Did Evolutionary Psychology Get Dating All Wrong? - Dr Paul Eastwick

Dr Paul Eastwick is a psychologist, professor, and a researcher. Much of what we think we know about relationships comes from an evolutionary psychology lens, but what if that framework is flawed? In his groundbreaking new research, Dr Paul Eastwick challenges long-held assumptions, turning evolutionary psychology on its head. So where did it go wrong, and what new models replace it? Expect to learn where the Evo Psych community may have been wrong about mating and relationships, the biggest problem with the term “mating market”, how accurate people’s opinions are and ideas at their “type” or mate preferences, what men find appealing in women and visa versa, what Paul’s definition of attachment in adulthood via safe haven (support in adversity) and secure base (support in growth) is, why masculinity needs reimagining and much more… - 0:00 What’s Really Broken in the Mating Market 15:00 Is Romance Just a Hierarchy of Inequality? 25:01 Does Self-Improvement Boost Your Dating Game? 31:43 What Do Men and Women Actually Find Attractive? 42:56 Why Online Dating is Destroying Modern Mating 47:07 What Traits are Over and Underestimated in Men and Women? 58:20 Waiting to Have Sex: Does It Really Improve Relationships? 01:14:54 Why Attachment Matters in Love 01:19:17 Why Breakups are So Tough 01:29:47 Are Humans Naturally Monogamous or Serial Monogamous? 01:34:49 Where to Find Paul - Get up to 20% off the leading longevity and cellular health supplement at https://timeline.com/modernwisdom Get 15% off your first order of my favourite Non-Alcoholic Brew at https://athleticbrewing.com/modernwisdom Get the brand new Whoop 5.0 and your first month for free at https://join.whoop.com/modernwisdom Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period from Shopify at https://shopify.com/modernwisdom - Get access to every episode 10 hours before YouTube by subscribing for free on Spotify - https://spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - https://apple.co/2MNqIgw Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - https://chriswillx.com/books/ Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic here - https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom - Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact/

Chris WilliamsonhostDr. Paul Eastwickguest

Feb 6, 20261h 35mWatch on YouTube ↗

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Relationship science challenges mating-market myths: compatibility, attachment, and modern dating

Eastwick contrasts classic evolutionary-psychology framing (mate value hierarchies, large sex differences, short- vs long-term “strategies”) with a relationship-science view centered on attachment, dyadic processes, and compatibility that emerges over time.
He argues “mating market” competition mostly describes brief, stranger-based contexts (bars, swiping), where people initially agree on who’s attractive—yet that consensus fades as people get to know each other, making attraction more idiosyncratic.
Online dating amplifies early, checkbox-based screening and suppresses the conditions (shared groups, repeated exposure, vulnerability) that let compatibility and unique bonds develop.
He also emphasizes pro-relationship biases (idealization, derogating alternatives), the importance of being a “good lover” and supportive partner for relationship satisfaction, and why breakups are destabilizing due to attachment loss and the need for a coherent narrative.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

The “mating market” is real—but mostly at the stranger stage.

Eastwick says market-like competition best describes initial attraction among strangers (parties, bars, swiping), where people show relatively high agreement about who is attractive. As familiarity grows, agreement drops and attraction becomes more person-specific.

Attraction becomes increasingly idiosyncratic with repeated exposure.

In his studies, “hot or not” consensus declines over time (from strong agreement among strangers to near-chance among friends/acquaintances). Different people update differently—someone becomes more appealing to one person and less to another—reducing “hierarchy” effects.

Compatibility can rival or exceed consensus even early—especially face-to-face.

Eastwick argues that in speed-dating contexts, compatibility (“taste and timing”) is at least as influential as shared agreement about desirability. This is one reason face-to-face meeting can outperform photo-based selection.

Online dating worsens inequality by locking people into fast, box-checking filters.

Swiping environments magnify quick judgments and make traits like education or income act as hard gatekeepers, preventing people from discovering unexpected compatibility that might emerge through ongoing interaction.

Mate-value ‘mismatches’ don’t reliably predict relationship failure.

Although couples show some matching (e.g., attractiveness), Eastwick claims mismatched couples (e.g., “8 with 5”) are not consistently less satisfied or more likely to break up than matched couples—once the relationship forms, motivated biases and dyadic processes dominate.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

[The mating market] describes initial attraction markets among strangers pretty well… but that tendency to agree actually fades over time.

— Dr. Paul Eastwick

It is really, really lucky that people do this… she might be a six too, but she thinks I’m a ten.

— Dr. Paul Eastwick

Ambition is a mild aphrodisiac… and there was no gender difference.

— Dr. Paul Eastwick

Ask a deeper question than you think… That is the best experimental manipulation we have ever come up with… for getting people to like each other.

— Dr. Paul Eastwick

Breakups are tough because… you’ve lost the person that you would normally go to… It’s like this double whammy of stress.

— Dr. Paul Eastwick

Mating market vs compatibility modelAttractiveness consensus fading over timeOnline dating and checkbox screeningAssortative mating and “mismatch” outcomesStated vs revealed preferences (speed dating)Vulnerability and self-disclosure as closeness acceleratorsAttachment, breakup recovery, and relationship biases

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