What Women Really Want In The Bedroom - Emily Morse

1. 0:00 – 0:35

   Intro

   1. EMEmily Morse0:00

      Most of the things that you are worried about when it comes to sex, your performance, your penis size, your body shape, the way you're performing oral sex, your left boob is bigger than your right boob, or whatever the things you're worried about, have like literally zero to do with any sort of pleasure or satisfaction. And people will tell you they have the best sex, it was never because of like the shape of the penis, the, all these things. It's about connection, it's about intimacy, it's about feeling safe, it's about experimenting. It's about really being with someone where you want them to have the most pleasure and they want the same for you. (wind blowing)

   2. CWChris Williamson0:33

      Have you looked at

2. 0:35 – 9:00

   Why Are We Having Less Sex Than Previous Generations?

   1. CWChris Williamson0:35

      how much sex people are having in the modern world?

   2. EMEmily Morse0:37

      (laughs)

   3. CWChris Williamson0:37

      Are we having more or less sex than previous generations?

   4. EMEmily Morse0:41

      Apparently, we're having less sex than previous generations. Media can't get enough of these studies that they're doing that people are not having sex, young people aren't having sex. And turns out people in relationships are having the same amount of sex that they've always had, but younger generations are not doing it.

   5. CWChris Williamson0:58

      Interesting. That's, I mean, that's one of the first things that I learned when starting to look at this, which is almost all sex, it's something like 95% of sexual activity within any given year occurs only within relationships. So people think about the singletons that are spraying it all over the place, and it's not.

   6. EMEmily Morse1:15

      No.

   7. CWChris Williamson1:15

      It's the people that are in relationships that have almost all of the sex.

   8. EMEmily Morse1:19

      It's true. And it is alw- and that's been that way for a long time. It's just that, yeah, like you said, but, but people, people aren't just out there dating as much or they're not having sex as much and they're just more, you know, finding satisfaction elsewhere and not prioritizing it, which is really interesting. It's a thing.

   9. CWChris Williamson1:34

      Well, it's less of a, it's less of a sex problem than it is a singleton problem in that case. What about... Okay, what have you looked at to do with the relationship between, uh, s- having sex and people's happiness? Do people that have regular access to physical touch, are they, do they live longer? Are they, are they-

   10. EMEmily Morse1:54

       Yes.

   11. CWChris Williamson1:54

       ... happier in life?

   12. EMEmily Morse1:55

       All the things. (laughs) Everyone who has more touch, more sex, more connection are definitely happier in life. They report having more pleasure, more life satisfaction. They live longer. You know, touch is a requirement. It really is. There's, there's something called skin hunger, and that's a real condition, that we need physical touch. We require it and as animals. Like we just, we wanna cuddle, we wanna touch. And I think a lot of times we talk about sex, but something that I always talk about is like sex is just part of it. I think a lot of times I think we, we think we're craving sex and how we define sex as like penetration, but really we're craving intimacy, and that could be holding hands, it could be kissing, cuddling, massage, you know? But s- sometimes you just, if you are feeling lonely, and we know we also have a loneliness epidemic and a sex epidemic apparently, but just getting a massage and finding a, cuddling a pu- holding a puppy. We, we require that as humans to thrive and it, it boosts our serotonin, our moods, everything.

   13. CWChris Williamson2:53

       I remember reading during the pandemic about women who were touch starved or touch isolated, uh, trying to find a way to not risk COVID but to also be able to, uh, get a hug off of, off a friend or off a stranger, and there were these support groups for women on the internet who hadn't touched another person for ages and it was-

   14. EMEmily Morse3:15

       (laughs)

   15. CWChris Williamson3:15

       ... affecting their mental health.

   16. EMEmily Morse3:16

       Yeah. No, um, sure. I, I didn't hear about that one, but I did have a massage therapist call into my show during the pandemic saying there was all these women coming to him and they were like, you know, asking for like a little something extra, a really happy, happy ending.

   17. CWChris Williamson3:30

       Wow.

   18. EMEmily Morse3:30

       And he had never had that before. Yeah.

   19. CWChris Williamson3:32

       Dear.

   20. EMEmily Morse3:32

       What a time to be alive.

   21. CWChris Williamson3:34

       These are the real costs of the pandemic.

   22. EMEmily Morse3:35

       (laughs)

   23. CWChris Williamson3:35

       I don't want to know about GDP and national debt.

   24. EMEmily Morse3:38

       (laughs) Right.

   25. CWChris Williamson3:39

       I want to know about the masseuses that have to do happy endings. That's what we're about.

   26. EMEmily Morse3:42

       Right. He wasn't complaining but...

   27. CWChris Williamson3:44

       Well, yeah. Maybe. Um, one of the other thing, I'm British, right? So our sensibilities when it comes to-

   28. EMEmily Morse3:51

       (laughs)

   29. CWChris Williamson3:51

       ... opening up and talking about sex are basically nonexistent. We're way too-

   30. EMEmily Morse3:54

       Right.
3. 9:00 – 16:33

   How Could a Sex-Positive World be Having Bad Sex?

   1. CWChris Williamson9:00

      is interesting to add into that is that I'm not convinced that the modern world is as sex-negative. You know, we've got kids that are now 16 years old who were born in, what, 2007.

   2. EMEmily Morse9:14

      Mm-hmm.

   3. CWChris Williamson9:15

      You know, 2007 wasn't pitch-burning, flag-carrying, you know, like, keep your... I mean, women's gay marriage legalized not long, not too long after that.

   4. EMEmily Morse9:24

      Right.

   5. CWChris Williamson9:24

      So it, it seems like a relatively sex-positive world. Yet young people still have a lot of reticence about talking about their sex. So, you know, there may be some of the older people, the older generation, perhaps my parents' generation, your parents' generation, who, who were influenced by that conservative thinking. I'm not sure, I, I wonder whether there's just something more embedded. I wonder whether it's something about, I don't know, the same way that you don't talk to your friends all the time about your bowel movements or about your athlete's foot or about like your-

   6. EMEmily Morse9:56

      Mm-hmm.

   7. CWChris Williamson9:56

      ... chronic flatulence or something.

   8. EMEmily Morse9:58

      (laughs)

   9. CWChris Williamson9:58

      I wonder whether there's just something r- kind of sacred about, or not even sacred, shameful, inherently shameful, and I guess what you're trying to do, opening up the conversation about sex, normalizing it, making it the sort of thing that people don't need-

   10. EMEmily Morse10:12

       Yeah.

   11. CWChris Williamson10:13

       ... to blush and look at the floor when they, when they discuss.

   12. EMEmily Morse10:16

       Well, you know, I, and I, and I think you're right. I think there is some shame around it, like, I don't want to... There's just some things that we don't want to talk about. But if I didn't have an example of the, in the Dutch countries, like in the Netherlands, it's the only place that I know of and that we've studied where they actually talk about, they start teaching sex education when kids are very, very young, like even when they're pre-verbal. Meaning they name the body parts. They'll say that those are your toes, and your knees, and your thighs, and your vagina, your vulva, your penis. Whereas in America, we might skip right over and be like, "Your knees, your thighs, your stomach, or your private parts." So at a young age, they start to normalize that. They name the parts. They talk about, um, consent when it comes to touching, like at a young age too. They'll like say, "This is your body and you have the right to have people touch it or not." And in their sex education, which they have every single year as kids get older, like literally from kindergarten to, to graduation, they talk about, um, they talk about, they have sex education. But where in America it's fear b- it's basically, "Don't get pregnant. Don't get an STI. Basically, don't have sex." It's all very mechanical and fear-based. In these Dutch countries, they talk about pleasure, and they talk about orgasm, and they talk about, yeah, like consent and asking for what you want. And I think that this lack of information here, where we don't really talk about the female orgasm, or there's like an orgasm gap, or there's all these missing things, that it just, it just, there's just a lot of missing information here, where we don't talk about how it can be pleasurable and great. But again, when you look at these countries, they show that the pregnancy rate is lower. The parents, the kids talk to their parents about sex. The parents will say, "Well, if you had sex, I hope it was pleasurable. I hope you had an orgasm." Like that might seem so cringy to everybody who is listening to this, but that's just because of the way we were socialized. How much better is it to be in a free, open world? Like your parents are like, you're playing at a soccer league. They're like, "How was your match? Did you win? Did you play right? How was your sex? Did you have pleasure? Cool. Did you use protection? Amazing. What's for dinner?" Like, why does it have to be so shameful?... right? Because the, the, the problem with that is that we walk around having pain, faking orgasms, um, like I did for many, many years. Um, l- 80% of women have pain during sex at some point in their life. Some women always have pain, but they never talk about it. We're like, "Well, I guess we gotta have periods and give birth and have pain during sex." Um, we don't... There's an orgasm gap where men have orgasms in 99% of sexual situations and women do not. Only 20% of women have sex during, during penetrative sex. Um, we, you know, women... And men take between, like, six and eight women to s- im- mist- orgasm, and women take between 20 and 40 minutes. So like, there's all these ways that if sex is really supposed to be this pleasurable, collaborative effort where we're all having a good fucking time, then it'd be so great to have information about it so we could actually do it in a way that feels good. So, this is where the disconnect is. Like, yes, people are having sex or they're apparently not having sex, but even when they are having sex, I think the quality of sex hasn't changed, and that is my mission, to be honest. My mission is to get people to have better sex and to d- and everyone gets to decide what that looks like, and I don't even think that we know what that looks like. And so that's what my mission is all about-

   13. CWChris Williamson13:39

       Mm-hmm.

   14. EMEmily Morse13:39

       ... and what my book is about, that I just like, literally it was like, I want people to know what's on the menu and what sex even can look like, and here's all the, here's a foundation for knowing if you're sexually healthy and what you need to know, and then you get to decide. Like, here's everything. Take what you like, leave the rest. But I think right now, since there's so much disparate information, we're just walking around like, "Why is sex so great at the beginning of the relationship, but it's not great six months in or a year in, dah, dah, dah?" Like, no, let's just fucking deal with it and have information and have a lot more pleasure in our lives. That's what I'm all about.

   15. CWChris Williamson14:15

       It is strange-

   16. EMEmily Morse14:16

       (laughs)

   17. CWChris Williamson14:16

       ... that we exist in a world with, that's got more information than ever before. We've managed to eradicate diseases, we've mastered the climate, we can fly across countries, we can do all sorts of things, communicate, and yet the quality of sex by the doctor, as she says-

   18. EMEmily Morse14:34

       (laughs)

   19. CWChris Williamson14:34

       ... doesn't seem to have improved. You know, the quality of our lives have improved by pretty much every other objective metric that you care to care about. Um, I wonder whether part of it is this sort of current... I- it's like a puritanical world where people are focused so much just on work and pleasure, uh, or enjoyment feels lazy. It feels, uh, like unnecessarily luxurious. You probably don't have time for it. It's at the bottom of your list-

   20. EMEmily Morse15:04

       (laughs)

   21. CWChris Williamson15:04

       ... of priorities.

   22. EMEmily Morse15:05

       Mm-hmm. Exactly. That's exactly it, and that's... What I mean, I... This, this is... My work is basically about pleasure, getting people to prioritize pleasure and not put conditions on pleasure, like it's only once I work out could I have dessert, or once I check everything off my list can I do, go do something that's fun for me. And my thesis, hypothesis is that really, that sex, that sex, well, that pleasure is productive, that the more pleasure you have, the more pleasure you work into your life, your schedule, your planning. You know, as you're planning your workouts or your times with friends or all the other things you're prioritizing, put pleasure on the map, put pleasure on your calendar, like, whatever that is. And I actually have in my book a, a pleasure percentage that I help people figure out like their pleasure formula of how many, if you look at it, there's like a formula of how many minutes in the day, how many minutes in the week, and you divide it up and you figure out like all the, the formula literally for how you can insert pleasure into your life and like look ahead and be like, "These are the things that make me feel good," 'cause otherwise they just don't happen, to your point. You're just like, "I don't deserve it. I didn't do enough." And the next thing you know, like weeks go by, months go by, you're like, "When was last time I did something that was just fun for me?" What is fun? Like, what is pleasure, really? Yeah, we work uh, so much. We all work so hard and we, we're on our phones, we're on our laps, like, e- we're always available. What's fun?

   23. CWChris Williamson16:29

       But we're not, we're not scheduling in, we're not scheduling in that pleasure time.

   24. EMEmily Morse16:32

       No.

   25. CWChris Williamson16:32

       Okay. You said,

4. 16:33 – 25:46

   Why Sex Gets Worse After the Honeymoon Phase

   1. CWChris Williamson16:33

      you said before something that's an interesting question, which is, why is sex so exciting at the beginning of a relationship, and why does it wane over time? What have you come to believe about that?

   2. EMEmily Morse16:41

      Well, I, th- this is the, uh, our biology speaking. There is something called the honeymoon phase, which is a real con- cycle, uh, biological condition that lasts anywhere from six months to two years, and what they show is that, you know, when something's new and exciting and we, you know, the novelty of being with someone new, we actually have looked at the brain wave patterns of people falling in love or in lust, and it's, it's, it looks like the people on cocaine. Like, if you look at people falling in love and lust, it's the same exact thing. You've got the dopamine, the serotonin. It's the, the most delicious cocktail of feel-good hormones flying around, and we feel amazing. But just like everything that feels great, it also has to come down, right? It comes up, it comes down, so then it stagnates, and then we're like, "Okay. Well, I'm not riding the waves of the fumes of the newness and excitement. What do we do about it? How do we keep it going?" And what we do crave after this period is, you know, before we start, the, the sex sort of flat lines, we do crave, like, novelty and newness and variety. And so, you know, but that's why, that's why it happens, and then that's when people usually come to find me. When they're like, "Okay. Now what do we do?" And since we don't have a lot of information about sex and we're not comfortable talking about sex and we com- compartmentalize sex, we really do. We kind of put it over there. We're like, "I'm gonna just close my eyes, get naked, and hope for the best. (laughs) Hope it's good, and then if it's not good, we don't know what the fuck to do, so..."... I help people how to figure out what they can do to make it keep it hot, keep it interesting, keep it fresh, and keep it going.

   3. CWChris Williamson18:15

      Pivoting from that, I think, it's the passionate to the companionate. Those are the two systems in Eve Psych speak.

   4. EMEmily Morse18:22

      (laughs)

   5. CWChris Williamson18:22

      And, uh, you have the one that is all-encompassing, you're concerned about why they've waited so long to text you back. You can't wait to see them again. It ruins your day because you can't not think about them. Uh, and then things do pivot, uh, but they pivot for an adaptive reason, right? That you-

   6. EMEmily Morse18:37

      Mm-hmm.

   7. CWChris Williamson18:38

      ... go from mate retention to family building. You're-

   8. EMEmily Morse18:41

      Mm-hmm.

   9. CWChris Williamson18:41

      ... no longer focused as much on trying to be obsessive to make sure that they're invested in you. You're both invested in each other and now-

   10. EMEmily Morse18:47

       Yeah.

   11. CWChris Williamson18:47

       ... we need to move forward. But I imagine that given that pleasure is something that needs to be prioritized, given that it's something that determines our quality of life, it makes us live longer, et cetera, et cetera, these two things almost kind of work against each other. So-

   12. EMEmily Morse19:00

       Mm-hmm.

   13. CWChris Williamson19:00

       ... one of the most common dynamics I think that people will see, especially those that are in relationships, are sex becoming routinized. The, the, the type of sex that you have, when you have it, where you have it, the way you have it, how long it lasts, the things you do, what are your pieces of advice for people who feel like sex is the same as a trip to McDonald's now? I know my order. I know what to expect. I know how long the wait's going to be, and I know what I'm going to feel like after I've finished, like what-

   14. EMEmily Morse19:29

       Mm.

   15. CWChris Williamson19:30

       ... will, what should you do?

   16. EMEmily Morse19:31

       Well, I think the first thing to do is to, if you're in a relationship, is to start to talk to your partner about sex. Really, my whole thing is communication is a lubrication. And the more that we talk about sex, the better sex we're going to have. So, really, it's finding out what, what kind of sex do we like having? What's interesting to us? Like, let's do a little bit of research, a little bit of digging, a little bit of reflective, you know, talking about what has worked in our relationship and what hasn't. So, you can talk about, for example, okay, so here's the thing. M- M- I w- I'm going to go out on a limb and say the majority of people in long-term relationships haven't really talked about their sex life in a way that is useful, in a way that can help them answer this question of what can we do to keep it hot and interesting. And so, you know, I actually, in, in this book, Smart Sex, I write about these five pillars, which are sort of the foundation and the tools of the way that people can check in with themselves and understand their own sexuality. 'Cause when I started writing this book, it was like, "Okay, I've got 20 years of knowledge. Here's all my best tips and tricks." And then I thought, I'm like, you know, everybody wants a quick fix when it comes to sex. Like, what's the toy? What's the lube? What's the sex position? And I give that, like I give that in droves in Smart Sex. I literally put everything in there. But then I realize that people really need an organizing principle around sex. I want people to understand there are five pillars, and that's going to help them understand who they are as a sexual being. They don't see the relationship between their sexual well-being, their emotional well-being, their mental well-being, their physical well-being, their spirituality, their, their, um, you know, their self-confidence, their self-acceptance, all of the things. So, there's all these factors that come into play. So, when I tell couples to talk about their sex life, there's a lot of different things going on. There's all the tips and tricks, like try this position, try this toy. But then there's what's going on with the individ- with, with you. And I really feel like I, what I set out to people, what I help people do is understand who they are sexually, so then they can relate to a partner. And they could figure out these like five pillars together. For example, like what, like the first one is, is embodiment, right? How in our body are we during sex? Do I know what makes me feel... When I'm having sex with someone, am I present? Am I feeling my partner's body, my hands? Do I, do I, you know, feel my feet on the ground? Like in any moment, how embodied are you? And then that's a conversation-

   17. CWChris Williamson22:05

       Is this a conversation, when it comes to embodiment and these five pillars-

   18. EMEmily Morse22:07

       Yeah.

   19. CWChris Williamson22:07

       ... is this something that someone's supposed to broach with a partner? Is this a, is it best to do it with a partner? Is it best to journal it? Is this supposed to be part of my morning meditation practice?

   20. EMEmily Morse22:16

       Yes.

   21. CWChris Williamson22:16

       What am I doing?

   22. EMEmily Morse22:17

       I love this, that you're asking this. So, I think so. I mean, 'cause I'm getting into the pillars now. But really for couples, this is just... Well, first of all, there's a sex IQ quiz that people could take on my website to c- figure out where you're at and where to start. But I do this. I, if I'm not in the mood for sex or I don't want something, I write down the five areas. And I think about, and I'll journal at the top of my- my notes in my phone, and I go around. I'm like, "Have I paid attention to all of these pillars? Do I... How is my health and wellness? Have I been working out? What's my blood flow like? Have I been communicating with my partner?" That's another one of the pillars, is collaboration. "Have I talked to you about what my turn-ons are? What makes me feel good in the bedroom? What doesn't?" Maybe I have some resentments too. So, you, just a way of kind of analyzing where you're at s- your sexual health and then, you know, figuring out, then, then talking to a partner about it. So, so really it's just, yeah, you could do this on your own. You could read this with your partner. You could figure out like what... So, the first thing is I have... And if you want to start more like at a base level, like if you're in a relationship with somebody and you've never talked about your sex life, a great place to start, like if we're just talking quickly, like if before we get into the psychological and emotional part of it, and you're like, "Right now, I want to know what's going on," talk about the three most memorable times you've had sex with each other, not with somebody else.

   23. CWChris Williamson23:32

       (laughs)

   24. EMEmily Morse23:32

       But be like, "What's our most memorable times you have sex?" And then you look at that, and you think, okay, what is, w- what, what was happening in those moments? What, why was it so great? Was there a new sex move? Was it, was there a lot of foreplay? Was there a lot of build-up? Had we not seen each other in a while? Was there a lot of oral sex? W- did someone almost walk in the room, and we thought we almost got caught? Like, what elements were happening? So, we can kind of reverse engineer what great sex feels like. When did we feel the most connected? What was happening? So, that's a great place to start.I have a yes, no, maybe list on my site that lists all of like the 80 sex acts out there that couples can kind of take a little quiz together and figure, I mean this is more like, "What, what are we into? Are we into kissing, spanking, dirty talk? Like what would be great?" But at the end of the day, Chris, at the end of the day, we have to understand, when do I get turned on? When do I get aroused? What time a month, what time of day? What conditions need to be present for my arousal? Do I need to have it... Like, if it's freezing in my house and it's a mess, I am shut down. I have no blood flow, I'm freezing, I'm shivering. I can't relax 'cause the dishes are in the sink. If I'm resentful with my partner because he hasn't like, he didn't come home when he said he was going to or we got in a fight last week, like there is no way that I'm in the mood for sex. If I'm in pain, if I'm having my period, if I'm... Right? So there's just, and we don't, we just think it's a magical switch that's gonna flip on at any moment, because it did early on in the relationship. So through this book, through these pillars, you could learn wh- at any time, it's kind of like your health. If you're not feeling in shape, you don't just go to the g- let's say you want to get in shape, right? You're not going to just go to the gym. You're going to, like if you want to be healthy, right? You're gonna go to the gym, you're gonna change your diet, you're gonna get your blood work done, maybe you're gonna amp your connections in your community and try to have your mental health. So the sex is the same way, but since we compartmentalize it, we're disconnected from it. I want people to realize it's, there's a holistic approach to understanding your overall wellness, and that includes your sexual health.

   25. CWChris Williamson25:37

       Cock blocked by the dishwasher. What a-

   26. EMEmily Morse25:40

       (laughs)

   27. CWChris Williamson25:40

       ... scenario to get yourself into.

   28. EMEmily Morse25:42

       It's true.

   29. CWChris Williamson25:42

       Yeah, I think- I think that you're right. You know, not being intentional

5. 25:46 – 32:54

   What are Today’s ‘Pleasure Thieves?’

   1. CWChris Williamson25:46

      about sex is, um, something that's super common. It's tied into by the shame.

   2. EMEmily Morse25:51

      Mm-hmm.

   3. CWChris Williamson25:51

      It's tied into by the fact that it's more difficult to speak to other people about. You know, you're not gonna... I applaud you and I thoroughly hope that people can have a- a more, uh, organic relationship with talking about sex. But I don't see a world in which I want to open up to my mom about eh, whatever's going on in my sex life. So, you know, given the fact that that's the case, it is, uh, one of the more challenging things for you to do. Um, talking about stuff that gets in the way, what are the most common emotions that get in the way or stop people from having pleasure?

   4. EMEmily Morse26:23

      Hm. The most common things that get in the way of pleasure (sighs) ... So I call these the pleasure thieves, and the first one is stress. Anxiety, stress, worry. If we are at a place where we are worried all the time, and anxious, and we're in our heads and we're worried about money, our jobs, our lives, we, we are n- not going to be able to prioritize our pleasure and make as much time for it. We're gonna be in our heads, which means we're not in our bodies. So that's, that's just a huge factor, and again, I think that people don't often see that connection between their lifestyle and their mental health and their sexuality. There's also, um, shame, as we covered, that if we have shame around our bodies, around our sexuality, around how we show up, thinking that we shouldn't be having sex, it's gonna be really hard to have connected, intentional sex. It really is. And then, trauma. If we have unhealed trauma, (sighs) any kind of trauma, big T trauma, little T trauma, that our body is in fight or flight and we are disassociate during sex, also gonna make it difficult for having sex. Those are some of the things.

   5. CWChris Williamson27:41

      All- all of these are... Well, no. Trauma, trauma to me feels like something, especially big T trauma is the sort of thing that it's not just enough to speak to your partner about, right?

   6. EMEmily Morse27:50

      No, therapy.

   7. CWChris Williamson27:50

      You probably need to go and get-

   8. EMEmily Morse27:52

      Yeah.

   9. CWChris Williamson27:52

      ... yeah, need to go and get professional-

   10. EMEmily Morse27:53

       I think therapy, listen, we all need therapy. We all need prof- I believe that we all could use therapy at some point in our life. I mean, it's just like getting a second opinion in your life. We do it in our business, right? We get a business coach, or our, b- your car breaks down, we go to the mechanic. Like if our relationship or our mental health, like, it just, it just, yeah. I'm just a huge fan of therapy. I really can't even believe it's something that people still don't realize that they could use. And it doesn't have to be like a traditional once a week therapist. People can find other ways to kind of do that internal work. I just think it's so important. I mean, another thing that's really k- keeping us from pleasure is medications. I don't think that we realize that antidepressants, birth control pills, um, some blood pressure medications, will directly impact our libido, our blood flow, our ability to get aroused, turned on, erect, lubricated, wet, and so again, the disconnect with lack of information. I mean, no one's reading the side effects on the side of a pill bottle, but they probably should, or maybe they heard it and they're like, "Oh, but it doesn't really affect me." It absolutely does. And these are also things we have to pay attention to so you can talk to your doctor about it, your medical doctor, and you can say, "I'm not okay with these side effects. Are there other things that I can do?"

   11. CWChris Williamson29:03

       These- these SSRIs are causing me to be basically impotent.

   12. EMEmily Morse29:06

       Exactly.

   13. CWChris Williamson29:06

       Have you had Dr. Sarah Hill on your show?

   14. EMEmily Morse29:08

       No. Mm-mm.

   15. CWChris Williamson29:09

       The lady that wrote This is Your Brain on Birth Control?

   16. EMEmily Morse29:13

       No, but I've had a few other birth control people on, but I'll, no, I haven't, but I'll write it down.

   17. CWChris Williamson29:17

       It'll be similar stuff to what you've seen, but she's phenomenal, and she looks at it through an evolutionary lens, which is great, and she's got some ovulatory window shift stuff in there, which is, which is interesting too. Uh, but they did a study with natural cycles, you know, the, uh, thermometer under the tongue, uh, people.

   18. EMEmily Morse29:33

       Mm-hmm.

   19. CWChris Williamson29:33

       So they actually worked with the company to have an in-app study that was done. All of the women who are on the Natural Cycles app are currently off birth control, 'cause why the fuck would you be tracking your cycle if you're on birth control?

   20. EMEmily Morse29:45

       Right.

   21. CWChris Williamson29:45

       They surveyed a bunch of the users and asked whether they met, whether they met their partner when they were on birth control or when they were off birth control. They then asked them to rate their current level of sexual satisfaction with their partner, and I think in the app, there is a journal entry that asks you to put your current level of, uh, arousal, or- or like sexual desire or something like that. They were then able to compare-... the level of sexual satisfaction from women that had met their partners when they were on and are now off, or met their partners when they were off and are now still off. Women who met their partners when they were on birth control and are now off had a lower level of sexual satisfaction with their partner-

   22. EMEmily Morse30:22

       Mm-hmm.

   23. CWChris Williamson30:22

       ... but both groups had the same level of sexual desire and arousal. So no difference in terms of sex drive, but a marked difference in terms of how much they were attracted to their partner. And you go, okay, has anybody ever told any girl ever when they go to go and get birth control at age 16 or something, "Beware that the partner that you end up with if you then decide to get off birth control..." Maybe you're married, maybe you've been together for four or five years, and you've never released yourself from this hormone-induced stupor, and you go, "Holy fuck, I'm in a relationship with somebody that I'm not that sexually compatible with-"

   24. EMEmily Morse31:00

       Mm-hmm.

   25. CWChris Williamson31:01

       "... when I don't have a ton of progesterone flowing through me."

   26. EMEmily Morse31:04

       Mm-hmm.

   27. CWChris Williamson31:04

       Um, it really, really, it, uh, s- like terrifying and, and fascinating.

   28. EMEmily Morse31:08

       Yeah. No, it is. I actually talk about this study in the book and I didn't know, I think it was... I wonder if it was the same study with Sarah Hell. I don't, I don't know that that's the name of it, but I... This is a known study that's been around that we do talk about a lot that it's just there are so many factors that when women take a birth control pill at 16, 17, they don't realize that it's going to impact their, that they're more at risk for depression, for anxiety, um, for, yeah, r- reduced libido, for concentration problems, diet, for their, for their, you know, just everything. Like literally

   29. CWChris Williamson31:41

       Energy levels, weight gain.

   30. EMEmily Morse31:43

       ... little bit of everything. Everything.
6. 32:54 – 42:07

   How to Have Meaningful Conversations about Sex

   1. CWChris Williamson32:54

      thing. Someone's listening to this and they go, "That's me and my missus. I, we, we don't talk about sex as openly as we should do. This Sex IQ thing sounds like a... I've never even considered it." What is the best process for beginning a conversation, opening up this world of talking about sex with your partner?

   2. EMEmily Morse33:17

      Uh. The best thing to do is to find a space and time to talk about it. I talk about the three Ts of communication. I have a communication guide on my site. It's like timing, tone, and turf. I mean, this is a great tool for any kind of sexual conversation that you wanna have, but you wanna make sure that you are... First off, that you're entering into these conversations from a place of curiosity and compassion, and being intentional that this conversation is going to be about our collaboration and about us coming together in a place where we want to learn more about each other rather than defensive, like, "Why don't you ever hit? Why don't you ever go down on me? Why aren't you initiating sex?" There's so much anger and hostility around sex. So timing, tone, and turf is pick a time when you guys are hanging out and it's chill, it's not when you are, you know, not in a good chilled spa- It's like not when you've been like fighting or whatever, it's like date night. And the tone is like, let-

   3. CWChris Williamson34:13

      What? You're saying, you're saying that immediately after a rampant argument saying, "Why'd you never go down on me?" isn't going to be received well?

   4. EMEmily Morse34:18

      Exactly. That's terrible. It does never receive well, but people-

   5. CWChris Williamson34:21

      Believe me.

   6. EMEmily Morse34:21

      ... fucking they throw it in. (laughs) People throw it in, man. They throw it in at the times that you shouldn't. And then the turf, that's the most important thing to remember, is it's outside the bedroom. We, I, people do not have these kind of conversations when you are in the bedroom, uh, when you are in a heightened state of arousal already or you're upset about something. I would just love everybody to keep their bedrooms for sleeping and for sex.

   7. CWChris Williamson34:44

      Uh, what about tone?

   8. EMEmily Morse34:45

      The tone is light and curious and it's open and it's, it's collaborative. And I give a lot of tools in the book for actually, I mean, I give scripts upon scripts because what I know after 20 years that people are like, "I still don't know how to do it." Like even though I talk about timing, tone, and turf, like it's light, it's open, you're not defensive, you're learning how to be, you know, I... Some active listening tools for people to learn to, how to actually reflective listen. A lot of us, we just don't listen. We talk and we don't actually hear what our partner is saying. So there's methods to repeating back to what your partner says to make sure that you are hearing each other. And the other thing to remember is that it's not a one-time conversation. My vision is for couples to have this conversation all, all the time. I mean, you don't just-

   9. CWChris Williamson35:30

      Thanksgiving.

   10. EMEmily Morse35:31

       Yeah.

   11. CWChris Williamson35:32

       Yeah.

   12. EMEmily Morse35:33

       It doesn't have to be with your parents around the table. But when you're like, you know, yeah, wherever. Because (laughs) like you talk about date night, right? Like, "What are we gonna do tonight? Where are we gonna go on our vacation?" What, what, don't you talk about your own personal goals or your work goals? And I know my partner and I talk a lot about like what our goals are professionally and personally, and health goals, and all those things. But like we talk about our sex life. Like, we're like, "Okay. We're going away. What, what toys should we bring? What should we do? What's our, like, thing that we're into this week, this month? Should we..." Like, I know when there's times that I'm turned on or not, or he's like, "Should we have sex?" It, we literally talk about it and it's so hot because it's not confu- there's no confusion around my sexuality. There's no, like, resentments or, "Are we gonna have sex? We're not gonna have sex." ‘Cause we're like, just like, "Are we ordering in? Are we cooking dinner? Are we having sex? Are we not?" Like, and then we clear all the...... confusion, and upset stuff around sex, the weirdness and the things that we just know, like, when we wanna do it. It's kinda like going to the gym, you know, like, for your workouts, you optimize it. Like, a great hack is to put your shoes out the night before, sign up for your class-

   13. CWChris Williamson36:37

       Mm-hmm.

   14. EMEmily Morse36:37

       ... have a trainer, keep yourself accountable, right?

   15. CWChris Williamson36:40

       Is that what you're saying? That you leave, you leave cues around the house so the butt plug is next to the NutriBullet, just in case you want to have sex-

   16. EMEmily Morse36:45

       Exactly.

   17. CWChris Williamson36:45

       Right. Fine. That makes c- c- makes complete sense.

   18. EMEmily Morse36:46

       Exactly. And it's always charged. My assistant charges my sex toys. I'm not kidding you. They're always ready to go. My PS-

   19. CWChris Williamson36:51

       Wow. I hope that you pay your assistant unbelievably well.

   20. EMEmily Morse36:55

       They're already clean. She just charged 'em. Yeah. We... She organizes my whole life.

   21. CWChris Williamson36:58

       (laughs)

   22. EMEmily Morse36:58

       She charges my laptop. She charges my iPad. She... Oh, yeah. Everyone here-

   23. CWChris Williamson37:01

       We've got a dock. We've got everything. We got the AirPods, we've got the butt plug, we've got everything in a nice, clean line.

   24. EMEmily Morse37:06

       Mm-hmm. Yeah.

   25. CWChris Williamson37:07

       Um, get tactical for a second. What i- wha- what are some of the favorite scripts that you have for how somebody should broach a discussion about sex with their partner?

   26. EMEmily Morse37:18

       Um, honestly, one of my favorite ways to do it is once we... 'Cause that time and tone and turf conversation could just be, "Hey, I realize we've never talked about our sex life. I was listening to this great podcast, and they said that couples who talk about sex actually have better sex." So, 'cause it's, 'cause literally, if you were like, "If I..." You have to remember this. When you approach your partner, if you've never talked to them about sex, there's a pretty good chance they're gonna go into fight or flight. They're gonna be like, "Why are you bringing this up to me? What am I doing wrong? Oh, my God, my penis really is as small as I thought or not as hard or not... Oh, you don't like my breasts?" There's just a million things. We go to this place, not like, "Oh, great. You wanna talk about our sex life? That is... I've been waiting for that too, babe." No. It's usually met with, like, animosity and fear. So, just why the tone is so important and the timing and just saying, "Listen, I realize that this is something that, you know, we haven't talked about, but I want to have a growth mindset around our sex life, and I hope that you do too. I hope that this is gonna be a place where we can grow and learn together and evolve, you know? Would you be down for that?" So, that's just, that's just the general conversation. But let's say there is something that you really want to, you know... You wanna give feedback too. You wanna give some constructive feedback. I love the compliment sandwich, the sexual compli- compliment sandwich is when you start with, you know, a compliment. You start with something that you really love about the sex life. Like, "Oh, God, l- last night was so hot. I love when you..." You know, may- maybe my desire is to kiss more, right? Do you know that in, in long-term relationships, kissing is one of the first things that goes? We stop kissing. We stop making out. Remember, like, early on, like, you have those long makeout sessions and sex lasts a lot longer? Well, maybe I've learned that s- kissing is a big part of my arousal process. So, I would say, you know, "I really love the sex we're having. It was so hot last night. I love the way, like, you solely undressed me, and it was so good, the orgasms, and it was, um, that butt plug. You really, like, used that really well last night, babe. But I realize," and this is when you get to the constructive part, "is that, you know, I really miss our kissing. And for me, I know we kissed a little bit at the beginning, but I think it would be so hot if we could kinda bring back in some of those makeout sessions." And then you end it with why it would be great for both of you. "Because I think the more we kiss, the more connected we're gonna feel, and I know I'll be way more turned on and down for more sex."

   27. CWChris Williamson39:39

       So-

   28. EMEmily Morse39:39

       So, you just sort of... Yeah.

   29. CWChris Williamson39:40

       Well, one of the things, I guess... Almost everybody has performance anxiety in one regard or another, right?

   30. EMEmily Morse39:46

       Yeah.
7. 42:07 – 50:33

   What Women Wish Their Partners Did More in Bed

   1. CWChris Williamson42:07

      what they wish that their partners would do more or less of in the bedroom? I'm aware that this isn't a one-size-fits-all. I'm aware that every woman's body and fantasies are individual. But are there some common trends that you're hearing from women about things that are commonly dos and don'ts, mores and lesses?

   2. EMEmily Morse42:22

      Hmm. I would say that across the board, and this is probably noth- nothing new, that women want more... They want sex to be slower.I say they go five times slower than you think. Slow everything down, kissing, undressing, making out. If you're going down on your partner, like, don't be like the one-lick wonder. Stay down there a little bit longer. If you heard me earlier, it takes women anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes to orgasm. I think that women want slowness. I think they want intentionality, they want compliments, they want to feel adored, they want to feel worshiped, they want to feel beautiful. Compliments go a long way. The brain is our largest sex organ, so, you know, besides our skin. People always get on me for that, but mind, our skin also is important. You know, so I think that the more that we can connect sexually, I often say foreplay all day or foreplay starts after the last orgasm. So what can you do in the times in between sex to stay connected and hot and keep it sexy? Whether it's like sexting and sending pictures, telling your partner what you want to do next, what you remember about the last time you had sex. Keeping sex top of mind. Keeping your pilot light lit because when you just like, think about it, I'm always going to use the analogy of the gym. Like, you start working out every day, you're feeling great, and then you don't go for a while, you don't go for a month, and it's a lot harder to get back in there. The same thing goes for sex. So I think that we all, not just women and men, but we want to keep that fire going. We want to keep it lit. So I think that I just hear that we want more, like we don't want to just be going about our lives and then there's this expectation we should just want to go and have sex because our partner does. So I think that we have to remember that women are slow cookers typically and men are like frying pans. So if you can just remember that, that we've got more bells and whistles and buttons and things that have to happen for us to be aroused. Again, not one size fit all. There's some women who feel differently, but overall in my 20 years of work this is what I've found, that we need a little bit more, a little bit more of everything to keep us (laughs) , to keep it, to keep it hot and keep it interesting and collaborative.

   3. CWChris Williamson44:29

      You mentioned about instigating sex and I think that initiating sex from, you know, all of the... I, I used to run an events business so I saw a lot of 18 to 25 year olds that were in and out of relationships, making up and breaking up and stuff like that. And one of the most common disagreements that was had around sex seemed to be who was initiating it, how it was initiated, communication about, about trying to start it. A lot of the time I think girls not instigating which can sometimes cause guys to feel not desired. That's kind of a bit of a lame thing for a guy to admit to because you go, "Well if I don't feel desired, like what even is that? That's kind of a bit of a, a feminine trait that undermines my masculine confidence and essence, that makes me less of an alpha or a high value man." Um, what have you come to believe or learn about instigating sex, uh, philosophically, tactically? What do you think?

   4. EMEmily Morse45:28

      I think that we all need to i-initiate and instigate sex. I think that it has to be a two-way street. I think that there's... I also want to say that I get why usually in relationship there's one person initiates more than the other. That's just how it is. Usually there's a high desire partner and a low desire partner, and typically those people g- get together in a relationship and so one person's always initiating. But what happens is there's just this... Yeah, what, what happens is that then they get into this challenge where if you're always the one who's driving everything it gets exhausting, you're not even sure that your partner wants to, and then they're the one who has the power. The low desire partner has the power in the relationship. They're the one who's deciding is the sex going to happen, is the sex not going to happen? So that can be exhausting too to be like, "Well, why am I not desired? Am I not, why aren't, why aren't you, you know, making an effort?" But I think again, like everything we get into these patterns, right? We get into patterns and we're like, "Well this is how our sex happens. You make the move and I follow." But the challenge around that is, yeah, someone feels rejected, they feel like they're doing all the work, they don't know that they're desired and it does seem like it's a feminine thing but we all have feelings and emotions and want to feel loved and adored and safe. That is just, blurs across gender lines. So the thing about initiation is it's really important to realize that it's a skillset, that you might not be as used to it, you might not have done it, and you might not know what it looks like. But it's okay to tell your partner too 'cause these are kind of conversations I want people to have. I know that you want me to initiate more. I mean this could be one of our conversations if you're in a relationship and say, "You know, I feel like babe, I know I love the sex that we're having but I feel like I'm always making the effort and I would love to know that you're down with sex too. Does it never just strike you? Don't you ever just want to grab me like I grab you? Like I see you, I walk in the door and I want to throw you down on the bed, but you never do that to me and I would just love if you did. Would you be down with that?" Right? But you'd do it in a much more, you wouldn't say never and you would do it right. However, the problem is I might hear that, and to be honest I will be real here and vulnerable, I'm not the initiator as much. In my entire sexual history I typically rely on my partner to initiate. But I've had p- partners say to me, "You know," again it's my life work but still, "I need to initiate." So what I realize is that what I need to do is, it's just not in my habit. I don't get struck by it like, like my guys do that I'm with. Um, I'm just not that person. I am somebody who is more responsive. I respond to stimuli so there's like, we get, there's people who are spontaneous arousal and responsive arousal and again, I hate to do this stuff with gender but usually men are more spontaneous and women tend to be more responsive. So I'm responding to my partner's kiss on my neck. He came and he grabbed me, he did something, he sent me a sexy text, I'm responding to that. Okay, so knowing that about myself and my partner's saying he wants me to initiate more, I have to then do a trip with my brain and say, "Okay, since I know it's not going to strike me over the head, I have to think about..."... when am I going to initiate? And then I'll plan it. I'm like, "Okay, well, I know that the house has to be clean, the dishes have to be in the dishwasher, it has to be warm, I have to have worked out, feel good, showered, the bed has to be made, my toys are charged, the lube's out," right? I mean, there's things that need to happen. I, uh, I don't want to do it early in the morning because I don't want to miss my workout. I got to get up and work out. So like, there... And I think that in saying this, hopefully people are thinking about this too, because what I encourage and what Smart Sex is all about is about getting smart about your arousal, your desires, so you can hack it and you know, like, this is exactly what needs to happen. So then I have to think about it. So that's one thing. I'm like, "These are all things that happen," and then literally another thing to do is saying to your partner if you're still like, "But I still can't do it. I still can't initiate," another piece of advice I give is ask your partner like, "Thanks for letting me know, babe. I know you want me to initiate more. What would that look like to you? What would a really hot initiation look like?" Because maybe my head's into perfection, so I'm thinking it has to be like some elaborate thing where I'm like naked on the bed wearing lingerie with rose petals everywhere, right, and maybe I invited a- a- another woman over. Like, I don't know what's hot. If that's your fantasy, who knows? But literally you might be like, "I just want you to, um, grab me and just kiss me. I just want you to make out with me. I want you to come behind me in the kitchen and put your arms around me. I want you to send me a naked photo." Like, and then I have some fodder. Then I know, I'm like, "Oh, that's easy," right? And then it's less fearful, it's less scary, it becomes a habit again, and then you realize, that's no big deal. It's literally no big deal. I did it and I'm done. Let's move on to some other sex problems. (laughs) So it's really, again, I just try to get into the nuance nitty-gritty of where people get stuck, and that's what, after all these years, I realized these, this is a really common thing. The initiation thing is huge, and the thing is, it might not sound like it's a big deal, but when you realize that you, when you think you're the only one pulling the sexual weight in a relationship, it builds into resentment. So then those resentments get out of control, and then there's a lot happening, so let's just nip it in the bud. The second you start having sex with someone is when you should start talking about all of these things, right? And if you haven't yet, that's cool too, but start to understand who you are as a sexual being.

8. 50:33 – 58:05

   The Sexual Pressures that Men & Women Face

   1. EMEmily Morse50:33

   2. CWChris Williamson50:33

      Here's something else that I noticed a lot, especially throughout my 20s, which was conversations, uh, that I had with some of my close guy mates about how it was always expected and almost resented, I think, sometimes from the girls if they weren't hot to trot at all times, that there is an expectation that the man is the sexual protagonist and that the woman is the sexual gatekeeper and she's going to respond w- when you are forthcoming, but that if the reverse happens and you're not immediately just ready to go or you don't fancy it this evening or you are whatever, that that's much more accepted typically from-

   3. EMEmily Morse51:11

      S-

   4. CWChris Williamson51:11

      ... the woman. You know, you've seen it in-

   5. EMEmily Morse51:12

      Yeah.

   6. CWChris Williamson51:12

      ... a million comedy shows if the guy rolls over and tries to sort of-

   7. EMEmily Morse51:17

      (laughs)

   8. CWChris Williamson51:17

      ... f- fondle with the girl and she's like, "Um, babe, I'm sleepy and I'm tired tonight. I'm on my period. I'm a blah, blah."

   9. EMEmily Morse51:21

      Right. (laughs)

   10. CWChris Williamson51:22

       But the reverse, I don't think that we have a particularly good positioning for guys. There's a lot of shame around that, around, "Fine. Do you know what it is? Like, I had a hard day at work. Like, I don't want to do this."

   11. EMEmily Morse51:33

       Right.

   12. CWChris Williamson51:33

       "But if I say no, maybe in- initiation is rarer. Uh, maybe it makes me feel like less of a man. Maybe I've got concerns about performance-"

   13. EMEmily Morse51:41

       (inhales deeply)

   14. CWChris Williamson51:41

       "... if I do try to have sex during-"

   15. EMEmily Morse51:44

       Yeah.

   16. CWChris Williamson51:44

       "... a time when I'm not as in the mood for it." Uh, that's- that's something that I think is a lot less talked about.

   17. EMEmily Morse51:50

       Yeah, absolutely. And I, and I love that you're bringing that up because I want to normalize that too. Me and my heart go out to men. Men have so much pressure. They're supposed to be turned on, ready to go, hard, erect, making the moves, and then knowing what exactly what they're doing to turn their partner on and doing all the tips and tricks. And sometimes guys are not in the mood for sex just as much as women are, and in fact, I've found, again, to go back to- to this, that w- I've heard from just as many women who want more sex than their male partners. So, I just want to normalize that as well, that that's really, really, really common. And so, um, yeah, just having compassion for your partner if they don't want it. Again, this is where the normalizing the sex conversation comes in if- if- and just understanding that just because your partner doesn't want to have sex tonight, it can be not tonight. It doesn't mean not ever, it doesn't mean not now, and then putting some words around it and say, "Babe, you know what? I, tonight I've had a long day, I'm not feeling it, but I can't wait for this weekend, like, Saturday night, like, let's do something, let's go out, just the two of us." So then your partner is feeling a little bit less, you know, rejected or less, you know, attached to that outcome. I just think that we don't, again, put words around it and then we get to, we create all these stories, you know, in our head. If we could just kind of say, "Not now," just like, "Here's why, and let's talk about it later. Let's do it later."

   18. CWChris Williamson53:09

       Looking at the reverse of this, what are the most common reasons that you hear from women about why they're not reaching orgasm during sex?

   19. EMEmily Morse53:19

       (smacks lips) Usually, well, during penetration, if we talked about that, penetrative sex typically does not hit women where they need to be hit. Their clitoris is external a- and internal, but y- the orgasm starts with the clitoris being, um, you know, the most common orgasm is a clitoral orgasm which is, you know, women being touched... Usually, the majority of orgasms are gonna happen from the fingers, a mouth, or toys. That's how the female orgasm happens. So, women aren't having orgasms when we, when it's just penetration without any foreplay or orgasm- or- or pleasure or stimulating the clitoris beforehand because you're just missing all the hot spots. Like, the inner third of the woman's vagina is the most sensitive. And so those are some of the areas we need to pay attention to. And so that's one reason is that we're just, we don't really know how to advocate for that. We don't know how to move during sex. Now, penetrative sex could elicit an orgasm if we had more stimulation first, if we used a toy, if we used fingers, you know, then we could have one in conjunction with penetration. So, I would say just really about understanding our anatomy and how it all works is one factor. Um, another thing is, yeah, just like it's not having... Well, it's kind of the same thing, but not having enough-... build up, not having enough arousal, not having enough foreplay. And then it could be also medications, birth control pill. Never ... Here's another one. Never having one before with a partner but just having one during masturbation. So, that's like a new, you know, everyone's body is different, so it's not feeling safe with a partner, not feeling that I'm with a partner that I can actually communicate my needs and let them know that this- these are the steps that need to happen. So-

   20. CWChris Williamson55:11

       So, one of the, one of the most interesting stats that I'd seen about this was initiated by the declining rates of not having an orgasm compared with how many times you've had sex with that person. So, I think it's like 80% of women don't have sex on the first date or the first time that they have sex, not on the first date, uh, and then it like r- relatively reliably declines as you get with somebody more. Now, there's something going on, you know. Physically, you can start to communicate more about compatibility and blah, blah, blah. But really what that suggests is that it's more about comfort. It's more about feeling relaxed. It's more about being, um, comfortable with the partner that you're with. And I saw a really fascinating study, this is a little while ago now, uh, that said the most common reason for women not reaching climax during sex was recursive self-thoughts about not reaching climax during sex.

   21. EMEmily Morse56:09

       (laughs) Yeah. Yeah. Our he- ... Absolutely.

   22. CWChris Williamson56:12

       It is.

   23. EMEmily Morse56:13

       That makes ... Yeah, we're in our heads, performance anxiety. "Am I not gonna orgasm? Am I not gonna orgasm? I think I'm gonna orgasm. It's not gonna happen." So, absolutely. And the same thing goes for men and their erections or their orgasm, the same thing. "Am I gonna get hard? Am I gonna come too quickly? Oh shit, am I gonna come?" So yes, when we are in our heads during sex, the blood is leaving our genitals and going to our brains to fuel all of these thoughts that are not serving us and that are not advocating for our pleasure at all. So yeah, the worry that we're not gonna get there, which is why I teach a lot of mindfulness activities as well.

   24. CWChris Williamson56:44

       I was gonna say meditation.

   25. EMEmily Morse56:45

       Meditation. I'm telling you, meditate and learn how to learn the skillset of bringing yourself back to the present moment. And I also give a lot of tools in Smart Sex to how to bring yourself back to the moment during sex so you can be present, so you can breathe, so you can connect with your partner. I mean, there have been times too where I'm just, you know, and I give these examples too, it's like I just ... Sex sometimes starts to happen and you lose your way. You're like, you're in your head or you're like, "Did I turn the oven off? Did I ..." And it's okay. Like, here's everything. Sex is not so precious. You're allowed to say, "You know what? Let's stop for a second. I'm gonna run to the bathroom," or, "I'm gonna do something," or, "Let's breathe for a minute." Sometimes, again, it's just going, I'm like, "Oh God, I- I- I'm not here. I'm not present. I've left the building." And then I'll just stop and I'll, and I advocate for this. I'll do this in my relationship and I'll say, "Can we just look at each other and breathe? Can we just like do five deep breaths where our inhales or as- or our exhale is a little bit longer than our inhales and we breathe and we look into each other's eyes and then like we reset?" And then you start again. So, I think, again, this misinformation that sex is sort of a sprint and not a marathon and that we all ... It's very linear. We make out, we take our clothes off, we have sex. It's just not the case, and it makes it so less fun.

   26. CWChris Williamson58:04

       Emily Morse,

9. 58:05 – 58:46

   Where to Find Emily

   1. CWChris Williamson58:05

      ladies and gentlemen.

   2. EMEmily Morse58:06

      (laughs)

   3. CWChris Williamson58:06

      If people want to check out the stuff that you do, where should they go?

   4. EMEmily Morse58:10

      Everything is Sex with Emily. The ... Release a podcast called Sex with Emily twice a week. My, my, in all my social media Sex with Emily, and my new book is Smart Sex. You can buy it wherever you buy books. And, uh, you can take my sex IQ quiz on my website. That will allow you to know where to start on your sexual journey.

   5. CWChris Williamson58:28

      Emily, I appreciate you. Thank you.

   6. EMEmily Morse58:30

      Appreciate you too. Thanks for having me.

   7. CWChris Williamson58:31

      What's happening, people? Thank you very much for tuning in. If you enjoyed that episode, then press here for a selection of the best clips from the podcast over the last few weeks. And don't forget to subscribe. Peace.

Episode duration: 58:46