You’ll Never See Your Family the Same After This Episode

1. 0:00 – 7:22

   Meet the Guest

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué0:00

      (instrumental music plays) You are not broken. You are simply carrying around generations of pain, and it can make your emotions feel, at times, unbearable and like healing is impossible. But I can tell you with certainty, you have an opportunity to create a different legacy than what you were handed. You can take that opportunity and transform your life starting today.

   2. MRMel Robbins0:26

      What's the first courageous step to take in order to start to break the generational cycle and to take responsibility for healing yourself?

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué0:37

      The hardest step is the first step.

   4. MRMel Robbins0:41

      Dr. Mariel Bouque-

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué0:43

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MRMel Robbins0:43

      ... welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué0:45

      Thank you. I'm so excited to be here with you, Mel.

   8. MRMel Robbins0:48

      I cannot wait for our conversation. I've been so looking forward to this. And I would love to have you start by telling me, how could my life be different? If I take everything to heart that you're about to teach-

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:02

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins1:03

       ... me today and share with me today, h- how could that change my life?

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:08

       My hope is that people can see the possibility of existing within their families in a way that feels nourishing, even if their families do not have the capacity to do the work that they need-

   12. MRMel Robbins1:28

       Ah.

   13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:29

       ... to do. That they can still take whatever they can out of that family life and leave the rest behind.

   14. MRMel Robbins1:36

       Wow. And that's why you're here, because we're gonna cover all of that today. And what I love about your work is that you put the power squarely within each and every one of us individually to create that connection, to create that nurturing experience, to shift things in a positive way through our own work in healing what we need to heal.

   15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué2:05

       Absolutely. I mean, you know, you probably have been living in decades of pain, right? And taking the time to actually heal those decades, and even the preceding generations that are-

   16. MRMel Robbins2:16

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MBDr. Mariel Buqué2:16

       ... accumulated onto those decades that you've been suffering, you can actually shift the trajectory of your own life. So, decrease your own suffering while also modeling that for the next generation, and the next generation, and the next generation.

   18. MRMel Robbins2:33

       Um, I have a feeling that this is gonna be an episode that people listen to, and share within their family, and that they share intergenerationally.

   19. MBDr. Mariel Buqué2:47

       Ah, yes.

   20. MRMel Robbins2:48

       And I'd love to have you, Dr. Bouque, to talk directly to a parent-

   21. MBDr. Mariel Buqué2:53

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins2:54

       ... who has been sent this episode by one of their children-

   23. MBDr. Mariel Buqué2:59

       Mm-hmm.

   24. MRMel Robbins3:00

       ... or one of their siblings, and speak a little bit about the invitation and the opportunity-

   25. MBDr. Mariel Buqué3:07

       Mm-hmm.

   26. MRMel Robbins3:07

       ... that is there for them.

   27. MBDr. Mariel Buqué3:09

       Mm-hmm. You have an opportunity to create a different legacy than what you were handed-

   28. MRMel Robbins3:18

       Hmm.

   29. MBDr. Mariel Buqué3:19

       ... to heal the parts of you that have been hurting for so long. You can take that opportunity and transform your life starting today. This is an invitation for you to be able to do that.

   30. MRMel Robbins3:34

       Is it ever too late to start this? Because I, you know, i- if you're older-
2. 7:22 – 9:31

   Why Siblings Remember the Same Childhood Completely Differently

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué7:22

      with those variables, siblings that follow the path together can actually feel like the path is less lonely.

   2. MRMel Robbins7:30

      But what if you have a sibling... 'Cause I would imagine this is the kind of episode that if this is resonating, you're gonna wanna send it to your sister or to your brother and really invite them to learn from Dr. Bouquet.

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué7:46

      Mm-hmm.

   4. MRMel Robbins7:46

      But what if you're in a situation where you have a sibling that had a very different childhood?

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué7:51

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MRMel Robbins7:52

      Mom wasn't like that. Dad was... That didn't... Like, the, the sibling and the sibling's denial of your experience in the same household-

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué8:00

      Mm-hmm.

   8. MRMel Robbins8:01

      ... is part of the pain that you're dealing with.

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué8:04

      No individual in your family and in, in that household can validate your experience because that's an internal job.

   10. MRMel Robbins8:11

       Hmm.

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué8:12

       And so that person, any sibling that you have will not be able to mirror the experience that you've had because you've had completely different lives even within the same household, so it's gonna be really essential for you to simply learn how to engage in that auto-validation and not expect it from anyone else, including your siblings.

   12. MRMel Robbins8:33

       Dr. Bouquet, can you speak to the eldest daughter and the type of trauma or wound that she may be experiencing and has the opportunity to heal?

   13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué8:47

       Yeah. You know, the eldest daughter is the prototypical parentified child. It's the daughter that typically takes on a lot of the family burdens. It's the daughter that is typically the fixer of the family household. And it's the daughter that tends to have to act as a parent to younger siblings well before a time when she's ready to parent. All of these things actually create really deep wounds in a person who's robbed of their childhood-

   14. MRMel Robbins9:21

       Mm-hmm.

   15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué9:21

       ... and who needed to feel a sense of security and dependence upon others. And so, eldest daughters have an opportunity

3. 9:31 – 20:01

   What is The Eldest Daughter Theory?

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué9:31

      to heal that parentification, have an opportunity to really offer themselves a re-parenting process and, and give themselves what they did not receive, and they have an opportunity to rectify the relationships that they have had with siblings or with parents that may have been fractured as a result of the role that they were forced into.

   2. MRMel Robbins9:57

      What are the types of things that the eldest daughter has experienced? Just to validate that, you know what I mean?

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué10:04

      Mm-hmm.

   4. MRMel Robbins10:04

      Like, what, how does that manifest-

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué10:06

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MRMel Robbins10:07

      ... in terms of how the eldest daughter... And I'm assuming you mean not just necessarily birth order, but that there's even experiences that people have of being put in the role of eldest daughter-

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué10:19

      Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

   8. MRMel Robbins10:20

      ... even though they might have been the youngest, that they still had to be the parent in the household, they still were the fixer, they were still the person that had to make everything okay.

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué10:28

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins10:28

       But what are the types of things that the eldest daughter struggles with as an adult to really validate her experience?

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué10:37

       Oh, wow. You know, um, I'm gonna take a, a circumstance that happens very often and that it doesn't have, like, malice embedded in the-

   12. MRMel Robbins10:50

       Okay.

   13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué10:50

       ... in it, right? Like, for example, um, let's take into consideration a parent that has to work two, three jobs. They're away for a long period of time, and so the eldest daughter, in essence, has to step in and after school feed her younger siblings, make sure they're tucked into bed, right? Like, do all the things that a parent would. But who's tucking her in? Who's feeding her? Who's nurturing her? Who's taking care of her? Over time, she learns that she must be only of service to others and deny her own needs, and that's what typically happens in adult life, that she'll enter into intimate relationships that way and never really know how to express her own needs because her needs were never really acknowledged as a child and, and she never learned the language of her own needs. And so, she goes about life in that way. She may even transition into the workplace not expressing what she needs from a boss, from a colleague, and so it really starts to generalize, in friendships everywhere. She may even become a parent, and as a parent, she'll have needs and won't be able to express them.So eldest daughters really take on the role of being of service to others for life, and sometimes even take on that role with a sense of pride, um, not realizing how harmful it can be for them.

   14. MRMel Robbins12:19

       What's possible for the eldest daughter if she starts to heal this wound? Because what it sounds like what she needs is to be able to trust others-

   15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué12:30

       Mm-hmm.

   16. MRMel Robbins12:31

       ... to take care of her needs, and she needs to learn how to express them and trust that other people will help fulfill them. Is that, is that really the wound you're healing?

   17. MBDr. Mariel Buqué12:40

       It is. And she's able to experience reciprocity in relationships.

   18. MRMel Robbins12:45

       Hmm.

   19. MBDr. Mariel Buqué12:46

       Yeah. She's able to receive without guilt.

   20. MRMel Robbins12:52

       That's possible?

   21. MBDr. Mariel Buqué12:53

       That's possible. We have to heal the wound, of course, but that's possible.

   22. MRMel Robbins12:58

       Why is it important, even if you don't wanna believe it, to hold space for the belief that your parent inadvertently did this damage, that they didn't mean to? Why is that an important thing-

   23. MBDr. Mariel Buqué13:16

       Hmm.

   24. MRMel Robbins13:18

       ... to create space for as you have this type of conversation?

   25. MBDr. Mariel Buqué13:24

       Well, it's important because it allows us to see their humanity. We cannot paint a picture of perfent, perfect parenting. Um, it is a really, really hard, um, it's, it's an unfair idea to hold against any parent, right?

   26. MRMel Robbins13:48

       Mm.

   27. MBDr. Mariel Buqué13:48

       Um, it's an unfair standard is what I mean. And so, it's gonna be really critical that we allow them to be fully human, fully flawed, and to allow ourselves to experience the flawed parent that we did indeed have. I just said, you know, allow us to experience, allow us to feel. A lot of this is about feeling into the things that we tend to avoid, right?

   28. MRMel Robbins14:14

       Mm.

   29. MBDr. Mariel Buqué14:15

       Many times, what we wanna do is not acknowledge, not touch the topic, not think about it. But when we dive into it in a safe way, when we dive into it little by little, we're able to, to really sit with the reality that's in front of us, that we've had parents that could've, you know, erred here and there, and that they did the, the best they could, and for some people, that they had parents that really did have malicious intent.

   30. MRMel Robbins14:45

       Mm-hmm, or were just mentally ill or addicted, right? And there's no amount of love that you can give them that will make them well.
4. 20:01 – 29:35

   How Men vs Women Cope with Trauma

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué20:01

      able to protect itself against disease, uh, against chronic illness, that then, uh, tends to impact women a lot more than men.

   2. MRMel Robbins20:10

      And how does traumatic experiences and suppressing your emotion create an autoimmune condition?

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué20:18

      Well, there is a suppression of the immune system, right?

   4. MRMel Robbins20:22

      Oh.

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué20:23

      So th- the- the immune system is suppressed, and that is what- what triggers the process of autoimmunity. Um, with men, we tend to see a little bit more of an externalized version of their pain, right? And so it's more outward, more anger. But underneath, there's pain and pain.

   6. MRMel Robbins20:42

      Hmm.

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué20:42

      There's hurt and hurt. There's sadness and sadness. Grief and grief, right? Um, but the thing is that, unfortunately for, um, society, we've also conditioned everyone, I guess, you know, to just, like, um... Let me backtrack.

   8. MRMel Robbins21:00

      You're doing great, by the way.

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué21:01

      Thank you (laughs) . Um, what I also see in my practice is that the predominance of people that actually come in for help happen to be women.

   10. MRMel Robbins21:12

       Hmm.

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué21:13

       So whenever I get an opportunity, and it is, you know, a deep honor to work with a man, someone who's male identified who wishes to do some of that work, it is a rarity, I have to say. I've had, at one point in time, like 75, 80 patients. And of those, I had, like three that were men.

   12. MRMel Robbins21:32

       What does that tell you about the state of things and the importance that you not just listen for yourself or watch as you're watching on YouTube, but you share this with the men in your life? Because my experience has been with my husband who, you know, we've been married almost 30 years, that it's only in recent years that he is understanding that his shut-downness-

   13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué21:54

       Mm-hmm.

   14. MRMel Robbins21:54

       ... and the fact that he self-isolates and goes quiet-

   15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué21:58

       Mm-hmm.

   16. MRMel Robbins21:58

       ... there's a lot of anger under there that he doesn't... He's not a yeller.

   17. MBDr. Mariel Buqué22:02

       Yeah.

   18. MRMel Robbins22:02

       That's me.

   19. MBDr. Mariel Buqué22:02

       Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins22:03

       I'm not proud of that, but-

   21. MBDr. Mariel Buqué22:04

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins22:04

       ... uh, but that that is from his childhood. That is tied to a lot of pain.

   23. MBDr. Mariel Buqué22:12

       Mm-hmm.

   24. MRMel Robbins22:12

       And so, what does that tell you in terms of the fact that women are coming to you versus men about the need to talk about this more and understand it for yourself and for everybody in your life?

   25. MBDr. Mariel Buqué22:25

       Well, it's telling me that we're forgetting men. We're forgetting them, and we need to share resources. We need to share anything that we have. This- this episode, right? Books. Anything that can actually be helpful. Um, and also allow them to have some sort of space where they can express their emotions. We have socialized men to basically abandon their emotions and- and not cry.

   26. MRMel Robbins22:54

       Hmm.

   27. MBDr. Mariel Buqué22:54

       You know, we don't let boys cry, right? Which then turn into men that don't feel like they can actually emote. And so that- that can actually be such a tragic circumstance for so many men because they're human, and they do have emotions, and they need to talk about their emotions just like women, right? And so I think that if we give them a bit more of the attention and the resources, I think that w- we'll be better off as a society just really kind of helping everyone. Men, women, kids, and, you know, anyone in between.

   28. MRMel Robbins23:23

       So for the person who's here with us who's listening or watching on YouTube right now, what's the first courageous step to take in order to start to break the generational cycle and to take responsibility for healing yourself?

   29. MBDr. Mariel Buqué23:39

       The hardest step is the first step. It's acknowledgement. It's naming the truth. It's taking the family secrets out of the closet, sweeping them out of underneath the rug, and exposing them-

   30. MRMel Robbins23:56

       Uh-oh.
5. 29:35 – 35:58

   Daily Healing Practices That Work (Nervous System Regulation Tools)

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué29:35

      parenting my kids from a place that feels warm and caring." Right? Like, you can just affirm yourself along the way. As you're driving to work, you can do some deep breathing. When you're at work and you're placing your meal in the microwave, you can breathe some more, right? You can do some light stretches in your office chair. On your way, you know, back from work, you can, you know, talk to someone that actually helps you to feel calmer, someone who feels safe, someone who loves you. Um, all of these things can be just added into what's already happening in your day, and I like them to be because...When we ask people to completely step outside of their schedule, they're less likely to do the thing, right? And what we want is for you to have success in this healing journey, for you to feel like you are accomplishing the very first task of generational healing, which is that nervous system regulation. And all of those different practices throughout the day can be really helpful towards that goal.

   2. MRMel Robbins30:40

      So, what you're saying, Dr. Bouquet, is all those little micro-moments, those are acts of healing?

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué30:48

      100%.

   4. MRMel Robbins30:49

      How come?

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué30:50

      Well, because a lot of those moments are engaging a ventral vagal response in your nervous system, or they're helping by way of, you know, um, almost kind of like narrative reclaiming or narrative therapy, also helping your stress response to be regulated. So, any way you cut it, it's coming right back to the nervous system.

   6. MRMel Robbins31:17

      Wow. What daily micro-movement or nervous system tools, um, do you prescribe to your patients that I could try, that the person who's listening or watching could try?

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué31:31

      I love this. Um, my favorite, favorite movement is rocking.

   8. MRMel Robbins31:37

      Rocking?

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué31:38

      Rocking. Rocking actually initiates that calming response, that parasympathetic response within our nervous system-

   10. MRMel Robbins31:46

       Hmm.

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué31:47

       ... that engages our ventral vagal nerve, which is the then, the nerve within our, our cranial nerve, within our nervous system, that actually helps us to experience rest and restoration and calm and ease. So, when we rock, we actually engage that ventral vagal nerve-

   12. MRMel Robbins32:03

       Hmm.

   13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué32:04

       ... which is, is just a beautiful thing. I mean, if you think about it, for example, like when you're in a hammock rocking, right, or in a rocking chair, what's the effect that it gives you?

   14. MRMel Robbins32:14

       It's true, or a swing, or like-

   15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué32:16

       Yeah.

   16. MRMel Robbins32:16

       ... anything like that, right?

   17. MBDr. Mariel Buqué32:17

       It grounds you. Or even when you think about as a child, when you were in a caregiver's arms and they were rocking you to sleep-

   18. MRMel Robbins32:23

       Mm-hmm.

   19. MBDr. Mariel Buqué32:24

       ... the reason why you were able to get sleep is because you actually felt a sense of safety, because your ventral vagal response was being initiated.

   20. MRMel Robbins32:32

       Wow.

   21. MBDr. Mariel Buqué32:33

       So, rocking.

   22. MRMel Robbins32:34

       What's another one?

   23. MBDr. Mariel Buqué32:35

       Another one is humming.

   24. MRMel Robbins32:37

       Hmm.

   25. MBDr. Mariel Buqué32:37

       Humming is also a way to elicit that ventral vagal response. So, it actually helps a lot, you know, to be able to even pair the two. I like to hum and rock, and it's almost like you, you can even pick your favorite song. If you're doing it with a kid, with a child, it's very child-friendly as a practice, and so this can be a way in which a child can also like help themselves to soothe. If they're in the middle of the school day and something happens, they have the opportunity of just rocking a little bit, and even, you know, humming and allowing themselves to feel calmer. When, um, neurodivergent folks especially, especially folks who are, um, living with autism, uh, they have stimming behaviors. Like, the actual rocking is, is a part of what they naturally may do-

   26. MRMel Robbins33:26

       Hm.

   27. MBDr. Mariel Buqué33:26

       ... in order to self-soothe.

   28. MRMel Robbins33:28

       Huh.

   29. MBDr. Mariel Buqué33:28

       And so we're, in essence, borrowing from that also, and knowing that it's quite effective in calming down the nervous system, and we're utilizing it in order to initiate that calming response within us.

   30. MRMel Robbins33:42

       If you, uh, later today-
6. 35:58 – 40:10

   Why Your Family Gets Angry When You Start Healing

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué35:58

      through the family and imposing them upon you. And we can't expect your 70-year-old mother to heal at the same pace and in the same ways and heal to the extent that you have. It's unrealistic.We can look at micro moments when maybe she shows insight, maybe there's a bit of acknowledgment even if it's a tiny one-

   2. MRMel Robbins36:27

      Mm.

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué36:27

      ... and we celebrate those wins. And then we grieve the rest. Whatever could not be offered, we grieve and we let it go.

   4. MRMel Robbins36:38

      Um, I'm sorry. I was so taken with that, I don't even know what to ask you next.

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué36:42

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MRMel Robbins36:43

      I... 'Cause I do feel like there's a lot of guilt or expectations that we put on ourselves about how it should all go.

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué36:50

      Yeah.

   8. MRMel Robbins36:50

      And then you feel guilty that you're starting to separate and see things.

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué36:55

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins36:55

       Is that normal?

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué36:57

       Yeah, and I've seen it both ways. I've seen parents, adult parents of adult children-

   12. MRMel Robbins37:02

       Uh-huh.

   13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué37:04

       ... that feel a sense of guilt that they're not able to heal at the same pace as their adult children. They're not able to really find it in themselves to meet them where they are at, and that's also really unfair.

   14. MRMel Robbins37:17

       How do you deal with parents and siblings or relatives or your partner who dismisses or even mocks you-

   15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué37:28

       Mm-hmm.

   16. MRMel Robbins37:28

       ... for wanting to talk about your feelings, or for this attempt to try to heal yourself?

   17. MBDr. Mariel Buqué37:35

       Yeah, that's painful. Um, you really let them. Um... (laughs)

   18. MRMel Robbins37:40

       (laughs) You do?

   19. MBDr. Mariel Buqué37:46

       I mean, you cannot change a person's reaction. You can change your response. They're gonna react and mock because they're going to reflect their unhealed parts, and you, you cannot force them into validating you. It doesn't work that way. You just have to let them be who they are.

   20. MRMel Robbins38:12

       And then the let me part is standing inside yourself.

   21. MBDr. Mariel Buqué38:18

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins38:19

       And instead of allowing the trigger and the emotional wave-

   23. MBDr. Mariel Buqué38:23

       Mm-hmm.

   24. MRMel Robbins38:23

       ... to drive your reaction, hold onto that one second moment-

   25. MBDr. Mariel Buqué38:28

       Mm-hmm.

   26. MRMel Robbins38:29

       ... where you notice, and then choose what you're going to do when you see the wounded part of your parent or your sister or your brother or your boss show up.

   27. MBDr. Mariel Buqué38:41

       That's beautifully said. And allow yourself to let that reaction that you have be a reflection of your healed self, or your, or your more healed self. And then what surfaces, which is so beautiful, is pride. You have pride that overrides the shame that once existed, because you're able to see yourself, like, "Wow, I didn't respond to that in the ways that I used to."

   28. MRMel Robbins39:09

       How do you deal with a parent who just never had the tools, never had the resources or the support that you now have?

   29. MBDr. Mariel Buqué39:18

       Mm-hmm.

   30. MRMel Robbins39:19

       And they're difficult to deal with. They're doing what you say.
7. 40:10 – 42:26

   How to Stay Grounded Around Family That Triggers You

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué40:11

      Well, I work with my patients-

   2. MRMel Robbins40:14

      Hmm.

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué40:14

      ... right? I'm not working with their parents, and I'll tell you what I mean by that. So, I work with my patients to ensure that they're going into that family gathering with the same people, that are having the same conversations, and they're engaging in the same unhealthy family dynamics. Everything is the same, except you, my client. You are different. You now have that one second of reaction time. You now have an opportunity to not feed the cycle, and so you're disrupting the equilibrium of that dysfunction. So, more often than not, I'm working with the person in front of me to be able to exist in a healthy way within the environments that they're a part of, because that's most of what we have. Now, if there are other individuals in their family that are willing to come on board and work through those wounds, they're welcome, but only after we've worked on buying back that second.

   4. MRMel Robbins41:25

      How do you teach your clients to go into a family or relationship dynamic or a work dynamic that's exactly the same-

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué41:36

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MRMel Robbins41:37

      ... but you're different? Like, what are some of the tools walking into that family dynamic knowing that you're the one doing the healing- (laughs)

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué41:46

      Mm-hmm.

   8. MRMel Robbins41:47

      ... that people could only meet you as deeply as they've worked on themselves and looked at this for themselves?

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué41:54

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins41:55

       What are some of the tools that you provide your clients?

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué41:58

       The first thing that you would have to do is actually practice them when they're not around. The tools are made to be practiced, to build mastery around, for you to feel comfortable around the tools, and then to bring them around your family. So, that's first and foremost. However, you can take a deep breath at the dinner table. When people are saying things that are potentially triggering to you-You

8. 42:26 – 47:30

   Simple Tools for Surviving Family Gatherings

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué42:26

      can very subtly just take a breath and allow your nervous system to just restore itself rather than get into a trigger response.

   2. MRMel Robbins42:36

      Mm.

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué42:36

      So, these tools you can bring anywhere. However, it's critically important that you first do them in your own time, at your own pace, within your solitude and in the moments when you can really be gentle and honest with yourself about what you're feeling, and then bring them around the people that tend to trigger you most.

   4. MRMel Robbins42:59

      Well, that makes a lot of sense, 'cause you basically have told us the truth. You're walking into a dynamic with people that has been the same and is going to be the same, but you are now changed.

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué43:08

      Exactly.

   6. MRMel Robbins43:09

      And so before you are going to step into that, and leading up to it, just when you notice you're starting to feel emotionally flooded, when you notice you're getting... you just do whatever you need to do, take a deep breath to settle yourself and calm your nervous system. That's the work you can practice, right?

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué43:28

      Yes. And look around the table. Visualize everyone else's nervous systems, right? People are operating at their level of healing, and you will see different levels at one table.

   8. MRMel Robbins43:40

      Hm.

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué43:41

      All of this is information, it's data that you now have, that can actually help you to buy back that second. So we're... it's building blocks, right?

   10. MRMel Robbins43:51

       Yeah.

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué43:51

       We're building up to that. That's not the first step. That's what people want to do in the first session, "Let's bring my mother so that we can talk about all the ways that she hurt me," right? Yeah. And, you know, there's so many layers to this. There's so many things that we need to consider, and there's so many ways that we need to restructure your nervous system to really take in the experience of speaking to your mother. And we need to consider her nervous system, too-

   12. MRMel Robbins44:16

       Mm.

   13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué44:17

       ... because that matters too.

   14. MRMel Robbins44:19

       How much is compassion both for self and for the previous generations, particularly your parents?

   15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué44:31

       Mm-hmm.

   16. MRMel Robbins44:31

       How does compassion for their experiences and their lack of tools and resources and healing... how is that a part of it?

   17. MBDr. Mariel Buqué44:42

       It's so critical. It's so essential. You know, my sister says something to me very often these days. She'll look at my mother, we're both in our 40s, and she'll look at my mother and she'll say, "You know, I understand Mom now. I get it." Um, there were so many ways in which we would appraise what my mother would say or do as toxic and just, you know, cut her off or, you know, not wanna really kind of engage her in conversation. And now we see in, in like almost like 4K, right, like what her experiences have been-

   18. MRMel Robbins45:21

       Hm.

   19. MBDr. Mariel Buqué45:21

       ... what it feels like inside to be a person living that reality. And now we have greater compassion for the person that she was and the person that she is now.

   20. MRMel Robbins45:32

       Hm.

   21. MBDr. Mariel Buqué45:32

       And that's the type of humanity that I want to embed into this work. It's for us to have mutual understanding of each other. And when I look at people like my parents, for example, I look at them with tender eyes, with an understanding that they failed in many ways and they did the best they can, the best they could, the best they can because they're still alive. Um, and I really do think that there is space to be able to hold both truths.

   22. MRMel Robbins46:01

       Yeah.

   23. MBDr. Mariel Buqué46:02

       Someone could have not healed because they didn't have the tools or the motivation. And, you know, there is a space to really allow that to be true-

   24. MRMel Robbins46:13

       Yeah.

   25. MBDr. Mariel Buqué46:13

       ... and, and for us to still, you know, kind of be in community and in connection with the people in our lives.

   26. MRMel Robbins46:19

       I love the story that you write about in chapter two.

   27. MBDr. Mariel Buqué46:23

       Hm.

   28. MRMel Robbins46:24

       And it's the moment where you were in your first semester of your doctoral studies and you were facing, as you put it, the worst imposter syndrome of your life being a Black Latina immigrant from a working class background in an Ivy League institution, and how you were constantly faced with reminders of how much you didn't belong. Can you share a little bit about that story and use it as a way to illustrate kind of that first step?

   29. MBDr. Mariel Buqué46:58

       Yeah. You know, that was, like, a moment in my life when I was really confronted with how different I was, right? Coming from a background where my life looks so different. I, you know, come from Dominican Republic, and then I lived in Newark, New Jersey, a very, you know, economically impoverished, um, part of the US. And so all of that was a part of my initial formation. Um, and I come into this very elite Ivy League institution,

9. 47:30 – 53:12

   Imposter Syndrome: Causes, Signs, and How to Overcome It

   1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué47:30

      um, you know, working with so many people that just were so different than me. And a lot of those people were also, you know, I think not super aware of their impact-

   2. MRMel Robbins47:42

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué47:42

      ... and of the ways in which, um, their statements around my background were harmful and hurtful and alienating. And so it was a moment in my life when I was really able to see, "Wow, um, I'm seen as someone that's different and potentially even not up to par for some folks," right? So it was really, really hurtful to experience that. And I remember wanting to quit. I remember not wanting to continue because I felt like, "How could I exist in this space for six years and survive," right? "Emotionally, I don't think I can do it. This feels traumatic for me."

   4. MRMel Robbins48:20

      Hm.

   5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué48:21

      Um, in that moment, I spoke to my mother. And like I mentioned, my mother comes with many flaws.... and quite frankly, I wasn't really expecting my mother to offer this beautiful wisdom that she offered me. But, uh, she mentioned that, you know, I come from a long line of strong people, of people that persevered, and that I should get back in there and just give it my best. That I had it in me, I had all of this wisdom and strength that was passed down our lineage, and that that would get me through. And that just, it snapped me out of that imposter syndrome. I was like, "I do belong, and I-"

   6. MRMel Robbins49:02

      I love this, because you talk about this thing, and we're gonna pair this with intergenerational trauma.

   7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué49:08

      Mm-hmm.

   8. MRMel Robbins49:08

      And so, I'm reading from page 28 of your best-selling book, Break the Cycle. This is in a section called Your Intergenerational Higher Self. "I now know that imposter syndrome is not my truth, but an inheritance from generations of being marginalized. It's a way in which I and many others in my communities have been isolated, shut out, and made to feel like we don't belong."

   9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué49:35

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins49:36

       "But we do belong, and I stepped wholeheartedly into that truth. My intergenerational higher self grew out of this moment." And you went on to write that, "Your ancestors' cumulative intentions, wishes, and wisdom are also layered on top of your own-"

   11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué49:59

       Mm-hmm.

   12. MRMel Robbins49:59

       "... to contribute to your intergenerational higher self. When you're attuned to your intergenerational higher self, you're in a place that is loving, nurturing, ancestrally wise and intuitive. It is sacred in that way. When you tap into this generational elevation, you are able to experience greater calm, trust in yourself, curiosity, and self-awareness." I wanna reflect something back to you, 'cause I think this is so beautiful.

   13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué50:29

       Mm-hmm.

   14. MRMel Robbins50:30

       It is so easy to look back at our parents and our grandparents and focus on what we were not given.

   15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué50:37

       Mm-hmm.

   16. MRMel Robbins50:38

       To focus on the things that we wish would've happened, to focus on the things that were wrong-

   17. MBDr. Mariel Buqué50:43

       Mm-hmm.

   18. MRMel Robbins50:44

       ... that you would do differently, that you didn't deserve. I often think we don't look enough at the things that you inherited that are really powerful. And- and as I was reading that, I was reflecting on the fact that, uh, I come from a long line of very hardworking-

   19. MBDr. Mariel Buqué51:05

       Mm-hmm.

   20. MRMel Robbins51:06

       ... women.

   21. MBDr. Mariel Buqué51:06

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins51:06

       They were the breadwinners. They were the money counters. I can picture my grandmother sitting in her housecoat at the end of running the farm stand in this big cattle farm, and folding out the dollar bills, and tapping on the calendar, and balancing, you know, the daily thing. I think about my mom, who had her own store, and she would sit at her desk just like my grandmother did and balance her checkbook and look at the bank deposits from this little retail store that she ... Like, and so I think about the inheritance-

   23. MBDr. Mariel Buqué51:38

       Mm-hmm.

   24. MRMel Robbins51:39

       ... of that strength and fortitude.

   25. MBDr. Mariel Buqué51:41

       Mm-hmm.

   26. MRMel Robbins51:42

       And it's a beautiful thing that you're pulling in for us, that as we look at the traumatic experiences and the wounds-

   27. MBDr. Mariel Buqué51:51

       Mm-hmm.

   28. MRMel Robbins51:52

       ... let's also pull in this intergenerational higher self.

   29. MBDr. Mariel Buqué51:55

       Yes, 100%. I mean, we can't lose sight of the fact that we are inheriting more than just pain. We're also inheriting strength, resilience. We're inheriting words of affirmation that were spoken to us. We're-

   30. MRMel Robbins52:09

       Dreams.
10. 53:12 – 59:03

    Family Estrangement: When No Contact Is Healthy vs Avoidance

    1. MRMel Robbins53:12

       that there's valid reasons-

    2. MBDr. Mariel Buqué53:14

       Mm-hmm.

    3. MRMel Robbins53:14

       ... to not have a relationship, and they're usually in very, very extreme-

    4. MBDr. Mariel Buqué53:18

       Mm-hmm.

    5. MRMel Robbins53:18

       ... dangerous reasons that-

    6. MBDr. Mariel Buqué53:20

       Yeah, abuse. Abuse is-

    7. MRMel Robbins53:22

       Abuse.

    8. MBDr. Mariel Buqué53:22

       ... a big one, yeah.

    9. MRMel Robbins53:22

       Yeah.

    10. MBDr. Mariel Buqué53:22

        Child abuse is, is a really big one, you know, for, for parents who abuse their children for years at times, you know? Sometimes, uh, feels really unforgivable for-

    11. MRMel Robbins53:32

        Mm-hmm.

    12. MBDr. Mariel Buqué53:32

        ... their adult children.

    13. MRMel Robbins53:32

        Yeah, um, but it feels like we're in this moment in time where people are sliding into estrangement.

    14. MBDr. Mariel Buqué53:41

        Mm-hmm.

    15. MRMel Robbins53:42

        Because as you become more aware of the things that you need to work on for yourself, it feels as though there's less, uh, there's less compassion and understanding for the context in which some of the things that impacted you-

    16. MBDr. Mariel Buqué53:58

        Mm-hmm.

    17. MRMel Robbins53:59

        ... in your childhood, not in the category of abuse-

    18. MBDr. Mariel Buqué54:03

        Mm-hmm.

    19. MRMel Robbins54:05

        ... there's a la-, there's an inability to step into somebody else's shoes-

    20. MBDr. Mariel Buqué54:10

        Mm-hmm.

    21. MRMel Robbins54:10

        ... and really consider what you're talking about. That if you're dealing with somebody who appears toxic, or annoying, or nagging, or won't look in the mirror, or always plays the victim, that's a difficult person to be around.

    22. MBDr. Mariel Buqué54:22

        Mm-hmm.

    23. MRMel Robbins54:23

        And if I really hear what you're teaching us, if you're the true generational-... chain-breaker-

    24. MBDr. Mariel Buqué54:32

        Mm-hmm.

    25. MRMel Robbins54:32

        ... and you're the one that's healing the wounds, you're dealing with somebody who still has a lot of wounds.

    26. MBDr. Mariel Buqué54:39

        Mm-hmm.

    27. MRMel Robbins54:40

        And that there's an importance in truly seeing the reality of the person that you're dealing with.

    28. MBDr. Mariel Buqué54:48

        100%. You know, the thing about, um, family estrangement, as, as I see it right now, the, the era that we're in is that we, we kind of have taken off with boundaries in a way that feels potentially a bit on the excessive end, because it doesn't... You know, if someone, um, is not really kind of on our level of healing, or if we can't connect with them, or if they can't validate us, um, we may erect walls, right? And just protect ourselves. It's important that we protect ourselves.

    29. MRMel Robbins55:20

        Mm-hmm.

    30. MBDr. Mariel Buqué55:21

        But that protection, at times, just needs to be there temporarily while we sort ourselves out in order to have deeper conversations. Um, right now, we're undergoing a loneliness epidemic, right? And we're distancing ourselves more and more from people, rather than equipping ourselves with the tools to bridge connections. And I think that that's happening also between generations, right? Um, it, it's really essential that we figure out ways to have conversations about the things that pain us.
11. 59:03 – 1:12:43

    The Emotional Skills Every Parent Should Teach Their Kids

    1. MBDr. Mariel Buqué59:03

       engage in. Also, the language of repair, "I'm sorry," apologizing to kids, that's so essential. We weren't necessarily taught that kids even have a voice in-

    2. MRMel Robbins59:16

       Mm.

    3. MBDr. Mariel Buqué59:16

       ... our generations, right? And so, to be able to give voice to a child's needs, to their thoughts about a situation, and to offer them an opportunity to see us mess up and repair is transformative. And that also is emotional literacy, because there are gonna be the kinds of adults that will say, "You know what? I messed up. I'd like to apologize." And they will have healthier interactions with-

    4. MRMel Robbins59:45

       Mm.

    5. MBDr. Mariel Buqué59:45

       ... others as a result.

    6. MRMel Robbins59:47

       Dr. Bouquet, what are the most common ways that parents accidentally invalidate their kids' emotions without even realizing it?

    7. MBDr. Mariel Buqué59:55

       (laughs) "Don't cry. Everything's gonna be okay." That's big. And it's, it's so well-intentioned most times, right? Sometimes parents, you know, what they mean is, you know, "I'm here. I care for you. I, you know, I, I don't wanna see you cry because it hurts me."

    8. MRMel Robbins1:00:13

       Hm.

    9. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:00:13

       But it can actually send an invalidating message. Um, so words are really powerful. So it, I, I, I really urge parents to just be mindful of the words that you speak and how they can land. Because, "Don't cry, everything..." You know-... happens for a reason, you're not, you know, you're okay when they're really not okay. All of those things can really kind of disregard how a child is feeling, and actually train them to emotionally suppress. Instead, what we want is to open up the dialogue and say, "How are you feeling about this moment right now? How can I be helpful to you? Help me understand." These are very open-ended, right?

    10. MRMel Robbins1:00:57

        Mm. Mm. Oh, I love that. Three things you could say, "How are you feeling right now? How can I help you? Help me understand."

    11. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:01:03

        Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

    12. MRMel Robbins1:01:04

        Oh, I love that.

    13. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:01:07

        Yeah.

    14. MRMel Robbins1:01:07

        Dr. Bouquet, speak directly to the person who's with us. If they take just one action, out of everything that you taught us today, what do you think the most important thing to do is?

    15. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:01:22

        The most critical thing will be to choose the journey, right? You have to choose it every day. Every day, you have to make a choice. "I'm gonna stick this out until I feel different."

    16. MRMel Robbins1:01:39

        Mm.

    17. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:01:40

        And that means that you're gonna bring yourself back. Even if you backtrack, you're gonna bring yourself back, you're gonna help yourself recalibrate. So it's the choosing, really. It's the daily choice to break the cycle.

    18. MRMel Robbins1:01:54

        Dr. Bouquet, what are your parting words?

    19. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:01:56

        Hm. Every day presents an opportunity for us to break the cycle and shift the emotional legacy of our family line.

    20. MRMel Robbins1:02:08

        Mm.

    21. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:02:08

        And all we have to do is take that opportunity. And I hope that, for anyone who's listening, that you would be willing to carry that beautiful legacy of being the cycle breaker in your family.

    22. MRMel Robbins1:02:22

        Here's one of the things that I've learned just from this conversation, um, because the last three years, I have been doing so much work to try to put my nervous system into a calmer, more present and grounded state, and it has changed the way that I feel in my day-to-day life, it has changed me as a parent, it's changed profoundly my relationships with my two adult daughters. I feel like I am in a second marriage with my husband of 30 years because I am different, and by settling my nervous system, I can see how even dynamics and relationships, whether it's at work or it's in my family or friends or, you know, as a mom to two adult daughters, that just settling myself and learning how to do that has had a profound impact, positively, in the dynamics that used to feel very dysfunctional or full of tension. But one of the biggest things that I got out of this was how powerful it is to really look at the process of healing through an intergenerational lens, and working hard to bring in a level of compassion for yourself, for your parents and grandparents and great-grandparents, who you are bringing along as you heal, and as you said, as you pass it forward, compassion for your kids as they're meeting the new you too and there are parts of them that are wounded because you only started the (laughs) healing now. Like, I have to constantly look at the behavior of my daughters that then trigger me and go, "Oh, I did that, okay. Um, let me apologize. Oh, I'm seeing the wounded part of you." And the thing that I have had to confront that I don't feel we talk about enough is that, in the process of healing your own nervous system, Dr. Bouquet, I have had to look in the mirror and recognize how judgmental I have been of my parents, how judgmental I have been of my husband, how judgmental I have been of other people, because I've made it their fault for triggering me.

    23. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:04:56

        (laughs) Wow.

    24. MRMel Robbins1:04:57

        You see what I'm saying?

    25. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:04:58

        Mm-hmm.

    26. MRMel Robbins1:04:59

        And that if I wanna be calmer, they need to change. Versus recognizing that the power is, and always has been, in changing your nervous system, and changing your response to situations in life and your response to other people, that the healing truly starts here, and I think I delayed my own healing because I was a person who blamed other people for making me feel a certain way.

    27. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:05:31

        Wow.

    28. MRMel Robbins1:05:31

        Does that make sense?

    29. MBDr. Mariel Buqué1:05:32

        Absolutely. And what a gift it is for your family to be able to experience a version of you that is willing to take accountability, that is willing to look deep within, into the scary parts of yourself-

    30. MRMel Robbins1:05:46

        Mm-hmm.

Episode duration: 1:12:53