The Mel Robbins PodcastA Process for Finding Purpose: Do THIS to Build the Life You Want | Jay Shetty
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
150 min read · 30,038 words- 0:00 – 4:58
Welcome
- JSJay Shetty
(instrumental music plays) You're not stuck. You're actually grieving a past version of yourself. There's an identity, an idea, a mindset, a behavior, an attitude that is keeping you held back. So reality has moved on, but you've held on and that's what's keeping you stuck. And once you let go of that, once you open and release your hands, all of a sudden you feel free.
- MRMel Robbins
I am just blown away.
- JSJay Shetty
You can hate where you're at-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
... and still gain all the skills you need for your future. That mindset shift is, "How do I turn a place of misery and pain and potentially suffering into a place that becomes the launchpad of my life? This is the place where I take off from." When you're feeling stuck, you might not be able to change what's around you, so change how you view it. There is no rose in the world that grows the day you plant the seed. It takes months, sometimes even years for a tree to have a beautiful fruit or a beautiful flower. If you're feeling like you're caught in a spiral of the same thing after the same thing, life is trying to teach you something. Go to the school of life.
- MRMel Robbins
Jay, I think when things feel dark, the job and life is to glow and, uh, you've definitely taught me how to do that. (clock ticking) So before we get into this episode, the team here at The Mel Robbins Podcast shared some data with me, you know I love my data and research, 57% of you who watch The Mel Robbins Podcast here on YouTube are not subscribed to this channel. And here's the deal, I would love to get that down to 50% subscribers by the end of the year. So if you're enjoying the show and you love the guests that we have on, like the one we're gonna have on today, just tap the subscribe button. It's free, it's the best way for you to support the show and to support me and I promise that I will keep making this show better for you every single week. 'Cause my team and I, we're listening to your feedback, we are bringing you the guests that you want to hear from, we're covering the topics that matter most to you, so we're gonna continue to show up for you. Thanks in advance for hitting subscribe and showing up for me. All right, you ready? Let's dive in to today's episode. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I am absolutely thrilled that you are here. The conversation today is going to be extraordinary. You know, it's always such an honor to spend time with you, to be together with you, and if you're a brand new listener, I also wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm thrilled that you're here and I'm thrilled that you hit play on this particular episode, because it's gonna be extraordinary. It's gonna be exactly what you need to hear. And because you hit play on this episode, I already know something about you. I know that you're someone who values your time, because you're making time to listen to a conversation that will give you greater clarity, purpose, and direction. I also suspect that you're looking for some answers, for a way to make sense of what's going on in your life, and for guidance on how to move forward. If someone sent you this episode, I wanna take a moment and point something out that's really important. You have people in your life who love you, and they want you to experience this conversation because they are certain that what you're about to hear will change your life, it'll open you up to bigger possibilities. And I want you to really listen today and take in everything that you're about to learn, because if you do, time will slow down, your heart will soften, your guard will drop, your mind will expand, and you will know with every cell of your being that what you're hearing today is meant just for you, because it is. Jay Shetty is a person who is so hard to define because the impact that he has on people's lives transcends a label and it is truly global. I consider Jay to be one of my closest friends, especially in this business. To the world, he's known as the host of one of the most successful and award-winning podcasts on the planet. I'm talking about On Purpose with Jay Shetty. He is also the number one New York Times best-selling author of two books, Think Like a Monk and 8 Rules of Love, which have been translated into over 47 languages. Jay is also the chief purpose officer for Calm, the wildly, wildly popular meditation app. He is a former monk who has reinvented himself over and over again, and his work and his life are gonna help you find greater purpose and meaning in yours. Please help me welcome the remarkable Jay Shetty to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
- 4:58 – 10:22
5 Steps to Lasting Change
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my gosh, Jay Shetty-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... in the house, in Boston. This is just... I have been waiting to welcome you in-
- JSJay Shetty
Aw.
- MRMel Robbins
... here in person. Jay, my friend, I'm so excited you're here.
- JSJay Shetty
Mel, you're the best. And seeing your entire team and your beautiful studio space, I mean, it's incredible when you get to see your friends' place of genius.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And I feel so lucky to be able to walk into it today, and it truly is infused with all your energy, so it's so beautiful to be here. I'm so grateful to be on your incredible podcast. The way you've been serving and showing up for people and truly putting your heart there... And I want people to know, not just in the last 24 months, for decades of just showing up for people privately, personally, publicly, it's incredible to watch and I'm grateful to be your friend, so thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
Aw, Jay, you're gonna make me cry.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, so that... L- Okay, I gotta pull myself together.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, (laughs) um, I would love to start by having you speak directly to the person who is with us right now.How might they feel different if they take everything to heart that you're about to share with us today, wisdom that you've learned, lessons that you wanna share, mistakes that you've made. What could change about their life?
- JSJay Shetty
I believe if someone really listens today, and then reflects, and then applies what we share, I believe their mind will become their best friend-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
... not their worst enemy. I believe that time will feel like it's full of possibilities, not just full of pressure, which is what we so often feel with time. And I really believe that their life will feel clear and less foggy and less undecided, and they'll actually know their next move, their next step. Maybe not the whole picture, maybe not this big idea of the future that we all seem to over- overwhelm ourselves with, but they'll know their next step, their next move, and they'll feel confident and secure that it's the right step. So I'd say that's what they'll get from listening today and reflecting and applying.
- MRMel Robbins
(inhales deeply) I couldn't help but notice that you said listen and reflect, and then at the end, you said reflecting. Why is that so important to not just listen and then do, but to actually take that moment and reflect?
- JSJay Shetty
Well, here's the interesting thing, Mel. I think what we don't realize is that there's actually five steps from listening to change.
- MRMel Robbins
What?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, there's five in between, but they're very simple, and if we actually follow them, we're guaranteed success. So the first is learn. The fact that people are listening to us today, the fact that people follow you, they read your books, they may listen to mine, they get the opportunity to learn. But what's the difference? We know lots of people that learn, but never get to change their life. So what's going wrong? What's the missing part? After learning, we have to experiment. You've gotta try this out. You may try it out tomorrow and it may not work. You may try it out on Wednesday and it will work perfectly. You may try it out in a week, and then there'll be a little dip. So experiment with it. Don't feel like it's gonna be perfect tomorrow. Play with it, have fun with it. And then the third step is perform. Once you've experimented, you get into a groove. You start to feel it working, you start to notice it in your body, your mindset feels different when you wake up in the morning. Now you don't have to do all the conscious stuff anymore. It's kind of unconscious. And then finally, there'll always be struggle just before you're about to unlock this new level of greatness. And then finally, there's thrive. So to me, that reflection process is those three steps in between of experimenting, performing, and struggling.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
It's the ability to try something out, then reflect back and go, "Wait, how could I have done that 1% different? How could I have done that 2% different? What do I need to shift?" And as soon as you start doing that, you start enjoying reflection. So reflection's not just in the mind. It's something you're practicing, it's something you're experimenting with.
- MRMel Robbins
I've never heard anybody explain it that way.
- JSJay Shetty
I love that.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, it makes so much sense because you're right. Like, I think you can hear an idea and you can try it once, and then if it doesn't feel the way you want it to feel, most people stop.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And I've never thought about the fact that if you don't actually know that trying something and then reflecting on what worked, what didn't work, tweaking it, experimenting, as you said, you're always gonna stop.
- JSJay Shetty
Absolutely. Absolutely. And by the way, isn't it just the case, Mel, that even something that you've done for years, you still need to keep experimenting with it? So just 'cause something worked last year doesn't mean it's gonna work this year. You've gotta keep that process going, and that's what makes it fun and alive, and it doesn't become routine and monotonous. And so I love reflection being an action.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, Jay, so many people look to you because you have written just incredible blockbuster books. You have millions and millions of followers. Your podcast is the podcast I listen to. Your podcast is the podcast that inspired me to get into the podcasting space.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs) Mel, you're gonna make me cry.
- 10:22 – 14:07
Jay Shetty’s Advice for When You Feel Lost
- MRMel Robbins
And so I would love to just, before we kinda dig into specifics and unpack some of the lessons from your life, what would you say to somebody who really does feel kinda lost right now or stuck or doesn't know what their next move is? And how do you want the person who feels that way to think about that moment where you feel like you don't know what to do next?
- JSJay Shetty
I love what you asked there because you said, "How would you like someone to think about that moment?" What I'd like people to remember is that you're not stuck. You're actually grieving a past version of yourself. So there's a part of you that's died that actually you left behind a long time ago, but there's a part of you that still misses it. You still want things to be the same. You still want things to be that way, and that keeps pulling you back.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And that's actually blocking you from making the next move. It's stopping you because life used to be this way or life used to feel this way. And so we're stuck not because we don't know what to do next. We're stuck because there's a part of us that wants to hold on to what we have here. There's a beautiful Zen teaching that says, "What's holding you back is what you're holding on to." And I think if people think about that for a second, what are you holding on to that's holding you back? What are you clinging on to that's keeping you stuck? There's an identity, an idea, a mindset, a behavior, an attitude that is keeping you held back. And once you let go of that, once you open and release your hands, all of a sudden you feel free. So what identity, what habit, what mindset, what expectation are you letting yourself be held back by that if you were to let go of, you could easily move forward?
- MRMel Robbins
Can you give an example?
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
You know what I'm saying? Because if- I, I think I understand what you're saying.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, I'm trying to think about-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... um, a scenario where, uh, let's say, somebody is at a moment in their life where there's a change. You have gone through a breakup, or maybe you've raised your kids and they've launched, and now you're trying to figure out your next chapter.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Maybe, um, you just lost your job-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and now you're like, "Oh my God, what do I do?" What are the kinds of things that people hold onto that you may not realize y- this is what you're actually holding onto?
- JSJay Shetty
Yes. Uh, so all three examples you gave apply. If you've raised your kids and they've left the house, there's a part of you that misses what the home felt like with their energy.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And now you spend all your day thinking about all the memories in the corners. You look in this corner, and you remember your child growing up. You look in this corner, and you remember Christmas dinner. You look at this place. So you're, you're constantly surrounding yourself with an identity that no longer exists. So you don't have the time or the energy or the presence to be able to even think about what comes next, because there's a part of you that still feels affected. If you go through a relationship breakup, you keep looking at pictures of when you went on vacation. You keep looking at the pictures of when you had your first date. You keep looking at the, um, memories of, maybe it's a clothing, piece of clothing, maybe it's an item at home, whatever you're surrounded by. So you're still living as if you're still dating that person-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
... in your mind.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so that's all holding onto something that is an identity that's already moved on in life. Your kids have already moved on. They're at college or they're getting engaged. Your ex has already moved on. They're in a new relationship or they're alone. So reality has moved on, but you've held on to the piece of clothing, the memory, the photo, the whatever it may be. And that's what's keeping you stuck. So my question to everyone is, what is that thing for you?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And how do you learn to release it? That's the focus.
- 14:07 – 29:22
The Mindset Shift to Stop Feeling Stuck
- JSJay Shetty
I think we think we're stuck because we don't know what to do next. No, we're stuck because we're still holding onto what's behind us. And as soon as you release it, you propel yourself forward. Have you ever felt that before when you're holding onto something really tight? If you let go of it, all of a sudden you feel momentum. Momentum doesn't come from knowing where you're going, it comes from knowing that I don't want to be here anymore.
- MRMel Robbins
That is so important because so many people stay where they are because they don't know where they want to go next. And I always say, "Well, actually, if you can be honest with yourself and say, 'I just don't like how my life feels anymore'"-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... "you're already moving in a new direction 'cause you're moving away from what's not working." I have one more example to give you-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... because what you just said was brilliant. It, uh, i- i- it- y- you have this ability, Jay, to just take wisdom, philosophy, psychology, and make it so immensely obvious that I both feel inspired and sort of like an idiot that I didn't see it, you know, myself. (laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And I'm torched. But no, I have one more-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... uh, example to give you about this feeling-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... of being stuck because there are so many people that have artistry inside themselves, whether it's wanting to start a YouTube channel, or it's wanting to, uh, become a singer, or it's wanting to, uh, express themselves on social media, or it's wanting to learn how to market themselves better on social media, and yet there is so much resistance to putting yourself out there. And so in this paradigm where we're talking about holding onto something and grieving who you used to be, if somebody is actively fighting against their deep internal desire to start putting themselves out there in a new chapter, whether it's marketing a business, or starting a YouTube channel, or performing and singing on s- whatever it may be, what is it that you're holding onto?
- JSJay Shetty
It's the identity and the reputation that that identity's built.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. Say more about that.
- JSJay Shetty
S- yes. So it's saying, "Well, I'm a teacher. I can't be a social media creator. I'm a teacher. That's what my friends know me as. That's not- what my students know me as. That's what my f- parents, uh, know me as. That's what my kids know me as. How can I be a teacher and be a social media creator? It's not possible." "Oh, I'm a nurse. How can I be a nurse and a podcaster? That, that can't be the case. What do I have to offer? I'm a nurse, and by the way, that's what everyone in my social circle knows me as. So now if I record a podcast, they're gonna look at me and think, 'Wait, what does she have to say?'" "Wh- what are you gonna teach the world?" "Oh, I'm a mom. I can't be a mom and own a TikTok shop. I don't know how to do that. I, I didn't go to business school. I didn't..." So this is what we do, and the real reason is because our social circle has validated or at least approved that current position.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Everyone in our social circle knows what that means, they recognize it, and they understand it. As soon as we do something that people don't understand, we're scared that they're not going to like us. And as soon as we think they're not gonna like us for doing something they don't understand, we leave behind what we love because we say, "Well, I can't do it if they're gonna misunderstand me. I can't do it if they're gonna dislike me." I have so many friends right now, Mel, honestly, that are scared to put out a video because they feel the pressure from their own friends. People are not feeling pressure from the world. People are usually not worried about the comments that will come many years into being a creator. It's the people around us that we're most worried about. And so the only way we let go of that is recognizing and building this i- identity and insight that, "I can be a teacher and a creator. I can be a nurse and a podcaster. I can be a mom and own an online business. I can be two things at once, and I don't need anyone else's permission. And by the way, when I pull it off, even then they won't understand." So it was never about them understanding. It was always about me focusing on what I love.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.... uh, you know, I- I know that I've had, like, so many career changes.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I sometimes feel like I'm a cover band for ABBA-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... doing costume changes. Like, it's not a resume, it's like a choose-your-own-adventure.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
But you have had so many-
- JSJay Shetty
Oh, gosh.
- MRMel Robbins
... twists and turns in your career. You- you literally went from university-
- JSJay Shetty
Oh, my God.
- MRMel Robbins
... to a massive, like, consulting job to pursuing, like, spiritual training as a monk to then deciding, having an epiphany, and at every one of those moments, there was that pressure that you're talking about, where you have to make a call that who you are and how you're living your life no longer feels right, and then you... But you have always made the turn.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And so can you just, like, quickly kind of tell us a few of those moments so that the person listening understands that at any single moment, you were literally one decision away from turning your life in a different direction? And talk a little bit about what holds you back when that resistance shows up, like, "Well, I can't leave a consulting job."
- 29:22 – 56:34
How to Build a Life of Purpose
- MRMel Robbins
So, Jay, what is the difference between purpose and passion? And what do we get wrong about it?
- JSJay Shetty
Passion is what brings you life. It's what brings you joy. It's what makes you feel like you're doing something exciting and exhilarating and thrilling. So for me, it's studying and learning and synthesizing. I could spend a weekend in a cave of books and never get out and make notes and study. That's one of my greatest passions in life. Your purpose is when you use your passion in the service of others. If your passion doesn't have a service element, if you don't use it to improve people's lives, if you don't use it to inform other people, if you don't use it to make a difference in someone's life, it's not a purpose. So, let me give an example.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
If you're a photographer...... and your favorite passion in the world is photography, you love finding unique locations, you love capturing human emotion, you love capturing memories for people, as soon as you start doing it for others, it's a purpose. There you have it, it's that simple. It's not like you have to go on a whole charity trail and start taking pictures and giving them out for free. When you start capturing moments and you do it with that intent, it's a service. There's a beautiful study that I love from Amy Wrzesniewski and her team at the Yale School of Management. So, they went out in 2019 to research what they believed was the most difficult job in America. Any guesses, Mel?
- MRMel Robbins
Um, psychologically or physically? (laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
And well, it- they, they just went out to, yeah, to think, "What was the most difficult job-"
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I think probably a teacher.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. That was, that was up there.
- MRMel Robbins
Or a public servant? I don't know.
- JSJay Shetty
All up there. The, the one that they decided on was hospital cleaner-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... because they believe that these people not only have to wash bedsheets, pillows, floors, toilets, plates, they have to wash up after people pass away.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
So, it's a very heavy job. And also, you just finished cleaning a toilet, you leave, and now you got to run in and clean it again. It's not as simple as, "Hey, we did that once and it doesn't happen anymore." So, they went and interviewed these hospital cleaners, and they asked them what they did. And the hospital cleaners said, "We believe we're low-skilled labor," in their own words, "We wash toilets, plates, floors." They carried on and they found this whole group of hospital cleaners who didn't call themself cleaners, they called themselves healers and carers. These healers worked the exact same hours as the cleaners, they worked the same shifts, they worked the same hospitals, they got paid the same amount, but they were happier, more purposeful, and more productive. So, they asked them, "Why do you call yourself healers?" They said, and this blew my mind, like, every time I, I think about this, it really makes me emotional because it's so powerful. They said, "We believe that a clean hospital is integral to the healing journey of a patient."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
"We think that when the hospital is clean, people have more dignity at a time of difficulty. We believe that when the hospital is clean, that people's families will spend more time with them. They'll actually surround their bedside because it feels like a clean atmosphere in their time of need." They said, "We believe that a clean hospital is part of healing, so how could we see ourselves as anything else?" What I love about that, Mel, is that Amy Wrzesniewski and her team came up with a term called job crafting, which means it's not what you do every day, it's how you feel about what you do every day that changes the experience of it. It's not just what you do, it's not even why you do it, it's how you feel about it, how do you feel about what you do? They all felt that what they did was critical to healing, and it transformed their experience. And there's this beautiful quote from Wayne Dyer that I loved where he said, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." And I really believe that that's what we're all being called to do right now. When you're feeling stuck, you might not be able to change what's around you, so change how you view it, change how you look at it, because all of a sudden, everything starts to change in your favor.
- MRMel Robbins
That is the single best definition of purpose I've ever heard, and it's accessible. And I wanna make sure that as you're listening to Jay and you're spending time together with us, that you really take away that definition, because it's, even when you're stuck or even when you've just got a lot going on, it's very easy to identify the little things in your life that energize you-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... whether it's books like Jay, or for me, it's, I love gardening and flowers-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... and I love cooking, I love spending time with my family.
- JSJay Shetty
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, I love making people smile. That brings me energy, right?
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
I love being outside, I love learning. And so when you take those things that naturally bring you energy and you do a little bit more of it, it lifts you up. But then when you figure out ways to extend those things that bring you energy in service of others, now you're on the track of discovering why you're here in the first place-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... and aligning your life with purpose. And so in that beautiful example you just gave, and thinking about, it energizes people to be, like, part of something where you're caring for people.
- JSJay Shetty
Even in the hardest job in the world-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
... that's why I use that example-
- 56:34 – 1:02:02
The Secret to Making Any Hard Conversation Easy
- JSJay Shetty
- MRMel Robbins
Do you have, like, a little trick? 'Cause, 'cause my, like, emotions-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... and pettiness-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... can just flood me. Like I, I've never had training as a monk, Jay-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... so I would imagine, like, your sort of engine doesn't rev as high as mine, but it is so easy-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... to see friends out-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... together and then immediately judge them for their actions, that they're excluding you, that they must be talking about you, that now they're closer than you are to them, that it means something, it means you did something, and then of course you respond to all of that emotion. We are so fast to assume.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Is there anything that you do or that you recommend that people do?
- JSJay Shetty
Well, there's this thing, I don't know if you've heard of it, it's called the let them theory. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Jay.
- JSJay Shetty
Sorry, I had to. I had to. (laughs) I was waiting for you to... Uh, which is really good. There's, there's let them and then let me in it, and it works perfectly, which I genuinely believe. It's amazing. Um, but, um, to answer the, your question, I'll be honest with you. When it's people that I know, I tell them.
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- JSJay Shetty
I really believe it's important to tell people. I check in with them. I ask them. Because if I know you, our relationship, if our relationship means I can't ask you the question, then it's a weak relationship. If I ask you the question and we have a great conversation, now our relationship is strengthened by it. We actually got closer. A hard conversation should make you closer to the person.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
A hard conversation should not make you further away from them.
- MRMel Robbins
Say that again, Jay.
- JSJay Shetty
If you love someone and they say they love you, a hard conversation should bring you closer together. A hard conversation should not push you away from each other. If you're scared to have a hard conversation with someone you love, that means you're not that close, because if-
- MRMel Robbins
Dude, right, I think that's, those are the hardest people to talk to though.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, but that should be the easiest person to talk to because you should be able to have a safe space to raise it. And so if I'm close to someone, if it was me and you, I would call you up and I actually trust we'd have a great conversation because of it. I know that. I actually believe that, if we ever had anything like that, which w- we haven't, and I would call you. But what I find is, if you can't call the person, I would just think about... This is the second part of that statement. My monk teachers would always say, "Instead of judging people by their actions, judge them by their intentions, and judge yourself by your actions, not your intentions."
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh.
- JSJay Shetty
Think about all the stupid things you've said, you've done, and got wrong, and all of a sudden you start to recognize, "Wait a minute, if someone judged me for that, I'd feel pretty bad about it. That doesn't define me. That's not who I am." And all of a sudden when you have that reflection, it flips the entire statement. "Wait a minute, that can't be who I am, and that's not who they are."
- MRMel Robbins
Amazing. Here's another thing that you said recently-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... Jay, that I love. "Someone out there would love to live your worst day." What does that mean?
- 1:02:02 – 1:08:01
Why Gratitude Is Your Secret Weapon
- JSJay Shetty
- MRMel Robbins
How do you use gratitude-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... to lift yourself up in a moment that is extraordinarily difficult? You know, you're grieving, you're in the middle of a breakup or a divorce, you've lost your job. Is there a way to use gratitude to lift yourself up when life just really has knocked you down?
- JSJay Shetty
When life's knocked you down, it's hard to be grateful for the good things in your life.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's sometimes bad advice because someone's just lost a marriage-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
... lost a family member-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
... whatever it may be.
- MRMel Robbins
So, there's the time for grieving, of course.
- JSJay Shetty
Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
And that's the mentally healthy response to have-
- JSJay Shetty
Totally.
- MRMel Robbins
... the avalanche of emotions.
- JSJay Shetty
But if you're gonna be grateful, you sometimes have to do a counterintuitive practice. Instead of being grateful for what you have, think about how your life would be without something. I find that to be the greatest thing for gratitude. If I try and be grateful for something that I've had for a long time, I may get bored of it, I may be familiar with it. But if I ask myself, "What would my life be without that?" Oh, my gosh, all of a sudden, I'm so grateful. What would my life be without I... Have you ever had it where you just, like, hurt your little finger or, like, get a little cut, and now you can't use a finger or you can't use a thumb, and all of a sudden, you're like, "Oh, my God, I'm so grateful for my hand because what would my life be like without it?" This is the way we have to trick our mind. Humans are better at noticing something when it's about to go away. We always hear the phrase, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So, we have to use that in our favor to think, not, "What do I have that I'm so grateful for? What could I not live without?"
- MRMel Robbins
That is life-changing. I've never actually thought about it like that. I, I was sitting there the moment you said it and I thought, "How would I feel if Jay wasn't in my life?" And I- I- I'm grateful for you, but the second I- I envision you, sorry Jay, evaporating and not knowing you as a friend, it's like it 10X'd. And- and even- even the example of, you know, you said the finger. Like, I- I- I was in the hotel the other night, and I was walking to the bathroom, of course. It's a 56-year-old woman at three o'clock in the morning, and I hit my toe on the bed frame. You ever gotten anything like, "Oh."
- JSJay Shetty
Oh. Yeah. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And it feels like you've ripped it off your foot. It's amazing to me that my experience of that is, you know, screaming in agony and then thinking, "How can something so little hurt so much?" And your reframe is-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... imagine my life without my foot, and the gratitude that floods you. I mean, that's incredible, Jay.
- JSJay Shetty
It's, it really works. It really works.
- MRMel Robbins
It really works.
- JSJay Shetty
And it's so simple. And, you know, we can, you can apply it to small and big things. But even I was thinking as you were saying friendship, I was thinking about our friend, Dave Hollis.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And, you know, it's... I know you spoke at his, um, funeral, and- and I sadly couldn't be there. But as I'm thinking about it, I'm like, "I was grateful for Dave." I actually had some really beautiful interactions with Dave.
- MRMel Robbins
Same.
- 1:08:01 – 1:33:53
How to Let Love in Even When It’s Difficult
- JSJay Shetty
- MRMel Robbins
Jay, another thing that you remind us all that I just love is that bad times reveal who the great people are in your life.
- JSJay Shetty
Do people show up for you when you're going through a bad day? Are people present for your good days but absent for your bad days? Do people turn up, call, check in when things are going wrong? Does someone see the best in you when you're your worst self? Does someone see the good in you when you might be having a bad day? That person is more special than anyone you'll ever meet. So keep them close. Don't run the risk of pushing them away, losing them, taking them for granted. Because one day you'll wish that they'll call and check in, and you might have lost them by then. So, the bad times in our life genuinely show us the great people, because it's at that point that you're hard to support, you're hard to love, you're hard to give energy to. It might not be popular to be your friend. Which, what does that prove? It proves that person values you-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
... more than popularity. It proves that person values you more than their reputation. It proves that that person values you more than all the stress. That is the most special person you'll ever meet. And everyone has at least one of them. But the problem is, we want attention from these people, so we lose affection from these people.
- MRMel Robbins
It's so true. You're really good at that. You're really good at showing up for your friends.
- JSJay Shetty
(sighs) It's because people have shown up for me. That's the reality of it. I'm good at showing up for people because people have shown up for me. And it's not always the same people. That's the mistake we make. We think that the people we show up for should be the people that show up back for us.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, say more about that.
- JSJay Shetty
So we believe that when we show up for someone-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... they should show up for us. We want people to love us in the same way we love them. But people won't love you the way you love them. And that's okay, because there's someone over here who's showing up for you, and you're missing out on them. There's someone over here who's turning up for you, who's checking in on you. I remember saying to my monk teacher, I said, "I feel like I give so much love to others." I said, "I feel like I show up so much for other people, but they don't show up for me. What do I do?" And he said, "Love is like a circle. Whatever love you give out will always come back to you, but it might just not be from those people you gave it to-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
... in the first place. But if you spend your whole life wondering why that person doesn't give you love back, you're ignoring all these people over here who give you love all the time. So turn around. Look around you. There is someone who's showing up for you, turning up for you, checking in with you, even when you don't acknowledge them. And start looking towards that person and giving them some respect."
- MRMel Robbins
I wanna dig deeper into that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, please.
- MRMel Robbins
Because I feel like relationships have become extremely transactional.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
If I check in on you, you gotta check in on me, that's the sign that you care. And I love what you just said, that there are gonna be times where you show up for people, and they're not gonna show up for you, either because they can't or they don't (laughs) know what's going on, or they got other things going on, or they're not actually the right person to support you right now. And them showing up feels more like a, is gonna feel more like a burden. And so maybe that's also, spiritually speaking, why they're not showing up.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And I love the fact that if you think about love like a circle and you show up because that's who you are, and in those moments when you need support, recognize that there actually are people around you trying to support you, or that are capable of it if you simply let them know that you need it. That's a completely different way to think about things, because we keep score in relationships-... and that if I'm the one that's always reaching out to my siblings, that if they don't reach back to me, that it means they don't care.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And sometimes, it actually just means that's not how they express their love.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And that the thing that you're seeking from them actually is gonna come from a friend, and if you're keeping score in your relationships, you're actually the one that's gonna destroy them.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you, like, dig into that with me, Jay?
- JSJay Shetty
Wow, that's powerful, Mel. I- I- I love what you're saying, and- and it's- it's so true. It's, um... The first thing we have to ask ourself is, "Did I show up for you, for you, or did I show up for you, for me?"
- MRMel Robbins
What do you mean?
- JSJay Shetty
If I'm showing up for you, for you, then I don't need you to show up back for me.
- MRMel Robbins
Mmm.
Episode duration: 1:51:17
Install uListen for AI-powered chat & search across the full episode — Get Full Transcript
Transcript of episode MOVQponoBmI
Get more out of YouTube videos.
High quality summaries for YouTube videos. Accurate transcripts to search & find moments. Powered by ChatGPT & Claude AI.
Add to Chrome