Goal Setting Toolkit: How to Set the Right Goals For You AND Achieve Them | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 2:15

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      Oftentimes, what I'm sharing with you are the things that I learned the hard way, and by that I mean by first screwing up my own life, and that brings me to today's topic, goal setting. It sounds simple, right? You just set a goal then you go after it. Mm-mm. I'm not only gonna give you tips, today we are gonna have a master class in goal setting. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a tactical and absolutely amazing episode for you goal achievers out there of the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most trusted experts in the world on behavior change and motivation. I created the Mel Robbins Podcast because I wanted a place where I could connect with you on a deeper level and share the same research, tools, strategies, and insights that I've been teaching on stages around the world. Every single thing that I talk about here on the podcast, it's backed by research, it's simple, it's relatable, and oftentimes what I'm sharing with you are the things that I learned the hard way, and by that I mean by first screwing up my own life. I guess that's one of the reasons why I'm so optimistic that you can change anything you want to, because I figure if I can do it, you certainly can do it too. And that brings me to today's topic, goal setting. Now goal setting, it sounds simple, right? You just set a goal then you go after it. Mm-mm. Goal setting is something that I screwed up for years. I was the poster child of making resolutions and of being all talk, no walk. I was part of the 81% of people that had bailed on my resolutions by the time January 1st rolled around. That is, until I dug into the research, read the books, studied the experts, and figured out how you set goals and do it right according to what research has to say. And I want to talk to you about this today, because I am getting an avalanche of questions and messages about setting goals and breaking and making new habits, like this one from Dave.

   2. DADave2:12

      Hey Mel, this is Dave.

2. 2:15 – 4:18

   How do I set goals the right way?

   1. DADave2:15

      I'm wondering if you can talk about goal setting and how to do it right. There's a lot of talk about resolutions and goals, especially with the new year coming up, and in the past I've had a hard time setting them and achieving goals. Could you give me any tips?

   2. MRMel Robbins2:29

      First, I want to say to you, Dave, thank you for this question, 'cause you're not the only one that has a hard time setting and achieving goals. And I'm not only gonna give you tips, today we are gonna have a master class in goal setting. In fact, I am so excited by the number of you that are looking for information about ways to set and achieve goals this year that I've decided we're gonna do something a little different. For the next month or so, you and I are gonna dig into the most foundational and important building blocks that you need in order to create lasting change in your life. These are the topics that I have been researching and teaching around the world, these are the topics that I write about in my books and in our audio projects with Audible, this is what I have been studying for years. And so, here's what we're gonna do, and I am so excited about this. For at least the next month, all of the coming episodes are gonna be master classes, tool kits, 101s on the most important topics when it comes to personal development, success, happiness, creating a better life. Today we're gonna dive into goal setting, but then we're gonna jump right into habits, mindset, anxiety, relationships, mental health, healing your nervous system and trauma, confidence, boundaries, happiness, meaning, and purpose. Why? Well, because these are the foundational pillars to create a better life, and when you understand these topics and the latest research, most importantly, you have simple tools that you can apply immediately to your own life. That's a game changer, and so that's what we're gonna be doing in every single episode. Why? Well, change is always going to be hard, always. I'm not gonna lie to you about that.

3. 4:18 – 10:38

   Why setting goals is so important: the truth from research

   1. MRMel Robbins4:18

      But neuroscience, academic research, and other people's personal experiences can provide unbelievable insights into how, when, and why behavior change efforts on your part can succeed or fail, and I want you to have all of this and be able to use it to your advantage. I already mentioned that 81% of people give up on their goals. Well, guess what? That's not gonna be you, because you, my friend, are going to have the science, the tools, the strategies, the shortcuts to not only making change happen, but making it stick. And so this awesome series that we are programming and bringing to life for you is gonna begin today with the topic of goal setting, because one of the things that I know based on the research is that no change will last in your life if it's not personally connected to you, and no goal will be achieved if you don't have a connection to why you want to achieve it. And so I figured if we're gonna do a big series that's gonna give you the foundational aspect and most recent research around changing your life, we better start with an episode where you identify personal, relevant, and achievable goals that you're excited about. That way every single other episode that you hear in this series for the next month or so, it's gonna help you achieve something that really matters to you, and the fact is, goals matter. According to the research, and you probably have experienced this when you have been working on goals, goals matter because, number one, they make you happier; number two, they suppress negative emotions and, in fact, based on some groundbreaking research out of the University of Wisconsin, having goals that you're working on can even suppress feelings of fear and depression. I mean, that's pretty cool. Third, goals give you a sense of purpose, meaning, and being up to something. In fact, I just had a conversation with our daughter Sawyer, who was saying that she's kind of in a rut. She's like, "I just feel like my life is the same old, same old, like every day is the same damn day," and it's only gotten worse because she works remote, and she's worked remote for over a year and a half, since she first interned for the company she works for as a senior in college. She's almost never gone into the office, no holiday parties, no nothing in person. Every day, she sits at her desk at home and works virtually. She hangs out with her roommates, so she loves, but it's like the same thing in and out. You want to know what's going to fix this? Goals. Because when you have goals, it interrupts the day-to-day doldrum. It gives you something to look forward to. It makes you feel like something cool is happening. And that leads me to the fourth benefit. Life is harder when you have no goals. Based on the research, having goals makes your life feel easier. And I think even just that little story I just told you about my daughter feeling like she's in a rut, you can see that when you're in a rut, life is hard. When you feel stuck, when things are monotonous, it's hard. When you got something that excites you, something that you're working toward, that's pretty awesome. And that's why we, you and me, we are going to start with your goals, because they matter. And what also matters is how you set them, because if you don't set goals the right way, based on science, you fail before you even start. And that was Mel Robbins for years. So think of this episode as a comprehensive toolkit that will help you make goals that are going to keep you inspired, that you can achieve, that are going to make you feel excited about the year ahead and what you're up to. And I have one promise to share with you. You're not only going to learn a lot today, by the time this episode is done, you're going to have identified between one and three goals. And you're going to do it with me side by side as I identify one to three goals for myself, and we are also going to apply the latest research every single step of the way. And I want to share that upfront because I expect your goals to change from the beginning of this episode until the very end, because you are going to be applying the research all the way through this episode. By the end of our conversation, you're not only going to have defined these goals, you will have refined them and you will have taken steps toward them. How freaking cool is that? So make sure you listen all the way to the end, because we are going to cover a ton of ground today. So let me just preview what you're going to learn today. We're going to start by unpacking really exciting research that's pretty recent out of the University of Oregon that simplifies goal setting into two major components of what makes up a goal. And if you don't have these two major components present when you set your goals, you will fail. Seeing this study made me realize why I have failed in the past at setting certain goals. I'll tell you those stories because I think that they're going to help you, but this is really exciting stuff because it's super simple and there's so much research here. Second, as you begin to identify the goals using these two components that we're going to unpack, I'm going to walk you through the five mistakes that everybody makes that prevent you from achieving your goals. And you're not going to make these mistakes because now that you got your goals identified based on the University of Oregon research, we're going to make sure we refine those goals using the five mistakes so that you can avoid the pitfalls that I know I've fallen into. And step-by-step-by-step, we are going to support you. I- I'm so excited for this episode, honestly, because I'm going to do this with you. And you're also going to learn about a widely reported study regarding whether or not you should talk about your goals. This is a study that people cite all over the place that has been debunked, and I will tell you the new research related to whether or not you should ever talk about your goals. Okay? Cool. You ready? I got to take a breath because there's a lot we're going to do. I'm really, really excited about this. I love goals, and I also love this recent research that

4. 10:38 – 13:10

   The exciting new research about goals from Dr. Birkman that you need to know

   1. MRMel Robbins10:38

      I found from Dr. Elliott Burkeman at the University of Oregon. Now, Dr. Burkeman is the co-director of the Center for Translational Neuroscience, and he studies the motivational and cognitive factors that contribute to success or failure at achieving goals. I mean, he's figured this out for both of us. How cool is this? And when you hear this research, this is kind of one of those studies where you're like, "Well, that makes a hell of a lot of sense. Why did nobody tell me this?" So first, let's start with his definition of a goal, okay? Dr. Burkeman's definition of a goal is this. A goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. Let me unpack this. This is kind of illuminating, okay? So, a goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. So I'll give you an example of a goal. Let's say that this was the year that you're like, "That's it. I'm getting six-pack abs this year." If you have a goal of getting six-pack abs, you have to do something different. That's why it's a goal. If you have a goal of getting out of debt, for example, you have to do something to make that goal happen. Let me give you an example of what is not a goal. Watching that series that you're addicted to, right now for my family, it's Gangs of London, uh, I don't have to do anything different to watch the series Gangs of London. You see how that's not a goal?The reason why it's not a goal is there is zero resistance, there is zero change, there's zero that I have to do differently. Goals naturally contain friction and resistance because they require you to do something new. Now, that might sound obvious, but if you don't get that a goal is going to require you to push through some kind of resistance, you're gonna fail at setting them. They're gonna be way too easy, okay? So let's start applying this to your life right now. I want you to think about an area of your life that you would like to improve or where you want to set a goal. So just stop and think about the coming year. What is an area of your life that you wanna improve or where you want to make a new goal? I have three that I'm gonna share with you,

5. 13:10 – 15:28

   My three goals for 2023

   1. MRMel Robbins13:10

      and one of my goals for the coming year is in the area of free time and hobbies and having fun. A second goal of mine is gonna impact my health in a positive way, and the third is about my mindset and focus and clarity. So I'm gonna unpack these and just I invite you to listen along, and as I'm explaining my goals, think about what you're inspired to change, where you're willing to do something different. So I'm gonna start with number one, hobbies and having more fun. I really wanna spend more time... One goal of mine this year is to spend more time gardening. I just love gardening. Not vegetables. I like flowers, landscape. And I wanna make sure a goal of mine this year is that I spend more time gardening. That's one goal. Now, a second goal that I have for this year is related to my health, and I want to stop drinking for a while this year. And I can get into more as we unpack this and go through the research, but that's a goal of mine, to, to really just knock off the booze for a bit. And third is about my mindset. I want to get back, this is a goal of mine, to a consistent journaling practice every single morning. There are things that I do every single morning that have zero resistance. I don't even have to think about it. I roll out of bed when the alarm rings, no resistance. I high five the mirror every morning and set an intention. I have no resistance. I have a cup of coffee every morning, no resistance. I typically move my body most mornings, no resistance. But something that I really want to make a goal of mine is having a consistent journaling practice every single morning. That, that, that would be pretty cool for me. So I want you to now stop and think about you. What are goals that you have for the coming year that are gonna require you to do something different in order to make this goal happen? Now, I want to stop for a second because I want to address something that you may be thinking right now because it's a question I'm seeing a lot.

   2. DADave15:25

      Hey, Mel, how do I set my goals if I can't determine what my goals

6. 15:28 – 17:40

   I’m answering your top question about goals.

   1. DADave15:28

      are?

   2. MRMel Robbins15:29

      I absolutely love this question, and by the way, it's super common to have no idea what you want, and I'm gonna give you a number of research-backed strategies that you can use to kind of cut through the uncertainty or the overwhelm or the fog in your brain and identify at least one goal by the end of this podcast that is personal and motivating to you. But I also want to talk about something that gets in a lot of people's way other than just not being sure what your goal should be, and that's perfectionism. If you're the kind of person that is constantly aiming for these crazy high and unattainable goals, that's very demotivating, because super high goals, unattainable goals, what happens is you don't achieve those, and so you start to feel like a failure. And perfectionism can get in your way of setting goals because you start to figure, "Well, if you don't set a goal, then you can't fail." Perfectionism, according to the research around goal setting, looks a lot like this. You set goals, but then you give up before you start. Or you want to set goals, but you burn all your time just kind of analyzing and analyzing and analysis paralysis, or you also just avoid the situations where you feel like you're going to fail. So here's an example. You are really wanting to take your health seriously this year, and you set a goal of going to the gym every single day and exercising for two hours a day, and, like, you literally fail before you even start because you're trying to get it perfect, and we're gonna address that. Don't you worry. So whether you're dealing with brain fog or you're dealing with perfectionism, this is super common to not really know what your goals are. So let's talk about the research, okay? These are prompts that are gonna help you to relax and to dream a little bit and to lean into goals that are really gonna make a difference in your life, 'cause I want you to have goals. They really matter. So number one,

7. 17:40 – 20:17

   Four science-backed hacks to use when you’re not sure what your goals are

   1. MRMel Robbins17:40

      it's really important that you make sure that your goals are really aligned with your dreams, and if you can't come up with any goals that really inspire you, this is gonna sound counterintuitive, but I want to invite you to think even bigger. If you allow yourself to start dreaming again, then what you and I can do, if you can identify the dream, is you and I can then use the research to scale that big, awesome dream of yours back and turn it into small, achievable goals.This is based in research, and so I invite you. If you don't know what you want, allow yourself to dream big again, and then we'll get into the research about how to make that big dream a smaller goal. Now, here's a second tip, and this one's a little morbid, but it tends to work. If you don't know where to start, think about the end, like the real end, your death. When you think about the fact that at some point this amazing thing called life comes to an end, what do you want to have achieved in your life? When you think about it in reverse, trust me, you're not going to wish that you spent more days at work. You're going to wish that you spent more time outside or more time with family. You're going to wish that you did pick up the guitar. You're going to wish that you did take on some of the goals that are buried deep within your heart. And so if you truly feel stuck, think about your own death. Research shows that it prompts you to get in touch with what matters to you. Now, you could also, if that doesn't float your boat, you can also just get quiet, and this is based in powerful research. Basically, mindful individuals are way better at setting the right goals for themselves, and I personally believe that one of the reasons why is that when you have a mindfulness practice, whether it's a meditation practice or, heck, just get out in the woods for a walk. Have you noticed that if you ever take a long walk on a beach, that by the end of that 30-minute stroll you've worked out a lot of your problems in life because you've gotten quiet? If you get quiet, you can hear the most important sound in the world, and that's your own voice. And that matters when it comes to goal setting because the best goals are those goals that are personally relevant, meaningful, and enjoyable to you. Now, researchers have a term for this. They call goals that are personal to you self-concordant goals or

8. 20:17 – 23:04

   Three qualities of the best goals

   1. MRMel Robbins20:17

      want-to goals. This comes from researchers at Carleton University. I like to call these goals personal goals. Getting in touch with yourself helps you set these kind of concordant goals. They are not goals that you feel pressure to do out of obligation. I think we've all taken on those goals, right? Where you're like, "All right. Everybody's getting in shape. Oh, everybody's doing Whole30. Oh, everybody's doing this. Guess I better do that too." Those kind of goals don't work because you're not interested in those goals. You want goals that are in touch with something personal to you. And here's another really interesting little hack that really works. You're going to use the third person. So using a third-person perspective, according to research at Cornell, can help you identify and achieve personal goals better, and so now I'm going to turn it back to you again, and I want you to use the third-person research from Cornell. I'm going to use it first, and then I do want you to say your goals out loud, okay? I've already shared my goals, but let's, let's make these Cornell University-style goals, okay? And let's do the third person. Mel would really love to spend more time gardening this year. (laughs) You know, it feels kind of funny when you say that. It's almost like it's happening. (laughs) Now you say it. What would you love to do? Say it in the third person in your name. Here's another one of mine. Mel has a goal to not drink at the beginning of this year. It sounds like more authoritative. It, it really... You got to try this. It's so wacky how this works. Mel... You know that Mel? She would love to get up every day and have a rock solid journaling routine. It's weird how that Cornell University works. And now it's your turn. Use the third person, take a minute, hit pause, and say what you want out loud. Go ahead. It's kind of weird, isn't it, when you use your own name? And look, it's okay if it's super general. Mine are really general. Did you notice that? My goals right now, they're just things I kind of want to do. I want to journal, I want to not drink for a couple months, and I want to spend more time gardening, but by the time this episode is done, you and I are going to refine these general statements, these goals, using research. And so let's dig into this exciting research that I promised to talk about from the University of Oregon. So here's the most important thing about goals, and I love this

9. 23:04 – 27:58

   Two components of a goal that you’ve got to have in order to achieve it

   1. MRMel Robbins23:04

      study because it boils goals down into two things that have to be present. If these two components of a goal are not present, you're not doing shit when it comes to this goal. I have experienced this in my life, you have experienced this, and I can't wait for you to hear this. So the two components to achieving any goal is that there must be what researchers call the will and the way. The will of any goal refers to the motivational and emotional aspects of the behavior change, in other words, the why. The will is the why of behavior change. So let me ask you a couple questions that researchers kind of unpacked in this study that are going to help you really clarify the why when it comes to the goals that you're thinking about as you and I are talking right now. Why is the behavior change important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now?And I'm gonna go through these, and I'm gonna use one of my goals, gardening. Why is the behavior change important to you? Well, it's important to me, this goal of spending more time this year gardening, because I love gardening, and I've talked a lot on this podcast about how I am addicted to being busy, and it causes a lot of stress. And when I'm out in the garden, it's super relaxing. It's really creative. I love growing flowers from seed. I love cutting flowers and bringing them in. The second question, why do you want to change? I want to change because I want to be present more in my life. I want to change because I want to get serious about having more fun and being more creative. And this third question, why now? Why now? Why is this a goal now in your life? Well, for me, why now is because I just feel called to do it. I feel like if I'm ever going to break this addiction to being busy, and I'm going to find more time to truly enjoy my life, I have to get serious about making that change now. Like, why wait? And so I feel called to do it. So that's the first part, and I want you to ask those questions of yourself for any goal you want to set. Why is the behavior important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now? And if you don't have an answer to those questions, that goal that you're thinking about will not work, because the will to do it, the motivation, the why, it's not gonna be there, 'cause it's not personal to anything to you. Now let's talk about the second component, okay? The second component in this study from the University of Oregon is the way, and the way refers to the cognitive and informational aspects of the behavior change. I call this the how. The way is the how of behavior change, and so let me walk you through those questions. How is this behavior change going to unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for doing it? And for me, the behavior change that's gonna unfold is, I am going to study how to create a cutting garden. I'm gonna build my own, like, little, what are they called? Like, raised bed thingies that you kind of put the thingies in. I'm gonna learn about, uh, cultivating flowers from seeds. What skills and capacities does it require? Um, well, a lot, (laughs) for me. What is the specific plan? Uh, I'm in the middle of creating the plan, and I think you can start to see as you ask yourself these questions about the goal that you have. How's this behavior change gonna unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for getting this done? I think you can see that if you don't identify the how, that change ain't happening, because willpower alone, motivation alone, it's not enough. You gotta have, according to the research, both the why and the how in order to be successful at changing behavior. And so the takeaway here, based in science, is that any goal requires two things. There must be a will and a way, a why and a how. And here's why this is really interesting.

10. 27:58 – 31:25

    What neuroscience says about why your brain needs these two components

    1. MRMel Robbins27:58

       Neuroscience has revealed that your brain system involved in those two sides of the behavior change are entirely different from one another. So for example, the how you're gonna make this goal a reality, that's all the brain circuits that are involved in executive functioning, including your prefrontal cortex, among other areas of the brain. The why, on the other hand, is the dopaminenergetic, I can't even say it. That's why I can't say. It's the dopamine reward system within the brain. That's the why, and you need both. You need to tackle the how, which is having the know-how, the skills, the plan, the push, and you also gotta have the why. And the why is what comes into play when you know what to do, but you can't do it. It's how you hack the motivation, and what studies reveal is that this is hard, because new behaviors, they're rarely as motivating. As much as we may love to make a plan and you may love to buy a new journal, or I used to love to buy a new planner. You know when you buy a new calendar for the new semester, and it feels like the new you? I just l- loved the planning part. Have you ever had that experience where you're all excited to go to the gym, you're all excited to try this new routine, you're all excited for this new habit, and the day one that comes, huh, no motivation at all? I mean, it makes sense because why would you wanna try that new HIIT exercise when you know that watching Netflix, something you do all the time, is way more enjoyable? That's why having both is super important. You cannot just have the why you want to do it with no plan. That doesn't work, and you also can't have a plan and have no reason why you want to get it done. And when you really stop and think about your goals this way, having a why and a how, it's what's gonna get you excited. And if you're somebody that continues to make goals but you constantly give up on them, I'm gonna tell you something right now, those goals are not linked to something that you value, to a core belief. And the second that you make that link and you make these goals personal, holy cow, you will be unstoppable.So, we've covered the two components of goals based on the research at University of Oregon. I've asked you to walk through the questions of the why and the how about the goals that you're starting to set, and I wanna say something right now. If you're starting to feel like the things you wrote down in the beginning are not the goals that you want, that's great. You may change things up completely from the beginning of this episode, the middle of the episode, and the end of the episode. That's the point of this. Listening to research is not gonna change your life, applying the research will. So please, as you're gaining insight and as you're taking this, and as you're taking these tools that I'm sharing with you and you're applying them to the way that you're thinking about your own goals for the next year, please allow yourself to change. Please allow yourself to modify the goals, because that is going to help you achieve them. And so now what we're gonna do is we're gonna walk through the five mistakes based on research that everybody

11. 31:25 – 41:13

    The five mistakes we all make when we set and try to achieve goals

    1. MRMel Robbins31:25

       makes when they set goals. And when you make these mistakes in setting and defining your goals, you will not achieve your goals, and so these mistakes are super important for you to understand and for you to apply to the goals that you're thinking about right now. So, mistake number one, you're so focused on the how you're gonna get this goal achieved that you forget about the why, and this is super important. I have a really good example of how I have failed at setting goals and achieving goals in the years past because I felt pressured to do something. My why was not present. And I'm gonna use the example ironically of drinking, which is one of my goals this year. I wanna go for three months and not drink. So here's the example where I've failed in the past. In the past, I have had lots of pressure around me at the turn of the year to not drink. There's that thing called Dry January, and a lot of people that I love have participated in it, and people around me have been doing it, and I didn't feel called to do it. I just had a huge sense of FOMO that I was gonna miss out on something if I didn't jump in with everybody else. And so, I felt pressure to jump in and have it be a goal that I would do Dry January, and here's what's interesting about when you feel pressured to make a goal. When you feel pressured to do something, there is an inner rebel inside of you that suddenly shows up and pushes back. And sure enough, the last couple years that I've been like, "Yeah, okay, I'll do Dry January with you guys," the second that I committed to it out of pressure, the rebel in me was like, "Nope," and I lasted two or three days, and then I started being sneaky and lying about it. And here's the deal, the why wasn't present. This is so important, and this year is different. This year is different because this year one of my goals is not to participate in Dry January, but my goal is to not drink for several months, and there's a reason why. The reason why is I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish, and even just having a beer at night to pull the lever that work is over and you can relax now, it's making me too tired at night, and it's impacting my sleep. And here's my why. I wanna see what will happen, this is like an experiment, to my focus, to my downtime, to the brain fog, to the symptoms of menopause that I'm experiencing if I just remove alcohol, not during the week, but I just remove it completely for a couple of months. And so my why is that I wanna be present and more focused for the next couple months, and I feel as though if I removed alcohol, it would have a major impact, and there's more I want to get done. And that's why it feels different this time, because I'm not setting this goal because I feel pressured to. I'm setting this goal because I want to. So, taking that research in mind and that mistake that everybody makes, what's your why for real? What is the goal that you want to do? 'Cause identifying that is gonna make all the difference in the world. Now let's talk about mistake number two. I see this all the time. In my opinion, this is not based on a study, but in my opinion, this is the mistake that everybody makes the most. You ready for it? You're setting too many goals. Stop doing that, okay? Stop committing to Dry January, Whole30, learning Spanish, changing your job, painting the back bedroom, volunteering twice a week, and being a nicer person all in the same month. Stop, okay? Mistake number two, taking on too many things based on the research means you get nothing done. That's why we are going to focus on just one to three goals at a time. That is it, okay? That's it. Don't give me the, "But, but, but, but, but, but I think I could... But what about habits? But, but, but, but..." No, one to three goals, and in fact, I'd be thrilled if you came out of this episode and you just had one goal that you had defined and refined based on the research and that you were excited about. Wouldn't that be empowering? Of course it would. So let's move on to mistake number three. When you define the goal, you're missing the sweet spot based on research. You see, there is this sweet spot......with goal setting and goal achievement between it being way too easy and it being way too hard. It's sort of like Goldilocks and the three bears, right? One was too little, one's too big, one's just right. There is a just right sweet spot when it comes to goal setting and most people, in addition to setting too many goals, most people go way too big. Do not make your goal way too big. You see, that's what a dream is. Your dreams are big. Your goals have to be small. Your dreams have no timeline. They're aspirational. Your goals must be specific and they must be on a timeline and they must be definable. They gotta be tiny. See, you want something that you know you can achieve. This comes from research at Florida State University, okay? So anything that's too big is a dream. We're talking about goal setting. This also is grounded in research from the famous habit research that B.G. Fogg has done at Stanford. You have to have it be something you know you can achieve. But let's go back to the sweet spot. So I know that I could, um, achieve journaling one day, but that's not really a sweet spot, is it? I'm not that inspired doing that one day. The sweet spot means it's achievable, but it still has to be kind of ambitious because remember the definition of a goal, it's gotta be something that's gonna require you to do something. There's gonna be resistance there. And this is really important because you're going to have a greater level of motivation and satisfaction if the goal still has a little bit of ambition to it, and that comes from research at UC Riverside. And there's one more reason why you can't set a goal that's too big. If you make it too big, it's gonna be harder to achieve it, and when you set a goal that's too high and you miss that goal, it hurts your self-esteem and you start to give up on goal setting. That seems kind of obvious. It's research from a university in Germany, and by the way, we will link to all of this in the show notes so you can dig into this research too. But the bottom line here is it's a mistake to go way too high, it's a mistake to go way too low. You gotta hit the sweet spot. So let me go back to the example of my goal to not drink for a couple months. I'm gonna refine my goal because a couple months, that's kind of vague, isn't it? Right? Like, I don't really have a definition for that. A year, way too big. A year- a year feels like something like a punishment right now for me. I don't wanna do that. I- I... My husband does not drink at all. He loves not drinking. I don't want to go an entire year. That's not what my goal is right now. My goal is to not drink for several months and learn something about myself and if I decide to keep going, that's great. I could commit to dry January, but you know what? That feels too little. It feels like something everybody's doing. It feels like something I've tried in the past and I didn't really enjoy it. I want to do something that feels a little bit bigger but achievable. And so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna say that I'm not gonna drink for 75 days. 75 days, I'm not gonna drink. That's longer than a couple months, it's not an entire year. It still feels achievable, but it is definitely ambitious, especially when I throw in the fact that Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm going to this big thing at the end of January and seeing a ton of friends and a lot of people there will be drinking. So, like, there's a- a lot in that. So now let me turn it to you. Is your goal in that sweet spot? Let's Goldilocks and the three bears this thing. Is it too little, too big, or just right? Is it that 75-day thing? All right. Now let's go to mistake number four. The goal's too general. And I will say I just kind of outed myself saying two months not drinking, too general, but my goal to garden more, way too general. It's true. Way too general. Dreams can be general because dreams don't have a timeline, but your goals have to be specific. And there's a particular question that a researcher at Columbia University, Dr. Heidi Halvorson,

12. 41:13 – 42:55

    A powerful question about goals from Columbia University researchers that you should ask yourself

    1. MRMel Robbins41:13

       has come up with that you should ask yourself. When will you know if you've succeeded? That's it. When will you know if you've succeeded? And so let's do the gardening example. When will I know if I've succeeded at spending more time in my garden? This is an interesting question because when I ask myself this question about succeeding, I realize that it's not really about spending more time gardening. My goal is more about learning how to grow a specific type of flower called a dahlia. I first discovered them last year. I am in love with dahlias. They are so gorgeous and they're kind of complicated. You gotta dig 'em up, uh, where we live and store 'em inside over the winter. You can grow them f- I mean, it's like a whole thing. There's like a... Almost like a cult of people that love dahlias and so I'm stepping into this and I realize that my goal is really to grow my first ever dahlias from seed, and I know I will have succeeded when I'm able to cut my first bouquet of dahlias and they're in a vase next to my sink.And finally, mistake number five. I'm so excited to share this one with you. This was new to me. I discovered this researching this show. Most of the stuff I've known based on some of the books that we've researched and projects that we've done for Audible, but this new one is so cool. Have you ever heard of a high-low range goal? This'll blow your mind. This comes from Florida State University. Now, according

13. 42:55 – 47:33

    Why setting a “high-low range goal” will make you more successful

    1. MRMel Robbins42:55

       to a study from Florida State University, it's easier to lose two to four pounds than three pounds. I'm gonna say that again. It's easier to lose two to four pounds than three pounds. Isn't that kind of cool, that a high-low range goal is going to make it easier for you to achieve it? So let me put that into application. So for me, you know what that means? I'm gonna make it a goal to journal between five and seven days a week. Oh, I just (laughs) , that feels achievable. That feels like I can do it. Like, it's still a lot, but I can do it. Or how about this one with flowering? When I see anywhere from one to 10 flowers blooming in my garden, dahlias blooming, I should say, I will have succeeded at my goal. Ah. And drinking? I'm not gonna budge on it in terms of 75 days, but I can say I'm not gonna have had a drink in 75 out of 90 days. I want you to try this research. It's pretty cool because even just saying it, it makes it feel more achievable. So now it's your turn. Let's use this research from Florida State and turn your goal into a high-low range goal. Pretty cool, huh? I know, I know. I'm feeling all excited about my goals, growing my dahlias, journaling my journaling, not drinking. This is gonna be awesome. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Okay, got it. Mel, how do I get started? How do I achieve this?" (laughs) "Okay, this has been fun, girl, but this is a lot like buying a brand new planner for the new school year. So now what do I do?" Okay, well, step number one, based on the research, the second that you define your goals, and we have now defined the goals. We are using the research, I'm feeling super empowered, I hope you are too, you have to make the first milestone super, super easy, because that means it feels like you've already done it, okay? So we gotta make a super simple first step, and scientists even have a name for this. Scientists call this incremental illusion. That's what we're using, incremental illusion. If you make the first few milestones really easy to achieve, you will be more likely to succeed at this goal, because nothing, and I mean nothing, is more motivating than progress, and research from the University of Chicago gives us a great example of what I'm talking about, okay? So you know how you go to a coffee shop and they have these offers where if you buy 10 cups of coffee, you get the next coffee free? Here's a little trick that's pretty interesting that uses this effect, this illusion, okay? So they gave one group of people a card that was "Buy 10 cups of coffee, get one free" card, but it was blank, okay? They gave another group of people a "Buy 12 cups of coffee and then you get a free card," but two of the slots were already checked off. Progress had already been made. It's still the same thing. You're still having to do 10, but guess what? The folks that were given the card with two slots already filled in, they moved through that card faster by checking the boxes twice. Listening to this podcast? Check. You're no longer at square one. You've defined your goals. Uh, I can tell you some other things. You wanna do the smallest step possible. Chris gave me a book about dahlias, those flowers that I love, for the holidays. Check. I'm in box two (laughs) . If you can take the smallest step today, can you do a Google search? Could you spend a little time journaling? What's something that you could do? You can't think of something? No problem. I've got something based on the research you could do. Step number two, check box number two, tell someone you admire about this goal. This debunks decades-old research from 2009 from researchers

14. 47:33 – 50:26

    The most important thing you should do once you set a goal

    1. MRMel Robbins47:33

       at Yale that said that you shouldn't tell anybody about your goals, but here's the hook. You need to tell somebody you admire. You gotta tell the right people about your goals. This comes from a set of new studies from Ohio State. Researchers found that you show greater goal commitment and performance when you tell your goal to someone you admire or whose opinion you value, and these results run counter to this widely reported 2009 study from NYU that suggested that telling other people your goal is actually counterproductive. And so here's what you can do. Just tell somebody you admire. Here's how I'm doing it. I'm sharing these goals with you, and I'm gonna go share these goals with my family, and I'm gonna share these goals with my friends. I'm gonna talk to the woman that I met this summer that is growing dahlias and learn from her. That's another step. This is like us checking off the boxes on that free coffee card and getting you to start seeing yourself making progress. And the final thing...The second that this episode is over, do a tiny thing, one step forward. This comes from a recent study at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine that showed that starting right away resulted in the most change. Do not wait for Monday, do not wait for the weekend, do not wait until later. The most important thing you could do, that little box you're going to check, is when this podcast is over, spend five minutes taking a step. Whoo! Now, I get to talk about the most life-changing part of all of this. You ready? The whole reason why goal setting is important is because it creates meaning and purpose in your life, and that's the most important part. Your goals are not really meant to be achieved. The most important part is that you're pursuing something. That's why goals matter so much. I mean, remember the research we talked about in the very beginning? Those goals that you've defined and refined based on the research, having them, taking little steps toward them, it's going to make you happier. It will suppress negative emotions. It makes you feel like you're up to something and your life is going to be way more satisfying having those one, two, or three goals that you're working on than having no goals at all. And there's a reason why I'm going to hammer this idea of pursuing the goal, okay? First of all, I don't want you to try to get this perfect. I just want you to try. And the second reason why is that when you achieve a goal, the irony is

15. 50:26 – 57:29

    Here’s the crazy irony about achieving your goals

    1. MRMel Robbins50:26

       it's not as satisfying as you think it's going to be. Setting goals makes you happy. Working on goals makes you happy. Achieving goals does not create or promise lasting happiness. Yeah, it is awesome when you finally get to the top of that mountain you've been climbing. You take in the view. Ah, you catch your breath. You sit down on a rock, you take a selfie, you eat some gorp, and then you stand up and you climb back down. It's over. Yeah, it's amazing when you pay off your bills. You celebrate, you feel the burst of pride, and then you go on with life. The point and the purpose of achieving and setting goals that are deeply personal, that have a will and a why and a how and a way, right, is because when you have goals, you're up to something. You're committing to your own growth and you're getting intentional about things that are relevant and important that you want to see yourself doing. And we have a tendency to overestimate how happy we're going to be when we achieve the goal. And there's even a name for it. That's how common this is. It's called the arrival fallacy. It's this fallacy that once you lose the weight, once you get the job, once you find the romance, once you reach the destination, that then, then I'll be in nirvana. Then I'll be happy. Then... No. Tal Ben-Shahar, the Harvard-trained positivity psychology expert, he has debunked this thing in study after study after study, and all you have to do is look at the number of Olympians or movie stars that we think have achieved it all that then are just plummeting and struggling with mental health illnesses after their greatest achievements, and we're like, "What? How could they possibly do? They have gold medals. They have millions of dollars." Okay. Well, because they're not working toward anything that matters. It was working toward the gold medal, working to make that movie, going to auditions and pushing through the failure and having this goal that you set for yourself. Working on it is what gives your life meaning, and that's why I wanted to start this series of life-changing episodes of the Mel Robbins Podcast, the foundational stuff about how you create a better life with goal setting. Because goal setting from this point forward must be a part of your life if you want to feel a greater sense of purpose and meaning, period. And so I want you to come back to this episode. I want you to bookmark it. I want you to share this with people that you care about. If you've got somebody like I do who's a college senior, and as they approach graduation and they start to feel like they're about to have a quarter-life crisis and they're lost, you know what they need? They need goals. If you have a friend going through divorce, you know what they need? They need goals. If you're bored in life or feeling stuck or you're about to hit the reinvention button, you know what you need? You need goals. And you can re-listen to this every single quarter at any moment in your life and walk yourself through this very simple but powerful and life-changing research to get very clear about what you want and why you want it and how you're going to go achieve it. Now, speaking about the how. You want to know how? Habits are how you achieve goals. Systems are how you make it easier. And so coming up next in this life-changing series, we're going to do a 101 on habits, what the science says about habits, the three components that make a new habit encode and stick in your brain, and we're also going to give you the research-backed shortcuts that you can use to make new habits stick and to make that change and the new habits that are going to help you achieve your goals easier to implement in your life. That's what's coming next. But for now...I want you to remember the definition of a goal. A goal is anything that you desire that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. And what I want you to do next is I want you to take one step forward on that goal of yours. In fact, you know one step you could do? Share this episode with somebody you admire, somebody that is supportive, somebody who you want to have help you achieve your goals, and tell them you just listened to this episode and you used everything that you learned to create these goals, and ask for their support, and tell them to email you back once they listen to this episode with what their goals are. That's how we're gonna do this. We're gonna do this together. Yes, you can change in secret. Yes, you can change on your own. But let me tell you something, it is way more fun and it's way easier when we do this thing together. I cannot wait to hear what your goals are and to support you as you start taking little actions every day to achieve them, 'cause that's the thing about goals. So when you set a goal, you're defining who you want to become. When you make it a habit, it's these things are what you do, and ultimately, it becomes who you are as a person. That's why this stuff matters. This is how you change your life. You change it by getting clear about what you want and why you want it, and then you get serious about inching forward every single day so it's no longer something you're writing down on a piece of paper. It's actually the person that you see every single day staring back at you in the mirror because it's become who you are. And on that note, I just want to say I am so excited for this series. (laughs) I am so excited that you're here, and in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to tell you, I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to not only write down these goals and define them but to achieve them too, and that's why I'm here. I'll see you in a couple days. (instrumental music) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah.

Episode duration: 57:29