Do This for 1 Week to Manifest the Future You Want with Shonda Rhimes

1. 0:00 – 4:51

   Meet the Guest

   1. SRShonda Rhimes0:00

      ... and didn't really have a life that I was living that I found happy. I mean, I am a person who loves weddings, I really am. And I love love, obviously. I write about it all the time. And it's not that I don't love dating and l- I, I just got engaged and felt suffocated in a way that terrified me.

   2. MRMel Robbins0:16

      Wow.

   3. SRShonda Rhimes0:17

      Yeah.

   4. MRMel Robbins0:18

      If I take everything to heart that you're about to share with us and teach us today, what could change about my life?

   5. SRShonda Rhimes0:26

      It's to believe that you have the possibility of changing your own life. I mean, I think that we lose that sometimes. We think, "I'm stuck here. There's no way out." The reality of it is, is the only person who can change your life is you.

   6. MRMel Robbins0:37

      Shonda Rhimes is an award-winning television creator, producer, author, and CEO of the global media company Shondaland.

   7. SRShonda Rhimes0:45

      The rule was, is that I was gonna say yes to everything that scared me for one year. And that seemed very terrifying.

   8. MRMel Robbins0:51

      Did everyone think you were crazy?

   9. SRShonda Rhimes0:53

      Everyone thought I was insane. Why do you like them and want them to be happier than you like yourself and want yourself to be happy? Like, that's the thing. You are literally choosing another person over your own happiness and contentment for reasons that make no sense. It's not gonna be a friendship-ender, and if it is, that person's the wrong friend anyway. That person's not your friend if this is gonna ruin your friendship because you won't do what they want you to do. That's a problem. So many things could change about your life. Just start with the idea of yes to talking to yourself like you matter. You know, the words that we say to ourselves is like casting a spell. After a while, you say them enough, you know, they start to really mean something to you. You know, we are far more capable than we give ourselves credit for. Doing the thing that you've been so afraid of generally undoes the fear, so you might as well change, or at least make the attempt.

   10. MRMel Robbins1:44

       Shonda Rhimes, welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast.

   11. SRShonda Rhimes1:48

       Thank you for having me.

   12. MRMel Robbins1:48

       Well, thank you for making the trip. I'm so excited to meet you. I've admired your work for a very long time, and I'm excited to have the chance to learn from you, and I'm excited for the person that's with us right now-

   13. SRShonda Rhimes2:01

       Mm-hmm.

   14. MRMel Robbins2:02

       ... to be inspired by, and motivated by, and transformed by the things you're about to share. And that's where I wanna start. If I take everything to heart-

   15. SRShonda Rhimes2:13

       Mm-hmm.

   16. MRMel Robbins2:13

       ... that you're about to share with us and teach us today, what could change about my life?

   17. SRShonda Rhimes2:19

       So many things could change about your life. I think the point is for you to figure out where the problems are in your life-

   18. MRMel Robbins2:26

       Hmm.

   19. SRShonda Rhimes2:27

       ... and how you can take the things that you've been living with, but been dissatisfied by, and change them. I mean, that's really the goal.

   20. MRMel Robbins2:34

       You know, I tore through your book.

   21. SRShonda Rhimes2:37

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins2:37

       I want you to go out and buy this book. It is absolutely fabulous. It is gonna be absolutely everywhere. Everyone's gonna be talking about it. But what I found was really interesting, and you're gonna find this to be interesting too, is that when you originally wrote the book, you were at the height of your caree- I mean, you were winning. W- you were, like, just, like-

   23. SRShonda Rhimes2:58

       Yeah.

   24. MRMel Robbins2:59

       ... everything, and yet, you felt like you were hiding?

   25. SRShonda Rhimes3:03

       I really did. You know, it's interesting. Like, yeah, it was, I owned all of Thursday night, and things were going great. I realized that my characters were living these extraordinary, amazing, imaginative, great lives, and I was living in a very small corner of my own life and not willing to step out of it. I was saying no to everything that anybody asked me to do. I was very shy, very... I mean, I had confidence in my writing, and that was probably about it. But I was not, I did not have confidence in myself when I was not a character-

   26. MRMel Robbins3:36

       Mm.

   27. SRShonda Rhimes3:36

       ... you know, when I wasn't writing in the voice of a character. And my life had become really, really small and very unhappy.

   28. MRMel Robbins3:43

       I think so many of us can relate to this idea that life starts to feel halt, very small.

   29. SRShonda Rhimes3:48

       Mm-hmm.

   30. MRMel Robbins3:49

       And the other thing that really struck me about that is that you had, a- at least in the world, like, you've got a very unique life, because in your writing and, and the shows that you're producing and all the stories that you're telling, you are actually seeing the characters come to life.
2. 4:51 – 10:29

   Shonda Rhimes' “Year of Yes”: Why Saying Yes Changes Everything

   1. SRShonda Rhimes4:51

      of us are blocked by this huge chasm of fear, right? The, f- being afraid to actually do the thing, being stopped by it simply because you don't even know how to begin.

   2. MRMel Robbins5:00

      Huh.

   3. SRShonda Rhimes5:01

      Um, being too afraid to just make the leap, because what if it doesn't work out? That, that, I think, is what stops most of us. And then to make that leap and to leap into it is a really terrifying thing. So, I think it's really relatable to have that level of fear and, and this block between where you wanna be, like, where you imagine you can be and where you think you could actually get to.

   4. MRMel Robbins5:22

      Well, what's fascinating about your life and, and when you read the book you're really gonna get a sense of this, is that your life from the outside-

   5. SRShonda Rhimes5:30

      Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins5:30

      ... looks so big and is so impactful. And so, it is kind of stunning when you really read and start to understand that your experience was that it was really small and you were saying no to things. Like, what were you afraid of?

   7. SRShonda Rhimes5:49

      I think everything. I mean, I really do think I was a person who uniquely was raised with a very big confidence in my writing voice.

   8. MRMel Robbins5:56

      Yeah.

   9. SRShonda Rhimes5:56

      Right? So I was very comfortable with that. But anything else, I was not. I lived through, and had for my whole life basically, lived through stories.

   10. MRMel Robbins6:04

       Mm-hmm.

   11. SRShonda Rhimes6:04

       I had experienced things that way. I wrote about things. I worked things out psychologically by writing them down. None of it had anything to do with being in the actual real world.

   12. MRMel Robbins6:14

       (laughs)

   13. SRShonda Rhimes6:14

       You know, none of it.And so, I was always very awkward in the real world. It was a very different environment than the world inside my head. And in a weird way, it hampered me, because I did stay in my imagination.

   14. MRMel Robbins6:26

       Mm.

   15. SRShonda Rhimes6:26

       Right? All the things you imagine and dream, well I could make those things come true by putting them on the television screen and sharing them with an audience. But that had nothing to do with me personally.

   16. MRMel Robbins6:35

       You know what I just had this crazy vision of? I had this incredible vision of you in your, you know, at your des- you're writing all this stuff, you're upping your imagination and living in this world, and yet you have this experience of having this small world and yet feeling blocked by fear.

   17. SRShonda Rhimes6:52

       Yeah.

   18. MRMel Robbins6:52

       Do you know how many millions of people around the world were sitting on their couches, escaping their small lives-

   19. SRShonda Rhimes7:00

       Oh my gosh.

   20. MRMel Robbins7:00

       ... through the characters and the worlds that you were building and in, when you watch the, the work that you do, you can't help but think of something bigger, you can't help but think about different-

   21. SRShonda Rhimes7:10

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins7:10

       ... relationships, can't help but think about different moments in, in history, and you open us up to this bigger possibility, but then you know what happens? The show's over.

   23. SRShonda Rhimes7:19

       Right, and you go back to your life.

   24. MRMel Robbins7:20

       Yes.

   25. SRShonda Rhimes7:21

       Yeah.

   26. MRMel Robbins7:22

       Yes.

   27. SRShonda Rhimes7:22

       Same for me.

   28. MRMel Robbins7:23

       Yes.

   29. SRShonda Rhimes7:23

       E- exactly. I, I just got to live in it longer. And so, in a lot of ways was, um, tricked by it longer I think, because I was living this glorious existence inside of a television screen on a sound stage that had nothing to do with the world.

   30. MRMel Robbins7:37

       Wow. Why does saying no and allowing your fear of trying anything new or putting yourself out there or even just showing up at a networking event or whatever it may be that you're saying no to, why does that feel like it's safe or it's somehow protecting you?
3. 10:29 – 16:55

   The Mindset That Changes Your Life Immediately

   1. SRShonda Rhimes10:29

      afraid to make a move because, well for me I'd been saying no so long at a certain point I didn't even know how to say yes.

   2. MRMel Robbins10:35

      (laughs)

   3. SRShonda Rhimes10:35

      It felt, it felt like un- uncrazy, it felt fath- unfathomable that I would suddenly just say yes to something and g- leave the house. And I think for other people, that's true in many ways. Like you said, download the application to nursing school, I think there's so many people who are like, "I wish I could be this."

   4. MRMel Robbins10:51

      Hm.

   5. SRShonda Rhimes10:51

      Or, "I wish I could do this, but I can't."

   6. MRMel Robbins10:52

      Yes.

   7. SRShonda Rhimes10:52

      And they don't have a reason why they can't.

   8. MRMel Robbins10:54

      Yes.

   9. SRShonda Rhimes10:55

      The same reason why I have, don't have a reason why I could go out, couldn't go to a dinner party. You just don't have it in you.

   10. MRMel Robbins11:00

       Yes.

   11. SRShonda Rhimes11:00

       And the reality was, you do.

   12. MRMel Robbins11:02

       So what happened? Like, you know, I, I, wh-

   13. SRShonda Rhimes11:04

       (laughs) .

   14. MRMel Robbins11:04

       ... like what was it, it starts with your sister-

   15. SRShonda Rhimes11:07

       Yes.

   16. MRMel Robbins11:07

       ... but like put us at the scene.

   17. SRShonda Rhimes11:09

       So, uh, my oldest sister is 12 years older than me and kind of like almost a second mom, and she's cooking Thanksgiving dinner and she's u- she's doing it at my house 'cause we're gonna host the family, and I'm going on and on to her like sort of bragging about all of the invitations and all of the wonderful things that are happening for me, and going back and forth about, you know, literally I think I'd been invited by the King of Monaco somewhere, like all kinds of crazy things. The, in New York they wanted me to do this and this and this and I got invited to this party, and my sister just stopped and looked at me because she knows me and she goes, "Shonda, are you gonna do any of these things?" And I remember feeling like shocked that she'd even asked that question. I was like, "Absolutely not. Like, there's no way." And I had my reasons, I was like, "I'm a mom of three, I have all these shows on television, like I don't have time for any of this." And she really gave me like a, a lecture and then kind of said, "You never say yes to anything." And it stuck with me, those words just stuck with me for a while as being really true.

   18. MRMel Robbins12:08

       Mm.

   19. SRShonda Rhimes12:08

       And the more and more I thought about it, the more true it w- it was and the more clear it was, that she was right, I wasn't saying yes to anything.

   20. MRMel Robbins12:16

       Sometimes, somebody that you love, like, drops a grenade in your head-

   21. SRShonda Rhimes12:20

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins12:20

       ... and it tick, tick, ticks, and then it goes off, and you write in your blockbuster bestseller. I'm gonna read you your own words from page 48. This is the chapter, um, yes?

   23. SRShonda Rhimes12:31

       (laughs)

   24. MRMel Robbins12:33

       "I'm not enthusiastic, but I am determined. My logic is wildly simple. It goes like this. Saying no has gotten me here. Here sucks. Saying yes might be my way to someplace better. If not a way to someplace better, at least to someplace different."

   25. SRShonda Rhimes12:55

       Yes.

   26. MRMel Robbins12:56

       What does that mean?

   27. SRShonda Rhimes12:58

       To me, it felt like I had absolutely nothing to lose. Like, where I was already was completely unsatisfying. I was already miserable.

   28. MRMel Robbins13:04

       And what were you miserable... C- you know, 'cause, because again, like-

   29. SRShonda Rhimes13:07

       Right.

   30. MRMel Robbins13:07

       ... were you lonely? Were you just f- or was it that nagging sense that you knew that there was something, and you were the one holding yourself? Like, what was it?
4. 16:55 – 23:03

   How to Set Health & Wellness Goals That Stick

   1. SRShonda Rhimes16:55

      health did turn out to be a pretty big one. And that was really... I f- I was, you know, I think I'm beautiful at any size, and I am. And I generally would fight anybody who would say anything otherwise. But I felt horrible. Like, physically I had gotten to a size and a weight that I felt physically bad all the time. And so I decided that I had to figure out, like, what I, like, what to do about this.

   2. MRMel Robbins17:16

      Huh.

   3. SRShonda Rhimes17:16

      And so I decided to say yes to my body, like, yes to my health.

   4. MRMel Robbins17:19

      Okay.

   5. SRShonda Rhimes17:20

      And it was small, it was small things. It was figuring out ... Like, I went to my doctor and I said, like, "I don't wanna be fat anymore. Help me. What do I do?" Like, things like that.

   6. MRMel Robbins17:27

      Yeah.

   7. SRShonda Rhimes17:27

      And it really was about just deciding, okay, I'm gonna listen to the doctor and do what she tells me. I'm gonna say yes to the idea that maybe I should be drinking more water. And I'm gonna say yes to the idea that I'm gonna figure out when I'm hungry, because I had never once in my life eaten because I was hungry.

   8. MRMel Robbins17:41

      Hmm.

   9. SRShonda Rhimes17:41

      Like, that never even occurred to me that that could be a thing your body does. Like, my body w- I was always full, I just wanted food. And so it, you know, people talk about, you know, how food is, you know, bad for you and bla... Food i- food works. Emotionally, it works. You could put food on, you know, cheesecake can go right on top of your heartbreak and macaroni and cheese lies well on top of your disappointment. Like, food works. It really does. But it was numbing me. And so really discovering that was really this internal journey of discovering why I felt this way and why my-

   10. MRMel Robbins18:12

       Hmm.

   11. SRShonda Rhimes18:12

       ... emotions were that, and so in the end, I ended up losing a ton of weight, but really that wasn't the thing that was interesting to me. The thing was that I now felt like my body was a part of me.

   12. MRMel Robbins18:21

       Hmm.

   13. SRShonda Rhimes18:22

       Versus feeling like it was-You know, I, I'm, I live in my imagination, so, versus feeling like it was just something that carried my brain around. It really started to feel like who I was.

   14. MRMel Robbins18:33

       You know what also just came to me as you were talking? 'Cause you went like, "I live in my imagination."

   15. SRShonda Rhimes18:37

       Mm-hmm.

   16. MRMel Robbins18:37

       And I'm thinking about, you know, that even if you're not a producer or a writer, or telling stories, we all live in our imagination.

   17. SRShonda Rhimes18:46

       We absolutely do.

   18. MRMel Robbins18:48

       And a lot of what's happening in our imagination are the stories that we're telling ourselves about why we can't, the noes that we're saying.

   19. SRShonda Rhimes18:56

       Mm-hmm.

   20. MRMel Robbins18:56

       And since so many people have a really hard time putting their health and their body first, I would love to have us go even, like, a little bit deeper-

   21. SRShonda Rhimes19:07

       Yeah.

   22. MRMel Robbins19:08

       ... to really understand, kind of, what is it, what is, like, if you're thinking about, you're, like, let's put it in the way that your brain thinks. You're thinking about a character, and a character who's been saying, "No, no, no, no," when it comes to health and body.

   23. SRShonda Rhimes19:22

       Mm-hmm.

   24. MRMel Robbins19:22

       What is that kind of behavior? Can you paint a picture so that the person listening might have an epiphany like, "Oh, wait a minute. I never even thought about the fact that I'm not saying yes to my health, 'cause I'm so disconnected."

   25. SRShonda Rhimes19:36

       You are. And it's interesting, like, I never thought of myself as being athletic. I've never thought of myself as being perfectly, you know, even a little bit coordinated. I was very safe on this idea that, like, I lived on my sofa, you know, lying down feels good.

   26. MRMel Robbins19:51

       (laughs)

   27. SRShonda Rhimes19:52

       I lived on my sofa. And I considered it to be, like, a great way of life. I'm like, "That's how you're cozy with your friends and your family, you're all sitting around." Um, the love language of my entire family is food. You know, that's, that's definitely how that works, and that's a way of being social and showing care for people.

   28. MRMel Robbins20:08

       Yeah, yeah.

   29. SRShonda Rhimes20:09

       But what you're thinking about is not, for me, I really realized that I wasn't saying yes to my health. It wasn't really about that. It wasn't that I was saying no to my h- It was that I was saying yes to being f- like, overweight and unhealthy.

   30. MRMel Robbins20:22

       Mmm.
5. 23:03 – 32:00

   The Right Way to Have Difficult Conversations

   1. MRMel Robbins23:03

      you said yes to was rejecting the traditional idea of marriage.

   2. SRShonda Rhimes23:06

      Yes, I did.

   3. MRMel Robbins23:06

      Can you talk a little bit about that?

   4. SRShonda Rhimes23:08

      Wow. I mean, I'm a person who loves weddings. I really am.

   5. MRMel Robbins23:11

      (laughs) Right.

   6. SRShonda Rhimes23:12

      Like, I-

   7. MRMel Robbins23:12

      You're like,

   8. NANarrator23:12

      I literally planned-

   9. MRMel Robbins23:12

      ... "I know." (laughs)

   10. SRShonda Rhimes23:13

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins23:14

       That's not a surprise, Shonda. (laughs)

   12. SRShonda Rhimes23:15

       I've, I mean, think about what I write.

   13. MRMel Robbins23:17

       Yes.

   14. SRShonda Rhimes23:17

       I've planned every character's wedding, like, literally, like, sat and helped plan every character's wedding on, on Grey's for years and years. And when Olivia Pope got married in her dream sequence, I planned that wedding too. All of those things were true. And I love love, obviously. I write about it all the time. But I had been a person who, my whole life, I had been, I could imagine being a mom from the time I was a kid.

   15. MRMel Robbins23:38

       Mm-hmm.

   16. SRShonda Rhimes23:38

       There was never a husband involved. I always say, like, I had a Ken doll and I kept Barbie's shoes in his head.

   17. MRMel Robbins23:43

       (laughs)

   18. SRShonda Rhimes23:43

       Like, that was what he was for in a lot of ways. And it, not that I don't love dating and lo- I, I just got engaged and felt suffocated in a way that terrified me.

   19. MRMel Robbins23:53

       Wow.

   20. SRShonda Rhimes23:53

       Yeah. And I was also really bothered by the fact that I got engaged to somebody, and I have all of these accolades and accomplishments, and the excitement and joy that somebody else wanted to marry me, people rejoiced like a war had ended. Like, it was crazy. They, you know, far more interested and excited about that than any award, my three children, anything else. And that also really bothered me. And I really think I worried about losing myself and losing the definition-

   21. MRMel Robbins24:22

       Mmm.

   22. SRShonda Rhimes24:22

       ... of who I was, because I was gonna have to share another piece of my brain...... with somebody else. You know, children take up a lot.

   23. MRMel Robbins24:31

       Yeah.

   24. SRShonda Rhimes24:31

       Writing takes up a lot. But there was that.

   25. MRMel Robbins24:33

       Yeah. So what was the hardest?

   26. SRShonda Rhimes24:37

       The hardest thing, I think, was to admit it.

   27. MRMel Robbins24:39

       Yeah.

   28. SRShonda Rhimes24:39

       To myself and to, and especially to the other person. I mean, I think there's something terrible about putting somebody else in that position. I'm a writer. I had imagined this whole thing into, into, you know, life. I had made plans and created ideas and talked about it, and realized that I was putting a lot of fiction into the idea of what I wanted my life to be, but none of it had anything to do with the reality of what I wanted my life to be.

   29. MRMel Robbins25:06

       Oh.

   30. SRShonda Rhimes25:07

       Yeah. You know, I'd bought the fairy tale. I really had, I think. And saying that I didn't wanna do that, saying yes to not being a person who wants to get married, it was really hard to let that definition sit inside me. But it also was the greatest relief that I ever felt when I finally said, like, "No, I don't wanna do this." And that's how I know I'd done the right thing.
6. 32:00 – 40:48

   What to Do When You Feel Stuck In Your Life

   1. MRMel Robbins32:00

      about no, and I, I found it really fascinating. I love this point where you say that j- Like, "Once I saw unhappiness, felt the unhappiness, recognized it, named it, well, just knowing about it made me feel itchy."

   2. SRShonda Rhimes32:14

      Yes (laughs) .

   3. MRMel Robbins32:14

      What a great word, itchy. "Like itchy on the inside of my brain. Continuing to say no was not going to get me anywhere at all. The itchy was too much." That is the coolest way to describe when you're out of integrity with yourself-

   4. SRShonda Rhimes32:30

      Yes.

   5. MRMel Robbins32:30

      ... that something feels like you're agitated.

   6. SRShonda Rhimes32:34

      Like, once you've seen it-

   7. MRMel Robbins32:35

      Yes.

   8. SRShonda Rhimes32:35

      ... and it's been revealed and you know it, you can't ignore it. It really does. You do start to feel like... I felt emotionally agitated. I, the itchy in the brain thing was really real for me. It was the best way I could describe it.

   9. MRMel Robbins32:46

      Yeah.

   10. SRShonda Rhimes32:47

       Because I couldn't settle my brain down to calm anymore-

   11. MRMel Robbins32:50

       Yes.

   12. SRShonda Rhimes32:50

       ... now that I knew that I was doing something that wasn't working.

   13. MRMel Robbins32:53

       Yes. And, you know, for my life, where I've been in those situations and relationships, I of course feel that, like, "Oh God, oh God, oh God." You start having the nightmares that they're gonna propose or whatever.

   14. SRShonda Rhimes33:03

       Mm-hmm.

   15. MRMel Robbins33:03

       And then, I try to change that. And then-

   16. SRShonda Rhimes33:06

       Yes.

   17. MRMel Robbins33:06

       ... I try to change the thing I'm in, instead of going, "Wait a minute. All of this is that I'm actually in the wrong situ. I'm saying yes to the wrong thing." And this is something about your book that I love, that I think a lot of... You, you don't understand this when you, when you first hear about this book.

   18. SRShonda Rhimes33:21

       Mm-hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins33:22

       This is actually not a book about, like, saying yes to everything and being a people pleaser-

   20. SRShonda Rhimes33:26

       Oh.

   21. MRMel Robbins33:26

       ... and getting through introversion.

   22. SRShonda Rhimes33:27

       God, no.

   23. MRMel Robbins33:27

       What is this a book about?

   24. SRShonda Rhimes33:29

       I think it's a book about the steps you take, the courageous steps you take, to say yes to the things that are gonna complete you, versus, you know, we all say thing, yes to a thousand things, and those things are depleting us every, every day, every moment. You're saying yes to things to make other people happy. It's about saying yes to the things that are gonna make you feel whole.

   25. MRMel Robbins33:45

       Well, let me hit you with some, uh, Shonda Rhimes on page-

   26. SRShonda Rhimes33:48

       (laughs) .

   27. MRMel Robbins33:48

       ... 368. "Here's the most surprising thing about this decade-long relationship with yes. I have strengthened my ability to know exactly when to say no."

   28. SRShonda Rhimes33:58

       Mm-hmm.

   29. MRMel Robbins33:59

       Can you talk about that connection between pushing yourself through the fear and pushing yourself toward the possibilities that you see, and how that, that helps you become stronger and itchier, even? You know what I mean?

   30. SRShonda Rhimes34:16

       I do.
7. 40:48 – 53:08

   How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser for Good

   1. MRMel Robbins40:48

      on a year of yes help someone that-

   2. SRShonda Rhimes40:51

      Who's a yes person?

   3. MRMel Robbins40:52

      Yes. I, I, I feel like I've said yes a thousand times, and it's like, Shauna-

   4. SRShonda Rhimes40:54

      I know, I feel like, uh, it's so, it's hard not to say it in this one.

   5. MRMel Robbins40:58

      (laughs)

   6. SRShonda Rhimes40:58

      But I do think that there's the idea of you can take this idea of the year of yes and use it as saying yes to yourself.

   7. MRMel Robbins41:05

      Okay, so let's g- let's use an example. So, let's say you have been invited to go on a weekend women's trip-

   8. SRShonda Rhimes41:12

      Mm-hmm.

   9. MRMel Robbins41:13

      ... planned by a friend who you love, but with a group of people you're not particularly excited to be with.

   10. SRShonda Rhimes41:18

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins41:18

       And as soon as you start to go, uh, yes. So we're gonna use your, your very simple, amazing tool.

   12. SRShonda Rhimes41:25

       Mm-hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins41:26

       Is this a yes for me, or is this saying no to me?

   14. SRShonda Rhimes41:29

       Right. Mm-hmm.

   15. MRMel Robbins41:29

       You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, am I saying yes to them or yes to myself?

   16. SRShonda Rhimes41:32

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins41:33

       And you know, because you get the itchy brain...

   18. SRShonda Rhimes41:36

       You know what you wanna do.

   19. MRMel Robbins41:37

       (laughs) Yes.

   20. SRShonda Rhimes41:37

       You know what you wanna do.

   21. MRMel Robbins41:38

       "But Shauna, I'm scared to make my friend mad at me. I'm scared to have her be upset. I'm scared to get the guilt trip or the passive aggressive thing." And you feel the weight of it, and this is like the weight is like when you start to get-

   22. SRShonda Rhimes41:52

       Yes, I agree.

   23. MRMel Robbins41:53

       ... like really small and you don't wanna go. Like, "What do I do, Shauna?"

   24. SRShonda Rhimes41:56

       But why do you like them and want them to be happier than you like yourself and want yourself to be happy? Like, that's the thing. You are literally choosing another person over your own happiness and contentment for reasons that make no sense. It's not gonna be a friendship ender. And if it is, that person's the wrong friend anyway. Right? That person's not your friend if this is gonna, uh, ruin your friendship because you won't do what they want you to do. That's a problem.

   25. MRMel Robbins42:22

       It is a real problem.

   26. SRShonda Rhimes42:23

       And it suggests that your friend's not interested in you being happy at all. Right?

   27. MRMel Robbins42:26

       Well, here's what I, I, I... You asked the question, why do we do that? I think we're just used to it.

   28. SRShonda Rhimes42:32

       I think so too. I think it's, it's something that's been ingrained in us. And it's the same thing with taking a compliment. Like, I wrote a whole chapter about that, because...... you sit with people and, and it's everywhere, I don't care who you are, what level of life you're at, you can be in fifth grade, somebody will say to you, like, "Oh my God, that was so smart of you to say." Or, "Oh my God, you accomplished something and that was so great." Or, "I love your outfit." And people continuously say things like, "Oh, no, no, I just, I just got this like someplace on sale." Or they're like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I was just really lucky." Like all these ways of deflecting, like accepting a compliment.

   29. MRMel Robbins43:07

       Yeah.

   30. SRShonda Rhimes43:07

       It's the same thing. And why do we do it? Because we don't want people to think that we like ourselves too much or think we're so great, and the idea is you should like yourself that much and you should think you're that great.
8. 53:08 – 1:06:35

   How to Find the Feeling of Home

   1. MRMel Robbins53:08

      chapters, you talk a lot about saying yes to finding home.

   2. SRShonda Rhimes53:13

      Yes.

   3. MRMel Robbins53:14

      Let's talk about that, because this is something I think so many people could benefit from.

   4. SRShonda Rhimes53:19

      You know, I, and it'll sound not quite relatable in the beginning when I talk about it, but I was, you know, living in Los Angeles, running these shows, my own production company, living in a beautiful house that I had renovated from scratch basically, and living this beautiful life. The pandemic hits, and I'm suddenly at home, like, not working. And I know that this happened for everybody.

   5. MRMel Robbins53:40

      Yeah.

   6. SRShonda Rhimes53:40

      But I think we all had that weird realization that, like, I was like, "I don't even know my own house. I don't even know what I'm doing. I haven't been home enough to really understand this. I haven't been home enough to really find out what was going on with my kids." And suddenly, we're all at home all the time, right? For a lot of people, that was a really great awakening. And for me, it turned out to be a really great awakening, but it was preceded by, like, the biggest panic attack I'd ever had. I could not stop scrubbing my floors and making cleaning products. I was just trying to come up with something.

   7. MRMel Robbins54:08

      Something to do?

   8. SRShonda Rhimes54:09

      Some way to fill it, like whatever was going on in my, it was almost like I was trying to clean my brain-

   9. MRMel Robbins54:13

      Yeah.

   10. SRShonda Rhimes54:13

       ... that, you know, had that idea.

   11. MRMel Robbins54:15

       Is that why we rearrange our furniture in our houses all the time?

   12. SRShonda Rhimes54:17

       I think so. (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins54:17

       We're actually arranging the thoughts in our brain? (laughs)

   14. SRShonda Rhimes54:19

       I think so, I think we're trying to see ourselves differently.

   15. MRMel Robbins54:21

       Yeah.

   16. SRShonda Rhimes54:21

       I do think that.

   17. MRMel Robbins54:22

       Oh, I love that.

   18. SRShonda Rhimes54:23

       I really do think that. When you rearrange spaces, I think that's what that is.

   19. MRMel Robbins54:26

       Yes.

   20. SRShonda Rhimes54:27

       So, at a certain point, I thought, like, "I really hate it here." Like, what I realized-

   21. MRMel Robbins54:32

       Mm-hmm.

   22. SRShonda Rhimes54:32

       ... in that period of time was, is that the life I was living, as beautiful and fantastic as it was to other people, was not working. Like, it just was not working. And I didn't feel at home in my own home.

   23. MRMel Robbins54:43

       Hmm.

   24. SRShonda Rhimes54:43

       I didn't feel at home in my own city.

   25. MRMel Robbins54:45

       Hmm.

   26. SRShonda Rhimes54:45

       I didn't feel like I was living in the best place in the world to raise my kids. I didn't feel like I was even doing my job correctly, in a way that was giving me the chance to be a person and not just-... a working mother, and this is post Year of Yes. This is post my Year of Yes, where I thought I had it all figured out.

   27. MRMel Robbins55:00

       Yeah.

   28. SRShonda Rhimes55:01

       When you suddenly discover you have nothing figured out. You've been doing, following along your little rules that work, but you've never stopped to examine, are they still working? And I made the decision that we were gonna move during the pandemic. And I, I think I used a lot as my excuse that there were gonna be schools open where we were going.

   29. MRMel Robbins55:16

       Okay.

   30. SRShonda Rhimes55:17

       Um, but we moved. Like, I went to a place I had seen twice, and then we moved there, um, to the country in Connecticut.
9. 1:06:35 – 1:12:44

   The Lifelong Benefits of Mentorship

   1. MRMel Robbins1:06:35

      is that you also talked about hobbies.

   2. SRShonda Rhimes1:06:37

      Yes.

   3. MRMel Robbins1:06:37

      And getting more intentional about friends.

   4. SRShonda Rhimes1:06:39

      Well, that was amazing to me, to move to Connecticut and discover suddenly I had all this time on my hands. Moved to Connecticut, and I realized I hadn't had a hobby in 30 years. It was, like, shocking to me. I had ch- you know, a child and shows almost at the same time, Grey's and my daughter Harper are basically the same age. And then from the minute that happened, I hadn't, didn't have a hobby again. I used to make jewelry, I have all these things in my house. No hobbies.And to suddenly discover that it had been, like, 20-something years or whatever and I had not had a hobby once was crazy. And to then try to take one up was both embarrassing, but also really, really fun to discover. I took up golf as my hobby.

   5. MRMel Robbins1:07:18

      Now, why did you take up golf?

   6. SRShonda Rhimes1:07:20

      I took up golf because the same daughter who said she was fitting out came to me at nine years old and said, "I would like to learn how to play golf."

   7. MRMel Robbins1:07:26

      (laughs) Okay.

   8. SRShonda Rhimes1:07:27

      She's nine going on 45. She knows who she is.

   9. MRMel Robbins1:07:29

      We love her.

   10. SRShonda Rhimes1:07:29

       Yeah. She's, I would say she's been here before.

   11. MRMel Robbins1:07:31

       I love that.

   12. SRShonda Rhimes1:07:32

       Yeah. So she played golf for a year. And I thought I would take lessons while she played, so I took lessons and she took lessons. And then at the end of that first year, she had won the country club's largest trophy, and then turned to me and said, "I quit. I'm done. That was great, but I don't wanna play anymore. I'm not interested."

   13. MRMel Robbins1:07:47

       (laughs)

   14. SRShonda Rhimes1:07:48

       Which... But by that point, I was absolutely hooked, because I loved the idea that I was doing something that I was no good at all, and that my work was about, is about the work you put into it and, like-

   15. MRMel Robbins1:07:59

       Yes.

   16. SRShonda Rhimes1:07:59

       ... what you get out of it is-

   17. MRMel Robbins1:08:00

       Yes.

   18. SRShonda Rhimes1:08:00

       ... is whatever your effort is. I love the patience of, like, the patience that you learn by, like, the whole situation of trying to just hit a tiny ball with a stick.

   19. MRMel Robbins1:08:07

       I love that. And you know what else I love is that the story of your daughter-

   20. SRShonda Rhimes1:08:12

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins1:08:12

       ... is saying yes-

   22. SRShonda Rhimes1:08:14

       Yeah.

   23. MRMel Robbins1:08:14

       ... and leaning in, right?

   24. SRShonda Rhimes1:08:15

       Yeah.

   25. MRMel Robbins1:08:15

       ... to something, because that feels like a yes to you. And then in the process of doing it, you get clear when it's a no.

   26. SRShonda Rhimes1:08:22

       Right. She was like, "I like science and musical theater. This is not my, this is not my jam." And I, you know, a lot of parents would have been like, "We started playing golf. You're gonna keep playing golf." But it was so clear-

   27. MRMel Robbins1:08:32

       Yeah.

   28. SRShonda Rhimes1:08:32

       ... that she... I mean, she came off the highest high, which is, you know, you win the big trophy, like, you're in there.

Episode duration: 1:17:46