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The Diary of a CEOThe Diary of a CEO

Steve-O: Childhood Trauma, Addiction, Mocking Death & Craving Attention!

In this new episode Steven sits down with Stephen Glover, better known as the star of Jackass, Steve-O. 0:00 Intro 03:07 Early context 07:54 Your mother addiction 17:33 How I got validation 23:13 Why stunts? 27:23 I always think about death 30:05 I always think I'll lose it all 35:33 Feeling guilty about my privilege 42:51 Dealing with your mother's illness 54:20 Dealing with your mother's death 57:26 Living off a diet of coke, nitrous & hearing voices 01:00:13 Sending radical emails 01:06:23 Suicidal ideation 01:15:52 Over 15 years sober 01:18:04 Starting stand-up comedy 01:26:39 Your relationship 01:31:27 The last guest's question You can purchase tickets to Stephen’s ‘Bucket List Tour’, which we be in the UK until 14th July 2023, here: https://bit.ly/3PCTIH8 Follow Stephen: Instagram: https://bit.ly/3CXQyWQ Twitter: https://bit.ly/44hbN1R YouTube: https://bit.ly/3pIyRHH My new book! 'The 33 Laws Of Business & Life' per order link: https://smarturl.it/DOACbook Join this channel to get access to perks: https://bit.ly/3Dpmgx5 Follow me:  Instagram: http://bit.ly/3nIkGAZ Twitter: http://bit.ly/3ztHuHm Linkedin: https://bit.ly/41Fl95Q Telegram: http://bit.ly/3nJYxST Sponsors:  Zoe: http://joinzoe.com with an exclusive code CEO10 for 10% off Huel: https://g2ul0.app.link/G4RjcdKNKsb

Steve-O (Stephen Gilchrist Glover)guestSteven Bartletthost
Jul 6, 20231h 38mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 3:07

    Intro

    1. SG

      It is of paramount importance that I find separation between me and the persona of Steve-O.

    2. SB

      Why?

    3. SG

      Ooh. We have to go back to the beginning of my journey. I didn't get attention from my parents. My dad was a businessman, and my mom suffered from alcoholism.

    4. SB

      Your father would praise you for stunts, diving headfirst for baseballs.

    5. SG

      And he'd give $1. I don't think you have to be Sigmund Freud to imagine that had something to do with becoming an attention whore. That was when I started doing dangerous stunts. I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fish Hook.

    6. SB

      Why stunts?

    7. SG

      Growing up, I've felt defective, and the thought was, I wasn't gonna live very long. So, I was lashing out at death, taunting it, but I lost my mom in 2003, and that traumatized me more than anything. I was out of control, broadcasting my downward spiral to 200 influential people in real time.

    8. SB

      You were manhandled into a psych ward.

    9. SG

      Yeah. This was gonna be my legacy, having miserably failed at life, and the, the toughest thing is that I wanted to make my mom proud.

    10. SB

      Stephen Gilchrist Glover, AKA Steve-O. Honesty. Honesty saved Steve-O's life. But the man that sits in front of me today isn't Steve-O, it is Stephen Gilchrist Glover, which is a man you've probably never met before. But once you meet Stephen Gilchrist Glover, you'll undoubtedly understand Steve-O, that guy that we grew up with, on our screens doing those crazy jackass stunts, that behind the scenes struggled with a deep discomfort of being in his own skin. Depression, drug addiction, existential panic, an obsession with attention, crippling grief, and most surprisingly and paradoxically of all, a deep, deep fear of death. It absolutely doesn't appear to make sense, but once you listen to this conversation, if you listen closely, you'll understand exactly why that's driving him. This conversation will make you laugh. It will inspire you. It will motivate you. It will challenge you. It will make you feel understood, and it will teach you what it takes and what it means to live a good life, including the role that romantic love has played in Steve-O finally living a good life. And for me, it reaffirms to me once again that in order to live that good life, in order to find that good life, we need to surrender, stop fighting life, and we need to be honest. And once we are, we might just find all of the things that we're looking for. You're gonna love this one. Steven.

    11. SG

      All right.

    12. SB

      You've lived a anomalous life.

    13. SG

      Okay.

    14. SB

      The man that sits before me today is, uh, an anomaly in many respects. It's, uh, th- the professional path you've walked is extraordinary,

  2. 3:07 – 7:54

    Early context

    1. SB

      to say the least. In order to understand you, what, what do I need to understand about your, your earliest context to understand who you are and why you walked the path you did in your life?

    2. SG

      Um-

    3. SB

      What's the first sort of domino that, that I need to understand?

    4. SG

      I would point to my, uh, lineage. My mom's side of the family is, uh, like the whole family tree, every leaf on the tree, um, suffered from alcoholism, some form of addiction, um, and, and, and at the same time, very, uh, personable, um, charismatic individuals, but just v- very alcoholic and a lot of deviants. And then my dad's side of the family is, uh, super academic, um. There's, uh, l- a lot of theologians, clergymen. Everybody's got at, at least, like, a master's degree or a PhD or s- they're, you know, highly decorated academia. And my dad broke the mold by becoming a businessman. Um, so I just kind of think that I am a little bit of a hybrid of both in that I definitely went towards deviance and suffered from alcoholism, but I had this rocket engine on it from my dad's side of the family. And as I've grown older, I think my, uh ... I'm, I'm, m- can manifest my dad's side more than my mom's side.

    5. SB

      Well, before we started recording, I said that one of the things that really surprised me, we're, we're sat in London now, was to learn that you were born in London back in 1974.

    6. SG

      Yeah. Born in Wimbledon, um, which makes me British. My mother was born in Canada, which makes me Canadian, and my father was born in America, which makes me American. I'm what you call triple national.

    7. SB

      Wow.

    8. SG

      And I hold three valid passports.

    9. SB

      I'm very jealous.

    10. SG

      It's cool.

    11. SB

      It's like having the keys to the, to the world in many respects. How, how did that impact you though? 'Cause you, you told me that you were, you were born here. Your first words were in Portuguese in Brazil.

    12. SG

      Correct. Yeah.

    13. SB

      Then you were in Venezuela, then Canada, then the USA. As a young child that's figuring out the world and figuring out where he belongs and making friends, how does that sort of destabilization impact, impact you in hindsight?

    14. SG

      I don't think you have to be Sigmund Freud to imagine that, uh, that had something to do with me becoming an attention whore. And, um, I think that it's actually-... exacerbated by the fact that when I moved to Brazil at the age of six months, um, I moved to Brazil because my father became the president of Pepsi Cola in all of Brazil, and it was just kinda living it up, you know. Um, I think that's the best way to describe it. And I didn't get much attention from my parents. I was actually raised, um, by live-in maids, which is why I spoke my first words in Portuguese. So, I think I was lacking for some attention from my parents, and I think that that has something to do, plus the instability. A- and, and always being the new kid in school, it was... I never stayed one place for more than a couple years. Um, so yeah, I, uh, I, I, I point to that for why I became such an attention whore.

    15. SB

      The, the context that you, you raised in your... Your mother's at home, your dad's very, very busy. Very successful businessman by all accounts.

    16. SG

      Yeah. Not just busy, but traveling.

    17. SB

      Okay.

    18. SG

      My, my dad was consistently gone. I, I would argue that he was gone more than he was home. And, and Mom w- was drunk, um, a lot, so I had, um... Not just, uh, lacking attention, but lacking supervision a lot of the time too.

    19. SB

      In, in 2023, we've learned a lot about addiction and alcoholism and those kinds of things. But I, I imagine, I mean, I wasn't alive then, but back in 1974, people didn't understand that behavior as clearly as they do now. D- did you understand

  3. 7:54 – 17:33

    Your mother addiction

    1. SB

      your mother's behavior when you were young? Did you understand her relationship with alcohol was a, uh, uh, an unhealthy thing or an addiction?

    2. SG

      I think so, yeah. Um, I think so because I remember, um, she would have these, these binges drinking, um, where it, it wouldn't be the case that my mom would get drunk at night and then wake up and, you know, have a hangover and, and then get drunk again the next night. It was more of a case where she would stay drunk for, for days or weeks on end. Um, and-

    3. SB

      You were, you were how old? Sorry.

    4. SG

      Oh, um, like it, it got really pretty crazy I would say when I was about eight. Certainly when I was nine it was, it was terrible. And, um, whenever my mom would, would sober up from one of her binges, she would swear that she was never gonna drink again, and invariably she would. A- and, and I, I say this because I think I really, really understood the concept of the disease of alcoholism very well, because when I would come home from school and find that my mom was drinking, I would, I would say to her, you know, "Mom, you said you were never gonna do this again." And she would explain to me that this time it was gonna be different. This time she was only gonna have a couple. And I remember knowing that that was not the case, and that's kind of the, the reality of alcoholism is that the alcoholic, once they start drinking, they cannot stop. They've lost control. And, and, and that it's, it's a characteristic of alcoholics, the idea that, that they... The illusion that one day they're gonna control and enjoy their drinking, a- and, and, uh, and they pursue this illusion into the gates of insanity or death. That's, that's, uh, how it's described. And I understood that, so I knew if Mom had one drink, I knew that all bets were off for days or weeks.

    5. SB

      You know, like you talked about lineage, like-

    6. SG

      Yeah, the family line?

    7. SB

      Yeah. Uh, what is, what is that then? Is that, is that a predisposition? Is that a genetic predisposition in your view? Or is that a, a, uh, generational trauma, you know? Did you, have you ever figured out what causes that?

    8. SG

      I understand there to be a genetic component to the alcoholism. Um, I don't know that it really matters, um, as much like, like why one becomes an alcoholic. But, um, certainly, as I said, on my mom's side of the, the family, it never skipped a generation. I mean, it got everybody. And the insanity of it, I mean, one could really describe it as, as a mental illness. I mean, they, they do say it's a disease that's centered in the mind. Um, for me to see and experience what I did as a child, like just how, how awful it got, and then for me to just pick up a drink, is, is so, is so insane. I mean, uh, if, if anybody should have known better, it should've been me. And I remember at the time, like 16 years old when I, when I started drinking regularly, I just, uh, convinced myself that what would make me different is that I was gonna enjoy it. I was gonna... I was gonna party. And, uh, it's just insanity.

    9. SB

      That, that, that speaks to the nature of the addiction and the disease though, because people, people that are outside of that situation might see it as, um, self-destructive, but clearly-

    10. SG

      Sure.

    11. SB

      ... you know, clearly it's, it can't be that. It's clearly something else because you saw how destructive it was-

    12. SG

      Right.

    13. SB

      ... and yet it still, through no choice-... you made. So, an intention you made, it- it managed to- to find you later in life. So, what about your father in this context? Is he aware that your mother's, has this disease of addiction with alcohol?

    14. SG

      Um, Mom would really do her best to get her act together by the time Dad got home from his business trips. Um, a- and with very little success, I would say. When Dad would get back, Mom would describe that- that she was ill. And- and- and Dad would believe it a lot of the time. I think Dad, uh, I mean, yeah, he knew, but, uh, but the extent of it and, um, how naive he was to- to believe that Mom just wasn't feeling well or ...

    15. SB

      Did he ... But did- did he- did he- did-

    16. SG

      I don't know. I mean, we- we- we would describe it as rose-colored glasses. Um, I don't know. And- and- and perhaps Dad was just so focused on his stuff that ... I mean, I don't even know. It would be crazy to not know, but somehow, I believe that my dad was particularly naive or- or gullible or I- I'm- I'm not sure, but ...

    17. SB

      Sometimes I think men have a predisposition to avoid conflict. (laughs)

    18. SG

      Yeah.

    19. SB

      And- and to opt for an easy life. (laughs)

    20. SG

      Right.

    21. SB

      Uh-huh.

    22. SG

      Uh, I think that that- that's probably fair, too. But man, it's, um, it just makes me really sad that, uh, that- that I lost my mom. Yeah, I lo- I lost my mom in- in 2003, um, November of 2003. And, um, I just, like, I think had we both, um, been in recovery ... I don't think anybody from my mom's side of the family ever managed to achieve long-term sobriety. I think I'm the first. And I just, I fantasize about what it would be like to, for- for my mom and I to have both gotten, you know, gotten it. What, like, what our relationship would be like. She would get such a kick out of it. I think that she would've gotten such a kick out of, um, me being successful. And she didn't get to see it, you know?

    23. SB

      Sh- she never s- she never saw it?

    24. SG

      Well, the thing w-

    25. SB

      'Cause Jackass had just started to move at that point, hadn't it?

    26. SG

      Well, the thing was that her last five years, she, um, was th- terribly disabled, both physically and mentally, because in 1998, she suffered, uh, an aneurysm, which le- which, uh ... Yeah. It, um, rendered her very disabled. So the last five years, uh, uh, it ... She- she didn't ... Sh- she had a really rough last five years. A- and- and that, um, traumatized me more than anything. She developed bedsores. She, uh, she cried in pain for- for her last five years. It- it- it was the most upsetting, the mo- the ... By far, the most traumatized I've ever been by anything, was the situation that my mom was in for her last five years. And, um ... Yeah, and- and- and it's all because of this, th- this, uh, this thing, this alcoholism. And- and had, again, like, had she been- been in recovery, had that not happened, had, like, we- we w- ... I just, again, I fantasize about what our relationship might be like today. But yeah, that started us off on a bummer. (laughs)

    27. SB

      Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's, uh, it's- it's, it really interests in context, though. Specifically this, you know, you said the thing about attention and seeking attention from, um ... In a variety of different ways, because you were destabilized in terms of your school, early schooling life. Your father's not present. I- I read that you'd said that, um, you wanted your father's approval, and as a child, your father would praise you for physical stunts, such as-

    28. SG

      Yeah.

    29. SB

      ... diving headfirst, um, (laughs) f- for baseballs or doing push-ups for your fathers and his friends.

    30. SG

      Yeah. I would do a hundred push-ups in a row for his buddies. And he'd give me, like, $1. A- and that ... Eve- everybody got a kick outta that. I loved doing it. And, uh, I don't think they were terribly impressive push-ups, 'cause 100's a lot.

  4. 17:33 – 23:13

    How I got validation

    1. SB

      you the language of love that you have. So some people are words of affirmation. That's how they kind of show and receive love. Some people are physical touch. Some people are little acts of service. Some people are gifts, for example. And it was making me, when I was reading that in your, in your book, I was thinking about how e- uh, like, that can become a love language for us. And it's funny, 'cause then I skipped to this moment later in your story where you had a heartbreak. And the way that you responded to the heartbreak to try and get attention was by-

    2. SG

      Yeah.

    3. SB

      ... doing stunts.

    4. SG

      Yeah.

    5. SB

      And I just saw this connection there, and I thought, you know, it's interesting. Some of our love languages can be, like, (laughs) stunts or ... (laughs)

    6. SG

      Sure.

    7. SB

      ... or other forms of, like, validation.

    8. SG

      Uh-huh. Uh, it- it's an interesting take on it. I remember, um ...... at the point when I had the heartbreak, and that was when I, when I really started doing dangerous stunts. Um, it, it was less for... Well, yeah, it was for attention, and I wanted this, this, this girl who had dumped me to, uh, to be worried that I would die.

    9. SB

      (laughs)

    10. SG

      Like, uh, I mean, it, it, it's crazy. But yeah, I was like, I was jumping off rooftops, into pools and, and, you know, climbing off of, like, just huge balconies and stuff. And, um-

    11. SB

      And sending her the videos or just posting them where she could see them?

    12. SG

      Um, at, at the time, there was no such thing as sending videos without going to the post office.

    13. SB

      (laughs) Okay.

    14. SG

      But yeah, I would send her in... mail videos from the post office. I would mail them to her, like, once a year.

    15. SB

      (laughs)

    16. SG

      And, and, and the videos genuinely did get radder and radder. (laughs)

    17. SB

      (laughs)

    18. SG

      Yeah, each new installment, uh, it was, um, it was wild. Yeah, it was crazy.

    19. SB

      If I'd asked you when you were a young man, in your teenage years, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" what would you have responded?

    20. SG

      Oh, man. The first actual thought I had for a career to pursue was, um, r- one in advertising. You know, um, my father had won a video camera in a golf tournament, and I stole it from his closet and began videotaping my skateboarding with my buddies. And, and I learned how to edit by plugging these video cassette recorders together, and I would hit play on one and record on the other to just record the, the good bits. And, and it was crude editing, not sophisticated.

    21. SB

      (laughs)

    22. SG

      Um, but, uh, I fell in love with the process. And clearly I wasn't that great at skateboarding, so, um, I just thought, there's something about this, uh, capturing video and then editing it to, you know, I mean, create presentations and ultimately to manipulate the video to cr- create influence. You know?

    23. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    24. SG

      There was just something really magical and powerful about that. And, um, I, I thought that that would be a great career for me. And so I went off to the University of Miami to pursue that, but I just had trouble making it to class. So I, I... Graduating from university was not in the cards. And I, I, I knew I still loved the video camera and, you know, manipulating images to, to sway people one way or the other. And, um, I decided that since I wasn't that great at skateboarding, that I would do crazy stunts. And so I literally dropped out of university in 1993 to pursue a career as a crazy famous stuntman. And there was no precedent at the time. Like, everybody who I explained that plan to-

    25. SB

      (laughs)

    26. SG

      ... legitimately felt sorry for me. Like, what a tragic loser I, I seemed to be. A- and they weren't wrong for the first, uh, three years after I left the University of Miami. I was genuinely homeless. I was, um, m- more of a couch surfer than, you know, a, a guy living on the streets. Um, but yeah, I had no home, man. And, um, I was not doing well.

    27. SB

      Quick one before we get back to this episode. Just give me 30 seconds of your time. Two things I wanted to say. The first thing is a huge thank you for listening and tuning into the show week after week. It means the world to all of us, and this really is a dream that we absolutely never had and couldn't have imagined getting to this place. But secondly, it's a dream where we feel like we're only just getting started. And if you enjoy what we do here, please join the 24% of people who watch this channel regularly and have hit that subscribe button. It means more than I can say. And if you hit that subscribe button, here's a promise I'm gonna make to you. I'm gonna do everything in my power to make this show as good as I can, now and into the future. We're gonna deliver the guests that you want me to speak to, and we're gonna continue keep doing all of the things you love about this show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Back to the episode. There's so many things that... I wanna ask this question because it, I just really want to hear it in your own words, which is like... And I've, I've try to maybe piece it together using some connected dots. But why stunts?

    28. SG

      I have a theory that, um,

  5. 23:13 – 27:23

    Why stunts?

    1. SG

      that the, the human condition is one of a, a real catch-22. We've got one instinct, which is to survive, and one guarantee, which is we won't survive. And I, and I view the human experience largely as an exercise to come to terms with our mortality, to wrap our heads around it, to become, to come to peace with it. And, um, I, I view the different ways that people do that. Um, you know, there's, there's reproduction. We have children, so then that, I think, uh, that eases people's mind about their mortality because they're, they have, uh, a legacy living on with their children that they, they won't really be dead. Then, of course, people turn to religion because they think everything's gonna be great when they go to heaven. And, and then there's people who leave stuff behind to outlive them, you know, like cavemen scrawling stick figures on the, on the cave. It, it, it seems that the- they were...... just like I described, really upset about their mortality and, and leaving this art on the cave walls to outlive them. Because I had failed in, in university the way, the way I did ... I mean, I failed every which way that you can, and every attempt that I had ever had to be employed ended in disaster. I was fired from literally every job that I ever had. So not being able to, uh, make it through school or keep a job, I felt absolutely just not qualified to navigate the world. I, I'd, I, I believed that I was going to fail at life, like badly and, and quickly. And, um, I think that this idea that, that I w- that I, I believed that I was just gonna fail at life and die very young, I think that it heightened my m- my mortality issues because even though, you know, I was, uh, I was young but, like, man, I think I was, uh, somehow, a- angry at, at the idea of, of death. And, and my theory is that I was, uh, I was lashing out at death by, by climbing off of balconies and, and just dangling fr- from my hands off, like, 12 stories and then letting go and dropping onto the balcony below. Like, that was totally life-threatening, especially how intoxicated I was while doing that. And, um, you know, I'd ... Like, like I said, I wanted that girl who dumped me to think I was gonna die. Like, there was this, this, this idea of mortality was, was very woven into all, all of, uh, the art. And so I think that I wa- I, I was, I was upset about mortality and, and lashing out at it. I was mocking death, taunting it.

    2. SB

      What? Why you? Because th- that is ... I understand at a certain level we all probably have that relationship with our mortality. But you s- seem to, more than anyone I've ever spoken to, have had a more close and adverse relationship with the concept of mortality, the concept of death. Like, you seem to ... The way, the way that I'd word it plainly is, like, you seem to have the biggest problem with death than, than an- anyone I've met.

    3. SG

      All right.

    4. SB

      Why?

    5. SG

      (laughs) Um, I think about it, and I've always thought about it.

    6. SB

      Since you were young?

    7. SG

      I'd say so. Yeah. I would, I would absolutely say that. I, I, I, I'd seem to recall

  6. 27:23 – 30:05

    I always think about death

    1. SG

      being quite young. I, I, I wouldn't know an age, but quite young and, and being in the bathtub just ... For some reason, I was thinking about, it's gonna be the year 2000. And, and, like, we weren't really anywhere near the year 2000, um, but just kind of doing math in my head, trying to calculate how old I would be at the turn of the millennium, and I, I came to, uh, 25. I'll be 25 years old, and, and the thought was, "I'll never live that long." (laughs)

    2. SB

      (laughs)

    3. SG

      (laughs) No, I'll never make it that long. That ... Um, an- and again, I don't know how old I was, but I was definitely a child when I had that thought. And, um, a- and, and the, the older I got, the more convinced I was an- that, that, um, I wasn't gonna live very long. A- and, and perhaps, you know, that's, you know, another manifestation of, of my alcoholism, but I think that, that ... I think that really ... To describe alcoh- alcoholism, there's, there's a ... Like, I felt defective, you know? I felt d- like there was just something wrong with me that, uh, things weren't gonna work, you know? And I think that that, that, to some extent, is, is a, a characteristic of alcoholism for a lot of alcoholics. Feel, like, just uncomfortable in your own skin. They describe it as restless, irritable, and discontented. Um, defective is a word that really resonates with me.

    4. SB

      Does that ... Does that ever subside?

    5. SG

      Ooh. That's a tough one because, um, I don't think so. I mean, to an extent, yeah. I, I, I'm definitely better with all that now, like, with ... But at the same time, it doesn't go away. I think that it, it, it im- im- it improves and, and, you know, fluctuates and ... But, um, what doesn't go away is this, this default setting I have that everything's not gonna be okay. You know, I live in this perpetual state of, of terrible anxiety and stress that just things are not

  7. 30:05 – 35:33

    I always think I'll lose it all

    1. SG

      gonna be okay, and I've got to just hurry up and frantically work and hustle to try to make it so everything'll be okay.

    2. SB

      I'm not surprised to hear that because it is the story I've heard over and over and over and over again, Satya.

    3. SG

      Okay. Okay, good. (laughs)

    4. SB

      You know what I mean?

    5. SG

      Yeah.

    6. SB

      A- An- and it surprises me because when ... Before I started doing this podcast and having these conversations, I assumed that, you know, something, you know, have a certain upbringing, childhood, you're, you're programmed in a certain way, you go to therapy, and it's fixed.

    7. SG

      Yeah.

    8. SB

      And it's actually been... I've, I've, I asked the question purely because I've never heard anyone say, uh, anything other than what you've said.

    9. SG

      Right.

    10. SB

      So, you know. And, and I think it's actually helpful because it helps people know that they're not, their, their efforts to heal in whatever context that they've tried to heal, um, doesn't make them inadequate. It makes them very much human that, you know, the way that we're, we're programmed and hardwired because of whatever reasons, (smacks lips) you know, it, it is, um, it is, it is not something that is easy or in many cases possible just a therapy away or it's a-

    11. SG

      Right.

    12. SB

      ... prescription away. And I think that's makes people a lot of feel, people feel better.

    13. SG

      And, and what, what's crazy too is that I think a-a-and I'm fascinated that, that you said this is something that you've heard many times and, and you-

    14. SB

      I've never not heard it.

    15. SG

      Right. Um, a-and, and I would also guess that for all of the, the successful people that you've spoken with, that they would describe having been much more at peace, much, much more serenity, much more happiness before they were successful.

    16. SB

      Yeah. Yeah.

    17. SG

      A-and, um, a-and it's so counterintuitive to imagine that that's the case, but, um, there, there's one saying that I think really explains it to a degree, which is that... This is the saying. Um, a man who has nothing only has to worry about his next meal-

    18. SB

      Hmm.

    19. SG

      ... but a man who has everything worries about his last meal.

    20. SB

      (laughs) Yes.

    21. SG

      And that, that messes me up, man. That messes me up big time because if you're just focused on the next meal, then you're in the moment, life's, you know, pretty, pretty simple. It's not too much of a task to, to accomplish finding your next meal. But once you've got your next meal covered, and then it's like, all right, and then I, I've, I've saved up some money. My, I, I'm good. My next meals are set for, for the next year. And, but then now you're thinking, "How long am I set for?"

    22. SB

      Hmm.

    23. SG

      And once you start thinking, how long am I set for, then, then, then life gets really scary when, when... Because you're not in the moment and you're, you're future tripping and everything isn't gonna be okay, and then... And, and what's even crazier is that I understand that there's been studies about, um, financial security and it's people who have upwards of $10 million net worth who, who find themselves feeling considerably more financially insecure (laughs) than-

    24. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    25. SG

      ... than anybody who has less. The more money you have, the more f- financially insecure you feel.

    26. SB

      Uh, the study that I read about this, it says that, um, they interviewed people all the way up the wealth income spectrum, and they asked them the question, how much money... How, um, how happy are you out of 10? And then they asked them the second question, which is how much money would you need to be 10 out of 10 happy? And all the way up the wealth spectrum, people said three times currently what they have now. So millionaires said they needed three million. (laughs) People with 10 million said they needed 30 to be a 10 out of 10 happiness, and people with 100K said they needed 300K, which speaks to this sort of, like, hedonic endless treadmill, um, in increasing anxiety.

    27. SG

      Right. A- and, and, um, also studies are pretty clear that, um, happiness will increase up to...

    28. SB

      Like a baseline is like 75K.

    29. SG

      Yes.

    30. SB

      Households-

  8. 35:33 – 42:51

    Feeling guilty about my privilege

    1. SG

      becoming a businessman, and he became... Like, my, my mom didn't marry a, a rich guy.

    2. SB

      Right.

    3. SG

      She, my mom married a motivated guy who, who became quite wealthy. Um, I had privilege guilt when I was a kid. I was, I was, like, quite ashamed of, um, of, of how wealthy my parents were. Per- And, and I don't understand why that is, but, um...

    4. SB

      In whose eyes? In-

    5. SG

      Like, I, I, I was, I was, uh, self-conscious about, about, um, how my peers viewed me at school.

    6. SB

      Ah.

    7. SG

      Um, as I grew older, the, the homes that we lived in, each move to each, you know, represented a, a bigger house, you know, and it, it became kind of, a little bit obnoxious. But by the end, um... When, when I was, um, attending high school a-Um, here in London, I went to the American School in St. John's Wood. And I lived directly across the street from Regents Park, on Prince Albert Road-

    8. SB

      Oh, wow.

    9. SG

      ... in this... I mean, it was a- a just gaudy, obnoxiously huge house. And, um, I never wanted kids from school to see it. So, um, I, uh, y- you know, they, we would have the, like, overnights. When you're a kid, you just-

    10. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    11. SG

      I wouldn't have kids spend the night at- at my house. I was always-

    12. SB

      That's crazy.

    13. SG

      ... overnight at- at someone else's house. And, um, for- for me to ride my skateboard to- to school, you know, t- took a certain amount of time, and if I ever, if I would oversleep, I would ride with my dad. My- my dad was chauffeur-driven to work, and- and he would, uh, r- be reading his newspaper in the back seat, and- and whenever I overslept and I had to ride with my dad, the chauffeur would pull up to the school a- and I, as I got out of the car, I would hug the chauffeur. (laughs)

    14. SB

      (laughs)

    15. SG

      Yeah. Like, to try to create the impression that... 'cause I was just embarrassed my dad was in the back seat, like, uh, being chauffeured around. Uh, I- I don't know what that is. Um-

    16. SB

      It's wanting to fit in. It's every... I was the opposite-

    17. SG

      Yeah. Okay.

    18. SB

      ... in every respect. No one came to my house, because-

    19. SG

      Right.

    20. SB

      ... it was like, it was, the windows were smashed and the grass was six foot high. Um, so everything you described was me, but the opposite, for opposite reasons. Like, I would-

    21. SG

      Right.

    22. SB

      ... I would pray that the traffic lights near our school would stop, go turn red, which meant that I could get out of the, like, this beat-up van we drove in, as far from school as possible. (laughs)

    23. SG

      Yeah.

    24. SB

      Whereas you're hugging the chauffer. (laughs)

    25. SG

      (laughs) Right. And it's really interesting too. Like, I- I- I went to a super privileged school too. I mean, like, uh, I attended school with the son of the American ambassador to- to the UK. Like, I was like... My- my best friend was this kid Abdullah. His father was, like, a crazy, like, oil tycoon. A- and, uh, w- when I, when I, when I was in, f- for me, fifth and sixth grade, I was in London, England at that time too, same school. And my father was... I'm not even quite sure what his job position was but, but worked for Del Monte, the canned fruits.

    26. SB

      Yeah.

    27. SG

      And he had to, um, uh, y- you know, like the, all the pi... There was a pineapple factory in Kenya. Dad had, had to go visit this pineapple factory, I wanna say maybe once a year. And so, he planned the trip, his trip to the pineapple factory in Kenya to coincide with, uh, our- our spring break, the one week off from- from school, so that he could take the family on safari. And I have this crazy memory of coming out of the airport in Nairobi, being ushered into some chauffeur-driven car. I always remembered it as a- a stretch limo. My dad says, "No, we didn't have a..." But whatever. Ushered into a chauffeur-driven car out of the airport, and, um, and s- sitting in the back of this car, and these- these just... Uh, it was my first time seeing poverty, like real poverty, and these people were- were clawing at the windows, begging.

    28. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    29. SG

      And I'm just sitting in this car and- and- and just thinking, "What did I ever do to deserve to be... Like, I'm not a good kid," you know? Like, "I- I'm just always in trouble. Like, I don't do..." Just like, again, feeling defective, you know? Like, and I was, I really wasn't a good kid. I mean, I was always in trouble. Everything was just a disaster with me. And here I am inside the car that's being clawed at by these people who are barely clothed, you know, and just clearly desperate. And, um, that, like, that was a- a moment where I felt genuinely guilty, you know? I had a priv- privilege guilt, you know? And that's diff- that- that's worse than success guilt because-

    30. SB

      Mm-hmm.

  9. 42:51 – 54:20

    Dealing with your mother's illness

    1. SB

      she was, um, dis- disabled. You're very busy with Jackass at that time. How do you ... Do you deal ... Did you, did you cope with it? 'Cause it doesn't seem to me that there's any- anyone in your life really at that point, or any experience that's going to help you deal with the concept of grief and loss.

    2. SG

      Right.

    3. SB

      How, how did you cope with it, if you did at all?

    4. SG

      Um ... My parents divorced in 1991. I graduated from the American School here in London, the American School in London in St. John's Wood in 1992. I went off to the University of Miami. Um, the, uh ... Right around the time when I went to the University of Miami, my mom moved to Florida as well.

    5. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SG

      Then on that fateful day of October 10th, 1998, we received word that Mom had this br- brain aneurysm. My sister and I flew to Florida from New Mexico. My dad flew to Florida from England. We all congregated around this, this crisis with my mom. At one point, we went to a, a nearby restaurant just to get a meal. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and my dad came outside and he initiated this conversation. He says, "I, I've been ... I want to tell you that I feel I've done a disservice to you by not supporting you in this path that you've chosen." My, my path to be a crazy famous stuntman. He said, uh, he said, "I chose a path that my father," you know, dad broke the mold becoming a businessman. The idea of that was pretty repugnant to his father. (laughs)

    7. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    8. SG

      And, and he said that his father had the sa- same conversation. "Y- you've already chose something that I would not have chosen for you, but you're clearly committed to it, and so I just want you to be the best and, and, you know, be the happiest, and I pledge to support you." And I'm thinking, "Man, like, it's tough, because I'm a loser," you know? Like, the whole thing going on with my mom was, it was just kind of prevalent, but this side conversation. Like, I just felt like, wow, you know, like, now Dad supports me and ... I, I, I, I just did- I didn't feel very, very hopeful, I don't think, at that time. But it put a lot of wind in my sails. So, the next year, I saw this advert on television for a show called Real TV where they were saying, "If you got- if you have video, home video footage that's crazy and you think that it, it ... we should have it on our show, then call this number." And so I called the number and sent them my videotape and they wanted it. And, uh, and Dad helped me negotiate the, the license deal with them. And, uh, and it was meaningful. You know? The ... This pursuit of becoming a crazy famous stuntman had made my father and I as far apart as, as, you know-

    9. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    10. SG

      It really, really made us not ... our relationship suffer.

    11. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    12. SG

      And then ultimately, it would bring us together. And today, my dad is 80 years old, been retired forever, but he's come out of retirement and I ... He's on my payroll. He, uh, manages, like, all kinds of, uh, business stuff for me, all of my insurance stuff, like ... And, um ... It's crazy. (laughs) It's insanity that, that, that ... You know, just again, what, what, what drove us so far apart brought us so close together.

    13. SB

      And that catalyst moment was your mother's brain aneurysm, really.

    14. SG

      It was.

    15. SB

      'Cause that, that conversation might not have happened and then ...

    16. SG

      It, it, it was. And now, now you pointed to when Jackass toured. I wouldn't dis- ... Well, okay. Um, my sister and I both moved from New Mexico to Florida!

    17. SB

      To be with your mom.

    18. SG

      To be with my mom.

    19. SB

      Yeah.

    20. SG

      And my sister naturally assumed the role of, of caregiver for my mom, and, um, I, I got this opportunity to go, uh, be a circus clown on cruise ships, and it just made sense for me to do that, you know? Like, um, I think that my overall attitude in particular, like, even the going off to work on cruise ships and then with, you know, with, with Jackass, I don't think that I had any level of, like, guilt about it. I think that my, my attitude about pursuing my own career and to be, you know, with Jackass and everything else, my attitude was that rather than let this aneurysm destroy e- everything, that, that I've, I've really strongly wanted to get out there and really make something of myself and that that would be the way to honor my mom more, and, and make my mom proud that way.

    21. SB

      People don't, uh, uh, un- often appreciate how difficult it is for the, everybody around the individual that's, that's sick. And I've ha- again, I've learned that from doing this c- having this conversation about just how sort of debilitating and-... difficult it is for everyone around the individual, especially when they're-

    22. SG

      Yeah.

    23. SB

      ... in a situation where they've become disabled. And your mother's situation was, I mean, she, she, she couldn't move, f- from what I understood. She wasn't n- necessarily speaking.

    24. SG

      She was wheelchair-bound. She, uh, had to be lifted out of bed and into a wheelchair and, and back.

    25. SB

      And could she, sh- she could speak?

    26. SG

      She could speak, but there, there, it, it fluctuated how present she was, how aware she was. Um, one of the more aware moments, I said, "Mom, I'm gonna have a book written about my life." And she, uh, she said, "And who's gonna write this masterpiece?" (laughs)

    27. SB

      (laughs)

    28. SG

      You know, she was making fun of me, and it was funny. Like, uh, the last time that, um, that my mom ever laughed was, I, I came home, um, with the words shit and fuck tattooed on my knuckles. And, um, Mom was in the hospital at that point with a Do Not Resuscitate order on her bed, like this was, this was the end. Like, it was about a month before she passed, and, um, I, I, I walked into her hospital room and I just didn't... you know. It was just a tough situation. I didn't... And I just said, "Hey, Ma, like, check it out," and I held up my, my knuckles to her. And she'd, she'd, she looked at it and she said, "Shit, fuck, shit, fuck." And then she said, "My son is a shit fuck." And she k- like, she laughed and, and it was just the most beautiful... I thought it was just the most beautiful thing, like, uh, she was able to laugh and, you know. And, um... Yeah, it's tough, man. That whole thing's tough. And, and, and the, the toughest thing is, uh, just imagining w- when, uh, when I was struggling in the beginning, like, like, prior to her aneur- aneurysm, like, there were times when, uh, I'd show her one of my videos and say, "Ma, check it out." She says, "Oh, yeah. Well, th- that, that's great, but, like, how, how are... How is this ever going to, like, earn you anything?" (laughs)

    29. SB

      Mm.

    30. SG

      You know? Like, she didn't ever seem to be, like, terribly concerned for my safety, of those shorter videos of, like, jumping off bridges and stuff. (laughs)

  10. 54:20 – 57:26

    Dealing with your mother's death

    1. SB

      emotion I felt afterward w- was, was relief."

    2. SG

      Sure. Yeah. She, like... She doesn't... It... The, the suffering was over, you know? It was, it was merciful, like, th- there's nothing upsetting about my mom dying. It was... What was upsetting was the, the pain and the suffering that she had endured for the five years leading up to her death.

    3. SB

      Do you ever process that? We talk a lot on, uh, about... these days about grief, and we understand that grief is a thing, and I don't think we ever did before. Do you... Did you ever process that?

    4. SG

      If I did, it was years later in recovery and, and digesting the concepts in that book, Conversations with God. That was when I finally, uh... The, the, that, that was when I just developed the idea that mom wasn't alone. You know? That mom was, uh, she wasn't alone. She had like, th- that, uh, that was an experience that she had as God, and then somehow that just, that, it doesn't change anything, but it changes everything.

    5. SB

      Alone. Why, why the word alone? Why was that the concern?

    6. SG

      I mean, uh, just because the, I mean, it, it's, uh... Like on, on a, on a bigger level, like mom, mom's this one thing, you know? So, there's no such thing as alone.

    7. SB

      At the same time, Jackass starts taking off, right? So that's roughly-

    8. SG

      Yeah.

    9. SB

      ... around that time. Your fame goes through the roof.

    10. SG

      Yeah, well mom's aneurysm was 1998. I worked on cruise ships for six months of 1999. I worked in a circus at a flea market for six months in year 2000. And Jackass came out in October of year 2000. And then, yeah, everything.

    11. SB

      The movie comes out 2002.

    12. SG

      Yeah.

    13. SB

      Um, you're 28 years old at that time. Your mother passes when you're 29 the next year. These two things have co- have, have almost happened at, at, at similar times. Your trajectory has started to skyrocket. Your mother has passed away. Lots to deal with, lots going on. Fame is this new thing in your life now, and attention, and-

    14. SG

      Yeah.

    15. SB

      ... as you said earlier, like, worrying about the next meal is maybe sometimes a better problem than worrying about the last.

    16. SG

      Yeah.

    17. SB

      Um, this str- strikes me as, as a real difficult moment in your life. Um, I, I, the qu- from Professional Idiot, which I read, it said, "By, by mid-2007, I was practically living on diet Coke, booze, and nitrous."

    18. SG

      Uh, not diet Coke. A diet of cocaine. (laughs)

    19. SB

      Oh, cocaine. Fuck, I re- (laughs)

    20. SG

      (laughs)

  11. 57:26 – 1:00:13

    Living off a diet of coke, nitrous & hearing voices

    1. SG

    2. SB

      There's a big difference. (laughs)

    3. SG

      I would say it was a diet of-

    4. SB

      Of Coke. (laughs)

    5. SG

      (laughs)

    6. SB

      Big difference. Um, you were hallu-

    7. SG

      Yeah.

    8. SB

      ... hallucinating and hearing voices.

    9. SG

      Yeah, big time. It's called psychosis.

    10. SB

      Ah.

    11. SG

      And, and it's a fascinating, um, it's a fascinating thing that, um, there are so many different substances one can ingest that might bring about this phenomena of psychosis. Yet, there's so much similarity between the experiences people have with it, uh, even though they take so many different avenues to get there. And that's partially why I believe that psychosis, um, that there's, uh, sort of different compartments, maybe dimensions, and that, um, we're, in, in our, in our human experience, we're, uh, in a distinct compartment, uh, and that psychosis happens when you erode the, the barriers to the other compartments, other dimensions. And by doing that with, with chemical substances, um, we erode the barriers, kind of open ourselves up to energies from other dimensions. Um, you, you open yourself up to, like, all levels of it. So you can really let in demons, you know? Like, like demons being low level of frequency energy, and angels like being a higher level.

    12. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SG

      And by, uh, just consuming enough substances, I, I, I really believe that you erode the barriers, you open yourself up to all these energies and, um, in comes flooding demons and, and angels. And that, that's how I characterize my experiences with hallucinations. Um, all that stuff is, uh, demon activity with some angels mixed in.

    14. SB

      Um, I was reading about this thing called the rad email list-

    15. SG

      Oh, yeah. (laughs)

    16. SB

      ... where you sent an email to a lot of people, which I think ultimately, it sounds like one of the things that brought about an i- an intervention, but-

    17. SG

      Right. It wasn't one email. It was more of a, uh,

  12. 1:00:13 – 1:06:23

    Sending radical emails

    1. SG

      stream, uh, uh, a barrage. I was inundating a list of 200, roughly 200 people, many of them very influential people in the, the entertainment industry, celebrities and agents, and just powerful people, uh, you know, media personalities. Um, and, and I was just inundating these 200 people with emails at all hours around the clock and, and effectively broadcasting my downward spiral in real time. And, and I would send, at times, really funny stuff, you know? At times, uh-... just deeply alarming stuff. I was, uh, you know, I, I was ... I knew that I, how out of control I, I was. And, but, but I, but I was just, I was rad. (laughs) I mean, I, I was out of my mind. I was out of my mind, and I was making that abundantly clear by, uh, sending vid- yo- YouTube had become a thing. YouTube started in 2005, so 2007, YouTube allowed me to make really disturbing videos and then email the links (laughs) to 200 people.

    2. SB

      If I was a fly on the wall in 2007 in your life, what would I have seen on an average day?

    3. SG

      In 2007, I was renting four apartments in one building. One of them, I just d- uh, demolished the walls and built a skate park (laughs) throughout the whole apartment. Um-

    4. SB

      With permission from the landlord?

    5. SG

      No, not at all.

    6. SB

      (laughs)

    7. SG

      N- no, no permission whatsoever and it was just with the, the, there, the, I, th- I remember there was like a Russian prostitute operation, um, in the adjacent apartment, so they weren't trying to complain about the noise. There was a stairwell, uh, on the other side and beneath was the, uh, the parking garage. So it was, um ... there, there were never any complaints for, for that. And then, um, a little bit down the hall was, uh, I had, um, couple of my buddies living there. One of, one of them was, uh, you know, edited stuff for me, but we very, very rarely ... well, I mean, he would-

    8. SB

      (laughs) He thinks he works hard. (laughs)

    9. SG

      Yeah, I mean, I, I had people like, uh, on salary and they, they, they didn't do too much. But when I was really out of my mind in these disturbing videos, that I wanted to email the links to the RAD email List, my editor guy was in charge of that. (laughs) Um, so yeah, I had the, the office, the skate park apartment, the office apartment, and then I had an apartment for the assistant. The assistant really didn't do anything, um, except (coughs) uh, explain to people that she couldn't get a hold of me-

    10. SB

      (laughs)

    11. SG

      ... and change my flights, uh, when, because I would always miss my flights. (laughs) Um, and then I had my apartment, which, uh, w- was, this is sort of a, this is where all, where all the really crazy stuff happened. That was, that was just my little drug den. And, um, I would, I would inhale this nitrous oxide stuff and, and it would come in these little cartridges that people use to make whipped cream and a box of these nitrous oxide cartridges would have, there would be 24 cartridges per box, but if you bought a case, there would be 25 boxes in the case. And I believe that 25 times 24 comes to 600. Um, and so I would sit down with 600 cartridges of nitrous oxide and just inhale, like, the, the, the thing that the cartridge goes into, this canister.

    12. SB

      The whoosh?

    13. SG

      Correct, yeah, but I'd have two of them.

    14. SB

      Oh.

    15. SG

      So I would, you know-

    16. SB

      Crack one.

    17. SG

      I would crack one open, fill that and inhale it. With my lungs filled with nitrous oxide, I would be busy filling up the next one (laughs) so that when I exhaled the nitrous from the first, I would then inhale just, so I wouldn't ... not breathe, I wa- I wasn't breathing air as like a ... I was breath- I was inhaling nitrous oxide to the exclusion of breathing air, I mean, as much as possible. And my, my goal at all times would be to lose consciousness because if you, um, you, you know, if you do that and you hold your breath, you, you will become unconscious and you're kind of twitching and, and flopping around and, and, uh, your lips are all blue and then, and then you come back to and, and it would, uh, it's not, (laughs) not healthy. Uh, and, and I would be doing that and I would be doing that for days on end while, um, snorting cocaine. So it was on, on, like, the second and particularly on the third day of being awake on a cocaine binge while inhaling nothing but nitrous oxide, um, that's when the, the most profound psychosis with all of the hallucinating would be going on.

    18. SB

      You sent out on that RAD email one time s- suicidal ideation.

    19. SG

      Yeah. I, I s- I, uh, I, um, I mean, I was going so crazy in this apartment and, um,

  13. 1:06:23 – 1:15:52

    Suicidal ideation

    1. SG

      I, uh, very loud and, and, and, um, destructive in there and, and the, the next apartment over was, uh, a lawyer in his first year of, of being a lawyer. Uh, so, you know, like, um, a g- a guy who cared about work and I was just m- making all kinds of noise at all hours and so he was, he would call the police. He's getting ... "This is my neighbor, it's insane." You know, and, um, the more that the police would show up at my apartment, the angrier (laughs) I would get at the lawyer who was calling the police, which is a little bit backwards, and that was kind of my MO.

    2. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    3. SG

      Like I would...... I would wrong people, and then I would resent them for their perfectly natural response to being wronged by me.

    4. SB

      (laughs)

    5. SG

      (laughs) So-

    6. SB

      At least you're honest. (laughs)

    7. SG

      (laughs) So, so, so I would, uh, you know, I would bang on the guys, or I would really antagonize this, this poor lawyer guy. And, um, at one point it, it got to, uh, to the level where pounding on the wall, I actually pounded a hole in the wall, and, um, it, I pounded a hole... You know, there's- on my side-

    8. SB

      Right.

    9. SG

      ... there's the-

    10. SB

      Has to.

    11. SG

      ... there's the, the, the drywall and then in between there's, like, the fiberglass stuff, and then, then there's his side of the wall. I actually, this one night, pounded all the way through his side of the wall too, so I was actually looking into his apartment, which of course constitutes vandalism. (laughs) So, when he called the cops this time, and the, the cops showed up, they had no choice but to actually arrest me for vandalism. They said, "Look, he put a hole in my wall." So, they, um, were here to arrest me, and I was, um, really, really, uh, out of it, um, uh, like having been snorting both cocaine and ketamine. So, I, I was super out of it and didn't put it together that I was being arrested and going to jail with a bag of cocaine in my pocket. (laughs)

    12. SB

      (laughs)

    13. SG

      I mean, I probably could have. It would make sense that... And I remember it was funny too because they said that... I was barefoot and I had no shirt, and they said, "Well, we have to take you to jail. We have no choice, but we will let you go-

    14. SB

      Put a T-shirt on.

    15. SG

      ... put on a shirt and some shoes," which, which was the perfect opportunity for me to go into my apartment and remove the bag of cocaine from my pocket, but I didn't do that. And I said, you know, "Fuck a shirt. Fuck shoes." (laughs)

    16. SB

      (laughs)

    17. SG

      So, I went to jail completely barefoot and shirtless-

    18. SB

      (coughs)

    19. SG

      ... with, with a bag of cocaine in my pocket, and, um, and, and then when they, you know, when they process you into jail, they search, you know, your pockets.

    20. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    21. SG

      They found the cocaine, and they arrested me again. So, I was now, I had a felony cocaine possession charge as well as the vandalism charge. And, and this was, like, pretty well publicized, the, you know, the fact of the cocaine-

    22. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    23. SG

      ... and the, you know, the arrest. And, um, when I was released from the jail, I was in there for, like, uh, I wanna say, like, three days because the consensus among anybody who loved me was, "He's better off in jail." So, there was no concerted effort to bail me out, which is why I managed to stay in there for, I believe, th- about three days. And then when I finally did get released from the jail after the three days, and I returned to my apartment, there was an eviction notice on the door. So, my response to that was, "Oh, okay. Well, I'm being evicted," and I went into the apartment. I found more vials of ketamine that I had stashed in there, and I cooked that all up and, um, within a couple hours I was, like, screaming about God, like, while jumping up and down on a parked car and, like, dealing with more cops.

    24. SB

      (laughs) You were, you were manhandled into a psych ward, right? Like th-

    25. SG

      Yeah. Yeah. Well, so I went on this, this, this prodigious final bender, and, and, uh, I was running out of time before I had to get my stuff out of the apartment, and I was evicted. So, the email to the RAD email list was, "Hey, I have to have my stuff out of this apartment because I've been evicted. But before I have to be gone I want to, uh, jump a motorcycle. I wanna ride a motorcycle through the living room and off a ramp and jump it over onto the building next door," which was a very, very small gap. (laughs) It, it was not... uh, it was hardly even a big stunt, and, and, and it was, like, two and a half stories up. Uh, I think I was on the third floor, but it was really, like, kinda two and a half, so maybe, like, 20, 25 feet? And, and I r- and I said on the RAD email list, "And I also- I wanna jump the motorcycle onto the roof next door, and I wanna jump out of the bedroom window into a hot tub." (laughs) You know? And I just said, "So, Knoxville, bring a camera crew and a hot tub, and if you can't do the hot tub, at least bring some cardboard boxes, but I'm jumping out of the window, and I'm jumping, you know? And if you don't come, I'm jumping out of the window anyway. I'm gonna jump, and I'm gonna find out how many bones break when I land on the sidewalk 25 feet below. I'm ready to die." (laughs) Uh, like, so I was, like, promising that I was gonna jump out of the window and, and break bones on the concrete below, and that qualified me for the psychiatric evaluation.

    26. SB

      And they, they staged an intervention?

    27. SG

      Yeah, they staged an intervention, yeah. And I said... And so Knoxville responded. I, I forget if he responded with all 200 people on copy-

    28. SB

      Oh, shit.

    29. SG

      ... but, uh, but I said this. I did this on the, the RAD email list with the 200 people, and, and, um, I said, uh, um, "If..." (laughs) Knoxville responded. He says, "Okay. I'll be there." You know? I said, "Be here at 10:00 AM. Be here at 10:00 AM, or I'm gonna jump." (laughs) And, and what his response was, he says, uh, "Can we do noon?"

    30. SB

      (laughs)

  14. 1:15:52 – 1:18:04

    Over 15 years sober

    1. SG

      or, you know, like, like douchey. It's just the most profound gift, like, ever. And, and I, and I, I believe strongly that, you know, that this conversation began with this dark discussion of alcoholism and, and, and how, uh, just how terrible and, and sad alcoholism is. However, as upsetting as alcoholism and drug addiction is, it's the only disease where once you treat it, you become a better version of yourself than you were before. And, and that's really incredible to me, because any other disease, the best you can hope for is to get back to as healthy as you were before you got sick. But for us sober alcoholics and addicts, like, we genuinely become improved versions of ourselves.

    2. SB

      And the work you've done since has been incredible. I mean, you've taken on many professional pursuits. Um, your standup comedy became a facet of your life in 2013.

    3. SG

      Uh, 2010.

    4. SB

      2010, okay.

    5. SG

      I had... The first time I had, um, gotten on stage in a comedy club and, and, uh, performed what, what I intended to be standup comedy was 2006.

    6. SB

      How did that go?

    7. SG

      Um, I thought it went a lot better than it actually did.

    8. SB

      (laughs)

    9. SG

      But, um, but the, the first time I ever got on that stage, it, it wasn't, it wasn't a disaster. It became a disaster later, um. But, but in 2010, once I'd been clean and sober for just over two years, I, I w- I pursued standup comedy in earnest.

    10. SB

      Why standup comedy? I know you've got a big tour coming up in the UK. But why standup comedy? I'm trying to understand the through line between the stunts and comedy.

    11. SG

      It's the, the, the through line is just attention-seeking. You know, um, the first time I ever got on

  15. 1:18:04 – 1:26:39

    Starting stand-up comedy

    1. SG

      stage to perform in a comedy club, uh, there was... I- it was 2006. I believe it was August of 2006. And, um, o- our second Jackass movie was, um, to be released a couple months later. Showed up at this comedy club, I walked in, had no plan for what I was gonna do. And just observing what was happening on the stage with somebody standing there holding a microphone just speaking to the audience, um, I thought, "There's no stunt that could possibly be crazier than that." You know? Like, "I'm gonna do my, my, my... The craziest stunt that I could possibly do is no stunt at all. I'm gonna stand there and speak into a microphone and try to make the people laugh." This was genuinely the most terrifying concept. And I was just wasted enough to decide, "I'm gonna do that." When it became my turn to, to get on the stage, um, I had come up with one joke. As I got on the stage, there were people... They, they were aware of me. They were excited to see me. I felt, like, an excitement. Uh...They, they were there to have a good time. They were... They were-

    2. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    3. SG

      ... rooting for me.

    4. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    5. SG

      I mean, of course, like, get on stage, "Oh, Steve-O, rad?" They were th- I felt loved. I felt, uh, r- th- they were rooting for me. They wanted to have a good time.

    6. SB

      Terrified.

    7. SG

      I got, I got on st- I was terrified, but, but, uh, but it was, it was just, uh, it was... Man, it was, uh, it was electric, dude. And, um, you know, I s- I said, uh, "What do you know, what's up everybody? I'm in the mood for a blowjob. Does anybody want one?"

    8. SB

      (laughs)

    9. SG

      And, uh... And, and, and I got a laugh, you know? Like, they laughed, and I just was so happy about that. And, um, I couldn't have been on that stage for more than three minutes. Like, um, I got on and I got off. Just got out of there and it was a favorable experience, and I decided that this was something I wanted to pursue.

    10. SB

      And you've been pursuing it ever since. There's a, an awesome tour coming up in the UK from June 30th to July 14th, I believe? You called Bucket List?

    11. SG

      That's right. And, and-

    12. SB

      Which I'm coming to see.

    13. SG

      Oh, dude, I love that, man.

    14. SB

      Gonna make sure that that happens.

    15. SG

      Yeah.

    16. SB

      So...

    17. SG

      When, when I started doing standup in earnest in 2010, um, I imagined that I was... that I was trying to establish myself as a standup comedian, and that I was going to forge a career with, with speaking into a microphone. And, um, and, and I felt that, I felt that I was well-equipped to succeed in that endeavor because my life has been so just, uh, colorful. Like, the experience that I've had in my life, like, to, to, to, to mine my life experience for material-

    18. SB

      (laughs)

    19. SG

      ... for standup comedy, uh, it seemed very doable, you know? Like, I've got, I've got stuff to talk about.

    20. SB

      Yeah.

    21. SG

      So, I, I felt that I came into standup comedy not with just an advantage in that I had, um, an audience, a profile, but I, I just had interesting-

    22. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    23. SG

      ... material to, you know-

    24. SB

      Hm.

    25. SG

      ... to, to mine. And, um, clearly the world was not eager for the standup comedy of Steve-O. (laughs)

    26. SB

      (laughs) Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

    27. SG

      You know? I think that there, the bar for the stuff that I was known for... Like, to, to go from, like, the r- the, the, the shocking, like, unbelievable, like, crazy visual stuff that I'd become known for-

    28. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    29. SG

      ... and then appear speaking into a microphone, it seems like a, a-

    30. SB

      Mismatch in expectation.

  16. 1:26:39 – 1:31:27

    Your relationship

    1. SB

      in a relationship, which is, like, the stability, the- the, I don't know, the- the- the calm, the-

    2. SG

      Right.

    3. SB

      And over here, we're seeking instability. And here, in a relationship, there need, I- I don't know, there needs to be a certain stability that I think. How?

    4. SG

      Well, to derive one's self-worth and self-esteem from external validation, uh, the way that- that we do in show business, like, for- for- for me to base my self-worth and self-esteem on how successful I am as Steve-O, it just plainly presents a dark and upsetting future as the spotlight wanes, you know? Like, the-

    5. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SG

      ... the, a- an- and I can't, a- and this is something that- that became very clear to me 15 years ago when I got sober, was that for me to be happy and- and healthy on any level, it is of paramount importance that I find some separation between me and the persona of Steve-O. And, um, with that kind of ruminating in my mind, and- and as I was, when I got into the standup, like, I'd, I was acting out sexually as much as possible on the road while doing standup. And- and at that time, I was, um, in my late 30s, approaching 40, and- and it just occurred to me, "Man, this is not the- the-

    7. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    8. SG

      ... the- the road to being happy." And, you know, "I gotta learn if I wanna be happy later in life, I need to learn how to have a healthy relationship." That was a- a belief that I subscribed to, and I got to work on learning how to be in a healthy relationship. And thank God I did because I'm terrified of being a washed-up, old attention whore that nobody wants to pay attention to anymore.

    9. SB

      And being alone.

    10. SG

      And being alone. That sounds like the most terrifying, like, awful thing. And so-

    11. SB

      What does it, what does she mean to you, Lux?

    12. SG

      I mean, she, you said something earlier that, uh, that- that the design for living in the 12 steps, and this isn't my, you know, kind of extrapolating on what you said. You said that the principles of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are helpful to all people. And I'll take that a step further that the design for living outlined in the 12 steps is something that you don't have to be an alcoholic or an addict to benefit from. But what Lux is as a person is somebody who automatically does that stuff, (laughs) you know? She's automatically honest, you know? She's automatically, like, open, willing, like- like, she's automatically does the right thing, you know? Where I had to- to really, really work and train myself to be honest and to do the right thing, (laughs) you know? And, uh, you know, she's just automatic, it's just automatic to her. And- and Lux's capacity for love is so staggering. Like, her, it's just so natural to her to- to be loving, and- and, uh, it- it blows me away. We both, like, with animals, we're out of our minds we love animals so much. And, um, God, the way that Lux loves me and the way that she wants me to love her, like, just, uh, no, no, no, whole, like... The way that we, like, hold each other, the way that, like, she's- she's- she's taught me to love. She's- she's increased my capacity to love and- and that's- that's the biggest deal, man. It's- it's massive.

    13. SB

      Such a beautiful thing. Steve-O, thank you so... Steve-O? Stephen.

    14. SG

      Yeah, Stephen.

    15. SB

      Thank you so much. Um, we- we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest.

    16. SG

      Okay.

    17. SB

      Um-... and the question that's been left for you is one of the most interesting questions that's ever been left, in fact.

    18. SG

      Sure.

    19. SB

      They don't know who they're leaving it for.

    20. SG

      Good.

  17. 1:31:27 – 1:38:05

    The last guest's question

    1. SB

      So it's, uh, totalmente. They said, "What can Stephen-"

    2. SG

      So you filled in the blank?

    3. SB

      No, no, no, no. They literally wrote, "What can Stephen," w- and they're talking about me.

    4. SG

      Ah, okay.

    5. SB

      But even if they spelled... They spelled it with your name, with a P-H. They said, "What can Stephen, this beautiful man, improve about himself?"

    6. SG

      So, so that's my que- what can I-

    7. SB

      Yeah.

    8. SG

      ... improve about myself?

    9. SB

      No, it's th- they're asking you to tell me what I can improve about myself.

    10. SG

      Ah, okay.

    11. SB

      'Cause they didn't know you were called Stephen, so they said, "What can Stephen, this beautiful man, improve about himself?" Honesty.

    12. SG

      E- You didn't speak about yourself very much but-

    13. SB

      (laughs)

    14. SG

      ... but one thing that you did say, um, you seemed to point to the deficiency in your relationship with your girlfriend-

    15. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    16. SG

      ... being that you're so consumed with work.

    17. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    18. SG

      And, uh, s- that you said something about she wants quality time. You can't compensate for your, uh, you know, all of your energy and time going into your career, and that you wanna compensate by with material things and, and th- but that she has no, no interest in material things. She wants quality time.

    19. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    20. SG

      And, um, I think that, uh, that you and I both, um, have this, uh, this drive, this, this, this hustle, this, this urge to succeed, and, um, I think that, uh, that, that both of us would do well to find our success in our relationships. Every study about, about longevity and health and happiness 100% points to relationships as the source of happy... True happiness and true health comes from the quality of our relationships, not the numbers in our bank account, but the quality in our relationships. So, um, I think that the, the... my answer for you is the s- same for me-

    21. SB

      You nailed it.

    22. SG

      ... it's just that, uh, you know, that w- we should put the emphasis on our quality time in our relationships that we do on our hustle. (laughs)

    23. SB

      And it's, and it's... The, the reason why I, I don't is because I think of some of the stuff that I said earlier about, like, where I came from and being a poor family and all that. So, like, my survival innately in me, or my validation comes from my work. So I'm, like, being pulled by this, like, insecurity and this shame-

    24. SG

      Right.

    25. SB

      ... from my childhood over here, like, "Become fucking... Become everything that you weren't," and, you know... And then on the other hand, my sense goes, "Well, Steve, the happiest times in your life, the, the..." All the studies... I've sat here with the guy that did that 95-year-old study on, um, men and found that they live things like 14 years longer if they have a meaningful relationship. I know logically. (laughs)

    26. SG

      Right.

    27. SB

      But then emotionally and the scar, the scar tissue in me goes, "No, you need back... to validate yourself," right? I'm being dragged by that still to, to, you know...

    28. SG

      Right, and hustle, but, but not in a way that, that undermines or, or detracts from the quality of the relationships.

    29. SB

      Is that... That's what you're doing? (laughs)

    30. SG

      I mean, if, like, uh-

Episode duration: 1:38:05

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