How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher

1. 0:00 – 7:47

   Welcome

   1. JJDr. Judith Joseph0:00

      Everyone has a different idea about happiness.

   2. NANarrator0:01

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JJDr. Judith Joseph0:02

      But many people, when they think of happiness, they're thinking about, "I have this house, I have this car, I have this partner, I have this perfect job. I feel complete." Once you get those things, the science shows that you're still not happy, you're still looking for more things. There are five pathways to happiness. The first, validation. We invalidate how we feel all of the time, we don't acknowledge our stress. We say, "I'm fine, I'm okay." The second V is venting. We need to let out our pressure, we need to let off steam, literally, right? The third is values. Having that self-reflection and thinking about what you truly value, what brings you purpose and meaning. The fourth is vitals. How many bodies did God give you? One. And what do we have to do with it? Take care of it. The fifth is ...

   4. MRMel Robbins0:47

      (clock ticking) Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so happy that you're here, because I love the topic and I love who we're gonna get to spend time with together. And you know who else I love spending time with together? You. It's always an honor to be able to spend this time and learn with you and laugh with you. And if you're brand new, I just wanna welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. You have picked one heck of a winner of a conversation to listen to, because what's more important than your happiness? Not a whole lot else. And the fact that you hit play, you know what that tells me about you? It tells me that you're interested in learning more about ways that you can improve your life and be happier and you also love research. I love that, because I love that too. And today, I'm bringing you a conversation that's not just inspiring, it's transformational. Today, in our Boston studios, you're gonna get to meet and spend time with the incredible Doctor Judith Joseph. Now, Doctor Judith is a double board certified psychiatrist. She earned her medical degree and MBA, and completed her residency at Columbia University, where she now serves as the chairwoman of the Women in Medicine Board, and she also went to do her fellowship at NYU, where she's been a professor for over a decade. Her cutting-edge research has earned her national recognition, including a US Congress and House of Representatives Proclamation Award for her advocacy in mental health and her innovative research. She is also at the cutting edge of medical research. She's the founder and principal investigator at Manhattan Behavioral Medicine, where she and her team have conducted over 60 clinical research trials, including leading the trial for the first ever FDA approved drug for post-partum depression. Isn't that amazing? Well, that's just the beginning. Doctor Judith's mission aligns perfectly with the mission of the Mel Robbins Podcast, which is to make life-changing information accessible to everyone, in your life, in my life. That's what we're doing here, and why I'm so excited is because through her latest brand new Happy Lab research, she's been working to uncover what she says are the five things based on research that are gonna make you thrive, and today she is revealing them to you, so let's dive in. Please help me welcome the extraordinary Doctor Judith Joseph to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

   5. JJDr. Judith Joseph3:05

      Mel, I'm so happy to be here.

   6. MRMel Robbins3:07

      Well, I can't wait to jump into the topic and to all of your brand new research, and I wanna start by asking you, could you just speak directly to the person that's here with us right now and listening, and share with them what is it that they might experience differently in their life if they really take to heart everything that you're about to teach us today and they apply it in their life?

   7. JJDr. Judith Joseph3:31

      If you're listening right now and you are feeling a bit empty or restless or just feeling lost, you should thank yourself right now, because you are giving yourself the gift of knowledge. You are being curious about how you can potentially be happier, and how you could p- potentially impact the people in your lives. So I want you to thank yourself, because you are giving your gi- yourself the gift of making your life better.

   8. MRMel Robbins3:57

      I was not expecting you to say that. I think that when you're feeling really overwhelmed or lost or just unhappy, that the last thing that you're doing is thanking yourself, you're beating yourself up. Why is that an important thing to do?

   9. JJDr. Judith Joseph4:12

      Many of us are so hard on ourselves. Look, for example, today, I'm coming to the Mel Robbins show to see my good friend Mel, and I'm like, "Why didn't I read this? Why didn't I read that?" I had to even stop and say, "I should be really giving myself some gratitude here, you know? I'm doing something that's making the world a better place, I'm a working mom, I'm a single mom, I am an entrepreneur." So as a psychiatrist, I have to remind myself of my self-worth that I am doing something good, that I should be grateful for me and grateful for the things that I'm doing.

   10. MRMel Robbins4:45

       What's interesting about what you just said is that I think that we are all, know that we beat ourselves up, but when I look at somebody like you and I look at your resume and I look at the work that you're doing in the world, it wouldn't even occur to me that you have a critical inner voice. And I guess where I wanna start, because for the person that isn't familiar with your work, you have an extremely unique lab. You do very important work, and I would love for you to just share with the person that's with us what you do and why it's so unique and the kinds of things that your lab is researching right now.

   11. JJDr. Judith Joseph5:25

       Well, Mel, I've- I've told you this story before personally, but many people don't know this. In 2020, I was sitting at my desk in my office and I was giving this talk to this major hospital system, to people who were, didn't know what was happening in the world, who were faced with uncertainty and were afraid, and they were looking to me for help. And midway through that talk, I was just like, "Oh my gosh, I think I'm depressed." And I was like, "How did depression sneak up on me?" And it led me to wonder, how many people out there are wearing this mask of productivity, they're really struggling un- underneath and no one knows it? But they're coping with it by busying themselves, by showing up for others, by being a- a good mom, by being a good friend, a good sister, a caretaker.... and I started to ask this question in my practice, and many people were saying, "That is me, that is me," but they weren't fitting neatly into this box because they were still going, they were still pushing through, they were still functioning.

   12. MRMel Robbins6:20

       Hmm.

   13. JJDr. Judith Joseph6:21

       That led me to really understand the human experience in a different way. How is it that people are showing up, but they're feeling empty? What is that? And that led me to understand high-functioning depression, that feeling of being numb, f- being meh, feeling blah, feeling as if things don't excite you anymore. And I want people to know that this is a human experience. It's happening to you, you can understand it better, and you could do something about it.

   14. MRMel Robbins6:46

       You have a very unique take though on everything that you do, because you're not only in clinical practice and you're not only a professor, but you're running this world-renowned research lab. So before we jump into some of the things that you've been researching about high-functioning depression, and more importantly, the new research coming out of The Happiness Lab, can you just share with the person that's listening what your lab does and some of the things that you're focused on that are very unique and how that informs the way you think about happiness?

   15. JJDr. Judith Joseph7:22

       Yes, my lab is focused on mental health issues, anywhere from ADHD to dementia. And as a principal investigator leading teams that study phase two to phase four clinical research, we're constantly trying to work with companies to develop new medications, new therapies to address things like ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, depression.

2. 7:47 – 15:46

   What The Biopsychosocial Model Is

   1. JJDr. Judith Joseph7:47

      And as a scientific, a serious researcher, I know that there's something called the biopsychosocial model. So-

   2. MRMel Robbins7:54

      Okay, hold on.

   3. JJDr. Judith Joseph7:55

      (laughs)

   4. MRMel Robbins7:55

      What is the bio so- social psycho... What- what did you say?

   5. JJDr. Judith Joseph7:59

      Biopsychosocial model.

   6. MRMel Robbins8:01

      Okay, and what does that mean in a normal person speak?

   7. JJDr. Judith Joseph8:05

      Well, in medical school, we all learned that certain illnesses or conditions have different components.

   8. MRMel Robbins8:11

      Uh-huh.

   9. JJDr. Judith Joseph8:12

      If it were as simple, let's say for example, as depression, if it were as simple as taking a pill, we, none of us would ever be depressed. We'd just put the meds in the water and everybody would be happy-go-lucky, right?

   10. MRMel Robbins8:21

       Yeah.

   11. JJDr. Judith Joseph8:21

       But we know that it's not that simple because biologically, there are risk factors for depression, there are risk factors based on your genetics, your past hist- family history, and certain medical conditions. And then we know psychologically, there are factors based on your past trauma, your attachment style, the way that you're resilient or not, the way you cope adaptively or not, and then the social part, which is your environment.

   12. MRMel Robbins8:46

       Mm-hmm.

   13. JJDr. Judith Joseph8:46

       So, what are your relationships like? What is your job like? What is your school like? What are you eating? How much are you moving? Are you exposed to toxins? So it's very complicated because there are all these factors that lead to your happiness or detract from your happiness, and I wanted to democratize that because why should only medical students have access to this? Everyone should know what their biopsychosocial is because then we have different avenues to obtaining and attaining sustainable happiness.

   14. MRMel Robbins9:17

       I think I understand why you're so excited about this new research. What are you researching exactly in The Happiness Lab?

   15. JJDr. Judith Joseph9:26

       Well, everyone has a different idea about happiness.

   16. MRMel Robbins9:28

       Mm-hmm. What is your definition of happiness?

   17. JJDr. Judith Joseph9:30

       For me?

   18. MRMel Robbins9:31

       Yeah.

   19. JJDr. Judith Joseph9:32

       Feeling connected. When I was... And it goes back to my childhood. My dad was a pastor and we would go out into the community and help people, and feeling connected to people, feeling that I'm creating purpose in this world, that makes me happy. And connectedness could be with my family, it could be with my friends in my lab, but that makes me extremely happy. I mean, I'm one of four siblings, so I'm always around people and that energy feeds me, it makes me thrive. The moments in my li- life, in my past when I've been unhappy, I've been incredibly lonely-

   20. MRMel Robbins10:07

       Hmm.

   21. JJDr. Judith Joseph10:08

       ... and I need to feel that- that connection.

   22. MRMel Robbins10:12

       Is everybody's definition different?

   23. JJDr. Judith Joseph10:14

       I think so. I think some people are okay with having some loneliness here or there, you know, I- I call it loneliness, but for them, it's me time, right?

   24. MRMel Robbins10:22

       Right, right.

   25. JJDr. Judith Joseph10:22

       Um, for others, they need that time away from others to explore, to create, and that's okay. We all have our own idea of what makes us feel happier. Every time you think of the word happy, just imagine, write down what you imagine happy is in your mind.

   26. MRMel Robbins10:40

       I immediately thought of my dog. I don't know if my family's gonna be mad at me, but for some reason, I thought about my dog. Well, I have two dogs, so I should probably say both dogs. And the fact that it's not that I'm happy when I see them, I am, but if I had to think of an image around what is happy, it's the fact that when you open the door, your pet is so excited to see you, their whole body is shaking, they are nothing but love toward you, th- they seem to constantly be emoting something that feels positive. Am I in the right lane here?

   27. JJDr. Judith Joseph11:15

       Well, uh, Mel, you're healed. Like, you have a... (laughs)

   28. MRMel Robbins11:17

       (laughs)

   29. JJDr. Judith Joseph11:18

       You've done the work. But many people, when they think of happiness, when they're being real with themselves, they're thinking about, "I have this house, I have this car, I have this partner, I have this perfect job. I feel complete." The problem with that is that once you get those things, the science shows that you're still not happy, you're still looking for more things. And I- I've experienced that, you know, I had the fancy degrees, got the marriage, got the kid, had the house, had the business, and I still felt empty, I was still looking for more.

   30. MRMel Robbins11:50

       Hmm.
3. 15:46 – 19:36

   The Five V’s: A Research-Backed Blueprint for Thriving

   1. MRMel Robbins15:46

      And what I'm curious about is, why did you want to then kind of flip it from depression and anxiety and truly do research around happiness? Like, what led to this?

   2. JJDr. Judith Joseph16:01

      So, many times, we're so focused on the science and advances that we've forgotten the basics.

   3. MRMel Robbins16:07

      Mm.

   4. JJDr. Judith Joseph16:08

      And we all have the DNA, we have the makeup to find happiness. We're just genetically built to have joy. That's why we have dopamine in our, in our brains, but we've forgotten along the way the basics, and I wanted people to know that there are five pathways to happiness that everyone has access to. We all, you know, do different things within these five Vs that I created, but we all have access to them. And if we knew them, then we could all find the science of our own happiness and follow these five pathways.

   5. MRMel Robbins16:40

      And are these five pathways that you're about to teach us, these five Vs that have come out of your research in this Happiness Lab project, are these related to the same things that keep you unhappy or make you be in a position in your life where you feel lost or overwhelmed? Like, what's the connection between what you see when somebody's really struggling versus what you see when somebody's happy?

   6. JJDr. Judith Joseph17:07

      All of these five Vs have a negative and a positive aspect of them. If we're not doing them right, we will be unhappy. If we're doing them in a positive way that edifies us, we will be happier.

   7. MRMel Robbins17:20

      Let me just see that I understand what you just said. So as a psychiatrist and a researcher, you see these same five things when somebody's struggling. It's just that they're not actually focused on them.

   8. JJDr. Judith Joseph17:34

      Correct.

   9. MRMel Robbins17:34

      And that means that if you flip it, these same five things become your pathway to becoming happier regardless of where you are in your life and what you're dealing with.

   10. JJDr. Judith Joseph17:44

       Absolutely.

   11. MRMel Robbins17:45

       That is so cool. Well, one of the Vs I heard you say was venting.

   12. JJDr. Judith Joseph17:50

       Yes.

   13. MRMel Robbins17:50

       No wonder I'm happy-

   14. JJDr. Judith Joseph17:51

       (laughs)

   15. MRMel Robbins17:51

       ... 'cause I do a lot of venting.

   16. JJDr. Judith Joseph17:53

       You do.

   17. MRMel Robbins17:53

       Now, I actually wanna unpack all this because you keep, though, saying, "Tailor it to the individual." What does that mean? Because I thought that kind of the blueprint is the same for all of us. It's not?

   18. JJDr. Judith Joseph18:05

       We all have a biopsychosocial.But many of us, let's say people who have autoimmune conditions, we may have to focus more on the biological part. Because if we have a condition that's really creating a lot of stress on our bodies and brains, then you know, it may not make sense to focus on the social part. Like, it doesn't matter how much kale you eat, you're still gonna have that autoimmune condition, so you may have to work with specialists, work on decreasing the amount of inflammation in your body from that biological perspective, and then work on the psychological and social layer. For others of us, we may have more of the social aspect that's creating stress in our system, so it could be a bad relationship with a toxic individual who's literally, like, sucking our life force. So again, you may wanna focus there because it doesn't matter how much sleep you're getting, you need to be able to get this person out of your life so that you can see clearer and make better decisions. And for others, we have more psychological components that are creating stress. Let's say if you have a history of trauma and you are avoiding things, you're avoiding living because you're afraid of being triggered, I may wanna work more with that individual on how to address their trauma response so they can cope better. So yes, the five V's seems like one method, but we all wanna utilize it differently because we're all unique and different, and we all have different biopsychosocial components.

   19. MRMel Robbins19:25

       And the five V's that you're about to share with us help you customize what you need to work on now?

   20. JJDr. Judith Joseph19:30

       Yes.

   21. MRMel Robbins19:30

       That is so cool.

   22. JJDr. Judith Joseph19:31

       (laughs)

   23. MRMel Robbins19:32

       Okay? This is personalized medicine, basically, straight from

4. 19:36 – 26:20

   Validation: The First Step to Happiness

   1. MRMel Robbins19:36

      you. So let's unpack this. What is the first V in this formula that you have?

   2. JJDr. Judith Joseph19:42

      The first V is validation. We often are so busy, we neglect how we feel. We sometimes, like, you know, I'm guilty of it too. I'll be sitting at, I'll be working and I have to go to the bathroom, and I don't even go to the bathroom. I'm invalidating how I feel. And I recently gave a talk to a group of high powered women, and I asked them, "How many of you have worked through going to the bathroom through eating?" And they raised their hands because we don't acknowledge how we feel. If you don't acknowledge how you feel, you can't do anything about it.

   3. MRMel Robbins20:13

      How on earth does validating how I feel make me happier?

   4. JJDr. Judith Joseph20:16

      Knowing how you feel, in itself, is a therapeutic act. Many times, we don't understand our emotions. We kind of feel like blah, numb, or we're just going through it. But the science shows us that if we can acknowledge how we feel, that in itself decreases the amount of uncertainty. As human beings, we need to know things. Feeling that we know what's happening actually decreases uncertainty and decreases stress, and we feel better.

   5. MRMel Robbins20:43

      So how do you start this? Because I think for a lot of us, if I think back to... Today, I'm doing okay.

   6. JJDr. Judith Joseph20:50

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins20:50

      Like, this particular day. Tomorrow, who knows what's gonna happen when I wake up? But when I think back to moments in my life where I've been profoundly unhappy, I was way too busy. I was drinking too much. I was gaslighting myself, saying, "I'll just get through it. I'll just get through it." But if you're in the middle of that, or you're profoundly depressed, like, you're so wired to just keep going or to avoid it. How do you even validate your feelings if you've basically been numbing them for a long time?

   8. JJDr. Judith Joseph21:26

      So w- uh, many times we avoid how we feel because this is a trauma response. If bad things happen to us and they're emotionally triggering, we don't wanna think about it. So it's natural to not wanna say, "I feel this way," because we're afraid that if we acknowledge it, something bad will happen, and we get triggered and we may go into fight or flight because we're acknowledging this negative emotion. But it's important to do this because if we are not acknowledging how we're feeling, we're not able to break patterns that may actually be very unhealthy for us. I once had a client who had a hard time validating how she felt because she was so busy focused on everyone else around her. She was busying herself worried about how everyone else felt and validating them that she was invalidating herself. And in our work together, we realized that she was the serial people pleaser. But in that work, having her slow down, having her not look outwards but look inwards, and understand that, "Okay, I'm doing this because I have low self-worth, because, you know, in my past, I was neglected, that this is the only way that I can show up, because this is the only way I think I'm able to obtain love," that allowed her to acknowledge that emptiness that she felt, that feeling of low worth that she felt. And it wasn't a positive feeling. It was a negative feeling. It was painful for her. But acknowledging it and validating it allowed us to do the work to move forward in a different direction so that her relationships are more balanced and they're healthier.

   9. MRMel Robbins22:55

      A lot of times when you are a people pleaser and you are somebody that cannot say no and you struggle with guilt and then you're exhausted and you're always last on the list, like, there's this real kind of weakness that masochism is a strong word. And so when you start to call yourself, "I'm being a masochist," which basically means you're destroying yourself, if I'm kind of tracking with you here, I, I, I, you had the benefit of going to therapy. The majority of people do not. So do you, as a psychiatrist running a clinical practice, have a tricky question, like a sneaky one?

   10. JJDr. Judith Joseph23:32

       (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins23:33

       For s- No, I'm serious. The act of learning how to validate how you feel, it's very difficult for a lot of people. I remember this funny thing that my mother said once. We were talking about therapy, and she just kinda quipped, "Well, why would I wanna go to therapy? So I can find out I hate my life and I don't like your father?"

   12. JJDr. Judith Joseph23:51

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins23:51

       "Like, I don't wanna look at myself." And we had a good laugh, and she was kinda kidding. But is there a way, and I, I really mean this, for somebody that's never stopped to think about how they're actually feeling because they've been in survival mode or they've had an experience in life where they've just felt kind of invisible?... where you could give the person listening a cue or a journal prompt so that they could truly do step one?

   14. JJDr. Judith Joseph24:24

       Absolutely. And, and you're gonna say it's simple, but the first step is ask yourself, "How do I feel?" I know it sounds so cheesy, but, "How do I really feel?" That's, like, the internal validation. People are neurodivergent. Some people can't do that introspection, so what I do with some of my clients is I say, "Well, because you're a visual learner, sometimes it's helpful for you, may not be helpful for someone else, to look in the mirror and look yourself in the eye and say, 'How am I feeling today?' Be honest with yourself." Other people, again, people learn differently. They're more tactile, so they use their hands, they're more manual, so I'll ask them to write, "How do I feel?"

   15. MRMel Robbins25:03

       Mm.

   16. JJDr. Judith Joseph25:04

       In some cases where people have something called alexithymia, which is a condition where you have a really hard time pinpointing your emotions, I'll actually have a face chart of different emotions and different words, and I'll ask them to circle, "How do I feel?" It sounds very basic, but there are people who can't. They just either culturally were not taught to validate themselves, or in their family it just wasn't the norm, or, again, they have alexithymia, they just don't know how to identify feelings. So depending on the person, I have artists sometimes who come to my office and I'll say, like, "When you're playing a song, maybe play a song that expresses how you feel." So that's how you can self-validate. You can verbally acknowledge it or you can write it down, but it's important to do it.

   17. MRMel Robbins25:47

       I, I think I understand why. Let me s- let me give this back to you. You can't be sober until you stop drinking.

   18. JJDr. Judith Joseph25:55

       Mm-hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins25:56

       And if you want to be happy, you're not gonna be able to access it if you are going through life denying the fact that you feel overwhelmed or sad or lonely. Like, stopping to acknowledge-

   20. JJDr. Judith Joseph26:13

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins26:13

       ... where you're at opens the door for you to walk through it into a different room.

5. 26:20 – 34:50

   Venting: Releasing the Pressure

   1. MRMel Robbins26:20

   2. JJDr. Judith Joseph26:20

      Yes.

   3. MRMel Robbins26:21

      So what is the second V?

   4. JJDr. Judith Joseph26:23

      The second V is venting. And (laughs) -

   5. MRMel Robbins26:25

      I love this one. Okay.

   6. JJDr. Judith Joseph26:26

      If you think about venting, so from a scientific term, it's like air is in a bubble and then you let it out and the pressure's released. We need to let out our pressure. We need to get ou- let off steam literally, right? So venting is getting that ve- like, once you validate how you feel, how do you get it out there? For some people, I mean, I, I, my dad's a pastor. They pray. You know, in the church, a lot of people pray and they'll talk to God and they express to God how they're feeling, but they don't feel comfortable telling their partner-

   7. MRMel Robbins26:55

      Mm-hmm.

   8. JJDr. Judith Joseph26:55

      ... they don't feel comfortable telling anyone else. For others, it's talking to a therapist. For others, it could be to a faith leader. And I mentioned I treat artists, so sometimes some of my artists will come in and they'll sing a song to me or they'll show me something that they drew. I personally vent by using social media, because if I'm feeling a certain way, I'll create a Reel or, um, you know, uh, a post to express it. And a lot of my younger clients who are in Gen Z, like, I think now 50% of Gen Z wants to have, like, a side hustle as being an influencer, so they're expressing their feelings that way, venting in that creative outlet.

   9. MRMel Robbins27:32

      So let me just make sure I get venting, 'cause when you said the second V from the research that you've been doing on what you need to be doing in order to become happier based on the research, when you said venting-

   10. JJDr. Judith Joseph27:47

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins27:47

       ... I'm like, "Great, so my rage texts-"

   12. JJDr. Judith Joseph27:49

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins27:49

       "... to my husband are gonna make me happier. My..." Th- but that's not what you mean.

   14. JJDr. Judith Joseph27:53

       No.

   15. MRMel Robbins27:54

       Okay.

   16. JJDr. Judith Joseph27:54

       Well, there are do's and don'ts of venting, right?

   17. MRMel Robbins27:56

       Okay, so give us the do's, because if you validate how you feel-

   18. JJDr. Judith Joseph28:00

       Mm-hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins28:01

       ... which opens the door to having you be able to feel something different-

   20. JJDr. Judith Joseph28:05

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins28:06

       ... then you have to vent, but what am I venting exac- am I venting bad things? Am I venting good things?

   22. JJDr. Judith Joseph28:13

       You can vent bad or good. Venting is getting the emotion out once you acknowledge it.

   23. MRMel Robbins28:18

       Oh.

   24. JJDr. Judith Joseph28:18

       Validating can be ac- acknowledging both perceived good and bad emotions, right, negative or positive. I don't like the word good bad, but, you know, any emotion that you acknowledge, you can then vent it. Now, what you described when you are, you know, full of rage or you're emotional, that could be perceived as trauma dumping, right? So, like...

   25. MRMel Robbins28:37

       Yeah, you mean Thursday night? (laughs)

   26. JJDr. Judith Joseph28:38

       (laughs) And with my clients, I do go through the do's and the don'ts, like, "Don't vent when you're in the heat of the moment," right? Maybe take a beat, m- slow down a bit and think about it. Um, and then, you know, don't trauma dump, you know, especially if you're venting to someone who's maybe on a, someone who's an employee, right? That power dynamic is not fair-

   27. MRMel Robbins29:00

       Mm-hmm.

   28. JJDr. Judith Joseph29:00

       ... because they, they're gonna listen.

   29. MRMel Robbins29:01

       Yeah.

   30. JJDr. Judith Joseph29:01

       They're not gonna be like, "Shut up." Like-
6. 34:50 – 41:31

   Values: Identifying What Truly Matters in Your Life

   1. MRMel Robbins34:50

      So what is, uh, the third V that somebody needs to do?

   2. JJDr. Judith Joseph34:54

      The third is values.

   3. MRMel Robbins34:56

      Okay.

   4. JJDr. Judith Joseph34:56

      And, you know, for myself, I talked about how I used to value education and accolades and all these things, but at the end of the day, I had to do a deep dive and think about, well, wha- and when I felt full, fed, and really purposeful, these were, this, these were the times when I was helping others, right?

   5. MRMel Robbins35:14

      Mm-hmm.

   6. JJDr. Judith Joseph35:15

      And even if I was in this prestigious program in this prestigious field at the time, I didn't feel fulfilled. I didn't feel fed, but what I valued was connecting with people and helping them. So I had to go back to the basics as to what I truly value, not what people tell me that I should value, not what my family told me I should value, but what I truly valued. And for some, it could be your faith. For some, it could be your family. For others, it's a cause that you feel passionate about. There are deeper level values and more shallow ones. Like, you know, many of us, we chase money. We chase materialistic things, and I, I think that those are more, you know, shallow because they don't last. Like, when you're in your deathbed, you're not gonna think, "Oh, I wish I had that pink Porsche," you know? (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins35:58

      Right.

   8. JJDr. Judith Joseph35:59

      You're gonna think-

   9. MRMel Robbins35:59

      The only, the only people that remember how much you're worth are your kids.

   10. JJDr. Judith Joseph36:02

       You're gonna think about the people in your life. You're gonna think about whether or not you created change. Th- you're gonna think about the legacy that you left, right? So I think that really being... you know, having that self-reflection and thinking about what you truly value, what brings you purpose and meaning, what makes your life rich, what makes you feel full and fed, not the things that are just around you, the objects, but things that really give you that sense of purpose.

   11. MRMel Robbins36:26

       As a psychiatrist in clinical practice...Is there a question? Is there, like, some little trick that we can use? Because I do think that word value-

   12. JJDr. Judith Joseph36:36

       Mm-hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins36:36

       ... it feels awfully big.

   14. JJDr. Judith Joseph36:38

       It does.

   15. MRMel Robbins36:38

       And when you're not happy, you're not sure what you value.

   16. JJDr. Judith Joseph36:42

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins36:43

       And especially if you're listening, not even for yourself, but you're thinking about somebody that you care about who isn't happy right now, is there a question? Is there an exercise? Is, do you look in the past and see when you were happy? Like, how can you figure this out for yourself?

   18. JJDr. Judith Joseph36:59

       When I have a client in my practice-

   19. MRMel Robbins37:00

       Mm-hmm.

   20. JJDr. Judith Joseph37:01

       ... sometimes, and I recently had someone come to me and say, "I just don't remember what I valued anymore," so we had to look at the past. And I asked her, you know, "When was the last time that you can really remember that you felt full and fed?" You know, I feel- I use these very, like, basic-

   21. MRMel Robbins37:15

       You mean, other, a- a table?

   22. JJDr. Judith Joseph37:16

       Yeah. Uh, o- other than that-

   23. MRMel Robbins37:18

       Dining room table? Yes.

   24. JJDr. Judith Joseph37:18

       ... just, like, spiritually full.

   25. MRMel Robbins37:19

       Okay.

   26. JJDr. Judith Joseph37:20

       You know, satisfied. And we went back to her childhood, and around that time, you know, her parents were going through a divorce. But right before that, she remembered that they would spend a lot of time in nature, that they would, you know, do camping trips and things like that. And so we had to look back in her past. It took us time, but we found that point in time. We found the trauma, and we uncovered what was blocking her. And she hadn't been spending a lot of time in nature. She was living in a big city. She was busying herself with her important job. So I asked her, "Okay, let's, you value nature. Let's start to spend some time there." I didn't ask her to go on a hiking trip.

   27. MRMel Robbins37:56

       Right.

   28. JJDr. Judith Joseph37:56

       I asked her to slowly take steps. So the first step was, you know, reading about, uh, a hike online. The next step was maybe looking at pictures of it-

   29. MRMel Robbins38:06

       Mm.

   30. JJDr. Judith Joseph38:06

       ... maybe going out and picking out some boots, so we did baby steps to get there. And eventually, she started spending more time in nature and feeling a bit happier. You know, not to say that her depression was completely cured, but her points of joy were increasing. And that gave her hope, because she felt so lost, but knowing that these little things, simple things, could bring her back to feeling purposeful, even for just moments, that gave her hope.
7. 41:31 – 46:30

   Vitals: The Link Between Physical and Mental Health

   1. MRMel Robbins41:31

      So, Dr. Judith, what is the fourth V?

   2. JJDr. Judith Joseph41:33

      The fourth is vitals.

   3. MRMel Robbins41:35

      Okay, what does that mean? Okay.

   4. JJDr. Judith Joseph41:35

      And I call it, I call it the annoying V. (laughs)

   5. MRMel Robbins41:38

      (laughs)

   6. JJDr. Judith Joseph41:38

      Because whenever you go to your doctor, they're gonna be like, "Make sure you're eating well, you're sleeping well," and all these-

   7. MRMel Robbins41:43

      Oh, I thought you were about to say-

   8. JJDr. Judith Joseph41:44

      ... great things moving.

   9. MRMel Robbins41:44

      ... get on the scale. I'm like-

   10. JJDr. Judith Joseph41:45

       (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins41:45

       ... let me take our shoes off first, please.

   12. JJDr. Judith Joseph41:47

       But, you know, with my daughter, every night, I'll tell her, you know, we, we, I, I say, "How many bodies did God give you?" And she says, "One." "And then what do you gotta do with it?" "Take care of it." And I think it's a very basic, you know, story. It makes my heart really tender, but we only have one body.

   13. MRMel Robbins42:02

       That was so beautiful.

   14. JJDr. Judith Joseph42:04

       (laughs) Thank you.

   15. MRMel Robbins42:05

       Would you say that again, what you say to your daughter?

   16. JJDr. Judith Joseph42:08

       I ask her, you know, "How many bodies did God give you?" And she says, "One." "And what do we have to do with it?" "Take care of it."

   17. MRMel Robbins42:15

       It's so true. And regardless of what you believe when it comes to spirituality, you just have one body.

   18. JJDr. Judith Joseph42:21

       Mm-hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins42:22

       And it's your job to take care of it.

   20. JJDr. Judith Joseph42:24

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins42:25

       It's actually your responsibility. And I love that word responsibility because if you break it apart, it's your ability to respond. And no matter what's going on, if you really take the fourth V-... to heart in the way that you're about to explain it to us. Like, you do have the ability to respond to the circumstances of your life and make better decisions and choices about how you take care of this one body that you have. 'Cause a lot of us just, it's like a afterthought and then we wonder why we're not happy. What are the most important things when it comes to this fourth V and vital and taking care of this one body you have?

   22. JJDr. Judith Joseph43:08

       Well, I- I love vitals because vitals kind of looks at the biopsychosocial, and if you, if you look at th- at the diagram online, they overlap the Venn, uh, diagram. So, it has a lot of the biological components, like the things that we eat. Many times, you know, we eat things that ha- are so processed, that are not full of nutrients, and that causes inflammation to rise in our body. Inflammation makes our brains unhappy, makes us more anxious and depressed, makes our sleep worse, makes our body feel icky. And then, you know, the, so there are certain foods that you can eat that are rich in vitamins and omega-3 fatty acids like fish, leafy greens, berries, that are good for your brain. Like, um, w- in our Happiness Lab, we do a demonstration where we have everyone eat a blueberry and we're like, "You know what? Within an hour, you're gonna have blood rushing to your brain because that's how powerful a single blueberry is." And so-

   23. MRMel Robbins43:58

       For real?

   24. JJDr. Judith Joseph43:59

       Very powerful. Antioxidant, anti-cancer, just so, just so full of nutrients. And so learning that food has so much power in terms of your happiness, I, it's a reframe for me. So when I start eating my salmon and my, and my spinach, I'm like, "I am doing such good things for my body right now. I'm loving myself. I'm taking care of my body." And that is, I'm self-validating, I'm venting-

   25. MRMel Robbins44:24

       Oh. Oh, wait.

   26. JJDr. Judith Joseph44:24

       ... you know, like you're tying all the Vs together. (laughs)

   27. MRMel Robbins44:26

       You are.

   28. JJDr. Judith Joseph44:27

       Yes.

   29. MRMel Robbins44:27

       You're right, because you're talking about how you feel and you're talking out loud to yourself.

   30. JJDr. Judith Joseph44:31

       Mm-hmm.
8. 46:30 – 1:04:14

   Vision: How to Design a Future That Inspires You

   1. MRMel Robbins46:30

      And what's the fifth V?

   2. JJDr. Judith Joseph46:32

      The fifth is vision. Many times we're so busy-

   3. MRMel Robbins46:35

      Mm-hmm.

   4. JJDr. Judith Joseph46:36

      ... that we are not planning our happiness. We're not looking forward. We're not celebrating our wins. And I'm not talking about the big wins, I'm talking about even the small wins, like if you got your kid to school on time. You know, sit down, have a sip of coffee and say, "Wow, like, I'm really, I'm a good parent. Like, I did that." Um, and also just, like, planning joy. We don't take the time to do that. We check the boxes but we don't really look forward to the future. And if we don't have things to look forward to in the future, we're gonna feel stuck in the past.

   5. MRMel Robbins47:09

      I think that's, I think you see it for sure when you have somebody in your life that is unhappy.

   6. JJDr. Judith Joseph47:14

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins47:15

      That when they wake up, they're not happy with the life that they're in and with where they are in life. Is there a simple thing that you tell your patients to do that helps them have a vision that makes them happy with where they're going in life and with where they are?

   8. JJDr. Judith Joseph47:35

      Yes. I mean, I have so many different tools that I give them, but, uh, one of my favorite is the time capsule tool. So I'll say- (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins47:42

      Okay, what's that? Will you walk us through that?

   10. JJDr. Judith Joseph47:44

       It's a, it's a very traditional thing but it's, like, what are the things in your life that you are looking forward to in the future? Let's put it in this time capsule and let's set a date as a family for us to dig it up, right? So the, and I ask them to put-

   11. MRMel Robbins47:58

       But you can do this as an individual, right?

   12. JJDr. Judith Joseph48:00

       You can do this as an individual.

   13. MRMel Robbins48:01

       All right. So let's just say you're an individual-

   14. JJDr. Judith Joseph48:03

       Yes.

   15. MRMel Robbins48:03

       ... and you're unhappy-

   16. JJDr. Judith Joseph48:04

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins48:05

       ... and you're about to do the time capsule exercise.

   18. JJDr. Judith Joseph48:08

       Mm-hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins48:08

       Can you walk us through it?

   20. JJDr. Judith Joseph48:10

       Yeah. So if you value, right, your family, you may wanna put a picture of them in there and then a little note saying, "I wanna have more interactions with this person." If you value music and you wanna have more live music experiences, I'm gonna try and put something in there that I'm gonna work towards. Maybe it's seeing my favorite artist playing, maybe it's finally going to a concert. If it's about your health, you're gonna put something in there like, "Okay, I wanna get more movement in. So in the future, I'm gonna write my, a note to myself that I'm gonna get more steps." Some of us don't get enough steps because we're so sedentary in our ways.... but then if we have this physical thing, and the reason that I came up with this is because, um, I've traveled the world learning about how we view happiness differently. I noticed that a lot of cultures have little shrines.

   21. MRMel Robbins48:59

       Mm.

   22. JJDr. Judith Joseph49:00

       And, uh, it, it made me curious about that. Like, what is it about that symbolism-

   23. MRMel Robbins49:04

       Huh.

   24. JJDr. Judith Joseph49:04

       ... that's so powerful? Sometimes we have to create our own l- shrines to remind us, right? Because, again, many of us are neurodivergent. We learn differently. So having that visual, that tactile, that sensory reminder helps us to have something to look forward to. And my, my clients love it. They love to, like, be their own, uh, like, happiness archaeologist and, like, put together this time capsule and then have something they could dig up in the future. It doesn't have to be a year. It could be, like, two months. But we dig it up together, and we explore, like, how did we do? And I think it's a creative, fun way for people to stay on track and to have something that keeps them moving forward.

   25. MRMel Robbins49:42

       How do you... Like, how does... 'Cause I know you research the heck out of absolutely everything you recommend.

   26. JJDr. Judith Joseph49:49

       (laughs)

   27. MRMel Robbins49:49

       So how does the physical act of creating a vision help you feel happier?

   28. JJDr. Judith Joseph49:57

       You're using all of your senses to stay present. It is something that you are... You need the, the sense of touch for.

   29. MRMel Robbins50:05

       Mm.

   30. JJDr. Judith Joseph50:05

       You need the sense of sight. Some of the things in there could be, uh, emote a smell or sound. But it keeps you grounded and present in this act of love to yourself. And, like I, I mentioned, a lot of my clients are neurodivergent. They need those different s- uh, stimuli to, to be able to stay focused, and they need something to physically look forward to. Many of us can't be as, uh, abstract. Many of us need those concrete reminders. So I... And, and it's something we can do together. It creates that sense of connection, that community.

Episode duration: 1:04:14