Jay Shetty PodcastNara Smith EXCLUSIVE: They Call Me a 'Tradwife' But Here’s the Real Story
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
100 min read · 20,166 words- 0:00 – 2:16
Intro
- SPSpeaker
I would be crying every single day. I didn't wanna leave the house. I didn't wanna interact with anyone because all the comments and the hate got to me so bad.
- SPSpeaker
[upbeat music] South African-born model Nara Smith rose to fame after her cooking videos went viral.
- JSJay Shetty
And her fans have been fascinated with everything from her family life to her style.
- SPSpeaker
People love projecting things onto me, and because I cook for my husband, I'm in the kitchen and trapped, and I'm just at home, and he's the breadwinner. They use me as this poster child of this, like, very traditional wife.
- JSJay Shetty
I feel like 18 is very young to get married. Did you always wanna get married young?
- SPSpeaker
I never thought about marriage. I never thought about long-term. But then when I met Lucky, it kind of just clicked.
- JSJay Shetty
What gave you that inner confidence to be able to say, "I know what I want. I know who I am"?
- SPSpeaker
The number one health and wellness podcast.
- SPSpeaker
Jay Shetty.
- JSJay Shetty
Jay Shetty.
- SPSpeaker
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
For someone who doesn't know your content-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... or may have come across it but doesn't really know you, how would you explain or describe what you actually do online?
- SPSpeaker
I always find it so interesting when I get asked that question, because to me it just feels so natural what I do, and I guess it's just me being in the kitchen, sharing my love for cooking, but also wearing outfits that you probably typically wouldn't wear in the kitchen, just because [laughs] I'm a fashion girl at heart. And when I moved to America, I didn't really leave the house a lot because we had kids, and then I couldn't work, and all of these things. So I was like, well, if I can cook at home in a cool outfit, why not?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
It's sitting in my closet anyways. So I think that kind of sparked the fashion aspect of my content, and then cooking is just something I feel like I slipped into, and then also learning a lot about myself, my health journey. That also inspired the from-scratch cooking. I feel like that's how I build my audience, and people loved seeing it and tuning in.
- JSJay Shetty
It is natural, for sure.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
But it's, it's so clever and smart and wonderful-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... at the same time.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, like you said, no one's used to seeing someone cook a meal from scratch-
- SPSpeaker
No
- JSJay Shetty
... in, like, a brand-new Prada-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... you know, dress or whatever it may be. And you're, like, dressed in all white while you're, like ...
- SPSpeaker
That is risky. The fact that I actually have never spilled anything on myself baffles me every-
- 2:16 – 4:44
Blending a Love for Fashion and Cooking
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
Not even as an outtake?
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
Oh my God.
- SPSpeaker
Not while cooking, but then I sit down and eat, and all of a sudden-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
... I've got stuff on me. It's really ... I don't know how it happens, but fingers crossed that I'm not jinxing it right now. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs] You'd be really disappointed watching me cook or try-
- SPSpeaker
You know what? I think I'd have a laugh because watching Lucky cook in the kitchen is [laughs] interesting.
- JSJay Shetty
Is he terrible?
- SPSpeaker
Oh, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That makes me feel so much better.
- SPSpeaker
No, he's terrible. The only thing I- he does know how to make really well is a steak.
- JSJay Shetty
Okay.
- SPSpeaker
So usually when it comes to, like, steak, I'm like, "You do it," 'cause sometimes I get iffy with it. So he'll do that. I'll do all the rest, and he's a good baker.
- JSJay Shetty
Right.
- SPSpeaker
I feel like baking is something that you could get into, actually, if you're not already into it.
- JSJay Shetty
No, don't. I'm, I'm, I'm so bad. [laughs]
- SPSpeaker
You just have to level your spoons and you're fine.
- JSJay Shetty
Right. Yeah.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
I'm not sure I could do any of that. I'm, I'm like a full-on mess. There's a video of me ... Radhi always, like, gets me in the kitchen somehow for-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... for videos, and there's a video of me peeling an avocado, which is really-
- SPSpeaker
I need to see it
- JSJay Shetty
... the most embarrassing thing.
- SPSpeaker
Wait, what do you mean?
- JSJay Shetty
Exa-
- SPSpeaker
How do you peel it?
- JSJay Shetty
Well, just watch the video.
- 4:44 – 7:57
The Grandmother Who Shaped Her Life
- SPSpeaker
really surprised my parents let me stay home. But I think [laughs] they saw that I actually wasn't feeling well. And then I remember getting a call on our house telephone at the time, and I just ... I don't know. My heart dropped, which is weird, because we got calls all the time, but I just knew my grandma pa- passed in that moment, and I don't know how. So I answered the call, and it was the old age home that she was in, and they were like, "Is your dad home?" And in that moment, I just knew, 'cause I kind of put two and two together, and that was a really sad day. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was definitely in elementary or starting high school.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. And was it something she did, or was it how she lived?
- SPSpeaker
I think how she lived. Like, she wasn't afraid to do things. She was very independent. She was just so strong. She was such a strong woman, and I think that's what was really inspiring to me.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I think it's so beautiful. I feel like there are so many people around us who've impacted our lives-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... but they never said a thing.
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, they didn't tell you how to live.
- SPSpeaker
No. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
They didn't give you advice. It's not that they shared some wisdom with you, but you just felt their presence and their energy and how they carried themselves.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Especially grandparents. I think Radhi has that same connection with her grandmother-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... who's still alive. But she just feels her-
- SPSpeaker
I know
- JSJay Shetty
... infectious energy when she's around her.
- SPSpeaker
And that's something I hope that I will have with my children and my grandkids one day, to where I don't have to say a lot. I can just be me and live authentically like myself, and they'll take awayWhatever they need to, to live their lives in the fullest way.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. There's, th- there's ... You reminded me of this beautiful quote from St. Francis, who I love, and he wrote that, you know, "Wherever you go, you should preach."
- SPSpeaker
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
"So whenever, wherever you travel, you should preach, and if necessary, open your mouth."
- SPSpeaker
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's that idea of, like, we, we actually preach by not preaching. We, we preach through our character, our energy, how people feel when they're around us, and that says so much more than the words that come out of our mouth.
- SPSpeaker
It does.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. But where did the modeling begin? Because I believe you became a model at 14.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
How did you ... Talk to me about that transition of-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah. So that, I actually started Instagram right when it came out.
- JSJay Shetty
No way.
- 7:57 – 9:15
Starting a Modeling Career at 14
- SPSpeaker
back, and it's great.
- JSJay Shetty
What gave you the confidence at 13 to, like, take pictures, post them? Like, where was that coming from?
- SPSpeaker
I think at that age, at least for me, I had no sense of embarrassment or humility in a way. I was like, "Yeah, I look great. I'm tall. I'm whatever." Like, at that age, I wasn't really insecure about anything, and I think that came later-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm
- SPSpeaker
... with obviously the modeling industry comes with a lot of your appearance is basically the most important thing, so then all of a sudden you think about all these things. And I think that's where the insecurity came in, and I was blissfully kind of unaware of all my [laughs] flaws, I guess, at that age, which kind of helped me to get to that point. And then after is kind [laughs] of when the insecurity set in.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. It's so interesting, right? Like, I think that age is also getting younger and younger where insecurity sets in now.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, if you were the generation where Instagram was your first app at 13-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... when I was 13, I had a brick phone.
- SPSpeaker
Ugh, I love that actually.
- JSJay Shetty
So, like, my ... Yeah. My life was my parents got it for me because I used to get a bus home from school-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... on my own, so I could just text my mom-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... or call her and say, "Hey, Mom, I'm on the bus."
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And that was the reason I had it. And, you know, you had to, like, key in your ringtones.
- SPSpeaker
[gasps]
- JSJay Shetty
Like, there was no ... You know, there wasn't an app.
- SPSpeaker
And you had to, like-
- JSJay Shetty
Apps didn't exist
- SPSpeaker
... press the button
- 9:15 – 10:02
How to Put Confidence Before Comparison
- SPSpeaker
three times to get the letter. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Literally, yeah. This isn't a smartphone, right?
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
So it's interesting to think how 13 for me was phones were becoming a thing, 13 for you is Instagram, 13 now-
- SPSpeaker
I don't even want to know. That's one of the things that I actually feel really strongly about is protecting my kids from that world and doing everything in my power for them to not be involved in that in whatever way that is. Like, they're not getting smartphones. I mean, they're too young to even have a phone right now. They're three and ... Well, a baby and then three and four, so that's not something we're even talking about. But Lucky and I have always said we're never getting them smartphones. We're gonna get them a phone that they can call us with and text us with. But also being in the digital space and knowing what the internet is like and knowing what the modeling industry is like, I would never, ever want to subject
- 10:02 – 11:59
Protecting Kids from the Dangers of the Online World
- SPSpeaker
my kids to that. So that's something that I think I'm, like, painfully aware of to where I just wanna protect them so much. Because also I think I wasn't protected enough when I was a kid because my parents didn't know any better. They'd never seen Instagram before. They'd never heard [laughs] about Snapchat. They've never heard about all these different apps that all of a sudden started popping up. And as a kid, you're not very, at least I wasn't very forthcoming to my parents about what I was doing on my phone in my room at night. And I think those things are just so important for me to keep my kids away from because of how dangerous the internet can be, especially for young kids.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. How did your parents feel when you went to Paris-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... got signed? Like, what was that like for them?
- SPSpeaker
They were really excited.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SPSpeaker
They were so excited for me because I, I feel like I also matured quite quickly to where they kind of trusted me in what I was doing, and they let me travel by myself and let me do all these things, which now in hindsight I'm like, "You guys really, you trusted me a lot." But I never misused that or gave them a reason to not, and I think that's what was really important for them in order for me to do what I wanted to do. They were always so supportive as long as I kind of put in the effort to get to where I wanted to get. And that, they, they still are. They come and watch the kids if I have to work. They come and help me do something. If I have to do content, they'll help. Like, they've always been so supportive, which I'm really grateful for because I know not everyone has that experience growing up.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. It's amazing that you were able to mature young but that they were able to trust you 'cause that's-
- SPSpeaker
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... an interesting balance. I felt like when I was young I was maturing fast, but my parents, it took a second for them-
- SPSpeaker
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... to kind of, like, let go and trust that what I was doing was right.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And so it, that is wonderful. But did it ever get unhealthy for you? Like, from a-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah. It's never worth it to sacrifice your health and how you feel for something, because you are going to be good enough in whatever way you choose to show
- 11:59 – 12:49
How Early Parental Trust Can Fuel Success
- SPSpeaker
up. You do not have to try to fit into a mold that someone else is designing just to be good enough for them. Because at the end of the day, whenever you've outgrown that mold, you become useless to them instead of just starting off as you and them either accepting it or not, and then you move on if they don't. And I think that's one thing that-I'm kind of learning the more I grow up, it's I don't wanna fit in someone else's mold. I'll do whatever I wanna do. If you want to be on this journey with me, I'd love to have you. If you don't, that is okay, and you can do whatever you wanna do. And I think I have had so many unhealthy patterns with eating and my self-worth and how I look that I just, I'm happy that I've outgrown that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. W- so well said. And for people who are looking at you and they're like, "Nara, I wanna be a creator. I wanna make stuff on TikTok. I
- 12:49 – 14:03
Why You Should Never Sacrifice Your Health
- JSJay Shetty
wanna be on Instagram. I wanna be in fashion. I wanna be a model," let's look at some of those lanes right now-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... and break down your advice for people. If someone right now is saying, "I wanna be a model," what should they be thinking about? How should they be approaching that career?
- SPSpeaker
I think figuring out what exactly you wanna do. There's, like, different things in modeling. You can be high fashion, you can be commercial, you could be runway. Like, there's so many different things, so figuring out... I think it's so important to figure out what you want, what your goals are, and then seeking that. So if you wanna be a model, maybe posting on social media, reaching out to agencies, sending in your resume, like, really doing things to get to that goal. Obviously, feeling and looking the best to you.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
So don't try to go off and do something that you think agencies will like. Be authentically yourself, and if you feel like the best version of yourself, go and reach those goals.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. And what about from a content point of view? Like, what were you posting before you became this version of you online? Like, what was your feed?
- SPSpeaker
I think it was pretty... Not, not pretty similar, actually. I sprinkled in cooking videos here and there, but they were, like, super simple, like salads and stuff, because I didn't feel that confident sharing that much of my cooking because I was learning and, like,
- 14:03 – 17:01
Finding Real Love in the Digital World
- SPSpeaker
cooking anti-inflammatory recipes that aren't super interesting. So I sprinkled in the cooking. I did a lot of morning routines, like the classic, like, morning routines, evening routines, little fit checks, get dressed with mes. I would do makeup, um, tutorials. Kind of like a mix of a lot of things, and then cooking kind of started taking off, so I went with that, and now I sprinkle in all the other things here and there.
- JSJay Shetty
How many videos did you post, do you remember, before you had a viral moment that really made you go, "Oh, wow"?
- SPSpeaker
I don't remember the exact amount of videos, but I do remember the first video was so random that went viral. It was me filming Lucky. It was like a five-second clip of... We came back from church, and Lucky was in his, like, shirt and slacks from church, and it was, like, a random clip of him, like, cutting an apple, and I said s- there was, like, some text overlay over it being like... I don't even know what the text overlay was. And then I put some, like, viral song on it, and it got 30 million views, and I'm like, "I don't know what's happening, but I guess people are finding my husband hot. It's great."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
Um, so that was the first, like, viral video, and then it, like, kind of was just random things, but then the first cooking viral video was me making bread, butter, and peach jam for my kids from scratch. And that's actually the first video, I think, that the voice was actually more present because my baby was sleeping next to me, and that kind of went off. And then I didn't really think of it, though. I didn't really tap into that niche really until a little later on, like months. I did post consistently every single day on TikTok for, like, a solid year. I never took days off. It was like every day a video would go up, and now I'm a little bit more lenient with it because it's so much content, and I think people don't understand how much it takes. Like, I'm in the kitchen for, like, five to seven hours every day, and then I put my kids to bed and edit for another two hours. Like, it does take a lot of time to do what I do, so I'm trying to, like, give myself a little bit more time off here and there. And now with all of my other work things going on, I'm traveling constantly, I'm doing things. So one piece of advice actually that I do have for people is doing things because you love them, not because they'll perform well. I think that there's, like, a rule that you can make with yourself of, like, filming content that you know is gonna perform well and sprinkling that in because you wanna keep your engagement up. You wanna, like, do that, but then also not getting lost in that and being like, "Well, I hate doing X, Y, and Z, but I know it's gonna get my views up," and then losing yourself in that, and then losing the passion and love that you have for creating content. And then essentially you're putting yourself in this box. You're locking yourself in this box because you think that other people want you to just stay in there. But it's actually just you doing that instead of you being like, "Okay, I'll post content that's gonna perform really well and that I know people will love, but also I love filming, I don't know, cleaning. So I'm gonna post that as well. Even though it doesn't perform as well, it fills up my cup." So I think finding, finding the
- 17:01 – 18:55
How Modern Dating Has Evolved
- SPSpeaker
balance of posting good-performing content and content that you love, and then es- essentially the content that you love to create is the content that's gonna go viral at the end of the day.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. Yeah, that's really good advice.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
I think that's really honest advice as well because it is that balance-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... because of the way the algorithm works and everything.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And then ideally what you said is you find that intersection-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... and you keep looking for it, and that's why I wanted to ask you your strategy and your time. Even hearing you're cooking for five to seven hours-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... editing for two hours a day, I think that's very real.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And I wanted people to hear that because it wasn't like this was the first thing you did and it took off.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
There was loads of other stuff before it.
- SPSpeaker
I've been on social media for 10-plus years now, so even though the last year has been so crazy in terms of virality, I've done social media since I've been 14. So it, it took a lot of trial and error. It's... I've done a lot of different things. I've... Fashion has been a part of my content for so long. Like, ever since I've been 14, I started posting outfits back then. So I think consistency and just keeping going and doing what you love, and essentially something is gonna stick at some point, and you'll kind of tap into that and really use that, but then also not to lose the other parts that you actually love. Because it can get so easy being like, "Oh, I'm gonna do this, and I'm gonna act crazy like this because I know it's gonna perform," but then losing the spark and the love for what you do.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.Definitely
- SPSpeaker
And people are gonna see that online.
- JSJay Shetty
For sure.
- SPSpeaker
People are gonna- people know when you're authentic and know when you're true to yourself, and they can tell if something gets done for the views or the clickbait or whatever it is. Like, you wanna stay authentically yourself because you want longevity. You don't wanna be a viral moment that happens for six months, and then you're done. There's been so many creators that had that viral moment, but now they're nowhere in sight because that, that's not really... They haven't really built something that is sustainable. So I would take sustainability
- 18:55 – 21:51
Making Young Marriage Work
- SPSpeaker
and building a community over going viral and getting the followers and numbers quickly, and then just having people that tune in because they're interested, not because they actually, like, love and support you and wanna be part of this little family you're building.
- JSJay Shetty
So many people are told when they have a viral moment or when things happen, "You've got six months. Make the most of it."
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And I think so many people are given that bad advice. I've heard managers, agents, everyone say to people, "Hey, you've got 12 months, and after that you're gonna be irrelevant, so just make the most of it."
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And I think it's in that moment going, "Well, no, I love this. Like, I'm gonna allow this to pursue my passions. I'm not just gonna keep doing the same thing because someone keeps telling me, 'Just do your thing.' I'm gonna see how this can build." And you can actually then have a longer career. Whereas, like you said, if you just lean into that fad, then that's gonna go away, and it's not sustainable.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah. And I think building something on what you love instead of what's trending or viral or whatever, and people are gonna stick around for that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SPSpeaker
There's, there's people that have been, like, big content creators for 20-plus years now. They're like- They're doing great, and I think it's because they love what they do. It's because they wake up every single day and want to do what they do because they see the fun in it, not because they had a viral moment and did whatever it took to get there, and then what?
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- SPSpeaker
You know?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Absolutely. What, what's exciting you right now? Like, what... You've got so much going on.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs] I do.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, what about it is just bringing you joy and bringing you life?
- SPSpeaker
I think being in a position where I feel like I get to do exactly what I've always wanted to do. Like, I get to travel and do my fashion stuff and be in campaigns and do other things that I can't talk about just yet, but that I know people have been asking me for for so long, that I can finally dedicate time to and really get something beautifully done. So I think just being in a position of feeling immense gratitude to be able to fulfill all of my dreams and living this, like, reality that I've always dreamt about ever since being a child. And I just feel very privileged and grateful to be able to do that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, you deserve it. It's beautiful.
- SPSpeaker
Thank you.
- JSJay Shetty
I think anyone who's listening right now, like, I'm sure that advice applies to so many people-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... in so many different walks of life, where everyone can think of something they pretended to be or tried to be or wanted to be because someone else wanted that.
- SPSpeaker
How exhausting is that, though?
- JSJay Shetty
It's so exhausting.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs] It's so exhausting. It's not worth it.
- JSJay Shetty
No, it's not worth it, but it almost... Like you said, I, I love the way you explained it really simply, where it was like, "I thought being a model meant you're beautiful."
- SPSpeaker
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And I think that's what we all say. I thought going to a good college meant I was successful.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
I thought getting a good job out of college meant I was gonna be rich, and that meant I was important, right? Whatever it is, we all have our own formula of what we were told and what we thought we had to live up to.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, I, I genuinely believed that if I went to a good college and I got a good degree and I got a good job, then that would mean my
- 21:51 – 23:45
The Power of Knowing What You Want
- JSJay Shetty
life was on track.
- SPSpeaker
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And if I didn't do that, then that would mean my life was not on track.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
So that was my version of yours, and I was very lucky that I started breaking it quite early as well. You said it was meeting Lucky that-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... started to break that down for you.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
How did you guys meet? How did you connect?
- SPSpeaker
[laughs] Yeah, he sent me a DM. We DM'd for a little bit, and then we exchanged phone numbers, and he was the crappiest texter.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
Like, he was so bad at texting to the point where I just wanted to be done. I'm like, "I don't even care about talking to this guy anymore." And then one day he said, "I'm going on a camping trip. I won't have service, but when I'm back, I would love to just hop on a phone call." And in my mind I'm like, "Okay, sure, whatever," 'cause I would prefer a phone call anyways. I'm not a great texter. But I kind of thought that he was just saying that. But then he got back from his camping trip, and he actually called me, and we were on the phone for seven hours straight on that phone call. And I don't know what happened after that phone call, but it just felt like I couldn't be without him anymore. So from that day on, we were on the phone every single day. And when we weren't talking, we were just sleeping on the phone. Like, the phone would be next to me, [laughs] and I'd just be sleeping. Because we also had a time difference, where I lived in Germany and he lived in LA, so it was a little bit of a struggle, but we still made it work every single day. And then two weeks after that initial phone call, I told him I'd be in Milan 'cause I was walking a fashion show, and he was like, "Me too. What fashion show?" And it ended up being the same one-
- JSJay Shetty
No way
- SPSpeaker
... that I was walking that he was attending. So that was the first time we met in person, and then that same day he asked me to be his girlfriend. He met my parents for the first time, asked my dad to marry me when he met him the first time. Then I flew to LA, met his parents. Two days later we were engaged, and then two months after that, I believe we were married. So-
- JSJay Shetty
Wow.
- SPSpeaker
It was so crazy, so quick, but so great.
- JSJay Shetty
Wow.
- SPSpeaker
And now here we are five years later.
- JSJay Shetty
That's beautiful.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah. [laughs]
- 23:45 – 26:30
Building a Relationship on Shared Values
- JSJay Shetty
That's amazing.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That's, that's a true, like, rocket ship. Like-
- SPSpeaker
No, it truly was. And a lot of people were, were really questioning whether we were sane in doing it this quick, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. It's been great. It doesn't matter how much I voice those things and try to make people understand that I am actually a full-time working mom, that they just don't wanna get it. They use me as this poster child of this, like, very traditional wife, and I'm not. We split chores 50/50. There's things that Lucky does that I guess traditional men wouldn't do, like-Do the dishes or get the kids dressed or do their hair or whatever it may be that people don't associate with a traditional men- man, and there's things that I do, like having a full-time career and having Lucky be home watching the children while I travel for two weeks, which is, I guess, not traditional in their mind. It's odd. And I'm not confined to the kitchen. I, I cook and do things because I love to do it, not because I have to. If I'm tired, I will go and eat out. If I don't wanna do that, I will go into the kitchen and make myself a meal, and I think I just love it so much to where it never feels like a chore to me.
- JSJay Shetty
I remember when me and Radhi first met, she was at college.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
She was doing her second degree, and I'd just left the monastery, like, six months before. And so we literally... I saw her every day-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... until I got a job. And so I would go to her college-
- SPSpeaker
Wait, I love love
- JSJay Shetty
... we would, yeah-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... I would go to her college. I would sit in the, like, library and apply for jobs online and fill out my resume and all that kind of stuff. She'd go to her lectures, then she'd come back. We'd hang out in between, have lunch together, and I did that every single day, and it was so beautiful because we really got to know each other-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... because we spent so much normal time together.
- SPSpeaker
Normal time, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, even when we started hanging out, we barely went out on a date. Like, that was how we dated, and I would hang out with her friends. They'd come and join us.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
And it's like you get such a real perspective of who that person is-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... as opposed to, oh, I see you once a week.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
We dress up for this date.
- SPSpeaker
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
You know, maybe I spend, like, an hour and a half, two hours with you, but when you're talking to someone for seven hours a day, when we're spending, like, seven hours a day together-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... you get a different sense of who that person is, and you can only do that when you're young.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, if I was dating now at this age in my life, I couldn't even spend that much time with someone-
- SPSpeaker
No
- 26:30 – 29:45
Marriage Is Both Collaboration and Compromise
- SPSpeaker
at 18. So in my mind, I was not really at that point that they're at now, and I always think it's so interesting to see people dating nowadays. It feels almost intimidating, and I'm very lucky I'm not in that position. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
It's hard.
- SPSpeaker
I couldn't imagine.
- JSJay Shetty
It's hard out there.
- SPSpeaker
I couldn't imagine.
- JSJay Shetty
What advice do you have for your friends? What... Do they, do they ask you for advice and thoughts and-
- SPSpeaker
They actually don't because I... The thing is with Lucky and I, it went so quick, and I told him, I remember when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him, "I'm gonna take this very serious, so are you sure you wanna ask me this?" Because to me, I never wanted to date just to date, and I think now with all of my friends, they love dating. They love the process of it. For me personally, I always hated it because I felt like I had to open up to all these people and get to know these people just for it to not work out, and it felt like a waste of time for me. So with Lucky, I told him when it became serious, like, "I take this very serious. It's either gonna end in marriage or we're just gonna be done now because I'm not gonna invest my time in you if that's not the ultimate goal." And he was like, "Yeah, we're aligned."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
And we truly were, so I think-
- JSJay Shetty
How were you so confident and sure of that at 18? Like, I feel like 18 is very young to get married in terms of if you look at trends.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, did you always wanna get married young? Was that always part of the-
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
Oh, interesting.
- SPSpeaker
Which is really odd because I had a relationship before Lucky, and I never felt that way towards my previous partner. I, I, I never thought about marriage. I never thought about long-term, and I think it just was because I wasn't in love with him and it wasn't the right person that I felt like I could spend the rest of my life with. But then when I met Lucky, it kind of just clicked, and I just thought, "We're either gonna do this or we're not." And I think... I don't know, I feel like I've always been a little bit more mature for my age than a person at my age would be, and I've always wanted different things in life than other people. I always wanted to start a family. I wanted to have a slower life. I wanted to get married younger. I wanted to work and build something for my kids, and I never... My priorities were never in, like, partying or going out or dating around or going on a lot of fun vacations. My priorities were a little different, so I think maybe subconsciously aligned my values and what I wanted with how I shaped my life.
- JSJay Shetty
That's so- such a conscious way to live.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, it's such an intentional way to live.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, for you to even be able to communicate to him at 18 and say, "Hey, dude, if you don't wanna be serious about this-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... I'm not in," like-
- SPSpeaker
No
- JSJay Shetty
... and also for him to receive it, too.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
It takes a lot from him. There's a lot of maturity on his side, too.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Because I think a lot of people would say, "Yeah, of course," and then, you know-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... leave six months later or whatever it is.
- 29:45 – 30:54
Why Fast-Paced Dating Doesn’t Work
- JSJay Shetty
gave you that inner confidence to be able to say, "No, I know what I want. I know who I am"? Can you reflect for a second on where you think that originated from?
- SPSpeaker
It probably was my dad. I think he's always been very supportive in whatever I wanted to do, and he's very Type A, so he's... From a young age he told us, "Start saving. Get a job. Do these things." And I think he's instilled these, like, very strong values in me to where I knew exactly what I wanted. And also, having finished high school and being in a place where I kind of had to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and then meeting someone and being like, "This is gonna work out or you're gonna waste my time," I just felt like I knew what I wanted-And I think turning 18 gave me that confidence. I was like, "I'm an adult now. I can do whatever I want, and I better [laughs] do it good." And I think that also gave me that confidence to where I could make my own decisions now, and I didn't have to rely on anyone or anything to make those decisions for me. So as soon as I turned 18, I was like, "Okay, this is what I want my life to be. If you wanna be a part of it, great. If you don't, great." I don't know. I wanted it to serve
- 30:54 – 33:31
Working Together to Strengthen Your Relationship
- SPSpeaker
me.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SPSpeaker
And I wanted a partner to fit into my life and add to my life, and it not feel like a compromise. Because I feel like I had everything I wanted. I had my family. I had my friends. I was re- really happy. I had work things that I wanted to do. I was traveling for work. I was busy. So to me, it felt like if I'm gonna commit to being in a relationship with a partner, you're either gonna add to my life or you're not of value to me. Not in a, in a negative way, but more so I don't wanna pour my energy into someone and spend all of this time with someone that ultimately is not gonna add anything to my life.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, it's really smart. I mean, it makes so much sense.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And when you say it like that, I ha- probably haven't thought about it like that for a long time, but as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking, "You're so right."
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
We waste so much time, money, energy on people that are not gonna be in our life-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... for longer than 6 to 12 months. And maybe they're around for a bit longer, but I think about it all the time, the amount of money I wasted on dates-
- SPSpeaker
On dates
- JSJay Shetty
... the amount of-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... energy I wasted thinking about whether that person was gonna message me back, all of that. And of course, we all have to learn, and we all have certain things to go through, but there is a wisdom in, let's be really clear about what we're both investing here. What was different about Lucky that you hadn't experienced before that made you feel so confident with him? As you said, you didn't really sense that before, so you knew there was something special. But what was it about him that you feel now when you're looking back that really resonated at that 18-year-old age?
- SPSpeaker
I think it felt like it was two complete people coming together and forming a unity. It wasn't like I had everything figured out and he didn't, or he had everything figured out and I didn't. I felt like we were both in places of our life, him coming out of whatever he was going through and coming out the other end, and him being in a place to be able to be in a relationship, and me feeling the same way. And I think that's what really attracted me to him, him being in a good place mentally, physically, emotionally to be able to have a relationship, and also being honest with me. I think what attracted me to him was his honesty. Like, he would never tell me something that he wouldn't be able to do. So when I told him I wanted it to be serious, I trusted him enough for him to tell me, "That's gonna work for me," or, "It's not gonna work for me." And I think that's something I've never had before. Because a lot of the guys that I dated or had been with, they'd tell me exactly what I wanted to hear, but I knew in my heart that that actually
- 33:31 – 35:56
Communication Is Key to Connection
- SPSpeaker
wasn't the reality, and their actions didn't line up with what they said. So that was really important to me, and then also that our values aligned. We talked about kids and money and family and our view of life and religion and all of these big topics, I feel like, on our first phone call. So there was never a part in our journey where anything was unclear. We knew exactly where we stood. We knew kind of what would be deal breakers for each of us. And weirdly enough, everything aligned without it being hard or difficult or it being conflicting. We wanted to have a lot of kids together. We wanted to both be working. We wanted to build something for our children. We wanted to do all of these things, and it just aligned so perfectly.
- JSJay Shetty
It's remarkable. Like, it's, it's beautiful it is.
- SPSpeaker
It's truly a blessing. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
No, it is. It, it's such a blessing. And the truth is, even though you were able to pull it off at such a young age, for people who've found valuable relationships-
- SPSpeaker
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... whether they're 18, 28, or 38, or 40-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... they've found it because of the same reason.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
The values and the vision piece is at the center of any successful relationship, no matter what age you meet at.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
So the fact that you figured it out young-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... just means you saved time, but the truth is, those are the same things that everyone else has to be thinking about-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... w- about the values and vision. We just had, uh, Benny and Selena on the podcast who were-
- SPSpeaker
I saw that
- JSJay Shetty
... talk, talking about their relationship. And I think it was the first time people could see that their values and the way they treat each other, and it's not who you love, it's how they love you and how you love them back.
- SPSpeaker
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And I think people got to see that for the first time, whereas we're so bad at knowing whether people are good together-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... because we base it on such insignificant information and data that you don't have. Whereas when a relationship's based on vision and values-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... it naturally has a healthier or a more likelihood of working out.
- SPSpeaker
And I think it's also about compromise. Like, even if your values align or your vision of life align, I think marriage, you probably know, is always a give and take and a compromise and a listening to and maybe shifting, not your core beliefs, but shifting the way you wanna go about things. I think marriage is a collaboration between two people. That's how I view it, and I think that a lot of people nowadays, it's like, "Oh, he gave me the ick, and I'm just done," or, "He didn't do X, Y, and Z, so I'm
- 35:56 – 38:29
Becoming a Parent on Your Own Timeline
- SPSpeaker
gonna ghost him." And I think at least in marriage, for me, that's not a thing. Like, we chose to get married. We chose to be with each other for better or for worse, and obviously, there's things that once you live together [laughs] and once you have your first fight and once you figure out things you've never encountered before, there is gonna be conflict, and there is gonna be a difference of opinion. But I think it's all about how you go about that and how you resolve that issue with your partner that makes you have a really strong bond. And I think Lucky and I, we've been married for five years now, and in the beginning, obviously, everything was blissful.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
We didn't really think about things, but then we had our first child nine months after being married, and-All of a sudden everything changed because you have another human being. You go through pregnancy, you go through all these different things, and I think it was really us learning how to communicate better, how to be there for each other, how to be less stubborn, how to be more loving and compassionate. And I think compassion is such an important and vital part of at least our marriage, and I think that's something that we had to kind of learn to have. Not that- we've always been compassionate people and loving people, but when you get hurt or you have emotions or feel anger or rage or whatever, it's hard to be compassionate towards the other person. But we've both learned that even though we can still have our own emotions, I can still be angry at Lucky and be compassionate towards how he's feeling for that situation and want to find a resolution. That doesn't mean I can't be angry or feel my feelings. So I think it's all about figuring out how you work together as a team to really be able to have a really strong relationship despite everything else that goes on: work, kids, whatever it may be.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs] Yeah, and that's what love is, right? Like, I think love is that ability to say, "There's space for both of our emotions."
- SPSpeaker
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
"There's space for my anger and your sadness."
- SPSpeaker
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
"And there's space for compassion at the same time as me needing distance."
- SPSpeaker
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
Or whatever it may be, and that's what love is. Like, it's far more nuanced and complex than-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... "Oh, I love you, it doesn't matter," which is kind of like, well, that doesn't make sense.
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
Because, yeah, because-
- SPSpeaker
'Cause you're gonna feel resentful somewhere down the line, and we don't want that to happen. And I think with relationships, it's all a give and take. You're always learning, and I think that's something that I found so beautiful about marriage is, which is also why it attracted me to being married, is you're in it, for better or for worse, and you really get to make that commitment to your partner to really just see them through life, and for them to see you through life, and to really lean on each other. And I think that's something
- 38:29 – 42:18
Your Life, Your Choices
- SPSpeaker
I wish more people got to experience because nowadays everything moves so f- quick. Social media is such a massive thing to where you get that instant gratification of DM'ing someone or being on a dating profile to where you just swipe and you're done with that person. So I think being really locked in is something that's really beautiful to me.
- JSJay Shetty
I think a lot of people struggle with, like, when they feel that people don't love the way they love.
- SPSpeaker
Mm. [laughs] Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? And it's like, at least what I've found is that most people won't love the way you love.
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
And that maybe isn't the right thing to expect.
- SPSpeaker
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, the difference of who they are and how they operate, it's more about are we moving in the same direction-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... but not at the same pace.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And we might be coming through different routes. Like, I often think about it like you're both driving to the same place, but you might be coming from different sides.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so I'm on the phone to Radhi saying-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... "Hey, Radhi, I'm gonna be there in 20 minutes."
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And she's like, "It's gonna take me, like, 40 minutes." I'm like, "All right. I'll wait for you outside in the car when I get there." Right? And so, like, we're going to the same place-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... but we're coming from two different journeys, and what's really needed is the communication.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
"Hey, I'll wait 20 minutes."
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
"I'm gonna be 20 minutes late."
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And, and it's that that you're trying to monitor, whereas when we say, "Oh no, I wanna go with you at the same time, we're gonna leave from the same place, everything's gonna go exactly to plan," it's just very unlikely.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? Does that resonate, or...?
- SPSpeaker
I think I'm a very type A person, so in the beginning of our relationship, that was something I struggled with. I was like, "Well, why aren't you meeting me where I'm at? Why aren't you doing X, Y, and Z? Why aren't you being affectionate now? Why aren't you picking up the phone when I need you now?" Like, there were so many things that I needed him to be exactly like me on, or vice versa. He w- he didn't understand how I did things, and it led to conflict, and sometimes that is really hard to figure out because everyone has different love languages, everyone has a different past, everyone has a different personality. Like, I cannot expect my partner to do exactly what I need them to do when I need them to do it. So I think we went to couples therapy for a while because we didn't really know how to communicate properly. I always thought I was a great communicator.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- 42:18 – 44:05
Own and Celebrate Your Path
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... and let you work through your stuff-And let you grow in your own time at your own pace. That compassion is what inspires you and makes you enthusiastic
- SPSpeaker
I think that's the best part about marriage, at least mine, is having a best friend that will push me to be better. Like, he's never gonna sit there and be like, "You're doing great, honey," if we both know I'm not.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SPSpeaker
He's gonna encourage me and really help me to get to a good point, but it never comes from, like, judgment or anger. It always feels like a nudge of being like, "Hey, honey, how can I help you to reach your full potential? How can I help you do X, Y, and Z?" And I think being married actually was like looking into a mirror, 'cause all of a sudden you have this person that you're like, "Oh, you're not a great communicator. You're not doing X, Y, and Z. You're not doing all of these things," and it's easy for you to blame someone else because you think that you're better than them in certain ways. Like, I thought I was a better communicator than Lucky. I thought I was better at doing certain things. But then when you actually truly sit down with that person and they're like, "Well, actually, you're not that great at communicating because you didn't communicate then and there and do this," and I'm like, "Oh." It's actually like looking into a mirror and actually being able to self-reflect on all the work that maybe you should be doing to have a really successful relationship.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, it's, it's so well said, and I'm just, I'm just blown away. I'm like-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... I can't believe. Like, 'cause how old are you now, Nara? You're like-
- SPSpeaker
I'm 23.
- JSJay Shetty
Oh my gosh.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
You're like, I feel like I'm talking to, like, an old soul.
- SPSpeaker
That's what people say a lot.
- JSJay Shetty
But in the best way.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
In, in the most beautiful way. Like-
- SPSpeaker
No, I love that
- JSJay Shetty
... and, and I can so sense that it's so genuine and real for you. Like, as I'm hearing you talk, I, I feel it. Like, it's real, you know?
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And I think it's important for people to know that because I, I can tell that it's, it's coded into your soul of who you are, of
- 44:05 – 47:32
Don’t Let People’s Projections Define You
- JSJay Shetty
how you've been figuring life out.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's, it's beautiful when someone can figure it out earlier-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... and, and be so conscious and honest about the realities of what's going on. You were just saying there that obviously nine months after you got married you had a, had your first baby.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
I can't imagine how quick this has moved. And you're, like, having a child, too. Like, did you always wanna be a young mom? Like, was that always the g-
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
No? Okay, so that wasn't-
- SPSpeaker
I never ... I love children now, but [laughs] when I was younger, I never particularly cared to be around children, just because it never felt like something that I was interested in. And then when I met Lucky, again, that's when everything clicked. And then I remembered my dad telling me growing up, he would always tell me, "I wish I would've had you guys earlier. I wish ... One thing I, not regret, but one thing I wish I could do differently is have you guys 20 years prior and not have you when I'm almost 50 and trying to chase toddlers around." That's not something that he really enjoyed. So to me, I kind of took that to heart when I met Lucky and I knew where we were heading, and I knew what our life would be like. I wanted to have kids young, because when I'm 40 they're out the house.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
So to me, just raising them while I'm also figuring out my life is kind of beautiful to me. I like having them come along my journey and learning with me and growing with me, and me being able to relate to them a little better when they're older because there won't be that big of an age gap between us to where it feels kind of harder to connect with them. And I don't know, there's never a right time to have kids, at least for me, and I always hear parents asking, "When should we have kids? When is the ideal time?" And to me, there isn't, because you're either too young and you wanna go to college, or then you're done with college and you wanna start working, and then when you're working a- d- you don't wanna take time off because you just started this job. But then, I don't know, 5, 10 years down the line you're a senior in this company and you're so busy and making so much money, and then that's an inconvenient time. So, like, when is the right time? To me, there wasn't, and I just loved having them so young. And is it hard? Sure. But is it so rewarding at the same time? It truly is for me.
- JSJay Shetty
Every time someone asks me, "When's the right time to get married?"
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Or, "When's the right time to have kids?" My response is always, "It's the wrong question."
- SPSpeaker
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
The right question is, "Do I know how my life will change?"
- SPSpeaker
Oh.
- JSJay Shetty
Because really what you should be asking is, am I aware-
- SPSpeaker
Right
- JSJay Shetty
... of what this is gonna require of me, right? Like, becoming married requires something different of you.
- SPSpeaker
It does.
- JSJay Shetty
Having a child requires something different of you.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's like, do, am I aware of that?
- SPSpeaker
That's a fair point.
- JSJay Shetty
And am I, and am I willing to walk into that? Now, I'm not saying you could ever know everything about how different-
- SPSpeaker
No
- JSJay Shetty
... your life is gonna be. You won't. But there's a sense of recognizing this is gonna change my life.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- 47:32 – 50:02
What You See Online Isn’t the Whole Truth
- JSJay Shetty
been so much based on, like, personal realization, especially for Radhi. Like, when we decided to get married, the deal was we were gonna live five minutes away from her mom's house.
- SPSpeaker
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
Then my career changed and I got this amazing offer to move to New York, and now we live in LA.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And so Radhi's had to, like, go on this crazy journey.
- SPSpeaker
It's a lot.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's a lot, and so we've had to, like, really learn to, like, understand what that means for us, put our roots down. The first few years of our marriage Radhi would go back to London a lot more-
- SPSpeaker
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... because she missed home. Like, there was just so much to navigate. And, like, we didn't feel that we wanted to invite kids into that uncertainty that we had.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That was a personal choice.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That's not the right or wrong answer, it's just what was right for us. And I think it's so interesting because, yeah, I think when you make it about the right time and you make it about an age, like, oh, you had kids early or late-
- SPSpeaker
It puts parameters on things that are so restricting. And I think that's another thing when people hear that I have three kids at 23-And I had my first at [laughs] a few weeks after I turned 19. They always freak out, and they tell me, "Why aren't you in the clubs? Why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you doing that?" And I feel like they're projecting how they want their life to be onto me. That's one thing I really struggled with in the beginning, even doing social media, with all these opinions of people having opinions on me getting married young and having children young, and them not understanding that that is a choice I made for my life. That doesn't mean that that's the right choice for you. It doesn't mean that your choices are right for me. And I think everyone is on their individual journey, like you were saying. You guys weren't ready to really have your life change, because your life does change. And I think if you're ready to have that change, great. If you're not, it's just not the right time for you. And I think judging someone based on their timing of having kids or timing of getting married or whatever it may be is such an odd concept to me. And I never truly thought about that maybe Lucky and I are doing it really early or whatever until I had people's opinions on it. My dad was stoked. He was like, "This is great. You're gonna be a young mom." But then hearing other people's opinions, it never even crossed my mind before that, that this might be such an odd thing to do at 18.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
And now, I mean, I wouldn't take it back for the world. I think it was the best decision we could have made for us, because even though it is hard and it changed our life, we found so much joy in it, and we find so much joy in it, and we really get to grow and learn. You learn so much from having children. And whether that's patience or [laughs] understanding
- 50:02 – 52:05
Facing Online Negativity with Strength
- SPSpeaker
or whatever it is, I think I'm at the perfect time in my life to receive all of those lessons from my kids and pour back into them.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I think you're at a really interesting intersection.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And, and again, by the way, these are all societal-
- SPSpeaker
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... things. These are not, like, they're not real.
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
And I always like to remind people that anything that we think is real today is just something society repeated for long enough that it's become normal. Like, when we say the word normal, it just means it's happened in society for a long period of time, and that why, that's why things get normalized. And so when people say, "Oh, you're, you got married early, you had kids early, that's very traditional," that's a societal take on your life.
- SPSpeaker
I didn't even know it was.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SPSpeaker
Because the other day someone brought it up to me, and they were like, "You have a very traditional way of life." I'm like, "What do you mean?" Like, we split chores. I work. I- my husband works. We have children. We split everything. Like, I cook because I love to, not because I have to. Lucky cleans. Like, there was nothing traditional. And then they were like, "Well, you had kids at 19, and you got married at 18." And I was like, "And?" And they were like, "That's traditional." And I'm like, "Oh, I, I, [laughs] I guess that's traditional then." It never even crossed my mind, because I've always been such a believer in having people make their own choices and never judging someone else based on how they choose to live their life, and much rather celebrating them.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- SPSpeaker
How cool is it seeing someone else be 35 and crushing life and traveling the world by themselves, not having a care in the world? I love seeing that, whereas I also love seeing moms that are 18 and have a child and are doing life, and I, I love seeing that. So I think I've always just loved celebrating people at where they're at, that it was such a foreign concept to me that people would have a negative opinion on me choosing to start my life in that way early on.
- JSJay Shetty
Totally, and that's why you're at that interesting intersection-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... as I'm saying, because that's what I was about to say, like, you're a career person. You have a, you have a booming career.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs] I do.
- JSJay Shetty
You're a
- 52:05 – 53:25
Other’s Opinions Don’t Determine Your Worth
- JSJay Shetty
model. You're doing incredible stuff online, and you're a mom, and you love cooking for them. And it's really funny, because we, me and Radhi, in one sense, we got married early-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... and now we're having kids late. And so it's like, you know, you could, whenever you look at things in any order-
- SPSpeaker
Yes [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... it's like, well, wait a minute, no, to me, we're on time.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
To me, you're on time.
- SPSpeaker
No, I love that.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? Because it's like-
- SPSpeaker
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... you're on time because that's the time that made sense for you. And I wanted to ask you about that, like in the sense of, and I love, I love your answer to how, how you see the time and, and the early and late, but I think there's, right now, there's such a big conversation around gender roles-
- SPSpeaker
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and around expectations.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And by the way, me and Radhi get the same thing that you guys get. So people always say to me, "You're so lucky you got a traditional wife, and you're so lucky that you got a wife who loves to..." And I'm like, Radhi loves cooking.
- SPSpeaker
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, it's n- she doesn't cook because it's a woman's role by, based on tradition.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
She cooks 'cause she loves cooking, and I don't cook 'cause I'm terrible at it. And if I loved cooking, I would cook.
- SPSpeaker
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And by the way, Radhi works. She's, you know, she's-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... got an incredible cookbook. She's a New York Times bestselling author.
- SPSpeaker
She's amazing. Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
She's, like, creating all this amazing content. Like, Radhi's got an amazing business of her own. It's not even divided that way, but it's interesting how these perceptions have settled
- 53:25 – 56:10
Choosing What to Share and What to Keep Private
- JSJay Shetty
into society. You challenge them because of what you just said. How do you encourage people to, like, think about that, like, how to get out of that kind of expectation and role and kind of find your own values and time?
- SPSpeaker
I feel like that's something I sometimes struggle with with my online presence. It's people love projecting things onto me and kind of how I live my life just because I cook for my husband, because it's my love language and I love cooking. They project onto it that I'm in the kitchen and trapped, and I'm just at home, and he's the breadwinner and all of these things. And I'm like, "No, I work. I'm very busy. I travel almost every week. I have kids that I raise. I love being in the kitchen because it's a passion of mine, not because I have to." And sometimes I feel like this is where social media gets tricky for me personally is it doesn't matter how much I voice those things and try to make people understand that I am actually a full-time working mom, that they just don't wanna get it. They use me as this poster child of this, like, very traditional wife, and-I'm not. There's nothing truly traditional about us as a couple, apart from maybe that we chose to have kids young and get married young. But apart from that, we split chores 50/50. There's things that Lucky does that I guess traditional men wouldn't do, like do the dishes, or get the kids dressed, or do the hair, or whatever it may be that people don't associate with a traditional men, man. And there's things that I do, like having a full-time career and having Lucky be home watching the children while I travel for two weeks, which is, I guess, not traditional in their mind. It's odd, and I feel like people see that side of my life, and I voice that side of my life, but they still don't wanna accept it. So I've just kind of learned to, I'm gonna do me.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
And whoever resonates with that, great. If they don't, then there's nothing really I can, I can do to change their minds.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Yeah, and that's a really hard thing to grapple with.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? It's like, yeah, I remember when, when me and Radhe first used to create content together, a lot of people would, in the comments, like we'd literally be talking about an issue we had-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... or an argument we had, and talking about how we'd try to figure it out, and there were some interviews we did where I didn't even know Radhe was dealing with something, and she'd break down in the interview.
- SPSpeaker
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And I'd be like, "Oh my gosh," like, "I..." like, "What's going on?"
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And we'd talk about it, and we'd still get comments where people would be like, "Oh, they just always project themselves as perfect and happy." And I'm like, "Trust me, that is the last thing I've wanted to do." Like, the last thing I've ever wanted to do is present myself as perfect, my marriage as perfect, or anything as, because really what I'm trying to share is, "Hey, this is what I got wrong."
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, I wrote a book about love, and none of it is based on
- 56:10 – 1:00:29
How Food and Diet Can Transform Your Health
- JSJay Shetty
what I got right. It's all based on what I got wrong-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... and what I learned through meeting people. And but it's interesting how not everyone hears that, because the noise in our mind of what someone is or what they look like kind of overshadows that, if that makes sense.
- SPSpeaker
I don't think they want to hear it, and I think that's what I've learned with being on social media and being so controversial, I guess, is people don't want to hear it. They don't wanna change their opinion. They don't want to see you differently. It's like once they've made up their mind about you or have read something, it's e- also easy on social media. You read a comment or a headline and you believe it. Like, there are so many things in the news or whatever it may be that you read the headline and you believe it, and then you actually, like, Google and do your research, and it couldn't be further from the truth. Also, nowadays, society, they love drama. They love negativity. They feed off of fights and opinions and online situations that cause conflict, and I think that's what people love projecting onto me. They love that I'm so controversial, and they can kinda say whatever. And in the beginning, it really used to bother me. I'd used to cry at home and tell Lucky, like, "I don't understand why they're saying all these things. None of this is true." And then I would make a post that's, like, very subtle, I guess, and I would say in the voiceover, like, "I'm not X, Y, and Z. I'm actually a working mom. I actually don't believe in, in these things." And then all the comments would be like, "She's lying. She's gaslighting us. She's..." And I'm like, I, I, I literally cannot win, and I think that's what I've learned. Like, people don't want to hear the truth. They don't care for the truth. They care about what they wanna hear and what serves them. So the less I say, kind of the better-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- SPSpeaker
... because it, it preserves my energy. There's no point in me saying something that someone doesn't even wanna hear.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, and it's not the majority, it's the minority. It's like-
- SPSpeaker
But that's what your brain picks up.
- JSJay Shetty
100%.
- SPSpeaker
It could be, you could get 50 comments of people that love you, and then that one comment that's just so mean and nasty, and that's what you think about for the rest of the day. And I think that's also why I don't [laughs] you, you saw me walk in with two phones. I have a social media phone and a personal phone. My social media phone, I post, I literally post my thing, maybe read a few comments, 'cause I do love interacting with my community so much. But then that phone is gone. I don't read my comments. I don't really scroll on social media. I don't really consume media. And then my personal phone is for everyone that actually knows me and can have an opinion about my life.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
And that's the phone I care about. If anyone on that phone texts me and has an issue with me or thinks something, that's when I'll actually sit down and think about it. The other phone, I couldn't care less. You don't know me well enough for me to care about your opinion at this point.
- JSJay Shetty
That's a really smart way of separating the two.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Because when your mind can't separate the two, you have to physically-
- SPSpeaker
You have to physically do it [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... yeah, you actually have to have two separate things.
- SPSpeaker
'Cause it got, it got so bad after I had, like, towards the end of my pregnancy with my third, I just had Whimsy, but that's kind of when everything picked up and people had all of these opinions. And I just remember how badly I was struggling reading all of these comments. I would be crying every single day. I would tell Lucky, like, I didn't know what to do. I didn't wanna leave the house. I didn't wanna interact with anyone, because all the comments and the hate got to me so bad, especially being in the last little stretch of my pregnancy and then with all the postpartum hormones. And I just realized that if I keep reading these comments, I won't be happy ever again. And it also felt weird, now in hindsight looking back, why am I giving them the power to make me feel some sort of way about myself even though that's nowhere near to what my reality is?
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
And I think sometimes the lines of social media and reality can get blurred to where I am not that, so why would I even entertain that enough for me to go home and cry?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I'm so sorry to hear that.
- SPSpeaker
That's okay.
- JSJay Shetty
I can't imagine, like-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs] That's okay
- JSJay Shetty
... being pregnant, the hormones-
- SPSpeaker
It was a lot
- JSJay Shetty
... like, taking care of kids, figuring out, you know, it's like, it's a lot though. It's a lot.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
It's, it's a lot to carry, and it's, um, it's so bizarre to me that someone who's doing what you do can be controversial [laughs] today. Like, it's so bizarre. Like, it goes totally over my head, because I'm like, "Wait a minute," like, "How is this-
- SPSpeaker
It could be anything
- 1:00:29 – 1:01:24
Finding Joy and Creativity in Cooking
- JSJay Shetty
can be anything... I don't even know how you misconstrue it. Like, I, I can't even wrap my head around that.
- SPSpeaker
I don't know.
- JSJay Shetty
Like-
- SPSpeaker
But I think that's also where I struggled, 'cause I was like, "I'm just doing this for fun. I just love cooking. I love being in the kitchen. My kids need to eat. My husband wants something specific that I can just film me making." And it just came from suchA loving and fun place that then I think it hit me harder when people had all these negative opinions on it because I just felt like I was sticking to myself. I wasn't, like, on the internet slagging anyone off or doing anything controversial, at least in my opinion. And then seeing those comments, I was just very taken aback and confused by it. But now I've kind of moved past that and really figured out how to manage my reality and my work in a better way.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, definitely. I, I, I love the way you've split that up and-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... I think that's such great advice for anyone who's online or creating
- 1:01:24 – 1:04:05
How Her Online Persona Was Born
- JSJay Shetty
and even in life.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
I think, you know, even if you're not a creator and you're listening to what Nara's saying right now, there's such a reality in being able to separate and say, "These people really know me."
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
"They've lived life with me. And by the way, they're honest with me."
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
"It's not like I'm just surrounded by people who agree with me."
- SPSpeaker
Mm-mm.
- JSJay Shetty
But at the same time, there's a group of people here, maybe it's people, your colleagues, maybe it's people that you sometimes work with, maybe it's people at school, college, whatever it may be, who don't really know you, and they also don't know what you're going through. I think something you've done so beautifully is you've spoken so openly about your eczema journey.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
You've even shared imagery and, like, when I saw you do that, I thought, "Wow, this requires so much vulnerability, requires so much courage. It requires so much strength."
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
To, to see someone like yourself who is known for fashion and modeling and, and all of that to actually come out and share that. Walk us through why it was so important for you to share that and also what was the, yeah, what made you do that?
- SPSpeaker
I think by nature I'm a very private person, so I think w- even with the content I put out, it feels very safe to me because even though I'm showing parts of my life, I'm not giving everything away. And I think sometimes I feel like there's so many young girls out there or girls or boys or whoever actually that watch my content and think I'm perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near perfect. No one is. No one is perfect, regardless of how high of a pedestal we put people on. And I think one of the things that I struggle with on a day-to-day basis is my eczema and my lupus, and I really struggle sometimes getting out of bed or looking presentable or feeling confident when my face is flaring up or I'm losing my hair in chunks or whatever it may be. So I kind of got to a point that I just felt like I had to share that with people to help anyone go through it. Because I think a lot of people put me on this pedestal of me being perfect, and I just wanted people to realize that everyone goes through things. Everyone has things that they deal with maybe behind closed doors, and if there's even just one person that could feel a little bit more confident to deal with their flare-up or to feel seen or to feel understood or to feel less lonely, that's what I want to use my platform for. And the amount of people, especially younger girls, that would DM me their pictures of their eczema or DM me how they felt or the fact that they couldn't believe that I would post these images online because they can't even leave the house feeling the way they feel, it just made me feel like I actually did something to help someone, and that's always been something that's been really, really, really important to me.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. It's, it's so beautiful to see you use your platform for
- 1:04:05 – 1:06:48
The Reality Behind the Content
- JSJay Shetty
that. I can't imagine how much that means to those young girls. I, I growing up had really bad eczema and-
- SPSpeaker
Oh, so you get it
- JSJay Shetty
... re- remember what it was like, and it took a long time for my parents, we tried out everything-
- SPSpeaker
Everything
- JSJay Shetty
... possible under the sun, and, you know, it would come back and go away and, and, you know, so I can't imagine how much strength they feel knowing that someone like yourself that they look up to and admire and, you know, that they follow is being able to share that journey with them. And that's also what started, as you were saying earlier, what started the from-scratch-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... food, right? Like, that's connected. Can you walk us through that?
- SPSpeaker
A lot of people think it's a gimmick, and I, I get it. Like, I'm not gonna be in the kitchen every day making bubblegum. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
But those are, like, the fun things to me. But initially where my cooking kind of came from is after my son was born, my eczema started flaring up tenfold again, and it was really, really bad, and it just kept getting progressively worse. And then when he was around two, I just remember I had this insane flare-up all over my body. I could barely get out of bed. I was... It was horrible, and I just remember feeling so helpless and so sad, and I didn't know what to do, so I did so much research on food and how it impacts your body and all these things. I would spend countless hours browsing social media, reading books, doing all these things to figure out how to heal myself. And I think a huge part of my eczema was that I was eating all the processed food. Not all of it, but I feel like by default when you go to a grocery store, you buy bread because you think it's bread, but then you never check the ingredients for it to be 30 different ingredients. Or you, I don't know, you buy the most random things thinking that there shouldn't be a lot of stuff in there. And the more I kind of checked the ingredients on things, I realized that I was actually not eating good food, and also raising kids, it was really important for me for them to have a really good diet because growing up in Germany, food is so different over there.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- SPSpeaker
I always grew up with my dad going to the store every day, cooking fresh food. We never had processed food. It was never the way it is in America. So then I kind of shifted my whole eating, and I went on an anti-inflammatory diet and really made sure that I was eating right, and then that kind of morphed into me making more things because a lot of the anti-inflammatory stuff you couldn't just find on shelves. So I was like, "I'll just make my own waffles with cassava flour and coconut milk and all these different things." And then that kind of just evolved and evolved, and then I was like, "I can make bread. I can make sourdough. I can make, I don't know, cheese." Whatever it may be, it kind of just turned into a passion of mine to do that, and I just realized it can be more cost-effective. Not everything, but a lot of things are more cost-effective if you make them yourself. It's you know exactly what goes
- 1:06:48 – 1:09:44
Simple Daily Habits That Strengthen a Relationship
- SPSpeaker
into your food, and you can kind of customize it the way that you want it. So if you want your bread to be saltier, put-... more salt in, or whatever it may be, you can kind of do. And I think my love for cooking played into that, and then I just spent so much time in the kitchen developing recipes and cooking and really just having fun with that. And then that's where the content kind of came in, and people, it kind of divided the internet a little to where people either loved it or hated it, and that's kind of what kickstarted my whole content. But also, I think growing up with my German grandma, she made so many things from scratch, and I think the older generations do that.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- SPSpeaker
I never... People are always so shocked that I'm doing it, and they've never seen it before. And then there's people that really slate me on the internet for being inauthentic and that this has been done before. And I've, obviously, it's been done before [laughs] . Like, where do you think-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- SPSpeaker
... where do you think all of our food used to come from?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. [laughs]
- SPSpeaker
Like, I'm so-
- JSJay Shetty
That's so random.
- SPSpeaker
No, it's so random.
- JSJay Shetty
That's so random.
- SPSpeaker
So I just, I love celebrating that as well. And every time I bake bread or do something that reminds me of my grandma, that's something that I really do cherish. So that's kind of where it all started, my health playing into that, and then me just kind of recording what I would naturally do. And then sometimes I'd have fun with it and put a fun voiceover with it or, like, dramaticize things just a little bit or make a recipe that's a little quirkier, like making bubble gum, which is so easy and fun to make. So I think my reality and then playing into it a little was what really formed my content.
- JSJay Shetty
And that is the food you're eating, and the kids are eating that day.
- SPSpeaker
Oh, 100%.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, exactly.
- SPSpeaker
Yes. Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I was like, it's, yeah, it's not just for the content.
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
That's what they're eating that day.
- SPSpeaker
No, we don't, we don't usually buy bread. We don't usually do all these things. Obviously, I love eating out sometimes. I'm also just a mom. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Of course. Of course.
- SPSpeaker
I love trying new restaurants. So it is kind of that duality of when we're at home, I try to make as many things as I can myself, and when we're traveling or out, I'll do whatever it takes to do that. Sometimes I love a good restaurant. Sometimes I'll much rather cook at home. So I think that's another big thing. Like, I love doing both, and I'm not confined to the kitchen. I, I cook and do things because I love to do it, not because I have to. If I'm tired, I will go and eat out. If I don't wanna do that, I will go into the kitchen and make myself a meal, and I think I just love it so much to where it never feels like a chore to me.
- JSJay Shetty
Do you remember the moment you nailed, like, you figured out-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... where you were like, "I'm gonna wear this. I'm gonna cook this," and the voice? Like, because when I, when I first watched you, and I was like, "This-
- SPSpeaker
The voice was different in the beginning
- JSJay Shetty
... the voice," I was like, "This is amazing." I was like-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... I, I j- I just love creativity. Like, I get a real, like, kick out of it, like seeing someone... The point is, you're playing into the joke. Like, it's part of the, you know, you're very consciously doing it.
- SPSpeaker
So the voice actually originated from, I love ASMR.
- 1:09:44 – 1:13:04
Tackling the Hard Stuff with Joy
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- SPSpeaker
It, I listen to it every night before I go to bed.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm. Mm.
- SPSpeaker
I even like the ASMR where people, like, eat food, and it's, like, slurpy sounds.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
[laughs] That's whatever. Um, so I love ASMR. I also, the voice originated from me actually having to be quiet-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm
- SPSpeaker
... because my kid fell asleep, like, right next to me, and I had to be so quiet talking to where that kind of developed. And then people were like, "We love the ASMR." I, like, put it on... Like, people literally put on my videos for their children to go to bed to, and that is something that was really fun to me. So the voice kind of came and played a role in it, and it, it was never conscious. I was like, "I literally just have to be quiet 'cause my kid's sleeping next to me. I, I spend an hour putting them down. I'm not gonna have them wake up. I do need to get this content up." So that's where the voice came from.
- JSJay Shetty
Wow, that's such a cool story.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
That's great.
- SPSpeaker
And then the outfits, I just love dressing up. I remember when I started dating Lucky, I told him, "I will never wear a dress ever." And he was like, "Just try it." And I was like, "No." But then I was pregnant with my third, and all that was fitting in the Texas heat was a dress. So then that kind of evolved in my content as well to where I kind of got known for my fashion and the dresses that I wore. And then that kind of evolved more and more where Chanel actually send me a look that they would debut on the runway months later, and they'd never done that with anyone ever before, and that felt like such a privilege. And then fashion obviously has been a part of my life for so long. So that just-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
... became, like, a fun outlet for me. I'm like, "If I'm not gonna leave the house in these outfits, I will wear them in my kitchen."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
So that's where that came from. And then what else was there? That's kind of, those are the pillars of kinda what I do.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Yeah, we talked about the cooking-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... the fashion, and the voice.
- SPSpeaker
I think it just, like, evolved with time. It was never, like, a conscious thing that I sat down, and I was like, "I'm gonna speak like this to do this. I'm gonna wear this to do that. I'm gonna do this because I want a reaction." It was never premeditated or thought out or whatever it is. It just kind of evolved. And then sometimes I'm like, "Yeah, it would be fun wearing a yellow outfit to make Capri Sun because I want to." It's just, I'm just having fun expressing myself, and if people wanna tune in, it's great. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I, I, I love people knowing that 99% of creators, when they start something, it was never that thought through.
- SPSpeaker
No.
- JSJay Shetty
And that's what made it so beautiful. Like, I remember, if you look at my first videos I ever created, I'm in these really beautiful, scenic locations in London.
- SPSpeaker
Oh, I love that.
- JSJay Shetty
But the truth is, me and my friend were just walking around trying to find out where security wasn't, right?
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
So we had no permits. We had no booking. We had no money to, like, say, "Oh, we're gonna-"
- SPSpeaker
Oh, right.
- JSJay Shetty
So we would just walk around London early in the morning and try and figure out where security wasn't, and we'd find these spots-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- 1:13:04 – 1:17:58
Dressing for Confidence and Productivity
- JSJay Shetty
of date. But if you looked at them, like-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... 10 years ago when I f- nine years ago, when I first started creating content, these videos went super viral, but it was like-I didn't plan any of that
- SPSpeaker
No
- JSJay Shetty
That was just what happened, and obviously what I said was planned or thought through. But all these little things that people would notice, it was like we just got lucky.
- SPSpeaker
No, I know.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, there was a lot of it that was just, you know-
- SPSpeaker
That's how I feel sometimes. People are like, "I can't believe your outfit matches this." And I'm like, "I didn't even realize either."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- SPSpeaker
Or people are like, "I can't believe you've never spilled anything on yourself." I'm like, "Oh." Or they're like, "Wearing white to cook pasta sauce is brave," and that doesn't even cross my mind. Or all these, like, random little things that people pick up on, you don't really do consciously. People always tell me, "She has a full production team, and a nanny, and staff at home, and a cleaning crew." And I'm like, it's literally me, my iPhone, a tripod. Sometimes Lucky's like, "Do you want help filming?" And I'm like, "No," 'cause it needs to be, like, a certain-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
I'm, like, very type A. So I'm like, "No, no, no, it's me and my tripod. It's okay." And then he does cleanup, bless his heart, because at the end of my videos there's, like, a pile of dishes. But people always assume these things, and they're like, "She has a nanny." No, we don't. Lucky and I tag-team, and when I'm filming he's with the children. When he has to travel for work, I'm with the kids. And now it's at a point where we should be looking at getting [laughs] help because it's getting quite a lot, and we don't have family that live by. But all these assumptions based on a piece of content that 99% is just coincidence has always been really baffling to me.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. I think it's just so hard for people to imagine.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, how can someone be a mom, cook every day from scratch, look great, like, you know, like, have all your aesthetic down. Like, it's so hard because so many people are just, like, trying to, like, get by.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
But you've made it something that's fun for you and enthuses you and energizes you.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, it's, it's not something... And you've taken something that you are doing every day anyway-
- SPSpeaker
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... for the kids because you wanna cook for them, and made it something fun. And I think about it, like, my mom, I've been talking about this a lot lately because I've been reflecting on just, like, how amazing my mom is.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's like my mom cooked me and my sister a fresh breakfast, a fresh lunch, and a fresh dinner-
- SPSpeaker
Wow
- JSJay Shetty
... every day. She was the breadwinner of the family. She dropped us to school, picked us up until I was old enough to do it myself.
- SPSpeaker
Bless her.
- JSJay Shetty
She helped me with my homework. She helped my sister with her homework. My mom just didn't film it. If social media was a thing then-
- SPSpeaker
[laughs] Could you imagine?
- JSJay Shetty
And my mom could've filmed it 'cause she was doing all of that.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- 1:17:58 – 1:20:23
Living Life on Your Own Terms
- SPSpeaker
To me, I only see the hate comments
- JSJay Shetty
... yeah.
- SPSpeaker
I'm always like, "Ugh, okay, time to get off." After, like, five minutes I'm like, "Oh, no. Okay, I have to be done now."
- JSJay Shetty
And I think we're all like that-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... 'cause we're all wired that way. And I'm here to remind you and just say when I look at it, I see so many people being inspired, like, "I just tried that recipe," "Oh, I love that look." Like, "Oh, I'm gonna try this for my kids," or like, oh, that was... And what you just said, like, "My kids fell asleep to this," or... And I think the beauty is that I don't think there's... First of all, I, I think you're hilarious and really talented. I don't think you're saying that, at least from my perspective-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... not saying that anyone should do what you're doing-
- SPSpeaker
No
- JSJay Shetty
... at all. Like, I don't-
- SPSpeaker
No
- JSJay Shetty
... you're not coming across as a teacher or a preacher or a guru. Like, it's, that's not what it comes across as. It's just, that's you living your life and having fun.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's almost making something... Like, you love cooking, and that's awesome.
- SPSpeaker
I do.
- JSJay Shetty
It's also just making something that's quite laborious into making it fun.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? I saw this video the other day where it's, like, two guys who clean all the places that no one wants to, and they video it, and they put it on TikTok.
- SPSpeaker
See, that's the stuff I love watching.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's so cool. Like, these guys will literally go around and clean subway stations-
- SPSpeaker
[gasps]
- JSJay Shetty
... clean this, clean that, clean stuff, make stuff look nice 'cause they want to, and I think it's, they have a cleaning business, too. But it's like, it's so cool, and I'm like, that's awesome. Like, you're taking something that's pretty hard to do, something that's a chore, and you're making it fun.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And I think that at the very least that's something we can all look to as well, is we all have things we have to do every day that we don't wanna do.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And if you can try and make them more fun, more enjoyable, whatever it is for you that works.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Uh, but I want you to know, yeah, I see all these good comments.
- SPSpeaker
That makes me so happy.
- JSJay Shetty
It always makes my day when I find you on my For You page.
- 1:20:23 – 1:32:10
Nara on Final Five
- SPSpeaker
myself in some videos, the more like polished versn- version of myself in some videos, the more, I don't know, creative version. It's like me, but depending on the outfit I put on and what I cook, I become an enhanced version of myself, and that's so fun to me, which is also why I love fashion and cooking. Because you can dress up and feel a completely different way. Like, you feel, at least I feel different ways depending on what I have on, and that's kind of the energy that I tap into, and that's kind of the part of my reality person that gets enhanced for that video.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, and I love that. I l- I love that that's how you think about it-
- SPSpeaker
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... because... And, and by the way, that, that becomes really real in normal life, too. I remember when, I was saying earlier, like when I would go and see Radhi in the library or work, I remember I used to get dressed as if I was doing something important.
- SPSpeaker
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And that helped me, and that was at a time when I made no content, I didn't have any videos. I was doing it for myself.
- SPSpeaker
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
No one even cared who I was. But dressing as if I was important helped me-
- SPSpeaker
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... feel like I could apply for jobs, that I could show up as my best, that if I bumped into someone that... Because I was in a really tough place. I was rejected from 40 companies after leaving the monastery. No one would give me a job. I was living in my parents' loft. I was getting rejected left, right, and center. I didn't even know if I'd ever get, get a job again.
- SPSpeaker
Was that hard for you?
- JSJay Shetty
It was super hard, because I'd become a monk because I loved it. I'd left because I didn't think it was right for me anymore, and now the jobs that I would have landed with ease-
- SPSpeaker
Right
- JSJay Shetty
... three years before because I had a first class degree, I couldn't get them. And that was really hard for me, because I, I just, you know, I never imagined that I would not be able to get a job and pay my bills, and living with my parents again, I felt bad 'cause I was, you know, living off of them, and they don't have lots to offer me. So it w- it wasn't easy, but I remember dressing up for me felt like I can do something important today.
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And for some people, they don't wanna do that. You'd rather be in your sweats, whatever, that's awesome. But all of these little things really work with our mind-
- SPSpeaker
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... like psychologically, and I think we underplay how much sight and scent and sound can change how you feel.
- SPSpeaker
Yeah, I don't own sweatpants, actually. Like, Lucky does. Sometimes I'll like-
- JSJay Shetty
You own zero sweat-
- SPSpeaker
I own zero sweatpants. I used to own them, but then I got rid of them all.
- JSJay Shetty
You're my inspiration.
- SPSpeaker
So to me, I don't wear sweatpants apart from maybe when I steal one of Lucky's, but that's like very rare. I just, I think a lot of how I perform during the day is how I dress. So if I want to get stuff done, I will dress a certain way.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
There's like never a day where I wake up and don't do my skincare. There's never a day I don't wake up and do my hair at least. If I actually wanna feel like my peak level of production, I do my makeup. Not because I feel like I need to to feel prettier, but more so it makes me feel productive. I put on what I want to wear to feel a certain way. If I'm like, "Oh, I'm going on a little lunch with my friend and I wanna feel like super girly and whatever," I will wear a cute dress. But if I'm like, "Okay, I actually need to just power through meetings all day long," I will wear a suit, because that makes me feel like I'm just gonna get stuff done. So to me, it's all about dressing and doing things to make myself feel a certain way.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Yeah.
- SPSpeaker
So I, I'll never fly in sweats. I, I don't do that. I [laughs] there's like things I do to make myself feel a certain way, and I know it doesn't work for everyone, but growing up also, my dad had a weird thing with sweatpants. He was like, "You're not..."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
There's this thing about, I think Karl Lagerfeld said something about sweatpants. I don't remember exactly what it is, but my dad basically said if you-
- JSJay Shetty
Let me find it.
Episode duration: 1:32:11
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