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Nicole Arbour - Dating, Haters & Mental Health | Modern Wisdom Podcast 335

Expect to learn what Nicole discovered after 10 years of chronic pain, what Americans, Canadians and Brits can learn from each other, why Canadian politeness has been weaponised, what the right are getting wrong, how to deal with criticism, Nicole's dating advice to her younger self and much more... Sponsors: Get 10% discount on your first month from BetterHelp at https://betterhelp.com/modernwisdom (discount automatically applied) Get 20% discount & free shipping on your Lawnmower 3.0 at https://www.manscaped.com/ (use code MODERNWISDOM) Extra Stuff: Follow Nicole on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/ibnicolearbour Follow Nicole on Twitter - https://twitter.com/NicoleArbour Follow Nicole on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCE7faqz-mqjbUa4UaMZGAvw Get my free Ultimate Life Hacks List to 10x your daily productivity → https://chriswillx.com/lifehacks/ To support me on Patreon (thank you): https://www.patreon.com/modernwisdom #nicolearbour #haters #mentalhealth - Listen to all episodes online. Search "Modern Wisdom" on any Podcast App or click here: iTunes: https://apple.co/2MNqIgw Spotify: https://spoti.fi/2LSimPn Stitcher: https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/modern-wisdom - Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Email: modernwisdompodcast@gmail.com

Nicole ArbourguestChris Williamsonhost
Jun 17, 20211h 2mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 0:19

    Intro

    1. NA

      There's gonna be haters. It's gonna happen. It's not possible for it not to happen. And the greater the risk that you're taking in your content, in your life, in who you declare yourself to be publicly, the more hate there will be, period.

    2. CW

      Is this the easiest time in the world

  2. 0:19 – 0:36

    How to find inspiration for comedy

    1. CW

      to find inspiration for comedy 'cause all that you have to do is just read headlines?

    2. NA

      Yes, 100%. 100%. I'm, I'm so overwhelmed with how much material there is, I'm almost, like, frozen on the spot. It's like my fight or flight is, like, for comedy right now, there's so much.

  3. 0:36 – 1:07

    Online comedy

    1. NA

      (laughs)

    2. CW

      It's weird, right, because you guys haven't been able to do much live stuff, and everyone that's been doing things on the internet, it's kinda made sense 'cause it's all internet stories and then internet commentary.

    3. NA

      Yep. Uh, I think it's great because I started doing the online stuff five, probably six years ago and all my standup friends were making fun of me. They were like, "Mm, that's not real comedy. That's not..." And then they were all forced to do it during the pandemic, and now they get it, and they get how fun it is, and they get that we can reach a bigger audience. So, I was there first. (laughs)

    4. CW

      And now you have endless content.

    5. NA

      Yeah.

  4. 1:07 – 1:38

    Mental health

    1. NA

    2. CW

      Yeah, it's mental. It really is. Well, I guess, 'cause in the UK, we see some of the stuff that trickles through from America, right?

    3. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    4. CW

      And I don't know, it's, it must feel like every single day, there's far too much for you to even comment on.

    5. NA

      There is. That's why I have to stop and focus myself, and go, "Okay, wait, what projects am I actually working on?" 'Cause I can go on Twitter and be there all day, and just make fun of these headlines or make TikToks or make whatever it is. So I have to, I have to focus myself.

    6. CW

      Here's something-

    7. NA

      It's a, it's a smorgasbord right now of comedy content.

    8. CW

      Yeah.

  5. 1:38 – 3:33

    The world

    1. CW

      Well, the world is. Something that I realized a couple of weeks ago, 'cause I listen to a good bit of The Daily Wire and I'm mates with some of the producers there, which I know you're in Nashville, right? That's the hometown-

    2. NA

      Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    3. CW

      ... now for them.

    4. NA

      Yeah, yeah.

    5. CW

      And, um, it hasn't felt like they've had to come up with anything to talk about for about a year.

    6. NA

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

    7. CW

      Like, they're just constantly being 'Cause people don't like being called reactionaries.

    8. NA

      Yeah.

    9. CW

      But when there's more stuff to react to than there is stuff for you to talk about from your side, d'you, d'you understand, it really feels like the left is kind of throwing everything they have at the world, and then the right is just playing defense at the moment.

    10. NA

      Uh, I agree with you on that, but I don't think it's the right tactic, personally. And I've had that discussion with some of the people at Daily Wire. I actually feel like, um, conservatives as a whole right now aren't necessarily playing the best game that can be played. I- if we're cool to get into that. Um, yeah, I, I don't think being on defense constantly is smart at all. You should be on offense. And I think that we're leading by being defensive, which doesn't work. And if we want people on our team, we should stop shrieking and screaming at people and telling everyone how much they suck all day, every day, and be awesome fucking people. And then they'll wanna be part of what you're part of. It's kinda like Christians who are wearing necklaces and having bumper stickers, but they're assholes in real life.

    11. CW

      (laughs)

    12. NA

      I- if you're a bit more Christ-like or, like, a cool person, then people will be like, "Yo, what are you about?" And then you can tell them about your religion. But I, I think conservatives right now, like, the whole game needs to shift, and maybe it's new coaches need to come in, maybe it's new influencers, maybe it's someone like myself that doesn't wanna be shrieking and screaming all day, and I don't think that's the only representation of conservative women or libertarian women. And, uh, I think we can be awesome and be friends and work with liberals, and that's the way to bring people over to our side, is by being so awesome they wanna be on our team. And yeah, those are my thoughts.

  6. 3:33 – 4:55

    Its easy

    1. NA

    2. CW

      It's easy, though, right? It's like the, if you were picking a fight with someone, you would always pick the easiest fight, because you know that it's going to make you look the best. Or if you're going to have a dance off with somebody, you'd pick the person that was the worst dancer. And-

    3. NA

      See, I wouldn't. I want the best. I wanna beat the best.

    4. CW

      But that's because you're a cheerleader, so I think that's an unfair fight.

    5. NA

      Yeah. (laughs)

    6. CW

      Um, but my point is, like, it's, it's always just the easy Everyone's getting baited out, right? Everybody on the right-

    7. NA

      Yeah.

    8. CW

      ... is getting baited out with stupid stories from the left. But it's causing the right to never make any progress, 'cause it's constantly just batting back against what's coming from the other side.

    9. NA

      Yes. Imagine we stopped, uh, giving attention to their stupidity and just started making awesome shit. How about that? You know, and, uh-

    10. CW

      What would awesome shit look like?

    11. NA

      Oh, gosh, TV, films, movies, music, being awesome and also being conservative. Uh, to me, it's, like, likened to, uh, even Gay, Gay Pride month, which is going on right now. There's people who are like, "I am gay," and that's their personality. Or you can just be awesome and be amazing at what you do and talented and a good human, and also be gay, which will make a lot more people comfortable with gay people if they weren't in the first place. I, I just, I really, really think from a strategy point, we're not doing it right, right now. The right's not doing it right. But who am I to just observe from the outside and step in newly?

  7. 4:55 – 5:46

    MiMe Society

    1. NA

      (laughs)

    2. CW

      You are a new resident of Nashville, so I think you've got-

    3. NA

      Yeah. (laughs)

    4. CW

      ... just as much, just as much right as anyone else. Is that the "me, me, me" society, what you just said there?

    5. NA

      The "me, me, me" soci... A little bit, yeah. There's, there's, uh-

    6. CW

      What is it? For the people that aren't initiated, what is it?

    7. NA

      The "me, me, me" society is the, you have to care about who I sleep with, you have to care about what pronouns I wanna call myself, you have to care where I wanna put my dick, where, where I, all of my personal things, you have to care about me and make sure during your day that you are acknowledging everything that I wanna be and be known for, and instead of just being a good human. Uh, like, everyone's so obsessed, not everyone, but so many people are so obsessed with, "You have to call me this and you need to care about who I'm sleeping with, you have to care about all my little idiosyncrasies of my life." No, they don't. They don't have to care about you. Get over it, make cool shit, be a good person, go on with your life.

  8. 5:46 – 6:20

    Thesis

    1. NA

      That's, that's me, I think.

    2. CW

      Why, why do you think that people are bothered about that now? Give me a thesis on that.

    3. NA

      My thesis is, it's easier to complain that you're not getting attention for things that aren't attention-worthy than to make something that deserves attention.Yeah. That, that's my thesis. It's a lot harder to create amazing art and things of value than it is to say, "Why aren't you giving me attention for who I put my dick in?" You know?

    4. CW

      (laughs)

    5. NA

      (laughs) I don't personally have a dick, but if I did... (laughs)

    6. CW

      You'd be saying it. Um-

    7. NA

      Yeah.

  9. 6:20 – 8:33

    The Inner Citadel

    1. NA

    2. CW

      I red-pilled Michael Knowles on this the other day. I will tell you the same thing. Have you heard of the Inner Citadel? Do you know what this is?

    3. NA

      Uh-uh.

    4. CW

      Okay. So, it is a way of looking at the world where when you fail to win a game, you decide-

    5. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    6. CW

      ... to claim that the rules should have been changed so that they fit around what you can do. So, if you can't get what you want, you have to tr- teach yourself to want what you can get. So, for instance-

    7. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    8. CW

      ... let's say that, um, you lose a leg or something. You can try and fix a leg and get it back on. And then if you can't fix the leg, you say that the desire for legs is misguided and that everybody else that wants legs is completely wrong. The point is-

    9. NA

      Oh.

    10. CW

      ... we see this with people who are overweight, perhaps. They struggle to lose weight, and then they'll say, "Well, the entire world's idea of health and body standards is completely, like, misinterpreted." Or, um-

    11. NA

      (laughs)

    12. CW

      ... we see this a lot in the sort of progressive psychedelic culture, where someone will really struggle to maintain a monogamous relationship, then declare that monogamous relationships are for suckers anyway.

    13. NA

      Oh, for sure.

    14. CW

      So I'm gonna go poly.

    15. NA

      Open relationships are the way. Yeah, yeah.

    16. CW

      Yeah. But is it that or is it just the fact that you really struggle to find someone that you can work with, or maybe you struggle to remain faithful to somebody? So, that's the retreat to the Inner Citadel. And it seems like it's with this as well. It's like, look, I should be liked because I have talent, but I don't have talent, therefore the world doesn't like me because of one of these-

    17. NA

      X, Y, Z.

    18. CW

      ... particular grievances. Yes.

    19. NA

      Exactly. Yeah, I think that's exactly what's hap- You're correct, 1,000%. That's exactly what's happening. And it's so easy, isn't it, to just not actually do anything but complain? Gosh, that's an easy way to get a trophy. "I'm the greatest complainer on the internet. All of you are doing life wrong. You should bow down to me. And if you don't do exactly what I want and you hurt my feelings, you're a bad person. Cancel you. Ha ha, I win." Like, what a stupid game. Why are we playing it with these people? Like, that's what brings me back to what I think the right is doing wrong. Why are we playing this game with these people? For what? There's no winning this game. They're gonna keep moving the goalpost, and it keeps getting stupider and stupider, as if that's a word. Yes.

  10. 8:33 – 11:14

    In My Perfect World

    1. NA

    2. CW

      Roll the clock forward then. What happens next?

    3. NA

      Ugh. In my perfect world? Okay. In my perfect world, conservatives and libertarians would stop playing stupid. They would declare, uh, "Sure. White flag. You guys win. We're horrible. You're right. All right. Good luck." And then we will just make our own films. We will not cancel each other, no matter what, because grace is a, uh, virtue that I think we need to have more of. Um, even if someone says something disgusting 10 years ago, we say, "Hey, that was kinda gross 10 years ago." And then they go, "Oh, yeah, that was gross 10 years ago." And you go, "Okay, cool. Don't do that again. Sweet." Uh, and then we move on. And we create culture. We make films and art and sports, and we, we let sports be about sport again and not about kneeling or who pretends to be woke but actually supports communist China, (coughs) LeBron James. You know, we just bring people back to being people and just let them play their games, and just laugh at them like children having temper tantrums, because that's what they are. We're, we're giving way too much effort to a kid having a temper tantrum when moms know when you start ignoring that part, if it's not for a good reason, if you just ignore it, they'll stop. They'll cry themselves out and they'll, "Okay. (laughs) I'm back to playing." Like... (laughs) Yeah.

    4. CW

      Have you seen in the UK at the moment that the players taking... So, it was at an England game a couple of days ago, the players took a knee for BLM at the start of the game and the entire stadium booed. And then again yesterday it happened, and it was really loud, and they took a knee for 15 seconds. 15 seconds of booing is really awkward, and the commentators-

    5. NA

      Yeah.

    6. CW

      ... don't know what to say. But yeah, that's, that's the response in the UK at the moment. What's it-

    7. NA

      Yeah.

    8. CW

      Is that h- Is that happening in the US? I don't think so. Not from what I've seen.

    9. NA

      Um, they aren't really doing it that much anymore because they got booed so many times, from what I observed.

    10. CW

      Okay.

    11. NA

      Um, yeah, I haven't seen that lately, but I saw the NBA's ratings go right on down. I saw... Like, I had a friend actually compare my personal ratings to NBA ratings, and I was beating the NBA multiple weeks in a row with views, (laughs) which is ridiculous when you think of it. That's stupid. What is 2021? Um, but yeah, I haven't seen it that much here, but it's just stupid. It's stupid at this point. We all know BLM is a stupid organization where they have kept most of the money. There's so much fraud within it. Of course Black lives matter. That goes without saying. And if there's anything we can do to help people rectify poor situations, let's do that. But taking a knee does nothing. Let's stop the virtue signal off. You know what I mean? It's like, how many virtues can we signal today? That's the real sport now. (laughs) It's just dumb.

  11. 11:14 – 13:00

    Why is the UK still taking a knee

    1. CW

      Well, I don't know. Given the fact that the country it originated in-

    2. NA

      Yeah.

    3. CW

      ... and the, uh, incident that sort of kicked it all off has had-

    4. NA

      Yeah.

    5. CW

      ... its year's anniversary now, if the country that it started in has stopped taking a knee-

    6. NA

      Yep.

    7. CW

      ... why, why is the UK still doing it?

    8. NA

      Because if you take a knee, you are so important and you are better than everyone who didn't take a knee. I can't believe you didn't know that. Like, uh, you're not a good person for not knowing that. I am, by virtue, a better person for knowing how to virtue signal.

    9. CW

      Significantly, significantly better person, yeah.

    10. NA

      Yeah. (laughs)

    11. CW

      But I mean, there's, there's all sorts of stuff at the moment. There's still Black Lives Matter, um, logos on the side of the time bar at the top of the, the top of the score on the, on the TV. There's different pop-ups and stuff that go on. But there has to be a point-

    12. NA

      Right.

    13. CW

      ... at which...... that stops happening. Like, it can't-

    14. NA

      Yes.

    15. CW

      ... happen for the re- Well, I mean, it could happen for the rest of time, but it would be like, you know, in 50 years. So there has to be a point in which it, it does stop, but apparently-

    16. NA

      Yeah.

    17. CW

      ... not yet.

    18. NA

      How about now? I vote now. Um-

    19. CW

      Sky Sports, are you listening?

    20. NA

      Yeah. Sky Sports, come on now. I have ma- I made videos about this while it was going down in the first uprising of BLM, and I do feel like so many people have so many valid points, obviously. But I'm not into complaining or putting on a show of the virtue signal without having ways to solve problems. And that's just the kind of person I am. It gets me in trouble. I'm like, "Okay, how do we fix it?" Sometimes people just wanna complain, but I'm like, "Okay, no, but like, how do we fix it so we can move on?" And these banners don't fix anything. It's a little back pat, a little acknowledgement, but, "Okay, things have gone horribly wrong in these certain areas. What do you guys need? What do we do? How do we help?" That's, that's all I care about. Anything else, I'm just like, "Be quiet."

  12. 13:00 – 14:31

    Crowd mentality

    1. NA

      (laughs)

    2. CW

      Well, I guess as a player as well, there's gonna be so much pressure. You're gonna think, "Oh, god, if I'm the one that doesn't take the knee," especially if the rest of the team are.

    3. NA

      Yep.

    4. CW

      So you have this sort of crowd mentality that's also creeping in there.

    5. NA

      That would be very strange because you know that they would be the headline in every newspaper the next day. The one person who didn't take a knee.

    6. CW

      Racist player. Yeah.

    7. NA

      Yeah, for sure. Yeah. It'd be great if it was a Black person who did it.

    8. CW

      Wow.

    9. NA

      That, I think that would be the change, if one Black player didn't take the knee and they were like, "This is dumb. What are we doing?"

    10. CW

      That's the ultimate red pill.

    11. NA

      (coughs) Excuse me.

    12. CW

      Uh, have you spent any time in the UK?

    13. NA

      Yes. I love it so much.

    14. CW

      Where have you been?

    15. NA

      I love it so, so much. I recorded a bunch of music there. Um, I've been, I'd say, to most of the hotspots. So, lots of time in London, uh, Manchester, through there, obviously. Um, the Isle of Wight was a music festival I went to, which was so much fun, and I got to see Rod Stewart perform. And everyone knew how much I loved Rod Stewart, and it was a big deal. Everyone just turned and looked at me when he went on stage 'cause I was losing my shit. Um, he was so good, and you wouldn't think that, but he was amazing. Um, yeah, I've been to a whole bunch of different parts in the UK, and I freaking love it. Canadians and Brits are so similar in so many ways. Very similar sense of humor, dry wit that I love. Um, yeah, I love me some Costa cookies too. You guys have such good cookies at Costa. Like, right when I land, I go to Costa. I'm like, "Give me a cookie." (laughs)

  13. 14:31 – 16:22

    Differences between Canada and the UK

    1. NA

    2. CW

      It's weird that one of the things we can beat America and Canada on is fast food, or like convenience foods. But apparently, apparently, we've got that down. Um-

    3. NA

      Yeah.

    4. CW

      ... yes, I think that the Brits and the Canadians have a fair bit in common. Do you think-

    5. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    6. CW

      ... much about kind of, obviously, you've got, I guess, cultural leaders in the West, Canada, the UK, and America. Do you ever think about sort of the differences and the, the little quirks and the, the similarities between them?

    7. NA

      Oh, yeah. Um, what I've noticed, like, being Canadian and then moving to America, is that there's so much fighting in America because they take themselves too seriously. Uh, like individual people choose to be offended, whereas a Brit or a Canadian would laugh at the exact same thing. So, you guys, you know, you take the piss, uh, th- uh, which I love. That's why I love people in the UK, 'cause y- y'all take the piss and it's so much fun. And the same with Canada. I was talking to a, a friend the other day, and we were like, "We grew up different." Like, we would mock the crap out of each other every day, every different race, every ethnicity. We're all in the same class. My friends were Jamaican and from Trinidad and from everywhere, and we would make racist jokes to each other's faces. They'd call me a honky or a cracker or whatever, and I'd laugh. And I grew up on The Simpsons, and I feel like America somehow lost that. Like, they somehow lost the ability to laugh at themselves, or a lot of Americans did, specifically one group of people. Um, but yeah, that, that I think is the difference within it. And I do want us to bring that back. It, I feel like taking yourself too seriously is a mental illness at this point. Like, just chill. You're not that important. Your feelings aren't that important to everybody. And that's, yeah. That's what I think happened.

  14. 16:22 – 20:40

    Tall Poppy Syndrome

    1. NA

    2. CW

      That's a really interesting one. I was having a chat with a buddy who's now living in Nashville, actually, a couple of weeks ago.

    3. NA

      Cool.

    4. CW

      And he was saying, he's a British guy, and he was, we were talking about the fact that as a young person growing up in the UK, if you do stuff that's different, if you decide that you're gonna move out to Nashville to start a business, or if you start acting or dancing or modeling or drawing or poetry or whatever-

    5. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    6. CW

      ... the piss-taking can really nerf the edges of your creativity. So, it's great because people don't take themselves too seriously, but it also dampens down a lot. So you get tall poppy syndrome-

    7. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    8. CW

      ... like very, very badly in the UK.

    9. NA

      Oh yeah.

    10. CW

      Um, especially because there's a lot of... Manchester, working-class town. Newcastle, where I'm from, working-class town. Perhaps a little bit less in London 'cause it's a bit more cosmopolitan and people of the world and stuff. Um, but yet the dark side of that, of the piss-taking and not taking stuff too seriously, is that you don't have the American, you can be whatever you want to be-

    11. NA

      Hmm.

    12. CW

      ... gas your friends up, the, the support and the, "Yes, Jimmy, little Jimmy, you can go and do it," type thing.

    13. NA

      Yeah.

    14. CW

      I understand that that causes, in later life, people to, uh, feel like they're owed something and to struggle when they don't get, t- s- f- uh, success that they feel is deserved. But in earlier life, definitely in the UK, both me and my buddy said the tall poppy syndrome is pretty real. So-

    15. NA

      Hmm.

    16. CW

      ... I think that you need a balance of the two. What's it like in Canada?

    17. NA

      I think that'd be fantastic to balance those two. I think Canada is, th- the politeness is a real thing. So it's a-

    18. CW

      Yeah, it is.

    19. NA

      Yeah, it is. I actually think it's cowardice at this point though. Uh, this is, we can, we can circle back to that. Which, which point do you want me to go on? Those are two different roads. Where do you want me to go?

    20. CW

      First one.

    21. NA

      Okay. W- we'll stay on the first one.... in Canada, it was, uh, "Yeah, you can do whatever you want if you go to America."

    22. CW

      (laughs) Oh, shit.

    23. NA

      Like, that's how I grew up was believing in the American dream. Our culture, our film, our everything was like, "Be whatever you want in America."

    24. CW

      Over the border?

    25. NA

      Yeah, go over the border. You've made it if you go to America. It was never, "You can make it in Canada," ever. Like, in music, in entertainment, in anything. So it was, "Yeah, you do as much as you can here, and then get out of here if you wanna do it."

    26. CW

      Export yourself. How weird.

    27. NA

      Yeah. Yeah. That was the, that was the whole thing. When I got my US visa, like my entertainment visa to work in America and be a legal immigrant, it was a big deal. It was like a super proud moment of my life, 'cause I was like, (gasps) "I did the thing!" (laughs)

    28. CW

      And now I can start. Yeah, exactly.

    29. NA

      Yeah.

    30. CW

      Yeah. What about the politeness?

  15. 20:40 – 22:00

    Canadian Queues

    1. NA

      (laughs)

    2. CW

      Is Canada quite procedural? Because one of the things that I see in the UK, we're quite orderly-

    3. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    4. CW

      ... we tend to, i- i- if you look at a queue of people outside, they'll all stand there kind of in a relatively orderly manner.

    5. NA

      Oh, you guys love to queue. You love it.

    6. CW

      Love a good queue. Yeah.

    7. NA

      I, I could just set up a queue anywhere and you guys would just line up for no reason.

    8. CW

      For nothing. Yeah.

    9. NA

      Yeah.

    10. CW

      I've always thought, I've always thought it'd be good if there was a queue appreciation society and people literally queued up for nothing and then high-fived at the end and went like, "That was awesome. We've gotta go again." And then just go back to the queue and then keep on doing that.

    11. NA

      That's fantastic.

    12. CW

      You can see that I've been a club promoter for a long time, that I love queues.

    13. NA

      Yeah. Que- queues ... I love that about you guys, that you love queues. Um, but Canadians, it was fantastic at the beginning of COVID that we were so procedural because I was there, and I saw the mass chaos in America. People fighting over groceries and stuff. And then I went to our grocery stores where everyone ... You didn't even have to ask them. They were lined up perfectly spaced out. There was a toilet paper display at the front with a joke on it, like, "Don't worry, we have lots." There's classical music playing in the grocery store to calm everyone down, and everyone's being extra polite. It was utopia. But, you know, six months in when we're realizing COVID isn't exactly what we were told, and I can't convince my friends otherwise because procedure, procedure. It's, "Oh, you can't think for yourself." That's a problem. That's a problem.

  16. 22:00 – 24:00

    Orderliness

    1. CW

      That's so interesting, 'cause we think all of the stuff that we're talking about here, something that's good or cool or interesting-

    2. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    3. CW

      ... has a dark side to it on the other end, right? Whether you're talking about-

    4. NA

      It does. (laughs)

    5. CW

      Yes. Yeah, precisely. Yeah. Uh, whether you're talking about the orderliness of the UK and Canada, which means that, at least in the beginning, it gives you more procedure, but then on the other side it makes you more compliant-

    6. NA

      Yeah.

    7. CW

      ... or the fact that in the UK and Canada you don't take yourself too seriously but you get tall poppy syndrome, or in America you get-

    8. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    9. CW

      It's like, it's like people, right? There's no one that you know that's got all of their attributes maxed out at 100. For every 100 that they've got, they've got something that compensates for it.

    10. NA

      Oh, for sure. I think that's what's great about people. And that's why I, I'm so against cancel culture, is, oh, we expect everyone to be perfect, to your likeness of perfection at all times. Got it, imperfect person. Got it. Like, I, I think of tweets, for example, that I wrote 10 years ago when I was on painkillers, har- like hardcore painkillers just to survive, and nerve damage and things. I tweeted crazy shit that I thought at the time made sense. Or when I-

    11. CW

      Roseanne Barr stuff? (laughs)

    12. NA

      Oh, probably. Roseanne should've never been canceled. That one really pissed me off. Um, but yeah, she was on drugs, and she didn't know that the woman who looked visibly white was Black. That's a really strange reason to cancel someone.

    13. CW

      (laughs)

    14. NA

      Uh, but with myself, when I was in a lot of physical or emotional pain, I would post negative things. And sometimes it would've been the same as I would've done in standup, that it's kind of like heckling the crowd back or, like, poke fun at the crowd. But I couldn't do that, so I'd do it on Twitter. And out of context, you can take anything out of context, and then label someone a horrible human being. So I just think it's, it's just stupid, and it's for people who completely lack grace or humanity to be trying to cancel people over anything.

  17. 24:00 – 28:06

    Back Injury

    1. NA

      My thoughts. (laughs)

    2. CW

      So you had this huge back injury, which is where that chronic pain for a long time came from.

    3. NA

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

    4. CW

      Can you tell us that story?

    5. NA

      Sure. Um ...2008. I was in the middle of shooting a feature film, my first that I was a larger role in, and I had a whole bunch of other ones booked. And my one night off, went to go do some karaoke, got out of a taxi, and we were rear-ended as I was halfway out of the cab. So, my body was completely twisted, I was halfway getting out, crossing my legs like a lady, and we got hit pretty hard from behind, which meant that my spine jutted into my nerves all the way down, 'cause I was twisted. And head injury, neck injuries, TMJ so bad, I was cracked-

    6. CW

      What's TMJ?

    7. NA

      ... uh, the, the joint in here, like the jaw pain where you clench so bad 'cause you're in a lot of pain or ... I don't know the exact word of it, everyone just ... TMJ. But it's, it's the jaw thing. So basically while I was sleeping I was in so much nerve pain and chronic pain that I was cracking my own teeth in my sleep and swallowing them. I know, disgusting. Yeah, I would wake up missing teeth. It was ... yeah. Bodies are strange. Um, my SI joint, like near your hips, it was crooked. Lower back pain was the worst, uh, because it shot down my feet and into my legs. And when you combine all of those things together ... and then from the neck it shoots down your arms, so I had claw hands for a long time. Uh, when you combine all of that plus the cognitive issues I had from the head injury, it was disaster for almost a decade. And I struggled to live, and then I struggled to work, I struggled to communicate, and then eventually I ended up on disability living at my grandma's house on the floor. And that's where I spent good part of seven years, which is crazy 'cause I lost a lot of my life. And I smile when I say this story now 'cause I s- I do think it's the best thing that ever happened to me. (laughs) Um, because I learned so much about getting back up, and I know that it's my legacy now, is that I went through all of that and wanting to commit suicide, not because I didn't want to keep going but because of the actual physical chronic pain. It's maddening. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Nerve pain is maddening. Waking up not knowing my address, not knowing where a purse ... why my purse is in the fridge, or just all ... it was, it was a trip. It's a trip when you have a head injury that bad, that you're in your head and you know you have a head injury. Like, my real voice was in there, and I'm like, "Nicole, you're not okay. That's fucked up. You just put your purse in the fridge. You're, you have a head injury." But then I couldn't function. Um, but I went through all these things, and I feel like I just had the last step in all of it recently, 'cause I had a surgery to remove the scar tissue from around my back. And I felt like a different person on that surgery table, and I had one of those weird surgery moments that people talk about, where I could just, like, feel the trauma coming off me, and it was very interesting. I decided to stay awake at the last second, and I was supposed to be put out, and I ... literally at the last second I was like, "You know, I think I wanna stay awake," and they'll just ... they orally sedated me instead, and I didn't watch what they were doing 'cause that's gross. But the doctor was, like, such a happy person, and the nurses were happy, and they were playing, like, rock music and pop music, like, super loud while they're operating. And just watching these really happy people that love their job take this stuff out of me, I just felt like I was finally closing a chapter, and I could literally feel it coming off of me, and I, I swear I could hear God. I don't know what you believe in, but I could hear God be like, "Okay, here you go. Let's go." And I was like, "Oh, shit. (laughs) It's go

  18. 28:06 – 28:54

    Procedures

    1. NA

      time."

    2. CW

      How many procedures have you had then, since the accident?

    3. NA

      That was my only operation, 'cause I said no to all of them. So, 'cause I knew that the downtime would be bananas. So, I did things like, like e- every treatment you can think of that wasn't surgery, I have done.

    4. CW

      What like?

    5. NA

      And I mean all of it. Uh, everything from, like, physio to nerve block injections, which I really think saved my life. Nerve blocks, have you ever done them? Um, so for those of you who don't know, uh, they take a needle, hopefully the one from Japan 'cause it's thin. It's about this long. And they inject you throughout your nerves with the same stuff that they put in your teeth at the dentist to freeze you. So, it's super painful to get it done, and you probably go into sh- there's a good chance you go into shock. I went into shock multiple times after it was done.

  19. 28:54 – 29:39

    Im awake

    1. NA

    2. CW

      They can't sedate you sufficiently to stop you from being able to feel that?

    3. NA

      Well, I'm awake when they do it. So, you're usually awake when you do it.

    4. CW

      Why?

    5. NA

      I had to do it so often. I don't know, that's just the way they did it.

    6. CW

      Okay.

    7. NA

      'Cause, yeah. I, I don't know. I didn't even get the option. No one in this clinic got the option of going under.

    8. CW

      Cool.

    9. NA

      But I'd go into this clinic, they'd be like, "Are you ready for this?" I'm like, "Let's go." It's like an X-Men hospital. And they would inject me throughout my body, and in my jaw, in my neck, and down my back and stuff. Uh, it was every three months for quite a while. Uh, s- closer together at the beginning, and then it would last a bit longer, a bit longer. But I had to mentally prepare to, okay, your body might go into shock.

  20. 29:39 – 34:43

    Shock

    1. NA

      Get ready. (laughs)

    2. CW

      What sh- what happens when you go into shock?

    3. NA

      You start shaking uncontrollably. My jaw would chatter. Um, like your whole body can convulse. They have to strap you to the gurney type of thing. Uh, but it's just 'cause you hit a level of physical pain that your body's just like, "We're tapping out." And then I, I think it, like, took me to a different level of consciousness actually, where I just interpret things differently now. And I, I wrote one full song that's gonna come out soon while that was happening. I wrote the whole thing in my head. I saw the music video, and it's gonna come out soon.... it was kinda cool. (laughs)

    4. CW

      Shit the bed. Okay. So, you're going through this, you managed to get yourself to the stage where, what, halfway through you were unable ... Th- there's no sort of future ahead? You don't think that you're gonna get any better?

    5. NA

      Thank you for leading me in this story, 'cause I'm really awful at telling it- (laughs)

    6. CW

      That's okay.

    7. NA

      ... 'cause there's so many details. Um, I got to the point where the doctors gave me a disability certificate for life, which is-

    8. CW

      They still have that?

    9. NA

      ... as well in Canada. No, I ripped it up.

    10. CW

      (laughs)

    11. NA

      I ripped it up-

    12. CW

      Okay.

    13. NA

      ... that day that I got pissed. Uh, it might be somewhere in my, like, in my documents, but I ripped it up-

    14. CW

      That's a pretty boss move.

    15. NA

      ... 'cause I was so mad. Thanks. Like, that was my moment of, "Fuck this. Fuck no." And, "I'm gonna get better." And they told me, like, it's really hard to get a disabilities cert- certificate in Canada, which means the government's gonna pay you for life, to live, because they don't believe you can have meaningful employment or do it consistently. And when I got that, I just, I lost my shit and I just went, "No, this is not, this is not my life. This is not the end of my life." And I took myself to a bookstore with the tiny little bit of money that I had that I scraped from inside of a couch and change from my purses, and I bought a Louise Hay book. Which, I had never heard of Louise Hay, and I just went, "You can heal your life. Okay, let's try that." And I got another Louise Hay book and a little candle, and I just went on this crazy journey of extreme positivity. I put sticky notes all over my entire house that were like, "You can do it. You look better every day. Your nerves are healing." Uh, "You're amazing," everywhere I could see them, so every time I'd have a negative thought, it would be automatically countered, and it works. Um, I remembered that I'm a cheerleader, which I know you've, you've seen a bit of my talk on that, is I wasn't a model anymore 'cause I couldn't model, I couldn't do acting, I couldn't do any of the things that I had known myself to be my whole life. But I'm a cheerleader, and that has nothing to do with my palms or dancing or anything. That's who I fucking am. And when I remembered that, I was like, "Let's go." Biggest cheer of my life. And I started literally cheering myself back to life and prepped myself that there will be bad days. For every good day I'd have, I'd have five to 10 bad days, and I'm ready for it. And I would have charts and I would give myself ticks for good things that I would do, and, "Okay, you did physio and you didn't pass out after. (claps) Yeah, you did." And I took out all the negativity. I stopped watching the news, no horror movies, no CSI, no negative podcasts, none of it. Cut it all out, flooded myself with motivation, positivity, inspiration, tons of sermons every single day, which I still do. And it started to work. And I did all the alternative therapies, but it was a mindset shift that I will not ... Also, this is so important for people, I fired, and I say fired because I believe you hire and fire your medical team. I fired every doctor who said I wouldn't get better, and I was like, "You're wrong." And then I left. And I only had people on my medical team who believed I could get better and who were supporting me in that journey. And I think we all need to do that. And I think doctors who tell people they won't get better need to not be doctors anymore, because it's a, a really big mental challenge to overcome when you hear it from a medical professional. And having a team around me that were like, "Okay, will you do this?" I went on a strict alkaline diet. Like, "Yep, let's do it." Inflammation went down. I started with all different kinds of supplements to help with my mind healing. I stopped looking at screens a lot during the day because my mind, literally my brain needed to heal. I did everything I had to do, and now I'm back. And yeah. Ha- having gone through that, like, I'm fireproof. I walked through the fire. So, I know we were maybe gonna talk about this, but when I get haters online, it, it can hurt my feels, my little girl feels for a second, but I'm like, "Bitch, I've been through real pain. This ain't it." (laughs) Like, "This is not real pain. I have been in shock. I have crushed my own teeth. You saying fake, untrue things about me to try and hurt my career 'cause you see me as a competitor does not do it. You will not stop me." And I, I think it's kinda cool that I've been through that and I can help other people get through their shit now, 'cause you can

  21. 34:43 – 36:07

    The Power of Depression

    1. NA

      do it. (laughs)

    2. CW

      It's one of the best ways to transcend suffering, right? You do, you go-

    3. NA

      Yeah.

    4. CW

      ... through something, it's terrible, it's awful, and then you realize, "Hang on a second. That's now set the bar for whatever, anything in future." This is what I say to people that suffer with depression. Like, look-

    5. NA

      Oh, yeah.

    6. CW

      ... if you've been really, really badly depressed and you've been the architect of your own misery, right? If-

    7. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    8. CW

      ... you've been your own torturer, you can walk out into the world and be essentially bulletproof. Because-

    9. NA

      Yeah.

    10. CW

      ... what's your boss going to be able to say to you that you haven't said to you a million times better?

    11. NA

      That's right. (snaps fingers) Ah. I just hit my head on the thing 'cause there's a clip in my hair.

    12. CW

      (laughs)

    13. NA

      Um, that's exactly what I say. I'm glad that was fun for you. Um, that's exactly what I say, is like, "Nobody on the internet, in the world, in anything, could say something to me that I haven't said to myself already. I've said it all. I believed it too. I laid on the ground for years in that hole, th- on a carpet that smelt like cat pee and I was like, "Ugh, this is my life now."" Nope. You got nothing. You got nothing on me. So, I think it's such a freaking superpower when people will take that moment and harness that superpower. Just harness ... I think depression is such a freaking gift if you can switch your mindset and look at it, because when you pull yourself through it, and I believe everybody can, I really do, then you're set. You're set. You can always go back to that and be like, "Oh, yeah. Remember when I overcame that huge thing? (clicks tongue) This is nothing." (laughs)

  22. 36:07 – 38:05

    Connecting with People

    1. NA

    2. CW

      Do you find it hard now to connect with people because of what you've been through? So, your worldview is changed quite profoundly-

    3. NA

      Yes.

    4. CW

      ... right? You go through this very extreme, intense experience-

    5. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    6. CW

      ... and then out the other side of that, you-... have to try and speak to people who haven't been through that, who haven't, or haven't been through something analogous to that, right, their own version-

    7. NA

      Hmm.

    8. CW

      ... of self-work and, and discomfort and stuff like that. Does it sometimes feel like you're talking on different levels? Some of the times that I see you talking to people, or some of the comments that I see you making online in some of the videos, I appreciate some of the places that you're coming from, and I also-

    9. NA

      Hmm.

    10. CW

      ... appreciate why other people don't necessarily get it.

    11. NA

      Yeah. Uh, my mind went in three places on that answer too. So, first one is, I believe on this playing field we call the Earth, we're in different grades. And it's just like school, and some people come here, and this time around, they're in kindergarten, and that's cool. They're generally happy. Their, their, their spirits are good. They're the last ones at the bar. They're drunk as fuck. They're falling over. They're happy people. They're fun to be around. There's some people who are coming here, and they're in grade eight, and there's some people who come here, and we're gonna be in university. We're, we're going through all the grades. For me to be in university and be mad at someone in grade six not understanding me talking about algebra is stupid on my part. Uh, will I try and communicate as best as I can to reach as many people as I can? Yes. But I can't reach everybody, and I'm okay with that. I'll do, I'll do my best. Maybe they'll like one of my dance videos, and that will inspire them 'cause they know I've had a hurt back, but now I'm dancing. But I don't, uh, I don't try and tailor myself to reach everybody 'cause I don't think that's authentic. And I'm not mad at people who don't get it. I'm genuinely not mad. And then, when it comes to, uh, you know, what we were just saying, uh, sorry, go back to, uh, you triggered something,

  23. 38:05 – 40:35

    Being in Trouble

    1. NA

      and then I switched-

    2. CW

      Connecting, so when you're connecting with people-

    3. NA

      Connecting, uh, yeah.

    4. CW

      ... yeah, and you sometimes struggle.

    5. NA

      It got me in trouble actually. So I woke up one day, and I was like, "Okay, I'm gonna start making these videos. I'm gonna start saying all the things that when I thought I was going to be dead or, or commit suicide that I wished the world knew, that the things that we fight about, the things that we lie about," which I think is the number one problem in life and in the world is we lie constantly, and then we get mad at our, at the results of our own lies. "I'm just gonna tell the truth, and I'm gonna tell it over and over and over on all these different topics back to fricking back to back and make it funny so it's more palatable, uh, because that's what I do." And I made my plan, and I started making these videos, and they hit viral, viral, viral. I knew they would too, but March of 2014, I believe it was, I took myself off disability against the doctor's orders. I'm like, "Don't send me a check. I'm not disabled anymore. Thank you very much." And then by September, I was the most viral comedian in history. So I had a major culture shock suddenly being back in the world. I hadn't been out of the house in a very long time, and then suddenly I was on The View. And suddenly I was at the Royal Palace performing, like, a private event. So that was, like, super culture shock for me. So that was one thing. That aside, I've gotten, I'm gonna say, in trouble a lot in the last few years because I automati- I can see everybody suffering. I can see it. I have a, a radar for it now. They don't have to tell me. I can feel it. Um, a guy recently was like, he's going for a run, and he's running this much today and running this much today, and I'm like, "So, what are you running to or from? I haven't decided," and he was just like ... He knew I knew, and I always know, and I've been around some gents in the last few years. I'll, I'm gonna say this as politely as I can where they had some pretty big issues that they were going through, and my automatic reaction was to say, "It's okay. I'll love you as a person anyway," and it bit me in the ass so hard every single time because I'd hang around people that I probably shouldn't have been around because I didn't want them to feel alone because I had felt alone when I went through stuff, when really, those people weren't in line morally or in integrity with who I am and what I wanna be about, but I just didn't want them to feel what I felt. So

  24. 40:35 – 42:02

    Hero Stories

    1. NA

      it got me in a lot of trouble.

    2. CW

      That's a really interesting insight. I think if you've been through dark places, depression or injury or whatever-

    3. NA

      Yeah.

    4. CW

      ... and you've come out the other side, you, that hero story inside of yourself is something that you want to see or inspire or initiate in other people.

    5. NA

      Yes.

    6. CW

      And that gives you faith, unwarranted faith sometimes-

    7. NA

      Yeah.

    8. CW

      ... that other people are going to be able to reenact that particular story.

    9. NA

      You're 100% correct. And actually, this is something that it first sparked when I was speaking with Jordan Peterson. I went, I was trying to, like, think of some things. I've had issues with dating and different stuff like that, and that's really what it boils down to, is I have this-

    10. CW

      Seeing the good in people that isn't there.

    11. NA

      Yeah. Yes. 100%. And refusing to be nasty in the face of nastiness, it, it can get me walked on, and I'm not doing it anymore, but that's exactly what it was. I saw the good in people that was not there because I, I, I hoped it was there, and I believe it probably was there at some point, and then it, the world knocked it out of them. But I can't save everybody. That's not my job. My job is to lead. Ah, conservatives, libertarians, listen to this part. My job is to lead in the direction that I would like the world to go, and those who want to follow me will come with me. That's what I'm gonna do now. (laughs)

  25. 42:02 – 44:29

    Physical Beauty

    1. NA

    2. CW

      Talking about the fact that you, uh, that you'd lost probably most of the things that you valued as a human, right? So your cognitive capacity, which was your, uh, cognitive nimbleness, your agility-

    3. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    4. CW

      ... your ability to come up with funny things and speech, your looks as a young girl who was cheerleading and modeling and dancing, looks-

    5. NA

      Oh, yeah.

    6. CW

      ... body, all of that sort of stuff, has that reframed the way that you see...... so physical beauty now. Do you judge physical attractiveness in a different way in yourself and in other people?

    7. NA

      Yes. And this is not a feel bad for me, but I'll explain the odd little spot that I'm in, is that the way that I look is such a juxtaposition to who I am and what people expect me to be based on the way I look, that it can kind of get tough. (laughs) Like, uh, when it comes to dating or friends or anything is, you know, people might assume I'm going to be a bitch, or I'm so, I care so much about these external things. Like, making up and hair is fun, but I really don't care. (laughs) Like, I, I care about people and I love people and I want to hang out and just be chill. And put on, like I told you, put on a baseball hat and go to the bar. Um, so that I actually think made it very different for me, because I was so superficial before. I, um, admittedly, I was superficial AF. I bought into all of it. I thought, "This is what I'm supposed to be like, look like." I fell into it a little bit in LA again, when I started to do well, because I'd spend eight hours getting ready to go to some awards show, and I'm like, "That was a waste of my day." Like, "For what?" I don't need to get my hair and makeup done by this top person and sit there for five hours. I don't give a crap. Put my hair in a bun. Sure, do my makeup lovely. This dress, awesome, thank you. Beautiful design, but I don't care. I, I don't want to be at the opening of every envelope to pretend I'm special. I, I don't care. I want to make cool shit. So it did change me in that way. And I don't, not I don't think, I know I'll never go back, because the things that people care about a lot, or we've been taught to care about, like superficial beauty and money just for having money, not for the, using it as a tool that it is, uh, l- l- like, things, objects, I don't care, and I, and it's hard to convince other people otherwise when they've been kind of brainwashed into putting their value with the value of the things that they have.

  26. 44:29 – 46:54

    Archetypes

    1. NA

    2. CW

      The juxtaposition's an interesting insight, right? So I did reality TV. I was on the first season of Love Island here in the UK, and a club promoter and Blue Tick on Twitter and feed Charcoal Toothpaste and all that sort of stuff.

    3. NA

      Yeah.

    4. CW

      Um, and still now, people that watch me on Love Island don't understand what I do my podcast about and think that it's a gossip channel. And then people that know that I've done the podcast don't believe that I was on Love Island. So it's so bizarre how people r-

    5. NA

      Whoa. How dare you? (laughs)

    6. CW

      I, well, yeah, I know, like how could you not be the person that you were four years ago?

    7. NA

      Yeah.

    8. CW

      It's so weird how people rely on archetypes, right? So ...

    9. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    10. CW

      We watch TV shows and the nerd has glasses and the villain wears black and the hero has big muscles. Why do they do that? It's so that they can shortcut you having to understand multiple things about someone. They're just this perfect pigeonhole cliche of a human. You know one thing about them, and from that one thing, you can accurately extrapolate everything else that there is to know about them.

    11. NA

      Yep.

    12. CW

      One of the problems that you come up against is when you have somebody who's been an ex-model or done reality TV, but now wants to talk about whether aliens are real, or somebody that used to be a cheer-

    13. NA

      Uh, obviously, they're already here. (laughs)

    14. CW

      Uh, well, we'll wait and see. This 60 Minute thing needs to finish up first. Uh, or somebody that used to be a cheerleader and now wants to talk about politics. It is ...

    15. NA

      Yeah.

    16. CW

      That contradiction is interesting to some people, but it, it's off-putting to others as well.

    17. NA

      It is, but are we going to shrink? That's not fun. I, I was shrunk for most of my life, and admittedly, I have shrunk again multiple times since my car accident. Even getting better, because I, I was like, "Oh, I'm being too much." Or I'd have agents or managers or whatever be like, "You can't be this, plus this, plus this, plus this." Well, guess what I fucking am. Guess what? I'm releasing music and it sounds like Linkin Park. And my other music, I rap, and it sounds more like a Gwen Stefani type of thing. And I do comedy, and I'm gonna talk about politics. And if you can't handle a well-rounded person, that's probably a reflection of you, not me. So whatever. Like, we're on this ride, why aren't we gonna ride it? Everybody should do that. Uh, I've been shrinking and I, I don't wanna do it anymore. It's not fun. I think that's why we get depressed too, is we're trying to fit into these little shells of humans that we're told to be, and then we're like, "Oh, why am I depressed?" Well, 'cause you're not being you, asshole. That's why. It's like pretty easy.

  27. 46:54 – 50:52

    Dealing with criticism

    1. NA

      (laughs)

    2. CW

      I think you're right. You were talking earlier on about some of the criticism and feedback that you get online.

    3. NA

      Right.

    4. CW

      Obviously, both good and bad.

    5. NA

      Yeah.

    6. CW

      What are some of the lessons or insights or tools that you've learned to be able to deal with that feedback? Because it's something that you care about, right? No matter how many, uh, awful situations you've been through.

    7. NA

      Yep.

    8. CW

      When you put something out that you have put some effort into and you get criticism-

    9. NA

      Yes.

    10. CW

      ... you're going to notice it. So how do you deal with it?

    11. NA

      Again, twofold answer. First, I would say when I get criticism, I go, one, is this true? Is, is what they're saying about me, tr- is it a criticism of what I do for a living or is it a personal attack? If it's a personal attack, is it true? No. Okay, then I don't care. Then this is a reflection of that human, not me. Um, why would they be coming at me? Oh, they heard that I have my own show coming out. They think I'm gonna be a competition, they're trying to cut my legs off. Got it. Or like, you know, take out my, my credibility. I get it. Shady, but I get it. Um, and then, you know, if it is true what they're saying, then there's something for me to learn within that. And that's dope. Thank you. Even if you said it in a dick way, thank you. Because I grew up with hardcore gymnastics coaches, ballet teachers from Russia. Tough love is what I'm used to. So that's cool. So is it true or not? And then you decide from there. Um, when it comes to criticism of my art, you're more than welcome to. Sure. Yeah. I know that the loudest boos do come from the cheap seats, so that's one thing. But if you don't like what I do, that's cool. Go find someone that you do like. It doesn't bother me, 'cause I like what I'm doing, and everything I do isn't gonna be the best thing I've ever done, and that's okay too. Uh, Beethoven's first song probably wasn't that great. That's okay. We only talk about the hits, you know? So I had a video a couple years back, uh, This is America ...And I redid Donald Glover's This is America. I, like, did my own, like, parody, but really just, like, a different version of it. I was like, "Whoa, what would it look like to take this exact thing, pivot it this way about women?" People lost their shit. They were like, "That's racist. You're taking away from the message of This is America." There was all this crazy negative press about me. TMZ, of all people, came in and, like, rescued me, and they were like, "She's not racist. She just made a video. We don't like it. Whatever."

    12. CW

      Thanks, TMZ. (laughs)

    13. NA

      You know? Like, of all the people who came to help, it was TMZ, which I thought was fricking cool of them. Um, they've actually done that a couple times over the years. Uh, but then I, and I started to take it in. I started being like, "Oh my God, I did a bad thing. I was racist. I'm whatever." Wh- and I talked to black people. I literally went up to strangers in restaurants, I'm like, "Hey, can I ask you a question, group of black people? Hi, I'm Nicole. Would th- is this offensive to you? I made a remix of this song." And they were like, "No." I'm like, "All right, cool." And then I went and I, I literally surveyed random black people in LA, because this is the kind of person I am, and nobody said it was offensive. One person was like, "Oh, I see how maybe people could get upset because it's about the history of black people in America." They were like, "It was probably just too soon." Turns out they were right. It was just too soon. Hundreds of other remixes and parodies came out, so many that Billboard made a list of the top 10 remakes of This is America.

    14. CW

      Why did you come-

    15. NA

      It was my... They didn't put me on the list.

    16. CW

      (laughs)

    17. NA

      I was the only female who did it, I was the first person who did it, and I had the most views on my video, and I took all the heat. Wasn't even on the list.

    18. CW

      (laughs)

    19. NA

      Yeah. Oh, but this is, this place is okay, this is, this thing is okay. Should the song have been mixed properly? Heck yeah, the song was trash.

    20. CW

      (laughs)

    21. NA

      But the idea was fricking genius, and the video quality was great. So, yeah, I learned some lessons from it. But what I really learned was I've been ahead of the curve a bunch of times, and then I take all the heat for it, and then other people come in after and whatever, so...

  28. 50:52 – 52:07

    First mover advantage

    1. NA

      (laughs)

    2. CW

      That's an interesting thing as well. First mover advantage doesn't really exist in the content creation industry.

    3. NA

      Mm-mm.

    4. CW

      Almost anyone that I know that's in content creation doesn't care about being first, because the person-

    5. NA

      No.

    6. CW

      ... that's going to be first will make a ton of mistakes, and then fourth maybe or fifth, you can iterate on that, make a few adjustments, let the first person trail blaze, catch... Yeah, maybe that first person will get a little bit more press attention, but-

    7. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    8. CW

      ... their content quality is going to be so much lower than yours. And then when you can come in and make it, no one cares about the fact that an LG phone has a bigger megapixel camera because Apple comes in and they do it right. They don't do it first.

    9. NA

      Yes.

    10. CW

      They just do it best, right?

    11. NA

      Yes.

    12. CW

      Another thing to do with, um, people getting, uh, you allowing criticism to bounce off you because you're doing something that you really truly enjoy.

    13. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    14. CW

      I think that one of the reasons that some people get triggered by criticism is when they're doing something that they know isn't their true calling, when they're-

    15. NA

      Ooh.

    16. CW

      ... trying to be somebody that they're not-

    17. NA

      Yeah.

    18. CW

      ... their concern is, "Fuck, I've put so much energy into this persona, and it's not working." Like I-

    19. NA

      Ooh.

    20. CW

      ... I, I may-

    21. NA

      You are preaching.

    22. CW

      (laughs)

    23. NA

      Yo, that's true. That's just, that's facts. Yep.

    24. CW

      But

  29. 52:07 – 54:17

    Being the true self

    1. CW

      they do all of this work-

    2. NA

      Right.

    3. CW

      ... and it's like an Easter egg, right? You wrap it around, but it's hollow in the middle. You hit it with a little bit of pressure, and it breaks. So-

    4. NA

      Yeah.

    5. CW

      ... that's why I think the people that you can tell that are, in Jordan Peterson language, speaking their logos forward, right, they're being their true selves, speaking their truth, when they're doing something that truly is them, it's like, well, okay, so the foundations of that are always going to be deeper than you pretending, someone else trying to be Nicole Arbour or someone else trying to be Chris Williamson. That's just-

    6. NA

      Yeah.

    7. CW

      That's never going to feel as strong or as stable as just doing what you're supposed to do.

    8. NA

      Exactly. Which is why when I do get criticism, and I get it today, I'll get it tomorrow, I'll get it in five years from now, it's fine. When I get criticism, I go, "All right. What, you think I'm gonna shrink? I'm not gonna shrink and stop being me. I'm just gonna shine brighter." Every time, it's all, I, like, I feel like the more punches I take, the more, more hits I know how to take. And then I just go into the world, and I shine brighter, because if someone says something negative about me, like, "Oh, she's a mean person," or, "She's a bitch," or whatever, the way that I live my life will be proving that differently. So I don't worry about it. Eventually, those people will see me as who I am. So I don't care. Uh, if they don't like my content, that's a different story, and I wish you well and find someone that you love, because life's too short to watch shit you don't like. Um, but it, it just, it really doesn't need to bother you. But what I think people forget, and I'm actually writing about this in my book right now, is that there's gonna be haters. It's gonna happen. It's, it's not possible for it not to happen. And the greater the risk that you're taking in your content, in your life, in who you declare yourself to be publicly, the more hate there will be, period. And that's just the formula. It has nothing to do with you. So stop being so egotistical. Take yourself out of the equation. This is life, fucking get over it. And that's it. And then you can deal with it when you know it's gonna come. It's just like, your muscles are gonna hurt after a workout. You're building muscle, so you know it's gonna come. Deal with it. You don't cry and quit 'cause your muscles hurt after a workout. Give it a couple days,

  30. 54:17 – 56:14

    Team

    1. NA

      go again.

    2. CW

      How much is your team, professionally, and your friends around you, how much are they a buttress to assist you with periods of low motivation and dealing with criticism and stuff like that?

    3. NA

      There are a very tight...... crew around me, like a very, very select few. I would actually say Danelle Delgado. I'm not sure if you know her. Uh, she is freaking incredible. She's known as the millionaire maker. She takes businesses from zero to a million, like, like, fricking that. Uh, really good friend of mine and she, if I do have a low period, where I can just call her and she gets me back in five minutes. Um, Tim Grover has cheered for me multiple times in amazingly different ways, i- in a way that only Tim Grover can. I'm talking, like, a single sentence text where it's kind of like a, it's a bitch slap. It's like, you know, kind of like, "Are you gonna give up?" And I'm like, "Oh, fu- fine, Tim." You know? Like, okay. Like, he'll, he'll be like, you know, he'll be like, "Step on their throats." I'm like, "You're right. Let's go." Uh, there's a couple select people that are in my tight, tight personal crew too, but I find that I'm mostly having to cheer the other people up around me. And I, I get a lot of guilt when there's hate at me, um, I feel guilty for the people around me 'cause I can see it hurts them, and they can't take the hits the way that I can 'cause they haven't been in the ring training the way that I have. So, you know, even in dating, like, throughout being famous, famish, whatever you wanna call it, um, I feel like I've had to console people that I've dated when other people say negative things about me because it hurts their feelings. 'Cause they know who I am and they're like, "Hey, that's not..." whatever, but they can't spend their whole day proving wrong. And I'm just like, "It's okay. Don't worry." Like, "It's okay. I'm really sorry that this hurts you. I'm gonna step away so that you don't feel this because I can see it affects you." And, yeah, that's, that's kind of how I deal

  31. 56:14 – 57:46

    Dating Lessons

    1. NA

      with it. (laughs)

    2. CW

      What lessons do you wish you'd known about dating a few years ago?

    3. NA

      It's different for me because of what I do for a living, but I wish if I were much younger, I would have focused more on my career first. I have spent a lot of time, when I think about it, like, dating lots of guys 'cause, like, that's what was cool. Like, "Nicole, how many guys are you dating," whatever. What a waste of time. I got some good material, but what a waste of time. And I would say now I wish I could tell... I guess I can right now. I wish I could tell guys and girls that when you date someone and it doesn't work out, like if you're looking for an actual partner, you have to move on. I see every day, like this is, like, a Nicole observation of pain with my little da-da-da that I have now. It really hurts people that people have a trail of everyone they've banged in the last five years behind them only, like, one step behind them, and it's like you're introducing the new girl that you're dating to 30 other girls you hooked up with in the last year. What are you doing? Or you're liking all the other girls' bikini photos that you've been hooking up with the last few years. What do you think that's gonna do to your current or future relationship? And it's not about jealousy. It's about integrity and romance and fostering something new. Like, that didn't work. Let it go. You don't have to hate them, but you're spoiling everything else. You're putting mold on the new bread. What are you doing?

  32. 57:46 – 1:02:51

    Hormones

    1. CW

      How much of that do you-

    2. NA

      And I see this every day.

    3. CW

      How much of that do you think is just guys and girls being pricks in their 20s though? Because I see a lot-

    4. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    5. CW

      ... of people hit 30s and this ego game in relationships-

    6. NA

      Yes.

    7. CW

      ... tends to drop away. Hormones are a hell of a fucking drug.

    8. NA

      Right? So true. Um, I feel like it's being... I think it's getting worse actually because it's being, being toxic is being promoted as, like, cool and trendy. And I don't know if you see it. It's all over TikTok.

    9. CW

      Clapping back.

    10. NA

      Yeah. Clap back. It's all over TikTok. It's, "Oh, I'm gonna bang all his friends 'cause he liked this girl's photo," or he whatever, or, like, always have a side dick, always have a side chick, like, just in case they screw up. It's promoted as, like, cool in culture now. It's not cool. I don't think degrading other people is cool. I don't think making someone feel unspecial is cool. That's the opposite of what we're supposed to be doing here. Sure, there's that, you know, that thing we all go through, the hormone raging, whatevs. But as you're moving on in life, it's not cool to not be cool to people. I don't like it. And we really, again, the way to combat it is with our actual efforts and to show healthy relationships and to show, um, you know, being a good person and having a good relationship is okay and that's cool too. And you're allowed to have fights and you're allowed to have disagreements and you're allowed to move forward together, and you don't have to have a big blowup every time. And that's, that's what I think.

    11. CW

      There's a thought experiment-

    12. NA

      (laughs)

    13. CW

      ... that Bret Weinstein did with Heather Haying on Rogan a couple of years ago.

    14. NA

      Ooh.

    15. CW

      And he said, "Can you imagine someone who is hot but not beautiful?" And then, "Can you imagine someone that is beautiful but not hot?" And the distinction between the two is what we signal on when we're younger. We signal off hotness, right? With the very easy to observe signals of fitness, adaptive-

    16. NA

      Yeah.

    17. CW

      ... evolutionary fitness, right?

    18. NA

      Yeah.

    19. CW

      Um, but beauty is something that's timeless. It doesn't wane with age. It actually increases with age. It's grace, it's poise, it's loyalty.

    20. NA

      Mm-hmm.

    21. CW

      It's kindness, it's peace, it's so on and so forth.

    22. NA

      Yeah.

    23. CW

      And that actually can manifest in the way that people move. You can see the girls... Here's one for you. Any girl that wears a, one of those kind of, like, suit jacket things that they wear on nights out over the top of a dress but without their arms in the sleeves-

    24. NA

      Right.

    25. CW

      Every single one of them is going to start a fight. Every single one of them's a bitch. So-

    26. NA

      Yeah. (laughs)

    27. CW

      That's a signal. That's a signal. (laughs)

    28. NA

      Exactly. Oh my gosh, that's a great observation. You're right. Wow.

    29. CW

      When you stand on the lot of nightclub doors you see things like this. So yeah, stuff like that, right? You see people in the way that they hold themselves, in the way that they move, and you're like, "I can tell something about you outwardly reflects something that is emerging from you inwardly." And, um-Yeah, that beauty and hotness thing, I often think people just get that backward. And I understand, like I, you know, went through my 20s. I made the mistakes. But-

    30. NA

      Yeah, I've seen you in your bikini photos too, (laughs) on your Instagram.

Episode duration: 1:02:56

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