The Mel Robbins Podcast“The Secret of a Happy Relationship…” the Best Advice That I Have Received
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
110 min read · 22,192 words- 0:00 – 3:54
Intro
- MHMatthew Hussey
Dating culture today for so many people sucks, and it is hard to find love. It's the one area where we feel like we're out of control.
- MRMel Robbins
How do you change it? What's the biggest mistake that you think people make in relationships?
- MHMatthew Hussey
I think we can start to think we know everything there is to know about our partner, that there is nothing new going on in that head of theirs. We know it all. And we certainly don't know it all. We only know what they're telling us, and usually what they're telling us is a reflection of the kinds of questions we're asking them, and we might have stopped asking them questions 10 years ago 'cause we assume we know it all. You have to find ways to make life fresh to you so that you can stay fresh for your partner. Read, engage in a new activity or a new hobby or something that inspires you. Because we stop growing in our lives and because we stop doing things that keep life fresh for us, we now bring a very stagnant, staid version of ourselves to the relationship. We have nothing new to bring to the conversation at dinner, because when was the last time we got a brand-new idea or we read something or engaged with something that made us think differently?
- MRMel Robbins
That's good. (clock ticking) All right. I'm so glad you're here. It's Mel, and today's episode is for you. Whether you're single, dating, married, divorced, you got some situationship thing going on that you don't even know how to describe it, you're trying to figure things out as you're hooking up with people, you don't know where you stand, you're confused, you're feeling used, you're somewhere in between, today, you and I are gonna sort it all out. Now, I've been married to Chris for over 28 years, and we've got three adult kids who are all navigating the modern dating world. And having never had to experience online dating, when I thought, "Okay, I'm gonna answer relationship questions," I thought, "I better call in a heavy hitter to be my co-pilot in answering your questions today so that I can handle the continuum on one end and I got somebody that can handle the crazy world that is modern dating." And so let me tell you a little bit about my co-pilot today, Matthew Hussey. Matthew is a buddy of mine. He's also a New York Times bestselling author, and he's been helping people for more than 17 years to feel more confident and in control of their relationships. More than three million people turn to Matthew for relationship advice on his YouTube channel, which is completely dedicated to helping you create a better love life. And so Matthew and I are gonna tag-team your questions, and my team has sourced your most asked questions from your fellow listeners around the world. They have come to our inbox, our website, social media, and trust me, whether you are in a loving relationship right now or you have sworn off relationships altogether, there is something here for you. You are gonna relate to every single question, and you are gonna get something from every single answer, and so will everybody that you love, so make sure you share this with everyone 'cause they're gonna love it too. All righty, are you ready? I know I am. Let's go down to the Boston studios for this incredible conversation with me, you, and Matthew Hussey. Let's do this. I think what I wanna do, because you've been advising people on how they can get into successful long-term relationships for 17 years, I wanna focus our conversation, I think, on what you've learned-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... about successful long-term relationships, how to get in one, what are the attributes, and then I wanna have a conversation about how you want people to think when they're single and navigating the dating world. So as you think about the just volume of people that you've helped, you have seen it all in relationships.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- 3:54 – 6:40
The biggest mistake most people make in relationships.
- MHMatthew Hussey
- MRMel Robbins
What's the biggest mistake that you think people make in relationships?
- MHMatthew Hussey
One of them is thinking that the things that your partner is and does that are wonderful are normal by the time you have been experiencing them for a long time.
- MRMel Robbins
Wait, what? What do you mean?
- MHMatthew Hussey
The things that your partner does that are actually wonderful-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- MHMatthew Hussey
... the things that they do that are their special qualities, the things that make your life better, more joyful, more magical, easier, the things that support you, all those little things that are magic, you start to think those are just normal things that, that you, that are to be expected or that anyone would do in a relationship because you've had so much distance (laughs) from any other relationship that your memory now has nothing to compare it to. People have a rude awakening very often when they go and date someone else and they realize all the things that were wonderful about their partner were not normal. They were wonderful things about their partner. We do that in all of life. Human beings, i- in some ways, one of our greatest traits is that we're able to normalize things.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Like, you know, we can go as, as an entire world during a pandemic, we can, like, normalize radically new conditions in ways that are truly inspirational, but it actually gets mutated into a very bad effect sometimes in relationships and in other areas of life where that normalization of what is wonderful can make us think that it's normal.
- MRMel Robbins
I freaking love that you went here because I think what we do when we seek relationship advice is we're so focused on what's wrong with this person, why did it go cold, how come we've grown distant, and what you're saying is one of the big mistakes that we actually make, is we lose sight of the fact that there's so many things that are going right and you take it for granted.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Is that what you're saying?
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yeah. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Look at anyone who, like...... fly is in a fancy seat on the plane.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- MHMatthew Hussey
If they do it for long enough, it- they don't even think it's a fancy seat anymore. They (laughs) they just- they'll find a new complaint with that.
- MRMel Robbins
I keep thinking about the fact that, yeah, if you've ever been upgraded and you sit up front, it is like going to Disney World.
- MHMatthew Hussey
You won't go to sleep-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
... 'cause you're like, "I have to enjoy all of this. I have to try the little hand cream and I have to do the teeth, I have to brush my teeth with the te- like, airplane toothbrush." You wanna- you can't sleep, it's so exciting.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- MHMatthew Hussey
And people do that with partners. It's you- you ha- you may have someone who has truly extraordinary things, you just don't know they're extraordinary anymore because it's your life.
- 6:40 – 8:30
Did you stop doing this with your partner?
- MHMatthew Hussey
- MRMel Robbins
Whoa.
- MHMatthew Hussey
I think we can start to think we know everything there is to know about our partner, that there is nothing new going on in that head of theirs, we know it all, and we certainly don't know it all. We may- we only know what they're telling us and usually what they're telling us is a reflection of the kinds of questions we're asking them, and we might have stopped asking them questions 10 years ago, 'cause we assume we know it all. But we may know them from 10 years ago. We don't necessarily know them today if we don't ask the right questions. And so I- I'm constantly thinking. I don't think there's any one answer for this, uh, and it's certainly not a tip from Cosmopolitan about a new toy for the bedroom, "That's the thing that's gonna change the whole game." It's- it's wha- you know, how do you- how do you start to stand back from your partner and see them as an enigma again? That, to me, is one of the most beautiful things you can do. Proust, uh, said, "The journey of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes." And if you think about it, when someone has an affair, they're seeking a new landscape, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
But when you can start to see your partner with newness, you're seeing them with new eyes. If you can bring newness, you're giving them a chance to see you with new eyes. The question becomes, what are some of the ways you can do that? And the beautiful part is there's not one answer to that. It can be organic to you and the ways you can create newness for yourself in your relationship.
- MRMel Robbins
How do you change it?
- MHMatthew Hussey
I think you have to keep growing. I- I- I really believe that you- you have to find ways to make life fresh to you so that you can stay fresh for your partner. Um, it- the- the more you read, the more you engage in a new activity or a- a new hobby or something that inspires
- 8:30 – 11:00
You have to do this to keep your relationship fresh.
- MHMatthew Hussey
you. You know, I- I- I- I could at this point after- I've been coaching people in their love lives for 17 years, I could say I know enough to just now do this for the rest of my life without learning another thing. But- and that might be true, but it would become stale for me, and then I would become stale for my audience. The thing that keeps me fresh for other people is that I stay fresh for myself (laughs) . I- I do the reading and I- and I look at what's going on and I have conversations with people and so then I come back with an idea that feels new. I- it may be something I've said a thousand times, but the way I just thought about it because of the thing that I just read, it feels new to me and if it feels new to me, I'm gonna m- convey that in a way that's fresh to you. And I think in our relationships, we- because we stop growing in our lives and because we stop doing things that keep life fresh for us, we now bring a very stagnant, staid version of ourselves to the relationship. We have nothing new to bring to the conversation at dinner because when was the last time we got a brand new idea or we read something or engaged with something that made us think differently?
- MRMel Robbins
One of my big takeaways already and maybe it's age because I'm 55 years old and you're younger than me and you asked this question about what have you done lately to grow, and I certainly grew up in a generation where it was all about finding somebody and so much of it was about the search out there and what do I need to do to attract that person, to find that person, the presumption being that that person out there is somehow going to come back over here and make my life more interesting, my life more amazing. And I think I've already just had this a-ha, for every one of you listening and for all of the people that you love that you're gonna send this to, that the single most important thing, whether you're single and you're listening to this or you are in a relationship and you wanna make it better, is that it begins with you understanding what you're bringing to the table and you looking at your own growth and what you're bringing either to your life as a single person or to the relationship as a person in a committed relationship. Is that a fair takeaway?
- MHMatthew Hussey
It's everything. It's everything. I- I- I don't want to jump too far ahead of ourselves-
- MRMel Robbins
Go for it.
- MHMatthew Hussey
... when I say this, but there's- when you say that, what it brings up for me is when we
- 11:00 – 14:35
This is a major reason for infidelity.
- MHMatthew Hussey
feel like we're not interesting, when we have the insecurity of someone who feels like they're not enough, um, they're not cool, they haven't got a great life, they're not an interesting person, we go looking for that person who has those attributes.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
And so what we do now is we- we go into our love lives driven by ego. Not the ego of "I'm so great," but the- the ego of, "I'm not- I'm not great. I'm not enough, so I need to find someone who's gonna make me feel that way." And we often end up looking for these very superficial markers of someone else's impressiveness, what makes them great. When you truly feel like you're enough, you don't actually feel the need to go in search of those kind of egoic things. You- you know, you're not, let's say, worried that is this person I'm bringing home someone that is gonna impress my friends?...are they gonna look good on my arm?
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Are they gonna look good on Instagram? Are they... Like, you don't care about that. You care, "Do they make me happy?" You start focusing on how they make you feel, not how they make you look. And that's a huge distinction because so many people go out into their love lives worrying about how someone's gonna make them look. And that's all driven by ego because we don't feel like we're enough. It's no different to the playground at school. If you didn't think you were cool, the last person you wanted to be seen with was another person who was un-cool.
- MRMel Robbins
That's true.
- MHMatthew Hussey
You were like, "You... I, if I hang around you, I'm gonna get found out."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Yes, we're both screwed.
- MHMatthew Hussey
(laughs) Yeah. So I need to hang around with people that I can disguise myself from, and other people might by association think I'm cool too. So again, at school, we looked for all these silly superficial markers of popularity, status, looks, what... They were captain of this or whatever it may be, so that we could feel by association like we were somebody. Now if you just carry that forward as many people do into their love lives, you keep looking for all of those superficial markers that are gonna, by association, make you look like the person you've always wanted to look like. When you work on yourself, it's a very freeing thing 'cause you're now... You don't... I'm not looking for you to be a certain kind of good-looking or a certain kind of height or figure or this or that or money or status or lifestyle, whatever. I don't care about you being any of those things. I've got me. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Like I already feel good enough, so I don't need you for those things. What I want is someone I have an extraordinary time with. What I want is someone who s- is someone who sees me. What I want someone is, is someone I feel at home with. Those are the things that we start looking for. It's a very different thing we look for when we feel like we're already taken care of.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, what I love that you said, and I wanna take a giant highlighter and make sure that as you're listening to this that you got this, which is too many of us are obsessed with what does the person make me look like. And so if I'm with this person, what does it look like? Versus how does this person make me feel? And so that's another takeaway in terms of the mistakes that we're making.
- MHMatthew Hussey
And here's, here's something I think a lot of people will relate to. I always think about... This is maybe a crude analogy, but I always think I am the house that I live in.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- MHMatthew Hussey
When
- 14:35 – 19:15
Your committed relationship is a comfortable home and not a hotel room.
- MHMatthew Hussey
I go to a hotel, if it's a fancy, lovely hotel, I love the room, oh my god, I love the view, I never think of it as my status or my value or my anything. I'm like, "I'm renting this room for a night."
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MHMatthew Hussey
This isn't... This doesn't belong to me.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- MHMatthew Hussey
It's not my hotel.
- MRMel Robbins
Are we about to talk about one-night stands? Is that where we're going right now?
- MHMatthew Hussey
No. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. Well, you said-
- MHMatthew Hussey
No, no, no.
- MRMel Robbins
... renting for a night.
- MHMatthew Hussey
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I'm like, "What's happening, Matthew?" (laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
But I think of it as this is like I'm just going to experience this and enjoy it for what it is.
- MRMel Robbins
Got it.
- MHMatthew Hussey
But I can't take it home with me. It's not mine. M- I... My home is my home. Where I go back to every night-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- MHMatthew Hussey
That's my home. H- You know, the, the picture that I hang on mine and my wife's wall that is a beautiful picture, that actually exp- that affects my life every single day.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- MHMatthew Hussey
The hotel that I stay in is irrelevant. It's just a nice experience. And I think we have to, to some extent start seeing when we're with someone that we think is really impressive or has amazing traits, is very charismatic, is sexy, is all of these things that we get drawn to, that this is not our value. It's something we're enjoying, it's something we're experiencing, but we are the home that we go back to every night. The work we do on ourselves, the work we do to make ourselves a resilient person in this life, a wise person in this life, a, a person, uh, uh, who's giving in this life, who has connections and love, that's our home. It's not the value that this person brings us. There are so many people in relationships that when they lose the person, they think they've lost their value-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
... because they started to think th- my, my value is this value on the outside. And I don't think you can ever get the two confused.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I like that you have a visual because when you fall for somebody, obviously there is so much chemistry and attraction and lust and sex and all of the amazing stuff that goes down when there is a new relationship and the chase is on and it's super exciting. And it can feel like a sexy, amazing hotel room. And so we can all put ourselves there. The sheets are fantastic, and the coffee is so good. And you can pull down the blinds and get an amazing night's sleep. And oh my god, and you can start to imagine what if my own bedroom felt like this? But when the date is over, you know how you feel when you're back at home and whether or not you've just been with somebody that makes you feel more of yourself or whether or not you then go back to where you are at your home when you're alone and you start to question, "Did I say the right thing? Did I not do that? Are they gonna call me? Ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne."
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And I also love the analogy because I've been a- I've been asked a lot since Chris and I have been married for 28 years, they're like, "Well, how do you know?" Like, and I'm like, "I don't know, you just feel like yourself."
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And so it's almost as if that right person, even though it might kinda be fun for a minute to feel like it's like a fancy hotel room, it actually very quickly just starts to feel like home.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And what you're saying is too many of us get swept up in the feeling of all that shiny shit. And then when that's over-...we think it means there's something wrong with us.
- MHMatthew Hussey
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And you're saying, "No, no, no, you're fine, you were just in a hotel room."
- 19:15 – 24:05
What does a love story look like to you?
- MHMatthew Hussey
kind of obsessed about how we tell love stories to ourselves and what we define as a love story. Like, what qualifies? (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I don't know. That you make it? I don't know.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Well, that's-
- MRMel Robbins
What d- what defines it is a love story?
- MHMatthew Hussey
...well, that's, well, that's, that's interesting, right? 'Cause if you take half the movies we see, they definitely don't make it.
- MRMel Robbins
It's true.
- MHMatthew Hussey
But we call them love stories. And it can get quite dangerous. If you take Titanic, like, there's something a little odd about watching a woman who's nearly 100 years old still dreaming about and thinking about a relationship that wasn't even a relationship with a guy that she met on a boat and was with for about five days. Like, it's, it's an interesting thing when you look at it that way. I was on... I've, I experience these stories in real life in my work all the time. I was on TV in the morning. A caller called in, a woman in her 70s, and she said, "I can't get over this guy that I date, that I was with," or dated, wasn't even, like, a 10-year marriage. "I dated on and off." And I said, "Well, when did it end?" She said, "Well, he stopped calling me 30 years ago."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Oh my gosh.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Now, is that a love story?
- MRMel Robbins
Maybe? I don't know.
- MHMatthew Hussey
So does it qualify? I, and by the way, I-
- MRMel Robbins
I think it probably does. I mean, well, but, so, I, so my brain li-
- MHMatthew Hussey
So, s-
- MRMel Robbins
...I can't wait to hear what you have to say 'cause I'm immediately like, well she's been telling herself this story for 30 years-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Correct.
- MRMel Robbins
...and your brain doesn't know the difference between the reality and what you've been telling it.
- MHMatthew Hussey
That's right. And, and y- and the amount you've told it to yourself and the way you've told it to yourself has given that story a level of importance that it probably, in her case almost certainly, should never have had. So then you say, okay, we need to start changing how we tell ourselves love stories.
- MRMel Robbins
We have a ton of questions about compromise and how to weigh the proper compromises in a relationship. So we have this great question from Carmen who wrote in, "Can you talk about the difficulty of compromise in partnerships without giving up yourself? I've had a longtime partner for 14 years. We've been together since we were 16, but I've been working in Europe for the last two years, and the long-distance relationship worked really well. Uh, they supported me, we saw each other regularly, I never felt happier during my time abroad, I felt like I'd found myself over there. I didn't wanna go back, but ultimately decided to go back because I felt like my partner wasn't doing well without me and they didn't wanna move to Europe. Now I'm in a situation where I'm trying to find a compromise, looking for remote jobs to be able to work from anywhere, and figuring out a way where we can both be happy. Any advice on how much compromise is good/bad without forgetting who you are as an individual?"
- MHMatthew Hussey
So there you have a compatibi- compatibility issue in the way that two people wanna live their lives, right? Even if you share many of the same values, even if you have an incredible time when you're together, if you have a different vision for your future or a completely different vision for the present, then that's still a compatibility issue. I think we have to get out of this idea that someone can be the right person even when the way they wanna live their life or h- the way they see their future is completely different to the way we wanna live ours or see our future. That doesn't make them, oh, you know, right person, wrong time, right person, wrong circumstances. I think the right person has to be both right and ready. I think the right person has to be someone who, whose values we love and also wants the same life as us. I don't f- I don't believe in this idea that you have the right person who just, if it were only a parallel universe...
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
...where they loved Europe and wanted to be there and live there and weren't close to their family back home and didn't... then it would be perfect. I, I don't... Th- that's science fiction. So I think we have to look at the reality of what we have instead of what we would like to be, because anything else is science fiction. W- when I hear this question, I go, i- it's tough because it sounds like there's a lot that's right with the relationship.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
But you, right now, your dreams are taking you to Europe and a job that you really enjoy, and this person doesn't wanna come to Europe. Now, firstly, that re- that deserves ultimate compassion for the person who doesn't wanna come to Europe.
- MRMel Robbins
Of course.
- MHMatthew Hussey
(laughs) That's not their dream.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- MHMatthew Hussey
It's not their life. It's, they didn't choose th- they didn't choose to have a partner who decided to move miles and miles
- 24:05 – 27:25
Stop looking at your relationship like a fiction novel.
- MHMatthew Hussey
away from home. So-It, you know, that requires a level of compassion and humility to say, "I think this about entrepreneurs all the time." Whenever entrepreneurs complain that their partner doesn't get it, "I'm working all hours of the day and I just have this dream and my partner doesn't get it," I'm like, "Yeah, no shit."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
What, do you... They didn't sign up for this. They didn't choose this. It's not their dream. Like, there's something selfish about that dream. Own it.
- MRMel Robbins
Right. Right.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Like, it's okay. I've been there. I'm an entrepreneur. I get it. But don't turn it into something noble that your partner doesn't get. It's not their dream. If they suddenly had a dream that meant they were never around and they were stressed all the time and they didn't bring you good energy in the evenings, and even on weekends they were kinda not present, and, you know, what would you be saying? It's, it, we, we lack humility in those situations and I think this comes back down to another hard conversation, is, look, I've got a person I really value. How much do I value this person? Do I value them enough to try and find a job that I'm passionate about back where we're from? Or when I'm honest with myself, if I'm really, really honest with myself, maybe it brings up a tremendous amount of guilt for me.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Maybe it makes me feel selfish, maybe it makes me feel, uh, shame. But maybe, if I'm honest, if I don't get this out of my system, I'm never gonna be ready for that and I might have to end up being ready for it with another person, but at least I will have done this thing and pursued this thing that's really important to me right now. And, and that's life is about choices. Like, it just is. We wish it wasn't, but it just is.
- MRMel Robbins
That's interesting, 'cause the question's about compromise, and yet you're bringing it back to the personal responsibility to make a choice that you're not going to resent somebody else for. Because I think that's the other thing we don't talk about, which is, it's noble to cr- compromise, but not if you are going to die on the sword and be silently resentful of somebody that you're with-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... because, quote, "They made you do something," that they held you back when you didn't have the courage to seek the clarity about what you valued more-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... and the timing of your life.
- MHMatthew Hussey
It might be. By the way, he says, "Hey, you, two more years, I could do this." Or he might say, "One more year, I can do this, but I can't do it after that." And she needs to be really honest with herself about whether a year's gonna be enough. It, there might be the compromise, or the compromise is, "You know what? I'm gonna come home and I'm gonna find something that I can do that I enjoy back home, but I'm gonna lean in... If I do that, then I'm really gonna lean into that and make..." You've always gotta be prepared in life to make the n- Plan B the new Plan A. Turn Plan B into the new Plan A. What you can't do is continue to see it as Plan B, 'cause that's where the resentment comes from.
- MRMel Robbins
What about some of the smaller things that trip relationships up? It's things like your partner plays video games all the time and it drives you crazy.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Your partner just wants to watch golf or whatever on the weekend. Um, you,
- 27:25 – 30:20
Here’s what to say to your partner when their habits are the opposite of yours.
- MRMel Robbins
uh, are a, a morning person and you love to get up and get to the gym, and this is a person who's a night owl and sleeps in until 11:00. And how do you know, you know what I mean, when it's compatibility versus...
- MHMatthew Hussey
Is it that you want them to be like you, or is it that your needs aren't getting met?
- MRMel Robbins
How do you know?
- MHMatthew Hussey
Well, ask yourself, is there some... Th- them playing video games, is it costing me something crucial that I feel I'm not getting in the relationship as a result? Or am I just mad that they're not like me?
- MRMel Robbins
That's good.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Because if it's costing you something crucial, like one of your needs, then you absolutely better have the conversation, and the conversation (laughs) is something akin to, "I respect and I love that you have something that you love doing with your time, but you're doing it so much that I'm not getting what I need in the relationship, and I wanna support you in this thing that you really enjoy doing, but I also wanna feel supported and I wanna feel like this relationship gives me what I need, the same way I wanna show up for you and give you what you need. So by the way, after this conversation, let's talk about what you need. But right now, the thing that I need the most is, is quality time and I'm not getting that because of XYZ." You can say that, but is it about you not getting your needs met or is it about the fact that you don't like that they're not like you? Which is a more interesting question because it gets into the territory of do we need our partner to be like us in certain ways? Where is that coming from? And I think that's a, uh, that we can talk about that, but I think that's interesting territory.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I definitely wanna talk about that too, but I can give a couple examples and I think your distinction's very helpful.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Because it made me realize, um, why these two examples matter. So the first one is that, you know, Chris and I have been together for a long time, but he recently, uh, went away on a ski trip with our son and I didn't go. It wasn't supposed to be a boys' trip, but I literally was like, "You know what? I don't wanna go skiing for a week. (laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
"I don't really like skiing. I think I'd rather be home alone and do a staycation without anybody home, thank you very much." And the reason why that was actually super cool is because Chris's needs and my needs are getting met in other ways. So I didn't need to take a trip with him to get the connection, you know, that you often will get when you take-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... time and go away together.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And so it didn't feel like it was taking anything away. In fact, it was kind of additive. Versus...And here's the example where I did change. Um,
- 30:20 – 33:15
Mel’s husband, Chris, hated every time Mel did this.
- MRMel Robbins
I have very bad ADHD, and I have this habit when cardboard boxes come of stacking them up by the door because we live, you know, in the state where you gotta flatten 'em, and I hate flattening them. I get, like, all kinds of paper cuts, and I just... I don't know why I don't like to do it, but I don't like to do it. So Chris hates that I stack these things up, and he would yell at me all the time. "Can't you just..." (babbles) . And then I, of course, when he would yell at me about doing that... Well, not really yell, but just, like, "For crying out loud, can't you just do it?" I would then defend myself. "I'm so busy, you know, I'm traveling." (babbles) "Can't you just do this? I mean, for crying out... What else..." (babbles) . And so we'd get into this standoff. And it wasn't until he sat me down and had the conversation, "Listen. I get that you have ADHD. I get that you're tired. I get that you work long hours. I get that you do a ton of things. But let me tell you something. Every time I see that stacked like a little, uh, kind of pyramid for me waiting, like a gift from you, it makes me feel like you think I'm your maid."
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
What I realized at a very profound level is that when he explained how my behavior made him feel, it made me realize that his need to be seen and taken care of and acts of service were not being met-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... over and over and over again, even though he asked. And that's what motivated me to change my behavior.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm the best cardboard box flattener on the planet, Matt.
- MHMatthew Hussey
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Um, but that's a really-
- MHMatthew Hussey
That's beautiful.
- MRMel Robbins
... important thing because I think in these small moments where we're either forcing someone to be like us, which I don't think you should be doing, or you have an opportunity to express that there's a deeper need behind why you want somebody to actually load the dishwasher or move the stuff from the washer to the dryer, that if you can express the deeper need, now you're strengthening the connection-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... versus fighting with somebody over something.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yeah. That's exactly right. You're giving, and you're giving someone in a relationship a real gift and an opportunity to give you something that, that may not be rational. And by the way, that's okay. How many things do we need in life that are not rational?
- MRMel Robbins
It's true.
- MHMatthew Hussey
You know? It's, it's a, it's a, it's a beautiful thing sometimes to just understand that this is important to my partner, and it's worth showing up for them in this way even if it doesn't make sense to me. But that only works in two people who are a genuine team, where it feels like that kind of generosity of spirit goes both ways.
- MRMel Robbins
Do you have a strategy for how you know if something's a deal breaker? Because I do think a lot of people don't
- 33:15 – 40:30
What should be a dealbreaker in a relationship?
- MRMel Robbins
truly understand what is a deal breaker and what's just something you need to be more flexible about. So in the case of the partner who's let themselves go, or the partner who is struggling with drinking, or the partner who has anger issues, or the partner who... You know what I'm saying? Like, how do you-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Well, to those, to those, to your point, we could take them one by one, but let's say the partner who's let themselves go.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
I think that the default with someone you love is always compassion, not judgment, because that, that must be hard for them, you know? If someone's let themselves go... I know when I've let myself go in life, it didn't feel good to me, and, you know, there was... My, my mind was in a certain state when I was letting myself go, and that is, you know... That has to be met with love and compassion. Now, o- o- one of the things I, I wanna, I wanna make sure we at some point touch on is the compassion we have to show ourselves and what that looks like. But compa- outward compassion there is really, really important. But you have to ask yourself, if, if this was taken to its extreme, which either means it keeps getting worse or this person stays this way for the rest of their life, is that compatible with me loving myself? Is it compatible with me taking care of myself? And part of taking care of myself is being in a relationship that supports my needs. And you have to go into what, what, in what ways does that affect your needs? Well, we may say in the short term, it affects my needs sexually, let's say. You know, it's hard, it's a hard place for us to go, but if most people are honest and they say, "My partner has let themselves go to the point where they take no pride in their appearance-"
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
"... they take no pride in their body, they're not in that place, and I'm also not in that place, and this is something that's really, really important to me." It's a- it's no judgment on them. That's why I say we have to start with compassion because-
- MRMel Robbins
Well, it's interesting 'cause if you start with compassion even when you're breaking up, or you start with compassion and you're having a hard conversation about how somebody is mentally or physically, and you start knowing that this is hard for them and you still love them, but you also have to kind of have the conversation for yourself... 'Cause it's not fair to somebody to silently be mad at them or silently judge them. And if you find yourself, (clears throat) talking more to your friends about it...
- MHMatthew Hussey
No, and, and, and... (sighs) It, I... It breaks my heart as I say this because I genuinely think it's, it's as hard for them to change that thing as it is for you to change your hardest thing right now. Like, it's... We have to start looking at these things that way. That this thing-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
... that affects you-It is as hard for them to change that as it is for you to change something you're finding nearly impossible to change. And when you look at it through that lens, there is no judgment, it's just, it's just compassion. And, and the most tragic and heartbreaking thing would be if that thing that they couldn't change over time spelled the end of this beautiful relationship. That-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
That's the part that you have to, A, connect with yourself, that that's truly heartbreaking, and that at a certain point you have to connect them to that as well because it's the last thing you want. And not... and then, uh, you know, your needs are not just that. Your needs might be your need for, you know, this person who you love to still be around for as many years as possible, and that there is a, there is a delayed heartbreak that is coming for me because of the way that you're not taking care of yourself right now, and it is gonna... you are gonna be responsible for the greatest heartbreak of my entire life. And, and I come to you in that spirit, that I wanna be there for you, I wanna support you, I wanna put, you know, whatever support I can around you to help, I wanna understand how hard it is for you, and, and let's talk about that, let's go to therapy for that, let's... Like, whatever we have to do, let's do that. It... I'm not minimizing how hard it is, but I also don't wanna minimize the impact that this is gonna have on our life, is already having on our life, and will one day have in the most tremendous way if we're not careful, if we're not careful. You know? And that kind of language, I think, gets out of the mode of judging someone for what they're not able to do that maybe comes more naturally to you, which is a... your gift and their curse.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, I think if the shoe's on the other foot and you're the one struggling, that's how you want your partner to show up for you. I get a lot of questions about what to do when you're changing and someone else isn't, and so this one comes from Heather. "What do you do when the person holding you back is y- uh, the partner that you love? I struggle to not be angry with my partner for not matching my desire for personal growth, and I resent the fact that I feel like I have to pull them along. My frustration to them is perceived as believing that they are a piece of shit or that they will never be good enough for me. I feel like I'm holding myself back to keep the peace. The more I grow, the more they become insecure. I don't want my kids to watch me sacrifice who I am because of my partner."
- MHMatthew Hussey
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
What's your counsel to somebody that's in that position where they're growing and their partner's not?
- MHMatthew Hussey
Well, so I wanna set up that framework again, that is my problem that they're not like me or that my needs aren't getting met?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Now, if someone doesn't read the same books as you or doesn't fancy going to that weekend program, that weekend seminar, like, that sh- that has no bearing on the relationship on its own. You know, it's the... it's- it's like skiing, it's the-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, it's true.
- MHMatthew Hussey
It's just a program, it's just a book, it's just a... Someone, someone could have grown up on a farm having never even connected with the idea that there was a self-development world in existence. You might be the same age and meet each other and have learned just as much about life through completely different paths, and the fact that they don't know about this or they don't know this language that you've learned (laughs) and they don't understand these therapies or this growth work or whatever is utterly irrelevant. But where the, the rubber meets the road is, is it... is them not doing that work denying you something fundamental in a relationship? For example,
- 40:30 – 41:05
When you’re growing and your partner isn’t, try this.
- MHMatthew Hussey
are they unable to apologize because they have no self-awareness of the traits that they have that are truly destructive and they- they're not conscious of the things they're doing that are really destructive, and they're not even interested in becoming more aware of those things? They, they don't have to become aware of it through therapy, they don't have to become aware of it by reading the same books, but they can just become aware of it through conversation with you.
- MRMel Robbins
What do you do if you're, like, in the relationship though? 'Cause most people are not as transformed as you guys.
- MHMatthew Hussey
If you
- 41:05 – 41:45
If your partner addresses your concerns with contempt, it’s time to talk.
- MHMatthew Hussey
find that when you bring something up that affects you, it's met with disinterest, it's met with judgment, it's met with contempt, then you don't have the kind of teammate that you're looking for, you don't have someone who values teamwork-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MHMatthew Hussey
... and that becomes a deep compatibility issue. So it's you're sensing, "To what extent do I genuinely have a teammate?" And you only know the extent to which you genuinely have a teammate when you're able to have these kinds of conversations.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) I don't wanna have these conversations, Mat, I just want it to be perfect. I mean, wha-
- MHMatthew Hussey
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... what do you mean we have to talk about it? I have a bunch of speed round kinda questions around dating.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
So, um, what advice
- 41:45 – 48:05
6 things to try if you’re single and not meeting anyone.
- MRMel Robbins
do you have for people who have been single for a long time and are struggling to find love?
- MHMatthew Hussey
First, the story is almost certainly now gonna become, if you're not careful, your biggest enemy. Because there is now a s- now it's not just the pain of loneliness, that pang of, "Oh, I wish I had someone and I don't," it's the story I've told myself about why that is, that I'm not enough, that I'm undesirable, that I'm always the person before the person they marry, that all the good ones are taken, that you... There's a story now that's no longer serving you. The, the greatest gift you can give yourself is-... n- don't try to fix your loneliness or the fact that you would really like to meet someone. That's a part of being human. There are gonna be times where you feel lonely. There are gonna be times where you ache because you'd really like to have someone in this life. Um, but the thing that turns that pain into unbearable pain is the relationship you have with your loneliness, the relationship you have with being single. And so much of that relationship is defined by this story that gets created. Loneliness, the ache of wanting someone and not having found them, is like a chronic pain. It is a chronic pain. It's just a chronic emotional pain.
- MRMel Robbins
How do you change it? 'Cause it sounds terrible.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Firstly, the, the deeper work is changing your relationship with it. The more surface-level work is you do everything you can to make it inevitable that you can meet someone.
- MRMel Robbins
And what are those things?
- MHMatthew Hussey
Um, well, firstly, get comfortable with where you are because if you can't get comfortable where you are, then any time someone comes along, you will, you will join whatever cult comes your way (laughs) because you just wanna get out of pain. So you have to get yourself to a place where you're happy enough without someone. You don't have to be blissfully happy, but happy enough that you can always say no to the wrong thing 'cause you will find the right person faster if you can say no to the wrong people quicker.
- MRMel Robbins
Great.
- MHMatthew Hussey
So you have to be happy enough that you can say no to the wrong people when they come along and not grip onto them. Um, give yourself a kinda portfolio of investments in your love life. So there's nothing wrong with online dating. It's one investment, but it shouldn't be your only investment.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Um, how are you investing in your social circle? Are you still hanging out with the same three friends that you've been hanging out with for the last 10 years, two of which are married and one of whom, uh, you love, but she never stops talking shit about men, and she's, feels so disillusioned that she's like, "Screw dating altogether"? Well, that's okay. I mean, be that person's friend, but that's not... that can't be your peer group for trying to improve your love life. So start saying, "Have I got the right people around me who are opportunity-generating? Are they the kinds of people that say to me, 'Hey, let's go do something today.' And let's not just go do something where the two of us do something on our own, but let's go be in a place where there's other people." Are you joining communities? If you run, why aren't you in a running club? If you really wanna meet someone and you're running anyway, why are you not part of a running club where there's 50 people there that can become an entire new community for you, some of which may be right for you, one of them may be, or even if no one there is right for you, there are now a community of people that are more likely to invite you to their individual birthday parties where their brother is single, or s- their sister is single, or there, there's someone there that could be the right person all because you put yourself in a new community? Now, if you say to me, "My time's all spoken for," start looking for the things that you already do in your week. Y- y- you, you know, you keep going to the class at your gym. This is the thing people always say. "Oh, Mat, do you think there's anyone at my class in my gym? There's no one there." Th- are you going to the only gym in your city?
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
Like, you're telling me that's the only, that's the only fitness class going on in your city? Ch- switch classes. There. (snaps fingers) Entirely new group of people right there. You can't go to a different church this week- one weekend so that you meet a whole different group of people? There's more than one place that does the things you enjoy. But if you're addicted to your existing community, the places where you do everything, the places, the friends you have, then you're never putting yourself in the new communities where you won't have one new option, but 10, 20, 30 new options. So it's, it's... There's many, uh, many pieces of advice like this, but that's just a couple, and it gives people a sense that the limitations I'm giving myself are really a kind of... they're a, they're me, they're a cover for the way my life has kinda calcified and, and hardened into this thing that I've made immovable when actually there's so much opportunity around me. I'm not exploring it because there's an activation energy required to explore it, and it's more than the price I wanna pay.
- MRMel Robbins
What advice do you give for, um, just the scene of so many people doing online dating and the fatigue and the anxiety and the frustration that comes with just feeling like there's a lot of cycling through and flaking-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... out and being ghosted as you are out in the world dating? And let's say you've taken your advice, which I think is so important for everyone to hear, that online dating's not your only option.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And I think people have really relied on that and pulled away from communities and putting themselves out there and joining different churches and trying new things and joining the running club and just being more open in day-to-day life.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And I think it takes even more post-pandemic to start doing that for yourself. But what are some of the other pieces of advice? Because it is very hard. That's what I hear from everybody that is dating. It's very hard. It's
- 48:05 – 52:30
What if you're tired of using dating apps?
- MRMel Robbins
very frustrating, that the app scene sucks. It's just another social media app at this point, and you just feel like a commodity and it's a numbers game.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Which is why you have to obsess over the way you use your energy both on and off those vehicles because those vehicles f- like, they, they... (laughs) they're dopamine machines. And me and my wife were talking about this literally this morning. It was- she was talking to me. She was like, "You know, I just realized I've got back into a little dopamine cycle with Instagram where..."I now, I'm like, there's a friend I haven't texted back and I'm telling myself I haven't got time to text this friend back, which is real connection, and then I go straight to Instagram. And I relate to that too. This is the same way that people use dating apps. So we have to manage our own way that we use those things. People are not wrong. Dating culture today, for so many people, sucks and it is hard to find love. I don't- I- I- I'm not one of those people that talks about how easy it is. It's hard. It's the one area where we feel like we're out of control. 'Cause if you wanna lose weight or get in better shape, you can eat better and you can train every day and your body shape will change. You wanna make more sales, you can pick up the phone. You wanna save more money, you can deposit in the bank account every day. The money will accumulate. But you could go on a date every day of the week for the next year and still not find the love of your life. That is infuriating. It is not- if it were a board game, it wouldn't be Monopoly with its steady accumulation of houses and hotels. It would be Chutes and Ladders, where you feel like you make all this progress climbing up the ladder. I'm finally, I'm on date five with someone, it feels like it's going somewhere and then they ghost me. And I just go all the way back down, but even worse it feels like because now I've got less time and I'm heartbroken and I feel bad about myself and I'm questioning my worth and I'm questioning the people that I'm dating-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
... and their- and how great they are. Um, one of my favorite quotes is a Mitch Albom quote where he says, "If you don't like the culture, you have to be brave enough to create your own." And that is so relevant in dating and in finding love because so many of us are going into our love lives as culture adopters, not leaders. You know, one of the best things about, like, starting a business, you know this, is that you get to decide what- you- you get to look at all the other businesses that do things like you and you get to decide the kind of business you wanna create. You get to decide the kind of culture you wanna have with your team and they- and because of that, you get to put your thumbprint on it. And the qu- strength of your leadership then it has this infectious impact on everyone else. Pe- it's not just that you hire people who are like you. You hire people and you give them a heavy dose of that culture and the way we do things here, and some people go, "Oh my God, this is what I've been looking for," and they rise to that culture and other people fall off because they can't. That can happen in love too.
- MRMel Robbins
How? How?
- MHMatthew Hussey
You don't want-
- MRMel Robbins
Because- because here's the thing, like, literally I just- I- I want, I really wanna hear the how because I have, I have so many extraordinary people in my life who are single, who are frustrated by the toxic dating scene that is very much driven by apps and social media.
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And that the advice about creating your own culture and being brave enough to create your own, I totally get that. How do you do that and what advice do you have without getting resigned-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... if it's taking so long? You see what I'm saying? Like- like I think-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... that it's really important that you go, "I am not gonna buy into this shit."
- MHMatthew Hussey
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
"I am going to have very high standards for myself. I'm gonna be brave and have the courage to create a different culture, just have the conversation because my energy is worth it, and I'm also going to invest in things that make me come alive because I know the more that I'm raising my standards for my own life, the more likely I'm gonna bump into somebody-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... that I could potentially have
- 52:30 – 1:00:48
Best dating advice you’ll hear.
- MRMel Robbins
a long-term relationship with."
- MHMatthew Hussey
So first, you go slow to go fast in your love life. You don't r- race to date someone because you really wanna be able to tell the people at Thanksgiving that you're dating someone now. You don't rush because you're just, uh, you want a s- you want a love story in your life, even if it's, uh, one that's precarious and you don't know where you stand because it's better than nothing. You go slow to go fast. Then when you're actually engaging with people, you start to lead with the kind of energy you would like to see from other people. There's a piece of advice I've been giving for a long time which is both deeply true and flawed. It's, don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you. Now if you follow that rule, you're gonna be okay because you're not gonna get into these situations where you are over-investing in someone who's not giving you the same back because you keep telling yourself it's so important and there's attraction, when really that person is not investing or committing on the level you are, so why are you bothering? At some point, someone has to do a little bit more than the other person. Otherwise, we're just in a stalemate. We're just at the school disco with these people on this side and these people on that side and no one doing anything. So at some point, someone's got to cross the room. Now if you apply that to, let's say, online dating or just you're texting someone. You've met someone on online date- uh, on a dating app. You're now texting them. What does it look like to create your own culture in that situation? Well, if you're only mirroring what they're doing, then you're mirroring all of the worst parts of dating culture-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
... as a way to protect yourself 'cause you're, "I'm only gonna invest as much as they do," but you're now actually mirroring the culture. So instead what we have to do is say, "If I were creating my own culture, what would I do?" Well-You know what there is in this texting thing? There's a real lack of humanity. It's just words on a screen and we've been going back and forth, and there's just something missing in this. It doesn't feel like a real connection. So the next time they, uh, send me a text and say, "What are you up to?" I'm gonna leave 'em a voice note. It's a tiny thing, but I'm gonna leave 'em a voice note and just say, "Hey, I am at IKEA with my sister right now and we are buying furniture for this room in our house, and I'm already dreading the fact that I have to put this thing together-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MHMatthew Hussey
...and it's gonna be a complete disaster. I'll send you a picture." Um, y- they're hearing your voice, and it's, it's a, already... Let's say they are dating three other people or talking to three other people. Your voice, you're attacking a different sense. They're hearing you. There's a different intimacy to a voice note, and it invites them to the table.
- MRMel Robbins
But what I like about what you're saying is it's actually more about you giving yourself permission to just show up as yourself and not worry about whether or not that is what drives somebody to a different level.
- MHMatthew Hussey
And having the standard on the back end... So having the bravery on the front end to create the culture and instigate it by being a leader, not a follower, but having the standard on the back end that says, "If I don't feel that this pattern that I'm instigating is reciprocated, then I can back off." If I send you a message this... uh, tomorrow morning-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MHMatthew Hussey
... as... and I instigate and I say, you know, "Hi, lovely, I hope you have an amazing day today. I was just thinking of you," and I do that, I'm brave and I instigate that, if tomorrow you don't send me a message, then fair enough. All right. I got it. What I'm not gonna do is send you another message tomorrow morning and kee- and then a week later say, "I don't get it."
- MRMel Robbins
With a question mark.
- MHMatthew Hussey
"I don't get it."
- MRMel Robbins
Question mark. (laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
Or just say... Let's say... No, but let's say they texted back that day. You instigated, right? So that was-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- MHMatthew Hussey
...a brave thing to do, but you don't wanna be in a pattern with someone where you're always instigating. So if the next day they don't instigate or you find that you're the one constantly instigating, then you back off. What you don't do is keep instigating, they keep texting back, and you say, "I don't get it. They must like me 'cause they keep texting me back, but, you know, they never... I, I just wish they'd ask me on a date." Well, you are, you are setting up that dynamic by having no standards on the back end of this. So that's where you mirror. If you create the culture and then they can't reciprocate, then you go, "Okay, I'm gonna back off." You model first, then you mirror, but what we're doing is mirroring someone from the start... I-i-i-i... Y- if someone hasn't texted you in two weeks and then they say... and you've been hurt by it, and you're like, "Wow, this really sucks. We had such a great date two weeks ago. I really wanted to see them. I've barely heard from them." And then two weeks later, on a Saturday, they say, "Do you wanna do something tonight? Do you wanna go to a movie? It'd be so great to see you," the temptation is to go, "I'm gonna be a happy, cool person here because I don't wanna make it seem like I've been thinking about them for two weeks." So then we mirror them. We go, "Yeah, a movie sounds great. What time?"
- MRMel Robbins
Well, what the hell would you say without sounding like a psycho, like, clingy bitch?
- MHMatthew Hussey
Well, it depends how long it... You say, "Hey, one of the things I really value is consistency, and I haven't really heard from you, so I'd like to see you. It'd be fun to see you, but I kind of assumed, you know, we weren't on the same page 'cause I haven't heard from you for two weeks." Like, you just say that. I was-
- MRMel Robbins
You make it sound so simple.
- MHMatthew Hussey
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And, and I think the advice is incredible. I'm reflecting-
- MHMatthew Hussey
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
...because I n-... I know how emotions get the best of us, which comes back to your original point that that's why it's dangerous, and that's why you have to go slow to go fast. And before you just immediately text back, take a beat, assess where you are, be a little bit more honest and vulnerable, and when you lead with that and you create your own culture in dating, now you are in a more powerful position.
- MHMatthew Hussey
That's exactly right. And if you can't... and if you don't get your needs met, you have to be... You, you're being very warm and kind and compassionate in the way you bring things up, but if you don't get what you really need, you have to be ruthless in your response with your energy. And that's where the tiger comes out. It's not in me biting your head off 'cause you haven't texted me for two weeks. You're gonna get my sensitivity and my vulnerability about that part 'cause I, I actually was kind of sad I didn't hear from you. We had such a great time. But where you'll s- see the tiger is that I have absolutely no patience for someone who's not showing up for me.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MHMatthew Hussey
So I aggressively move forward with my life. I am a train that goes-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MHMatthew Hussey
...and you g-... If you step too close to the train as it's leaving the platform, you're gonna get hurt. So you're either on or you're off, but this train is leaving.
- MRMel Robbins
Right, 'cause I'm not waiting around for somebody to text me back.
- MHMatthew Hussey
No.
Episode duration: 1:00:49
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