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Dr. Becky Kennedy: How parenting tools defuse adult conflict

Through repair, connection-before-correction, and the Most Generous Interpretation; Becky leads difficult adults the way you'd parent a child well.

Lenny RachitskyhostDr. Becky Kennedyguest
Feb 1, 20261h 31mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 5:14

    Introduction to Dr. Becky Kennedy

    1. LR

      Most adults in the corporate environment are really just babies in disguise.

    2. BK

      All humans need the same things, whether we're one or five or forty-five or eighty-five. When you look at bad behavior, the actual problem is someone doesn't have the skill they need to manage something happening internally.

    3. LR

      Love your advice. It works not just for kids, it works for adults.

    4. BK

      Our whole parenting philosophy is resilience over happiness. When we're thinking about a resilient work culture, we want people who can say, "This is hard, and I can do hard things."

    5. LR

      You teach kids are good inside, no matter their behavior. Is that useful in work?

    6. BK

      The idea of being good inside inherently requires us to separate behavior and identity. We infer a lot from people's behavior. Someone's late to work a lot, "Oh, that person's lazy." The quickest way to have an unproductive conversation is to lose sight of the fact that someone's good inside.

    7. LR

      I definitely wanted to ask you about this idea of boundaries.

    8. BK

      Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing. Making a request, it's not a boundary.

    9. LR

      Is there a corollary to adult work environments in potty learning? [upbeat music] Today, my guest is Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, author, and CEO of one of the most popular parenting books, podcasts, communities, and apps called Good Inside. Why would I have a parenting expert on this podcast? Because if you think about it, many of the people that we work with in the workplace act a lot more like babies than adults, and I'm half joking, but I'm half not. Think about coworkers that got really mad when they had to share their stuff, that always need to be the center of attention, that get really upset about not getting their way, that need other people to fix things for them. These are just a few examples, and there is a lot that we can learn about how to effectively deal with people at work from a parenting expert like Dr. Becky. I have never heard a conversation like this anywhere that bridges the gap between parenting advice and leadership advice, and you will leave this conversation both a better leader and a better parent. We talk about the power of repair, the importance of building long-term resilience versus short-term happiness, why your goal as a leader is to become sturdy, the power of curiosity over judgment, a framework Dr. Becky calls the most generous interpretation. Also, a ton of really specific phrases that work really well with kids and adults who you're having a hard time with, and so much more. I am so honored to have Dr. Becky on this podcast, and I hope you have as much fun listening to this conversation as I had recording it. If you enjoy this podcast, don't forget to subscribe and follow it in your favorite podcasting app or YouTube. That helps tremendously. And if you become an annual subscriber of my newsletter, you get a year free of a ton of incredible products, including a year free of Devin, Lovable, Replit, Bolt, n8n, Linear, Superhuman, Descript, Whisperflow, Gamma, Perplexity, Warp, Granola, Magic Pattern, Drake, Cast, Chapia, dMob, PostHog, and Stripe Atlas. Head on over to lennysnewsletter.com and click Product Pass. With that, I bring you Dr. Becky, after a short word from our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by Merge. Product leaders hate building integrations. They're messy, they're slow to build, they're a huge drain on your roadmap, and they're definitely not why you got into product in the first place. Lucky for you, Merge is obsessed with integrations. With a single API, B2B SaaS companies embed Merge into their product and ship two hundred and twenty-plus customer-facing integrations in weeks, not quarters. Think of Merge like Plaid, but for everything B2B SaaS. Companies like Mistral AI, Ramp, and Drata use Merge to connect their customers' accounting, HR, ticketing, CRM, and file storage systems to power everything from automatic onboarding to AI-ready data pipelines. Even better, Merge now supports the secure deployment of connectors to AI agents with a new product, so that you can safely power AI workflows with real customer data. If your product needs customer data from dozens of systems, Merge is the fastest, safest way to get it. Book and attend a meeting at merge.dev/lenny, and they'll send you a fifty-dollar Amazon gift card. That's merge.dev/lenny. Who says hiring has to be fair? Every founder and hiring manager I've been speaking with these days is feeling the same pressure: hire the best people as fast as possible. But recruiting is time-consuming, alignment is hard, and competition for great talent keeps getting tighter. That's why teams like Eleven Labs, Brex, Replit, Deal, and five thousand other organizations use Metaview, the AI company giving high-performance teams a real unfair advantage in hiring. They give you a suite of AI agents that behave like recruiting coworkers. They find candidates for you based on your exact criteria, take interview notes automatically, gather insights across your hiring process, and help you identify the best candidates in your pipeline. AI handles the recruiting toil and gives you a real source of truth. That means hours saved per hire and a team focused on what matters most: winning the right candidates. Don't let your competitors outhire you. Metaview customers close roles thirty percent faster. Try Metaview today for free and get an extra month of sourcing at metaview.ai/lenny. That's M-E-T-A view.ai/lenny.

  2. 5:14 – 8:40

    Connecting parenting and leadership

    1. LR

      [upbeat music] Dr. Becky, thank you so much for being here, and welcome to the podcast.

    2. BK

      I am truly very excited to be here. I am an avid listener of your podcast and all of your content, so I'm honored to be here.

    3. LR

      I, I can say exactly the same thing.

    4. BK

      [chuckles]

    5. LR

      Uh, I'm even more excited. First of all, just what is Dr. Becky doing on this podcast? Let's help people understand what's going on here. Uh, I have an explanation, but I wanna... I would ask you first, actually. What's the, what's the idea here?

    6. BK

      I, I think Good Inside, which is kinda, I guess, the company and, you know, the method around all the things I've, I've thought about, [chuckles] is known for helping parents with parenting struggles and different things that are going on with their kids at various ages. But at the end of the day, it's a set of core principles that help us better understand human beings, ourself, the core relationships we're in, why we do the things we do, and why we act the way we do in certain systems, and the system I tend to focus on the most is the family system.... but the workplace is another system, a marriage is a system, sibling relationships are a sibling, are a system. Extended family over the holidays, [chuckles] that's a system. And once you start to think through a lens of understanding how we operate in the system, any good principle can then be applied to any system, and I'm very oriented around efficiency also. So to me, what Good Inside really gives people is a way to think about themselves and a way to think about leadership. And whether we're talking about leadership in parenting or leadership in the workplace, it's actually the exact same principles that can be applied. And the good news for that is whether you're a parent, you're a leader at work, you're both, learning one system and applying it to multiple areas becomes a very efficient way to think about showing up in our relationships in a way that feels better to everyone.

    7. LR

      Awesome. Okay. Uh, I love that explanation. I have another lens that's-

    8. BK

      Oh, okay.

    9. LR

      Uh, may, may be funny, uh, may be too real. Uh, so I have a former, uh, podcast guest, Shreyas Doshi. He's one of my favorite product thinkers. He's been on the podcast a couple times. He's got this rant that most adults in the corporate environment are really just babies in disguise. They look like adults, they act like adults, but they're really babies. For example, they want to always be the center of attention. Uh, they don't wanna share stuff they've accumulated. They wanna keep their resources, their budget, their people. They get irrationally upset about things not going their way. They, uh... Even when it's just, like, a terrible idea, they're just like, "Nah, that was my idea. I want it to h- this thing to happen." Uh, there's also just, like, power struggles and, "No, no, I want this to happen because it's what I want." And, uh, they often just need people to fix things for them. For example, today, my toddler, he just, like, grabbed this Yoto player that we have, and he's, like, threw it across the room. He's like:, "Pick it up!" [chuckles] So with that, I think understanding how babies think and toddlers think and operate is helpful in the corporate environment, where we think we're working with adults, but a lot of times they're more like babies. How does that resonate?

    10. BK

      I guess my, you know, my most generous interpretation of what you just said is, is slightly different but similar, which is that all humans need the same things. Whether we're one or five or forty-five or eighty-five, we tend to need the same things. When the needs are not being met, we all tend to express ourselves in kind of ineffective, [chuckles] less-than-ideal ways, and so maybe that's my interpretation of, of agreeing with what you're saying.

    11. LR

      Awesome. Okay.

  3. 8:40 – 11:05

    The power of repair

    1. LR

      Okay, so let's get into the first, uh, topic lesson. Let's talk about the power of repair, one of your more important and impactful lessons that you teach parents. Explain the toddler kids version of this and how this is useful in raising kids, and then just how this might translate into a corporate environment.

    2. BK

      Yeah. I think repair is kind of the number one relationship strategy we have, and the thing that keeps us from repairing, which really is the idea of going back to a person after a moment we didn't feel proud of, taking responsibility for our part, maybe acknowledging the impact it had on them, and talking about what you would do differently the next time, is actually this very false idea that there's a goal to be perfect, right? I- in our family, we say something, we actually now say it at work: "Perfect is creepy." I just think it encapsulates, like, you don't even wanna be perfect. It's actually very creepy. Only non-humans, you know, can ever be perfect. And what defines kind of the human condition [chuckles] is that we want to do well, and we mess up over and over again. And one of the things I remember learning in clinical psych grad school was that the thing that really differentiated secure attachment, which is the nature of a relationship you really want to have with your kid, is the presence of repair. And I remember the professor continuing to talk, and I was kind of stopped in my tracks, thinking: What? Oh, so secure attachment isn't defined by getting it right all the time. Secure attachment is just defined by we're all gonna mess up, but secure attachment has an adult who's willing to repair. That felt very hopeful to me, 'cause it felt like something I could realistically get good at. And over and over, whether it's with your kid, when you say to them, "Hey, sorry I yelled." You know, some version of, "I had a stressful day at work. That wasn't your fault, and I'm working on staying calmer even when I'm upset." Or we say to someone, I don't know, on our team: "Hey, earlier in the meeting, I totally cut you off. I used a really harsh tone. Honestly, I did disagree with what you're saying, but that's no excuse for me to talk to you the way I did. Stuff was going on before the meeting. I'm sorry, I'm gonna work on that." There's just nothing to reestablish trust and connection like repair, and when trust and connection are reestablished, then whether it's your kid or someone at work, they cooperate better. You don't get into conversations that are kind of run-on conversations that are really an act of defensiveness, and you can just get a lot more done.

  4. 11:05 – 17:45

    Connecting before correcting

    1. LR

      There's a kind of an associated concept you talk about, which is around connecting before correcting, which, uh, reminds me of Radical Candor a little bit, of just this idea of challenge directly, but care deeply. Talk a bit about this concept of connecting before correcting.

    2. BK

      Yeah, well, I- I'll, I'll use kind of... Let's take it out of parenting and work because I think it really shows the importance of connecting in all of our lives. So all of us say about our kids, "My kid doesn't listen. My kid doesn't listen to me," right? But if you picture me on the couch, and let's say my- I have three kids, they're all sleeping now, and I'm finally settling in for now, like, the two minutes I have before I pass out, you know, 'cause I'm tired. And let's say my husband comes out and just says, "Becky, we have to do our taxes." And you're watching this scene, and you see me say, "Whoa, like, I just sat down to read a book." And he goes, "You don't, you don't listen to me. You have a listening problem, and if you don't do the taxes with me right now, I'm taking away your dessert for a week, okay?" Lenny, I'm pretty sure no one would tell me I have a listening problem. [chuckles] They'd probably say I have a husband problem, if that happened, right? They'd be like, "Wow, you're..." I- but we do that to our kids, and we do that at work all the time. Now, let's say the same situation happened, and he said, "Whoa, I realized I didn't tell you this. We have to get our taxes done tonight. You look like you're just settling in to that book.... Oh! Can we get on top of this together? I know we're on the same team. Can we figure this out? The chances that I will do taxes just skyrocketed, right? Why? Because he sees me in my reality as a full human being, not just as an object in his world to get something done. He kind of joins my world, where I'm embedded in my own priorities, and by doing that, forms a bridge, that's what connection is, so I can kind of walk back over to his world with him to do something that's a priority in his world. So connection, it first of all, just feels good anyway, but it's not such a kind of soft topic. Connection is what forms a bridge between two people so they can act together in the same interest. And so whether you're thinking about your kid not listening, or you're thinking about things at work, coming back to connection is really the foundation for both cooperation and at work, even productivity.

    3. LR

      I love the way you phrased it at the beginning, that, like, the way you just said it, I'm like, "Oh, wow, that's so..." I get why someone would start to listen. To help people actually do this in their, in day-to-day, what are just like... How would- how- what's the way to approach that, the way you phrase, like, beginning that connection conversation?

    4. BK

      The truth is, the first step is a mindset. And I know that sounds annoying because it's like, "Just tell me what to do," and anyone who knows me knows I love telling people script ideas. But we feel people's intention, not just their intervention. So the same intervention will be felt completely different [chuckles] based on our mindset. So if I'm going into a conversation with you, Lenny, and let's say, I don't know, I want you to do something for me. I'd like you to come water my non-existent plants, okay? And I'm like, "I'm gonna connect to Lenny first." First, I'm gonna say, "Oh, how's it going? Tell me this thing about your life." And you just know that is in and of itself a transaction to get you to do the thing I want you to do. Not only is it not gonna, quote, "work," it, it's gonna feel, like, dirty to you. You're, you're gonna feel it, and it's gonna feel off. So the mindset we need to be in, which is so hard, and I talk a good game, but it's hard for me, too, okay? Is trying to get [chuckles] into a kind of without-an-agenda mindset, even if it's for 30 seconds with someone. Being present with someone without an agenda is increasingly hard to do, but that is what connection is about. No one wants something of me. They just kind of see me, or they're recognizing something I'm doing, or they kind of plop down on the couch next to me. And so what could that look like with your kid? It's often very, very simple things, okay? And it's gonna feel really small, especially anyone who works a lot, where we get so addicted to accomplishing and dopamine. It's sitting next to your kid and putting your hand on their back, literally, for longer than feels natural. It's saying to your kid, "I'm happy to see you," and that's it. Such a nice thing to say when your kid comes home from school, or you come home from work, or first thing in the morning. It's watching your kid play and describing what they're doing, instead of peppering them with questions. "Oh, you're making a tall tower," versus, "Oh, my goodness. Is that a fire station? Oh, my goodness, we can make the best fire station in the world!" And I hear myself say that 'cause I can say that, but it's not connection, actually. At work, it's probably saying, "Hey, tell me a little about your long weekend," and not kind of counting down the seconds for them to finish, so you can tell them what to start on this week. But kind of giving yourself permission to say, "Can I actually just kind of drop down into that moment," right? And so I think it's the mindset, and then it's actually something that doesn't have an agenda, that's just about seeing someone, noticing someone in a really, really small way.

    5. LR

      I love this idea of just the mindset, and that's, like, such a powerful reframe of this, is like, don't think about what are the correct words to say. It's just, like, actually just feel, "Okay, I just wanna connect with you first for 30 seconds."

    6. BK

      Yeah, and, and I wanna reveal something about myself, right? So one of the things I think about is that efficiency and relationship building are often in opposition. We're doing one or the other. And one of the things I've learned the very, very hard way about myself, especially since I've been working, the way I've been working the last couple of years, is my efficiency is kind of reinforced at work, right? And, and a lot of us who can be very efficient [chuckles] and get things done, we can have a little morality about it. Like, we listen to someone's story, we're like: "Come on, get to the point," when that person in our life is like: "The whole point is that I wanna tell you the whole story," [chuckles] you know? And I think if anyone's listening, thinking, "Yeah, like, I'm kind of an efficiency-orienting- oriented person," dropping into relationship mode takes real intention. And it, it, it's hard, especially if a big part of your life, the efficiency is reinforced. So if it feels awkward and slow, and I always call it, with my kids, my best time just feels low stim. It just feels so low stim. [chuckles] I'm like, "What's ha- is this right? Am I doing this right?" That's probably a sign I am, 'cause not much is happening, and I'm not being efficient with my time. I'm just in kind of relationship-building mode.

    7. LR

      What I think about as you're talking about this, is the best people I've worked with, that are most effective at work, are the people that are really good at this, that you feel like really listen, really care, and just, like, aren't rushed. And so-

    8. BK

      Yeah

    9. LR

      ... I can totally see the power here.

    10. BK

      Yeah.

  5. 17:45 – 22:08

    Good Inside framework at work

    1. LR

      So one of the core principles you teach, the name of your book, and the name of your product, and community, and everything you built is Good Inside. I'm curious if you, if that's a useful lens in the work environment, too. You know, you teach, like, ev- kids are good inside, no matter what their behav- no, no matter their behavior. They may be having a hard time, but they're still good inside. Is that useful in work at all? Are people always still good inside? I imagine not always.

    2. BK

      I think it's a very useful framework, and, and I, I'll, I'll say why, but I wanna separate things that we often confuse. No part of me, if my kid is, when they were younger, hitting, would I be like, "My kid is good inside, so who cares that they hit?"... or this employee's good inside, so it doesn't matter that they're not getting their PRDs in on time, whatever it is. No. Uh, and I think that's actually the other thing that's core to Good Inside, is the idea of being good inside inherently requires us to separate behavior and identity. Most difficult times we have personally or interpersonally come because we've collapsed behavior and identity, and it's easy to do because we infer a lot from people's behavior for our own, right? So someone's late to work a lot, "Oh, that person's lazy," right? Seeing that person as good inside starts with this sentence: "This is a good person who is late," right? Or, "I have a good kid who's hitting." And, and I do this thing with my hands 'cause it actually helps my brain and body see the difference. One hand is identity, the other hand is behavior, and literally just separating them forces you to distinguish who someone is, good inside, from their behavior. And ironically, that's what allows you to effectively change and improve their behavior. Because we all know what it's like to feel defensive. Do you know why we're defensive? Because we think someone else, instead of talking about our behavior, is talking about our identity, and then we can't even talk about our behavior anymore and being late, because we feel like they're accusing us of being a bad person or being lazy or not caring about the other people in the meeting. Now, we can't even talk about the reason for my lateness because my whole identity feels wrapped up in it. So the quickest way to have an unproductive conversation is to lose sight of the fact that someone's good inside. If I'm talking about someone at work, let's say again, who's always late, here's like a, quote, "Good Inside infused conversation." I would start by saying, "First of all, I want to say we're on the same team." If that's the only thing people take from this, that is the most amazing way to have a more productive conversation with anyone. "I want to say we're on the same team. I know you're a good person. You probably don't need me to tell you that we need to start meetings on time. We both know that. It's also been happening consistently, which lets me know something is going on that I want to get to the bottom of with you, because we need you to be there at nine AM to start this important leadership meeting. So tell me what's been going on. Is there something at work that feels bad, that makes you not want to come in? Is there something going on at home? Is this, uh, I don't know, hard time managing your time? Whatever it is, let's get to the bottom of it together so we can figure it out." So that to me, is that lens, and it's honestly, Lenny, it's the same thing we do, [chuckles] I don't know, in like a good sports coach. I, I don't know someone, I don't know, who's a good even professional sports coach who's like: "You missed all the layups today. What's wrong with you? And here's what I'm taking away." It's like: "Well, you're a good player. Something's going on. Let's get in the gym tomorrow. Let's figure it out. I believe in you. I am putting you on the bench now because it's not really working out, but we're gonna get to the bottom of this together." That comes from seeing the good inside someone.

    3. LR

      I... Just hearing you say these things is always like, I could see exactly why this works. Uh, like so a takeaway here is just kind of start with ad- admitting to them and showing them you know they are smart, they know what is, what is the right thing to do, they just maybe aren't doing it.

    4. BK

      Yeah, and because now we can take that off the table.

    5. LR

      Mm.

    6. BK

      And if someone's thinking, "But I don't think that of the person," then, then we- then it's actually just a very different conversation, but we put that in a different category. But if you start talking about someone's behavior right away, and they think, which we all tend to think, "You're actually saying I'm not a smart person," you're not even talking about the behavior anymore. Now, their language seems like it's talking about the behavior, but all you're doing is you're having a debate you don't even realize you're having, which is whether they're a good, moral, worthy person. [chuckles] That's just, that's not an effective work conversation.

    7. LR

      So just kind of laying out, uh, that you know they are good, they are smart, they know the right thing to do, but here's something that isn't going the way that it should.

  6. 22:08 – 25:46

    The most generous interpretation (MGI)

    1. BK

      Yeah.

    2. LR

      This connects to something else that you teach, which is the, the MGI, uh, the most generous interpretation. Talk about that and how that might relate to work.

    3. BK

      Yeah. I've realized I have an allergy to ideas that don't have action. I, I've realized this actually at work, with, and just with psychology, too. So this whole idea, people are good inside, how can you separate behavior from identity as a framework to then go into a conversation? All of it just feels too theoretical for me. And so [chuckles] I like to think, like, what is one tool I can use to action on that idea? And it started, I think, through parenting. When I'd finish a day with my kids, I was going to bed, when my kids were younger, I was like: "Wow, that day was just disaster." And, and then I would hear myself start talking about my kid in a way where I always loved my kid, but, but I didn't realize till later, even through the language, I stopped liking my kid. I was just listening to your Peter Deng ex- episode, which was a lot about language, right, and how language then impacts thoughts. And I think a lot as a parent, but it's true as a leader, the story you tell yourself as a kid at night kind of becomes the parent you are the next morning. Probably same true, the story you tell yourself about your organization at night becomes the leader you are the next morning. And I realized I was using what I, what I later called this least generous interpretation. I was just... I think we all do that, like, naturally, at least I do. Like, I see my kid not listening and laughing if I'm trying to discipline, and my first thought is like, "I think my, I think my kid's a sociopath." Like, I don't know how I get there, my kid's two years old, but it happens so fast, okay? And I realized at night, the only way to shift this and get into a good inside mindset was just to say to myself, "What's the most generous interpretation of why I would say to my kid some version of, 'Stop jumping on the couch, it's dangerous, you're near the glass table,' and he'd look at me and jump doubly hard on the couch?" My least generous interpretation was that he's a sociopath. I already covered that one. My most generous interpretation, there's not one right answer. It might be, this is a kid who's really oriented around kind of wanting to feel in control, and when that feels threatened, he doubles down. He is zero percent people-pleasing, this third child of mine. My other... You know, zero. So the whole, "I'm disappointed with you," is just, [chuckles] just not gonna work with a kid like that....And when I started using an MGI, a couple things happened. Uh, and this is kinda, I realized, like, I liked my kid again, and I think we don't talk about that enough as parents, that that's the thing that keeps us up at night. It's not their behavior, it's that we, we slowly stop liking them based on how we're describing them. And then I realized we're on the same team, and then I came up with a whole different range of interventions because I used a most generous interpretation, right? I think the same thing is true at work, right? Someone, I don't know, is belaboring their point in a meeting when everyone else has gone on, and maybe the least generous interpretation, maybe it is what I was reacting to in your initial question is, "Oh, they're being a baby," or, "Everyone just is, like, vain." My most generous interpretation, I don't know, could be a variety of things. Did they not feel heard the first time? Still doesn't make them going on forever, you know, acceptable, but if that's true, I might say to them in private, "Hey, something happens in meetings where I wonder if you don't always feel heard, and then you keep talking, and then honestly, the rest of the room gets annoyed, which makes us tune you out more, which probably makes you belabor your point more. We're in a bad cycle. Can we work together on changing this?" And now all of a sudden, instead of everyone complaining about that person [chuckles] or whatever it is, and nothing changing, which is just horrible for culture and productivity, we have one conversation through an MGI lens, and things start,

  7. 25:46 – 27:07

    Curiosity over judgment

    1. BK

      you know, moving forward in a more productive way.

    2. LR

      It's interesting how much of this comes back to just kind of assuming they are smart and are trying to do their best job and are good inside, and, uh, and just... And this, and translating to, "Okay, here's like, in spite of that, here's something that is still going wrong. Let's try to figure out..." There's kind of this idea of curiosity over judgment, trying to figure out what's missing.

    3. BK

      And that, I mean, that's exactly it. Those are two things also that I think are in opposition, right? You, you, you inherently cannot be judgmental when you're curious, and when you're judgmental about something, you're inherently not curious about it. And I think it's assuming, you know, I, I say assume good inside or assume, you know, MGI. Other people say assume positive intent. Whatever language hits your heart, I think, is the language that's-- everyone's different. MGI makes sense for me, but if there's someone else that has a different phrase, they, someone should use that one. And then I think also assuming we-- this person would want to work through this with me. And, and I think, Lenny, that's one of the things that we also miss a ton in our kids. The kids who hit, no matter what they say, they really don't like feeling out of control. The kid who's lying to your face, they don't want to lie to your face. Like, they, they don't want to behave this way either, again, which doesn't make the behavior okay, but it makes us soften a tiny bit and realize we're on the same team, and I think actually we all want the same

  8. 27:07 – 31:08

    Understanding behavior change

    1. BK

      outcome.

    2. LR

      Wait, say more about that, 'cause that doesn't feel, [chuckles] as a parent-

    3. BK

      Boom

    4. LR

      ...that my kid doesn't want to, you know, when he's, like, uh-

    5. BK

      Yeah

    6. LR

      ...throwing a thing across the way or just, like, resisting going in the car. Uh, I wanna hear more about what, what's going on there.

    7. BK

      Yeah, I mean, first of all, I'll, I'll start with the baseline, right? That as a clinical psychologist, I was initially trained in this very reward, punishment, timeout, sticker chart mode. And, and to be honest, I, I loved it because I have a very healthy left brain, and our left brains love logic, and we love linearity. And as soon as you're a parent, you're like, "There's no linearity or logic, really," but our brain wants that to be a system. And it's kind of a system of punish the bad, and you have less of the bad, and reward the good. And, and no one really says, "Well, how are we raising a human?" Those are just behaviors, but our brain loves it, and that's what I started teaching to parents. I did in my private practice 'cause it felt, you know, it felt clean. But it was at complete odds with everything I knew was helping all the adults in my practice change their lives, and that's actually what gave me insight into starting Good Inside. It's like, there's no way that what helps a thirty-five-year-old rewire their brain and change for the better is that theoretical opposition with what a two-year-old and five-year-old needs to become resilient and confident. That just doesn't make sense. And I think we have these ideas about kids. Even, you know, something I hear a lot: "You're making a bad choice" to kids. "You make-- That's a-- You're a good person, but you're making a bad choice." This is not about forgiving bad behavior. I'm pretty firm about that, but I just don't believe a four-year-old who's throwing is like, "Hold on, should I throw this at my sister? Should I or should I not? I will choose..." As ma-- I mean, think about us when we act out. I don't think most of us are in a decision-making place. We escalate, and here's one of the big insights, besides people are good inside, that helped me form all of my other approaches, is kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage feelings. Bad behavior at any age [chuckles] can basically be reduced to feelings that overpower skills. And yes, behavior is a problem, but behavior isn't the core problem. It's a manifestation of the problem. The actual problem is someone doesn't have the skill they need to manage something happening internally, and if they had that skill and could access it, the behavior would change. But that would be kind of the outcome, not the place of actual intervention. And so when a kid hits, they look... Also, and kids will say things like, "I don't care what you say." They're out of control. Maybe they're in a situation where, I don't know, they could be tired, but also they're angry that a sibling has a toy, and they don't have skills to manage anger. They're jealous that someone is playing with something, and they can't manage the jealousy. And when you look at bad behavior through the lens of feelings that overpower skills, you start to think like a coach. Like, it always has struck me with kids that we don't punish them into learning how to swim, which, which I know sounds funny, but if you paid for swim lessons, and the person said, "You know what? I'm just not gonna put up with this. Um, this is inappropriate behavior. By the way, your kid has to learn to swim if they're gonna function in life, so send them to their room and tell them to come back when they learn how to swim," i-i-it's, it's absurd. It's, it's obviously laughable.... I, I think swimming's very important, but an even more important life skill is learning how to manage your emotions. It is. And nobody learns new skills by being sent to their room. Nobody learns new skills by adding shame. All that does is increase the gap between feelings and skills. It's just totally counterproductive. The answer is we have to set boundaries. We have to be the people setting boundaries around out-of-control behavior, but then we actually have to teach our kids the skills they were missing, which levels up the skills, and that's how not only you change behavior short-term, but you actually change behavior massively long-term.

  9. 31:08 – 34:40

    What potty training can teach us about workplace behavior

    1. LR

      I'm actually in the middle of starting potty training with our kid, and the- I'm taking this little online course, and they call it potty learning, not potty training, for exactly that reason. You're not training them to do a thing, you're just... They don't know how to do it, so you just teach them, like you're teaching them-

    2. BK

      Yeah

    3. LR

      ... the alphabet. Just teach them all little steps and what they need to learn.

    4. BK

      You're not doing our potty learning course? Then I'm gonna talk to you after.

    5. LR

      Oh, I didn't know you had one! [chuckles] Okay, I'm switching.

    6. BK

      Our marketing message isn't getting out there.

    7. LR

      I'm switching immediately. [chuckles] Well, how do people find it? Goodinside.com.

    8. BK

      It's actually, uh, it's actually one of the things I feel very strongly about putting out for free, because-

    9. LR

      Mm, mm

    10. BK

      ... I think po- potty, potty stuff is, like, one of the early lessons around body autonomy and skills, and the quickest way we kind of mess it up as parents is kind of trying to take over the process. Um, and it can be so stressful, and I, I actually, I told my team one day, I go, "I just think there should be a service." Like, so if you google Good Inside potty, like, you can have it for zero dollars.

    11. LR

      Oh, it's actually free already?

    12. BK

      Yes, it's free.

    13. LR

      I'm switching immediately.

    14. BK

      Yes.

    15. LR

      Is, is there a corer- corollary to, uh, adult work environments in potty learning? [chuckles]

    16. BK

      Yeah.

    17. LR

      Oh-

    18. BK

      There is

    19. LR

      ... I can tell.

    20. BK

      There always is. Well, okay, so let's think about what the potty stuff is about for kids. When our kids are younger, they control two things in their entire life: what goes into their body and what comes out of their body. That's all. Now, obviously, hopefully, we let them pick their clothes here and there, but, like, thematically... By the way, and they shouldn't be in charge of a ton more categories, because there are two, right? But it's why those two areas can become so heated for families, because we get so stressed. And when kids, especially if you don't have a people pleaser, okay, when kids even smell, "My parent is stepping into one of the only two domains that are mine," holy moly, will they do nutty things, like, to, to push you back, right? And so what's the general lesson, the human lesson is: What is it like for someone to have not that many areas of life that they're in control of? Number one, just think about that. Think about the first 10 minutes of your kid's day. We wake them up. We tell them what the weather is. We tell them, "No, you can't wear that." We tell them what's for breakfast. We, you know, tell them their shirt's on the wrong way. It, it just... If my husband woke me up that way, I would be in a bad mood the rest of the day, okay? And I'd probably be looking for a million different areas to just grasp control of as a way of screaming to the world, like, "I am my own person!" Right? And so if we think about that in the workplace, well, first of all, temperamentally, there are a subset of people, I call these the resilient rebels. They present as, like, strong-willed, defiant kids, whose... I think we all walk around with a core fear that we end up acting out. Their core fear is the loss of control. They are very, very attuned to people kind of stepping into their domain, and if they smell it, they resist. Well, we have those as adults, too. They could be- it's tricky to collaborate with them, and again, we need to have an expectation. But we might see that as, "Why do I ask someone to switch a meeting time?" [chuckles] And, and it feels like I, I took a knife to their heart the way they react, right? Well, that theme might be coming up, and maybe we can go one level deeper and say, "Is this someone who, in general..." I'm making this up, but, oh, someone got promoted before they did on their team. They just had a change in manager. Um, they just had their vacation denied. Whatever it was, oh, like, is that actually what we're talking about? And it's manifesting as this difficulty changing meeting time, but actually, there's other themes

  10. 34:40 – 35:41

    Naming your intention

    1. BK

      of control and independence at play.

    2. LR

      Is maybe a lesson here is clarifying, "Here's what you own on this team, on this project. Here's things that you're gonna drive. Here's where I'm gonna be really involved." Is that a, is that maybe a takeaway?

    3. BK

      I think that is definitely a takeaway. I also just love, like, naming your intention. That's always really helpful. "Hey, you know, I wanna look over this project together, because I wanna get ahead of some things, and I think that's actually gonna help you do the most independent work. That's why I wanna go through it in such detail." Like, when you name the intention very, very clearly for someone, they're much more likely to interpret your behavior through the intention you just named, because your intention isn't to control them or make them feel small. But if that's also something they have a predilection for, it's even more important for those people to do the naming of the intention up front.

    4. LR

      And there's also just the whole micromanaging, I don't know, element to this. So this is why people, in part, hate micromanagement, like, "Uh, I wanna be, I wanna be in control of something. Why... Get out of this."

    5. BK

      Yeah, which is a dance, you know? Exactly.

  11. 35:41 – 40:52

    Sturdy leadership

    1. LR

      Yeah.

    2. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    3. LR

      Okay, something else that you teach that, uh, I find really helpful is this idea of sturdy, becoming a sturdy parent, be- learning to be sturdy. That feels very, uh, related to being, a, a good leader, just, like, learning how to deal with resis- challenges. Talk about that from the ki- kid's context, and then how it might be useful in work.

    4. BK

      Yeah, I think that's the essence of what Good Inside does. Like, we help parents become sturdy leaders, so they can raise sturdy, confident kids. And, and when I started this, I'd use that word a lot, and people would say to me, "I've never heard anyone use that word. I know what it means." But I think about language, too, and I like language that helps me conjure up an image or a feeling. It takes it out of my brain, and I, I think the word sturdy-

    5. LR

      Mm

    6. BK

      ... if you picture someone in your life, even if you haven't thought about them, like, "Who's a sturdy person I know?" Like, I bet you can kind of locate them, you see them, and, and there's a feeling you have around them. And I think the best leaders we have are, are sturdy. And so I'll, I'll start about with- start it with a metaphor, 'cause I actually think that brings it to life, and I think this is as true in parenting-... and in, you know, the workplace. So picture being a passenger on, on a flight. It's really turbulent, and you start screaming, and everyone starts screaming, okay? So everyone's panicked in the flight, and then you hear the announcement from the pilot, and I think there's three types of announcements you can have. The third one's gonna be the sturdy one, the first two, not as much. So the first one is some version of, "What are you freaking out about? Stop screaming! You're, you're making this flight awful for everyone, and you're distracting me, and stop making a big deal out of nothing." And that's kind of when we say those words to a kid: "Stop freaking out. You're ruining this for everyone," right? But the truth is, if you think about yourself on a flight, and the pilot [chuckles] says that, you don't feel calmer. Number one, you're worried they don't notice the turbulence. Number two, you're a little disturbed that it just takes your screaming to make the pilot, like, kinda lose it at you, right? And that actually makes you feel less safe, right? And so that's like in a meeting where people, I don't know, voice something that doesn't feel good, and the leader essentially is like, "Stop complaining!" You know? Um, that's not sturdy. The second version is often not st- also not sturdy, and I think we've a little bit, at least in parenting, overcorrected to this, which is the pilot saying, like, "I hear you screaming. You know what? I'm opening the cockpit door. Does anyone wanna fly the plane? Because your screaming is making me anxious, and I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe one of you wanna do it." I think that's a massive overcorrection I've seen in parenting, and I just wanna make it very clear that is not what we do at Good Inside, which is kind of, "My kid is upset, and instead of just caring about their feelings, now their feelings dictate my decisions." That's terrifying for someone on a flight. If that's me, I'm not even scared of the turbulence anymore. I'm scared that this person is my supposed leader, right? That's also in a meeting when you complain about things, and, you know, a leader might say, "Oh, okay, you know what? Okay, we- we'll just get consensus on this," when it's a decision, that's a leadership decision, not a consensus decision, which some decisions are, but some decisions aren't because you are the only one who has certain information. Now, to me is the third announcement that I wanna hear when it's really turbulent is something like this: "I hear everyone screaming back there. That makes sense. And you haven't been on as many flights. You're right, it's very bumpy, and I know what I'm doing. This turbulence, though it scares you, it doesn't scare me. I'm actually gonna get off this loudspeaker right now to go back to do my job. I'll see you when we land in Los Angeles." Now, even if the turbulence is the same, all of a sudden, I feel this deep breath because my worry is contained. This sturdy leader is able to see my emotional experience as real for me and not be overwhelmed by it themself. Those are the two distinct aspects of being a sturdy leader. I can see someone else's experience as real for them, but I can still hold on to my experience, and so I'm not overwhelmed by someone else. So to a kid, it might be saying, "Look," let's say, "TV time is over," okay? And my kid does not reward... In my house, when I say TV time is over, I'm turning off the TV. When my kids were younger, they didn't say, "You're right, Mom, that's a great decision." No. Okay? [chuckles] They freaked out 'cause they wanted to watch another one. So a sturdy leader would say in that position, "I'm turning the TV off. That's my decision. I get that you're upset. I don't really like to end TV time either. I also know we'll get through it. Do your thing, and then we'll transition to brushing teeth," and then I kind of wait it out, right? Or in the workplace, someone's complaining about, I don't know, making this up, but maybe it's some policy change, vacation ta- change, number of days, you know, in the office, where you say: "Look, I'm gonna make it-- I wanna share something that I know some people are gonna have a reaction to. Here's the new policy." People stop chirping, complaining. "Look, I get it. This is a big change, and you're right. This does make things hard in a certain way, and I totally see that, and the way you're feeling makes sense. And here's some version of why we're doing it, and I know we're gonna get through it, and I have faith in us to weather this turbulence," right? And I think in every situation, kids, you know, workplace, in-laws, whatever it is, th- that sturdy leadership, th-

  12. 40:52 – 46:33

    How to set boundaries well

    1. BK

      you know, always, always feels good.

    2. LR

      This is a really good segue to something I definitely wanted to ask you about, which is this idea of boundaries, of how to set boundaries well and how that relates to long-term resilience versus just kinda this idea of short-term happiness. I was just yesterday watching your advice on how to set boundaries with my kid 'cause I, I struggle with it sometimes, and I'm just like: What am I doing wrong? And it was extremely helpful. I started using your advice, and I'm like: Wow, he's doing exactly what I want him to do. [chuckles] So there's a lot of power here. So talk about just from the- your advice to parents around boundaries and this idea of long-term resilience and then how that might translate.

    3. BK

      Yeah, a- and so I think related to being a sturdy leader, to make it more concrete, there's two jobs we have as a parent, and I think they're the same two jobs we have as any sturdy leader in any environment, and that's setting boundaries, which are limits we set, certain decisions we make. Boundaries often relate to your position of authority, where you have some long-term goal in mind that someone else in the system just isn't as aware of, or a two-year-old isn't as capable of holding on to, which is why you're in the position of making a decision. So that's the boundaries, and the other side is validating kids' or someone else's experience while not being taken over by it. And I think we've moved so far in this direction of validating kids' experience, and I'll go on record [chuckles] in saying validating kids' feelings is an incomplete parenting approach. A- that is, that is half of our job, but it doesn't work if we're not doing the other half, which is setting boundaries, which is the skill I feel best about teaching people 'cause I think it's what we're often lacking. So my definition of boundaries, I, I do like 'cause it's immediately usable and testable. Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing. Too often I hear people say, "My kid doesn't respect my boundaries. My colleague doesn't respect my boundaries," and with all due respect, I often think, "I, I think you have an incorrect [chuckles] definition of boundaries. A- I think you're probably making a request," which, by the way-... we do a lot. There's nothing wrong with requests, but it's not a boundary. Because if you're setting what you call a boundary, and you're really making a request, you're giving all of your power away to the other person. Because you're saying, "The success of this important moment depends on my two-year-old? What? I- I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna give my power to my two-year-old." And I always tell parents, "I would bet on you any day over your kid, and it's not 'cause I don't like your kid. I do like your kid. I just believe in you more." And so a good example of this, let's say, is I have a kid, like I was describing before, who's not a people pleaser. And so I live in New York City. We live in a building with a lot of elevator buttons, where this kid, when he was younger, if he was left to his own devices, which had happened, he would press every elevator button. Every one, okay? And with my other kids, one of them especially, I probably would've been able to make a request like, "Hey, when we go in the elevator later, it's really important not to press all the buttons. Other people wait for this elevator. It's rude," whatever it is. That's not a boundary, because I could say, did I tell my kid what I will do? No. Does it require my kid to do nothing? No. Okay? A boundary would be saying, "When we go into the elevator, I'm gonna stand between you and the buttons, sweetie, because I'm not gonna let you press the buttons, 'cause other people are waiting." And if you have a kid like my kid, they're gonna lunge for it anyway. And then I would block my kid, because I'm ready, and I've done a workout. My muscles are ready. I'm not gonna let you do that. Now, my kid might get upset, which allows me to do the other part of my job, is, "Ugh, I know you wish you could press those buttons," or maybe just look kindly toward him and not say anything, but I'm gonna still hold my boundary. And in this example, I think one of the places we get into trouble as a parent is we say, "Don't press the buttons. If you press the buttons, no dessert tonight," or whatever. We, like, threaten, but all of that is a way of completely undermining our authority, because I'm giving all of my power to my kid. I'm letting myself get frustrated. Now I'm taking away dessert, and the honest truth, if we wanna be honest about it, is that night I'm gonna give my kid sorbet anyway and then make up something how sorbet isn't dessert because it has fruit, all because I just [chuckles] didn't set a boundary in the first place. And I think over and over in parenting, maybe at work, too, we're asking our kid to do our job for us because we just don't wanna deal with the emotional fallout. But that's what I, I call job confusion, and makes, makes everyone frustrated.

    4. LR

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  13. 46:33 – 50:50

    The role of leadership and consensus

    1. LR

      Rules and restrictions may apply. Let me actually ask you a parenting question [chuckles] while we're on this topic-

    2. BK

      Great

    3. LR

      ... 'cause I'm trying to learn-

    4. BK

      Let's do it

    5. LR

      ... this boundaries thing better. Uh, [chuckles] so is it, is it, h- what's the correct way to, if they're not going to the car, and I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna carry you to the car if you don't do this," I'm still requesting them, like, to go there. Is there another... Is there a way to phrase that where they don't need to do anything?

    6. BK

      Well, uh, so if boundaries are something I will do, and they require my kid to do nothing-

    7. LR

      Yeah

    8. BK

      ... yeah, we wanna try, "Look, we have to get in the car," and whatever I try. I try a game. I try a song. And then again, the p- the intention matters. The reason I'm gonna carry my kid to the car is actually I don't wanna let myself then be late and then yell at my kid and be frustrated.

    9. LR

      Right.

    10. BK

      Right? Like, I'm doing it because I like my kid, and, and I'm on the same team as them. So then I might say, "Look, it looks like it's hard for you to get to the car. I don't really wanna do this, but I don't know. I'm gonna turn around and take a deep breath, and if by the time I turn around you're still here, I'm gonna pick you up. I'm gonna carry you to the car, and even if you're crying and sc- kicking and screaming, I'm still gonna do that, sweetie. I know sometimes it's hard to leave the house. We do have to leave." Here comes my deep breath. Now, what's really important, and I don't wanna understate, is I think somewhere in us we think, "I'm gonna do that, and then I'm gonna be rewarded by my kid for my good parenting. Like, I'm gonna turn around, and they're gonna be like, 'I'm ready now, Dad.'"

    11. LR

      [chuckles]

    12. BK

      Like, that might happen in some households, but it actually won't reliably happen until you've actually set boundaries over and over, where i- it's not about taking advantage of you. They're just trying to learn the rules of the game, right? And so then I would pick up my kid, and by the way, depending on your kid's temperament, two out of the three of my kids would scream and cry. And then we tell ourselves, "Oh, I'm not a good parent. I messed that up." No! Again, [scoffs] like, a pilot is gonna make a decision in certain key moments not based on consensus. Like, let's say I'm flying to LA, and it's really turbulent, and the pilot says they have to make an emergency landing, and everyone's complaining, and they're like, "What? It can't be that big of a deal. I don't know if that's a light. I have a big meeting in LA." Can you imagine if the pilot was like, "Oh, Becky and Lenny are really upset about this. You know what, guys? Forget it. Forget it! Forget the emergency landing." What? Even if we were upset, we feel deeply, deeply safe that our leader-... is doing something they believe is right with the information they have available. So even if I'm complaining when I get off the plane in Kansas, wherever I'm landing midway, I also, in the back of my head, are- I'm so grateful. And so I just want parents to know, when you set a true boundary, especially if it's new, your kid will tantrum and protest. But if you actually see that as a sign that you're successfully setting a boundary, instead of as a sign you did something wrong, your relationship with the tantrum changes. You're almost oddly, sickly grateful for a sign that you set a boundary. And you're like, "Oh! This is actually..." I always say to myself, "This is going according to plan." And it makes the moment so much easier.

    13. LR

      This advice you give about being the leader is really important, and I could see how it connects deeply, too, i- in the work environment. I'm curious just if there's more advice there. So the idea here that I've been hearing is just, like, people want you to be their leader, both as a kid and in the work environment. They don't want you to be like, "Okay, what does everyone think? Let's vote." Talk about just the insight there.

    14. BK

      Yeah. First of all, I think, like a lot of things, two things are true. There's definitely a time for consensus. There's a time for getting- a, uh, 100%, that's a really important part of leadership, too. But inherently, you're in a position of leadership because you have experience other people don't have, you have insight, you have judgment. You might, like, just very literally have access to company information and data that other people don't have, that... Right? And so you're not all working w- you know, from the same set of information. And so there's definitely a time for consensus building, but a- at least in parenting, I think we've overcorrected. You know, I would need to collect more data [chuckles] from the working world if we've overcorrected. That I think it feels really good for people to hear some version of, "I took in everything you said. Your voices matter, and I wanna share a decision I've made with all the information I have. It might not make sense to all of you at the time. You can come talk to me separately,

  14. 50:50 – 52:40

    The importance of being “locatable”

    1. BK

      and I have conviction that this is the next thing we're gonna experiment with," whatever the decision is. You know, I, I said this word earlier, and it's always a word I [chuckles] ... It's another word I say that maybe other people don't say. I'm always drawn to people I can locate. Uh, that's the word. I just, again, it like, I can locate you. I know what you feel. I know your POV. I personally love people I can locate, even if I really disagree with them, more than being around people who seem to s- mirror what I'm saying. I've actually learned a lot in a working environment. That's what I need, 'cause I have a lot of strong ideas, so I love people who push back and have a POV. And I think, especially at work, when there's so much going on, right, it can be so stressful. Having a leader you can locate, which means I have a POV, to be able to say, "This might not be what you want. I believe this is the best decision, and I believe we're a strong enough team to work toward that," I, I, I think that's very, very holding. Not all the time, but in more situations than we might realize.

    2. LR

      So the advice here is, even if it may not feel like your kid wants you to just tell them what to do, or your team, it wants to have opinions and, and kind of have a big say, in reality, the, the human brain seeks somebody to lead them.

    3. BK

      I think that's exactly right, you know? A- and I think we can all think back on our life, and again, you rarely say thank you to these people. But if you think back on, like, really hard moments or, I don't know, if I was out of control at some, like, party, [chuckles] you know? And I don't know, I was, like, being mean to people, I was, like, saying awful things. Who knows, maybe someone's, like, drunk. An act of love in that moment would be, at least if it was me and my husband, picking me up and carrying me out. Kind of like, "I'm not gonna let you self-destruct." And if I was like, "No, I'm fine," I might even look back later and think, like, "Why, pff, why did you let me make that

  15. 52:40 – 57:12

    A powerful story of betrayal and realization

    1. BK

      decision?" Uh, like, I'll share a story, 'cause i- some of this comes from it. I think about this teenager I was working with in private practice, and she came to me, and I'm just doing a first session. "Hi, tell me what's bringing you here?" She's like, "Well, you can see on my arms, I'm cutting." I was like: "Okay, keep going." And I was like: "Well, how long have you been doing that?" She goes, "Two years." And I said, "You just said I'm the first therapist you've ever seen, so what's gone on in the last two years?" She was so snarky. Um, and she goes, "Oh, well, my parents tried me to-- send me to a therapist two years ago, but I said to them, 'Oh, so you think I'm the messed up one in the family, and you can send me, and we're just gonna lie the whole time and waste your money.'" My heart always races when I think about this moment. It's so visceral still. And something in me, I don't know, I was on my game that day, was like, "Becky, just be quiet. Don't say anything." And I don't know, ten, 15 seconds later, everything changed for her. [scoffs] She looked down, and, and then she looked up. [scoffs] And she just goes, "Can you believe they let me make that decision?" She felt so betrayed and so not taken care of, and, and it just made me realize, at our worst moments... First of all, at our worst moments, we speak, I think, our fears, not our wishes, number one. [chuckles] And at our worst moments, we're not in a good place to make good decisions for ourselves. [chuckles] And we don't wanna be punished, but sometimes it is an act of love, and I tell this to people very explicitly when they're like, "I know my teenager needs to go to therapy, but they're refusing," and I'll give them an exact script. "Here's what you're gonna say," and, you know, it's some version of, "Look, I am going to drive you every Thursday to therapy. Whatever you do in the room, whether you lie, whether you're silent, that's not on me. But my number one job is making decisions that I think are good for you, even if you're not happy. That's how much I care about you, and this is one of those times." [chuckles] Like, every parent who told me they've done that, it's like their kid's like... On some level, they're like, "I needed that." And I think the equivalent in the workplace is there are moments when things are really turbulent, when people are, you know, they're, they're saying different things 'cause they're anxious, and, and they're looking for a leader to kind of say, "Hey-... I've heard this all. Here's what I'm doing. You might even say, "I'm not gonna lie to you. Do I have complete conviction that this is right? No, but I've put it all together, and this is what we're going with, and I feel good about this direction. We'll reassess in a month. Let's go do this, team." And I think everyone is kind of waiting in certain moments, you know, for someone to show up that way.

    2. LR

      That was an awesome story. It makes me think about just people will get away- they, they will take what they can get, and they'll be wondering, like: "Hey, wow, I'm getting away with all this. Now, when will they realize that," like someone working at a company where they're not working that hard, "I'll just get away with as long as I can, until they tell me that I can't."

    3. BK

      Yeah, and, you know, I, I just saw this show on Broadway, uh, uh, called Punch. I don't know if you're-

    4. LR

      Mm.

    5. BK

      I- I- it-

    6. LR

      Mm

    7. BK

      ... it's this really interesting story about this guy, true story, okay, that it's based on, where essentially he ended up punching someone at a bar. The guy falls and dies, but he ends up getting to know that person's parents after incarceration. And one of the things that comes up, okay, because I think we tell ourselves, like, "They'll take... People will take advantage. They'll take all the space you give them," I do tend to think about it in a more of an MGI way, where what happened in this show is these parents... I mean, this guy killed their son, and the question they come to him with, 'cause they end up meeting, is: "Well, like, tell us what you're gonna do with your life here. What are you gonna do with your life now?" And he ends up saying, like: "Nobody had ever asked me that question. Like, nobody had believed in me. Nobody had ever believed I could do anything useful." It changed the course of his life. I mean, it's a crazy story. But I think about at work, when someone, yeah, like, whatever it is we think they're getting away with, or kids, sometimes I think kids are asking, like: "Is there an adult here? I- is there an adult here who will help me, who sees that this is my form of acting out and being out of control, and will somebody help me?" And you know why kids act out more? It's not because they're taking advantage of you. It's 'cause they feel that much more dysregulated because they don't feel like there's an adult in the room who's willing to put a container on their, like, shell-less egg to help them come back together and move forward in a better direction.

    8. LR

      I think about just people that don't have parents that are there and always seek, like, someone in as their partner that's more, I don't know, that gives them that-

    9. BK

      Yeah

    10. LR

      ... later.

  16. 57:12 – 1:00:34

    Building resilience over happiness

    1. LR

      This connects really well with this idea of building resilience long term versus short term, and I think about in the work environment, just, like, doing the hard thing, you will be better off, versus just, like, letting things progress in the... 'Cause it's hard for them to do. You think people will not want to hear bad news. Talk about just that kind of lesson and how that might translate.

    2. BK

      I mean, one of the chapters I know in my book and kind of something that guides our whole parenting philosophy is, like, you know, just codified as resilience over happiness. And I don't know if you hear this, Lenny, but I used to hear this all the time, and I, I couldn't let myself let this, like, small talk moment go. Like: "Don't you just want your kid to be happy? You just want your kid to be happy, right?" And I'd always, like, ruin a perfectly, you know, harmless comment, you know? And I was like: "No." And, and then again, we think in extremes. "Oh, you want your kid to be unhappy?" No, I definitely don't want my kid to be unhappy. But I think if we zoom out, especially in childhood, but I think I can make a parallel to work, too, optimizing for happiness in childhood is the quickest way to build anxiety and fragility in adulthood. Hard stop. Because in a kid's early years, what they're really learning is, what range of experiences am I able to cope with? In how many different situations can I find my capability? Can I feel like I can get something done? Can I get through something, or do I believe that the only way to feel like myself is to bring every form of discomfort to a zero and only find happiness? The irony is, in adulthood, the thing that clouds out happiness often is our inability to manage disappointment, jealousy, right? Those things will always overpower happiness, and so happiness actually comes, in adulthood, from our ability to manage the widest range of s- difficult situations. That's what resilience is. It's our ability to handle the widest range of experiences. I'm not talking about toxic, okay? But just disappointment, jealousy, anger, feeling less than. These are just human experiences we have, and unintentionally, something's happened over the generations where we're optimizing for kids' happiness, right? Our kids will say something like, "I'm the only one in my class who can't read," and we hop in with, "Oh, that's not true," or, "But you're so good at soccer, but you play chess, but you're doing this," as if I can't even tolerate my kid's upset feelings. And I tell parents all the time, our kids can only learn to tolerate the feelings we tolerate in them. Nothing's scarier to a kid that when they're upset, if I can't tolerate their upset feelings, that makes them doubly upset, 'cause it's like, "Oh, I guess this is unmanageable," which leads to adulthood, where anything but comfortable and happy and doing a perfect job is actually experienced in your body as even worse, because you spent that many years thinking those feelings were wrong. So what that means is, when our kids are young, and they go through hard experiences, those are our best opportunities to wire them for resilience and, ironically, for happiness later on, right? Because if I can support my kid, I'm not gonna say, "Ugh, no big deal," but there's a lot between no big deal and let me call the school to make this all better for you. There's a whole world. That's the world I think we try to live in in Good Inside, where I can help my kids see they're capable of dealing with this. That's gonna help them so much more

  17. 1:00:34 – 1:09:08

    The power of the phrase “I believe you, and I believe in you.”

    1. BK

      over the years.

    2. LR

      How do you think that translates to work? Uh, the way I think about it is just like, it's okay to upset people. You're better off... I think about, um, I think it was Kim Scott from Radical Candor had this great story where she had someone she was working with, he was doing a bad job. She didn't want to upset him. She didn't say any, give him any feedback. Nine months later, it just didn't get any better, so she had to fire him. And he's like: "Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't doing what you wanted me to do? Like, you could've told me somewhere along the way."... and to us, it feels like, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna hurt your feelings," but then it ends up hurting their feelings a lot worse, and, well, it's a lot worse for them.

    3. BK

      I think there's so many parallels. So the reason-- one of the reasons I love talking about childhood is 'cause that's when our brain is wiring. It's kind of when we form the blueprint, or my friend Miley calls it the factory settings, for the rest of our kids' lives, right? That's like the ultimate, you know, is to wire them with the default that works for them. But actually, you can think about work relationships the same way, where, of course, people come, their brain's already wired, they're older or, you know, somewhat. But if you think about it as a building, like, your first number of months with someone is you're building the foundation for the whole building, which is the relationship you're gonna have. And the earlier you're just optimizing for comfort and happiness, the more fragile your building's going to be. And you're right, then you get to six months, and you're like: "Oh, this person isn't doing so well. I'm gonna give them feedback." But in their mind, they're thinking: "I've never gotten a piece of, you know, constructively critical feedback since I've been here, so I thought the nature of my relationship in this workplace was one of butterflies and rainbows all the time." So that doesn't mean day one, I think you should [chuckles] sit someone down and say like: "Here's everything you're doing wrong." They're like, "I just started my job." There's obviously reasonableness. But yes, when we're thinking about a resilient work culture, we want people who can say, "This is hard, and I can do hard things," not, "This is hard, so someone must be at fault, and it should be easier." A- a- and I don't know anyone who'd argue for the second culture. So I think we should ask ourselves: Well, what am I doing in the nature of my conversations with people that, that help me build toward that? And I'll make it really concrete because I think so much of dealing with anxiety and struggle, not all of it, but, but I like a good formula, is this combination of I believe you, and I believe in you. I, I think one of the ways we've majorly misunderstood anxiety, whether at any age, is we've doing the I believe you part, but we've forgotten the I believe in you part, and they're both, again, really necessary together, which might sound like this: "Look, I believe you. This is a hard project. It-- you're totally right, and you've never done something like this before. It makes sense." That's such a good phrase. "It makes sense you're nervous about it," right? Or something I say to my kids that I should say more at work: "I'd be nervous if you weren't nervous. You have a big test. I'd be nervous if you weren't nervous. Of course, you're nervous. That makes total sense. I'd feel the same way. And the reason we think you can take on this project is 'cause we know you can figure this out. By the way, I'm here to answer questions and help you along the way, but I just wanna make sure you hear that from me. Yes, this is hard, and I also know you can work through this, and the way you're gonna feel at the end, you're gonna feel so proud of yourself. And I don't wanna take away the project from you, 'cause I, I kinda think I'm taking away that feeling, and that's gonna be the feeling that propels you to do all the other amazing things you wanna do here, and let's work toward that." A- and that, that's actually, Lenny, something I used to say to my kids when they were your kids' age. Like, I just distinctly remember this time, one of my kids was whining about this puzzle, and he's like, "Do it for me. Finish it for me! You have to do it," right? And, of course, the easiest thing to shut down the tantrum is like: "Fine, here's how you do it." But it was a day I had a little more bandwidth, and I heard myself saying something that, uh, I don't know, it felt like healing to me, too. [chuckles] Honestly, I said, "Look, you're right. This is a hard puzzle. It makes sense you're frustrated. All of us feel frustrated when we want to do something and haven't figured it out yet. You're feeling this moment right. Take a break, take a breath, but I wanna tell you why I'm not gonna do this for you. There's no better feeling in the world than watching yourself work on something and make progress on something, and maybe even complete something that you originally didn't think you could do. Like, there's literally no better feeling than that, and I will not take that feeling away from you." And I think in the workplace, and definitely in parenting, we should be mindful of how often we take feelings of capability away from our kid. And I take that very seriously because I feel very passionate about building a world where kids become adults who feel capable, [chuckles] and I think we can do that in these small moments more often.

    4. LR

      As you share these stories and examples, I'm just like, I wish I had Dr. Becky in my ear constantly giving me advice as I'm doing this stuff, and we'll talk about how people sort of can get that. Uh, but I'm actually really happy you talked about this I believe you lesson. I was gonna bring it up. That was right next on my notes because I've used it with my, uh, wife, actually, and it is so good and so effective, and this is why I love your advice, is that it works not just for kids, it works for adults. Just like: I believe you. I believe you really feel this, even though I don't know why, and I, I wouldn't feel that way, but just, I believe you. Uh, I like this, "this makes sense" piece. I haven't thought about that. And then the I believe in you, that's interesting 'cause I did talk about like... like, the way I remember phrasing this, this is like a, a moment I really remember, just like: "You're smart. You'll figure this out." And then she just went back to me, and she's like: "Wait, how did you-- what did you just do there?" [chuckles] I felt really good.

    5. BK

      Well, if you think about it, and I'm, I'm very visual, so if you think about someone struggling, picture them in, like, a hole. Not like an abyss, just like a, a little hole, okay? And we're a relational species. Like, at least we'll see what happens with AI, but for now, we're a relational species, okay? And so when we're really struggling, inherently, the reason why we're struggling is we're in a hole, and we can't see the way out of it. If we were in a hole and could see the way out, we wouldn't struggle. So the only reason something feels so hard is 'cause you're kind of in a hole without visibility. So what do you need as a relational species? You need someone you trust to have one foot in the hole with you. You do. That's the bel-- I believe you part. So it might be saying to your kid, and those words are so powerful. I think deep down, Lenny, that's literally what we're all looking for as humans, is just [chuckles] to be believed. "I believe you. You really don't wanna go to soccer practice. You're no longer starting on the team. The first soccer practice after you lose your starting spot sucks. Totally sucks. I believe you."... but if you think about them in that hole, they need you to have one foot out of the hole. They need one foot in, but they need one foot out, because if we can't see a more capable version of our kid than they can access in that moment, we've collapsed into the hole with them, right? And so the I believe you is, I believe in you, would be, "Look, you're gonna go to practice today. You are. I, I want to just be honest, it's not gonna be fun. You're not gonna wanna be there the whole time. You're gonna feel embarrassed. You're gonna hate watching them run plays with you on the sideline, and you're gonna come home having survived. I'm gonna be there for a hug. I'm gonna let you know I'm proud of you. Maybe I'm proudest of you that moment, even more than when you scored the goal last game, 'cause that's the hard stuff that's gonna help you in life, and we're gonna get through it together." And so I think for anyone listening, what's really powerful-- I find what's really powerful with anything is thinking, "What end of the spectrum am I on?" 'Cause it always gives me insight into where I can grow. Is the I believe you part easier for me, or is the I believe in you part easier for me? And there's no morality, just knowing where you are is helpful. Do I like to say to people, "Come on, it's no big deal. You can do it"? Okay, that's the I believe in you. Ooh, I wonder if I'd be more effective if I focus on the first I believe you. Or do I lead as a parent, as a leader, with a I believe you, but, ooh, do I, do I sometimes, like, go into the hole with someone? [chuckles] Uh, oh, okay, it's the other part I'm gonna play around with. A- and I think that, that gives us all something to action on.

    6. LR

      This is such good advice. I, I got tingles as you were describing [chuckles] what you were telling your kid. Uh, so if there's anything you take away from this conversation, this is useful with kids, with partners, with, I think in work, too, just this idea of I believe you, and that makes sense, and then somehow t- making it clear that I believe in you.

    7. BK

      Yes. See a more capable version of them than they can see in the moment. Doing those two things at once is like, it's magic. I talk a good game. It's hard for me, too. Again, like, these things are hard to practice, but at least, and I know you're like this, too, it's helpful to have a framework to come back to.

    8. LR

      Just these words are so, so... And you don't have to say them exactly, but these specific ways of phrasing is actually really great.

  18. 1:09:08 – 1:16:22

    The Good Inside community and resources

    1. LR

      Okay, let's come back to how people can get your advice constantly. Uh, so a lot of people see your advice on TikTok and Instagram, and just kind of on Twitter and all these places, just like, "Oh, there's Dr. Becky giving me some awesome advice." Not a lot of people know you have a, a epic business and product and community. Talk about that, just what you've built there, what it is, what people should know.

    2. BK

      So what started as an-- uh, you know, I put up my first Instagram post on, I think it was February 28th, 2020, so it was two weeks before New York City at least shut down. Probably a lot of places in the US, and I, I didn't have some, like, premonition about COVID. The timing was just kind of nutty, and I even put up that post without any business in mind. I, I, really, I felt so compelled by these ideas around what we've been talking about and how different they are from what we've been handed down to us as truth, that the only way I can describe it is, um, this sounds, like, awful and visceral, but it felt like I had to, like... I was, like, vomiting them out, and I just needed somewhere to put them. And so when I looked back, I was like: Why did I do that? I, I don't know. I- it was more like relief than intentional, [chuckles] you know, goal setting. And then New York City shut down, and then what happened was things just took fire. And what was really powerful, and I just kind of watched happen and tried to respond to, was the community that formed around it, what people wanted. I started doing these live workshops just because I had so much more to say than I could put into a carousel post, and the way people were connecting live, I, I still- it still happens now in the live events. It, like, I, I think certain ideas I have or stories I tell can be really impactful to people, but if I had to choose between that versus what happens in our community, I, I would bet on the community every time. It- it's just amazing because I think these ideas tap into some value system or healing inside of ourselves, and safe communities form around value systems. And so what ended up happening from there is people were just telling us, they, they actually kind of incepted this idea, like: "Dr. Becky, I feel like you're doing parent school." And I was like: What? They're like: "I go to school for everything that I've ever cared about." [chuckles] And I always joke that. A friend said, "Do you know how much money I spent on gardening school? Like, I like my flowers, but I care about my children more. But I've spent m- I've spent more time, and I've invested more in my tiny little garden or my cooking or my hobby. You know, certainly I've spent more learning about Greek history," which for most of us, no shade to Greece, doesn't actually impact our life that much anymore, "than I have in parenting." And I realized, and this is what this whole, uh, our business is around, is I really feel like parenting is the last area in life that we glorify instinct alone, where we say, especially to women, this whole idea of maternal instinct, uh, I don't know, this is probably a little controversial. I was like, wow, what a way to gaslight parents. Like, not to say there aren't some moments that are instinctual, but if I'm parenting by instinct, do you wanna know what I'm gonna do when my kid has a tantrum or when my kid lies in my face? It's not gonna be pretty. Like, I don't know if any of us [chuckles] feel like that's a good option.

    3. LR

      I believe you. No, you would not do that.

    4. BK

      Yeah. Right, and, and instinct... By the way, what's instinct? It's everything we've learned until that point, and what feels naturally in parenting is simply how we were parented. That- that's all that's gonna be natural. And so I, I really, like, I started to get very angry with my community, where like, why isn't there a better way? And by the way, with modern technology, shouldn't this be easy on your phone? Shouldn't you have- shouldn't you get access, not to make a moment perfect, but we all spiral after a hard moment, and it's not the spiral that makes us have a bad week. It's the way we extend the spiral from how we talk about ourselves and the bad patterns. That last weeks, these are the things that add up to our and our kids' mental health, and I, I did, I started to get angry, thinking there should just be a better option for parents to learn without shame, without the expectation of perfection, to have something in their pocket, to combine it with modern technology, now AI, so many different things, and to preserve the human interactive element. So yeah, so that's what Good Inside is. You know, my co-founder and I are both psychologists. We've known each other forever, um, and we have a whole team where, yes, there's the podcast and Instagram, and I, I always consider those, like-... flags, like a strategy and a tip we hear, they're like flags. They're like things we try, but most of our struggle in parenting is we don't have a framework [chuckles] and an actual approach, which is the ground we would plant a flag into, which is why parenting feels like Whac-A-Mole, where we're just, like, trying things, right? Even though we would never do that at work. We don't even do that with gardening or tennis. And so Good Inside in our app, to me, is, like, the most modern, [chuckles] you know, alive, personalized, technologically informed way of feeling like I have something in my pocket, and someone and a community, too, in my pocket, that can just close the gap between how I kind of want to show up and how I do show up. None of us close the gap completely, but I do believe we deserve access to tools that can help us do that, and that's what Good Inside as a business is built around.

    5. LR

      Just to give you more chance to plug what this is exactly, what do people get when they, say, download the app, sign up for the community?

    6. BK

      What you get is, first of all, you get to just tell us what's going on with you, and we get to be the holder of that story and make sure we hit on the important themes. I really do believe I know kind of, not formula, that makes it too specific and, like, perfect, but we need to learn how to set boundaries. We need to learn how to stay connected to our kid without murdering ourselves. By the way, I also think the thing that you get in the app, which we have to learn better communication if we're in a partnership, because that gets tricky. We have to learn how to repair. We have to understand why we get so activated in our nervous system, and we have to do it in a way that we could do, I don't know, five minutes here or there on the go. So that's exactly what we're set up to do. If you can give us five minutes, we will give you something that's not just a tip, that is something... I always combine two things: understanding and action, right? Insight and something that you can actually do today, because I think that's how we can take a deep breath. Understanding gives us clarity, [exhales] and action gives us capability, a- and that's what we give parents. So you get that. We'll drip it to you. You tell us what's going on. Um, we also have an incredible, like, AI chatbot experience that also, beyond helping you in the moment, can help you say, like: "Hey, this kind of thing that seems different, they're all kind of the same. Here's the common theme. Here's what we suggest for you to kind of get ahead of things." And then there are so many live events. I believe deeply that parenting is something where we have to connect to people, so I do, I don't know, two or, you know, usually two or three live events in a month. Um, we have coaches we've trained, so we've manualized the Good Inside approach. We have coaches who do support sessions. If you have a deeply feeling kid, you can come to as many of those in a month as you want, and there's always a parent to kind of connect. And so I would say you get answers to your questions, you get deeper dives, if that's for you, and you have the time, and you love to learn, and then you also have a very, very active expert-driven, but also just parent community, um, for the live connected help that I think we all need.

    7. LR

      Amazing. I'm a happy member. I was actually just chatting with your AI, uh, chatbot, Dr. Gigi, is- [chuckles]

    8. BK

      Yes, Gigi, exactly.

    9. LR

      Gigi. Ah, so good.

    10. BK

      Yes.

    11. LR

      Okay, and where do people find this, goodinside.com?

    12. BK

      Yes.

    13. LR

      Is that right?

    14. BK

      So easy.

    15. LR

      Okay, so easy.

    16. BK

      We try to make it easy, goodinside.com.

  19. 1:16:22 – 1:19:52

    AI corner

    1. LR

      Okay, uh, I have another question I'm gonna ask about, uh, this experience, but before that, I'm gonna take you to a couple recurring corners on this podcast. The first is AI Corner. I'm curious if there's some way you found AI useful in your work, in your life.

    2. BK

      So yes. So it actually connects to what I was saying before, how I've learned about myself. I'm kind of allergic to ideas without action, and that people would always say to me, "Dr. Becky, one of the reasons I love your parenting guidance is you both help me understand a situation more deeply than, like, I find elsewhere, but you also help me translate it into, like, this absurdly practical thing I can say or do." A- and it's interesting because what I've learned is I'm so help- glad that's helpful for people. That actually is just the way I think, and I'm seeing that as I run my company also, and AI helps me close that gap. So let's say we're even talking about the product, or we're talking about a new onboarding flow, and I have an idea. Like, I, you know, currently I'm, you know, was playing around with Figma Make, and I was like, "Oh, my goodness." I can vomit my ideas, and I have so many ideas, not just about, like, this is how I wanna make someone feel, and I, I don't want it to sound like this, I want it to sound like this. I have so many ideas around my intention and the impact, and I don't like to have an idea that I can't fully see out. So I wanna see the UX design, or I wanna see the whole email flow, and my team knows me well enough to know that's just how I think. So they can get a totally new abandoned cart flow from me, and they might be like: "Becky, we don't like this. We wish you just told us the idea before you built this out." I don't do that for them. A- and I'm like, "If you wanna trash the whole thing, I don't care. I'm not attached to it." But AI has allowed me to take an idea and turn it into something I can visualize, and that's more real in such a rapid way, and I, I'm just... I'm so excited about that.

    3. LR

      That is super cool. It feels like this is what these apps are use-- so useful for, people that are not designers, product managers, engineers, trying stuff out, prototyping, thinking through in, in real designs, not just, you know, sketches. Well, Figma Make, that's cool. Uh, proud podcast sponsor. Uh-

    4. BK

      Yes

    5. LR

      ... is that the one you find most useful?

    6. BK

      Um, you know, it's funny. I'm just laughing because Andrew Hogan, who's, uh, like, does Insights at Figma, he's, he's been, like, a big, Good Inside member. He's always talking about it, and I said to him: "If it would help at all, I wanna make a video for your, just your team, to tell them how obsessed I am with [chuckles] Figma Make, in case that," you know? And he's like: "Go ahead." You know, so if this fails, I'm gonna become an affiliate, um, you know, or something for, for that. But that is the one I'm playing around with. I'm also playing around Replit, like, my team was just showing me, um, that one, and, and Lovable. So I love playing around with any of those new tools. And then, yeah, whether it's, you know, Claude or ChatGPT, I, I find the way I can work rapidly to get my ideas into a place, and I, I show my team how I use it, and, and I really do think that people who get the most out of prompting, like, there is a-... [chuckles] I know, like a vomiting aspect. Tell me all your thoughts. And I think a lot of people, especially women, we've been conditioned to, like, put everything into this, like, neat, organized package before we present it to the world in general. And I find prompting is best when we do complete opposite, right? A- and get it all out there, and then you can refine. And, and that's one of the things I do with my team a lot. I'm like: "I wanna show you. Just be in the room, and I'll show you how I work through this with," let's say it's a ChatGPT. Um, and I think that's one of the ways I'm also helping my team get a lot more from AI, is showing them

  20. 1:19:52 – 1:22:26

    Good Inside’s mission

    1. BK

      that, that kind of way of using it.

    2. LR

      How big is your team, by the way? What's, like, the Dr. Becky operation? What does that look like?

    3. BK

      Sixty-five.

    4. LR

      Sixty-five people, that's incredible.

    5. BK

      Yeah, well, and prof-- and we're, and we're profitable.

    6. LR

      And profitable.

    7. BK

      Proud of that.

    8. LR

      Have you raised money, or is it, uh, bootstrapped?

    9. BK

      We did raise money a couple years ago. Um, we felt like, again, we have a very, very big vision for what we want to accomplish. [chuckles] I feel like at our core, it's a set of ideas and stories and a way of making people feel, that happens to be represented as the biggest part of our business now in a digital product. But, um, there's just so many other things in, like, a Disney-type ecosystem, um, that I think can come out, out of IP and story and, and feeling and connection. And, um, there's a lot of really other exciting things, twenty twenty-six and twenty twenty-seven, that will further build that ecosystem, and I feel like as a team, we're set up to do that.

    10. LR

      Oh, man, we need to do a whole episode on just the whole operation. But-

    11. BK

      Yes

    12. LR

      ... I guess just to cover the, the, the empire, there's the book, there's the podcast, there's the app, there's the community.

    13. BK

      So yes, and there's our- my second children's book will come out next year, so I feel like that's our first, um, entry into kind of more physical product. Um, and my second children's book is about deeply feeling kids. Those kids are kind of my passion project within the passion project that is Good Inside. I think they're the most misunderstood kids in the world. They're labeled dramatic, oppositional. A lot of parents even tell me professionals tell them the issue is they don't punish them enough, or they're not consistent. Those kids don't fear a loss of control. Their core fear is being too much, and they can act that out and unfortunately get it confirmed by the world. And so my second children's book will be about deeply feeling kids and gives parents something. If our app is like the companion for the parent, I, I feel like the connection moment and for a kid to see themselves in this book, i- is, you know, the purpose of that.

    14. LR

      Is that something people can pre-order yet or not yet?

    15. BK

      Yes, they can pre-order.

    16. LR

      Okay.

    17. BK

      It's out February twenty twenty-six, and pre-orders, thank you. Yes, helps so much, um, and I'll doing- I'll be doing a little tour around it as well.

    18. LR

      And what's it called for people to look at up on Amazon or wherever they want to buy the book?

    19. BK

      It's called Leave Me Alone: A Good Inside Story About Deeply Feeling Kids. And if you have one, these kids, the reason the title I think will resonate, honestly, a lot of people say: "Ooh, that gives me a lot of insight into my partner, someone at work," is around their fear of being too much. They tend to have big, explosive feelings and try to f- and push the people away they care about the most in the exact moments they actually need them, thereby confirming their fears. "See, I really am too much," which exacerbates the cycle until they know how to change it. So, "Leave me alone" is something a deeply feeling kid will often scream in their room when they're completely out of control, and that's actually, in some ways, their deepest fear, [chuckles] not their wish, and so the title plays to that.

    20. LR

      How cool. Okay, we'll definitely link to that in the show notes.

    21. BK

      Yes.

    22. LR

      Uh, you can look it up on your favorite bookseller.

  21. 1:22:26 – 1:31:56

    Lightning round and final thoughts

    1. LR

      Dr. Becky, how fun was this? What a unique conversation. Uh, we touched p- topics on s- every level of humanity, [chuckles] I think. Um, before we get to our very exciting lightning round, is there anything else that you wanted to share? Anything else that you wanna double down on?

    2. BK

      Kind of, I think before we started recording, I, I was saying how excited I am. I really mean it. You're, like, a major celebrity to me, and my whole team knows it, that of all of the podcasts I've been on, they're like: "You must be nervous for Lenny." I was like: "I am." Um, what I said to you is that I, I, I love your podcast because I just learn so much, right? Um, as a psychologist CEO, obviously there's a lot for me to learn, um, and I've learned so much from you, and I really am addicted to learning. A- and the reason that's coming up for me now is I, I think about all the people who listen to your show, who I think they're like that too. They're forever learners. They love to learn. It's why they love your podcast because you get so concrete, and you follow, you know, the thread down the rabbit hole, and, and it helps us feel more capable at work. And one of the things I've found interesting is so many people who have that forever learner growth mindset, whatever you wanna call it, at work, we forget to access it with our kids. Like, we say things like: "It is the way it is." Like, I just, I feel like people who listen to your podcast probably don't say that at work. That's why they're listening to your podcast. Maybe it doesn't have to be the way it is. Or, "Oh, like, I didn't know that before, but now I do, so I can try something new." And again, I'm never gonna be perfect. Perfect is creepy, but I can grow. Like, I'm more addicted to growing and learning than being right. And I think, I guess I would just ask anyone listening, especially as a parent, to say, like: "What if I just took that mentality home?" Like, okay, I yelled at my kid. I didn't mess them up forever. Do I know how to repair? By the way, did I have a parent who actually repaired with me? Because if I didn't, no wonder it feels awkward. I'm kind of the first person in my whole lineage to give a true apology to my three-year-old. Of course, that's gonna feel hard. Or, yeah, I don't understand tantrums, or I don't really understand why my kid, why my good kid, is lying to me, but maybe I could learn. I, I learn things at work all the time, and I give myself credit, and what if I took that way of being and just applied it to this other area? I'd both, I think, be more compassionate with myself, but I'd probably also feel better over time about how I was showing up. And I just think we forget to apply that because, again, parenting has been told as something that should just feel natural, um-

    3. LR

      Mm

    4. BK

      ... when it doesn't, right? So if we think of it as a set of skills, it's actually very hopeful. Oh, I learn skills from Lenny all the time. Like, I can do that in parenting too.

    5. LR

      That's such a, a, a beautiful message. What I feel is anytime I watch one of your clips and then do that thing, and then it works, it's like, oh, that, like, blow- expands your mind. Oh, wow, there's so much more I can learn. [chuckles] I should go deeper on, on what I'm- what the hell I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing, you know? It's... So that is a really important message, like, you can learn this skill. It's not something anyone just knows how to do.

    6. BK

      ... Yeah, and I, I like giving people very concrete things. So a question recently that I've asked my kids that have led to, like, amazing moments, just as a- is some version of: If I could do one thing different this week to be a better parent to you, what would it be? I guess it's kind of like a three-sixty degree- [chuckles]

    7. LR

      Yeah, it's kind of-

    8. BK

      -review. Right? And, and, and-

    9. LR

      Give me a raise.

    10. BK

      Sometimes your kid says the hurtful things. "You cannot be on your phone as much," which just get ready for it and just get ready to receive. "Okay, thank you for telling me that." And I think the thing that stops us is we think our kid is going to say, quote, "stupid things." "You could let me watch TV." The truth is, no matter what your kid says, it's a window into their world. And again, you can be the pilot who listens but doesn't open the cockpit door. "Oh, what would it be like to watch all the TV you want?" "Oh, your friends watch more. I'm so glad you told me that." "Oh, does that mean I can watch TV?" "Sweetie, that's not going to be one of the things I budge on, but maybe here's something we could do instead." But just asking your kid that question and not expecting a profound answer, it makes me think if anyone thought, like, what if my manager asked me that question? Wouldn't I immediately just feel better about my manager anyway, just from the asking of the question? And I, I think it's just something so actionable, that every time I do it with my kids, I notice, like, their behavior is kind of better for the rest of the week just from that. And I, I want to give something high impact to anybody who's made it this far in the episode.

    11. LR

      I love that that's, like, the reverse, uh, of this approach to this episode, is, like, from the work environment, what can you bring to your kids? And it's like, do a little three sixty, g- ask-

    12. BK

      Yeah

    13. LR

      ... what feedback can you give me-

    14. BK

      Yeah

    15. LR

      -on my performance review as a parent-

    16. BK

      Yeah

    17. LR

      -this week?

    18. BK

      Exactly.

    19. LR

      So good. Okay. With that, Dr. Becky, we reached our very exciting lightning round. [bell dings] I've got five questions for you. Are you ready?

    20. BK

      Uh, yes.

    21. LR

      [chuckles] Here we go. What are two or three books that you find yourself recommending most to other people?

    22. BK

      I love The Power of Moments, I love Messy Middle, and I got a lot from Creativity, Inc. as well.

    23. LR

      Is there a recent movie or TV show you have really enjoyed?

    24. BK

      I really liked Secrets We Keep, which was actually recommended to me by our product leader, on Netflix. Um, and I, I really loved K Pop Demon Hunters so much. I wrote a whole guide on it, 'cause I think there's j- it's just such an opener for really good, deep, connected moments with our kids. Um, and so those two come to mind.

    25. LR

      Is there a product you recently discovered that you really like? Could be an app, could be clothing, could be a gadget.

    26. BK

      I started doing Liberty Puzzles. Um, do you know... So, uh-

    27. LR

      No

    28. BK

      ... some people have heard of Stave. They're like these, but it, this is Liberty. They're thick, wooden puzzles, where they're kind of hand-cut pieces. You never know what's an edge. Sometimes, like, the colors that connect are kind of the end of one color and start of another, so they're tricky. But having this out at night, number one, I find puzzling [chuckles] is something where you have to monotask. Like, you truly cannot multitask, and I find it so hard for me to monotask these days, even though it gives me such grounded energy. So that allows that, and it's something, I guess, with my kids, but oddly enough, me and my husband will find ourselves doing it together at night versus, like, being on the couch, doing work, and, and I feel like we're in the same world, working on something together, and it's, it, it's been really fun for that as well.

    29. LR

      My kid has been really into puzzles recently. He-- We have this menorah puzzle that we got, and he's just... Every bedtime, he wants to do it, like, four times.

    30. BK

      Mm-hmm.

Episode duration: 1:31:56

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