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How to Eliminate Self-Doubt Forever & Build Unshakeable Confidence

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In today’s episode, you’ll learn how to beat self-doubt, stop procrastinating, and communicate with ease and confidence. Joining Mel today is Dr. Shadé Zahrai, a behavioral researcher and confidence expert, to teach you a research-backed, 4-part framework for building unshakeable confidence and eliminating self-doubt. Dr. Zahrai says that self-doubt shows up in many different ways - from overthinking, to constant comparison, to blame and resentment, and yes… to procrastination. Today, she will walk you through the framework she says will start to dissolve that self-doubt once and for all, part by part. You’ll learn: -The 2 things to do when you don’t like yourself -4 signs you feel powerless in your life - and what to do next -A proven way to worry less - and it starts with your phone alarm -The 4 sneaky ways self-doubt shows up -The one word to cut from your vocabulary and what to say instead -How to change your voice so you sound confident when it counts -The mind-blowing scar experiment that shows how your mindset shapes every interaction -How your first jobs hardwire the way you show up at work - for years -The 4 “trust traits” that run your relationships and your career -Why feeling like an imposter is a good sign - and how to use it -What chronic complaining tells people about you - and how it keeps you stuck -How to make better decisions under pressure, without second-guessing yourself after By the time you’re done listening, you’ll have the tools you need, and you’ll know which one to use for your own personal struggles, so that you finally show up for your life with the confidence you deserve. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-394/ Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. This episode is brought to you by Apple Card Verizon: verizon.com/switch-to-verizon In this episode: 00:00 Intro 01:16 Is It Possible To Overcome Self-Doubt? 05:14 What Is The Cure For Self-Doubt? 15:53 How To Get Rid Of Self-Doubt And Gain Confidence 24:16 5 Simple Ways To Build Self Acceptance 34:33 How To Build Confidence With A High Agency Mindset 43:13 What Happens When You Embrace Autonomy? 45:49 How Do I Stop Overthinking Everything? 48:48 How and Why You Should Stop Complaining 51:18 Why You Should Stop Blaming Others 54:28 How To Look Confident 58:52 How To Sound Confident 01:04:45 Finding The Balance Between Courage And Humanness 01:12:19 Dr. Shadé Zahrai Wants You To Lower Your Standards — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostDr. Shadé Zahraiguest
May 11, 20261h 17mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 1:16

    Intro

    1. MR

      Today, you and I are gonna learn all about this four-part framework that helps you build unshakable self-confidence.

    2. SZ

      There are four attributes. We have acceptance, we have agency, we have autonomy, we have adaptability. Self-acceptance is fundamentally accepting that you are a work in progress. You don't need other people to validate your worth. You are worthy just by existing. Agency is that attribute that allows you to trust that you can do the thing, and if you don't know how to do it, you will learn how to do it. Autonomy is the belief that you have a degree of control over your life. Adaptability is actually so much more than what we think it is.

    3. MR

      Dr. Shadé is a behavioral researcher and bestselling author with a PhD in organizational behavior.

    4. SZ

      Some studies have found up to 82% of people have felt like an imposter at some point. And the beautiful thing about feeling like an imposter is it is a sign that you are growing. You don't realize how you're keeping yourself stuck when you complain about the things you have no control over. Show up for the life that you want now. Don't wait for it. Don't wait for permission. Don't wait till you feel ready. Don't f- wait till you feel worthy. If you show up for the person that you want to be now, your life will fundamentally change because everything will feel lighter.

  2. 1:16 – 5:14

    Is It Possible To Overcome Self-Doubt?

    1. MR

      Dr. Shadé Zahrai, welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast.

    2. SZ

      Thank you so much for having me.

    3. MR

      I am so excited you're here. Thank you for traveling halfway around the world to be here today, and here's where I wanna start. Your research around self-doubt, building confidence, feeling worthy, it is so important. We're gonna dig into it, and here's where I'd like to start. Could you speak directly to the person who's with us right now and tell them what might change about their life if I take everything to heart that you're about to teach us today, and I apply it to how I feel about myself?

    4. SZ

      If you actually apply what we're going to be exploring today, your life will fundamentally change because everything will feel lighter. People don't realize how insidious self-doubt is, and when you're living every day and you've got the insecurity and those negative thoughts and the self-criticism and the feelings of, "I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough," it is a weight. It makes everything more difficult. It leads to so much hesitation and second-guessing and missed opportunities.

    5. MR

      Hmm.

    6. SZ

      If you can learn to recognize, and you see, the beauty of this work is that you don't actually have to eliminate the doubt. You just have to strengthen parts of yourself that allow you to move through it, and then success becomes easier. Fulfillment in your relationships becomes easier. Happiness becomes easier, and this is based on decades' worth of research. So it's so incredibly important, and that's why I'm so excited to have this conversation with you.

    7. MR

      Well, I'm excited for you to teach us some of the frameworks in your bestselling book, Big Trust. And, you know, in your work, you work with CEOs of Fortune 500, 150 CEOs in terms of who you are coaching, who you are advising. But the journey to doing all this research began with you having a crisis in your own confidence and feeling like you weren't enough. So let's just start there. How did you begin this?

    8. SZ

      So my journey with self-doubt is really the driver of why I do what I do, because I have felt the pain over the entire course of my life. I mean, I'm still shedding the doubts that I developed early on, and I think if I really reflect on where it started, it started really early for me.

    9. MR

      Okay.

    10. SZ

      So I would've been about three, four, or five years old, and I am part of this beautifully supportive family, and every Friday night we would have dinner at my grandparents' place. And then after dinner, there was this family tradition where the little kids would dance for everybody. So I would hear, "Shadé

  3. 5:14 – 15:53

    What Is The Cure For Self-Doubt?

    1. SZ

      So a psychology professor by the name of Robert Cleck at Dartmouth, he conducted this fascinating experiment which really reveals how self-doubt works and where it comes from. He brought people together, and with one group, he drew a scar on their face, on the right side of their face between their ear and their mouth, this really noticeable, visible disfigurement.

    2. MR

      Yeah.

    3. SZ

      He let them see themselves in a mirror.

    4. MR

      Okay.

    5. SZ

      So they can go, "Okay, I have this scar on my face." And then he sent everyone out into conversations with strangers. Now, after the conversations, he then asked everybody, "How did you feel the conversation went?" The group without the scar felt like it was a fine conversation.

    6. MR

      Yeah.

    7. SZ

      The group with the scar reported feeling judged. They felt like it was tense. Their conversation partner was cold, and they felt like they were treated differently because of that scar. Now, that in itself would've been a really interesting experiment on prejudice and discrimination. But-

    8. MR

      Or perception of

    9. SZ

      ... Or perception of.

    10. MR

      Right.

    11. SZ

      Exactly, and that's where we get to the interesting piece. Because if I pause right now and I take you back, right before these people were sent into these conversations, so they've just seen themselves in the mirror-

    12. MR

      Right

    13. SZ

      ... right before they're sent into it, their researcher said, "Okay, I'm gonna apply some moisturizing cream to the scar to set it so it doesn't crack."

    14. MR

      Okay.

    15. SZ

      What was done, though, was the scar was removed entirely.

    16. MR

      Whoa.

    17. SZ

      There was no scar. These people went into these conversations believing they had a scar.

    18. MR

      And they didn't.

    19. SZ

      They didn't, and that led them to have an expectation about how people would treat them, which then led them to pay attention to things that objectively did not exist. It changed how they showed up. They created the reality they expected, and this is called expectation bias. We don't see the world as it is. We see the world as we expect it to be.

    20. MR

      Wow.

    21. SZ

      Now, when we think about what that means for us, when you're thinking about this from your own perspective, anyone who is watching or listening, what kind of scars are you carrying into every single conversation, every interaction, every meeting, every interview, every conversation with your loved one? How is that affecting how you not only show up, but what you're interpreting and noticing that may not even be there? Because until we're aware of these scars, we don't realize just how much they're creating the world that we're living in.

    22. MR

      Dr. Shadé, how do you rewire these moments of self-doubt?

    23. SZ

      So I have an analogy that I love to share to help us understand what we're actually rewiring-

    24. MR

      Okay

    25. SZ

      ... when we're talking about self-doubt.

    26. MR

      Great.

    27. SZ

      So what I have here is two glasses filled with yellow water.

    28. MR

      Okay. Now, I wanna narrate this because s- the majority of you listen, and I don't want you to miss a thing. So Dr. Shadé is sitting here at the table for the podcast. She has two to-the-brim bright neon yellow glasses full of yellow water sitting on a tray, and in one hand you have a ping pong ball?

    29. SZ

      I have a ping pong ball.

    30. MR

      And on the other hand she has a bright yellow golf ball. Okay.

  4. 15:53 – 24:16

    How To Get Rid Of Self-Doubt And Gain Confidence

    1. MR

      Dr. Shadé, you have this incredible framework based on research that helps us break apart self-doubt and build self-trust and self-confidence. Can you explain what this framework is?

    2. SZ

      There are four attributes. We have acceptance, we have agency, we have autonomy, we have adaptability.

    3. MR

      Why is having this 4-part framework helpful to breaking apart these moments of self-doubt and helping us build more confidence and self-trust? Why do we need a framework?

    4. SZ

      It's because we misunderstand self-doubt as being one blob of worry, insecurity, fear, and anxiety. And that means then if it, we think it's one thing, we think there's one solution, and that's why so many people are disappointed when they've tried the self-help route, and they've tried this book or that approach and it's not working, and it's because self-doubt doesn't operate that way. There are actually four distinct elements, and once you figure out which one is lacking in you, which one is weak, then you know exactly what you need to focus on, and then you can access the tools and the frameworks to help you move through and strengthen that so that everything in life just becomes so much more freeing. Let's start with acceptance. And so self-acceptance is fundamentally accepting that you are a work in progress. You don't need other people to validate your worth. You are worthy just by existing. Now, that doesn't mean that you accept that you will never change. It's actually acknowledging that I can change, I can grow, and be that work in progress, knowing that self-improvement is possible. So it's a beautifully liberating state. When you don't accept yourself, that is when you self-reject.

    5. MR

      Hmm.

    6. SZ

      You self-reject before anyone else can.

    7. MR

      But how do you accept yourself if you don't like yourself? You know what I mean? Like, you look in... Like, and I'm just gonna stay with the physical, because every one of us has the example, and when we start to get into psychological, "I don't like myself because of X, Y, Z that has happened," or, "These things that I did," it can get more complicated, and I want all of us to just stay right here and be listening for ourselves and listening for the people in your life who struggle with a lot of self-doubt. So if you do look in the mirror and you're like, "Yeah, and I don't wanna accept that."

    8. SZ

      So there are two things that I'd recommend you do.

    9. MR

      Okay.

    10. SZ

      The first... Well, actually, there's three. The first one is that you need to acknowledge that until you accept yourself, nothing will change.If you are someone who is saying, "I don't believe it."

    11. MR

      Yes.

    12. SZ

      In that case, what you wanna do is use other strategies and tools-

    13. MR

      Okay

    14. SZ

      ... that allow you to strengthen the self-acceptance in other ways that naturally will help you recognize that you are valuable in spite of not believing that initially. Okay, so the very, very first tool is very simple. We call it the care less list. What you're gonna do is grab a sheet of paper.

    15. MR

      Yeah.

    16. SZ

      Divide it into two columns. On the left, I want you to write down all the things you want to care less about.

    17. MR

      Mm.

    18. SZ

      I wanna care less about my physical appearance. I wanna care less about what people in the street think of me when I walk by. I wanna care less about what my family keeps saying about my acne or my weight or how I look. Actually acknowledge it. Give it a physical outlet. A lot of people don't actually want to acknowledge their fears because they're afraid that they'll make them real. But I'm a proponent, and a lot of evidence suggests, that if you can just make them real, it gives you something to work with. You're not hiding from it. So you write down everything you actually want to care less about, put it in the left, and then just reflect on how you feel when you look at that. How-

    19. MR

      I love that.

    20. SZ

      It's simple. So that's our care less list.

    21. MR

      Love it.

    22. SZ

      We've identified all the things-

    23. MR

      Yeah

    24. SZ

      ... that we wanna care less about.

    25. MR

      Yeah.

    26. SZ

      The next step is, okay, what do I wanna care more about?

    27. MR

      Mm.

    28. SZ

      What do I actually want to shift my attention to? Because attention is such a superpower. If we're not aware of it, we're going to be stuck in patterns that keep us stuck. But if we can become more aware of it, be a bit more curious about how we're thinking, this is called metacognition.

    29. MR

      Mm.

    30. SZ

      It's the ability to think about your thoughts, and it is a fundamental superpower, 'cause the moment you start thinking about your thoughts, you're no longer in your thoughts. So consciously write down, what do I wanna care more about? Well, I wanna care more about being of value in my life. I wanna care more about having the kind of courage that allows me to take the step even if I've got the acne or I look a certain way. You map them down.

  5. 24:16 – 34:33

    5 Simple Ways To Build Self Acceptance

    1. MR

      You know, in your book, Big Trust, you cover 10 different ways that you can start to build self-acceptance. Can you just give us a handful of them?

    2. SZ

      Absolutely. I'll share some of the simplest ones that are really, really tangible for people. So what we see with anyone who struggles with acceptance is they will over-apologize.

    3. MR

      Mm.

    4. SZ

      "Sorry I'm talking too much. Sorry I'm so emotional." The simplest thing you can do here, rather than apologizing, which highlights an inadequacy and makes you feel less-

    5. MR

      Yeah

    6. SZ

      ... is to shift into appreciation. So instead of, "Sorry I'm talking too much," you would say, "Thank you so much for listening." Instead of, "Sorry I'm being really emotional right now," "Thank you for bearing with me. I'm passionate about this."

    7. MR

      Ah.

    8. SZ

      And this is the power of the words that we use when we're engaging with people, because it not only shapes how we feel, suddenly we're not apologizing for existing, we're actually acknowledging the other person, so we feel better, but it makes the other person feel better, too.

    9. MR

      I needed you yesterday.

    10. SZ

      [laughs]

    11. MR

      As I was crying over something-

    12. SZ

      Oh

    13. MR

      ... and then apologizing to everybody for being emotional about something that was stupid.

    14. SZ

      But it's 'cause you care.

    15. MR

      And then saying to everybody, "And you're probably judging me, that I shouldn't be stu-" So now I'm making them wrong.

    16. SZ

      [laughs]

    17. MR

      When I c- and it made me feel worse, and it made everybody feel uncomfortable, and it would've been way better to just say, "Thank you for bearing with me. This is just a lot, and I really appreciate your patience and your kindness on this." I need a, I... As soon as this interview's over, I am making a phone call and saying that to somebody.

    18. SZ

      [laughs]

    19. MR

      Because, uh, it, it, I didn't use that, and it's very powerful shift.

    20. SZ

      Very.

    21. MR

      Because I can see how stomping on myself and not accepting my emotions, and then inadvertently stomping on everybody sitting there trying to comfort me. Wow. Okay. What's another one?

    22. SZ

      Simple, powerful. Okay, the next one is, if you struggle with acceptance, you also tend to say yes before you've even-

    23. MR

      Oh, yeah

    24. SZ

      ... processed what you [laughs] ... Is this resonating with you, Mel?

    25. MR

      Yes.

    26. SZ

      It's-

    27. MR

      I didn't think I struggled with self-acceptance, though, but I guess I do.

    28. SZ

      Well, interestingly, a lot of really high achievers who have done incredible things in their life struggle with self-acceptance.

    29. MR

      Huh.

    30. SZ

      And it's one of the things that keeps them pushing, but it's also one of the things that really tethers them and is weighty.

  6. 34:33 – 43:13

    How To Build Confidence With A High Agency Mindset

    1. MR

      and more at applecard.com. So let's move on to the second A in the 4-part framework of rewiring self-doubt and building more confidence, and that is agency. What is agency?

    2. SZ

      So in the context of self-doubt, agency is that attribute that allows you to trust that you can do the thing, and if you don't know how to do it, you will learn how to do it. And so if you trust that you can do that, you're going to take the step. You're going to say yes. You're going to persist when things don't go well because deep down you believe that you can. Now, when this is weak-

    3. MR

      Yes

    4. SZ

      ... let's explore what this looks like. So if this is weak, if you struggle with your agency, we see a number of patterns here. The first one is the dreaded imposter syndrome, where you have achieved things in your life, amazing things, maybe recognition, maybe awards, maybe a, an amazing job title, and yet you feel like you don't deserve it.

    5. MR

      Mm.

    6. SZ

      You feel like someone is going to highlight that you shouldn't be where you are. And so essentially what it comes down to is that you believe other people think you're smarter or more competent than you really are. Now, a few things about imposter syndrome. The term imposter syndrome was not the term that was used initially when it was discovered. Back in the '70s, '80s, when it was first observed, they called it the imposter phenomenon. Now, what's the difference between a phenomenon? So a phenomenon is basically where you observe something in a population of people, right? A syndrome is something that seems medical and seems pathological and seems like something is wrong with us.

    7. MR

      Yeah, a phenomenon seems like something that can appear occasionally.

    8. SZ

      Yeah.

    9. MR

      Syndrome feels like a life sentence.

    10. SZ

      Well said.

    11. MR

      Okay.

    12. SZ

      And so we need to think, when we feel like an imposter, it's actually far more common-... than you'd expect.

    13. MR

      Okay.

    14. SZ

      In fact, some studies have found up to 82% of people have felt like an imposter at some point.

    15. MR

      Wow.

    16. SZ

      And the beautiful thing about feeling like an imposter is it is a sign that you are growing. You are stepping out of your comfort zone. 'Cause anyone who has ever done anything new will be in a position where they haven't had all the skills or they don't know all the answers, and it's very easy for them to then feel like, "I don't deserve to be here."

    17. MR

      Sure.

    18. SZ

      But you have to honor the fact that you bring a track record with you, and maybe we'll talk about a few tools to help with this a bit later.

    19. MR

      Yes.

    20. SZ

      So that's the first one. The second one we see a lot of here with anyone who struggles with agency is social comparison.

    21. MR

      Oh.

    22. SZ

      They're comparing themselves to other people, not in a positive way, but in a, "You are so far ahead of me and I'm inadequate. I could never do that." And we see this a lot when people, again, are leveling up in their lives, moving up in their careers, achieving more things in their business. Suddenly, as soon as you take that step to the next level, you're now comparing yourself with people at that level, which naturally means that there's more for you to develop and do and, and grow because they've been there longer than you. Maybe they are better at certain things. But if you start fixating on that and feeling like, "I could never do what they do," you undermine your agency. So that's the second one. I mean, comparison is natural, but we need to get better at making sure it's not filling us with self-doubt.

    23. MR

      Yep.

    24. SZ

      And then the third area here is where people are just constantly waiting to feel ready, to feel prepared. So they procrastinate by busying themselves with planning and reading and preparing, and they say, "I just wanna learn a little bit more." But we know that the more you learn about something, the more you realize how little you know about that thing, and the more doubt you have-

    25. MR

      Hmm

    26. SZ

      ... and the less likely you are to take the step.

    27. MR

      I think this is so fascinating. I just wanna reflect back two things to you. So if you're somebody that struggles with agency when it comes to self-doubt, you may feel imposter syndrome, you may struggle a lot with comparison, and you may also be a big planner. And one of the things that struck me that I've never thought about before is that when you identify and get very clear about a goal that you have, whether it's getting in better shape, or it's dressing in a more style-able way, or it is earning more money, or it is changing your career and getting into real estate or learning how to make money online, simply identifying a new goal or a change means that you have a gap of having to become more capable in that area. You've never done this before. And so what are the tools other than saying, "I can figure this out," or saying, "Hey, comparing myself is part of this. Like, it means that I want this." Like, how do you deal with imposter syndrome in particular?

    28. SZ

      So the very first step, let's look at the feeling that you are fraudulent, that you don't deserve to be where you are.

    29. MR

      Okay.

    30. SZ

      What you wanna think about is, okay, this is actually super common. This just means I'm stretching and growing, so how do I give myself time? And a very simple reframe, because we know how powerful it is when we're changing the language that is going on in our heads, is instead of, "I don't feel like I deserve this," or, "I don't feel like I belong," immediately shift to, "What an incredible opportunity I have to learn and grow."

  7. 43:13 – 45:49

    What Happens When You Embrace Autonomy?

    1. MR

      apply. The third A in this framework around self-doubt and building confidence is autonomy. What does autonomy mean, Dr. Shadé?

    2. SZ

      So in the context of self-doubt, autonomy is the belief that you have a degree of control over your life.

    3. MR

      Hmm.

    4. SZ

      You feel personally powerful. Now, that doesn't mean you can control absolutely everything, because not everything can be controlled, but you focus on what you can, and because of that, you feel like you have more control. Now, if you don't have a strong degree of autonomy, we see a number of common patterns here, and if you're paying attention, if you're listening to this, you will probably be able to identify at least someone in your life who is struggling here. We are less able to identify in ourselves, because part of low autonomy is not taking ownership.

    5. MR

      Hmm.

    6. SZ

      So okay, let's look at these patterns. The first one is if you struggle with autonomy, you complain a lot. You complain about everything wrong in your life because it's easier to complain than to do something about it, because to do something about it requires you to take ownership, and that is what low autonomy doesn't allow you to do. So you complain. Now, people don't realize when they complain about things, they are reliving the situation in vivid detail in their brain, which is creating deeper, more efficient neural pathways, which makes complaining your default. You basically become a negativity magnet, 'cause you notice more of the things to complain about. So we get complaining is the first pattern. The second one is blame. People are blaming others, the situation, the traffic, the weather, my husband, my wife, my boyfriend, my team. There's no personal accountability, and they will share that with everybody else. The third one is resentment, where again, they are resentful to other people because they feel like everyone else has an easier life than they do, and that also leads them to play into this victim mindset.

    7. MR

      Hmm.

    8. SZ

      Why me?

    9. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    10. SZ

      Life is so difficult for me.

    11. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    12. SZ

      And the fourth is, okay, so you know those people that come to you and they share with you their objectively difficult life stories? And the first time they share it with you, you are so filled with empathy and compassion for what they've been through, and then by the time they've shared it with you the 20th or 30th time-

    13. MR

      [laughs]

    14. SZ

      ... you realize they are keeping themselves stuck by ruminating on it.

    15. MR

      Yes.

    16. SZ

      And because it's safer for them, they feel safer when they can hold onto a wound because it reinforces this view of, "I am a victim. I am powerless. Look at how terrible my life has been." And they get sympathy from that, so it's socially rewarding. So this is what we see. So then the next question is, well, what do we do?

    17. MR

      Yes.

    18. SZ

      If-

    19. MR

      Yes. What do we do? And I wanna take them one at a time-

    20. SZ

      Yeah

    21. MR

      ... 'cause so many people struggle with

  8. 45:49 – 48:48

    How Do I Stop Overthinking Everything?

    1. MR

      each one of these. So Dr. Shadé, what do you do if you are constantly overthinking everything?

    2. SZ

      So if you're constantly overthinking everything, overthinking is a sign that you do not feel like you have control, and it's your brain's attempt to try and manufacture certainty when there is none. Your brain says to itself, 'cause the brain likes to be really efficient. It wants to save energy, and so it's fundamentally lazy. And so there's this part of it that goes, "If I can anticipate everything that could go wrong, then I have to expend less energy when the consequence eventually happens."

    3. MR

      Hmm.

    4. SZ

      And this is why we get stuck in those loops of everything that could be out of our control. It's also what reinforces low acceptance, because we start overthinking, "Do they like me? What did that mean? How come they haven't replied to me?" Or agency, "What if people find out I can't do this? What if I mess up there?" So it's all a reflection of low autonomy. So when we're overthinking, something that is terrible advice is to tell yourself, "Just stop worrying. Stop overthinking." And yet you might have someone in your life that says this to you, "Just stop worrying." Bad advice. What we know is much more effective is to give your overthinking an outlet. What does that mean? Every time you have a distracting thought that pops up during the day, a worry, you're ruminating on something, grab a notebook and a pen and actually write it down. And then you say to yourself, "I'm not gonna worry about you now. I will worry about you during worry zone."

    5. MR

      Okay.

    6. SZ

      Okay. So you're parking it somewhere.

    7. MR

      Got it.

    8. SZ

      Then at the end of the day, you want to actually schedule in your calendar about 10 minutes of worry time, not too close to bed, 'cause it might keep you up. So a good time is, you know, around 5:00, 4:00, 5:00, whenever works. You schedule it in your calendar. When that time comes, you set an alarm for 10 or 15 minutes. You bring out your worry list, and you allow yourself to worry. Now, this does a few things. It's called stimulus control for worry, and research has found this is an incredibly effective technique-

    9. MR

      It is?

    10. SZ

      To re- It is.

    11. MR

      'Cause I'll be honest, it sounds dumb.

    12. SZ

      It sounds completely dumb.

    13. MR

      [laughs] It sounds like, what?

    14. SZ

      It sounds completely counterintuitive.

    15. MR

      Yes.

    16. SZ

      But what happens is when you're not worrying about something in the moment, the emotions attached to it when it initially came up-

    17. MR

      Hmm

    18. SZ

      ... are no longer there. And when you're not worrying about it in the moment, when it comes up in the moment, it's driven largely by default areas in the brain, by, with, you know, there's greater activation in the threat detection centers-

    19. MR

      Hmm

    20. SZ

      ... in the fear centers of the brain. And so naturally, we don't have access to the front regions, which allows us to process that rationally. But when you review it later, you suddenly, well, it shrinks the fear to size, and the research tells us that you can so better manage your emotional state and actually assess, "Okay, well, are any of these actually going to happen? And do I have control over any of these things?" Now, the next step is once your alarm goes off, you actually close it, and you, that's it. Like, you're done with your worries. End of the week, you reflect. What could I control? What couldn't I control? And if there's something I can control, what am I going to do about it? It's a really effective way to deal with that overthinking.

  9. 48:48 – 51:18

    How and Why You Should Stop Complaining

    1. MR

      Dr. Shadé, what do you wanna say to somebody who's a chronic complainer?

    2. SZ

      You don't realize how you're keeping yourself stuck when you complain about the things you have no control over. It's cathartic. It feels good in the moment. It's rewarding, but it's actually keeping you stuck. The moment you find yourself complaining, the first step is to become aware of it, which is sometimes the hard part. The next step is to ask yourself, "Okay, well, I essentially have a few options here. I can accept the situation as it is, I can change the situation, I can leave the situation, or I can change how I see the situation."

    3. MR

      Hmm.

    4. SZ

      They're the only four options I have. So you pick one, and then acknowledge that, "If I keep complaining about this, I'm only going to feel worse."

    5. MR

      Yes.

    6. SZ

      "It is not going to help me." So what is fantastic for anyone who tends to complain a lot, you will also hear language of should. "Oh, I should've done that. I should do this." Mel, how do you feel if I were to say to you, "Oh, you should so-and-so"? What would you... How would you respond to the word of should, or you should do that?

    7. MR

      I would feel like I've done something wrong.

    8. SZ

      And you might feel a bit resistant-

    9. MR

      I did

    10. SZ

      ... or you might feel a bit defensive.

    11. MR

      Immediately when you said, "Mel, you should," I was like-

    12. SZ

      You should

    13. MR

      ... "Now what did I do?"

    14. SZ

      It's because we experience something called reactance, which is this deep internal feeling of resistance. Don't tell me what to do.

    15. MR

      Yep.

    16. SZ

      We want to feel like we're in control.

    17. MR

      Uh-huh.

    18. SZ

      When we're saying should to ourselves, when we struggle with autonomy, it makes us feel terrible.

    19. MR

      Hmm.

    20. SZ

      Now, research also shows that the language of should cuts off divergent thinking. We don't think as clearly. We don't think of solutions. We don't think of options. There is one swap. Move from should to could. Okay, what could I do right now?

    21. MR

      Hmm.

    22. SZ

      You're not committing to anything. It's really low stakes, and again, I encourage people to grab a sheet of paper, divide it into two. On the left, you write down your could list, all the things that you could do in the moment. Then you move into your I will list. Pick one, two, or three things that you've identified, and actually do them. Actually take the step. This is how you increase your autonomy. You bring your locus of control back inwards.

    23. MR

      Yeah.

    24. SZ

      And it's so incredibly simple, and it gets you out of the complaining spiral because sometimes all you need in that moment is to feel powerful and to do something.

    25. MR

      I love that. You can catch yourself by saying, "Oh, there I go saying I shoulda done this, making myself wrong, increasing self-doubt." Reframe it to I could, and then identify something that you will do. I love that because it's so simple.

    26. SZ

      So simple.

    27. MR

      So

  10. 51:18 – 54:28

    Why You Should Stop Blaming Others

    1. MR

      simple. What if you're somebody that blames? The world isn't fair. My boss is a jerk. It's my ex that's ruining my life. And you may have a lot of things going on, but talk to us about blame and self-doubt.

    2. SZ

      Blame is attributing responsibility to everybody else, and we hear a lot of always and never from people who are blaming. You always do that. This never works out for me. It's always them. It's never that.

    3. MR

      This is something I struggle with. I have very-

    4. SZ

      Interesting

    5. MR

      ... like black and white language, and it's something that I'm working on a lot because I tend to be, like, very precise. Like, it's always, or it's never, or it's this, not with people, but a lot when-

    6. SZ

      With yourself

    7. MR

      ... things are happening with work or with myself, and so this is an area where I will admit, uh, it's not blaming other people. It's in the way that I talk probably has a lot of weight and blame to it.

    8. SZ

      Ooh. So what's actually really interesting, and I was gonna say this about you, I think that your doubt profile from what you've shared with me-

    9. MR

      Yep

    10. SZ

      ... acceptance is your weak one.

    11. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    12. SZ

      Autonomy is your absolute strength.

    13. MR

      Yes.

    14. SZ

      Sometimes what happens when autonomy is so high and people take so much responsibility for things, they actually end up personalizing things that are not theirs to take.

    15. MR

      Well, as the CEO of the company, I think everything's my responsibility.

    16. SZ

      Yeah. Perfect example of that.

    17. MR

      Yes, I do.

    18. SZ

      And so you get into always and never because it's your way of holding yourself accountable, but sometimes it's not actually helpful in terms of how you feel and what you do.

    19. MR

      Yes, and I think parents do this, too, that we think everything is our fault and take it on the chin like that. So let's talk about blame and how you deal with that if you're somebody that's recognizing it in yourself or you're thinking of somebody that's a big blamer and you're about to send this conversation to them.

    20. SZ

      So the first thing to think is, okay, let's change the language, the intensity of the language that we're using.

    21. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    22. SZ

      So instead of this always happens to me, let's bring that fact-checker back in, right? Is that factual? Does that always happen to you? Usually, the response will be, "Well, no, it's not always. It's, it's maybe some of the time, maybe often, but it's not always." Okay. What's a more realistic way of looking at that?

    23. MR

      Right.

    24. SZ

      Okay. Well, instead of, "You always cut me off when we're speaking," you would say to yourself, "I've noticed that there are times when I do get cut off when I'm speaking." Then you shift responsibility to you. How can I speak differently to this person to reduce that happening? How can I change what I'm saying or how I'm saying it or when I'm saying it to reduce the chances that they're gonna be interrupting me? That's your first thing, so you take full ownership. The second stage is, okay, have I made this person aware of something that they're doing? You could go to the person and say, "Look, I've noticed when we speak, you either get really excited or you're not aware of it, but you do cut me off a lot."

    25. MR

      Hmm.

    26. SZ

      "And I would like to be part of a conversation and a relationship or a friendship where both of us feel valued in what we say. Were you aware of that?" A lot of the time, people are not even aware of it 'cause they're so stuck in their worlds. So there are just a few little tools that you can use. If you're blaming, try and bring it back to you. Instead of, "Ugh, he never takes the trash out," okay, is there something I could be doing to remind him to take the trash out or put it in a different place so he takes the trash out? Just bring it back to you. Again, that boosts your autonomy.

  11. 54:28 – 58:52

    How To Look Confident

    1. MR

      So the last of the four A's is adaptability, the ability to kinda go up and down with the curveballs of life. Why is this important for rewiring self-doubt and building self-confidence?

    2. SZ

      Because adaptability is actually so much more than what we think it is, which is just adapting to life.

    3. MR

      Yep.

    4. SZ

      In the context of doubt, it's adapting to the emotions-... that come with life.

    5. MR

      Okay.

    6. SZ

      Because emotions are generally experienced when we do something and it doesn't work out. I mean, look, emotions are experienced all the time, but when it comes to self-doubt, there's something that we will have done or we'll be thinking of doing, and then it doesn't work out, and there's an emotion attached. The disappointment, the, that feeling of, "I'm a failure, I'm not enough," these have emotional profiles attached to them. And so when we're deciding whether to do anything, to take the step, to say yes, to ask them out, we're going through this checklist of, "Can I deal with the emotions of this thing if it doesn't work out?"

    7. MR

      Hmm.

    8. SZ

      Because our brain is going through that process of all the ways that it won't work out, and if we don't believe that we can handle whatever emotion comes, we will not take the step. And that's why getting better at handling and harnessing the emotions that come makes everything in life so much easier.

    9. MR

      Well, that makes perfect sense, 'cause if you don't feel like you can handle the emotions of going in and asking for a raise, or having the hard conversation, or putting yourself in a situation where you're gonna try something that makes you feel anxious or nervous, then you're not gonna do it and your self-doubt is gonna increase, and you're gonna be stuck in this gap between what you know you want or what you know deeply you're capable of, but you keep blocking your own momentum in life. And so that makes perfect sense. Is there one thing that if somebody recognizes that they are stuck in this aspect, that they should do today?

    10. SZ

      I'm gonna share a super simple strategy here. It's called the opposite action strategy. It's so easy. When we are overcome with some kind of a negative emotion in relation to a self-doubt that we have, what usually happens to our body?

    11. MR

      We freeze. We, like, kind of go into, like, a nervous reaction.

    12. SZ

      And what usually happens to shoulders or neck or posture?

    13. MR

      Oh, we kind of shrink and, like, feel... Like, we wanna hide.

    14. SZ

      We wanna hide.

    15. MR

      Honestly, yes.

    16. SZ

      Exactly. And so what the opposite action strategy tells us is from dialectical behavior therapy. It simply says, when there's no physical threat-

    17. MR

      Yep

    18. SZ

      ... do the opposite of what your body's telling you to do. Do the opposite of what your body's telling you to do. So if y-

    19. MR

      So in a situation where you feel that tension 'cause you want to have the conversation, you want to do the thing, but now you're blocking your own momentum, do the opposite of what your body's telling you to do. So what do you do?

    20. SZ

      So instead of withdrawing-

    21. MR

      Yes

    22. SZ

      ... sit at the end of your seat, engage, look at the person, bring your shoulders back. I'm gonna share again another really interesting tool that comes from the world of research. It was just published recently. Mel and everyone listening and watching, can you put your hand at the back of your neck?

    23. MR

      Okay.

    24. SZ

      You're going to feel a joint.

    25. MR

      Yes.

    26. SZ

      Okay.

    27. MR

      It's like a bony thing, right?

    28. SZ

      It's like a bony thing.

    29. MR

      Okay. This is-

    30. SZ

      Give it a little massage.

  12. 58:52 – 1:04:45

    How To Sound Confident

    1. MR

      that. Dr. Shadé, what does research say about your voice and clarity and how other people perceive you based on how you speak?

    2. SZ

      Okay, so research in speech communication looks at the various tones that we have, and what we've identified is there's generally two overarching ones. One of them is very much a throat voice, which happens when we're not really breathing very deeply, and our voice entirely comes from our throat. It's very shallow. You see how it sounds friendly, it sounds warm, but maybe there's not a lot of credibility to it.

    3. MR

      Let me try that. I'm now trying to talk through my throat, and it's, like, a different voice that you hear.

    4. SZ

      Completely different.

    5. MR

      Wow.

    6. SZ

      And that changes how you're perceived. Now, the other type of voice-

    7. MR

      It feels different, too

    8. SZ

      ... it feels really different. This is what a lot of people do when they're nervous, because their bodies tense up, so they're not able to get the oxygen in to fill up their lungs. And when you don't have a lot of breath because you're trying to retain it, that's when you get that higher sound. The other one is a more breathy voice, where you're breathing into your diaphragm, which is much easier to do when you're not stressed and you're not feeling insecure.

    9. MR

      Hmm.

    10. SZ

      And so you've got breathy voice, which is generally higher pitch, which a lot of women unfortunately do when they're nervous or in loud spaces, because they feel like they can be heard better-

    11. MR

      Hmm

    12. SZ

      ... which is very interesting. But what we know is that this deeper diaphragmatic voice, which comes with breath, it comes with gravitas, this leads to perceptions of greater credibility.

    13. MR

      Hmm.

    14. SZ

      You come across as if you're more credible. You come across as if you're more confident. You come across as if you're more grounded. And so a really simple tool for everyone, or something to practice, is to actually hear the difference in those voices. In one of them, just speak with a little bit of breath. Don't allow a lot to come out. It's not super breathy. Allow a lot of vocal fluctuation. And then the other one, which is going to be from the diaphragm, hear the difference. Now, if you're in an interview, if you're in a high-stakes environment, try and really breathe into, we call it breathing into the stomach. You're not actually breathing into the stomach, but when you take a deep breath into your lungs, your diaphragm drops down, so you feel your belly coming out. And when you breathe through that, breathe through that voice-It h- does wonders for how you're perceived

    15. MR

      How can I train myself to speak more eloquently?

    16. SZ

      Oh. Well, I came prepared. Mel, here is a pen.

    17. MR

      Okay.

    18. SZ

      What you're going to do is grab this pen and put it between your teeth like this.

    19. MR

      Okay.

    20. SZ

      So for everyone watching and listening, we're basically holding the pen between our teeth, a bit like a dog would hold a bone.

    21. MR

      Okay, great. That's exactly what it looks like.

    22. SZ

      It does.

    23. MR

      So Dr. Shadé has put it in between her teeth like a bone, and, you know, or a stick. Here we go. Okay.

    24. SZ

      Okay. Now, with, with the pen in your mouth... So everyone, make sure you clean your pen before you do this. I highly encourage that. You're going to grab a book.

    25. MR

      Okay.

    26. SZ

      And you're going to read any sentence or paragraph from that book, and you wanna pay attention to pronouncing every single sound clearly. Mel, would you like to do us the honors?

    27. MR

      I would.

    28. SZ

      Great.

    29. MR

      Okay.

    30. SZ

      [laughs]

  13. 1:04:45 – 1:12:19

    Finding The Balance Between Courage And Humanness

    1. MR

      Um, Dr. Shadé, can you explain to me and to the person that's here listening or watching, what's courage versus humanness scale? What is that?

    2. SZ

      So this is a scale that we will share with leaders and teams that we work with at the Fortune 100 companies that we're so blessed to support. Basically, when we look at teams, especially high-performing teams, we find that there are two general qualities that come up. The first one is the humanness qualities.

    3. MR

      Hmm.

    4. SZ

      What do you think some of these are?

    5. MR

      Warmth.

    6. SZ

      Yes.

    7. MR

      Um, care.

    8. SZ

      Yeah.

    9. MR

      Positivity. Um, uh, confidence.

    10. SZ

      Yeah.

    11. MR

      Humor.

    12. SZ

      Exactly. All the-

    13. MR

      Uh, collaboration

    14. SZ

      ... ex- empathy.

    15. MR

      Empathy.

    16. SZ

      Compassion.

    17. MR

      Yes.

    18. SZ

      All of these qualities that make us human-

    19. MR

      Yes

    20. SZ

      ... and allow us to come to work in a place that we enjoy.

    21. MR

      Yes.

    22. SZ

      Then we also have the performance-based qualities. We call them courage-based skills.

    23. MR

      Okay.

    24. SZ

      What are some of these? What would a team need in order to make sure they're actually performing?

    25. MR

      Leadership, uh, decision-making, uh, uh, clarity, uh, feedback, uh, v- very, like, definition of goals, process. Uh, am I getting it?

    26. SZ

      Absolutely.

    27. MR

      Okay. Okay, gotcha.

    28. SZ

      So-

    29. MR

      Expectations, ROI.

    30. SZ

      All-

  14. 1:12:19 – 1:17:58

    Dr. Shadé Zahrai Wants You To Lower Your Standards

    1. MR

      Yes. Dr. Shadé, if the person listening takes just one action out of everything you've taught us today about the research around breaking self-doubt, rebuilding trust, what's the most important thing for the person listening to do?

    2. SZ

      This is something that you encourage people to do, Mel, which is pick one thing that you have been hesitating from doing, one thing that you've been holding back on because self-doubt is getting in your way. Break it down into the smallest possible step and just do the thing. Can I share a very quick story here?

    3. MR

      Please.

    4. SZ

      So this is a story about Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat Pray Love, which became a movie and a global bestseller. Now, when she was writing it, it's her memoir. You'd think a memoir would be kind of easy to write. It's your story. But she said that she couldn't get words on paper because she had this mantra of, "This sucks"-

    5. MR

      Mm

    6. SZ

      ... running through her head constantly. Nothing was ever good enough. She would write. She would rip it up. She would write. She would delete.And then amidst all of that uncertainty and the self-criticism, she had this moment of clarity and she thought, "Hold on. I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly. I just promised the universe that I would write. I would write something." And so with that, she made write the goal and not write brilliantly the goal.

    7. MR

      Mm.

    8. SZ

      And so the message behind this is sometimes we need to lower our standards. We need to lower our standards. Don't aim for perfection, just aim for good enough for now. You can always improve later. So don't aim for going viral on social media. Aim for hitting post. Don't aim for building a billion-dollar business. Aim for setting up a website or getting one paying customer. Don't aim to find your soulmate. Just aim to ask them out for a coffee. When you lower the standard, you make it so much more achievable, and when you achieve it, then you see yourself being the kind of person who achieves these things-

    9. MR

      Mm

    10. SZ

      ... which fundamentally changes your self-image, changes how you see yourself and what is possible for you, and then that starts to change the rest of your life.

    11. MR

      I love that. Dr. Shadé, what are your parting words?

    12. SZ

      Show up for the life that you want now. Don't wait for it. Don't wait for permission. Don't wait till you feel ready. Don't f- wait till you feel worthy. If you show up for the person that you want to be now, there's this beautiful phenomena called embodied cognition.

    13. MR

      Hmm.

    14. SZ

      And when you show up for it, the world starts responding to you as if you already have it. You see yourself speaking in the meeting, going after what you want, creating your own momentum, and that is how you fundamentally shape your self-image, which shapes your identity, which shapes who you're becoming. So don't wait, just show up today, and it is remarkable what you will be able to achieve.

    15. MR

      Dr. Shadé, I just wanna say on behalf of the person listening and everyone that they will share this with, thank you. Because it's one thing to say that. It's a whole different ballgame when you show up with frameworks and tools and very specific things that you can do in order to understand the nature of how self-doubt is blocking you and exactly what is within your reach to push through it and continue moving toward the goals that you have, building the confidence that you know is within you, and seeing yourself doing the things that you had otherwise held your back- yourself back from experiencing.

    16. SZ

      Thank you so much for having me. And for everyone watching and listening, thank you for being here. Thank you for investing in yourself, and I'm excited to see where you end up when you apply some of what you've learned today.

    17. MR

      I am so excited, too. I'm so excited that you decided to spend time listening to this or watching this. Today, you got tools, you got frameworks, you got the research broken down in the simplest ways you can start applying it today. I cannot wait to see how this changes your life, so make sure you tell me what happens. And one more thing, in case no one else tells you today, as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. There is zero doubt in my mind that when you use the tools to rewire self-doubt, those moments that are gonna keep coming, and you double down on your capacity and the things that are in your control and the talents that you have inside you to push through what's happening and learn and grow, your life is gonna get better. I mean, how could it not? All righty, I will see you in the very next episode. I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play. And thank you. Thank you for watching all the way to the end. I'm so excited that you're investing your time in learning how to create unshakeable confidence, and I also wanna thank you for sharing the link to this episode with people in your life that you care about, whether it's your sister or your partner, somebody in your life that keeps shrinking and blocking their own way. One way to be a great friend or a sibling or a great partner is to share these resources with people. And so I just really appreciate you doing that. And one more thing. My team was just showing me that 57% of you who watch The Mel Robbins Podcast here on YouTube are not subscribers. My goal is to get that number to 50%, so could you do me a favor? If the subscribe button is lit up, would you just hit it? It's free, and it's the best way for you to say, "Thanks, Mel." And thanks to the team here at The Mel Robbins Podcast, and thanks to Dr. Shadé, who flew halfway around the world to be here in Boston to teach you this. I really appreciate you doing that, and I know that you would appreciate me recommending the next video. This you're gonna love, and I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play. [outro music]

Episode duration: 1:17:59

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