Shocking TRUE Story: “I Lost Both Of My Legs Because Of A Tampon” (Health Warning) - Lauren Wasser

1. 0:00 – 2:13

   Intro

   1. LWLauren Wasser0:00

      This almost killed me, and it's killed hundreds and thousands of women. If men's were falling off, there would be a resolution tomorrow. Until something's done, I won't quit. (instrumental music plays) Lauren Wasser.

   2. SBSteven Bartlett0:11

      Model, activist, and survivor of one of the deadliest diseases...

   3. LWLauren Wasser0:15

      Caused by a product millions of women use today, resulting in losing both of her legs. I'm the girl with the golden legs.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett0:21

      Lauren, October the 3rd, 2012. Can you take me to that day?

   5. LWLauren Wasser0:28

      It was just on my period. It was super heavy, and I, I guess I must have passed out. They found me face down on my bedroom floor, toxic shock syndrome caused by a tampon, and I was 10 minutes from death. I had two heart attacks. My kidneys, my organs were failing. My feet were turning black. So when I finally woke up, they needed to amputate my right leg or I was gonna die. But they're telling me that, "We cannot give you any pain medicine." I have felt every single thing that was done to me. For those eight months, I was alone. Every day, I was throwing, screaming, crying, wanting to, like, think about ways I could kill myself. But there was something in my soul was like, "Don't pull the trigger." Just hold on."

   6. SBSteven Bartlett1:20

      Are you feeling a sense of injustice?

   7. LWLauren Wasser1:22

      This shouldn't have happened, but there's nothing on the market for women that is safe for us. It kills us. This is my new beginning.

   8. SBSteven Bartlett1:29

      Lauren, what can be done?

   9. LWLauren Wasser1:31

      That's the scary part.

   10. SBSteven Bartlett1:35

       I have to give you a warning. This conversation is not easy to listen to because it's so deeply moving, but it's important that you do. It's important that more people know about the risks that they face by the products they use every single day. And it's important that people hear Lauren Wasser's unimaginable story, a story that will change your mind, break your heart, and then put it back together again. Toxic shock syndrome is probably something you've never heard of before, but it can affect anyone at any time, men, women, and children of all ages.

2. 2:13 – 5:26

   Early context

   1. SBSteven Bartlett2:16

      (instrumental music plays) Lauren, what do I need to know about your earliest years to understand how you were shaped, molded, the perspective that you inherited from that early context and environment?

   2. LWLauren Wasser2:35

      I think the idea of perfection, the idea that physically looking like that 1% and being... I guess back then too, being a supermodel in the, the late '80s, '90s, that's kind of, like, the cool era. And that's kind of where me being around all of these women that were just flawless and beautiful, um, kind of set the tone. And also saw, like, you can get away with anything if you're beautiful as well, which was interesting to me. But I was the complete opposite. Like, I am a tomboy. I played basketball. That's my first love. That's where I, I think, really molded and shaped who I am as a person and why I, honestly, I think I'm alive. I think having to have the dedication, have the determination, but also, like, have to show up every single day and give it your all, um, was something that I didn't really see anywhere else. Like, my dad wasn't there. My dad, unfortunately, he was... He got caught up in the whole drug scene, um, complete drug addict. Um, basically saw him homeless on the side of the street when I was younger. Like, my mom and I would be driving down Melrose, and my dad, I would look out and be like, "Oh my God, that's my dad, like, on the side of the street," 'cause he's homeless.

   3. SBSteven Bartlett3:58

      He was a model?

   4. LWLauren Wasser3:58

      He was. He was a big model. But, you know, Studio 54, that whole era was obviously drug... mostly drugs. But my mom was, like, head of her career, 21 years old. Um-

   5. SBSteven Bartlett4:10

      21 years old she had you?

   6. LWLauren Wasser4:11

      She had me at 21.

   7. SBSteven Bartlett4:13

      She was a, a big model, wasn't she?

   8. LWLauren Wasser4:15

      She was pretty big. She was with Stephanie Seymour and Cindy Crawford and Naomi, that whole era. You know, um, kind of growing up a- around that was just kind of crazy to see. She wouldn't even leave the house without wearing makeup or, like, looking, like, top of the line. Whereas I don't give a shit. Like, I'll just roll out of bed and put on some basketball shorts and a vintage tee and be like, "Cool, I'm out." (laughs) You know?

   9. SBSteven Bartlett4:39

      (laughs) What if I'd asked you then, say you're 16 years old, and I said, "What do you wanna be when you're older?" What would you have r- responded to me?

   10. LWLauren Wasser4:45

       Oh, I thought I was gonna be like the Maria Sharapova of, like, the WNBA. Like, I was, I was, I was set in stone wanting to be, like, endorsements, playing ball 24/7, travel. Like, that was my dream. Like, that's what I really wanted for myself. Um-

   11. SBSteven Bartlett5:03

       To be a basketball player?

   12. LWLauren Wasser5:04

       Yeah. So that's why it's kind of, like, just the irony of, like, the fact I don't have legs anymore is, like, just crazy to me 'cause I'm like, "I'm an athlete first and foremost, and, like, that is my livelihood." Like, that's what I know best is movement, is going outside and going for a run, you know? I mean, even just... We all take for granted just walking in the shower, you know?

3. 5:26 – 11:49

   The day your life changed forever

   1. SBSteven Bartlett5:26

      So you're 24 when your life changes.

   2. LWLauren Wasser5:29

      Mm-hmm.

   3. SBSteven Bartlett5:31

      October the 3rd, 2012, you're 24 years old. Can you take me to that day when you woke up that day? W- what was, you know, what was... If you can remember the, the plans you had for that day and, um, and how that day unfolded?

   4. LWLauren Wasser5:49

      Yeah, I was, uh, 24. Probably the best shape of m- ever in my life, super healthy. Um, my period has always been really heavy, so I've always had to use super absorbent tampons. Um, but... And my mom had told me about toxic shock syndrome. She had told me obviously how to use them properly, change them every few hours. Um, but on that specific day, I...Like any normal day, it was just on my period. It was super heavy and I ran out of my tampon, so I went and bought a new box and... I just remember feeling super sick, like almost as if I had like the flu. It was October, so flu season. All of my friends were getting sick and I had to go to my friend's birthday that night, and it's just me and my blind cocker spaniel at the time living in Santa Monica. So it was just her and I. I changed my tampon obviously, and I'm s- I'm just laying there probably, I don't know, 30, 40 minutes, I start feeling even worse and I'm like, "Wow, I'm- I'm really feeling sick." I'm texting with my friends, you know. Couple hours go by, changed my tampon again, so this is, this is the second time I've changed it. It's about now like, I don't know, 5:00, 6:00 PM, and I have to get ready to go to my friend's birthday, so I get in the shower, get myself together, put another tampon in. And as soon as I drive and I walk into the venue, all of my friends are in there and they're just like, "Dude, you look so sick." And I felt it, like, I finally in that moment felt like this, like, whole wave of, like... heat and also just something is just not right. And I'm like, "Yeah, y- I think I should probably just go home." So, I drive myself back home. My mom and I are super close, so we chat every five minutes. We're always in communication. And I was like, "Yeah, I'm just feeling kind of unwell, but I'm, I'm, I think I'm okay." And then I get to my apartment and I'm just like really, really hot, so I just take off all of my clothes (clears throat) and I just, like, lay on the floor with m- by my bed with my dog. And I- I guess I must have passed out and my mom was frantically trying to, like, get in contact with me and she can't get ahold of me, but she knew that I was feeling ill, so she called, um, the police to come by for a welfare check. So I'm laying on... I remember this because I was laying on my- my- my bedroom floor and I just remember my blind cocker spaniel, like, literally on my chest. And you know a cocker spaniel, like, they're so sweet and friendly and she was like ferociously, like, barking at me to where, like, I could feel her, like, breath and her, like, spit almost. And she was just like so, like, adamant about, like, getting me up, like jumping on me and stuff. And then I hear, like, the knock at the door and I hear, "Police. Police. Open up." And I'm like, "What?" Like, "What's going on? Like, why are the police here?" So confused. But at this time, I was already accumulating, like, 107 fever, so I was pretty much, like, just not in any shape or form, like, m- making any real decisions 'cause I'm just so discombobulated of, like, even what's going on. So I, like, throw on a hoodie and I open the door a- and the cop comes in and he looks at me and he's like, "You're really sick." And I'm like, "No shit." You know? Like, obviously. And he looks around my apartment and I think, like, I didn't even have a chance to take my dog out, so I'm sure there was, like, pee and whatever and he's like, um, "You're really sick. You need to call your mom." And I'm like, "Okay." And then he's like... So I- I plugged in my phone and he just fucking left. The cop just left me. So then I, like, plug my phone in, I text my mom, I'm like, "The cop just came. Obviously, I'm really sick, but I think I just have the flu." And, I mean, he's a cop, so I think if there was any real urgency, he would take me to the emergency room. And at that point, I'm in Santa Monica and I'm living five minutes from St. John's. Like, you could see St. John's from my balcony of my apartment.

   5. SBSteven Bartlett9:55

      Hospital?

   6. LWLauren Wasser9:55

      Yeah, this hospital that saved my life.

   7. SBSteven Bartlett9:57

      How long had you been on the floor?

   8. LWLauren Wasser10:00

      Probably a few hours.

   9. SBSteven Bartlett10:01

      Okay.

   10. LWLauren Wasser10:02

       Um, but she was like... After speaking to her, clearly she has that motherly instinct to be like, something doesn't sit well. So I said, "Listen, the cop just left. Obviously, I think I'm okay. I just need to just sleep this off and, uh, I'll call you in the morning." And that was the last we spoke. Obviously, that doesn't sit well with her, so she feels the need to get another welfare check. She gets her husband to drive her. She was just, uh, had surgery, so she was bedridden and she was living in Riverside at the time, which is like... It could take up to, like, an hour or two to even get to me, so she called all of her friends, all of my friends, called the police again to come to my apartment to, like, see how I'm doing or get me help or something. Um, so once she did that, uh, the cops came again and it took them, like, 30 to 45 minutes to get inside of my apartment and they found me face down on my bedroom floor defecated basically m- myself and everything around me. I was dying. I was 10 minutes from death. They rushed me to St. John's, um, and they were like, "Why is this healthy, young, 24-year-old girl plummeting?" They didn't get it and thank God there was an infectious disease doctor that was on call and he said, "Well, does she have a tampon in?" And once they located the tampon and they sent it to the lab, it came back as TSS1 and that's when they were able to finally kind of get me stable and give me the things that I- that my body was more susceptive to accepting at that time because it was really grim. And I had two heart attacks. Um, my kidneys, my organs were failing. Um, they put me on life support. Uh, I had 107 fever. They basically gave me a 1% chance of even surviving, so.

4. 11:49 – 20:22

   Toxic shock syndrome caused by a tampon

   1. LWLauren Wasser11:49

   2. SBSteven Bartlett11:49

      TSS1?

   3. LWLauren Wasser11:51

      Toxic shock syndrome caused by a tampon. It's because all of these tampons, feminine hygiene products that are available for women on the market right now if we were to go look, they have chlorine, bleach, dioxin, um, all of these synthetic fibers that we place inside of us at such a delicate time and that just gets in your bloodstream and it slowly kills you. It- it's a gateway to everything and those specific things are-... so toxic, you know? And then if you're using super absorbent tampons, the absorbency is w- way more than just a normal one. And even if you use a cotton tampon, it's still sprayed with pesticides. So there's actually nothing on the market for women that is safe for us. Everything has something, some sort of chemical in it.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett12:42

      So- so they ... You're in hospital. They've given you a 1% chance of, of surviving, of living.

   5. LWLauren Wasser12:49

      Mm-hmm.

   6. SBSteven Bartlett12:50

      And they've, they've told your family, presumably, that-

   7. LWLauren Wasser12:53

      Mm-hmm.

   8. SBSteven Bartlett12:53

      ... your chance of survival is ... You have an- Well, that you have a 99% chance of not surviving.

   9. LWLauren Wasser12:59

      Mm-hmm.

   10. SBSteven Bartlett13:00

       H- Do you know how your, your family had responded to that?

   11. LWLauren Wasser13:03

       There was a whole line around St. Johns of, like, everyone that I knew to say goodbye to me. Of course, my family too, but like ... I'm from LA. Like, I, I've been around and know everyone. And to see that kind of response, especially during that, to where like people are actually coming to say their, their goodbyes and pay their respects is just insane. Obviously, I, I don't know any of that, but that's, that's just what I've been told, but it's just pretty crazy. And I was, you know, in a ... Well, on life support, fighting for my life, and each moment was, was very grim.

   12. SBSteven Bartlett13:43

       You were in a coma?

   13. LWLauren Wasser13:45

       Yeah, I was on a ... I was on life support, in a coma for like a week and a half.

   14. SBSteven Bartlett13:50

       Have you found out what went on while you were in a coma, in terms of the treatments they were giving you to try and keep you alive?

   15. LWLauren Wasser13:56

       So they gave me, um ... They pumped me ... my whole body full of fluids because the toxins had taken over, so they pumped my body full of like 100 pounds of fluid. So when I finally woke up from, from the coma, I was 200 pounds. So like, I'm tiny. And I woke up and I was just like ... I thought I literally just had one of those nights where you just eat a bunch of donuts and candy and ice cream, and I was just like, "Is this what ha- " You know? I just ... I had no idea why I was literally in ... and had tubes in my throat and machines everywhere, and my mom obviously, like, sitting right beside me, and everyone freaking out that like I'm awake. And, but what degree am I awake? Like, no one specifically knew how damaged or what severity it was until I could actually, like, be awake to, to tell them or to show them. But yeah, it was, it was really touch and go.

   16. SBSteven Bartlett14:50

       The rest of your family, your grandparents, your brother, were, were they around at that time?

   17. LWLauren Wasser14:54

       Yeah, everyone was, all of my friends. I mean, it was, it was really to that point. I mean, my, my godfather and my mom got a casket. They were gonna plan my funeral. Like, there was to that point of like, "This girl probably will not make it."

   18. SBSteven Bartlett15:12

       And it's a bacterial infection?

   19. LWLauren Wasser15:14

       Yeah, but it's, it's, it has nothing to do with leaving your tampon in too long. I was changing my, the tampon as, as normal as I've always done, as normal as you should, as normal as directed. Um, but again, I think it's about how toxic these tampons are and how they sit in our bodies. And, you know, it just takes one of those, those toxins to get in our bloodstream, and it starts that kind of flu-like symptoms, but that's so vague. It's so ... Um, yeah, I, I just think that could mean so many things. And, and even now, I would never be able to differentiate, "Oh yeah, my tampon is making me sick." I would never think that. But now that I have all the information and obviously knowing that like I'm just the lucky one that got away with my life, you know, looking back on it, I'm like, "Wow, like that's ... It's crazy that that almost killed me." And it's killed hundreds and thousands of women since the '80s, the early '80s to now. It's still an epidemic that's never gone away.

   20. SBSteven Bartlett16:17

       Was it by chance that that particular doctor was on call that day, that asked about does she have a tampon in?

   21. LWLauren Wasser16:23

       Oh, I'm, I'm so grateful because that, that in itself is a miracle, that there was someone that knows about toxic shock syndrome and, you know, understands the dangers, and was there and saw, you know, the symptoms that I was obviously showing, and had even the idea to, to ask or to look or to, you know, say, "This is ... This could be it. This could probably be why this girl's literally dying right before us."

   22. SBSteven Bartlett16:51

       But it says a lot that they would ask that question. It's, it says that there's clearly a long history of that being-

   23. LWLauren Wasser16:57

       Mm-hmm.

   24. SBSteven Bartlett16:58

       ... a causal factor for illness if a doctor would even ask that question.

   25. LWLauren Wasser17:03

       But the sad thing is, is a lot of ... It, it goes misdiagnosed a lot of the time, and a- and a lot of people just think it's, it's doesn't happen, or it couldn't happen, or, you know ? It was kind of swept under the rug by tampon companies because it's a billion-dollar industry. And, you know, no one ever saw someone like myself survive it, and then being able to say, "Hey, like this is ... This shouldn't be happening. Like, this almost killed me." And that's why I even shared my story to begin with, is because I wanted women and I wanted the world to be aware that this is something that we shouldn't be taking lightly, and that we need to demand for safer products, and also demand like, "Why is this still happening?" And, you know? Obviously, then it was 2012, but here we are 2023, and young women more than ever are, are in danger.

   26. SBSteven Bartlett17:51

       I, I read that the doctors were telling your mother to start praying that you would stay alive.

   27. LWLauren Wasser17:56

       Yeah.

   28. SBSteven Bartlett17:57

       And that the doctors were praying.

   29. LWLauren Wasser17:59

       I think everyone was praying. It was, it was really dark. It was like a ... I c- I feel so bad for my mom because I can't even imagine to like what degree she ... You know, seeing me in that state, and then every moment is like, you know, this machine's going off, you know. She's literally sitting on a cot next to me, just staring and hoping that I, I'd even come to, you know? And ...

   30. SBSteven Bartlett18:23

       You were her best friend as well at that point.
5. 20:22 – 32:52

   The choice to amputate your leg

   1. LWLauren Wasser20:22

   2. SBSteven Bartlett20:22

      When was the first time you were aware that there was a suggestion of amputating anything?

   3. LWLauren Wasser20:29

      Um, for the first time, I was alone in the ICU at St. John's, and it was just me sitting there and my feet were just constantly on fire. Like, it literally felt as though someone was sitting there just lighting my foot on fire. Like, the burning sensation was insane. Um, and my- my right leg was worse than my left. My toes on my left side were turning purplish-pink, um, but my right side, there was a lot more damage, you could tell. And so then the concern came in of basically they need- they needed to amputate my right leg to save my life or I was gonna die, and I had no idea about any of that. So I'm laying there, my room is empty, and there's a nurse that comes in and she's on the other side of me behind a curtain, and I can hear their conversation. And she's saying, "I have, uh, a young girl here who's 24 years old who's going to need a right leg below-the-knee amputation, and we need to get her in bed right away and into hyperbaric as soon as possible." So she's on the phone to UCLA to get me into UCLA because they- they have the best, um, hyperbaric, uh, chambers there that basically it's, like, 200% oxygen that you go into, and it basically just- just, like, gets everything moving and the blood flow to everything, and... So they were trying to get me a room, and I just remember hearing, like, I just remember, like, looking around and being like, "Is she-? She's talking about me. Like, she's- she's saying that I'm an amputation, like..." And I just fucking started screaming. And I was screaming for my mom, I was screaming for my god- I was screaming for everyone. I was like, "Do not let this person, do not let anyone touch me. Do not let this... Like, what is she saying? Like, tell her that's not true." Like, just completely unaware of, like, the severity of the situation for myself. And yeah, it was- that was probably the first time where I, like, even heard the word amputation.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett22:35

      I can't believe you overheard it.

   5. LWLauren Wasser22:37

      Yeah. It was, like, shocking. And then from there, I think I just was like, "I'm fucking doomed." Because, like, you know, being able to just walk and move, and obviously being an athlete, and not having your legs, like, I couldn't even f- wrap my head around that. Like, what does that even look like?

   6. SBSteven Bartlett23:02

      You overhear that behind a curtain. You start screaming. What happens then?

   7. LWLauren Wasser23:09

      I think too, it's like, um, being able or just being a normal human being, you never even think about what that looks like, what m- that even entails of having to live with or having to even, you know, put a leg... Like, you just- your mind doesn't even go there because why would it? You know? And so for me, just knowing what that did look like and what I knew of people with, you know, prosthetics or whatever, I just- I was like, "This is- this is not gonna happen. Like, this cannot happen to me. This is not reality. This is, like, a fucking nightmare that I just really hope is gonna end soon."

   8. SBSteven Bartlett23:47

      Did your mother come running in? You- you-

   9. LWLauren Wasser23:49

      Yeah. She- she came running in and she was just, like, trying to calm me, but obviously it was like, she probably knew too, but it was just a shock. It was just, like, how? I couldn't even comprehend, like, what that even meant. Um, so then they were like, "We need to get you to UCLA as soon as possible." So we went to UCLA. Um, and you know what's crazy is, like, our healthcare system is so backwards too. Like, I can look back and say I'm grateful, A, that I have health- that I had health insurance, but also that I knew people, that I knew people in substantial places and in- and in places that could help me. But if I didn't know them, I wouldn't have been given those...... luxurious, like, opportunities of even getting a bed in UCLA if my mom didn't know so-and-so, or if my godfather didn't make this call, or... Do you know what I mean? And it's like, that shouldn't even be a thing. Like, everyone is a human being. Like, there is no this or that for, for life. And that was kind of, like, really... After all of this, I was like, "That's really sad that..." I don't know. L- life is kind of picked apart, like, what matters and who matters and-

   10. SBSteven Bartlett25:01

       Mm-hmm.

   11. LWLauren Wasser25:01

       ... when it matters, and what you, what cards you can pull together, you know?

   12. SBSteven Bartlett25:08

       Mm-hmm.

   13. LWLauren Wasser25:09

       Um, so just getting to UCLA and, and in there and getting a room, and being able to, like, have that specific healthcare and that attention, especially, when I needed it, was honestly heaven-sent, because I wouldn't have gotten what I got had I not been in connections with the people that I knew. But yeah, just getting to UCLA and immediately getting into hyperbaric and trying to see w- you know, the severity of the damage and if it was possible to even get any blood flow. Um, but... And it would be weird, because I'd go into the hyperbaric chamber and it's, like, this huge... It's probably, like, the size of this room, and you could probably fit, like, four or five people in it. And they would just wheel me in, and I'd probably have to take some, like, crazy anti, um, anxiety medicine because it's like, it's like going to the depths of the ocean. You know, they have to turn the thing, and they can't open it for anything. Like, otherwise, your, your lungs w- lungs would explode, and it's, like, it's pretty serious. And then having to, like, see your feet slowly just mummify, or your, you know, your toes turn black and, you know... This one doctor, I remember, she said something like, "Yeah, you can just go home and, you know, your toes will just fall off," and, you know. Like, this is before I got to the doctors that I needed, but that was, like, kind of the, the shit that I was presented with, of, like, people coming in and saying like, "Oh, well," you know, "this is just what's gonna happen, and after that happens then we'll figure it out." It's like, "Excuse me?" And then, like, making a call and being like, "This is absolutely, like, insane. No way is, you know, that happening," or...

   14. SBSteven Bartlett26:46

       "You just go home and your toes will fall off."

   15. LWLauren Wasser26:48

       Yeah, as if that's, like, just a thing.

   16. SBSteven Bartlett26:51

       You come out of the hyperbaric chamber. Your... I guess, the hope was, after coming out of the hyperbaric chamber, that there'd be some kind of movement in your feet or s- or something, right?

   17. LWLauren Wasser27:00

       I had to do it, like, three times a day for hours on end. It was not just, like, one thing. It was just trying to see, especially immediately, how my body was responding and if it was responding, and if there was any way they can salvage anything. And at that point, gangrene had set into my right leg and it was moving really, really fast. So that's when they were like, "We need to amputate, like, now."

   18. SBSteven Bartlett27:24

       And if they hadn't?

   19. LWLauren Wasser27:25

       Then I would die.

   20. SBSteven Bartlett27:27

       Because the insp- infection would spread from the right leg up around the body?

   21. LWLauren Wasser27:30

       So it was, like, cruising up my right leg, but it somewhat was starting in my left foot too, so my, my toes and my heel were really badly, severely damaged. So from that, but then I had my whole left leg. But on my right side, it was, like, slowly creeping too, where it was turning purplish-pink and, yeah, they were like, it was, "This is gonna move quick and it's gonna move to your heart, and you're gonna be dead." So I really didn't have an op- I didn't have an option.

   22. SBSteven Bartlett27:55

       A doctor said that to you?

   23. LWLauren Wasser27:56

       Mm-hmm.

   24. SBSteven Bartlett27:57

       With your mother there?

   25. LWLauren Wasser27:58

       Mm-hmm. And they were like, "You have a 50/50 chance of ever walking again," as far as keeping my left side, because my toes would need to be amputated. My heel needed to be debrided, and knowing this now, but, like, your heel is probably the most important part of your entire body, because there's nothing on this planet that is able to take the beating that it takes on a daily basis, whether it's standing, running, the pressure, anything. Um, that fat or that specific skin, you can't buy that on the market. There's nothing on the planet that can, you know... You can just grow it back or replace it, or, you know, do a, a transplant or something of that sort. It doesn't exist. So that was a huge concern for the doctors. And as far as, like, me being able to go back to normal life and being able to just walk normally, even if I didn't have toes, which is, people can do, but the heel was a, a huge, like, concern for theirs. And me personally, I was like... And God rest my, my godfather, I wish I would've listened to him, but he was like, "You should probably just do both and move on with your life." And just kind of like, you know, just keep chugging. But like, I couldn't even fathom what that had looked like. I was like, "There's no way. There's no way." I was like, "I have to do this slowly. I have to, like, maybe just do the one and then see what happens." But, like, there was no way I could go in there definitively and be like, "Just take them." So...

   26. SBSteven Bartlett29:33

       When it becomes clear that that's the path forward, what- what's your initial response to the doctors when they come with a definitive answer that this is the, the path we have to take? How do you receive that? How does your mom receive that?

   27. LWLauren Wasser29:44

       Oh, I was just like... S- just obviously just a nightmare, like crying, screaming, freaking out, um, you know, especially when I'm presented with the papers to have, you know, them proc- do the procedure, to take my life, I mean, like, take my legs. And, and I... It felt like my life, because that's all I knew, of, like, being an athlete, you know, being a model, looking a certain way. Um, everything I knew about myself was completely just out the door. I mean, I was 200 pounds. My head was shaved because my hair got matted 'cause they were trying to save my life, and obviously no one gives a shit about your hair when you're dying. Um, and, you know, here I am in a hospital room and being told that, you know, I'm gonna enter this operating room and come out a completely different person, and losing a part of myself. Um, it was just, it was so surreal and so scary.And, you know, then I had, like, people coming in with prosthetics and, like, showing me how they're, how they live their lives. And, you know, my god- my grandpa is from the army, so he was like, "You know, you're just like these guys that go and get blown up." And, and at that time, I was so, like, depressed and it was such a dark time that I was like, "I'm not, I didn't sign up for this. This is not what I asked for." Like, I didn't sign something saying, "Okay, these are the possibilities. I could die, I could lose limbs." I, I was like, "This is, this shouldn't have fucking happened," you know? Let alone, like, I'm 24 years old and now I'm having to lose a part of myself and it's something I can never, ever get back. I can never grow it back. I can't go to a surgeon to get it. Like, this is, this is gonna change my life forever.

   28. SBSteven Bartlett31:27

       And you have to sign that paper.

   29. LWLauren Wasser31:28

       And I ha- and I had no choice because otherwise, again, it was my life or it was, it was my leg.

   30. SBSteven Bartlett31:34

       Did you consider not signing it?
6. 32:52 – 37:29

   Your mother during all of this

   1. SBSteven Bartlett32:52

      Your mother during this period, she's watching her daughter be wheeled away. She's, you're 24 years old, you've, you've built a life on modeling and athletics. She's watching you be wheeled, um, away to have an amputation that day. How, what's, what's her state of mind? What's her sort of visible, um, state?

   2. LWLauren Wasser33:09

      Broken. Completely broken, completely shattered. Completely just couldn't believe that that was even what was happening. And, and it all happened so fast because obviously, you know, it's, it's my livelihood. It's, it's, "Am I gonna survive this?" Let alone, do I have time to make a decision based on am I wanting to keep my leg or not? It wasn't even an option. It was chaos. It was complete chaos.

   3. SBSteven Bartlett33:35

      What did she say to you before you, um, you get wheeled into the operating room?

   4. LWLauren Wasser33:39

      "I love you," and she, I just remember her, like, grabbing herself, 'cause she was, like, obviously screaming and crying, but, like, trying to, like, not hide it from me, but, like, she couldn't even look at me being wheeled back because she knew. You know, it was like she just had to, like, turn and just, like, cry and scream and hold it in as best as she could to be strong. Um, but yeah, me screaming for her obviously didn't help and I just felt like there was no control. I, I couldn't even just get up and fucking run if I wanted to. That's the irony of it, is, like, I was literally, physically stuck no matter what, and I was just having to do this. And it, it was, yeah, it was horrible.

   5. SBSteven Bartlett34:20

      She, she kissed your, your leg.

   6. LWLauren Wasser34:23

      Mm-hmm. And my feet.

   7. SBSteven Bartlett34:25

      She kissed your leg and your feet?

   8. LWLauren Wasser34:27

      Mm-hmm.

   9. SBSteven Bartlett34:28

      Before you were wheeled in?

   10. LWLauren Wasser34:29

       Mm-hmm. I mean, as a mother, you know, your newborn baby, toes and feet and seeing, you know, it's, you just never would think that that would ever happen, especially to your child or s- your, your loved one.

   11. SBSteven Bartlett34:45

       I can't imagine what she was going through. Um, 'cause we often, you know, we th- we often think about the person who is going through the medical condition, but the, the people around them, especially pe- someone as close as your mother, who is your best friend and you've, you've lived your lives together since, since you were born, I can't imagine the, the, the sort of trauma and the, you know, the uncertainty that she was living with as well. Like, have you, have you had conversations subsequently ab- with her about what she went through in those moments?

   12. LWLauren Wasser35:17

       No. I mean, it's sad because I feel like God has blessed me so much. I'm so lucky, not only to just be alive, but I have everything I could need and more and I, I forget every single day that I don't have legs. Like, I don't even think about it. The only time I think about it is when I gotta pee in the middle of the night and, like, you know, going in the ocean, like, there's certain things I, I can't do. You can't just run in there 'cause, you know, I have metal and I have screws and I have bolts and so, like, rust. But, like, I don't even think about it. Never. And I don't even think about what happened, the trauma. I, and a lot of that, you know, maybe is true, like I'm suppressed and I've just kind of moved on. But really, I'm just the happiest human. But when I am with my mom, it is something where she's so fixated on the trauma, right, of what happened and I think it's, lives with her more so than me. And it's sad because I hate that because I wish that she can just live her life and know that, and live and know that, like, I'm more than okay. Like, God's got me and He's had me this whole time. Like, you don't have to worry. But I think as a mother and knowing the shit that I don't even fucking know that she had to go through and the decisions she had to make, I mean, she was, like, writing down everything, calling everyone. You know, making sure that I had the best of the best, making sure she, like, took the notes and, and the nurses and the doctors and, I mean, she was amazing. And so I know that she definitely saw and felt way more than I could even-... understand or, you know, gather from her and- and- and I just hope that one day she can let it go because I have, you know? And I just- I want that freedom for her.

   13. SBSteven Bartlett37:01

       Have you- have you spoken to her about this?

   14. LWLauren Wasser37:04

       Yeah. But I think it's just- it's just hard. I mean, I- I can't imagine what she must have felt and seen and- You know. It was- it was hard. It was everyday was like, "Are we gonna make it?" You know? It was- it was a lot.

7. 37:29 – 50:35

   The period after the operation, suicidal thoughts

   1. SBSteven Bartlett37:29

      You- you come out of the operating room. How long were you in there?

   2. LWLauren Wasser37:35

      Uh, I don't know how long I was in there, but I was in there for a while. And I just remember waking up and the doctor coming to me and he's like, um ... Basically my heart freaked out during the operation because I had two heart attacks when I first went into the hospital, so my heart was already kind of freaking out and not in the best state. And then through the operation, I think some complications or something happened. So I woke up and I'm sitting there, and I won't look at my leg, I didn't. I- I probably didn't look at my leg for months. Like, I couldn't even acknowledge that that even happened. So I just remember sitting up and being like, not even acknowledging it. The doctors were coming in and talking to me and they're telling me that I had, you know, some sort of complication. And they're like, "So Lauren, for the next 24 hours, we cannot give you any pain medicine." This is right after I had my leg amputated, like chopped off. And he's like, I guess basically because of all the medicine and stuff, it- like, something about they couldn't ... I don't know, my- my- m- it was about me staying alive and not like having my heart like freak out, having an- another heart attack or whatever. I don't really remember the gist of it 'cause clearly I was so, like, not even really present. But when I heard those words I was just like, "What?" So literally for 24 hours they put me in my own little room and I felt every single thing that was done to me. I was throwing shit, I was screaming, I was crying. I felt like a shark had just fucking ripped through my leg. And, yeah, like n- my mom couldn't be in the room, like no one could be 'cause I was just screaming and crying and just freaking out because like, not only was that traumatic enough having to like have my leg chopped off but then to have to really feel what was just done to me, and have like- have to actually just deal with it was on another level, and that's something like a lot of people don't know but that was really crazy.

   3. SBSteven Bartlett39:49

      It's just unimaginable. It's just like ... Y- you've used the word God quite a few times.

   4. LWLauren Wasser39:57

      Mm-hmm.

   5. SBSteven Bartlett39:59

      Were you religious before this happened? And are you religious, are you still religious now?

   6. LWLauren Wasser40:04

      Yeah. I definitely, I definitely was r- m- I mean I'm not like, you know ... I just, I believe in a higher power, I believe j- I believe in God, I believe that, you know, there's something definitely directing my steps. Like I would not be here if there wasn't. There's no way I would be alive if there wasn't a purpose for my life, and there is definitely. Obviously now I- I can say that but like going through all of that, um, I think there definitely was a moment when I was pissed at God and didn't understand why this had happened. Um, but I know that in the process of like going through depression and- and suicide and- and even having those thoughts, every morning when I'd get in the shower and I'd have to get on like a little stool in the shower, I'd wheel myself to the shower, which is another thing, I was in a wheelchair for eight months, which is crazy. Um, and my foot, my left foot was still questionable, I didn't have the right leg, but that's kind of just where I was after I left the hospital. But every day I would wheel myself into the shower, get myself on a stool, and just fucking scream and cry and just yell at God, and wanting to like think about ways I could kill myself and end my life that day.

   7. SBSteven Bartlett41:21

      Really?

   8. LWLauren Wasser41:22

      And every day that I did that, something inside was like, "Just hold on." There was something that just like, in my- in my soul was like, "Just hold on." And, I mean it all makes sense now but for those moments it was definitely like hard.

   9. SBSteven Bartlett41:55

      Just hold on?

   10. LWLauren Wasser41:56

       Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I, and trusting the process and trusting and believing that like, you know, this madness is just temporary and this is, it'll all just make sense, just- just hold on kid. Just like don't- don't- don't pull the trigger.

   11. SBSteven Bartlett42:16

       And you- you seriously considered that during those times?

   12. LWLauren Wasser42:20

       I mean obviously not pulling the trigger, I didn't have a gun. But if I did have access to one I'm sure I probably wouldn't be here. I- it was- it was to that extent of like every day, you know, waking up and just couldn't even believe or even know how in the hell I got to where I was. You know, 200 pounds, head shaved, one leg, another leg that's questionable. Um, just the excruciating pain that I was in.... and just life continuously moving, right? Everything's happening and I'm just having to stand still, sit still and, and be present with this nothingness but just darkness. And it was my mom and I and my little brother, and I just... He would be the first one coming home every day. And every time I thought about killing myself, I always thought, like, he would be the first one to find me. And, and obviously my mom too, but, like, not having them have to live with that for the rest of their life. I think really it was like, I couldn't do that, so. Obviously, it never happened but it was, it was for sure an every moment thought. Especially, like, in just being in so much pain and, like, having every part of yourself removed. Sorry, I don't know why, why I'm crying but... Yeah.

   13. SBSteven Bartlett44:00

       When I hear your story, I, it, you know... And this is, I think, why I asked the question about faith in God, is it feels just like the deepest injustice.

   14. LWLauren Wasser44:09

       Mm-hmm.

   15. SBSteven Bartlett44:10

       You know? It feels just like such a deep injustice, and it feels f- for, for that to happen to you, it... My, my head just goes, you know, like, like, "How is this, how is this fair?" And then to hear the suffering that you endured from then after, I just, I just can't understand a world where someone puts, uh, a tampon in and then they have to endure such suffering. And it just... It's hard to make sense of. Like, even for me hearing it, I just can't make sense of a world where that, that could happen to someone. What, what, what are, what are your thoughts at that moment about this point of injustice? Are you feeling a sense of injustice? Are you asking yourselves the questions?

   16. LWLauren Wasser44:54

       Yeah, it's... I think back then, I was so concerned with every moment and surviving every moment and trying to just live, um, that I didn't really think of how fucked up this is. That, you know, I, I'm doing a documentary and so I have, like, 90 hours of footage that was filmed during this whole process because I was going to die because of damages, because of the reality of just documenting everything that I had to go through and the trauma of it all. Um, and when I look back on it and I see myself, my, my 24-year-old self, especially in that state, it's really sad because I'm like, "I was so innocent, and I was so young, and I had this entire life and journey ahead of me." And it was like, "How did I deserve that?" Just crazy. Like, I didn't do anything wrong. I was using the product as I should. I, I did everything I was supposed to. And, you know, it's just crazy that that is so powerful and toxic, and it's... And, and, and again, it's almost sad because, again, I'm the lucky one, that I'm here being able to speak about this. Um, but there are so many women that you'll never see. You'll never hear their stories. You'll never see their faces. You'll never hear the trauma they experienced because they're no longer here. And so, it's my duty to, A, share my story, but B, inform the world that this is, this is inhumane and it's just... It could easily be prevented. But again, it's greed. It's, it's cost efficiency. It's money. You know? It's, um... You know, I, I always say in my interviews, "If men's dicks were falling off tomorrow, that wouldn't happen." So why is it women are having to fight for everything, let alone what we do with our bodies, let alone with the products that we are given for something that we are just naturally having to do every month for 40-something years, you know? Why are we not a priority? Like, why are we not protected and upheld to the stature of, of men? We're, we're, we're 50% of the population, and also, we make life. We create life. It just seems so crazy to me. But again, we're in 2023 and, and those men are still making decisions about what women do with bo- their bodies and their choices on, on how they, you know, approach what they want to do with themselves and their lives. It's, it's crazy.

   17. SBSteven Bartlett47:49

       You come out of hospital. You're in... You're wheelchair-bound for eight months. Um, you're, you're living at home at this point?

   18. LWLauren Wasser47:55

       Yeah.

   19. SBSteven Bartlett47:56

       With your m- woman-

   20. LWLauren Wasser47:56

       With my mom and my brother, yeah.

   21. SBSteven Bartlett47:58

       What impact does it have on your brother? He's, he's 10 years younger than you, so he's what? A 14, 15-year-old kid.

   22. LWLauren Wasser48:04

       Yeah.

   23. SBSteven Bartlett48:04

       Um, he is now firsthand... He's got a first sort of person perspective to real trauma and suffering in someone he loves. And at 14, you know? Ugh.

   24. LWLauren Wasser48:16

       I can't even imagine. I mean, I think that's also why there's a lot of, um... I think it's hard. I've realized in my situation that everyone that was with me in those moments, it was so heavy and dark for such a long period of time. Again, like you said prior, it's not just about me going through this situation. It's, it affects every single person. It's like a domino effect, and everyone's gonna deal with it differently. Um, and a lot of people, especially them being so young, you know, just have to go through even that with me, not even experiencing firsthand, was traumatic.

   25. SBSteven Bartlett48:53

       Hmm.

   26. LWLauren Wasser48:54

       ... you know? So let alone my 14, 15-year-old brother who's having to see, you know, their sister in this state, you know? And then having to be so depressed and so angry and just pushing and punching everything away from me as far as I could because I didn't want to be here anymore. And him having to experience that, I'm sure, has taken a toll. And it makes me sad because it- it's, it just, this whole thing is, is, is just so dark and it just goes back to, yeah, it just affects everyone differently. And, and I'm lucky that I've been able to get to this place because, you know, I've, I've done a lot of the work. I've had to actually sit with myself and deal with it. But it's hard to go there. It's hard to, to dig deep and to have to face the reality of, of what you faced, especially in those moments. And who knows when that will be and if that will ever be, but, you know?

   27. SBSteven Bartlett49:55

       What, for tho- ... You mean for those around you?

   28. LWLauren Wasser49:57

       Yeah.

   29. SBSteven Bartlett49:57

       If they'll also go sit and do the work?

   30. LWLauren Wasser50:00

       Yeah. And, like, I think too, it's, like, to see me in such a place now where I'm okay, I think a lot of people forget, like, that I, that I went through that too. Like, they just see me now and, like, everything's great, but... And I see myself now and everything's great, but again, I, I'm at a different place when a lot of people still have to maybe sit with the things that I maybe wasn't aware of or I was in a coma or wh- ... You know, the decisions and, and the talks that w- happened when, you know, it was, it was crucial to my wellbeing and t- even if I was gonna survive or not.

8. 50:35 – 1:00:22

   Life after losing your legs

   1. LWLauren Wasser50:35

   2. SBSteven Bartlett50:35

      When, when you came out of hospital and you spent a w- your, the next eight months in a wheelchair, in real pain.

   3. LWLauren Wasser50:41

      Mm-hmm.

   4. SBSteven Bartlett50:42

      Um, depressed?

   5. LWLauren Wasser50:45

      Mm. Very.

   6. SBSteven Bartlett50:46

      What were your prospects for life in your own, from your own perspective? What were you thinking your life was? If you thought about the future, if at all, what was the future for you in those moments?

   7. LWLauren Wasser50:57

      I didn't have one. I, I definitely... I think that's also why I was so suicidal is because I had this life, you know? I had everything at my fingertips. I was able to do everything and anything, um, and there were so many goals that I wanted to achieve and to, to... I just wanted to live my life. I just thought, like... I just had so many hopes and dreams that in that moment of, like, sitting in my, my, my darkest room because I didn't want to see the world, I had it, like, completely blacked out. Um, and having to sit with myself and, like, seeing myself in a wheelchair. I mean, people who are in wheelchairs are my heroes because I don't know how they face a world that's not meant for them. It's hard. It's so hard to go outside and to go and just do the simplest things and to A, be looked at differently. Um, just things that we as p- ... People who are able to just be able-bodied or have prosthetics or move or, or whatever, how that challenges them, you know? And then face a world that kind of just looks at them and, and kind of doesn't, in a way. It's, it's hard. Like, I- I don't think if I had to be in a wheelchair would I be that strong mentally. It takes a l- a really strong person mentally to be, to live that type of life. And, uh, and I hold the utmost respect for anyone that has to live in a wheelchair or be in a wheelchair because you're fucking a rock star and so strong. And for those eight months I was just like, "There's no way I can live my life like this. There's no way I can..." It's just not accessible. The world is not accessible. I learned that. It's just not. And it's, it's... And then you're just looked down upon, which is just crazy because you're really so strong to have to, you know, just face the world every day.

   8. SBSteven Bartlett52:53

      What is that like? You said you were looked down upon. What did you learn about the way that people in wheelchairs are, are viewed?

   9. LWLauren Wasser52:59

      Well, just people with disabilities in general, I think, it's just like there's just, like, stigma of incapable. Because you maybe look a certain way or because you're confined in a certain space or... The world is not built for that.

   10. SBSteven Bartlett53:13

       Mm.

   11. LWLauren Wasser53:13

       The world is, is built for, you know, run in, walk stairs, you know, shower even, just that. Like, people forget that there are people who can't do those things and they're, a lot of the time, left out. And, and in those moments I've learned that because I faced it myself. I think in my journey it's interesting because, like, I've had to face so many different parts of life and lived so many lives for maybe shorts a period of time, but at least in those moments I've been able to relate and to live with maybe some- something that someone does have to live with forever and how strong you have to be and what it takes every day to face a world, you know, that isn't really made for you or accepting of you or, you know? Just because you, you look a certain way, you're immediately judged or, or just seen as you can't do it, and that's not true.

   12. SBSteven Bartlett54:13

       D- Were you going outside during that eight months?

   13. LWLauren Wasser54:16

       Barely. I hid myself. I, I didn't even, like, um... Yeah, maybe just to, like, somewhat get my dog outside. My mama kind of forced me, but I wouldn't. I would just definitely want to stay in my own little world, as dark as possible, and just hide.

   14. SBSteven Bartlett54:37

       As dark as possible?

   15. LWLauren Wasser54:38

       Yeah, because I didn't, I, I didn't want to see outside because I couldn't go outside. Like, I used to look at people with legs and, and be so pissed because I'm like, "Why do they have their legs and I don't?" Because you're so depressed and so, like, just in this zone of, like, you don't want to live anymore, let alone, like, you're angry at the world because just of life, because you can't live it the way that you used to. And-... yeah, you just, you just- it was just a really dark time of trying to figure out, again, "Why am I here? What am I doing? Is there a place for me?" I, I didn't think I would ever be accepted by the modeling world at all, let alone looked at, let alone find love, genuine love. Um, I- I, again, I didn't even think of life. I just thought of, "How can I get out of this misery?" And that's why I was, like, just contemplating suicide daily. Every day, I was just like, "How can I do this?"

   16. SBSteven Bartlett55:41

       It's, it's really, um, it's really, it's really just h- really hard to think about when you see no light at the end of th- the tunnel for such a long period of time. Like, there's never been- I've been through hard things in my life, but I've- there's always been h- a glimmer of light even at the end of a tunnel. And to be in a situation where you're waking up every day and there is no light at the end of the tunnel as far as you can see, but carrying on regardless...

   17. LWLauren Wasser56:07

       Well, also, my, my foot was questionable, so I'm having to go to wound care. I'm having to go to hyperbaric every day. My whole entire world shattered and I'm just sitting there with the pieces, and then I'm just in excruciating pain. I mean, the pain that I lived with for even seven years before I made the decision to amputate my, my second leg. I had- because I was so young, my body was overproducing so much calcium that my bones, even though I didn't have toes anymore, my bones were literally protruding out my skin, like, pushing and trying to basically fix the damage by, like, growing new toes. But it's impossible. So, I would have to go in and they would have to amputate that, so I'd have to get my- that cut out of me as well. I had to do the- that surgery twice. I'd have to go to wound care every, every Monday? Every other Monday, um, because my heel was so badly damaged that, again, like I told you with the skin, there's no skin on this planet that's strong enough, so I had to do apple grafts, which is, which is basically baby foreskin, um, because that's the only skin that's tough enough. And they did two transplants of that on my heel and then hyperbaric to try to get, you know, everything to kind of come together. But even doing that, I would- my sweat glands were really damaged, so I would sweat and then the- they would just kind of get really hard and stay there, and I'd have to surgically get them removed every Monday. And I was just, like, in so much pain because there was no fat pads even on, on the bottom of my- where the toes would be, so I'm just on bone. So, every time I'm stepping, I'm just like... it's just excruciating pain. It just felt like, um, you know when you have a toothache?

   18. SBSteven Bartlett57:58

       Mm-hmm.

   19. LWLauren Wasser57:58

       It's like that consistent throbbing pain that you can't get rid of, obviously until you go to the dentist, but that was something that I lived with for seven years. It's crazy. I don't know how I did it. But I just thought that I had my whole leg and I just- I, I'm the type of person that needs to exhaust all of my options before I make a decision, and that's something that I just had to do. But in a way, I wish I would've taken my godfather's advice in that moment and being like, "Just take them both." Because yeah, I can sit here now and say, "That probably would've been the best answer," but would have I survived and not killed myself? I don't know. But I think gradually doing one and learning how to live and to adapt and, you know, just how to have a prosthetic in general and to- all of the capabilities and things I can do, I had to kind of learn as a slow process in a way, I think.

   20. SBSteven Bartlett58:56

       "That was my life for seven years. I don't know how I did it." How did you do it?

   21. LWLauren Wasser59:03

       I did it (sighs) my faith, also knowing that I have this purpose, that I have to, you know, scream out on the toppest mountain that I possibly can find and yell and, and get people to pay attention, and I think realizing that I'm just the lucky one really gives me the fight for these next generations to come to not allow this to ever happen again to another soul, and to hopefully change the world to where that- this is not an issue anymore. And it may take my entire life, but that is my purpose.

   22. SBSteven Bartlett59:36

       Quick one before we get back to this episode. Just give me 30 seconds of your time. Two things I wanted to say. The first thing is a huge thank you for listening and tuning into the show week after week. It means the world to all of us, and this really is a dream that we absolutely never had and couldn't have imagined getting to this place. But secondly, it's a dream where we feel like we're only just getting started. And if you enjoy what we do here, please join the 24% of people who watch this channel regularly and have hit the subscribe button. It means more than I can say. And if you hit that subscribe button, here's a promise I'm gonna make to you. I'm gonna do everything in my power to make this show as good as I can now and into the future. We're gonna deliver the guests that you want me to speak to, and we're gonna continue to keep doing all of the things you love about this show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Back to the episode.

9. 1:00:22 – 1:10:19

   Therapy & acceptance

   1. SBSteven Bartlett1:00:22

      Did you get therapy during that period, those eight months?

   2. LWLauren Wasser1:00:25

      Mm-hmm.

   3. SBSteven Bartlett1:00:25

      Was there any sort of psychological support?

   4. LWLauren Wasser1:00:27

      Yeah, definitely. I had a lot of that. Um, and it's interesting because during that process, obviously it was- I was so dark and so... just not wanting to be here, but the one consistent thing, which is the irony of it all is, like, my grandpa telling me about the, um, the veterans that, that come back and, and all this stuff, and just me being like, "No, no, no. I d- I don't understand that. I don't understand that comparison." Then my therapist at the time was working at the VA and she was like, "You know what? You should really come talk to some of these guys and see, you know, how, how they're living their lives." I was just like, "No, this is not the same." Cut to...... my prosthetic guy, Peter Harsh, who's incredible. He's down in San Diego. He's an angel. Like, he's just the best at what he does.

   5. SBSteven Bartlett1:01:15

      Who is he?

   6. LWLauren Wasser1:01:15

      His name is Peter Harsh.

   7. SBSteven Bartlett1:01:17

      What does he do?

   8. LWLauren Wasser1:01:17

      Uh, he's, uh, my prosthetist.

   9. SBSteven Bartlett1:01:18

      Prosthetist.

   10. LWLauren Wasser1:01:19

       Um, but he's, like, the best in the world and literally an angel. I got recommended to go down to him because I'm an athlete, and I, you know, I'm young, and I'm active, and I want to live my life. And so he would be setting me up for that lifestyle that I'd want, and he's the guy to see. So, I got recommended to go to him. But in that time period of having to sit kind of, like, like this, but around a table in his office or his facility, he's dealing with a lot of the veterans, and he's the one that gets them and fights the VA to get them taken care of. And it's just so interesting that I've had to sit in this chair amongst all of these amazing individuals and hearing their stories and learning about the fight and, and just the resilience of them. And finally seeing what everyone was kind of saying as far as the comparison or, like, "You are just like them," and me never understanding. But the common denominator when I look around the room is we didn't kill ourselves. We are alive. We chose to live, and we all had that moment in our journeys, however we lost our legs, to want to give up, to want to pull the trigger, to want to end it all, and we fought to be in that chair. And that was like... It just came so first, full circle for me, and it was just, like, this beautiful kind of, like, aha moment of, like, roll with the punches of life regardless of how they come at you. It's, it's about, you know, how you react to it. What's your choice gonna be? And to know that we all made that choice is, like, you know, incredible.

   11. SBSteven Bartlett1:03:00

       Not an easy choice to make though, is it, that acceptance you describe?

   12. LWLauren Wasser1:03:04

       Mm-mm. No.

   13. SBSteven Bartlett1:03:07

       I think that's kind of, that's kind of what I'm, I'm really, I'm really curious about is the journey one goes on where they, at first, they try and fight the thing that's happened to them and then that whole contemplation around the injustice. "Why me? This was preventable. Um, this is unfair." You're looking out your window, you said, and seeing people with legs, and I read that you were even annoyed at the sunshine.

   14. LWLauren Wasser1:03:28

       Mm-hmm.

   15. SBSteven Bartlett1:03:29

       Um, you go through that chapter, which is, it's a real, it's a conflict, right? It's a conflict with one's self and the nature of what's happened. And then at some point, you arrive over this other side where you used the word acceptance. You kind of accept it, and you make, as you said, a choice. You realize that there's a choice you can make.

   16. LWLauren Wasser1:03:47

       Mm-hmm.

   17. SBSteven Bartlett1:03:48

       Um, that whole journey, because, you know, whether someone's had an amputation or not, there's so many people in their lives right now that are, something's happened to them.

   18. LWLauren Wasser1:03:57

       Mm-hmm.

   19. SBSteven Bartlett1:03:57

       They're feeling that sense of injustice. Um, you know, they're going through the motions of blame or, or guilt or whatever it might be to try and understand how it was avoidable, but the journey from that place, the conflict place, to this acceptance. What, you know, what does it take for us to get to acceptance faster, I guess is my question, because acceptance seems to be a much happier place. I mean, does-

   20. LWLauren Wasser1:04:20

       Time.

   21. SBSteven Bartlett1:04:21

       Time?

   22. LWLauren Wasser1:04:22

       Time. You can't rush it. You have no control over it. And I think that's when, it's those moments when you have to sit in it, sit with it, feel it, feel every part of it, and you have to figure out what are you going to do with what you have and what you've been given. And, you know, I had to do that. I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to be in a wheelchair, and I saw, you know, my only option was a prosthetic. But how was I going to, you know, make it cool or make it me or make it, you know, something that I could feel like, all right, like, this is my, my new self. This is my new chapter. This is my new beginning. It was more so, like, I needed to see it as a challenge first because that's how my mind operated of like, "Lauren, you have no other fucking choice. You're either gonna be depressed and kill yourself and end it, or you're gonna, you know, get the fuck up and figure out what you're gonna have to do to survive and live the best life that you know you deserve." And it was just a slow process. Slow p- Like, I wish I could've put the fast-forward and be like, "What I know now, I knew it back then," but it's impossible. I, every part of my journey and everything that I've been through has gotten me to this place. Every, every part has shaped me and molded me into who I am right now, and a lot of that had to do with me doing the work and processing and, again, seeing that our physical beings is nothing. It doesn't matter. It's like a shiny object. You can be the most beautiful person, but you can be the most sad, unfulfilled, ugly person, you know? I mean, it just, it doesn't mean anything. It's about what you do on this planet, not just for yourself, but for others. How can you leave that impact? You know? And that's kind of, like, how I now live my life every day is because, again, everyone is, is fighting something every day. And a lot of those wounds you can't see. It's mental. It's, it's trauma that you'll never speak about or talk about or whatever, but you are internally having to deal with and face on a daily basis. And I think if anyone sees me, if I'm just getting out of my car, if I'm walking to get coffee, or I'm laughing, I'm hanging, whatever, you see m- me on the cover of something, Google me, whatever, and you see that I didn't just wake up and get here, that I too had all of those feelings, that depression, that state of mind of not wanting to be here, but not allowing that to define me and to define the future that I knew that I could have for myself. You gotta see that even though things are very small, those, those big celebrations of even just getting up the next day even though you don't want to or, you know, facing something super hard or-Pushing yourself out the door when you don't want to or, you know, not taking the pills that are in front of you and (laughs) ending it. That waking up the next day is a new day, that, like, you made it from that point, so it's just about gradually building onto that. Every, every little, little challenge is a success that you've overcome and it adds up over time. And then soon enough, you'll be in a place where you're, like, looking back and being like, "Wow, I did that." And I think that's the beauty of, like, life and... the darkest times really mold us for the people that we're supposed to be.

   23. SBSteven Bartlett1:07:53

       It's so incredible because, you know, we've all... everyone in their own lives feels like they've overcome something, right? And the degrees in which... the, the, the mountains that they've overcome are all different sizes. And that's why your, your advice there is so unbelievably important and powerful because it is life advice for us all. It's not, um, someone who has an amputation advice, in that I saw... as you were speaking, I saw all of the struggles I've been through in my life and the process, the things you're saying about time, community, meeting other people that have been th- been through hardships that you can relate to, and that making you feel like you belong and you're understood and your plight is, is, um, a human plight. You're not, you know, broken or, or, or, or, or... there's nothing wrong with you, this is what it is to be a human. I, I was... as you were speaking as well, I was thinking about this idea of strength and i- that it's so tempting to say, "Oh my God, you're so strong." And in any... in the context of how someone might view you and say you've got incredible strength, which you have, um, there's also this other side of using the word strength which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, because when we think of strength, sometimes we think of, like, hmm.

   24. LWLauren Wasser1:09:03

       Mm-hmm.

   25. SBSteven Bartlett1:09:04

       Just kind of like, "Buckle up."

   26. LWLauren Wasser1:09:06

       Yeah, yeah, yeah.

   27. SBSteven Bartlett1:09:06

       But actually, I think, from what I've learned from doing this anyway, the path to strength is actually often being okay to be vulnerable and, and be what some people might describe as, quote-unquote, "weakness," which is like being willing to talk.

   28. LWLauren Wasser1:09:19

       Mm-hmm.

   29. SBSteven Bartlett1:09:19

       And being willing to cry, and being willing to hold your hands up and say, "I need help." Um, and it's almost ironical- ironic that that's the path to strength, that sometimes vulnerability and saying, "I need help" is the path to... does that make sense?

   30. LWLauren Wasser1:09:34

       Yeah. But it's also owning it.
10. 1:10:19 – 1:12:50

    Making the decision to amputate the other leg

    1. LWLauren Wasser1:10:19

    2. SBSteven Bartlett1:10:19

       You make the decision some years later, I think six or seven years later, that you, um, you wanted to amputate the second leg, your left leg. Why?

    3. LWLauren Wasser1:10:30

       I wanted my life back. I wanted my freedom. I was turning 30 and I was like, "I want to be a mom. I'm an athlete. I wanna just be able to run. I wanna feel the, the wind in my hair, uh, you know, the wind on my face. I, I just wanna be able to move." Movement is so important, and I wasn't able to do that with that leg. It was holding me back. It was holding me back from living my truth. And I knew it was the best decision that I was going to make for myself, and it is. I never ever look back and say, "Oh, I shouldn't have done it." I more so look back and say, "I should've done it sooner," or, "I wish I would've done it sooner," I guess.

    4. SBSteven Bartlett1:11:08

       On The Today Show, you said, um, losing your first leg saved, saved your life, and losing the second le- leg gave you your freedom.

    5. LWLauren Wasser1:11:15

       Mm-hmm.

    6. SBSteven Bartlett1:11:19

       Which is so interesting. It's such a... it's such an interesting, um, unexpected thing to hear, that losing your second leg is the thing that allowed you to, to have your freedom. How did life change once you'd made that decision and you'd gone through that operation?

    7. LWLauren Wasser1:11:33

       So I didn't have toes, and then, uh, my heel was still just... it just would never be normal again. And it was just like, "Why am I going... this is not living. I'm just getting by. I'm just waking up and going to the doctor's, or I'm not going an- and tak- going for a run. I'm not gonna go and play basketball. I'm not gonna be able to just walk down the street comfortably." You know, I, I definitely... even, like, right in the beginning, like, I would wear hoodies and sweatpants. I mean, you can see th- the heatwave here right now. That's kind of what I was in. But I was in, like, you know, huge sweatshirt, huge sweatpants, making sure, like, no one could see that I didn't have a leg, because I was so scared of what other people would think, I... I just was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of what happened. I didn't... I just didn't know wh- what was happening or what would happen next because it was so unknown. So I was just trying to, like, still, I guess, live in this world that I thought was of that girl-

    8. SBSteven Bartlett1:12:34

       Mm-hmm.

    9. LWLauren Wasser1:12:34

       ... but I was no longer that girl.

    10. SBSteven Bartlett1:12:36

        And this was your god... was it your godfather's advice, was to... at the time when you first had... the incident first happened, your godfather's advice was to amputate both legs?

    11. LWLauren Wasser1:12:44

        Yeah.

    12. SBSteven Bartlett1:12:45

        And by the time you, you'd gone through that decision to amp- amputate the left leg as well, was your godfather still

11. 1:12:50 – 1:17:24

    Losing your godfather

    1. SBSteven Bartlett1:12:50

       around?

    2. LWLauren Wasser1:12:51

       He, he was around, um, but then shortly after, he died in a horrific horri- uh, car accident, which was, is really crazy because he literally sat with me every single day, you know, hoping and praying that I would survive, um, you know, playing Bob Marley's Three Little Birds and singing to me, you know, and then cut to he's killed, and I'm okay.So, it's just like, how that happened is insane, but...

    3. SBSteven Bartlett1:13:24

       And he was like your father?

    4. LWLauren Wasser1:13:25

       Yeah. He was incredible. He was, um, one of the biggest sports agents in the world for basketball. Um, and he was just like 007, like so swaggy, so cool, like, you know, had the Aston ... And he just lived this, like, cool lifestyle and was just the coolest guy and was so smart and loving and sweet and, yeah, just, just everything I didn't have within a, a fatherly figure. He definitely was my rock, um, in that aspect of life up until, you know, the very end.

    5. SBSteven Bartlett1:14:02

       How does- how does- how does losing him impact you at that, that point in your life?

    6. LWLauren Wasser1:14:07

       It was hard. It was just like, I literally had just amputated, so I was on crutches. Um, I had just bought a house, so I was like really wanting him to come over and see it. And, you know, I still have a voicemail that I missed his call and the voicemail was like, "Hey, let me know, like, when I can come over and, and finally see, you know, the crib, and check it out," and blah, blah, blah. And it was like that was it. And then, like, I think a few days later, he died. But it's just, it's just crazy 'cause I know he's proud of me and I know that, like, I have so many angels that I carry with me and I just know that he's, he's along on this journey and I know he's super proud of me. So, if I can ... You know, I live with that, so ... And he has an amazing little son that's the best as well, so he's- he's still here in a lot of different ways.

    7. SBSteven Bartlett1:15:04

       And he's aware how much he helped you through that- through that period?

    8. LWLauren Wasser1:15:07

       I think he's still really young, but I- but it's- it's interesting 'cause, like, you know, for kids to see me, like, kind of like a robot or like a superhero. You know, I walk out and then they just see these gold legs and it's like ... It's interesting 'cause a lot of kids at first don't even notice them.

    9. SBSteven Bartlett1:15:24

       Mm-hmm.

    10. LWLauren Wasser1:15:25

        And then when they do, then they're just fixated. Then they're just, like, staring, and then they're just, like ... There was this one little boy, I remember being in- in, uh, Switzerland in the airport, and he literally sat on top of his suitcase, kept rolling up his pant leg, looking at his leg, looking at me, looking at his leg, looking at me. And then I remember his mom was like, you know, "Can he- can he ask you a question or something?" And I was like, "Of course." So like he came over and then he started to, like, try to race me in the airport 'cause he wanted to see how fast I was. And then he was, like, touching my leg and feeling it. I was like, "I'm like a superhero. I'm- I'm like a, a robot." And he's like, "Yeah." And then at the end of it, he's like tugging on his mom's shirt and he's like, he's like, "Mommy, Mommy, I want a golden leg." (laughs)

    11. SBSteven Bartlett1:16:03

        (laughs)

    12. LWLauren Wasser1:16:03

        And I was just like, "Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool, I must say." But again, that's just like... I've learned too, it's like in- in- in this journey that owning it and accepting it and being okay with it, it only attracts people's curiosity instead of shunning them away or making them feel like they shouldn't ask the questions. And especially with young kids, their- their brains are like sponges and they're curious. And a lot of people, you know, that may look different, their- their mothers or their parents are probably like, "Don't look. Don't stare. Don't..."

    13. SBSteven Bartlett1:16:34

        Mm-hmm.

    14. LWLauren Wasser1:16:34

        And that's not what you should do. Let them ask the questions. Like, I'm an open book, but like, I think giving little kids that idea of there is something wrong-

    15. SBSteven Bartlett1:16:44

        Mm-hmm.

    16. LWLauren Wasser1:16:45

        ... don't ask, don't question. It should be like you should ask the questions and you should wonder, because that kid now is going to see someone like myself or s- just think that I'm the coolest thing-

    17. SBSteven Bartlett1:16:58

        Mm-hmm.

    18. LWLauren Wasser1:16:58

        ... on the planet, instead of leaving thinking that there's something wrong or that I'm incapable or unable to do something.

    19. SBSteven Bartlett1:17:04

        Mm-hmm.

    20. LWLauren Wasser1:17:05

        So I think it just ... The perception of, I think, how you just carry yourself is really important because you don't know who's watching. And it's usually the ones that, like, are in the ... You know, the little ones. And those are the ones that are this next generation, or the generations to come.

    21. SBSteven Bartlett1:17:23

        Golden

12. 1:17:24 – 1:21:40

    Why golden legs?

    1. SBSteven Bartlett1:17:24

       legs.

    2. LWLauren Wasser1:17:25

       Golden legs.

    3. SBSteven Bartlett1:17:26

       Why golden?

    4. LWLauren Wasser1:17:28

       Um, it was 2012, obsessed with Rihanna.

    5. SBSteven Bartlett1:17:31

       (laughs)

    6. LWLauren Wasser1:17:31

       Um, and the irony of- of Rihanna is that my mom had got me tickets to go see her, and I was so depressed and in a wheelchair and I was so embarrassed and I was like, "I'm not gonna go." So I didn't go. Cut to she hires me for Savage, and it was just so, like, full circle moment for me too 'cause I'm like, "Rihanna's hiring me for her brand." And I- I was so embarrassed to go the concert. It's just crazy life. But anyway, now she's married to A$AP, or- and, you know, has babies with A$AP, and A$AP was the reason why I chose the golden legs because he had the golden grill. Like, he was all about that, especially at that time. That was his thing, his gold teeth. And I was like, "You know what? I- I may not have gold teeth right now, but I- I'm gonna get some gold legs." And it's kinda just been my thing. And I love gold. I love gold jewelry. I have a grill too. I have, you know, so many different things, but like, my legs are ... They're my jewelry piece. They're like my trophies.

    7. SBSteven Bartlett1:18:30

       It's also a statement of, um, of the kind of where- where you were with the acceptance piece because you went from the sweatpants-

    8. LWLauren Wasser1:18:38

       Mm-hmm.

    9. SBSteven Bartlett1:18:38

       ... where you're trying to hide, to the gold where you're like, "Look at this. Look how cool this is." It's a real- it's a kind of a real psychological journey to- to go from there to there.

    10. LWLauren Wasser1:18:47

        Yeah, and I think it's just about, again, finding and making it your own and figuring out what works for you and how, like ... You know, and I'm also that 001% that is so lucky to be able to have the access to the prosthetics that allow me to move the way I do, that allow me to walk the way I do. You know, prosthetics are so expensive. Um, and-

    11. SBSteven Bartlett1:19:10

        Tell me the ... 'Cause I'm an ... Obviously I don't know about pros- like, prosthetics, in terms of detail.

    12. LWLauren Wasser1:19:13

        So pro- so prosthetics are really expensive because, like, the feet are what allow you to do everything.

    13. SBSteven Bartlett1:19:19

        Right.

    14. LWLauren Wasser1:19:20

        Um, and healthcare ... Like, God forbid, someone goes and get hit by a car, tomorrow they're just given the basic-... needs that are gonna be met, which is just like a peg leg that just gets you from point A to point B. Anything that's allowing you to basically get back to your livelihood, meaning running, biking, swimming, any of that stuff, going into the ocean even, that's a luxury considered. So healthcare doesn't really provide you with that option. So I'm grateful that I'm, that I'm sponsored by ÖSSA, who's, um, a prosthetic company out of Iceland, that they're so advanced and so, like, ahead of the game, um, that they've made my feet to where it's like the blade is like an ankle-

    15. SBSteven Bartlett1:20:07

        Mm-hmm.

    16. LWLauren Wasser1:20:07

        ... to where, like, the mobility and flexibility is just like as if I had m- a foot. Um, my blades are, my running blades, um, they're like $125,000 and that's just to run.

    17. SBSteven Bartlett1:20:22

        Just to run.

    18. LWLauren Wasser1:20:23

        And, I mean, these are expensive too. My legs are probably like $100,000, but these are just because the feet, and then, you know, the technology that goes into them, and then, you know, the whole leg or whatever, j- it's- it's- it's a process and it's also just sad that I'm lucky that someone can't just get back to their life. Like, that's why, um, this foundation called ch- um, Challenged Athletes Foundation, CAF, and they work with getting their people their lives back by getting them legs that they need to get back to just living their everyday life.

    19. SBSteven Bartlett1:20:57

        If you've been listening to this podcast over the last few months, you'll know that we're sponsored and supported by Airbnb, but it amazes me how many people don't realize they could actually be sitting on their very own Airbnb. For me, as someone who works away a lot, it just makes sense to Airbnb my place at home whilst I'm away. If your job requires you to be away from home for extended periods of time, why leave your home empty? You can so easily turn your home into an Airbnb and let it generate income for you whilst you're on the road. Whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little bit more fun, your home might just be worth more than you think. And you can find out how much it's worth at airbnb.co.uk/host. That's airbnb.co.uk/host. So

13. 1:21:40 – 1:26:28

    What causes TSS?

    1. SBSteven Bartlett1:21:40

       I wanna come back to this, um, what caused all of this. You've been campaigning for some time. You've spoken to government officials about how to prevent this happening to other people. Um, zooming in specifically on what causes TSS, it's these synthetic chemicals that are put into tampon products that are, that a lot of b- big brands still have on shelves all around the world today. I'm an idiot when it comes to tampons. So if you had to explain this to an idiot.

    2. LWLauren Wasser1:22:13

       So basically, a- a tampon, it goes inside of us-

    3. SBSteven Bartlett1:22:16

       Mm-hmm.

    4. LWLauren Wasser1:22:17

       ... at a really delicate moment when our body is, we're bleeding. We're trying to get that blood out, but yet we're putting something in us that's basically like a corkscrew.

Episode duration: 1:46:55