The Question I’d Ask My Dying Father — It Will Make You Rethink Your Life

1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:00

   Dad came to the UK in 1962 from India, and Dad's, um, not been here now for almost 11 years. And it's almost the classic immigrant story, okay? He came to the UK in search of a better life, a better life for his immediate family in the UK and his family back home in America. But this is what my dad's life was like. My dad was a doctor. He was a consultant at Manchester Royal Infirmary. But for 30 years, my dad only slept three nights a week. It is actually really hard for me to even imagine that now. You know, as a father myself, thinking through to what my dad did and how he lived, I, I don't really understand how he was able to do it. But I think when you have a strong passion and a mission, it's amazing what you can achieve. So I've really evolved my view on my dad's life. But in essence, when my dad w- became 57, he suddenly became sick with the autoimmune condition lupus. His kidneys failed, and he was chained to a dialysis machine for 15 years, three times a week at the local hospital until Dad died in 2013. Now, I moved back to where I grew up, which is where I live now, which is, you know, you've been there when you came onto my podcast-

2. SPSpeaker1:23

   Mm-hmm

3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:23

   ... Mel, a few years ago. Um, I live in the same town that I grew up in, and I moved back to help my mum and my brother look after my dad. When my dad died in 2013, it was like a juggernaut explosion in my life, like it is for many people. It's the first time I had to really confront death. I had to confront death as a doctor with patients for many years, but it's different. That's my job. When it was with my dad, who I used to care for and see three times a day, I had this big hole in my life. And really, it was only after my dad died that I started to ask myself the big existential questions, Mel, about, well, whose life am I really leading? Is it my life?

4. SPSpeaker2:05

   Hmm.

5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:05

   Is it someone else's life? So I've been on a real journey since my dad died. I've made changes in how I live my life based on what my dad did. So I'll explain, one of the changes is, you know, I rarely saw my dad growing up 'cause he was working. He was providing, right? And I used to say, Mel, I used to say that I think my dad made a mistake. I used to say that I think my dad mistook success for happiness-

6. SPSpeaker2:33

   Hmm

7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:33

   ... which is, I think, what many people do in the world these days. But I've actually evolved my view, Mel. I think it's unfair of me to make that judgment on my dad.

8. SPSpeaker2:41

   Hmm.

9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:42

   If my dad was still alive today, the one question I would have for him, and I've thought about this a lot, I would say to Dad, "Dad, was it worth it?" Because he might say to me, Mel, he might say... You know, we might say, "Oh, he was chronically stressed. He was sleep-deprived. That's why he got lupus. He shouldn't have worked so hard." And on, through one angle, I actually believe that, Mel. But the other way I look at life now is my dad might say, "Hey, son, yeah, it was worth it. You know, I came to the UK to give you and your brother a great start in life, and I did that. Look at you now. Look how many people's lives you're impacting around the world. Look how many books you've written. Look how many people listen to your podcast each week. Yeah, I'd do that again." And it's a really different way of looking at life, Mel.

10. SPSpeaker3:32

    Hmm.

11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:32

    Like, I've, I've learnt over the years that you can reframe anything in life, that stress is not just external, it's internal as well. It's how we look at these neutral events, right? I can look at my dad's death in a very negative way. I go, "Um, I can't believe my dad's not here. Poor me. You know, you know, my, I lost my dad at a young age." And I used to do that, Mel, but it doesn't help me. I've experienced the grief, but now coming up to 11 years on, you know how I see my dad's death now? I see my dad's death as a gift. It's a gift that he gave me. The things I've learnt through my dad's death, all the things I share in these books, particularly this new one-

12. SPSpeaker4:21

    Yes, you write a lot about this

13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee4:22

    ... uh, I would not have known this stuff had I not gone through the grief of losing my dad, right? So now, and you can call it spiritual if you want, and I'm okay with that. You know, I know as medical doctors maybe we're not meant to talk like that, but I would say these days I, I, I do feel really spiritual. I actually feel that through Dad's death I have learnt some of the most powerful lessons of my entire life. And so now I choose to look at it as a gift that my dad gave to me.

14. SPSpeaker4:52

    One of the things that you write about, it's on page 28 on your new bestselling book, Make Change That Lasts, is you write about this period in your life, and I have so many friends-

15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee5:06

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16. SPSpeaker6:03

    And the person listening may be in a position in their life where they're in the caregiver role, whether that's because you work as a first responder or a nurse in a hospital or you're a teacher or you have aging parents. And you just shared with us that you moved home when your dad became ill, and you helped your brother and your mom, and you write about your reflections about caregiving. And I wanna read what you wrote and then have you speak to it a little bit. This is on page 28 and 29. You say, "You know, when I look back now to the time I used to care for Dad, I don't regret a thing. However, on reflection, my belief that his wellbeing was entirely my responsibility wasn't helpful. The truth was he had a loving family and a brilliant team of medical professionals all available to him, but for whatever reason, I generated a myth for myself to live by that said I could only be happy if I personally met his every need. That myth trapped me. It was the cause of a great deal of pain in my body and mind as well as to my wife, who had to deal with my regular absences and my significantly increased loads of stress. If I'd been able to hear my body's signals, I would have realized much earlier that something was wrong.

17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee7:26

    Mm-hmm.

18. SPSpeaker7:27

    If I knew then what I know now, I would have meditated on the issue, realized that this damaging myth that I was responsible for him and meeting his every need, that was holding me down, and I would have empowered myself to make changes." I would love to have you speak to that realization and what you want the person listening to know who is in a role where you're the caregiver and the stress is overwhelming and you do feel the responsibility, because a lot of people say the words, "Well, if, if I'm not here, nobody else is." So what would you say, Dr. Chatterjee, based on your life experience caring for your father and that myth?

19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee8:17

    First of all, Mel, if there is someone who is listening right now who is in that role, I get it. I know how difficult it is. I know how stressful it can feel. I know how it can feel that there's no way out and you have no time for yourself. I was there. I was there for a long, long time. But those words that you just read out, Mel, it's really quite emotional listening to them because now I can reflect back and, to put it in real context, in the months and years leading up to Dad's death, this is what my life used to look like. I would wake up... I, I lived, I lived five minutes away from my mum and dad's. I'd wake up at about 5:00. I'd go round to Mum and Dad's. I'd help get Dad up. I'd help get him shaved and ready, um, and that could take all kinds of time depending on what was going on and how well he was. I'd then come home, try and see my wife and my young baby boy. Then I'd drive to work as a primary care doctor and be busy in the day. I'd try sometimes on lunch, if one of the home visits was near my parents' house, I'd try and nip in and just check how Dad was doing. I'd then go back to work. On the way back from work, after a long day seeing patients, again, I'd go. I'd often end up coming back home feeling really, really stressed. My wife had already put my son to bed. I was chronically stressed. If I think about it now, the impact on my marriage, on those early years as a father. You know, I don't believe in regrets. I really don't. Uh, I believe regrets, in many ways, are a form of perfectionism. Um, but I believe I can learn from the past and I can learn from those mistakes. One of the most important pillars for our health is, of course, nutrition. But I think because of our busy, stressed out lives, so many people are struggling despite their best intentions. So many patients over the years have told me that they know what they should be doing, [laughs] but they're struggling to actually do it. And that's why I'm a fan of AG1. AG1 is a daily health drink that contains over 70 vitamins, minerals, and other ingredients that are designed to make nutrition really easy. It's been in my own life for over six years now. It's simple, it's tasty, it's convenient, and it forms a part of my morning routine. People will routinely tell me that taking AG1 regularly has improved their focus, their cognition, their energy. Some people even tell me that they drink less coffee when they're taking AG1. And there's research out there showing us that taking AG1 regularly can improve specific markers of your gut health, which is really good for your immune health. So if you're looking to upgrade your own nutrition in a simple, tasty, and convenient way, try AG1. To get a free bottle of vitamin D and five free travel packs, go to drinkag1.com/livemore. Not even mistakes. I can learn from those experiences and go, if I was in the same situation again-

20. SPSpeaker11:32

    Mm-hmm

21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee11:33

    ... and I have been in a similar situation over the last few years, 'cause my mum has become more and more unwell. I'm very different now looking after my mum. My mum's, like, 84, 85. Right?

22. SPSpeaker11:44

    How are you different?

23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee11:46

    It's not my identity that I'm the only person who is gonna be here and responsible for everything, right? With my dad, I made it my identity. It was who I was. My dad being well was a reflection of who I was as a human being.

24. SPSpeaker12:04

    Mm.

25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:04

    Right? I would do everything. If Dad wasn't well, I'd done something wrong. I was gonna go and fix it. That creates so much inner torture when you see yourself like that. And as, you know, you just read out-No one expected that. Like, that's a story I created inside my own head. Wasn't real

26. SPSpeaker12:25

    I think a lot of caregivers do

27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:26

    Yeah. You know-

28. SPSpeaker12:27

    That it's all on me. This is my identity. If they're not doing well, it's my fault. If I'm not here, no one's here

29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:34

    It's not dissimilar in some ways. I mean, when I, when I read The 11th Theory, one of the things I find really powerful about it is the separation between me and the other person, but in a, in a really beautiful way, not a separation that I don't care. In, in, in your book, Mel, you write about how it's okay for other people to feel their emotions and feel disappointed. And, you know, you can apply the same principle here, Mel, where if the cost, and this was the cost, if the cost of looking after my dad meant that it was gonna impact my ability to be a good father and a good husband, that's a cost that I wasn't aware that I was paying.

30. SPSpeaker13:25

    Hmm.

Episode duration: 24:41