The Mel Robbins Podcast5 Easy Tips to Reduce Conflict With the Ones You Love | Mel Robbins Podcast [ENCORE]
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
125 min read · 25,457 words- 0:00 – 3:52
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
(ticking clock) (upbeat music) You ever noticed that right before you're about to go on vacation, there is a mandatory screaming match that you have to have with one another as you're loading the car? It begs the question, how do you get to the point where you can have open communication with your family? How can you express your boundaries? I thought it would be pretty cool if I took you behind the scenes into a private conversation that Chris and I had with our three kids. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Woo! I don't know why I was all excited in that open right there. I even threw in a "Woo!" 'Cause I'm a little (laughs) annoyed right now. I wanna talk to you about this phenomenon that happens with your family, probably happens with your roommates too. Have you ever noticed that right before you're about to go on vacation or you're going on some sort of family road trip, there is a mandatory screaming match that you have to have with one another as you're loading the car? Have you ever noticed that? That you're about to take off and go do something amazing together, we're about to go down to one of our favorite places on the planet and spend some time at the beach, and it never fails. The night before we leave, it is a complete shitshow, to the point where you question whether or not you even wanna go on vacation. And I don't know what this is about, so let me tell you (laughs) what happened. So last night, we were busy packing up the house, and, um, I don't know how your family does it, but I like to stage things. So, I turn the dining room table and the kitchen counters, uh, into the kind of landing strip for all of the things that we're gonna do, and I also, uh, feel like I need to take everything that is in the cabinets with us, and in the fridge, like the half-drunk carton of milk, because I figure, why buy it down there when we can just load it in the car and finish it up? So, I'm kinda busy doing that, and of course, we were trying to, uh, record a bunch more podcast episodes, so I'm running up, uh, the stairs to the studio, and then I come back downstairs and pack a few things, and, um, that's how the afternoon was going. Everything seemed to be fine. You know, my kids are packing their stuff up. Chris is packing his stuff up. Uh, we're starting the pile for all the dogs' things, their crates, their leashes, their dog bowls, the dog food, and we sit down to have dinner, and Chris, who is, thank God, the trip leader and the planner in our family, goes, "Okay, so let's talk about logistics tomorrow. Uh, we can take the house that we're renting over at noon. It's approximately four-hour drive from, you know, where we are, so what time do people think they want to leave?" And so, Oakley and Kendall, our 22 and our 18-year-old, immediately go, "We wanna leave at nine o'clock in the morning." And Chris gives them that sort of blank look where his mouth is wide open, and you can see him calculating, "There's no way in hell you're leaving at eight, nine o'clock in the morning. That's not happening," 'cause first of all, you sleep until 8:45, so you're not leaving at nine o'clock. And so, he starts to basically say, "That's fine, but I'm gonna have a long list of things that we need to do in order to kinda leave and to get ready and to pack up the stuff." Wait till you hear this. (laughs) And all of a sudden, Kendall turns to me. I love you, Kendall, if you're listening to this. But she turns to me, and
- 3:52 – 12:30
My daughter recently schooled me in a conversation about boundaries.
- MRMel Robbins
she says, "Can I just say something?" Um, "Sure." "Um, if you're expecting us to, to, to load your car, Mom, then, uh, you gotta have all your stuff packed up tonight." And I just paused. The old me would have erupted back and started arguing, because I had not been practicing any of the nervous system (laughs) regulation we talk about on the Mel Robbins Podcast. I just took a deep breath. I witnessed her getting agitated, and I said, "Okay," and then I said something smart. "I don't believe I asked you to load my car." And she said, "Well, you know, what ends up happening all the time is that, you know, you ask us to do stuff in the morning, and then you're not ready, and then we're all waiting around for you," (fast-forwarding sounds) . And I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help myself. I had to tug back. You know, like, in a tug-of-war rope game thing, it's, you know, it doesn't feel like a game when you're doing the tug of war in life with words, but I yanked back, and I was like, "Listen, I'ma tell you something. I am the one that writes the check for the house that we are renting, and the person that writes the check does not do the same damn jobs that the unemployed college graduate and high school student are doing. So, please, do not tell me what I am supposed to be doing in order for your life to be easier, because I have a different job than you have." I gotta give her some props, 'cause she didn't back down. You know what she said? She said, "Mom, money does not define your value, so do not throw that money in my face, and by the way, you rent the house and write the check because you wanna be there too. So, that is not a fair argument. All I am asking is that you get yourself ready tonight so that if you want our help tomorrow morning, we are ready to help you, because Oakley and I are leaving at 10 o'clock." Now, it was really interesting, because...I gotta hand it to her. I did not appreciate being sort of snarked at, but if I step in her shoes and I give her credit, I know that what she was doing is she was looking back on past experiences, and the truth is, as I have admitted to you a bazillion times in our conversations on this podcast, I'm a complete shitshow when it comes to managing my own time. I have time blindness, one of the symptoms of (laughs) ADHD in adults, where I just have a hard time, uh, organizing myself. I am always the last one in the car. Her complaint is valid. There have been oftentimes where we have left for this vacation and I'm still in the house packing. In fact, today is that day, because my kids left at 10 o'clock this morning. Chris is still running around downstairs, um, getting things together. Thank God for Chris, and I am upstairs above the garage finishing work that I should have finished yesterday, and have I packed yet? No, I haven't packed at all. In fact, I still have laundry to do. I might not even drive down to the place that we've rented at this point tonight. I don't know what the hell's going on, and I'm not worried about it. And, oh, by the way, it's like 4 o'clock in the afternoon. (sighs) Okay, I'm glad I got that off my chest. So couple things about that story I just told you. Uh, it illustrates something about our family. We, for better or for worse, have very open communication. As you noticed, Chris was extremely proactive. He called this informal family meeting over dinner the night before we're all supposed to leave in order to try to understand everybody's needs. Second, our kids, they speak up, sometimes not in a tone that I really like, and I will talk to Kendall when our emotions are not triggered about how we can be better at advocating for what we need without barking at each other. Um, the other thing that you'll notice is that our daughter had no problem basically calling me to the mat, which I think is a really good thing. I would never have done that to my mother, and I still don't do that to my mother. And if you can do it in a respectful way, I think that's a good thing, because we've gotten to the point with our kids where, like, we don't own them. They have to be able to speak up when something bothers them. They have to be able to point out something that doesn't feel fair, and if you consider the example that I gave you, I'm right when I say I'm not gonna have the same job as you. You're an unemployed college graduate, and I'm the person that has a full-time business to run, and I'm writing the check and paying for this vacation, so I'm not going to have the same job. However, I actually hadn't addressed her question, because all she had said, if you take the emotion out of it, is, "If you want help in the morning, Mom, you need to be packed tonight." And I got offended, because I'll be honest, I knew there was no way in hell I was gonna be packed at night, and so I felt like I was getting called out and made wrong. I did not hear it for what it was, which is somebody expressing boundaries. "I can help you, but only if you're packed tonight." And so she was right to call me out and say, "Mom, money does not define worth. That's not what we're talking about," and she stood her ground, and I respect that, because I wasn't ready last night. I wasn't ready this morning. I'm not even ready right now. Those kids, they left at 10 o'clock, just like Chris said they could. They did everything that Chris w- wrote on three different pages in terms of lists and things to do, and they're already down at this place we rent. Me on the other hand, it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon. I have not packed, I still have laundry to do, and I'm sitting here recording a podcast episode for you. (sighs) That's why families argue, I guess (laughs) . Oh, God. So it begs the question, how do you get to the point where you can have open communication with your family? Um, how can you express your boundaries? So many of us are at a time of year where you're gonna be going on vacation with them. My family, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and their two ki- they're showing up in a matter of five days. My parents are rolling in just six days from now. We're gonna be a family of 11 under one roof for an entire week. Wouldn't it be nice to know how to have boundaries, how to have open communication? And so here's what I thought. I thought it would be pretty cool if I took you behind the scenes and I invited you on the couch, in the TV room, into a private conversation that Chris and I had with our three kids. You're gonna hear from our daughter Sawyer, who's 24, our daughter Kendall, who's 22, and our son Oakley, who is 18, and Chris and I are gonna ask them, what did we fuck up as parents? What did we do that seemed to work, and what kinds of things have you witnessed in your friends' parents that caused your friends to stop talking to their parents and to stop trusting them? That's what we're gonna cover and a whole lot more, and so without further ado, let's head to the couch. Oh, and you, you're not going to the couch until I ask you and beg you to please subscribe. I can bring you these videos every single day because of the ad support that we get from the ads that roll on this, so please, please, please support this channel and just hit subscribe. It's free, it helps us, and it helps me bring this to you every single day, and I profoundly, profoundly, profoundly appreciate it. And this is, after all, gonna be about asking for what you need, right? And so I'm asking you for what I need, and, uh, thank you. Hit subscribe, and I love you, and now, you ready? Let's go to the couch.It was such a huge hit when Oakley introduced me, so we thought it would be fun for each one of us to introduce somebody else. Okay?
- 12:30 – 15:43
Ladies and gentlemen… my family.
- MRMel Robbins
So I'm sitting here with my husband, Chris, of 26 years. He is our rock. He's our spiritual center. You're the foundation.
- CRChris Robbins
You're the core of the earth.
- SRSawyer Robbins
(laughs)
- CRChris Robbins
We just revolve around you.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Yeah, clearly. Except Oakley's Pluto.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CRChris Robbins
What the fuck? (laughs) Let me introduce Mel Robbins. She is our tornado.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- CRChris Robbins
Our whirlwind. (laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
(laughs)
- CRChris Robbins
Our fun seeker.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Our beautiful tornado.
- CRChris Robbins
And, uh, of course, my wife. Thank you for bringing us all together. (smacks lips)
- SRSawyer Robbins
So should we do a little round robin?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- SRSawyer Robbins
I can... Like, everyone to the right.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Okay. So we have here the middle devil child-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
... Kendall Robbins. She is an amazing sister, um, an amazing singer, very dedicated, very beautiful. We love her. She is the comedian of the family. And yeah, this is... Let's give it up for Kendall Robbins. Oh, Kendall is... How old are you? Oh, she's 22 and 18 months younger than me, thank God. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And two grades below.
- SRSawyer Robbins
(laughs) Um, hello, everybody. Um, my name is Kendall. Thank you for that lovely intro, Sawyer. Um, to my right, we have the (laughs) golden child.
- OROakley Robbins
(laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
Um, uh, mini Chris. He actually doesn't have his own personality quite yet. He's trying to steal everything from my dad.
- OROakley Robbins
(laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
Um, 17?
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Okay, 17. Um, oh-
- MRMel Robbins
Born on St. Patty's Day.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Born on St. Patty's Day.
- 15:43 – 18:36
A listener asks, “Are your kids really that open in real life?”
- MRMel Robbins
and do you personally think that you have a very open relationship with me and Dad? Or how would you describe the type of relationship that you have with Dad and I? Sawyer, why don't you go first?
- SRSawyer Robbins
Um, y- to answer the question point-blank, yes, definitely very open. I tell them almost everything. And that being said, I am ex-... I consider myself extremely open. I tell them anything from work, to friend problems, to boyfriend issues, et cetera, but I think that I am actually the least open (laughs) when now looking to my two right, uh, or the, my siblings, simply because I, I think I choose what I share with them, and that is a lot, but not every single detail, which others can speak to.
- MRMel Robbins
Guilty. Guilty.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Okay, now you're up.
- MRMel Robbins
Why do you share stuff with us?
- SRSawyer Robbins
Um, I think that growing up, we always had a very open relationship, and I think one of the core things that you both instilled in all of us is, you will never ever get in trouble for telling the truth. If we were telling you completely upfront and honestly what we were doing, where we were going, who we were going with, or in general, like, what is going on in our lives, then regardless of what it was, we would never be punished for that, and I will always remember, I had an incident with my first time drinking. I drank a whole handle of vodka, and I'm the oldest, so that was my first rodeo. And I woke up in the morning, and I was petrified, puke all over myself, sleeping on the window bench. I thought I was just toast. Like, I thought I was dead meat. I was so scared. And then we all sat down on the screened in porch, and they both said to me, "We will never punish you for something that we also did as kids." And as long as you are open (laughs) and honest about-
- OROakley Robbins
(laughs) That pretty much opens the door wide open. (laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
Oh yeah, baby, I was running with gas after that. But after you guys said that, I just felt so much more at ease. Um, and my punishment that day was actually going to a lacrosse tryout, which I yakked at several times, but...Um, but then I looked at my other friends who would get in trouble and, for drinking
- 18:36 – 20:01
What we said to our daughter that knocked down barriers between us.
- SRSawyer Robbins
or for doing things we weren't allowed to, and they would immediately be grounded. They'd immediately have to stay home. They were restricted from alcohol, they were whatever. And that just kind of put a huge barrier between, I think, them and their parents, which was just, "Let's be sneaky, let's steal, let's sneak out, let's go to parties and lie about where we are." Um, when I think from very early on, you both were very vocal about, "As long as you are honest, you will not be, get in trouble." And I think that that just eliminated the barrier between us completely.
- MRMel Robbins
I think a lot of parents say that. I think that is every parent's throwaway line. "Hey, as long as you tell me the truth, you're not gonna get in trouble. As long as you call me, you're not getting in trouble." And then, in the tsunami of emotions when you get the call that your kid has blacked out, or there's been a huge party, or the police showed up, or whatever else, most parents freak out and then ground or punish.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- KRKendall Robbins
No, I disagree. I disagree. For you to say that every parent out there just makes a blanket statement that says, "Just tell us the truth and you'll be fine." Like, no way. That, that, therein lies, I think, one of the secrets, the keys to the kingdom, is inviting that truth-telling because
- 20:01 – 25:11
Here’s the #1 reason why kids don’t get honest with their parents.
- KRKendall Robbins
most people don't.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. Well, that's
- KRKendall Robbins
Right?
- SRSawyer Robbins
I agree. I agree.
- KRKendall Robbins
I actually don't think that any of my fri- I mean, I think, I think that like, it was unspoken in a lot of my friends' households growing up that like, if you tell us the truth, you won't get in trouble. But like, it wasn't actua- like, there was a difference between what they were saying and what they were doing, in terms of the parents. Like, the parents want you to tell the truth, but they're still gonna punish you. You guys want us to tell the truth, but you're not gonna punish us. Like, you actually do what you say you're gonna do, as parents.
But did you, Mel? Is that what your parents told you? 'Cause I didn't-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- KRKendall Robbins
See, I didn't get, I didn't get that from my parents. I just got the, the idea that it takes... The message to me was, it takes a long time to build trust, and it takes two seconds to shatter the trust, which is sort of, infers that tell the truth, and you're not gonna blow up relationships or leave people feeling, y- you know, sort of lost inside of the, the dynamic between the two of you.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, my number one goal as your parent, in our relationship-building, was to get you to want to come and talk to me and Dad about important topics instead of going to your dipshit friends. And, w- you know, I always thought, if you're 13, 14, 15, or 16, way better to talk through something you're thinking about or worried about or, you know, wanting to try and all that stuff with adults who will listen to you than going to other 14, 15, or 16-year-olds that don't know what the hell they're doing.
- KRKendall Robbins
I agree with that. And this was like, sort of gonna be my whole point about like, why I also have such an open relationship with my parents, (laughs) arguably too open. But-
- SRSawyer Robbins
Definitely too open.
- KRKendall Robbins
Um, yeah. Don't take notes from me.
- SRSawyer Robbins
(laughs)
- KRKendall Robbins
Um, I turned out fine, sort of. (laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
(laughs)
- KRKendall Robbins
But, um-
- MRMel Robbins
TBD.
- KRKendall Robbins
What I was gonna say is, you were just saying like, it's so much better for s- for kids at that age to like, go to their parents, who will listen to them, rather than their dipshit friends. But like, that's the issue, is that parents don't listen. And what I was gonna say, my whole point is that there's a difference between like, I think that like, my (clears throat) definition of listen as like, you guys have defined what listen means to me, and it's like, internalizing what we're saying. Like, parents all around the world can just listen to their kid be like, "I really wanna go to this party tonight," like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or like, "Can I ple-" Like, whatever it may be. "Oh, I got too drunk at this party," or, "Oh, I slept with someone before I was ready." Like, there's a difference between hearing what they're saying and actually listening and internalizing how, how it's making them feel. Like, I feel like every time we told you guys something as kids, you would actually like, empathize with us and hear us and internalize it. And in doing that, you were able to like, loosen the reins a little bit and let us fuck up and let us fail and let us... And instead of being like, "You're stupid, you're p- like, you're being punished. That was dumb," you were like, "Let's talk about it. How is it making you feel?" Blah, blah, blah.
So you're saying, in these conversations that we were having as you were growing up, you had that sense of feeling heard-
Yes.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Yes.
- KRKendall Robbins
... inside of...
Yes.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Absolutely.
- KRKendall Robbins
Oh. (laughs) My dad is bawling.
- MRMel Robbins
That's cool.
- KRKendall Robbins
Aw, Dad.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Aw.
- KRKendall Robbins
I hate when you cry. I really wasn't planning on this. But no, totally. Like, I feel like most kids don't talk to their parents because their parents don't hear them and don't listen to them. So why would they?
- SRSawyer Robbins
I think a lot of my friends, for example, whenever they would want to go on a trip or go to a party or do anything they wanna do, and they already knew in the back of their head that their parents didn't want them to or were gonna say no, they go into the conversation to talk about that and express how they're feeling. And as a kid, I think we all come from the exact same scenario where we want to explain why we want to go to this thing or go to this trip, or why we should be able to do this, et cetera. But on the other end, the parents, like, like Kendall said, may be listening, but they already have an answer in the back of their head.
- 25:11 – 32:49
This is how Chris and I think about the purpose of parenting.
- SRSawyer Robbins
most-
- MRMel Robbins
Or a lot of it.
- SRSawyer Robbins
And a lot, yeah, for sure. Yeah, okay. And (laughs) but-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
... but I think that, like, at the end of the day, like, I always felt, as a child, like, "You're equal." And I always felt like you guys-
- MRMel Robbins
What does that mean? 'Cause I know, 'cause I don't think Dad and I ever bought into the parenting philosophy of being your friends. What, what Dad and I, at least if I had to summarize the way that we think about parenting, is I think about parenting as though our job is to help you figure out who you are.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And that means learning how to think through decisions, learning how to come to terms with your own values, learning the weight of the consequences of decisions, and that the whole point of parenting is for you to grow up and leave, and go find somebody that you love as much as Dad and I love one another and go build a family. And that, and to become more of who you are. And so, we were always focused on connection first, correction dead last.
- OROakley Robbins
I feel like I'm so open because you guys were so open with me. Like, I feel like I could go to you guys, I could ask you guys something about your life, and you'd tell me. There was nothing that you really hi- hid from me. Maybe there was or maybe I was just so young that I didn't really ask, but you were very open which was super nice. And I also felt like you guys had my back, like, 100% of the time, no matter what. Um, for example, I went to camp for a month and I got bullied, and so my mom found out about it and she, like, refused to let me stay there. So she took me out a week early, which felt really nice because it showed that she cared about how I was feeling and she understood that and she acted upon it, which was really helpful for me, and it showed that she has my back. And she continued to show me that throughout the rest of my life.
- MRMel Robbins
Seeking connection with you guys required us to learn how to listen. It required us to learn how to hear your points of view even though they were often stupid or immature or dangerous or irrational or emotional or irritating. But still, to respect you enough to listen, and... No, and oftentimes, your ideas were great and we would listen and acquiesce. But the, I think you also had a sense of safety because we always had guardrails. "There's nothing you're gonna do that's dangerous. There's nothing we're gonna allow you to do that is self-destructive or destructive to other people. There is nothing that we're going to ever allow you to do that could be a situation that is deadly or discriminatory against people." And so there were guardrails and there are guardrails that we're very, very intense about. But-
- SRSawyer Robbins
But I think that your guardrails are, like, around morals and, like, who we are as human beings-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- SRSawyer Robbins
... not behavioral things.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you give an example?
- SRSawyer Robbins
Like, be a kind person. Hold the door for people. Say thank you. Ask the waiter's name. Like, those kinds of things are, like, unspoken guardrails, whereas I feel like other parents put up guardrails that are like, "No drinking on the weekends." Like, you never put up guardrails that were, like, activities or experiences or things we do. It's how we are within those experiences are where the guardrail- rails are.
- MRMel Robbins
What do most parents get wrong? Like, what are, what are some don'ts that you've seen either Dad and I do or other parents do?
- SRSawyer Robbins
Um, let your kids figure it out themself.
- OROakley Robbins
Yes.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Let, let their k- like-
- MRMel Robbins
Never with drinking and driving.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Well, yeah, yeah.
- OROakley Robbins
Obviously.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Honestly, if somebody's, like, gateway drugging their way into heroin or cocaine, or becoming an alcoholic at a young age, like, I can bet you that there, there is a massive lack of love and appreciation and being heard and being seen in their household, and it's probably coming from their parents. Hate to call you guys out, but it's probably coming from their parents.
- MRMel Robbins
It definitely is. It definitely is.
- SRSawyer Robbins
And you know what? Instead of the, like... Yeah, you find out that they're doing cocaine. That's terrifying. You f- like, that's- I can't r- even imagine what that's like as a parent. But instead of seeing that and having some rash, crazy reaction about like, "We're throwing all this out. We're putting you into this. We're putting you into therapy," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, what I think would be more impactful is, like, sitting their kid down and being like, "Can we have," like, "you're not, here's a punishment. You're not leaving this table until we actually talk this through." Because there's gotta be a lot more deep-seated issues than just this bag of white powder. Like, I'm a- I think that the issue is that, like, parents are just so quick to be like, they're so afraid of it becoming a bigger issue that they just Band-Aid on a bullet wound and just, like, put them into re- it, when, like, the real issue is the deep-seated hurt that the kid is feeling and the love that they're not getting. But I, I also want to add though that, like, for a lot of people, the parents sitting down to g- have that conversation, if m- the parent is not the actual person to talk to, then a licensed therapist is. And so it's not searching the house to get rid of all the coke and the weed to make sure they don't have any, 'cause I can assure you, we're smart, we can find it, like, anywhere.
- MRMel Robbins
This is a question from Avery, who s-
- OROakley Robbins
Hi, Avery.
- SRSawyer Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
What's up? What's happening, please?
- 32:49 – 35:32
How do you start forming a good bond with your kids at an early age?
- MRMel Robbins
by saying something or doing something wrong, and she wants to know how do you not do that, and I just wanna take a stab at this because I think one of the things that Dad and I have done well is we have screwed up. We have said things wrong, and we are not perfect, but we're really fast and good at- at apologizing and taking responsibility for the things that we do wrong or the things that we realize we regret in hindsight or for, um, doing things that may have hurt your feelings. I think that that's... Like, if you realize you're just a good person and you're doing the best that you can with whatever you got in terms of your own issues, and you're quick to take responsibility for them, I think it does show that you're open and that you're human and that you're trying, and I don't know.
- KRKendall Robbins
I agree. Dad, do you have anything-
Next question.
... to say about that?
Yeah. I- I think that there's... Uh, I mean, transparent- transparency is big, um, and sort of leading by your own example and us being willing to share what's so about us I think sets a... Uh, it's a good... It's- it's a good example that can only help in maybe a child wanting to do the same back towards their own parents, but it- it is fascinating to even in this conversation to be hearing about like things that we might think we did well or didn't do well and you having a completely different (laughs) interpretation about that-
Yeah.
... uh, because you're naturally at a different age and a differe- have a different perspective and anyway, it's... It- it sort of makes me think this is all well and good, and uh, ages and differentiation, like, that that's... Things are gonna get misinterpreted along the way.
Yeah. Uh, another big thing, Indre, I'm sorry if I'm saying your name wrong, beautiful name by the way, um, is honest communication. Like, as parents be in honest communication with each other and with your kids be in honest communication. Like, I just think-
- MRMel Robbins
What does that mean?
- KRKendall Robbins
Telling them what's going on, telling them about your day, um, making sure like... I feel like you guys were so open and honest in your communication with us and you would always tell us what was going on or why something was happening or if we asked a question, you would always tell us and I like... I think that watching you two be honest with one another, like, inspires us to wanna be honest with you, and another thing too, like, under the umbrella of honest communication is, like,
- 35:32 – 38:14
Trust us; you’re going to screw up as a parent, and it’s okay.
- KRKendall Robbins
I have so many vivid memories of, like, growing up as a family, like, sitting around the fireplace or sitting at dinner or sitting some- like, gathering. Like, you guys made such a conscious effort, whether you know it or not, to gather us as a family and to just talk about literally whatever it may be, w- the fireplace wood, evergreens, mint, food p- our- our love lives, whatever. Like, you made such a conscious effort to, like, gather us together and get us all talking and communicating with one another that, like, there were so many times when I was like, "I don't wanna fucking talk to you guys for 40 minutes at the end of dinner. I wanna go play Polly Pockets upstairs (laughs) and chew on their clothes." But... (laughs) Me and Kendall, yeah. But- but then... But now that I'm at my age, it's like those are the memories that I cherish the most and those are the- the moments that I look forward to the most which are like the con- the- the rabbit hole conversations we get down because I think as kids... I'm tr- trying to stay on track with the question, but, like, making a conscious effort to, like, talk to your kid and, like, making it like a ritualistic thing where, like, you talk to them after dinner or you're talking to them in the car and, like, whether they like it or not or whether they're showing they don't like it at that point, and maybe they won't, but, like, w-
- SRSawyer Robbins
I think that they'll really appreciate that in the long run, 'cause I know we all did. I- I think though, like, under the umbrella of honest communication, I think a massive part of that is vulnerability, because I think watching my mom and dad grow up, like, literally I've seen my dad and my mom cry and break down and not be strong and tell us what's going on in their life, how traumatic it is, how sad, how frustrating, how simple it may be, and absolutely, like, be on the ground sobbing, which I think for a kid is a little bit jarring at first to witness, like, your most idolized person as your parent be weak. But I think that watching our parents sit at the dinner table and bawl their eyes out because work didn't go well that day or because they had a hard conversation with a friend and being completely open and honest about it just essentially made that possible for all of us to do the same. Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. That's really big. I think when you guys talk about honest c- communication, most adults forget that kids are truth tellers, and you also are lie detectors. And so, when you say honest communication, what you're saying is you trusted us because what we were saying matched your felt experience-
- SRSawyer Robbins
And your actions.
- 38:14 – 42:02
Expressing our emotions let our kids know they could express theirs.
- SRSawyer Robbins
- MRMel Robbins
... and our actions. And I also think we tried very much to make sure that if either one of us were truly upset or frustrated or disappointed or sad, that you knew that it wasn't about you. That it was something going on in our lives, that you were not to blame for negative emotions that we were feeling. Is that true?
- SRSawyer Robbins
Yes. You were very outspoken about that. When, like, you would be in a bad mood or something, you would make sure, like even like the first thing you would say, I feel like, when you would come in the room is, "This is not about you." Like, "This has to do with something else." And then you would continue to be a bitch.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
But it's fine. We- we did do all right if the firstborn is actually saying that stuff. Normally, it would just be the third born that would pick up on that. I love you guys.
- MRMel Robbins
I love you too. All right, here's another one. Now let's go to older kids-
- SRSawyer Robbins
Ah.
- MRMel Robbins
... 'cause this is, 'cause I think most people-
- SRSawyer Robbins
Kind of both.
- MRMel Robbins
... are now like... 'Cause so far the takeaway for me-
- SRSawyer Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... is seek connection, 'cause people are gonna wanna know the how. Like, we're talking conceptually.
- SRSawyer Robbins
No, seek connection over correction is so big. Huge. So big. You will, you will-
- MRMel Robbins
The-
- SRSawyer Robbins
... correct your kids through connecting with them, I think.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. Yeah, and-
- SRSawyer Robbins
I'm not a parent (laughs) but... Be vulnerable.
- MRMel Robbins
If you want your kids to be open with you, you have to model being open with them. And that doesn't mean sharing inappropriate things, 'cause I don't think you guys should have access to or know, like, the details about our marriage. Like, that's for Dad and I.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I, I-
- SRSawyer Robbins
Thank God.
- MRMel Robbins
And- and so, I feel like you have to model openness. You have to talk about what's going on in your life. You have to talk about your-
- SRSawyer Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... feelings. You've got to show your feelings. If-
- SRSawyer Robbins
I think that you guys showing that you're, that, like, at times you are weak shows that you're human and, like, makes, I don't know, like, it gives us more space to do that too, 'cause like, uh, like... Okay, I'm going to stutter for a second until I get to what I'm saying. But like, in being weak, in crying in front of us, like, I think so many parents are so, just try to look so strong and perfect in front of their kids all the time. But it's like, by showing your kids that, like, you guys are also human, like, allows your kids to feel those things too as they start to grow up. I also think, like, I know so many of my friends till this day as a 23-year-old, they're all, a lot of them have been like, "I've never seen my parents cry. Ever." And I think, and not saying that you need to walk downstairs and bawl your eyes out every goddamn day. But like, I just think that not showing your true emotion to your kids is sad and not real life, honestly. Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Yes. And I think that hiding that away from your kids and putting on a smile every single day makes a kid feel like they can't have a bad day.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm. I also think that a lot of parents think they gotta keep the stiff upper lip and they gotta stay strong and they gotta, like, be the one in charge because that's gonna make the kids feel safe. And I actually think when you see your parents being human, it makes you know that you can count on them to be honest with you. And that you can count on them to tell you-
- SRSawyer Robbins
Totally.
- MRMel Robbins
... yeah, what's going on.
- 42:02 – 45:48
A listener asks: How do you get your teens to open up to you?
- MRMel Robbins
teenage daughters to open up to me?
- SRSawyer Robbins
Okay. I think first and foremost, Christie, first and foremost, Christie, there's gonna be days when they're gonna wanna be locked up in their rooms on their phone and you're just gonna have to keep a smiling face on, keep, keep going. Like know that it's not personal at all. They're just, they're just in that moment of like... There's definitely a moment, there's a long ass moment in all of our lives, especially as teenage girls that, like, your friends are more important than your family. Like, that's just how it goes in your development. That's just how it happens. Sawyer and I have both felt that simultaneously, uh, but I think, like, something that...I wouldn't say my mom and my dad didn't do but I wish they would've done more of is, like, had more fun with us in those ages.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Like, made experience happen between me, Sawyer, and my mom that, like, both Sawyer and I would have so much fun doing. Like going to paint pottery together and then going to CPK because their food fucking slaps.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
Or, like, you know what I mean? Like, going to the mall and going shopping or, like, "Girls, today we're gonna go to the pumpkin patch and if you wanna bring your friends, bring your friends." Like, it, I think, like, showing that you care about your daughters and their friends, but also making time for the three of you to have fun together, like, those memories will just be, like, so crystallized in their minds I think.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, I didn't do that enough.
- SRSawyer Robbins
I completely agree with Kendall. I also can say, like, I think that as a teenage girl I was angry (laughs) and angsty and I literally sat up in my room as soon as I got home from sports and did my homework, went to bed, and then went to school. And on the weekends there was no time for family, it was just friends. And I think that that, like Kendall said, is honestly a phase in life and I think as they grow older, I can assure you that family does become more important, especially in college when you move away and you realize that, "Oh my gosh, I'm not living with them all the time. I'm g- get to go see them." And that day will come, and I think that instead of just waiting for that day to come, I completely agree with Kendall in creating experiences that you know your kids will enjoy, especially your daughters, creating experiences that involve their hobbies, their interests. If they like horseback riding, take them to a horseback show, horseback riding show. If they like shopping, take them on a shopping trip to New York City, um, something like that, like-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm. Here's a question from Faye. "Uh, as a mom of two grown daughters and a son who's still at home, I feel very regretful. I wish I could've done things differently, and now I'm seeing my screw-ups play out in their lives and it overwhelms me and brings me to my knees. And yes, I tell myself, 'You did the best you could with what you knew,' but that only gets me so far because
- 45:48 – 52:39
How do you find peace in your mistakes with your kids?
- MRMel Robbins
I know in my gut I could've been doing things way differently, and yet I kept repeating the same things because I was stuck in patterns. How as parents can we find peace now that our eyes are wide open about the mistakes that we made, and actually start building a bridge back to our kids again?"
- SRSawyer Robbins
I think this is a question for the both of you. Wait, no, I actually have an answer. I was gonna say, what-
- MRMel Robbins
Can you put your mic...
- SRSawyer Robbins
I was gonna say tell them.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Tell your kids how you're feeling. It's never too late to, like, build a beautiful relationship with them. I know that, like, we're very lucky, I'm very lucky to be a part of the Robbins family, but, like, I don't think that, like... Everybody on this podcast, everybody that's been requesting and sending in questions for my mom, like, tell your kids you're feeling this way. That is the most important thing you can do. Like, it is, it makes them feel so much more seen when you just tell them. Like, imagine how it would feel if you just told your kid, "I wanna connect with you and I feel like I fucked up a little bit in the past."
- MRMel Robbins
It's incredible, and I often think that the most profound advice is right in front of our face. And it's true. Like, instead of talking to your girlfriends or your spouse, go straight to your adult kids and say, like, "I really regret that I didn't do more with your friends. I regret that I was not around as much as I would've liked to have been. I regret that we were struggling so badly financially that I couldn't afford to do those things." And so, it does make me f- sad but it's one of the reasons why I'm like, oh, note to self. Instead of trying to drag your kids closer to you, if you wanna be close to your kids, go to them.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Totally.
- MRMel Robbins
Go to them where they, you said hobbies, Sawyer, like, don't make them do the shit that you like to do. Go do with your kids what they like to do. Even if you don't like their friends, invite their friends to be with you because then your, your child is gonna wanna hang with you.
- SRSawyer Robbins
I think also going off that that the perfect example that I can think of is, like, Oakley is really into video games and used to be-
- MRMel Robbins
A gamer.
- SRSawyer Robbins
... a gamer. Well, he is a gamer, but, like-
- MRMel Robbins
Used to be a big gamer.
- SRSawyer Robbins
No, he used to be a big gamer and obviously my dad is not. He doesn't play video games. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
But he brought him to a video game conference and they had an amazing time and bonded, and I think that that was so special because I'm very aware that my dad is not sitting with Oakley playing video games for eight hours every day. But the fact that he can-
- MRMel Robbins
No. (laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
But the fact that he can, like, take you to a conference and bond with you that way even though video games is not his top of mind interest is the perfect example with diving into your kids' lives-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- SRSawyer Robbins
... even into something that makes you feel uncomfortable or just know nothing about. And so-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, you got choked up.
- OROakley Robbins
I would just like to say that I do not play video games for eight hours a day. (laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
Jesus Christ. Can you talk about that experience-
- OROakley Robbins
I have an image to uphold.
- SRSawyer Robbins
... can you talk about that experience, please? But, yes, no, that was honestly, that was honestly a really cool experience because I don't even re- remember, like, asking Dad to do that with me. 'Cause, like, I remember Dad just coming up to me one day and being like, "Hey, there's this thing happening involving video games." I, I, what was I? I think it's called, like, anime. (laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
No, it's called... I think it was called, what was it called? Pax East, I think it was called.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, Pax East.
- OROakley Robbins
It was called Pax East. My dad was like, "There's this thing, like, involving video games, do you wanna go?" And I was like, "Yeah. Like, I wanna go with you. Like, that'll be so much fun." And so, I remember we just, like, went. We walked around, and we, like, looked at all these booths and we, like, played games together, and, like, it was a really cool and, like, fun experience, and I definitely will always remember that. And it was like... It was the cool s- it was really cool seeing him take interest in my life. Like, that, like, felt nice because it also made me feel like what I was doing was, like, okay.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Mm.
- OROakley Robbins
Like, there wasn't something wrong with what I enjoyed. 'Cause, like, he was willing to be like, "Well, let's, let's go do something about that." Which felt really nice at the time.
- 52:39 – 57:18
Your kid wants to leave school for a partner somewhere else: try this.
- SRSawyer Robbins
I had a boyfriend at the time who went to University of Michigan. I absolute- I was obsessed with it, I was so excited to go, I was proud to be an Eagle. I showed up and immediately didn't see the rah-rah, fraternities, sororities. I didn't have a massive friend group. I had one friend who I met at orientation, and literally for the entire year she was my only friend. I was miserable. I sat in my room every single day, bawling my eyes out, begging my parents to come pick me up or Uber me 20 minutes home because I didn't wanna be there. I attempted to join a bunch of clubs to try to meet people, and I tried to take all the steps in which I thought would be the best way to meet people, et cetera, make friends, and I didn't connect with literally anyone. And so, what my advice is, another, another part of that is I can comp- completely relate to the high school boyfriend who is at another college, all you wanna do is be with them, you just came off an amazing senior summer, you, et cetera. I'm sure you have heard this story. But, my advice to you is she has to stay for a year. She... I really believe this because my entire Boston College experience for my entire freshman year was horrible, and I do have to put that out there. But, I went back because I didn't know where I wanted to transfer, although I wanted to transfer, and I had the best year of my entire life my sophomore year. And I literally think that was solely because my parents forced me to stay, they said, "You need to stick it through." And I honestly grew as a person so much that entire year because I was in pain, uncomfortable, trying to meet new people, all of which brought me to the best people in the world at Boston College.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, it also brought you to the best version of you. See, this is an example of guard rails. If you always allow your kid to bounce from a situation that makes them uncomfortable, their anxiety increases.And here's what you can do in that situation. You can say, "I hear you. That is hard, and we're paying for the tuition so you need to stick out the year, and if you are that miserable, here's what you could do. You can transfer." And so, put all that energy into applications and figuring out where you wanna go. And so, you acknowledge what your child is feeling, you validate their experience so that they feel seen and heard, and then you help them come up with solutions. And, you know, one of the things that I always say to you guys, even though I know that you guys make fun of me is, "Do you want me to listen? Do you wanna hear my advice? What do you need?" And then, nine times out of ten, you guys do not want advice, you just want me to listen. And then you end up going, "So, should I? What do I wanna do?" I have another question, 'cause I think that was excellent advice. Do not rescue them, do not let them bounce 'cause they're nervous. Make them stick it out, and then help them think of solutions-
- SRSawyer Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... both for sticking it out and also for changing the situation if that's what they want. Our- in fact, our- your cousin is going through this right now.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
So, uh, another one.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Wait, one more thing, though, also, is you always said when I was complaining that I had no friends freshman year, in terms of the solutions, for an example of a solution is, my mom always used to say, "Well, why don't you just go knock on someone's door?" Or, "Why don't you Instagram DM to- DM someone to get lunch?" And at first, I always said, "No, that's so weird. I'm not gonna do that." Like, "I have no friends," et cetera. But, uh, then I started to get desperate and I started taking her advice and it actually worked.
- MRMel Robbins
Final question. "We do not like the person that our 18-year-old is dating. On a couple of occasions, they have been rude to my husband, and ever since seeing them, she doesn't talk to us like she used to. I don't trust this person. I don't think they're a good fit for my child. What do I do?"
- SRSawyer Robbins
Okay. Well-
- MRMel Robbins
Really just singling out (whispers)
- GUGuest
... their parents.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Um, Sawyer, I'm gonna let you meditate on this one while I take the wheel right now.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- SRSawyer Robbins
Um, I- (clears throat)
- MRMel Robbins
What do
- 57:18 – 1:08:11
Know somebody in a relationship with somebody who is stifling them?
- MRMel Robbins
you not do?
Don't.
- SRSawyer Robbins
What you should not do is make your daughter or your son or your child feel as though they cannot bring the significant other over, because I think, as somebody that was in a relationship that was very healthy and loving in, in high school, I watched my sister in a relationship that I know she was happy in for a while, but I think towards the end, whatever, it had, it, it ha- it ended for a reason. But, I think one of the rea- like, I watched her shut down whenever we would talk about how we felt like they weren't a good fit or we felt like maybe she wasn't herself around him. And I think that the more and more you talk about how you don't like the significant other, the more and more your daughter's gonna pull away. You need... She's at a phase in her life. She's with this person for a reason. If it's not love, it's a lesson. She's gonna learn something from it. As long as she is safe and there's no abuse going on, telling her that she can't be with him, telling her, blah- all this stuff, like, it's only gonna push her further away from you. And I think that, like, again, honest and open communication. Talk to her. Tell her, "We love you, but we feel like you're not yourself around this person. Is there a reason why? Is there anything we can do?" Et cetera, et cetera. Dad, go for it.
- MRMel Robbins
Did you, did you hear that from us, Sawyer?
- SRSawyer Robbins
I heard-
- MRMel Robbins
'Cause I think we said that. The question is whether you heard us say that.
- SRSawyer Robbins
S- so, the thing is, is when I was in this position and you were very open and honest, made it very clear that he is more than welcome over, you guys really enjoy him, all this stuff, and I think what I heard when you would say things along the lines of, "I don't think this relationship is necessarily great for you anymore. You are not yourself around him." Which I think is our biggest takeaway. And they always phrased the conversation less about him and more about how I was and who I w- want to be and who I'm meant to be, and he was not making that possible for whatever reason. And I think that by my parents always framing the conversation and putting it back on me rather than blaming it all on my current boyfriend at the time, I... It did obviously make me pull away at a bit in the moment, but I think those, those conversations about how they were feeling and while they... them putting it all on me eventually made me feel... They alwa- essentially, they always stayed in my mind. I wasn't actively listening, but in the back of my mind, whenever I was with him, after those conversations, in the back of my mind I would be questioning, "Is this right? Is this not right? I really love him." (laughs) "I wanna be with him. He makes me feel comfortable. I..." Et cetera. But then, in the back of my mind, I would consider, "Yes, but who am I?"
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- SRSawyer Robbins
And I think that that... by framing the conversation towards your daughter rather than putting all the blame on the boyfriend, I think that that obviously might not make her immediately end things, but at the same time, it will stick with her forever. I can assure you that.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. I, um, I think that's a good insight. So, I got two things from that. Number one, again, let's go back to one of the huge takeaways. Do not drag your kids to you. Go to them. So, being super welcoming even if you don't like the person. Um, I realize the rudeness is a hard thing to deal with, if that's the situation.If they're not in a dangerous situation, I think the more you can make them feel welcome at your place, do things with them, take them out to dinner, uh, the more you got eyes on them, the more you have a better handle on the situation. The second thing-
- KRKendall Robbins
True.
- MRMel Robbins
... (clears throat) and they're never gonna wanna hang out with you if you're super judgy. And I thought that Dad and I, 'cause I actually really liked who we were talking about. I just didn't like who you were in it, because you changed.
- KRKendall Robbins
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
And I think that's... You wanna talk too?
- OROakley Robbins
No, I was just, I feel like that's happened to me as well.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, go say something.
- OROakley Robbins
I don't know. I-
- KRKendall Robbins
Talk.
- OROakley Robbins
I, I think I, I was in a relationship for about a year and a half, and it was a great relationship. It was very healthy. Um, but I, I, I would say that I was not myself around my family. Um, (smacks lips) there was a lot of, um, I don't know if sneakiness is the right word, but I definitely-
- KRKendall Robbins
Koy.
- OROakley Robbins
I definitely, I wanted to, my biggest goal in that relationship was, like, to make sure that th- she was comfortable and she was happy, and she, she would tend to become, like, uncomfortable in certain situations. Most of those situations involved being around my family, so I, whenever she'd come over, I would basically, like, hide her away in my room because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, and I was going out of my way to make sure she was comfortable. And I remember, I had so many conversations with you guys about how I was, like, different and, like, you, there was nothing wrong, but you just wanted to hang out with us more and you felt like you still didn't really know her. And I think throughout the whole entire relationship, like, those thoughts never left my mind. Like Sawyer was saying, like, they were always in the back. Um...
- KRKendall Robbins
I was gonna say that's... Thank you for sharing Oak- snaps for Oakley.
- OROakley Robbins
Thank you, thank you.
- KRKendall Robbins
Um, what I was gonna say is I think as some- like I said before, as somebody that was in the opposite of that kind of relationship, me and my high school boyfriend didn't leave my parents alone. (laughs) But I would witness you guys always having conversations with Sawyer, and I witnessed some of the conversations you had with Oakley, just, like, about the significant other and about how these two were being in that relationship, and I think, like, back to the whole honest communication thing, like, you would always have these conversations, non-judgmental conversations, with both of my siblings to the point where it did, like, you were open and honest about how you felt and how you were noticing their behavior change. But, like, it was never judgmental. It was never like, "You need to break up with him. You need to, you need to do this," to the point where, like, I think it almost made them feel more comfortable talking to you about it, 'cause like, then when Sawyer would have issues with this guy or Oakley would have issues with his girlfriend, like, he would, they would still come and talk to you because they know that you wouldn't be like, "Well, now's your time to break up with them. You have to break up with them." You would just be like, "Okay. How are you feeling?" Like, do you know what I mean?
- MRMel Robbins
I don't get the sense where you were like that with Sawyer.
- OROakley Robbins
You were like that with me.
- KRKendall Robbins
Wait, I feel like you were. Whenever you, whenever she had issues, like-
- MRMel Robbins
I don't know. It's Sawyer's, Sawyer's experience.
- KRKendall Robbins
No, I agree. I think that what, and obviously, once again, I'm the oldest child, so I was the first rodeo, but I think that what happened was at first it was very, "Oh, well, I don't think you guys should be together," like, "I think you should break up," overpowering. And then I think they sensed that I was pulling away, and then all of a sudden they made a flip and it was constantly like, "Oh, well, what are, what are you and so-and-so up to tonight? Like, you guys are more than welcome to come back over and hang out here. Like, we'd love to see him. We'd love to see you. We can cook you dinner." And I think that, unfortunately, I had already seen the first side of things, so I was already self-conscious about how they felt, et cetera, and, like, Oakley hid him away in my room every time we hung out. But I, I do, I, I did really appreciate the shift in communication and understanding of where I was coming from.
- MRMel Robbins
You did that? You created a little, like, hideout for her boyfriend?
- 1:08:11 – 1:12:31
The #1 question I ask my kids when they’re struggling.
- SRSawyer Robbins
were ungrounded they would go straight to the party, and they would go straight to doing double the amount that they were doing before.
- KRKendall Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- SRSawyer Robbins
So I can assure you, grounding, please just stop. It really, really... I'm never seen it work on anyone.
- KRKendall Robbins
Um, I would say be vulnerable with your children. Um cry in front of them, be sad in front of them, be happy in front... Like emote in front of them in a real authentic way, like how you would with your own friends and people your age. I think that's like you're just showing them that you're human, like that's what they're trying to be too.
- OROakley Robbins
I would definitely say just like just be there for your kid, like be their backup. Always let them know that you have their back and you're gonna be there to help them whenever they need it, no matter what.
- SRSawyer Robbins
I think another thing that we talked about earlier is make sure that when you are with your kid and you're listening to the- your kid, th- you make it very, very clear that what they say to you will go nowhere. And that means not to your fiancee. Not to your spouse, not to your friend, not to your dog, literally anyone. It is just between you two because I can assure you it n- n- feels so invalidating to tell a parent something and then n- either... Like even say I tell my mom something and then the next day my dad comes to me and asks if I'm okay about that. Like that doesn't feel good because I felt like I was in a trust circle with her and I just wanted her to know that. And so I really think that making sure your kid knows that it's just gonna stay between you two, and then it actually does, and then you don't go on your walk with all your girlfriends the next day and explain your kids biggest issue is seriously like crucial.
- KRKendall Robbins
I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna butt that. Yeah, just have your kids' back, like same umbrella. Trust, if you tr- if you give your kids your trust like I- I think just trust like trust them. Give them more... Get- let out the leash a little bit and trust that like, yeah, they might fall but they're still on the damn leash. Like yank them back, like (laughs) you know what I mean? Like trust them, be vulnerable with them, go to them, go take interest in what they're interested in. Don't ground them. Have conversations with them, be honest with them, like be... All we're saying is just be a human being to them, like you're no different now that you're a parent. I mean obviously yes you are different, you have a lot more responsibilities, but you still are made of the same chemicals and feel the same emotions, like why would you turn that off? They wanna see that too. That's the most important thing you can do is just be a human, be you.
- OROakley Robbins
Request that this video goes viral.
- MRMel Robbins
We have to listen back. Thank you guys. Thank you.
- SRSawyer Robbins
Hey guys. Guys wait. So ...
- GUGuest
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Thank you. Are we gonna do the I love you?
- SRSawyer Robbins
No.
- MRMel Robbins
No. Goodbye.
- SRSawyer Robbins
(laughs)
- KRKendall Robbins
Let's huddle. Let's do our huddle.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay we're gonna huddle everybody. We do a family huddle. Oh and one more thing, and no this is not a blooper. (laughs) This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just Your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video by God please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you so make sure you subscribe. Mwah.
Episode duration: 1:12:31
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