The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast

Mel Robbins 0:00 (instrumental music plays) You know, I've been in a really reflective mood lately. I'm always that way this time of year. And so I decided to just look back over the year and think about the moments on the podcast that had the biggest impact on me. You know, the ones where I was really moved, or an expert challenged me to think about a topic an entirely new way, or they shared a tool that fundamentally changed my approach to something. And so I've decided to gather up my favorite moments today and share them with you. And you're about to meet the six experts, and you're gonna hear the moments from the Mel Robbins Podcast that fundamentally changed my life, and I promise you, they're gonna change your life, too. (clock ticks) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you, and today in particular, I think our time today is going to be extraordinarily moving. And the reason why I'm saying that is because I have been thinking a lot about the last year on the podcast, and I wanted to compile the top moments with experts on this podcast over the last year that truly moved me, that impacted my life, that made me look at a very important topic in life in a entirely new way, that inspired me to change something, not just, like, change it, but to change it for good. And so I'm so excited to be able to share with you moments with six experts that changed my life. I know these experts changed your life, and you're gonna love this, because in case you missed this episode, you're gonna get the moment that mattered. And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, somebody sent you this episode, this is an absolutely extraordinary episode to listen to as your very first episode. I wanna welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family, and it's a real honor to have you here, and I'm absolutely thrilled to be able to share these meaningful moments with you. And of course, there's no better place for me to start than with Dr. Jim Doty. Now, Dr. Doty

Mel Robbins 2:25 was on the podcast recently, but I haven't stopped thinking about Dr. Doty since he left our studios. He left a mark on me. Like, you know the kind of person that your heart is just never the same? You don't even have to spend a long amount of time with them. You're just forever changed by their presence, by the interaction that you had with them, by something that they shared, and that's what happened for me when Dr. Doty hopped on a plane and flew all the way across the United States to join me in our Boston studios. And let me tell you a little bit about him, and then I'm gonna tell you about what you're gonna hear. Dr. Jim Doty is a pioneering Stanford neurosurgeon, and by pioneering, I mean the man has actually created a spinal surgery technique that has transformed spinal surgery. He's also a world-renowned neuroscientist. He's founded a bunch of companies. He's also the founder and the director of the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and the former chairman of the Dalai Lama Foundation. Now, Dr. Doty was in our studios to talk about his work and research on the topic of manifesting. That's right, we're learning about the process of manifesting from a neurosurgeon. And he just opened my eyes to the topic of manifesting in ways that I- I cannot wait to share with you, because I believe in manifesting, but learning about how there are four different parts of your brain that you're using when you're manifesting, it was just mind-blowing and empowering. But where I wanna start is what happened at the very beginning when we sat down. So, the first thing I wanna share with you from that conversation with Dr. Doty is a story that he shared at the very beginning of our conversation, where he s- describes being a 12-year-old kid. He grew up in a house where there was a lot of conflict and fighting, and he would hop on his bike and rides his bike as far away from the stuff going on in the household that he grew up in. And one day, he ends up at this magic shop, and it changed the trajectory of his life because of how the woman working in that magic shop taught him as a 12-year-old. And I'm gonna play this in just a minute for you to listen to, but the reason why this is so important is that I believe that we are all equipped to help one another. In fact, I think that you're best equipped to help the person that you once were. And it's very clear to me that when this 12-year-old version of Jim Doty walked into the magic shop, the woman working there saw a kid who needed someone to care, and that right there changed the trajectory of his entire life.

Guest 5:20 I walked into a magic shop and met a woman who (sighs) looked at me as a human being. (sighs) And what I mean by that (clears throat) is, so many people make judgments about people, (sighs) and they don't recognize, (sighs) the past or the- the problems or the adversities they faced, and (clears throat) everybody deserves to be listened to. (sighs) So this woman in this magic shop, she was a radiant being.She had a smile, a presence that made you feel safe. And this is a key, psychological safety, to down-regulate your stress response, and she made me feel okay. She didn't look down on me, and I was 12. As a 12-year-old, she looked at me as an equal, eye-to-eye. And, um, that interaction with her changed the trajectory of my life because it changed how I saw the world. Having somebody take the time to look at you, see you, uh, appreciate what you are, and, uh, taking that interest, it's very meaningful, and I try never to take that for granted. And even, in I hope every interaction, you understand that, uh, uh, a lot of people are suffering. They're carrying baggage from their past, and that baggage is limiting them. And oftentimes, just listening to somebody can profoundly change their lives, 'cause that's what, people wanna be heard. And sometimes it's just hello. Sometimes it's just a hug. So I always tell people, never forget your own ability to change somebody's life, and also to recognize that oftentimes how somebody is interacting with you has nothing to do with what's going on. It has to do with the baggage they're carrying. And so give p- people the benefit of a doubt. And so, you know, if you grow up in a background like mine, typically there are two paths. One is the path you become an alcoholic, drug abuser, have mental health issues. The other is you over-excel, right?

Mel Robbins 7:44 Mm-hmm.

Guest 7:45 Over-achieve. Then the path of the over-achiever gets bifurcated. There so one group who say, "Nobody helped me. I did this all myself. Uh, I'm not gonna help anybody else." Then you have the other group, which I probably typify, maybe excessively, uh, where, uh, I understand the pain people go through. Uh, and very deeply. So, uh, I'm very attuned to that.

Mel Robbins 8:20 It's beautiful. You know, it really moved me to see just how in tune he is with this simple idea that everyone deserves to be seen. And I wanna underscore something, and it's this. Never forget your own ability to change someone else's life. I really do believe you have the power to help yourself and to help someone else, and that's one of the reasons why I show up here every single week, and it's why I'm so grateful that you and I get to spend time together, because that's what we're doing. We're helping one another to feel seen, to understand the simple things that we can do to lift each other up. And so once I wiped

Mel Robbins 9:16 away the tears, we got down to the topic that Dr. Doty was there to talk about, which is manifesting. Now, manifesting is something that I believe in, and it's not just closing your eyes and hoping that a pony shows up. Manifesting is the process where you intentionally align your thoughts with what you truly want in life, and when you do it properly, you are programming your mind, your body, your spirit, your nervous system, your brain to help you get these things. Doesn't mean you don't do the work. It just means you're aligning your own body and mindset to help you do the work. And I love manifesting. It is a tool that I use. But Dr. Doty was the very first person to point out a huge mistake that everybody makes when they're manifesting, and he's a neuroscientist, so he can not only explain the four different parts of the brain that you're using when you're visualizing and when you're thinking about and allowing yourself to feel the things in your life that you want to have happen. But the major mistake that we're all making, oh my gosh, wait till you hear this, you're manifesting when you're stressed out. Like, you're driving to work and traffic's all backed up and you're gripping the wheel and you're closing your eyes as traffic's stopping and you're like, "I just want a beach house and a million dollars." Doesn't work that way. Doesn't work that way. If you're single and you're, like, constantly bummed and on edge, and you know, you- you think dating's toxic and you're allowing some stranger who just ghosted you to deplete your self-esteem, manifesting the love of your life, not gonna work. Dr. Doty said, and this is something I'd never known, that in order for you to manifest properly, you have to be calm. Which to me makes sense, but it was also a revelation. Wow, who knew? Well, I guess we do now. And so I wanna bring you to the point where Dr. Doty has explained, no, you gotta be calm, and this is the part people miss. You wanna manifest something? You gotta get intentional about what you want, you gotta drop yourself into a calm state, and then that's when you start to write it down. That's when you visualize it. And so I- I asked Dr. Doty, you're like the king of this stuff, and you're a neurosurgeon and neuroscientist, so tell us, what's your process? What do you do when you wake up to put yourself in a state to manifest? Because he had explained, "Oh, I manifest from the moment I wake up." I'm like, "Okay. Well, help us do the same thing." And this is what he said.

Guest 11:56 So let me start with the morning first. Every morning, I wake up and I sit at the side of the bed and I do a breathing exercise, and the very nature of that breathing exercise shifts me into the parasympathetic nervous system or s-

Mel Robbins 12:07 And what is the breathing exercise?

Guest 12:08 It's just slowly breathing in through the nose, holding it for four seconds, slowly letting it out, and I do this for a minute or two. You can sit, you can lay down. Uh, there's nothing that is prescriptive, and this is where people get lost about mindfulness practices. They somehow think you have to sit like a Buddha and do this, and they get all anxious about it. There's no reason to be anxious at all. It's just to find a, a place where you feel comfortable. And then, I go through this breathing exercise of slowly breathing in f- for four to six seconds, holding it for four to six seconds, slowly let it, letting it out through the mouth, and then that shifts me into the parasympathetic nervous system, or strengthens where I'm already at. And then, I think of the joy and awe of being in this world, and I just sit with that for a minute or two, and that centers me, uh, for the day. And if I'm centered looking through that lens, then that actually creates the environment for me to manifest because I am in the right mindset. I'm calm. I'm thoughtful. I'm thinking about others. I'm not self-focused. And the very nature of that allows me to manifest. Now, I was gonna mention in the evening, all of us have goals. All of us have intentions, and you can prioritize them from ones that are mildly important, moderately important, incredibly important, and, uh, and the timeframes, and, uh, and then you focus on them. And what I will do is I will, again, write them down, whatever the top three are, and then I'll go through the exact same exercise I mentioned, which is to write them down, to repeat it silently, to repeat it aloud, to see it happening, and, uh, and over and over and over again. All of those things strengthen the power and put you in the right mindset to have the greatest likelihood of you manifesting your intention. And the very nature of that puts you in the right mental state where you don't feel you have to hide yourself, where you don't feel that you have to put on a show for everybody about how successful you are, and where j- you're just feeling comfortable with who you are and accept yourself. And the hardest, hardest part for so many people is accepting themselves as they are, not be lost in how they want to be or lost in what could've been. And this is also a thing that distracts you from the energy you have to change things, because if you spend 80% of your time on the past and a future that hasn't happened lamenting, then you can never be present to actually make things happen. And this is the key. You have to be present. You have to be authentic. You have to understand your past, and you have to understand that when you want something to manifest, yes, it is a future intention, but it's not something to get lost in. It's something simply to sit with instead of be pathologically focused on. As an example, I'm sure you've seen people who have sacrificed everything to get to the top of the mountain. Well, they've sacrificed everything to get to the top of the mountain to stand there by themselves. Well, what was the purpose of that? Our purpose in life is connection. It's not to so be focused that you don't have any connections and you're walking alone. It's to connect with people. I mean, many, many of the aspects of what we're talking about are the journey with others, not necessarily standing by yourself.

Mel Robbins 15:43 I love that. I love that you can not only use neuroscience and these simple techniques to calm yourself down and then leverage the power of your brain to start to imagine the things that you want in your life, but that there's also this reminder that everything in life is way better when you're sharing it with other people, and that's why I wanted to start with Dr. Jim Doty. I mean, I just have not stopped thinking about him since he walked out of our studio. I feel like the exact same things that he's just shared with you about your ability to help another person is why you and I are here, it's why you're sharing these episodes, and it's why I am so proud to call you my friend. And I'm also grateful that, you know, y- you didn't see him if you're not watching on YouTube, but he's, like, this tall guy with white hair and these big black glasses like mine, and you can tell he's just, like, super confident. And if you saw him at a cocktail party, you would never say to yourself, "Oh, that's a dude that manifests." So to have him sit down and be so emotional and moved by how much suffering there is and how it doesn't have to be that way, that there are simple tools that you can use like manifesting, like calming yourself down that can help you change the way that you think, it can help you see bigger possibilities, it can help you ease your own suffering, and I just am grateful that Dr. Doty took the time to be here to teach both of us that. And since one of my favorite moments ended with Dr. Doty reminding us that the journey of life is something that we're doing with other people, that brings me to the second person this year that has had a lasting impact on me, and his work centers around how to be a better communicator in a way that brings you closer to people.... and allows you to have the hard conversations, because the fact is, you gotta have hard conversations to make your relationships better. And that person that I'm talking about is none other than the

Mel Robbins 17:58 amazing Jefferson Fisher. Now, Jefferson Fisher is a seasoned trial lawyer, but he's gained millions of followers online because he sits in the front seat of his car in between his cases in court giving straightforward, powerful communication advice. And what I love about Jefferson is he's got this just kinda soft-spoken way of teaching you how to be articulate and persuasive and tactful and to stand your ground, but in a way where you're not really realizing that's what he's doing. You know? He doesn't raise his voice. He just kinda smiles as he's literally taking control of a conversation. And I've been following him for a long time, and I've watched him just explode on social media. And so, I'm proud that he jumped on a plane from Texas, he came to our Boston studios, and he taught you and me how the power of what you say and what you don't say shapes who you are, that your words matter. And he is just the king of practical insights when it comes to, how do you speak up, when do you stay silent, what do you do if somebody's gaslighting you? And my favorite topic that I covered with Jefferson is, how do you actually set up a difficult conversation, okay? And it turns out, I've been doing it all wrong, and you probably have too, because when you think about having to sit down with somebody and have a conversation that you're really nervous about, and you know that's true because you've been avoiding it like the plague, you probably dance around it. Well, Jefferson says that's exactly what you shouldn't do. And so, I'm gonna have you listen to him.

Jefferson Fisher 19:48 I want you to imagine you are about to walk into somebody's office and there's gonna be that hard conversation in the room. And let's just say it's a topic of something that is, it's bad news. Put your mind wherever it is. You walk in and somebody goes, "So, uh, so how are you? How are you lately? You been good? Pickleball games? All right. Well, that's's good. Well, um, your family's good? Well, listen. Uh, hey, uh, I- I have something that we've been talking about, and listen, I- I know it's not that big of a deal, and I- I want you to understand."

Mel Robbins 20:21 You're making me panicked-

Jefferson Fisher 20:22 Exactly.

Mel Robbins 20:22 ... as I'm listening to you, Jefferson.

Jefferson Fisher 20:23 Because it's that fear of the unknown, Mel, versus, let's say, the different scenario.

Mel Robbins 20:27 Okay.

Jefferson Fisher 20:28 You come in, say, "Thank you for meeting with me. Mel, I have bad news." You deliver that bad news. Versus, "This isn't gonna be a fun conversation," and you say that. "This isn't gonna be fun for us to talk about. This isn't my favorite conversation to have." You prepare them for it. Often, you're afraid to disappoint people.

Mel Robbins 20:50 Mm-hmm.

Jefferson Fisher 20:51 And what that really is, is you don't believe that they have enough emotional resiliency to handle it, so you need to- to baby them, to tiptoe into the water instead of dipping right in. People will admire you more, they will see you as somebody with more respect and more confidence, every time when you say what you wanna say fully.

Mel Robbins 21:11 I- I didn't even know what to say, because he's right. And my entire life, I'm 56 years old, I have handled this wrong, because first of all, if I have something hard I need to say to somebody or I have to give somebody some difficult feedback or I gotta sit somebody down and just tell them, "Yep, I'm not gonna do what you need me to do," or, "I don't wanna be in this relationship anymore," I do tiptoe around it. I am afraid of the other person's reaction. Sometimes I don't even wanna deal with the reaction, and that's why I kinda do that thing where you try to, like, make it softer than it needs to be. But he's right, isn't he? Imagine, my favorite thing is, "This isn't my favorite thing to talk about. This is not something I wanna be having a conversation with you about right now. This is not going to be a good conversation. I have bad news." I mean, just saying that, you feel kinda powerful, 'cause you're just putting it out there. And I love what he also reminded you and me of. It's true. People will respect you if you respect them enough to just tell them the truth. And when you tell somebody, "Hey, this isn't my favorite conversation, but I need to tell you the truth," what happens is you're also saying, "I believe in your ability to handle the truth, and I respect you enough to give it to you." And that was an eye-opener for me, and I've been using it ever since. And so, the next thing that really struck me about Jefferson, and, you know, if you haven't heard the episode, the link is in the notes section in the show description, wherever it is that you're listening to this conversation or watching it on YouTube right now. That tone of voice that he has, he didn't modulate the entire conversation. There's so much power in being in control of your words, and

Mel Robbins 23:08 I don't know about you, but there are moments in life where somebody says something that's sort of like a backhanded compliment or they are a little belittling. Like, oftentimes, I find that that happens a lot, where people will make a remark about my success and then they'll kinda cut Chris down, my husband, and be like, "Must be nice to have your wife pay all the bills." And I've never known how to respond, and neither has Chris, when somebody kinda belittles you that way or says something backhanded. Well, now I do, thanks to Jefferson. Here's what he had to say is the way you need to handle it the next time somebody says something that you find offensive or belittling.

Jefferson Fisher 23:51 When somebody is belittling you or giving you a insult, that hurtful comment, you make them say it again, because what they're hoping to do in that belittling comment is get that reaction out of you. And instead, you find a way to take all the fun out of it. So when you ask them to repeat what they said, you're not giving them that hit of dopamine that they were expecting from your reaction. They're not getting that, that response time from you. Instead, you're delaying that gratification for them. Then it's just not worth it. Then it's just not fun. And so when you ask them to repeat it, just say, "I need you to say that again."

Mel Robbins 24:29 We need to role play this.

Jefferson Fisher 24:31 Sure.

Mel Robbins 24:32 Um, I'm trying to think of a scenario-

Jefferson Fisher 24:33 Like you just said right there, um, "You're still single."

Mel Robbins 24:37 "I need you to repeat that."

Jefferson Fisher 24:38 Yeah. You... So-

Mel Robbins 24:39 (laughs)

Jefferson Fisher 24:40 Exactly. I'm not gonna wanna say that again, because now that spotlight is on me. Then also what you lead up with that is you ask questions of intent. For example, "Did you say that to hurt me?" And now it's this mirror that they feel like, "Why did I say that? Oh, okay," and then they start to backtrack. Then you don't have to say anything. So if, uh, somebody says to you, uh, "Oh, so you're still single?" "I need you to say that again." Most likely, they're not going to say that again, but if they do, then you can even repeat what they said. "I'm still single. That's what you asked me?" And all of a sudden they realize, "This isn't fun."

Mel Robbins 25:24 They're not gonna ask that kind of thing again. Wow.

Jefferson Fisher 25:27 Or you just ask that question of, "Did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to offend me?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, I didn't say that. Uh, what- what- what I meant was," and all of a sudden they're backing away because they know you're gonna stand your ground.

Mel Robbins 25:38 Tell you what, we're all taking Jefferson Fisher with us to every family interaction because, I don't know, we got instigators in our family. You know, the kind of people that, "Oh, I'm just kidding. Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You don't need to be so sensitive." I love this. "I need you to say that again." I can't wait for somebody to turn to me and Chris and take a jab at Chris. "Oh, must be nice to be married to Mel and not have to do anything all day." "I need you to say that again. Are you saying that to belittle me?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." Like, all of a sudden, it's not that fun anymore. Man, I love Jefferson Fisher. Don't you love Jefferson Fisher? He made a huge impact on my life this year, and so, wow. I think I'm gonna talk in that slow kind of draw that he has. That just feels powerful, doesn't it? (laughs) Well, I'm gonna tell you what else is powerful, and that is when I got to sit down with Dr. Rebecca Robbins. Now, Dr. Rebecca is a professor at Harvard Medical School, and she is a leading researcher on sleep and circadian rhythms at Brigham and Women's Hospital. Dr. Robbins has earned her PhD from Cornell and completed postdoctoral training at NYU and Harvard, specializing in sleep and circadian disorders. Now, if you wanted to see her in her private practice, like, we're talking years to get into her sleep clinic. Her research is the research that people that write books about sleep are citing, so she is the OG when it comes to sleep. And one of the things that I noticed immediately is her voice is so soothing. I mean, we need a sleep app with Dr. Robbins' voice on it. But she showed up and shared actionable, science-based strategies that are gonna help you have better sleep overall, that's gonna boost your energy, your focus, and your overall well-being.

Mel Robbins 27:42 And one of the things that she talked about, there are two moments that I'm gonna share with you that really changed how I think about sleep and what I do at night to get ready for sleep. And the first thing that we talked about is that, you know, I don't know what you're like, but 10 o'clock is my bedtime. Do you know what time I climb in bed? 10 o'clock. Do you know what time I think I should be asleep? 10 o'clock. Like, I literally go from 100 miles an hour running around the house to 10 o'clock, I'm right in my bed. Dr. Robbins was like, "Major mistake." Check this out.

Guest 28:18 One of my favorite tips for a great night's sleep is this idea that routine is absolutely queen (laughs) . And we're really not meant to keep different sleep schedules as human beings. Um, falling asleep at 2:00 AM one night, 10:00 PM the next, understand how vitally important consistency is in our sleep routines, 'cause then our brain and our body starts to understand when it should be tired and, you know, prepare for sleep and when it should be awake. And then it allows ourselves to better organize ourselves and get a lot out of our sleep episode. The best sleep comes when we're getting cons- keeping our- our sleep times consistent, so falling asleep at the same time and waking up as close to the same time as possible.

Mel Robbins 29:00 So is that takeaway number one?

Guest 29:02 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 29:02 That climbing into bed so you have a consistent time that you're signaling that you're gonna start the process of falling asleep, and having your alarm ring at roughly the same time is one of the first things that we wanna do?

Guest 29:15 Absolutely, and I think we're slaves to our alarm clocks. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 29:18 Yes.

Guest 29:18 But we don't really talk about the wind-down time. It's kind of like a fuzzy idea, fuzzy game plan. It's not a, "Okay, 10:30 is when I'm going to start to power down. I'm going to get off my phone. I'm gonna boil a cup of- of, small cup of tea, herbal tea, and then start my bedtime ritual and wind-down routine," which is an essential part of sleep. We always think, you know, "Oh, you know, I... Now- now's the time. Now's- now's the..." (laughs) Now feels pretty good for sleep, but it really, it takes time.

Mel Robbins 29:48 You know, just listening to her, I'm like, I know she didn't mean it this way, but I'm like, "Mel, you dummy."Like, like, why do you think you can sprint from the kitchen fully clothed in your clogs while you're texting your kids good night and turning off the lights, and then literally ... Do you get undressed by the side of your bed? I get undressed by the side of my bed. (laughs) I do. And then, I climb in, and then I lay there. It's like, because there's no buffer. And when you hear her just kind of smile, and tell you the truth, and the science about needing a simple wind-down routine, it just makes sense, doesn't it? And I thought, "Mel, you deserve that." I mean, on the nights where you take a bath, woman, you crawl into that bed just like you did when you were a kid, all swaddled up and warm, and you just, whoo, you just fall right asleep. Why are you not

Mel Robbins 30:45 doing this every night? And so, I asked Dr. Robbins, I was like, "Okay. Yes, I'm in." I- I want, I want that cup of tea. I want that wind-down routine. And so, I said, you know, Dr. Robbins is one of the leading sleep researchers on the planet, in clinical practice, running this sleep lab, "What is your wind-down routine?" And just take a listen to what she had to say, because I think you will never look at your evening routine the same ever again.

Guest 31:19 My wind-down routine is one thing that I am very diligent about, and it's not complex, but I'm very diligent about the time. I do my best. You know, I try to get all my computer stuff done, and then I put my boys to bed. And then, it's 8:30, and then I am switching my mindset, and it's time for mama to go to bed. And, and there are days where I need to be working and plug back in. But the best case scenario is my boys are down, and then I do a couple, maybe I clean up a tiny bit around the house, I start to turn the lights off, and then I go upstairs and I turn my phone off. I wash my face. I take a shower, and then I do one breathing exercise. I sit cross-legged on the ground in my bedroom. I'm turning lights off as I kind of move into the bedroom, and I do one breathing exercise. And I don't set an alarm, but I just kind of do it until I feel like I've gotten rid of that busy mind, you know, that has served me so well over the course of the day. And sometimes, that's five times. On busier, more stressful days, sometimes that's seven rounds of this. But it's the, um, the military breathing technique. So, I breathe in through my nose for a count of four. I hold for seven. And then, I exhale, purse my lips for eight. And those times are longer than you think, right? The seven and the eight really are like you're kind of fighting for the breath at the end. And that's the benefit of that technique. It restricts and restrains the breath, and can help calm the heart rate and calm your mind. And now, while I'm doing that, thoughts are flying in, because of course, of what I forgot to do, or I need to do. And I come back to this idea of, "No, not now. Now is my time. I've done things for my students, my partner, my kids all day, and now is my time to restore and relax." And if anything, any thoughts are still fighting to the surface, I write those down at my nightstand. So, I've done the 4-7-8 technique, and then I mosey into my, my bed. I read a couple pages in a book. I do, um, progressive muscle relaxation. I clench and release every muscle group starting in the, from the toes, and I inhale, clench, and then exhale, release. And then, I really kind of add onto that something, like something that I'm letting go, heaviness, or a thought that's not serving me, and then I say a prayer and I go to sleep. And it doesn't happen every night, but that's my ritual. And I use the word ritual purposefully, because you wanna cultivate a ritual. A ritual is something you do every time, and so it's thoughtful. It's, you know, one, two, three, boom. Sleep is next. Um, for you listening, what are the three things that you can do tonight and tomorrow night and really institute as your ritual that you can ideally also take on the road when you travel? And be diligent. Try to do those every single night, because then what the brain starts to understand is what comes next is sleep.

Mel Robbins 34:19 Oh, my gosh. So, here's what I've done with that. I think about what are the three things that I can do every night, no matter where I am, and I want you to think about these three things, too. Take her invitation, 'cause she did speak directly to you. What are three things you can do every single night that kinda become your wind-down routine, that signal to you that it's time? And for me, the first thing is I always draw a bath. Like, that's my new ... Ever since Dr. Robbins, I do not miss it, and in fact, when I go to a hotel, I beg for a room with a bathtub. And I know that might kinda gross you out. If it looks kinda dingy, I'll just wash it before I climb into it. But I love a bath, and if I can't have a bath, I'll take a shower. And when I start drawing the bath or I turn on the shower, that's my signal to plug my phone in for the night and to just turn off the screen and leave it in the bathroom, and then I take the bath. And when I'm done with the bath ... This may be getting a little too personal here. I don't know if I should be telling you this, but I, while I'm soaking wet, I put lotion all over my body, 'cause I feel like it locks in the moisture, and I want really smooth skin. So, there you have it. There's my skincare tip. And then, I just climb into bed. I turn off the light, and before I drift off to sleep, the final thing I do is I put my hand on my heart and I close my eyes, and I think about three things that went really well today, because your brain will find what you ask it to look for. And this kinda goes back to the Dr. Doty manifesting piece.... that at the end of the day with this routine, especially after a hot shower or bath and without a phone anywhere near me, and now that I'm climbed into, like, my cozy sheets and I've got my hand on my heart, I'm calm, aren't I? And so as I go through the day and I think about three things that went well or three things that I'm grateful for, this is a form of manifesting because I'm training my mind to default on what's good, and that helps me continue to see things that are good. And usually, I kinda drift right off to sleep, but I think the most encouraging thing that Dr. Robbins did share is that sleeping is a skill, and you can take intentional simple steps that she shares in that episode to learn how to be a better sleeper. That's available to you, and it's one of the core pillars of creating a better life. And the next

Mel Robbins 36:49 person that I'm thrilled to introduce you to is a very dear friend of mine. His name is Trent Shelton. Trent is a former NFL player, and he is also an extraordinary motivational speaker and New York Times bestselling author. Now, I love Trent, and we're constantly texting back and forth and sharing ideas about business and life and parenting. And after his NFL career, Trent became a powerful voice in personal growth, and he inspires millions of people to claim their power and change their lives. He reaches over 60 million people every single week, and his book, Protect Your Peace, New York Times bestseller. He hopped on a plane and flew all the way from Texas and arrived in our Boston studios, and holy cow, like an NFL coach, he was ready to go. And what was the topic? He wants to set the record straight about what you're accepting in life and your power to change the dynamic between you and other people, the power that you have to protect your peace. And so I want you to sit up straight and take a listen, because I'm gonna pass the mic to my friend, Trent.

Guest 38:02 I'm a believer, and I'm sure there's exceptions to certain rules, that people will consistently and continuously give you what you allow them to give you. I believe that you're in control of two things in this world.

Mel Robbins 38:16 What are they?

Guest 38:16 What you give, nobody can stop you giving anything, and what you accept. So if I was like, "Mel, you know, this is a cup of poison. Drink it," like, now, like, you wouldn't accept that. And it's crazy because I feel like emotionally, we accept so many emotional poisons in our life that we don't have to accept. Nobody can force you to accept it. And the first thing it starts with, again, we go back to setting that boundary.

Mel Robbins 38:42 Mm-hmm.

Guest 38:43 Saying no. Boundaries are not walls to keep things out. We hear the word boundary, we think, "Oh, boundary's a bad thing and it's toxic," and no, boundaries aren't walls to keep things out. Boundaries are bridges to let the right things in.

Mel Robbins 38:59 Ooh. That was... Boundaries-

Guest 39:02 They're not walls-

Mel Robbins 39:04 ... are not walls.

Guest 39:04 ... to keep things out. It can be if somebody makes it a wall, where they disrespect your boundary over and over. Then it becomes a wall, like, "Hey, I'm blocking you from my phone. Leave me alone."

Mel Robbins 39:12 Right.

Guest 39:12 "I'm blocking you." But boundaries aren't walls to keep things out. They're bridges to let the right things in. That's in relationships. That's in marriage. That's, like, it makes it more beautiful. Me and my wife, we've set boundaries with each other is that makes it more beautiful. I give her her time on self-care day. She gives me my time, my hours, and we're better for our kids and our family when we come back to that. Do I want her every minute of her life? Yes, I want... No, I don't want you to go out there, babe. But I realize that's what she needs.

Mel Robbins 39:44 Mm-hmm.

Guest 39:44 Friendships, boundaries. Your work, boundaries. And the thing that I see is that so many people aren't setting boundaries, or they're setting boundaries and not standing on their boundaries. So if you're the go-to person for everybody else but you can't go to anybody, set a boundary. Say, "Hey, if you can't do this for me, I'm not doing this for you no more," unapologetically. If you're the person that's always being there for everybody, if you're somebody's 2:00 AM and they call you with all their problems, oh my gosh, then set a boundary. "Hey, you know what? If you're not gonna take my advice, don't call me no more with your problems." If I can't call you at 2:00 AM, I call you, you sleep. I get the do not disturb.

Mel Robbins 40:23 (laughs)

Guest 40:24 Then set that boundary. And boundaries aren't a mean thing. It's a necessary thing to protect your peace and to protect your energy, because y- as we said at the beginning of this episode, you don't get an infinite amount of energy to use. Like, no, it's a battery. If we're honest, some of us protect our phone battery more than we do our soul battery.

Mel Robbins 40:44 So true.

Guest 40:45 So to bring this back, set boundaries and look at boundaries as bridges, and I think it will change your life when you ask yourself what you need. Can I give them a three-step process with that?

Mel Robbins 40:57 Please, let's go.

Guest 40:59 Number one, when you're setting boundaries, first ask yourself, what do you need in your life right now? Write that down, whatever it is. Peace, I need sanity, I need better friends, whatever it is. Number two, then ask yourself, what boundary do you need to set, do I need to set that will lead me to what I need, okay? Then number three, which is probably the most important, why do I have to, not want to, why do I have to stick to this boundary, and this boundary is something that can't budge? And write that down. What is it costing you? I like to call it opportunity cost. What is it gonna cost you not to stick to this boundary? Your future, your peace? Maybe you're a mom and you keep saying yes to everybody else and you're frustrated now your kids get that. Maybe you're a dad and you're doing all the things and you can't be the man you need to be for your wife and your family. What is it costing you? Because it's costing you way more than you think. Get clear on that and start there. You tell people how to treat you by what you accept.You tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.

Mel Robbins 42:08 That's right, Trent. That's right. And none of us wanna see that, right? We wanna blame other people. But I love that Trent walked you and me step by step through how you can think about boundaries and why you need them. And I'll tell you why. Because your peace is worth protecting. And the thing that I keep thinking about over and over and over again, did you catch that part where he talked about your energy is a battery and that you spend more time trying to protect your iPhone and recharging your smartphone than you do protecting your own energy and recharging your own battery? And that's why I've come back to this over and over and over again. It's also one of the reasons why I love the let them theory so much. 'Cause let them, when you say let them, you know what that is? That's a boundary. You're drawing a boundary and saying, "I recognize that this is not a situation that I care to drain my energy over, so I'm gonna let them." And the second part, when you go, "Let me, let me focus on what's in my control, let me focus on what I wanna say, think, and do, let me protect my peace and preserve my energy and recharge myself," that's a boundary too. And so I just wanna thank Trent for giving you permission and showing up here with a level of urgency and honesty to say, "You tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept." So let them and start focusing on yourself, because it's gonna make you a heck of a lot happier. And speaking of happiness, that brings me to the

Mel Robbins 43:48 fifth person this year. I just find myself reflecting on this conversation a lot. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar. Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar is a globally recognized authority on happiness. He's known for his groundbreaking research on goals, motivation, and well-being, and he also taught two of Harvard's most popular courses ever taught. And those courses are Positive Psychology and the Psychology of Leadership, making his work foundational in the study of happiness. He is also the best-selling author of eight books, that's incredible, where he distills complex psychology into practical insights and empowers people worldwide to pursue a more fulfilling life. Now, he rolled into our Boston studios, and I gotta tell you, I don't know what was in the air, but one of the reasons why I remember this, and you're gonna hear it in the best of bloopers at the end of this episode, is the cameras kept breaking. It was almost like there were poltergeists in the studio. I'm sitting here with the world-renowned expert in happiness. He's got a big smile on his face. Click, camera turn off. Oh my gosh, we laugh. Click, camera turns off. Oh my God, it happened, like, 17 times. And you wanna know what? He's the real deal. He just sat there smiling, because he knows the meaning of happiness and he taught it to us in the conversation, and it was in this conversation that he revealed the major mistake that I had been making around happiness, and you might too. Now, I think I'm, like, a very happy person. I'm a very optimistic person. And up until this conversation, I had been trying to be a happy person, and then he comes out of nowhere and shares this piece of advice. I learned that every morning when I would wake up and say to myself, "Oh, Mel, you're gonna be happy today," I was actually doing something wrong. Check this out.

Guest 45:53 Research done, uh, quite, quite recently by a Professor Maus, M-A-U-S, showing that if I wake up in the morning and say to myself, "I wanna be happy," or, "Happiness is important for me," or, um, "It's a value for me," I will actually become less happy.

Mel Robbins 46:11 What? (laughs)

Guest 46:13 Which is-

Mel Robbins 46:13 Wait a minute.

Guest 46:13 Yeah. We-

Mel Robbins 46:14 Really?

Guest 46:15 That, that was exactly my reaction, "That's a problem." You know, and, and, you know, I read about this, you know, five years ago, and I said, "But, you know, that's what I'm dedicating my life to. Of course happiness is important for me." And yet, what the research clearly shows is that, um, this will make you less happy. So does this mean we should, um, kid ourselves, you know, say to ourselves, "You know, I don't wanna be happy. Wink, wink, I actually do." You know, self-deception is certainly not the path to happiness. So what do we do about it? Well, let me use an analogy that was very helpful for me in thinking about happiness. Imagine you go outside. It's a, it's a beautiful, sunny day-

Mel Robbins 46:52 Mm-hmm.

Guest 46:53 ... and you wanna enjoy the sun, so you look up at the sun directly. What happens? You hurt yourself. It burns. It hurts. You tear up. So looking at the sun directly hurts. However, what if you take a prism and you break the sunlight and then you look at what has just been broken, in other words, the colors of the rainbow-

Mel Robbins 47:17 Mm.

Guest 47:17 ... then you can look at the, the sunlight and enjoy it, but you're looking at it indirectly. It's the same with happiness. Pursuing it directly and saying, "I wanna be happy, happiness is important for me," that, that will make us unhappy. But if I break down happiness into its metaphorical colors of the rainbow and then pursue it indirectly, that is when I can actually become happier.

Mel Robbins 47:43 I wanna make sure you really understand the power of this metaphor. He's saying that if you and I stare intently at something that we think is gonna make us happier, like, let's just say you're single and you just think, "Oh my gosh, if only I can find the one, then I'm gonna be happier," or, "If I can make more money, I'm gonna be happier. If I can find a house to buy that I can, I'm gonna be happier," that that kind of pursuit of it and this intense focus, it's the same thing as staring at the sun.It creates blindness, makes you miserable. You see all these dots. That's- that's not gonna make you happy, is what he's saying. But when you break apart the sun through a prism, it casts a rainbow. And if you really stop and think about the power of that idea, the sun is a singular thing. When you break it apart through a prism and it creates a rainbow of a full range of colors, think about the massive amount of possibility in that. That there are so many things that make you happy, that even if you think about the band of purple, that the band of purple in a rainbow, it's not just one color of purple. It's this just shades and different hues of purple. What does that mean? What he's basically saying to you is, first of all, happiness is more than one thing. Happiness is made up of a bazillion different things that all come together to create this magnificent thing called a rainbow. Don't just stare at the sun. When you understand that it is comprised of so many things that are right around you and available to you, you don't have to go for it at all. You don't have to stare blindly at one thing. You can just welcome it in and appreciate all that's around you. I mean, it's just such a cool concept, and so I said to him, 'cause I started to wonder, okay, I really get this. And it's very much changed how I think about this, because I can now have one thing that's going really badly. Like, I can have a horrendous day at work or I can get very sad news, and then because I understand that the feeling of happiness in your life isn't the one thing, it's actually all things, that I still have the space to stare off at a sunset and allow it in. I still have the space to see my dogs playing with one another and to smile and to allow it in, that it's not just the thing that you think that's gonna make you happy, that you can be happier now by allowing yourself to be because it's all around you and it's in so many things that are right there. And so I was really

Mel Robbins 50:41 curious. I'm like, okay, what does the professor who taught two of the most popular courses ever at Harvard, what is his definition of happiness? And so I asked him, and this is what Dr. Ben-Shahar had to say.

Guest 51:00 There are five elements to happiness. There may be more, but five main elements to happiness-

Mel Robbins 51:07 Okay.

Guest 51:08 ... which, uh, we call the SPIRE elements.

Mel Robbins 51:10 The SPIRE.

Guest 51:11 S-P-I-R-E. S stands for spiritual wellbeing.

Mel Robbins 51:16 Okay.

Guest 51:16 Spiritual wellbeing is about, uh, of course, we can attain it through religion, but we can also find it through, uh, doing something that is meaningful to us, purposeful. Uh, by being mindful, by being present, we experience the- the spiritual. That's one of the colors of the rainbow. So if I wake up in the morning and say, "I wanna be happy," I'll be less happy. But if I wake up in the morning and say, "I wanna find something which is more meaningful to do-"

Mel Robbins 51:41 Mm-hmm.

Guest 51:41 "... or I'm gonna meditate for 10 minutes now," that is an indirect way of pursuing happiness. That's one of the colors. So that's the S of SPIRE. The P of SPIRE, that's physical wellbeing. Physical wellbeing is about nutrition. It's about, um, about rest and recovery, sleep. It's about, uh, uh, touch. It's about, um, what we eat that, of course, matters. So if I start to exercise regularly, that's an indirect way of pursuing happiness.

Mel Robbins 52:14 Hmm.

Guest 52:15 If I eat more healthfully, the same. Then we have the I of SPIRE. I stands for intellectual wellbeing. That's about, uh, curiosity, about asking questions, about constantly learning, about deep diving, whether it's into a text or a work of art or nature, and these are, again, all indirect ways of pursuing happiness. The fourth color of the rainbow, the R of SPIRE, relational wellbeing. Number one predictor of happiness, quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. So if I spend more time with my loved ones, indirectly pursuing happiness. And finally, the E of SPIRE, emotional wellbeing. Emotional wellbeing is first of all about giving ourselves the permission to be human. In other words, allowing the, um, embracing painful emotions that are natural parts of any life, even a happy life, sadness, anger, frustration. Allowing these emotions to freely flow through us paradoxically actually leads to more happiness. So these five elements of happiness, spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional wellbeing, are the metaphorical colors of the rainbow. And when we pursue them, we are actually pursuing happiness indirectly and becoming happier.

Mel Robbins 53:41 I love that. I absolutely love that. I guess he must be one of the most popular professors ever at Harvard, because I certainly learned a lot, and his perspective changed the way that I not only view happiness, but certainly how I experience it. While we're on the topic of happiness, let me just talk about something that can make you really unhappy, and that's not handling your money correctly. And it may surprise

Mel Robbins 54:07 you that one of my all-time favorite moments of the entire year-... happened to be when I sat down with a financial expert. But I gotta tell you, Tiffany's a genius. Like, you are literally gonna learn you don't need discipline, you need automation. She is gonna help you fight your humanness. She's gonna help you figure out what are your wants versus your needs. She's gonna make you think about a budget like your mother. She is also gonna tell you there's a moment where it's the truth time. Tissues and tears, baby. But most of all, she's a realist. She's been there. Her advice is hilarious, and it works. So check this out.

Tiffany Aliche 54:42 I want you to think about a budget the way, what I say is, like, how you think about, like, your mom, right? So you've got three kids, right?

Mel Robbins 54:48 Yeah.

Tiffany Aliche 54:49 And so if, like, say your son's like, "Oh," when he's little, you know, "Mom, can I have dessert?" You'd say, "Yes, after you have dinner."

Mel Robbins 54:56 Mm.

Tiffany Aliche 54:56 Or if your daughter says, "Mom, can I go outside to play?" "Yes, when you do your homework." You know? Or, you know, "Mom, can we go on vacation?" "Yes, if we lower this, this, you know, the light bill." So your budget is like your mom.

Mel Robbins 55:10 Mm.

Tiffany Aliche 55:10 She's there to say yes, when, if, after. So it's really a say yes plan, but one that's safely implemented so you can maintain the thing that you want, right?

Mel Robbins 55:22 Okay.

Tiffany Aliche 55:22 So you could call it a money list, that's what I usually start with 'cause people hate that name.

Mel Robbins 55:26 I like the name money list.

Tiffany Aliche 55:27 Yes.

Mel Robbins 55:27 What does a money list mean?

Tiffany Aliche 55:28 A budget.

Mel Robbins 55:29 Okay. I love this reframe-

Tiffany Aliche 55:32 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 55:32 ... because I hear the word budget, and I hear no and restriction.

Tiffany Aliche 55:35 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 55:36 And you're saying that the budget-

Tiffany Aliche 55:39 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 55:39 ... is how you say yes to what's important to you.

Tiffany Aliche 55:41 Yes. It's not there, actually, to tell me no. It's there to find the yes in the safest way possible.

Mel Robbins 55:47 So for somebody hearing you say that-

Tiffany Aliche 55:49 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 55:50 ... and they're like, "But I've never made a budget," or, "I've never stuck to one."

Tiffany Aliche 55:57 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 55:57 "I don't know what my budget should be." Like, where do you begin?

Tiffany Aliche 56:01 Step one is to write everything down, just the words of, what do I spend money on? Don't think about the month, just in general. So it's like, oh, the kids. Oh, credit card. Oh, grooming. Going out. Like, just, I want you to just write the words. Don't think about the money, just words.

Mel Robbins 56:15 Okay.

Tiffany Aliche 56:15 So that's first part.

Mel Robbins 56:16 Step one.

Tiffany Aliche 56:17 Yes. Then step two is now you say, "These words are on my money list. How much am I spending approximately monthly?" Some stuff you'll know, like your mortgage or your rent. Some stuff you might not be sure. Go pull out your bank statement and see on average the last few months how much you're spending on, on groceries or eating out or grooming.

Mel Robbins 56:33 Or electricity.

Tiffany Aliche 56:34 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 56:34 Or water.

Tiffany Aliche 56:35 Yes.

Mel Robbins 56:35 Or any of those things-

Tiffany Aliche 56:36 Yes.

Mel Robbins 56:36 ... that you don't even really think, "Oh my God, I got that bill."

Tiffany Aliche 56:39 Exactly, so then that's within a month frame on average, right?

Mel Robbins 56:42 Yep.

Tiffany Aliche 56:42 So that's step two.

Mel Robbins 56:43 Okay.

Tiffany Aliche 56:43 Then step three is to write down how much you make on average every month from all of your areas. So maybe you get alimony. Maybe you get child support. If you have a job, whatever that is, how much are you making monthly? Then you add up, step four, you add up how much you're spending monthly.

Mel Robbins 57:00 Mm-hmm.

Tiffany Aliche 57:00 And subtract it from how much you're making monthly. I call that the tears and tissues step 'cause usually people get there and they're like, "Can I have a tissue?" (laughs)

Mel Robbins 57:09 (laughs) And should you do this with a friend?

Tiffany Aliche 57:10 Yes.

Mel Robbins 57:11 Should we call Linda?

Tiffany Aliche 57:12 Yes. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 57:12 Okay.

Tiffany Aliche 57:12 Get your, get yourself a Linda, like, so, so literally, so I, when I used to do one-on-ones, we would do all that and people would be like, "Okay." And then I, I would literally just grab a box of tissues and just put it here 'cause I'm like, "It's about the water works."

Mel Robbins 57:24 It's coming.

Tiffany Aliche 57:24 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 57:24 It's coming.

Tiffany Aliche 57:25 'Cause, you know, they added up. I remember it was a nurse. Oh, I'll never forget. Um, I'll call her B, and I came to her house, and it was beautiful condo. And so we did that step, and she started crying, and then I started crying 'cause baby. I'm a baby. Um, and she was just like, "I didn't realize how much over I was spending." And she said, "As a matter of fact, I can't even afford the air conditioning. That's all... Can I turn it off?" And I was like, "Yes." (laughs)

Mel Robbins 57:47 (laughs)

Tiffany Aliche 57:47 "Yes." So we sat with the fan on because she just turned on the air conditioner 'cause I was coming over. So I was like, "Turn off the AC. A fan is fine." That tears and tissues step allows you to see what do you need to do now.

Mel Robbins 58:00 And so let's say you've done that, right?

Tiffany Aliche 58:04 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 58:04 And you've made the money list.

Tiffany Aliche 58:08 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 58:08 And you see what's coming in and what's coming out.

Tiffany Aliche 58:10 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 58:10 You're, like, faced with the reality.

Tiffany Aliche 58:12 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 58:12 Tears and tissues.

Tiffany Aliche 58:13 Yes.

Mel Robbins 58:14 And you see that you are outspending every month.

Tiffany Aliche 58:18 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 58:18 What's actually coming in.

Tiffany Aliche 58:19 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 58:20 What is the next step?

Tiffany Aliche 58:21 The next step is I want you to categorize your expenses before you get to slashing and dashing, you know? 'Cause that's what people wanna do. "I won't eat out. I won't-"

Mel Robbins 58:29 Yeah, "I'm never gonna eat again."

Tiffany Aliche 58:30 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 58:30 "Never gonna turn the lights on in this house."

Tiffany Aliche 58:32 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 58:32 "Get the candles."

Tiffany Aliche 58:34 So I'm like, "Categorize your expenses into three categories." One, I want you to write a B next to all the bills on your list. So bills are if you don't pay it, someone's gonna come knocking on your door and say-

Mel Robbins 58:46 Okay.

Tiffany Aliche 58:46 ... "Where's my money?" Right?

Mel Robbins 58:47 Yep.

Tiffany Aliche 58:47 So put a B next to all those things.

Mel Robbins 58:49 And give me an example. I know that sounds like a, a basic question, but is your mortgage a bill?

Tiffany Aliche 58:53 Yes, mortgage is a bill. Rent, um, car note, um-

Mel Robbins 58:57 Student loans.

Tiffany Aliche 58:57 ... your credit card, student loans. So if you don't pay, you're likely to be sued. Think about that.

Mel Robbins 59:02 Gotcha.

Tiffany Aliche 59:03 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 59:03 Like when you were like, uh, standing at Walmart or Sephora-

Tiffany Aliche 59:05 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 59:05 ... and you're like, "Yeah, I'd like 10% off this."

Tiffany Aliche 59:07 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 59:07 And then you're like, "Oh wait, that's a credit card."

Tiffany Aliche 59:09 Yes.

Mel Robbins 59:09 That's a bill.

Tiffany Aliche 59:09 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 59:10 Got it.

Tiffany Aliche 59:10 So-

Mel Robbins 59:10 Okay.

Tiffany Aliche 59:10 ... a B next to all your bills.

Mel Robbins 59:12 Okay.

Tiffany Aliche 59:12 And then, um, and those are really, like, fixed expenses, so that way you understand, right? And then I want you to put a U in front of any B that fluctuates based upon your usage.

Mel Robbins 59:23 Oh, I love that.

Tiffany Aliche 59:23 Mm-hmm. So I call these, like, the U stands for usage or utility.

Mel Robbins 59:27 So your student loan does not have a U.

Tiffany Aliche 59:30 Mm-mm.

Mel Robbins 59:30 Your mortgage or rent does not have a U.

Tiffany Aliche 59:33 Nope.

Mel Robbins 59:33 But the-

Tiffany Aliche 59:34 Water.

Mel Robbins 59:35 Water.

Tiffany Aliche 59:35 Electricity.

Mel Robbins 59:37 Oh, yeah. Your-

Tiffany Aliche 59:37 So your usage, mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 59:38 Yes, the data on your phone bill.

Tiffany Aliche 59:40 Yes. And so it's important to separate those two because I want you to, uh, you'll see that I want you to understand the level of control you have on these expenses. And whatever's not a B or UB, everything else is a C. C stands for cash or choice, meaning that you have full choice of how you spend here. So grooming might be left over. Groceries might be left over.

Mel Robbins 1:00:00 How much you're eating out with friends.

Tiffany Aliche 1:00:02 Yes. And so entertainment.

Mel Robbins 1:00:04 Yeah.

Tiffany Aliche 1:00:04 And so now, before you get to slashing, I want you to ask yourself, where is most of your money going? For many people, most of their money might be going to the Bs and UBs.

Mel Robbins 1:00:13 Uh-huh.

Tiffany Aliche 1:00:14 But for some people, it's actually all the Cs.

Mel Robbins 1:00:16 Yes.

Tiffany Aliche 1:00:16 So then I, then we have to identify, do you have a don't make enough issue or spend too much issue? And so if most of your money is going to the Bs and UBs, you might not make enough. So it's not about slashing.... because these are your bills.

Mel Robbins 1:00:30 Yeah.

Tiffany Aliche 1:00:30 You know? But if most of your money's going to your Cs, your choices and your cash expenses, then you probably have a spend too much issue, so now we need to slash.

Mel Robbins 1:00:38 Yes.

Tiffany Aliche 1:00:39 You know, because it's entertainment and grocery and, and all those things where your money is going. 'Cause what I find is that frugal people wanna get more frugal when things are tight. I'm like, "That's not the answer."

Mel Robbins 1:00:48 Right.

Tiffany Aliche 1:00:49 You know that instead, I want you to put your energy toward learning how to earn more if all of your money's going to your bills, because we're, what are we... We're cutting the mortgage? What are we cutting?

Mel Robbins 1:00:57 That's true.

Tiffany Aliche 1:00:58 You know?

Mel Robbins 1:00:58 You know, one of the things that I worry about, and I'd be curious to hear your perspective-

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:02 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:02 ... is that you and I both had the experience of being in college.

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:06 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:06 And it's that opening week, and literally at the opening registration fair-

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:12 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:01:12 ... there were banks-

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:13 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:13 ... with credit card tables. You get your Snickers bar when you sign up for one, and then it's free money. But I worry a lot about the fact-

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:24 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:25 ... that in today's world, particularly for people who are in their 20s and 30s-

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:34 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:34 ... that social media-

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:36 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:36 ... has become like shopping with a click.

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:41 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:01:41 And you and I had to leave our house-

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:43 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:44 ... to go spend money back in the day.

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:46 Yeah, yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:01:46 And when I think about TikTok or Instagram, every other fricking suggested thing has a shop now button.

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:53 Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:54 And stuff gets sent to your house.

Tiffany Aliche 1:01:56 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:01:57 And have you seen a big increase, because you've been doing this for a while-

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:02 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:02:03 ... and people in the spending category, that spending has gotten so easy-

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:08 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:02:08 ... because of social media? It's always in your face. You always see what you're missing out on. There's an influencer that has the product for free who's like, "This changed my life." And oh, click, click, click.

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:17 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:02:17 It's 11:30 at night.

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:19 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:02:19 So do you see a spike in this? Or is it-

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:22 Absolutely. Overconsumption is the new way. We all have so much that we don't need. I mean, even I sometimes, I'm like, "Tiffany, you do not need like another, like you don't need a vacuum." And I'm like, "But that one is so cool," you know? And I'm like, like there's this influencer who I follow, who I love her 'cause it's so aesthetically pleasing.

Mel Robbins 1:02:41 Yes.

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:42 But you know the ones that wear like everything in the kitchen is aesthetically pleasing?

Mel Robbins 1:02:45 Yes. It's just these Amazon shops-

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:46 Yes. Like yes-

Mel Robbins 1:02:47 ... so that I can click through to my Amazon thing.

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:48 Yes. So I can get-

Mel Robbins 1:02:49 I got this all for free, but I'm gonna make money on you buying it.

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:51 A container for the container.

Mel Robbins 1:02:52 Yes.

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:52 It's like well who wants to eat cereal out of a cereal box? We want to eat it out of a aesthetically pleasing glass container.

Mel Robbins 1:02:58 Yes.

Tiffany Aliche 1:02:58 Like, do I need an aesthetically pleasing? You don't.

Mel Robbins 1:03:00 Yes.

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:01 You know, so it is really hard. So that's why I don't believe in leaning so heavily on discipline when it comes to financial, like stick-to-it-ness, you know?

Mel Robbins 1:03:09 What do you believe in?

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:10 That I believe automation, automation, automation. That's the new discipline, that if we can put systems and automations in place, it will help to safeguard you because you're human.

Mel Robbins 1:03:19 Yeah.

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:19 So we're not here to fight against your humanness.

Mel Robbins 1:03:21 Right.

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:21 You know? I'm like for budgeting, for example, I do this thing where I call it budget without a budget. You go to HR. You say, "Hey, HR," or payroll, "I want to split my money before I get my money."

Mel Robbins 1:03:32 Oh, so you at your-

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:35 Company.

Mel Robbins 1:03:35 ... company level-

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:36 Yes, yes.

Mel Robbins 1:03:36 ... you basically say-

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:38 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:03:39 ... X% of-

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:40 Yes.

Mel Robbins 1:03:41 ... my paycheck-

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:42 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:03:42 ... is gonna go into checking account.

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:43 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:03:43 Do you have a particular percentage in mind?

Tiffany Aliche 1:03:45 Well, the good thing is people ask me that all the time. I'm like, "Well, we don't have to guess. Money list is right there saying, 'Hello.' We know how much you need to put in here.'"

Mel Robbins 1:03:53 You know, as I'm listening to her, I'm just smiling. Doesn't she make you wanna do a budget? You better believe she does, and she's gonna help you automate it because you deserve to get good with money, and she's gonna help you how. And so I hope that is a episode and that segment is something that you share with everybody that you love because everybody needs to hear it, and it's fun to listen to.

Mel Robbins 1:04:15 But that wasn't the moment that just rocked me to my core. It was at the very end, after we had spent an hour and a half talking budgets and bills and bankruptcy and automation, I asked her, "Do you have any final parting wisdom that you'd like to share?" And I did not see this coming.

Tiffany Aliche 1:04:52 Well, I don't know if you know this, Mel, but two and a half years ago, my husband passed away suddenly-

Mel Robbins 1:04:56 I did not know that.

Tiffany Aliche 1:04:56 ... from a aneurysm, so-

Mel Robbins 1:04:58 That sucks.

Tiffany Aliche 1:04:59 And so one thing I learned from that, aside from the financial component, which is that we did, I wanna say, 85 to 90% of the things right. So I get to just miss him. There's not the financial ruin that so many, so many women lose their partner and their home. That has not been the case for me. But what I did, what my therapist calls the gift of grief, is that it gave me perspective of what's really important, you know? Like that all of this that you're learning today is not for money's sake. It's for meaning's sake, you know?

Mel Robbins 1:05:32 Mm-hmm.

Tiffany Aliche 1:05:32 Like, I hope you remember to put that first and center that. Like what is the real thing that you're wanting? To what end? Time with family, time with friends, um, you know, like purpose, whatever that is, to center that and to use the money to match to it because you might already have enough, you know? I didn't know I had enough. I was like the driver, like, "Oh, babe, we could do this," and he'd be like, "Well, I like our house." You know, "We could get this car, you know, if I work even harder." He's like, "Well, the car's paid off. I like our car." His thing was always, 'cause I have a stepdaughter, Alyssa, he would always be like, "Well, if Lisa's good and you're good, I'm good."

Mel Robbins 1:06:08 Mm-hmm.

Tiffany Aliche 1:06:09 You know? And it took for him passing away to make me realize that-

Mel Robbins 1:06:14 Mm-hmm.

Tiffany Aliche 1:06:14 ... it's enough, like I have enough. I spend way more time with family and friends now. You know, like so all that I work toward is to just bring back to center, to enough. I don't need to collect any more like... You know, I'm, I'm so happy my book made the New York Times bestsellers list, but honestly, like what does that even mean?You know, we're here for a flash in the pan, and how will you spend that time? And I hope you spend it, like, on the things that mean the most, connectedness, love, um, purpose, and then you use your money as one of the tools to help you achieve that life.

Mel Robbins 1:06:48 You are a gift to all of us.

Tiffany Aliche 1:06:50 Thank you.

Mel Robbins 1:06:51 Thank you for absolutely everything that you've poured into us today. What's coming up for you?

Tiffany Aliche 1:07:01 I just miss him.

Mel Robbins 1:07:02 Aw.

Tiffany Aliche 1:07:04 He was a really good man.

Mel Robbins 1:07:06 He still is.

Tiffany Aliche 1:07:09 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:07:10 And he's really proud of you. It sounds like he taught you something-

Tiffany Aliche 1:07:15 So much.

Mel Robbins 1:07:16 ... that he could not teach you when he was still here.

Tiffany Aliche 1:07:18 So much, honestly. Like, I look back and I'm just like, "Ugh." I mean, candidly, I say this with so many women who are looking for partnership, my husband never made over $60,000 a year, and yet the way he looked after, like, all of us, I mean, he called my parents more than I did, you know? Like, he would, like, cut my nephew's hair. When he passed away, there was a little old lady down the street, who I'd never met, who knocked on my door and said, "I heard the gentleman here passed away." And I said, "Yes." She said, "You know, he'll, I'll really miss him. He used to rake my lawn." And I'm, I didn't even know that. But that's how he was, you know? Sometimes I think that we think more money, like, means that we could do more, and he was a testament that that's, you don't need, you can show up fully. So I just, yeah. He just, I just, it's a lo- it's, the loss is great, but not just mine. You know what I mean?

Mel Robbins 1:08:08 Yeah.

Tiffany Aliche 1:08:08 It's so like... But I'm just have, so blessed to have experienced that kind of love. I was loved so, so, so well, that even without him being here, that love still resonates, like, through me and around me in the, the people that he touched. So just really fortunate.

Mel Robbins 1:08:23 We're really fortunate that we have you. Thank you for sharing that.

Tiffany Aliche 1:08:27 Thank you.

Mel Robbins 1:08:28 You're welcome. I, um, I feel very grateful that you are now my friend.

Tiffany Aliche 1:08:36 Thank you.

Mel Robbins 1:08:37 Thank you. And the thing is, is that when you don't understand money, and you're gonna make me cry, when you don't understand money and you're really scared about where you are, it clouds everything that's important.

Tiffany Aliche 1:08:50 Yeah. Until it comes crashing in your face and you wish-

Mel Robbins 1:08:54 Right.

Tiffany Aliche 1:08:54 ... that, like, you know? So...

Mel Robbins 1:08:55 And you spend all your emotional energy in that shame.

Tiffany Aliche 1:08:59 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:09:00 And you not only miss the solutions, but you're not present for your life.

Tiffany Aliche 1:09:04 Yeah. Because there can, like, you know, there's so much joy to be had, even if you don't have, like, it's, if you don't have enough for your basic needs, obviously that's really hard. But for many people, that's actually not the case.

Mel Robbins 1:09:16 Yes.

Tiffany Aliche 1:09:17 You know? That we are making ourselves sick and unhappy from a place of, like, you actually have enough, and your kids are right here, they wanna play with you. You know? Like, you actually have enough and your wife wants to, like, watch a movie with you. You know, your parents wanna see you, and you actually have enough. And it's not gonna be until they're gone that you're like, "Oh, I wish I would have." You know?

Mel Robbins 1:09:38 Yeah.

Tiffany Aliche 1:09:38 And so, like, I'm fortunate that I, something in me, I mean, I believe in a divine power, like a... And a year and a half be- before Darrelle passed away, it was like this sense that came over me, like, "You need to spend a lot of time with your husband." Like, he wasn't sick or anything like that. I just was like, 'cause I just was working so much.

Mel Robbins 1:09:56 Right.

Tiffany Aliche 1:09:56 I mean, my business had hit eight figures in a year, and I was like, "Oh." And then something was like, "Yeah, making a lot, but also it's taking a toll." And it was like, "I think you need to slow down and, like, focus here." And so I did. So the last year and a half of my marriage went from good to great. And I'm so grateful that I listened to that inner-

Mel Robbins 1:10:14 Yeah.

Tiffany Aliche 1:10:15 ... thing that said, "Tiffany." So we had, like, Friday, uh, date nights. You know, like I, I didn't work on Fridays, and I would stop working at 5:00 'cause he got off at 5:00 so we could hang out after work. I wasn't doing that before. I used to work from, like, you know, 7:00 to, to 10:00 every day regardless, you know? And so I look back at the time and I'm so grateful, you know? That, like, he always loved me well and I got to really love him well in that time, you know? And so there's not much I regret other than I just wish he was here, obviously.

Mel Robbins 1:10:44 Yeah.

Tiffany Aliche 1:10:44 You know, but I think about our love, I think about all the things that we did together.

Mel Robbins 1:10:48 That's beautiful.

Tiffany Aliche 1:10:49 You know? So, yeah. But it's just, yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:10:53 Ooh (sighs) .

Tiffany Aliche 1:10:54 I'm sorry, guys (laughs) . I know it's-

Mel Robbins 1:10:56 Why are you apologizing? That's-

Tiffany Aliche 1:10:57 No, 'cause I just don't wanna bring the energy down.

Mel Robbins 1:11:00 You didn't. You lifted it up.

Tiffany Aliche 1:11:03 Thank you.

Mel Robbins 1:11:03 You made it way more important, honestly.

Tiffany Aliche 1:11:06 Thank you.

Mel Robbins 1:11:07 No, thank you. Thank you.

Mel Robbins 1:11:10 And it wasn't just a moment that moved me. Thousands of you took the time to write to me about it. I'm not even talking about the number of you that commented on it, or that left reviews about that episode, or shared that episode with the people that you love. Thousands of you from around the world took the time to write to me at melrobbins.com. I mean, within days, they just came pouring in. Comments like this one from Jennifer. "The last few minutes of this hit hard. My husband was a financial advisor for a large firm and he had a lot of similar philosophies as Tiffany. My husband also passed away last year. When she broke down, I felt it hard. She is so right about spending money on memories. I'm planning a big trip, an expensive one (laughs) with my sons because we've gone through a lot with the loss of their dad. It will be so worth every penny because we will remember it forever. Our family was so focused on saving and paying off debt that we didn't make those amazing family memories when he was alive, and I don't wanna leave this Earth without my kids having those memories with me."It makes you really stop and think, why you're working so hard if you never stop and allow yourself to actually enjoy it. I will never forget that conversation with Tiffany, and it has fundamentally changed the way that I think about money, the way I think about the importance of memories and time with the people that you love while you have it, and slowing down and allowing myself to enjoy the time that I have, that rainbow that Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar was talking about. Because as I often say, there's an invisible clock that none of us can see, and so while you still got the time, I deeply truly hope you choose to make the most of it. (exhales) I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending so much time with me this year. It's such an honor to be together with you, to take walks with you, to ride in the car with you, and I do not take your trust or the fact that you spend your time and your energy with me lightly. It is one of the greatest gifts that I've ever received in my life, and I'm gonna do everything I can to make everything that we do next year even more amazing than the topics that we covered this year. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And one of the things that is extraordinarily clear from all of the experts and the time that we've spent together this year is that allowing yourself to enjoy what you have is one way that you can create a better life right now. All righty, I'll see you in the next episode. And thank you for watching all the way to the end and for being here for this year of extraordinary Mel Robbins podcast episodes. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends. It means everything to me. One thing I wanna ask of you, if I've ever made a difference in your life, if I've ever helped you out, I would love it if you would hit subscribe, and here's why. It's free and it's a way that you can support me, and I know you're the kind of person who loves supporting people who support you, so thank you, thank you, thank you for doing it. It just shows me that you really enjoy what we're putting out. It supports the team and our ability to bring you more videos that help you change your life. And I know you're probably thinking, okay, I hit subscribe, Mel, tell me what video to watch next. You got it. I think you should check out this one, and I'm gonna be waiting for you in it the moment you hit play.