Why not asking for what you want is holding you back | Kenneth Berger (exec coach, first PM @Slack)

ℹ️ EPISODE INFO

Released

May 19, 2024

Duration

1h 13m

Channel

Lenny's Podcast

Watch on YouTube

▶ Open ↗

📝 EPISODE DESCRIPTION

Kenneth Berger coaches startup leaders on how to prevent burnout, advocate for their desired lifestyle, and make a meaningful impact on the world. He’s spent more than 20 years in the tech industry, is a former founder backed by top investors, and was the first product manager at Slack. Kenneth’s core mission is to help startup leaders change the world by learning to ask for what they want, living with integrity, and building genuine relationships even with the people they find most challenging. Currently he is writing a book, Ask for What You Want, in which he aims to share his actionable strategies for creating change in the world. In our conversation, we explore:

• Why asking for what you want is so impactful
• Three steps to effectively ask for what you want
• Challenges that arise when people struggle to ask for what they want
• Why hearing “no” is a normal part of the process
• The “dream behind the complaint” technique for uncovering desires
• Kenneth’s experience of being fired three times from Slack
• How embracing fear and discomfort is key to getting what you want
• Why discipline is overrated

— Brought to you by:

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Find the transcript and references at: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/ask-for-what-you-want-kenneth-berger Where to find Kenneth Berger:

• X: https://twitter.com/kberger
• Threads: https://www.threads.net/@kberger
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kberger/
• Website: https://kberger.com/

Where to find Lenny:

• Newsletter: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com
• X: https://twitter.com/lennysan
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lennyrachitsky/

In this episode, we cover: (00:00) Kenneth’s background (04:31) The importance of asking for what you want (06:36) Challenges that arise when people struggle to ask for what they want (08:09) A personal example of failing to ask for what you want (09:17) Signs this is a skill you need to work on (10:49) How to get better at knowing what you want (15:28) Why hearing “no” is a normal part of the process (17:29) Getting a “yes” vs. a “hell yes” (19:20) Step 1: Articulate what you want (24:07) Doing an integrity check (26:56) Step 2: Ask for what you want intentionally (30:45) Understanding your influence (34:48) Using complaints as inspiration (36:24) Internal family systems (38:00) Giving feedback (41:24) Step 3: Accept the response (45:22) Kenneth’s experience of being fired three times from Slack (57:30) Advice on being the first PM at a company or startup (01:04:58) Contrarian corner: anti-discipline (01:05:52) Lightning round Production and marketing by https://penname.co/. For inquiries about sponsoring the podcast, email podcast@lennyrachitsky.com. Lenny may be an investor in the companies discussed.

🎤 SPEAKERS

• Lenny Rachitsky

  host

• Kenneth Berger

  guest

🧾 EPISODE SUMMARY

In this episode of Lenny's Podcast, featuring Lenny Rachitsky and Kenneth Berger, Why not asking for what you want is holding you back | Kenneth Berger (exec coach, first PM @Slack) explores unlocking Career Fulfillment By Simply Asking For What You Want Kenneth Berger, former first PM at Slack turned executive coach, argues that most career and life dysfunction stems from not clearly asking for what you want—and not being able to hear the true response. He lays out a simple but demanding loop: articulate what you want, ask for it intentionally, and fully accept the response (usually a no) as data, not a verdict. Berger illustrates how people-pleasing, control-freak tendencies, fear of conflict, and attachment to being right all block this skill, sharing his own story of being effectively fired three times from Slack as a case study. He emphasizes integrity, emotional regulation, and shifting from fear-based motivation to vision-based motivation as the path to sustainable high performance and fulfillment.

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