#1 MISTAKE Keeping You Stuck in The WRONG Relationships & Situationships (Do THIS to Fix it!)

1. 0:00 – 2:03

   Intro

   1. JSJay Shetty0:00

      If you're afraid to ask difficult questions in a relationship, it's because you might already know the answer, but that's not a good reason. It's better to have the truth than a lie that feels better than the truth. A lot of us will accept lies in a relationship, lies that we've made up in our mind and our head because we don't wanna face the truth, but the truth allows us to move forward. Being in a healthy relationship isn't just about chemistry. It's about clarity. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty.

   2. SPSpeaker0:39

      Jay Shetty.

   3. JSJay Shetty0:40

      The one, the only Jay Shetty. [laughs] Hey, everyone, it's Jay Shetty, and welcome back to On Purpose. Today, we're talking about something no dating app can teach you, the conversations we're avoiding in modern dating that could save us from wasting years on the wrong people. Now, I get it. We're always worried. We're scared. What if I talk about this? What if I bring it up? What if I start having this conversation? People are gonna get turned off. People are gonna reject me. Well, here's the reality. It's better to be your honest, authentic self and have someone reject you than to become the version they want just so they can accept you. So many of us mold, we hesitate, we second-guess, we change ourselves just for someone to stay, not realizing that what's the point in wanting someone to stay by changing who we are when they'll leave when they discover the reality? We all go through this. We avoid the real questions, right? Not because we don't care, but because we're afraid of what the answers might mean. But here's the truth. If you want real connection, you need real conversations.

2. 2:03 – 3:36

   The Conversations We Avoid in Modern Dating

   1. JSJay Shetty2:04

      So today, I'm giving you powerful questions that most people avoid when dating, but absolutely shouldn't. And for each one, I'll break down why it matters, what the science says, and how to ask it in a way that doesn't make things weird. And I know what you're thinking, "Jay, if I ask this on a first date or a second date, I'm not gonna get a third." Well, here's the reality. You don't have to ask this on a first or second date. I just hope that you ask these questions at some point in the dating process so that things don't go too far, and you actually save yourself from those surprises and shocks later on. Here's the reality. If you're dating right now, these are great questions. If you just moved in, these are great questions. If you just got engaged, these are great questions. Or even if you're married, this is a great conversation to have. Don't avoid these at any stage of the relationship because they will transform your communication ability. What I find for a lot of couples is by the time they've committed to being together, they're actually not aware of how good they are at having difficult conversations. And the truth is, they're not very good at them because they've either tried to avoid them, put them on the back burner, had an argument, and then just swept it under the carpet. This will ensure that before you're with someone deeply, you actually know what you're getting yourself into. The first question

3. 3:36 – 8:17

   #1: What Defines a Healthy Relationship?

   1. JSJay Shetty3:36

      is: What does a healthy relationship look like to you? Most people assume love will just click, but talking about what respect, space, trust, and support actually look like helps avoid unmet expectations and silent resentments later. Now, the reason we avoid this question is because we assume love should be effortless. We assume that love should just flow. We assume that if someone loves me, it will be healthy. But here's the reality. Just because you love someone, it doesn't block unhealthy behaviors. So don't assume that, hey, if we have positive feelings towards each other, we already have a healthy relationship. You can love someone and have bad communication. You can love someone and have unhealthy habits. Someone can love you and still talk to you poorly because these are skills and habits that no one has ever been taught. It matters because it builds shared language around emotional needs. A lot of our language around emotional needs feels like, "Oh, you're just being needy. Oh, you just need a lot of attention. Oh, you're just high maintenance," right? These are the things we think of when someone shares what they want in a relationship. Today, it's often misconstrued as being needy, wanting too much attention, or actually, further than that, being someone who's high maintenance. And the reality is we never got the opportunity to build a shared language. Research shows that clarity around emotional needs and communication styles leads to longer-lasting partnerships. That's research from the Gottman Institute. A healthy relationship makes you feel more like yourself. An unhealthy one makes you forget who that even is. A healthy relationship gives you space to grow. An unhealthy one makes you shrink to fit. A healthy relationship holds you through the hard days. An unhealthy one makes you feel like you're too much for having them.A healthy relationship brings you peace. An unhealthy one keeps you addicted to chaos. A healthy relationship challenges you with kindness. An unhealthy one criticizes you into silence. A healthy relationship helps you trust your voice. An unhealthy one teaches you to doubt it. A healthy relationship reminds you of your value. An unhealthy one makes you fight to prove it. When you answer the question, what does a healthy relationship look like to you? Someone may say time. Someone else may say freedom. Someone else may say constant connection. If you haven't had that conversation, you don't know what you're signing up for. So many of us are subscribing to relationships. We're pressing the follow button without actually knowing what the terms and conditions are. When you ask these questions, you actually understand what are the terms and conditions of this relationship. What are the small print? What are the messages that are hidden, that are lost in between the lines? So many of us have no idea whether our partner's views on a healthy relationship are the same as ours. We just assume they are. We assume that if we think a healthy relationship is time, values, and respect, then everyone must think that way. But we don't know what their relationship was like with their parents, or what their parents' relationship was like, or what background they come from, and what the word healthy means to them. It's like saying to someone, "What is a healthy workout regime?" If you come from a family where working out and staying healthy and fit was really important, you'd say five days a week. If you come from another type of family, you'd say, "Hey, being healthy just means going on a walk once a week." We all have really different ideas of what healthy means, and that applies to love as well.

4. 8:17 – 12:30

   #2: What are You Afraid of When It Comes to Commitment?

   1. JSJay Shetty8:17

      Question number two to ask when you're dating is, what are you afraid of when it comes to commitment? Not everyone fears commitment for the same reason. Some fear losing freedom, others fear repeating the past. We avoid this question because we don't wanna scare someone off or admit our own fears. But here's why it matters. It opens the door to healing, not hiding. See, for a lot of us, we hope this person wants a committed relationship. We're wishing, wanting, waiting for this dating situation to turn into exclusivity. And when we don't have this conversation, what we set ourselves up for is another false expectation around what commitment means. Being in a committed relationship isn't about constant excitement. It's about showing up, especially on the boring days. It's not always filled with butterflies. Sometimes it's choosing to talk it out instead of walking away. It's not texting twenty-four seven. It's feeling safe in silence. It's not agreeing on everything. It's learning to disagree without disrespect. It's not proving your worth every day. It's knowing you're valued even on your worst ones. It's not about losing your independence. It's about having someone who respects your space and still shows up for you. It's not perfect, it's practiced. It's not effortless, it's chosen again and again. I think when you raise this question, you're raising it not from the perspective of, "I need you to commit right now." I think the reason why these conversations are actually difficult is because we postpone them till they're critical rather than when they're a conversation. Think about that for a second. We postpone critical conversations to when they are urgent, as opposed to when they would just be a question, right? So we wait till things are really bad, and so when you ask the question, it feels like pressure. When you ask the question, it feels like you're pushing them. When you ask the question, it feels like they have to make a decision. So when you say, "Hey, what do you struggle with with commitment?" They're thinking, "Wait, you're projecting that onto me. You're telling me I don't wanna commit. You're telling me you want me, need me to commit right now." And that puts the person on the defensive. So even when you frame these questions, it's really important to say, "You know, I really think that having an open dialogue about what commitment means to us is really important, and I wanna know, and I wanna share as well, what commitment means to me. Commitment means to me monogamy, it means loyalty, it means not criticizing each other in public, it means being honest with each other," right? Whatever that may mean, and now all of a sudden, it's not a conversation to say, "So when are we going exclusive? So when are we moving in? So when are you proposing?" Right? That's when it's a bad question. These questions will be perceived as bad questions when they feel like you're asking another question. That's the worst type of question to get, when the person on the receiving end knows in their head that you're actually asking a completely different question. What you're asking is, "When are we getting married?" You're not really asking, "What are your thoughts on commitment?" The question you're really asking is, "So what are you proposing?" It's an ultimatum. It's not understanding, right? When you ask a question that's actually an ultimatum, it actually disconnects you from that person. And of course, this applies in work, it applies for family, it applies for friends, but we see it the most in love.Don't use these questions as a mechanism to get someone to propose, move in, or get married. Use them as a real method of connection, understanding, and building a common platform to build a healthy relationship from. Don't wait till things are extreme to start these healthy conversations.

5. 12:30 – 19:44

   #3: How Do You Handle Conflicts?

   1. JSJay Shetty12:30

      Question number three to ask while you're dating is: how do you handle conflict? Most people discover the answer during a fight, but asking early can prevent blowups, shutdowns, or walking away when things get hard. Now, me and Radhi went through this as well, and we didn't have this conversation. I wish we had asked this question when we started dating. We discovered it much later. What I found out years later was that when we had a conflict, I wanted to talk it out, and Radhi wanted to hide. I wanted to fix it and solve it right now. I wanted to share everything and put it on the table. She needed two days to process it. And for years, I used to feel I cared more about the relationship because I was, uh, right there ready to solve it. And in my head, I would make up this story that she didn't care because she was retreating or hiding in the bedroom. So I'd say, "Look, you don't care as much as I do. Look, I'm standing right here ready to solve it. You obviously don't value the connection." And she'd be thinking the same thing. She'd say, "How can you have a conversation when you haven't digested it? How can you fix it when you haven't had time to reflect? I care more because I'm actually thinking about it. I'm actually processing it. I'm actually working through it." It's amazing how you can both be saying the same thing, but reflecting it in different ways. That's when I discovered, and I wrote about this in my book, Eight Rules of Love, the fight languages. Venting, hiding, and exploding are the three fight languages. A venter wants to fix, solve, and talk right now. A hider wants time and space to reflect, and the exploder wants to put emotional blame and stress. Now, here's the reality. Our fight styles can be transformed and can be improved, but initially, we need to know what we need in conflict. And when you have this conversation, when you're not fighting, that's when you win. If you can talk about how you fight when you're not fighting, you will both win the argument when it comes to it. But if you only talk about a fight when you're in the fight, you will both lose. Talk about conflict before it arises. So many couples say, "Oh, we never fight. We never argue. We don't have those issues." Still talk about it because there will be an issue. There will be a disagreement that will lead to an argument or whatever it may be, and that's when you will have hoped you trained when you weren't in the fire. You don't train for a championship game in the championship game. You don't train for the final in the final. You train for it months and weeks before so that you're prepared. When it comes to difficult conversations, arguments, or disagreements, train before you get to them. Now, we avoid this because it feels negative to bring up problems early, right? We're like, "I don't wanna be the one to ruin it. Things are going so well." But that's short-term thinking. If things are going well, having this conversation will only make them better. Think about that. If this is your person, having this type of conversation will only make the relationship better. It will actually save you from getting far down the line and then all of a sudden having a moment and going, "Wait, things are going so well. I thought we really got along. I thought we were really, really happy." Yeah, you were because you hadn't had a conflict yet. And because you haven't discussed how to deal with one, now it's tripping you up. This really matters because love isn't built on avoiding conflict. It's built on handling it with respect. Love isn't built on never having an argument. Love is built on knowing how to navigate one. Love isn't built on never having a disagreement. It's built on having a disagreement without disrespect. Love isn't built on always being happy. It's built on knowing what to do when your partner and you feel unhappy. Love isn't built on solving things at the same time, at the same pace. It's built on knowing when to give space and when you need some yourself. Because remember this: the right person fights with you, not against you. The wrong one turns every disagreement into a scoreboard. The right person listens to understand. The wrong person listens to win. The right person makes hard conversations feel safe. The wrong one makes you afraid to speak up. The right person holds space for your feelings even when they don't agree. The wrong one uses your feelings against you. The right person works through it, not around it. The wrong one leaves things broken and calls it peace. Here's the reality: you are not going to meet the right person. You are going to become the right person, and they're going to become the right person because you're open to this process. If you try and find someone who ticks everything I just said, you will failI wasn't the right person before I met my wife. She wasn't the right person. We became the right people because we were willing to do the right things. Think about that for a second. You and your partner will become the right people for each other because you make the choice to do the right things, to have the hard conversations, to have the difficult interactions, to have the disagreements, to prepare for that, to have a plan for that. That's how you'll get there. Don't sleep on that one. Embrace the energy of summer with Pandora, jewelry that celebrates who you are and the journey you're on. From sunrise adventures to sunset slowdowns, Pandora brings a touch of paradise to every moment, no passport needed. This season's new pieces are full of color and personality, from ocean charms to bright tennis bracelets, and effortless layers you can mix and match. It's a thoughtful way to refresh your summer look and carry something meaningful with you wherever the season takes you. I've always believed that what we wear can be a reflection of how we feel, or how we want to feel. That's why I love pieces that carry intention. Pandora also offers in-store engraving and personalization, which is such a special way to mark a moment, a trip, a memory, even just a reminder to stay present this season. Feel it, live it, embrace it, be love. Shop in store or online at pandora.net to discover new styles.

6. 19:44 – 22:02

   #4: What are Your Long-Term Intentions?

   1. JSJay Shetty19:44

      Question number four to ask when you're dating: What are your long-term intentions right now? Not everyone is dating for the same reason, but most people assume they are, until someone ghosts or gets blindsided. We avoid this because we don't wanna come off too intense. But hey, is it better to come off intense and lose someone who doesn't wanna be in there for the long term, or be casual with someone and hope it goes well? Here's why it matters. If you're afraid to ask, you might already know the answer. Let me say that again. If you're afraid to ask difficult questions in a relationship, it's because you might already know the answer, but that's not a good reason. It's better to have the truth than a lie that feels better than the truth. A lot of us will accept lies in a relationship, lies that we've made up in our mind and our head, because we don't wanna face the truth, but the truth allows us to move forward. Being in a healthy relationship isn't just about chemistry. It's about clarity. It's not just about who you're drawn to. It's about knowing where they're headed and if they want you there. It's not asking, "What are we?" months in. It's knowing from the beginning what you both want. It's not reading between the lines. It's having the courage to read the truth out loud. It's not hoping they'll change their mind. It's respecting what they told you from the start. It's not pretending you're okay with casual when your heart wants commitment. It's being honest about what you're looking for, even if it scares them away. It's not playing it cool. It's being clear with yourself and with them, because love without direction feels exciting until it feels lost, and connection without clarity isn't romance, it's confusion. Question

7. 22:02 – 25:10

   #5: What Does Emotional Availability Mean to You?

   1. JSJay Shetty22:02

      number five to ask when you're dating: What does emotional availability mean to you? Someone can text daily, be romantic, and still be emotionally unavailable. Define what openness, vulnerability, and safety really look like for each other. Now, we avoid this because we mistake consistency for connection. We also avoid this because we know we want an emotionally intelligent relationship, but we don't wanna come across that way, right? We wanna be seen as cool and relaxed and casual, but really, we wanna know what these words mean, and we feel, "Wait a minute, I'm setting myself up for failure here, coming across as a dork or a geek." But what ends up happening is you end up in an emotionally unintelligent relationship because you never had any emotionally intelligent conversations. If you're scared of having an emotionally intelligent conversation with your partner, chances are you have an emotionally unintelligent relationship. Because if you're willing to have that conversation, it shows that you respect that person's emotional capacity and capability. If you're not, you're saying it might not exist. This matters because availability isn't how they show up in your phone. It's how they show up in your life. Emotionally available people make space for your feelings, even when it's uncomfortable. They call back when conversations get hard. They say how they feel, not just what you want to hear. They don't disappear when you need depth. They can hold their own emotions and respect yours, too. Emotionally unavailable people, they keep things vague so they don't have to be honest. They show up for the good parts, then vanish when it gets real. They avoid labels, responsibility, and anything that sounds like commitment. They flirt with your potential, but won't build anything solid. They make you guess how they feel and call it taking it slow. Now, here's the interesting thingWhen someone's honest with us, but we don't like their honesty, we see them as bad. It's also on us to receive honesty with openness. If you block your partner every time they're honest with you, guess what? They're gonna be dishonest with you. People learn dishonesty because sometimes their honesty is not received. If someone opens up to you about something, and they don't feel you were open in receiving it, they now close the door. They're gonna lie to you, they're gonna make things up, they're gonna find other excuses because they feel you don't want their honesty. Allow yourself to be someone that invites honesty, even if it's uncomfortable. Question number six

8. 25:10 – 27:49

   #6: Do You Prefer to Recharge Alone?

   1. JSJay Shetty25:10

      to ask while dating: How do you recharge, alone or with people? Introvert versus extrovert isn't just a personality type, it's a lifestyle, and dating someone with a different rhythm without awareness can lead to guilt, pressure, or unmet needs. We don't realize, so often in a relationship, someone will say, "You don't like me. You don't wanna spend time with me." And all that person's actually saying is, "I love spending time with you, but I recharge alone. I love seeing you, but I recharge by myself. I enjoy every moment we spend together, but I'm someone who needs alone time." But we assume that someone's alone time is a reflection of them not wanting to be with us, rather than how they recharge. It creates a sense of uneasiness, it creates a sense of distrust, it messes up the freedom and independence dynamic, and we avoid this question because it feels too minor to matter. This isn't one of the big ones. This is one of those silent killers in relationships. You keep nagging the other person, you keep wanting their time and energy, and they just wanna be alone. And you see that as a sign of them not wanting you, but the reality is that's how they recharge. This is why it matters. Energy mismatches cause more conflict than most people expect. One of my clients, let's call her Amy, she was twenty-nine years old, swiped right on Chris, but after date two, felt overwhelmed. He wanted a dinner party. She wanted solo Netflix. She thought she disliked him until she realized she wasn't anti-him, just in need of quiet. A simple question cleared the air. Introverts recharge solo. Extroverts recharge through social connection. Introverts will choose a night in. Extroverts will choose a night out. Introverts will choose time alone. Extroverts will choose time with others. It's all about how you recharge. Recognizing this prevents misreadings and resentment early. So try this. On date three, ask, "What recharges you more, a big night out or a quiet night in?" Watch how their answer helps you both skip future mismatches. It's actually a fun conversation too. Which one would you choose? Question

9. 27:49 – 31:30

   #7: What Does Being Ready Mean to You?

   1. JSJay Shetty27:49

      number seven to ask when dating: What does being ready for a relationship mean to you? People say they're open to love, but everyone defines readiness differently. Some mean emotionally healed. Others mean financially stable. Others mean bored and lonely. We avoid this because we're afraid of hearing, "I'm not ready for anything serious." We're so scared of hearing those words that we'd rather pretend to ourself that this casual thing will become serious than move on from the casual thing and find something serious. It's better to leave a casual relationship if you want a serious one than to stay in it pretending it will become a serious one. Because chances are, if that person has told you they don't want anything serious, you're not gonna be someone who's going to change their mind. We all wanna be the person to change that person's mind, and we're scared that they're gonna change their mind for the next person. Well, you're not that person. You're not the next person, and that's okay. Here's why this question matters. It helps you understand if you're dating a partner or a placeholder, and how much time you want to waste. I remember working with a client, I'll call them Jordan and Mia, and they had sparks. They were doing so great. And then they had this disagreement that came when they were traveling for a weekend trip. Jordan shut down. Mia kept pushing, and it almost ended. And then I'd asked them to ask this question. Only when Mia asked him to share how he processes tension did they create a code word to pause and reconnect instead of fight. And here's what the science says. The emotional availability framework shows that conflict handling styles deeply shape relationship satisfaction. So try this today. On a low-stakes disagreement, ask, "When you're upset, what helps? Space, talk, distraction?" Use their answer when tension hits next. When someone's ready for a relationship, they don't just want connection, they want commitment. They know what they're looking for, and they're not afraid to say itThey face their past, not stuffed it under healing. They make space for another person without losing themselves. They take accountability, not just attention. They show up consistently, not just when it's convenient. Love isn't a distraction for them, it's a decision for them. When someone's not ready for a relationship, they say, "I'm not sure what I want," but they still want your time. They want chemistry without commitment. They're still healing, but use it to avoid getting close. They want relationship benefits with single-person freedom. They pull you in, then push you away, and call it processing. They wait for the perfect person instead of working on being one. They make you feel like you're asking for too much just for wanting clarity. Question number

10. 31:30 – 32:52

    #8: What Does Independence Look Like to You?

    1. JSJay Shetty31:30

       eight to ask while you're dating: what does independence look like to you in a relationship? Some people need space to feel close, others need closeness to feel safe. If you don't talk about that, one will feel smothered and the other will feel abandoned. We think chemistry will override compatibility. Independence is actually about boundaries, and boundaries build security, not distance. One of my friends, let's call him Ravi, his partner, Maddie, texted him every day early on, right? It was long chats, spending hours on the phone. But two months later, communication dipped, and all of a sudden he felt abandoned. It wasn't until she explained that routine texts don't equal emotional presence. She preferred a deep nightly debrief on the phone. The science says emotional availability, being responsive and supportive, directly correlates with trust and intimacy. Make sure you're clear on that. Try this today. Ask, "What makes you feel emotionally heard?" And listen for quality over frequency, and then try matching that.

11. 32:52 – 34:52

    #9: What Are You Still Healing From?

    1. JSJay Shetty32:52

       Question number nine to ask when you're dating: what are you still healing from? Everyone has a story, and while we don't owe each other our trauma, we do owe each other honesty about what might still be shaping our choices. We avoid it because we don't want to seem damaged or too deep, but it matters. It invites real intimacy, not surface-level perfection. So here's the deal. You're not too intense for asking, you're just being honest in a world built on surface-level connections. These nine conversations aren't heavy, they're healthy. And if someone's afraid to go there, that's not a red flag, it's a stop sign. Because when someone is right for you, they won't just answer these questions, they'll ask them, too. So next time you're on a date, allow yourself to go deeper. You might just save yourself weeks, months, and years. Thank you so much for listening on purpose. Send this to someone in your life who needs to hear it, who's newly dating, newly married, newly engaged. It will change their lives. And remember, I am always rooting for you. I'm forever in your corner. Thank you for listening. Hey, everyone. If you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Lori Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't wanna miss this conversation.

    2. SPSpeaker34:42

       If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely

Episode duration: 34:52