The Mel Robbins PodcastCollege Drop Off: 6 Steps to Navigating Any Major Change Like a Pro | The Mel Robbins Podcast
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80 min read · 15,616 words- 0:00 – 2:55
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
Drum roll, please. (hands slapping table) Drop off. College drop off. It is the season of saying goodbye, of saying hello to new chapters, of dropping people off. This is an episode and a conversation for you whether or not you have kids, because every single one of us has a very difficult time dealing with change, and we also get triggered by the people that we love who get triggered by change. This is gonna be one of the best years of your life. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Today is a, uh, hot on the mic. What do we call this, Amy?
- AMAmy
Jump on the Mic.
- MRMel Robbins
Jump on the Mic episode.
- AMAmy
Yeah, let's jump.
- MRMel Robbins
Jump on the Mic episode. I was downstairs, uh, talking with two colleagues, and we were talking about, drum roll please. (hands slapping table) Drop off. College drop off. It is the season of saying goodbye, of saying hello to new chapters, of dropping people off-
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... of helping people move into new jobs, move into school, start a new grade. I guarantee you, either you or somebody that you love is going through a major change right now. They are starting at university and you're about to drop 'em off. They're going into their senior year of high school. That's what's happening here in the Robbins household with our son, Oakley. You've made a new sports team. Wow. And it's game on, like, you actually made the Division One. Let's fricking go. Oh, no. Have you ever noticed that about changing, that you can be really excited about something? You can be excited about moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend or significant other. You can be excited about the new job that you're starting in the fall. You can be excited about starting to finally date again after a divorce or a breakup, but you're also nervous. And so as we were starting to share stories around the island in the kitchen, there was so much meaty, amazing stuff happening. I'm like, "Everybody shut up. We're going upstairs-"
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
"...we're turning on the microphones and we're talking about this." And this is an episode and a conversation for you whether or not you have kids. This is an episode and a conversation for you whether or not you have anybody going back to school or starting a new job, because every single one of us has a very difficult time dealing with change, and we also get triggered by the people that we love who get triggered by change. And so let's just start with, um, uh, Lynn, who is sitting right here to my right, and she was the one who started this domino fall by saying that you just dropped off your
- 2:55 – 4:32
Hear one mom’s mistake after dropping her child off at college.
- MRMel Robbins
daughter in college.
- LYLynne
Yes. You know, it's heart-wrenching every time. I think it's just part of the process. I think it will be this way every year. Um, and I just know that this is part of what's going to happen, right? This is the transition.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- LYLynne
Um-
- MRMel Robbins
Why is it heart wrenching for you?
- LYLynne
Um, seeing emotion from either of my children. I had this with my firstborn as well, um, dropping him off the first year, he thought he made the biggest mistake, chose the wrong school because he did not know a soul.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- LYLynne
And it's really scary to leave them in a state of, you know, kind of emotional distress.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- LYLynne
It is so hard, and I didn't do the right thing the first time around.
- MRMel Robbins
What didn't you do?
- LYLynne
Let me just say.
- MRMel Robbins
Let's hear the big mistake.
- AMAmy
(laughs) Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
Lay it on us.
- LYLynne
Oh, everything went wrong, because I was so sucked into the emotions that he was feeling that I was crying, I was upset. I was not strong for him at all.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- LYLynne
I wasn't encouraging him. I was wanting to take him home.
- AMAmy
You were in it with him.
- LYLynne
I was so in it with him.
- AMAmy
I get that.
- LYLynne
And I... Yeah, and I think I learned that I am an empath-
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- LYLynne
... so I take on the emotions of other people. Um, I mean, a dog trainer told me once that I was, you know, the weak link, so... (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- LYLynne
Uh, it's true. I was then the weak link, because anytime anybody else was suffering or upset or I thought I was putting somebody into this uncomfortable place, um, I just fell apart and I had to save them. And I was robbing them of the opportunity to rise up and deal with change, because we all have to learn how to do that, so.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- LYLynne
W-
- 4:32 – 8:08
And what this mom did differently for her second child.
- LYLynne
as I, you know, went through this with my son and now with my daughter, although they're two different people, um, I know that the best thing to do for them is to encourage and to just remember and remind them of the skills they have, to rise up, to be able to handle anything, you know, and it makes them stronger adults, so.
- MRMel Robbins
So what did you do differently dropping off your daughter the last couple days-
- LYLynne
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... that you screwed up with your son at that first drop off?
- LYLynne
Oh, yeah, that's clear. (laughs) Uh, dropping off my daughter, even though she was still emotional and loves her school-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- LYLynne
... like, really excited to get back, loves her school, but it's a new, you know, new living situation-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- LYLynne
... new people, surrounded by new people. Um, but what I did differently is that it's more of a encouragement that, "You've got this." I don't show my emotion. Even though she's emotional, I just... Something just has to turn off in my brain and let her be emotional-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- LYLynne
... understand that this is her transition, and I reminded her.
- MRMel Robbins
Sounds like you're being a cold bitch.
- AMAmy
Yeah. (laughs)
- LYLynne
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Is that what you did? You're literally like-
- LYLynne
I am. I- I do- Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... I'm flipping off-
- LYLynne
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... the weak link with the dog trainer-
- LYLynne
Oh, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... empath mode, and I'm like, "Pfft."
- LYLynne
Yeah, it is kind of-
- MRMel Robbins
Is that really what-
- LYLynne
Yeah. It is that. You feel like you are-
- MRMel Robbins
Because I kind of got the sense where you're like, "I'm turning-"
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"... this off."
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- LYLynne
Yes.
- AMAmy
But, you know, I will say this, if you don't mind-
- 8:08 – 10:27
The drop-off experience that I wish I’d done differently.
- MRMel Robbins
I needed this conversation, and I'll tell you why. Um, I hate feeling people in distress. And I remember when we dropped off, uh, our oldest, Sawyer, and she won't mind telling me. Uh, she manages her discomfort around transitions by making lists and organizing.
- LYLynne
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
She was packed, color-coordinated, had reached out to roommates to pick up the bedspreads. She had mason jars selected for all of the office supplies-
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... she would never use, all lined up.
- LYLynne
Oh.
- MRMel Robbins
And I remember pulling into Boston College, and she just froze. And we set up her room, and she was completely disassociated. You could tell she had left her body. She was having an out-of-body experience. We, I'll, I, I remember this moment where she was sitting up on her bed, and we, of course, had to buy the little stands that lift up the bed-
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... to put the dressers underneath it.
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And so she's sitting there. She looked like a little kid 'cause her feet were dangling on top of this big bed-
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... that we had lifted up with the things from Bed Bath & Beyond, and oh my god. And I said to her, "Are you okay?" And she said, "No, I, I think I made a mistake."
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"I don't think I can do this. I, this doesn't feel right." And I said, "Well, why? Do you wanna go do something?" Instead of saying, "No, we've moved you in. It's time to face it." And so we drove into Boston, and we walked around the Container Store and to Target, and we had the world's worst kind of early dinner trying to kill time-
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... as you could tell that she just didn't wanna go back, and it was a major mistake. And I remember when we dropped off Kendall at USC. Again, I love what you just said about the fact, if you spend a year picking this place, you have to give it a year. I think that's a good barometer for a job too. Yeah. And let- Or for grade school. Like if you spent a year working up to this next grade- Mm-hmm. ... give it a year- Yes. ... before you real- think like, "Oh, this, you know, like I'm, I'm still afraid. I'm not gonna make this happen." Yes.
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
You, you spent a year. Yes. I love that.
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And I remember how hard it was for Kendall to get into this program. I've talked about it on this, this podcast,
- 10:27 – 11:57
Say THIS to your kids to help them ride the wave of emotions.
- MRMel Robbins
that was like winning American Idol-
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and, and Division I recruiting to get into-
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... this pop music major program at USC. It's all she wanted to do. This was her dream. We got out there. She was a blubbering mess. Yeah. Sobbing, like just clinging to you when you were saying goodbye.
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And we're like, "We gotta go. We're, we're actually flying out. We gotta go." And then, of course, I get upset. And I do think getting sucked into their nervousness, which is normal, is destabilizing for them when you're not strong through it.
- AMAmy
Yes, I agree.
- MRMel Robbins
Like there's a way to validate, hey, and one of the things that I wanted to share with you guys immediately is, steal this. All three of us have one major takeaway from this, and it's that one of the things that you can say to somebody is, "Of course, you're upset. This is your process for going through change."
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"You always do this. You always think and get so excited, and then you get there, and you don't like it. This shows me that you're mentally well. This shows me that you're going through your process. This makes me feel good that you're sad, uh, even though you thought you'd be excited because this is what you always do before any major change that turns out great."
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"And so you gotta ride the wave because this is part of your process. Don't expect it to be exciting." And I think that's part of why these changes are so hard for people because you literally build them up, like sophomore year, junior year, "Life after
- 11:57 – 15:37
What you think you will feel is different from reality and that’s ok.
- MRMel Robbins
college is gonna be freaking awesome. I'm moving to New York City. I'm doing this. I'm doing that." And then this thing that you've just built up in your mind is coming at you, and you go, "This doesn't feel like I thought it was gonna feel."
- AMAmy
No.
- MRMel Robbins
... at all, and then you freak out. Why? Because it's new. That's why it doesn't feel like what you thought it would feel.
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
What you think it's gonna feel like in your mind is very different than how your body experiences it as it's happening.
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And I need this conversation, and I realize it because one week from today, our daughter is moving back to Los Angeles to start life after college. And just yesterday, I was saying goodbye to seven of her best friends from USC who had come for her birthday weekend, and they were all getting teary-eyed because some are going in one direction, others are going in the other direction, and I remember that moment so well-
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... from my own life-
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... when everybody scatters, and you go to yourself, "Things are never gonna be the same again, because we're never gonna be in the same place again-"
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"... at the same time-"
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"... living all together."
- AMAmy
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
And my life is moving forward whether I want it to or not. And so Chris is flying out a week from today to help Kendall move into her first big girl apartment and start life. And Sawyer is leaving in 22 days for this trip she's been saving for, for five years to go travel in Asia alone.
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And you know what she's doing right now? She's making lists.
- LYLynne
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
She's not buying mason jars-
- AMAmy
No.
- MRMel Robbins
... because she can't take them in her backpack-
- LYLynne
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... but lists, you gotta embrace the lists, everybody.
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Lists and lists-
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... and lists-
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- 15:37 – 18:21
The #1 tool you have to let your child borrow from you..
- LYLynne
amazing-
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- LYLynne
... because it's true, they need encouragement.
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- LYLynne
They just need you to be confident, not sucked into the, the emotion-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- LYLynne
... and just be okay with the emotion-
- AMAmy
Yes.
- LYLynne
... like that... We're not okay when we see somebody upset, right?
- AMAmy
Right.
- LYLynne
That's hard.
- AMAmy
Right.
- LYLynne
But you know on the other side of that, if you encourage-
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- LYLynne
... they are go- they are going to triumph, so.
- AMAmy
They are.
- LYLynne
They are.
- AMAmy
In their own way.
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- AMAmy
And then-
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- AMAmy
... they move up that ladder of life-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- AMAmy
... and they, like-
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- AMAmy
... do four months in Spain, and then the next thing you know, like they're-
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- AMAmy
... doing something else really awesome.
- LYLynne
Right.
- AMAmy
I'm not gonna-
- 18:21 – 22:50
Use this preschool trick from psychologists when you leave your kids.
- AMAmy
Isn't that exciting, right?
- MRMel Robbins
That is a huge takeaway, so I wanna make sure we take a highlighter and highlight it. Amy's sharing a technique that tons of psychologists and researchers talk about, which is creating a bridge between this moment and something in the future, and they always say that when you drop a little one off at a daycare or school, you build that bridge. You're like, "I'm gonna see you tonight. I'll be here to pick you up. You're gonna have a great day playing with your friends, and I'm gonna come back, and then we're gonna do this." And the same thing, "I'll see you at Thanksgiving. I'll see you in a couple of months when I come visit. I'll see you in a, in a week or so." And so creating a bridge is a wonderful way to provide that emotional stability, and I also want to take a minute and highlight two things. Lynn was talking about this ability that she's created, right, when she dropped her daughter off this year, to switch gears and to feel that pull like, "Oh my God, I'm going in. I'm going into the tidal wave," and then flip into a mode of strength. And Amy, I keep thinking about what you said, which is the way that you show up in those moments allows the people that you love to borrow your belief in them.
- AMAmy
Yeah, I love that. That is so cool. Yeah, I mean, it's so important. I know I really needed that when I was little, and I don't know that I got it all the time, and I know when I did receive it, I did so much better. You know, I really was able to ground myself in the understanding that I could do it, rather than panic about not being able to do it. So I think borrowing confidence from other people-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- AMAmy
...is, is a life skill.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AMAmy
Because you're not only managing other people through change. You have to learn how to manage yourself through change.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- AMAmy
Right? You have to learn how to manage yourself through even just the day-to-day stuff, the hot water's not working, like, "How am I gonna do this?" You know, all these little things, and big things. "How can I do this?" And if you're overwhelmed, it's gonna be a lot harder, but if you have even just a sliver of confidence, you know, even just like a little light through the crack of that disbelief that you have, there's a light of confidence, like, "Well, I handled something like this before." "I did freshman year. Maybe sophomore year I could do," right? Like, "I did nursery school. First grade's gonna be a little bit better maybe." If you can get that confidence somehow, either from somebody else or something that you've done in the past, I don't know, that's how I manage myself, and that's, I think, what I'm teaching my kids.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. I had never thought about it that way, like, that the role in that moment of drop-off is to act in a way where you're exuding confidence in their ability. Yeah, you acknowledge this is gonna be really hard, and you're right. Junior year doesn't feel like sophomore year did-
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
...and you're not living with the same people and, you know, the same people aren't on campus, and people have graduated. So it's not gonna be exactly the same, but it could be even better, and this is gonna be hard, and I believe in you, and I believe when I see you again, you're gonna be doing great, and I love you, and I miss you. And then look them in the eye, give them a big old hug and kiss, then turn around and pretend you actually feel all those things as you walk away.
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Right? You gotta walk-
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
...away-
- AMAmy
You do.
- MRMel Robbins
...without sobbing-
- AMAmy
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
...and running back for that hug like I always do. Do not do that move.
- AMAmy
Yes, no, that's-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- AMAmy
...that's-
- MRMel Robbins
Kiss of death.
- AMAmy
Yeah. Kiss of death. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. Well, I wanna turn to you, Lynn. I don't mean to put you on the spot, but you're doing this for yourself because you left a job where you were for 10 years very successful, and you are brand new to our team, and you're here in Vermont at our, the first off-site that we've had where you've been on the team. How are you coaching yourself through a big transition? Because, you know, we've been talking about being that confidence, you know what I'm saying-
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
...for someone else. How are you doing it for yourself? Because you don't even look slightly-
- LYLynne
Well-
- MRMel Robbins
...nervous.
- 22:50 – 29:46
Remember this the next time you start to overthink.
- LYLynne
Um, but I just don't give myself permission to, to listen to that voice. I don't. I just know that I'm, I've been capable before of transition. I am not afraid of change. Even though it's uncomfortable, I know I can do it. So I just keep telling myself that, and it's interesting you ask, because I mentioned to my daughter this morning, "I'm going through all these things too." You know, "Even a- as upset as you are, I know this is gonna be perfect. Like you're gonna l- you loved last year," right? And I didn't even know if she would get emotional this year. I was kind of hoping I'd escape it. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Yeah.
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- LYLynne
But, um, you know, I didn't, and so-
- MRMel Robbins
More practice for you, Lynn.
- LYLynne
Yeah, yeah, but it's, you know, it's perfect because now I have something I can say to her-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- LYLynne
...that, "You know, I'm going through all this too. I don't know if the team's gonna like me or if I'm gonna be the right person for this job, but I'm going for it, and I'm just telling myself that I know I can do it, just the way you can, and you are going to thrive this year." And she feels so confid- I know just in the responses that I get from her that that gives her that, that little boost of confidence that she doesn't quite yet have for herself.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- LYLynne
But over college transitions, job transitions, every transition, if we as the parents can do that for them, to just, like you said, you know, be that, that voice kind of giving them that confidence that, you know, maybe they just need that little push. Eventually, they'll do it for themselves-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- LYLynne
...you know, and they won't need us, and then they'll be doing it for their kids and...
- MRMel Robbins
One other thing that I'm realizing, uh, talking to you guys is I think one of the reasons why I've always been so triggered in these goodbye moments-... is because I left home at 18.
- AMAmy
Ah.
- MRMel Robbins
And I never moved back.
- LYLynne
Wow.
- AMAmy
Wow.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, I left Michigan to go to Dartmouth, and it's not like you drive home for a weekend.
- LYLynne
Hmm. Right.
- MRMel Robbins
And so, I would only see my parents on the big holidays.
- LYLynne
Wow.
- MRMel Robbins
And then I stayed on the East Coast for jobs and for internships, and never went home. And so, I think part of what I carry into these transitional moments, like, I am thanking God I'm not the one moving Kendall-
- LYLynne
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... in.
- LYLynne
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
Because these stir up so much-
- LYLynne
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... for me, like, "Am I ever gonna see you again? Does this mean you're gonna live in LA forever?" And I know intellectually, I just want you to live wherever you are happy.
- LYLynne
Mm-hmm.
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- 29:46 – 31:57
Recapping 4 major takeaways.
- MRMel Robbins
so deep. That's what Kendall always says to me, "Not everything's that deep, mom."
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
You know, just 'cause you're moving me into an apartment doesn't mean you need to get that deep.
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
You could just stand in confidence and go, "Go get them."
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Good luck paying your bills 'cause this is it. This is the moment we've been waiting for.
- LYLynne
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Um, and I think what you both have said about like sort of flip the switch, know your role in that moment-
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Don't let it get too deep, be confident about what's about to happen for them and exude it so that they can borrow it from you.
- LYLynne
Yes.
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
That fucking helps me. Thank you. Does anything else come up for you guys in terms of those moments? And then I'm gonna share one story quickly that is super important that I think everyone will get a lot of value out of.
- AMAmy
I had something come up, but I totally forgot what it was.
- LYLynne
Yeah, I just think that, you know, what you just said is- is great, and like, you might get emotional, but that's okay. You can get emotional with them and tell them, "You've got this," like, "This is what you want." And really ask them questions, because maybe she does want to go to New York, but maybe she doesn't, right? And so-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, she does, she talks about it ..........................
- LYLynne
She does want to go-
- AMAmy
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- LYLynne
(laughs)
- AMAmy
That's awesome.
- LYLynne
But I- I think it, you know, it's like, we, that would be music to your ears if she wanted to change her mind, but you don't want her to give up on her dream either, so it's like, really being the one, the voice, to ask those probing questions even when we might want something. You know?
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- LYLynne
And it's really up to us to say, "Well, what," you know, "what would your path look like?" And just make sure that they are making the decision not to please us, because I could get really comfortable with that. Like, (laughs) I could totally lead that, right?
- MRMel Robbins
You're okay with causing that much guilt trip for people, right?
- LYLynne
I- I- I- I could, I could. (laughs)
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- LYLynne
But would I be serving my kids and their futures? No, I wouldn't. So.
- MRMel Robbins
You know what else this makes me think of? Is those phone calls I got from our daughters when they were first at school, sitting alone, crying. And I'll tell you what really helped, is this idea of narrowing their focus. Acknowledge that it's hard, say you're not the only one, but you gotta narrow their focus. Let me tell you what I mean by that. My friend, Carrie Lorenz, who's the first female,
- 31:57 – 33:36
A fighter pilot shares how to gain control of your emotions.
- MRMel Robbins
uh, F-14 fighter pilot, wrote a book called Span of Control, and in an emergency situation, there are only three dials that matter in a fighter jet. That's it. And you gotta narrow your focus so that you can gain control. And so, if you are gonna get that teary phone call, "I don't think I can do this," somebody's crying from the bathroom stall at a new job, or, you know, after a big sports practice at a new team that one of your kids has made, they're, you know, like, really upset. "I don't think I can..." Narrow their focus. What can you do in the next hour? What can you do in the next hour? What could you focus on? Because part of what happens, I think, in these moments of change, whether you're at a new job or you're sitting in your dorm room alone, is you're like, "I don't know what to do. I'm in a new neighborhood, what do I do? I feel like a dork. I feel like the only one. I don't know anybody at work. I don't know what people are talking about." You have to get out of your office, you have to get out of your cubicle, you have to get out of your room, and you have to force yourself to start walking around and talking to people. That'll make you feel better. It's the same thing when we moved here. Like, I wasn't going to meet anybody if I sat in my house and cried. I had to get to the coffee shop. I had to push myself out of that freeze mode and through my discomfort and keep reminding myself, "Mel, this feeling is normal. You're going through a big change. It's gonna pass, but bitch, you gotta do something about it. Like, you want friends? You get your butt out there." And the same is true with you, and the same is true with the people you love. Another thing that's really helpful is that if somebody is overwhelmed by going through change, a lot of times, the response to it is to freeze.
- 33:36 – 35:23
I’ve used this trick often to help others adjust to change in their lives.
- MRMel Robbins
As you've been learning in a lot of episodes, freezing and procrastinating is a kind of anxiety or even a trauma response to something very overwhelming, and change is always overwhelming. It's just part of the duality of it. We are learning this today. Um, is coach the people in your life to put some things in their calendar. Take a look at what's going on this week. What could you plan to do? Who could you reach out to, uh, at, you know, that you've met in the DMs and set up a lunch? Who could you ask to go to the cafeteria with you? Those sort of bread crumbing of dates with people or things to do or sign up for this event so that when you look at you- your calendar, you see forward motion.
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
I got a call from, um, a gal that I consider to be, like, one of my daughters. You know who you are. And she had pulled over on the side of a road and was calling me because she was having a panic attack, and I asked her, "Okay, well, tell me, uh, first of all, tell me, what do you see around you?" So I used that grounding technique where you go, "Tell me one thing that you can see. Tell me, you know, something that you can hear right now." And then we started breathing together, and I told her to put her hand on her heart. And so we, like, helped her drop into the moment and really ground into her body. And the dogs are barking right now. It's okay. We're gonna just keep on rolling 'cause this is one of those hot-on-the-mic, uh, kind of episodes. Um, we started talking, and she was explaining all this stuff that was going on. She had just graduated. The job that she was starting had been delayed. The family has just moved. Mom has a big job. Um, her grandfather's sick. And what I said to her was this. I said, "You know,
- 35:23 – 40:28
Feeling sad or uncertain about change? Good; you’re normal.
- MRMel Robbins
the fact that you're upset and kind of panicking right now tells me that you're mentally healthy-
- LYLynne
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"... because anybody going through this level of change and that much transition, you should feel completely turned around. And so the fact that this is bothering you tells me you're well."
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- AMAmy
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"And I also want to remind you that it's temporary. And the most important thing that you could do is to remind yourself this is temporary. Uh, the fact that I'm bothered by all of this change and I'm upset about it and I feel out of sorts is a sign that I'm doing well because I should-
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"... feel out of sorts."
- LYLynne
That's true.
- MRMel Robbins
"I'm in a new environment. There's a lot of change going on." And the same is true when you move back to school or you start a new grade or you start that new job. It's a sign that you're mentally well if you're turned upside down, because everything is new, and your body needs time to process the new environment and the new rhythm and the new people around you and the new space that you're living or working in and the new commute and the new everything. And it's really a good sign that even though you're excited, you're nervous, and you feel activated."... that's because there's so much new stuff for you to learn and absorb right now. And so, if you can remind yourself that it's temporary.
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And if you can take a deep breath and tell yourself that, "The fact that I'm upset about this change doesn't mean that it's gonna be bad, it just means I'm going through change."
- AMAmy
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
"This is my process." And I want to personally say to you two, thank you, because when, um, I am not dropping off Kendall, but metaphorically, I'm gonna think, when I say goodbye to her on Sunday night and she and Chris drive down-
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... I'm gonna put my hands on her beautiful cheeks-
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and I'm gonna look her straight in the eye, and I'm gonna say, "I know that this is gonna be hard, but it's only gonna be hard for a little bit."
- AMAmy
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"And I believe in you. And remember, this is how you do change. It sucks for two weeks. Just get into a good rhythm, and before you know it, you're gonna be better than you ever imagined. I love you. Go get 'em." And then I'm gonna turn around, I'm gonna pull my shoulders back, and I'm gonna stomp away from her like I meant it, because I do, and as soon as I turn the corner, I will collapse-
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... and have one of the dogs start crying 'cause she's leaving.
- AMAmy
(laughs)
- LYLynne
Sounds right. (laughs) That sounds right.
- AMAmy
And that's how we do change here on the Mel Robbins Podcast.
- LYLynne
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
That's right.
- AMAmy
I love it.
- MRMel Robbins
Like some fucking powerful bitches.
- AMAmy
Yeah.
Episode duration: 40:28
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