Overcoming War, PTSD & Elective Amputation | BT Urruela

1. 0:00 – 3:24

   Why BT’s story hits differently (speaking to creatives vs veterans)

   1. CWChris Williamson0:00

      (music plays) BT, man.

   2. BUBT Urruela0:15

      Yes.

   3. CWChris Williamson0:15

      Thank you very much for coming on. I, I really appreciate it.

   4. BUBT Urruela0:18

      My pleasure, Chris. Absolutely.

   5. CWChris Williamson0:20

      Um, it's probably been two years since I've wanted to get you to sit down and, and have a discussion. So-

   6. BUBT Urruela0:27

      And here we are. (laughs)

   7. CWChris Williamson0:28

      Here we are, in the same, in the same hotel, on the same week.

   8. BUBT Urruela0:31

      I know, right?

   9. CWChris Williamson0:31

      Um, bit of poetic justice there, right?

   10. BUBT Urruela0:34

       Yes.

   11. CWChris Williamson0:34

       So yeah, I, I got to hear you, um... I turned up late. My luggage arrived a day late. I had to run upstairs and come downstairs to this black tie ball thing that we had two years ago here. And then kind of burst into the room and sat down as this guy got up and stood up, and it was you, and you were about to give this big speech. And I was, like, totally unprepared, like wholly unprepared.

   12. BUBT Urruela0:59

       (laughs)

   13. CWChris Williamson0:59

       And I guess, like... 'Cause that was just after you'd done your TV thing as well, right?

   14. BUBT Urruela1:03

       Yep. Mm-hmm.

   15. CWChris Williamson1:03

       And so I... Your notoriety was probably riding moderately high and then, uh, being in this community of authors, everyone would have had an idea of what was gonna be said. And then you just unloaded this story-

   16. BUBT Urruela1:16

       Yeah.

   17. CWChris Williamson1:16

       And I was like, totally... You know, like s- you... Someone racks a bar with weights that you don't know what it is, you step underneath it and you're like, "Oh my God, this is really fucking heavy."

   18. BUBT Urruela1:24

       Yeah, "What did I do?" (laughs)

   19. CWChris Williamson1:24

       "Yeah... No, no, no, too much, too much." And, uh, yeah, man, I got, I got blown away by that.

   20. BUBT Urruela1:30

       Well, and the weird part was that at that part two years ago, you know, I had told my story w- with Vet Sports I had co-founded in 2012, so telling my story had become a thing over the years. But by that point within the community, it hadn't been a thing yet, you know?

   21. CWChris Williamson1:44

       Okay.

   22. BUBT Urruela1:44

       People knew the basis of my story. They knew I was a combat wounded veteran, stuff like that. But they never knew the eccentricities of my entire life and so that's what I wanted to do with that speech, was just kind of lay it all out there.

   23. CWChris Williamson1:55

       Mm-hmm.

   24. BUBT Urruela1:55

       And then kind of just give them the whole narrative, and...

   25. CWChris Williamson1:58

       How, how different does it feel giving the speech to the industry that you're in now, which is authors, versus the industry that you were in or that you, you're associated with, which is veterans?

   26. BUBT Urruela2:10

       I... Well, so that's actually different than what I usually do. I don't talk to a lot of veterans, unfortunately. I talk to veterans, but it's more c- c- conversationally.

   27. CWChris Williamson2:18

       Got you.

   28. BUBT Urruela2:18

       It's not giving them, you know, a speech or whatever.

   29. CWChris Williamson2:20

       Yeah.

   30. BUBT Urruela2:21

       So the difference is, where I'm at is, that speech was for my peers in the romance community, right?
2. 3:24 – 5:39

   Escaping a traumatic childhood and choosing the Army

   1. BUBT Urruela3:24

      I, I honestly don't even know. Uh, that's the weird part, 'cause I touched on everything with that speech. Um, I had a real fucked up childhood, real bad childhood, and a lot of abuse, uh, of, of every variety. And so when I hit about s- 15, I, i- it was that point where I was like, "I need to do something. I need to get the fuck outta here. I have to get outta here."

   2. CWChris Williamson3:43

      Where was growing up? Where'd you grow up?

   3. BUBT Urruela3:44

      St. Louis, Missouri is where I was born and raised.

   4. CWChris Williamson3:46

      Okay.

   5. BUBT Urruela3:47

      And so I had a lot of, um, members of my family in the military. Um, I... And I also attributed to this as well Saving Private Ryan. I... When I watched that movie at 14 and I saw what those men did on, uh, D-Day, I was so profoundly moved by, by their strength that that was that point where I was like, "I need to do that." You know? I, I felt I owed it to them. So at 18, I ended up joining the army, the army infantry, shipped off to Fort Benning, Georgia. Uh, went through basic training, graduated, went to Germany, trained up for a year, and then ended up in Iraq, which-

   6. CWChris Williamson4:21

      What years? What years this? What we talking now?

   7. BUBT Urruela4:22

      So 2004 was basic training. 2005 was Germany training up for Iraq-

   8. CWChris Williamson4:27

      Okay.

   9. BUBT Urruela4:27

      ... and then 2006 was Iraq.

   10. CWChris Williamson4:29

       So you're right in the middle of it?

   11. BUBT Urruela4:31

       Yeah. Oh, yeah. So yeah, 2006 was, uh, the worst year in Iraq, actually, uh, in terms of death.

   12. CWChris Williamson4:36

       With re- by what metric? Okay. By-

   13. BUBT Urruela4:37

       Yes. In terms of, uh, KIA and then also wounded, um, it was-

   14. CWChris Williamson4:40

       Why?

   15. BUBT Urruela4:41

       ... non-stop. Why? So what happened with Iraq was we... It's kind of, uh, complicated, complicated, but General, um... Hold on. Colin Powell-

   16. CWChris Williamson4:53

       Yep.

   17. BUBT Urruela4:53

       ... said at the beginning of the Iraq war that, "We need to close off the borders. We need to close off the borders because what we're gonna do is have a free-for-all. We're an, uh... Invading Iraq and if we do not protect these borders, you're gonna have every swinging dick-"

   18. CWChris Williamson5:05

       Yep.

   19. BUBT Urruela5:05

       "... from the Middle East coming in to fight us."

   20. CWChris Williamson5:07

       Reinforcements.

   21. BUBT Urruela5:08

       Yep. Guess what happened? Almost everyone we had killed or captured was not Iraqi, but from some other Middle Eastern country.

   22. CWChris Williamson5:14

       Th- was a roundabout.

   23. BUBT Urruela5:16

       That came in. They were, they were like, "Hell yeah."

   24. CWChris Williamson5:18

       (laughs)

   25. BUBT Urruela5:18

       "They're bringing the fight to us, let's go."

   26. CWChris Williamson5:20

       (laughs)

   27. BUBT Urruela5:20

       It's like fucking Red Dawn, Middle Eastern style.

   28. CWChris Williamson5:22

       Yeah.

   29. BUBT Urruela5:23

       And so yeah. I mean, they came in and it was just hell. I mean, it was absolute hell and then you had Iran backing them with, uh, weaponry. What I got hit with was called a EFP, explosively formed projectile.

   30. CWChris Williamson5:33

       Mm-hmm.
3. 5:39 – 8:50

   Becoming infantry: identity, purpose, and brotherhood

   1. CWChris Williamson5:39

      So let's roll it back. So you've gone through your basic training.

   2. BUBT Urruela5:42

      Okay.

   3. CWChris Williamson5:42

      How did you feel? How, how... Were you, were you excited to go out there? Were you nervous?

   4. BUBT Urruela5:46

      Oh, fuck yeah.

   5. CWChris Williamson5:46

      Were you-

   6. BUBT Urruela5:46

      Yeah, yeah.

   7. CWChris Williamson5:46

      You were ready to go?

   8. BUBT Urruela5:47

      Yeah, yeah. I joined... I mean, I literally... When I went... And MEPS is where you go to, like, uh, sign up and you s- do your paperwork and you get your physical and all that stuff. So I went in there and, you know, c- came time to ch- pick your job. And so you take an ASVAB test, which k- it kind of dictates what jobs you can get.

   9. CWChris Williamson6:02

      Okay.

   10. BUBT Urruela6:02

       So as long as you score 110 on your GT...

   11. CWChris Williamson6:04

       Is that like an aptitude test?

   12. BUBT Urruela6:05

       Pretty much, aptitude test.

   13. CWChris Williamson6:07

       Fine.

   14. BUBT Urruela6:07

       And, uh, as long as you score 110 on the main part of it, you can have any job. And I scored 110, so I had all these job options. And we're going through them all and I look at the lady and I'm like-... who are the guys that go in and like kick in the doors and shit and raid houses?

   15. CWChris Williamson6:19

       (laughs)

   16. BUBT Urruela6:19

       And she's like, "Oh, that's infantry." I'm like, "Yeah, I wanna do that."

   17. CWChris Williamson6:22

       Yeah.

   18. BUBT Urruela6:22

       And, uh, she's like, "Are you sure?" She's like, "There's like a lot of other jobs here. There's intelligent..." I'm like, "Yes."

   19. CWChris Williamson6:28

       Would you, would you have been able to be infantry at like a- a 105 or a- a 100?

   20. BUBT Urruela6:32

       Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

   21. CWChris Williamson6:33

       Oh, okay.

   22. BUBT Urruela6:33

       So, infantry's the one where if you score a frickin' 85, you're going infantry.

   23. CWChris Williamson6:37

       Okay.

   24. BUBT Urruela6:37

       You're infantry or cook. Those are your two choices.

   25. CWChris Williamson6:38

       So it's like the, it's like the lowest common denominator.

   26. BUBT Urruela6:40

       The lowest of the low. Yeah.

   27. CWChris Williamson6:40

       Right. Okay.

   28. BUBT Urruela6:41

       Which is why she was like, "Uh, are you sure?"

   29. CWChris Williamson6:43

       You've pitched yourself here super high, but you're actually-

   30. BUBT Urruela6:45

       Exactly. That's what I wanted to fucking do. I wanted to fight. That, that's the only thing I wanted to do. So yeah, I was, I was amped. Absolutely amped. Basic training for me was life changing. Um, I went in a boy, came out a man. Like there's no better like better way to say that than that.
4. 8:50 – 12:01

   Iraq 2006: why it was so deadly and what the fight looked like

   1. BUBT Urruela8:50

      but definitely tough physically as well. I mean, you're- you're ... They're trying to get you with that training. You're out a month at a time, right? And you're staying in tents and it's pretty much just like Iraq's gonna be 'cause they want you to feel it.

   2. CWChris Williamson9:00

      Mm-hmm.

   3. BUBT Urruela9:00

      They want you to f- y-

   4. CWChris Williamson9:01

      It's pointless, it's pointless having you s- the sensation of 50%. You need to have felt-

   5. BUBT Urruela9:06

      Right?

   6. CWChris Williamson9:06

      ... 110% and then-

   7. BUBT Urruela9:08

      Y- if you're playing for the NFL, you're gonna go straight from college into your first game?

   8. CWChris Williamson9:11

      (laughs)

   9. BUBT Urruela9:11

      Or are you gonna fucking practice?

   10. CWChris Williamson9:12

       Yeah. Okay.

   11. BUBT Urruela9:13

       So, we practiced our ass off and, uh, that meant, you know, months at a time staying in tents, fucking no entertainment, working 12-hour days. It w- it was rough, but it also obviously when you get to combat, you're like, "Oh, okay. I get it."

   12. CWChris Williamson9:25

       Yeah.

   13. BUBT Urruela9:25

       You want to feel second nature.

   14. CWChris Williamson9:26

       I needed, I needed this.

   15. BUBT Urruela9:27

       Yep. So, uh, so we ended up, uh, deploying. I got to Iraq. Again, scared for sure. You know, anybody who goes to a combat zone is, is nervous, scared, but excited. Man, excited. I'll never forget driving up from Kuwait. We, uh, did a, a mi- middle of the night, uh, convoy from Kuwait to Baghdad.

   16. CWChris Williamson9:44

       Was this in like big Humvees?

   17. BUBT Urruela9:45

       Uh-huh. And a r- long row of Humvees.

   18. CWChris Williamson9:47

       Yeah.

   19. BUBT Urruela9:47

       You know, I'm in the gunner's turret just looking around just like ... And I didn't know, bro. Like there was, there weren't bad areas we were driving through, but I didn't know. So I'm up there like, "Yeah, come on, come on, come on, come on."

   20. CWChris Williamson9:56

       (laughs)

   21. BUBT Urruela9:57

       GI fucking Joe.

   22. CWChris Williamson9:58

       Man, so I think definitely for me, like the ... As a, as a Brit, our stereotype of a American infantry guy would be exactly that. Like, "Yeah! Get some!"

   23. BUBT Urruela10:10

       Oh, dude. H- hard on straight up, yeah.

   24. CWChris Williamson10:12

       (laughing) Yeah, just-

   25. BUBT Urruela10:13

       You should see us in firefight 24/7.

   26. CWChris Williamson10:14

       ... 24 direction.

   27. BUBT Urruela10:14

       Literally in a, in a dur- middle of a firefight when n- normal everyday people would be like freaking out, you're like, "Yeah! Get them, motherfuckers!"

   28. CWChris Williamson10:23

       Oh my gosh. (laughs)

   29. BUBT Urruela10:23

       Weird, bro. It's weird, man. It's weird. You don't ... It's ... You don't view death normally when you're over there. You don't see it as something that can actually happen. It's weird. You know it is.

   30. CWChris Williamson10:33

       Yeah.
5. 12:01 – 14:30

   First IED hit: route clearance, slow-motion shock, and learning the rules of combat

   1. BUBT Urruela12:01

      We've arrived and that's actually the funny part of my story is that three weeks in I got hit by my first IED. So, we had been on a bunch of missions and stuff like that, um, up to that point and-

   2. CWChris Williamson12:12

      What's a mission? So you tell me.

   3. BUBT Urruela12:13

      So going out, uh, at that point it was route cl- route clearance.

   4. CWChris Williamson12:17

      Okay.

   5. BUBT Urruela12:17

      So what we would do is literally just drive five miles a fricking hour up and down the roads looking for IEDs.

   6. CWChris Williamson12:22

      Okay.

   7. BUBT Urruela12:22

      And if we found something that was a poten- potential IED, we'd call EOD, EOD comes out, checks it out. It- it's-

   8. CWChris Williamson12:28

      What's the vehicle that you were in?

   9. BUBT Urruela12:30

      That was a Humvee.

   10. CWChris Williamson12:30

       Okay.

   11. BUBT Urruela12:31

       I was always in the Humvee and then I had three, uh, missions in a, driving a Bradley, which was cool. Tank. Big-ass tank. Yeah.

   12. CWChris Williamson12:37

       Okay. Nice.

   13. BUBT Urruela12:38

       Mm-hmm. So yeah, we were coming in from one of those missions and things had been calm to that point.

   14. CWChris Williamson12:44

       Had you seen any action by this point?

   15. BUBT Urruela12:45

       Nope.

   16. CWChris Williamson12:45

       Okay.

   17. BUBT Urruela12:45

       No action yet at all. Three weeks in, and then we, uh, we take the road t- turn onto the road to go in- onto the base, and then (imitates explosion) blew up. We hit my vehicle. It was a- it was a- about a mid-range one, so it didn't, it didn't breach the vehicle, but the windshield completely shattered. It did breach the side, uh, the- my, uh, TC, who's the passenger side, it came through his window and went into his helmet, like right at the top. He actually-

   18. CWChris Williamson13:12

       Oh, wow.

   19. BUBT Urruela13:12

       ... kept his helmet and the goggles he had, because they are lined with shrapnel and he didn't get hurt at all.

   20. CWChris Williamson13:17

       No way.

   21. BUBT Urruela13:17

       But that was-

   22. CWChris Williamson13:18

       Where were yous? (overlapping)

   23. BUBT Urruela13:19

       I was driving.

   24. CWChris Williamson13:20

       Okay. And it was on the off side?

   25. BUBT Urruela13:21

       It was on the, yeah, opposite side.

   26. CWChris Williamson13:23

       Yeah. Okay.

   27. BUBT Urruela13:23

       So yeah, that was eye-opener. That was, "Hey, welcome to Iraq, buddy." You know? (laughs)

   28. CWChris Williamson13:26

       How- how did the- the heart rate go?

   29. BUBT Urruela13:28

       I- I- it was- it was insane. It was unlike anything I've ever felt, obviously until the other IED. But it- things slowed down. It was- everything was slow motion. You know how they, you know, see it in movies and you hear people say it, but it's-

   30. CWChris Williamson13:41

       (zooming sound)
6. 14:30 – 16:53

   Losses mount: stages of combat and the no-reflection problem

   1. BUBT Urruela14:30

      So we had our first one, and that was that. And then, you know, we spent another year there in lots of firefights, lots of, uh, uh, you know, again, some smaller IEDs. We lost some guys, unfortunately. Um, w- we ended up losing our first two guys, uh, April Fool's Day, actually.

   2. CWChris Williamson14:46

      No way.

   3. BUBT Urruela14:46

      April Fool's Day. It was, um, couple weeks after I got hit and they were dismounted and got hit by an IED, and, uh, one of us died.

   4. CWChris Williamson14:55

      Dismounted as in (overlapping)

   5. BUBT Urruela14:56

      Out of the Humvee.

   6. CWChris Williamson14:57

      Okay.

   7. BUBT Urruela14:58

      And then, uh, yeah, so that- that's another one that was kind of like... It's weird 'cause it's like stages in combat, you know?

   8. CWChris Williamson15:03

      Yeah.

   9. BUBT Urruela15:03

      You- you got your first introduction to combat, and then you- you lose your first guy-

   10. CWChris Williamson15:07

       Yeah.

   11. BUBT Urruela15:07

       ... and you have to process that, and then you have to process having to go back to work the next day and pretend it never happened. You know what I mean? Again, which is where PTSD manifests itself, because you can't properly mourn them-

   12. CWChris Williamson15:18

       You haven't had time to do the reflection process, right?

   13. BUBT Urruela15:20

       You can't, because if you're thinking about them the next day when you're on mission, you may end up putting yourself or others in danger, um, because of it, so...

   14. CWChris Williamson15:29

       Mm-hmm. Well, we discussed this briefly yesterday when we were- when we were sat down talking, that the period of reflection for everything is so important.

   15. BUBT Urruela15:36

       Mm-hmm.

   16. CWChris Williamson15:36

       And that's why practicing gratitude and trying to have... Uh, a lot of people in the normal world will confuse busyness with success, and that staying busy constantly just moving in one direction is somehow a marker for getting things right.

   17. BUBT Urruela15:54

       Mm-hmm.

   18. CWChris Williamson15:54

       But that's not necessarily the way that you should look at it, because this period of reflection allows you to realize what's gone on. It allows you to internalize the- the, um, situation that you've been through. And then out the other side of it, you have some learning and, "Okay, I'm now ready for the next one."

   19. BUBT Urruela16:11

       Yeah.

   20. CWChris Williamson16:11

       Whereas what you happen when you're deployed is you just have a batch of experience for however many months or however many years, and then you get home and you're like, "Okay, there is a fucking Amazon truck full of shit that I now need to try and go through."

   21. BUBT Urruela16:28

       Mm-hmm.

   22. CWChris Williamson16:28

       And we all know that memory is one of the least accurate ways of actually recalling something. Like, by the time that you're two years deep and you've been through all of this stuff, the first thing that you did, like, can you actually accurately properly reflect on that? Probably not. Like, it's become confused and conflated and- and manipulated by all the other things that you've been through. And then by the time you get home, you got to go back through it again, so...

   23. BUBT Urruela16:50

       Mm-hmm.

   24. CWChris Williamson16:51

       Um, okay, so we're now one year deep?

7. 16:53 – 21:08

   Oct 22, 2006: two days left—EFP ambush and catastrophic injuries

   1. BUBT Urruela16:53

      Yeah, so well, not one year deep. Again, it's a- a whole process. Um, lost our first two guys, um, we ended up losing eight total. And- and then we got to October 22nd, 2006, we're nearing the end of the tour.

   2. CWChris Williamson17:09

      How lo- how much long is left?

   3. BUBT Urruela17:10

      Two days. So we have two days left, and, uh, we're doing what's called a right seat ride where we're taking the new guys around the area of operations and showing 'em, you know, showing 'em around, getting them ready to take over. And, uh, yeah, we were just routine mission, got hit, and, uh, next thing you know, I'm- I'm waking up and smoke fill- is completely filling the- the Humvee, there's flesh everywhere, just charred flesh all over the windshield. I had no idea. I didn't feel anything at that time. I'm just like, I woke up, I saw all this.

   4. CWChris Williamson17:39

      So did you hear the bang or was it the-

   5. BUBT Urruela17:41

      So no, it was like- it was like- well, I heard the bang, so it was like bang, blacked out, right?

   6. CWChris Williamson17:46

      Yeah.

   7. BUBT Urruela17:47

      And so I woke up, vehicle's still moving and I'm just like, I have no idea what really-

   8. CWChris Williamson17:51

      Where are you sat?

   9. BUBT Urruela17:52

      Driving again.

   10. CWChris Williamson17:53

       Okay.

   11. BUBT Urruela17:53

       So the vehicle's still moving. I go to try to break the vehicle-

   12. CWChris Williamson17:57

       Mm-hmm.

   13. BUBT Urruela17:57

       ... and my right leg's not working. I'm like, "What the fuck?"

   14. CWChris Williamson18:00

       Mm-hmm.

   15. BUBT Urruela18:00

       And I look down and I see there's, like, shit hanging out of my thigh, so I know I'm injured there. I still don't feel it though.

   16. CWChris Williamson18:06

       Mm-hmm.

   17. BUBT Urruela18:06

       Use my left foot to break. That's when my, uh, my gunner, I look back, I'm like, "Are you all right?" He's seated on the ground and both his legs are gone. One of his legs is sitting right next to me. So that's when the guy in the back... I- I also noticed the other... We have five people in the vehicle total.... three are passed out, two are passed out, I'm sorry, and then us three, me, the gunner, and the guy behind me were awake. The guy behind me goes, "Hey, can you please, please open my door? Please open my door. I can't take the smell anymore." Unless you, until you smell human flesh, you just don't understand it, but it's very distinct and it's, it's ... You'll n- You never forget it.

   18. CWChris Williamson18:40

       Okay.

   19. BUBT Urruela18:40

       So, I, I lean back, I open the door for him 'cause his arms were all jacked up, and I turn back around and that's when I felt it.

   20. CWChris Williamson18:47

       Yeah.

   21. BUBT Urruela18:47

       That's when everything kind of came to-

   22. CWChris Williamson18:49

       Slowed a little bit?

   23. BUBT Urruela18:49

       Yep.

   24. CWChris Williamson18:50

       Okay.

   25. BUBT Urruela18:50

       And the adren- the, um, um ... Fuck, help me out here.

   26. CWChris Williamson18:53

       The adrenaline?

   27. BUBT Urruela18:54

       Yeah, I'd say adrenaline, but, uh, the shock.

   28. CWChris Williamson18:56

       Yeah.

   29. BUBT Urruela18:56

       The shock kind of started wearing off, and that's when it was just like the most excruciating thing I've ever felt in my life. What had, ended up happening was the, the metal that had gone in my leg was so hot that it was cooking my leg from the inside.

   30. CWChris Williamson19:08

       Oh, my God.
8. 21:08 – 28:03

   Medevac ‘God moment’: CIA helicopter, field surgery chain, and the brutal flights home

   1. BUBT Urruela21:08

      ... if we're gonna get hit, we're ... Yeah. It's gonna be us. And, um ... And so we're pulled out. And this is kind of the fascinating thing about this, and, and my story kind of revolves around ... I, I'm a very big believer in God, and I have a lot of faith, and these are the, my God moments, I feel like. Those are the moments that they should not have happened, and they did. So, when we got hit, there was a CIA chopper flying overhead. They saw us get hit, they came back around, and they medevaced us out. Had we not had that, it would've taken up to 20, 30, maybe 40 minutes, maybe longer to get a medevac there. My femoral artery was fucking, uh, nicked, so I easily ... Like, one of us easily could have died there that day had that CIA chopper not been overhead.

   2. CWChris Williamson21:52

      So, the chances of that happening are-

   3. BUBT Urruela21:54

      S- slim to z- like neg- no.

   4. CWChris Williamson21:56

      Negative. Might as well have not existed.

   5. BUBT Urruela21:58

      Pretty much, yeah.

   6. CWChris Williamson21:59

      So you're thinking act of God, right?

   7. BUBT Urruela22:01

      Act of God. Absolutely, yeah. Um, 'cause they were ... It was, it was so weird, man. I'm telling you, it's ... At that point I had ... Shock set in hardcore. I didn't feel the pain anymore. I'm in the chopper, right? My buddy's head's laying in my lap.

   8. CWChris Williamson22:11

      So how do you ... How ... What happens? How do they get you out of the vehicle?

   9. BUBT Urruela22:14

      No, well, they pulled ... They pretty much carried us.

   10. CWChris Williamson22:16

       Really?

   11. BUBT Urruela22:17

       Yeah, yeah. So, you got my guys there, right? So, we have, uh, three other vehicles behind us.

   12. CWChris Williamson22:21

       Mm-hmm.

   13. BUBT Urruela22:21

       We've got a shit ton of guys, so they're helping drag us out.

   14. CWChris Williamson22:24

       Mm-hmm.

   15. BUBT Urruela22:24

       The guys on the chopper are getting us in. Um, so me and my buddy Al, who was a dismount, he was behind Major Taylor.

   16. CWChris Williamson22:30

       Yep.

   17. BUBT Urruela22:31

       He was passed out. He had lost his leg above the knee.

   18. CWChris Williamson22:34

       Okay.

   19. BUBT Urruela22:34

       Um, he's ... His head's in my lap. I'm sitting in the back of the chopper, I'm smacking his fucking face, trying to wake him up.

   20. CWChris Williamson22:39

       Yeah.

   21. BUBT Urruela22:39

       And this is one of those, um, little tiny choppers, the CIA, uh, uh, Delta Force, they use the little, uh, baby Hueys. They're super small.

   22. CWChris Williamson22:47

       Is there like a, a flat area at the back?

   23. BUBT Urruela22:49

       There's like just a seat in the back. So me and Al were in the back.

   24. CWChris Williamson22:52

       Okay.

   25. BUBT Urruela22:53

       The guy ... They're so badass, bro. This is like, just like a movie. But the guy, there was two of them, CIA guys.

   26. CWChris Williamson22:58

       Yeah.

   27. BUBT Urruela22:59

       And one of the CIA guys couldn't sit in the back 'cause we were back there, so he's hanging off the side of the motherfucking helicopter all dra- like all, fucking GI Joe'd out, dude, and he's just like, just riding, man.

   28. CWChris Williamson23:09

       Just watching?

   29. BUBT Urruela23:10

       Just riding.

   30. CWChris Williamson23:11

       Oh, my God.
9. 28:03 – 34:29

   Walter Reed crisis: femoral artery blowout and extreme reconstruction

   1. BUBT Urruela28:03

      So yeah, so I ended up going to DC. And at that point I still had my leg.

   2. CWChris Williamson28:07

      Mm-hmm.

   3. BUBT Urruela28:07

      So ... But it was just trashed obviously. And, uh, the femoral artery was still kind of in limbo. And it was October 31st, 2006, so we're talking what's ... Nine, nine days later. Nine days later, it's Halloween, and I, I hadn't been sleeping, man. I'm in lots and lots of pain. I just ... As you can imagine, lots of pain meds and so just real bad insomnia.

   4. CWChris Williamson28:30

      Mm-hmm.

   5. BUBT Urruela28:30

      And then obviously, you're, you're starting to realize what's happened to you.

   6. CWChris Williamson28:33

      Yeah. The impact.

   7. BUBT Urruela28:34

      Which again, y- you actually ... You know, you do ... As I said, you don't think about death over there, but you know it's a, it's a possibility.

   8. CWChris Williamson28:40

      Mm-hmm.

   9. BUBT Urruela28:41

      You really don't think nor do you really consider it a possibility of losing a limb or getting injured like that, you know? It's just not a thing you really think about, you know?

   10. CWChris Williamson28:48

       Yeah.

   11. BUBT Urruela28:48

       You know it's there, but it's just like ... You just never really put yourself in that position. So I'm just sitting here like, "Wow, what now." You know?

   12. CWChris Williamson28:54

       Yeah.

   13. BUBT Urruela28:55

       October 31st comes around and it's four o'clock in the morning, um, five o'clock in the morning. I'm watching Home Improvement on TV 'cause I can't sleep.

   14. CWChris Williamson29:02

       (laughs)

   15. BUBT Urruela29:02

       And all of a sudden, you know ... I have all these machines hooked up to my leg and shit, and one of 'em pumps, uh, the harmful fluid out, right?

   16. CWChris Williamson29:09

       Okay.

   17. BUBT Urruela29:09

       Starts pumping out blood, like real deep burgundy blood. And I'm like, "No, that's not good." So I call the nurse.

   18. CWChris Williamson29:14

       Okay.

   19. BUBT Urruela29:14

       Nurse comes in and like, "Oh, no biggie." Balls up some, uh, um, towels and puts it under my leg to put pressure on it. And about two seconds later, the, the bandaging rips off and blood s- starts fucking spurting, dude. Like fucking three feet into the air.

   20. CWChris Williamson29:31

       Oh my God.

   21. BUBT Urruela29:31

       And I'm just like tripping.

   22. CWChris Williamson29:32

       Yeah.

   23. BUBT Urruela29:33

       He's tripping now too. Like he was all calm before and he just starts freaking out. (home improvement music)

   24. CWChris Williamson29:37

       Shit. There it is again.

   25. BUBT Urruela29:37

       There it is. Fuck.

   26. CWChris Williamson29:41

       (laughs)

   27. BUBT Urruela29:41

       And, um, that ... And next thing you know, within seconds, my room is full of medical personnel frantically working. Blood's covered my sheets and I'm-

   28. CWChris Williamson29:50

       So what's, what's happened?

   29. BUBT Urruela29:52

       My femoral blew.

   30. CWChris Williamson29:53

       Okay.
10. 34:29 – 43:32

    Compartment syndrome, a ‘worthless’ lower leg, and choosing elective amputation

    1. BUBT Urruela34:29

       Um, and so that ended up... that's... the femoral artery blowing is why I lost my lower limb.

    2. CWChris Williamson34:35

       Okay.

    3. BUBT Urruela34:35

       Um, I initially was... you know, they thought I was gonna lose my leg up here-

    4. CWChris Williamson34:38

       Okay.

    5. BUBT Urruela34:38

       ... because of where I got hit. I didn't have damage to my lower limb.

    6. CWChris Williamson34:41

       Okay.

    7. BUBT Urruela34:41

       But because of the femoral artery, it was about a 14-hour surgery, and they had the tourniquet on for so long that when they took the tourniquet off to rush the blood back down the new vein-

    8. CWChris Williamson34:50

       Yep.

    9. BUBT Urruela34:51

       ... it's called compartment syndrome. Um-

    10. CWChris Williamson34:53

        I know what it is.

    11. BUBT Urruela34:53

        Yeah. So, I got that real bad, and they had to do fasciotomies on both sides.

    12. CWChris Williamson34:57

        Can you briefly explain what compartment syndrome is for people who don't know?

    13. BUBT Urruela35:00

        So, pretty much they... the doctors explained it to me in layman's term as a hot dog that's in the microwave too long. So, it's too much pressure.

    14. CWChris Williamson35:06

        Yep.

    15. BUBT Urruela35:06

        Because of the blood that... the blood flow, it hadn't been flowing for a long time, then all of a sudden that pressure, um, it- it- it like, blows the fricking leg up. And you have to slit it to-

    16. CWChris Williamson35:16

        Yep.

    17. BUBT Urruela35:16

        ... to relieve that pressure.

    18. CWChris Williamson35:17

        Mm-hmm.

    19. BUBT Urruela35:18

        Um, what happened with mine was that led to necrosis of my muscle-

    20. CWChris Williamson35:22

        Okay.

    21. BUBT Urruela35:22

        ... and my lower limb because of the pressure.

    22. CWChris Williamson35:23

        Okay. And you only need 13 hours without blood flow for that to occur.

    23. BUBT Urruela35:26

        Yeah.

    24. CWChris Williamson35:27

        So.

    25. BUBT Urruela35:28

        I mean, and less than that, too.

    26. CWChris Williamson35:29

        Yeah.

    27. BUBT Urruela35:30

        Yeah.

    28. CWChris Williamson35:30

        So, you could have... you know, the, the tolerance that you'd have needed probably maybe six hours, eight hours-

    29. BUBT Urruela35:34

        Yeah.

    30. CWChris Williamson35:34

        ... 10 hours or whatever, and you could have had the same...
11. 43:32 – 45:37

    Relearning life on a prosthetic: biomechanics, relentless rehab, and becoming the example

    1. CWChris Williamson43:32

       So what's it, what's it like learning to walk?

    2. BUBT Urruela43:35

       It's not much... Honestly, it's not much different.

    3. CWChris Williamson43:37

       Mm-hmm.

    4. BUBT Urruela43:37

       You don't... It... Uh, I mean, you're learning to walk again as an adult, so it's-

    5. CWChris Williamson43:41

       Yeah.

    6. BUBT Urruela43:41

       ... it's kind of different. But the feeling-wise, it's kind of just one foot in front of the other. You know what I mean?

    7. CWChris Williamson43:46

       Yeah.

    8. BUBT Urruela43:46

       But it, it's... It takes a lot, man. A lot. And a lot of that has to do with not the nub or the lower limb but your, the rest of the body.

    9. CWChris Williamson43:53

       Oh, yeah.

    10. BUBT Urruela43:53

        'Cause it all has to adapt.

    11. CWChris Williamson43:54

        Yeah.

    12. BUBT Urruela43:55

        You don't realize how much you use your foot and-

    13. CWChris Williamson43:57

        For balancing.

    14. BUBT Urruela43:58

        ... your calf for pushing off for everything.

    15. CWChris Williamson44:00

        So do you feel like your core is, like, just-

    16. BUBT Urruela44:02

        Oh, yeah.

    17. CWChris Williamson44:02

        ... rock solid in comparison now?

    18. BUBT Urruela44:03

        Yeah, rock solid. Yeah, rock solid.

    19. CWChris Williamson44:04

        'Cause you've got to... You'll have to balance through your midline as opposed to using dorsiflexion to restabilize, right?

    20. BUBT Urruela44:11

        Mm-hmm.

    21. CWChris Williamson44:11

        So you stabilize your whole lower leg-

    22. BUBT Urruela44:13

        Yeah.

    23. CWChris Williamson44:13

        ... mostly through your core.

    24. BUBT Urruela44:15

        Yeah.

    25. CWChris Williamson44:15

        As opposed to with your toes and with your ankle. So yeah, that must've been a real, a real change of biomechanics for you to start to relearn that.

    26. BUBT Urruela44:23

        Very much. And it d- does. It takes a long time. I actually had real bad foot drop. Or, I'm sorry, real bad, um, hip drop when I was walking after I got, um, amputated.

    27. CWChris Williamson44:32

        Okay.

    28. BUBT Urruela44:33

        Because you, your, you require a lot more, as you said, hip and core movement-

    29. CWChris Williamson44:36

        Yeah.

    30. BUBT Urruela44:36

        ... and, and ac- activity than normal.
12. 45:37 – 50:12

    Civilian reintegration and PTSD: identity loss, substance abuse, and what PTSD feels like

    1. BUBT Urruela45:37

       Really, really, really good place. Um, and then I medically retired and I'm like, "Man, the whole world's out." It was like that new feeling again and all that.

    2. CWChris Williamson45:45

       The whole world's on fire.

    3. BUBT Urruela45:45

       And then, yeah, the world shit all over me. But-

    4. CWChris Williamson45:48

       (laughs) .

    5. BUBT Urruela45:48

       ... it's just civilian life, man. You, you... It's funny how that shit works. You're just like-

    6. CWChris Williamson45:52

       So talk me through reintegration.

    7. BUBT Urruela45:54

       So that's... You know, like I said, there's this excitement, right? Like, "I'm gonna go to college, I'm gonna be a college kid and I'm gonna do all this stuff."

    8. CWChris Williamson46:00

       Yeah.

    9. BUBT Urruela46:00

       You don't fucking realize how much support you have at that medical, m- medi- military medical, uh, community. You don't realize how much you rely on there.

    10. CWChris Williamson46:08

        From the doctors and from the community.

    11. BUBT Urruela46:09

        From the doctors to the rehabs, to the friends you've made there, to the other combat wounded veterans who understand what you're going through without even having to say a word, to the non-profits that are there to help you. You have literally an army of people there to support you.

    12. CWChris Williamson46:22

        Mm-hmm.

    13. BUBT Urruela46:22

        And you don't realize what it does for you until you leave it.

    14. CWChris Williamson46:25

        Yep.

    15. BUBT Urruela46:26

        And so I ended up going to college in West Virginia 'cause I wanted just a fresh start.

    16. CWChris Williamson46:29

        Yeah.

    17. BUBT Urruela46:29

        You know, I wanted something new.

    18. CWChris Williamson46:30

        Yeah.

    19. BUBT Urruela46:30

        Didn't know anybody there and it ended up being my downfall at that time, because I got there and there was n- I mean, I... I didn't know who I was, man. I didn't know who the fuck I was 'cause my y- my life, four years of it, was rehab. That was, that was my life.

    20. CWChris Williamson46:43

        At 22-

    21. BUBT Urruela46:43

        It's getting better.

    22. CWChris Williamson46:44

        At 22 most people don't know who they are.

    23. BUBT Urruela46:45

        Yeah.

    24. CWChris Williamson46:46

        Let alone someone who's been in this strangely insulated, isolated, very unique, very difficult to, um, compare with anyone else's experience situation.

    25. BUBT Urruela46:59

        Yeah.

    26. CWChris Williamson47:00

        And then you come out and then you gotta try and reintegrate.

    27. BUBT Urruela47:02

        Yeah. And you have to imagine this too, you know, you have a purpose. Military, you have a purpose. Deployed, you have a purpose. Even injury, you have a purpose.

    28. CWChris Williamson47:12

        Get better.

    29. BUBT Urruela47:12

        I'm getting better.

    30. CWChris Williamson47:12

        Yeah.
13. 50:12 – 59:05

    Accelerated Resolution Therapy: revisiting childhood trauma and reopening emotions

    1. BUBT Urruela50:12

       The only thing I can say, I, I did this pretty extensive therapy called art therapy. Um, and it was-

    2. CWChris Williamson50:19

       Art therapy?

    3. BUBT Urruela50:19

       Art therapy. So it's not art art.

    4. CWChris Williamson50:21

       (laughs)

    5. BUBT Urruela50:21

       Um, it's, uh, it's, it's ex- accelerated resolution therapy or something.

    6. CWChris Williamson50:25

       Okay.

    7. BUBT Urruela50:25

       It's pretty much based on eye movement. So a lot of it is internal, you think about a lot of stuff, and you follow their hand with your eyes because it allows you to kind of process the thoughts better. Brilliant fucking s- uh, brilliant therapy.

    8. CWChris Williamson50:36

       That's fascinating.

    9. BUBT Urruela50:37

       Um, and what they, what they said was when we go through traumatic events, we don't even mean to do this, but every event thereafter runs through this filter, a filter of that event. So you view and experience things through that filter, because it's there. It's this block in your head, and so you can't enjoy things like normal. You can't ... You, you don't feel compassion and l- the normal feelings that other people have. You're just kind of void of it all because everything is being viewed through those filters, and that therapy, they pretty much ... Their whole thing is they break down those filters.

    10. CWChris Williamson51:09

        Try to remove the lens.

    11. BUBT Urruela51:10

        So that you can view everything with a fresh perspective.

    12. CWChris Williamson51:13

        Okay.

    13. BUBT Urruela51:14

        Um, but it's tough. So it's ... PTSD is just, it's all-encompassing, man. It's, it's always there and it's just some-

    14. CWChris Williamson51:22

        So is it, is it like if someone's had anxiety? Does it feel like anxiety?

    15. BUBT Urruela51:26

        A lot. So that's ... The thing about PTSD too is it manifests itself differently for everybody.

    16. CWChris Williamson51:30

        Okay.

    17. BUBT Urruela51:30

        Some people have nightmares. You know, I have nightmares all the time too. That's m- that's a part of PTSD.

    18. CWChris Williamson51:34

        Okay.

    19. BUBT Urruela51:34

        Some people can't do crowds. I d- I'm all right with crowds. It makes me uncomfortable. I was worse back in the day. You do some exposure therapy and you get over it, but it, there's a lot of different ... That's why it's hard to explain exactly what it is. Um, it's just-

    20. CWChris Williamson51:46

        Man, that's, that's such a ... It's such a, um, a ruthless affliction, that the fact that it's almost bringing back your, your first weaknesses. So there's a, uh, a really interesting story from King Arthur, the knight to the Round Table, and they've got to go off. They've got to look for the dragon, right?

    21. BUBT Urruela52:05

        Yeah.

    22. CWChris Williamson52:05

        They've got to go slay the dragon, and each of the knights has to enter the forest at the point which looks darkest to him.

    23. BUBT Urruela52:12

        (laughs)

    24. CWChris Williamson52:14

        So each of them, they don't go in on one path.

    25. BUBT Urruela52:16

        Yeah.

    26. CWChris Williamson52:16

        Each of them has to walk around the forest until they find the point at which looks darkest to him.

    27. BUBT Urruela52:22

        Mm-hmm.

    28. CWChris Williamson52:22

        And that's what that feels like to me. That's, that feels like someone who ... It, it, it brings up, like, it find- it's capable of manifesting your weakness.

    29. BUBT Urruela52:31

        Mm-hmm.

    30. CWChris Williamson52:31

        Like, it's the kryptonite, but your kryptonite.
14. 59:05 – 1:06:42

    Building VetSports: fixing the broken transition with community-based teams

    1. BUBT Urruela59:05

       Well, so the art therapy and VetSport started about the same time. So I also found my purpose again at that point, you know?

    2. CWChris Williamson59:11

       So tell me, tell me about VetSport. It's what I wanna get onto.

    3. BUBT Urruela59:13

       So VetSports again, the badtr- the shit transition, right? You know, uh, we, I, and then that o- bad organization. It, I was like, you know, "I know that this works, bringing veterans together."

    4. CWChris Williamson59:22

       Mm-hmm.

    5. BUBT Urruela59:23

       "I know this works."

    6. CWChris Williamson59:23

       Mm-hmm.

    7. BUBT Urruela59:23

       "And having some sort of a- a- active activity."

    8. CWChris Williamson59:26

       Yep.

    9. BUBT Urruela59:27

       "But... and what if we did it the right way? Not only that, what if we provided it within the communities where people g- are returning to? I mean, they're transitioning to these communities. How cool would it be to have a little club there?" So, like I said, the three of us came up with the idea of having those community based clubs that revolve around sports, athletic events, um, community involvement. We, we, we help other charities as well through donating our time.

    10. CWChris Williamson59:50

        Mm-hmm.

    11. BUBT Urruela59:51

        And then, um, you know, get-togethers, events, just bringing them together, social events. And so we started VetSports. Our first club was in DC, and then I started one down in Tampa, which is funny, you know? Like, I didn't have any friends up there at that time, right?

    12. CWChris Williamson1:00:02

        Yeah.

    13. BUBT Urruela1:00:03

        I made all of my friends in Florida from VetSports.

    14. CWChris Williamson1:00:06

        (laughs)

    15. BUBT Urruela1:00:06

        So, uh, yeah, that was growing and really becoming something. And so I had that new purpose, you know. I was still battling, absolutely. I still battle to this day. That shit never goes away. But it... Like, you, you know, it's just progress.

    16. CWChris Williamson1:00:17

        Yeah.

    17. BUBT Urruela1:00:18

        It's progress. Even little progress is, is huge when you go through that kind of life. And uh-

    18. CWChris Williamson1:00:23

        So what's the, what's the process of starting a sporting organization for veterans? Like, what do you, how do you find them?

    19. BUBT Urruela1:00:29

        Well, uh, lots of recruiting. A lot of r- recruiting methods, VA, uh, student veteran organizations. Um, yeah, I had to learn all this. That's, uh, that was kind of the funny thing. You know, it was a lot of pressure, and it definitely, um, in th- those early years-

    20. CWChris Williamson1:00:42

        Yeah.

    21. BUBT Urruela1:00:42

        Because I have a lot of self-hatred and self-doubt, stuff like that, um, it was tough because I would-

    22. CWChris Williamson1:00:47

        It's a big old task, right?

    23. BUBT Urruela1:00:48

        ... yeah, because you really, you know, like, "Can I do this?" You know, "Is it worthy? Is it worth it?"

    24. CWChris Williamson1:00:52

        "Should it be me?"

    25. BUBT Urruela1:00:52

        "Should it be me?"

    26. CWChris Williamson1:00:53

        "Should it be someone else?" Yeah.

    27. BUBT Urruela1:00:54

        So yeah, you, you end up ... I, I had to learn it all, and, uh, and s- but we, we did it. I mean, we have... We recruited through colleges and VAs and other non-profits and, uh, it's just ... It's been cool, man.

    28. CWChris Williamson1:01:08

        What other sports that you guys ...

    29. BUBT Urruela1:01:09

        Anything. So we, we really ... We ... At the end of the day, we want to know what they want to do.

    30. CWChris Williamson1:01:13

        Yeah.

Episode duration: 1:18:10