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Modern WisdomThe Secret Games Women Play - Dr Tracy Vaillancourt
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At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Female Friendships, Sexy Peers, And The Hidden Economy Of Slut-Shaming
- Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt explains how women's intrasexual competition often manifests as indirect aggression—gossip, exclusion, subtle nonverbal slights—rather than overt conflict. Drawing on her research, she shows that women are especially intolerant of sexually provocative or highly attractive peers because such women threaten a shared “sexual cartel” that maintains the value of sex as a resource. She connects these dynamics to bullying, status hierarchies, and the mental health crisis in girls, including how social media amplifies jealousy, social comparison, and exclusion. The conversation also covers why anti-bullying programs largely fail, how bullying biologically embeds itself in developing brains, and what might help individuals and systems respond more effectively.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasWomen often police other women’s sexuality to protect a shared bargaining resource.
Vaillancourt’s work supports the idea that women historically benefited from limiting men’s access to sex; women who are seen as highly promiscuous or overtly sexy lower the ‘market price’ of sex, prompting other women to punish or derogate them (slut-shaming, social exclusion) as a cartel-like enforcement mechanism.
Women’s aggression is predominantly indirect, sophisticated, and highly effective—especially against other women.
Rather than physical confrontation, women more often use gossip, exclusion, eye-rolls, and silent treatment; women are extremely attuned to these cues and show stronger physiological and emotional responses to them than men, which makes these tactics powerful tools of social control.
High-status bullies are usually well-liked, attractive, and powerful—not marginalized outcasts.
Contrary to the ‘damaged loner’ stereotype, Vaillancourt’s and others’ research finds that many school bullies sit at the top of the social hierarchy, leveraging valued traits (attractiveness, athleticism, wealth) to gain influence and then using aggression to keep near-rivals in check.
Early-developing girls and highly attractive or competent females are prime targets for aggression.
Girls who hit puberty early or excel (in sport, looks, or status) often elicit jealousy and are punished by peers—bullied, excluded, or undermined—because they draw male attention or status away from others, violating implicit ‘know your place’ norms in female peer groups.
Social media magnifies female jealousy, FOMO, and relational anxiety, worsening mental health.
Women spend more time scrutinizing appearances and relationships online, and Vaillancourt’s data show they experience more friendship-related social media jealousy (e.g., not being tagged, seeing friends out without them), which predicts higher depression and anxiety.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesWe love certain women and we promote certain women. We’re not the angels that we purport to be.
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt
Women who make sex too readily available compromise the power-holding position of the group, which is why many women are particularly intolerant of women who are or seem to be promiscuous.
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt
The form of intrasexual competition in women is indirect aggression.
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt
The reason why women make themselves smaller is not because of men. They make themselves smaller so that they don’t attract the negative attention of women.
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt
If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable. How do we change our behavior if we can’t acknowledge it?
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt (quoting Mr. Rogers and applying it to her work)
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
