What Every Mom Needs to Hear Today

Mel Robbins 0:00 (instrumental music plays) I have my friend and colleague, Jessie, here and Jessie is one month away from becoming a mom for the first time.

Jessie 0:09 How the hell do I do this? How do you be a mom? Period.

Mel Robbins 0:14 Your biggest breakthrough as a parent is going to be to trust. Trust your daughter.

Jessie 0:19 Okay. Oh.

Mel Robbins 0:22 She chose you.

Jessie 0:29 Here we go. Still I can't help but think I didn't do it right.

Mel Robbins 0:33 I actually have a totally different point of view about this.

Jessie 0:35 How do you remove the parenting pressure?

Mel Robbins 0:37 Well, I, I just think it's, like, something you deal with every single day. You get to decide if you wanna go through life as a mom and put that much pressure on yourself. This is the single most important question a parent could ever ask a child. (clock ticks) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm so excited for our conversation today. I love spending time with you. It's always an honor to be together. And if you're a brand new listener, I just wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Boy, have you picked a winner. And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. You're the kind of person who values your family, and that can be your given family, it can be your chosen family. And you also value celebrating the special people in your life. And I wanna tell you something before we jump into the topic of all things moms and kids and the connection between you and your mom. If someone sent you this episode, I'll tell you why. It's because they really wanna have a closer connection with you. And if you're a mom, they probably sent it to you also to tell you you did a good job. And I think you're gonna love hearing the conversation today, because today you and I are talking all about moms. And you certainly have a mom, or if she's no longer with us you had one, or you had a mother figure. And if you are a mom or if you're about to be a mom or if you're wondering, "Do I even wanna have kids?" Well, this is going to make you think so differently. First of all about your own experience growing up, about the role of a parent, about the fears that are so normal to have before you become a parent, the questions that people have about whether or not they even wanna become a mom or a dad. This conversation is gonna just crack open your heart. It's gonna make you think about your own childhood, about your own mom. You're gonna wanna share this with your sisters, with your friends, with your mom, your daughter-in-laws, your daughters. Anybody that's about to have kids, they're gonna love this, or just had a baby. I cannot wait to see how this opens up really amazing conversations with you and the people that you care about, that it makes you think differently about one of the most important jobs in the world, and that's the job of being a mom.

Mel Robbins 2:57 And today, I'm so excited to dive into this because I have my friend and colleague, Jessie, here and Jessie is one month away from becoming a mom for the first time. She's terrified and excited. And so today, we're sitting down, you and me with Jessie, and we're getting real and honest about what nobody tells you about motherhood. And I'm super excited because Jessie literally could have her water break in the middle of this, that is how pregnant she is. I'm so excited to dive into this, everything from pregnancy, parenting, priorities, guilt, your relationship with your own parents. Let's get into it. Jessie, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You know what's crazy about this, Jessie?

Jessie 3:40 What?

Mel Robbins 3:40 Normally, you're the one filming.

Jessie 3:41 (laughs) I know. I know.

Mel Robbins 3:43 Well, this is the only way I could get you off your feet 'cause your blood pressure is high.

Jessie 3:48 Yes.

Mel Robbins 3:48 And I know you're not supposed to be standing up-

Jessie 3:51 Nope.

Mel Robbins 3:51 ... and so we put you in a chair and handed you a mic-

Jessie 3:53 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 3:53 ... and now we're gonna talk all things motherhood. You ready?

Jessie 3:55 I'm so ready.

Mel Robbins 3:56 How long have we worked together?

Jessie 3:58 Four years.

Mel Robbins 3:58 Four years. Okay, so we've worked... Four years? Really?

Jessie 4:02 I know.

Mel Robbins 4:03 Gosh. And so Jessie's pregnant-

Jessie 4:06 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 4:06 ... with her first child. And what's really weird sitting with you is that I'm sitting here and I feel like we're at two totally different-

Jessie 4:14 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:15 ... kind of ends-

Jessie 4:16 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:17 ... of the, kind of, mom scale, right?

Jessie 4:20 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:20 Where you are cooking a little baby in there.

Jessie 4:24 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 4:25 And you're about to be a mom.

Jessie 4:28 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:28 And I... Today is Sawyer's 26th birthday.

Jessie 4:33 Yes.

Mel Robbins 4:33 And Kendall is 24 and Oakley is 19, soon to be 20.

Jessie 4:40 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:41 And so having... I can't believe I've been a mom for 26 years.

Jessie 4:46 (laughs) Right?

Mel Robbins 4:48 And they still talk to me.

Jessie 4:50 Yes, they want to talk to you.

Mel Robbins 4:52 So you're 36 weeks pregnant?

Jessie 4:54 Yes.

Mel Robbins 4:55 How are you feeling?

Jessie 4:56 Oh my God. Um, it's a, it's... A lot is going on in my mind right now.

Mel Robbins 5:02 Like what?

Jessie 5:03 Life, life is about to completely change in, I think, the most beautiful, fulfilling way and terrifying way. And so that is what I'm so excited that we're here, that we get to just talk, have some girl talk.

Mel Robbins 5:15 Yes. Yes.

Jessie 5:15 And talk motherhood and everything that's coming with it.

Mel Robbins 5:19 And what I, what I l- There are so many things that I love about you, Jessie. And since you may not have met Jessie, I just wanna tell you a little bit about Jessie. So Jessie and I met here in Southern Vermont because we were both dragged here by people we love.

Jessie 5:33 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 5:33 She was dragged here by her husband and his job, and she left her dream job. So Jessie is not, like, I would say the kind of person who is, like, super a girl girl. You know what I'm saying?

Jessie 5:46 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 5:46 She worked at NASCAR.

Jessie 5:48 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 5:48 She was a producer and a video editor for the Baltimore Ravens, and then she moved up here and we've worked together for four years and she's run the studios up here. And so edited, like, probably at least-... two-thirds of the podcast episodes.

Jessie 6:03 (laughs) Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 6:03 Shot a ton of them here. And so, she is not somebody that I ever see get all that emotional about things.

Jessie 6:11 (laughs) It's probably not-

Mel Robbins 6:11 But she's already got tears in her eyes.

Jessie 6:13 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 6:13 So terrified. What are you terrified about?

Jessie 6:16 Oh, gosh. There's the whole, there's, there's a fear of obviously the pain part of it, of actually pushing out a baby.

Mel Robbins 6:24 Uh-huh.

Jessie 6:24 Or however this little one is gonna make her entrance.

Mel Robbins 6:27 Yep.

Jessie 6:28 And the changes-

Mel Robbins 6:28 Like a cannonball through your legs-

Jessie 6:29 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 6:29 ... is what's gonna happen.

Jessie 6:30 Yes. Yes. Which like, oh my God, no one can really prepare you for that.

Mel Robbins 6:35 No. But your body.

Jessie 6:36 The body knows.

Mel Robbins 6:37 Knows. Yes.

Jessie 6:38 And it's gonna be 10 steps ahead of me, it already is.

Mel Robbins 6:40 Yep.

Jessie 6:40 Which is amazing.

Mel Robbins 6:41 Yep. Because just, just so you understand as you're listening to us, Jessie also is having some high blood pressure.

Jessie 6:49 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 6:49 And so-

Jessie 6:51 Hey-oh.

Mel Robbins 6:51 ... she is, the baby is coming probably a month early.

Jessie 6:54 Oh, yeah. She's not gonna make it-

Mel Robbins 6:56 No.

Jessie 6:56 ... 40 weeks, no.

Mel Robbins 6:56 She's not gonna make it 40 weeks.

Jessie 6:58 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 6:58 And so this could happen any day. And if my answers scare Jessie enough-

Jessie 7:01 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 7:01 ... we might just have the water break while we're filming this.

Jessie 7:05 On set, yep. Live.

Mel Robbins 7:07 (laughs) Live.

Jessie 7:07 Yeah. I think it's, it's that, it's the unknown, it's the f- it, the fear of having her be born.

Mel Robbins 7:14 Mm-hmm.

Jessie 7:14 And then the fear of like, how the hell do I do this? How do we, how d-, how do you, how do you be a mom? Period. Never done this before. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 7:25 What do you think the job of a mom is?

Jessie 7:31 The first word that comes to mind is, huh, here we go, um, protector.

Mel Robbins 7:36 Mm.

Jessie 7:38 I don't know why. Um, nurturer obviously. Um, and I think there's a beautiful relationship there, especially since I'm having a little girl.

Mel Robbins 7:49 Mm-hmm.

Jessie 7:50 Sorry. (laughs) That I think is so exciting to have that relationship with, and to do it how I wanna do it.

Mel Robbins 7:59 Mm-hmm.

Jessie 8:01 Um, and then it just brings on like, well, I wanna do it right, I wanna make sure she knows how much she's loved, I wanna make sure she knows how special she is, how important she is in this world, how valued she is in this world. Um, so a lot of things come with that.

Mel Robbins 8:19 Well, I think the fact that you've already listed off all those things means you're gonna do it right.

Jessie 8:24 Mm.

Mel Robbins 8:25 To the best of your ability.

Jessie 8:28 I'm gonna try. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 8:30 What do you think doing it right looks like?

Jessie 8:32 Oh, man. So many things. I think it's, it can be the start of packing the right things for the hospital bag. It can be the start of-

Mel Robbins 8:40 (laughs)

Jessie 8:41 (laughs) I mean, (laughs) it's so stupid how much of that stuff takes up space in my mind. But doing it right as far as having, you know, making it to 40 weeks. I don't know if I'm gonna make it to 40 weeks.

Mel Robbins 8:51 Oh, for God's sakes, Jessie.

Jessie 8:53 I know.

Mel Robbins 8:53 You think doing it right-

Jessie 8:54 This is it.

Mel Robbins 8:54 ... means going 40 weeks?

Jessie 8:55 Yes. Or doing s- doing it where, not naturally, but just letting my body do it when my body wants to do it. Not getting du- in- induced.

Mel Robbins 9:03 So you think you're doing it wrong if you get induced?

Jessie 9:06 Oh my God, it's been a rollercoaster this week. I think I, I put so much pressure on myself to let myself listen to my body first. And now it's like, nope, you're gonna have to probably get some, some help to start this. So that feels like I'm already not, not doing it right. Um, and then it's also just how to do it right with how to ra- how do you properly raise a little human?

Mel Robbins 9:28 I don't know why you're asking me.

Jessie 9:29 (laughs) You've done it three times.

Mel Robbins 9:29 'Cause I die, like I, yeah. So what do you, what, what do you think it means to get motherhood right?

Jessie 9:36 Uh, raise a good human.

Mel Robbins 9:37 Okay.

Jessie 9:39 Um, I-

Mel Robbins 9:40 'Cause you're very hard on yourself.

Jessie 9:42 A little bit. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 9:42 So is there a right way to have the baby? Like you're 36 weeks pregnant right now. What would getting it right look like?

Jessie 9:48 In my head, this is so, again, this narrative I've created-

Mel Robbins 9:52 Yep.

Jessie 9:53 ... that just says you wanna go into labor naturally. And right now-

Mel Robbins 9:58 Why?

Jessie 9:58 ... as of this week, my doctor said that ain't gonna happen. (laughs) So scratch that off.

Mel Robbins 10:04 Okay.

Jessie 10:04 So-

Mel Robbins 10:04 And how does that make you feel?

Jessie 10:06 Terrible.

Mel Robbins 10:07 Why?

Jessie 10:07 'Cause I feel I've asked every doctor that I've had to see, like, "Did I do something wrong? Did I, did I not exercise enough? Did I not eat the right things? Did I not sleep enough? Did I not..." The list goes on. And every time it's, "No, no, no, no, no. Nothing you did." But still I can't help but think, um, I didn't do it right, quote unquote, to have her come naturally.

Mel Robbins 10:31 I actually have a totally different point of view about this.

Jessie 10:34 Okay.

Mel Robbins 10:35 I think now that she-

Jessie 10:40 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 10:41 ... is actually able to survive without you.

Jessie 10:44 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 10:45 She has a soul and a spirit and a force of her own and she's coming when she's damn ready.

Jessie 10:50 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 10:50 And she's gonna come however she's supposed to come.

Jessie 10:51 Yes.

Mel Robbins 10:52 And it is all divinely ordered.

Jessie 10:55 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 10:56 And your biggest breakthrough as a parent is going to be to trust.

Jessie 11:00 Yes.

Mel Robbins 11:01 To trust in her, to trust in Jim, to trust in you to figure it out.

Jessie 11:05 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 11:05 Because if you focus on getting it right, you will actually put that anxiety on your child.

Jessie 11:13 Mm.

Mel Robbins 11:14 Because she will sense when you feel like you've gotten it wrong and then she's gonna start to feel like she's somehow responsible for that.

Jessie 11:23 Right. So how-

Mel Robbins 11:24 And-

Jessie 11:24 Go ahead.

Mel Robbins 11:24 ... isn't it interesting that you're sitting here focused on, I gotta hit the, the due date.

Jessie 11:31 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 11:31 And I gotta go naturally.

Jessie 11:33 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 11:33 And I gotta make sure that happens because this has gotta be like hitting the bullseye with a dart.

Jessie 11:38 It's crazy. Yes.

Mel Robbins 11:40 You're doing that to yourself.

Jessie 11:40 Yeah, 100%.

Mel Robbins 11:42 And, and by the way, the 40 weeks is a, is a guesstimate.

Jessie 11:45 (laughs) Yeah.

Mel Robbins 11:46 That does not mean... Sawyer came two weeks late.

Jessie 11:50 Oh my God.

Mel Robbins 11:51 Seriously. And it doesn't surprise me. That of course she d- we had to drag her out of me with a vacuum-

Jessie 11:55 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 11:56 ... and with forceps.

Jessie 11:58 She's comfy.

Mel Robbins 11:58 Yeah, well, she just was like, "I'm not ready."

Jessie 12:00 No.

Mel Robbins 12:01 I, I've, I've worked out the details here.

Jessie 12:02 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 12:03 It was just like, it was, honestly, uh, that was the precursor to the experience of writing the Let Them Theory book with her.

Jessie 12:09 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 12:10 Because we were just, like, in tension-

Jessie 12:13 Yeah. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 12:13 ... all the time. "I want it to go this way. I'm not going this way."

Jessie 12:15 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 12:15 And so, trust your daughter.

Jessie 12:18 Okay. Oh.

Mel Robbins 12:20 She chose you. Sorry. What's that bring up for you?

Jessie 12:37 Um, sorry. It brings up the path to get to her, 'cause it was not an easy path.

Mel Robbins 12:49 Mm-hmm.

Jessie 12:50 Um, we lost two before her, and you're right. There's a reason she made it, and she's here.

Mel Robbins 13:00 Yeah.

Jessie 13:00 And she has a little soul already, and she's... They keep reiterating how healthy she is and how everything's good in there, and there's a reason it's her.

Mel Robbins 13:10 Mm-hmm. And I want to validate that the feelings that you have of fear because you've lost two pregnancies, very real. And it's a sign that you're mentally well.

Jessie 13:25 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 13:26 Thank you, Dr. Lisa Damour, for giving us that reframe.

Jessie 13:29 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 13:30 It's a sign that you're mentally well, after two experiences like that, to be nervous about how this goes.

Jessie 13:34 Yes.

Mel Robbins 13:35 Okay? And you can hold space to be nervous and, at the same time, trust in your body and in your daughter-

Jessie 13:48 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 13:48 ... and in your doctors, and in the fact that she is 36 weeks old and she is gonna be just fine.

Jessie 13:55 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 13:55 You can trust in that and also be nervous. That's okay. That's how you do this, is you hold space for both, and that's exactly what parenting is.

Jessie 14:05 Mm. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 14:06 Parenting is holding space for your experience and the experience of another human being.

Jessie 14:11 Right.

Mel Robbins 14:13 Parenting is being able to hold space when your child is upset and struggling and be able to comfort them, and also stand in the belief that you have the ability as a parent to be a guiding force, and they have their own unique experience-

Jessie 14:34 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 14:34 ... and are capable of learning from life-

Jessie 14:36 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 14:36 ... with you by their side.

Jessie 14:38 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 14:38 And if you stay in that lane, that parenting is about holding space for you and this other human being, and trusting in the process of growing and learning together and understanding that your role is guiding and supporting, and trusting in their own unique capacity to learn and to grow into who they are, then there's nothing to get right.

Jessie 15:04 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 15:04 Nothing.

Jessie 15:05 Yeah. You're right.

Mel Robbins 15:08 What does that mean to you?

Jessie 15:10 It, it makes me think about, so how do you remove that pressure right now?

Mel Robbins 15:16 Mm-hmm.

Jessie 15:16 That I'm totally putting on myself. No one else is doing this. Jim's not doing it. And I think I, I can already see, like, that pressure's probably gonna come back when she's five, when she's 10, when she's 20, like-

Mel Robbins 15:28 Mm-hmm.

Jessie 15:28 ... how do you remove the parenting pressure?

Mel Robbins 15:30 Well, I, I just think it's, like, something you deal with every single day, and you get to decide if you wanna go through life as a mom and put that much pressure on yourself, or, like, you know, the let them theory could actually be very helpful.

Jessie 15:42 Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 15:43 'Cause right now you can be like, "Let her come when she's ready."

Jessie 15:47 Yes.

Mel Robbins 15:47 "And let me just honor how I feel, and let me also remind myself that I trust that everything's gonna be okay."

Jessie 15:56 Mm-hmm. Yes, I love that.

Mel Robbins 15:58 And so I feel like that's a way to hold space for two things to be true.

Jessie 16:04 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 16:04 And, you know, the other thing is, is that you are gonna screw things up.

Jessie 16:08 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 16:09 There would be no therapists-

Jessie 16:11 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 16:12 ... if parents did not screw up parenting.

Jessie 16:16 So true. Yes.

Mel Robbins 16:17 There wouldn't be. I mean, you would have therapy for the kind of pain and trauma that human beings inflict on people in other settings.

Jessie 16:26 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 16:27 But I bet the vast majority of therapists are actually working through the shit that kids experience with parents, and we all do it.

Jessie 16:38 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 16:39 Like, I, I, I screwed up majorly with my kids, because I was not in control of my own anxiety.

Jessie 16:45 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 16:45 I was volatile with my stress and my emotions. I was a shouter. I had a very short fuse. I took work stress out on them.

Jessie 16:54 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 16:55 And so it created, in at least my two daughters, this sense of being on edge, because I was that mom-

Jessie 17:02 Right.

Mel Robbins 17:02 ... that was wildly fun and then wildly pissed off.

Jessie 17:05 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 17:06 And so who are we gonna get today?

Jessie 17:07 Right.

Mel Robbins 17:08 And what do I need to do to make sure my mom's okay?

Jessie 17:11 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 17:11 'Cause I want the one that's happy and fun. I don't want the one that's pissed off at the world.

Jessie 17:15 Right.

Mel Robbins 17:16 And so I think that, you know, you will screw things up, and you have to give yourself grace, because as your child grows, you're gonna grow and learn. That's how you do it.

Jessie 17:27 Hmm. That's awesome. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 17:30 And, you know, you can also apologize to your kids.

Jessie 17:33 Yes.

Mel Robbins 17:33 I certainly have. "I'm really sorry I was not able to be, you know, a person that had a more stable emotional, you know, personality when I was, when you guys were younger. I'm really sorry that, you know, Dad and I were fighting all the time when we were struggling financially. I'm really sorry that there were, there were mornings where my kids literally would be ready, they'd get themselves ready for the bus," this is when we were really struggling financially. I'm trying to think how old, the kids were, like, 10 and eight. And Sawyer and Kendall would literally wake Chris and I up. We were in these chairs, Jessie. Drunk.

Jessie 18:10 Oh.

Mel Robbins 18:10 We had, we had been drinking all night because of all the financial press-

Jessie 18:13 Ugh. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 18:13 ... so bre- fr- fr- fra- I can't even freaking talk right now, stress.And they'd, like, tap, tap, tap-

Jessie 18:20 Mm.

Mel Robbins 18:21 ... and the bus is coming.

Jessie 18:22 Wow.

Mel Robbins 18:23 And I screwed that up. And so it's okay to apologize.

Jessie 18:28 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 18:28 You're not supposed to be perfect, you just do the best that you can with the resources that you have and the skillset that you have. And, you know, there's this concept that I absolutely love. This comes from both Dr. Nicole LaPerla and Dr. Russell Kennedy.

Jessie 18:44 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 18:44 And there's this concept of a parental mismatch-

Jessie 18:49 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 18:49 ... which means there are gonna be times when you're parenting, given what you're doing in your life, given where Jim is, given the age of your kids, where you and your kids are a mismatch.

Jessie 19:01 Mm.

Mel Robbins 19:01 What your kids need, ideally, in terms of the support they need or the emotional reassurance they need, is not something based on your skills or your life experience or what's going on in your life that you're actually able to give them.

Jessie 19:17 Mm.

Mel Robbins 19:18 And in those moments where there's a mismatch, they need something, and you're giving them everything you have to give-

Jessie 19:26 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 19:27 ... but it's not satiating what they need. And I think this is where there's a lot of, like, stuff that comes up when you get older with your parents.

Jessie 19:36 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 19:37 And there's a lot of stuff online, you know, trauma and this and that. Not to say terrible stuff didn't go down.

Jessie 19:42 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 19:43 But we're very quick to talk about the impact and injury to us, and not that compassionate with understanding that you were likely dealing with a human being in your parents who was emotionally immature, who had trauma of their own, who did not get their needs met by their parents, and so they show up to the world of parenting having skills, experiences, past experiences, an emotional state, financial stress, issues that you're not aware of, and they do the best they can with where they're at. And there's this visual that I talk about a lot, it's Pastor TD Jakes and I believe he's talking to Oprah Winfrey, talking about how if you're dealing with a person that has a quarter cup-

Jessie 20:35 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 20:36 ... of capacity for support and love and whatever, but you're a gallon person-

Jessie 20:43 Mm.

Mel Robbins 20:44 ... if, your parent, because of their past, can only give you a quarter cup, that's never going to feel like they actually saw you.

Jessie 20:53 No.

Mel Robbins 20:53 But to your parent, they gave you everything they had to give.

Jessie 20:56 Right.

Mel Robbins 20:57 And that's what I mean by the mismatch.

Jessie 20:59 Mm.

Mel Robbins 20:59 So, when I was extremely stressed out and I was drinking too much and Chris and I were fighting 'cause of the financial pressure, my kids needed me to be present.

Jessie 21:11 Mm.

Mel Robbins 21:12 I was not.

Jessie 21:12 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 21:13 My kids deserved and needed a mom that, when they got home from school, weren't walking up to the front door going, "Uh-oh, who's in there?"

Jessie 21:24 Right, right.

Mel Robbins 21:24 Not that I was beating them-

Jessie 21:26 No.

Mel Robbins 21:26 ... but emotionally, they n- didn't know what was gonna come.

Jessie 21:30 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 21:30 I might be stressed-

Jessie 21:31 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 21:32 ... I might be frustrated, I might be angry, I might be yelling about the dad, or this or that-

Jessie 21:35 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 21:35 ... I might be sad. And so I was a complete mismatch for what they actually needed. Does that make sense?

Jessie 21:40 Yes. Absolutely.

Mel Robbins 21:41 Even though I was trying with every cell in my body to do the best that I could. And so fast-forward a decade, I, I apologize a lot for that, 'cause they didn't deserve that.

Jessie 21:53 Mm.

Mel Robbins 21:54 And if I could go back in time, you know, people always ask, "What advice would you give your younger self?" If I could go back in time, actually-

Jessie 22:00 Yes.

Mel Robbins 22:01 ... I would help the younger parent version of me with my own emotional maturity and regulation-

Jessie 22:10 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 22:10 ... so that I could be a safe place to land-

Jessie 22:14 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 22:15 ... for my kids.

Jessie 22:16 Mm. Yeah. That makes complete sense. Complete sense. What surprised you the most about motherhood?

Mel Robbins 22:27 Um... (pauses) I think the thing that surprises me the most is how much it i- y- you have to change-

Jessie 22:41 Mm.

Mel Robbins 22:42 ... your approach given the situation or, if you have several kids, which kid you're dealing with.

Jessie 22:54 Mm.

Mel Robbins 22:55 Like,

Mel Robbins 22:56 r- my philosophy about parenting is that your job is to be a guide. You're a guide in helping her-

Jessie 23:07 Mm.

Mel Robbins 23:07 ... become who she's supposed to be.

Jessie 23:10 Yes.

Mel Robbins 23:11 And so that's a very different role than thinking, "I'm a parent, we're a family that skis."

Jessie 23:17 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 23:17 You know, "I'm a parent, we're a family that plays lacrosse and so- I'm a parent, everybody in our family's a doctor."

Jessie 23:23 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 23:23 Well, that's your vision. That's not guiding somebody. That's dictating who they are-

Jessie 23:30 Right.

Mel Robbins 23:30 ... based on your expectations. If you embrace the role of a parent, to be, "I am a guide that is helping somebody figure out who they are-"

Jessie 23:43 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 23:43 "... which means I make it safe for them to feel what they feel-"

Jessie 23:46 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 23:47 "... I am open and generous and supportive with all the things they wanna try." If they wanna do music instead of sports, let them.

Jessie 23:56 Yes.

Mel Robbins 23:56 Right? If they e- end up falling in love with somebody that you don't like, let them.

Jessie 24:01 Mm.

Mel Robbins 24:02 Like, your job is not to dictate who this person is, your job is to create an environment where it's safe for them to discover who they are. Literally, this comes from Dr. Stuart Ablon, who I just love, from Harvard Medical School and, uh, Mass General Brigham, he calls it the with them parenting approach. Where, "Well, what do you wanna do about it?"

Jessie 24:21 Mm. Okay.

Mel Robbins 24:22 You know, how can I support you? Even your six-year-old can think about some of these things. You know, how do you feel about that? Because what you're doing when you start to ask questions like that is you're guiding your child and inviting them to think through situations, because they're going to have to learn as an adult to live with the consequences of their decisions.

Jessie 24:45 Right.

Mel Robbins 24:46 So helping them think through situations and being curious about what they might think-

Jessie 24:51 Mm.

Mel Robbins 24:51 ... that's a super important aspect of this because when, you know, the whole point, Jessie, is for your daughter to actually get through high school and leave.

Jessie 25:01 Right. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 25:01 That's the point.

Jessie 25:02 Right. (laughs) Okay. So-

Mel Robbins 25:03 And if you do it well-

Jessie 25:05 Right.

Mel Robbins 25:06 ... they not only leave and have the tools to create a life, but because you've been a guide and not a dictator, and because you have also created a safe space-

Jessie 25:20 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 25:22 ... they're always gonna come back.

Jessie 25:24 Right.

Mel Robbins 25:24 They're always gonna want to see you.

Jessie 25:26 Right.

Mel Robbins 25:26 And that's the one thing I'm so proud of with all three of our kids, is that I think the one thing that Chris and I did really well is that we tried to get our egos out of the way.

Jessie 25:39 Mm.

Mel Robbins 25:40 And we tried our best to create an environment where our kids could truly become who they're meant to be.

Jessie 25:49 Love that. Yes. That's beautiful. Which it, you made me think about, um, when I first started here, I'll never forget this 'cause I thought-

Mel Robbins 25:59 Uh-oh.

Jessie 25:59 ... it was such a, (laughs) such an incredible moment that I got to kind of be a fly on the wall to. Um, when Kendall was up here, I think she, she had run up, asked you a question about something.

Mel Robbins 26:11 Uh-huh.

Jessie 26:12 And your question to her was, "Do you want my advice or do you want me to listen?"

Mel Robbins 26:15 Mm-hmm.

Jessie 26:16 And I remember being like, "Oh my god. That's brilliant."

Mel Robbins 26:19 I think I remember this.

Jessie 26:21 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 26:21 Because I, this was before the room looked like this.

Jessie 26:23 Yes.

Mel Robbins 26:23 And she came tearing upstairs about something.

Jessie 26:25 Clad carpet. Yeah. Yeah. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 26:26 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This is the single most important question a parent could ever ask a child: Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen? And the reason why this question is so important is because for me personally, nine times out of ten, if your kid comes to you with a problem or they're upset about something or they're just even talking about something, I mean, we're older, we have more life experience. So of course we just jump right in-

Jessie 26:51 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 26:51 ... to the conversation and start solving and offering solutions and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And your kids don't want that.

Jessie 27:00 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 27:01 What they want is they want you to listen. And so that question, I can't remember who I learned it from, "Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?" stops you from stepping in and dictating what your kid does. When you say, "Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?" you're actually letting them-

Jessie 27:22 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 27:23 ... have their own experience. You're letting them share their life with you. And then the second part of that, when you let me be a guide, not a dictator, "Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?" now I'm guiding the conversation and I'm signaling that I actually believe in your ability to know what you want and to ask for what you want. And this beautiful space opens up-

Jessie 27:57 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 27:58 ... between the two of you. And what I discovered with my kids anyway is that 99% of the time, they do not want my advice.

Jessie 28:04 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 28:05 They just want a safe place to come and air it out.

Jessie 28:08 Right.

Mel Robbins 28:09 And that's that. And you can use that in a marriage, you can use it with friendship. Anytime somebody comes to you, but particularly kids, I want you to say, "Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?" And you're gonna be surprised not only about how often they just need you to listen, but actually if you ask them, "Well, have you thought what you might want to do about it?" how smart they actually are.

Jessie 28:31 Mm.

Mel Robbins 28:32 One other thing that I really want to say, because this was a mistake that I made when our kids got into middle school. The single most important thing that you have to protect is your kids' trust in you.

Jessie 28:47 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 28:47 And the fastest way for you to guarantee that your kids will never tell you anything is if your kids come to you, "Do you want my advice or do you just want to listen?" Right? So your kids come to you and they start telling you about things that are going on with their friends or at school. You are gonna want to call your friends, especially if they're the parents of the other kids.

Jessie 29:11 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 29:12 You are gonna want to tell the other parents what's going on. And you have to be very careful, because if your child comes to you out of trust and is just sharing what's going on with their life, that's a beautiful thing. It shows that they trust you. If they say, "Don't tell anybody," don't tell anybody.

Jessie 29:31 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 29:32 And if you go to another parent or you go to another friend, and you then share what they told you... If it's another parent, that parent's gonna tell their child, and then that child's gonna tell it back at school, and then your kid is gonna find out at school that you broke their trust.

Jessie 29:49 Right.

Mel Robbins 29:50 If you say, "I won't tell your father," and then you tell their father, and then you say to the father, "Don't tell them," and then the father tells them, you just broke the trust.

Jessie 29:58 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 29:59 And so there's a couple caveats to this. So if any of my kids ever came to me and said, "Don't tell Dad," what I would say to them is, "I understand why you may not want me to, but Dad and I are a team."

Jessie 30:11 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 30:11 "And Dad loves you. And I'm asking your permission to tell him because I'm uncomfortable withholding information from him. And I promise you you're not gonna get in trouble, and I promise you we're gonna work together on this, and I promise you that he won't tell anybody."But I need your permission to tell him, or you and I can go together and you can tell him when I'm with you. What would you like to do? And it's so cool because there has never been an instance where they haven't said okay.

Jessie 30:44 Oh.

Mel Robbins 30:44 They may have been scared of his reaction, but what you're also cutting off at the knees is that thing that kids do so beautifully, where they separate the two of you-

Jessie 30:55 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 30:56 ... and then they turn the two of you against each other.

Jessie 30:58 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 30:59 And the other caveat, I would say, if they go, "I don't want you to tell anybody," be like, "Well, that's actually not one of the options, honey."

Jessie 31:06 Right.

Mel Robbins 31:06 "And I think you came to me because you know that and you know me." And what that does is it keeps the trust-

Jessie 31:17 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 31:17 ... between you and your child. Because if you break that trust, they're now gonna take every issue in their life to their friends, and they're never gonna tell you anything.

Jessie 31:27 Right. And it just empowers them.

Mel Robbins 31:30 Yes. And by the way, this is true whether you have kids or not.

Jessie 31:34 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 31:35 This is true of friendship.

Jessie 31:37 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 31:38 This is true of a partnership. This is true about how your mom might complain about your dad. Do you allow people to share information and then do you actually trust? Do you seek permission to tell? Do you tell somebody, "I'm uncomfortable knowing this without being able to do something"?

Jessie 31:56 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 31:57 You have more power than you realize in these situations. And if you really want to prioritize trust with somebody, then really take seriously those moments where somebody shares something with you. And if you do wanna tell somebody, ask permission and explain why. And, you know, if you got it wrong,

Mel Robbins 32:18 because I s- I got this wrong. How I learned this lesson is I actually got it wrong. I had one of my kids come to me and tell me something that was going on, and then I casually shared it. It was about drinking, you know, in like high school. I casually shared it with one of my closest friends because I just assumed she knew about this party.

Jessie 32:39 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 32:40 Her daughter hadn't told her that's where they were.

Jessie 32:42 Ugh.

Mel Robbins 32:43 So then the daughter gets grounded and then blames my daughter.

Jessie 32:47 Oh, no.

Mel Robbins 32:48 And then it becomes this whole thing. And I did that to myself.

Jessie 32:52 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 32:54 I did that to myself. And so I learned this the hard way, and it took me a couple years to actually build up trust-

Jessie 33:02 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 33:03 ... again with my daughter, because I was the one who broke it.

Jessie 33:07 Yeah, and I think y- you feel like you're in a good trust place now with all three?

Mel Robbins 33:10 Oh my god, I know too much. It's like too much.

Jessie 33:13 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 33:14 Can't you talk to your gynecologist about that? Like, I don't know. (laughs)

Jessie 33:16 (laughs) Oh. Um, what's one moment where you completely, quote, messed up as a mom, and what did it teach you?

Mel Robbins 33:27 Oh my gosh. Uh, you know, I have so many moments that I've messed up as a mom. Um, oh, I know a good one.

Jessie 33:36 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 33:37 Oh, I know a good one.

Jessie 33:39 Yeah? (laughs)

Mel Robbins 33:40 Yes.

Jessie 33:40 All right, let's hear it.

Mel Robbins 33:41 Oh my gosh. Our son, Oakley, had the most annoying anxiety in the world.

Jessie 33:46 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 33:46 And he would get all worked up because whenever we would go anywhere that was new, there was like this range of time where everything was collapsing in his life. We didn't know he had dyslexia yet. He was changing schools. Like, all this stuff was changing. His anxiety was through the roof, and he became extraordinarily anxious about everything, and he had this incredible fear of throwing up, incredible fear.

Jessie 34:09 Mm.

Mel Robbins 34:10 And there were a number of moments where... Oh my god, like there are so many moments. There were moments where we spent all this money to take the kids to go see this particular Broadway show where, uh, Ben Platt was in it. It was the... I can't remember what it was, and we're up in the balcony. And Oakley starts having a freaking panic attack 'cause he thinks he's gonna throw up, and so we have to leave in the middle of the show-

Jessie 34:34 Oh, no.

Mel Robbins 34:34 ... and like go in front of everybody at the end of the song-

Jessie 34:38 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 34:38 ... you know, or the finale, and it's, your, your knees are up against the thing-

Jessie 34:41 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 34:41 ... and I'm so angry at him.

Jessie 34:44 Oh.

Mel Robbins 34:44 This poor little guy.

Jessie 34:46 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 34:47 And I, I, I, I couldn't be kind.

Jessie 34:51 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 34:52 And we were on an airplane once, and he starts freaking out and wiggling, "I'm gonna throw up, I'm gonna throw up, I..." And I'm like, "You're not gonna throw up." And I'm like taking him to the thing, and I would get so frustrated. And we get out, and of course he vomits all over the airport.

Jessie 35:07 Oh.

Mel Robbins 35:08 Yeah, poor little... I, I'm an asshole.

Jessie 35:10 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 35:10 Because I... It became such a thing that instead of meeting it with compassion, I felt so ill-equipped with how to deal with it, I met it with anger and frustration.

Jessie 35:21 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 35:22 And nine times out of 10, it was, it was nothing. Like, it was nothing for me in terms of he wasn't throwing up. It was just this thing that became a trigger. And we were talking about it the other day actually, and as we were talking about it, I started to cry, and I was just like, "I am so sorry."

Jessie 35:39 Mm.

Mel Robbins 35:40 Like, "You didn't get the support you deserved, and that's on me."

Jessie 35:47 Mm.

Mel Robbins 35:48 Like, "The second that you, you felt scared or upset or thought you were gonna throw up, like I wish I would've just put my arms around you and comforted you." I d- I, you know, I, I would imme- I would in the beginning, and then he'd just get so worked up, and then I'd get frustrated with it. And I've just like apologized, and apologized, and apologized. We were sitting there the other night here, and that is something that I wish I could go back and change, because I think I made his anxiety worse.

Jessie 36:18 Mm.

Mel Robbins 36:19 And I think it's normal to get frustrated and, and exacerbated with your kids, especially when they have mental health problems, or they have a lot of behavioral stuff, or like you're just going through situations where you just can't catch a break.But I just feel so bad at just how, I just would, just get... I must have been like a grizzly bear to him.

Jessie 36:43 Mm. Aww. But I love that you had that conversation with him about it.

Mel Robbins 36:48 He was like, "It's okay, Mom."

Jessie 36:48 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 36:48 I'm like, "No, it's actually not okay."

Jessie 36:51 Aww.

Mel Robbins 36:51 "I need you to understand," and I started crying, "that I really screwed up. Like, you deserve somebody in your life that could actually meet that moment and comfort you, and I take responsibility for the fact that this stuck around for several years, because..." I'd say half of the times when this was happening, because it was always like out in public.

Jessie 37:12 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 37:13 "I, I just got so frustrated with you and I'm so sorry."

Jessie 37:17 Yeah.

Jessie 37:18 Yeah. Um, I would love to kind of pivot.

Mel Robbins 37:20 Mm-hmm.

Jessie 37:20 What's your advice for balancing work and kids? And as a businesswoman and mom of three, and adult kids too, and you've obviously had a heck of a career, how have you done that with three little ones and three adult ones?

Mel Robbins 37:34 Gosh, there's so much to say on this topic. I think that with guilt, first it's important, and I didn't understand that, to recognize that if you need to work because you need money to pay your bills, you should not feel guilty. You should feel proud of the fact...

Jessie 37:54 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 37:54 ... that you are doing what is necessary to be able to financially take care of this little person.

Jessie 38:02 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 38:03 That is not something to feel guilty about. That is something to recognize and acknowledge yourself, because it's a sense of responsibility that goes straight to safety and the ability to take care of somebody.

Jessie 38:14 Right.

Mel Robbins 38:15 And if your kids are in daycare or they have a babysitter because you're working so that you can pay your bills...

Jessie 38:21 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 38:22 ... that is not something to be guilty about, because you're taking responsibility for what is necessary in order to take care of somebody.

Jessie 38:32 Yes.

Mel Robbins 38:32 And so, that is a really important thing to understand. Now, if you feel guilty because you don't want to be working...

Jessie 38:43 Mm.

Mel Robbins 38:43 ... you want to be home, that is a different form of guilt. In my case, I started to feel really guilty because, as I was making a living speaking and my kids were older, I would be, uh, you know, I don't know, in Kansas City giving a speech. I loved it, but I felt so guilty because I was not at the field hockey game-

Jessie 39:04 Right.

Mel Robbins 39:04 ... back in Boston.

Jessie 39:05 Right.

Mel Robbins 39:06 You've gotta ask yourself, is this guilt just the bullshit that the world has told me-

Jessie 39:11 Mm.

Mel Robbins 39:12 ... that, as a woman, I need to be everywhere?

Jessie 39:14 Yes.

Mel Robbins 39:15 Because a lot of guys don't feel this way.

Jessie 39:16 No. No. That's so frustrating.

Mel Robbins 39:17 Because they get, they get, they get gaslit into believing that their only value is in providing.

Jessie 39:22 Right.

Mel Robbins 39:23 And so, if you're feeling guilty, ask yourself, "Is this just society telling me that I'm supposed to be somewhere or I'm supposed to be everywhere?"

Jessie 39:34 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 39:34 "Or, is this a different kind of guilt?" Because there's two kinds of guilt. There's the destructive guilt, and that's the kind of guilt that society puts on you. "You're not doing mothering right. You're not spending enough time with your kids. You need to be breastfeeding. You can't do this, you can't do that, you gotta do this thing." That guilt is bullshit.

Jessie 39:52 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 39:53 "You shouldn't be working, 'cause you be out..." Bullshit.

Jessie 39:55 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 39:58 The second type of guilt is productive. And that's the type I'm talking about. Productive guilt is actually tied to deep values. And what that productive guilt was telling me, Jessie, at that moment in time-

Jessie 40:14 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 40:15 ... was that I valued family.

Jessie 40:20 Yes.

Mel Robbins 40:20 And I had reached my goal of paying off our bills, and we had enough money to live.

Jessie 40:30 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 40:31 That that guilt was saying, "You need to stop taking so much work on and you need to be home more, because you're missing out on something you value." Do you see how that's very different?

Jessie 40:42 Yes.

Mel Robbins 40:42 And, you know, I'll, I'll give you the other end of the spectrum. So when Sawyer was born and also when Kendall was born, the same with Oakley, we couldn't afford our house unless we were both working.

Jessie 40:54 Mm.

Mel Robbins 40:55 And we didn't have family nearby.

Jessie 40:57 Right.

Mel Robbins 40:57 And so, the math equation was such that, at the time, this would've been 2- 1999 and 2000 and kinda 2000, you know, 7, we both needed to be working.

Jessie 41:11 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 41:12 If we just wanted to keep our house, then we both needed to work and we needed to tighten the belt a little bit so we could also pay for daycare.

Jessie 41:21 Right.

Mel Robbins 41:21 And I didn't actually feel guilty about working or having my kids in daycare, because I knew that the reason why I was working, it was tied to a core value of wanting to provide.

Jessie 41:34 Yes.

Mel Robbins 41:34 Do you see how that-

Jessie 41:34 Yes.

Mel Robbins 41:35 Do you see what I mean?

Jessie 41:36 Just putting a roof over everyone's head.

Mel Robbins 41:37 Yes.

Jessie 41:37 Yes, yes.

Mel Robbins 41:37 And so, if it's tied to a value, then you're not gonna feel guilty.

Jessie 41:42 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 41:43 And the final thing that I'm gonna say about work and life and, the, uh, I don't ever use the word balancing at all, because you have a very full life. It's not about balancing at all.

Jessie 41:54 Right. Right.

Mel Robbins 41:54 It's more like a Lego kit. There's all different squares everywhere.

Jessie 41:57 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 41:58 How do I create boundaries so that I can fit in the things that matter?

Jessie 42:04 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 42:05 And boundaries can look like, "I work during the day, I go home at 5:00. I don't... Or, I go home at 3:00. I don't look at my phone."

Jessie 42:17 All right.

Mel Robbins 42:18 "And I don't look at my laptop. But as soon as the baby goes down for the night, I actually finish up my day for an hour."

Jessie 42:26 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 42:26 Do you see what I mean? Like, you can have boundaries. And what I would recommend is try not to be, from the beginning, to the extent that you can figure out how to have boundaries where, "I'm gonna be present with her here-"

Jessie 42:39 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 42:40 And then I'm gonna work for this period of time. I, it's gonna be a whole blend for the first six months or so until you get into a rhythm. But thinking about it that way, like, "If I'm gonna be present for work, I wanna be present for work. If I'm gonna be present with her, I'm gonna be present for her." And kind of thinking about those boundaries are really important.

Jessie 42:57 I love that. Yes. And I think it's confirmation too that women can climb the ladder while still having-

Mel Robbins 43:03 Of course.

Jessie 43:03 ... babies and, and nothing has to change.

Mel Robbins 43:06 No. Nothing has to change. And one of the most beautiful things that you can give to a child is showing them a mom.

Jessie 43:12 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 43:13 Who has ambition.

Jessie 43:14 Yes.

Mel Robbins 43:15 'Cause, you know, you weren't put on this planet, Jessie, to be a mother or a wife.

Jessie 43:20 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 43:20 You were put on this planet to be you. And being a mom and being a wife and, you know, being a studio manager and a video editor and all this stuff, those are all pieces of who you are.

Jessie 43:33 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 43:34 And losing who you are to your kids is not necessarily a service to them, because who's gonna teach them what it looks like to build a full life? It's you.

Jessie 43:43 Right.

Mel Robbins 43:43 And that's exactly what you're

Mel Robbins 43:44 gonna do.

Jessie 43:44 Right. Listener question is from Kelly. "Mel, how do I find time for myself? My mornings are pure chaos. My son's schedule is unpredictable, and I'm constantly scrambling to get us out the door."

Mel Robbins 43:54 Mm.

Jessie 43:55 "Some days I'm so overwhelmed I cry on my way to work."

Mel Robbins 43:57 Aw.

Jessie 43:57 "I try to work out twice a week, but I wanna do more and I can't figure out how. Any advice to help me move forward?"

Mel Robbins 44:03 Yes. Um, the thing that changed my life with little kids, I don't know how old her kid is, is it's critical that after you put them to bed and you do your nightly routine-

Jessie 44:18 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 44:18 ... with your kid, and if you don't have one, like look at when your ch- kid is going to bed.

Jessie 44:21 Okay.

Mel Robbins 44:22 Because they should probably be in bed by 8:00.

Jessie 44:24 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 44:25 No, I'm serious. Like there, there's this huge trend of keeping kids awake at night.

Jessie 44:28 Oh.

Mel Robbins 44:28 I don't understand this. Like keep them-

Jessie 44:30 I didn't even know that.

Mel Robbins 44:30 No. Your kids desperately need sleep for their development.

Jessie 44:34 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 44:34 And so do you. And so developing a really steady night routine, that is a certain time we go upstairs, we run the bath, we put on the jammies, we put ... Like the whole thing that just gets them in the routine.

Jessie 44:47 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 44:47 8:00 you're in bed. Now you have an hour where you can kinda clean things up and the most important thing is get everything ready for tomorrow morning.

Jessie 44:59 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 45:00 Pack the lunches, pack the backpack, organize your stuff for work because the things that you do at night create time and peace in the morning.

Jessie 45:12 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 45:13 So absolutely everything that you can do the night before, from packing the lunch to packing the backpacks to packing your work stuff to gathering it all to even picking out the coat and the boots, put it all by the door so you don't have to scramble for anything. You do that at night and you probably just gained 30 minutes of calm in the morning. Because once you're under the gun in the morning and your stress level goes up-

Jessie 45:40 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 45:40 ... isn't it interesting how you can never find anything?

Jessie 45:42 (laughs) Ever.

Mel Robbins 45:43 Right.

Jessie 45:43 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 45:44 So doing it at night is a lifesaver. Okay, so that's one thing. In the morning, you need to get up a half an hour earlier than you do.

Jessie 45:53 Mm.

Mel Robbins 45:55 And the reason why I say that is because if you start to develop a very consistent bedtime, so, "I'm sorry, we're just a family. You go to sleep. You don't have your devices." You know, like-

Jessie 46:03 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 46:03 ... you're in bed because mom needs to be in bed by 9:30.

Jessie 46:07 Right. Yes.

Mel Robbins 46:08 Right? You see how this works? And if you're in bed by 9:30, that means you can get a good night's sleep and wake up a half an hour before your child typically gets up, and that's when you exercise.

Jessie 46:22 Mm.

Mel Robbins 46:22 That's when you have your time for yourself.

Jessie 46:24 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 46:25 That's when you set up your day so that you are feeling okay before the chaos. Because once, when you're a parent, the second the children are awake, your day is no longer yours.

Jessie 46:37 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 46:37 The only chance you have, I am not gonna lie to you, the second your child wakes up, the day is no longer yours.

Jessie 46:44 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 46:45 At some point in getting your child out the door, you're gonna look at your phone, which mean your brain is no longer yours because now you're thinking about work or you're thinking about social media or you're thinking about the news. You are not going to get your brain or your time back for the rest of the day. It's gone. It's already over. And so thinking about protecting those early morning hours for you and thinking about how you use the evening in your own wind down to pack up everything and get yourself ready, that changes everything.

Jessie 47:12 If a mom is listening right now drowning in guilt and perfectionism, what is the first thing you would tell her?

Mel Robbins 47:18 Take a deep breath.

Jessie 47:19 Mm.

Mel Robbins 47:21 Put your hand on your heart. In fact, just breathe in with me.

Jessie 47:29 (inhales and exhales deeply)

Mel Robbins 47:31 And just say, "I'm doing the best that I can with the resources I have at this moment in my life. I am gonna get through this. I'm gonna learn from this. I'm a good mom and I am going to continue to grow with my kids. This moment is not gonna last forever and I'm gonna learn something from it and I just gotta give myself some grace." Like sometimes just, if all you have to give is 60%-

Jessie 48:00 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 48:01 ... and you give 60%, you gave the 100% you had to give.

Jessie 48:05 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 48:07 And recognizing there are gonna be times in your life where you only have 60% to give. And if you can figure out how to give all that and give yourself a little grace, like you deserve the acknowledgement that you gave what you had to give.

Jessie 48:23 Mm. Beautiful.

Jessie 48:26 And Mel, what is your advice for the people listening who have adult children right now?

Mel Robbins 48:31 Um, that you did a great job. Like stop beating yourself up. There are things that we all, in the rear view mirror, like feel like we could've done better, and it is never too late to apologize-... for the mistakes that you've made, or the things that you see from where you are now about how you've grown, that you would have done differently. And I find that every time I have one of those conversations with my kids, first of all, they're very forgiving. But they so appreciate the fact that I'm willing to say, "I screwed that up and you deserved better." And it's like this, like (sighs) for both of us.

Jessie 49:12 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 49:12 And so acknowledging the things that you wish you could change is a beautiful way to almost, like, clear the slate-

Jessie 49:23 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 49:23 ... and create something new, and that's the other thing. I think it's never too late to improve, change, grow closer to somebody. So if you've grown distant from your kids, or you've grown distant from your parents, or the resentment has built up, or you feel like, you can always, always, always, I think, find ways to reconnect. And the Let Them Theory has actually been wildly helpful for me, uh, in learning at this point in my life how to love people as they are and stop trying to change them.

Jessie 49:58 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 49:59 Because when you look at your kids and you wanna change them, you want them to be more motivated, you want them to get better grades, you wish you weren't da- dating that person, you, you know, y- y- wanting more for somebody is a beautiful thing. But when you really think that's what should happen, you're not loving them, you're judging them. And our kids know that.

Jessie 50:18 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 50:19 And the same is true with your parents. That for me, the single biggest thing that's helped my relationships is the Let Them Theory. I- I kid you not, because it forced me to have to learn how to stop controlling and changing and wishing people were different, and actually do the work to see people as they are and learn how to love and accept them as they are.

Jessie 50:41 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 50:42 And that doesn't come by changing other people. It comes from changing yourself and the judgments that you have about other people.

Jessie 50:49 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 50:50 And then you go to the let me part, which is, okay, if I'm gonna let this person be who they are and I'm gonna stop trying to change them, and I'm gonna learn to accept them exactly as they are right now, let me figure out how I wanna show up in this dynamic. And if you want more connection, it's not on them, it's on you. And you may have somebody that is not reaching back out. If they're not, it tells me that there's probably something that's built up, some friction, some something, that is just in the way. And see, I think everything through acknowledging mistakes made, through learning to accept people instead of judging people, and really determining for yourself, what kind of relationship do I want? And if I'm willing to, to, really invest the time and energy in showing up differently, then that's where I have the power to change the dynamic here.

Mel Robbins 51:56 I, I, I really do believe that with time, with grace, with compassion, with acceptance, that, that you can move closer to people that you feel distance from, and you can apologize for, and you can forgive yourself, and you can make amends, and you can do better, even when you've made a lot of mistakes in the past.

Jessie 52:16 Mm.

Mel Robbins 52:16 Like, it is the, the time that you put into your relationship with your kids, or your parents, or your siblings, or, eh, your friends, like it just pays dividends. A- all the research is very clear, and this comes from Dr. Robert Waldinger, who is the fourth director of the Harvard Study for Adult Development, which has been going on for like 86 years. You wanna be happy and healthy in your life, you wanna have a meaningful life, it's just all about relationships.

Jessie 52:46 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 52:48 And whether, as you're listening, you're thinking about your own experience as a parent, or you're thinking about your parents, or you're, like Jesse, about to be a parent-

Jessie 52:57 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 52:58 ... or you are contemplating whether or not you would ever want kids or not, like everything we're talking about is the basics of relationships with any human being.

Jessie 53:10 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 53:11 It's just that when you're a parent, you are responsible for parenting, which is keeping them safe and giving them shelter and food and teaching them the characters and values that you want to instill, and then getting out of the way and guiding them and supporting them in becoming who they're meant to be. And they're not meant to be a mini you, not at all. They are a blend and their own unique, amazing, fabulous miracle. Why would you want to shove a miracle into a little box? Why wouldn't you want to expand what's possible? And the only way that you do that is to, A, get out of the way and stop dictating what they do, but guiding what they do, and B, trust that they are actually something miraculous and they are capable of figuring out who they are. And they need your guidance. They don't need to be told what to do or dictated to. They need guidance and support in becoming who they're meant to become.

Jessie 54:23 Mm. That's beautiful. I really wanna thank you for this conversation and, and helping to ground my nerves too and my mind and my bo- all of it was just giving me the confidence that motherhood can be done, can be tackled, and-

Mel Robbins 54:42 Well, you got no choice at this point, 'cause it's happening, Jessie.

Jessie 54:44 No, it's, it's- (laughs)

Mel Robbins 54:45 So you... (laughs)

Jessie 54:45 She's coming really soon.

Mel Robbins 54:48 Yes, she is.

Jessie 54:49 But thank you for that, 'cause I think it's just a conversation that-

54:52 ... all women can have in some regard, I hope. So, I really appreciate you answering those questions.

Mel Robbins 54:59 Well, I appreciate you, Jessie. Good luck. I can't wait-

Jessie 55:01 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 55:01 ... to meet her. It's gonna be so exciting. So exciting. And I also just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for listening to this. Thank you for sharing this with your parents, with the people that you care about, with friends your age. Like, it's so exciting what's possible. I mean, I have screwed up so much in my life that I love knowing that even the screw-ups and mistakes that I've made, that you can learn from them, you can apologize for them, and that's a beautiful thing. And in case nobody else tells you this, I wanna tell you that I love you. And let me unpack what love is, 'cause I think this is very important. Love is not just reserved for families or for your kids or your parents. Love is very simple. It's just when you admire something in someone and when you have them in mind, consideration. And I admire the fact that you make the time to listen to something that could help you create a better life. I think that's so cool. And in terms of consideration, I know you don't have a lot of time, and you still hit play and you still spend your most precious resource together with me. And so, I always have you in mind when I am talking to you, when we're thinking about the topics. And so, that's why I say I love you. I admire you and I have you in mind, and that's that. And there's no doubt that you've got the tools and the inspiration to create a better life, so I cannot wait to hear what you think about this episode and I can't wait to welcome you back into the very next one. The moment you hit play, I'll be waiting for you and I'll see you there.

Mel Robbins 56:32 Were you waiting for the update on Jessie? I get it. I could not wait to hear how everything went. Spoiler alert, it all went really well. Here's Jessie with an update taped live from her new baby's nursery.

Jessie 56:46 Hi Mel, it's Jessie. I am coming to you five weeks postpartum here. I'm sitting in our little girl's nursery, which is wild to say, considering I feel like we just had that conversation in your studio about motherhood. I sure enough did not make it to 40 weeks, made it to 37, and had a incredible, perfect, uh, labor and delivery. I, I couldn't have asked for a better experience with that. We did get induced because of the high blood pressure and, again, little girl was healthy. She was born eight days after we recorded that. And I just wish I could go back and hug myself and tell her that she's about to have... Ugh, here come the postpartum emotions. Um, the most perfect labor and delivery, and the most incredible, um, hospital team there with us as well. Mel, you mentioned to trust your daughter. She chose you. And as I mentioned, it was not an easy path to get to her. There was a reason that it was her, and it took me a while to realize this reason, but, um, the week she was born was the one-year anniversary of our first miscarriage. And sure enough, a year and a day after that, we went and got induced for this little girl. So, a complete full circle moment that is so much bigger than me. It was always supposed to be her. It was always supposed to be this time. It was always supposed to be, um, three weeks early to h- to kind of put a bow on that path that we went through to get to her. So, it always gives me goosebumps when I think about that. (laughs) I am so grateful for that conversation and it is eye-opening to see how much strength I have gained in these last five weeks going into this new role as a mom and not knowing what I'm doing, and running off of two hours of sleep, and changing a million dirty diapers, and getting all the, the newborn snuggles, and I'm doing it. And it's just the most incredible role that I, I don't wanna ever be afraid of. If I'm not afraid, I can give her my best self and be a guide to her. And, gosh, motherhood is just the best. It's the best thing ever. And I didn't know it till I got here, and I'm so grateful I got here. So, on that note, I'm gonna go wipe up these tears again, and shout out to all of the moms out there, and the women who have gone through this and have raised little humans. And kudos to all of you women out there. I will see you very soon when I bring this little one around to the office and get to introduce her as the first little company baby. Thanks, Mel.

Mel Robbins 59:42 And for you sitting here watching with me on YouTube, I just wanna say please share this with somebody. Don't just sit and watch, please do something. And take a minute and subscribe to this channel, because it's really a way that you can support me in bringing you new videos every single day. And I'm sure you're looking for something really inspiring to watch, to really move you, so I want you to check out this video next.