Feel Empty No Matter What You Do? THIS Is Why (And the 3 Steps That Actually Work)

1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:00

   I heard your conversation with Mo in the hotel room last night, which was fantastic. So good. And I agree with what you and Mo were saying. Happiness is a choice when you understand what happiness really is.

2. SPSpeaker0:15

   What is it?

3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:17

   It's not a thing that you can get to. It's not something that you can pursue directly. It's something that ensues when you do the right things. And the right things for me are when you focus on the three... It, I, I call core happiness this three-legged stool. Alignment, contentment, control. You can apply it to anything in life. I, I think that's what happiness is, and I think we are pursuing it. Like, people say we shouldn't be purs- uh, we shouldn't be going after happiness, we should be going after meaning.

4. SPSpeaker0:53

   Mm.

5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:53

   Have you heard that?

6. SPSpeaker0:54

   Yeah. Yeah, all the time.

7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:55

   Right. I have a different perspective.

8. SPSpeaker0:58

   Mm.

9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:00

   Meaning and purpose is really important, no question. But I don't think that's happiness. It's meaning.

10. SPSpeaker1:07

    Mm.

11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:08

    Right? It's a necessary ingredient for happiness, but it's not happiness in and of itself. And I don't mean to be controversial, but let's say, um, a soldier fighting in World War II against the Nazis, right? One might make the case that that has meaning. Doesn't mean they're happy.

12. SPSpeaker1:31

    100%.

13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:31

    Right, so meaning and happiness are subtly different. Have you heard of the Japanese concept of ikigai?

14. SPSpeaker1:35

    Yes. Yeah, yeah.

15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:36

    Right. I love ikigai. This idea that, um, you know, we should be looking... not should be, but we could be looking for something in our life that we enjoy, that we're good at, that's what the world needs, and the, what pays us money, right? The, the kind of holy grail, as it were. And I, I remember writing about this in my second book on stress. I remember the book came out and I was in London, I was giving, uh, a talk, and at the end of the talk we were doing Q&A.

16. SPSpeaker2:02

    Mm.

17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:03

    I remember at the back right of the hall, this young lady had her hand up and she said, "Dr. Chatterjee, I'm an 18-year-old Japanese student living in London. I've grown up with the concept of ikigai my entire life, and frankly, I've found it demoralizing, demotivating, too high a bar for me to get to." And that stuck with me, mate, because I thought since then, "Okay, that's so interesting," 'cause I love this concept of ikigai. She grows up with it and finds it off-putting. I think the problem with these grand ideas of meaning, purpose, ikigai, as much as I like them, they're not for everyone. Someone, someone might be hearing that in a call center right now. They don't like their job. They're doing it and they're like, "What? Ikigai? Are you kidding me, mate? [laughs] I just wanna get through and, and pay the bills." Right? So I think, I bring it all back. Is this core happiness tool that I've created, is it applicable in all situations? I think it is, because if you look at it through the lens of what we're talking about, this comes under alignment. So that chap working in the call center, they do the exercise and they figure out kindness is something that's really important to them. Then if on the way to work they stop in the coffee shop and they're kind to the barista, they get on the bus to work and they're kind to the bus driver. They go to the job they don't particularly like, but they are kind to their colleagues and their boss. They're living an aligned life. They're living with meaning. It doesn't mean that the job that they're in currently is the job that they love and they're gonna be in forever, but they're living in harmony with who they are, and that's going to mean that meaning and purpose come naturally as a byproduct.

18. SPSpeaker3:47

    Mm.

19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:47

    So I want people to really focus on alignment. It's one pillar of happiness, and I think your meaning and purpose will come.

20. SPSpeaker3:55

    Can you talk to me about control as well?

21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:58

    I thought long and hard about this word control, and I ummed and ahhed. Was it the right word to use? And I spoke to some of my patients, I spoke to some of my friends, and I really think it is when we understand. It's about what are the things that I can do in my life that gives me a sense of control? We know from the scientific research, when you have a sense of control, right, you have better relationships. You have longer relationships. You're healthier. You have lower stress levels. You live longer. So it's that sense of control and, and that could mean many things to, to different people. You know, for me, I'm really big on morning routines, right? I know for me, if I get up early, if I have time to myself to have a little routine, I've, I've almost got this, like, resilient bubble around me. Doesn't matter what's going on in the world, doesn't matter how bad work may or, or may not get that day, I've got an element of control because I've, I've sort of nurtured that routine for myself. So that's one, that's one way that people can think about control. An- another way people might wanna think about control is- If it feels like you've forgotten how to feel joy, like you're surviving and not really living, I've created a free guide to help you. Because happiness isn't something you chase. It's something you train your brain to feel. I've created a free guide, The Happiness Prescription, 5 Daily Rituals That Rewire Your Brain for Joy. These are the exact rituals I've used with many of my patients to help them feel alive again, even in the middle of stress, fatigue, or loss. To get your free guide now, click the first link in the description box below or scan the QR code on screen. Um, there's a, and there's a chapter in the book called Talk to Strangers, which is basically this idea that actually relationships are very important, of course, but there's kind of two different kinds of relationships. There are the, the deep, nurturing, intimate relationships, but there's also the... There's also those kind of-Almost trivial interactions that we have day to day.

22. SPSpeaker6:12

    Mm.

23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:13

    Right? So when you say hi to the barista or, you know, I said hi to your work colleagues when I got here, those little things, they are not trivial. There's a network in your brain called the sociometer, right? It's constantly detecting your external world for threats. And when it receives positive information like a smile, like a, you know, a, a bit of a nod, a handshake, you know, it, it, it sort of relaxes. You, you, your, your stress levels go down. You feel a sense of connection with the world around you. Coming back to control, you feel that the external world is safe.

24. SPSpeaker6:52

    Safe. Yeah.

25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:52

    I've got a degree of control. There is order in the world. Let's focus on these simple things you can do each day. If you say hi to the Amazon delivery driver and smile at them, say thank you to the barista and say a few nice words to them, say hi to the bus driver and smile at them, thank the postman, you are working on your happiness.

26. SPSpeaker7:13

    Mm.

27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee7:14

    You know, it seems trivial, but it's not. The research is so, so clear, right? Because it gives you a sense of control. Second pillar of the three.

28. SPSpeaker7:23

    And we've got to touch on the third pillar before I start getting into all of these topics, 'cause so f- it's so interesting that these are the things that, you know, we're talking about today because I think I spent all weekend, um, reading about studies on the importance of, you call it the sociometer in the brain, but just that, that thing that connects you with your tribe. But please do get into the third point, which I think you said was contentment.

29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee7:44

    Contentment. Yeah.

30. SPSpeaker7:45

    Yeah.

Episode duration: 22:30