The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You

1. 0:00 – 1:52

   Welcome

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      You have been submitting relationship questions. My husband, Chris, and I, we are gonna go one by one through your questions. Do you remember what you said?

   2. CRChris Robbins0:08

      No.

   3. MRMel Robbins0:09

      You don't? This changed my life, what you said. I don't think this is a marriage problem, I think it's a you problem. You'll know when you get to the point where it's a fork in the road and you're like, "I don't know if I can be with somebody who's like this." Your partner's behavior influences you. I said you cannot force someone else to change, I never said you couldn't influence them.

   4. CRChris Robbins0:29

      Carve out a dedicated moment in the week to do something either familiar or totally new.

   5. MRMel Robbins0:37

      I just had a huge epiphany, after 30 years of being with you.

   6. CRChris Robbins0:41

      Amen.

   7. MRMel Robbins0:42

      How do you two handle disagreements? Per-

   8. CRChris Robbins0:44

      This is the, this is the million dollar question. (clock ticking)

   9. MRMel Robbins0:49

      Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such a pleasure to be with you and to spend time together. And if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so excited because today, my husband Chris and I are gonna be spending time with you, answering your questions. Ever since I launched the Mel Robbins Podcast, you have been submitting relationship questions to melrobbins.com, and today is the day. And we are gonna go one by one through your questions. We're covering so many rich and important topics, from resentment, to unmet expectations, to what to do when you're changing and your spouse isn't, or your spouse is changing and you're not, how to agree on parenting issues, how to deal with pressure from your family, what to do when you start to feel like you're either losing yourself in your marriage or you're starting to drift apart, and so much more. Chris and I have been together for 30 years. We have three adult children, and I'm gonna tell you something. Whether you're in a relationship right now, whether you've just started, whether you've been together for a long time, whether you've just broken

2. 1:52 – 3:45

   Secrets of a Happy Relationship

   1. MRMel Robbins1:52

      up, there is so much that you're gonna get out of this conversation, and I'm absolutely thrilled to be here with you. And by the way, if you love this format, you ask the questions, I deliver the answers, let me know, and we'll keep on doing it. Here comes Chris, so let's get going.

   2. CRChris Robbins2:08

      Thanks for the invitation.

   3. MRMel Robbins2:09

      So Chris, I've got a ton of questions from listeners of the podcast who have written in, and I'm just gonna read 'em and then we're gonna tackle 'em, okay?

   4. CRChris Robbins2:21

      I'm ready.

   5. MRMel Robbins2:21

      All right. Question number one comes from Rachel. "Hi, I love that you both are always growing as individuals. I sometimes feel like I'm working on myself, but my partner isn't as focused on personal growth. How do you two balance working on yourselves individually while also nurturing your relationship together?" You wanna go first?

   6. CRChris Robbins2:41

      No.

   7. MRMel Robbins2:42

      (laughs) You're stalling, aren't you, to think of an answer? All right, I'll go first, okay. Um, first-

   8. CRChris Robbins2:48

      This is the, this is the million dollar question.

   9. MRMel Robbins2:51

      Why?

   10. CRChris Robbins2:51

       For many people.

   11. MRMel Robbins2:52

       Why is this a million dollar question?

   12. CRChris Robbins2:53

       Because it, it points to a potential fork in the road where somebody is growing and somebody has outwardly chosen not to.

   13. MRMel Robbins3:08

       That's true. I am gonna attack this two ways. The first thing I'm gonna say is this. I once heard someone say the secret to a happy marriage is to marry someone who's happy. And the truth is, you cannot make another human being happy. You can make them a cup of coffee, you can make some reservations, you can make the bed that you both sleep in, but you cannot make someone else happy. You can also not change somebody or force someone to grow. And the best thing that you can do for

3. 3:45 – 5:20

   The Million Dollar Question for All Couples

   1. MRMel Robbins3:45

      your relationship is to stop focusing on what your partner is doing and focus on taking the actions that make you a better person, that make you a happier person. Invest in your own growth, because when you do that, you naturally bring it back to the relationship. And if you're with somebody who is not growing and you are growing, there will come a time where there's a fork in the road, because you're gonna start to probably resent the fact or judge the other person for the fact that they're not doing the work that you're doing. And interestingly, this is an entire section of the Let Them Theory book, an entire section, because there is a fundamental fact about human behavior, and it's this. People only change when they feel like it. And when you pressure another person to change or to grow in the ways that you are, your pressure doesn't create change, it creates resistance to change. And so, you're right, Chris, this is a conundrum, because the fork in the road is actually very simple. As you grow, if your partner isn't, there will come a time where you're not gonna question your commitment, you're gonna question your compatibility. And you're gonna start to ask yourself, "Can I be in a relationship with someone who is exactly as they are and not

4. 5:20 – 8:45

   Commitment vs. Compatibility in Your Relationship

   1. MRMel Robbins5:20

      willing to lean into life and grow?" So, think about it as two separate things. You should always, always, always be investing in your own growth and your own happiness, because the happier you are, the more happiness you're gonna bring into your relationship. But there may come a time where you start to question whether or not you're compatible, and that's a completely different thing.

   2. CRChris Robbins5:49

      I struggle with that because that does not actually... Uh, I don't see a difference between that and compatibility, because if you're committed to growth and development and you...You demonstrate that through your own actions, and you have the experience that your partner is not inspired by h- his or her own growth or development, and your actions are not rubbing off on that person, that points to a lack of compatibility.

   3. MRMel Robbins6:29

      Well, there's two things that may be at play, and this is why I would encourage you, if you're sitting here going, "This is becoming a lack of compatibility," have you even had the conversation? Have you sat down and talked about how their lack of interest in their own growth is impacting you? And if you haven't had the conversation, you need to, and you need to come at it from how it impacts you emotionally, how it makes you feel like you're not being supported, how you may be worried about them. The second thing I want you to understand is that when a person in a relationship starts to change and grow, it is extraordinarily confronting and scary to their partner. And I wanna share a personal story from our relationship that will really illustrate the reason why you have to have a conversation about what is really going on, in terms of how your partner is perceiving all of your growth and change. So a couple years ago, you decided, Chris, that you were gonna just stop drinking. And when you said you were gonna stop dr- drinking, which is an incredible form of personal growth, and it's a big change, positive change to make in your life, I was like, "Yay, you. Go be better. I love that for you. You are drinking too much. You're exactly right." And you never ever shamed me or made a request of me to stop drinking. You chose to do that for your growth, and I think that's an important point. He wasn't doing it for me, he was doing it for himself, because adults change when they feel like changing, and they change for themselves. So fast forward a couple days, Chris is not drinking at all, and you are the m- least dramatic person I know. You never complained, you never had a fuss about it, you just quietly, consistently showed up for yourself. So I'd say it was about the fourth day,

5. 8:45 – 12:08

   Mel’s Husband Went Sober, and This Happened

   1. MRMel Robbins8:45

      I'm cooking dinner and I open up the fridge and I open up a bottle of wine, because I love cooking dinner and I love cooking dinner with a glass of wine in my hand, and you walk in and I'm like, "Hey, would you like a glass of wine?" And you said no. And I was like, "Oh, come on. It's just a glass of wine." And you're like, "Mel, I'm not drinking." And then I'm like, "Well, it's kinda just like juice."

   2. CRChris Robbins9:08

      (laughs)

   3. MRMel Robbins9:08

      And you didn't think that was funny, and as I tell the story, I realize I look like a complete monster and jerk, because I am now not only making a joke about what you're trying to do, I'm actively undermining the change you're trying to make. And I'll never forget this. You looked me square in the eye, Chris, and you said... Do you remember what you said?

   4. CRChris Robbins9:33

      No.

   5. MRMel Robbins9:34

      You don't? This changed my life, what you said.

   6. CRChris Robbins9:38

      I got a couple o' things you've said to me that have changed my life, and you probably don't even know it yourself. (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins9:43

      L- that's true. That's true, I've never thought about that but... This is what you said, you said, "Mel, no one cares what's in your glass but you. Stop asking me if I want to have a drink. I have told you, I am not drinking." And then I think I was like, "Okay, okay, well I just feel kinda weird like having a glass of wine alone." And you said, "If you're self-conscious about what's in your glass, then you should be looking in the mirror and asking yourself why." And the point of this story is that when someone that you love changes, you in your mind understand that that's good, but as you see the person changing and growing and getting better, it forces you to take a look at your own behavior, and that is extraordinarily confronting. And I want you to understand this, because your partner may wanna grow, but they may be stuck in that mode where they don't feel like doing it yet. Any pressure, any shame, it is 1,000% going to push them away from you. And Chris did the best thing in the world, Chris just carried on, and you focused on what you wanted to change, and I'm gonna tell you something, your partner's behavior influences you. I said you cannot force someone else to change, I never said you couldn't influence 'em. Every time you wake up and you roll out of bed an hour and a half earlier than I do, I hear you get up, and it makes me think, "I should do that." Every time you go and you take the dogs on a loop, I think, "I should do that." And that's exactly what your partner is thinking, whether they're telling you that or not, and, you know, when you said, Chris, that it is a compatibility issue, it's true. At some point, if your partner doesn't ever feel like changing, like let's say you get sober, and you don't... It's just not gonna work for you, it's a deal breaker to be with somebody who drinks. That's okay. Only you know if you're in a situation based on your growth and your partner's lack of growth if you've gotten to a point where the road forks and this is a deal breaker. And

6. 12:08 – 16:52

   What To Do If The Person You Are With Never Changes

   1. MRMel Robbins12:08

      here's how you can tell if it's a deal breaker, 'cause I wrote an entire section about all this in The Let Them Theory.If the person never changes, they keep drinking, they never take care of their health, they never address the depression, they never speak to you kindly, can you continue to choose them and love them as they are? And the only way that you're gonna be able to answer that question is, can you end your complaining about it? If you can't end your complaining, this is a deal breaker. And based on the research in The Let Them Theory book, deal breakers are things that make you give up on your dreams and your values. But the vast majority of stuff that people kind of are frustrated about are not deal breakers at all. They're just differences in what people prioritize in their life. Is there anything else you wanna add?

   2. CRChris Robbins13:09

      I just wanna speak to anybody who might be on the other side who has not embarked on some of these changes, growth choices, what have you, because I think that when you are in a relationship where somebody takes off, it's easy to sometimes conclude that, "Oh, well, nothing I can do to catch up. Throw my arms up. Nah, I don't need to go learn that or try this new thing, or, or I can't." And I would just say to those people, there is, there is always a perfect time to make that choice, regardless of what your, your significant other may or may not have done.

   3. MRMel Robbins13:58

      This would be the perfect episode to send to your partner and open up this conversation, because what I've found is that people also tend to change when they're given the space to come to their own conclusions and feel like this was their decision, not their partner's decision. And this is super important because the other thing that happens is you start to feel like there's something wrong with you, which means you're gonna wanna defend yourself if you feel like somebody's trying to change you. It's- it's- it's part of human wiring. And so just to kinda close the loop on this, it is so great that you're growing. You have to have the conversation about how your partner feels and how their lack of interest in this is making you feel. And once you have that conversation and you also affirm that you love this person and you accept them as they are and you apologize for pressuring them and you ask for what you need for support, back off. Back off. You have to give someone else the space to work through their stuff and come to their own conclusions. And you'll know when you get to the point where it's a fork in the road and you're like, "I don't know if I can be with somebody who's like this." And that's when you're at the point where you're like, "Is this a deal breaker for me?" And only you know that. Ready for the next one?

   4. CRChris Robbins15:31

      Hey, Mel. Society and even family sometimes seems to put a lot of pressure on my marriage in ways I wasn't expecting. How do you and Chris deal with outside pressures like societal expectations or family opinions that might impact your relationship?

   5. MRMel Robbins15:46

      I got a quote for you. "A house divided cannot stand." What does that mean? It means, pressure from the outside cannot tear you and your partner apart. It's the cracks from within your relationship that do that. So, if outside pressure or family's opinions are getting to you and your spouse, that tells me that you two are not on the same page. You two need to get together and agree on what you value and what your parenting style is and why, and that's what creates a house that is together. And once you're together, there is nothing on the outside that can make you fall.

   6. CRChris Robbins16:30

      I would also say that if you haven't had that conversation, it's cool to sit together and actually consider, regardless of how many years you may be together, but what your values are and what the other person's values are, and why. And how are they or are

7. 16:52 – 18:45

   Skills For Healthy Relationships

   1. CRChris Robbins16:52

      they not even aligned? Because perception may not be reality there.

   2. MRMel Robbins16:58

      You know, one of the things in writing The Let Them Theory book that I realized when it comes to parenting and families is that when you and your partner decide what your values are and what your traditions are and what your parenting style and philosophy and approach is, it is going to be yours. And if it's different than what you grew up in, guess what? Your parents are gonna see that as some rejection of how they did it. They're gonna take it personally. It's natural. I think when our kids grow up and they have families of their own, if they do things differently, we'll probably have a little bit of like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh," because we know what we know. And so the other thing to consider is just understand that people are gonna have their opinions. Let them. Let them be a little bothered that you're doing things differently because they're now questioning the way they did things, right? And you and your partner get on the same page, and then there's room for both things to be true. There's room for the old traditions and the ways in which you both grew up, and then there's room for you two to come together and figure out how you're going to do it for your family. Super cool question. All right, I'll do the next one. Um...This one's from Sarah. "Hey, Mel, my spouse and I have been feeling a bit distance after having kids and moving to a new city. What advice would you give to couples who feel like they've started to drift apart, especially after a big life change?"

   3. CRChris Robbins18:34

      Carve out a dedicated moment in the week to do something either familiar or totally new, I would say. You and I have...

8. 18:45 – 21:55

   When Your Relationship Feels Off & Disconnected

   1. CRChris Robbins18:45

      We've been talking about getting back to doing a dance class together that we so loved doing 25 years ago.

   2. MRMel Robbins18:53

      (laughs) It's true.

   3. CRChris Robbins18:54

      But this is a good, uh, whether it's dedicated dinner, date, coffee, walk in the woods, whatever.

   4. MRMel Robbins19:03

      Hold the time in your calendar. Chris and I have just spent the last couple years having, like, a weekly therapy session, and the best part about it wasn't the therapy. It was the fact that we had a dedicated time in the calendar every week during the day once a week to come together and just pause and talk for 40 minutes about how we were doing. And you can create that for yourself. I'm not talking about a date night. I'm talking about holding space in your calendar, no phones, no children, no pets, just you two. And we also just moved to a brand new place. We lived outside of Boston for 26 years where we raised our kids for the most part, and then moved to a small town in Southern Vermont where we really didn't know a lot of people. And one of the things that we did is we made a point once a week to go try to explore something in our new area. You just moved to a new place, that's super cool. Find a new hike, try a new restaurant, explore a new neighborhood. These are all opportunities for you two to learn and laugh and grow together, which is super cool. Um, here's another one. Jessica, "I've been married for five years, and sometimes I just need space, but I don't want my spouse to feel like I'm pulling away. How do you and Chris set boundaries with each other when it comes to needing personal space or alone time?"

   5. CRChris Robbins20:23

      Well, I think first you gotta have a conversation about what constitutes alone time, what, what do you... What do you need, um, and what serves you. Not just what, what is alone time, but when do you need it and for how long? Uh, this isn't a problem for me, 'cause I figured out that I need alone time, and I carved it out with you, uh, and your understanding. Two to three hours in the morning, I get up super early and go do whatever my thing is, whether it's working out or being outside or being in the office. And I think the reason why that really works for me is because I laid that out for you, that I not only need it, this is what it gives for me, and also, please do not interrupt.

   6. MRMel Robbins21:16

      What I love about that is Chris has not negotiated for that and pulled time away from me. He claimed that for himself, and you can too. You can create a morning routine where you get alone time. And Chris is also really good about saying, "I need to take a couple nights out and go on a solo hike in the woods." And then he also, though, has the consideration to go, "When would it work?" And we work together on carving it out. And so, the really big takeaway here is, every single person in a relationship has needs. Never expect your partner to read

9. 21:55 – 29:05

   How to Set Better Boundaries With Your Partner

   1. MRMel Robbins21:55

      your mind, never expect your partner to just know what those needs are and when you need them. When you recognize your own needs and you respect yourself and your partner enough to be able to sit down and say, "Hey, this is something I need, this is why I need it, can we collaborate on when and how this is gonna work?" that's when you both win. Oh, this is a good one, Chris. Uh, this comes from Josh. "Hey, Mel and Chris, my wife and I don't always see eye to eye when it comes to parenting decisions. How do you two handle disagreements when it comes to raising your kids? Do you ever butt heads (laughs) on how to handle certain situations?" I'm laughing, Josh, 'cause if there's one thing we fight about more than anything else, what is it?

   2. CRChris Robbins22:42

      Our kids? No.

   3. MRMel Robbins22:44

      Why are you asking that? Th- uh, that, that's the only thing I fight with you about.

   4. CRChris Robbins22:49

      Yeah, I suppose, uh, right, about where they are or how close they are or far they are.

   5. MRMel Robbins22:54

      And how to approach situations, how to solve problems, how to support, and when to let them struggle. And I have anxiety that's easily triggered, so if there's a problem and one of our kids calls, I'm a yes person. I'm a jump in and fix it person, because it makes me anxious when one of our kids is struggling, even though I know that struggle is important and you gotta let 'em struggle, 'cause that's how you learn. But I'm quick to be like, "Okay, okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it," whereas you are way more grounded and way more patient. And we can give you some examples. This is... Uh, why don't you tell 'em what happened last night with our son?

   6. CRChris Robbins23:38

      Yeah, Oakley called us and we were talking about right now he's a freshman and he doesn't have a car in school, and nor do I think that he should have a car in school, certainly not in this first year. And, uh, I mean, it's a luxury in general, but he says, "Oh, well," you know, something about next semester, you know, "Maybe next semester I'll have the car." And Mel said, "Uh, great."

   7. MRMel Robbins24:07

      (laughs)

   8. CRChris Robbins24:07

      And I was walking by, I wasn't even barely on the phone call, I just heard it and thought, "Hang on, that's not great."

   9. MRMel Robbins24:15

      (laughs)

   10. CRChris Robbins24:15

       "That's not a good idea at all." Um, but what I have to say about that question, and even this thing that came up with Oakley, is that it occurred to me that, um...... while it seems like a simple thing to actually stop and reflect on why it is that I'm a no and you're a yes, and maybe consider that an extra two or three minutes of conversing about the difference that we have is gonna reveal something larger. Like, I'm not even sure why it is that I'm a no.

   11. MRMel Robbins24:51

       You just actually gave me a fantastic idea. I just had a huge epiphany, after 30 years of being with you.

   12. CRChris Robbins25:03

       Amen.

   13. MRMel Robbins25:05

       And it goes down to a deeper issue, which is, how do you and your partner solve problems? I am the kind of person that is extraordinarily decisive, because the unknown feels scary to me. And I create certainty, and I solve problems by just making a decision. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

   14. CRChris Robbins25:35

       Ready, fire, aim.

   15. MRMel Robbins25:37

       Correct.

   16. CRChris Robbins25:37

       We know you, Mel.

   17. MRMel Robbins25:38

       You, though, are the kind of person that stops and thinks. So I step the gas, you tap the brakes. And if you call me a yes and I call you a no, that's where that sort of house divided thing happens, and our kids use this to their advantage nonstop. They know that crack is there. Here's the breakthrough I just had-

   18. CRChris Robbins25:59

       Not just our kids, all kids.

   19. MRMel Robbins26:01

       But here's the breakthrough I just had. There's a tool that you could use if this is you and your partner, and it's not yes or no, it's maybe. That when you get asked a question by one of your kids, and your spouse is not there or you haven't had, as Chris calls it, your three-minute discussion about the deeper issue, say maybe. Say maybe. Because maybe isn't a yes or a no. It's a recognition that, "I gotta talk to your mom or dad, because you're right, I don't know why I said yes, and you don't know why you said no, but we get caught in this." And I'll give you another example. There was a period in our life where our, two of our kids had just extraordinarily acute anxiety, to the point where they couldn't sleep in their rooms. And we're talking sixth grade, that late, fourth grade, sixth, or somewhere in the sixth to fourth grade zone.

   20. CRChris Robbins26:59

       I don't know.

   21. MRMel Robbins26:59

       And it started where-

   22. CRChris Robbins27:00

       So whenever, whenev- (laughs) whenever the first one grew out of it-

   23. MRMel Robbins27:03

       Oh.

   24. CRChris Robbins27:04

       ... the second one rolled right in behind 'em. (laughs)

   25. MRMel Robbins27:06

       I'm telling you, there was, for three years, a train of pitter-pattering feet-

   26. CRChris Robbins27:12

       Longer than that.

   27. MRMel Robbins27:13

       ... that would come into our bedroom at night, and we're talking late into elementary school here. They had already been sleeping through the night, and then all of a sudden, anxiety hits and, and, you know, they'd come to my side of the bed 'cause Chris is a no and I'm a yes, and I would just lift up the sheets and they'd roll right in. And it ultimately got to the point where Chris and I did have that three-minute conversation, "How do we wanna handle this? What are we gonna do?" And neither one of us wanted to actually do what we should've done, which is march them back upstairs every single night, sit with them until they go to sleep, and then go back down. So, we just m- ended up making a bed on the floor of our room, and if they came down, that was our rule. "You can't get in bed with us, but you can sleep right there." And that is not parenting advice that I would recommend, I would recommend listening to a parenting expert-

   28. CRChris Robbins28:02

       (laughs)

   29. MRMel Robbins28:02

       ... but we got on the same page because we had the deeper conversation, and we looked at the options and we made a decision. We weren't willing to interrupt our sleep at that period in our lives to do the parenting that was necessary to walk them back up and force them to tolerate the discomfort and learn how to fall back asleep again. Lauren: "Hey, Mel and Chris, you guys have been together for a long time. How do you both manage to keep your individuality and personal interests alive while being in such a close marriage? I sometimes feel like I'm losing myself in my marriage." You wanna take that or you want me to?

   30. CRChris Robbins28:44

       No, let me hear what you have to say to that.
10. 29:05 – 34:48

    If You Feel Like You Are Losing Your Purpose, Try This

    1. MRMel Robbins29:05

       massive wake-up call that your purpose for the next six months needs to be bettering yourself. Whatever it takes to either improve your health, or improve your happiness, or improve your sleep, or carve out time to be creative again, to learn something new again, that's not your marriage's issue, it's yours. And your marriage will get way better when you start to focus on becoming a better version of yourself. Anything you'd add?

    2. CRChris Robbins29:43

       Yeah, just that, I mean, it, it's an excellent point and question when I think about even a lot of the men that I have spent time with who-

    3. MRMel Robbins29:56

       Can you give everybody a little ex-

    4. CRChris Robbins29:58

       So-

    5. MRMel Robbins29:58

       What, what do you mean, men you've spent time with?

    6. CRChris Robbins30:00

       I, I host a men's retreat called Soul Degree where, couple times a year, 12 of us circle up in a remote location and spend five days together, uh, diving into the things that matter, and often, one of those conversations revolves around, uh, our own needs and identifying our needs, and even to the point where...There are men who haven't taken the time to even identify what might be, let's say, a hobby that actually fuels them.

    7. MRMel Robbins30:39

       Hmm.

    8. CRChris Robbins30:40

       And so, this concept of keeping your individuality and your personal interests alive and looking after f- you is not always so intuitive for people, to be able to actually zoom out and say, "Okay, yeah, this..." Even if they're not thinking about, "How do I remain individual in my relationship?" It's the zoom out and sort of seeing or taking the time to determine, "These are things that I need for myself," which will naturally foster that- that sense of chasing your own interest.

    9. MRMel Robbins31:18

       Well, what ends up happening if you don't do what Chris is telling you to do, which is maybe you've never even asked yourself, "What do I need? What am I interested in? What are some things that I want to do with my life?" Because this may be a newsflash to you, but you were not put on this planet to just be somebody's spouse. And if you don't have a purpose for yourself, you will resent your marriage, because you'll blame your marriage for the fact that you don't have a purpose that is individual. And if you don't know what that purpose is, I will tell you what it is. It's making yourself your purpose, improving yourself, investing in yourself, uh, forming better habits, taking a class, spending time with your friends. If you make bettering yourself your sole purpose for the next six months, it will improve your marriage, 'cause you'll stop looking at your marriage as the solution to your unhappiness, and you'll see that you are always the source of your happiness, that you are the solution to any problem that you face. And when you get happier, and when you grow, you then bring all that back into the marriage.

    10. CRChris Robbins32:35

        (laughs) The guys out there are like, "Oh, okay, so now I should just go play 72 holes of golf." (laughs)

    11. MRMel Robbins32:41

        Yeah, within reason. You gotta- you gotta- but- but here's the thing, you-

    12. CRChris Robbins32:42

        Within reason, I was thinking, like-

    13. MRMel Robbins32:44

        ...but- but the- but here- here's the difference. That doesn't mean pack up your golf bags and drive away for the weekend.

    14. CRChris Robbins32:49

        No, of course.

    15. MRMel Robbins32:49

        It means sitting down with your partner and going, "I've realized something. I've really lost myself in my role as my sp- as a spouse and as a parent, and I, in the next six months, am gonna do some work to try to improve myself and focus a little bit on my health and my happiness, and I wanna do that because I want our relationship to get better. And one thing that I've really missed is being able to play golf on the weekends with my friends. I'm lonely. I- would it be okay if I- if I take off Saturday and I'm gone all day?" Your spouse would be like, "Oh my God, please, because you're driving me crazy and you're sad and I would love to see you happy again." But there's that consideration of once you understand your needs, communicate. Communicate. All right, here's a great question from Anna. "Hey, Mal and Chris, I feel like unmet expectations in my relationship often lead to resentment, which is hard to shake. How do you guys handle disappointments or unmet expectations with each other without letting them build into something bigger?" Ooh, I love this question. Unmet expectations, they rise in all forms. It could be feeling like the amount of effort that you're both putting in isn't equal. It might be expectations about money and how much you're contributing financially or whether or not you're ambitious and going after it or going after that bigger job. It might be something like, uh, that we've struggled with, which is this kind of disconnect on birthdays and celebrating and holidays. And for me, at the source of every moment where I've either been disappointed in you or I've had unmet expectations

11. 34:48 – 38:15

    Why You Feel Disappointment in Your Relationship

    1. MRMel Robbins34:48

       that left me feeling either angry or disappointed, the truth is, there was a utter lack of communication on my part about what I wanted and why. It's not that you disappointed me. It's that I disappointed and let myself down because I didn't identify and ask for what I needed. Nobody can meet your expectations if they don't know what they are, and that's not your partner's responsibility to mind read. It's yours to open your mouth and actually communicate clearly what you need and why you need it. If you do that and then your partner doesn't do it, now you can be disappointed.

    2. CRChris Robbins35:35

       Yeah, but I remember a time when I didn't- I didn't meet your birthday expectations.

    3. MRMel Robbins35:43

       Which was actually throwing a party.

    4. CRChris Robbins35:45

       Exactly, that's- well, that's precisely what you-

    5. MRMel Robbins35:47

       Throw me a party.

    6. CRChris Robbins35:49

       But you didn't communicate that. So...

    7. MRMel Robbins35:52

       Here we go, 'cause I'm like, "What kind of a moron doesn't know that you want a party on your birthday?"

    8. CRChris Robbins35:55

       Well, and I'm just, I'm saying that to illustrate a point, which is that often there is, uh, the missed opportunity to communicate that, or just, to your point, not even thinking, "Well, I don't need to tell them that. Of course I want a party and I wanna make sure there's 100 people there and a massive cake and balloons and confetti and the rest of it." But, uh, your point is well taken, which is, communicate what you need or want.

    9. MRMel Robbins36:24

       And I wanna be responsible that when I quipped, "What kind of a moron doesn't know that?" That was me 10 years ago. That's what unmet expectations and resentment sounds like.That's what will kill your relationship, death by a thousand cuts. "What is he, a moron? What is she, out to lunch?" (babbles) That sort of energy and tone is what fuels these just cracks in an otherwise solid foundation. And you're right. That wasn't on you, it was on me, 'cause I had never even explained that this mattered to me. I just sat there silently, and was mad at you that you didn't just know. And that's a really important thing to take away from this question in particular, which is, don't ever assume that your partner knows. Instead, take responsibility for making sure they do know what you need and why you need it, which makes them way more empowered to be able to rise up and act like the partner that you really want and need in life. Like, the more that I've told you what I need, you're like, "Oh, that's easy. This is a heck of a lot easier if you just give me a list than sitting there resenting me, wishing I had somehow known this."

    10. CRChris Robbins37:45

        Yeah, and I think when it, when it deals with things that you and I need as individuals, that's one thing. But this conversation also makes me think about how complex this can be when it comes to the- the- the question about parenting issues and how do you resolve that, and, because those are expectations that you would have otherwise never talked about before or assumed. I remember when once I, the first time that a kid of ours could get his- hi-

12. 38:15 – 44:10

    How to Handle Unmet Expectations With Your Partner.

    1. CRChris Robbins38:15

       hi- herself home, in my mind, by, like, a tax- "Oh, we'll just send a taxi to the airport," or what have you, you were, y- y- you nearly died. You were like, "Are you out of your mind? No, no, no, we're driving to the airport. We're gonna go pick that person up. That's how we do it." And again, that was, didn't even occur to me, 'cause I always had, my parents were sending taxis for me to the airport (laughs) , so. But this-

    2. MRMel Robbins38:43

       I've got a lot to say about that, by the way.

    3. CRChris Robbins38:45

       This-

    4. MRMel Robbins38:45

       Not only to-

    5. CRChris Robbins38:46

       (laughs)

    6. MRMel Robbins38:46

       ... your parents, but also, uh, to your therapist. Uh, this is a, this is a really important nuance. So, one of our kids was flying home from college, and Chris was like, "Oh, we'll just send an Uber." I'm like, "What planet do you live on? Send an Uber to get your kid when they're f- W- what?"

    7. CRChris Robbins39:06

       But I'm talking about dealing with that expectation real time, which is often the way in which these things get flushed out, and it did in that conversation.

    8. MRMel Robbins39:15

       And here's the bigger thing. My lived experience was, "We're a pick-you-up-at-the-curb airport family. In fact, if we can get good parking, we'll come inside and wait for you." That is a show of love. You lived in London and outside of New York City for most of your life, and your dad was always traveling, and so taxis were kind of a way of life, and you were simply making a decision out of your lived experience. It's what you knew. And by the way, same with me. And a lot of times, that's also where this disconnect in expectations come from, that I just expect you to do things the way that I've always done them, and you do the same, and this is the greatest opportunity. You get to co-create your relationship. The whole point of the relationship is not to turn each other into each other. It's not to jam your expectations or way of doing things down someone else's throat. It's to come together and to learn from each other, and to take the time to understand where the other person is coming from, and then figure out together what you're gonna do from there. And what I've learned from this conversation is I'm gonna start saying "maybe" a whole lot more when our kids are asking us about anything. Anything else you want to add, hon?

    9. CRChris Robbins40:37

       Just that I love you, and I love your comment about co-creating, because you could, you can fall in and out of that process of feeling like, "Hey, we can create this however we want." Uh, there- there's something very inspiring and freeing about knowing that every day you get up, whether it's a parenting issue or what you and I are dealing with, and can start over.

    10. MRMel Robbins41:03

        I also think that the, um, cool thing about stopping and understanding what's underneath it, it allows you to understand what to give more weight to. Like, if the deeper reason is really deep for you, then I'm gonna always defer to you, and you do that with me. And, you know, there's one other thing that I wanna share, and it's this. I recently heard somebody say that second marriages are amazing, especially when they're with the same person. And I love that, because every day that you wake up, you have an opportunity to create a second marriage with the same person, and that's the power of understanding that your marriage is this organic thing that grows over time as you both grow, and there's always something that you can learn, in any crisis, any question, any decision, if you're willing to not lean away from each other, but to lean into each other. I love you, Chris Robbins.

    11. CRChris Robbins42:10

        I love you, too.

    12. MRMel Robbins42:11

        And I love these questions. If you have other questions that you want Chris and I to answer, or any other topics you want us to cover, just go to melrobbins.com/podcast and you'll see a form there. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for, uh, asking such important and really, I think, profound and relevant questions that we're all kinda grappling with. Thank you for being here together with us. And I wanna make sure, in case no one else tells you this, to tell you that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life, and there's no doubt in my mind that when you both figure out what you need and you really work on making yourself happy and a better version of yourself, and you bring that back into your relationships, those relationships are just gonna get better and better and better and better. And one thing that would make it better, share this episode with your partner and listen together, 'cause I think it's gonna spark a lot of things to talk about, and when that happens, it always brings you together. All righty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode. (instrumental music plays) And thank you for being here with us on YouTube. Thank you for watching all the way to the end. I just love, love, love spending time together with you. Thank you for submitting questions. Um, the questions were awesome, and I wanna be doing more and more and more QA and live coaching and stuff here on YouTube, so keep 'em coming, 'cause that's coming in the future. And I know you're thinking, "Well, what can I watch next?" First, I gotta ask you, could you hit subscribe? It's the only way I know that you truly value the videos that my team and I are putting out. It supports us in continuing to do that. I know you're the kind of person who loves supporting people who support you, so thank you in advance for hitting subscribe. All righty, next video, you're gonna wanna check out this one.

Episode duration: 44:10