If You Struggle With Anxiety, You Need To Hear This | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 2:03

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      Welcome to-

   2. OROakley Robbins0:06

      ... the Mel Robbins Podcast.

   3. MRMel Robbins0:07

      That is Oakley Robbins.

   4. OROakley Robbins0:08

      Hey, guys.

   5. MRMel Robbins0:09

      I wanted to talk to you because you came into the kitchen tonight and you were like, "Oh my God, I just had the best therapy session." And I thought, "How many 17-year-old guys walk into the kitchen and announce to their family that?"

   6. OROakley Robbins0:23

      I don't know.

   7. MRMel Robbins0:24

      (laughs)

   8. OROakley Robbins0:25

      I do not know.

   9. MRMel Robbins0:26

      Would you be willing to unpack it with me?

   10. OROakley Robbins0:28

       Yeah. This is probably gonna (laughs) terrify you.

   11. MRMel Robbins0:30

       Okay.

   12. OROakley Robbins0:30

       I don't know if you've heard this story.

   13. MRMel Robbins0:32

       I don't know. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to-

   14. OROakley Robbins0:39

       ... the Mel Robbins Podcast.

   15. MRMel Robbins0:40

       That is Oakley Robbins.

   16. OROakley Robbins0:42

       Hey, guys.

   17. MRMel Robbins0:43

       Oh my God. Oh. I'm so excited you're here.

   18. OROakley Robbins0:46

       Me too.

   19. MRMel Robbins0:47

       Uh-

   20. OROakley Robbins0:47

       It's been a long time.

   21. MRMel Robbins0:48

       It has, and we get a lot of, um, (laughs) questions, comments, requests for you. So, I am so happy that you wanted to sit down, Oak. For those of you who are new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, welcome. My name is Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the world's most respected experts on motivation and change. And this is my son. This is our son.

   22. OROakley Robbins1:15

       I am not a New York Times best-seller, but, I don't know-

   23. MRMel Robbins1:19

       Yeah.

   24. OROakley Robbins1:19

       ... I'm the son of a New York Times best-seller. (laughs)

   25. MRMel Robbins1:21

       (laughs) There you go. Uh, so, our son Oakley has been on the podcast twice, uh, three times.

   26. OROakley Robbins1:28

       Three times.

   27. MRMel Robbins1:28

       You introduced me-

   28. OROakley Robbins1:29

       Although-

   29. MRMel Robbins1:29

       ... on the opening show.

   30. OROakley Robbins1:30

       ... yeah, I introduced you. I was in our solo one, and then on the family one.
2. 2:03 – 2:45

   Is your teen resistant to therapy? Here’s what Oakley had to say about it.

   1. MRMel Robbins2:03

   2. OROakley Robbins2:03

      I would like to talk to your audience about therapy.

   3. MRMel Robbins2:04

      Okay, do it.

   4. OROakley Robbins2:06

      Guys, (laughs) therapy is like... It's awesome. I love my therapist. I love therapy. When I was younger, I had a horrible experience with therapy. It was with this, like, old woman-

   5. MRMel Robbins2:18

      (laughs)

   6. OROakley Robbins2:18

      ... who, like, tried to convince me how to use an elevator, because that's what I was afraid of.

   7. MRMel Robbins2:22

      (laughs)

   8. OROakley Robbins2:22

      I was afraid of elevators. She was like, "You need to ride the elevator." And I was like, "I don't want to." Um, and so I hated therapy. I hated it. And then, um, I got a new therapist last year, and it, like, changed my life.

   9. MRMel Robbins2:38

      How?

   10. OROakley Robbins2:39

       Because I just love having... It's almost like... Therapy is almost

3. 2:45 – 3:33

   The way Oakley thinks about journaling is pretty profound.

   1. OROakley Robbins2:45

      like having a notebook, but you don't have to write, and you don't... And you actually get an answer back.

   2. MRMel Robbins2:51

      Hmm.

   3. OROakley Robbins2:52

      So you don't have to, like, take the time, and your hand hurts, and all that stuff to, like, write down your thoughts. You just say it, and then they say something back to you. It doesn't have to help, but it's just nice to hear someone say something that isn't part of your friend group or a family member. They're just someone that's there to listen and maybe that's all they need to do. Um, and I d- I love therapy, and I would fully recommend therapy to anyone, because no, it's not, like, some bad thing, and if you have a therapist you're super messed up in the head and, like, everything in your life is going to shit. Like, no. Therapy rocks. You can have it when you're perfectly fine and happy. I, I think everyone should have a therapist, because it's just the best.

   4. MRMel Robbins3:32

      I

4. 3:33 – 8:30

   My son schooled me on therapy and why I should have done it for myself sooner.

   1. MRMel Robbins3:33

      agree with you. And the thing that I realize now is had I gone and worked with a therapist, Oak, when things were going okay-

   2. OROakley Robbins3:45

      They probably wouldn't have gone back. (laughs)

   3. MRMel Robbins3:47

      (laughs)

   4. OROakley Robbins3:48

      Yeah.

   5. MRMel Robbins3:49

      Totally.

   6. OROakley Robbins3:49

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins3:49

      Totally. (laughs)

   8. OROakley Robbins3:50

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins3:50

      Yeah.

   10. OROakley Robbins3:51

       'Cause I hate to burst your bubble, but-

   11. MRMel Robbins3:52

       (laughs)

   12. OROakley Robbins3:53

       ... you are not going to be able to solve all your problems, and your friends with a similar age as you and a similar mindset-

   13. MRMel Robbins3:59

       (laughs)

   14. OROakley Robbins3:59

       ... will not be able to solve the same problems that you have.

   15. MRMel Robbins4:03

       Oh my God. Well, I want... I'm so happy and appreciative that you were like, "Yeah, I'll, I'll sit down on the mics with your mom and tell you why this therapy session with Keith was so awesome."

   16. OROakley Robbins4:14

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins4:15

       So, thank you.

   18. OROakley Robbins4:15

       Of course.

   19. MRMel Robbins4:16

       Why did you want to do it?

   20. OROakley Robbins4:18

       Because I felt like I was in a good mood. And I was like, "You know what? Like, I haven't done it in a while."

   21. MRMel Robbins4:22

       (laughs)

   22. OROakley Robbins4:22

       "Like, might as well just jump in there and be nice."

   23. MRMel Robbins4:26

       Why do you think I wanted you to sit down with me and let everybody hear you tell me in real time what you talked to your therapist about tonight?

   24. OROakley Robbins4:37

       Because what you would probably say to me if I said no was, "It would benefit a lot of people, including you."

   25. MRMel Robbins4:45

       Yeah. It will. Because I hear every single day from parents around the world about how their kids, and their sons in particular, don't talk to them. And so it's a real, I think, gift to have you be willing to just sit down and have these conversations. Because it gives parents and people with teenagers, and college students, and young adults in their lives... They actually forward these episodes, Oak, as a way to open up dialogue.

   26. OROakley Robbins5:18

       Hmm.

   27. MRMel Robbins5:18

       And it's working. That's why people are asking so often and so frequently that we have you come back and back and back. So, thank you.

   28. OROakley Robbins5:28

       Glad I can help.

   29. MRMel Robbins5:29

       All right. Well, let's see if this helps or not.

   30. OROakley Robbins5:31

       Let's do it.
5. 8:30 – 9:31

   Oakley explains something he was feeling that I had no idea about.

   1. MRMel Robbins8:30

      having anxiety.

   2. OROakley Robbins8:30

      'Cause I never told you about it.

   3. MRMel Robbins8:31

      Why?

   4. OROakley Robbins8:33

      Because I didn't wanna make it a huge thing, and I didn't wanna go to therapy, and I didn't wanna, like, get into that. I didn't wanna get into that.

   5. MRMel Robbins8:39

      Wait.

   6. OROakley Robbins8:39

      I was like, "I can do this. I can s- I can solve this. I can get over this." Like, "We're good." And we were good, freshman year.

   7. MRMel Robbins8:46

      Wait, hold on a second, though. Stop the th- stop the train.

   8. OROakley Robbins8:50

      Stop the phone.

   9. MRMel Robbins8:51

      Stop the train, I wanna get off (laughs) .

   10. OROakley Robbins8:53

       Oh, you dare do that to me? Well-

   11. MRMel Robbins8:54

       John Mayer.

   12. OROakley Robbins8:55

       We'll include that later.

   13. MRMel Robbins8:57

       Um-

   14. OROakley Robbins8:57

       We'll include that later.

   15. MRMel Robbins8:59

       I had no idea that you were struggling with anxiety for three weeks in freshman year of high school. You hid-

   16. OROakley Robbins9:07

       Well, I've strungled-

   17. MRMel Robbins9:07

       Why did you hide this from me?

   18. OROakley Robbins9:08

       I've struggled with anxiety my whole life. The, the, th- when I talk about that specific time period, it's when my anxiety was at this, like, weird peak, where I just, like, couldn't really do anything. And I was terrified.

   19. MRMel Robbins9:20

       Of what?

   20. OROakley Robbins9:22

       No idea. Like, I couldn't tell you freshman year. And I'll, I'll get into what it was later, because I know now, but there was

6. 9:31 – 14:41

   Oakley describes his panic attack and dark thoughts (trigger warning).

   1. OROakley Robbins9:31

      ... This is probably gonna terrify you (laughs) .

   2. MRMel Robbins9:33

      Okay.

   3. OROakley Robbins9:33

      I don't know if you've heard this story.

   4. MRMel Robbins9:35

      I don't know.

   5. OROakley Robbins9:36

      Um, I wrote a memoir about it in sophomore year. So, there was this one day in freshman year that I remember ... That's like basically the only thing that I remember from when I was anxious like that. And it was, I was ... This was actually the first day that I came. Um, I wrote this memoir called The Blue Ceiling, 'cause (clicks tongue) artsy.

   6. MRMel Robbins9:57

      (laughs) .

   7. OROakley Robbins9:57

      And, like, there was this, like, moment where like, later in the day I'll get into it, but anyways, I, I woke up, and it was like one of those, it was one of those March days where it was like there was no snow, but it was, like, kinda like foggy and misty.

   8. MRMel Robbins10:10

      Yeah. Yeah.

   9. OROakley Robbins10:10

      And where we live, like, when you look out the windows, like, you can't see anything. So, it, like, you feel like you're in, like, a snow globe. And so, I woke up, and it was like one of those days where I was in a snow globe, and I was like, "You know, like, I'm just gonna, like, stay in bed and watch some TV." Like, "That sounds nice."

   10. MRMel Robbins10:22

       Okay.

   11. OROakley Robbins10:23

       And so, I was doing that, and all of a sudden, like, boom, like semi-truck hits me, like, I'm lightheaded, I'm confused. I'm like, "What's going on?" Like, nothing feels normal. Like, I don't feel safe right now. Like, I'm really scared, I don't know what to do. Like, I need to get out of my room. Like, I need to go, I need to go, I need to go. And so, I, like, open the door, I go downstairs, and I see Dad sitting in front of the fire, and he's like, "Hey, dude, what's up?" And I was like ... I didn't, I didn't tell him that I was freaking out, but I, like, looked at him, and I was like, "I'm okay," like, "It's whatever." And then, I, like, walked outside, I, like, looked around, I, like, took a deep breath. I was like, "Whatever this is," like, "you've been anxious before." Like, "You can get over this," like, "It's fine." Then, I go back inside.

   12. MRMel Robbins11:06

       Yeah.

   13. OROakley Robbins11:08

       I wanted to hug Dad. I wanted to, like ... I don't know, I wanted to do something. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to get help. I wanted something. And I couldn't do it. Like, I just couldn't. I didn't want to.

   14. MRMel Robbins11:19

       Why?

   15. OROakley Robbins11:21

       Because I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want it to become a process. I didn't want to have to do stuff, because I felt like I knew what I was doing. And then, what happened is I went back up to my room, I kept watching TV, and I remember going back downstairs to find Dad, and he wasn't there. And then, I look towards the kitchen, and I, like ... Oh my God, like, re- like, thinking about this moment is so, like, weird and scary, and, like, I would never do this, ever, and it's super out of character, but I looked in the kitchen, and like, I (laughs) ... You're gonna be very nervous when you hear this. And I looked ... Also, maybe trigger warning for the viewers. I mean listeners, sorry guys. Maybe trigger warning for the listeners, but I looked at the kitchen, and I looked at, like, the, um ...... the knife holder.

   16. MRMel Robbins12:14

       Uh-huh.

   17. OROakley Robbins12:15

       And like, I, like, like, almost like a movie, like, I could fully imagine myself, like, stabbing myself in the stomach with a knife. And like, part of me was like, "I should." And I was like, "Holy fucking shit. Like, this is not happening right now. Like, I am not suicidal. Like, I don't want to kill myself. Like, I want to live." So like, I go back outside, I like, I'm like, hyperventilating, I'm like (laughs) I'm like hyperventilating right now. And I, like, look around, I'm like, I'm like breathing in and out, I'm like, "Like, I'm gonna be okay. Like, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." And like, there was this feeling of l- light-headedness and I just couldn't think clearly and I felt like nothing I w- I would do in that moment would ever matter, and so why do anything? And so, that's why I had that thought is like, "I should just, like, stab myself, 'cause like if I don't, if I do something and it doesn't matter, like, why do it? Like, why do anything? So like, why, why would I keep living my life if nothing I do will ever matter? Like, why not just end it now?" Then, that night, the reason the memoir was called The Blue Ceiling is because later that night, I had this, like, ceiling projector, it was like, it projected, like, this blue night sky onto my ceiling, it was super cool, still have it. And I just, like, remember, this is gonna be like such a main character moment-

   18. MRMel Robbins13:23

       (laughs)

   19. OROakley Robbins13:23

       ... but it was like (laughs) and it is. I, I will fully admit to that. But I, like, I reached my hand up and I, like, looked at my outline of my hand, and I was just, like, crying for no reason, in like the dark, the darkness of my room, it's like my ceiling was blue, and like that was the only light and I was just like-

   20. MRMel Robbins13:40

       Hmm.

   21. OROakley Robbins13:40

       ... looking at my hand outline and crying, and just being terrified. And then, it basically just, like, went away. It was gone. I never thought about it again. Freshman year, like, it was gone. Didn't think about it.

   22. MRMel Robbins13:57

       Can I ask a question?

   23. OROakley Robbins13:58

       Go for it.

   24. MRMel Robbins14:00

       Are you nervous about what I might ask?

   25. OROakley Robbins14:02

       No, not really.

   26. MRMel Robbins14:04

       Well, first, I just want to say thank you for telling me.

   27. OROakley Robbins14:06

       I feel like I told you that before, right?

   28. MRMel Robbins14:08

       Not that part, no.

   29. OROakley Robbins14:09

       I could give you the memoir and you could read it on your own time if you wanted to.

   30. MRMel Robbins14:14

       Um, I would love to.
7. 14:41 – 15:56

   Here’s why Oakley didn’t share his feelings with me and his father.

   1. OROakley Robbins14:41

      share it with you because, two reasons.

   2. MRMel Robbins14:43

      'Kay.

   3. OROakley Robbins14:44

      The first one was I didn't want to get into it, I didn't want to get a therapist, I didn't want to go on meds. I had horrible experiences with meds and therapists in my past-

   4. MRMel Robbins14:52

      (laughs)

   5. OROakley Robbins14:52

      ... and I didn't want to go back into it because I was just like, "No. No, thanks." And two was because since I've ha- I've had anxiety my whole life. Like, I have, I wouldn't say every day, but like, every week, I've probably had, like, a small anxious panic, if you will. Like a, "Oh my goodness, I'm, like, anxious right now. Uh..." Like, "I'm anxious, I'm nervous," whatever, whatever. And like, I can handle it.

   6. MRMel Robbins15:13

      'Kay.

   7. OROakley Robbins15:13

      I can do it.

   8. MRMel Robbins15:14

      Yep.

   9. OROakley Robbins15:14

      And so, I felt like I could handle it. And like, the reason I didn't tell you is because I was like, I did, I thought I handled it. Like, I was like, "It's over."

   10. MRMel Robbins15:22

       Hmm.

   11. OROakley Robbins15:22

       Like, "It didn't come back."

   12. MRMel Robbins15:23

       Hmm. That's interesting.

   13. OROakley Robbins15:24

       It did not come back.

   14. MRMel Robbins15:25

       Yeah. 'Kay, I want to say one other thing, um, I want to address the fact that you may be listening to us talking about a very serious topic, and we're giggling and we're light about it.

   15. OROakley Robbins15:37

       People laugh when they're uncomfortable.

   16. MRMel Robbins15:39

       Oh. True.

   17. OROakley Robbins15:40

       Except, I wouldn't say I'm uncom- mm, I would, I don't know if I'm uncomfortable right now, but I'm just like, I don't know, I feel like this is easier to talk about when I can, like, throw in a joke.

   18. MRMel Robbins15:51

       Got it.

   19. OROakley Robbins15:51

       Have some fun with it.

   20. MRMel Robbins15:52

       That makes sense. You know, Oak, I want to specifically address what you said about

8. 15:56 – 20:10

   This is what everyone has to know about big, scary thoughts.

   1. MRMel Robbins15:56

      that thought that you had about the knife, because those kinds of thoughts that are really big, scary, overwhelming thoughts, they can seem uncontrollable because they can come outta nowhere and they can start to get more and more frequent and overwhelming. They are very normal. In fact, according to therapists, almost everyone has experienced a situation like the one you described. But I want to talk further about this topic because it's helpful to talk about it. So, hold onto that thought 'cause I know there's more that we're gonna talk about, because I gotta pause real quick for a word from our sponsors and we're gonna be right back. Uh, by the way, you're actually watching an episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast behind the scenes.

   2. OROakley Robbins16:50

      Yeah.

   3. MRMel Robbins16:51

      So, make sure you subscribe on YouTube.

   4. OROakley Robbins16:53

      Yep.

   5. MRMel Robbins16:53

      And also, follow the show wherever you listen to podcasts. You wanna know why? 'Cause the more this show grows, the more we can continue to bring this to you at zero cost, and that's a really big deal for us. So, thank you for supporting us by subscribing to YouTube and by also following Mel Robbins Podcast on a podcast platform.

   6. OROakley Robbins17:11

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins17:11

      All right. Back to the show.

   8. OROakley Robbins17:13

      Cool.

   9. MRMel Robbins17:14

      Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm so excited you're here because I'm talking to my, our 17-year-old son, Oakley, and he's just in real time unpacking a killer therapy session that he had tonight with Keith.

   10. OROakley Robbins17:31

       30 minutes ago. I got off the phone with him. (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins17:35

       (laughs)

   12. OROakley Robbins17:35

       I feel like you're supposed to wait a day, but no, we just, we just jump right in.

   13. MRMel Robbins17:38

       We just jump right in. We are a deep end kind of family. Let's go. Right?

   14. OROakley Robbins17:41

       Mm-hmm.

   15. MRMel Robbins17:42

       Okay. Here's the other thing I wanted to say. We have two years from this, meaning we've had two years' distance from this topic.

   16. OROakley Robbins17:49

       From the freshman talk?

   17. MRMel Robbins17:50

       Yes.

   18. OROakley Robbins17:50

       Yeah, yeah, yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins17:50

       You're in a amazing place mentally, spiritually.

   20. OROakley Robbins17:55

       Fantastically.

   21. MRMel Robbins17:56

       Yeah. And so, there is no danger.

   22. OROakley Robbins17:59

       No.

   23. MRMel Robbins17:59

       And so, I'm not triggered by that. And the other thing I wanted to say is, would it surprise you to hear that having thoughts or a fleeting thought about ending your life or dying some death like that is normal?

   24. OROakley Robbins18:21

       Yeah. 'Cause I feel like, like suicidal thoughts are... I feel like it's been talked about to the point where it's like you're at the worst of the worst if there's suicidal thoughts. Like this is where-

   25. MRMel Robbins18:33

       Oh.

   26. OROakley Robbins18:33

       ... like shit is going down, like it's bad. Like this is bad. Like this is the worst of the worst, like this is horrible, like, um-

   27. MRMel Robbins18:43

       I get it, like you're at the end of the line.

   28. OROakley Robbins18:45

       So, like-

   29. MRMel Robbins18:45

       But the truth is-

   30. OROakley Robbins18:45

       So when you hear, like, so when you hear that somebody has suicid- like when you just said, "Would you think it's normal that most people do?" Like I'd say no because it's like I-
9. 20:10 – 25:03

   There is a big difference between these kinds of thoughts.

   1. MRMel Robbins20:11

      is this: there's a big difference between wanting to end the pain or the anguish that you're feeling right now and actually wanting to end your life.

   2. OROakley Robbins20:20

      Hmm. Hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins20:24

      You can figure out how to lessen the pain or the sadness or the weirdness or the anxiety that you're feeling, and you can do that and you don't have to end your life. In fact, you make your life better by talking about these things that are overwhelming you.

   4. OROakley Robbins20:42

      Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins20:42

      And asking for help.

   6. OROakley Robbins20:43

      'Cause you can't just keep them inside.

   7. MRMel Robbins20:45

      No.

   8. OROakley Robbins20:45

      No.

   9. MRMel Robbins20:45

      'Cause what happens when you keep them inside?

   10. OROakley Robbins20:47

       It like, it's like, it's kinda like a Coke can, like when you shake it up and then it explodes.

   11. MRMel Robbins20:52

       Yeah. Exactly, exactly. That's why I'm proud of you for talking about this, Oak, because it can be torture if you've got that trapped in your own head.

   12. OROakley Robbins21:01

       My God, it's horrible.

   13. MRMel Robbins21:04

       And I think most people, including the people that we've lost that we love to death by suicide, I still would say most people, if somebody had assured them, "If I can take away all the pain that you're feeling, and you could still have your life, would you want to be here?"

   14. OROakley Robbins21:25

       Hell yeah.

   15. MRMel Robbins21:26

       Right?

   16. OROakley Robbins21:26

       Hell yeah.

   17. MRMel Robbins21:28

       Exactly. Now, I wanna talk to you listening and just check in with you, and what I specifically wanna make sure that you hear me say is that it is normal to have these big, scary and overwhelming thoughts, and when they come outta nowhere or they seem to get louder and louder, it can be terrifying. I know it was terrifying when this all started happening with Oakley, and I'm telling you that this is normal because so many people suffer because they believe that the thoughts will never go away.

   18. OROakley Robbins21:59

       That's what I believed. I thought it would never end, and I didn't wanna live the rest of my life with those thoughts.

   19. MRMel Robbins22:04

       Now, if you knew the thoughts were gonna end, would it have made you feel better?

   20. OROakley Robbins22:08

       Yeah.

   21. MRMel Robbins22:09

       If you knew having those thoughts pop in your mind was perfectly normal, would that make you have felt better in that moment?

   22. OROakley Robbins22:15

       Kinda, yeah.

   23. MRMel Robbins22:17

       I- I'm glad that you said that, Oak, because I think so many people, when they start to suffer because of these really scary thoughts, um, they don't tell anybody.

   24. OROakley Robbins22:27

       I didn't wanna tell anyone.

   25. MRMel Robbins22:28

       I know, and I wish you woulda told me. I wish you hadn't suffered alone. I wish you would've told somebody, because the second that you start to talk about it, it immediately relieves you of the burden of carrying this on your own.

   26. OROakley Robbins22:44

       Right.

   27. MRMel Robbins22:45

       You can figure out how to lessen the pain or the sadness or these awful like kinda thoughts that keep popping into your head. You can do that. And you can do that and you don't have to end your life. In fact, when you do that, you make your life better.

   28. OROakley Robbins23:02

       Mm-hmm. Yeah.

   29. MRMel Robbins23:06

       And that's why I'm saying this to you as you're listening to me and Oakley. Tell someone if you're having big and scary and overwhelming thoughts.

   30. OROakley Robbins23:14

       Tell anyone. Just tell anyone.
10. 25:03 – 26:48

    Here’s what Oakley suggests for those struggling on their own.

    1. OROakley Robbins25:04

       um, close in age to me, I don't know, a teenager, mid-20s, mid, I don't know, college, high school, middle school, whatever, it does not matter what is going on in your head. If it is overwhelming, if it is scary, if it is stopping you from doing things that you can normally do, you should always, always, always, always, always tell someone. And you may be worried that it'll make things weird or it'll change things in your life, and it most likely will, but it is going to change your life for the better. In the beginning, for me at least, I thought to myself that, "Hey, I can keep this in. Like, I've done it before. I've done it 10,000 times before. Like, I can do it again." And yeah, you can do it in the beginning, but instead of waiting till you collapse, just get it over with right in the beginning and tell someone. That's all you have to do.

    2. MRMel Robbins26:09

       It'll make it better.

    3. OROakley Robbins26:10

       It will make it better.

    4. MRMel Robbins26:12

       Do you wish you had told me earlier, when it was happening in ninth grade?

    5. OROakley Robbins26:16

       Yeah.

    6. MRMel Robbins26:17

       I do too.

    7. OROakley Robbins26:17

       'Cause I doubt it would have come back in sophomore year.

    8. MRMel Robbins26:19

       Ooh, good point. Speaking of sophomore year, let's go there.

    9. OROakley Robbins26:25

       Let's do it.

    10. MRMel Robbins26:26

        So what happened sophomore year? Because you said, you know, this, this anxiety hit you for a week period in March freshman year.

    11. OROakley Robbins26:35

        Gone. Forgotten about. Um-

    12. MRMel Robbins26:38

        But the shit hit the fan sophomore year.

    13. OROakley Robbins26:41

        Oh my god.

    14. MRMel Robbins26:42

        Ugh.

    15. OROakley Robbins26:43

        So-

    16. MRMel Robbins26:43

        It's terrifying.

    17. OROakley Robbins26:45

        ... flashback. Beginning of sophomore year.

11. 26:48 – 33:14

    Oakley’s existential crisis that led to his breakdown.

    1. OROakley Robbins26:48

       Sophomore year was awesome. I loved my sophomore year. Great friends, um, great experiences, great classes, super fun. Um, it was great. It was same time March, or was it April? Might have been April. I think it was-

    2. MRMel Robbins27:04

       We're gonna have to track this this year.

    3. OROakley Robbins27:05

       We will have to track (laughs) this. Hey, it's coming to that time. Let's, uh-

    4. MRMel Robbins27:09

       It is.

    5. OROakley Robbins27:10

       Mm, not yet. Anyways, April comes around and I... Everything's good, you know. Um, ev- yeah, everything's good. And then, in my English class, like I just talked about, um, my teacher had us write a memoir about anything we wanted. And so, in sophomore year, I wrote about my experience that I had freshman year-

    6. MRMel Robbins27:37

       Okay.

    7. OROakley Robbins27:38

       ... around the same time. (laughs) And so by writing that, I, I basically, like, mentally dove back into that mindset. Not mindset, but, like, into that time, and I-

    8. MRMel Robbins27:49

       Oh.

    9. OROakley Robbins27:49

       ... remembered how I felt, and then I remembered what it was like, and I remembered the hopelessness and the anxiety. Anyways, so I had brought myself back to those emotions. I remembered them. I kind of brought myself back to a time where I was super vulnerable, and I had to go back and be vulnerable in that moment. And then-

    10. MRMel Robbins28:10

        I can see your eyes tearing up just thinking about it.

    11. OROakley Robbins28:13

        Not really. Not in this moment.

    12. MRMel Robbins28:15

        Little bit.

    13. OROakley Robbins28:16

        Okay.

    14. MRMel Robbins28:16

        I'm not gonna lie, little bit.

    15. OROakley Robbins28:17

        And so those, those, those thoughts are fresh in my mind, and I... And since I was a sophomore, and it was a year later, I wanted to try and, like, unpack it and think about what it actually meant, why I felt that way. And while I was doing that, like, a week rolled around. And the next week in that class, my English teacher, again, (laughs)

    16. MRMel Robbins28:39

        (laughs)

    17. OROakley Robbins28:39

        ... showed us a movie.

    18. MRMel Robbins28:43

        Oh, my.

    19. OROakley Robbins28:43

        And this movie was about climate change, and it was about how in, like, five years, it's irreversible and we're fucked. And it was like, possible solutions and all this stuff, and then it told us what would happen if these solutions didn't happen. And so I come out of the movie and I'm like, "What could we do? Like, realistically, like, as a world, like, what can we do?"

    20. MRMel Robbins29:10

        Okay.

    21. OROakley Robbins29:11

        So I started thinking about my town, and then my state, and then my country, and then the world. And then I was like, "What if we can't do anything? What i- like, can somebody else help us?" And then I was like, "Is there somebody else?" And then I was thinking about the universe, and then I was thinking about, like... In f- like, expanding, expanding, expanding, expanding. We become a pebble. We become a grain of sand. We become literally, like, nothing. Like, we become nothing, in my mind. And all of a sudden, it's like a light switch in my mind where I'm like, "Holy shit," like, nothing matters. Absolutely nothing matters to me. Nothing I do-

    22. MRMel Robbins29:49

        Do not get yourself back in that state.

    23. OROakley Robbins29:52

        No, I-

    24. MRMel Robbins29:52

        Okay.

    25. OROakley Robbins29:52

        I'm just-

    26. MRMel Robbins29:52

        Well, I was just like, like I don't-

    27. OROakley Robbins29:54

        No, no, no, no, no.

    28. MRMel Robbins29:55

        Okay.

    29. OROakley Robbins29:55

        So nothing matters. Nothing I do will have an effect. Nothing anybody does will change anything, so why do anything?

    30. MRMel Robbins30:03

        Mm-hmm.
12. 33:14 – 34:28

    My panic attacks and anxiety felt like this when I was growing up.

    1. MRMel Robbins33:14

       very acute moments of anxiety when I was younger, I would have this thing happen that was equally scary, Oak, where I didn't have the thoughts go first, "Nothing matters, nothing matters," I would all of a sudden feel this weird thing happen in my body. Like, you- you call it, like, a switch had flipped. And all of a sudden, I would have this experience where everything felt fake, almost like The Truman Show.

    2. OROakley Robbins33:52

       Right.

    3. MRMel Robbins33:52

       Or that your whole life is a set that's fake.

    4. OROakley Robbins33:56

       Right.

    5. MRMel Robbins33:56

       And I would repeatedly have this feeling that if the wind blew, all of these walls in this room would just flop down.

    6. OROakley Robbins34:03

       Like a TV set.

    7. MRMel Robbins34:04

       Like a TV set. And I would find myself in the middle of the desert with no one in sight.

    8. OROakley Robbins34:11

       Hmm.

    9. MRMel Robbins34:11

       And the only person... And is Earth even real? And is this room even real? Like, that's how it was. Terrifying.

    10. OROakley Robbins34:18

        Yeah.

    11. MRMel Robbins34:18

        Absolutely terrifying.

    12. OROakley Robbins34:19

        Yeah.

    13. MRMel Robbins34:19

        So, I understand what that's like. And for those of you wondering what we did, I went into, uh, first responder mode. Do you

13. 34:28 – 35:40

    Here’s what we did to support Oakley.

    1. MRMel Robbins34:28

       remember?

    2. OROakley Robbins34:30

       Uh, you wouldn't let me sleep alone. (laughs)

    3. MRMel Robbins34:32

       I know. I slept-

    4. OROakley Robbins34:33

       You wouldn't let me-

    5. MRMel Robbins34:33

       ... in your bed-

    6. OROakley Robbins34:34

       You wouldn't let me-

    7. MRMel Robbins34:34

       ... with you.

    8. OROakley Robbins34:35

       ... be alone. You... Oh, my God. You took me outta school-

    9. MRMel Robbins34:39

       Yep.

    10. OROakley Robbins34:39

        ... for a week.

    11. MRMel Robbins34:40

        For mental health.

    12. OROakley Robbins34:41

        We went back to Massachusetts.

    13. MRMel Robbins34:43

        Yep, to see doctors.

    14. OROakley Robbins34:45

        Um, I'm trying to think about what else you did.

    15. MRMel Robbins34:50

        I wouldn't let you be alone. I wouldn't let you sleep alone. I made you eat. Dad meditated with you.

    16. OROakley Robbins34:55

        Yeah. Yeah.

    17. MRMel Robbins34:55

        Uh, we got you-

    18. OROakley Robbins34:56

        Yeah.

    19. MRMel Robbins34:56

        ... into therapy as fast as possible.

    20. OROakley Robbins34:59

        Yeah.

    21. MRMel Robbins34:59

        Uh, you-

    22. OROakley Robbins35:00

        Got on medication.

    23. MRMel Robbins35:01

        ... tried some medication that really helped.

    24. OROakley Robbins35:03

        Still on it. It's the best.

    25. MRMel Robbins35:04

        (laughs)

    26. OROakley Robbins35:04

        (laughs)

    27. MRMel Robbins35:05

        Helped you climb out of that hole, man. Like, sometimes you need a ladder.

    28. OROakley Robbins35:10

        Yeah. You do. Um-

    29. MRMel Robbins35:12

        Sometimes you also need a surfboard. And so, they can work both ways.

    30. OROakley Robbins35:16

        Mm-hmm.
14. 35:40 – 39:19

    The John Mayer song that had a powerful impact on Oakley.

    1. OROakley Robbins35:40

       At the time, there was this song that I still love today, but I think it also contributed to my anxiety. It's, um... There's this, like, underground artist. His name's John Mayer.

    2. MRMel Robbins35:54

       (laughs)

    3. OROakley Robbins35:54

       I don't know if any of you know who he is, but he's super... I think he's a pretty good artist. And there's one of his songs, it's called Stop This Train. And basically, like, train symbolizes time and how, like, time keeps moving, and, like, John... I don't know if I should call him John. We're not friends. But, like-

    4. MRMel Robbins36:10

       (laughs)

    5. OROakley Robbins36:10

       ... John Mayer wants the train or time to stop. And it's like, it's just, like, him being, like, "Stop, stop time." Like, "Let me stay where I am." Like, "I'm lo-"

    6. MRMel Robbins36:20

       Want to get off.

    7. OROakley Robbins36:21

       Like, "I just want to, I want to get off." Like, "I just want to be with what I am right now."

    8. MRMel Robbins36:24

       Mmm.

    9. OROakley Robbins36:24

       And then it ends with him, like, talking to his dad, and his dad's like, "Don't stop," like, "time." Like, just, like, "You just want to hold on, and just, like, keep going for as long as you can."

    10. MRMel Robbins36:32

        Hmm.

    11. OROakley Robbins36:32

        "And just, like, appreciate it and be in it."And like, I think... Oh, my goodness. The-

    12. MRMel Robbins36:38

        That's making you emotional.

    13. OROakley Robbins36:39

        Oh, my God. It always does, and the whole-

    14. MRMel Robbins36:40

        Why? Why does that make you emotional?

    15. OROakley Robbins36:42

        'Cause like time is just like... Oh, my God. It's, that's too much. Like that's too scary. Not scary, but like that's just so much to think about, like how like time is just keep, gonna keep going.

    16. MRMel Robbins36:50

        Yeah. You know, I always have that feeling when I'm in a museum, and you know, I'll be looking at a painting and I lean forward and it's like something has been painted in the 1800s.

    17. OROakley Robbins37:02

        Geez.

    18. MRMel Robbins37:03

        Have you had that experience?

    19. OROakley Robbins37:04

        I'm way too bored in a museum to ever pay attention to dates, so-

    20. MRMel Robbins37:07

        (laughs) Well.

    21. OROakley Robbins37:08

        I would love to be like a museum guy, but I can't.

    22. MRMel Robbins37:11

        Why?

    23. OROakley Robbins37:12

        'Cause it's just like fun and like mysterious, and it makes you like more interesting. I've actually gotten into museums more than I used to be, but I don't know, my memories of museums were always just like, "This is the most boring thing ever, like staring at a wall for 15 minutes."

    24. MRMel Robbins37:25

        Meanwhile, your mother is having a small, existential crisis as she's looking at paintings, 'cause as I lean forward and I'm like, "This was painted in the 1800s?" That means there was a person standing in front of this canvas 200 and whatever years ago. I can't even do the, the math on this.

    25. OROakley Robbins37:44

        Mm-hmm.

    26. MRMel Robbins37:45

        And they're not here anymore.

    27. OROakley Robbins37:46

        Yeah.

    28. MRMel Robbins37:47

        And it makes me feel so small in the timeline of humanity, and it's the same kind of thing that you're talking about.

    29. OROakley Robbins37:58

        Yeah. And so like that song just sparks something in me where I was like, time is gonna keep going and like it won't, like-

    30. MRMel Robbins38:04

        Slow down.
15. 39:19 – 55:59

    Here’s where Oakley is now that he’s been working with his therapist.

    1. OROakley Robbins39:19

       my therapist, the GOAT, Keith. He's awesome. He's in California, so we Zoom. And he's just this like super chill, spiritual guy. Used to be a surfer, like he's just like the coolest dude ever.

    2. MRMel Robbins39:32

       (laughs)

    3. OROakley Robbins39:33

       And I love him because he's like such a smiley guy and he's just like fun and he's taught me all this stuff. And so, I guess this segue... And he basically like helped me... Actually, we, our beginning lessons were... Yeah. Our beginning lessons were a lot on, um, purpose and like-

    4. MRMel Robbins39:53

       Mm-hmm.

    5. OROakley Robbins39:53

       ... what I am gonna do about this thought process. And we came to the conclusion, um, that... Or I guess I came to the con- conclusion with his help that life does not matter, but us as individuals can make it matter-

    6. MRMel Robbins40:19

       Mm-hmm.

    7. OROakley Robbins40:19

       ... by using purpose and finding our purpose.

    8. MRMel Robbins40:23

       Mm-hmm.

    9. OROakley Robbins40:24

       And so, what I discovered with him is that like these thoughts about life not mattering are going to be here, but it doesn't mean they're going to stay, because over time, when I live my life, I'm going to discover what, um, what the reason is or the reason why I want to be here.

    10. MRMel Robbins40:50

        Yeah, and why you matter.

    11. OROakley Robbins40:52

        And it doesn't have to change anything and it doesn't have to do anything, but I'm just like looking for, um, my purpose and like my reason to be like, "Well, that's why I'm here and that's why I want to live." And that's why like... Stuff like that.

    12. MRMel Robbins41:04

        So, I just want to see if you can go a little deeper in explaining something. Because when you first started working with your therapist, Keith, you were in the middle of these catastrophic, kind of overwhelming, scary thoughts. And it's interesting that where you guys started was with the topic of purpose. And I understand that this was happening in parallel with a, uh, medical doctor giving you a antidepressant to kind of act like a ladder to help you stabilize.

    13. OROakley Robbins41:40

        Still on 'em.

    14. MRMel Robbins41:41

        Still on 'em, baby.

    15. OROakley Robbins41:42

        Still great.

    16. MRMel Robbins41:42

        (laughs)

    17. OROakley Robbins41:42

        Still taking 'em. Guys, they're great.

    18. MRMel Robbins41:45

        Okay. (laughs) But what was it about the topic of purpose that really helped you see your way through these scary and overwhelming thoughts? Because the other thing that I've, uh, read, uh, about the research of this is that this is very common. Whether you're triggered by thinking about things like climate change, or if you're thinking about, um, racism or systematic discrimination, or you are experiencing extreme poverty, or you lose somebody that you love, it can lead you to deeply contemplate the meaning of life. And people that are more empathetic or introverted tend to do this more.But it can happen to anybody. And so, I found it really interesting that, that it was a conversation about purpose that helped you start to gain more control about the way that you were thinking. So, can you explain how that helped you?

    19. OROakley Robbins43:02

        Yeah. I feel like what purpo- like, what our conversation about purpose did for me was that even though at this point in time, um, I felt like life had no meaning and there was nothing to really, like, be alive for, the conversation about purpose kind of strengthened a thought in my mind about how that at one point in my life, I'll do something or I'll meet someone or I'll go somewhere that will just, like, give me this feeling of belonging and a reason to live and a reason to be here. And that will be, like, my reason to be on this earth. And like one day I'll be like, "Hey, this thing that I discovered about myself that I really like is like my reason to be here, and this is why I'm on this earth."

    20. MRMel Robbins44:03

        Mm. Can I go a little deeper?

    21. OROakley Robbins44:06

        Yeah.

    22. MRMel Robbins44:06

        Because at the time that this was happening, how would you describe your relationship with your family?

    23. OROakley Robbins44:15

        Uh, good?

    24. MRMel Robbins44:17

        Yeah.

    25. OROakley Robbins44:18

        I mean, I (laughs) I feel like, uh, my relationship has always been good, so...

    26. MRMel Robbins44:21

        Yeah.

    27. OROakley Robbins44:22

        It was good.

    28. MRMel Robbins44:22

        And did you have friends?

    29. OROakley Robbins44:24

        Plenty. I even had a girlfriend.

    30. MRMel Robbins44:27

        And did you, um, enjoy school?
16. 55:59 – 58:12

    Two profound quotes that really resonated with us both.

    1. MRMel Robbins55:59

    2. OROakley Robbins55:59

       So there's actually two quotes that I really like. Uh, the first one is, "We're all traveling through time together every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride." The second one is, "I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day. To enjoy it as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary ordinary life."

    3. MRMel Robbins56:26

       That's beautiful.

    4. OROakley Robbins56:27

       Yeah.

    5. MRMel Robbins56:28

       Thanks.

    6. OROakley Robbins56:29

       Of course.

    7. MRMel Robbins56:30

       Well, I love you.

    8. OROakley Robbins56:34

       I love myself. And I love you too. (laughs)

    9. MRMel Robbins56:39

       (laughs) You're the best, dude.

    10. OROakley Robbins56:40

        Thank you, mom.

    11. MRMel Robbins56:41

        Just the best.

    12. OROakley Robbins56:42

        Thank you.

    13. MRMel Robbins56:43

        Oh my God. Um-

    14. OROakley Robbins56:45

        Yes.

    15. MRMel Robbins56:46

        ... ding, ding. All right. Well, in case nobody else tells you today, I wanted to tell you that I love you.

    16. OROakley Robbins56:51

        So do I.

    17. MRMel Robbins56:51

        And I believe in you.

    18. OROakley Robbins56:53

        I do as well.

    19. MRMel Robbins56:54

        And, um-

    20. OROakley Robbins56:56

        Make this universe your own.

    21. MRMel Robbins56:57

        Make your universe your own. You get to choose what is staying in that universe and what you're not taking in there. And I love what you said, might as well just enjoy it.

    22. OROakley Robbins57:08

        That's all you gotta do.

    23. MRMel Robbins57:09

        All right, everybody. We love you.

    24. OROakley Robbins57:11

        Love you too.

    25. MRMel Robbins57:11

        Talk in a few days. Bye. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah.

Episode duration: 58:12