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The Diary of a CEOThe Diary of a CEO

Jay Shetty: The 3 Simple Things A Happy Life Needs | E119

This weeks episode entitled 'The 3 Simple Things A Happy Life Needs' topics: 0:00 Intro 03:08 Your early years 07:32 How to deal with subconscious behaviour patterns 20:15 The Importance of surrounding yourself with good values 30:56 You’re a very good quitter 35:57 Why do people label themselves in a certain way? 42:47 Meditation 48:27 Where do people start with Meditation, breathing techniques 53:54 Good fear & bad fear 01:00:17 What do we want to improve personally? 01:13:03 What can I do to have an impact on someones life? 01:17:39 What do we require for a happy life? 01:24:13 Your partnership with Calm 01:30:10 Why was Jay Shetty successful? 01:43:54 The last guests question Jay: https://www.instagram.com/jayshetty/ https://www.facebook.com/JayShettyIW @JayShettyPodcast. Listen on: Apple podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-by-steven-bartlett/id1291423644 Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/7iQXmUT7XGuZSzAMjoNWlX FOLLOW ► Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/steven/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/SteveBartlettSC Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steven-bartlett-56986834/ Sponsors: Huel - https://uk.huel.com/ Myenergi - https://bit.ly/3oeWGnl

Jay ShettyguestSteven Bartletthost
Feb 14, 20221h 48mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 3:08

    Intro

    1. JS

      This is a really difficult question to ask, but it is the best question you can ask yourself.

    2. SB

      I don't need to tell you who he is, because his reputation precedes himself.

    3. JS

      I enjoy being a monk as much as I enjoy understanding media, and that's really paradoxical for a lot of people, but that's just my truth. I've always wanted to share meditation at scale with the world. If you just keep trying to change your environment, hoping that your life's going to improve, you're gonna feel dissatisfied at the next place. And I feel we're just conditioned to say, "Okay, you don't like your job, quit your job. You don't like your relationship, quit your relationship." And I think we just keep saying that it's this external shell that we're in, when it's actually this shell and what's happening inside of it that's defining all of these perspectives. I believe that to create happiness day-to-day, in one year, in one month, in a week, you have to have ... (music)

    4. SB

      Quick one. Can you do me a favor if you're listening to this and hit the subscribe button, the follow button, wherever you're listening to this podcast? Thank you so much. Jay Shetty is a household name all around the world. He is someone that's provided inspiration, wisdom and insight to billions of people using social media. I don't need to tell you who he is, because his reputation precedes himself. In his early years, he was lost. Becoming a monk helped him to find himself, and through service, he's gone on to touch the lives of billions of people through social media. But who is he really? Who's the guy behind the following? Me and Jay have a connection that I'm yet to experience with pretty much any guest that's sat here with me, and I know you're gonna feel that today. This is a truly special, honest, open conversation between two men about so many things that I genuinely think the world needs to hear. Thank you, Jay. And when I say thank you to Jay, you're gonna understand why shortly. So without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett, and this is the Diary of a CEO. I hope nobody's listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself. (music) Jay, first of all, you know, I usually start these podcasts in a much more serious way-

    5. JS

      (laughs)

    6. SB

      ... but it's good to see you back in the UK.

    7. JS

      (laughs) It's ... Mate, it's good to see you, and I was just saying this to you offline, that I think the first time we met was around three years ago-

    8. SB

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    9. JS

      ... three or four years ago in New York.

    10. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    11. JS

      And I think we had this plan to become best friends. (laughs)

    12. SB

      (laughs)

    13. JS

      And s- so we were like, we were like, "We're gonna see each other. This, this, this, this, this."

    14. SB

      (laughs)

    15. JS

      And then all of a sudden, I moved to LA-

    16. SB

      Yeah.

    17. JS

      ... and then you moved back to London too.

    18. SB

      Yeah.

    19. JS

      But it's so good to see you, man, and-

    20. SB

      No, it's great to be reunited.

    21. JS

      Yeah.

    22. SB

      I do feel like we've got so much in common in so many unbelievable ways, but the reason why I was so excited about this conversation is be- because we've also got so many ... We've walked a, a different path in our lives, um, and you're such an, uh, a self-aware, sort of self-analytical human being, so the wisdom that I've gained from watching you online over the years as someone that comes from London, is from the UK as well and is speaking to the world through their content and channels, I find, I found truly inspirational. So let's get into it.

  2. 3:08 – 7:32

    Your early years

    1. SB

      So one of the things I always start with with people, and I think this comes from my experience with, like, ch- studying childhood psychology is trying to understand what it was in their early years that, that has led them t- to go on the path they went on and ultimately to be sat here. When you look back at those early years in your life, in, growing up in London, um, what were the formative things that you point at in hindsight and go, "Do you know what? I wouldn't be who I am now, a bit of an anomaly, if that hadn't happened"?

    2. JS

      I think one of the biggest things would be that I felt I mediated my parents' marriage when I was younger, and so I was their go-to person for my mum and my dad.

    3. SB

      Really?

    4. JS

      And I have a really good relationship with both of them, and love them both, and they would come to me with their challenges and their issues and their pain points, and as I was growing up, I felt that I was always trying to reconcile, discuss, converse, negotiate for both of them on either side, and one thing I realized very early on as a young child was I never wanted to take a side. I never wanted to make one of them win and one of them lose. I never saw one of them right and one of them wrong. I really saw them both as two humans who were trying their best, but just like me, were naturally flawed and fallible and made mistakes. And I think that gave me a sense of compassion that runs through to today for myself and for others and for people that I work with and the people that we communicate through the podcast and videos, because I just saw very early on in my life that people could mean well, people could try their best, people could try to be loving and share kindness-

    5. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    6. JS

      ... but they could still feel that things weren't working out for them. So I look at that as a massive moment in my past, because now when I look back at it, I think, "I've be- I've just been doing this for so long." Like, I feel like I started doing this when I was probably 6, 7, maybe 10 years old, and so now to be still doing it today, it feels like something that was a natural role that I embodied at that time, and it's now a role that has evolved into looking internally for myself, also looking at the things that I adopted from that time that were uncomfortable and things that made me question my own self-worth and my own meaning of life.

    7. SB

      What were those things?

    8. JS

      I would say that, for me, I realized that we either try to repeat or avoid what we saw in our childhood, and that happens either unconsciously or consciously. So you could be unconsciously repeating what you saw in your childhood-... or you could be consciously avoiding it. And I found that there were parts of me that were really great at avoiding some of the negative things, but there were also subconscious parts of me that adopted some of those behavior traits that I only discovered in the last two years. And so, I'll give you an example. With my wife, I sometimes played the role of sacrificing and over-giving, but then expecting her to give the same amount back. Now, the way I see sacrifice now is that if you sacrifice something for someone and then you want it back, it's not a sacrifice, it's a transaction. You can't give someone a discount and then ask them to pay full price-

    9. SB

      (laughs)

    10. JS

      ... and then say it was a sacrifice, because it wasn't. It was a transaction. And I saw that in my life, because of the way I'd received love from extended families or love from school or teachers or whatever it may have been, I was loved in that way, where I was loved, but then made to feel guilty if I didn't repay it in full. And I saw myself adopting that in my own loving relationships with my wife, with my family, with my sister. And I literally only spotted that two years ago.

    11. SB

      Wow.

    12. JS

      And I thought to myself, "This has to stop. I can't repeat this cycle."

    13. SB

      What is the work you do to spot those, to illuminate some of those kind of subconscious behavior patterns that... 'Cause we all have them going on in the back room of our lives

  3. 7:32 – 20:15

    How to deal with subconscious behaviour patterns

    1. SB

      in our minds. We have th- our childhood, the lessons we learn, and the limiting beliefs we learn, almost acting as the puppet master of our adult lives. And so how does one become, get to a point where they can spot that and go, "Do you know what? That comes from that." What, is there an exercise you've done? Is there... You know, tell me.

    2. JS

      I think the first thing is that when you experience conflict with someone or you experience a disagreement or a disconnect with someone, our society version is blame them, it's their fault, they upset you, they're wrong. And our friends will agree with that. When you go and tell your friend that so-and-so did something, they'll say, "Oh, yeah, well, you know, he or she's a XYZ..." XYZ, sorry. Uh, XYZ.

    3. SB

      (laughs)

    4. JS

      The, the, the Ame- spending too much time in America. Uh, the, the XYZ of they're so-and-so, they're like this, they're like that. And actually, in that moment, I think the best thing we can do is, "What's my accountability in this? What part of this have I created for myself?" This is a really uncomfortable, difficult question to ask, but it is the best question you can ask yourself. If every time something goes wrong or something doesn't work out, instead of blaming someone else or blaming yourself, if you can pause and say, "What part of this am I responsible for?" And I think the reason why that's difficult is because we see everything as binary. We see it as it's either their fault or it's all my fault. It's all your fault or it's all my fault. And the truth is, there is no all. It's all parts. It's partly your fault and it's partly my fault. But if I don't understand what my part to play is, then I can't actually understand it. So the first step is, what's my part? That's the s- first part of the exercise. The second part of the exercise is now that I know what my part is, let me focus on what skill I'm missing, let me focus on what growth I haven't had, let me focus on what part of my life feels incomplete that makes me act in my incomplete way with others. So, what part of me is missing? And I found that when I was over-sacrificing or over-giving, that's because I was trying to demand love from someone else and demand validation from someone else. So I was almost trying to achieve or earn that love and validation.

    5. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    6. JS

      And so I realized I wasn't giving it to myself. And so now I've realized that whatever you want from someone else, give it to yourself first. If you want compliments from someone else, give them to yourself first. If you want validation from someone else, give it to yourself first. Because no matter how many of them they give you-

    7. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    8. JS

      ... if you never gave it to yourself in the first place, it will never be enough. So, that's the second step. Whatever you want from someone else, give it to yourself first. And the third step, I'd say, to get to that self-awareness is simply sitting down and plotting the three most difficult times in your life. So, sit down and write down, "What have been the three most difficult times in my life, or the most painful decision-making points of transition in my life?" And then ask yourself, "When you made good decisions, what was the environment like? Who were you listening to? What were people saying around you? And when you made poor decisions, what was the environment like? What were people saying? Who were you listening to?" And you'll start to spot a pattern. And I've found that in my life, any time I make a good decision, most people disagree with me, I have to listen to my inner voice, and I'm usually doing something against the grain. Now, that's my pattern, but everyone has to find their own.

    9. SB

      You've reached a point of self-awareness where you can literally pinpoint the steps of doing that. And obviously your coaching and all the work you do has, um, has exacerbated that extremely. Is there, like, a practical day-to-day habit you've installed in your life to be able to look back at how Jay's behaving on, like a... Is it a notepad? Is it voice notes in your phone? Is it meditation? What is the, the day-to-day practice that's got you to this point?

    10. JS

      So I would say that over time, I've done journaling. I love voice notes because I like speaking sometimes more than writing. But I'd say the biggest one, if I'm completely honest with you, Steven (laughs) , like sitting here with you and you're looking in my eyes asking me that question, I'm like, the honest answer is I talk to myself a lot while driving-I talk out loud to myself a lot. And I will sit there while I'm driving and I will talk through that day, about a situation where I didn't like how I behaved, or a situation where I was really happy about how I behaved, and so I'll pinpoint. And I always think it's really powerful to pinpoint a point where you were below your expectation, and a point where you were above your expectation. And I'll sit there and I'll ask myself, "Why was it that I was above my expectation? Why did I have the ability in that moment to act in that way?" I'll give you an example of where I was below my expectation the other day. I was going to play tennis with a friend in the morning, and I was running late because I woke up, I was figuring things out that morning, I had a few work emails from the night before, I'm eight hours ahead of LA right now so I had things to catch up on, I'm running late to play tennis. We've got the court booked and it's only booked for an hour, so we might be late. Something really insignificant, by the way. I turn up and I meet the lady at the front, and they haven't been able to give me a membership card because I'm only here for 10 days, and then I'm like, "Here's my membership number." And, and they can't figure it out and they don't know if I'm in the system, and now we're getting later for the court. And I'm holding my own, and I'm on the verge of just being like, "Get on with it." Like, can't we ... like, ah, this is not that complicated. And I resist from that, but in my head I'm thinking, "Why did that even happen? Like, why am I even feeling the urge to put a simple person trying to do their job, why am I thinking to release my anger and anguish onto them?" And when I thought about that later that day, it was all because I was late. I was frustrated that my friend's gonna be upset that we're 30 minutes late for the court. I was upset that we're gonna get even less time, and I was about to take it out on an innocent person who actually has nothing to do with any of it-

    11. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    12. JS

      ... who's trying to do their job. And so for me, talking out loud when I'm on my own, spending time... Actually, now when I'm, uh, answering your question, spending time alone is the only place where you get to have these conversations, and most of us are spending time away from being alone because we're scared of having these conversations. I'm sure you've seen, they did that study where they asked men and women whether they either wanted to be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes or give themselves an electric shock. Now, the results will surprise you. 30% of women gave themselves an electric shock, and 60% of men gave themselves an electric shock. And the reason was because they didn't want to be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes. We struggle so much with the idea of being present in our own minds and bodies and hearts that we distract ourselves. So really, the habit is being present with myself, with my thoughts, and working through when I'm happy with myself and when I think I coulda done better.

    13. SB

      You know, I really, really can relate to that point about, um, not wanting to be alone with, with your thoughts. Not from my own experiences, but because I've got friends around me, specifically over the last year when we've been in this lockdown, who have really struggled. And even over the Christmas period, I've got a couple of friends who really, really struggled because they are alone with their thoughts. And you've spoken there to the value of sitting alone with your thoughts, in silence, in self-contemplation, but what is it in the human, in a human that makes them not want to be alone with their thoughts? Why, for some, are their thoughts so, such a unpleasant place to be?

    14. JS

      I think it's because we've equated loneliness and being alone with abandonment.

    15. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    16. JS

      And those are two completely different ideas. You can be lonely, but that doesn't mean you've been abandoned. And we confuse this so much. Paul Tillich writes about this, and he says that the challenge today is that we think that there's only one word for being alone, and we call it loneliness. And he says we've forgotten about a second word. It's called solitude.

    17. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    18. JS

      Solitude and loneliness externally look the same, but they're completely different things. And he says that solitude is the strength of being alone, and loneliness is the weakness. And to me, it's because being alone feels like abandonment. It feels like everyone has left us. It feels like we're alone at the end of the party and no one's gonna stay. We've created a feeling of being enamored and being forced to admire being together. My other half, my better half, the person who completes me. It's like all of this language is phrased in a way to make you feel half and incomplete.

    19. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    20. JS

      When someone came to school and they didn't have someone to sit next to them, that person was considered the loner. If you had a birthday party and no one showed up, you were considered unpopular. All of our self-worth, since we were young, has been defined by, do you have people around you? Not the quality of those people, not the depth of those people, not how much those people actually love you. Just did you have people around you?

    21. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    22. JS

      And so we've just been conditioned to believe that being alone means being lonely means being abandoned-

    23. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    24. JS

      ... when actually, being in solitude could be the most beautiful thing we could do. So it's just as a society, we've gotta unlearn that conditioning-

    25. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    26. JS

      ... that's made us forcefully believe that if you don't have someone else, if you turn up to a wedding and you don't have a plus one-

    27. SB

      Yeah.

    28. JS

      That's like one of the most stressful things for people. I don't know who I'm gonna take. Why is it that prom, if you don't have a date, every single major life event, graduating, weddings, they're all based around having someone else there to celebrate you.

    29. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    30. JS

      Why? Like why, why, why can't we just celebrate ourselves? And I think that's where we've lost it. We've lost the idea of celebrating ourselves.

  4. 20:15 – 30:56

    The Importance of surrounding yourself with good values

    1. JS

    2. SB

      And speaking of spending time with people then, so one of the concepts you write a lot about is this kind of 75% rule. Um, people often discuss the importance of the company you keep, whether it's their wisdom, their attitude, their positivity, their optimism, whatever, and the effect that can have on you as a human being. What have you done in your life, and also what is the importance, from what you've experienced, of surrounding yourself with people that have good values, that are equally ambitious, that share a sort of similarities, um, as it relates to who you want to become? Is it important? Does it matter?

    3. JS

      (sighs) I, I think one of the biggest mistakes I've made, and I think we make as humans, is we often look for divinity in humanity.

    4. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    5. JS

      You're looking for that divine person that has all the answers and that is infallible and perfect. And when you seek divinity in humanity, you're left with insecurity and anxiety because no one fulfills that divine search. And so for me, what I really had to understand as I went down that road and felt like I was let down and felt like people made me feel unworthy or unequipped, was I recognized that there were four pillars of relationships, and they are care, competence, consistency, and character. Every single person in your life is going to be able to give you or should be able to give you at least one of these four characteristics. Very rarely, if ever, will one person give you all four. And if you're lucky, you might have a few people in your life that give you two or three. So let's talk about each of them. Care. My mom, there is no one in the world who cares for me more than my mom. She would do anything for me. She'd be there for me. All she wants to make sure, doesn't matter what I've achieved or what I've done, if she picks up the phone to me, her first question is, "Have you eaten?"

    6. SB

      (laughs)

    7. JS

      "What did you eat? Uh, are you safe? Are you healthy?" Right? Like that's all she cares about. Now, my mom isn't the person that I go to for business advice, or she's not the person, I'm saying hypothetically, that I go to for social media advice.

    8. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    9. JS

      That's not her competence, but she doesn't need to be. She cares for me and that's what I get from her. Now, let's go to competence. If I'm thinking about starting a business, new dragon over here.

    10. SB

      (laughs)

    11. JS

      Right? Like y- you'd be a great friend to call up. You're someone who understands what it takes to get investors, scale a business, build teams, manage internationally, grow, scale, sell. Like you have that journey and you have that network, you have that career.

    12. SB

      I also care about you. (laughs)

    13. JS

      I know you also care about me. So I've got two out of four in you.

    14. SB

      (laughs)

    15. JS

      And you got good character.

    16. SB

      (laughs)

    17. JS

      You don't have the consistency though-

    18. SB

      No.

    19. JS

      ... 'cause we don't see each other enough. So, so three out of four.

    20. SB

      Se- seven- 75%.

    21. JS

      Yeah, 75%.

    22. SB

      (laughs)

    23. JS

      And so for that, for me, is that perfect example of there's competence there and there is care there, which is wonderful, and there's character there. I believe you're someone of good character. And that's the next one, character. There are some people in our life that hold us to higher values, they help us grow with greater integrity, they help us see things beyond what we're chasing, they make us look beyond our desires and make us recognize that there's so much more to life, and those people are massively important. And those people may not be the people we see every week, they may not be the people we see every day, they may not be the people that we call up, but you need them as your compass. The people with character are your compass. And then finally, you have the people that are consistent. You have some mates that you just know are always gonna pick up the phone.

    24. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    25. JS

      You know that if you need to move house, you've got a family emergency, you know which friend you call. They may not be the competent business advisor...They may care about you, but they don't care about you as deeply as your mum does. But they are consistently always there for you.

    26. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    27. JS

      And that's beautiful, but the problem is, when we look at our consistent friend, we think, "Well, why are you not competent?"

    28. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    29. JS

      We look at our competent friend, we think, "Why don't you have good character?" We look at our character friend and say, "Well, why aren't you always there?" And so we're always looking for which C they don't have-

    30. SB

      Mm-hmm.

  5. 30:56 – 35:57

    You’re a very good quitter

    1. SB

      When I was reading through your story, and from what I've observed with your story, there was, um, some really interesting similarities that really reminded me of mine, but, um, I feel like are an exception. And, and it's, it's you... And you know what? You said it before we started talking. You said, um ... We were talking about various business things and business d- decisions you've made, and also you were t- we were talking about you moving to LA after just going there with your wife for a week, and you said, "Well, it just felt like the right thing to do. We were there for one week and it felt like the right thing to do." So although you were leaving New York where you had all of this stuff and you, you were starting to build, um, your presence there, you used your ... Your compass became how you felt. And when I looked through your, your history, from your very, very early days, from a teenager, to school, to university, to going off and becoming a monk, to getting a job at Accentra, then pick, getting picked up by Arianna Huffington at Huffington Post and quitting after six months because you were doing this other thing, you are a remarkable quitter. And you seem to be one that's guided by this compass of, "How does this feel?" not, "What will people think?" Talk to me about that. And (laughs) is that observation accurate?

    2. JS

      It's such a hard way to live, in one sense, and such an easy way to live, in one sense. Uh-

    3. SB

      (laughs)

    4. JS

      That observation, I, I never put it in those words, but I love those words. And I've heard you talk about that before-

    5. SB

      Yeah.

    6. JS

      ... about being a good quitter, and I love that.

    7. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    8. JS

      I, I, I think what you're saying is true. I, I agree with you. I've, I've never articulated in the way you just did, but it feels so true. I, from a very young age, just felt there was this strong inner voice, and I believe everyone has it. This isn't me being religious or spiritual or woo-woo. This is me saying that there is a voice that we all hear in our minds, in our hearts, in our heads, wherever you want to say it is. It's there. And the challenge that happens is, in our early years, you're told to tell it to be quiet. So, every time that voice says, "Well, maybe you..." "No, no, no, no, no. Just, just do what they're saying. Do what they're told. Get on that conveyor belt. Get on that assembly line. Stick that barcode on your back. Become a machine. Go be a robot." And, and it's almost programmed. And so that voice that is not machine-like, that voice is the human inside of us, is being trained to be a machine. And so we start treating ourselves like machines. And machines, you just program them, and then press Enter, and then it gives you what it wants. But we don't function that way. We're a conversation in the universe. We're not a program.

    9. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    10. JS

      And so, if you're a conversation and you're an interaction, you're dynamic, that inner voice becomes so squashed that now by the time we're 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, whatever age you are, you can't hear it anymore, so you say, "Oh, that's some spiritual mumbo jumbo stuff, because I don't hear that voice." But that's just because we quietened it. So for me, even till this day ... And by the way, I have more things trying to quiet that voice today. I had a conversation with my team recently. I was talking about a few new things I wanted to try out this year, and a lot of people said to me, they said, "Jay, don't you think that's a risk to the brand you've created? Don't you think that's a risk to who you are?" And I said, "Well, I haven't worked this hard to not do what I truly want." Like, I haven't got this far by being someone else. I've got this far by being true to myself. So, I can only continue to do that. And so yes, there are things that I do that are slightly unconventional for people who've been monks in the past. There are certain ways that I live my life, and there are certain things that I enjoy. And I always say this, I enjoyed being a monk as much as I enjoy understanding media. And that's really paradoxical for a lot of people, but that's just my truth. I enjoy building a business and learning about what it takes as much as I learn trying to understand how to meditate deeper and go internal. I under- I enjoy and appreciate what I gain from all these pursuits, and I see them as being this beautiful, you know, beautiful symbiotic, synergetic combination of learning and life and experience. But the problem is our mind has said, "No, those things are paradoxical. That's an oxymoron. You can't connect those two things. Those two things are unconnectable." And I'm like, "Well, Steve Jobs said that creativity's connecting things, and connected thinkers will rule the future." So, if we can't spot connections in anomalies, then I think we actually sell ourselves short. And so when you say being a remarkable quitter, I see that as me saying I only have trained myself to know that I can only do what I really feel like doing, with the awareness that this could be a risk, but I'm okay with that. Does that answer your question?

    11. SB

      Oh, 100%.

    12. JS

      Yeah.

  6. 35:57 – 42:47

    Why do people label themselves in a certain way?

    1. JS

      Yeah.

    2. SB

      And you know, you, you bit- brought up another point there which I think is, is equally ... and this sounds a bit like a pun, but equally connected, which is, you know, society will give you a label. They'll say, "Okay, you're a monk, so act like and behave like a monk. We know what monks are."

    3. JS

      Yeah.

    4. SB

      "Here's the instruction manual of being a monk." And if you do anything other than the ins- instruction manual there, then they'll say contradiction.

    5. JS

      Yeah. (laughs)

    6. SB

      They'll say, "You're a monk. How do you live in LA, Jay?"

    7. JS

      Yes.

    8. SB

      "You have a, you have a, a nice home. You make money."And the- and so, what is th- what is it about these labels that we give people and then we- society then tries to enforce, and if you step outside of the implicit instructions of the box that we've labeled you in, we go, "Fraud"?

    9. JS

      Yeah. Yeah.

    10. SB

      What is- what is that?

    11. JS

      There's a really good meme on social media that I've seen fly about for years, and it says, "Society says, 'Be yourself.'" And then it says, "No, not like that." (laughs)

    12. SB

      (laughs)

    13. JS

      And I don't know who invented it-

    14. SB

      Yeah.

    15. JS

      ... but it's been out there in, in the meme world for years, and I love it because I'm like, "That's exactly it." And I... The way you just explained what you said-

    16. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    17. JS

      ... I've actually never heard it said better than that, so you've just explained in-

    18. SB

      Oh, thanks man.

    19. JS

      ... 30 seconds what I've-

    20. SB

      (laughs)

    21. JS

      ... I've been trying to ramble on about-

    22. SB

      Yeah, yeah.

    23. JS

      ... for the past three minutes. Uh, but, but that's exactly it, that we want to label people, we want to label things, we want to label everyone. Now, let's take The Rock, Dwayne The Rock Johnson. We la- we could label him a wrestler, but that wrestler is one of the biggest actors in the world today, and forget actors, he's a brand beyond that. Now, if we labeled him as a wrestler and said, "No, no, no, you just have to stay a wrestler," you'd never get to see this. If you look at Steve Jobs, well, you started by making computers. You're a computer maker, so just make computers. Why are you inventing iTunes? Why are you inventing the phone? Now, I think it gets harder when it gets to things that are spiritually intertwined, and I grew up with a belief for a long time that if you were truly spiritual, you had to be poor, you had to have nothing, you had to be completely detached and disconnected. And I found out that's a worthy pursuit and has some beautiful rewards at the end of it, as a journey, but I also saw, having lived that life as a monk, that there were certain areas of impact, certain conversations that we never got to be a part of. There were certain things in mainstream society that we never got to shift, and that's something that called out to my heart personally, where I felt, "Well, what if mental health was mainstream?" That that was a mainstream conversation that everyone in the world had access to the tools to help themselves for free, through podcasting, through interviews, through books, through videos, through content. What if everyone in the world had access to what I have access to as a monk? But what does that need? That needs staff, it needs employees, it needs eight cameras, it needs a microphone-

    24. SB

      Yeah.

    25. JS

      ... it needs people, it needs teams, it needs a business. So, what looks like a business on the outside is just purpose on the inside-

    26. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    27. JS

      ... but we're so schooled and trained to judge things for what they externally look like, not what they internally are, that we don't give ourselves that expansive, abundant mindset to say, "Well, maybe this could be more." Now, I'm not saying that I don't have imperfections, and I'm not saying that I don't love things as well. Like, I- I like nice things. I like nice clothes, I like fashion, I like, uh, I like living in a nice space, so I li- I like nice things, and I would never shy away from that. But I'm also fully aware that I don't depend on my happiness on those things.

    28. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    29. JS

      I'm not putting what I believe is going to make me joyful on those things. But I appreciate having them-

    30. SB

      Mm-hmm.

  7. 42:47 – 48:27

    Meditation

    1. SB

      And a powerful, simple idea that loads of my guests come here and talk about, and it's interesting that they do because they are incredibly successful people typically, um, is this idea of meditation and the power of meditation. Now, I've heard this word meditation for many a year, and increasingly over time, I've become more compelled by it-

    2. JS

      (laughs)

    3. SB

      ... and started doing it. Thanks a lot to my girlfriend as well. Um, so... And you write about it a lot in your book. I mean, a couple of the chapters mention... I mean, pretty mu- um, several of the chapters medit- mention the power of meditation. Talk to me about this simple idea of meditation and what the impact has been for you and can be for those listening.

    4. JS

      So in the book, I present three different types of meditation that I was trained in as a monk and that I was exposed to, and they are breath work, visualization, and mantra. So if you look at all types of meditations that exist today in the world, there are three tools or three formats in which you can do it. Breath work, obviously naturally it says it in the name, it's all about your breathing. And breath work is generally aimed at body and physical. So if you're having physical anxiety, physical stress, if you're rushing around, your heart rate's gone up, breath work is a beautiful way to come back into alignment. Now, visualization's really interesting because visualization is used by everyone from Lewis Hamilton when he's driving his car around a track through to David Beckham before he took a free kick. Visualization was the art of sitting in one place, closing your eyes, and visualizing, what's that track gonna look like? What's that turn gonna feel like? How's that ball gonna move? It's visualizing the process, not the result, and that's what's fascinating. Western society has made it all about visualizing the result. Visualize yourself at the top of the podium and the goal. The smartest people in the world are visualizing the process and the work and the journey, and that's where manifestation's gone wrong. We can get back to that. And then finally, mantra or sound. So the oldest texts on meditation believe that sound has the power to transport and connect us in a way that no other type of meditation can. Now, we can... we all have experience with this. When you hear a song from your past-

    5. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    6. JS

      ... you're taken back there immediately. When you hear a song that has maybe some ego in it, or there's a song that you-

    7. SB

      (laughs)

    8. JS

      ... that you listen to on your way to a party or a nightclub because it pumps you up and it makes you feel good. There are songs that make you feel violent. Sound has the ability to wake you up in the morning. You don't wake up by sight. You don't wake up by scent. You don't wake up by taste. You wake up by sound. Sound has the power to awaken deeper parts of us depending on what level it's at. So when you look at meditation, you have breath work, you have visualization, you have sound. You can try a mix. You can try one or the other. Ultimately, for me, meditation is an opportunity to build a relationship with yourself. That's truly what it is. To build your relationship with your body, with your mind, with your heart, and with your consciousness. And as you continue to meditate through breath work, through visualization, through mantra and sound, that's all that's doing. It's just deepening your relationship with yourself. It's almost like saying, "Oh, when I'm with my girlfriend or my wife, what do I do?"

    9. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    10. JS

      "Oh, there is few activities and experiences that you do. You go out for dinner. You watch a movie. You go for a walk." Okay, well, what do I do on my own? Well, when I meditate on my own, I get to know myself better.

    11. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    12. JS

      And that's the beginning of what meditation is, but the greatest benefits of meditation come from using the right tool for the right part of your life. So before I'm coming on a podcast like this or going on stage, if I'm feeling nervous or my heart rate's going up, I've recognized that that's because I care. It's because I really, really care what I'm about to do and I want to be of service to others. I want what I say to help someone. I want what I say to hopefully start someone's meditation journey, potentially. And if that's the case, then I need to be aligned, so I'll practice breath work. I'll breathe in for four and out for four. This simple practice just brings me back into alignment.

    13. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    14. JS

      See, Stephen, we all have this experience. How many times have you ever woken up and you feel your mind is ahead of your body?

    15. SB

      Every day. (laughs)

    16. JS

      Your body wants to stay in bed and your mind is racing.

    17. SB

      (laughs) Yeah.

    18. JS

      Or you experience the opposite.

    19. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    20. JS

      Your body is racing and your mind is still in bed. So most of our stress and tension in life comes from a lack of alignment in our body and our mind. Our body's racing 100 miles per hour and our mind is slow, or our mind's racing 100 miles per hour and our body's slow. To bring them back into alignment, you breathe in for the same amount of time as you breathe out. Simply doing that brings you back into alignment. Visualization I use for when I think I'm about to start a difficult journey and I think, "I may lose a bit of patience," or, "I feel like I really need to practice this." Imagine this, as I'm about to go on stage doing something that's really a big deal and important for me, I'm gonna visualize myself pacing back and forth on stage. I'm gonna visualize myself communicating that message. I'm gonna visualize myself being really energetic on stage. Notice I'm not visualizing people clapping. I'm not visualizing people saying, "That was amazing," because that's just setting a false expectation. I'm visualizing my performance being the best that it possibly can. And then mantra and sound, which is a big part of my meditation every day, I do to connect with my deeper self, I do to awaken parts of me that I've forgotten and to feel a connection to a higher power in

  8. 48:27 – 53:54

    Where do people start with Meditation, breathing techniques

    1. JS

      the divine.

    2. SB

      There's so many people listening, right? And, uh, you said that so beautifully and eloquently, um, who I imagine listen to me doing these podcasts, and they've maybe tuned in 'cause they wanted a business podcast, and they go, "Oh, here goes Steve again talking about-"

    3. JS

      (laughs)

    4. SB

      ... meditation or whatever," and the, the react- the... That reaction is probably caused by the...... the, I don't know, the historic kind of snobbery that surrounds spirituality. It can be quite a exclusive club, right?

    5. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SB

      And the terminology can feel very exclusive to normal people and chakras and all of this stuff, and alignment. It can... And when, when words like that are said to some people who are, who aren't near the middle, who are very much at the other end of the spectrum, they just turn off to it.

    7. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    8. SB

      So if I was to s- be someone who's listening to this now, driving in my van on my way to, to work this morning, and I see a lot of people in their vans driving, listening to the podcast, um, what would you say is a really good, just a first step to, to investigate for themselves, subjectively, if meditation can, can add value to their life? Where would they start?

    9. JS

      Yeah. I would say that the first thing you wanna do is put something in your schedule, in your calendar, which is time for you. If you look at your schedule, you would never cancel an important meeting with someone else, but we don't even schedule one with ourself. There is nothing in the calendar that's, "Time with myself, time for me, time for you, time for just this, this whole thing that's going on right now." Literally put it in for five minutes a day. If you can't do five minutes, do it for two minutes a day. Just put it in there, because if you start putting that in there, you might then tomorrow go, "Okay, well, what am I gonna do with this time? I've got five minutes. Wow, okay. What am I gonna do with it?" So start putting it in there. That's the first step. The second step, I would say, is definitely focus on your breath. I think the breath is just something we can all relate to, it's tangible. By the way, athletes have to learn how to control their breath. Musicians have to learn how to control their breath. Whether you're Adele or whether you're a s- a football player, you have to learn how to breathe in order to perform. Me, you, and everyone, we're all athletes in different ways. We all use our bodies, we all use our minds, whether you're a businessperson or whether you're an actual athlete playing on a, on a court or a pitch.

    10. SB

      But are you saying that I don't know how to breathe? Is that-

    11. JS

      I am saying you don't know how to breathe. Yeah, and not you specifically. I'm saying that most people don't know how to breathe, and I didn't know how to breathe until I was taught how to breathe. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but how many times a day do you get out of breath? I know there's times of day that I get out of breath. How many times of the day do you feel that when you're experiencing an emotion, your breath changes? Like, when you're crying or you're sad or you're upset, your breath changes. When you're happy and elated, your breath changes. So our breath is connected to every single emotion. So if we want to navigate our emotions and our life, we have to train our breath. So I would just say to everyone, take out two to three minutes and just take a moment to breathe in and out, and breathe in for four and out for four. Just try it as simply as that. Now, if you're someone who struggles to get to sleep, which can often be something that I think everyone struggles with, that's when you wanna breathe out for longer than you breathe in. So if you're breathing in for four, breathe out for more than four to relax and rest your body. And if you're one of these people that goes, "Jay, I've got..." You know, "I've got..." Like you said, "I've gotta do a delivery today. I've gotta run to this meeting. I've gotta get to this," and you need more energy, breathe out for less time than you breathe in. So you may breathe in for a second and breathe out for a millisecond. It's a really sharp breath out. And if you do that, you'll feel this pumping energy in your body. And so to me, it's, these are really practical tools that I think... We all need to sleep, so everyone knows their meditation for sleep. We all need to get energized, so that's a simple-

    12. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    13. JS

      ... meditation for energize. And we all need to just feel like we're not rushing.

    14. SB

      Yeah, yeah.

    15. JS

      So I think those are hopefully quick things-

    16. SB

      Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    17. JS

      ... that feel practical to anyone and everyone.

    18. SB

      Yeah, I mean, I'm... I, I think my natural position on, on things is to be a little bit of a skeptic. And I... When I was in Indonesia the last time, I... My girlfriend brought me to see a breath work coach. And before we did the breath work, he explained it to me. And so this is, this is... As a logical guy like I am, the explanation matters a lot.

    19. JS

      Yeah.

    20. SB

      And he was talking to me about, um, how we pretty much live most of our lives these days, because of the over- overstimulation, because of the stress, because of the screens, in this kind of like permanent state of fight or flight.

    21. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    22. SB

      And when you look at what happens in fight or flight... And I studied biology. I know what happens to the body, um, ana- anatomically and physically. Your, y- what happens to your digestive tract. And I mean, this is what a lot of people say when they say, "I'm nervous" and they've lost their appetite. That's your body preparing and keeping the minerals and nutrients it needs to expend energy to help you in a situation. On the Serengeti, when a lion is running at you, that's a very prehistoric, innate part of our conditioning. And we do live on edge.

    23. JS

      Mm-hmm.

    24. SB

      Our notifications run our lives and all of these things. So when we think about why people might be getting a little bit more anxious day to day, it's probably because we're living in, like, a heightened state of fight or flight, and one of the things that happens in fight or flight as well is your breathing changes. So yeah, and th- and then I think about the moments where I'm feeling a little bit stressed, and one thing I've done, I... My f- It's so funny, my head went straight to New York City-

    25. JS

      (laughs)

    26. SB

      ... is I'll go, I'll stop and I'll just go (breathes deeply) . And whenever I do that, someone turns to me and goes, "Are you okay?" (laughs)

    27. JS

      Yeah. (laughs)

    28. SB

      They always go... I'm fine, I'm just-

    29. JS

      Look at him now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    30. SB

      Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, I completely agree and, um-

  9. 53:54 – 1:00:17

    Good fear & bad fear

    1. SB

      Let's talk a little bit about fear then-

    2. JS

      Yeah.

    3. SB

      ... 'cause we t- we talked about that there. In your book, in chapter three, you, you talk about there being good fear and bad fear. How can fear be a good thing?

    4. JS

      I realized that fear could be healthy or unhealthy based on how I used it. And most of us don't realize that we get consumed by fear instead of using fear. So fear becomes our being, in the sense that fear becomes what controls us. It tells us what we should do and what we shouldn't do. It tells us how we should think and we shouldn't think. It stops us from doing stuff that's really important to us, and it makes us do things that we would never, ever do. It makes us say things to people that we love that we would never want to say to them. And on the other end, it stops you from saying things you really wanna say to someone because you don't wanna appear weak.... and your ego won't let you. So fear takes this really magnetic, controlling effect on our whole lives, but fear, at the same time, can be one of the healthiest things because it's basically giving you a signal as to what's important. It's basically giving you as a signal as to how you feel. And when you use it as a signal, not as a suggestion or a push, it changes everything. So let's, let's make that practical. When you are in your home and if the fire alarm goes off, that gives you a signal to say, "Check for the fire. Check if there's a fire," right? Now if you go, "Oh, I'll just turn it off. It doesn't matter. Let's, let's avoid my fear. Let's avoid it. Let's just turn it off. Let's forget about it," your house could burn down, or if you're lucky, there was nothing and it's fine.

    5. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    6. JS

      But the odds are that there could be a fire. Now if you're someone who goes, "Well, let me inspect it. Let me be curious about that. I am scared that there's a fire in my house now that I've heard the fire alarm, but let me be curious. Let me inspect. Let me check," imagine we approached our fear in that way. Imagine every time I felt scared of something, I said, "Well, let me get curious about this. Why am I scared of this? Why is it affecting me so much? What about this scares me? Is it all of it, or is it just a part of it?" When you start doing it, you start to break that fear down, and that's the healthy way of looking at fear rather than the unhealthy way of saying, "Forget about it. Keep it away from me. I don't wanna go there." And so for me, I really feel that fear is what blocks us from these beautiful breakthroughs in life, and yet has such a chokehold on us. Like it's such a strong hold on us, and I think most of us are living our lives because we're scared of what someone will say, what someone will think, or what someone will do, and that feels like something that we're gonna regret when we're at the end of our lives.

    7. SB

      Well, they d- they do, right?

    8. JS

      Yeah.

    9. SB

      So they, they interview people, as you know, on their deathbed, and this is the number one regret of their dying. Your DMs, they must be full of people that are e- exhibiting exactly that behavior, because I know mine are.

    10. JS

      Yeah.

    11. SB

      A young person saying, "I'm in this job. I'm in this relationship. I... It sucks, but..."

    12. JS

      Yeah.

    13. SB

      Fear, right?

    14. JS

      Yes, yes.

    15. SB

      Fear of change, fear of uncertainty, whatever it might be. What do you typically say to those people that, you know, th- they, they hate the situation they're in, but the fear is kind of imprisoning them t- to, i- into inaction?

    16. JS

      I think I always meet it... I always... I was saying this to someone on my team this morning, actually. I, I always try and meet everyone with compassion and not judgment, because I know what it feels like to experience that, and I still experience that in different areas of my life.

    17. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    18. JS

      So it's always there, and I think if you don't meet it with compassion, you can kind of say something really energetic in the moment and kind of make them feel like they've solved it, but that isn't really wearing it down. I think, for me, the first thing is to acknowledge that that fear is real, to acknowledge that there potentially will be backlash, that there potentially will be someone who's upset. Because I think often we're told, "Oh, no, just do what you want, and it doesn't matter," and I'm like, "Well, it does matter, because maybe you are a good person and you don't want someone to be upset, or you don't wanna let your parents down, or you don't wanna hurt someone, right? Or you don't want to, uh, ruin your reputation by quitting your job or whatever it may be." And I think it's important to acknowledge that that's real and that may happen. But I think what I try and do next is say, "Okay, well, let's say you didn't change anything. How are you gonna feel in five to 10 years?" And that's my favorite question to ask someone, "Let's not change anything about your life. How does it feel in five to 10 years?" And if it feels worse than what you think it is now, chances are, that even if you're gonna hurt someone, that's probably the better way to go. But if you say you're gonna feel the same or better, then sure, just accept that. And most people will say, "Well, no, if I, if I don't change anything, if I don't get out of this, my life's going to be worse."

    19. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    20. JS

      But here's the other thing. I think we're always conditioned to think that we need to change our situation to create a change in our life, and actually, with what both of us believe, it's all about change in perspective and mindset. I have learned things from jobs that I hated but that are so useful to me right now.

    21. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    22. JS

      I have learned things from relationships with people I've had, and those people that I didn't get along with, but those lessons are still serving me today. I've been in countless situations where I wanted to get out that situation, but that situation was perfectly designed to show me something. And the problem is, we're constantly trying to just move and get away-

    23. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    24. JS

      ... and so really what I say to everyone is, "I want you to find out what is the perspective shift that this situation is trying to create in your life, because if you take that with you, that perspective is gonna stay with you no matter the situation. But if you just keep trying to change your environment, hoping that your life's going to improve, you're gonna feel dissatisfied at the next place and the next place and the one after that." And I feel we're just conditioned to say, "Okay, you don't like your job? Quit your job."

    25. SB

      Yeah.

    26. JS

      "You don't like your relationship? Quit your relationship." It's not the job or relationship. It's the way you see it-

    27. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    28. JS

      ... and I think we just keep saying that it's this external shell that we're in-

    29. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    30. JS

      ... when it's actually this shell and what's happening inside of it that's defining all of these perspectives.

  10. 1:00:17 – 1:13:03

    What do we want to improve personally?

    1. SB

      much... I mean, that was a unbelievably beautiful answer, and I'm gonna 100% steal that answer, I want you to know. (laughs)

    2. JS

      (laughs)

    3. SB

      Especially that five-year point, because it's, it is a really good sort of mental, um, game to, to role play. Um, one of the things I was thinking when, you know, you were talking then, is about a lot of those messages that we'll get on Instagram or wherever it might be. They're centered in insecurity, some kind of insecurity, and because we have a lot of followers, you significantly more than me, and because we have a big audience, what people will assume is that we have all the answers, that we've got it all figured out and that we live our lives like saints. And I always wanna be s- really clear on this podcast that I absolutely do not.

    4. JS

      Same.

    5. SB

      So let's talk about that.How about we go back and forward and we just say a couple of things we're really, really bad at and we wanna improve on, whether they are insecurities, they are, um, lessons, wisdom we know, but we don't follow-

    6. JS

      (laughs)

    7. SB

      ... et cetera, et cetera. You please be my guest. You go first. (laughs)

    8. JS

      Yes. Okay. I love it. Uh, oh, this one's been the one that the universe keeps teaching me, so when, if I think about this question, this is the first thing that came to my mind. I keep believing that I'm going to meet someone who's going to help me take my work to the next level, and so I always have had this belief, and I don't know where it comes from. It's, it's one of those ones that I still need to figure out. Where every year I'll be like, "Oh, well, yeah, yeah, if I'm working with that person, that person, like, as a manager or, or an agent or whatever it was, like, that person's gonna help me get to another stage." And the universe just keeps teaching me every year that it's you, it's you, it's you, it's you. Like, you've got to do it for yourself. There's not gonna be anyone that comes into your life and changes your life. But my naivety, every year, is to try and look for that person.

    9. SB

      Mm.

    10. JS

      And if someone asked me and said, "Well, Jay, who's going to be that person for me?" I would tell them, "No. What are you talking about? It's you." That's what I would say to them. I- off the bat, it's, I would say to someone, "Stop depending on other people. Stop waiting for someone to change your life. You have to change your life." But then in my own life, I keep my actions show-

    11. SB

      Mm.

    12. JS

      ... that I'm still looking for that. So that's the first thing. I'm sure that-

    13. SB

      Sure.

    14. JS

      Let's go back and forth.

    15. SB

      Okay.

    16. JS

      I like this. Yeah, there's, there's gonna be plenty more, so.

    17. SB

      Okay, so the, the first... I kinda... Loads came to mind.

    18. JS

      Yeah.

    19. SB

      So I'll just... I'll try and start from the top. So the first thing that came to mind that I, I know the truth upon, and I would preach about on this podcast but I find it hard to do, is I still kind of impose my own bias and beliefs on the world onto others, and I still-

    20. JS

      Mm.

    21. SB

      ... loosely don't understand why everybody doesn't want to do what I want to do with their life. So I don't understand why everybody doesn't want to be successful and push... and climb the ladder and pursue and have nice things and build wealth and build an empire. So sometimes there's this real bias in the advice I give people, and this real kind of, like, naivety and lack of understanding that happiness is the North Star.

    22. JS

      Mm.

    23. SB

      We all have our own path to getting there, and I can even exhibit that as an e- as an employer. I can... My voice can sometimes question why team members might not behave with... in the same way as me, and it's fundamentally because, again, the North Star is happiness-

    24. JS

      (laughs)

    25. SB

      ... and their path to being happy is not the same as mine. And that's a really dangerous game to play, especially when you, you've got a big platform, because you'll make people feel inadequate for their journey to happiness because it doesn't resemble your own.

    26. JS

      Mm.

    27. SB

      And so I really need to get better at understanding we all have different paths. And if I just say to myself, "The H- the North Star is happiness, and we all have our own ways there," then I can stop preaching upon people or assuming that because they are not following my path, they are incorrect.

    28. JS

      Yes.

    29. SB

      So there you go.

    30. JS

      Yes. I love that. I, I think one of the biggest things I obviously talk about is asking people to take time for themselves and make time for themselves. (laughs)

  11. 1:13:03 – 1:17:39

    What can I do to have an impact on someones life?

    1. SB

      It's kind of interesting because it very much links to what you said about not- not putting the expectation on the outcome. You said that earlier. I'm not going to try and change your life today, but let's just focus in, as you said earlier, on the process of, like, what we can do today. I guess part of my point, the first thing that came to mind there was, we both write quotes and put them out on e- the internet and that kind of thing, but I'm gonna be completely honest, when I write quotes on Instagram, I have no expectation that it's gonna change the life of pretty much a- I actually don't think, even if people agree with it, most of them won't actually do anything, probably over 95, maybe 99% of them. But what does it take to have an impact on someone's life? Is it something that you can do as a coach or is it something inside them that is... You're just the oxygen to their flame? What is it?

Episode duration: 1:48:42

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