The Formula For Freedom, Confidence & Happiness - Tony Robbins (4K)

Chris Williamson 0:00 It feels a little bit like a curse, I think, of driven people to have high expectations. How can people who are always very hard on themselves learn to build up their self-esteem a little bit more?

Tony Robbins 0:13 Uh, I, I don't know if self-esteem is the answer. You know, I think, um, I don't think it's bad to be hard on yourself as long as you also celebrate when the victories happen. But, you know, so many people will tell you, "I have poor self-esteem because when I was a kid, people said this to me and that to me." And it's convenient that we remember those things and not the positive things that also occur, obviously. But I think it's more important is to realize that self-esteem is earned. It's only earned by you with yourself. You're not gonna get self-esteem because everybody praises you. You, someone could tell you your whole life that you're brilliant, you're a genius, you're beautiful, you're handsome, and you not believe it. Someone can tell you you're c- you know, you're a piece of crap and you're never gonna become anything, and there's a part of you that can say, "I'll show you," as many people have, and then they d- they'll develop drive out of it, right? So it, it's really self-esteem comes from doing incredibly difficult things where you know you pushed yourself. It's not virtue signaling. It's not telling people about it. It's what you know inside your soul is true, and the more you do things that are incredibly difficult and especially things that are meaningful, meaning they're not just about yourself, the higher that esteem will be. I think the most important thing for self-esteem is to find something you care about more than yourself 'cause as long as you're in your own head, the nature of the mind is reductionism, right? Good, bad, right, wrong, all those types of things. Of course, life is much more many different hues than that. And so when you find something you care about, whether it's your kids or whether it's something at your job, your career, whether it's a mission you have, uh, that's something you wanna bring to the world, non-profit, it doesn't matter what it is. If you find something you care about more than you, you won't be thinking about yourself all the time and all your bullshit self-esteem shit just goes out the window. I mean, it's just when I hear it, it's just so namby-pamby BS. You can have crappy self-esteem and achieve a hell of a lot. Now, the real question is, what do you want? And I think there's... If you want an extraordinary life, which my definition of that is life on your terms. Like, what's my idea might be different than yours completely. Some people, it's three beautiful children and a white picket fence. Some people, it's building a multi-billion dollar business. Somebody else, it's writing poetry, right? So instead of looking for somebody else, it's like, okay, what do you really want from your life? And aligning yourself with moving forward towards what you really want. And I think th- if you can do that in a way that also you feel serving others simultaneously, there's a, there's a sense of meaning in life that can't be replaced by self-esteem or praise or compliments or being nice to yourself, and I don't think it's bad to be tough on yourself. I'm pretty tough on myself, I'll be honest with you. But I also, I'm much better at celebrating now, and I also realize being overly tough on yourself usually comes by making, you know, comparisons that don't make sense. I remember, um, I remember, I could just... Was walking by and I saw a, as I was walking here, a picture that reminded me of something, which was, uh, years ago I was in Atlanta, Georgia. I was in my early 20s, uh, 23, 24, 25, and I was doing a seminar. In those days, there weren't 15, 20,000 people. It was 125 people. I remember because it was the biggest seminar I'd done. I thought it was so exciting. And I'd give my heart and soul and, you know, going 12, 13 hours a day. On the third day, the rooms were so small, then I'd go by and look in everybody's eyes. I gave everybody a flower. I mean, it was just... I look back now, it seems silly, but it was really just I wanted to make that connection. I wanted to make sure that they had made that shift. I was, like, so obsessive about making a true transformation happen. And earlier in the day, I got a phone call from a friend of mine who said, "The boss, Bruce Springsteen," he was the biggest star in the world in those days, I loved him, "and he's four blocks from you." He said, you know, "The Atlanta stadium there where the Hawks play, you got just finish early and come over and, and you gotta take it in." It was Christmastime. He says, "It's gonna be incredible." I said, "I'd love to come," but I said, "I just can't do that. That's... If, if I, Steve, if I finish somehow on time, it all happens, he's still on stage, you know, I'll call you and see what's going on." So I finished the seminar. I don't know how long it was. It was almost 11:00 at night, but you know, Bruce usually does, especially on Christmas, he's like three encores. And so my buddy calls me and says, "Get your butt over here. He's doing a second encore. I think he might even do three if you get here. Get over here, see the end." So I sprinted the four or five blocks to get in, got in the stadium, couldn't find my buddy, but I got up into, you know, some high seats and I'm looking down and it was back when Clarence was still there and, you know, just the, the drive and the energy was incredible. The crowd was so engaged and he's doing Christmas songs and he ends with, you know, Born to Run, you know? And I'm like, I'm so into it, and about three-quarters of the way through the song, I got depressed. I'm like, "What the hell?" And what it was was I was like, "Shit, what I'm doing doesn't matter. This guy's got 15,000 people here. I got 125 for three days? I mean, I'm not making any difference at all." And I was like, and I, and I literally as we were walking out and people at Born to Run going, I was pissy inside myself, you know? Like, but I was feeling so great before this, but now I'm making this comparison.

Chris Williamson 4:56 Hmm.

Tony Robbins 4:57 And of course, you're never fair. You, you compare them to somebody else's life that has a totally different path, a totally different experience. We all develop in different stages and different things, and we all want different things. But, uh, what was ironic though, the reason I tell you this story is it was like four years later and there I am in that stadium and I'm not doing this crappy little two and a half hour concert, right? (laughs) I'm doing 12 hours and the crowd's going crazy.

Chris Williamson 5:18 Screw you, Bruce.

Tony Robbins 5:19 And I just, like, I, no, it was just like, uh, you know, it's, it was humorous. You know, you got to look back and say, you know, you judge yourself too soon.

Chris Williamson 5:25 Hmm.

Tony Robbins 5:25 And I could tell you a dozen stories like that with me. So I was so hard on myself, but eventually, you wake up and say, "It's good to be strong with yourself, but beating yourself up just lowers your energy." And when your energy gets lower, you produce less.

Chris Williamson 5:38 Hmm.

Tony Robbins 5:38 Right? You don't have, and you don't have the same level of joy. You don't have the, the impact that you want to have, nor do you have the excitement that you really want to have. So I look at it, um, I look at it as something that it's worth earning your own self-esteem, but it's really not the secret. The secret is to find something else you obsess about more than yourself, and you'll have a level of energy that will compel you over the long term.

Chris Williamson 5:58 It's that tension, this interesting tension between balancing ambition and gratitude.

Tony Robbins 6:02 Yes.

Chris Williamson 6:02 And, uh, you know, this fear that, "Well, if I pat myself on the back too much-

Tony Robbins 6:06 Right.

Chris Williamson 6:07 ... what if that stops the drive?" You know, it's coming from this place of fear, this fear of not being enough, this fear of failure. I'm gonna continue to disprove it." And...... I, I, I don't wanna give m- I don't wanna let up, because that's the only fuel that I know.

Tony Robbins 6:18 Yeah. Well, you know, I'm, I'm gonna be 65 (laughs) in a few weeks so I have a little perspective on this. Uh, it doesn't mean it's the right perspective. But I think e- when I began, I began with a fuel which was like a, "I'm gonna show 'em." My, you know, my, I was f- I had four fathers growing up, it's a pretty rough background. My mom was a very intense character. A huge part of who I am, I owe to her, because she (laughs) challenged me so strongly, I became a practical psychologist to deal with things. Really loving woman but when she mixed alcohol with prescription drugs, she was very violent, and I had to protect my younger brother и younger sister, so... You know, I had these experiences early on that were so painful and then n- she kicked my fourth father out o' the house, she was a fairly powerful woman, he went back east, he was the one who I loved the most. And then she chased me out of the house with a knife on Christmas Eve. Now I know she wasn't gonna kill me but I wasn't going back in that place, you know? And I remember coming out of the beginning it was, it was anger that drove me. You know, "I'm just gonna show you," type of thing. But that fuel doesn't last. And then the next fuel that people t- tend to use is, "I gotta succeed." But there's a little fear underneath that that's driving them, which is like, "What if I don't?" Versus a knowing, you know, it's like, one of my original mentors, Jim Rohn, used to have this phrase, he used to say, you know, "Tony, don't worry about it, if you give your all every day, your gifts will make room for you." And it's like, having a knowingness that things w- are gonna be fine. And then there's the next level which is you start to know who you are, you're not trying to prove it to yourself or other people.

Chris Williamson 7:49 Mm.

Tony Robbins 7:50 And it's just, you just wanna help, you just wanna do things. And so now you, it's the difference between what I would call push motivation and pull, right? Push is I'm gonna make this happen and it takes tremendous willpower, and I know you have plenty of willpower, I do as well. But there's a limit to willpower. But there's no limit to pull. Pull is when there's something magnificent that you wanna serve, something that you're, you know, got an obsession for, to create or to do or make happen. And that doesn't, it, you know, you don't lose that energy, you don't lose those components, and you are able to laugh and enjoy it along the way.

Chris Williamson 8:24 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 8:24 As opposed to, "Oh, by my god, you know, if I don't keep doing this." And I used to believe that too, it was like, "I gotta be so intense every moment."

Chris Williamson 8:31 Mm.

Tony Robbins 8:31 Um, na- now my wife's been a huge help in that also, you know, f- uh, sh- you know, I, when I met, when I met her I was like, "I'm a serious mofo, I wanna change the world, I work 20-hour days and stuff, I wanna laugh more." Some days I wish I hadn't said that to her (laughs) you know, 'cause she's so crazy. But she's one of the great gifts of my life, and I surround myself with so many brilliant and funny people that, uh, my life has a, you know, the joy and the achievement.

Chris Williamson 8:55 I think that's a, a balance a lot of people are trying to play with as well, this, they like to take things seriously.

Tony Robbins 9:01 Yes.

Chris Williamson 9:01 They care about their work, they're earnest, right?

Tony Robbins 9:03 Yes.

Chris Williamson 9:03 Earnestness being the bravery to take your emotions seriously.

Tony Robbins 9:06 Yes.

Chris Williamson 9:06 And this can end up sapping the fun and the play out of life.

Tony Robbins 9:09 Yes.

Chris Williamson 9:10 Uh, so you want to be treated like a serious person, like an operator, like someone that's here to actually do things and make a dent in the world. But you also realize after a while that if you're doing it so tightly, it creates this sort of brittle fragility around whatever you're doing. And when you look back, you have this series of miserable successes-

Tony Robbins 9:29 (laughs)

Chris Williamson 9:29 ... that you've kind of gritted your teeth through, and you go, "Well, okay, I got the outcome that I wanted, but really what's the outcome I'm trying to achieve?" Well, it's an enjoyable emotional state.

Tony Robbins 9:38 Yes.

Chris Williamson 9:38 What I'm trying to do is feel good in the moment-

Tony Robbins 9:42 That's right.

Chris Williamson 9:42 ... as myself. And s- uh, yeah, winning, achieving the thing, financial freedom, the business, all of that stuff is a reliable route toward getting you there. But there's a much more direct route which is to enjoy the thing.

Tony Robbins 9:54 You got it.

Chris Williamson 9:54 So, there is another tension here, I think, between seriousness of pursuit and joy and ease in the moment, and finding the balance between those two is something I think a lot of people, uh, struggle with.

Tony Robbins 10:05 Well, it's true, it's an art. It's chemistry, right? And you, you don't get it right in the beginning and, you know, it takes time and you have to have the intention to want both. I, I, I m- I remember when I met my trainer, Billy, years ago, he's one of my dearest friends. And, um, (laughs) he's f- he's brilliant, and he said, "What do you really want out of your training?" He goes, "'Cause what I find is I don't, you know, I don't know why you even need me." (laughs) He goes, "You don't, you d- no one needs to push you. I, I gotta push you back, I gotta stop you from going that hard." He goes, "Ah!" I said, "No, I'm not looking for motivation." I said, "I w- I wanna be specific, I wanna produce very precise results." But I said, "At this point I think, I've been working out like a crazy person, I suppress my oxygen, I do..." (laughs) You saw what I do, it's just ridiculous, I mean, I'm a biohacker, right? I have to be, I gotta go on stage and do 12 to 13 hours and hold 13, 14, 15, 20,000 people's attention for four days.

Chris Williamson 10:51 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 10:51 Right? When they won't sit through a three-hour movie somebody spent $300 million on, you know? It takes a level of energy. I'm not just standing there talking, I'm running up the side, I'm doing these things. So I said, "I, I don't wanna give up any of that, I need that power in me to be able to produce." But I said, "I wanna have fun!" And he says, "Well, what does that look like?" And I said, "Well, I don't know. I think, you know, when I was a kid I used to play racquetball." I said, "Maybe for the aerobic instead of just running, m- maybe we'll, you know, do something that's fun to do." And he goes, "That's great, let's do it." So we called around, no racquetball courts anywhere but squash... Do you play squash?

Chris Williamson 11:21 Yep.

Tony Robbins 11:22 Yeah, so you can appreciate, squash is awesome, and it's more strategic, and a hell of a lot better exercise than, you know, racquetball is. So I got into playing squash and it was like, wow, it added a whole nother dimension. And then that led to, you know, if y- you know, at this stage if I go someplace and I'm gonna be kind, which I wanna be, you know, it's not a 20-minute drive and 20 minute back, it's 20 minutes, you know, in and out, I'm sure you know of pictures and f- you know, just connecting with people and taking care of them. And so, man, it's, "I don't have time for this!" So that's how this happened down here, you know, it's like I just came...

Chris Williamson 11:52 I imagine there's a racquetball court somewhere near us or a squash court, right?

Tony Robbins 11:55 Squash court, right over there, right. (laughs)

Chris Williamson 11:56 Squash courts, yeah, brilliant.

Tony Robbins 11:56 So it's like, you know, I came here and said, "Let's, we're gonna build this." But it's just like, so I, I built this whole place for fun. I mean, if you came here, I, you probably came by Slide, I assume.

Chris Williamson 12:04 I, uh, yeah, uh, my first delivery to a podcast by, via Slide and gravity, yes, true.

Tony Robbins 12:08 (laughs) Yeah. So we come to build this place, you know, the, I said, "Do you knowI, I, the guy was saying to me, "You've got 25,000 square feet. You've used up all the space, you know? Where are you gonna do this?" I said, "Down here." And he goes, "What do you mean down here?" I said, "Below the surface." He goes, "No, no, no. The ocean's here. The Intracoastal's here. You're below the water table." I said, "Well, have you ever been to Scripps Oceanography? You know, you ever been to, you know, uh, you know, what, the Atlantis Hotel?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "That's what we're gonna do." He's like, "Oh, it can't be done. You'll..." I said, "What do you mean it can't be done? Other people have done it." He goes, "Well, you'll never get approved." I said, "The mayor here, we're good friends. I'm sure-"

Chris Williamson 12:40 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 12:40 "... people and community like it. We'll get approved." And so it leads to a place of fun. We're sitting in the place of fun, you know? We've got 7,000 square feet below the surface. No one knows it's here.

Chris Williamson 12:50 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 12:50 It's below the water. We built like a submarine around the outside of this. And so we got squash courts and a bowling alley and all the stuff my kids and my grandkids, and it's the play area. So I think it's also important to have environments that call out the play, and environments that are convenient to pull out the play, you know? You can live, uh, by the ocean. I used to live on The Hill in Del Mar, California, almost never went to the beach except when friends came, I wanted to take them there.

Chris Williamson 13:14 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 13:14 When you live on a beach, I'm on the beach every day, you know, it's there. So it's like you can engineer your life to have more happiness. But I think the real challenge is thinking so hardly about being taken seriously just represents your fears, right? It's like, I think spiritual development, when people talk about spiritual, not religious development, spiritual development is the level of comfort you can have with just being your real self. And I think, um, that's not an easy task 'cause we all are trying to be something, but we already are that something we're trying to be. That doesn't mean you can't be better, but it's like accepting and appreciating what you really are, and instead of projecting, you know, something else, takes a lot of pain out of your body, takes a lot of wasted-

Chris Williamson 13:59 Hmm.

Tony Robbins 13:59 ... energy out, and take, gets a lot of fears to just disappear. And I don't have an easy path for that. I think it's the hero's journey. You know, what is it? Your life is ordinary and everything seems fine, and then something hits you, and it's the call to adventure. It doesn't feel like a call, it feels like somebody in your family's got cancer or it feels like, you know, COVID and somebody shut down your business, you know, or, you know, some issue that's happening in your relationship with your kids. But if you take the call and you go on the journey, you're gonna meet some new friends, you're gonna find some new mentors, you're gonna, you know, you're gonna battle with internal things within you and external things. But if you keep going, you're gonna eventually slay your dragons and you'll come out in the hero of your own life and you have something to share that isn't bullshit. It's not something you read somewhere, it's something you've lived.

Chris Williamson 14:46 Something you are.

Tony Robbins 14:46 And everybody can feel you've lived it, 'cause it's a different level of, of ownership, you know? And then, by the way, as soon as you do that, it happens again. (laughs) You know, you're called on another journey. You have a new, new level of challenge that you need to go on. It, you know, it just never ends, but it's, uh, it makes life really, really beautiful.

Chris Williamson 15:02 One

Chris Williamson 15:03 of the things that I've been hearing you talk about a lot recently that seems to tie into this is, uh, the difference in life between when you focus on things that are wrong and when you focus on things that are right. And I think a lot of people have managed to achieve quite a bit of success by avoiding pitfalls. You know, you present them with something, they can say, "Well, that's gone wrong and that's gonna be an issue, and we need to make sure that that's sorted there." But as you've said, the things that you focus on seem to appear more frequently in your life. And if you have, if you justified to yourself and if you've built up this habit, this, uh, stack of evidence that it's useful for me to focus on where potential pitfalls may be and make sure that I can avoid them, but I don't wanna do it in my personal life. It's like, w- you don't, you, you've developed this pattern.

Tony Robbins 15:47 Yes.

Chris Williamson 15:47 And that is now going to be ported over into everything. So when your partner comes through the door and does something that pisses you off, the first thing that you don't think is, "I'm so grateful to have her."

Tony Robbins 15:57 (laughs)

Chris Williamson 15:57 "She's so, she's so wonderful. Think about all of the things..." It's like, "She fucking left the makeup out on the counter again and she didn't clean up the such and such." Um, so just dig into that, uh, difference between focusing on what's right versus focusing on what's wrong when it comes to your trajectory in life.

Tony Robbins 16:13 I think it's important, uh, to realize wherever focus goes, energy flows. It's corny, but it's true, right? Um, in fact, maybe an easier way of saying it is, uh, we don't experience life. None of us do. We experience the life we focus on. So in any moment, what's wrong is always available. So is what's right. So it's not about being positive, uh, it's about being intelligent, right? You know, when you're in a totally negative state and you know the world's gonna end, and there are people like believing that in the next 12 years, you know, the entire environment's gonna collapse and they won't have a child, um, you know, you gotta look at the impact of what you're believing. And you gotta look at and say, you know, "Where's my focus going?" There's, I can always be upset about something. I can always find something to be joyous or gr- at least grateful for, which leads to joy. And I think it's having that learning to discipline your disappointments, you know, not allow them to grow and to move on and to use whatever life has given you. But to me, it's like, I think there's, uh, three decisions that people make every moment of their life. Now, I'm not saying they make them consciously. If you make them unconsciously, you have the same patterns over and over again. And usually they're not good ones, right? Sometimes they're good, but not usually. Um, and I, I learned these really because I had an experience when I was 11 years old. I had, it was my, my fourth father, and he got fired and we had no money and no food. We were always poor, but I mean, w- we wouldn't have starved. We had saltine crackers and, and peanut butter, right? But when everybody else around you is having a big Thanksgiving dinner, uh, it was pretty depressing. And my mom and dad were, um, saying things to each other that once you say them, you can't take them back. And I have a younger brother, five years younger, and a younger sister, seven years younger. So I felt like the parent almost, I'm trying to protect them. I'm only 11 years old. And what changed my life is this, this bang on the door. I go to open the door and there's this guy, big guy with groceries in both hands, and he had a pot on the ground with an uncooked turkey.And he looks at me and says, "Is your father here?" And I'm like, "Just one moment." I'm just like, this to me was like Christmas, right? This is the greatest thing. It's going to stop the fighting. It's going to be incredible. So, I go to my father and I say, you know, "Dad, Dad, there's somebody at the door for you," and he's yelling at my mom through the closed door that she slammed on him. (laughs) And, and he goes, "You answer." I said, "I did. It's for you." He goes, "Who is it?" I said, "I don't know." They said, "They got to talk to you," right? And I had this level of excitement, like little boy excitement, like this is going to be the greatest thing. And my dad opens the door, and I'll never forget the look on his face. He got angry, which shocked me. And he said to the man, "We don't accept charity," before the guy even said anything. And he went to slam the door, and the guy had leaned in slightly so it hit his shoulder and it bounced off of him, which made my dad even madder. And then he said, uh, he goes, "Sir, sir, I'm just the delivery guy. You know? Somebody knows you're having a tough time. Everyone has a tough time, and they just want you to have a great Thanksgiving with your family." My father says, "We don't accept charity." He goes to slam it again, but I think because he leaned in, his foot came in now, and now it hit his foot and bounced open again (laughs) . And it was just like, now I got fear running through my body because I know my father, right? And, uh, and my father looks at him, and the guy looks at him and says something. I thought my father was going to punch him in the face. He... And he didn't do it mean. He goes... Had a softness in his face, and he said, "Sir," he saw me and he said, "Don't make your family suffer because of your ego." And the veins on my father's side of his neck were like this. He's beet red. I thought for sure he was going to punch the guy, and then all of a sudden his shoulders dropped, like defeated. He took the groceries, he slammed them on the ground, slammed the door, didn't even pick up the turkey, and didn't say thank you or anything. And shortly after that, he left our family, which to me at the time was the worst experience of my life, I thought. And, um, and so I was kind of obsessed with, um, trying to figure out why. And I didn't figure it out for a couple of years. I had versions of it in my head. But now I use it in my life every day. So, I submit it to your viewers as well. These are the three decisions that I think everyone makes every moment. First, you're doing it right now. What are you gonna focus on? You could be focusing on my s- story I'm telling you. You could be focusing on the next question you're gonna ask. You could be focusing on how your stomach feels if you've not eaten. There's a million things you could focus on, literally. But we don't experience life. We experience the part of life we focus on. And so, the bottom line is, I know my father and I had a different experience because we had different focuses that day. I was focused on his food, you know? What a concept. (laughs) This is cool. He was focused on that he had not taken care of his family.

Chris Williamson 20:41 (laughs)

Tony Robbins 20:42 And I know that because, you know, he said it about 20 times under his breath, and my mother echoed it, of course. Um, the second decision, though, the minute you focus on something, your brain has to decide what does it mean? And meaning is what creates emotion, and emotion is where your life is, right? And so, the quality of life is the quality of your emotions. If you got a billion dollars and every day you're pissed off and angry, your life's quality is called pissed off and angry. If you've got three beautiful children, a husband or wife you love, but you worry all the time, your life is worry, you know? So, his focus and then his meaning... That was the worst part. The meaning he gave it was that he was worthless and didn't belong here, and that usually leads to the third decision, which is what are you gonna do? And, like, if you think... If the meaning is if something happens and you say, "This person is dissing me," you know, "Disrespecting me," or, "Is this person challenging me?" or, "Is this person coaching me?" or, "Is this person loving me?" If you think they're dissing you, you're gonna have a very different emotional reaction than if you think they're coaching you or loving you. And then, of course, that's gonna change what decision you make, because if you're angry, you're gonna make a different decision than if you're playful or generous or whatever the case may be. So, those three decisions control our lives. But so your viewers or listeners, I give them an opportunity to take a look at it, because there's some patterns that... You can make some simple patterns and change your whole life with focus. So, the first one is... And I'd ask you... Two questions for you. One, Chris, is what do you think most people's answer to this question is? And the other is, what's yours? If you're ready, ready to play. (laughs) all right? For... It's real simple. We all have a pattern of focusing on what we have, and at times on what's missing. Which one do you think most people spend more time focusing on? What they have or what's missing?

Chris Williamson 22:27 What's missing.

Tony Robbins 22:28 What do you focus more on?

Chris Williamson 22:29 What's missing.

Tony Robbins 22:30 Yes. It isn't something that comes... The focus on what's missing is not something that comes with someone who is a failure. It comes very much with people who are very successful. And the question then becomes, if you're always focused on missing, how can you sustain happiness?

Chris Williamson 22:45 You're in a permanent place of lack.

Tony Robbins 22:46 That's correct. So scarcity is there. So you'll have drive, right? To keep staying on the hamster wheel of achievement. But you're not going to see much fulfillment, not in a sustainable way. It's impossible. And it's nothing to do with you or me, right? It's just software. And we got a soul. (laughs) We're not software. But you run your software so often you start thinking your mind is you, versus my mind is a tool that I'm going to use. Or if I don't use it, it's going to use me. So, the majority of people do that. And by the way, during COVID, that number exploded because so many things were taken from people. They were constantly focused on what's missing, and that produces nothing but pain.

Chris Williamson 23:21 A quick aside. Did you know that Tony faced a serious case of mercury poisoning a few years ago? It led to memory loss, extreme fatigue, and it could have been fatal if it went undiagnosed. So let that be a reminder that even when you're at the top of your game, your health can still sneak up on you. Which is why staying on top of your health requires more than just an annual physical, and why I partnered with Function. They run lab tests twice a year that monitor over 100 biomarkers and look for early signs of thousands of diseases, including mercury poisoning. They even screen for 50 types of cancer at stage one, which is five times more data than your annual physical. Best of all, you receive insights from their team of expert physicians who provide a detailed report of their observations, and phone consultations for any critical findings. So, if you want to stop guessing about what's happening with your health, if you want to get an insight to what's going on inside of your body, this is the place to start. Getting these lab tests done would usually cost thousands, but with Function it is only $500. And right now, you can get the exact same blood panels that I get, plus bypass their wait list by going to the link in the description below or heading to functionhealth.com/modernwisdom. That's functionhealth.com-... slash Modern Wisdom.

Tony Robbins 24:29 Second question, and I think I know your answer to this one. Which do you tend to focus on more? Which do you think most people focus on more, what they can control or what they can't control? And then which one do you focus more on?

Chris Williamson 24:40 Uh, I think most people would probably focus on what they can't control. I'm an even balance, I would say, between the two.

Tony Robbins 24:49 That's great.

Chris Williamson 24:49 I'm working quite hard to try and-

Tony Robbins 24:51 I was gonna say, you strive. It's part of, uh-

Chris Williamson 24:53 Yeah.

Tony Robbins 24:53 ... you know, your philosophy, right?

Chris Williamson 24:54 Yeah.

Tony Robbins 24:54 To focus on what you can control, right? So that's, uh, part of the s- stoicism s- whole philosophy of stoicism, right? So, but most people, you're absolutely right. Now my seminars, it's different because I got 15,000, 20,000 people I ask that question, and the va- vast majority of them say they're focused on what's missing, but the vast majority of them say they do focus on what they can control. That's why they came.

Chris Williamson 25:14 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 25:14 Why would they spend their money and time when they wanna take control of their business or their body or their relationship, whatever the case may be? So they have a different belief structure. If you have both of those out of whack, you got some real challenges. Most people have at least one out of whack, which creates stress. And then the third one, and th- there's many more than these, but just quickie for the people at home, and I'm asking them to do this for themselves if they want to, where do you tend to focus more, your past, your present, or your future? We all spend on all three, but where do you spend more of your time? Where do you think most people do? Where do you?

Chris Williamson 25:41 Hmm. I guess most people just not the present, uh, perhaps dreams for the future. Uh, for me, I would say mostly in the future as well.

Tony Robbins 25:49 Yeah. And that's where most achievers live. Me too. Um, I have to discipline myself not to do that because what makes you an achiever is anticipation. You've learned al- by a long time anticipation is power. As I'm listening, I'm watching you. You're anticipating. You're processing, right?

Chris Williamson 26:04 Dopamine's a hell of a drug, yeah.

Tony Robbins 26:05 (laughs) Yes, it does. And it gives you a sense of control. And there, you know, also, if you don't anticipate, it's like taking a (laughs) playing a video game against a child. Now you're a different generation, so you might kick the child's ass, I don't know. But my generation, I didn't play any video games. (laughs) So if a child, you know, is your, your nephew or your niece or your f- or your grandson, granddaughter, or, or your son or daughter, and you give 'em a gift, let's say, of, uh, playing a video game, you give 'em a new video game for Christmas or their birthday, what's the first thing they do? "Oh, come play with me, Pops. Come play with me, Uncle. Come play..." "No, no, no, I don't, I don't do those things." "Oh, let me show you. It's so easy." Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Three shots, boom, boom, they're, they're going great. So some part of you finally says, "I'll show this little bastard something here. I'll, I'll go ahead and do this thing here. All right, fine, give me this thing." But you should know you're being set up when the kid says something to you like, "You go first," (laughs) right? And so you go, and you go boom, boom, boom, boom, and you're dead in four seconds, right? The kid goes, "Not bad. Not bad for your first time," right? And then they take the gun, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, and then 45 minutes later, you get your second turn, right? Now you're really pissed. Maybe you make it two minutes, and the kid goes for another 45. Why does the kid win every time? Is it 'cause they're smarter, faster, younger? No, it's 'cause they played this game before. They can anticipate the first bad guys here, the second bad guys here. You're in reaction, they're anticipating, so it has tremendous power. So it's addictive when you learn to anticipate, and it- and it's also a great skillset for business, for life, and so forth. I always tell people, "You're running a business, you're always running two businesses, the business you're in and the business you're becoming." If you only focus on the business you're in, someone's gonna replace you. If you only focus on what you're gonna become, you're not gonna have the cash flow (laughs) to be able to get to that place, right? So it's a very similar situation inside of where we are. So for each of us, most of us who are achievers tend to focus on the future, but all the joy is in the present, right? You can have some anticipation of the future and be excited about it. You can... Most people's stress comes from either the past or the future. The majority of people spend a lot of time on the past, right? And the problem is you can't change it. And, and, uh, you can use it as a reference to me and maybe for you, I don't know, I might project. You've probably come a long way in your life is my guess, uh, from Love Island to, (laughs) you know-

Chris Williamson 28:17 Yeah.

Tony Robbins 28:17 ... Modern Wisdom. That's quite a journey. (laughs) I'll have to have you tell me about that at some point.

Chris Williamson 28:20 Yeah. Yeah, wow, I can't, I can't believe that you did that bit of research. That was the thing that you dredged up. But yes.

Tony Robbins 28:25 (laughs)

Chris Williamson 28:25 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The, the, the typical trajectory from Love Island to this podcast, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tony Robbins 28:29 (laughs) Typical. So there's been some growth in your psychology-

Chris Williamson 28:32 A little bit.

Tony Robbins 28:33 ... and your spirit and your soul, to say the least, right? So the contrast of remembering where you were and who you've become is probably a, a beautiful thing. But if you use it that way, but most people go back and they ruminate about the past-

Chris Williamson 28:46 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 28:46 ... or they ruminate about a future that they can't control, and the present's there. So the goal is an ideal is fuel, an ideal fuel is a combination of the two. Present, it gives you that centered grounding and anticipation for the future. The ability to bounce back and forth is the ideal for people. So I'll give you an example to wrap this up. Um, do you know anybody who has... I ask this when I have an audience, you know, giant audience. How many of you, I'll say, know somebody who takes antidepressants, and they're still depressed?

Chris Williamson 29:13 Yes.

Tony Robbins 29:13 Yes. 90% of the room will raise their hand. How's that possible? Because first of all, two years ago, they did meta-studies on the cover of Newsweek, and it said SSRIs do not work.

Chris Williamson 29:23 I think-

Tony Robbins 29:23 Sugar pills work as well as SSRIs.

Chris Williamson 29:25 Dancing. Dancing to music was more effective-

Tony Robbins 29:28 That's exactly right.

Chris Williamson 29:29 ... by some huge margin.

Tony Robbins 29:30 Yeah, yeah. You, you read the study.

Chris Williamson 29:31 Yeah.

Tony Robbins 29:32 We're still giving them to everybody. Doesn't make any sense.

Chris Williamson 29:34 Should be salsa classes.

Tony Robbins 29:36 It just... (laughs) But it's just, you think of the insanity of that, of us continuing to do what doesn't make any sense. So I think, you know, your question is really focus, (laughs) getting back to the focus, I think if we make the right decisions, the first one is what we're gonna focus on, and that's just a habit. You change anything. Take that person. Why is that person depressed still? 'Cause all that drug does is numb you.

Chris Williamson 30:00 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 30:01 And numbing doesn't deal with the issue. What's the real issue? You're constantly focused on what's missing versus what you have. You're focused on what you can't control. And there's two worlds, right? The external world and the internal world. We can't control the external world. We can influence it. We can't control it. If you think you're in control, you have a deep illusion. I went to Mexico recently. You and I were talking off the air, and I discovered I couldn't even fully control my bowels. It's not something (laughs) I wanna talk about. But it's like all the willpower in the world doesn't mean squat.

Chris Williamson 30:26 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 30:26 No pun intended, right? So it's... The part we can control is what's going on inside of us.And that, we can control what we focus on. We can control the meaning. We can decide the meaning. We're the meaning makers, and we can decide what to do. And when we can make those three decisions, we're in control of our life. And all the anxiety and bullshit tends to go away, especially if we're trying to do that to serve something more than ourselves. Not like you're so unselfish you're not going to succeed, because you can't serve something more than yourself and not benefit.

Chris Williamson 30:53 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 30:53 Right? So it's like, it's not like you're sacrificing, you know, the people that play that game. It's not a sacrifice. It's like philanthropy. You know, I hear people talk about, well, philanthropy, well, a friend of mine the other day was on an airplane, and somebody was reading, I just happened... My book, you know, triggered me, it was Life Force. And person was really into it. And he said, "Hey, what do you..." He's known me for 45 years, and he says, uh, "What do you think of that book?" "Oh, it's incredible. The stem cells and this, you can't believe the breakthroughs. I don't know why we didn't know about this," and blah, blah, blah. "What do you think of the author?" "Oh, he seems like a really good guy. And he donated all the profits to feed people." And of course, he goes, "Of course, he's totally rich." So I mean, I mean, it's easy when you're rich, right? And my buddy turns to him and he said, "Well, what if I told you that I knew him since he was 17 years old, 45 years ago? And that I remember when he had $20 to his name, there's a guy in the street and he gave him 10 bucks and told me that the time to give is when you don't have it." And he said, "And I watched him build that all the way up there. He taught me that if you don't give a dime out of a dollar, you're not going to give 100 million out of a billion." Right? And it's like people look at things and they make their focus something like, oh, I'm sacrificing or I'm going to do philanthropy because, you know, I'm, I'm rich. No, you do philanthropy because it's a source of kindness and love. Philanthropy can be your attention. Philanthropy can be your time. Philanthropy can be a, a buck, five bucks. Philanthropy can be you're in line with people in Starbucks and you... You know, I remember doing this research, I couldn't believe it. If you buy five people who you don't know their coffee, you get a biochemical change that has a lo- more lasting impact than most things you could purchase for yourself, and so including large purchases. So it's like, it's intelligent selfishness is the truth. You can't possibly do good and not feel good. When you want some self-esteem, do something worthwhile beyond just yourself.

Chris Williamson 32:41 The reflective glow of doing thing, something for everybody else is a... Yeah, it's an odd... It, it kind of makes it difficult to be selfless when you actually think in that way.

Tony Robbins 32:49 (laughs) It is. You can't be.

Chris Williamson 32:50 Like, the most selfish thing you can do is to be selfless. There is truly nothing that is particularly selfless-

Tony Robbins 32:54 That's right.

Chris Williamson 32:55 ... in that way. Yeah, just dig in a little more for me. I'm,

Chris Williamson 32:58 I'm really interested in, in framing, in how important framing is around being a little bit more positive in our lives. And, um, that second step, I understand changing what you focus on. You've spoken a lot on the podcast about mindfulness, about meditation, about the mindfulness gap, about controlling-

Tony Robbins 33:13 Yeah.

Chris Williamson 33:13 ... where you place your attention, about the reticular activating system.

Tony Robbins 33:16 Yep.

Chris Williamson 33:16 All this sort of stuff. I think the second step, the story that you tell yourself about what you're looking at, even if you've started to control, "I'm going to begin to focus a little bit more closely." That framing, the story that you tell yourself is a place that-

Tony Robbins 33:28 The narrative.

Chris Williamson 33:28 ... an awful lot of people get stuck.

Tony Robbins 33:30 Yeah.

Chris Williamson 33:30 So what, what do you rely on when it comes to that?

Tony Robbins 33:32 What do I rely on? What do you mean by that?

Chris Williamson 33:34 In terms of a strategy, how is it that you try to tell yourself the best framing, the best perspective, the best meaning that you can?

Tony Robbins 33:39 Well, I think, uh, um, you know, there are th- When you think about framing, I look at framing as three, three... I, I call pre-framing and reframing and de-framing. Most people are familiar with the reframing. Reframing is you came up with a meaning, and it's not so good, and so now you're going to change it or your, you want to do it with someone else. You're going to influence someone and they have this negative frame and you're going to reframe them. That's a lot harder than pre-framing. Pre-framing is... Well, I'll, I'll, I'll tell you a sample story to make it simple. Um, pre-framing is telling somebody, getting someone to focus on something, knowing in advance what you're going to focus on and giving it a meaning in advance before it happens. That's a lot easier than after it's happened. Because after it's happened, you have a meaning locked in to some extent-

Chris Williamson 34:24 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 34:24 ... especially if it's something that's painful, right?

Chris Williamson 34:26 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 34:26 So I'll give you a simplistic example. I remember one day I went and, um, I lived in San Diego, California, and I had a helicopter and I was flying up to LA, and I love flying. And that morning I got out and there... I had a couple cars to choose from and I chose this little Corvette I had in those days, wind in my hair, I'm gonna have fun. I drive, I fly to LA, I'm, I did this TV show and land on the roof. It was so much fun, I didn't even have to go to the airport, and flew back and I was just like in euphoria having a blast, you know? It was actually Bill Maher when he used to do his program up in LA. And, um, and then, then I got in the car, you know? And it's getting dark and I'm driving and, and sure enough... Oh, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm incorrect about things. The last minute I traded out that car. That's right. Um, my wife needed the car, so I traded out for, uh, the BMW 750iL. Why does that matter? So I'm driving home. The helicopter ride, that's not dangerous. I'm on the road. It's a, you know, long winding road from the airport to the main freeway area. And I come to the stoplight and I'm, I'm on the phone chatting as I'm waiting, you know, on the speakerphone. And all of a sudden I see these lights are coming really fast and really fast and so... Then it gets so fast, I was like, "Oh my God, is this guy gonna break?" And before I could finish thinking the thought, (hands clap) at 65 miles an hour, that guy hits me from behind. He fell asleep at the wheel, right? So I can remember everything in slow motion. You know, in those days they had to, you know, your tape deck in there and it went flying past my head in slow motion. (laughs) And I mean, everything changes when you're in that kind of an experience. I'm sure if you've ever experienced it, you know what I mean?

Chris Williamson 35:53 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 35:55 And, and all I remember is waking up and the fire people extracting me out of the other side of, of, uh, the, the, the car. And they're like, "Want to take me to the hospital?" And I was like, "No, I'll see my chiropractor in the morning." And then I woke up the next morning, I couldn't move. (laughs) It was pretty rough. But the reason I tell you this story is eventually I got well and I needed to go buy another car-Well, I never had the criteria before of safety. (laughs) But that car, they all, everybody told me, "That car saved your life." That car literally if, you know, if it wasn't the Corvette, it would've been-

Chris Williamson 36:23 Just as well it wasn't the Corvette.

Tony Robbins 36:24 Yeah. No, just as well. I wouldn't be here if it was the Corvette.

Chris Williamson 36:26 Wind in your hair, but your head's on the tarmac.

Tony Robbins 36:27 (laughs) Exactly right. So, why'd I tell you that? So, I go looking for a car. So, I thought, "You know, this BMW, though, is a damn good car, but I want a, another sports car. I'm gonna get another 750iL, but let me get a sports car to place that Corvette that, you know, I mean, I want something that's sturdy and so forth." So, the guy took me to one of those 325is, whatever they were called in those days. I forget what it was. You know, stick shift, and I see, he said, "You know," he got me in the car, and he said, "Now before we go out, I wanna tell you, I'm gonna take you on this winding road. It's amazing. And you know, this, this is the ultimate driving machine." He said, "It's not like your 750iL. Your 750iL, you don't feel the damn thing." He goes, "When you get in this car and you shift into it," and he goes, "we drop into one, you'll feel the wheels catch into it and grab it." He said, "You'll see this is the ultimate car." So, what's he doing?

Chris Williamson 37:12 Pre-frame.

Tony Robbins 37:12 He's pre-framing me 'cause we're gonna go through a construction area that's all beat up, right? (laughs) So, we're going through a construction area and in the 750, I wouldn't have felt anything, right? It just voom, smoothed, but it was do, do, do, and it, and it's bouncing around. And even though I know what he just did, my brain was like, "Oh, yeah. It is really digging in," right? (laughs) You know? If he had tried to tell me after I'd done that, I would've thought, "Well, that's a piece-of-crap car." Because he pre-framed me. So, I pre-frame myself. And the way, I do what I call priming. You're familiar with the principle of priming, right? So, most of us think we're having our own thoughts. Most of our thoughts have been primed by the environment. So, an example would be, um, they did a study at Harvard where they took, um, four actors, two men, two women. They had 'em rehearse doing the exact same presentation, and you'd be in a mall or a coffee shop or something, and, and they'd walk up to you, and they had a coffee in their hand, and they'd go, "Could, could you hold this for me for a second?" And then they look down. They don't wait for you to say yes. And 90 f- 98% of the people take the coffee, and they take out their phone, do something, and they say, "Thank you so much," and that's the whole interaction. But they rehearsed the same facial expressions, the same movements. Everybody's the same. They go out and they do this. One variable: half the people, they gave 'em hot coffee. Half the other people, they gave iced coffee. 15 minutes later, somebody comes by with a little, you know, checkboard here, and they go, "Excuse me, I have $20 here. There's no scam here. We have this really important study under a tight timeline. Uh, would you give us one minute of your time for d- for $20? You'll just read these three paragraphs of the story and answer these two questions." (clears throat) They read the story, and then the question is, "What's, how would you describe the main character of the story? How would you describe them?" Well, interestingly, the people that given hot coffee, 81% said the person was warm and genuine. The people who were given iced coffee said the person was cold and uncaring. And it's the exact same story, the exact same ratios, 81 versus 80%, just give you an idea. All they did was 15 minutes earlier have something that framed them, as you would say, right? So, it happens all the time. It happens, you know, if, if they did a study where they took IBM and they took Apple, and they did m- a little creativity test or something, and they did two things. They'd have them look at the IBM logo and then take the test, or the Apple logo, and then they did their commercials. And a commercial for Apple back in those days, uh, it was "Think Differently," right? 22% higher score if they looked at either the Apple logo or the commercial on the exact same test, no other criteria difference, to give you an idea. So, you can g- you can test so many things in this area. So, I get up every morning and my first discipline, you know, I'm not a meditator per se. Um, I don't, I don't know anybody good at not having any thoughts. (laughs) Um, but I thought, "I want to prime myself." That's my goal. So, I do a, a breathing pattern, like a, you know, breath of fire-type thing to change my physiology for just two minutes, and then I do three things and I do it for just 10 minutes 'cause my view is if you don't have 10 minutes for your life, you don't have a life. And I wanna, I want to prime myself so whatever comes into this world, I have the best chance of handling it really well. And I, and I'm training my nervous system. What's the emotion I wanna train? Gratitude. Why? We all know the two emotions that destroy your relationship, your business, your life, it's fear and anger. Those are the two extremes. You can't be grateful and fearful simultaneously. You can't be angry and grateful simultaneously. So, what I do is I start my day, I make those changes, then I close my eyes or I look out at the water and I think of three things that I'm grateful for for just a minute each. But I don't think of it like over there, like, uh, if you've m- ever been on a roller coaster and I ask you what it's like. Some people remembered it over there. No, I remember it like I'm in the front seat going over the edge 'cause then you get the authentic s- biochemical changes. So, I'm there. And I do two strong things and usually one simple thing, like the wind in my hair, or my daughter's smile, or something of that nature so I don't just get wired for own- unbelievable things. But that, that primes that nervous system. And then the second thing I do is I take three minutes and it's kind of like a blessing or a prayer for m- the people around me, for the people I love. I start close and I send it out there. And there's been a lot of studies, I'm sure you've read, that Dalai Lama and others have done on compassion for strangers, what it does to your brain. And so I do it every day. And then the last three minutes, I call three to thrive, where I focus for a minute each on something I really wanna make happen. But I don't sit there and pray for it or hope for it. It's like I give thanks for it as it's done, I see it as done, I experience it as done. I wire my reticular activating system. I can speak in shorthand to you about this. So now, it's gonna notice anything that relates to that, but it has a joyous feeling to it as well. And I'm done in 10 minutes, and I'm ready to rock and roll. So then, you know, I do my cold plunge and I, you know, I do all m- the parts of my normal daily ritual. But that one I do. And then I'll have like, uh, 60 seconds, you know, of, of joy or 60 seconds of peace that I'll do in the middle of the day, and I'll just think of one of those things if I wanna reactivate it. But that pre-frames me, right?

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Tony Robbins 43:12 But then I also have certain beliefs, we all have beliefs that pre-frame you or not, and one of the core beliefs I developed over the years was just that I think everything happens for a reason. I think there's a higher purpose. I think it's my job to find it. Uh, I think that life happens for us, not to us, but it's our job to figure it out. A lot of times it feel like s- something's happening to me. So I, I, I'll give you an example. It's like, not being fed as a child, you know, I've fed, um, well, 10 years ago I decided, I'd been feeding people my whole life, since I was 17, two people, four, eight, I built it up to a couple million people a year. My foundation fed two million, I fed two million, and then I was writing this book M- Money Master the Game and I'm interviewing Ray Dalio and Carl Icahn and Warren Buffett and, you know, all these multi-billionaires. And Congress had just cut, uh, food stamps, which they call the SNAP program now, by $6 billion. That means every family would have to give up a week's worth of food unless people like you and I showed up. So I called my team and I said, "How many people have I fed in my lifetime?" And they said, "42 million." And I was like, "Wow, I didn't..." I was thrilled. It wasn't a number I knew. And I said, "What if I did that in a year? What if I did as much as I'd done in my whole life in a year, 50 million, and what if I did, what if I did a hundred million a year? What if I did a hundred million a year for 10 years and did a billion meals?" And I did it in eight years with partnership through Feeding America. And it's like, when you do that, when you, when you produce a result that seemed impossible, then what's next gets even bigger and even more available, right? It just expands. You're pre-framed to be able to do even more, versus reframe. And so, so now, uh, because of the war in Ukraine, most people don't realize it's the bread basket for Africa, so there's about 11 nations that are on the verge of famine. You'll never hear about it in the news. No one cares. Um, and then you need fertilizer. 50% of the world's supply, wor- food supply comes fr- fertilizer. The WF doesn't want you to use it because of the environment, but you need it, and it's in Russia and it's been cut off. So I talked to doctor, uh, to Governor David, uh, David Beasley, who's head of the World Food Program, brilliant guy, actually, and MBS put us together one day. He said, "You two are feeding the most people I know, I want to put you together." And I said, "H- how big is the problem?" He said, "Tony, normally you'd be in a position where, you know, maybe there's, you know, eight million people that are in the verge of starvation." He goes, "This year it's 350 million." And he goes, "And no one's doing anything about it." And I said, "So why don't we, how many meals would we need over the next 10 years to make the transition till we get sustainability?" He said, "You need 10 years." I said, "What would it be?" And he said, "I don't know, Tony. Maybe 50, 60, 70 billion meals?" I said, "Let's do 100 billion meal challenge over the next 10 years." I said, "I did a billion, I wasn't a billionaire when I started." I said, "You- you're gonna get blessed by doing these things. I'm sure I can find 99 other people somewhere in the world to do this." And when I went to do it, I, I was shocked, 'cause I had pre-framed myself this would be easy (laughs) , right? And I went to somebody, without mentioning names, who's a b- brilliant philanthropist and a beautiful man who's helped me when I did my billion meals, and, um, and he said, "Well, Tony, how much is that gonna cost?" I said, "Well, it'll cost me about 100 million bucks over 10 years, you know. You're doing a, you're doing, uh, 100 million meals a year for 10 years," and this guy's worth about $20 billion, and he said to me, "That's beyond my pay grade." And so I had to kind of re-evaluate. But because I kept pre-framing myself this is a must, this is not a should, it's not a reframing job, um, I just came up with a different plan and I'm really proud to tell you we did 30 billion meals, we just announced, in our first two years, and we're on track this year to be at 60 billion. And what seemed like an absolutely impossible task is there. There is another skill besides pre-framing and re-framing. De-framing. De-framing is when you destroy the frame of reference. So, in business, you know, one of the things you have to know is, like, I believe it's my privilege to serve people, but I also believe it's their privilege to be able to learn. And that's not an ego thing, it's just like, it's a mutual privilege, meaning I got to earn the right to be able to serve you and you got to be a reasonable person for me to want to serve you too. And I made a change in one of my events, this is like 20 years ago, and, um, and one of the things I did is there was a 14-day program and the world changed. And so we brought it down to 10 days, or I think it was f- 12 days to 14 in those days, and I had some open days with some stretches and things. It was a very intensive program. But, um, I was like, "I- I need to make it tighter so people can, th- commit the time and come." And I figured out how I'm gonna add even more value. How am I gonna make this even more useful? So I did. And there was this one woman who went crazy and she started attacking me and she called my offices up and said, "I want my money back and I'm gonna tell everybody else Tony Robbins is screwing us," and everything else. And my team was all freaked out and I said, "No, no, no, no." I said, "Fire her." They said, "What?" I said, "Fire her as a customer." I said, "You call her, 'cause it's not her first event, she knows how incredible things are or she wouldn't be coming to this 14-day event, 12-day event." I said, "If she's gonna say that, first of all, I'm happy to give her money back, um, we have money back guarantee on everything. So g- give her money back and say, 'We wanna give your money back but want you to know you- you can never come to an event again.'"

Chris Williamson 48:13 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 48:14 Because you're no longer one of our customers 'cause you know better. You know Tony always adds 10 times the value, right?Long story short, this lady starts fighting-

Chris Williamson 48:21 (laughs)

Tony Robbins 48:21 ... to stay on. The women- my staff couldn't believe it, right? "'Cause you deframed her. You took away the frame of reference. You destroyed it."

Chris Williamson 48:27 Mm-hmm.

Tony Robbins 48:27 Right? And I said, "No, no, no. You don't understand." She went, "No, I have a right to come." "No, you don't." (laughs) You know, "I have to earn your respect. I gotta deliver for you. You gotta deliver for me too." "You're not. You're not a customer anymore and you can't come here." The lady fl- it was in Hawaii. She flew to Hawaii and demanded to see me. "The program's gonna start. You have to let me on this program," right? I said, "If you wanna go make a public apology for what you've done," I said, "that'd be acceptable to me." I said, "But you knew better. You just did this to get attention." And I said, "So I- I- I bought back your seat and I told you to send us any of your friends that want their seats back 'cause we need the seats." We really did, right? And so that was the end of it. And my- it gave a lesson to everybody on my team and I try to teach it to business owners. Like, not everybody's your customer. I'm not the right person for everybody, right? No, you're the right person for everybody. We have unique styles or approaches and- and so we're not here to try to please everybody. We're here to try and serve the people that are really interested in being served. So preframe, reframe, and deframe as frames of references, but I think preframe is the most valuable. And if somebody wants to learn to do the- the priming, you can go to tonyrobbins.com/uh, priming. There's no charge for it and there's a video I'll guide you through it if you wanna try it.

Chris Williamson 49:39 One of my friends used to work in a retail store and he observed one of his bosses do something that was kind of interesting with the deframing thing. So somebody had come up and there'd been some sort of an issue, I think, with the way that, uh, one of the members of staff had given them clothes that they were trying on, something el- something had occurred, but the customer was completely at fault. It was all them. And they came over to the supervisor and said, "This is a problem and this is- I need to speak to the manager." And the manager immediately one-upped and said, "Tell me exactly who did this. I'm gonna get them fired on the spot." And this person immediately-

Tony Robbins 50:14 That's right.

Chris Williamson 50:14 ... completely flipped what they were thinking.

Tony Robbins 50:16 That's right.

Chris Williamson 50:16 And he turned to my friend afterward and he said, "Only one person's allowed to be in the angry boat."

Tony Robbins 50:20 (laughs) That's great.

Chris Williamson 50:24 I love it.

Tony Robbins 50:25 I love it too. It breaks the pattern.

Chris Williamson 50:26 Exactly, yeah.

Tony Robbins 50:27 And that's all it really is, right? Changing the frame is breaking the pattern.

Chris Williamson 50:30 Correct.

Tony Robbins 50:30 But easier to break the pattern before it starts.

Chris Williamson 50:32 Yes, yes.

Tony Robbins 50:32 Much easier. And then, by the way, it becomes you train your nervous- your neurons, you're training your nervous system to think that way.

Chris Williamson 50:39 That's the ruthless thing about habits, right?

Tony Robbins 50:41 Yeah.

Chris Williamson 50:41 The- the Matthew Principle of to those who have more, more will be given, to those who have less, more will be taken.

Tony Robbins 50:46 Yeah, it's true.

Chris Williamson 50:46 And, uh,

Chris Williamson 50:47 yet, the- you know, you've worked with, uh, h- how many people have you serviced in person now, do you know?

Tony Robbins 50:52 (laughs) Well, I think in live events we've had, um, I think it's 15 million people total, 'cause you know, I've done these big ones like, you know, where I do a million people at a time now for some of these events, it's insane.

Chris Williamson 51:03 So books, live events, in-person, online, audio courses. What have you come to understand about the things that can be achieved from people in a group context that maybe can't be achieved through self-directed learning?

Tony Robbins 51:20 I- I- I would... I think anything can be done dr- uh, anything can be done by self-directed learning personally. I- I just think it accelerates when you create an environment where it maximizes. So, you know, low energy, uh, you get- I have a frame, you may disagree with this massively.

Chris Williamson 51:37 Mm.

Tony Robbins 51:37 Uh, you get in your head, you're dead. Um...

Chris Williamson 51:39 Mm.

Tony Robbins 51:40 I- I think, when I say, you have to have a head and heart connected, right? It's like, why don't people transform? 'Cause they're- they're in their head about it, they're thinking it through. They think if I understand this, then it'll just happen. Uh, it's absurd. Um, you know, if you're good at something, you've trained it into yourself. You know, I- I'm fortunate enough to own several sports teams or pieces of sports teams and I've, you know, championships rings all these sports, so you know, I wanted to be an athlete, so I relived it in a different way. But you know, the Golden State Warriors are one of the ones I have a piece of and I got a chance to work with them their championship seasons and work with the players. It's been totally fun. But like, you look at somebody like Steph Curry and you see this guy who, you know, shoot the ball from almost half court, trumping on the side of his thing and he turns, he doesn't even look, he turns around and just waves 'cause he knows it's in already and his swish and the crowd goes crazy and people look at that and go, "He's not- he- he's un- he is, he's unbelievable. He's unbelievable. He's the greatest three point shooter in history. There's no one like him." But what they don't pay attention to is that isn't like a little gift, right? He shoots 500 shots every single day, never less than that seven days a week for more than 15 years, his 15-year professional career. He's been doing it since before he was in college. His dad really trained him. So think of that, 3,500 shots a week, 168,000 shots in a year, 2.52 million shots in his 15-year, no, you know, NBA career so he can make 3,600 shots. Not even one-tenth of 1%. I tell people, "You get rewarded in public for what you practice in private." Your training of your nervous system to do things is what really matters most and you can't just be in your head. So I believe, to answer your question, you know, the reason I still do events is that an event provides, first of all, immersion. You can learn a language a little bit at a time and you know, you ask most people, unless they live in a place where they have to use the language and they learned another language in- in high school and college, they don't speak it anymore. They don't remember 10 words. But if you wanted to learn Italian and you have the time and money, I'd just drop you in Italy, drop you in Rome and pick you up four months later. There is zero question you're gonna speaking Italian 'cause you're seeing it, feeling it, breathing it, doing it. So that's why I do 12 hours a time, four days and people think it sounds insane, but it's only insane if you're not enjoying it and people love it. Even people that get dragged there because we engage all their senses, not just their head and so when all your needs are being met simultaneously, time flies. It's like a minute can feel like an eternity when you don't like what's going on. Hours fly by when you're really having great experience. So I believe the environment where we produce that much energy produces it. Now, when COVID happened, give you a good example. Suddenly, I'm used to doing stadiums all over the world, and the first one I get is a phone call from Gavin Newsom's office in California, I'm about to do a program in San- San Jose, San Francisco for 14,000 people, and his office calls us and says, "We're really sorry, you can put 100 people in the stadium." (laughs) I'm like, "We got 14,000 people, that's not possible." So my whole thing is, okay, screw that, we're going to Vegas. They'll never shut down Vegas. 10 days outside of a Vegas after moving 14,000 people to go there, they shut down Vegas. So I'm like, "Screw it, we're going to Texas, their own country." The governor says he won't melt, he's not gonna bend, you know? I- I got a friend in Houston that has a big church there, 14,000 people, perfect. We rent the place, two weeks out, they shut down there. I'll do it in movie theaters, 1,400 movie theaters will- will do this where, um, you know, we'll put 10 people in every movie theater. That was what they limited us to, but they'll have a big screen, they'll have great sound, and they'll have some interaction. W- we're gonna make this work. They shut down the movie theaters. So I built the studio and I did something I wouldn't have done anything without necessity, which was like, I need to reach people where they are right now, 'cause I don't know how long they're gonna be stuck at home. This goes way beyond business, I got plenty of companies, plenty of money, but it's like, how do I serve in this time? And so it's like, okay, I'm gonna- I'm gonna do a seminar where there's no money involved, 'cause what's in the way? Money, travel, 'cause most of the people usually fly to another country to see me and that kind of thing. And- and even time, I wanna give them immersion, but not enough that it's overwhelming to them. And so I- I set up this program where we're gonna do three days, three and a half hours, three hours each day, kind of like going to a movie but one that changes your life, and let's invite people from all over the world. And the first one we had 383,000 people for instead of 15 or 20,000 people for a seminar, and then the second one was 600, and then the next... so last year was almost one and a half million people, and I'm doing one again this year, and I'm super excited about it. It's one of the reasons I wanted to do your podcast, I want get the word out 'cause I know there are a lot of young men in your audience that are looking to create a meaningful life, take things to another level, and they may not know if this is worthwhile or not, but they can come and they can do it from wherever they are. They can do it from their office or home, they can do it with a friend, um, there's no charge for it. It's not partially free, it's totally free, but the stories and examples that come out of it when people get an environment like that, I- I'll give you an example of just a fun one 'cause I saw him the other day. It's a gentleman, um, named Matt who never would have made it to one of my seminars. Why? He's in bed, he weighs over 700 pounds, he's on oxygen, he can't leave the bed to even go to the bathroom, he does it through tubes, right? Doctor says he'll never be off oxygen as long as he lives, but we're using Zoom and so I'm interacting with people live all over the earth, and, you know, the one thing I ask for is, I don't ask for money, but I ask you to do an assignment each night and put it on Facebook, and then I'm up all night watching all these 'cause it's so compelling to see how people's lives are changing. So I saw this guy, so I brought him on the next day. He's in the bed, he's watching on the screen 'cause it's free and he doesn't have to go anywhere (laughs) and he can do it, might as well make use of it. He got so inspired, he says, "I want to get out of this bed. Doctor says I can't do this." I said, "Well, let's chunk it." You know, what are the first steps? First we gotta get some upper body strength, and I said, "What have you got nearby?" And he had like this, like thing you hang coats on so I said, "We're gonna start with that," right? So he's in bed doing this little thing, and I said, "I tell you what we're gonna do." I said, "You're gonna sit down," didn't go through the timeline, but I said, "If you can get this done in the next four months where you can get out of bed, go to the bathroom, make it into a car," I said, "I'll fly you to my event, we'll walk on fire together, we'll have this experience." He's lost now over 300 pounds, 300 and... I think 25 was the latest number. He's inspired everybody in the community that's there. He drives a car now. He fell in love with a lady and so I sent him my resort in Fiji so he could go celebrate and everything else. He's got a completely different life. He would've never done that in a million years. So it's my way of saying, yes, I can bring the event to you, which I didn't believe before, you know, I didn't believe I could do that, but now we'll start at 10:00 AM, let's say, in Florida here, to do a, let's say, a four-day seminar that I'm gonna do, and we got people from 193 countries participating, and we got 30,000 people instead of 10 or 15 or 20,000, and it's already midnight in- in Sydney, Australia, and I go 13 hours, so they're gonna be up from midnight to one in the afternoon for four days and we lose 3% of the people. So I've found that that environment can- can work as well because we've learned how to... You know, when people go to a ball game and they get shown on the screen, we know how to keep everybody so engaged, but I also get to see them, Chris, in their home, how they live. You know, I get to see them with their dog and with their kid. I watch the sunrise and (laughs) set while I'm still speaking, and what their level of focus is and where they go, and I can call them and say, "John, what are you doing right there?" And I don't know the person's name in a live seminar, right? That guy jumps up, you know? And I have these giant screens. I built this 50-foot-high building with 20-foot-high LED screens, .67, highest resolution in the world. I can see every pimple, every move, every- everything on you. So that environment is more powerful to me than just self-directed, but some people are self-directed, they say, "Screw you, I don't need that shit and I can do it on my own." I believe that too, so a book or a tape or something is there. But I find it accelerates the experience massively, 'cause it's also... it's like going to, you know, a- a game and there's 1,000 people in the audience or there's, you know, 50,000. I mean, there's... emotions are contagious. You know, if somebody yawns, "Oh, don't do that," you start to yawn, right? You know, or if somebody laughs, and you f- start to laugh. So I love using that dynamic as an accelerator.

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Chris Williamson 1:01:13 What does your pre-event ritual look like? You talk a lot about energy, about energy levels.

Tony Robbins 1:01:19 Of course.

Chris Williamson 1:01:19 And I'm fascinated by how you get yourself into the space where you can deliver. I'm aware that you need to do the conditioning. You actually need to have the sort of base level of fitness and stuff like that.

Tony Robbins 1:01:28 Say the least, yes.

Chris Williamson 1:01:29 But, uh, the priming period and the build-up to going to do one of these things, can you take me through what that looks like?

Tony Robbins 1:01:36 Well, um, a couple of days in advance. You know, I'm about to do a six-day program right now for business owners from all over the world. Um, well, I start to... I- I start to jot down my notes of what are some of the things I'm most passionate about, beliefs I have right now that are- are currently a- alive in me. You know, I have, uh, 114 companies now. It's pretty wild. (laughs) We do $9 billion in business. I have no business background. I learned, just learned from brilliant people, and I learned the patterns, you know, that make things work. So, I think, "What are the most important ones I'm learning and experiencing now that I wanna bring?" I review what I know fundamentally people need to know in those areas. Then I start reading different articles and start loading myself up with some other entrepreneurs' recent thoughts. And then- and then I'm doing all my physical training, of course, which is very, very intense, right? So that I'm ready to go 12 hours a day, 13 hours a day on stage. And then the morning of, I do my priming, and then I have, um-

Chris Williamson 1:02:25 That's the same process that we spoke about before.

Tony Robbins 1:02:27 That's right.

Chris Williamson 1:02:27 Just 10- 10 minutes with a little bit of cold plunge, ice bathy stuff after.

Tony Robbins 1:02:30 Yeah, all that, and then- and then what I do is I- I get up. I have a little mind map of- of what... Uh, you know, I have my outcomes. I'm not driven like a script. I have certain fundamentals that you- you learn to speak, and they... You speak them well, and you know the impact it's gonna have. But they're all like deposits in the bank of your life, so that when something comes up, you can pull from those. But then there's all the things that happen spontaneously that make it fun. So I'll lay out what I think the sequence of what I'm gonna do is, and then you get in the room, and you feel people, and it all changes. But my last thing that I do is, quite honestly, just a prayer. It's like, "Use me, Lord." I made this physical ritual of I shift my body pretty radically, and I go into this state, "Use me," and then I get up on stage, and- and then I have this plan, and the plan goes out the window.

Chris Williamson 1:03:11 (laughs)

Tony Robbins 1:03:12 (laughs) You know, I often work till 2:00 in the morning with my team, laying out what we're gonna do, and they all... Now, they all know that it's just entertainment. But I'll use a lot of it, but maybe not in that syntax 'cause I- I feel it. And also, that's what makes it art. I'd be bored out of my mind if it was exactly the same every single time.

Chris Williamson 1:03:26 It's this balance between, uh, control and being in the moment. You were saying before about-

Tony Robbins 1:03:30 Mm-hmm.

Chris Williamson 1:03:30 ... one of the things that people want is this sense of control.

Tony Robbins 1:03:33 Yes.

Chris Williamson 1:03:33 And if I can plan very effectively in advance, if I know all of the different ways that this could go, the different permutations, and if this happens, then I'm gonna do that, and if that happens, then I'm gonna do this. Uh-

Tony Robbins 1:03:41 And that never really happens that way.

Chris Williamson 1:03:42 It- it doesn't at all, and I think that that's one of the-

Tony Robbins 1:03:44 But it awakens your nervous system, I think, to prepare. Like, I could get up there at this point with my pinky and not prepare at all, but when people... Uh, ask my wife, "What's something about Tony that nobody understands?" And