Joe Rogan Experience #2014 - Jim Gaffigan

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drumming music plays) Joe Rogan podcast.…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      (drumming music plays) Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. (rock music plays)

   2. JGJim Gaffigan0:11

      No, no. Yeah, I know. No, I just-

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      (laughs)

   4. JGJim Gaffigan0:13

      ... I just saw that clip of Jordan. "I, I don't e-... I don't miss it either." Yeah, he's got weird autoimmune issues. So for him, there was like an elimination diet, and he found out that it was just a bunch of things that his body was reacting to in a very negative way, and one of them, apparently, was vegetables. A lot of it is like just complex carbohydrates. You know, a lot of it is, uh, bread and pasta and stuff like that. A lot of people get really inflamed eating that, and it causes a host of issues. Isn't that great? I mean, it's... Well, eventually, it... isn't there... You know, like even the problem with chemo... And, you know, I'm a guy who tells diarrhea jokes, so I know a lot about this.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:53

      (laughs)

   6. JGJim Gaffigan0:53

      Isn't it... Isn't the expectation that if they could kind of, uh, concierge your cancer treatment to your specific type of cancer for your type of body or your type of cells, that that's why people are gonna be able to live to 100, rich people are gonna be able to live to 100?

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:15

      Um, I think there's definitely a lot of research that's done in, in that way. But I, I also think that it, it depen-... It's... There's so many factors when it comes to cancer. There's environmental factors, there's lifestyle factors, like what you're eating, like you, how much stress you're under. There's a lot. There's genetic issues. There's a lot going on when it comes to cancer.

   8. JGJim Gaffigan1:37

      Yeah. I mean, there is like... I mean, you just hear about, you know, people from the Philippines, like an entire family, everyone died of cancer at 40. And you're like, "Uh."

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:50

      Yeah.

   10. JGJim Gaffigan1:51

       What's, uh... what's going on there?

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:52

       Yeah.

   12. JGJim Gaffigan1:52

       You know? Like...

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:54

       Unfortunately, though, some of it is genetic. Some people just have a shit roll of the dice, genetically, you know, and then there's-

   14. JGJim Gaffigan2:00

       Are you saying that because I have all recessive genes?

   15. JRJoe Rogan2:04

       Do you?

   16. JGJim Gaffigan2:04

       I mean, I am literally-

   17. JRJoe Rogan2:06

       All of them? 100%?

   18. JGJim Gaffigan2:06

       I'm like everything's recessive.

   19. JRJoe Rogan2:09

       (laughs)

   20. JGJim Gaffigan2:09

       (laughs) I literally went into the dermatologist and he's like, "You know, well, we're just gonna..." Like, you know, 'cause y-... I don't know if you ever get the cancer stuff of the basal cells. He's like, "W- w- we, we should probably just chop off your arms 'cause they're just all basal cells." (laughs) So, it's like I am, uh, you know... Uh, I am all recessive genes.

   21. JRJoe Rogan2:30

       How did-

   22. JGJim Gaffigan2:30

       Blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin-

   23. JRJoe Rogan2:31

       ... white people, really white people, deal with the sun-

   24. JGJim Gaffigan2:35

       I don't know.

   25. JRJoe Rogan2:35

       ... back in the day before sunscreen?

   26. JGJim Gaffigan2:37

       Well, I think, I think some of it is, uh, you know, if they're in Northern Ireland or Scotland, uh, I don't... I think it's all right.

   27. JRJoe Rogan2:48

       Yeah. They're not gonna really get burned.

   28. JGJim Gaffigan2:49

       And they're also not living past 40, right?

   29. JRJoe Rogan2:53

       (laughs)

   30. JGJim Gaffigan2:54

       (laughs) Right? I mean, they're kind of-
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      the time-

   2. JGJim Gaffigan15:00

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:01

      ... I very rarely drink-drink. I'll have a drink.

   4. JGJim Gaffigan15:05

      Right, right.

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:05

      Like before a show, like last night, I had a half of a drink. We were at... Ron White was there, and he had his tequila, and he was pouring drinks for everybody.

   6. JGJim Gaffigan15:12

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:12

      So I had, I had a sip of his tequila. I had a little bit. But when I smoke pot or, you know, or anything else, it's just no big deal. Like, the next day, I feel fine. It's not-

   8. JGJim Gaffigan15:24

      Yeah, there's total recovery.

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:25

      ... it's not wrecking, yeah, it's not wrecking me.

   10. JGJim Gaffigan15:26

       But, all right, so but you're inhaling... And now I sound like the Puritan. You're inhaling-

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:32

       You're inhaling. Yeah.

   12. JGJim Gaffigan15:32

       ... your lungs, but you're doing it in a way where it's not damaging the lungs?

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:36

       Um, well, it's probably not good for your lungs to just inhale burnt plant fiber.

   14. JGJim Gaffigan15:43

       Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:44

       You know, it's probably not good. But it doesn't show cancer on the levels that, like, you see from people that are cigarette smokers. You also don't smoke as much.

   16. JGJim Gaffigan15:53

       Right.

   17. JRJoe Rogan15:53

       Like, you take a couple of hits before a show. It's not like you're sitting there with a pack of cigarettes and you're doing it every day.

   18. JGJim Gaffigan16:00

       Right, right.

   19. JRJoe Rogan16:00

       It's different.

   20. JGJim Gaffigan16:02

       Right. And you're not living next to a chemical plant and-

   21. JRJoe Rogan16:04

       That, you know, environmental fact, you're, like, working in a chemical plant. Like, people that have to work with chemicals, like, that's fucking horrible. People who paint cars and shit like that, like, pshh, that's rough.

   22. JGJim Gaffigan16:16

       Like, do you ever look at the Europeans, like the, uh, you know, the, the way that, like, some of our foods have, um, genetic modified thing?

   23. JRJoe Rogan16:27

       Mm-hmm.

   24. JGJim Gaffigan16:27

       And then you, and then the Europeans are like, "No, we're not gonna do that." I'm like, "Uh, uh, are we doing it wrong?"

   25. JRJoe Rogan16:32

       We're definitely doing it wrong.

   26. JGJim Gaffigan16:33

       And so, like-

   27. JRJoe Rogan16:34

       Yeah.

   28. JGJim Gaffigan16:34

       ... why isn't there this ground swell? I mean, outside of the obvious thing of f- financial interests of major corporations corrupting our political system. But, like, why is there not kind of people saying, "This is insane"?

   29. JRJoe Rogan16:52

       Because of the financial issue. It's-

   30. JGJim Gaffigan16:55

       Wow.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   I think it's legal…

   1. JGJim Gaffigan30:00

      but since it's decriminalized, the police are like, "We don't, we got enough on our hands, so we're not ..." And it's decriminalized, so we're not-

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:08

      I think it's legal in New York now.

   3. JGJim Gaffigan30:10

      Well, but here's the, here's what happens is that, like, my barber opens a weed shop. Everyone has a weed shop. But unlike LA where it's, it feels organized, in New York it's a little bit of the wild wild west. And so there's these two stores and, again, there's no supervision, so one store starts selling mushrooms. You know, kind of like discreetly. Some of them starts, you know, they'll sell it to a kid that's 13, whereas in LA and Colorado, I don't think that happens.

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:41

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JGJim Gaffigan30:42

      And so as a result, what's happening in New York is that there's kids that, like, are getting stuff that, since it's not regulated-... they're getting stuff that's laced with stuff. And so, instead of g- smoking, you know, s- bending your 16 y- your age of 16 years old smoking oregano for three months, these kids are smoking some of the most powerful stuff that's laced with shit. And then there's kids that are, like, you know, there's kids jumping off buildings. You know what I mean? And the thing is, is like it's not talked about because it's, it's, you know, some of these wealthy parents, there's so much shame about... I mean, I have no idea. I can't even contemplate what it would be like. But, like, it's not in the news. It's not like, you know, where I grew up in Indiana. It's like, "Oh, that town, there's meth there." You know what I mean?

   6. JRJoe Rogan31:36

      Yeah.

   7. JGJim Gaffigan31:36

      It's not like that. It's like there is a cover-up. Like, this kid was gonna go to this great college and he got stoned off of a vape pen that was laced with s- you know, um, you know, whatever that stuff that they get from China.

   8. JRJoe Rogan31:50

      Fentanyl?

   9. JGJim Gaffigan31:51

      Yeah. And he jumps off a building. And the kid wasn't suicidal. The kid wasn't a total fuck-up. It was... And so instead of that being in the news, the family's like, you know, it's, it's brutal. And again, it's, it's very similar to, uh, you know, just the mental health crisis. It's a tsunami, what these kids are facing.

   10. JRJoe Rogan32:15

       Yeah, there's a lot going on. The, the fentanyl thing is a giant issue. It's, it's killing 100,000 people every year in this country, fentanyl overdoses, young people.

   11. JGJim Gaffigan32:25

       And why is... I mean, you know, that's a lot of people.

   12. JRJoe Rogan32:30

       It's a lot of people.

   13. JGJim Gaffigan32:32

       And is, uh, w- is there... All right, so we... Now, you ever heard about how this is, like, in response to the Opium Wars? Did you ever hear about that?

   14. JRJoe Rogan32:41

       That it's in response to the Opium Wars?

   15. JGJim Gaffigan32:43

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan32:43

       How so?

   17. JGJim Gaffigan32:43

       So, like, so, uh, y- you know, I've performed in China a couple of times. Now I'm never gonna be able to perform there after saying this. But, like, essentially, during the Opium Wars, is, like, the British were trying to take over China and they were trying to trade, and essentially nothing was working. So, what they essentially did is they got an entire generation of Chinese addicted to opium, and they d- stabilized, and then they could take it over.

   18. JRJoe Rogan33:11

       Hmm.

   19. JGJim Gaffigan33:12

       And so... And the British did a lot of nice things in India and all over the world. (laughs) But this is, like, one of the things that, uh, you know, among the expats in, uh, that were per- performing standup in China would, would tell me about, is that, like, "Oh, yeah, this fentanyl is all kind of like revenge for that."

   20. JRJoe Rogan33:35

       Hmm.

   21. JGJim Gaffigan33:36

       And that... So, they, they make it. They sell it to the, the p- you know, the cartels in Mexico, and it's just gonna get in. But, like, so what is the... 'Cause the r- the question is, what is the motivation behind them doing this? It is kind of like you hold a grudge.

   22. JRJoe Rogan33:54

       Hmm.

   23. JGJim Gaffigan33:55

       You know? It's like you literally, you know, this great nation that has d- uh, you know, thousands year more history than most Western countries was essentially the British came in and they drugged 'em. And I can just see my comments right now. "You know nothing, you know nothing-"

   24. JRJoe Rogan34:16

       (laughs)

   25. JGJim Gaffigan34:16

       "... you know nothing." And by the way, I do know nothing, but this is what... It's, it's an interesting explanation, right?

   26. JRJoe Rogan34:24

       Well, the Opium War is a historical fact.

   27. JGJim Gaffigan34:26

       Yes.

   28. JRJoe Rogan34:26

       Yeah. That's-

   29. JGJim Gaffigan34:27

       But, like-

   30. JRJoe Rogan34:27

       ... that's real.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      tomatoes-

   2. JGJim Gaffigan45:00

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      ... that last for months on the shelf.

   4. JGJim Gaffigan45:02

      Uh-huh.

   5. JRJoe Rogan45:02

      Those things are bastardized.

   6. JGJim Gaffigan45:04

      It's crazy.

   7. JRJoe Rogan45:05

      Like, heirloom tomatoes? That's what a tomato's supposed to be like, those-

   8. JGJim Gaffigan45:09

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:09

      ... delicious, sweet, succulent tomatoes.

   10. JGJim Gaffigan45:12

       Yeah. And you're like-

   11. JRJoe Rogan45:13

       Yeah.

   12. JGJim Gaffigan45:13

       ... this is actually good.

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:15

       Yeah.

   14. JGJim Gaffigan45:16

       I could see eating this. Like, uh, even kale, I, you know I have material on kale, and I've, I've grown kale and I'm like, all right, you know, this is better than the, you know, 'cause of course the time I had kale 10 or 15 years ago, it was just bitter. It was probably old kale.

   15. JRJoe Rogan45:33

       Mm-hmm.

   16. JGJim Gaffigan45:33

       You know what I mean? That had bolted or whatever, so.

   17. JRJoe Rogan45:37

       Well, kale has a lot of oxalates in it, so I used to drink, um, uh, kale smoothies every morning, and then I started reading up on kidney stones and problems with oxalates when you eat raw vegetables in, like, high quantities. There's a lot of people that drink a lot of those veggie shakes in the morning with ground up vegetables that wind up getting problems with oxalates. They, they-

   18. JGJim Gaffigan46:00

       Really?

   19. JRJoe Rogan46:01

       ... they say, yeah, they say it's actually for some vegetables, it's actually better to cook them.

   20. JGJim Gaffigan46:05

       Really?

   21. JRJoe Rogan46:05

       Yeah.

   22. JGJim Gaffigan46:06

       'Cause I- isn't celery supposed to decrease inflammation?

   23. JRJoe Rogan46:11

       Celery's supposed to clean you out. There's, like, properties in celery that are supposed to be really good for digestive issues and to clean you out. Celery juice is great. It's, it's a good thing in the morning too, it kinda gets, gets your whole fucking bowel system moving.

   24. JGJim Gaffigan46:26

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan46:26

       You know?

   26. JGJim Gaffigan46:27

       And so do you have one cheat day 'cause, you know, we've talked about Italian food that-

   27. JRJoe Rogan46:32

       Mm-hmm.

   28. JGJim Gaffigan46:32

       ... that's, uh, you know-

   29. JRJoe Rogan46:33

       That's my fucking-

   30. JGJim Gaffigan46:34

       ... Vetri's place in Philadelphia.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:15:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JGJim Gaffigan1:00:00

      other for 30 years, and it was nothing. It was n- it was not an issue. It was interesting. I mean, I was asking them questions. You know, I'm like, "All right. So what's going on here?"

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

      Yeah.

   3. JGJim Gaffigan1:00:11

      And, uh, but there is something, maybe it's because comedians are misfits 'cause I say that also, and I sometimes think like, sometimes people in the entertainment industry are like, "You know, my business is so weird." When the reality is, (laughs) you know, in a bank, in a, you know, in a construction site, there's people of dramatically different opinions too, and they gotta go along to get along.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:38

      Yeah.

   5. JGJim Gaffigan1:00:38

      Right?

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:39

      Yeah.

   7. JGJim Gaffigan1:00:39

      But, I don't know.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:40

      Well, people like being in opposition of other people, and they, they like thinking that those people on that other side are keeping them from living the dream or keeping, you know, this country from being great or keeping, you know, people from prospering and keeping democracy alive, and if we don't defeat them, we're fucked. And, they, they like having this like wild cause. And, there's some validity to it. I mean, there's a lot of real challenging issues in this country.

   9. JGJim Gaffigan1:01:05

      There are.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:01:05

       Like real dangerous, scary issues, and there's a lot of financial interests that are tied up in these dangerous, scary issues, and they will avoid solutions because they're profiting off of the problem itself.

   11. JGJim Gaffigan1:01:18

       Wow.

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:01:19

       There's a lot of that going on.

   13. JGJim Gaffigan1:01:20

       Yeah. I mean-

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:01:20

       That's a lot of the homeless problem.

   15. JGJim Gaffigan1:01:22

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:01:22

       That's a lot of, there's a lot of issues in this country that you could pick one side or another and just decide the o- tho- those people are the problem. It's insanely complicated. It's insanely interwoven and complex, and you know to just-... to, y- you know, reduce it down to the right versus the left, and we're the good guys, and they're the bad guys. It's like, (sighs) it's- that's such a stupid perspective, and you're being played. You're being played by the media. You're being played by politicians, you know. It's like-

   17. JGJim Gaffigan1:01:52

       Yeah.

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:01:52

       ... uh, manufactured outrage, recreational outrage, and it's just a giant distraction that's constantly going on, and then there's UFOs.

   19. JGJim Gaffigan1:02:00

       Yeah. What's go- why is it that the UFO thing comes up every couple months, where people are like, "There's UFOs," and then, uh, like, a half hour later, people are like, "Did you see the new Colts uniform?"

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:02:13

       (laughs)

   21. JGJim Gaffigan1:02:13

       You're like, we're so easily distracted-

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:02:16

       Yes.

   23. JGJim Gaffigan1:02:16

       ... by really unimportant-

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:02:18

       Mm-hmm.

   25. JGJim Gaffigan1:02:19

       ... things from, like, stuff that, (clears throat) y- you know, is- is the theme of, uh, every sci-fi movie, right? It's, we're so, you know, like, the, you know, the aliens thing, in the pandemic, where they're like, "Well, here's the aliens info," and people are like, "That's unbelievable." Did you see what Trump said to that female reporter?

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:02:39

       (laughs)

   27. JGJim Gaffigan1:02:39

       You know what I mean? Like, we are so easily distracted-

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:02:42

       Yeah.

   29. JGJim Gaffigan1:02:43

       ... by, but, I mean, I don't think it's a conspiracy necessarily. I think it's just that human beings are just like goldfish. I think we forget.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:02:55

       For sure.
6. 1:15:00 – 1:19:53

   Oh, really? …

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:15:00

      was more than one.

   2. JGJim Gaffigan1:15:00

      Oh, really?

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:15:01

      And then, and also I think there was some other evidence of plagiarism in his past. So, we used to do a night at Stitches-

   4. JGJim Gaffigan1:15:08

      Oh, wow.

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:15:08

      ... where, like, you would do my act, I would do your act. We would do ev- we'd go up and do our friends' acts.

   6. JGJim Gaffigan1:15:13

      Oh, wow.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:15:14

      Yeah. It was Joe Biden night.

   8. JGJim Gaffigan1:15:16

      No way.

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:15:16

      Yeah, and this was in 1988.

   10. JGJim Gaffigan1:15:19

       But, I don't know, maybe this... All right, this is what I think. I think that if Trump... I think that... I think that if Trump goes away, I think Biden's gonna go, "See ya. You guys take over." That's what I naively think.

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:15:35

       Well, Trump's not going to go away. I mean, they would have to put him in jail, and it doesn't seem like they're able to do that. The- the- the... What are the charges now? What are the, like, the most egregious, most difficult to defend charges?

   12. JGJim Gaffigan1:15:50

       Uh...

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:15:51

       'Cause there's the, uh, the top secret document stuff, but the problem with that is Biden has multiple instances of these top secret documents.

   14. JGJim Gaffigan1:15:59

       Yeah, it's been-

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:15:59

       Yeah.

   16. JGJim Gaffigan1:15:59

       You know, yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:16:00

       Had 'em in his fucking Corvette in his garage, like...

   18. NANarrator1:16:02

       There's a couple cases according to the Politico website-

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:16:05

       Criminal cases. Definitive guide to the key players and legal risks in the four criminal probes of Donald Trump. So for 234 years of the nation's history, no American president or former president was indicted. That changed in March of 2023. Charged with 34 felony counts in connection with hush money payments to a porn star. See, that one's a weird one. Because it's like, that's not a big deal.

   20. JGJim Gaffigan1:16:30

       Well, that's- that's, you know...

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:16:32

       Hush money payments, like-

   22. JGJim Gaffigan1:16:33

       I mean, I don't know if our wives would agree. (laughs)

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:16:36

       No, definitely it's- it's not, like, morally.

   24. JGJim Gaffigan1:16:38

       No, but it is... But yeah, that's like, you know, in the era of JFK, that would be like, "How dare you bring that up."

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:16:45

       Yeah. So, um, 37 felony counts for mishandling classified documents and impending investigations. Now, what I've heard about this is th- these counts are inflated. So there- there's a bunch of counts, but they multiply those accounts based on the amount of documents and things, so it becomes all these different counts. Uh, I'm talking out of my ass here. I don't exactly know what I'm saying.

   26. JGJim Gaffigan1:17:07

       No, I know, but some of it is like... But that's...

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:17:09

       So two other ongoing criminal probes, both related to the 2020 election interference. Those are serious.

   28. JGJim Gaffigan1:17:15

       Yeah, I think that-

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:17:15

       May prompt further indictments.

   30. JGJim Gaffigan1:17:16

       I think the January 6th thing is pretty bad.

Episode duration: 2:51:15