Modern WisdomAre Women In Charge Of The Dating Market? - Jon Birger
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
How Sex Ratios, Apps, And MeToo Reshaped Modern Dating Power Dynamics
- Chris Williamson interviews author Jon Birger about how demographic shifts—especially the college gender gap—have tilted the dating market in favor of men and made it harder for women seeking long‑term partners.
- Birger explains sex-ratio theory, showing how imbalances in men and women change sexual norms, campus cultures, and even crime rates, and argues that online dating amplifies superficial criteria and harms relationship stability.
- He makes the case that women can gain a strategic edge by making the first move, dating beyond strict educational boundaries, avoiding over-reliance on apps, and considering younger or non-degreed men.
- Both discuss how MeToo has increased male fear of approaching, why subtle flirting often fails, and why meeting through work, friends, or community leads to more durable relationships than dating apps.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasThe college gender gap structurally disadvantages educated women in dating.
In most Western countries, about one‑third more women than men graduate from university, so post‑college dating pools skew female. Combined with strong assortative mating (grads wanting other grads), this leaves many women competing for a smaller pool of comparable men.
Sex ratios don’t just change odds; they reshape sexual culture and norms.
Where women are plentiful and men scarce (e.g., many campuses at 60%+ female), casual sex is more common, men delay commitment, and women report more loneliness. In male‑heavy environments, relationships are more common and more stable, reflecting sex-ratio research from humans and other species.
Online dating incentivizes ‘shopping’ behavior and weakens relationship outcomes.
Apps push users to filter on blunt metrics (height, income, education), encouraging consumerist thinking and ignoring deeper traits like humor or character. Studies cited show higher breakup and divorce rates for couples who meet via apps versus through friends, work, or community.
Women who initiate gain a measurable matching advantage.
Drawing on Nobel Prize–winning matching theory, whoever initiates the match tends to secure a higher‑ranked partner on average. Women who signal interest clearly or make the first move aren’t ‘desperate’; they’re expanding beyond only those who happen to pursue them.
MeToo and social anxiety have made traditional ‘playing hard to get’ counterproductive.
Men, especially younger ones, increasingly fear being labeled creepy or predatory, so indifference is read as a firm ‘no,’ not a flirty test. Subtle flirting is often missed entirely, so women who want connection now benefit from clear, unambiguous signals rather than demure distance.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesMaking the first move is the only dating strategy ever to be awarded the Nobel Prize.
— Jon Birger
Men used to worry about being rejected. Now they’re worried about being labeled a predator.
— Brian Howey (quoted by Jon Birger)
If a woman comes across as indifferent, men will take that as a sign that she’s not interested and will move on.
— Francesca Hogi (quoted by Jon Birger)
It’s getting to a point that if the woman doesn’t make the first move, the men are not going to.
— Francesca Hogi (quoted by Jon Birger)
The stories of how we meet are important. You’re much more likely to fall in love with somebody you already know from the real world than with a complete stranger from an app.
— Jon Birger
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