MEL ROBBINS: The Most SHOCKING Lie About Self-Improvement (THIS Keeps You Hating Yourself)

1. 0:00 – 0:17

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      People-pleasing is actually manipulation. You're manipulating people so they like you. I'm not some pushover. I actually want people to like me, so I am willing to manipulate them by staying silent or doing

2. 0:17 – 2:12

   What Do We Really Worry About Most?

   1. MRMel Robbins0:17

      things I don't wanna do or not expressing my boundaries because I, at all costs, just want people to like me.

   2. JSJay Shetty0:24

      [instrumental music] I'm so excited to be here tonight at the Wang Theatre in Boston with one of my dearest, dearest friends, truly, and I wanna dive straight in, Mel, because you've got so much insight, so much wisdom on this that I've been fortunate enough to benefit from in our friendship. But I wanna start by asking you, what do you think people are most worried about when it comes to what others think about them?

   3. MRMel Robbins0:49

      Well, I brought notes.

   4. JSJay Shetty0:50

      [laughs]

   5. SPSpeaker0:51

      [laughs]

   6. MRMel Robbins0:51

      'Cause I know Jay asks very tough questions.

   7. JSJay Shetty0:54

      [laughs]

   8. MRMel Robbins0:55

      Uh, I think that the thing that we're most worried about is just that people aren't going to like you, that they're gonna misunderstand you. That's the thing that we're the most worried about. Because if you didn't care whether or not people liked you, if you didn't care about whether or not people misunderstood you or your intentions, you would just go about your life however the heck you wanted to, right?

   9. SPSpeaker1:21

      [cheers]

   10. MRMel Robbins1:21

       And so truly, if you stop and think, like think about one person in your life who that's the person whose opinion you worry about the most. Imagine if you could go about your life and not care if they like you or not, not care if they don't understand you or not, and sometimes people will be like, "Well, it's my boss."

   11. JSJay Shetty1:49

       [laughs]

   12. MRMel Robbins1:50

       Okay, there's a lot of bosses out there. If the one that you're working for doesn't like you, there's nothing you can do about it, but you can always leave the job. And so I think that is what's at the heart of it, that we are so desperate to be liked and understood and loved by others that we live in fear that it's not gonna happen.

   13. JSJay Shetty2:11

       Oh.

   14. MRMel Robbins2:11

       And

3. 2:12 – 15:50

   How to Quiet the Inner Critic

   1. MRMel Robbins2:12

      in doing so, we basically live a life where we don't really like ourselves.

   2. JSJay Shetty2:17

      [clapping]

   3. SPSpeaker2:18

      [cheers]

   4. JSJay Shetty2:18

      So well said. So well said. I mean, I think what you're getting at there is so powerful because it's almost like we don't even know what we're capable of, what we're worthy of, what we're able to do because we've constantly lived with that inner critic inside of us. There's the outer critic and the inner critic. Tell me about how we can learn to quiet that inner critic. 'Cause sometimes it is your boss, sometimes it is your partner, sometimes it is your mom, but there's that inner critic inside of you that's stifling you even more.

   5. MRMel Robbins2:49

      Okay, I gotta ask you a question first. Should I look at you or everybody out here? Like, I don't know where to look-

   6. JSJay Shetty2:55

      I-

   7. MRMel Robbins2:55

      ... because normally when Jay and I are talking and recording-

   8. JSJay Shetty2:57

      [laughs]

   9. MRMel Robbins2:57

      ... a podcast, we don't see you guys. So it's so cool to have you here, like for real. Thank you for showing up.

   10. JSJay Shetty3:04

       Yeah.

   11. SPSpeaker3:04

       [cheers]

   12. MRMel Robbins3:05

       And I'm-

   13. JSJay Shetty3:06

       I think, I think we can, we can look at them. I wanna be with all of you.

   14. MRMel Robbins3:08

       Okay, great.

   15. JSJay Shetty3:08

       So we'll look at them.

   16. MRMel Robbins3:09

       Because I feel a little distracted-

   17. JSJay Shetty3:10

       I won- I won't feel

   18. MRMel Robbins3:10

       ... like I'm ignoring you while I'm trying to look at Jay.

   19. JSJay Shetty3:14

       No.

   20. MRMel Robbins3:14

       And I want you to like me, for God's sakes.

   21. JSJay Shetty3:16

       [laughs]

   22. MRMel Robbins3:16

       Even though we're gonna talk about how we have to stop worrying about that. Okay, so the question is about self-criticism. So there's a lot to unpack here, okay? And the first thing to understand is that there are two factors that truly amp up self-criticism. This is not from me. This is from some of the same experts that you have brought on to On Purpose. The more stressed out that you are, the more the self-criticism dials up. There's some relationship between you being in kind of fight or flight and your inability to be kinder and more present and compassionate with yourself. So that's number one. If you're experiencing an uptick right now because you feel stressed and overwhelmed, that's to be expected. Second thing, and this is gonna blow your fricking mind, okay? Self-criticism, this is, this is crazy, okay? I'm gonna try to unpack this because I literally just talked to a psychiatrist today at Harvard Medical School who does all this research on body image, and everybody is critical of themselves. Self-criticism has really gone through the roof because check this out. We were never supposed to see ourselves.

   23. JSJay Shetty4:22

       Mm.

   24. MRMel Robbins4:24

       No, no, no, no, no, no, really, really, like hang with me for a minute here.

   25. JSJay Shetty4:27

       Yeah.

   26. MRMel Robbins4:27

       Like, let's just go back one or two human beings. Mirrors back then had all that acid stuff on it, so you couldn't even see yourself.

   27. SPSpeaker4:36

       [laughs]

   28. MRMel Robbins4:37

       There were no glass buildings, so you didn't see your reflection. If you saw yourself, it was like in the Charles River, and it was like kinda moving.

   29. SPSpeaker4:47

       [laughs]

   30. JSJay Shetty4:48

       [laughs]
4. 15:50 – 18:17

   Stop Obsessing Over the Physical

   1. MRMel Robbins15:50

      point of the gym."

   2. JSJay Shetty15:51

      [laughs]

   3. MRMel Robbins15:51

      "So I'm gonna go in, and I'm gonna do it now because I deserve to take care of myself regardless of how I may be feeling about where I'm at in my life." That's how you do it. I know it's a long-winded answer, I'm sorry.

   4. JSJay Shetty16:05

      Guys, Mel's not playing around.

   5. SPSpeaker16:06

      [clapping]

   6. JSJay Shetty16:07

      That was a masterclass.

   7. MRMel Robbins16:08

      No, I'm not.

   8. JSJay Shetty16:09

      Wow. We've already had a masterclass from you, Mel. Let's, uh-

   9. MRMel Robbins16:13

      Okay, we're done.

   10. JSJay Shetty16:14

       There's-

   11. MRMel Robbins16:14

       See you guys.

   12. JSJay Shetty16:14

       [laughs] There's so much to unpack in what you said, and I wanna start with the first point you made because what was really interesting is during my three years in the monastery, I actually experienced what it felt like to not see my reflection unless I was on the streets and out of the monastery.

   13. MRMel Robbins16:31

       Really?

   14. JSJay Shetty16:31

       Because in the monastery, there are no mirrors. There are no mirrors.

   15. MRMel Robbins16:34

       Well, they don't want you to see what your head looks like when it's shaved, right?

   16. JSJay Shetty16:36

       They don't want you to see what you look like with a shaved head. Trust me, it's not pretty. But it's true. Like, you don't see your reflection because that's seen as a way of becoming self-obsessed-

   17. MRMel Robbins16:45

       Mm

   18. JSJay Shetty16:45

       ... through the teachings of humility and detachment, and I realized what that felt like, that when I left three years later, I hadn't thought about my physical self. And here's something really interesting about having done that for that long. You actually start to realize how much more there is to you than just your physical self. You actually get to explore-

   19. SPSpeaker17:07

       [clapping]

   20. JSJay Shetty17:08

       ... your mental and emotional capacity and ability and potential because you're not bound by just thinking, "This is all I am."

   21. MRMel Robbins17:17

       Dude, can we just stop and hover on that for a minute?

   22. SPSpeaker17:20

       [laughs]

   23. MRMel Robbins17:20

       Like, for real. We are so obsessed with the physical that I don't even know that I've considered that probably 99% of my experience of life for probably the first 55 years of my life was all the physical. What do you look like? What do you feel like? Like, what, what do I got out there? What can people measure? What are the things that are around me? What are the phys- What's the outfit? What's the makeup? What's the hairstyle? What's all that stuff? And there's a whole actual life that is inside of you that is waiting to open up, and we've all been so distracted by the crap on the outside that we've forgotten what it feels like and what's possible when you truly tap into the thing that's deeper than the skin and the hair and the face and everything that you're complaining

5. 18:17 – 25:02

   How People-Pleasing Is Actually a Form of Control

   1. MRMel Robbins18:17

      about.

   2. JSJay Shetty18:17

      Yeah. There's an inner universe-That we haven't begun to explore, and that's why I love what you shared. It resonates so strongly with me because as Mel was saying, we've all been on that Zoom screen, and we're not even looking at the other people, right? You're just staring in the bottom corner, and everyone's staring in their bottom corner.

   3. MRMel Robbins18:33

      Oh, my God.

   4. JSJay Shetty18:34

      And so no one's looking at the slide deck-

   5. MRMel Robbins18:35

      The worst

   6. JSJay Shetty18:36

      ... that everyone's pretending to talk about.

   7. SPSpeaker18:38

      [laughs]

   8. JSJay Shetty18:38

      And all of a sudden we've, we've... we're distracted again from that very physical sense. And one thing you were saying that really resonated with me, that I think a lot of us do this because we get lost in this feeling of trying to shape-shift and trying to mold and then people please. So when we get lost in that loop, we're now trying to manipulate and maneuver ourselves, we're trying to self-correct-

   9. MRMel Robbins19:03

      Yeah

   10. JSJay Shetty19:03

       ... and self-fix and self-critique in order to be, A, somewhat not even good enough for ourselves, hoping that someone else is gonna say we're good enough. What does someone do in the audience right now who knows that they're just constantly trying to people please, they're constantly trying to self-correct, self-critique to be good for someone else? What's a barrier or a habit or a boundary that they should start with in order to break this cycle, to interrupt this pattern?

   11. MRMel Robbins19:29

       Okay, so there's two things I wanna say about this. We got a bunch of pe- are there people pleasers in here? Nobody wants to raise their hand, like, "Not me."

   12. JSJay Shetty19:35

       [laughs]

   13. SPSpeaker19:35

       [laughs]

   14. MRMel Robbins19:35

       Okay, great. Um-

   15. JSJay Shetty19:36

       Well, they're trying to please you, so they're gonna raise their hand.

   16. MRMel Robbins19:37

       Yeah, okay, great.

   17. SPSpeaker19:38

       [laughs]

   18. MRMel Robbins19:38

       Raise your hands, damn it.

   19. JSJay Shetty19:40

       [laughs]

   20. MRMel Robbins19:40

       Um, this changed my life, 'cause I used to wear the people-pleasing badge like an honor. "Well, I'm a people pleaser. I'll, I'll lay down in front of a truck to help somebody."

   21. JSJay Shetty19:51

       [laughs]

   22. MRMel Robbins19:51

       The first thing I want you to do is I want you to understand that people-pleasing is actually manipulation.

   23. JSJay Shetty20:02

       [exhales sharply] Whoa.

   24. SPSpeaker20:04

       [laughs]

   25. MRMel Robbins20:04

       Right.

   26. JSJay Shetty20:05

       Did you hear that, everyone?

   27. MRMel Robbins20:05

       So, 'cause people pleaser sounds like, "Oh, I'm weak, I'm soft, like, I'm a people pleaser."

   28. JSJay Shetty20:10

       [laughs]

   29. SPSpeaker20:11

       [laughs]

   30. MRMel Robbins20:11

       No, you're a m- you're a manipulator. Let me, let me... L- and I own this. This is gonna snap you out of this, because we kinda soften into the label and then we pretend we're weak. No, you're manipulating people so they like you. This is a strategy. Thank you.
6. 25:02 – 29:54

   Start Listening to Your Own Needs

   1. MRMel Robbins25:02

      And so that is a way to-

   2. JSJay Shetty25:04

      Yes

   3. MRMel Robbins25:04

      ... just start to separate yourself. Because when you're a manipulator like that, like I used to be, it is so in your DNA. You know, it's like you'll order a cup of coffee, and they'll get it wrong, and you'll be like, "Oh, no, no, you don't need to fix it."

   4. JSJay Shetty25:18

      [laughs]

   5. MRMel Robbins25:18

      "I, I ordered the chai, but I'll take the, uh, espresso triple shot thing."

   6. JSJay Shetty25:21

      [laughs]

   7. MRMel Robbins25:22

      "No problem. No problem. I got it. I'm easy. Okay."

   8. JSJay Shetty25:25

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins25:25

      And then you walk out and you're like, "Damn it, they always get it wrong in there."

   10. SPSpeaker25:28

       [laughs]

   11. JSJay Shetty25:29

       Do you know, do you know why I love that? I absolutely love that, Mel, because it's so interesting how our bodies always know what they need, right? You don't have to think about becoming hungry, your body just tells you.

   12. MRMel Robbins25:44

       Yeah.

   13. JSJay Shetty25:45

       You don't have to think about being thirsty, your body tells you. You don't need to think about sleep, your body tells you when it's tired. And it's so interesting why we struggle today. I'm realizing this literally by talking to you right now. We struggle with sleep today. We struggle with eating today. We struggle with all of these things today because of what you just said, because we've ignored the body-

   14. MRMel Robbins26:07

       Yes

   15. JSJay Shetty26:08

       ... and we're trying to figure it all out in our mind-

   16. MRMel Robbins26:10

       Uh-huh

   17. JSJay Shetty26:10

       ... when the body's been telling us and guiding us all along. So this lack of alignment that we have between the mind and the body, with the body saying, "Do this, do this, do this," and the mind saying, "I can't, I can't, I can't," because so-and-so will say that, so-and-so will think that. That lack of alignment is what makes it so hard to go to sleep when you want to.

   18. MRMel Robbins26:29

       Correct.

   19. JSJay Shetty26:29

       That's-

   20. MRMel Robbins26:29

       Like, how many of us stay awake and we're like, "Okay, I'll watch another episode with you," when you don't want to.

   21. JSJay Shetty26:33

       [laughs]

   22. SPSpeaker26:35

       [laughs]

   23. MRMel Robbins26:36

       And-

   24. JSJay Shetty26:36

       Or, or with in my case, Radhi falls asleep just when we figured out what we were gonna watch.

   25. MRMel Robbins26:41

       Yes.

   26. JSJay Shetty26:42

       And now I'm sitting there going, "Oh, now I have to wait for you to watch this tomorrow."

   27. MRMel Robbins26:45

       Yes. No, you don't. No, you don't.

   28. JSJay Shetty26:47

       I end up doing it.

   29. MRMel Robbins26:47

       Like, like, and so, so, but th- this is really important 'cause it sounds like a dumb suggestion, but it makes a lot of sense. Because how on earth are you going to be able to start putting yourself first and drawing bigger boundaries? "No, I'm not coming home for the holidays." "No, I am not going to take that weekend shift even though you need help at work, I have plans." If you can't start to pay attention to the basic needs because you, you know, wanna please your partner and make sure they're not upset with you in the morning, so you're gonna sit up late even though you don't want to, then you're never going to be able to draw bigger boundaries when it feels like the stakes are even higher. And so what I love about this pause is it's a way to start to interrupt your own behavior-

   30. JSJay Shetty27:35

       Mm
7. 29:54 – 41:15

   Finding the Strength to Let Go and Move Forward

   1. JSJay Shetty29:54

      like, seven years, maybe even a bit longer.

   2. MRMel Robbins29:56

      Yes.

   3. JSJay Shetty29:57

      And Mel works so hard. She has been crushing for so many years. She has put in work and time and energy and effort for years.

   4. MRMel Robbins30:08

      I love you guys too.

   5. SPSpeaker30:09

      [cheers]

   6. JSJay Shetty30:09

      And I'm saying that as a friend, as an admirer, as a colleague. I have seen this human only want to help people for years and years and years, and help millions of people. And when I look at the transformations you've had from being a lawyer to being a talk show host to becoming one of theThe biggest public speakers in the country and the world to go on to write multiple best-selling books, to go on to have the number one podcast in the world, to go on to just conquer all of these different fields. But-

   7. MRMel Robbins30:42

      Who are you talking about?

   8. JSJay Shetty30:43

      [laughs]

   9. SPSpeaker30:45

      [laughs]

   10. MRMel Robbins30:45

       I am as surprised as you are, Jay. Like it's-

   11. JSJay Shetty30:47

       I'm not surprised.

   12. MRMel Robbins30:48

       [laughs]

   13. JSJay Shetty30:48

       What I'm saying is, what I love about you is that whether there has been external validation or not, in different levels in all of these years, you have kept going, you've kept pivoting, and you've kept giving. And that to me is the sign that you're fueled by something deeper, and I know that. And the question I have for you is, you've pivoted so many times in your career-

   14. MRMel Robbins31:15

       [laughs]

   15. JSJay Shetty31:15

       ... and I'm assuming that there are people out there in this audience today who are like, "Jay, I'm in this pivot right now. Like, I'm trying to build my side hustle, I wanna quit my job, I wanna build this passion. I really wanna c- continue my job, but I wanna start writing. I wanna blog, I wanna launch a podcast," right? There's people who have so many visions and dreams.

   16. MRMel Robbins31:34

       Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

   17. JSJay Shetty31:35

       How did you get the courage to let go and move on multiple times when it's so hard to let go of something that feels certain, stable, and safe? How did you choose uncertainty and unsafety-

   18. MRMel Robbins31:51

       Well-

   19. JSJay Shetty31:51

       ... when we all crave safety?

   20. MRMel Robbins31:53

       I, I think courage is the wrong word. I would use the word desperation.

   21. JSJay Shetty31:57

       [laughs]

   22. SPSpeaker31:57

       [laughs]

   23. MRMel Robbins31:58

       No, I mean it. I, I mean it, you guys. Like, I, I, I don't know what it is about my personality, but I have, like, negative energy that propels me forward.

   24. JSJay Shetty32:10

       [laughs]

   25. MRMel Robbins32:11

       I, I, I'm, I'm being-

   26. JSJay Shetty32:12

       I love you. This is why I love you

   27. MRMel Robbins32:12

       ... dead serious, you guys, 'cause courage sounds like this big thing, and I know there's no courage without fear. But the truth is, I hated my life when I was a lawyer. I mean, I would, I would literally take the freaking commuter rail in, it felt like a death sentence, and then you march from South Station-

   28. SPSpeaker32:29

       [laughs]

   29. MRMel Robbins32:29

       ... up to High Street, and then you get in the elevator, and I would contemplate, "Why is there no floor 13? Oh, I know, 'cause it's an unlucky building."

   30. SPSpeaker32:38

       [laughs]
8. 41:15 – 46:18

   Is it a Vibe or Not a Vibe?

   1. MRMel Robbins41:15

      people.

   2. JSJay Shetty41:15

      [laughs]

   3. MRMel Robbins41:16

      I need people, Jay.

   4. JSJay Shetty41:17

      Oh, Mel, I mean-

   5. MRMel Robbins41:19

      I need a-

   6. JSJay Shetty41:20

      That just-

   7. MRMel Robbins41:20

      I need another drink. Can I have yours?

   8. JSJay Shetty41:22

      Yeah, of course. Here you go.

   9. MRMel Robbins41:23

      Okay. Since I spilled mine.

   10. JSJay Shetty41:24

       [laughs] You didn't-

   11. MRMel Robbins41:25

       I would've thrown it at Chris if we had been live

   12. JSJay Shetty41:26

       ... I'm not sure you spilled it as much as you destroyed it, but, uh-

   13. SPSpeaker41:30

       [laughs]

   14. JSJay Shetty41:30

       But, uh, the person you're jealous of is not taking anything from you, but is giving something to you.

   15. SPSpeaker41:41

       [clapping]

   16. JSJay Shetty41:41

       I want everyone to write that down. Mel just said that. Write it down. That is the single best advice I've ever heard in my entire life on overcoming jealousy and envy.

   17. MRMel Robbins41:52

       Really?

   18. JSJay Shetty41:52

       There is not... Because, because you constantly think someone's taking up your space, taking up your opportunities, taking up every single access point, taking up the network. You think that, and because you think that, you think there's no space left for you. It's, uh, you think there's only a finite number of seats. And so if someone else is taking all those seats, then there's no seat for me. That is the single best advice ever. Give Mel a round of applause for that.

   19. SPSpeaker42:17

       [clapping]

   20. JSJay Shetty42:17

       Insane. Single best advice.

   21. MRMel Robbins42:18

       Well-

   22. JSJay Shetty42:19

       Um-

   23. MRMel Robbins42:19

       ... all, all I'm gonna say, Jay, is if you could text that to me, because being menopausal, I will forget that-

   24. JSJay Shetty42:25

       [laughs]

   25. MRMel Robbins42:25

       ... the second that I-

   26. JSJay Shetty42:26

       I will text it to you

   27. MRMel Robbins42:27

       ... step off that stage.

   28. JSJay Shetty42:27

       And everyone else-

   29. MRMel Robbins42:28

       Text that to me

   30. JSJay Shetty42:28

       ... will tag us.
9. 46:18 – 50:04

   Creating Safety by Letting Go of Judgment

   1. MRMel Robbins46:18

      80% of the things that actually matter, you're with somebody who's loyal, who's kind to you, who cares about you, who is interested in learning. But, you know, anybody can develop skills.

   2. JSJay Shetty46:31

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins46:31

      And becoming more self-aware, that's a skill. Becoming more, uh, like, emotionally aware, that's a skill. And so I think, you know, one of the big things, especially as a mom, that I keep saying to my kids is, we get so obsessed about the shiny stuff on the outside, like we've been talking about, that we actually don't give enough value to the things that matter over the long haul.

   4. JSJay Shetty46:56

      Yes.

   5. MRMel Robbins46:57

      Because, you know, having been with Chris for 30 years, I've hated the man at times.

   6. JSJay Shetty47:01

      [laughs]

   7. MRMel Robbins47:01

      Like, I, I literally... And, and it's, it's about whether or not you're with somebody that when you come home you're gonna exhale, that when you're going through a hard time you know that they're gonna be there for you and that you're gonna be there for them, that this is a person that may not have it all, 'cause none of us do, but it's a person that's willing to grow with you and to try. And so to me, I think that that's what I heard in that.

   8. JSJay Shetty47:25

      I love it. Great answer. Great answer.

   9. SPSpeaker47:28

      [cheering]

   10. JSJay Shetty47:28

       All right, last one. You guys having fun?

   11. SPSpeaker47:32

       Yeah.

   12. JSJay Shetty47:32

       Awesome. All right, last one. Last one before we take some questions. Okay. You have a close friend who always dates people who are bad for them.

   13. SPSpeaker47:41

       [laughs]

   14. JSJay Shetty47:42

       You can relate? Right. All right. You've said things in the past, and they haven't listened. You see them making a major mistake again, but you decide not to say anything this time. Is it a vibe?

   15. SPSpeaker47:59

       It's a vibe.

   16. JSJay Shetty48:00

       It's a vibe?

   17. SPSpeaker48:01

       Yeah.

   18. JSJay Shetty48:01

       They're saying it's a vibe to not say anything this time. I'll read it again. You have a close friend who always dates people who are bad for them. You've said things in the past, and they haven't listened. You see them making a major mistake again, but you decide not to say anything this time.

   19. SPSpeaker48:18

       Let them.

   20. JSJay Shetty48:18

       Ooh.

   21. SPSpeaker48:18

       [cheering]

   22. JSJay Shetty48:21

       Disagreement again.

   23. MRMel Robbins48:22

       Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because let them doesn't mean [censored] them.

   24. JSJay Shetty48:28

       [laughs]

   25. SPSpeaker48:28

       [laughs]

   26. MRMel Robbins48:29

       Like, everybody loves that let them, let them, let them, let them, na-na, na, na, na.

   27. JSJay Shetty48:33

       [laughs]

   28. MRMel Robbins48:34

       But there's the let me part, and the reason why they didn't listen is because you criticized them, and you were judgmental-

   29. SPSpeaker48:43

       [applauding]

   30. MRMel Robbins48:43

       ... and you thought you knew better. And so you just, like I have done in my life, made this mistake. By thinking I know better, I actually push somebody away from me.And right into the arms of that person. And so I wouldn't say what I had said in the past, but I might say, "You don't seem like yourself."
10. 50:04 – 58:50

    The Power of Outlasting Yourself

    1. MRMel Robbins50:04

       get hard and when they're gonna leave. Because, you know, also, if this is somebody that has been doing this over and over, it's a pattern, and this is something that they're gonna keep repeating. And it's gonna take time for them to see that they're worthy. And so the worst thing you could do is push them toward the other person by being judgmental. You wanna keep them very close, particularly if you're worried about them.

    2. JSJay Shetty50:26

       Beautiful. [applause] Mel. Mel, I love, I love the, uh, disagreement in the room, but coming to a nice wholesome agreement. We wanted to make this night special. The fact that you've come out for a live taping of the recording, I wanted to make sure that we get you involved, and so now Mel's kindly agreed too. Mel and I would love to take your questions. I'm gonna have Taylor from my team coming around. She has a microphone. If you have a real, genuine, burning question that you'd wanted to ask Mel, this is your opportunity.

    3. MRMel Robbins50:56

       Something really juicy that's gonna make Jay blush.

    4. JSJay Shetty50:57

       Raise your mi- uh, raise your hand, and Taylor will come and find you. This is Taylor, everyone. Make some noise for Taylor in the brown blazer. [cheers] Be nice to her, otherwise she won't pick you.

    5. MRMel Robbins51:15

       Hi, everybody.

    6. JSJay Shetty51:16

       Please-

    7. MRMel Robbins51:16

       You guys are so good looking.

    8. JSJay Shetty51:17

       [laughs] Please stand up when you, uh, ask your question. What's your-- Tell us your name. Hey, man. How's it going?

    9. SPSpeaker51:24

       Fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, such an honor, such an honor to be here with this [cheers] Mel and Jay. Oh my God. Danny Waduani, born and raised in Ghana, West Africa, Indian by origin. [cheers] And been in Boston for 20 years now.

    10. MRMel Robbins51:45

        Amazing.

    11. SPSpeaker51:47

        Here's my question for you. In all that you've shared, in all that you've become, when you are envisioning the better Mel, the Mel you've envisioned, or the highest truest version of Mel, where do you go to to tap into that source of power, courage, and reinforcement to push that Mel forward or to capture where that Mel is trying to go? Because we all have moments where we want to be somewhere.

    12. MRMel Robbins52:30

        Mm.

    13. SPSpeaker52:32

        Or we think we can get there, but we're doubting. And so much is going on around us where we, we cannot silence the noise. There must be a source of power or a source of people or a source of something that people like you and Jay tap into to say, "I can absolutely effing do this. I'm gonna go from On Purpose to-

    14. JSJay Shetty53:02

        Yeah

    15. SPSpeaker53:02

        ... in June-

    16. JSJay Shetty53:03

        Yeah.

    17. MRMel Robbins53:03

        Yep. [laughs]

    18. SPSpeaker53:03

        ... to everywhere." [cheers]

    19. JSJay Shetty53:05

        I love it.

    20. SPSpeaker53:05

        All right.

    21. JSJay Shetty53:06

        Thank you, man.

    22. SPSpeaker53:06

        Thank you.

    23. JSJay Shetty53:07

        Great question. Thank you.

    24. MRMel Robbins53:08

        Great question.

    25. JSJay Shetty53:08

        Great first question. Go, Mel.

    26. MRMel Robbins53:11

        You want me to take it first?

    27. JSJay Shetty53:11

        Yeah. Highest Mel, he said.

    28. MRMel Robbins53:13

        Okay. Oh, that's right.

    29. JSJay Shetty53:14

        Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

    30. MRMel Robbins53:14

        Okay. Well, I was gonna see how you were gonna answer, Jay.
11. 58:50 – 1:05:14

    Making Space for Hurt While Choosing Compassion

    1. JSJay Shetty58:50

       think that. I always used to believe that my imagination was big and beautiful, only to realize that the universe and God's imagination was far, far greater than anything I could imagine for myself [audience applauding] . And it's that trust in that moment when you think your imagination is better than God's and the universe's. It's in that moment when you're not getting it that you have to live what Mel's saying, in that I refuse to believe it ends like this. I love that statement. And another one that I love for myself that I've always said, and it comes back to the same advice that Mel was giving earlier. We all need mantras to keep us going. Mine has always been, "This only makes the story better."

    2. MRMel Robbins59:37

       Mm.

    3. JSJay Shetty59:37

       Every time I get rejected, I've just collected something that makes the story better when I get to tell it. And when I tell my story in five, 10, 15 years' time, this moment just made that story better. 'Cause everyone I respect and everyone I look up to has had that same story. If you're failing, you're having the same story as the person who's successful. If you're losing, you're having the same story as the person who's winning now. If you're losing right now, you're having the same story as the person who wins in 10 years. That's what they did too. They didn't win their first championship. They didn't win their first league. It didn't work that way, and so this only makes the story better.

    4. MRMel Robbins1:00:14

       Mm.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:00:14

       Like, this only makes the story better.

    6. MRMel Robbins1:00:15

       So good.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:00:16

       And so-

    8. MRMel Robbins1:00:16

       So good. [audience applauding]

    9. JSJay Shetty1:00:17

       That helps. Uh, Taylor, where are you, Taylor? Taylor's over there. Who are you handing the mic to? Hello, what's your name?

    10. SPSpeaker1:00:26

        Hello, my name is Tara from Boston.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:00:28

        Tara, so nice to meet you.

    12. SPSpeaker1:00:29

        Pleasure to meet you.

    13. MRMel Robbins1:00:29

        Hi.

    14. JSJay Shetty1:00:29

        Thanks for being here.

    15. SPSpeaker1:00:30

        Thank you so much. You have been part of my life for many years. You have no idea, so thank you.

    16. MRMel Robbins1:00:35

        Aw.

    17. SPSpeaker1:00:35

        Um, I have a question. It's for both of you. Um, how can you let go of guilt or compassion from those who have caused you the most pain? Feeling bad or, like, wanting to help the people that have hurt you. I'm gonna be very honest, 'cause that's just who I am. I think a lot of my, you know, my, my, uh, my family, unfortunately-

    18. MRMel Robbins1:00:57

        Mm-hmm

    19. SPSpeaker1:00:57

        ... has, has hurt me in ways. So I'm just trying to find, as I get older, you know, how do I let go of that guilt? I wanna give them compassion, but then I'm like, "Ugh." [laughs]

    20. MRMel Robbins1:01:08

        W- well, I, I think you have to ask yourself, how is the way that you're doing it now-Helping you. Is it working?

    21. SPSpeaker1:01:20

        I have-- I don't know. I don't, I don't really know. Um-

    22. MRMel Robbins1:01:24

        This is the only thing that has helped me, and I relate to the question, and I don't know anything about your background, so I don't wanna presume, like, anything. But you are not responsible for what was done to you, but you are responsible for what you do next. [audience applauding] And I choose to believe that human beings, basically families-- Well, first of all, you know, families teach you how to love people you hate. That's why they have families.

    23. JSJay Shetty1:02:03

        [laughs]

    24. MRMel Robbins1:02:04

        Second, uh, you know, we've had expert after expert, both Jay and I, come on, and ironically, we dropped an episode today about emotionally immature parents. People can only give you what they have to give. This does not excuse abuse. This does not mean that you didn't deserve to have family or past experiences where you felt seen and taken care of and loved for who you are and supported. But for me, really being able to separate myself from the hurt that was caused and look through it with steely cold eyes and basically go, "You know, if it wasn't given to your parents, they can't give it to you." And I have chosen to stop punishing people who did the best that they could with the situation they were in, the trauma that they had, their own life experiences, because I don't like carrying around that judgment and hate. I don't like constantly living in the past. It is so much easier and freeing to basically look through the eyes of compassion and say, "I deserved more, and I see fully you were not equipped to give me what I deserve." [audience applauding] And as long as I hold judgment over what happened, I am still in the past. I am still suffering. You know, there was this analogy, I think it's T.D. Jakes and Oprah Winfrey, and I believe the context is that he was counseling her about her relationship with her mother. And he basically said, "In life, there are people who have a quarter cup capacity. That's what they got. They got a quarter cup of love and attention and patience to give." And then there are those of us, probably most of us in the room, that have a gallon need. If somebody only has a quarter cup to give you, and they have poured all of that into a person who has a gallon need, we will not feel satiated, seen, or taken care of, ever. There's this massive mismatch, and no amount of judgment, no amount of anything is gonna change the fact that they are who they are. This is what happened, but you get to choose what happens next. And for me, learning to say, "This person is who they are. Let them be who they are." Now I get to choose how much time do I put into this, how much energy. Do I wanna look and see and understand what they went through so that I feel more compassion, and it's not as personal as it feels? I, I, it's, it's a, it's a tricky thing to do, and it's a lifelong process 'cause they're gonna continue to trigger the hell outta you because they are who they are. But you get to choose how much time and energy you put into it. You get to choose what kind of relationship you wanna create or not with the people that hurt you in the past, and that's where your power

12. 1:05:14 – 1:14:43

    Turning What You Love Into a Business

    1. MRMel Robbins1:05:14

       is. [audience applauding]

    2. JSJay Shetty1:05:21

       Uh, Tara, I'll just say I love everything Mel said, and the only thing I'll add is if you wanna feel compassion for anyone that hurt you, it starts with first being compassionate to yourself. [audience applauding] And allowing yourself the opportunity to feel angry, to feel betrayed, to feel hurt. Then you'll rise to maybe wanting to feel distant, maybe not wanting to be involved. And there may be one day you'll desire to feel compassionate truly in a deep way. Compassion's at the top of the ladder. It's not the first step. And when you wanna feel it on day one, it almost stops you from taking the first step on the ladder. So if the first step on the ladder is anger, you're on the first step. And the fifth step is, "I don't want anything to do with them." And then the tenth step is, "I see why they treated me that way. I get it." [audience applauding] You know?

    3. MRMel Robbins1:06:37

       And then you're free.

    4. JSJay Shetty1:06:37

       Thanks, Tara. Thank you. All right, Taylor. Who you picking next? [laughs] Hey, tell us your name.

    5. SPSpeaker1:06:50

       Hi, I'm Andrea Giancantieri, and I'm a co-founder of The Whiny Gynae. And I wanna understand how you took hobbies and turned them into businesses to drive your message forward.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:07:05

       It's a great question. You want me to go first, Mel?

    7. MRMel Robbins1:07:07

       Sure. 'Cause I wanna know all your secrets so I can copy.

    8. JSJay Shetty1:07:12

       [laughs] The reason why I love that question is because at least for me, I never believed this would ever be my livelihood.

    9. MRMel Robbins1:07:24

       Mm.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:07:25

        When I left the monastery and I knew I just wanted to spread the wisdom I'd learned, I was happy and satisfied doing it on evenings and weekends. So I would put together events of five to 10 people if they'd show up in the heart of London and talk to five to 10 people. I would do it for free. There was no social media, there was no video, nothing was recorded, there was no content, because I just got to do what I was passionate about. And when I started to do that, with no pressure by the way, when I did that, there was no pressure because I didn't need 1,000 people in the audience. I didn't need a million views. I didn't need 100,000 followers. I could just be present. I then felt to myself, "Well, I wanna share this with more people. Maybe I should put a video out. Maybe that will reach more people." Again, that was the last thing I wanted to do at the time, but I'll tell you a bit about my story in the second half, and so I put that out. And then what happened is I got to a point in my life where I had 200 million views on my videos, but I was four months away from being broke. And I had this really interesting reflection. I thought, "Wait a minute. I'm trying to teach the world abundance."

    11. MRMel Robbins1:08:42

        [laughs]

    12. JSJay Shetty1:08:43

        [laughs] "And I'm trying to help the world live their purpose and their passion, but I don't know if I can even do this for longer than the next three months because I can't even put food on the table through it."

    13. MRMel Robbins1:08:58

        See, Jay? It's not courage at all, is it, everybody?

    14. JSJay Shetty1:09:03

        [laughs]

    15. MRMel Robbins1:09:03

        He's got a problem.

    16. JSJay Shetty1:09:04

        He's got a problem to solve. And so I realized what I had to do first of all... But the reason is when you start with thinking you wanna build a business, it's really hard because that's where you don't get to fail, you don't get to try, you don't get to choose, you don't get to play because there's too much pressure. Then when the pressure piles up and you think about it, you look at, the first thing for me was, "How can I serve people best and what are they truly looking for from me?" Right? "How do I serve people best? What's the impact that I can have that's the greatest, and what do they truly want from me that's different?" And that's how we started the Genius community, which was my membership app that we launched seven years ago now, and it became the pillar because what people wanted, they were watching these videos, but they were like, "Jay, we want weekly access to you. We wanna hear your ideas. We wanna hear your insights. We wanna almost feel like we're getting a workshop from you every single week." And so for seven years, every single week [laughs] I gave a private workshop to a group of people who subscribed to Genius. That's how it started for me. And so what I'm saying to you is it starts as a passion, it starts as a hobby, and then you figure out what you can do for people that they truly want from you and that you can serve them differently with, and then you build around that. You don't just go, "Oh, I'm gonna try and build this random thing, and I think this is what people want, and this..." Because what ends up happening is you waste time, money, and energy. You, you take a moment, take a beat to listen to the people you're serving and ask them, speak to them, connect with them. I always say to people, "If you got 100 followers, they can share so much with you about why they love you and why they follow you." You don't need to wait, like Mel was saying earlier, you don't need to wait till you have a million followers to launch a business. You could have 100 followers. That creates an amazing business for you because you deeply understand their need, you serve them, and you take care of them. And I think the people that get to take care of millions of people who started off as people who took care of five, and that's where it all begins. And so take care of whoever's there connecting and resonating right now and let it flow.

    17. MRMel Robbins1:11:11

        I would add one other thing, 'cause it sounds like you kinda know what you wanna do. So I think the mistake that everybody makes, especially in today's world, 'cause we live in the most amazing time, you guys. You can legally stalk people.

    18. JSJay Shetty1:11:23

        [laughs]

    19. MRMel Robbins1:11:24

        There is somebody doing this business somewhere, and they have shared the formula. Spend a year being a student of it. You better believe a year before I started this podcast, I was all up in Jay's grill.

    20. JSJay Shetty1:11:37

        [laughs]

    21. MRMel Robbins1:11:37

        I was watching everything this man was doing. That's why I'm like, "Two episodes a week. Jay's doing two episodes a week. I'm doing..." Like, all the people that are at the top are doing a daily episode or they're doing two epi- The formula is there, and now there's gonna be a problem. So give yourself a year to be a student of what you want to be a master of. Search for formulas. What are people doing that are succeeding? Jay's right. Listen to the people that are there and what's missing. And here's gonna be the problem. You're gonna literally be like, "Well, then I'm copying Jay. Then I'm doing it like them." Dude, you're gonna make it your own because you're your own person.

    22. JSJay Shetty1:12:13

        Mm-hmm.

    23. MRMel Robbins1:12:13

        But everybody in the history of time basically kinda does the same thing. There are no new ideas, for crying out loud.

    24. JSJay Shetty1:12:21

        Yep.

    25. MRMel Robbins1:12:21

        And so you're literally gonna go, "But they're doing it this way, and I gotta make it my way, and it's gotta be special, and it's gotta have a logo, and it's gotta do all this." And so then you're gonna avoid doing what are called the reps, the boring, tedious, annoying things that successful people do in the dark. It gets you no credit and no money, but that actually builds the business. And so if you wanna turn a hobby into a business, be a student first, search for the formulas, then take another year to actually show up every day and put your money where your mouth is, and do it broke, and do it in the dark while nobody cares and is paying attention, and then pay attention to the 10 people that have shown up because they're your people. And if you do that, within two years you'll be shocked at what you can create. Shocked.

    26. JSJay Shetty1:13:12

        I love it. [applause] Oh, my gosh. Everyone, I want you to know we have got a whole second half in store for you. I'm gonna be guiding you through some interactives. We've got a meditation. But Mel has to jump on a flight. She's got a show in New York. So I want you to give it up for my friend Mel Robbins. [applause] Get on your feet.

    27. MRMel Robbins1:13:32

        I love you guys.

    28. JSJay Shetty1:13:34

        On your feet.

    29. MRMel Robbins1:13:35

        I love you. Whoa. There goes my... I'm knocking shit over, Jay. I love you. [upbeat music]

    30. JSJay Shetty1:13:40

        Do you know?

Episode duration: 1:14:43