The 7‑Day Habit Reset: Start Today, Feel Different By Next Week

1. 0:00 – 1:15

   Meet the Guest

   1. CDCharles Duhigg0:00

      You can become any person you wanna be. That habit that's been driving you crazy for years, you can change it. You can build the habits that make you into a marathoner. You can abandon the habits of drinking or overeating that have w- weighed you down. Every habit can be changed. Aristotle once said, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, it's a habit."

   2. MRMel Robbins0:21

      And so is slacking off.

   3. CDCharles Duhigg0:23

      So is slacking off, so is exercising every day, so is procrastination. Now, about 40 to 45% of what we do every day is a habit.

   4. MRMel Robbins0:31

      45%?

   5. CDCharles Duhigg0:32

      Yeah. Oftentimes when we talk about changing a habit, we refer to it as breaking a habit. "I'm gonna stop doing that thing." And what we know is we know that that's not enough. We have to use what's called the golden rule.

   6. MRMel Robbins0:44

      What's the golden rule?

   7. CDCharles Duhigg0:45

      Don't try and extinguish a habit. Rather... We have the power to be the people we want to be. We can be the person we want to be by changing our habits, and any habit can be created, any habit can be changed. You can live the life that you want.

   8. MRMel Robbins1:04

      Charles Duhigg! I am so excited that you're here to teach us all about habits.

   9. CDCharles Duhigg1:10

      Well, thank you for ha- this is such an honor for me. I really appreciate it.

   10. MRMel Robbins1:13

       Well, you know, your book The Power of Habits

2. 1:15 – 9:11

   The Science of Habit: Rewire Your Brain

   1. MRMel Robbins1:15

      changed my life.

   2. CDCharles Duhigg1:16

      (laughs)

   3. MRMel Robbins1:16

      It is the best and it is the seminal and it is the original, incredible book about habits. The research is unreal, I cannot wait for you to unpack all that today, and I'd love to start by having you speak directly to the person who's listening. They do not have a lot of time, but they have found the time to spend it with you and me, and they cannot wait to learn about your research with habits, how to create a positive ripple effect in their life. Can you tell this person what might change about their life if they take everything that you're about to share today, and they apply it?

   4. CDCharles Duhigg1:51

      Absolutely. Absolutely. So here's the thing I would say. Every habit can be changed. You can create as many habits as you want. You can change, that, that habit that's been driving you crazy for years? You can change it. Because the way that habits work is that it's a very simple thing that happens inside our brain, and once we know how to take a habit and break it apart into its components, then suddenly, we can adjust anything that we want to in our life. So you can become any person you wanna be. You can build the habits that make you into a marathoner. You can abandon the habits of drinking or overeating that have b- weighed you down, once you understand how to change the habits.

   5. MRMel Robbins2:34

      I love that you started there because you said "simple". And to me, behavior change, on its face, seems simple, but it is so dang hard to do, and so you're seriously going to teach us how we could create habits that change who we are, make more money?

   6. CDCharles Duhigg2:53

      Absolutely.

   7. MRMel Robbins2:53

      That's a habit?

   8. CDCharles Duhigg2:54

      Absolutely, absolutely. Y- you're exactly right. It is simple. That doesn't mean it's easy.

   9. MRMel Robbins2:58

      Okay.

   10. CDCharles Duhigg2:58

       Right? There's lots of simple things in life.

   11. MRMel Robbins2:59

       But you're gonna make it easy.

   12. CDCharles Duhigg3:00

       But we're gonna make it easier. We're gonna tell you exactly the steps to take because the truth of the matter is, that once we start to change our habits, it has a cascade effect and it changes the rest of our life.

   13. MRMel Robbins3:11

       So cascade meaning what?

   14. CDCharles Duhigg3:13

       Meaning that, t- there's a chain reaction.

   15. MRMel Robbins3:16

       Okay.

   16. CDCharles Duhigg3:16

       That something happens that causes other habits to change without us even having to use our willpower to change them. Within the literature, this is known as a keystone habit.

   17. MRMel Robbins3:26

       Okay, what is a ski, key, I almost called it a ski stone.

   18. CDCharles Duhigg3:28

       (laughs)

   19. MRMel Robbins3:28

       But what i- what is a keystone habit?

   20. CDCharles Duhigg3:31

       So a keystone habit, what we know is that some habits are more powerful than others.

   21. MRMel Robbins3:35

       Okay, so there's a hierarchy to habits.

   22. CDCharles Duhigg3:36

       There's a hierarchy to habits, and, and sometimes when you change the right habit, it sets off this chain reaction in the rest of your life. O- one of my favorite examples of this is exercise.

   23. MRMel Robbins3:46

       Okay.

   24. CDCharles Duhigg3:46

       Right? So, we all know that on the mornings that you go and you exercise, for some reason at lunch, you, you eat healthier. Right? And if you think about it, that doesn't necessarily make any sense, right? But it's easier for some reason, my legs are kinda sore, suddenly I go into the cafeteria and I get a salad instead of that sandwich that I always get.

   25. MRMel Robbins4:05

       Uh-huh.

   26. CDCharles Duhigg4:06

       But what's really interesting is that these two researchers named Oaten and Cheng, what they looked at is other things that changed. What they found is that on the mornings when people exercise, they tend to use their credit cards less that day.

   27. MRMel Robbins4:17

       What?

   28. CDCharles Duhigg4:18

       They procrastinate less at work. They'll actually start doing the dishes, like washing the dishes, 20 minutes earlier in the day than when they usually do. Now nobody, nobody goes for a run in the morning and thinks like, "Oh, I'm gonna keep the Amex in my pocket today." But what's happening is that for many people, exercise is a keystone habit. When you start to exercise, it sets off this chain reaction that changes other patterns in your life, your eating patterns, your spending patterns.

   29. MRMel Robbins4:45

       Wow.

   30. CDCharles Duhigg4:45

       It's really powerful.
3. 9:11 – 24:00

   Keystone Habit #1: Exercise

   1. CDCharles Duhigg9:11

      how do we build an exercise habit, right?

   2. MRMel Robbins9:13

      Well let me ask you a question though.

   3. CDCharles Duhigg9:15

      Okay.

   4. MRMel Robbins9:15

      Does it have to be running?

   5. CDCharles Duhigg9:16

      It doesn't have to be running.

   6. MRMel Robbins9:17

      Okay. So when you say if you were to develop a habit of exercising, moving your body, whether it could be, it could be running, it could be going for a walk every day, it could be going to the gym three days a week, it could be any form of exercise works.

   7. CDCharles Duhigg9:31

      It can actually even be standing up from your chair regularly.

   8. MRMel Robbins9:34

      Really?

   9. CDCharles Duhigg9:34

      Like, we know, yeah, we know the, you know how your watch sometimes buzzes and it tells you it's time to stand up?

   10. MRMel Robbins9:39

       Yes.

   11. CDCharles Duhigg9:39

       That's based on research, research that shows if you can get yourself to a place where you're habitually standing up every 45 minutes or every 35 minutes and you're just standing and walking around for 10 seconds that it will change your other behaviors because it changes your self-concept, it changes yourself, how you think about yourself.

   12. MRMel Robbins9:57

       Now I wanna make sure that as you're listening to Charles, 'cause this is such an important idea because I think a lot of us think we should exercise because we know it's good for us and we think that it's something that we should do. What you're saying is something different. Just stop and think for a second as you're listening to Charles and think about the kind of person that goes to the gym five days a week. And now even if you're not that kind of person, you probably can imagine that there are certain things about that person that you know to be true because they seem to have the discipline or, in your words, the habit of moving their body that regularly. That maybe they don't procrastinate, maybe they get out of bed when the alarm rings, maybe they have more energy during the day, maybe they are a healthier eater, maybe they don't bury themselves in a bottle of wine every night. I don't know, but you have assumptions about who that person is when you see somebody doing something and you're saying that the same thing happens to yourself, that when you become the kind of person who doesn't drink or the kind of person who saves money regularly or the kind of person who exercises regularly, it changes your identity. That's super cool.

   13. CDCharles Duhigg11:18

       It's absolutely amazing. And, and you're exactly right. There's a part of our brain that pays attention not to what we think we should do but how we actually behave. And in, in psychology this is known as stated versus actual preferences.

   14. MRMel Robbins11:32

       Stated versus actual preferences.

   15. CDCharles Duhigg11:34

       Yes. So, so my stated preference might be-

   16. MRMel Robbins11:36

       You know how I say that?

   17. CDCharles Duhigg11:36

       ... that I work out-

   18. MRMel Robbins11:38

       All right. Stop talking and do it.

   19. CDCharles Duhigg11:39

       Yeah. Exactly.

   20. MRMel Robbins11:40

       You wanna be that person?

   21. CDCharles Duhigg11:40

       Exactly.

   22. MRMel Robbins11:41

       Prove it. Yes.

   23. CDCharles Duhigg11:41

       There's a part of your brain that does exactly that and they say, "You know what? You got up this morning and you went for a quarter mile jog. You're kind of, you're kind of a jock. You're kind of an athlete. You're kind of awesome. And I'm gonna start changing our behavior based on this concept of what you actually do." That's how habits change our life.

   24. MRMel Robbins11:59

       You know, one of the things that's incredible, and I want you to explain the science behind how just this one habit you're gonna teach us all...... the mechanics of how to lock in exercise, whatever your form is, as a habit. But can you explain the science, 'cause you wrote about this in the book, about how exercise compounds and leads to other changes like eating better, being more productive, even spending less money? You, you wrote about it in your book, it's on page 109, that people who start running suddenly quit smoking-

   25. CDCharles Duhigg12:30

       Yeah.

   26. MRMel Robbins12:30

       ... or start budgeting?

   27. CDCharles Duhigg12:31

       Right.

   28. MRMel Robbins12:32

       Why does exercise cause a ripple of other positive change?

   29. CDCharles Duhigg12:36

       Well, let me ask you a question.

   30. MRMel Robbins12:38

       Yes.
4. 24:00 – 37:17

   Keystone Habit #2: Morning Routine

   1. MRMel Robbins24:00

      habit?

   2. CDCharles Duhigg24:00

      So the second keystone habit is to have a morning routine. And morning routines are really, really powerful. Um, folks who are listening, they might have heard about these speeches that were given about making your bed, right? That, that a number of commencement speeches, th- th- the speakers have said, "The most important thing you can do as a college graduate is make your bed in the morning." Now, why? What is it about, um, making your bed in the morning?Well, a morning routine oftentimes determines how we feel about the rest of our day. And how we feel about our day influences the choices that we make and the habits that come out during that day. Now, a morning routine, every morning routine should have three components and it's easy to remember. It's A-R-C, ARC.

   3. MRMel Robbins24:41

      Okay.

   4. CDCharles Duhigg24:42

      A morning, uh, routine should first of all create anticipation for the day, right? And anticipation means maybe I'm f- choosing... Maybe I'm just thinking about one thing I'm excited about today. I'm just gonna take 30 seconds and I'm just gonna imagine like, "You know, I'm going to lunch with Mel. I'm really looking forward to that." I've got anticipation for the day. The second thing, R, is relaxation. When I-

   5. MRMel Robbins25:05

      Relaxation?

   6. CDCharles Duhigg25:06

      Relaxation. Now that doesn't mean it has to be a lot of relaxation, but I'm gonna let my nervous system calm down a little bit. That might mean literally I just have a nice cup of c- of tea and, like, do the Wordle. It might mean I take a shower and th- and I just let myself kind of, like, relax in the shower for 10 or 15 seconds, right? So ARC, anticipation, relaxation. And then the third thing that a morning routine ought to have to be really powerful is to have connection. That you want to connect with at least one other person sometime in the morning. Now that might mean that it's your husband, it might mean it's your kids, it might mean it's your dog, it might mean that you feed the fish. But that sense of connection is going to wake something up in you that means you will seek out connection during the day and we are happiest when we're socializing with other people.

   7. MRMel Robbins25:57

      So those are the three components?

   8. CDCharles Duhigg25:59

      Those are the three components of building a morning routine.

   9. MRMel Robbins26:02

      Wow.

   10. CDCharles Duhigg26:02

       And i- they're really simple. It's very straightforward. So let's take making your bed as an example.

   11. MRMel Robbins26:07

       Okay.

   12. CDCharles Duhigg26:07

       Right? So it's not actually just the making the bed that matters.

   13. MRMel Robbins26:11

       What matters?

   14. CDCharles Duhigg26:12

       What matters is that when I'm making that bed, I'm saying to myself, "You know what? I'm gonna start by making the..." Like, "Today's gonna be a good day." I'm int- I'm doing the anticipation. "Today's gonna be a good day. I started, I woke up, I'm gonna, my room looks really nice, the comforter's all smooth. This is gonna be a good day." Anticipation. Relaxation. Actually when you're making that bed, like oftentimes one of the things that happens is you kind of just, like, feel like, "I have time this morning." You have to have a schedule that'll, gives you the time to make your-

   15. MRMel Robbins26:41

       That's so true.

   16. CDCharles Duhigg26:41

       You have to rel- you have to have time to relax, right? If, uh, you wake up at the last minute, you can't make your bed, so if you set your alarm a little bit earlier so that you can make your bed, now suddenly you've got time to have that cup of coffee, to, to read the paper, to do the Wordle. So you've got the anticipation, you've got the relaxation. The connection. Most of the time when I make that bed, it's also I'm making my wife's bed.

   17. MRMel Robbins27:02

       Mm.

   18. CDCharles Duhigg27:02

       Right? My wife and I, we sleep in the same bed, and so when I make that bed, I'm doing something nice for her. I'm connecting to her. Now she might have already left for the day, but simply reminding myself, "I'm gonna make this bed look nice for Liz when she comes home," that gives me that connection. So something as simple as making a bed, which takes, what, 15, 20 seconds, that is enough to build a morning routine that can change the rest of your day.

   19. MRMel Robbins27:27

       So that's the way that you can start to lock in this keystone habit, is w- when you get out of bed, make the bed, but take a little bit of time and be present as you're doing it to get all of that goodness that the research says.

   20. CDCharles Duhigg27:44

       Absolutely. Absolu-

   21. MRMel Robbins27:44

       And then you can add on from there.

   22. CDCharles Duhigg27:46

       You can add on from there. And the thing that is r- you might have noticed is that we're giving ourself a reward, right? Our-

   23. MRMel Robbins27:52

       What is the reward?

   24. CDCharles Duhigg27:52

       Well, the cue is that I'm waking up, I look at the, at the unmade bed-

   25. MRMel Robbins27:56

       Yeah.

   26. CDCharles Duhigg27:56

       ... and I'm gonna go make the bed, right?

   27. MRMel Robbins27:57

       Okay.

   28. CDCharles Duhigg27:58

       Do... There's the cue, there's the routine, I'm making the bed.

   29. MRMel Robbins28:00

       Okay.

   30. CDCharles Duhigg28:00

       The reward is that I'm giving myself a little bit of, uh, a little bit of, like, props, right? I did something nice for my wife, I should feel pretty good about myself. That's a reward.
5. 37:17 – 41:36

   How to Use Rewards to Change Your Habits

   1. MRMel Robbins37:17

      in terms of not being able to lock in-

   2. CDCharles Duhigg37:21

      Yeah.

   3. MRMel Robbins37:21

      ... the habit of a morning routine that has these elements?

   4. CDCharles Duhigg37:24

      The mistake that we sometimes make is that we don't allow ourselves to enjoy the reward. Right?

   5. MRMel Robbins37:29

      And what is the reward?

   6. CDCharles Duhigg37:30

      Well, e- okay, let's talk about exercise for a minute.

   7. MRMel Robbins37:32

      Okay.

   8. CDCharles Duhigg37:32

      Think about how many people will say, like, "You know, I went ex- I went for a run this morning, and then I let myself have a really good kale smoothie." That is not a reward. Nobody likes a kale smoothie, right?

   9. MRMel Robbins37:44

      (laughs)

   10. CDCharles Duhigg37:44

       We drink them 'cause it feels virtuous to us. But the people who are gonna continue exercising are the ones who say, "I had a kale smoothie, and then I added some fruit to it, and I put a little bit of sugar in it," or, "I had a strawberry smoothie, which is a little bit less healthy than a kale smoothie, but you know what? I really like it." Oftentimes, be- c- particularly in America, because we w- we are stoics, right, we don't like to reward ourself-

   11. MRMel Robbins38:06

       Speak for yourselves, but okay-

   12. CDCharles Duhigg38:07

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins38:07

       ... go ahead.

   14. CDCharles Duhigg38:09

       Oftentimes, we try and punish ourselves for doing the right thing, right? "I just went on that long run, and now instead of just, like, lazing in front of the TV, now I'm gonna go lift some weights." So, the biggest mistake that we make when it comes to morning rituals, or when it comes to any other habit that we're building, is not giving ourself a reward and then not letting ourselves enjoy the reward.

   15. MRMel Robbins38:29

       Well, I don't know what the reward is in the morning routine.

   16. CDCharles Duhigg38:32

       Okay. So then which, which routine are we talking about?

   17. MRMel Robbins38:34

       Uh, let's just say I'm, I'm meditating-

   18. CDCharles Duhigg38:37

       Okay.

   19. MRMel Robbins38:38

       ... which I don't have as a habit, so I don't know why I'm picking that one, but that's (laughs) -

   20. CDCharles Duhigg38:41

       Okay.

   21. MRMel Robbins38:41

       ... the best one. (laughs)

   22. CDCharles Duhigg38:41

       So what's, when you do meditate-

   23. MRMel Robbins38:44

       Uh-huh.

   24. CDCharles Duhigg38:44

       ... how do you usually feel afterwards?

   25. MRMel Robbins38:45

       Well, when I have meditated in the past, I feel accomplished, I feel more present, I feel, um, proud of myself that I did it-

   26. CDCharles Duhigg38:55

       Yeah.

   27. MRMel Robbins38:55

       ... that I'm the kind of person that meditates, 'cause I'm married to somebody who is that kinda person.

   28. CDCharles Duhigg39:00

       And so, so those are all the beginnings of rewards. The question is-

   29. MRMel Robbins39:04

       Oh.

   30. CDCharles Duhigg39:04

       ... how do we make them into a reward?
6. 41:36 – 45:21

   How To Double Your Chances for Success

   1. MRMel Robbins41:36

      that one of the things that you should probably do is take a look at the thing you're trying to make a habit and go, "Okay, do I even have a cue?"

   2. CDCharles Duhigg41:44

      Yeah.

   3. MRMel Robbins41:45

      Uh, "Do I know what the repeatable behavior is?" Because one of the things for me with exercise that, it sounds dumb, but unless I actually plan ahead what I'm going to do, like, I know this class I'm gonna stream, or I know the thing that I'm going to go to, it all falls apart because even though I might have the time I'm doing it, now I have to stop and think about what I'm actually doing.

   4. CDCharles Duhigg42:08

      And, and there's a reason why it falls apart-

   5. MRMel Robbins42:10

      Why?

   6. CDCharles Duhigg42:10

      ... from science.

   7. MRMel Robbins42:11

      Why?

   8. CDCharles Duhigg42:11

      It's what's known as hot mind and cold mind.

   9. MRMel Robbins42:14

      Hot mind and cold mind?

   10. CDCharles Duhigg42:15

       Yeah. So, w- let me ask you this. Is it easier to eat healthy when you walk past an ice cream store and you just had dinner or when you're starving?

   11. MRMel Robbins42:25

       Well, uh, it's easier to eat healthy when I've just had dinner.

   12. CDCharles Duhigg42:29

       Okay. Right, exactly. You don't-

   13. MRMel Robbins42:30

       Yes.

   14. CDCharles Duhigg42:30

       ... you don't stop at the c- ice cream store, right?

   15. MRMel Robbins42:31

       If I'm starving, uh, we're making a U-turn. Let's go.

   16. CDCharles Duhigg42:33

       'Cause when you're starving, your mind is in a hot mind place.

   17. MRMel Robbins42:36

       Oh.

   18. CDCharles Duhigg42:37

       You're at the moment where you have to make a decision, and our brain hates making decisions. So what it does is it makes the first easiest decision that it can. So how do we overcome this instinct?We make decisions when we're in a cold mind state.

   19. MRMel Robbins42:50

       Oh.

   20. CDCharles Duhigg42:51

       I- I'm gonna exercise tomorrow morning. You know what? I'm gonna decide what class I'm gonna do right now before I go to bed, 'cause it's not that hard to decide right now, I'm just gonna do this one class, I know that I like it, I'll just queue it up. Now if you wake up that morning and you're like, "I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed, I gotta get to work," you're in a hot mind state. You can't make a decision about what class to do. Your brain's gonna say like, "I'm d- I- I feel too overwhelmed, this is too much, it's too much anxiety. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna say skip the exercise today, let's go to the next thing."

   21. MRMel Robbins43:21

       1000%, that happens all the time.

   22. CDCharles Duhigg43:22

       So, the key is, you make a decision before you have to make the decision, and this is known within science as implementation intentions.

   23. MRMel Robbins43:32

       Okay.

   24. CDCharles Duhigg43:32

       An implementation intention is when I say, from a cold state, I say, "Tomorrow morning, when I see X, I'm going to do Y."

   25. MRMel Robbins43:40

       Mm.

   26. CDCharles Duhigg43:41

       "Tomorrow morning, when I wake up and I see my, my, that I, I see the alarm clock going off and I see my workout clothes that I left on the ground, I'm gonna go do that class. I've already decided what class I'm gonna take. I don't have to decide in the morning." 'Cause deciding is too much hard work. My brain wants to avoid it.

   27. MRMel Robbins43:56

       I love this, 'cause you're making it easier. Like when I think about exercise, I exercise consistently when I'm in Boston recording episodes, 'cause I know the class I'm gonna go to. I meet my buddy Lynn before the class, it's the same time every time, and I have a latte afterwards, and-

   28. CDCharles Duhigg44:11

       It's perfect.

   29. MRMel Robbins44:12

       So those are the conditions that I need to put in place in order to make it easier when I'm in my normal life, because I am deciding what to do with a hot, emotional, I don't wanna exercise mind.

   30. CDCharles Duhigg44:22

       Right, that's ex-
7. 45:21 – 57:09

   Keystone Habit #3: Track Your Progress

   1. MRMel Robbins45:21

      number three.

   2. CDCharles Duhigg45:21

      Yeah.

   3. MRMel Robbins45:22

      What is it?

   4. CDCharles Duhigg45:22

      Keystone habit number three is to track something in your life.

   5. MRMel Robbins45:28

      What?

   6. CDCharles Duhigg45:28

      Yeah, I know, it sounds-

   7. MRMel Robbins45:29

      That sounds like the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

   8. CDCharles Duhigg45:30

      So you-

   9. MRMel Robbins45:30

      Track something in my life jar?

   10. CDCharles Duhigg45:32

       So here's a good example, here's a good example. I know that, that you drink water. You, you-

   11. MRMel Robbins45:35

       Yes.

   12. CDCharles Duhigg45:36

       Okay. So do you, do you know how much water you had to drink today?

   13. MRMel Robbins45:40

       Uh, yes. I have had one and a half of these, I've got... And if you're not watching on YouTube, this is a mason, one of these big wide mouth mason jars. I love these because this is four cups of water. You know, it's surprisingly hard to track how much water you're drinking.

   14. CDCharles Duhigg45:58

       That's exactly right. Why, why would we track how much w- we drink when we're thirsty and we don't drink when we're not thirsty. But let me ask you this...

   15. MRMel Robbins46:05

       Yes.

   16. CDCharles Duhigg46:06

       Why, why do you use that mason jar? Why do you track how much...

   17. MRMel Robbins46:09

       Well, because I'm trying to drink, I'm gonna like completely blow it on the math, I try to drink four of these a day.

   18. CDCharles Duhigg46:17

       Okay.

   19. MRMel Robbins46:17

       Because I wanna make it a habit to be very hydrated and to drink a lot of water because I just feel better, I have more energy, healthwise I feel better, and I can't remember what the four cups ti- 16 cups of water, I don't even know how much water that is.

   20. CDCharles Duhigg46:33

       (laughs)

   21. MRMel Robbins46:33

       But, but that's what I'm trying to do, so I know I need four of these-

   22. CDCharles Duhigg46:37

       So what-

   23. MRMel Robbins46:37

       ... to get that done.

   24. CDCharles Duhigg46:38

       So what you just told me is you told me the why for this behavior, which is really powerful.

   25. MRMel Robbins46:43

       Okay.

   26. CDCharles Duhigg46:43

       You said, "I wanna drink more water, I wanna be hydrated because it gives me more energy."

   27. MRMel Robbins46:47

       Yep.

   28. CDCharles Duhigg46:48

       "It makes me happier. It feels healthy to me."

   29. MRMel Robbins46:50

       Yep.

   30. CDCharles Duhigg46:51

       You're telling yourself the why. Now, drinking water i- well, you're gonna drink plenty of water, like you, you'll drink water when you're thirsty, right? But when you start tracking how much water you're drinking, you're reminding yourself of the why that matters to you. You're giving that activity meaning and purpose. When you pick up that glass and you take a sip?
8. 57:09 – 1:04:39

   The Golden Rule of Changing Your Habits

   1. MRMel Robbins57:09

      day, you know how you have a good day? You- you're like you- you- you- we got a winner here. I have had a good day. I've checked the boxes. I've drank the water. I've had all the good foods. I've connected with my people. I planned my morning. I made my bed. I moved my body. Then I'm pouring a Manhattan and eating popcorn all night.

   2. CDCharles Duhigg57:26

      Exactly.

   3. MRMel Robbins57:27

      Like what- what is happening?

   4. CDCharles Duhigg57:28

      So- so let's talk about because there's a difference between creating a new habit and changing an old habit.

   5. MRMel Robbins57:34

      Oh.

   6. CDCharles Duhigg57:35

      Oftentimes when we talk about changing a habit, we refer to it as breaking a habit.

   7. MRMel Robbins57:39

      Okay.

   8. CDCharles Duhigg57:39

      I'm gonna stop doing that thing. And what we know is we know that that's not enough. We have to use what's called the golden rule-

   9. MRMel Robbins57:46

      What's the golden rule?

   10. CDCharles Duhigg57:46

       ... which says don't try and extinguish a habit. Rather, figure out what the cue and the reward are and then change the behavior so that it's something that's related to the old cue and that delivers something similar to the old reward. So let's take your popcorn habit.

   11. MRMel Robbins58:01

       Okay.

   12. CDCharles Duhigg58:01

       Okay. So let me ask you, what is the cue?

   13. MRMel Robbins58:04

       That's like the healthy version.

   14. CDCharles Duhigg58:05

       Okay.

   15. MRMel Robbins58:05

       I mean, sometimes it's-

   16. CDCharles Duhigg58:06

       (laughs)

   17. MRMel Robbins58:06

       ... the ice cream standing with the freezer open-

   18. CDCharles Duhigg58:09

       Yes. (laughs)

   19. MRMel Robbins58:09

       ... and the spoon right in the pint.

   20. CDCharles Duhigg58:10

       (laughs) So- so what is the cue? When you're- when you're standing in front of the pantry, your family's standing in front of the freezer...

   21. MRMel Robbins58:16

       You know what it is? It's like I'm s- I'm somewhere else in my house and it's sort of that- that zone where dinner's done and the kids aren't home anymore. The dogs are kinda laying down 'cause they're now tired. And I'm trying to decide, am I gonna watch something? Am I gonna read something? Am I going to log back on to my computer? Am I going to have a glass of wine? Am I going to... And- and there's something about that zone.

   22. CDCharles Duhigg58:49

       Yeah.

   23. MRMel Robbins58:49

       Or if I'm watching a program and the program is like halfway done, I just find myself floating toward the kitchen.

   24. CDCharles Duhigg58:57

       Right.

   25. MRMel Robbins58:58

       There's something about filling that time-

   26. CDCharles Duhigg59:00

       Yeah.

   27. MRMel Robbins59:00

       ... that leads me to make the choices that aren't ne- that like seem to cancel everything. It's like your chocolate croissant after the run, Charles.

   28. CDCharles Duhigg59:08

       Let me- let me suggest to you what I think the cue is.

   29. MRMel Robbins59:10

       Please.

   30. CDCharles Duhigg59:11

       You're bored.
9. 1:04:39 – 1:08:10

   You Can Change Your Habits

   1. MRMel Robbins1:04:39

   2. CDCharles Duhigg1:04:39

      You know, my parting words are, it's really easy to get down on ourselves.

   3. MRMel Robbins1:04:44

      Mm.

   4. CDCharles Duhigg1:04:45

      And there's a type of habit that we haven't really talked about, which are mental habits. Right? And sometimes we don't think of them as habits. We, um, we get down on ourselves 'cause we start thinking about, like, all the things that we should've done better. Right? We get angry because, you know, we think about, like, that, that call that we got from our dad and it sort of riles us up. Those are mental habits. Those are habits that happen automatically. There's a cue and there's a reward. And once we recognize them as habits, we get to interrupt them.

   5. MRMel Robbins1:05:13

      Hm.

   6. CDCharles Duhigg1:05:14

      So one of the things that I do is whenever I get into one of those spirals where I start thinking about all the things I've done wrong, here's all the mistakes I've made, I force myself, I take a- that's my cue, I take a second, I think, "I'm gonna think of four things that I've done really well in the last month." Right? And, and I'm gonna let myself actually enjoy feeling that. 'Cause there's part of us that says, like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you- i- th- those aren't important." Nope, nope, I'm gonna take a second, I'm gonna let myself savor the- you know? Like, my wife needed me to come pick her up at something and I showed up and I did it, and I- and my son was having trouble at school and we had a, we had a real conversation about it. And like, instead of telling him how to fix the problem, I just asked him questions so he figured out the solution on his own. I'm gonna feel good about that. That's the reward I'm gonna give myself. When I start taking control of my mental habits, that's when suddenly I am in control of how happy I am.

   7. MRMel Robbins1:06:06

      Mm.

   8. CDCharles Duhigg1:06:07

      And so that's the one parting thing that I would leave people with, is if you find yourself falling into mental patterns that you don't like, just recognize they're habits. They have cues and they have rewards. You can change them like, just like you started running or just like you drink four glasses of water every day.

   9. MRMel Robbins1:06:24

      You're amazing.

   10. CDCharles Duhigg1:06:25

       (laughs) You, so are you.

   11. MRMel Robbins1:06:26

       I think that should be your next book.

   12. CDCharles Duhigg1:06:28

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins1:06:28

       Habits of Happiness. Fabulous, Charles Duhigg. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

   14. CDCharles Duhigg1:06:34

       Thank you for having me, Mel. This is such a treat.

   15. MRMel Robbins1:06:36

       I just love this. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. I feel smarter. I kinda feel- I don't know how you feel as you've been listening to us. Like, let's go make some habits. I mean, let's go run, let's go drink more water, let's have a morning routine. And if you can make us feel that way about habits, Charles, you absolutely nailed this. So thank you, thank you, thank you, because I'm empowered and I know as you're listening and as you're sharing this with people that you care about, you're empowered too. And that's exactly what I hoped would happen. And one more thing. I wanna make sure, in case no one else tells you, I make this a habit, I really do, I make it a habit to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And this entire conversation today taught you the science and the research that shows that habits are the foundation of your life, that if you wanna change who you are, you heard Charles say it, take a look at the habits of the kind of person that you wanna be and then use the science that you learned today, find the cue, the cold pattern, and the reward, and now you have the simple secret to making that behavior who you are. I love this. All righty. I can't wait to see how this conversation changes your life and the people that you shared it with, and I will also be waiting for you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there. And thank you for subscribing. And I know you're thinking, "All right, Mel, enough. Tell me what to watch next." You got it. You're gonna wanna watch this video next and I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.

Episode duration: 1:08:10