, one month, or whatever it may be. That unconscious time of not being with each other is not healthy for a relationship. You don't know why you're disconnected. You don't know for how long. You don't know how you're reconnecting, and you don't know how you're staying in touch. That's not good-quality time away. So, that's how to make time work for you. Six months is too long. Six months doesn't work. I've tried and tested it. It's really bad.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Same.
- JSJay Shetty
Uh, it took six months after six months to reconnect, and I'm not... I literally felt like it was, like, a rule, that for every day I was apart, I had to spend a day of quality time with that person to refind and rediscover and to sustain and to evolve and grow a relationship. And I literally felt that six months apart took me six months with my wife to get back......to where we were before those six months. Especially because some of those six months happened unconsciously. And so unconscious time apart isn't healthy, and unconscious reconnection isn't healthy. And that was six months of conscious reconnection after six months of unconscious disconnectedness that helped us connect again. And I'd never wanna do that again. It was, it was too painful to look at someone, and, someone you love, and someone you feel you've really achieved something with, to kind of feel like you had to rebuild it all again. Uh, it was, it was too much, and, and I don't want to do that again. And so I'm changing the way I feel about distance. I'm always going to make it conscious. It's always communicated. And some of the habits I've set up that have been really helpful is, I also set up not even just disconnection physically, but time poverty and emotional. So, I'm going on tour this year. And when I go on tour this year, I'm gonna be on the road in the US for three weeks in total, which is quite normal for me and my wife to be apart for three weeks. So... But it's communicated, it's in the calendar. And then I come back to LA for a month, and I've kept that whole schedule free, because I want to plan a few trips with my wife. We may even go on a vacation, whatever it may be. And then after that, I go on my world tour, which is another four weeks or five weeks of cities all across Europe, India, Asia and Australia, and my wife will pop into a couple of cities, but she's not gonna come on the whole tour with me. And so again, I'm like, okay, which cities are you gonna be in? Which weekends am I going to take off? Which nights am I gonna be with you? And then what are we going to do when I reconnect after the world tour? It's now coming from a completely conscious, organized space, just as I would organize work, just as I would deal with a business partner. You just can't take a relationship for granted. It just will break, it will wilt away.
Episode duration: 2:06:07
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