The Mel Robbins PodcastHow to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
150 min read · 30,000 words- 0:00 – 10:45
Welcome
- CHChelsea Handler
I was like, "Hi, my name is Chelsea Handler. Do you have any other 10-year-olds, uh, that I can play with?" They sent this kid named Nelson down-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
... and I was like, "Nelson, I'm doing a lemonade stand. I need a barback. Do you know how to mix a drink?"
- MRMel Robbins
(instrumental music plays) Today's conversation is the permission you need to go after what you want in life, whether that is flying first class, or being unapologetically ambitious, or standing up for yourself, or speaking your mind, or making the changes you wanna make.
- CHChelsea Handler
I just never identified with that, "I'm gonna grow up and I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna get a job, I'm gonna go to college, and I'm gonna have kids." I never, ever thought that. I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it."
- MRMel Robbins
A lot of people see what's going on and say, "I want that." You saw what was going on and said, "I don't want that." I cannot wait to hear you tell this story, 'cause this blew my mind.
- CHChelsea Handler
So, one of the worst decisions of my life, which was-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my god. (clock ticks) (instrumental music plays) Chelsea, I'm so excited that you're here.
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I mean, on paper, when you look at all your accomplishments from, uh, being an iconic comedian for 20 years, seven New York Times bestsellers, five different television shows, uh, you have so many extraordinary experiences, a media company that you are running, serial entrepreneur. And one of the things that I appreciate the most about you is, everybody who read this book, I'll Have What She's Having, fell in love with you. And I don't think people understand truly what a remarkable human being you are at your core, that there is a very big difference between the perception, or what may have been written, and actually at your core, in your purpose, who you have become and the expression that you are in the world. And so, I am really thrilled because, like me, you learned this shit the hard way, and this book brilliantly unpacks the mistakes, the regrets, the lessons learned that got you to truly connect with who you are at your core. And we're gonna unpack so much of the wisdom in this book, the hilarious stories, but I would love to start by having you speak directly to the person who's with us. And if you think about all of the takeaways in your book and the lessons that you've learned and the things that you wanna share, particularly with other women, what could be different about their life if they really take to heart some of the things that you're about to teach us today and they apply it in their own life?
- CHChelsea Handler
Um, I think that, uh, positivity and optimism is contagious, right? While sometimes it feels hopeless and sometimes you are so down and we can all get into pity parties about what's not going right in our lives, there's always a different lens to look at everything. And, and no one is perfect at always looking at the positivity in their lives. But when you get better at looking at it more frequently-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
... then that becomes your default. And then there's, there's a magnetism in that. You attract more positivity because you become more positive. And these are all things that when I was younger, in my 30s, I would be like, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Shut up."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
"I don't wanna talk about meditation. I don't wanna talk about..." It, everything to me seemed like somebody was leading me to a chakra, you know? But it is scientific. It only matters if you're a person who is really connected to who you are and to being in the moment as, as much as you possibly can. Then, you just become so kind of like a tree. You know, you're a tree. You can, like, blow on me, but I'm not gonna fall over. You know, you can, like,, uh, rustle my leaves and I, you might blow a few leaves off, but you're not ever going to fuck with the foundation of who I am.
- MRMel Robbins
It wasn't always that way though.
- CHChelsea Handler
No. No. I was all over the hou- uh, like, shop, and house, and the sky. You know, not grounded.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
Like a leaf. Like a leaf on a tree.
- MRMel Robbins
Forgetting that you actually have roots.
- CHChelsea Handler
Yes. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. And I think that's a lot of, actually, what this was, book is about, is figuring out and remembering who you are-
- CHChelsea Handler
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... at your core.
- CHChelsea Handler
Also, we lose touch with who we are so often in our lives. So, I would say that it is up to you to always get yourself back on the right track. Like, you always say, "No one's coming to save you." No one is coming to save anyone. Um, even if you consider yourself someone who saves other people, you can't do the whole job, right? Like, no one is coming to get you. You have to save yourself. And by saving yourself, you're going to save other people.
- MRMel Robbins
One of the things that I found fascinating about your story is that from a very, very young age, you had a very clear idea of the kind of person that you wanted to be. In fact, I'm gonna read from your New York Times mega bestseller about the vision that you had for yourself. I love this. This is in the very beginning. It's a chapter, The Little Girl. You write, "She would be nothing less than fierce, this woman I'd become. She would be confident and never hesitate to stick her neck out for other people. With a mind so sharp, no one would ever call her just a pretty face. She'd be so much more than that." Tell me a little bit about the kinda little girl you were, 'cause not every little kid kinda has a sense of who they are. But you, like, this struck me as, like, very unique about you.
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah, maybe. I would like to, I would, I would like to instill every little girl with this kind of vision of herself, you know? When I wrote this book, it was with the idea to inject everyone with the self-confidence that people-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- 10:45 – 21:18
How to Get Honest About What You Really Want
- MRMel Robbins
Class. And this is a lesson about allowing yourself to claim the thing you want, even if it seems ridiculous.
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And you are talking, you're literally talking about getting on your very first plane ride (laughs) across the country to visit your grandparents. You're 10 years old, four of us traveling. You board the plane, walk past the first class section, stopped, sniffed around. "'This seems like my group,' I told my mother." And you then later write, "The writing was on the wall. If my family was content flying coach for the rest of their lives, we simply weren't on the same page."
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
"And I would, at some point, have to split ties with them."
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
At 10 years old, you have this really important thing that you're already doing, where you're allowing yourself to claim something that you want simply because you want it. And then you go a step further, and I would love to have you share the story about what you did next with the lemonade stand, and then how you started to hustle, and then what you did with the money, because this blew my mind.
- CHChelsea Handler
Uh, first of all, I knew I had to start working right away because my parents were just a h- two hot messes, you know? And I was like, "Oh my God. They, they're, there's no, nothing set up for me here." Like, "I'm gonna have to start working. I'm a child. What can I do?" I'm like, "Okay, what's the lowest hanging fruit? That's a lemonade stand. I'll open up a lemonade stand." I enlisted my older sister. I'm the youngest of six children. I enlist... So that gives you also, you know, when you're the youngest of six chil- c-children, you grow up much quicker than anybody else in the family because you, you have to.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
You're absorbing everything around you and your language skills are far superior to anyone else's because you learn how to navigate, negotiate, argue and win. (laughs) And, um, so I opened up a lemonade stand. We did f- our business was fine. We were on Martha's Vineyard. That sounds like we came from money. We did not. My dad had got a very inexpensive house on Martha's Vineyard. We don't know how he got the money to get that house, but whatever. It was the, one of the, the best decisions he has ever made. And we got so many beautiful summers from it. So I opened up a lemonade stand. I said to my sister Shauna, she was five years older, I'm like, "Do you wanna open up a lemons- lemonade stand with me?" We made like maybe, I don't know, 17, 18, $20... Not, not enough money for me at that age.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- CHChelsea Handler
I was like, "Whoa." I think I was probably around 10. And I was like, "This isn't gonna work." And then I was like, "Okay, the next best thing is opening up a hard lemonade stand."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
I'm like, "That's what people really want. Um, whiskey, gin and tequila. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go back to my house. I'm gonna get some gin, whiskey and tequila," which was difficult 'cause my parents didn't really drink so it wasn't even like, you know, good stuff. Like, I think I went to a neighbor's house and got some whiskey from her. And then I told my sister, I'm like, "We're gonna mix our drinks and we're gonna sell the alcohol to the adults and we're gonna sell the lemonade to the kids. And anyone, frankly, who's over 10 can also have a cocktail as far as I'm concerned."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
And my sister's like, "We're definitely not doing that. That's illegal." And I was like, "Well, then you can go take a hike because you're actually cutting into my profit margin." So I, I fired her and then I went around the neighborin c- uh, h- neighborhood and I would just knock on the door and I would introduce, introduce myself like a businesswoman. I was 10 and, you know, wearing like shorts and w- uh, flip-flops and whatever. And I was like, "Hi, my name is Chelsea Handler. Uh, do you have any other 10-year-olds I, that I can play with?" And finally they sent this kid named Nelson down.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
And I was like, "Nelson, I'm doing a lemonade stand. I need a bar back. Do you know how to mix a drink?"
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
And he was like, "What?" I was like, "Listen. I've seen it on TV. This is all you have to do." And that lemonade stand yielded hundreds of dollars in the first few weeks. I mean, we made so much money. I think by the third week I had like $700 or $506 or some, whatever figure. It's in the book. And then I gave Nelson his commission 'cause now it wasn't my sister. It was a guy that I hired. And I think it was like, say I made $569. I gave him his commission which was $5.69.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
And I was like, "This is y- yours, Nelson." And Nelson thought he hit the lottery. He's like, "Oh my God. Five dollars?" He's like, "This is crazy. This is more money than I would have made if I'd lost three teeth in one week."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
And I'm like, "Nelson, y- if you believe in the tooth fairy, we've got bigger problems." You know? But that was my first, uh, like entrepreneurial endeavor that I realized like, "Okay, I'm gonna take this into my own hands. I don't need my family. I actually don't need anybody. I just need to like, you know, figure out an idea." And then, and then I was like, "Wait a second. (sighs) I could be making more money." I was 10. I was always, I looked older than I was. Uh, and I was like, "I'll, I'll be a babysitter." y- There's no rules around babysitting, you know? But so I lied and I said I was 15 years old and I called all the hotels in Edgartown, Martha's Vineyard and I was like, "My name is Chelsea Handler. I'm a very experienced babysitter. Um, if you have any guests that are traveling and that need last, last minute babysitting plans, please call me. This is my number." I still remember my number, 627-5889. And, um, and I w- I said, "I'm 15 years old." I spent that summer babysitting for a 14-year-old boy.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
As a 10-year-old.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) You worked as a 10-year-old.
- CHChelsea Handler
I, I mean, I had this babysitting business for three years and that's how I afforded the first class ticket that I took to Massachusetts.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, tell that story about what you did with the money.
- CHChelsea Handler
Th- I used that to buy my first class ticket on the fl- on the flight.
- 21:18 – 28:27
What Your Darkest Moments Are Trying to Teach You
- MRMel Robbins
you're like, "I'm outta here."
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"I'm outta here." And you get yourself to California. Like, what did you think you wanted to do?
- CHChelsea Handler
Well, I had to get away from New Jersey-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
... from my family.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- CHChelsea Handler
I had to get away from my family. So, like, I graduated by the skin of... I mean, I was terrible. I was a terrible teenager. I was awful to my parents. I was a mess. Uh, my brother died when I was nine. That had a huge impact on the family. It was terrible for our family. My father fell apart at the seams after my brother died. He never quite recovered. Um, and then, so I had lost my brother, and then I had lost my father, and then I became angry that the two men that I admired the most disappointed me and, and d- basically abandoned me.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
And I didn't have any outlet, I didn't have therapy, so I just became angry. And so my father and I were like this my whole entire teenage years. So I couldn't wait to get away from them. I couldn't wait to get away from my father specifically. And I went to community college for, like, a semester after k- high school where I barely graduated. Um, but I did graduate, and, um, I wasn't interested in school. I was interested in having fun and boys and all of that stuff. And then I said to my parents, like, "I think I'm gonna go to California." I just felt like that's where I belong, you know? That's where the land of people like me go, you know, people who are... I felt like a misfit. I felt like I was never gonna lead a traditional life. I was like, "I think I wanna go to California and I think I'm gonna drive. I need a car." My dad was a used car dealer, and I've never seen him more excited to get, uh-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
... four used tires, four new tires for a car in his life. And my dad's like, "I'll get you four new tires for the Audi." He had this Audi Quattro, this old Audi Quattro. He was so excited at the prospect of me leaving so that they could finally get a break from me and all of my anger and my drama. And it was great because I got in a car, I drove across country, and, and all I really needed was a break from my family. We just all needed a break, you know?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm, yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
And once I got away from them, I started to appreciate them and love them, but I just needed my individuality and I needed to start to pursue my own path, and they totally got that. They were like, "Go. You can't get outta here fast enough." You know? And then our relationship strengthened because of that. And so I didn't know exactly what I was gonna do when I moved to California. I just figured somebody will see something in me (laughs) .
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Oh my God. So, how did you get into comedy?
- CHChelsea Handler
I got a DUI when I was 21 years old, and I was using my sister's ID to drink in California 'cause I moved out there when I was 19. So my mom gave me my sister's birth certificate and was like... I was like, "How am I gonna get into bars and stuff?" And she's like, "I'll give you your sister's birth certificate. Don't tell her. You can use her ID."
- MRMel Robbins
Go, Mom.
- CHChelsea Handler
My mom, my mom was like, "Please go, too."
- MRMel Robbins
"Just get outta here."
- CHChelsea Handler
"You just get... What do, what do you... We'll give you as much money as we have. (laughs) Please leave."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
And so... (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I just wanna...
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs) .
- MRMel Robbins
Just the picture of your dad throwing-
- CHChelsea Handler
Oh.
- MRMel Robbins
... an old car and new tires. Your mom's like, "Take your sister's birth certificate and the pocket change I have. Goodbye!"
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah, "Good, good, good" they're like-
- MRMel Robbins
"Good luck. Get outta here."
- CHChelsea Handler
... "Good luck. Call us maybe or don't. Uh, we're not worried about it." So, I, I drive out to California and I have an aunt and uncle. They lived in, in, in LA. I moved in with them. They had nine children.
- 28:27 – 36:00
Why You Have to Try Before You're Ready
- MRMel Robbins
- CHChelsea Handler
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
You embody this willingness to try anything. The second that you want something, "I'm gonna try to get it." The second you have a problem, "I gotta get away from these people. I'm gonna try to do that." And so confidence, in my definition, is just this willingness to try. And it's in the trying that you prove to yourself that you're capable of doing things. That's what builds confidence. And so in every twist and turn I want you to make sure as you're listening or watching and spending time with me and Chelsea, that you're getting that she's demonstrating to us just, "Oh, I'll try that. Oh, I, okay, I'm ja-jaha-" And so to me it's fascinating that I don't even know how the hell you prepared to do... I, like, if I were going to an open mic night a week from now, I don't even know that I would know how to prepare. Did you do-
- CHChelsea Handler
But you would.
- MRMel Robbins
... good?
- CHChelsea Handler
But you would. You would figure it out. You would because it, and there's a difference between trying something over and over again and it not working-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- CHChelsea Handler
... right? Or being open-minded enough to try something for the very first time.
- MRMel Robbins
True.
- CHChelsea Handler
Right?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- CHChelsea Handler
So sometimes I wouldn't wanna tell you to say, "Oh, okay, keep doing something," and beating your head against a wall, but definitely be open-minded enough to make a fool out of yourself one time. You know? Because who knows? Maybe it'll work out.
- MRMel Robbins
That's true.
- CHChelsea Handler
Y- like, y- you say that all the time.
- MRMel Robbins
Maybe it'll work out.
- CHChelsea Handler
Maybe it'll work out. And guess what? It did work out. And it was... And it took me a long time to gain the confidence that I have now after doing it for probably 25 year- no, I was nin- I was 21, so it was, it's even more than that. But, but it took for years and years and years, but I knew that I was onto something and, and I just continued to do that. And, and it was a crazy circumstance that led me there, but also part of the ridiculousness that is my life and story. And not to be, not to shy away from that. You know? I- I'm not proud of getting a DUI, um, but it's part of how I figured out what I was gonna do with my life.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
Your biggest disappointments and your biggest failures can lead to your biggest successes if you keep your eyes and your ears open and your head up.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, funny you should say that because you bust your ass for five years, and then you get your first big break in Montreal.And it doesn't go according to plan.
- CHChelsea Handler
No.
- MRMel Robbins
So, tell us that story.
- CHChelsea Handler
This is a good story for, uh, for you to hear. Um, I was the next it girl for this Montreal comedy festival, which is basically th- at the time was the festival to get recognized in this industry or in this i- standup industry. If you're o- if you're at that festival, you're on the map, people know who you are, everyone in the industry that can make decisions about your career is gonna be there. There was a lot of buzz about me going to Montreal. I had a special showcase. Everyone who was anyone was coming to that show. Everybody. And I, um, bombed badly and I had practiced this set. I had, it was a 10-minute set, but just based on everyone's reaction right away, I lost my confidence and I was like, I started rushing and I was talking too fast. And I was like, knew it wasn't going well, and then it got worse and it got worse. And I got off stage and I was just like, there was no denying what had happened. And I went back to my hotel room, Zach Galifianakis walked me to my hotel room and was like, "You're, you're gonna wanna sit by yourself for a while. This sucks. And, um, there's nothing I can say to help you." And I was devastated. I thought my career had ended before it had begun, and I just didn't know what I was gonna do. I really sat there that night thinking, "Could I work in an office? Like, what could I do? Do I have to go to college now? Like, how do I begin again?" And I'm like, nothing was an option. And sh- and then there w- I had another show the next night-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, god.
- CHChelsea Handler
... but no one came because e- n- uh, no one, they were already were like, "We already saw her. She's not ready. She's too green. She's not ready." And then that show, of course, went great, but nobody was there to see it. And then I get back to LA, my manager at the time, this guy Mark Schulman called me and he said, "Grace Wu," who was an executive at NBC, "was not at your show in Montreal on Saturday night. She wants to come see you tomorrow night at Luna Park." And I was like, "Okay." I, so I called Luna Park. I booked myself. I was like, "Put me up." And I did the saving act set, but I had nothing to lose at this point because I'd already blown it.
- MRMel Robbins
How did you psych yourself up knowing like, this is it? 'Cause, 'cause you must have left Montreal feeling like career's over-
- CHChelsea Handler
Terribly.
- MRMel Robbins
... no chance, and then you get this call, but now the stakes probably feel higher. You just said, "I have nothing to lose," but ...
- CHChelsea Handler
No, they didn't feel higher. They just felt like I've already been rejected. What more could I lose at this point?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
I've already lost the respect of like all of these people that can impact my career, so they don't take me seriously, so I'll just go and do it and we'll see. Like, I know I can do it. And so I did it and I crushed it. I had a great set. I got my first development deal that next day. They called me and they're like, "N- NBC wants to create a sitcom around your life." So, what I wanna say (laughs) to (laughs) you is that you can have the biggest failure of your life and you have no idea what's around the corner. All you have control of is your ability to say yes and to reach out and try. And that's what I did again. And it turned out to change my life forever. Like, that changed my life forever. Only 72 hours went by. Um, so i- it's such an important story to share because it's applicable to anybody in any part of, and would d- doesn't matter what you work in, what kind of life you have. That is the truth of the matter, that you don't, you have to keep your head up because you do not know when the rainbow is coming. And they're coming. You know, it's like I write in the book that lightness and darkness follow each other around like, like partners because they do. You know, without one, you don't have the other. And, and you, and I have to remind myself of it often, um, going through different things in life. You know, you think you get things figured out and then all of a sudden something hits you and you're like, "I have to deal with this again?" But you have to know from the experience of having your own life that things can and do work out, especially when your, when your head is like in a state of opportunity and like, okay, you know, I, I could have said, "No, I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna humiliate myself anymore." Instead, I was like, "Okay, I've got nothing to lose. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it." You know? I believed in myself. I did. Even though nobody else believed in me, I knew I just needed one person to say yes.
- 36:00 – 44:33
Real Friends Hold You to a Higher Standard
- MRMel Robbins
You know, one of my favorite stories (laughs) that you write about in this book, I almost dropped the book, honestly, was a story where you get an email from Jane Fonda and the email says, "Hi, Chelsea. It's Jane. I was wondering if you could come over to my house for dinner. I'd like to talk to you about a couple things." When my husband says-
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... "Mel, I need to talk to you about a couple things." I'm like, "Oh, my god. What did I do?"
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
When you got that email...Like, how did you feel? And then I'd love for you to set the context and tell us what happened when Jane invited you to her house and talked to you about a few things.
- CHChelsea Handler
Well, I got the email and I knew right away because we're women and we know exactly, y- instinctively when something's off or if s- there's a vi- a vibe. And I knew just from the tone of that email, like, I was being summoned. Like, e- and then I wrote back, "Of course, I'll come to dinner any night." And she, and then she wrote back, "How about tonight?" And I'm like, "Uh-oh."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
"Tonight? What does that mean?" And I called my best friend, I'm like, "Jane Fonda wants me to come over." And she's like, "What do you think this is about?" I'm like, "I, I don't know but, I don't know, but I, I don't have a good feeling." So I went over to her house and her chef came over and was like, "Do you want a, you know, a martini?" And I was like, "No, no, you know, I'm gonna be sober for this part." Like, what's coming?
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
I'm not sure what's coming. Like, what, what is this gonna be about?
- MRMel Robbins
'Cause were you guys friends?
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- CHChelsea Handler
We, we had been friends.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- CHChelsea Handler
I hadn't spoken to her in a few months, but, uh, she started the meal by telling me, she goes, "You may have noticed I was a little chilly towards you at this John Lewis fundraiser we were at." For the old congressman who's since, you know, passed away. He, we... It was at Shonda Rhimes' house, I had seen her, but again, I wasn't grounded and rooted at this time in my life t- to know that she was blowing me off at that party. It was a fundraiser, she kind of brushed past me.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
And I was like, "Oh, that's weird. She must be busy." Like, I wasn't... I, I wasn't... I, I, I knew the tone of that email because it was in the light of day and I was, you know, sober and grounded. At that fundraiser, there was a lot of people around, you know, you're mixing, blah, blah, blah. So, I, I didn't take it personally, I just thought, "Oh." I definitely clocked it, but I didn't overthink it.
- MRMel Robbins
Right, right.
- CHChelsea Handler
So she said, "You may have noticed I was a little chilly towards you. Um, and I, I wanted to talk to you. You were at my birthday party," or a party, I don't even think it was her birthday party. It may have been a birthday party, it was a party she had at her house. She said, "You were awful. You were awful to people, you s- you were obnoxious. You were in a terrible mood. You had a dark, dark cloud, like, hanging around you. I don't know what drugs you were on." And quite frankly, neither did I because I was like, "Wait, hold on a second. What party?" And then I kind of vaguely remembered the party. I remembered the party, but I was, like, thinking about what interactions, and just in that moment, I knew don't, don't, don't defend yourself-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
... right now. I had, I started therapy at that time in my life, just weeks prior I had started, and thank God, because one of the first things I learned was don't defend yourself. Like, if you're defending yourself, then you're admitting that something's wrong. If you don't have to defend yourself, then you don't have to. Which is such a valuable lesson because defensiveness is just so ugh. And she said, "You, I don't know why you would ever come out in a mood like that. Why would you come to my party in that mood?" And she didn't say I ruined her party, but, you know, I left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. And I said, "I'm so sorry. I, I'm so grateful that you've, you've taken the time to sit down with me and say this to me." Because that in and of itself is such a demonstration of sisterhood, like, that is the definition of sisterhood is to tell somebody the truth when it's inconvenient for you to do so and to be a sister. And in that moment, it was, such a light bulb went on about the type of woman that I wanted to be and a reminder that I had gotten off track.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
And she was the type of woman, and is always, she's somebody I admire more than probably anybody in my life, Jane. She demonstrated to me exactly the type of woman that I wanted to become. Somebody who was gonna tell the truth when it's inconvenient. She could have just a- avoided me for the rest of her life, you know, and just never said anything. But she chose to take that time and she said some powerful things to me that night. I said to her, "Y- you know, you're never gonna have to speak to me again-"
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
"... about any bad behavior, like, this, the first time will be the last time." And that's how I feel about big mistakes. You make the first time the last time. And that's a Maria Shriver quote, so I don't wanna pretend that it's mine, but I heard her say that in an interview many, many moons ago and I believe that. I don't want to go to summer camp, I don't want to learn the lessons twice and three times, I want to learn the new lessons.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
I don't want to date the same asshole twice, I want to date him once and learn my lesson.
- MRMel Robbins
She did say powerful things. You write about this on page 27 of I'll Have What She's Having. "She told me, 'Go find out what your problem is because your gifts are plentiful and sometimes people with the most gifts have the easiest time throwing them in the trash. Don't be a product of your environment, Chelsea, make your environment be a product of you.'" What does that mean to you? "Make your environment be a product of you."
- CHChelsea Handler
It means, like, sprinkle your goodness around, you know? Sprinkle your fairy dust around. First of all, find your fairy dust, find out what your thing is, what you're good at doing, what you're good at spreading, and then go impact other people's lives. Don't just go to jail and act like everybody else that you see. Go, like, raise the stock in jail, you know?
- 44:33 – 51:24
Why You Can’t Heal What You Won’t Face
- CHChelsea Handler
- MRMel Robbins
So you were talking about that you had just started therapy. And in your book, you write about how you were scared of therapy, and you also talk a lot about how you had started having panic attacks. And in fact, I remember you did a special where you were sitting behind a desk once because your leg was shaking.
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And so, what was it in therapy that you started to recognize about yourself?
- CHChelsea Handler
I got the gift of self-awareness, first of all, which is a beautiful gift. Um, I dealt with my brother dying, which was delayed grief that had turned into a- r- anger and rage.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
Which was what I was experiencing at Jane Fonda's party. You know, d- using drugs and alcohol to cover something up, uh, or to escape, and not really having, being in touch. I had a lack of intimacy within my relationships. I was very immature in certain respects. And my bombast and all of the things that had worked for me so early on in my career were starting to not work for me anymore. Oprah has that saying where she says, "Everything works for you until it doesn't."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
And I, I never under- I was like, "What does that mean? What is she talking about?" But it just, all of the things that made me who I was and made me so successful started to kind of, um, stop working. And I, then I had to look at... And then, and then there was the election in, in 2016, and that I had a really bad reaction to, but, 'cause that was somewhere I could place my anger.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
Then I had a reason to be angry. Then I was like, "Well, how could this happen?" But it wasn't about that. It was about me, and it was about me never e- being able to be vulnerable about the fact that my brother dying broke my heart, that I was abandoned. In my mind, in my-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
... little nine-year-old brain, that's what I felt, you know? He told me he was gonna be right back, and then he never came back. And to me, that was a lie. Why did he lie? Not that he went off and had an, a terrible accident. Uh, he lied to me. How could he leave me? So, getting to the core, I had this amazing therapist who's completely unaffordable.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
Um, Dan Siegel. I had him on my show. I had a talk show on Netflix for a while, and I had him on my show talking about like the adolescent brain and the development of the adolescent brain. And I was like, "That kinda sounds like my brain." You know, meanwhile I was like, you know, 40. And I was like, "Huh, there's a lot of similarities." I was like, "I'd like to talk to you some more." And he's like, "Well, maybe you should, uh, you know, uh, make an appointment." And I was like, "No, no, we'll do it on camera." You know, like, "I don't wanna go too..."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
Uh, and then he piqued my interest enough that I thought, "Okay, I could talk..." Uh, I, I, I'm such a learner. Like, I love learning about stuff, and I, I was very curious about the brain development and what hurts your brain, what helps your brain. And so, I went at it a very, like, linear approach.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
You know? And, and, and I, I acted like I was, you know, in, uh, almost getting a degree in psychology. And I remember in one of our very first sessions he said, "Let's talk about your childhood." I was like, "Well, my brother died when I was nine. My father-"
- MRMel Robbins
He's like, "Hold on."
- CHChelsea Handler
"... my mom's dead. My dad should die. Well, hopefully he'll die soon." Like, and I was like, "But it, it's not about that. I have no patience. I am angry, and I have no patience for stupid people." Like, that was my, you know. And he was like, "Oh, okay." But he had to work me, because he saw what he was dealing with and that I had this huge veneer and like armor on, and, um, that it was kind of cracking. And then it was his job to crack me open, and he did. And then I, you know, that in and of itself is a whole other experience, because that took about two years. And then I was like, "Okay, that's enough therapy." Like, "I got it. I got a lotta, a lotta lessons here. I've learned a lot about my behavior, about why I do the things I do. I learned a lot about empathy, a lot about compassion, and a lot about being more discerning about when I insert myself-"
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
"... and ex- express my opinions." And then you become confused, because you're like-Who is this newer version of me? Is this who I... Where's the fun me? Is this me now? Like, this is a little boring. And then you're like, "Oh, I remember going to dinner parties and, like, not inserting myself." 'Cause he, like, one of his big things is like, "You don't have to be everyone's entertainment. That's not your responsibility. You don't have to go light up a room when you're there." And I'm like, "Okay." So I'd go to dinner parties and then I'd be, like, really quiet. My friends were like, "What's your problem? Why aren't you talking?" I'm like, "I'm just observing." And like, they're like, "This isn't fun." Like, "We want Chelsea back." And I'm like, "I don't know where Chelsea is right now." Like, "I don't know if she's coming back. I'm experimenting with some different personalities right now."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
So it was just a very strange period. And I re- I saw something on Instagram yesterday where somebody was saying, like, it was a therapist, and she was saying, "You go through these phases and you're so unsure of what's happening and you feel so unsteady, but it's okay because you're growing into the newer version of yourself."
- MRMel Robbins
Yes, yes.
- CHChelsea Handler
And so it was so uncomfortable for a couple, like a couple of years after therapy, subsequent to therapy, I was still like, "W- what is this?" And then when I landed on my feet and really understood who I am and went after all of the things I was having insecurities about, like all of the things that kind of were tipping me over that w- weren't allowing me to be a tree.
- MRMel Robbins
What the hell did you have insecurities about? Like, honest to God. Like-
- CHChelsea Handler
Just e- everything, like, why didn't I, like, relate? Like, "Why don't I want a husband? Maybe something's wrong with me. What... Maybe something's wrong with my personality that I can't even-"
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- 51:24 – 59:13
Letting Go of the Anger You’ve Been Carrying
- MRMel Robbins
And what did you learn? 'Cause I think the, the emotion of anger, particularly for women, it kinda simmers under the surface, even for women that are a little bit more pulled back and are watchers or people pleasers.
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
There's that sort of resentment. Like, even with moms that put on the guilt trip, there's that anger that simmers underneath that, that something is owed to me and I'm not being cared for in the way that I deserve based on what I've done. And so I would love to hear if there is any insight that you had in the process of therapy around anger and dealing with anger, and what might be underneath it.
- CHChelsea Handler
Um, uh, well, what's underneath it is pain. You're hurting. And, and anger is like, you know, your shield. Anger is your way to not be vulnerable. Anger is your way to say, like, I couldn't cry. I couldn't cry about my brother until I was 40 years old, until I went to this therapist. I would never allow myself to be vulnerable enough to... If someone said, "Oh my God, your brother died when you were 10." I'm like, "Yeah, whatever. You didn't kill him. It's not your problem." The anger is your shield and your cover. You're not angry. You're hurt. And no one came to take care of you. No one said, "Are you okay?" Um, uh, no one, no one did. No one asked me if I was okay. But I wasn't gonna allow anybody to get that close on that subject matter. So I think any time we're angry, it's covering up hurt, you know? It's like it's blanket. And when you can get to be, like when you can get to be vulnerable about the fact that you feel hurt, then anything is possible. Like, then anything is solvable. Because anyone who loves you or cares about you, as long as you can be honest and be like, "This is how it feels..." Like, resentment is the same thing. What are you resentment, uh, r- resentful about? You're hurt. You're, you're in pain. Something-
- MRMel Robbins
True.
- CHChelsea Handler
... you feel slighted. Somebody did something to you. Is that about your ego? Is that about something... Like, what's going on with you? I just came from, uh, a situation where I came away feeling resentful. And I was like, "I don't feel good about this. I just spent time with a bunch of people that I love."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
"Why do I not feel good about this?" And I had to sit with myself for like three days, and I'm like, "Oh, you're hurt and you, you're resentful because of this, this, and this, and this. And that's on you." You know? Like, that's n- I've never communicated that. So no one has any ability to even understand how I'm feeling because I've never allowed myself to say, "These are the things I need from you."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm. That's a beautiful insight, by the way. Like, just that right there. That in those moments, 'cause it is easy in life, typically with family, or close friends, or partners, or whatever, to just expect that things are gonna go a certain way and then you feel slighted or you feel like nobody cared.
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And then you're right, the resentment builds up and you think it's on them. But if you really stop and drop in a little bit deeper, it's true-Like, did you ask for what you need?
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, you're hurt you didn't get it, but, you know, do you even ask for the things and make it clear so people can show up? Which I'm not talking to you right now, you know I'm talking to myself because I'm trying to make sure that this (laughs) impress-
- CHChelsea Handler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... so I don't have so much anger and resentment toward the people that I care about.
- CHChelsea Handler
It's also, like, judgment-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- CHChelsea Handler
... you know? Judgment is go right back at you. Like-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- CHChelsea Handler
... I can be very judgmental. It could be about anything.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- CHChelsea Handler
And every time I catch myself being judgmental, I have to say, "What are you doing right now? What is this about with you that you don't feel good about yourself that you feel the need to judge someone else?" There's nothing more refreshing than a person that has no judgment.
- MRMel Robbins
It's so true.
- CHChelsea Handler
There really isn't. Like, that's the best kind of person there is, somebody who is judgment-free, doesn't give a shit what you do, what you wear, what you say, and just gets a kick out of you, you know? And it's like, "That's great. La la," like, c- "C'est la vie." And that's really what I wanna be. I wanna be somebody who doesn't have any judgment. Like, that's the next level. Like, I can't wait to get there one day. I'm not there yet. It's like when you get annoyed with somebody, somebody grates on your nerves, that's all about you too. You know? Like, somebody's chewing and that's bothering you-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
... that's about you. You know? Somebody's making noises you don't like-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my god.
- CHChelsea Handler
... that's about you too.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
That's really not about them, you know? You kinda have to go, "Why are you... Who gives a shit?"
- 59:13 – 1:05:09
Showing Up for Yourself When It Matters Most
- MRMel Robbins
me, and one of the most beautiful passages in this book is on page 162. "I have become for myself what I've tried to be for every important person in my life. My own best friend, my own cheerleader." Oh my god, this makes me choke up.
- CHChelsea Handler
Aw.
- MRMel Robbins
"My own listener, my mother, my sister. I became my own daughter." What does that mean?
- CHChelsea Handler
That means I got my back. Like, when I'm talking to myself and I'm going through something, I'm like, "I got you. I got you. I've been here this whole time and I've gotten you this far and I will get you to the next place you're going to."
- MRMel Robbins
Why do we forget that?
- CHChelsea Handler
I don't know. I don't know. I needed to hear that today actually. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
I needed to hear the words from my own book to me and to you.
- MRMel Robbins
Why don't you read it?
- CHChelsea Handler
Oh, I gotta get my glasses 'cause I'm old. Hold on a second. "I became for myself what I've tried to be for every important person in my life. My own best friend, my own cheerleader, my own listener, my mother, my sister. I became my own daughter."
- MRMel Robbins
How do you do that for yourself?
- CHChelsea Handler
You have to love yourself and you have to wake up every single day...... and say, I know you high five yourself in the mirror every day. I wake up every single day, I look in the mirror, and I say, "What kind of shenanigans are we gonna get up to today-"
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
"... you beautiful human being?"
- MRMel Robbins
You literally say that?
- CHChelsea Handler
I say that, yes. I mean, there are mornings I don't say it, but I say it. I said it this morning. I say to myself all the time, "You're amazing." If I see a mirror, I'm like, "You're amazing. Look what you've done. You're incredible." Like, who the fuck else is gonna tell us that every day? We have to. And we all, as women, and to the woman that is listening to this, you know, to, uh, we have to make sure that we remind ourselves every day of our intrinsic and innate value. We are so valuable. Just by the nature of us being here is value, and we can add so much value to so many people's lives. And it doesn't matter if you're a famous person or you're a public person, you e- have the ability to do that as a private person with a quieter life. Every time you see a new person on the street, you can smile at them with love in your eyes. You can see somebody going through a hard time at the airport and come over and be like, "Do you need help? Can I help you?" The person that's working in the airport bathroom, to smile and say, "How are you doing? Are you having a good day?" I always think that's easy to do when you're in a good mood, but when you're in a bad mood, to extend your generosity when you don't fucking feel like it, that's, like, next level. When you're in a bad mood and you see somebody that's struggling and you're like, "I'm gonna take myself out of myself and go and think about someone else for a second," guess what you're accomplishing? Two things. You're helping another person, and then you're healing your anger, because then you realize right away it's not about your smallness and whatever is upsetting. You know what I mean?
- MRMel Robbins
So true. It's so true. Um, you know, another thing that you said that I love is you said after years of ther- therapy, you realize sometimes you just need to let go. It doesn't have to be a war, and nothing feels like winning more than not losing your temper.
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
How did you learn how to not lose your temper?
- CHChelsea Handler
From Dan Siegel. Dan Siegel taught me that. I used to have the craziest temper. Now when I get mad, like, I've been dealing with a lot of s- some, like, personal stuff that's not, um, it's material stuff, so it's not worth discussing on this. It's still, it's taken a toll, right, on me, on my relationships, on a lot of things. It's taken a toll. And now, if I, when, and when I do get upset and I get bad news regarding that matter, which it seems never-ending at times, I, I retreat. I don't, I'm not rageful. I don't yell. I just go away. I become silent, and I stick to myself, because no one deserves my anger. No one.
- MRMel Robbins
Especially not you.
- CHChelsea Handler
Right. And that would be the next step, that I don't even deserve my anger. But I, um, I recover much more easily because of Dan, and I don't, I don't outwardly rage. I don't yell at people. I don't scream at anyone. I used to, and I do, I, I was, I'm embarrassed now. It's such a loss of control. I mean, even if I'm having a stern conversation with someone, I'm not yelling at them, you know? If someone's an asshole on a plane, like a man is treating the flight attendant in a bad way, I, I will say something, but I will say it with calm and, you know, and in a dignified way, because then it can't escalate, you know? You can't argue with somebody who's being reasonable.
- MRMel Robbins
That's true.
- CHChelsea Handler
So, the biggest victory of all is to not lose your temper.
- MRMel Robbins
You actually dedicate your book to flight attendants.
- CHChelsea Handler
I love flight attendants.
- MRMel Robbins
How come?
- CHChelsea Handler
Because they're amazing, and the shit that they put up with is unbelievable. They have been through it. They are basically hostages when they are up there in the sky. I mean, there are men that s- go on planes and take their socks off and pick their toes. There was a woman, somebody, s- people send this stuff to me all the time on Instagram, because I've been very vocal about, you know, plane etiquette. It's like, keep your feet covered, and keep your fingers where everybody can see them.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- CHChelsea Handler
You know, there was a woman who was drying her underwear on-
- 1:05:09 – 1:14:16
What Joy Feels Like When You Finally Let It In
- MRMel Robbins
you say that joy is your purpose. What does joy mean to you?
- CHChelsea Handler
It means lighting things up, you know? Like, lighting things up, walking into a room and making sure people feel good about you being there, making sure you see people, lighting them up, you know? Especially the people that don't get, uh, uh, the attention, you know? Um, and, uh, like, being on stage now for me, like, I've recalibrated s- by taking that break that I took-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
... six y- six years, like, I've recalibrated. I'm so sharp and so focused when I'm on stage now, when I'm touring, when I, my specials, like, I'm so much more, um, aware of the gift of laughter that, you know, like, nothing brings me more joy than seeing two people, strangers in my audience, laughing hysterically together and kind of, like, leaning on each other. Like, that, to me, is the gift. Like, oh, I get to give you that, you know? You forget for an hour that the world is a crazy place and whatever's happening, like, I get to give you that. And now, I'm at a stage in my life because of the work that I've done where I, I'm, I'm so, I honor that. Like, I, I'm, I'm, I'm so appreciative. When I walk out on stage, I can't wait to get on stage. I would never complain about it.... whereas when I was younger, I'd be like, "I'm so tired. I can't do this. Eh, neh, neh. Bleh,"-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CHChelsea Handler
... you know, like, just spoiled.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
And, uh, just gratitude, really being grateful about every opportunity that I have. And even if, you know, I just did a European tour, I did, like, 17 countries in 24, 5 days.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, my gosh.
- CHChelsea Handler
It was crazy.
- MRMel Robbins
Here I am a negative, I'm sorry, but that's still-
- CHChelsea Handler
It was crazy, but it was so beautiful. Like, when I was younger, I would have been like, "Ugh, why isn't this as," you know, "why aren't there, there's only a thousand people. Why aren't there 1,500 people?" Da da da da this... But this time, like, on, in those instances, on the nights where, where the shows weren't sold out, I was like, "No, I'm here to perform for the people that are here."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
"Like, I'm here to inject joy into their lives. I'm not focusing on the people that are not here. I'm focusing on the people that are here." And so, like, that mind switch about almost everything.
- MRMel Robbins
You can apply it to anything. Like, we chase certain friends, but are you actually grateful for the ones that are here? You know, you chase the parties that you're not at, but are you grateful for the people who actually show up when you need them?
- CHChelsea Handler
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
There's so much to apply to that-
- CHChelsea Handler
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
... because we see what's not, or we see what we don't have or what's lacking instead of really being present to the thing that's right there in front of your face.
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
It's so beautiful.
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
So beautiful. You know, you write this passage at the end of the book that I just loved, and if, uh, if you open up your copy and you start on page 193, I would love to have you read from your blockbuster bestseller, I'll Have What She's Having.
- CHChelsea Handler
Okay, this is to the person who's with us right now.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
Sending you lots of love, too. "My middle name is Joy, and I now understand that joy is my purpose in life. To bring joy, comfort, understanding, dependability to anyone who needs it. This joy that I wanna spread and create doesn't come with any conditions. I am the wind blowing through a storm, the jolt of energy that I can bring to people who are in desperate need of a life boost. I am here for women. That is my purpose. I am here to lift, to inspire, and to listen. There is not a woman in need that I wouldn't try to help pull out of whatever hole she is in to help lift her up. I am here for every member of the LGBTQ+ community and for any person who does not feel seen. I am here for the underdogs, and I am here to demonstrate compassion, empathy, and love. Once I identified my purpose, my bright bulb and effulgence began to shine. I am able to find joy in times of despair and generosity in times of strife. My life has become even more than I could've imagined as a little girl sitting on my lawn, waiting for the brother who never returned to explain himself to me."
- MRMel Robbins
And now I want you to flip to page 299 and read that last part to the listener.
- CHChelsea Handler
"Now it's your job to keep that candle lit and not to let anyone, including yourself, blow it out. You are effulgent. You are true. You are a bright beam of generosity. Don't stop what you're doing, because you are on your way to great things. Hold onto the light, look in the mirror every day, and tell yourself, 'Hello, beautiful.'"
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) .
- CHChelsea Handler
"'What great things are we going to get up to today?'" See, I do say that.
Episode duration: 1:18:03
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