EVERY SPOKEN WORD
105 min read · 20,985 words- 0:00 – 2:57
Welcome
- MRMel Robbins
(instrumental music plays) I have my friend and colleague, Jessie, here and Jessie is one month away from becoming a mom for the first time.
- JEJessie
How the hell do I do this? How do you be a mom? Period.
- MRMel Robbins
Your biggest breakthrough as a parent is going to be to trust. Trust your daughter.
- JEJessie
Okay. Oh.
- MRMel Robbins
She chose you.
- JEJessie
Here we go. Still I can't help but think I didn't do it right.
- MRMel Robbins
I actually have a totally different point of view about this.
- JEJessie
How do you remove the parenting pressure?
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I, I just think it's, like, something you deal with every single day. You get to decide if you wanna go through life as a mom and put that much pressure on yourself. This is the single most important question a parent could ever ask a child. (clock ticks) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm so excited for our conversation today. I love spending time with you. It's always an honor to be together. And if you're a brand new listener, I just wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Boy, have you picked a winner. And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. You're the kind of person who values your family, and that can be your given family, it can be your chosen family. And you also value celebrating the special people in your life. And I wanna tell you something before we jump into the topic of all things moms and kids and the connection between you and your mom. If someone sent you this episode, I'll tell you why. It's because they really wanna have a closer connection with you. And if you're a mom, they probably sent it to you also to tell you you did a good job. And I think you're gonna love hearing the conversation today, because today you and I are talking all about moms. And you certainly have a mom, or if she's no longer with us you had one, or you had a mother figure. And if you are a mom or if you're about to be a mom or if you're wondering, "Do I even wanna have kids?" Well, this is going to make you think so differently. First of all about your own experience growing up, about the role of a parent, about the fears that are so normal to have before you become a parent, the questions that people have about whether or not they even wanna become a mom or a dad. This conversation is gonna just crack open your heart. It's gonna make you think about your own childhood, about your own mom. You're gonna wanna share this with your sisters, with your friends, with your mom, your daughter-in-laws, your daughters. Anybody that's about to have kids, they're gonna love this, or just had a baby. I cannot wait to see how this opens up really amazing conversations with you and the people that you care about, that it makes you think differently about one of the most important jobs in the world, and that's the job of being a mom.
- 2:57 – 22:56
What No One Tells You About Becoming a Mom
- MRMel Robbins
And today, I'm so excited to dive into this because I have my friend and colleague, Jessie, here and Jessie is one month away from becoming a mom for the first time. She's terrified and excited. And so today, we're sitting down, you and me with Jessie, and we're getting real and honest about what nobody tells you about motherhood. And I'm super excited because Jessie literally could have her water break in the middle of this, that is how pregnant she is. I'm so excited to dive into this, everything from pregnancy, parenting, priorities, guilt, your relationship with your own parents. Let's get into it. Jessie, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You know what's crazy about this, Jessie?
- JEJessie
What?
- MRMel Robbins
Normally, you're the one filming.
- JEJessie
(laughs) I know. I know.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, this is the only way I could get you off your feet 'cause your blood pressure is high.
- JEJessie
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And I know you're not supposed to be standing up-
- JEJessie
Nope.
- MRMel Robbins
... and so we put you in a chair and handed you a mic-
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... and now we're gonna talk all things motherhood. You ready?
- JEJessie
I'm so ready.
- MRMel Robbins
How long have we worked together?
- JEJessie
Four years.
- MRMel Robbins
Four years. Okay, so we've worked... Four years? Really?
- JEJessie
I know.
- MRMel Robbins
Gosh. And so Jessie's pregnant-
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... with her first child. And what's really weird sitting with you is that I'm sitting here and I feel like we're at two totally different-
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... kind of ends-
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... of the, kind of, mom scale, right?
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Where you are cooking a little baby in there.
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And you're about to be a mom.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And I... Today is Sawyer's 26th birthday.
- JEJessie
Yes.
- 22:56 – 32:18
The Most Important Question to Ask Your Child
- MRMel Robbins
r- my philosophy about parenting is that your job is to be a guide. You're a guide in helping her-
- JEJessie
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... become who she's supposed to be.
- JEJessie
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And so that's a very different role than thinking, "I'm a parent, we're a family that skis."
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
You know, "I'm a parent, we're a family that plays lacrosse and so- I'm a parent, everybody in our family's a doctor."
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, that's your vision. That's not guiding somebody. That's dictating who they are-
- JEJessie
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
... based on your expectations. If you embrace the role of a parent, to be, "I am a guide that is helping somebody figure out who they are-"
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"... which means I make it safe for them to feel what they feel-"
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"... I am open and generous and supportive with all the things they wanna try." If they wanna do music instead of sports, let them.
- JEJessie
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Right? If they e- end up falling in love with somebody that you don't like, let them.
- JEJessie
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, your job is not to dictate who this person is, your job is to create an environment where it's safe for them to discover who they are. Literally, this comes from Dr. Stuart Ablon, who I just love, from Harvard Medical School and, uh, Mass General Brigham, he calls it the with them parenting approach. Where, "Well, what do you wanna do about it?"
- JEJessie
Mm. Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, how can I support you? Even your six-year-old can think about some of these things. You know, how do you feel about that? Because what you're doing when you start to ask questions like that is you're guiding your child and inviting them to think through situations, because they're going to have to learn as an adult to live with the consequences of their decisions.
- JEJessie
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
So helping them think through situations and being curious about what they might think-
- JEJessie
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... that's a super important aspect of this because when, you know, the whole point, Jessie, is for your daughter to actually get through high school and leave.
- JEJessie
Right. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
That's the point.
- JEJessie
Right. (laughs) Okay. So-
- MRMel Robbins
And if you do it well-
- JEJessie
Right.
- 32:18 – 37:18
What to Say to Your Kid When You Get It Wrong
- MRMel Robbins
because I s- I got this wrong. How I learned this lesson is I actually got it wrong. I had one of my kids come to me and tell me something that was going on, and then I casually shared it. It was about drinking, you know, in like high school. I casually shared it with one of my closest friends because I just assumed she knew about this party.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Her daughter hadn't told her that's where they were.
- JEJessie
Ugh.
- MRMel Robbins
So then the daughter gets grounded and then blames my daughter.
- JEJessie
Oh, no.
- MRMel Robbins
And then it becomes this whole thing. And I did that to myself.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I did that to myself. And so I learned this the hard way, and it took me a couple years to actually build up trust-
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... again with my daughter, because I was the one who broke it.
- JEJessie
Yeah, and I think y- you feel like you're in a good trust place now with all three?
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my god, I know too much. It's like too much.
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Can't you talk to your gynecologist about that? Like, I don't know. (laughs)
- JEJessie
(laughs) Oh. Um, what's one moment where you completely, quote, messed up as a mom, and what did it teach you?
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my gosh. Uh, you know, I have so many moments that I've messed up as a mom. Um, oh, I know a good one.
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, I know a good one.
- JEJessie
Yeah? (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JEJessie
All right, let's hear it.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my gosh. Our son, Oakley, had the most annoying anxiety in the world.
- JEJessie
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And he would get all worked up because whenever we would go anywhere that was new, there was like this range of time where everything was collapsing in his life. We didn't know he had dyslexia yet. He was changing schools. Like, all this stuff was changing. His anxiety was through the roof, and he became extraordinarily anxious about everything, and he had this incredible fear of throwing up, incredible fear.
- JEJessie
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
And there were a number of moments where... Oh my god, like there are so many moments. There were moments where we spent all this money to take the kids to go see this particular Broadway show where, uh, Ben Platt was in it. It was the... I can't remember what it was, and we're up in the balcony. And Oakley starts having a freaking panic attack 'cause he thinks he's gonna throw up, and so we have to leave in the middle of the show-
- JEJessie
Oh, no.
- MRMel Robbins
... and like go in front of everybody at the end of the song-
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- 37:18 – 43:44
The Best Advice for Working Moms
- JEJessie
Yeah. Um, I would love to kind of pivot.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JEJessie
What's your advice for balancing work and kids? And as a businesswoman and mom of three, and adult kids too, and you've obviously had a heck of a career, how have you done that with three little ones and three adult ones?
- MRMel Robbins
Gosh, there's so much to say on this topic. I think that with guilt, first it's important, and I didn't understand that, to recognize that if you need to work because you need money to pay your bills, you should not feel guilty. You should feel proud of the fact...
- JEJessie
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... that you are doing what is necessary to be able to financially take care of this little person.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
That is not something to feel guilty about. That is something to recognize and acknowledge yourself, because it's a sense of responsibility that goes straight to safety and the ability to take care of somebody.
- JEJessie
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
And if your kids are in daycare or they have a babysitter because you're working so that you can pay your bills...
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... that is not something to be guilty about, because you're taking responsibility for what is necessary in order to take care of somebody.
- JEJessie
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And so, that is a really important thing to understand. Now, if you feel guilty because you don't want to be working...
- JEJessie
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... you want to be home, that is a different form of guilt. In my case, I started to feel really guilty because, as I was making a living speaking and my kids were older, I would be, uh, you know, I don't know, in Kansas City giving a speech. I loved it, but I felt so guilty because I was not at the field hockey game-
- JEJessie
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
... back in Boston.
- JEJessie
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
You've gotta ask yourself, is this guilt just the bullshit that the world has told me-
- JEJessie
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... that, as a woman, I need to be everywhere?
- JEJessie
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Because a lot of guys don't feel this way.
- JEJessie
No. No. That's so frustrating.
- MRMel Robbins
Because they get, they get, they get gaslit into believing that their only value is in providing.
- JEJessie
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
And so, if you're feeling guilty, ask yourself, "Is this just society telling me that I'm supposed to be somewhere or I'm supposed to be everywhere?"
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"Or, is this a different kind of guilt?" Because there's two kinds of guilt. There's the destructive guilt, and that's the kind of guilt that society puts on you. "You're not doing mothering right. You're not spending enough time with your kids. You need to be breastfeeding. You can't do this, you can't do that, you gotta do this thing." That guilt is bullshit.
- 43:44 – 48:26
The Secret to Peaceful Mornings as a Parent
- MRMel Robbins
gonna do.
- JEJessie
Right. Listener question is from Kelly. "Mel, how do I find time for myself? My mornings are pure chaos. My son's schedule is unpredictable, and I'm constantly scrambling to get us out the door."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JEJessie
"Some days I'm so overwhelmed I cry on my way to work."
- MRMel Robbins
Aw.
- JEJessie
"I try to work out twice a week, but I wanna do more and I can't figure out how. Any advice to help me move forward?"
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. Um, the thing that changed my life with little kids, I don't know how old her kid is, is it's critical that after you put them to bed and you do your nightly routine-
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... with your kid, and if you don't have one, like look at when your ch- kid is going to bed.
- JEJessie
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
Because they should probably be in bed by 8:00.
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
No, I'm serious. Like there, there's this huge trend of keeping kids awake at night.
- JEJessie
Oh.
- MRMel Robbins
I don't understand this. Like keep them-
- JEJessie
I didn't even know that.
- MRMel Robbins
No. Your kids desperately need sleep for their development.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And so do you. And so developing a really steady night routine, that is a certain time we go upstairs, we run the bath, we put on the jammies, we put ... Like the whole thing that just gets them in the routine.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
8:00 you're in bed. Now you have an hour where you can kinda clean things up and the most important thing is get everything ready for tomorrow morning.
- JEJessie
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Pack the lunches, pack the backpack, organize your stuff for work because the things that you do at night create time and peace in the morning.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
So absolutely everything that you can do the night before, from packing the lunch to packing the backpacks to packing your work stuff to gathering it all to even picking out the coat and the boots, put it all by the door so you don't have to scramble for anything. You do that at night and you probably just gained 30 minutes of calm in the morning. Because once you're under the gun in the morning and your stress level goes up-
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... isn't it interesting how you can never find anything?
- JEJessie
(laughs) Ever.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- 48:26 – 51:56
It’s Never Too Late to Build a Relationship with Adult Kids
- JEJessie
And Mel, what is your advice for the people listening who have adult children right now?
- MRMel Robbins
Um, that you did a great job. Like stop beating yourself up. There are things that we all, in the rear view mirror, like feel like we could've done better, and it is never too late to apologize-... for the mistakes that you've made, or the things that you see from where you are now about how you've grown, that you would have done differently. And I find that every time I have one of those conversations with my kids, first of all, they're very forgiving. But they so appreciate the fact that I'm willing to say, "I screwed that up and you deserved better." And it's like this, like (sighs) for both of us.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And so acknowledging the things that you wish you could change is a beautiful way to almost, like, clear the slate-
- JEJessie
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and create something new, and that's the other thing. I think it's never too late to improve, change, grow closer to somebody. So if you've grown distant from your kids, or you've grown distant from your parents, or the resentment has built up, or you feel like, you can always, always, always, I think, find ways to reconnect. And the Let Them Theory has actually been wildly helpful for me, uh, in learning at this point in my life how to love people as they are and stop trying to change them.
- JEJessie
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Because when you look at your kids and you wanna change them, you want them to be more motivated, you want them to get better grades, you wish you weren't da- dating that person, you, you know, y- y- wanting more for somebody is a beautiful thing. But when you really think that's what should happen, you're not loving them, you're judging them. And our kids know that.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And the same is true with your parents. That for me, the single biggest thing that's helped my relationships is the Let Them Theory. I- I kid you not, because it forced me to have to learn how to stop controlling and changing and wishing people were different, and actually do the work to see people as they are and learn how to love and accept them as they are.
- JEJessie
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And that doesn't come by changing other people. It comes from changing yourself and the judgments that you have about other people.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And then you go to the let me part, which is, okay, if I'm gonna let this person be who they are and I'm gonna stop trying to change them, and I'm gonna learn to accept them exactly as they are right now, let me figure out how I wanna show up in this dynamic. And if you want more connection, it's not on them, it's on you. And you may have somebody that is not reaching back out. If they're not, it tells me that there's probably something that's built up, some friction, some something, that is just in the way. And see, I think everything through acknowledging mistakes made, through learning to accept people instead of judging people, and really determining for yourself, what kind of relationship do I want? And if I'm willing to, to, really invest the time and energy in showing up differently, then that's where I have the power to change the dynamic here.
- 51:56 – 56:32
Parenting Isn’t About Perfection
- MRMel Robbins
I, I, I really do believe that with time, with grace, with compassion, with acceptance, that, that you can move closer to people that you feel distance from, and you can apologize for, and you can forgive yourself, and you can make amends, and you can do better, even when you've made a lot of mistakes in the past.
- JEJessie
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, it is the, the time that you put into your relationship with your kids, or your parents, or your siblings, or, eh, your friends, like it just pays dividends. A- all the research is very clear, and this comes from Dr. Robert Waldinger, who is the fourth director of the Harvard Study for Adult Development, which has been going on for like 86 years. You wanna be happy and healthy in your life, you wanna have a meaningful life, it's just all about relationships.
- JEJessie
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And whether, as you're listening, you're thinking about your own experience as a parent, or you're thinking about your parents, or you're, like Jesse, about to be a parent-
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... or you are contemplating whether or not you would ever want kids or not, like everything we're talking about is the basics of relationships with any human being.
- JEJessie
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
It's just that when you're a parent, you are responsible for parenting, which is keeping them safe and giving them shelter and food and teaching them the characters and values that you want to instill, and then getting out of the way and guiding them and supporting them in becoming who they're meant to be. And they're not meant to be a mini you, not at all. They are a blend and their own unique, amazing, fabulous miracle. Why would you want to shove a miracle into a little box? Why wouldn't you want to expand what's possible? And the only way that you do that is to, A, get out of the way and stop dictating what they do, but guiding what they do, and B, trust that they are actually something miraculous and they are capable of figuring out who they are. And they need your guidance. They don't need to be told what to do or dictated to. They need guidance and support in becoming who they're meant to become.
- JEJessie
Mm. That's beautiful. I really wanna thank you for this conversation and, and helping to ground my nerves too and my mind and my bo- all of it was just giving me the confidence that motherhood can be done, can be tackled, and-
- MRMel Robbins
Well, you got no choice at this point, 'cause it's happening, Jessie.
- JEJessie
No, it's, it's- (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
So you... (laughs)
- JEJessie
She's coming really soon.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes, she is.
- JEJessie
But thank you for that, 'cause I think it's just a conversation that-
... all women can have in some regard, I hope. So, I really appreciate you answering those questions.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I appreciate you, Jessie. Good luck. I can't wait-
- JEJessie
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... to meet her. It's gonna be so exciting. So exciting. And I also just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for listening to this. Thank you for sharing this with your parents, with the people that you care about, with friends your age. Like, it's so exciting what's possible. I mean, I have screwed up so much in my life that I love knowing that even the screw-ups and mistakes that I've made, that you can learn from them, you can apologize for them, and that's a beautiful thing. And in case nobody else tells you this, I wanna tell you that I love you. And let me unpack what love is, 'cause I think this is very important. Love is not just reserved for families or for your kids or your parents. Love is very simple. It's just when you admire something in someone and when you have them in mind, consideration. And I admire the fact that you make the time to listen to something that could help you create a better life. I think that's so cool. And in terms of consideration, I know you don't have a lot of time, and you still hit play and you still spend your most precious resource together with me. And so, I always have you in mind when I am talking to you, when we're thinking about the topics. And so, that's why I say I love you. I admire you and I have you in mind, and that's that. And there's no doubt that you've got the tools and the inspiration to create a better life, so I cannot wait to hear what you think about this episode and I can't wait to welcome you back into the very next one. The moment you hit play, I'll be waiting for you and I'll see you there.
- 56:32 – 1:00:09
Jessie’s Postpartum Update
- MRMel Robbins
Were you waiting for the update on Jessie? I get it. I could not wait to hear how everything went. Spoiler alert, it all went really well. Here's Jessie with an update taped live from her new baby's nursery.
- JEJessie
Hi Mel, it's Jessie. I am coming to you five weeks postpartum here. I'm sitting in our little girl's nursery, which is wild to say, considering I feel like we just had that conversation in your studio about motherhood. I sure enough did not make it to 40 weeks, made it to 37, and had a incredible, perfect, uh, labor and delivery. I, I couldn't have asked for a better experience with that. We did get induced because of the high blood pressure and, again, little girl was healthy. She was born eight days after we recorded that. And I just wish I could go back and hug myself and tell her that she's about to have... Ugh, here come the postpartum emotions. Um, the most perfect labor and delivery, and the most incredible, um, hospital team there with us as well. Mel, you mentioned to trust your daughter. She chose you. And as I mentioned, it was not an easy path to get to her. There was a reason that it was her, and it took me a while to realize this reason, but, um, the week she was born was the one-year anniversary of our first miscarriage. And sure enough, a year and a day after that, we went and got induced for this little girl. So, a complete full circle moment that is so much bigger than me. It was always supposed to be her. It was always supposed to be this time. It was always supposed to be, um, three weeks early to h- to kind of put a bow on that path that we went through to get to her. So, it always gives me goosebumps when I think about that. (laughs) I am so grateful for that conversation and it is eye-opening to see how much strength I have gained in these last five weeks going into this new role as a mom and not knowing what I'm doing, and running off of two hours of sleep, and changing a million dirty diapers, and getting all the, the newborn snuggles, and I'm doing it. And it's just the most incredible role that I, I don't wanna ever be afraid of. If I'm not afraid, I can give her my best self and be a guide to her. And, gosh, motherhood is just the best. It's the best thing ever. And I didn't know it till I got here, and I'm so grateful I got here. So, on that note, I'm gonna go wipe up these tears again, and shout out to all of the moms out there, and the women who have gone through this and have raised little humans. And kudos to all of you women out there. I will see you very soon when I bring this little one around to the office and get to introduce her as the first little company baby. Thanks, Mel.
- MRMel Robbins
And for you sitting here watching with me on YouTube, I just wanna say please share this with somebody. Don't just sit and watch, please do something. And take a minute and subscribe to this channel, because it's really a way that you can support me in bringing you new videos every single day. And I'm sure you're looking for something really inspiring to watch, to really move you, so I want you to check out this video next.
Episode duration: 1:00:10
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