3 Steps To Understanding Your Childhood TRIGGERS And How To Repair Them | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Mel Robbins 0:03 (ticking sound) (upbeat music) Dr. Becky.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 0:04 Here we are.

Mel Robbins 0:05 This conversation is required listening, whether you have children or not, because this is not a parenting conversation. If you're listening to this, you have been a child.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 0:15 Our triggers are stories from our past.

Mel Robbins 0:18 Everybody, did you hear that? Is it normal to not remember what your parents did when you were, like, emotional?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 0:26 Your mind doesn't remember. Your body is acting out that memory every time your kid has a tantrum.

Mel Robbins 0:32 Wait, what? (upbeat music) Hey, it's Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today, we have one of those episodes that I would label required listening. What you're gonna learn in today's episode, after you meet the expert that I'm gonna talk to, wow, it's gonna make you a better person, because you're gonna get tools that will help you repair the kind of crap that went down in your childhood that you don't even realize is impacting you as an adult. Who do I have on the show today? None other than Dr. Becky Kennedy. Dr. Becky Kennedy is the brand new number one New York Times best-selling author of Good Inside. She says no matter what's going on in your life, there is good inside of you, and today, we are gonna give you the tools and the simple scripts to help you access it. Dr. Becky is a clinical psychologist with a PhD from Columbia. She is blowing up online. She was deemed the Millennial Parenting Whisperer by Time magazine. And here's the thing, this is not a conversation about parenting. This is a conversation for everybody, because even if you're not a parent right now, you were once a child, and you're about to learn how things that you don't even remember are impacting you as an adult, and keeping you stuck and unhappy. Well, today on the Mel Robbins podcast, we're gonna fix that with tools and advice that you need to create a better life. Let's get into it. Okay.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 1:57 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:57 Dr. Becky.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 1:59 Here we are.

Mel Robbins 1:59 Here we are. Congratulations.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 2:01 Thank you.

Mel Robbins 2:02 Wow. How you feeling?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 2:05 I feel really energized. I really do. I love these ideas. I love hearing people's stories, and on the book tour, I've gotten to talk about ideas and hear people's stories, so it's been pretty fantastic.

Mel Robbins 2:15 Amazing. So I, uh, devour your content online, and I know that you're a parenting expert-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 2:19 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 2:20 But every single post, I get something as an adult, and there are two things that I get from every post that you have. One is that I, uh, see reasons why I feel the way that I feel as an adult, because you're talking about experiences that children have. Um, and then I also go, "Oh my God, I'm clearly fucking up my children right now." Or- and it's too late, 'cause they're 23, 22, and 17.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 2:50 (laughs) Well, I'm- I wanna jump in on that second point. So my, my biggest hope is that people, yes, see Good Inside kind of, yeah, as a initiation into a mode of parenting that is as much about self-development as it is about child development. And my second hope is that they see it as empowering, not, uh, anxiety inducing, like, "I messed up my kids." So we're gonna- we're gonna- we're gonna fix number two and get you- get you back to the empowering place.

Mel Robbins 3:15 Fantastic.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 3:16 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 3:16 So I wanna, uh, go to a particular part of your, uh, your number one New York Times best-selling book, Good Inside. Page one, you talk about how when you were in your clinical psychology PhD program at Columbia, you were doing play therapy with kids, but you were also counseling adult clients. And I read this sentence where you wrote, "I became fascinated by an undeniable connection. With the adults, it was so clear where in childhood, things went awry, where a child's needs weren't met or behaviors were a cry for help that was never answered." And what I wanna focus on with you today is how we can learn more about ourselves now that we're adults based on what you have come to understand as a clinical psychologist that is giving parenting advice to millions and millions of people around the world.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 4:17 Well, thank you for that. And yeah, it was this really interesting set of years, and it continued after my PhD program in my practice where I'd see kids and then I'd see adults. And in the adults, the work really, you know, I think is rewiring work. So everyone came to my practice saying different things. They struggled with anxiety, or they were reactive, or they felt bad about themselves, they had imposter syndrome, they were depressed. Whatever the problem was was different, but I actually think everyone's core struggle was the same.

Mel Robbins 4:48 What is it?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 4:48 Which is that I learned to adapt in my early years so I could thrive as much as possible in my earliest environment, and I created wiring that allowed me to do that, and that was incredibly crafty and important. And yet, the things that I wired early that were adaptive back then are now the things that are holding me back, but it's really hard to shift patterns that were put in place to protect me, so I'm stuck and can you help. Now, no one said that, but I think that's what actually what everyone's story said.

Mel Robbins 5:20 Now, when you say early-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 5:22 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 5:23 ... childhood years-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 5:24 Yes.

Mel Robbins 5:24 ... what age are you talking about?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 5:27 So, and- and this is whereas parents or non-parents listening, we can all take a deep breath and just remember a truth that I think is a really important double truth. The body,

Dr. Becky Kennedy 5:36 the brain wires early, and it is never too late to rewire, so they're equally true.

Mel Robbins 5:41 Okay, so hold on everybody. I wanna- I wanna stop and say something really important. This conversation is required listening whether you have children or not, because this is not a parenting conversation. If you're listening to this, you have been a child.And you were raised by somebody else, who was once a child. And what Dr. Becky is going to reveal today, and is going to also give you tools that are gonna empower you on this repair and this rewiring, is first we're gonna talk about how your experience as a child, maybe even before you have actual memories that relate to this, that your experience as a child has shaped who you are as an adult and in areas of your life where you feel out of control or you feel stuck. You are likely stuck in some wiring from your childhood. Is that right?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 6:39 Uh, 100%. So if we jump into the specifics there, so what I- I'd ask everyone first to consider something that is both so obvious, but I always find it very powerful. Your body today is the exact same body you were born with.

Mel Robbins 6:51 Wait, what?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 6:52 Right? Like, your body, my body has lived all of my experiences from the time I was a baby, right? We never get a new body. And so my experiences in my first-

Mel Robbins 7:02 Can I ask a question about that though first?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 7:04 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 7:04 'Cause don't you... 'cause I, like, have heard all this stuff, like, "Your cells regenerate every seven years." And-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 7:09 Uh-huh.

Mel Robbins 7:09 ... you know, I've grown obviously from a blob that laid around-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 7:13 Yes.

Mel Robbins 7:13 ... when I was an infant to now a 5'8", 54-year-old adult. So what do you mean when you say your body right now is the same body that you had when you were born?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 7:27 I think, yes, a lot of things have changed. Our house, uh, uh, like, it's a- it's our house. We live in it. And so the things that happened when we were three months, when we were nine months, when we were three, things that you just said, Mel, it's true. We don't remember when we use a very limited definition of memory. And I always find this interesting. We have a very limited understanding, colloquially, of memory that it's the things that I can tell someone happened to me.

Mel Robbins 7:49 Mm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 7:50 But the only things we can ever tell someone happened to me are the things that other people help me form a coherent story about. And so that's actually a pretty limited amount of memory, given that the hardest things in our childhood were probably the things we were left alone with and nobody helped us understand.

Mel Robbins 8:08 And we didn't even understand.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 8:09 Exactly. We didn't understand because we need adults when we're young to make meaning out of all of our confusing experiences that our body registers.

Mel Robbins 8:19 Can I give you a specific-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 8:21 Please.

Mel Robbins 8:21 ... example that you might be able to help us unpack-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 8:25 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 8:25 ... as context for what you're talking about? So just last night, I was at LAX, and we we're gonna fly to New York City, right? And so we are sitting in the Delta Club lounge, whatever. If you have an American Express card, they're not sponsoring the show right now, but, you know-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 8:41 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 8:41 ... that's why I was in there. And I went up to the concierge lady to ask about the flight status, and a woman came running up, and she worked at the Delta Club, and she was shaking. And she said, "There is somebody screaming at a baby in the- in the bathroom. She's screaming at the baby, and the baby is so little." And I immediately tensed up, and the woman at the desk started to dismiss her. "Well, is- is the baby okay?" "I don't know, but you shouldn't talk to a baby like that. Why do you scream at a baby?" Scre- like, just s-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 9:18 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 9:19 The woman was in such distress-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 9:21 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 9:21 ... over what she had heard-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 9:22 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 9:23 ... from the tone of the mom screaming to the- to the, like, "Why would you be screaming at a nine-month-old so loud it's coming through a bathroom door?" And then she turned, and the mom kind of rushed back out to where her partner was and handed her partner to the baby and was... Handed the baby to the partner and was all flustered. And can you-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 9:48 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 9:48 ... in that moment explain what was probably getting absorbed by the baby, by the baby's mother, by the woman who heard it, by me hearing it-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 9:57 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 9:57 That one moment was so triggering for me and clearly that other woman.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 10:02 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 10:03 But explain all of that as it relates to memory, and as it relates to experience, and as it relates to kinda how we get retriggered.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 10:12 Yes. Okay. So I should first say, the body doesn't only kind of wire, develop circuitry from one experience. But let's just say for the sake of this example that this baby and mother, this was one of many times when the baby is distressed, the mother ha- struggles to tolerate that distress and ends up adding their own distress and dysregulation, um, rather than a soothing element. So I'm just gonna make that assumption just for the sake of this discussion. So here's what's happening in a baby's body. Their emotional world inside is on fire. Something is very upsetting. And with a nine-month-old, you don't know what it is. Maybe their diaper is dirty, maybe they're hungry, maybe they have some tag, maybe it's they're noticing unfamiliar surroundings. They don't know how to express it except for in this total cry and dysregulation. So the baby's body registers, "I am very overwhelmed and upset right now."

Mel Robbins 11:07 Hm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 11:07 I always think of, like, a marble run. That's, like, the first part of the marble run. And then

Dr. Becky Kennedy 11:12 how a baby's body ends up getting wired, what happens next is a baby will encode how their caregivers responded to them in that moment. So first comes distress. So their body learns, "Okay, I get distressed." As we all know, guess what? We all get distressed, that just happens. After distress comes more distress, and anger, and a threat to attachment, and fear. So now a baby wires fear and additional dysregulation next to their dysregulation. And again, let's say this was part of a larger pattern. And babies, yes, they pick up on kind of the message, "My parent is as scared of my overwhelmed state-"-as I am. When I get overwhelmed, I push people away. When I get overwhelmed, I overwhelm other people. When I get overwhelmed, my closest relationships actually become threatened, right? So if we fast-forward, and again, this is not one time-

Mel Robbins 12:18 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 12:18 -many times, right? Here's what doesn't happen. A 30-year-old doesn't say, "I'm upset, and wow, I did get yelled at a couple of times when I was a baby in the Delta lounge, but that was then, and this is now, and I have a feeling my partner will respond differently, so I'm just gonna go to them and say I'm upset." No, because again, that was never even explained to them. There's no coherence. It's just a body's memory of when I get upset, I actually develop a warning sign, "Ooh, you better put that away. Oh, you're gonna threaten other people's attachment. This is gonna make it worse. It's gonna be a tornado. It's gonna be an abyss." And then maybe even have a partner who's like, "You sound like you're having an upsetting day." And they're like, "No, no, no. Nope, nope. All good. All good." And then probably, as we know, I acted out in some other way. I pull away, or I drink alcohol, or I do different things because what I've learned is I can't connect to other people with my distress. I don't expect the people who are close to me to help me get soothing. So, I better figure out what I can do now to shut down this experience to preserve feeling safe in the world.

Mel Robbins 13:23 Wow. How the... Uh, I mean, I... There- there's so much to unpack here-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 13:28 There's-

Mel Robbins 13:29 ... because you don't even remember experiences probably five and under, right?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 13:34 Well, and this is, I think... This is one of the most empowering things to think about. We don't remember with our words and our stories, but we remember with our body. So let m- l- like, here... I always think about this couple. They saw me a while ago in my private practice, and it was the dad who actually sought, you know, kind of this parent coaching work. And he said, "Whenever my kid has a tantrum, like I know the things. I know it's normal. I know they have the feelings, they don't have the skills. I have to teach them the skills. It's not the feelings that are the problem, it's the lack of skills. I know the whole thing. But when my kid has a tantrum, I... Uh, that knowledge is just out the door. And I, I yell, I say awful things. I say things I promise myself I would never say as a parent." And so, one of the things I like to do when I'm working with parents is we can't just say, "Okay, try this," because you can only try a strategy if your body is in a grounded place to be able to access that strategy.

Mel Robbins 14:23 Is that why it's easy to talk about tools and therapy, but when you get into the situation where your kids are driving you crazy, you start screaming and you forget the strategies?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 14:31 Yeah, it's why so many parenting approaches I think kind of set parents up to feel bad, because they're like, "Try this, try this." That's great, and I always think if we learn those strategies, they kind of live behind a door. But if we aren't doing the work on ourselves to be able to be in the place to open that door, then they're (laughs) just locked behind the door, because we're triggered, right? So this dad, I, I remember saying to him, "Tell me a little bit how your parents responded to your tantrums and your big emotions as a kid." And he's like, "Wha- how y- I have no idea. I, h- I've, I have no memory of that." And I found this interesting because what I said to him, I go, "I know how your parents responded. It's interesting you say you've no memory. Your mind doesn't remember. Your body is acting out that memory every time your kid has a tantrum. Your body, the way it reacts to so harshly shut down my kid's tantrum." And he's like, "What's wrong with you? You're crazy. You're making a big deal out of nothing. You're being ridiculous. Why don't you act like your sister?" Like, he'd say all these things, and he's like, "I don't know how people responded to my big emotions." (laughs)

Mel Robbins 15:32 Uh, Dr. Becky, I was just sitting here thinking, "I don't know how they responded."

Dr. Becky Kennedy 15:37 Our triggers are stories from our past.

Mel Robbins 15:40 Everybody, did you hear that?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 15:41 I'm gonna say it again. Our triggers are stories from our past, acting themselves out in our present. And this is why when people say, "What about all the types of therapy that, like, don't really care about the past?" Or, "Why do we have to talk about our past?" I'm a pure pragmatist at heart. We have to talk about the past to understand it, so it doesn't take over the driver's seat in our present life. That stinks when your past lives itself out.

Mel Robbins 16:05 Can I ask another question? 'Cause-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 16:06 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 16:07 Because I have heard a bazillion times, and I talk about it, I've studied it, about how the body keeps the score, the body remembers-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 16:17 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 16:17 ... you feel things before your thoughts can explain them. But the way that you just talked about memory, something clicked.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 16:24 Mm.

Mel Robbins 16:24 And the fact that my lived experience is also that I don't remember, and I also have this hyperdrive Dr. Becky to go, "Oh, it was great." Yeah, I don't remember anybody yelling at me. I don't remember, like, anything like that at all.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 16:42 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 16:43 And yet, the thing that I hate about myself as a parent is that when I get frustrated, I vomit on my kids.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 16:51 Mm.

Mel Robbins 16:52 I just snap. And their moments of high stress cause me to be like, ƒah! Right at them. And then I quickly apologize. I quickly-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 17:04 Amazing.

Mel Robbins 17:04 ... am like, "I'm sorry." It's a b- it's not an excuse that I'm stressed out right now.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 17:09 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 17:10 But a- is it normal to not remember what your parents did when you were, like, emotional?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 17:19 100%. So, it's normal to not remember in this one version of memory that we all kind of accept as the whole truth, right? So, going back to our bodies. So, a kid gets yelled at, they're three. They get yelled at like we all know. Like, I... And by the way, I yell at my kids too, and I'm gonna yell at my kids later today. Like, we all do it, right? I'm stressed, it's not them. We don't respond to our kids. We respond to the circuit in our own body that gets activated when we witness things in our kids.

Mel Robbins 17:50 Okay, everybody, I want you to hear that. You're not responding to your kids, or your dog-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 17:56 Mm-mm.

Mel Robbins 17:56 ... or your colleagues, or your spouse. You're responding to something in your body that gets activated...... in that situation.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 18:05 Exactly. So my kids, let's say, with this dad, he's like, "Th- this kid is having a tantrum."

Mel Robbins 18:09 Uh-huh.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 18:09 Right? And an example was, like, a classic four-year-old tantrum. Um, you know, I cut the grilled cheese in half instead of leaving it whole.

Mel Robbins 18:16 (laughs)

Dr. Becky Kennedy 18:16 Or I cut it in half into triangles, instead of-

Mel Robbins 18:18 How dare you?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 18:18 You know, how dare you, you horrible parent, right? And- and by the way, for the kid, that's also a trigger moment for them. They obviously were filled up with frustration, and that was just the spillover point. But I see this thing in my kid. Then my body does this inside. "What do I know about overwhelming, kind of, extreme displays of emotion?" And my body kind of scans its circuits. And if I've learned in my own past, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That is so dangerous. That would get you sent to your room," which is fear of abandonment. "That would get you called a spoiled brat. That would get you those..." And I know this from doing it as a parent. "That would get you those dart eyes that just say everything we need to say as a parent."

Mel Robbins 19:00 Oh, mine's a tone shift.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 19:01 Right. They're like, "You are a horrible person," right? Which kids are like, "Oh, no. This is literally dangerous. Kids need us to survive. They need us to get food, shelter, and water." So they pick up on what feelings and parts of them are allowed and what feelings and parts of them are threatening, and they adjust accordingly. So if I had to learn in my childhood, "Ooh, yeah. Those big displays of emotion, even if I don't remember with my, you know, language, yeah, that would never have been allowed," then my body scans itself when I have a tantrum that I'm witnessing for my kid. And then here's actually the most, uh, I really think the most compassionate and game-changing part. It's not okay that I yell at my kid, definitely not, and yet my body is essentially saying, "Oh, I'm trying to help my kid." I'm like, "No, shut that down. That is so dangerous." Now, I'm still living in 1975 when it was dangerous for me (laughs) , right? But my body is actually trying to help the situation.

Mel Robbins 19:58 So let me see if I can understand that.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 19:59 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 20:00 So if you are

Mel Robbins 20:03 an adult now and your child is upset that you did not cut it, uh, the sandwich into fourths, in triangles, which I completely understand. We were sort of the, like, Sticks-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 20:16 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 20:16 ... with no crust at our house. How dare you do anything else?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 20:20 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 20:20 And your child starts to get overwhelmed and stressed. It then triggers this stored experience for you. So you are still in your 1976 body.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 20:31 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 20:32 Are you now just repeating what you saw the adults do?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 20:37 In a way. So I'm extremely inspired by internal family systems-

Mel Robbins 20:41 Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 20:41 ... and Dick Schwartz way of understanding the mind and our body. And what he really explains so well is when we have an experience as a kid, and many, not one, where we essentially learn, "This part of me, the part that gets overwhelmed and doesn't yet have the skills to manage those overwhelm feelings, so they just explode out-"

Mel Robbins 21:00 Yup.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 21:00 "... as a volcano," if that part is really what I would say is non-conducive with attachment, I don't get... It's not like I need my parent to say, "Tantrum away," but I don't get presence. I don't get compassion. I just get yelled at. I need to develop, okay, and stay with me here, a different part of myself that shuts down that part. So I literally develop a different part that's like, "Becky, you ungrateful kid. You are too much. Stop doing this." And that's actually called in IFS language a protector part. It sounds mean, but I think we all understand, like, its function early on is to protect me.

Mel Robbins 21:37 Yeah.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 21:37 Because at least if I do that to myself and almost shame myself, at least then I don't get the wrath of my parent, or I don't get sent to my room. I don't get hit, or I don't get this awful punishment.

Mel Robbins 21:46 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 21:46 And so it's helping me adapt, n- and so it's helping me shut down-

Mel Robbins 21:50 A part of you.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 21:51 ... a part of me. Now fast forward to 2022. What a trigger really is, and by the way, not only with our kids, with a partner, with anyone at work, is I think we see a part of someone that we had to learn to shut down harshly-

Mel Robbins 22:07 Yeah.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 22:08 ... in our self. And then that protector part in us, it really does, it comes to, like, the CEO seat of the board table. It's like, "I got this, guys." Like, "I got this," right? And then our kid or our coworker, they kind of become like a pawn in our game. We, we, we act out on them what we had to learn-

Mel Robbins 22:27 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 22:27 ... to act on ourselves.

Mel Robbins 22:28 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 22:29 And, and the most empowering shift, okay, is we often, when things trigger us, we look to shut down someone else and kind of make them more like us. "I would never have this explosive emotion," or, "I would never..." You know, with, like, a whine. Why is whining so triggering to me? It just represents, like, helplessness.

Mel Robbins 22:46 Hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 22:46 And, "I grew up in a pull-up-your-bootstraps family, and I would never be a puddle-"

Mel Robbins 22:49 Big girl panties-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 22:50 Exactly.

Mel Robbins 22:50 ... is my family, yeah.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 22:51 Exactly. Then if you really want to work on your triggers, the question we have to ask ourselves is not, "How can I make this person like me," but, "What am I seeing in someone else that I need to be inspired by, that I need to actually grow that part in myself?"

Mel Robbins 23:09 So let's take... Let's walk through some triggers.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 23:11 Yes.

Mel Robbins 23:12 So let's take... You were talking about whining.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 23:15 Yep. Perfect.

Mel Robbins 23:16 Which is a cry for help. So what is the part... So when you go... So what is the exercise we go through for ourselves as adults to let these moments that are

Mel Robbins 23:28 triggering us-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 23:29 Yup.

Mel Robbins 23:30 ... become a moment to repair things or rewire things? Or what word would you use?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 23:35 Great. Tha- both of those, right? So because th- the truth is with our trigger moments, we often think, "Yeah, I have to repair with my kid. I don't like that I yelled at them." But what you're onto, Mel, which is so true, is first we have to repair with ourselves.

Mel Robbins 23:45 Yes.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 23:46 We have to do both, right? So probably my most popular workshop I do, shockingly, is called My Triggers Workshop. So it's, it's 75 minutes with, like, a whole step-by-step process, but I can get into some of it here. So the first step is in a calm moment-... kind of asking ourselves a version of, "What is my most generous interpretation of this trigger event in someone else?" We always come up with the least generous interpretation with a trigger. "My kid's pathetic. My kid's so helpless. My kid's so annoying with whining," right? It's easy to come up with this.

Mel Robbins 24:16 What about anxiety? 'Cause that's a big trigger for me, like my daughters... My son not so much anymore, but, um, our d- one of our daughters in particular is Little Mel, and there is intense coming at me. I am text, like 15 texts in a row when she's nervous about something, and then the second I answer the question, it's, "Wow, you're not right," and then hang up.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 24:39 Yep.

Mel Robbins 24:40 And that is deeply triggering.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 24:44 To you?

Mel Robbins 24:44 Yes.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 24:45 So, is it the texts that are triggering? Is it the, "You're not helping me" that's triggering? Which is the worst part? Or the whole arc?

Mel Robbins 24:53 The whole arc of it-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 24:54 The whole, the who-

Mel Robbins 24:54 ... is so, like, un... It's just like this... I feel like a punching bag almost.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 25:00 Yeah. So, I guess the question I would ask myself there is like, "Okay, so what's my most generous interpretation of what my daughter's doing?" Just so I can start to see my kid as a teammate, so we can be against this pattern together that doesn't work for either of us. Instead of me looking at my child like, "They are the enemy and they are the problem." So I think, for example, you might say to soften it-

Mel Robbins 25:22 Oh, you know what just, what just got me there-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 25:24 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 25:24 ... is the word "enemy". Like, I feel like there was an experience as a kid that if I did something that upset my mom, I was the enemy.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 25:41 Yes. Yes, and I think that's for so many of our trigger moments. Actually, we can be... When you ask yourself, "What's the most generous interpretation of someone's behavior?" I think this is the big framework shift that I think is the most important in any relationship where there's conflict, is we go from sitting across from someone and looking at them like they're the problem to sitting on the same side as the table as someone and looking together at the problem.

Mel Robbins 26:07 Mm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 26:08 So I always think about that, or I try to. Like am I looking at my kid like they're the problem? Or can I reframe what's happening so I feel like it's me and my kid against a problem?

Mel Robbins 26:16 Mm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 26:17 So can we be together against helpless whining? Versus, am I looking at my kid like a helpless, annoying kid who's just bothering me? Can I look at my kid, like, "Wow, something important is happening with anxiety and it's tricky to figure out. It's tricky for us to figure out something that's going to be helpful." Versus, "Does my kid come and vomit her anxiety and then reject me and that's just annoying?" I promise as long as we're in that second mindset, nothing's gonna be useful, just 'cause like we don't like our kid when we think about them that way. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 26:46 So true.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 26:47 Right?

Mel Robbins 26:47 I, well, I love the reframe of bring them to your side of the table.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 26:52 Yes.

Mel Robbins 26:52 What do you do if you're a kid that grew up with somebody who was wildly controlling? What you wore, how you dressed, "Go hug your uncle. No, you're doing sports."

Dr. Becky Kennedy 27:02 What would I say to that kid?

Mel Robbins 27:03 How do you ha- like if you're now the adult-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 27:06 Yeah. Who was that kid?

Mel Robbins 27:07 Yes. Because what I wanna focus on are kind of the, the, the top experiences that you experience as a child, right? So one would be overly sensitive like I was. Overly worried, overly needy, over- like, like I was just a super sensitive kid, okay? And when you're a super sensitive kid that feels separate and unsafe emotionally-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 27:33 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 27:33 ... and you, uh, don't get those needs met, it develops into a certain type of adult.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 27:41 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 27:42 When you are a kid that is controlled by a parent you develop into certain types of patterns as an adult. When you have a parent that is, uh, emotionally abusive, either weeks of the silent treatment or struggling with their own mental illness or they're not there for long periods of time, that develops certain coping mechanisms as a kid, and what I love about what you're saying is, so many of us have experiences inside our emotional, uh, life of being separate.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 28:16 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:17 And what I would love to hear you help us with is as you're starting to realize as, you know, we listen to you and dig into your work, Dr. Becky, that this is very, very normal and it's also a huge opportunity-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 28:32 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:33 ... for you to take control of your adult life and your adult experience which then completely changes how you parent and how you love another adult and how you show up at work. Like I'm sitting here thinking one of the biggest things that, uh, a lot of women write in to me about in the work landscape is just feeling terrified about speaking up.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 28:52 Yep.

Mel Robbins 28:53 And that's directly tied to you being shut down as a kid.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 28:56 I mean, 100%. Now, this is my favorite topic to talk about is, especially for women, our relationship with desire. All tantrums are

Dr. Becky Kennedy 29:03 and meltdowns are explosions of desire. That's what they are. You want something badly and your parents, you know, and something gets in the way of having it. I wanted my grilled cheese cut in a way and what we so often do as a parent is we shut it down. We're like-

Mel Robbins 29:16 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 29:16 ... "You're being ridiculous," but what a kid learns is my desire is unsafe. My desire. And I actually think about this a lot with, with... I, I have two boys and one daughter, I think about all of them but I think about it a lot with my daughter. How can I help her learn regulation skills while preserving access to desire? And I think that, yeah, desire in terms of asking for a raise, desire in terms of sex, desire in terms of am I allowed to want things for myself, right? That's what I think all of us adults are trying to like reclaim.

Mel Robbins 29:43 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 29:44 Right? Am I allowed to want things even when it makes someone else upset is another-

Mel Robbins 29:47 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 29:47 Right? And most of us, me too, early on learned to quote, "Be a good girl," which just means I have learned that I had to for my survival, to be adaptive, pay more attention to what others wanted of me than what I might want for myself.So, what's the process of reclaiming that? Like, yeah. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 30:10 Can I ask one more question before we go into reclaiming? 'Cause this is a huge area.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 30:15 Yes. Huge topic.

Mel Robbins 30:15 Because we're now also stepping into people-pleasing

Mel Robbins 30:20 and stepping into perfectionism-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 30:22 All of it.

Mel Robbins 30:22 ... and stepping into overthinking-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 30:25 Yep.

Mel Robbins 30:25 ... and questioning yourself-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 30:27 Yep.

Mel Robbins 30:28 ... and the inability to take risks.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 30:29 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 30:30 And this is particularly true for women.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 30:33 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 30:33 And this fear of being seen, and I see exactly what you're saying, that it is tied to a deep-seated belief that you don't deserve to be seen, or that you're- the stuff that you want doesn't matter.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 30:48 Well, e- 'cause you're- you learned early on that whenever you were most in contact with your want, with your desires, it endangered your relationships.

Mel Robbins 30:59 Can you give us just a couple examples that really bring it home-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 31:04 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 31:04 ... for people that are like, "Wait, what are you talking-"

Dr. Becky Kennedy 31:05 So here's a great example, 'cause I also think we do this, like, black-and-white thing where like, oh, so I just let my kid have the tantrum, like we, we give ourselves buckets. So let's say you're in the toy store with your kid, I think this is a perfect example, and you're like, "We're just going to the store to get a birthday present for your cousin," okay?

Mel Robbins 31:18 Yes. (laughs)

Dr. Becky Kennedy 31:19 Something like that, and you're like, "Okay, this is gonna go well," and then of course it doesn't go well. Your kid has a meltdown because they want the Lego set, and you don't- you don't want to get it for them, wasn't your plan. So when we say to our kid, "What is wrong with you? Like I told you we were here for your cousin. Can you ever focus on someone else?" My kid doesn't learn anything except wanting things for myself is bad and wrong, period. Now, the opposite isn't good either. "Oh, okay, I mean, I gue- I guess we'll get you that Lego set and that's okay." I mean, if you want to get the Lego set for your kid, obviously get the Lego set, but if your plan wasn't to get it and you didn't want to get it... Actually, that's another tricky message for your kid. A kid learns, my wants and needs are so overpowering to me, but wow, they just made my sturdy leader become not so sturdy and changed their mind.

Mel Robbins 32:05 Right. Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 32:05 That's actually also dangerous. Here's where the in between is, "Oh, it's so hard to be in a toy store and see all these fun things and not get anything." Of course you want that Lego, it's normal to want things. It's actually awesome that you know what you want, you know you want this Lego. Here's the thing, I can take a picture of it, there will be a time, whether it's Christmas or Hanukkah or your birthday that something's coming up, "We're not going to get it today, sweetie. It's just not one of those days where we're gonna buy you an extra thing. I know that's so hard." And so what my kid learns there is, my parent sees the want-

Mel Robbins 32:42 Hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 32:42 ... under the meltdown. I didn't become a bad kid, I became a kid who's a good kid who wants something for myself, and that's just a hard thing to want something and not have it. I'm preserving access to my desire while I still have a very boundaried, sturdy leader.

Mel Robbins 33:00 Hmm. How do you, as an adult, reclaim that access to desire and repair this?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 33:11 I think starting, and I think for anything we're trying to shift, it's actually hugely helpful to our circuits, to our body, to just start with, like, the things that I struggle with today, they were all adaptations. That's why I- that's actually why I don't like diagnoses as a psychologist, it's why I don't love the word symptoms. I think it's like kind of this cruel thing we do to people, that we're like, yeah, wow, you were really crafty as a kid and learned to adapt, and now we're gonna slam a- whack a label that, like, is pretty mean on you. Like, what's wrong with you?

Mel Robbins 33:41 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 33:42 You know? And I do feel like there's something in our body that's like, "Hey, can you recognize (laughs) like, everything I did for you?" You know, like, okay, maybe I don't work for you anymore, but like, I need some credit, right? It's like anything else in life, right? You have to say to an employee at your table, like, "That's a great idea, we're gonna hold that for next quarter." Right? And if you only say to them, "No, no, no," they- they just get louder and louder. They want to be seen too. They don't necessarily need-

Mel Robbins 34:04 Or they shut down.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 34:05 Or they shut down, and it comes out in another way.

Mel Robbins 34:07 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 34:08 So I think actually there's something to saying. There's not something, there's so much to saying. I have a phrase I always use for myself: thank you for your years of service. Like I- I think, you know, when I'm struggling with something, so if someone's now like, "Yeah, I have this time and I'm trying to, like, do stuff for myself and figure out what I want, and all that happens is I have a panic attack, it's so hard to know what I want." Just to put your hand on your heart and s- and even say to that feeling, like, "This must have been adaptive early on to actually not know what I want, and it's frustrating for me now, and still, like, I appreciate the way that you help keep me safe for probably 18 years."

Mel Robbins 34:49 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 34:50 Like that was really meaningful. And then I could continue (laughs) , "I'm gonna try little experiments here and there. You're gonna resist. You're gonna tell me I'm being selfish. You're gonna tell me this is stupid. You're gonna tell me I'm not good at things. That's okay, that's your role. But now that I know that, like, I'm gonna show you over time that- that we're safer now to- to try different things." Like, and if someone's listening being like, "Do you actually mean I should say that to myself?" Like, I literally mean you should actually put your hand on your heart and say those words inside your head, or actually just say them out loud. And if you start tearing, that would be completely normal, or if you're tearing now, completely normal. And I- I often think these tears we have, they're like tears of relief from, yeah, like an inner child in us that have- that's been waiting to hear a certain message. Right? We have to honor the things that hold us back in the way that they used to help us before those things are willing to a little bit release themselves.

Mel Robbins 35:52 How do you, how do you start to figure this out? Do you start with the triggers, like wherever you feel that alarm or that sort of discomfort in your body?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 35:59 Yeah, I think that's a great place to start, especially if you have a visceral reaction,

Dr. Becky Kennedy 36:03 right?

Mel Robbins 36:03 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 36:03 Because often what we do after we have a trigger is we blame ourselves. "I'm a horrible person," or if it's, "I messed up my kids forever. I'm an awful person. I'm a monster." So what we do-... is we actually repeat-

Mel Robbins 36:14 (exhales)

Dr. Becky Kennedy 36:14 ... the pattern that got us there. We add aloneness and self-alienation-

Mel Robbins 36:18 Mm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 36:18 ... and self-blame, and that's actually the experience of shame. Shame used to be an adaptive emotion when we were kids. Shame stops us in our tracks from being in a part of ourselves that would've been met with distance.

Mel Robbins 36:33 Yeah.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 36:33 So it's trying to help us out, but shame really does, it, it's a freeze state. So every time now we add on shame and blame, we add a frozenness, and most people I know who want to change are like, "Yeah, change isn't conducive with freeze. It's conducive with movement." You have to... So it's interesting. People say, especially after you yell at your kids or something, like, "Oh, but I feel like if I treat myself with compassion or something, I'm, like, letting myself off the hook." If you wanna let yourself off the hook for change, shame and blame yourself, because that will make it impossible to change. Impossible.

Mel Robbins 37:06 Well, it's interesting what you're saying about the fact that when you pile on-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 37:09 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 37:10 ... after you've been triggered, and you make yourself wrong for having this stored, memorized-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 37:16 Yes.

Mel Robbins 37:16 ... adap- adaptive reaction, whether it's to withdraw or to yell or to blame or whatever, that when you said the piece about you're alone-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 37:27 Yes.

Mel Robbins 37:28 ... I think this also contributes to why so many of us feel lonely and feel separate the older we get.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 37:38 (exhales)

Mel Robbins 37:38 That we have spent so long, um, and it sounds like almost from childhood, adapting to situations that we didn't quite understand, and then we continue to do it and continue to do it and continue to do it, and so you feel like just isolated, you know, with yourself. But all we really want is love. Like, I know that your whole premise is we are all good inside. I believe the same is true. I always say, "First of all, anybody is capable of changing, and second, just assume good intent. Before you freaking pile on somebody, just assume good intent." Easier said than done.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 38:19 And about yourself, assume good intent, right?

Mel Robbins 38:22 That's probably the piece I missed.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 38:24 That's hard. Like, I didn't wanna yell at my kid. I didn't wanna yell at my daughter. Like, nobody... I don't know any parent who's like, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna eviscerate my child." (laughs) Like, no one wants to do that, and, and then it doesn't make it, quote, "okay" that you did it. But I always think we just ask the wrong questions. People are like, "So it's okay?" It's like, no, it's not okay or not okay. It happened. Now we just have a choice of if we wanna be effective in change, period. It's not about evaluating it as okay or not okay. The thing already happened. Like, is it okay that our car crashed? No one would say that. You're like, "Well, the car crashed." Okay, now what? Right? And yeah, I think assuming positive intent about ourselves actually leaves us on the hook for change because we can see we're a good person who did not a good thing, and then we actually have the energy to be curious, right? And I think that's where we change, when we're cur-... "Okay, so I yelled at my kid. Okay, something happened. My kid complained about the dinner I made." But I think a question we often have to ask ourselves about a trigger is not, "Where did the pathway end in a trigger?" but, "Where did that pathway start?" Right? (laughs) Like, do I have any time to myselves? Where do I practice meeting my own needs? Do I need more help at dinnertime, right? That, I can't wait 'til I get to the point and tell any human-

Mel Robbins 39:34 Well, let's just take this-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 39:35 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 39:35 ... 'cause we're, we're getting close to you needing to blaze-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 39:39 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 39:39 ... to go teach everybody about mom rage. Um, so let's just take this specific example-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 39:44 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 39:44 ... and break down the tools.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 39:47 Great.

Mel Robbins 39:47 Because I want everyone listening to be able to walk out of this not only empowered around what these emotional triggers are trying to teach you, but to also have a couple concrete steps to take today-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 40:02 Yup.

Mel Robbins 40:03 ... so that they can start to do the repair, because I agree with you that if you start to repair yourself, if you start to become whole, that is going to be the best way to improve your marriage, to improve the way that you impact the team at work, to improve your relationship with your kids, to improve everything.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 40:25 Everything.

Mel Robbins 40:27 So you're at dinner.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 40:28 Yup.

Mel Robbins 40:28 You're cooking dinner.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 40:29 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 40:30 And describe a situation, and then tell us what we should do.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 40:35 Great. So you're cooking dinner. You put it on the table. You probably had a really stressful day managing a million different things, and then you put dinner on the table, and your kid says, you know, "Aw, chicken again? I hate chicken." (laughs) Okay, right. Ooh, you know? And you just go off, you know? Like, "You're so ungrateful," and-

Mel Robbins 40:55 "Why don't you cook dinner?"

Dr. Becky Kennedy 40:56 Exactly. "Why don't you cook dinner? You're so spoiled and-"

Mel Robbins 40:57 "Maybe your father should cook dinner." Yes.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 40:59 Exactly. You just go off. Okay, so what can we do? All right, so number one, I want everyone to actually form a sentence that starts like this: I am a good parent who. And here's why that sentence is so important. What we all do to ourselves and our kids is we collapse behavior into

Dr. Becky Kennedy 41:23 identity.

Mel Robbins 41:23 Mm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 41:24 "I did a bad thing," becomes, "I'm a bad person."

Mel Robbins 41:26 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 41:27 "My kid did a bad thing" means "I have a bad kid." And then we can't tolerate the thought that we have a bad kid 'cause it makes us feel like a bad parent, and then we act everything out, right? When you say to yourself, "I am a good parent who," and then you insert a behavior-

Mel Robbins 41:37 Let's do person. I'm a good person-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 41:39 Yes, perfect.

Mel Robbins 41:40 ... since there's those of you that-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 41:40 I'm a good-

Mel Robbins 41:42 ... I'm a good per-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 41:42 I'm a good person who yelled at my kid. I'm a good person who hasn't worked out for a week even though I told myself I'd work out daily, as an example. Okay? When you say, "I am a good person who," you reclaim your good identity-

Mel Robbins 41:57 Hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 41:58 ... and can separate that from a behavior that frankly is probably just not in line with your own values. Like, if you wanna work out, it's just not in line with your values that you didn't work out. If you don't wanna yell at your kids, it's not in line with your own values that you did, and we miss that when we go into, "I'm a horrible human being. If anyone saw me, they would, you know-

Mel Robbins 42:18 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 42:18 ... they would think I'm a monster."

Mel Robbins 42:19 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 42:19 So that is a really powerful sentence to practice every day, and you could practice it at night, looking back on a moment you weren't proud of.

Mel Robbins 42:27 Mm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 42:28 "I'm a good person who-"... got mad at my partner when I was really stressed about my day. It actually allows you to repair with your partner, because you can only repair from a place of feeling like a good person. 'Cause if you're instead in bad person mode, as we know, all of our energy collapses into ourselves-

Mel Robbins 42:47 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 42:47 ... to be defensive, 'cause it's just too, uh, intolerable. So, I am a good person who... And if you do have kids, it is game changing to say that. "I have a good kid who's saying I hate you to me a lot." Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, but they're still a good kid. "Why... Oh, why'd they say that? Why would I say that? That's interesting, because I have a shitty ki-... No, no, no, wait, I have a good kid. I have a good kid who's saying I hate you." We, we activate curiosity with that sentence.

Mel Robbins 43:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 43:13 It's so powerful. So that's step one. Step two is what I call double repair. Repair is the single most important strategy to get good at as a human. I really, really would, you know, put my, put my signature on that. And if you think about what that means, is if you are supposed to practice getting good at repair, you have permission to keep doing the thing you need to repair for, 'cause the only way you can practice (laughs) repair is if you do that thing. So sure, take, I said it, you know? "Dr. Becky said I had to yell at you, honey, because I, I have to practice repair." It's gonna happen. So repair really allows us to add in all the elements to our own body and our kid's body that we're missing in the first place. 'Cause when you go back first to yourself, right? And let's say it's after that dinner incident, and you say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm a good p- person who yelled at my kid. Okay, wait, I'm a good person who yelled at my kid. I didn't mess up my kid forever. I can do this." Right? You kind of reclaim that goodness.

Mel Robbins 44:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 44:13 And then you can go to your kid and essentially say, or maybe it's your partner, "Hey," name the incident, right, "I yelled at you earlier." Number two, explicitly say, and this is important, "It's never your fault when I yell at you." Kids especially have to hear that, 'cause if we don't tell them something's not their fault, they wire self-blame just to gain control and safety in the situation. And we don't want one more generation of people who's wired with self-blame when they struggle.

Mel Robbins 44:38 Yeah.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 44:39 "It's never your fault when I yell." And I know there's a part of everyone who's like, "But it kind of was their fault, and then they said..."

Mel Robbins 44:44 (laughs)

Dr. Becky Kennedy 44:44 You know, it's not. Again, we respond to our own body. Now, if you wanna say to them tomorrow, 24 hours at least later, "Hey, I wonder, you know, what we could do about dinner, if you could, you know, tell me the foods you like? Or, "I wonder what you could say to me if you don't like what I serve?" Because of course you're allowed to not like something, there's just a lot of ways of saying it. That's a separate conversation.

Mel Robbins 45:03 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 45:03 Totally separate. So name what happened, say it's not their fault, and then say something like this. "I'm sure that felt scary. (laughs) You were right to feel that way. And just like you have feelings we're trying to help you manage, I do too. And I promise to work on them more. It's not only important in my parenting, it's just important for myself." Repair. Repair changes the direction of your own and your kids' or your partners' circuitry. It is so powerful. And then I think number three, I think if we think about, I call it like the

Dr. Becky Kennedy 45:35 road to reactivity. Like if the, if the last part of the road is yelling at my kids about dinner, right? That's the end of the road. As long as I'm on the road, I'm gonna go there. And actually the key is to wonder, what signs do I have that I'm starting that road? Because we often say, like people say to me, they're like, "Okay, so what am I supposed to do when, you know, no one helped me with this, and then I did this, and then my three kids did this, and then this happened. How do I not yell?" I'm like, "I have no idea." Okay? I just think we're, we have to upgrade your question. I think we have to upgrade your question.

Mel Robbins 46:07 What would the upgraded question be?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 46:09 I think the upgraded question is when did I start down a pathway that ended in me feeling depleted and unworthy? When, once I get to depleted, un- unworthy, then of course my kid commenting-

Mel Robbins 46:21 All bets are off.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 46:21 ... about my food triggers every feeling I have. And maybe it starts, "Oh, you know what? I did tell myself I wasn't gonna commit to like any more PTA meetings, and I did sign up and I spent my whole day in this meeting I didn't wanna be in." Or, "I did tell myself I'm gonna sleep in one of the days this weekend."

Mel Robbins 46:37 "And I didn't do it."

Dr. Becky Kennedy 46:38 "And I didn't do it," right?

Mel Robbins 46:39 So let me ask you this as a final question-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 46:41 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 46:41 ... 'cause I know so many of my listeners and your listeners struggle with this.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 46:48 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 46:48 So that is beautiful, doable-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 46:52 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 46:53 ... actionable three-step advice when you do it to someone else. Let's say the issue that somebody starts to uncover is the fact that you're giving up on yourself.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 47:04 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 47:05 And so let's say-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 47:08 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 47:08 ... that you are gonna make a commitment, that you're just going to promise to get up in the morning and you're gonna meditate, or you're gonna promise to get up in the morning and you're gonna go for a walk.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 47:19 Yep.

Mel Robbins 47:19 And you continually don't keep the promise to yourself. What are the steps to not only repair that abandonment of self-

Dr. Becky Kennedy 47:29 Yep.

Mel Robbins 47:30 ... but to also empower you to start keeping a promise to yourself?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 47:36 So I think what I'd say there is we wanna get curious about a part of ourself that clearly is kind of taking over the driver's seat. So right now if you're saying, "I really do wanna get up and take a walk in the morning," and, and I think this is an important step, say, is that really put from a place of shame and guilt or from a place of living in alignment with my values? If it's from shame and guilt, "Oh, I'm a horrible lazy person," yeah, no one ever motivates from that place. So I think we have to ask ourselves that question. If it's like, "No, like I just know it makes me feel better, like it really does, and yet I don't do it," okay, that's a good start. Then I think the next step is there's some part of me that activates in the morning and sends me some message that stops me from getting out of bed. And it's okay if I don't know what that voice is, but I'm just gonna start listening for it and being curious. And right now, if everyone even imagines this part, a key to behavior change is realizing that we have feelings or thoughts that are a part of us.... and not all of us, and they only-

Mel Robbins 48:38 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 48:38 ... become a problem when they take over all of us. So maybe it's even as simple as like, yeah, I wake up and there's a part of me that's like, "Oh, I'm so tired, I can't do this."

Mel Robbins 48:48 Were you in bed with me this morning?

Dr. Becky Kennedy 48:49 I- I was, yeah.

Mel Robbins 48:50 (laughs)

Dr. Becky Kennedy 48:50 Um, so many, so many-

Mel Robbins 48:51 Yeah.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 48:51 ... (laughs) um, right? So there's this part.

Mel Robbins 48:54 Yeah.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 48:55 And then what's really key is we often think we have to shut down that part or shoo it away.

Mel Robbins 48:59 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 48:59 Going back to aloneness is always the problem.

Mel Robbins 49:01 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 49:01 That part's just looking for a magnet.

Mel Robbins 49:03 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 49:03 Once a part of us or a feeling has a magnet and a partner, it actually is no longer as powerful. It gets cushioned. So it's the difference between saying, "I know I'm tired, but other people do this and you're so lazy." No. Versus, "Hi, tired part." Literally saying hi to it. "Hi, tired part. You always activate first in the morning. Here's the thing, I know you're real and you're tired and you're a part of me, not all of me. And I know there's also another part somewhere in there, she's just quieter right now, (laughs) saying, 'I can- I can do hard things. I can do hard things.'" And even if I don't kind of activate her now, uh, maybe tomorrow morning she'll get a little bit louder just 'cause she hears me saying, "Even though I can't hear you, I know you're- I know you're there." And there's something about telling ourselves when we're struggling-

Mel Robbins 49:56 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 49:57 ... that that part is real. Right? That's why we say hi to it. So we're validating its- its existence, but then reminding it it's a part of us and not all of us. This is something, this is gonna sound so cheesy. My five-year-old does this at night when he's worried. We've taught him 'cause he-

Mel Robbins 50:11 I don't think it sounds cheesy at all.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 50:12 He talks to his ... He calls it his Worry Boy, about the things he's worried. "Hi, Worry Boy. You always get loud at night and you tell me the things I'm worried about and you're a part of me." I'm gonna cry. And he goes, "Not all of me. And I also have ... I'm Safe Boy and I have Happy Memories Boy and I'm just gonna listen to him a little bit right now." And I always think for my son, like, I feel like that's gonna make him like, quote, succeed in the real ways in life more than anything he learns in school.

Mel Robbins 50:39 Of course.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 50:39 Like, it's incredible. I'm like, wow, he's wired that at age five. Like, I'm working on that now. So that language, and we can walk through it a little bit, start by greeting it, say hi to it. And- and there's like a humor I like to have. You know, like, "Oh, I could have predicted you would pop up. There you are again. It's always the first thing. Okay, like you're kind of a broken ..." 'Cause those voices, they are kind of broken records, like they're boring.

Mel Robbins 50:58 Right.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 50:59 It's like, "Oh, yep."

Mel Robbins 50:59 And then they're heavy and ugh.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 51:01 Yeah, yeah. There's the heaviness. "Okay. You know what you're gonna do now? Now you're gonna convince me I can just start tomor- Oh, yep. That's what happened. Yep, yep, yep. I got it. I got it. Okay. Hi. I hear you." And this is IFS language part of this too. There's something to saying to those parts, "I hear you and I'm just gonna ask you to step back. I'm gonna ask you to step back and just to make a little space for a part of me that can activate even when I'm tired." And it's so respectful.

Mel Robbins 51:28 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 51:29 And it's so empowering and it puts you back in the driver's seat with these different parts instead of having a part that takes over.

Mel Robbins 51:37 It's so loving.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 51:38 It's so loving.

Mel Robbins 51:40 Dr. Becky, you are so good.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 51:44 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 51:44 So good inside and out.

Dr. Becky Kennedy 51:47 Well, I ... This is a good disclaimer. Like, whenever my husband hears my podcast or anything, he's like, "Please let people know that you love talking about these things 'cause you're working on them."

Mel Robbins 51:55 (laughs)

Dr. Becky Kennedy 51:55 "Not because you're that good at them." So this has been helpful for me too, for all my parts, and this is why I love these conversations. So thank you.

Mel Robbins 52:02 Thank you. Wow. Okay. I learned so much from that. I, uh, hope you got as much as I got out of that. I know you're gonna have a bazillion questions, so make sure you go to melrobbins.com. We also have all kinds of resources there for you, including Dr. Becky's book. We also have links to her website. I've got a bunch of other resources linked there, studies that you may wanna check out. And finally, in case nobody else tells you this today, I wanna tell you that I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to repair the crap that went down in your childhood, find the good inside of you, and go create a better life. I'll see you soon. (instrumental music) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah!