Joe Rogan Experience #1629 - Lara Beitz

Lara Beitz is a standup comic known for her appearances on Comedy Central's "Lights Out with David Spade", Showtimes' "The Comedy Store" mini-series, and stages around the United States.

Lara BeitzguestJoe Roganhost

Jun 27, 20242h 36mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,001 words

0:00 – 2:00
Austin comedy weekend and a new club opening downtown
1. LBLara Beitz
  (drumbeats) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
2. NANarrator
  The Joe Rogan Experience.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. (rock music plays) Hello, Laura.
4. LBLara Beitz
  Hello.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Welcome.
6. LBLara Beitz
  Thank you.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  What's happening?
8. LBLara Beitz
  Thank you for having me.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  So you said you're in town working at, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club?
10. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Is this the first weekend?
12. LBLara Beitz
  Yes.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  That it's open?
14. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Whoa.
16. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  That's awesome. How'd you hear about it?
18. LBLara Beitz
  Um, they hit me up.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Did j- so, they just started?
20. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Where's it at? What street?
22. LBLara Beitz
  This is opening weekend. Um, I don't know.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, wow. You don't even know where you're going?
24. LBLara Beitz
  No.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Did you just get here today?
26. LBLara Beitz
  I got here yesterday.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, did you walk around?
28. LBLara Beitz
  Uh, I walked a little bit.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Did you get any brisket?
30. LBLara Beitz
  Not yet. That's tonight.
2:00 – 5:43
LA vs Austin: crime, policing, and safety in shutdown-era cities
1. JRJoe Rogan
  The, uh, district attorney, I think that's who it is, killed the gang taskforce too. That's a new thing, 'cause apparently there's not enough crime. He's like, "How do we make it worse?"
2. LBLara Beitz
  Oh, that's good.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  "Let's just, let's kill the gang taskforce."
4. NANarrator
  Is that the same taskforce that was like, uh, the, the, the dirty one? The (clears throat) the rampart one?
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, I don't think so.
6. NANarrator
  Okay. Just 'cause I was wondering.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  I think that's a different one. Maybe. I don't think so, though. Maybe it was dirty. Maybe I'm looking into it the wrong way.
8. NANarrator
  I was just, I was just wondering.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  You might be right. I might be looking at it the wrong way.
10. NANarrator
  (laughs)
11. LBLara Beitz
  I mean, if no one can leave their apartments anyway, what difference does it really make, you know?
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Uh, it dot- my friend Eddie almost got jumped at a gas station two nights ago.
13. LBLara Beitz
  Damn.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. He's pulled, uh, into a gas station and he got out of his car and some guys started walking backwards towards his car with hoodies on. And he was like, "What is going on here?" And then he's like, "I'm getting back in my fucking car." And then they just ran up to his car and he locked the car and took off.
15. LBLara Beitz
  Damn. I've been making people walk me to my car after shows because I accidentally caught a preview for the local news and it was like, a woman being put down on her face on the sidewalk while two dudes robbed her.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  (gasps) .
17. LBLara Beitz
  And I was like, "Well, I can't forget that I've seen that image now," so I guess I don't go places by myself anymore.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, that's the thing that happens when you shut down the economy is like, crime just... Not only did they shut down the economy, but they also, like, handicapped the police officers. Like, they, you know, cops are terrified to arrest anybody. I was talking to a friend who's, uh, got a friend that's a fireman who's friends with cops and they were all discussing this apparently that they, they just don't know what to do. Like, they have, they're scared to arrest people 'cause they're scared, uh, that they're gonna do something that's gonna be abusive and they're gonna get filmed and then, you know, or considered abusive, or if someone's resisting arrest and they're just in this weird position where a lot of people hate the police now.
19. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  So cops d- j- they don't wanna be bothered with shit. Like, Sunset is like a dragstrip now. Have you seen people flying down Sunset going 150 miles an hour? Racing?
21. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah. Um-
22. JRJoe Rogan
  You have?
23. LBLara Beitz
  ... I have seen that.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Fucking weird, right?
25. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah. I'm, um, laughing because I was with Dylan Sullivan last night and we walked to get food and there were, like, a bunch of junkies around. And they kept just, like, appearing (laughs) and, and I was getting really nervous. And then we saw a cop car across the street and we're like, "Let's go be by the cop." And we walked over to stand by the cop and, um, I was like, "This is not very, this is, that's not a very popular mindset right now."
26. JRJoe Rogan
  To go be near the cops?
27. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah, and I pictured someone spraypainting, like, "Fuck the police," and me, like, doing a caret mark (laughs) and saying, "Fuck, yeah, the police," 'cause we got so excited to see them. We were like, "Oh, thank God, the cops are here."
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Where were you at?
29. LBLara Beitz
  Um, 6th and a different street.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, there's that area around where the Vulcan Gas Company is that's a homeless shelter.
5:43 – 8:16
Lockdowns, rent pressure, and the politics of reopening
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. Well, COVID fucked everything up. The pandemic fucked everything up. It did not fuck up Austin, it just fucked up Austin less than it, I mean, it fucked LA up. LA is fucked. Like-
2. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  ... it's not just fucked, like, I tell people about it and they're like, "Come on, you're exaggerating." And then they go and then they call me and go, "Holy shit, dude. Like, it's unrecognizable."
4. LBLara Beitz
  Well, and it's fucked because...If you're gonna shut everything down, you have to give us, like, a lot of money, because rent is so obscene there that I think it's unimaginable for anyone who lives anywhere else in the country. I mean, it's so expensive. I've been on unemployment for a year, which I've never applied for unemployment before in my entire life. Like, you know how hard I work. I'm not a handout person. But if you're going to shut all the comedy clubs-
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
6. LBLara Beitz
  ... like, and I was applying for jobs that I didn't even want on Indeed just to try to make some money, 'cause my unemployment covers less than half of my rent. And I'm just like, "What do you expect me to do?" And if I'm in a position where I, every month, I'm like, "Am I gonna be... How am I gonna not be homeless?" I just can't imagine people who have it so much worse than I do.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, and that there are a lot of people like that. And there's also, like, it incentivizes people to do crime. It really does, 'cause they're like, "I- I need to fucking get by. I- I gotta figure this out." And so people that were maybe on the cusp of trying to be a good person and maybe fell back into a life of crime, it's just, it's not good. It's just... The problem is when you have mayors and governors and these people that don't... They don't have a vested interest in the economy booming. Like, it doesn't matter to them. Like, they- they get paid regardless, you know? So if their paycheck was dependent upon the economy of, like say if like the governor and the mayor got paid a percentage of the gross revenues for the state, like, you know, 0.001% or whatever the fuck it is. Like, this is how you make your living. Like, everybody has to do well. And if you develop policies and you enact laws and legislations and rules, especially during this pandemic, that cripple businesses. Like, there's a way to keep businesses open and still keep people safe. They've done it. They've done it in other places.
8. LBLara Beitz
  Right.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  But California for what- Like, if you look at... Florida's the crazy one, right? We always look at Florida like, "Those people are out of their mind. They're crazy. They- they're fucking alligators and hanging out in the streets." But Florida has, like, less COVID cases per capita. They have less deaths per capita, and they're wide open.
8:16 – 11:32
Vaccines, ‘fear porn,’ and changing rules as new data arrives
1. LBLara Beitz
  Well, and we're not at the... It's not last April anymore.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Exactly.
3. LBLara Beitz
  25% of Americans have received at least one shot of the vaccine. The most vulnerable populations got the vaccine first, which doesn't make sense to me, but I'm not a doctor or a virologist. Like, it makes sense on one level, and then it's very confusing to me on another level. I'm like, "I would think we would want to try it on healthy people first." But that's neither here nor there, so like-
4. JRJoe Rogan
  They tested it on people before they tried it on the old folks. The idea is the old folks are less likely to survive it if they get it.
5. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  You know?
7. LBLara Beitz
  But they... This was like the finish line, I thought. I thought, like, when the vaccine's out, we're gonna pop shit back open. So what-
8. JRJoe Rogan
  That's what they did here. And that's what they're doing in a lot of states. That's what they did in Arizona. The problem is California's, they've been feeding off that fear porn for, like, a full year, and they don't want to let it go. I mean, they almost want the- the virus to be completely eradicated. And the real fear is that what happens when the flu comes around? What happens when a- a less dangerous virus comes around? Are you gonna reenact the same rules? I mean, you gonna just keep the economy crippled? It's gonna be Mad Max.
9. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  That fucking place is gonna be all tents and guns and fucking dogs and it's gonna be chaos.
11. LBLara Beitz
  It's really gnarly. And it's interesting to me how little people allow for, like, incorporating new information and changing your mind about stuff, especially at this point.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
13. LBLara Beitz
  'Cause there are people who still are like, "Comics shouldn't be doing shows in LA."
14. JRJoe Rogan
  You know what? Those people all don't do shows. You ever notice that?
15. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Those people, "You shouldn't do shows," you motherfuckers never did shows.
17. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Those are all people that their career sucked and they weren't that good. And they're- they want people to stay home because part of them didn't like the fact that people were doing so many shows and doing so well. There's not a lot of, like, really good successful comics that are saying people shouldn't be doing shows. It's generally scrubs.
19. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah, for sure. It's people who did it as a hobby. And I don't think that you should get-
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Or just weren't successful.
21. LBLara Beitz
  ... to have that opinion if you're not a professional comedian.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
23. LBLara Beitz
  Like, what are you doing? Unless you also are talking that way to all of your friends who have been working in offices, and unless you have a better idea for someone than doing shows. Like, I don't know how you can expect people not to feel differently about this when we have more information.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes.
25. LBLara Beitz
  We know more about this disease. We know more about how it's transmitted. We know more about how deadly it is.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
27. LBLara Beitz
  And it's interesting because there's so much misinformation that is being given to us. Like, we know that you don't have to be six feet apart and wear masks and be outside. Like, if you're outside, you're probably not going to give it to other people.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  At all. Yeah. And so if you're inside-
29. LBLara Beitz
  And so the more that people know that they're being-
30. JRJoe Rogan
  ... you can wear masks. You can, that you can do it and be safe. They've been doing shows all across the country. They haven't had these mass outbreaks that come out of these shows. It- it hasn't happened.
11:32 – 13:40
Health optimization: vitamins, zinc/quercetin, and Lara’s pandemic weight loss
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, that's what they want you to think. Have you been taking vitamins? Are you up on your... Obviously, you look great. You lost a ton of weight.
2. LBLara Beitz
  Thank you.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  You look super healthy. I'm very proud of you.
4. LBLara Beitz
  Thank you so much. Thank you.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  That's amazing. That's really cool.
6. LBLara Beitz
  Um, yeah, I take a lot of vitamins, including-
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah?
8. LBLara Beitz
  ... vitamin D. Yeah.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Are you taking, uh, D with an ionophore, like quercetin or curcumin or any of those things?
10. LBLara Beitz
  I don't know.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Okay, let me get you some, uh, quercetin, 'cause quercetin is, it- it- it increases the efficacy of zinc. It gets it into your bloodstream better. So D3, zinc, and, um, and- and an ionophore, particularly quercetin. There's been studies done on quercetin and the way it impacts, uh, people's health with quercetin and zinc with COVID-19. I'll send you a link.
12. LBLara Beitz
  Cool. Thank you.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
14. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah, I mean, they told us that there was a virus killing obese people. I was obese at the beginning of the pandemic and so I lost weight.... to not be obese anymore, and now I'm in a healthy weight range and they made obese people eligible for the vaccine. (laughs)
15. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
16. LBLara Beitz
  And I wasn't eligible for the vaccine. I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Can you wear like a fat suit? Go get vaccinated?
18. LBLara Beitz
  I got vaccinated as a food worker.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh?
20. LBLara Beitz
  I gave them my comedy store tax form-
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
22. LBLara Beitz
  ... and the lady was like, "Do you handle food?" And I was like, "Yeah, I do."
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
24. LBLara Beitz
  "I handle food every day." So I didn't-
25. JRJoe Rogan
  I handle food too.
26. LBLara Beitz
  I didn't lie, but I didn't super tell the truth.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
28. LBLara Beitz
  But we're not, we're not at the point now where we're just vaccinating the people who are most vulnerable. Like, those people have had it for the most part.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
30. LBLara Beitz
  Now, we're back to ranking members of society from the most to least important. And there's no one I can, like, talk to about that and be like, "Well, listen. I'm getting on a plane. I'm gonna be flying. I'm gonna..." You know what I'm... Like, I can't plead my case, but I can give them my tax form and get the vaccine, so that's what I did.
13:40 – 16:33
Comedy as mental health: returning to stage after months away
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Comedy's essential. I think it's mental health. I think it's very good for people. It's, uh, I mean, making people laugh is, I, I, uh, to me... Like, I've gone to comedy shows and walked out and felt better, like I just took a drug.
2. LBLara Beitz
  Oh my God, yeah.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
4. LBLara Beitz
  It brought... I didn't, I didn't do standup for seven months and then did a show again, and it was like I came back to life. And then I-
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Where was the first place you worked?
6. LBLara Beitz
  I don't remember what it was called.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Where was it? In LA?
8. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Did you, uh, practice your stuff? Did you go over your material? Like, how did you approach the show?
10. LBLara Beitz
  Well, I had written a lot of new material. You know, I had been writing in quarantine, but so much of that made no sense because it was, like, written by an insane person 'cause I lost my mind in my home.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
12. LBLara Beitz
  So, I'm writing shit that's, like, specific to my apartment (laughs) and also writing stuff about, like, something that was on the news in March. So, by the time I went on stage and, like, went and looked through it, I was like, "This can never be seen by anybody."
13. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
14. LBLara Beitz
  So, I did some stuff that was, like, new, and then I did some old stuff. People say it's like learning to ride a bike. It's like learning to ride a bike and then not walking and then standing up and your legs have atrophied. Like, that first set was... People were laughing and I had fun, but I wouldn't try to sell it to HBO or anything.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
16. LBLara Beitz
  You know?
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. My first set I did, uh... What happened? I just lost all sound. I lost... Oh, just came back. How weird. Ghosts.
18. LBLara Beitz
  I could hear you the whole time.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, that's so strange. Um, my first set I did, uh, the Houston, uh, Improv with, uh, Moses and, and Hinchcliff. And, uh, we did it in July, but then I got paranoid that I was gonna give it to somebody. I was like, "What if I get it and give it to somebody?" You know, I wasn't as worried about getting it as I was giving it to somebody. But, um, so I said, "Let me just take some time off." And then I didn't do it again until, um, Chappelle, uh, asked me to do these shows out here. And I was like, "Fuck, all right. I'm living out here. He's coming out here. I'm gonna do some shows." And as soon as I doing, I started doing those, I'm like, "Fuck, I'm back."
20. LBLara Beitz
  That's exactly what happened to me. I did that one show, and then the next night I did another one. And on the way to that show that night, I had this feeling that I, like, hadn't felt in forever. And it was the joy of going to do it. And I remembered that I used to have that feeling every single night when I would go to The Comedy Store-
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
22. LBLara Beitz
  ... or, like, when I would go do a show. 'Cause I never, I never took it for granted. Like, I was always excited. I was always happy. I always looked around.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  No, you always were.
24. LBLara Beitz
  I always looked around at the mountains and was like, "Damn, I'm in LA." (laughs)
25. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
26. LBLara Beitz
  Like, I, I'm m- you know?
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. It's happening.
28. LBLara Beitz
  I loved it. Yeah.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  It's happening. You're doing it.
16:33 – 20:37
Hidden pandemic harms: suicide, alcoholism, AA access, and broken systems
1. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah. So I came back to life and... I don't know. It's interesting to me because it's like the same people who on, like, National Suicide Day will post about how important mental health is, and, "Come talk to me if you ever feel sad," this, that, and the other. And now a year in, it's like, why are people not talking about mental health? And why are those same people saying, like, "You're a piece of shit if you go see your friends"? You know what I mean? 'Cause like people are killing themselves.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  They're killing themselves in record numbers. Uh, Swardson has a friend who works as a, um, a sheriff and said that there's... they would get like one suicide a week back in the day, and now they're getting five a week. And they, they were just overwhelmed by the, the number. It might have been one a month, and now it's five a week. But it's just, they're overwhelmed. People are... They're not counting that in terms of, like, the amount of people that have drug overdoses and die because they're depressed. They're not counting that.
3. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  And they, they think about the deaths and the, the toll, and they're not counting, like, how many people's lives have gone from... You know, they created a business, they worked hard for years and years, and then it's just been taken away from them through no fault of their own. You know?
5. LBLara Beitz
  Through no fault of their own, and there's no, like, severance for that. My friend, um, Katie is a nurse in Chicago, and she and I have been in contact f- through this whole thing. And it was... I mean, her hospital was teeming with COVID patients. She said now it's teeming with alcoholics who are having DTs. People who lost their jobs in September and have been drinking themselves to death all day in their homes. She said that she's never seen DTs this bad. Like she said, it's, it's crazy how many people are dying of alcoholism there.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, but-
7. LBLara Beitz
  'Cause they did, they stopped having AA meetings. Well, they're on...
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Zoom?
9. LBLara Beitz
  They're on Zoom, but you have to have, like, the password. You have to, like, know a guy. You know what I-
10. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
11. LBLara Beitz
  And it, and it's also just not the same thing, and it's so inaccessible that it's costing people their lives.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, it's an... It's the undiscussed aspect.... of the pandemic. You know, it's, it's uncomfortable for people. When they think about the cost of the pandemic, they only think about how many people are going to get sick, how many people are going to be in the ICU. Th- that's something we have to absolutely consider, but you also have to consider what happens when you shut down the entire economy? Like, what are the other repercussions? And here's the big question, because this is the big experiment, how long is it gonna take before LA bounces back? Because LA's a big fucking city. And where's the money gonna come from? Like, where are you gonna have the money to open up all those businesses? They lost 75% of their restaurants. Like, how is the store and the improv, how are they gonna stay open for another year like this? Because those goofy, draconian motherfuckers that are keeping that place locked down, they're not gonna let it open. They're gonna maybe let them do some outside shows eventually, but like, right now, indoor shows are out of the question. So, how long is it gonna take? It's gonna take, unless people specifically talk about that in the recall for Gavin Newsom, specifically talk about comedy clubs. Until they do that, they're not g- people are specifically talking about restaurants, so they open up restaurants again. Like, he's panicking 'cause they're worried about h- him getting recalled, 'cause they've, they've gathered enough votes now.
13. LBLara Beitz
  Isn't the Comedy Store classified as a restaurant?
14. JRJoe Rogan
  No, it's not. No, it's not. W-
15. LBLara Beitz
  Why, what makes a r- I mean, they serve food there. What's a restaurant-
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, I think you need 51% of your money to come from food and drinks-
17. LBLara Beitz
  Damn.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  ... versus ticket prices. It's something like that, something wacky, along those lines.
19. LBLara Beitz
  But it, it was when they were doing like, when comics were doing sets in the window.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. Um, I don't know what classifies it as a restaurant, but the problem is the live performance and the idea of comedy is you're all laughing, so when you're l- like, they're telling people not to scream at Disneyland.
21. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Do you know that?
23. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. They tell people, "When you go on rides, don't scream." Like, okay. I'm gonna mime it. I'm gonna, "Ah."
25. LBLara Beitz
  That's, that's so-
26. NANarrator
  They also tell you to keep your arms and hands down and no one ever fucking does that.
20:37 – 22:38
Disneyland losses and fear amplification: how numbers distort decision-making
1. JRJoe Rogan
  No one ever does that, right. Yeah, I hope people scream, set a protest. They're probably gonna stop people from screaming though, and they're probably gonna tell people. Because, you know, look, they don't want an inspector to come there and say, "Hey, people are screaming, we're gonna shut this place down." You know, they've, Disneyland's been closed for a fucking year and they're losing some insane amount of money. It's like $300 million a day or something crazy.
2. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, it's nuts. I, I might have made that number, I pulled that right out of my ass. How much money is Disneyland losing per day while Disneyland's being closed? I think it might be 100 million. I, I really do. I think, I don't-
4. LBLara Beitz
  Isn't that what it costs for a churro at Disneyland? (laughs) Isn't a churro at Disneyland $100 million?
5. JRJoe Rogan
  No, no, it's less. It's less than that. It's less than that.
6. NANarrator
  Um-
7. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah, there's gotta-
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Let's guess before you, I say 100 million. What do you say?
9. LBLara Beitz
  Um, I'll say 50 million.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Okay. I like what you're doing, Price Is Right.
11. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Let's go.
13. LBLara Beitz
  I just have no idea. 100 million seems-
14. JRJoe Rogan
  I know. I read some-
15. LBLara Beitz
  If you guessed a million, I would've been like maybe, I would've probably guessed half of that. That just seems like so much money.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, it's way more. It's way more than a million. Disneyland is huge and it's really fucking expensive. And then you got Disneyland and California Adventure all in the same park.
17. LBLara Beitz
  I've barely, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've had more than $2,000 at once in my life, so I don't have a concept of what a million dollars is. (laughs)
18. JRJoe Rogan
  It's a lot of money. But it's not a lot of money if you run a Disneyland. I mean, that's probably their fucking rent. What do you got, Jamie?
19. NANarrator
  It's giving me just Disney's overall, Disney's a gigantic company, so like-
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
21. NANarrator
  ... it's not breaking it down just for Disneyland unfortunately.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Did you, did you write, "Disneyland is losing..."?
23. NANarrator
  Uh, yes, yes. So now I'm looking. I'm just-
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Per day?
25. NANarrator
  How much is Disneyland's daily revenue? And then you, that's-
26. JRJoe Rogan
  No, no, no. Just say, "How much is Disneyland losing per day?"
27. NANarrator
  I, no I did.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  It didn't give you everything?
29. NANarrator
  It's adding it all together with Disney the company and how much they lost in China and Orlando and the TV channels-
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Hmm.
22:38 – 38:56
Touch, boundaries, and being a woman comic: handshakes, fans, and harassment
1. LBLara Beitz
  Like, let people do whatever the fuck they want and like, put those little dots where people can stand a little bit further apart. I think we should've been doing that anyway. I've always thought handshaking was disgusting.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
3. LBLara Beitz
  I think we should all stop shaking hands for the rest of our lives. When I was looking back at my old material, I found two separate bits I tried to write about how shaking hands is nasty-
4. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
5. LBLara Beitz
  ... before COVID. I didn't even realize I felt that strongly about it, except that I did. I was always like a fist bumper or like, better yet, don't touch me.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
7. LBLara Beitz
  After, after shows, you don't have to fucking touch me, dude. I've had men kiss me on my mouth after shows.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, okay. That's rude.
9. LBLara Beitz
  I've had people like grab my stomach after show-
10. JRJoe Rogan
  That's rude.
11. LBLara Beitz
  I've, like, people put their hands on me and try to touch me and I'm like, "We don't... It's, it's germs."
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Men have kissed you on your mouth? How many?
13. LBLara Beitz
  One. Took me a while to add that up.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
15. NANarrator
  (laughs)
16. LBLara Beitz
  Well, I tried to fish. I was like, I mean, men have kissed me on my face. One guy kissed me on my mouth, but I was pushing him off of me and yelling, "Stop. What the fuck are you doing?" And like, the people with him were like laughing. And I was like, "What the fuck is your problem? This is not..." I, I snapped on him. I yelled at him. And then I didn't shake anyone's hands after that.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  That's the difference between being a woman comic and being a male comic. Dudes have never tried to kiss me. I've never had a guy try to kiss me.
18. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs) I honestly don't even believe you.
19. NANarrator
  (laughs)
20. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
21. LBLara Beitz
  I feel like dudes have tried to kiss you. I feel like you've probably been kissed on the mouth by more women after your shows.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  30 or 40 guys. Uh, a couple women have tried to kiss me.
23. LBLara Beitz
  There you go.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  But it's not threatening, you know? That's the difference. It's not dangerous.
25. LBLara Beitz
  That's just 'cause you're into it. Just 'cause you're into it doesn't mean-
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Ah. No, it's not dangerous. Like, they can't really rape me. You know what I'm saying?
27. LBLara Beitz
  I feel threatened on your behalf, but I respect your right to feel safe.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Thank you very much.
29. LBLara Beitz
  I'm glad that you feel safe.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  I appreciate you feeling threatened on my behalf, but my point is like, a woman is not physically scary to me.
38:56 – 55:19
Work ethic and craft: writing habits, bombing, and what makes a real comedian
1. JRJoe Rogan
  What... You- you got that heavy fucking Midwest accent, that Chicago accent, right? Is that where you from? Where you from?
2. LBLara Beitz
  I'm from Milwaukee.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. It's that same thing, that Midwest. You know, just like you could tell, you know?
4. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
5. JRJoe Rogan
  You know what I'm saying?
6. LBLara Beitz
  I mean, it's funny. I don't, I don't hear it, you know? Like, I believe you.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  I think you have it less now than when I met you. I think when I met you... How long have you been at the Store?
8. LBLara Beitz
  Um, I got past seven months before COVID.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Here's a good story. Uh, Laura was on stage once, and Bert Kreischer and I were coming from, uh, we did a show in the main room. Then we had a couple of cocktails in the comedian's bar, and we were hanging out. And we were walking by, and just on a whim, we decided to walk into the OR. And, uh, you were fucking slaying. And there was like maybe... I don't know. How many people were in there? 10? 15? Something like that.
10. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs) Small.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  And it doubled by the time your set was over. And we were howling. And I remember we came up to you afterwards. I even put it on my Instagram. I put it on my Instagram how funny you were. And, uh... And then Adam got super excited 'cause he loves you. Adam Eget. And we, we were all talking about it. But when... Those moments are so important to me. When you see someone in front of a small crowd that is on late at night, and that fucking audience has seen everything. They've been there... A lot of those people have been there from the beginning of the night, so they've been there from 8:00. And here we were, like... What was it? Like, 1:00 or something like that?
12. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  It was late. And here we were at 1:00 AM and you were killing. And I was like, "Wow." That's... It's... That's, that's the real thing, you know? That's the re-... That's... Those are like the moments of the beginning that like... Those are the roots of a real career.
14. LBLara Beitz
  Thank you so much. It's so funny because, um, I am so glad that I didn't know that you and Bert were watching (laughs) 'cause I remember that set, and I remember I was trying new stuff. And I remember talking to audience members like, "I tried a punchline and it didn't work." And I remember having a conversation with them about it and being like, "Did that not work? Did you not get it?" Like, "Do you not know what I meant?" Or "Did you get it and you didn't think it was funny?" And they were like, "We don't really know what you're talking about." And so I explained it and then, changed that joke or cut that joke. But I would never... If I knew you guys were watching, I would have done a polished 15 minutes. I woulda done my best material. Um, so thank you. I mean, you're very generous and you're very kind because that wasn't like, uh... It was not a TV-ready set. I wasn't fucking around.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  It didn't have to be. It was late night at the Store. It's... You're better off not doing a TV-ready set because they've already seen everything polished. They want real. That was one of the good things about it is they're like, "Why didn't that fucking joke work?"
16. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
17. JRJoe Rogan
  You know (laughs) ? And you were just loose. You were loose and you were angry and y-... It was raw and it was like... It was... Uh, we were laughing hard. We laughed really hard.
18. LBLara Beitz
  Thank you.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  We both talked about it afterwards, you know? I'm like, "Damn, she's fucking good." 'Cause it's... I still love comedy. I still love watching new people. I still love it. I love w-... I love the whole... And I've been doing it for so long, but I still love watching the process. I still love Kill Tony. I love watching those new people do one minute. I love when they kill. I love it.
20. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  I... Those... I love seeing... Like, it- it reignites my passion for it.
22. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah. I was talking to, um, Dillivin s-... Dillivin? Dylan Sullivan about that last night, about how the OR was so fun because you can watch people be so funny and you can watch them bomb, being hilarious at like, 1:00 in the morning. And those are the- my two favorite things about standup are watching people be hilarious and then separately watching them-Eat shit is hilarious.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
24. LBLara Beitz
  To watch someone tell a joke to a bunch of people and have no one laugh, it's hilarious. (laughs) It's hilarious and-
25. JRJoe Rogan
  That makes me the most uncomfortable.
26. LBLara Beitz
  Oh my God.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  The worst thing is when you go on the road and you don't pick your opening acts and, uh, I started bringing people on the road with me for two reasons. One, because I wanted someone to hang out with, selfishly. I mean, I, I wanted... Also, I wanted my friends to get work, you know? And then I got to a point where I could hire people to come with me. But two, when someone is, is terrible and they go on before you, you get confused. You're like, "Oh my God, maybe comedy doesn't work. Maybe it's not real. Maybe nothing's funny." Like, sometimes you'd be in, like, Florida or something like that, in Tampa, and not to single out Tampa, but someone would go on stage-
28. LBLara Beitz
  That's so specific. (laughs)
29. JRJoe Rogan
  ... and they'd be so bad. I worked one time with this guy that he was... The middle act was so bad that I was baffled. I was like, "I don't think there's anything funny. There's nothing funny." Like I had to, I had to close myself. He, have you ever been to Tampa?
30. LBLara Beitz
  No.
55:19 – 1:04:08
Addiction and recovery: Lara’s sobriety story and genetic vulnerability
1. LBLara Beitz
  Um, my dad was, like, quitting stuff for my whole life, and, and, and eventually got sober in jail when I was 12.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (sighs)
3. LBLara Beitz
  And was sober for the rest of my life. He was sober for the next 12 years, until he died when I was 24. And I don't think that anyone ever really expected him to stop drinking, you know? So it's, like, worth having hope for people, but also, my mom didn't argue him into finally quitting drinking. I didn't beg him into finally quitting drinking. Nobody convinced him except for, like, his own misery of, like, losing his family and then being in jail. You know?
4. JRJoe Rogan
  You, you used to party hard.
5. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah. (laughs)
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
7. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  What made you?
9. LBLara Beitz
  (sighs) Um ...
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Do you think it's a genetic thing?
11. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah, I do. I think it's a genetic thing. I think that there also can be an environmental component, you know? I, I know that some things that I liked about it were, it, it made me feel comfortable talking to people. Um, crowds have always been kinda draining for me, large crowds, especially if it's, like, people I don't know. Um, and I felt like I could talk to guys for the first time when I started drinking. But then I couldn't stop drinking once I started drinking. So I would be, like, laid out on a bathroom floor with the guys I liked, like, stepping over me-
12. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
13. LBLara Beitz
  ... to p- to pee, you know? It just got real ... That's how it always went. I'd feel-
14. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
15. LBLara Beitz
  There'd be, like, a moment in the night where I was like, "Oh yeah, I'm fucking hot." (laughs)
16. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
17. LBLara Beitz
  And then I'd have, like, throw-up in my ear and be fucking pissing someone's futon. So it just was always real rough, and there was a period of time for, like, years, where I woke up and started drinking and drank all day and was a blackout drinker every night. Um, and then I actually had a, a boyfriend, and I quit drinking for him, and then I started again. And it just was always, like, it always went back to the same place. Like, I tried quitting w- I tried quitting every year since I started. I started drinking pretty much daily when I was 17, and then got sober when I was 29 and haven't had, um, a drink or a drug since. But my bottom wasn't when I stopped. When I stopped was just when I was done. (laughs)
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Hmm.
19. LBLara Beitz
  It's an interesting thing. But my last drink was actually just, like, a couple sips of a friend's beer. And then I just was like, I, I just, something clicked and I knew I couldn't do it by myself, and I was willing to accept help. I was willing to do anything. I was willing to do whatever it took. And so, um, I did. I got help. It was free.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  What year was this around?
21. LBLara Beitz
  Uh, January 21st, 2014.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Wow. You know it by the day.
23. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  That's great. I only have like a, a d- other than the birth of my children in my head like that, I have like the s- the day I started comedy, day I was married, that kinda shit.
25. LBLara Beitz
  Yeah.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  But that's a big one.
27. LBLara Beitz
  I don't know when I started comedy and I don't know when you got married-
28. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
29. LBLara Beitz
  ... but that's my, that's my date. Yeah.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  I started comedy August 27th, 1988. And I think back to that day all the time, because I almost pussied out.
1:04:08 – 1:31:05
Cannabis extremes, edibles, and airport chaos stories
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Okay, thank you. I think it's probably this little deck more than it is the, uh, headset itself. Yeah, it's a weird one. It's a weird with pot too. I've seen some people, they- they smoke pot and they just lose their fucking marbles. Uh, there's this guy named Alex Berenson. He wrote a- a- a book called Tell Your Children, and I had him on, um, with this, uh, this guy who's a cannabis doctor from Canada, Mike Hart, and they were debating whether or not cannabis is... A- and Tell Your Children is basically about some people, when they smoke marijuana, have psychotic breaks and- and schizophrenic episodes. And I've seen it. I know people that have lost their fucking marbles with weed. And I know at least one guy whose whole life went on a downward spiral after Joey Diaz gave him an edible. Like, legitimately. On the podcast, by the way.
2. LBLara Beitz
  But he c- he has crazy edibles.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
4. LBLara Beitz
  I don't even feel like that's fair to edibles, because I hear him talk about the milligrams and I see normal people's reactions to it.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh. Yeah.
6. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
7. JRJoe Rogan
  I've taken his edibles. They- they all-
8. LBLara Beitz
  He, like, tricks people into taking them, doesn't he?
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He lies about what-
10. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
11. JRJoe Rogan
  ... the dosage is. He's such a savage. He's such an in-
12. LBLara Beitz
  I love him so much.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  ... interesting person.
14. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
15. JRJoe Rogan
  He, uh, would take an edible that's 500 milligrams and he would, uh, take it out of the wrapper and put it in a wrapper that's 50 milligrams.
16. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
17. JRJoe Rogan
  So rude.
18. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
19. JRJoe Rogan
  It's so rude.
20. LBLara Beitz
  That's so fucked up.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  It's so fucked up.
22. LBLara Beitz
  That would ruin someone's, like... He's done it. He did it to Tom on, like, an airplane, didn't he?
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
24. LBLara Beitz
  (laughs)
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Tom was so mad at him. Yeah.
26. LBLara Beitz
  Ah.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Tom and I-
28. LBLara Beitz
  I wanna start drugging people. That's funny.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  It's only funny when it's Joey. You'd have to go along with it.
30. LBLara Beitz
  You don't think I could pull it off?