EVERY SPOKEN WORD
150 min read · 30,202 words- 0:00 – 2:59
Intro
- ASAdam Lane Smith
If you get out of a bad relationship, you should learn evolutionary psychology, about what women actually biologically want from you and about attachment. You should learn those things. Red Pill is, right now, the only place where men can speak these old truths that fathers would have said to their sons, like, "Well, son, let me tell you about women." Red Pill is the only area men can go to hear that now, 'cause we don't have relationships with our fathers or grandfathers or uncles anymore. We don't have male-only spaces. Red Pill is the only area where they can do that. (air whooshing)
- CWChris Williamson
You've been everywhere these last few months.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
I have, man. My feet are getting tired from running across the internet so much.
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah. It's serious. You were on Mikayla's show, and that one crushed it as well.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Oh, man. That one was fun. That one was good too. I, I launched from you onto Mikayla, and I started doing all kinds of other stuff with people, and I started a YouTube channel. I don't even know where I am half the time now.
- CWChris Williamson
That's unreal. So the last episode we did was based off a huge tweet thread you had about harsh psychology truths. And I've just scraped a bunch of other ones that I want to go through today.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
What is it... What is it that you're drawing on when you pull out the tweets that you put into that thread? Is it professional experience? Is it just stuff that you observe in social interactions? Where are they coming from?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
A lot of it's a blend. So I've done a lot of study. I'm specifically a behaviorist myself, with some cognitive pieces. A behaviorist. I focus on the organism, and the organism is always right, according to B. F. Skinner. So if we have a behavior that we're doing, there's a purpose to it. What we have to do is figure out what that purpose is. What is that behavior doing for us? That's what a lot of my tweets are based on, is, "What could this behavior be adapting to, and why was the organism right when they did it?" A lot of people get really mad when they hear that and they realize what their behavior might be doing and what they might be solving with those things. Man, I've had some mad people. I've even had some politicians from other nations jumping in on that tweet thread, talking about how I'm a dangerous lunatic. But you know what? It's helping a lot of people too.
- CWChris Williamson
You're a dangerous-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
But, uh, it, it pulls from ... What's that?
- CWChris Williamson
... dangerous lunatic that was a psychotherapist for how many years?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah. (laughs) Oh, a few. But yeah. I mean, there's a lot of bad therapists. I can't blame them for that, but (laughs) it ... No, it is what it is. I pull from my, uh, that research that I've done, I pull from a lot of practical experience. I treated, uh, I treated inmates up for the death penalty. I treated people, multiple murderers, people with mutilated children, um, plus just people who were in for, ch- like, some political crimes and stuff like that too. You'd be amazed who's, who's in the jail system. I, I've treated families, in-home treatment for people disabled with mental illness. I've treated... Man, I've treated millionaire entrepreneurs. I've treated, uh, homeless people, people addicted to every substance or activity that you can imagine. I've got a lot of experience. So when I'm writing these tweets, it's pulled from research that I've done and experiences that I've had. Are they every, a- every single one of them 100% right in every circumstance, with no exceptions? No. That's not how the internet works. But you know what? I stand by what I write.
- CWChris Williamson
Nice. Let's get into it, man. So the first
- 2:59 – 7:07
Why You Should Choose Your Partner Carefully
- CWChris Williamson
one, "You're not unlovable, you just don't believe you deserve love and commitment, and you pick partners who treat you the way you expect to be treated." What's that mean?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Hmm. This is the, this is at the core of attachment, and that's one of the biggest pieces of, of work that I do now. When we are kids, our brain learns from our parents specifically if we deserve their love and their attention. Mother and father, biological. It doesn't matter who else is in the picture. If the dad is gone, our brain says, "I didn't deserve his love or he'd be here with me right now." If the parents are there, but they're neglecting you, they're abusing you, the brain, just as a little kid, says, "I deserve whatever is happening. I'm causing this. Everyone's responding to me in some way. There must be something wrong with me inside. Everybody else can see that I can't see, and I gotta act accordingly." So you go out in the world with this belief that you are operating in a deficit with everybody else. So you have to find people who need help so you can help them and earn love from them by doing the right things. Healthy people will see that behavior, and they'll see your insecurities and they'll, they'll kind of back off a little bit. They might try to help a little bit, but they'll back off, 'cause they don't wanna form a, a deep bond with you. 'Cause it, it's, it's almost impossible to build a lasting, stable relationship with someone like that, because the other person's never gonna be honest with you or open up to you about what they need. I- it's gonna fracture. This is where the majority of divorces come from, is this attachment issue. So healthy people will back off, but unhealthy people will say, "Yeah, come meet my needs," and, and you'll mash up that way. So then you form a, a self-perpetuating cycle of, "Everybody treats me like crap. I must deserve to be treated like crap. Oh wait, this new person makes me feel really good 'cause I can earn their love by fixing their problems and, and making them a star," or whatever it is. And you just keep going and going and going, and then you build a constant bias. And you look back over your life, and s- when someone like me comes along and says, "No, that's not right. That, that's not healthy behavior. There's an alternative," they say, "No, there's not. I've been doing this for 35 years and everybody has treated me like crap. Everybody." That's the system.
- CWChris Williamson
Do people tend to like the opportunity to get love that's contingent? It sounds there like it's, "I, I feel like I am loved because..." or, "I feel like I am worthy because I have the ability to fix this person, the ability to help this person."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
That is the only thing that they understand. They don't understand that there is unconditional love for them, because they do not believe it's possible, because it did not come from the two people on Earth who should have loved them unconditionally. One or both of those people, their parents, didn't give them that, what they need. So nobody else on Earth is gonna treat you better than your parents. That's the assumption of the brain. And then they just go out in life and they become adults and they never question the immutable laws that they came to believe when they were kids. It just never comes up. They never stop and think, "Why do I think I don't deserve love?" It's, "Gravity pulls things down, and I'm an unlovable piece of crap." That's just how it goes.
- CWChris Williamson
How much or how effective is it? Let's say that the father is out of the picture and the mother remarries very quickly.How, uh, supplantable is the biological father with another father figure?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
It's not. He's not. I've seen that- I've seen that many, many times. What has to happen is it must be verbally addressed, you have to take the child aside and help them understand attachment. When someone understands attachment and what's happening, they can start to question those ideas and they can, they can come to some understanding, a new understanding, and heal it. You can heal the child. But that biological father is not replaceable and it won't just magically... You can't just pop one dad in and pop another dad out. You can't just do that. It doesn't work that way because the brain knows somewhere out there is a biological father who is not with that child, and there's a reason he's not with that child. And if he loved the child enough, he would be there. And the brain keeps repeating that over and over and over, no matter how much the stepdad is wonderful and, and loving and caring. You can address it, like I said, and fix it. Takes some time, but it's hard.
- CWChris Williamson
All right, next one. I fucking love this one.
- 7:07 – 22:45
The Truth About Red Pill Gurus
- CWChris Williamson
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
"Too many red pill alpha guru types take advantage of attachment issues to score cash from wounded men and encourage them to embrace their attachment wounds even further. It turns into a cult of people convinced their wounds are sca- uh, are sacred truths."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs) Man, I catch a lot of flak because people come in at me and say, "That's not what red pill is about." And, and they're right. It's not. Red pill is supposed to be evolutionary psychology applied to relationships so that you can be healthy and love each other, love your wife, love your, love your husband based on biological imperatives within men and women. That's what it's supposed to be. In effect (laughs) , when you become a red pill guru, to make money off of these people, you say, "No, dude. You're right. Women are scum. They'll never really love you. They are just there for the things you do for them. So you should just make them do good things for you and take advantage of those insecure women, have sex with them on the first date and never call them again, because screw them." That's what they're teaching, and those guys come in believing there's nothing better, and they hear that message and say, "Wow, they feel like I feel, but they're turning it around. I'm not the piece of crap. Everybody else is the piece of crap, so it's okay. The- I- they owe me. They owe me this." So they go out and start using that, and all that does is create a whole society of damaged, hurt women who go back and act exactly the same (laughs) , and those nice guys get hurt and then start looking for the red pill community and say, "Man, all these terrible things have happened." It's a self-perpetuating cycle between men and women, and that's all it is. You don't stop it until you fix the actual problems, which is not what red pill gurus do to make money.
- CWChris Williamson
Well, the equivalents-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
They're there to make money also.
- CWChris Williamson
... the equivalent on the female side is radical feminism, right?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah, correct.
- CWChris Williamson
It's not as if, it's not as if red pill is the only route to this. There is a, an equal polarity on the other side of the fence, which is... Man, I've, I've gone onto some of the Reddit threads. I can't remember what they're called. It's not women's rights. It's not r/WomensRights, but it's one of those. It might be the female red pill or something like, or the pink pill or some shit. And, um-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
... you go on there and you think, "This is, this is just as bad as what you see-"
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yep.
- CWChris Williamson
"... in some of the meninism, manosphere spaces."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
It is. It is. And, and you know what? It doesn't have to be. In my areas, I mean, I'm, I'm in touch with all kinds of, like, masculinity coaches and all the, like, cringeworthy names (laughs) that you would have. And some of them are the best men you would ever meet who actually pull men up out of this and say, "No, dude. Fix your behavior. You're finding bad women because you are a bad man." (laughs) And they f- and they make the men fix themselves. Women, there are some women doing the same thing on their side, trying to fix it. Until you have that fixed between the balance of the sexes and get back to our biological imperatives and, and understand what they mean and, and fix them, and fix the attachment, none of them's gonna get better, but yeah, man. There's, there are grifters on both sides, and they are happy to take advantage of those attachment issues. They will take all your money all day long and tell you that what you're feeling is normal and that you should embrace it and get worse so you can pay them more.
- CWChris Williamson
Man, I can see the allure of it, you know. There's, the, the, in my less gracious moments when I felt jilted or insulted or not wanted-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
... or whatever, I can see those areas of me that would become seduced by that sort of talking point. You know, you have this hurt man who feels like the world has done him wrong, and it's much easier to create a conspiracy around an entire gender that this is women at large, as opposed to maybe you just chose a shitty one, man. Or maybe, maybe you just rolled a bad hand. Maybe it was unfortunate luck or poor timing or maybe the, the particular combination of circumstances, a little bit of you and a lot of them, or a lot of them and a lit- whatever, uh, that that caused a bad situation to come out of it. And for some reason, it's more comforting to believe that this is a, uh, a pandemic at large-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
... that only affects one-half of the population.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
It's, you know, and, and both sides say it. Both sides. Feminists say every man is a potential rapist, and, and men say every woman is a potential divorce rapist. "She'll take all your money." We... Both sides do it, and there's a lot of money in it. There's a lot of political power in it. Both political parties (laughs) are deeply invested in these mo- in these things. Man, whole nations are turning on these ideas. It's not just the internet. It's, it's the world right now.
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah, there's, um... Meme culture is so fucking smart, man. I'm sure that you'll have seen this one. It's these two dudes, these two, um, black illustrations of guys with beards, and it says-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
... "A woman hurt me and I never made up about it. Uh, we should call ourselves alpha males." And then-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
... they just walk away. And you think, "Fuck, man." Like, the, the main problem that I have with the red pill space is that almost none of the guys that are in that space look to me like the alpha males that I would want to follow.None of them embody-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Great.
- CWChris Williamson
... the sort of actual, genuine integrity, trustworthiness, honor, um, sensitivity, uh, genuine masculinity. None of the guys embody that. It's just-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Right.
- CWChris Williamson
I don't know. It's the equivalent of a girl replacing beauty with a boob job and lip fillers, you know?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yes.
- 22:45 – 30:42
Should Kids Move Out at 18?
- CWChris Williamson
one. Next one.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
This is... Dude, this tweet of yours went fucking berserk.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
"Reminder that your kids should leave home at 18 is a psy-op by the central banks to make 10 extended family members pay 10 rents, mortgages, 10 sets of utilities, 10 car payments, and 10 of every item needed for a home, plus entertainment and stress relief to cope with being alone." What's this all about?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs) Man, people lost it at this. Um, people aren't meant to live alone. We're not meant to, uh, have a, a studio apartment where we never see our family. COVID has made that clear, I hope, to most people, that we're not meant to live completely isolated from everybody else. Um, does that mean you have to live in a one-room shack with 50 family members? Well, no. There's a balance point-
- CWChris Williamson
(laughs)
- ASAdam Lane Smith
... and everybody, every family has a balance point. But making it the culturally understood norm that every single family is gonna split off into a nuclear family and the kids will instantly leave at 18, that you should throw them out or they have failed and you have failed as a parent, making that the system? Man, look at our society right now. What would our society look like, assuming healthy attachment, if we fixed all of the attachment problems and so families could honestly, lovingly communicate, meet each other's needs, and weren't a bunch of cold, brutal jerks to each other? I'm looking at the boomer generation. If, if families actually loved each other and cared about each other and did what was right for each other instead of just for themselves-Imagine living in a big collective group in a big house, like 40 acres. Maybe two or three houses, living all together in a small family village, basically. Yeah, you could even have your own space. You could even build five houses on one property and you have five nuclear families all within spitting distance of each other. So when you, as a grow- as a new parent, are exhausted, you can just call your mom over and she's like, "Oh, yeah, okay." She wants 50P-
- CWChris Williamson
Or sister or auntie or grandmother.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
... or sister or auntie or grandmother. Uh, look at kids, man. If you, if, if your dad dies and you don't have a dad to raise you, your dad, you... Let's say you have a scumbag dad and he leaves, you have like five uncles and a grandfather right
- CWChris Williamson
There's five other surrogate fathers there, all of whom are actually genetically invested.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
And all of them, if they have good attachment, can come to you and say, "All right, man. Let's talk about your dad and let's talk about why his choice is not your fault." And they fix that attachment with you, and you grow up knowing how to be a man and how to love women and care for women. And they are, and, and they're your red pill group. They say, "Let me tell you about women and how to have a good, loving, healthy marriage that fulfills you and your wife at the same time so you can raise good, healthy children." Man, that, that was normal, normal 100 years ago. Everything I'm talking about was normal 100 years ago. Let's go back 150 years ago, I'm here in the United States, Civil War era. Man, families lived either together or they split off in tiny nuclear families on adjacent farms. Fam- people didn't even travel more than like 20 miles from their home in their entire life, most people. They stayed close for a reason. Family businesses, family jobs. You didn't take on debt. About 100 years ago, the central banks really took over really hard. We had a lot of changes, and all of a sudden it became a debt system. And we look at the 1920s, we look at the rise of credit, the credit system, we look at the rise of basically sanctioned gambling w- with the stock market. And the 1920s nosedived hard and they said, "Yeah, that's a, that's a problem. Let's just keep doing the same system, but take even more control and do it even more." The, the families and, and attachments broke and broke and broke and broke until it became, in the 1960s and '70s, "Screw the old people. They don't know, uh, what's right for you. You should take all the money for yourself and get out from under their thumbs so you can have sex in your car at Walmart with..." Uh, not Walmart, it was a diner back then. "You could have sex on the, on the cliff at Makeout Point with your girlfriend, and you could do all the cool stuff. Screw the old people, they just don't want you to be happy." And that's, that messaging hit and hit and hit and hit and hit everywhere in every part of our culture not by accident. Man, you look at all the things that they've done over the last, even the last 50 years, it's horrible. And it's, it's really beneficial for the people who profit off of it. It's really beneficial to ha- kick your kid out at 18, have them be miserable, put them on antidepressants, have them get fat and miserable 'cause they're coping with sugary foods. Put them on more medications, blood pressure medications at 30, put them on insulin, put them on everything, put them in front of a TV screen 'cause they have no friends so they just stream and stream and stream. They'll pay for all of your services, they'll pay for endless exc- escapist entertainment, and they'll just sit there pumping cash into the system over and over and over until they die. That's the system right now. That's why we have a suicide epidemic, that's why we have overdose epidemics, the drug epidemics. Did you know, I, I was reading the news the other day, heroin addicts here in America are getting pretty nostalgic for actual heroin because fentanyl is covering the market so hard, and it's so hard to find good old-fashioned heroin that isn't gonna kill you as much (laughs) as fast.
- CWChris Williamson
Fuck. There's going to be like a vintage hipster culture for heroin.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Heroin classic. It's like Coke Classic.
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah. Coke Classic, yeah, the old school one.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
You know, comes with a needle.
- CWChris Williamson
Fuck, man.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
'Cause we all love needles nowadays, so.
- CWChris Williamson
I, um, I, I, I think I messaged you about this a while ago before you did that tweet saying how strange it is that we don't have pan-generational houses anymore, you know, the, that you have like a co- like a commune or whatever. And, you know, I've got a lot of wanderlust. I'm out here in Austin at the moment in Texas from the UK because I like to go to different places. But if you had a hub, if you had a large family center, that doesn't mean that individual people can't go off and live their own life.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Correct.
- CWChris Williamson
But it creates a h- a home base that's significantly more stable than just, "Oh, well, that's mom and dad's house. I go back at Thanksgiving or Christmas each year."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Correct. Here in the United States, it's even worse than that. You, you buy a house, you raise kids. The moment they're out of the house, you sell the house and you move into a, uh, a one-bedroom apartment with your spouse.
- CWChris Williamson
You then downsize again, yeah.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Then you don't even have a family house anymore. That old song, You Can't Go Home, well, you really can't go home in America 'cause they've torn down your house or someone else is li-
- CWChris Williamson
She's sleeping on the fucking couch.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
... is living, or someone else is living there shooting up heroin, old classic heroin.
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah, old school heroin. Right, next one. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a recipe for five divorces. What do you think... What, what do people mean when they say, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Typically it's women who say it, and typically what it means is, "I don't respect you." It means, "I love you like I would love a helpless child, but I don't respect you as an actual man because you're not a strong provider, you have no honor, and you have no staying power with any of your words, so I can't trust you, so I don't feel romantic love towards you." That's really what that's code for. So if your wife ever says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," it means, "You are not a high-quality man and I don't trust you." That's what that means, point blank. Um, saying it means she and he both don't understand what's actually going on because we don't say, "You know, I want to love you and be in this marriage, but I just don't respect you and that's making it hard." So if he is a man who can't engender respect from women and if she doesn't know how to phrase it that way, yeah, that's five, that's five divorces right there before you actually learn what's wrong.
- CWChris Williamson
And this is a man who's not sticking to his word, who's untrustworthy, lack of integrity, lack of honor.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Man, attachment does that, because you have to play everybody else's game and make everybody else ni- happy. Which means you have to be the perfect nice guy, which means you have to be a cardboard cutout with no opinions, no values, no co- no honor, no nothing. All of that would get in the way of making everybody else like you. So you gotta have nothing, and it's impossible for a woman to respect a man like that. Which means she's gonna have zero sex drive, at least after the initial opening phase of the relationship to attract you. Her, her sex drive is gonna nose dive, and she's gonna hit you with, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and I'm in love with this other dude over here."
- 30:42 – 39:39
Chemical Differences Between Genders During Sex
- CWChris Williamson
Next one.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
During sex, men and women bond differently. Women experience a surge of oxytocin during orgasm which binds them to their partner, but research indicates men don't experience the same bonding response. Men have far much more vasopressin receptors than women, and they don't appear to experience as many large oxytocin events, like female orgasm, vaginal birth, breastfeeding. Men may bond more through vasopressin. What's all this?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Vasopressin is an older hormone that predates oxytocin in the human species, in the mammal species. Oxytocin joined into the mammal species, um, our oxytocin receptors seem to have formed when mammals began to lactate. Lactation is oxytocin in a big way. Um, it allowed women to give vaginal birth and experience a flood of oxytocin, which is why wom- a lot of women w- um, who plan to adopt their baby out at birth instantly can't because now they're in love with the baby. They've got a flood of oxytocin through vaginal birth. And the first time they breastfeed, every time they breastfeed, they get a flood of oxytocin, the baby gets a flood of oxytocin. The wife, uh, the woman also experiences a flood of oxytocin during orgasm, she gets oxytocin when holding hands, when talking, when cuddling, uh, sharing feelings. Oxytocin flood. Men don't really get that. (laughs) We do have some oxytocin, but men seem to have a lot more vasopressin, which is stress. It's you and me, we, we hate each other's guts, but we have to feed our families, so we go out together and we hunt a mammoth and kill it, and, and we realize we can rely on each other, and now we are bonded for life. All of a sudden we're best friends because we killed a mammoth. It's two dudes being mad at each other and beating the crap out of each other, and then at the end of it, the other one dude offers his hand, picks the other guy up th- off of the ground, they shake hands, and they are best friends for the rest of their life. That is vasopressin. It's bonding through stress, and it, it happens. And we men, we bond better through stress, which is why when a baby is born, a newborn baby, the fathers don't usually bond with a newborn baby right away. They love the baby, but they don't feel close to the baby until they can start teaching their child things. A little bit of stress and applying a solution, solving a problem together bonds them with that child and bonds the child to them. So men, during sex, we experience vasopressin when we are solving a problem together. So if a woman is really vocal about how to give her an orgasm and says, "Here's what we're gonna do." And he says, "Yeah, let's do that." He will do it, and he will feel really bonded to her because they achieved her orgasm together. If he sets out and he's like, "All right, tonight we're doing 100 orgasms." And she says, "I don't want 100 orgasms." What he hears is, "I don't wanna solve problems with you." And so he goes, "Oh, you don't want any, really?" "Well, I don't want none." But, a- and it goes back and forth. A lot of women think they're giving a burden to the man when they say, "Hey, I need this to orgasm." Or, "Hey, more of this, less of this, do this." They think they're gonna be a burden. Really, men love it, and I'm sure you can attest, men love it when a woman's vocal and engaged and giving feedback and telling you, "Hey, do this. Hey, don't do that. Hey, more of this." And it's like, "Yeah!" And the vasopressin floods, so he gets vasopressin. At the end, when he orgasms, it's a culmination of all of that, and so he gets a vasopressin flood. Doesn't work if she's just laying there like, "All right, we're gonna make this about you. Just do what you gotta do. I'll just close my eyes and think of England." You know, (laughs) it just doesn't work that way. Um-
- CWChris Williamson
So it's a combination, it's a combination of porn and an IKEA how to put it together manual.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
That's the optimal-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
There you go.
- CWChris Williamson
... blend-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
There you go.
- CWChris Williamson
... that men needs.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Swinging, swinging from the chandelier, screaming at the top of your lungs. Yes, go for it. No, it's, um, it's just introducing a little bit of stress. It's team building exercises. It's doing something fun where you together are solving a problem. If you give your man a problem to solve during sex, he will solve it, and he will feel really great, and he will bond to you the way that you are bonded to him.
- CWChris Williamson
But, like, if you need-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Just-
- CWChris Williamson
... if you need the backend of your website reconfiguring, if you need to reprogram some codes during sex-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs) Exactly, exactly.
- CWChris Williamson
... that's also a turn on
- NANarrator
(laughs)
- ASAdam Lane Smith
During, during. Just put the laptop on your back and
- NANarrator
(laughs)
- ASAdam Lane Smith
... you can kind of go. (laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
(laughs)
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah. Well, I remember, again, one of my favorite lessons that you gave us in the first episode was the men that were comatose during the second World War and then got up and started driving ambulances and fire trucks because they were given a purpose and the ability to achieve that purpose.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
And that was such a motivating force for men. And this, am I right in saying that it's not precisely the same mechanism, but it's a similar sort of process that men are going through? Problem, problem requires solution, I'm a person that does things, not people, I'm a person that needs to fix problems as opposed to just dwell on them?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Big time. Big time. It's also why men during war bond so hard with the other men in their squad. Even if they were only together for a year, they are lifelong friends, and they can pick right back up. People when they're 85 years old and have a reunion, this is why, is because they vasopressin bonded to those men so hard. If women can learn to stress bond with men a little bit better, man, you're gonna have him in your life forever. That's, uh, and the opposite is also true. If you don't stress bond him to you at all, those are the women who get really, really powerful feelings 'cause of their oxytocin flood from their orgasming with their one night stand dude from Tinder, and he ghosts her, and she's like, "I thought we had a connection." Well, no, you had a chemical connection, and you didn't chemical connection him to you at all, so he's gone. But the, the women who come out and say, "I'm gonna make sure you never forget me," and they put (laughs) ...
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
And that right there is a stress statement. But you put him through a little bit of stress, he really never will forget you. He'll be bonded to you for life.
- CWChris Williamson
Needing to be right will keep you friendless and stupid.
- 39:39 – 44:08
Signs of Broken Attachment
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah, man. Uh, next one. Young women when they're single: "I am a fierce tiger made of unicorns. No man can tame me." Young women in a relationship: "I'm so worthless. Nobody loves me. Please don't leave me." If this is you, this is a sign of broken attachment.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah. Heck yeah. This, this is, this is women who have broken attachment, 'cause outside of a relationship, they have to constantly signal that they're strong and that they have no weaknesses and nobody can help them, no one can tame them, no one can stop them. It's a fear projection. It's, it's... In nature, it's a bird fluffing up to look five times its size so the predator won't eat it. It's, it's messaging to themselves to cope with the pain of, of having lost relationships. "Well, they just couldn't handle me." Um, it's, "If you don't..." "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." It's that messaging all over again, but the moment they bond with somebody, an oxytocin bond... Um, the way oxytocin works is if you have not had much of it, especially in a childhood w- with neglect or abuse, your brain shifts to be very jealous and protective of what does give you an oxytocin bond. So if a man gives you orgasms and love and care, all of a sudden, you shift to be very paranoid about losing that attachment bond and, and oxytocin. And if you have bad attachment, you believe you are playing in a constant deficit all the time, so you have to earn his constant love and approval by being perfect all the time and never, ever bothering him, which means never challenging him, never stressing him, so he'll never vasopressin bond to you, so the bond just never happens. It over-happens on your side, and it under-happens on his side. And it just destroys you. And that's the women who are ragingly furious and angry and strong outside of relationships and completely crumble behind closed doors and will do anything for their man, no matter how many v- principles of theirs it violates. That's why that happens.
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah. We all-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
It's just the attachment-
- CWChris Williamson
... we all know this, right?
- NANarrator
... ******* me.
- CWChris Williamson
We all, we all know the, the girl that is a real hard-ass when she's single, "I don't need no man." And then, I don't know. It's so bad because hypocrisy and calling out somebody for their own lack of self-awareness is so inherently satisfying. This is one of the problems that we have with people that are up themselves on the internet, that you have a, a catalog of pretty much everything that you've ever said. And if you start to turn against that without calling out and going, "Uh, actually, I was wrong about this thing. I thought I was whatever, whatever, and now I'm not." If you just continue on and start to contradict yourself, people adore calling out hypocrisy.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Oh, yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
They absolutely love it. And the problem that you have in a situation like this is if you have a, a woman that's a real hard-ass when she's single and a real soft-touch when she's in a relationship, no one really feels much empathy...... for them-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
... because they haven't called out, "Uh, actually, I thought that I was a strong woman that didn't need no man. And now I'm really, really happy in this relationship. And for anybody else-"
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Right.
- CWChris Williamson
"... out there that feels the same, uh, maybe, m- maybe you should sort of consider that this could be a good route for you as well."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
That's the sort of thing where you go, "Wow, this person's actually identified that they were in the wrong. They've now given a piece of advice to other people." Yep. There we go. But when you just flip-flop from one to the other, there's no sympathy there.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
No. And, and, and, and the two distinguishing pieces are when a woman has healed her attachment in the relationship, she will say, "Man, I was so wrong." And when she has not healed her attachment in the relationship, when the attachment issue persists, she will start getting defensive. "No. I'm still totally an independent woman." And it'll start to really impact her brain because she's trying to hold a paradox in her brain. She, she has cognitive dissonance. "I'm a hard, independent woman who can't bear even five minutes away from my boyfriend." It's, it, and it just rips her apart, and it rips the relationship apart too. She'll start to resent him for making her weak. She'll start to resent the people who point it out to her. She'll try to hold both in her head, and it just, it destroys her. Those are the women who need sympathy the most, but they engender the least sympathy because, like you said, the hypocrisy is there. They're defensive, they're angry, and they can't seem to stay loyal to either side. They, they look like they have no loyalty at all. In fact, what's happening is they have so much loyalty and so much desperate love that they don't believe they deserve any love back. They need it, but-
- CWChris Williamson
That's such a good, such a good point, the fact that they're the ones that need the most sympathy but cultivate the least. So interesting.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah. (clears throat)
- CWChris Williamson
Right.
- 44:08 – 48:32
The Impact of Sacrifice in a Relationship
- CWChris Williamson
Love is not a feeling. Love is taking consistent action that's truly best for someone, especially when it's against your self-interest. The more it costs you, the greater your love. If you feel affection, but never sacrifice for that person, you only like the idea of loving them.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Man, I think of my kids. I think of my kids. I'm a father, which means I'm going to sacrifice for my kids. (laughs) There's times where my kids... Man, they're like... One of my kids is three. If she gets mad, she'll yell, she'll throw toys. Usually not. She's usually pretty well-behaved. But when she's tired, when she has a bad day, I can either vent my anger at her and feel good by myself, yelling at her and screaming at her, or I can tone it down. I can put myself aside. I can put my own dopamine levels aside and say, "Let's not worry about me right now. Let's worry about taking care of you," and give her the love and attention she needs and teach her gently the way that she needs to learn so that she can behave better. That right there is sacrifice. That right there is love. It, love is an action. I am loving my child. I feel affection toward my kid, but love is not proven until you actually do something about it. If I just scream at my daughter all the time and start screaming, "You're a brat. I can't stand you. Why are you doing this to me? Why would you treat me this way?" Well, she's three. (laughs) I'm not three. I'm supposed to be the parent. I'm supposed to love her and give her that love. If she's doing something bad and I just say, "Oh, that's okay, sweetie," I'm also not loving her. I'm being affectionate in my heart. I have, have affection for her, but I'm spoiling her. I'm ruining her life. Love is action. If you love somebody, then you must prove it. You must do it. Love is, it's a verb. To love is a verb. People don't get that. There's a lot of people out there who think they're the best parents on Earth because they tolerate their kids. There's a lot of parents out there who think that they're the best parents because they tolerate what their kids do, and they resent their kids for the sacrifices they have to make. I never... I should say. How am I gonna say this carefully (laughs) so that I'm honest? There are times when parents s- might resent. They might be. You have to catch yourself and realize that you are being a piece of crap and a selfish person, and you are not loving your child. By resenting your child, you are not loving your child. Even in your heart, you are not loving your child. You have to choose to love your child. Same thing in marriage, same thing in friendships, same thing in every relationship. You must choose to love somebody, or you only like the idea of loving them. You like the idea of being a loving person. You like the idea of being a good parent more than you are willing to be a good parent. And that's it. Love is action. If you don't take action, you don't love.
- CWChris Williamson
This is related to another one that you did. Step one isn't to figure out the solution. It's to shut down your emotional right brain and restore energy to your logical left brain so you can process the situation in a calm way.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Right. So... And I don't know if my cameras are versed. But the right side of your brain is emotion and creativity and all kinds of stuff. The left side of your brain is logic. It's, it's math. It's also language, things like this over here. Um, your brain only has so much energy (laughs) between it, between the hemispheres to jump back and forth and have ideas and make connections. Um, you, when you become emotional, it diminishes the logical brain to fuel an ex- a storm on this brain, so it's rapidly connecting all the feelings and figuring out how to fix it. Now, your l- your right brain, all it's good for is figuring out how to maximize your pleasure and minimize your pain for the next five seconds. If you are emotional, that's the brain you're thinking with, and this brain is logically diminished. If you take a brain scan of someone who's very emotional, it looks like North and South Korea at night. One is lit up, and one is dark. And it gets worse the more emotions you experience, and especially if you've got trauma, if you've got things like that, it gets worse and worse and worse. So when you are triggered by something, troubled, bothered, whatever the problem is, the problem i- you shouldn't be solving it when your brain's like this. You (laughs) need to calm yourself down so that your brain restores logical functioning, and then you'll start thinking longer term than five seconds. You'll start saying, "What should I do long term? What are my principles? What are my long-term goals? What do I actually want to accomplish here for the relationship?" Instead of maximize pleasure, minimize pain for five seconds. That's, that's, that should be your first step whenever you are upset by something, is to restore logical functioning. The solution will come to you
- 48:32 – 53:27
Don’t Tweet for Midwits
- ASAdam Lane Smith
after that.
- CWChris Williamson
This one is something I think should be a, uh, disclaimer above every person's Twitter. "Twitter is too short for specifics. Generalizations have to suffice. Midwits can't abide generalizations. They'll point out every exception and demand you tweet a full thread. Then they refuse to read full threads. Don't tweet for midwits. They're not your audience."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
And it's true. Um, and I say midwits, that's me being kind of a jerk. Um, what I mean is, those people who don't invest in understanding, because there- there's people who are beginners into an- into any topic, there's people who are advanced in any- into any topic, and there are people who are right in the middle, who are trying to figure out what exceptions exist to the rules. Those are the people who go in and say, "Well, you say this for men and women, but I knew a woman once who wasn't that way, so you are wrong. You are completely wrong." And they get angry at you for not tweeting 50 different tweets. After your one tweet, they need 50 different tweets with every possible exception listed that any human could ever make. Um, a- and they demand it, and they get upset if you don't, and they think they have won the argument and proven you wrong, this imaginary argument they're having with you. Um, don't tweet for those people. Number one, I mean, sometimes it's- they- they aren't... I don't wanna say sometimes they aren't intelligent enough to understand it. Usually they don't understand the topic enough to understand that picking out all the exceptions does not make you a smart person. They aren't willing to generalize and accept, like, this is for most people. Some things aren't for you. Some things are not for you, and if you imagine everything on Earth has to be for you, maybe fix you. (laughs) Maybe fix your perception-
- CWChris Williamson
But what did- what did people fucking think? Did they think that this 280 character post was going to cover every different anomalous situation for all of time? No, obviously not, and (clears throat) "actually" should be banned on Twitter. "Actually"...
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
Any tweet that begins with the word "actually" should just be immediately censored, because yet-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
You can just mute that person.
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah, well-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mute that person from them all.
- CWChris Williamson
Obviously. Obviously it's not meant... I've had to sacrifice specificity for brevity online. The reason that tweets do well is because they're pithy and because they're ki- they- sort of snappy and they sound cool and they have got a sense-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yes.
- CWChris Williamson
... of generalization, and if you want to come in as the guy that identifies the fact that there is actually an outlier to this situation, th- w- what- what are you proving? You're proving the fact that somebody's had to sacrifice specificity for brevity. Like, fucking well done you, five internet points.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
And, you know, there- there used to be a saying that somehow people have forgotten, and the saying is this. "The exception proves the rule."
- CWChris Williamson
(laughs)
- ASAdam Lane Smith
The exception proves that the rule exists. If you have to wrack your brain to think of the one woman on Earth who wasn't born with feet so that you can say, "How dare you say women are born with feet?" Well, the exception proves the rule. There's one woman over there who was born without feet. Okay, I get that. They exist. But saying, "Yeah, women are born with feet," it's not a- it should not be an arguable statement. Some of these statements I make in my twit- tweet thread, people get so ragingly angry, 'cause they're like, "Well, that's not me. How dare you say this is true?" Well, it's true for most people, and if it's not true for you, cool, move on. But if they're getting that angry, man, there's something there. (laughs) Like, maybe someone else made them feel bad that they don't fit into that one, and that's usually what they're arguing against. They're not arguing against you, they're arguing against the one person in their past history who made them feel bad for being an exception. That's really where a lot of that comes from.
- CWChris Williamson
The problem as well, if you're someone that's trying to create a platform online or trying to just get messaging out there, if you try and caveat everything that you say, you're going to erode out all of the color and the flavor that actually makes it exciting in the first place. If you-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
... decide to caveat every tweet that you do with, "I know that it's not about this, and on average..."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
And then explain what "on average" actually means. If you do that, then all the sexiness of your content's been lost in any case. So-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
... yeah, not optimizing for midwits I think is... it's just-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
No, man.
- CWChris Williamson
... a very good i- idea.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
If you optimize for midwits, you will have one follower, and that will be your mom, who says you are really clever.
- CWChris Williamson
Everything that you say is great. Yeah.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Nobody else will wanna follow you, 'cause they're like... They'll- everyone else will be like, "Man, I don't wanna follow this guy. All he does is tweet, like, some a- maybe averages. That doesn't really help me, 'cause then he's not even saying what average people can do." I sometimes, if it's a really hot topic, on the second tweet, the first sentence of the second tweet will be, "Some people are different," and I'll have-
- CWChris Williamson
(laughs) Yeah.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
... that in there. Like, "Not everybody, but the majority-"
- CWChris Williamson
Yes.
- 53:27 – 1:02:44
Do Men Care About Bodily Imperfections?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah. "Women are insecure about details. Men don't notice details. Men notice body parts. No man ever said, 'Hey, one of her nipples is slightly larger than the other,' but every woman knows which of her nipples is larger than the other-"
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs)
- CWChris Williamson
"... and is terrified her partner will leave her for it. Most women spend their time worrying about the man they love noticing imperfections that only another woman would notice. Few women realize that you cover imperfections by distracting men with accentuated body parts. Flaunt what you've got. He won't care about the rest."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
I think I should win a Nobel Prize for that one, 'cause that solves, like, all female insecurity, right? We're done. No, it's- it's true. Women don't get this. If you take off your shirt and your husband is staring at you, he is not going to notice that you have a mole next to your belly button. He is going to be staring at the two things that are right there in front of him. And if you're completely naked, he'll be- his eyes will be making a triangle, left, right, and down, and that's all he's gonna be looking at. And he might look at your face, maybe. Probably won't even notice. You could wear- you could wear a fake mustache with completely naked, and he- it would take him three hours to notice the fake mustache. And that's not... And you're laughing 'cause it's true. It is so true.We don't know. We notice body parts, and we fixate on body parts, um, especially the ones we like. We just, we just do. Men look at the specifics that we are trying to do because we're trying to achieve an objective. Her shirt is off, I should maximize the amount of time I can stare at these two things. That's usually what we're doing. And then we're getting aroused, and then we say, "Hey, we should have sex." We aren't looking at her body going, "Hmm, that's interesting. She has a mole there. I wonder where that- when that mole came up. Hey, she has a tiny scar on behind her ankle. I wonder where that scar came from. I would like to know that story." No, we are pretty fixated on getting done the job that we wanna get done. And, and that's just is what it is. That's, that's where we're at. So if women can find out their three best features and augment those three best features in whatever way... Man, you haven't made, like... (laughs) Just do that. Do that and see if he even notices anything. You know what? If a woman walked in the room completely naked with a false mustache, it would be amazing if her husband noticed the false mustache within, like, a while. Do that test. Women at home, buy a false mustache. You could probably find them on Amazon. And see, do the false mustache test. See if your husband even notices. Walk in completely butt naked and t- back to him first, so he sees your butt, and then turn around. He won't even notice your face. The mustache will be there for a while. And when he does, you'll have to say, "So what do you think of my mustache?" He'll go, "Huh?" And then he'll jump because he's so shocked. Give that a try. Do the te- do the mustache test, and that will show you how little he cares about your imperfections.
- CWChris Williamson
Pro tip. If you share that someone has hurt you and their first response is to complain that your admission hurts them, they don't love you.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
(laughs) That's true. Man, a lot of people, when they try to fix their attachment, they ask me, "Should I tell my parents?" And my answer is usually no, because your relationship formed in that environment first. You need to fix your attachment with at least three other people so that you have the emotional backing from other people to be able to go to your parents if they hit you with, "How dare you do this to me?" Um, if the other person says, "How dare you br- show this to me? Why are you doing this now? What's the problem?" Their first thought isn't, "Wow, the person I love is hurt. I need to help them." And if you love somebody, really love somebody, you actively love them. It goes right back to that. You show love for them by caring for them. If you have a selfish thought and say, "Oh, this hurts," you stop yourself and say, "Wait a minute, this person I care about is really hurt. I, I need to solve this first." I'm thinking, man, again, I'm a father. If my kids came to me and said, "Dad, it really bothered me when you yelled at me in front of my kids." My first... If I'm a loving father, my first thought isn't, "You deserved it." My first thought is, "Wait a minute. This is a relationship with my kids. I don't wanna screw this up 'cause I'd like to meet my grandchildren someday. Let me think through this. Okay, you know what? I acknowledge that you're hurt, and that sucks. Talk to me about why it hurts. And then I will talk to you about why I did it, and let's come to a compromise so we understa- understand each other. And then going forward, let's figure out how to make sure it never happens again so that neither one of us is bothered by this. Not just me, both of us. Let's figure out s- going forward how both of us can have this." And that's how you solve problems in a relationship where you love each other. That's just it. If the other person says, "Uh, well, you deserved it. Well, you made me feel bad. Well, you hurt me first." Well, that's defensiveness, and they don't really love you.
- CWChris Williamson
What about the reverse? What about if you are someone to whom somebody says that you hurt them and you have this compulsion to say, "Your admission of that hurts me"?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah. First of all, it's normal to have that compulsion. But if you love that other person, you should practice loving them and practice not being selfish. So if you have, again, the logical and emotion, if you logic spike and emotion spike, it mi- I- i- if you find yourself feeling upset, you need to check yourself immediately. When someone comes at you with something, your first thought should be, "Where am I at right now?" Before you open your mouth, you can even close your mouth. You could pretend you're stroking your mustache and thinking. Close your mouth and say, "Where am I at right now? Where am I at? Am I gonna screw up this relationship?" Then you think, "What is my goal right now? Is my goal to diminish my pain (laughs) and, and maximize my pleasure for five seconds? Or am I at a place right now where I need to, um, talk to this person and fix this relationship? Do I want to know my kids past the age of 18?" (sighs) Well, okay. If you're too hot right now to think about that, then you should say, "Okay, give me five minutes to, to cool off so I don't, so I, so I'm not a jerk, 'cause I love you and I care about this relationship. Give me five minutes. Let me think about this and l- and let's meet back here in five minutes." That's okay to do that. In fact, I, if you can't have a calm relationship and fix it, I encourage you to say, "Give me five minutes." 'Cause the other person might say, "Well, that sucks, but why?" And you could say, "Because I'm really emotional right now and I care about you and I wanna fix this, and I don't trust myself right now to be logical enough to have a good conversation. I'm just gonna be a jerk, and I wanna fix this, so give me, give me five minutes." And they'll say, "All right."
- CWChris Williamson
I suppose that's kind of similar to... If you are a, a wife and there's a problem that's occurred, ambushing the husband as soon as he walks through the door with that is, is probably suboptimal. He might have had a bad day at work. He might have just stepped through the door. The particular situation, the, uh, dynamic that you're in... You know, he's, he's in put bags down from work mode, not I need to have a serious conversation where I'm receptive to my wife mode.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Correct. Yeah. And that's okay. That's called meta-communication. Communicating about your communication is a good thing. Letting the other person know, "Hey, right now is not a good time 'cause I am messed up. I'm angry at this other thing. I'm stressed out." It's okay. And, and if you are a person who, who accidentally...... goes off at the other person and says, "Hey," you know, "I'm, uh, how dare you do this to me?" If you do that, sometimes it slips out, you are not loving that other person. You have to choose to go back in and love that other person a- and apologize to them. A- and really do, like, "Hey, man, I'm so sorry. I do care about you, and I want to show that I love you. So let's actually talk about your concerns. I'm sorry that I, that I jumped on you like that." And, and it'll be hard, but you can fix that relationship. Um, yeah, man, if, if someone comes at you and, and you've, you've hurt them, fix it. Fix it. If you love that person, then fix it. You should care about that. You should care that you hurt their feelings more than your feelings are being hurt by pointing out how you hurt them. You should care about them more than you care about your temporary discomfort, because you have hurt them, which means you've wounded the relationship.
- CWChris Williamson
I suppose as well being, being the person, the first mover that gets past the tit-for-tat inertia or the, the-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
... game playing of, well, last time that this happened, they set the tone by not responding in a very nice and meaningful way.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
Um, I, I, again, I can see that compulsion. You know, I'm somebody that-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
... you k- if, if I get badly done by someone, I, I remember, you know? The resentment-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
... sits there, and you think, "Okay, motherfucker." Like, "It's your turn now."
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
"It's your turn now. Remember the last time that you turned up late for dinner?" Well, it doesn't matter. I don't, uh ... You can almost feel it as you're going in. You're going out for dinner with a buddy, and you know that you're 15 minutes late. And you go, "Well, yeah, but he was half an hour late last time, so this is okay." And you go, "Well," you know-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
... kind of.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
This is okay.
- CWChris Williamson
But it's just a shitty, it's a shitty way to live.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
It is. It's really, it's realistically justifying treating someone else in a non-loving way. That's really what's happening. You are justifying treating the other person without love in some way, point blank. And if, if you think you're justified in doing that because of what they did to you, then by all means destroy the relationship by pointing that out and telling them that they deserved what you did to them.
- 1:02:44 – 1:07:58
How to Establish Healthy Expectations in a Partnership
- ASAdam Lane Smith
- CWChris Williamson
How would you advise somebody ... Let's say that they're in a relationship. It could be a friendship or a, or a partnership. And they have got themselves into a, um, a cycle of negative communication, whether that be this tit-for-tat thing or some other sort of really poor back-and-forth dynamic.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
Um, how would you advise someone broaching that? And also, how important is it to set the tone at the beginning of the relationship to continue forward? I'm going to guess, based on my experience, that getting it right first time and never having to fix something is optimal, but if you haven't done that, how do you fix it?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
You can't run a healthy relationship without setting up clear expectations at the start. The best, that's the best time to do it. Second-best time to do it is before there's a complete catastrophic meltdown. (laughs) So do it now. If anyone listening to this hasn't set clear expectations, set 'em now in relationships.
- CWChris Williamson
What's that mean? What's clear expectations?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Uh, the minimum to maintain the relationship and what you expected out of the relationship and what you hope to get out of the relationship, the minimum. So in a marriage, uh, "Let's not cheat on each other," would be one of the minimums. "Let's actually care about each other and solve our problems together." That would be one of the minimums. "Hey, when there's an actual problem, let's please talk about it instead of sweeping it under the rug and trying to make up for it by earning love and approval from each other." Uh, these are, these are basic expectations in a relationship. Um, set those. Set them. Tell the other person all the boundaries. You tell each other, "What boundaries would make me leave this relationship?" That calms the other person down if they're anxious, because that tells them, "Okay, I won't leave you outside of these clear boundaries right here."
- CWChris Williamson
These are the rules of the game.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
"Just don't do these things. Don't do these things right here. Here's the next set of boundaries. This is where I would leave you. Here's the next set of boundaries if I was ... That's the other way. Here's the, here's leaving you. Here's annoyed at you, or angry at you. Here's slightly annoyed at you. Here's like, okay, we're pretty good. Here's like, totally like thriving and loving you." And there should be this spectrum of behavior so the other person isn't feeling like they're walking on a minefield waiting for the relationship to detonate in any moment. Set clear expectations of what you do and don't want. And be clear about 'em when things pop up. "Hey, you know what? I didn't really like that, that you just did, but could you do this for me instead? That would be great." Do it the first time it pops up so no one's angry or embarrassed 'cause you haven't done it for six months. Set it right away, boom, clear expectations. If you don't set those, oof. Man, good luck.
- CWChris Williamson
I think, um, I, I keep on reflecting about your advice that women should give men problems that they can solve in collaboration with each other. That's so, so powerful, and I think that-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
... trying to, trying to think about ways that you can engender that. I suppose that having kids is one big problem to solve, which is maybe, uh, a part of the bonding experience, right? You know, you need to get-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yup.
- CWChris Williamson
... little Timmy to football practice, but there's only one car and you're at work and blah, blah. And I, I think that that's, that's a good part of it. But certainly for couples that don't have kids or, or perhaps find that, that the kid situation just isn't a problem-solving thing, that would be something maybe that you could try and communicate would be a good idea as well. Why don't we try and do something that is a little bit of a challenge, work on the extension of the house together, work on building-
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
... a side project together? Why don't ... If one of you has got a business, why don't you suggest that someone come in and, and, I don't know, assist with that? I'm not sure. But yeah, that seems like such a powerful bonding potential.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yes, absolutely. Do things together that you normally wouldn't do. Do uncomfortable things. They say, um, oxytocin bonding is bonding in the absence of stress. Vasopressin bonding is bonding in the presence of stress. Those are the two different things. And just a little bit of stress, even good stress, um, solving problems together, playing board games together even can be a little bit stressful. Building things together, like you said. If she just goes to him and says, "Hey, something is really bothering me, and I really need help solving it. Can you help me? My curtains need to be hung up," or, you know, or, "My," whatever, "This is bothering me. Can you help me? I'm having such an overwhelming week. Could you please do this for me? Could you pick up dinner on Thursday night? That would be so helpful to me." If she can just go to him and, and we ... I mean, our ancestors would call it the honeydo list. Honey, please do this. If, if, if you could just do that-... give him little things of, "This would be so helpful to me. Thank you so much." And he does it and you're like, "Oh, thank you." I mean, you don't have to jump on him naked the moment he comes through the door with dinner, but just like, "Thank you so much. That helped me out so much." Like, (clicks tongue) vasopressin for him. There's the feedback. He gave you, you gave him a problem, he solved it, feedback, urgh, yeah, powerful.
- CWChris Williamson
How many, um, how many women do you think avoid doing that because they don't wanna be awkward bitches?
- ASAdam Lane Smith
A lot of women do and especially when they are in... When they have attachment issues, because they believe they don't deserve those things and they believe that he doesn't want to do them and he doesn't care. If they have dads who grew up being a grumpy piece of crap who didn't wanna help out, it really hammers home that message of don't ever trust men. Um, don't ever ask men for anything, you're not worth it. So, it, it, it happens all the time, man. A lot of women don't want to be a bother or a burden and so they never do the things that men need to bond. It's just, it's so many missed opportunities. It doesn't make you a bad woman, it just makes you miss all the good opportunities.
- CWChris Williamson
Many women in hookup
- 1:07:58 – 1:20:36
Why Hookup Culture Doesn’t Bring Meaningful Connections
- CWChris Williamson
culture believe they're going to find a meaningful connection. They don't realize they're being used for masturbation.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
No, oh man, that pissed off so many people. (laughs) And it's an ugly way to put it, but it's true because... That's what they're, that's what those men are doing. They're not vasopressin bonding to you, number one. So really, they're masturbating with your body, is really what they're doing. They're, they're masturbating and having no bonding connection whatsoever, so they may as well have stayed at home and masturbated with their hand or an object because their brain is viewing you as an object, especially if they watch a lot of porn. What they found is that men who watch porn and men who are shown porn and then shown pictures of attractive women, their brain operates, um, it lights up the part of the brain responsible for tool use instead of human connection. So if he's used to watching a lot of porn-
- CWChris Williamson
Go through that again for me.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
... that part of his... Yeah.
- CWChris Williamson
Go through that again.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
So the research shows, um, they showed, they showed pictures of attractive women to men who ha-, uh, first they would, they would either show them nothing, I believe, or they'd show them, uh, porn. And, and they'd, they'd show them one or the other. And so they'd show them the attractive woman and the men who had no images prior to that, their brain would light up for attrac-, uh, interacting with other humans. The men who were shown porn first and then shown a pic-, a non-pornographic picture of attractive women, the part of their brain responsible for tool use would light up.
- CWChris Williamson
Shit.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Yeah. So if you look at a lot of porn, you look at a woman and what happens? Your brain says, "Tool use, I'm gonna masturbate." So he forgets you're even there if he's used to porn. Also, men who loo- watch a lot of porn focus on acts and body parts way more, so he's staring at her boobs and he's trying to get off to her boobs instead of saying, "Hey, we're having a wonderful experience together. Let's really enjoy this and bond and connect." He's just trying to get off. He's just there and he's like, "All right, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this." And that's the dude who's yelling like 15 different, um, that's the dude who's yelling 15 different instructions during like, "All right, flip around and look at me. Now jump up and down now." And like that's why is 'cause he's recreating these porn scenarios that he, his brain, he's programmed his brain to get off to. He has built a fetish around using the female body and different body parts. So he's just masturbating with your body at that point. And even if you're married, even if you're married, he can still be just masturbating with your body because sex to him is a way of masturbating 'cause he's used to masturbating to women on the internet.
- CWChris Williamson
Yeah, I, um, I was reading Robert Wright's, uh, book recently which always has some... It was written in the '90s when he did, uh, when he first wrote his, his book on evolutionary psychology.
- ASAdam Lane Smith
Mm-hmm.
- CWChris Williamson
There's this section in there that says, "The Madonna-whore dichotomy." And this is something that I think has kind of been lambasted and, and, and called out as, as fake news, but any man knows that this is true. So anti-cuckoldry technology could come in handy not just when a man has a mate, but earlier in choosing her. If available females differ in their promiscuity, and if the more promiscuous ones tend to make less faithful wives, natural selection might incline men to discriminate accordingly. Promiscuous women would be welcome as short-term sex partners, indeed preferable in some ways, since they can be had with less effort, but that would make poor wife material, a dubious conduit for male parental investment.
Episode duration: 1:21:06
Install uListen for AI-powered chat & search across the full episode — Get Full Transcript
Transcript of episode Nx8G-v7DnSI
Get more out of YouTube videos.
High quality summaries for YouTube videos. Accurate transcripts to search & find moments. Powered by ChatGPT & Claude AI.
Add to Chrome