Try It For 1 Week: 3 Small Habits That Change Your Body, Energy, And Life

1. 0:00 – 1:13

   Welcome

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      Are you confused by all the health advice out there? I know I am. One day it's keto, then it's vegan, then plant-based. No wait, carnivore is the answer. Lift heavy, go for a walk, pilates, hike a mountain, train like a Navy SEAL. I mean, it's like you're supposed to biohack, hormone panels, cold plunge, add salt, cut caffeine, track your sleep, eat more protein, or was it less? Oh my God, anybody else out there feel like you got wellness whiplash? There are three health habits that move the needle more than anything else. That's what all 53 health, happiness, and medical experts agree on, three. What are those three habits? Sleep? Nope. Drink more water? Nope. Diet? Nope. You gotta buy some supplements or some fancy equipment? Nope. This episode is the health reset, no fluff, gimmicks. No shame, just a clear, science-backed cheat sheet because this doesn't have to be complicated. You're about to hear the most compelling moments from four of those experts who summarize the three habits that everybody agrees on. The number one thing you have to do for better health, for longevity, for happiness, it's...

2. 1:13 – 3:37

   The 3 Small Health Habits to Change Everything

   1. MRMel Robbins1:13

      Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here with me right now. I am fired up for what we're gonna talk about today because you know I love making things simple, and we are gonna simplify health and wellness today with some world-renowned experts. And I also wanna tell you, if you're a new listener, I just wanted to take a moment and welcome you personally to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad you're here, and because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I already know about you, even though we may not have met in person yet. I know you're the kind of person who truly values your time because you've made the time to listen to something that could help you be healthier. I want you to have the CliffsNotes because the health information out there, it is so complicated. You know, you think, "I really wanna feel better, but where do I even start?" The one thing that I hear again and again and again from you and from your fellow listeners of this podcast is, "Okay, all of this is incredible and I feel a lot smarter, but I only have 24 hours in a day and I only have 20 minutes to truly prioritize for myself. What do I focus on, Mel?" And that's why I did the hard work for you. I went back with my team and read through 53 podcast episode transcripts. Mm-hmm, 53. That means 53 conversations that I've had with world-leading doctors, pioneering scientists and researchers. I pored over their research, their tools, their advice, and after digging through all of this, something became very clear. Living a healthier life isn't complicated. There are three simple habits that make the biggest difference, three small, science-backed steps that are gonna improve your health, boost your energy, and change how you feel, and I'm talking, like, immediately. And you're about to hear the most compelling moments from four of those experts who summarize the three habits that everybody agrees on. Just take a minute. If you had to guess, what are those three habits? Like, if you had to bottom line it, I was gonna put you right on the spot right now, you're on the Mel Robbins Podcast, what are those three habits? Sleep? Nope. Drink more water? Nope. Diet? Nope. You gotta buy some supplements or some fancy equipment?

3. 3:37 – 16:09

   Health Habit #1: Exercise is the Ultimate Medicine

   1. MRMel Robbins3:37

      Nope. In fact, I'm gonna come right out and predict that two of the habits aren't even on your radar, and while two of them are gonna be a surprise, one of them probably isn't, and that's the one we're gonna start with. It's exercise. Now, don't turn this off. I know you've heard everybody talk about it. You gotta move your body, but when you hear the first two experts that I'm going to bring on in just a few seconds, they're gonna make a case for why exercise is like numero uno. This is the most important thing you can do. When you hear how they talk about it, you're gonna be like, "I'm in." Then the second expert that I'm gonna bring on to talk about this is going to tell you the simplest way to do this and it's not that hard and you don't have to buy anything and you're gonna just love this 'cause today on the Mel Robbins Podcast, we're making health easy. We're bottom lining it for you, okay? So, you ready for this? 'Cause we got three habits, we got four experts, the first habit's exercise. This comes up again and again and again and again and so even though I hate to have to exercise, I know I gotta move my body and so do you. In fact, 18 medical experts that have appeared on this podcast have said the number one thing you have to do for better health, for longevity, for happiness, it's exercise. That's the number one habit. And let me be clear about something. I'm not talking about losing weight. This isn't about pushing some kinda workout or chasing the perfect body. We're gonna talk about how exercise is the single best habit that will help you be healthy, that will help you feel great as you age, that will help you have a longer life. It's gonna help you effectively beat disease. Exercise is how you create the energy so you can show up for yourself and your life. Exercise helps you become more focused at work. Exercise is gonna help you be more connected with yourself and others. Every expert, I'm talking every single one, even the psychologists say the same thing. Exercise, it's not optional. You're designed to move, and I think you know this. Sometimes you have to hear it and you have to hear it from somebody who is so well-respected and just has a way of talking about it, and you also need to be told you don't have to spend 60 minutes doing this. I can't wait 'til you hear the prescription.... of what to actually do to get the benefits of exercise immediately. Because the fact is, the most reliable, most effective thing that you can do to boost your mood, protect your heart, sharpen your brain, and add quality years to your life, can I get an amen? This is the baseline. You wanna feel better? You gotta start here. Move your body. Because every world-class medical expert and researcher that I talk to says the same thing, including the single most respected scientist in the entire world. I'm talking about none other than Dr. Eric Topol. Check out the credentials on Dr. Topol. Dr. Topol is in the top 10 most cited medical experts alive today. His work has over 365,000 scientific citations. Let that sink in. 365,000. Dr. Topol is a pioneering cardiologist, a longevity expert. He's the founder of Scripps Research and a leader in genomics, AI, and precision medicine. His latest New York Times bestseller is called SuperAgers. That book and his research in the book, research he's about to share with you, has been endorsed by five Nobel Prize winners. Your friend Mel Robbins, I'm not kidding around. I pulled in the heavies today, even though we're gonna make this simple. And based on 30-plus years of research, Dr. Topol can boil down health to this. Exercise is the one thing that helps it all. And, you know, I'm about to bring Dr. Eric Topol on, and I really wanna set up what you're about to hear, because world-renowned Dr. Eric Topol has crunched all the data and research on this, and even he is startled by the findings. He's about to explain to you that exercise is the single habit that can reverse your biological age. Take a listen.

   2. ETDr. Eric Topol8:12

      Turns out that exercise is the only thing we know that lowers our biological age, okay? So, it, it, your, the gap between your real age and your biological age is widened. There's nothing that we can talk about that exceeds exercise for decreasing our aging process, our body-wide aging process. And again, we wouldn't have known about this if there hadn't been all this science of aging.

   3. MRMel Robbins8:37

      So, let's just say, Dr. Topol, that I'm sitting in your office and I've brought along my husband, and he has not been taking good care of himself. And I, I have a feeling that you are often finding yourself being both a marriage therapist and a medical doctor with your patients, and I also have a feeling that there are a large number of people around the world who are gonna not only be excited about what you're sharing for themselves, but they're gonna share this with somebody that they care about. And so, what would you prescribe as one of the most respected and cited researchers and medical doctors in the world i- in the science of aging? What is your prescription for the minimum, the minimum (laughs) amount that we should be doing every week?

   4. ETDr. Eric Topol9:26

      Yeah.

   5. MRMel Robbins9:26

      What would you say?

   6. ETDr. Eric Topol9:27

      As long as you are getting at least 30 minutes of constant motion-

   7. MRMel Robbins9:32

      Okay.

   8. ETDr. Eric Topol9:32

      ... getting your heart rate up-

   9. MRMel Robbins9:33

      Okay.

   10. ETDr. Eric Topol9:33

       ... you know, g- taking your body out on the highway, if you will-

   11. MRMel Robbins9:36

       Yep. Yep.

   12. ETDr. Eric Topol9:37

       ... at least 30 minutes five times a week.

   13. MRMel Robbins9:39

       Okay.

   14. ETDr. Eric Topol9:39

       Ideally every day, if you can do that-

   15. MRMel Robbins9:41

       Gotcha.

   16. ETDr. Eric Topol9:41

       ... but if you're getting five days a week, is I, typically when I talk to my patients, I'll say, "All right, when are we gonna do this? What time of day works for you? You know, you're not a morning person, you're not gonna..." Uh, also, um, "How are we gonna do this? Are we gonna go to the gym? Do you have some equipment at home?" Or, you know, "Can you go outside and walk?" Or whatever. Uh, to fit that in, figure that out, and it not just the aerobic side, but then, you know, things like bands to increase resistance-

   17. MRMel Robbins10:07

       Mm-hmm.

   18. ETDr. Eric Topol10:08

       ... they're very inexpensive-

   19. MRMel Robbins10:09

       Mm-hmm.

   20. ETDr. Eric Topol10:09

       ... and they can be so much, uh, of a, a plus for promoting, uh, muscle strength. And things like, you know, standing on one leg for a minute, uh, alternating your course on w- each foot, and you'll notice quickly as you do this for weeks that, "Wow, I am more fit than I've been in a long time. I have better posture. I have, um, you know, better balance, and also-"

   21. MRMel Robbins10:32

       "My golf swing is better."

   22. ETDr. Eric Topol10:33

       Everything.

   23. MRMel Robbins10:34

       "Everything."

   24. ETDr. Eric Topol10:34

       And so we just can't do enough of this, and of course, the byproduct of this is we get that l- uh, lesser biologic age, which is gonna be helpful across the board for the major age-related diseases. Cancer, cardiovascular, and neurodegenerative like dementia, Alzheimer's, those three diseases take more than 20 years to take hold. So if we plan enough in advance, we can prevent those diseases from ever occurring, and particularly those people who are at high risk. So it's an exciting opportunity that we're only realizing now that we have ways to prevent age-related diseases.

   25. MRMel Robbins11:12

       I mean, let's be honest. When he really in his most respected scientist sort of way just lays it all out there, it's kind of unbelievable, right? Because it's right under your nose. I've already said this, but Dr. Topol is legit one of the most respected medical researchers alive on the planet, and he's telling you and I that we gotta exercise, because it just stimulates all of this natural amazingness that is in your body that helps you live longer, feel better, fight disease, have more energy. And it's not just him. Some of the most trusted, popular, and acclaimed medical experts that we have had on this show that range from all kinds of disciplines, like Dr. Stacie Sims from Stanford...... who studies physiology and the science of exercise as it relates to women. Dr. Wendy Suzuki, who's at NYU, and she is a neuroscientist that, that teaches about and studies the brain. Dr. Rangan Chatterjee, who's UK's number one doc. Dr. Gabrielle Lyon, who has a PhD and studies the physiology of muscle structure, which is the largest organ in your body. Dr. Mark Hyman, who's a renowned holistic health expert. OB-GYN, Dr. Jessica Shepherd, and menopause expert, Dr. Mary-Claire Haver, have also said the same thing too. Number one intervention, exercise. And here's what I really wanna underscore for you. It doesn't have to be hard. Like, he didn't say you gotta run a marathon. He didn't say you have to sign up for a gym membership or buy fancy leggings or jump into some trendy program. He didn't say you have to get a weighted vest or do some weird, like, warm-up routine. You can just walk. Just get moving. That's it. According to a recent Harvard Health study, the average person spends 10.4 hours a day sitting. That doesn't even include the eight hours that hopefully you're laying on it because you're sleeping. And look, I get it. I'm not placing blame on you. I'm, this is one of those conversations where I'm kinda talking to myself here, and I'm talking to you while I'm talking to myself. But I sit when I work, unless I'm on tour. I do have that problem too. I'm sitting too much. Well, here's what it tells me. If you have the chance to move, even if it's 15 minutes between meetings, even if it's getting up and taking a walk during your lunch break, move. Because it's not only gonna give you more energy, it's gonna make you feel better. It's gonna improve your overall health. And according to what Dr. Topol shares, it reverses your biological age. Did you get that? I love that. Simply exercising reverses my biological age? What he's actually talking about is slowing down the aging process in your cells. I'll have some of that 'cause that's kinda cool. I love that I can do that by moving my body rather than putting some substance in it to try to do that. And I love how Dr. Topol said, did you catch it when he said, "You'll never be disappointed when you choose to exercise." It's so true. I say this to myself all the time. I never regret moving my body. You're never gonna regret moving your body. It's so true. Why do we hate exercising so much if the second that we're done with the walk, we're like, "I'm so glad we went on that walk." The second that you decide to put on that streaming class, you're so happy when it's over. The second that you dance at the wedding, you're like, "Why don't I dance more often? I feel better after." It's like you have this little spark of pride, like, "Yeah, I did that." That spark, it adds up, and it pushes you forward. It reminds you of what you're supposed to feel like, right? That's why it feels so good 'cause you're like, "Oh, yeah. If I wasn't sitting on my ass 10.4 hours a day, this is what life would feel like." Well, Dr. Topol is here to tell you, you wanna feel happier, you wanna feel healthier, you wanna live longer, you wanna have more energy and more focus, exercise. I know exactly what you're thinking, "I bought in, Mel. I gotta move my body." But let's just be honest with each other. "I'm also confused about what I'm supposed to do when it comes to exercise. Pilates, yoga, resistance training? Am I doing HIIT classes? Am I skipping rope? Am I lifting weights? Am I stretching? Am I doing hot yoga, yin yoga? I, I don't know what to do. How long should I walk?" It is so confusing, and this is what I love about our second medical expert that is gonna weigh in on our number one habit, which is exercise. I absolutely love her because she is going to recommend a simple way for you to just start moving your body. These are the simple things to do.

4. 16:09 – 28:27

   15 Minutes a Day Changes Your Life

   1. MRMel Robbins16:09

      You can do it without any equipment. You don't have to spend any money. It doesn't matter if you're in shape or you're out of shape. You need to do these three things, and she's gonna explain what they are. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about none other than Dr. Vonda Wright. Dr. Wright is a renowned, double board-certified orthopedic surgeon. She specializes in hip preservation, musculoskeletal aging, and sports medicine. She's treated over 100,000 patients at the University of Pittsburgh. She was the medical director of the UPMC Sports Complex. She also ran some of their biggest research programs, including the Performance and Research Initiative for Masters Athletes. Dr. Vonda Wright is internationally recognized for her research on movement and longevity, and her work, it is deeply impacted how I think about my own body and not just the importance of exercise, but the kind of exercise that matters, because her research proves something that most of us get wrong. Getting older doesn't mean getting weaker. It means getting smarter about how you move. See, there's a different possibility for how you can experience your life and your future and energy and what you can tap into if you not only exercise, but you think about exercise a different way. And even if you've let yourself go for years, even if you're listening to me right now, and you're like, "Oh, my God, Mel, I sit on my butt for 20 hours a day. 90, 10.4 would be really good. I'm in the worst shape of my life, woman. Where do I even start?" We're gonna start with Dr. Vonda Wright. This is how you get back into shape, and this is how you keep yourself in good shape. And she's going to show you a simple science-backed protocol that will help your body function better and work for you.And she's gonna give you a whole new way to see the intelligent, miraculous design of your body, and how to leverage it for the rest of your life. You can get stronger. If you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s, heck, 70s, your muscles are designed to get stronger until the day you drop dead. Your body loves this. It knows how to do it, it responds to it. You can feel better at any age, no matter how young or old you are, no matter how fabulous or how flabulous you are right now, okay? Dr. Vonda Wright is with us, and she is about to tell you the simple way that you need to be moving your body, and you can start today. Check this out.

   2. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)18:47

      If we were designed to sit still night and day, we would not be designed with our strongest muscles below our belly buttons. We would be sessile like a mushroom with this giant stalk and all the good stuff on top, right?

   3. MRMel Robbins19:00

      Wait, what does sessile mean?

   4. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)19:02

      So, you know, Jabba the Hutt had this... You remember from Star Wars-

   5. MRMel Robbins19:05

      Of course.

   6. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)19:05

      ... this guy in the bar?

   7. MRMel Robbins19:07

      Burr-burr-burr-burr, yes.

   8. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)19:08

      Yeah, had this giant blubberous appendage he kinda laid on.

   9. MRMel Robbins19:12

      Yes.

   10. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)19:13

       Mushrooms have this giant stalk which doesn't go anywhere, right? So, if we were meant to be immobile, we would've been designed like one of those two beings, but we were not. We were designed with the strongest muscles below our belly buttons. We have two legs. What is the first independent skill we ever learn? Walking. We need to be spending at least three hours a week walking-

   11. MRMel Robbins19:40

       Okay.

   12. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)19:40

       ... broken up into 45-minute sessions. So, put on your favorite podcast, go learn all week, right?

   13. MRMel Robbins19:47

       So, that's four... Go for a walk four times.

   14. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)19:50

       At least four times a week.

   15. MRMel Robbins19:51

       Okay.

   16. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)19:52

       Right? At a brisk pace, not so fast that you're out of breath, but not so slow that you can solve world peace in your conversation. A minimum of twice a week, minimum of twice a week, we must learn to lift heavy. And listen-

   17. MRMel Robbins20:05

       How heavy.

   18. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)20:06

       Yeah, I know. I don't expect you to power lift right out the door, but what I do expect you to do is learn to lift your own body weight. Every woman should be able to do 11 push-ups. Regular push-ups.

   19. MRMel Robbins20:18

       O- On the knees okay?

   20. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)20:20

       No.

   21. MRMel Robbins20:20

       Oh, my God.

   22. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)20:22

       But listen, you can build up to that. I used to st- teach classes at, uh, Pittsburgh called START, and I did it for nine years. My starters started out with 51% body fat. They could not hold a plank and literally couldn't walk around the track. Over a three-month period, we met with them twice a week. We did variety of weight-bearing exercises. They not only completed a 3.2-mile walk-run, which was our goal, they could hold a plank for two minutes.

   23. MRMel Robbins20:52

       Wow.

   24. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)20:53

       I know. So-

   25. MRMel Robbins20:55

       11 push-ups.

   26. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)20:56

       11 push-ups.

   27. MRMel Robbins20:56

       I got it. Start on our knees, but we gotta be able to get to 11 push-ups.

   28. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)20:59

       We have to be able to get up.

   29. MRMel Robbins21:01

       Okay.

   30. GEGuest (exercise & movement expert)21:01

       Upper body strength is critical for women.
5. 28:27 – 37:05

   Health Habit #2: Put Down the Phone

   1. MRMel Robbins28:28

      Put the phone down. Mm-hmm. It's so obvious. Less scrolling, less screen time. Like, just stop and think from a health perspective. What is it doing to your brain? What is it doing to your nervous system? We're talking about your health, both your mental health, your physical health, your relationships, your time, your life, your energy, all of it. Everybody, including you, is addicted to their phone, you, me, everyone. I am a recovering addict, period. The phone is glued to your hand, and you don't realize how much it is not only draining you of your time, but is draining you of your life force and making you unhealthy. And you might be thinking, "Oh, come on, Mel, that nightly scroll on TikTok and Instagram, th- th- that's not bad." It is. It is. According to Dr. Adam Alter, a top researcher at NYU and a best-selling author, if you add up the amount of time that the average person, that's you and me, the average amount of time in your life that you spend scrolling, how much of your life do you think you're going to waste scrolling? Nope. It's way worse than what you think. 20 years. 20 years of your life just gone. Gone. Into what? Meta? Into... Where is it? Like, just let that sink in. I don't think anybody gets to their deathbed and they're like..."I should have spent more time on my phone. I really blew it. I really blew it. Oh, my God, my life would have been so much better if I had just spent more time on my phone." Of course not. You know, and, and here's the thing, that's a real number. In fact, the Pew Research Institute says 31% of Americans are online almost constantly, two and a half hours a day just scrolling through social media. And over a full month every year, just flipping through content as if your time doesn't mean anything. And you wonder why you feel anxious, unfulfilled, disconnected. I used to feel that way too. You wonder why you feel lonely and you're surrounded by people. It's because you're in a relationship with your phone and you're pouring 20 years of your life into a screen. How is that healthy? Literally, how is that healthy? That's why the next health habit, health habit number two, is not about cardio or macros or supplements or hydration. It's about presence. It's about waking the hell up and reclaiming your time and your attention and your peace of mind, and yes, your relationships. Because if your phone is always in your hand, your attention is in the phone. And if you've got kids at home this summer and the nagging's already started, right? You're the one doing the nagging. "Get off the phone. Turn the video game... Do you really need to play that video at full volume?" And have you ever noticed when you're doing that, you've got your phone in your hand? I've said those things too. The truth is, I've been pointing fingers when I should have been holding up a mirror, because it's not just your kids' tech habits that are the problem, or your friends' tech habits, or your partner who plays video games, or any of it. This is my problem too, and this is your problem too. And the best part about this as a health habit is that you don't have to add anything. This is something to remove. And what do you get in return when you remove the phone from your hand? The health benefits are incredible and they're immediate. You feel more connection, more joy, and yes, you have better health. You know, in fact, there was a study that came out a week ago. This is a peer-reviewed study that has been widely reported now, where researchers and scientists restricted people's access to a smartphone for 72 hours. And check this out. In just 72 hours, let's talk about the health benefits to your brain. They saw brain activity changing in the areas of the brain that are about impulse control and cravings. And more importantly, 72 hours of restricting access to a smartphone resets your dopamine and serotonin systems. This is so important, and it's also about connection, because the more that you're present, the more you're present with the people that you care about, the more connected you are and in the moment, the more joy you feel. And yes, the healthier you are. You wanna know why you're so stressed out all the time? It's all this time you're pouring into staring at other people living the lives that you think that you should be living. It's reading these headlines that are making you panic-stricken. It's constantly being online and lying to yourself and saying that you gotta be online all the time or you're gonna get fired. It just breeds more stress. And so if you wanna live longer, if you wanna enjoy your life more, if you wanna be healthier and happier, of course you do, habit number two, restrict the amount of time you spend on the phone. One of the ways that I do this, this has changed my life, it has changed my life as much as exercise, is I don't have my phone on my person. I know that sounds like a weird way to say it. But if I have my phone in my back pocket or it's on me, I will look at it. And people constantly tell me, "I can never get a hold of you. Why didn't you respond to the email and the text?" I'm like, "'Cause my phone's not on me." I am so much more present. I'm so much more less stressed out. It's, like, absolutely amazing. I cannot highlight this enough. And in order to bring habit number two home, I wanted you to hear the reason why this is so important from one of the most powerful voices in psychology and parenting today, Dr. Shefali. And the reason why I'm bringing in parenting is because, you know, we often tell our kids what to do, but that's not actually how you parent. Your kids are watching. They're watching your example. So as you're shouting at everybody to get off their phones and to be present and then you turn back to your phone and start scrolling again or working, you're not modeling what you're saying. Dr. Shefali is a clinical psychologist with a doctorate from Columbia University. She's one of the most cited and respected voices in the field of family dynamics, and she's also known as the pioneer of the conscious parenting movement. Now, her work blends Western psychology with Eastern philosophy in a way that's both simple but profound and very, very practical and relatable to life in the modern world. Dr. Shefali is a New York Times best-selling author of seven books. Uh-huh, seven. She hosts an incredible podcast called Parenting & You!, and here's what she has to say about technology. She says it's affecting the way you show up for yourself and for the people that you love. Like, just think about that. Technology isn't just robbing you of your time because you know that, and that's not causing you to change your habits, because technology's designed to make you addicted to it. But when you start to think about it as impacting your health negatively, I mean, of course it does, because it makes you depressed and anxious and stressed out. It wastes your time, which makes you depressed and anxious and stressed out. It shoves all these examples and comparison in your face, which makes you stressed out, anxious, and depressed. And when you're looking at your phone that much, guess what you're doing? You're sitting on your rear end.And so, you're sedentary. But when you also add in the way that your addiction to technology is making you miss your life, and it's making you not be present for the people that you love, you gotta have boundaries with it. And I want you to listen really closely 'cause I'm gonna begin with a question to Dr. Shefali, because I think it's important to get the Google Earth point of view.

6. 37:05 – 49:48

   Top Psychologist Explains How to Have More Connection in Your Life

   1. MRMel Robbins37:06

      How is social media, from a health standpoint and relationship standpoint, impacting kids, and in particular, their relationship with their parents and their friends? This is what Dr. Shefali had to say. (graphics whooshing)

   2. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)37:23

      (sighs) You know, and I know it's been talked about a lot, but I think it's never enough-

   3. MRMel Robbins37:28

      Yes.

   4. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)37:28

      ... um, how disconnecting social media is. You know, what used to be a photo on your fridge being commented upon by your nasty auntie is now out there for the world to comment on. And young children, teenagers especially, are not equipped to handle that degree of self-criticism, that degree of scrutiny, judgment, scorn, degradation, racism, ageism, sexism. They're not yet equipped. So when we allow our children to be exposed to this vast milieu of strangers and their toxicity into your child's life, you're actually not protecting your children.

   5. MRMel Robbins38:11

      Mmm.

   6. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)38:11

      Right? Just like you wouldn't let them go and travel the world e- when they're eight, because who knows who they will meet and can they navigate the, the scary, risky territories of the unknown foreign country? In the same way, giving your child access to strangers in such an indiscriminate way is like saying, "Here, go. Go, go. If you get raped, if you get, you know, damaged, if you get stolen from, oh, well." You know? That's what's happening to our children's psychology, and that's why our children are showing acute signs of distress. Are we listening? Uh-

   7. MRMel Robbins38:46

      No.

   8. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)38:46

      (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins38:46

      We're not.

   10. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)38:47

       Right.

   11. MRMel Robbins38:47

       We're not.

   12. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)38:48

       Right. We've disconnected even more, right? And, and this is because we, as parents, are not grounded in our own present moment. The present moment scares us so much that we're so relieved (laughs) , right? If you look at any bus stop, any train station, where are we looking? Down on our phones. I'm guilty of this 100%, and I have to catch myself and go, "Oh my goodness, where did the last 10 minutes go?" And life is telling us, life, life is always reminding us, "Hey, listen, I'm fragile. Don't waste me. I'm not here forever. Pay attention to me. I'm beautiful. I am your greatest dopamine hit. I am the greatest intoxicant of, of euphoria. Pay attention to me. I'm for free." Life is always beckoning to us, but we're not paying attention. Then we have children, and we don't pay attention. Then we have the relationship, and we don't pay attention. And then, we have the terminal illness. Maybe then, we'll pay attention.

   13. MRMel Robbins39:46

       Well, the invitation today is to wake the hell up-

   14. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)39:49

       Yes.

   15. MRMel Robbins39:49

       ... and start paying attention.

   16. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)39:50

       Yes. So parents who are listening may be thinking, "Oh my goodness, I've missed it. I didn't know this," and they're sitting with regret or feeling blame and guilt and shame. Okay, I understand that. The reason you have guilt and shame is because you're missing the power of this message, which I'm about to say. It's not about the past anymore. So it's about the present moment, right? So now what do I do tomorrow or today with my child right here, right now? Well, we d- (laughs) we don't tell our child, "You know what? I heard Dr. Shefali and Mel talk about the phone. Let's throw away our phones." You don't do that. You don't come attacking with your sermons and your lectures and your wisdom. You begin to show up with a curiosity about who it is they are. You begin to show up with, um, this desire to know who it is they are as humans. No human, I believe, will turn away from another human who's genuinely curious about them. Show up as interested. Look at them as if they're the most amazing human being. Every single bud of a child will blossom into a flower under that gaze. There's no human being... It may take time, depending on the ravages of the wreckage of the past, (laughs) but no human being will turn down from somebody who's looking at them as if they're the only person on Earth. Now, if you begin to look at your child and give them that unconditional whole presence, without tarnishing them, without seeking to fix, micromanage, do their hair, change their clothes, give them advice, they will blossom under your gaze. They will come to you like a flower to the sun. It is human nature. This is what we are seeking at the most desperate level. This is the reason why we go to our phones. So if you go beneath-

   17. MRMel Robbins41:29

       Hmm.

   18. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)41:29

       ... to the need, why are our children going to the phones? Why are we going to the phones? It's because it gives us safety. It gives us security. It allows us to check out from our anxiety. Okay. So now, if I can provide that for my child and for my loved ones, they will come to me. They will, they will prefer me over the phone. But you have to become that energy. You have to become the energy greater than the phone. You have to be the dopamine hit bigger than the phone. You have to be the attractant larger than life. N- and I'm not saying wear a clown suit and do gymnastics and back wheels. You just have to show up with that unconditional curiosity and acceptance and validation and celebration of the other human being, and they will come to you.

   19. MRMel Robbins42:11

       I love this. I love this 'cause it's within your power-

   20. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)42:16

       Yes.

   21. MRMel Robbins42:16

       ... to shift yourself-

   22. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)42:17

       Yes.

   23. MRMel Robbins42:18

       ... and to radiate something different.

   24. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)42:20

       Yes.

   25. MRMel Robbins42:20

       And I can see that I often, in the past, have led with, "I'm gonna criticize."

   26. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)42:27

       Right. (laughs)

   27. MRMel Robbins42:28

       "I am gonna try to control what you're doing."

   28. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)42:30

       Right.

   29. MRMel Robbins42:31

       If I shift that to, "How can I be connected to you and how can I be curious about you?"

   30. GEGuest (social media / parenting expert)42:36

       Right.
7. 49:48 – 56:20

   Health Habit #3: Your Relationships Matter

   1. MRMel Robbins49:48

      for your life. I wanna hammer home the third one, because the third one is connected to the phone, and this is research that people brought up over and over and over and over and over again. And that's the important of building connection and relationships with the people closest to you, and even with total strangers. Because the third habit, this is a health habit and it might surprise you, is prioritize and strengthen your relationships. And I know, I know, just like the other two, it sounds obvious on its face, but the others went kinda deep, right? So, hang with me for a minute, because you do know that relationships matter, and I also know because I read all of your letters that come into the inbox, and I see that a lot of you are feeling lonely. You don't know where your friends went. Uh, some of you that are older, your friends have died. Those of you in your 20s, you feel like you don't know where your friends went because everybody's scattered after school. In your 30s, people are starting to get married or have kids. You may be single. You may be moving. And so, it can feel like it's hard to stay connected to people, but here's the thing, and I don't want you to just hear me say this. I really want you to allow the truth of this to sink in, because if you just sorta roll your eyes and you just listen to the podcast or watch the podcast on YouTube, you're gonna miss that this third habit is the most powerful thing you can do for your physical, emotional, and mental health. It's not what you eat or how often you work out. It's your relationships that determine how long you live and how good you feel while you're living your life. Now, let me say that again. Your relationships are the number one predictor of health, happiness, and longevity. Now, that comes straight from one of our most cited guests that have ever appeared on the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm talking about Dr. Robert Waldinger. Dr. Waldinger is a medical doctor. He is a Harvard professor. He is the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is the longest-running study on happiness and health in human history. It started all the way back in 1938. It is still going on today. He is the fourth director of this study, and here's what the data shows. The people who live the longest, who stay the healthiest, and who feel the happiest, they're not the richest. They're not the most disciplined. They're the people who have worked at maintaining and creating strong, supportive relationships. Now, I wanna tell you about the part of the study that shocked the researchers the most. The single biggest health benefit wasn't just emotional. So, let me say that again. When you cultivate and prioritize strong and supportive relationships, the health benefit isn't just that you feel better, 'cause of course you'd feel better. If you have friends, you feel better. If you're close to your family, you feel better. You're not so lonely. But the biggest health benefit was physical. Warm, meaningful relationships, they reduce your risk of chronic diseases like diabetes and heart disease. Why? Well, because relationships help you regulate your stress. Like, you know how you feel when you see somebody who just gets you? You know how good it feels, like your shoulders just drop? When you hug a friend or a family member, your breathing slows. You can exhale. But when you don't have people to lean on, when you don't have great friends, when you're not connected to people in your community, you know what happens? Your stress hormones stay high. Your immune system gets fried because you're alone, and that makes you feel unsafe. And slowly but surely, you know what happens? Your body starts to break down. I hate this. I mean, this makes me so sad. And get this. Researchers could predict who would be healthiest at 80 just by looking at people in their 50s. And they didn't measure cholesterol. They didn't count their steps. They didn't look at body mass index. They didn't see, like, how many, like, bench presses they could do or how far they could run. They simply asked one question of people in their 50s: How happy are you in your relationships? One question. How happy are you in your relationships? Let me ask that to you right now. How happy are you in your relationships? Now, you may be sitting here thinking, "Okay, Mel, I- I am not happy. I don't have the kind of connection right now. What w- I am alone. Like, uh, now you're making me scared, woman." I want you to hear this. Loneliness isn't a flaw. It's a wake-up call. It's a signal. It's kinda just like hunger. You know how when you get hungry, that's your body going, uh, "Ding, ding, ding. Dummy, you need to eat something"?... or when you get thirsty, that's another signal. Ding, ding, ding, need some water over here. Your body sends you signals as a way to wake you up and tell you, "Hey, there's something that we need over here in order to live a good life. I need some food. I need some water. I need to move my body, otherwise I feel ugh. Uh, I- I- I need to get some sleep, otherwise I feel tired." When you're lonely, you're just missing connection. That's it. There's nothing wrong with you. Heck, maybe something happened. Maybe you went through a divorce. Maybe you lost a job. Maybe you lost somebody you love. Maybe your good friends moved away, or what's happening with my parents right now. A lot of their good friends are starting to die. I mean, that's so sad to say. Or maybe you're in your 20s and people are going off to graduate school or they're moving in with their significant other. People are moving to the cities they've always wanted to live in, and now you're starting to go, "I'm kinda lonely." There's nothing wrong with you. This happens in all different ways and times in your life, and it's just a signal. You're missing connection to other people. And you don't need to fix your whole life to feel better. You can do this. You've met people your whole life. What if I told you, what if I told you that some of your most favorite people are not in the past? You haven't even met 'em yet. They're on the road ahead. And if you're thinking, "But how do I d- I'm not great at this. I'm old, I'm young, I'm in a new city. I don't know how to start over. I broke up and everybody sided with them and now I'm alone and I don't know what to do," you're about to get an answer you're gonna love, okay?

8. 56:20 – 1:08:50

   How to Build and Maintain Community

   1. MRMel Robbins56:20

      Y- I've called in a really incredible expert to help us with this last one, because once you know what you need to do and that you're not broken and that relationships really matter, they matter for your health, they matter for your happiness, and there's some simple things that you can do in order to build relationships when you feel lonely, and that insight is gonna come from none other than Dr. Laurie Santos. Now, Dr. Laurie Santos is a Yale professor, a cognitive scientist. She is the host of the award-winning The Happiness Lab podcast. She's also the woman behind Yale's most popular class of all time. That class is called Psychology and the Good Life, and you deserve the good life. And part of the good life is having good relationships, and by having, you know what I mean? Creating them. You can create them. Over five million people have taken this course. And so today, Dr. Santos is here to bring the classroom to you. She is going to give you the steps that you need so that you feel more connected, even if you're lonely, even if you're introverted, even if you don't know where to start. You don't need to know where to start, because Dr. Santos is gonna tell you exactly where to start. So, I want you to listen to the research Dr. Santos is here to share with you. Check this out.

   2. LSDr. Laurie Santos57:47

      Pretty much every available study of happy people suggests happy people are more social. People who self-report being happier physically spend more time around other people, less time alone, and they also spend more time with their friends and family members. So, they prioritize time not just with any old human bodies floating around there. They pick time with people they care about. Um, and this seems to be true both for introverts and extroverts. Um-

   3. MRMel Robbins58:11

      Really?

   4. LSDr. Laurie Santos58:11

      Yeah. So, the key th- th- that, that other people matter for introverts and extroverts. This is some work by Nick Epley and his colleagues. He does these studies where he just, like, basically forces people to be a little bit more social than they normally would. So, he walks up to people. Uh, he- he's at the University of Chicago, so he does this on the L train.

   5. MRMel Robbins58:26

      Oh, I know this study, where he forces people-

   6. LSDr. Laurie Santos58:29

      Yeah, yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins58:29

      ... to talk to strangers on the train into work.

   8. LSDr. Laurie Santos58:31

      Yeah. Yeah, and just for a $5 Starbucks gift card, everybody's willing to do this.

   9. MRMel Robbins58:34

      People sign up for that, to talk to a stranger?

   10. LSDr. Laurie Santos58:36

       S- people will do anything for a $5 Starbucks gift card. It's really the engine of all social science (laughs) research.

   11. MRMel Robbins58:41

       Wow.

   12. LSDr. Laurie Santos58:41

       People are like, "I don't wanna do that." It's like, "$5 Starbucks gift card." People are like, "Okay, fine. I'll talk to someone." Um-

   13. MRMel Robbins58:47

       Because, because that... And now, notice my reaction.

   14. LSDr. Laurie Santos58:49

       Mm-hmm.

   15. MRMel Robbins58:49

       And as you're with Dr. Santos and I, you probably had the same reaction as you're listening to us. Like, "I wouldn't, I wouldn't wanna, I wouldn't do that-"

   16. LSDr. Laurie Santos58:57

       Like, there's no way you would. Like-

   17. MRMel Robbins58:57

       "... for a $5 Starbucks gift card."

   18. LSDr. Laurie Santos58:58

       There's no way you would talk to... I mean, like, you just gotta talk to some rando person on your commute.

   19. MRMel Robbins59:02

       But, but I think the important thing here is that our reaction-

   20. LSDr. Laurie Santos59:06

       That's right.

   21. MRMel Robbins59:06

       ... is that this is not going to be fun.

   22. LSDr. Laurie Santos59:10

       Correct.

   23. MRMel Robbins59:10

       And our reaction is, "So much so, I don't want a gift card to do that."

   24. LSDr. Laurie Santos59:15

       Yeah, yeah.

   25. MRMel Robbins59:15

       And so, we all would go into that situation and say, "Ooh."

   26. LSDr. Laurie Santos59:21

       Right.

   27. MRMel Robbins59:22

       But what did the research find?

   28. LSDr. Laurie Santos59:23

       Well, Nick actually did that comparison. He asked people, "Hey, if you were in these two conditions, like, first of all, would you do it, and, you know, how would it feel?" And people said exactly what, what you're saying, Mel, and what I'm sure, if you're list- you, the person listening right now is thinking, right, was like, "No, I don't wanna do that. It would feel terrible." Not just it would feel neutral, but it would feel actively awkward or yucky or whatever. And what he finds is that it's just the opposite. People who spend their train ride talking to a stranger experience positive emotion. They feel more energized. They feel less lonely. And in fact, enjoying your solitude on the train kinda makes you feel a little anxious, yucky. I mean, we can kinda simulate it. You're like, oh yeah, if I tell you, "Yeah, just don't talk to anyone, enjoy your solitude," what happens? We start ruminating. We get in our head, right? And so, just this simple act of talking to a stranger makes us feel good. But the reason I love Nick's research is he tested this extrovert/introvert question.

   29. MRMel Robbins1:00:15

       Hmm.

   30. LSDr. Laurie Santos1:00:16

       And what he finds is that there's no difference in the happiness boost that extroverts and introverts get. Where there's a difference is on that prediction question. If I ask you, "Hey, how bad is it gonna be to talk to someone on the train?" Extroverts think, "Pretty bad," but introverts think, like, "Bad." (laughs) Like, "Bad."

Episode duration: 1:08:50