Overcoming War, PTSD & Elective Amputation | BT Urruela

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (music plays) BT, man. …

   1. CWChris Williamson0:00

      (music plays) BT, man.

   2. BUBT Urruela0:15

      Yes.

   3. CWChris Williamson0:15

      Thank you very much for coming on. I, I really appreciate it.

   4. BUBT Urruela0:18

      My pleasure, Chris. Absolutely.

   5. CWChris Williamson0:20

      Um, it's probably been two years since I've wanted to get you to sit down and, and have a discussion. So-

   6. BUBT Urruela0:27

      And here we are. (laughs)

   7. CWChris Williamson0:28

      Here we are, in the same, in the same hotel, on the same week.

   8. BUBT Urruela0:31

      I know, right?

   9. CWChris Williamson0:31

      Um, bit of poetic justice there, right?

   10. BUBT Urruela0:34

       Yes.

   11. CWChris Williamson0:34

       So yeah, I, I got to hear you, um... I turned up late. My luggage arrived a day late. I had to run upstairs and come downstairs to this black tie ball thing that we had two years ago here. And then kind of burst into the room and sat down as this guy got up and stood up, and it was you, and you were about to give this big speech. And I was, like, totally unprepared, like wholly unprepared.

   12. BUBT Urruela0:59

       (laughs)

   13. CWChris Williamson0:59

       And I guess, like... 'Cause that was just after you'd done your TV thing as well, right?

   14. BUBT Urruela1:03

       Yep. Mm-hmm.

   15. CWChris Williamson1:03

       And so I... Your notoriety was probably riding moderately high and then, uh, being in this community of authors, everyone would have had an idea of what was gonna be said. And then you just unloaded this story-

   16. BUBT Urruela1:16

       Yeah.

   17. CWChris Williamson1:16

       And I was like, totally... You know, like s- you... Someone racks a bar with weights that you don't know what it is, you step underneath it and you're like, "Oh my God, this is really fucking heavy."

   18. BUBT Urruela1:24

       Yeah, "What did I do?" (laughs)

   19. CWChris Williamson1:24

       "Yeah... No, no, no, too much, too much." And, uh, yeah, man, I got, I got blown away by that.

   20. BUBT Urruela1:30

       Well, and the weird part was that at that part two years ago, you know, I had told my story w- with Vet Sports I had co-founded in 2012, so telling my story had become a thing over the years. But by that point within the community, it hadn't been a thing yet, you know?

   21. CWChris Williamson1:44

       Okay.

   22. BUBT Urruela1:44

       People knew the basis of my story. They knew I was a combat wounded veteran, stuff like that. But they never knew the eccentricities of my entire life and so that's what I wanted to do with that speech, was just kind of lay it all out there.

   23. CWChris Williamson1:55

       Mm-hmm.

   24. BUBT Urruela1:55

       And then kind of just give them the whole narrative, and...

   25. CWChris Williamson1:58

       How, how different does it feel giving the speech to the industry that you're in now, which is authors, versus the industry that you were in or that you, you're associated with, which is veterans?

   26. BUBT Urruela2:10

       I... Well, so that's actually different than what I usually do. I don't talk to a lot of veterans, unfortunately. I talk to veterans, but it's more c- c- conversationally.

   27. CWChris Williamson2:18

       Got you.

   28. BUBT Urruela2:18

       It's not giving them, you know, a speech or whatever.

   29. CWChris Williamson2:20

       Yeah.

   30. BUBT Urruela2:21

       So the difference is, where I'm at is, that speech was for my peers in the romance community, right?
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Yeah. …

   1. BUBT Urruela15:00

      was kind of like... It's weird 'cause it's like stages in combat, you know?

   2. CWChris Williamson15:03

      Yeah.

   3. BUBT Urruela15:03

      You- you got your first introduction to combat, and then you- you lose your first guy-

   4. CWChris Williamson15:07

      Yeah.

   5. BUBT Urruela15:07

      ... and you have to process that, and then you have to process having to go back to work the next day and pretend it never happened. You know what I mean? Again, which is where PTSD manifests itself, because you can't properly mourn them-

   6. CWChris Williamson15:18

      You haven't had time to do the reflection process, right?

   7. BUBT Urruela15:20

      You can't, because if you're thinking about them the next day when you're on mission, you may end up putting yourself or others in danger, um, because of it, so...

   8. CWChris Williamson15:29

      Mm-hmm. Well, we discussed this briefly yesterday when we were- when we were sat down talking, that the period of reflection for everything is so important.

   9. BUBT Urruela15:36

      Mm-hmm.

   10. CWChris Williamson15:36

       And that's why practicing gratitude and trying to have... Uh, a lot of people in the normal world will confuse busyness with success, and that staying busy constantly just moving in one direction is somehow a marker for getting things right.

   11. BUBT Urruela15:54

       Mm-hmm.

   12. CWChris Williamson15:54

       But that's not necessarily the way that you should look at it, because this period of reflection allows you to realize what's gone on. It allows you to internalize the- the, um, situation that you've been through. And then out the other side of it, you have some learning and, "Okay, I'm now ready for the next one."

   13. BUBT Urruela16:11

       Yeah.

   14. CWChris Williamson16:11

       Whereas what you happen when you're deployed is you just have a batch of experience for however many months or however many years, and then you get home and you're like, "Okay, there is a fucking Amazon truck full of shit that I now need to try and go through."

   15. BUBT Urruela16:28

       Mm-hmm.

   16. CWChris Williamson16:28

       And we all know that memory is one of the least accurate ways of actually recalling something. Like, by the time that you're two years deep and you've been through all of this stuff, the first thing that you did, like, can you actually accurately properly reflect on that? Probably not. Like, it's become confused and conflated and- and manipulated by all the other things that you've been through. And then by the time you get home, you got to go back through it again, so...

   17. BUBT Urruela16:50

       Mm-hmm.

   18. CWChris Williamson16:51

       Um, okay, so we're now one year deep?

   19. BUBT Urruela16:53

       Yeah, so well, not one year deep. Again, it's a- a whole process. Um, lost our first two guys, um, we ended up losing eight total. And- and then we got to October 22nd, 2006, we're nearing the end of the tour.

   20. CWChris Williamson17:09

       How lo- how much long is left?

   21. BUBT Urruela17:10

       Two days. So we have two days left, and, uh, we're doing what's called a right seat ride where we're taking the new guys around the area of operations and showing 'em, you know, showing 'em around, getting them ready to take over. And, uh, yeah, we were just routine mission, got hit, and, uh, next thing you know, I'm- I'm waking up and smoke fill- is completely filling the- the Humvee, there's flesh everywhere, just charred flesh all over the windshield. I had no idea. I didn't feel anything at that time. I'm just like, I woke up, I saw all this.

   22. CWChris Williamson17:39

       So did you hear the bang or was it the-

   23. BUBT Urruela17:41

       So no, it was like- it was like- well, I heard the bang, so it was like bang, blacked out, right?

   24. CWChris Williamson17:46

       Yeah.

   25. BUBT Urruela17:47

       And so I woke up, vehicle's still moving and I'm just like, I have no idea what really-

   26. CWChris Williamson17:51

       Where are you sat?

   27. BUBT Urruela17:52

       Driving again.

   28. CWChris Williamson17:53

       Okay.

   29. BUBT Urruela17:53

       So the vehicle's still moving. I go to try to break the vehicle-

   30. CWChris Williamson17:57

       Mm-hmm.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Couldn't take it anymore.…

   1. CWChris Williamson30:00

      anymore?

   2. BUBT Urruela30:00

      Couldn't take it anymore.

   3. CWChris Williamson30:00

      So this ... In the same way as a, like a, a slow puncture in a tire then at high speeds turns into a-

   4. BUBT Urruela30:06

      Yep.

   5. CWChris Williamson30:07

      ... pop.

   6. BUBT Urruela30:07

      Yep.

   7. CWChris Williamson30:07

      Okay.

   8. BUBT Urruela30:08

      So i- I can't explain the feeling, but it's almost like theatrical, right? It's like, "Are ... You're in a fucking movie." Like, "Is this my life right now? Am I bleeding to death right now?" And like, you know, you're getting woozy and the TV starts like-... it's 3D now-

   9. CWChris Williamson30:28

      Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

   10. BUBT Urruela30:28

       ... 'cause you're just so fucked. And I remember begging them not to let me die, you know. I'm just like, "Don't let me die. Don't let me die. Don't let me die." It's all I could say. And I call him Mystery Doctor, but he was a, he was an African American doctor, very handsome man. And he, uh, right here, he pushed down on where my femoral meets my aorta so hard that it was sore for about a month after, and he saved my life. Had he not done that from my room to the OR, I would've died, absolutely died.

   11. CWChris Williamson30:51

       So, he stemmed the flow of both the neck-

   12. BUBT Urruela30:53

       He stopped the flow until I could get to the OR where they could get a tourniquet on me.

   13. CWChris Williamson30:56

       Yep.

   14. BUBT Urruela30:56

       And, uh, and it absolutely saved my life. So, I get to the OR-

   15. CWChris Williamson30:59

       How long was that? The time?

   16. BUBT Urruela31:01

       It was actually quite a bit. So, you're... I went from... I think the ORs were on the fourth floor, and I was on the sixth floor. So, we literally... He had to take me from my ward all the way to the main elevators, down the elevator to the fourth floor, and then to the OR. And he, the whole time, steady pressure, the whole fucking time, walking along the-

   17. CWChris Williamson31:17

       Yeah.

   18. BUBT Urruela31:17

       ... the, the gurney.

   19. CWChris Williamson31:18

       Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is difficult as you're moving as well, right?

   20. BUBT Urruela31:19

       Crazy hard.

   21. CWChris Williamson31:20

       Yeah.

   22. BUBT Urruela31:21

       And so, I got to the OR, and I remember them freaking out and getting me on the table, and I'm still like woozy but still with it.

   23. CWChris Williamson31:27

       Yeah.

   24. BUBT Urruela31:27

       And, you know, they're just up here and they're putting the tourniquet on, and the next thing you know, it just... and I'm out. And then I wake up and I'm in the ICU, and there's staples all down this side. I've got a scar running the length of my leg-

   25. CWChris Williamson31:41

       Yeah.

   26. BUBT Urruela31:42

       ... and there's... it looks like fucking Frankenstein.

   27. CWChris Williamson31:43

       Yep.

   28. BUBT Urruela31:44

       And then this side, um, is just new, new bandages and shit like that.

   29. CWChris Williamson31:48

       Yeah.

   30. BUBT Urruela31:48

       And I'm like, "What the fuck happened?" Doctor's in there. My parents are in there. The doctor's like, "Wow."
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Yep. …

   1. BUBT Urruela45:00

      So, like I told you, I was kind of like... I had reached my point about a year into my first little stent.

   2. CWChris Williamson45:06

      Yep.

   3. BUBT Urruela45:07

      And I was just kinda going through the motions after that. But with the leg, every f- it's every day better, better, better, more, more, more.

   4. CWChris Williamson45:14

      So you feel like you're getting after it.

   5. BUBT Urruela45:16

      By the time I was ou-... I ended my rehab there and medically retired, dude. I was the guy in there that other people were looking at like, "Oh God, I can do that one day."

   6. CWChris Williamson45:23

      Fun. VTs. VTs got it.

   7. BUBT Urruela45:23

      Which to me was really fucking cool.

   8. CWChris Williamson45:25

      That's amazing.

   9. BUBT Urruela45:26

      I was the one doing box jumps in there. I was the one doing sprints. I would, like... It was... It's one-

   10. CWChris Williamson45:30

       That's fantastic, man.

   11. BUBT Urruela45:30

       It, it was qu- it's like f- full circle.

   12. CWChris Williamson45:32

       Just the circle of life, right?

   13. BUBT Urruela45:33

       Yeah. So it was really fucking cool. I was in a really good place then, man.

   14. CWChris Williamson45:37

       Yeah.

   15. BUBT Urruela45:37

       Really, really, really good place. Um, and then I medically retired and I'm like, "Man, the whole world's out." It was like that new feeling again and all that.

   16. CWChris Williamson45:45

       The whole world's on fire.

   17. BUBT Urruela45:45

       And then, yeah, the world shit all over me. But-

   18. CWChris Williamson45:48

       (laughs) .

   19. BUBT Urruela45:48

       ... it's just civilian life, man. You, you... It's funny how that shit works. You're just like-

   20. CWChris Williamson45:52

       So talk me through reintegration.

   21. BUBT Urruela45:54

       So that's... You know, like I said, there's this excitement, right? Like, "I'm gonna go to college, I'm gonna be a college kid and I'm gonna do all this stuff."

   22. CWChris Williamson46:00

       Yeah.

   23. BUBT Urruela46:00

       You don't fucking realize how much support you have at that medical, m- medi- military medical, uh, community. You don't realize how much you rely on there.

   24. CWChris Williamson46:08

       From the doctors and from the community.

   25. BUBT Urruela46:09

       From the doctors to the rehabs, to the friends you've made there, to the other combat wounded veterans who understand what you're going through without even having to say a word, to the non-profits that are there to help you. You have literally an army of people there to support you.

   26. CWChris Williamson46:22

       Mm-hmm.

   27. BUBT Urruela46:22

       And you don't realize what it does for you until you leave it.

   28. CWChris Williamson46:25

       Yep.

   29. BUBT Urruela46:26

       And so I ended up going to college in West Virginia 'cause I wanted just a fresh start.

   30. CWChris Williamson46:29

       Yeah.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:04:41

   Yeah. …

   1. BUBT Urruela1:00:00

      which is funny, you know? Like, I didn't have any friends up there at that time, right?

   2. CWChris Williamson1:00:02

      Yeah.

   3. BUBT Urruela1:00:03

      I made all of my friends in Florida from VetSports.

   4. CWChris Williamson1:00:06

      (laughs)

   5. BUBT Urruela1:00:06

      So, uh, yeah, that was growing and really becoming something. And so I had that new purpose, you know. I was still battling, absolutely. I still battle to this day. That shit never goes away. But it... Like, you, you know, it's just progress.

   6. CWChris Williamson1:00:17

      Yeah.

   7. BUBT Urruela1:00:18

      It's progress. Even little progress is, is huge when you go through that kind of life. And uh-

   8. CWChris Williamson1:00:23

      So what's the, what's the process of starting a sporting organization for veterans? Like, what do you, how do you find them?

   9. BUBT Urruela1:00:29

      Well, uh, lots of recruiting. A lot of r- recruiting methods, VA, uh, student veteran organizations. Um, yeah, I had to learn all this. That's, uh, that was kind of the funny thing. You know, it was a lot of pressure, and it definitely, um, in th- those early years-

   10. CWChris Williamson1:00:42

       Yeah.

   11. BUBT Urruela1:00:42

       Because I have a lot of self-hatred and self-doubt, stuff like that, um, it was tough because I would-

   12. CWChris Williamson1:00:47

       It's a big old task, right?

   13. BUBT Urruela1:00:48

       ... yeah, because you really, you know, like, "Can I do this?" You know, "Is it worthy? Is it worth it?"

   14. CWChris Williamson1:00:52

       "Should it be me?"

   15. BUBT Urruela1:00:52

       "Should it be me?"

   16. CWChris Williamson1:00:53

       "Should it be someone else?" Yeah.

   17. BUBT Urruela1:00:54

       So yeah, you, you end up ... I, I had to learn it all, and, uh, and s- but we, we did it. I mean, we have... We recruited through colleges and VAs and other non-profits and, uh, it's just ... It's been cool, man.

   18. CWChris Williamson1:01:08

       What other sports that you guys ...

   19. BUBT Urruela1:01:09

       Anything. So we, we really ... We ... At the end of the day, we want to know what they want to do.

   20. CWChris Williamson1:01:13

       Yeah.

   21. BUBT Urruela1:01:13

       So if you have a club, say we have a club in East Texas and you want to do some skeet shooting, then they do skeet shooting.

   22. CWChris Williamson1:01:17

       Yeah.

   23. BUBT Urruela1:01:18

       Whereas, in California, if your crew wants to do surfing, then we do surfing. You know, it's all dependent on the org- the area and what the need is.

   24. CWChris Williamson1:01:24

       Okay.

   25. BUBT Urruela1:01:24

       But we like to keep it mixed. You know, we do softballs, you know, kickball, skeet shooting. (phone chimes)

   26. CWChris Williamson1:01:30

       There it is again.

   27. BUBT Urruela1:01:31

       Um, the e- e- everything. We do everything.

   28. CWChris Williamson1:01:33

       Yeah.

   29. BUBT Urruela1:01:33

       Um, we, we definitely focus more on team sports aspect of it. There's a lot of non-profits out there that are helping and doing good stuff. We believe in the team sports aspect of it because it, it kind of gives you that new goal.

   30. CWChris Williamson1:01:44

       Brings people together again, right?

Episode duration: 1:18:10