This One Mental Shift Healed My Life (You’ll Never See People the Same Again)

1. SPSpeaker0:00

   You know, I, I could spend a lot of time, as I think I have in the past, trying to figure out who I was, and the techniques are complicated, and they're largely influenced by, um, soc- who society thinks I should be and what my values are. But the minute I did that exercise, it was so clear. It was so unbelievably easy to do and so clear. And then, a- as you said, when we zoomed out to my deathbed and said, like, "What are the things on your last days that you're gonna value?" To, to see how obvious it was that I'd left out something so, so, so fundamentally important, which is, like, my friends, my family, my relationships-

2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:32

   [laughs]

3. SPSpeaker0:32

   ... in my sort of, you know, the things that make me happy, was, like, a- alarming to me. It was like, how, how are you not living in alignment mentally? How, how did you not know that that was so fundamental?

4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:42

   But, but I think you just beautifully illustrate, Simon, that we can see it-

5. SPSpeaker0:46

   Yeah

6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:47

   ... brilliantly in other people.

7. SPSpeaker0:48

   Oh, 100%, yeah.

8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:49

   Man, I can see it in you.

9. SPSpeaker0:50

   Yeah.

10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:50

    I can see it in my patients. But you know what? It's pretty hard sometimes to put the mirror up and see it in yourself.

11. SPSpeaker0:56

    Mm.

12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:57

    Do, do you know what I mean? I think-

13. SPSpeaker0:57

    100%.

14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:58

    I, I, I think the other... You know, I think you, you, you've asked a brilliant question. What can that person do? I think the other, the other thing, a- and probably arguably the biggest, this is the biggest thing I think that's had the most impact on my happiness and wider health over the past few years, is this understanding of perspective, that there are multiple perspectives on the same situation. And I, I think this is a really important point for people to get. So let's say someone's stuck in their life and they go, "Look, I don't know what to do. I'm trapped here," right? Uh, I, I, I don't know. I get up. I go to work. You know, I try and look after my family. You know, [laughs] I don't know this stuff about values and all that kind of stuff. Okay, fine. If you just forget all that stuff for a moment and go, "Okay, let me just see if I can start broadening my perspective," because once you start broadening your perspective and start seeing things from somebody else's perspective, it changes everything. So one of the ways I do this is to understand that this phrase... Yeah, I'll, I'll go as far as this. This phrase has had the most impact on my health and happiness above anything else. If I was the other person, I would be doing exactly the same as them. Again, a very simple phrase, but when you really, really get it, you're basically saying, if I was that person, with their childhood, with their parents, with their life experiences, I would be acting in exactly the same way as them. And if you think you wouldn't, I would, I would, um-

15. SPSpeaker2:34

    [laughs]

16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:34

    ... very gently invite you to consider that this may be your ego talking. If they could act differently, they would. And what that does is it brings such a deep sense of compassion to every single day of your life. You can start to have a perspective of them. For example, it could be maybe their daughter was sick last night and up, and they didn't get much sleep. Maybe they think they're gonna lose their job, and they're, they're late for work, right? Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. The truth doesn't matter, right? For your happiness, the truth, I would say, doesn't matter. Again, I don't mean to be controversial, but I think some people will take that, think that's quite controversial. You're a football fan, right?

17. SPSpeaker3:10

    Yeah.

18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:10

    There was a study done. Football match, one incident, right? Um, two sets of fans, they were interviewed about the incident. Both of them had a completely different perspective on the same incident, right? Y- we all know that. There's a foul or, you know, one team, "That's definitely a foul. That's a foul and a yellow card." The other side, "That was nothing. He didn't touch him."

19. SPSpeaker3:33

    He dived.

20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:34

    We know that. Anyone who's got a partner, right, or had a partner, you have a row. You have a disagreement. Well, depending on which side of the table you're sitting on, you have a completely different perspective of the same situation, right? So I say in any situation, choose a happiness story, right? I'll give, I'll give you another example. One of the most profound conversations I have ever had on my podcast was with this lady called Edith Eger. When I spoke to her last year, she was 93 years old. At the age of 16, she was getting ready. That evening, she had a date with her boyfriend. Knock on the door. Her parents, her, and her sister get put on a train, taken to Auschwitz. Within a couple of hours of getting there, Edith's parents get murdered. Somehow she gets through the next few years. She survives. What she has taught me is that you can always create a different story on any single event. She said when she was in Auschwitz, she was totally free. The prisoners, they weren't free. They were the ones who weren't be a- able to act and behave the way that they wanted to. They were trapped. In her mind, she was free. After her parents had died, she had to dance for the guards, right? And she said, "The last thing my mom said to me was, 'Edith, nobody can ever take away from you what you put inside your mind.'" If it feels like you've forgotten how to feel joy, like you're surviving and not really living, I've created a free guide to help you, because happiness isn't something you chase. It's something you train your brain to feel. I've created a free guide, The Happiness Prescription: 5 Daily Rituals that Rewire Your Brain for Joy. These are the exact rituals I've used with many of my patients to help them feel alive again, even in the middle of stress, fatigue, or loss. To get your free guide now, click the first link in the description box below or scan the QR code on screen. So she's dancing there. She knows her parents are dead, but in her mind, she said, "Rangan, I was dancing in Budapest Opera House. There was a full orchestra. There was a full crowd. I was dancing thereRight? The other thing she said to me is, "I've been in Auschwitz, but I can tell you the greatest prison you will ever live in is the prison you create inside your minds." So for people who are listening who struggle to forgive, who struggle to see the other side, who see someone, uh, put a tweet up and then spend an hour getting agitated and frustrated, I humbly suggest to you if Edith Eger can write a different story in the hell of Auschwitz, I kind of feel we probably can as well.

21. SPSpeaker6:48

    It's so true that the, the greatest harm we cause to ourselves is, is our own s- negative or illogical or self-harming stories. As you were saying that, I was thinking about even the stories I've, I've told myself in the last 24 hours or the last week, which have, like, tormented me mentally-

22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee7:07

    [laughs]

23. SPSpeaker7:07

    ... in the sense of they've just, like, bothered me unnecessarily, and how much of a choice it was for me to focus on those stories. Do you know what I mean? Like, a y- as you say, like, someone tweeting something or leaving a comment, and then that ... You then give t- 48 hours of your happiness-

24. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee7:23

    Yeah

25. SPSpeaker7:23

    ... to just this ... When you could, as you've expressed so eloquently, choose compassion for the person, and f- you know, you could, you could choose to try and find the best intentions in any behavior, right?

26. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee7:35

    Yeah. And, uh, the, the way I, I put it in the book, there's this little section called Make Everyone a Hero. I, I think it's such a great sentiment in life. Whenever something happens you don't like, make them a hero. Make them a hero. I challenge people, try that for seven days. If your life has not been improved in any way, fine. Forget it. Say, "The guy was spouting nonsense. I'm not interested. I'm getting back to my cynical nature. I'm gonna see the worst in everyone." Right?

27. SPSpeaker8:01

    Mm-hmm.

28. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee8:01

    Fine. I, [laughs] it's, it's up to people. Make them a hero. The person who cuts you up, find a way to make them a hero in your heads, right? March 2020, what happened? Everything's getting locked down. Toilet roll shortage on the shelves, right? So what do people do? Now, I understand that was a very unique situation. People are getting, uh, triggered. People are getting scared. I understand that, but let's look at what was happening. People were badmouthing, um, "Who are these people who are taking all these toilet rolls? It's so inconsiderate. You know, they shouldn't be doing that." Okay. Okay, fine. Let's just see. Could we write a different story? What might have happened? Well, it could be that every shopper that day took one extra roll, and so by the end of the day when the TV cameras came in, no one actually did anything that bad. They just took one extra roll.

29. SPSpeaker8:49

    Mm-hmm.

30. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee8:50

    And the supermarket stock was all planned around average shopping habits and behaviors. Okay. Um, it could be that someone was really, really scared and anxious, and let's say they've got ulcerative colitis, and they have to go to the toilet 20 times a day, and they're petrified. So maybe they did go and buy 10 packs. Or maybe, let's take it to another extreme. Maybe someone is skint, right? They've got no money. They've got no prospects in life. They thought, "You know what? I can make a fortune here."

Episode duration: 25:38