6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It

(instrumental music plays) You can probably recall an instant recently where somebody was just going crazy at a customer service rep, or maybe somebody was rude to a waiter, or maybe your family gets really agitated when the news is on and they start yelling at the TV or talking to each other in this really tone of voice, and you kind of feel it in your skin, can't you? When somebody gets that sort of, "Ugh," just really disrespectful and emotionally immature energy around them, we all agree the behavior's out of line. There are six very subtle ways that people disrespect you right now, and these are things that sort of slide under the radar. They're the kinds of things that don't feel good but you're not quite sure how to respond or if it's worth a response, and I'm gonna tell you something. You get to decide if this is worth your energy or not. (clock ticking) Hey, it's your buddy Mel, and before we jump into this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, my team just shared something with me, and it blew my mind and I need to talk to you about it. See, apparently only 45% of the people that watch The Mel Robbins Podcast here on YouTube are subscribers. That means 55% of you are not. My goal is simple. Can we get this to half of you that are watching, our subscribers? Because if you enjoy the show, the content, you love the guests that I keep having on, if you wanna be part of The Mel Robbins Podcast family, which I do, it would be absolutely amazing if you would hit subscribe. That way, you know exactly when we drop an episode. You get immediate access to it, and all it takes to subscribe, one second. It's the best way for you to support me, to support the show. Hit the subscribe button. And if you didn't know this, I didn't know this, if you're not subscribed, the button illuminates. I mean, that's pretty cool. So if that button is lit up right now, please hit it. We're also rolling out brand-new formats because I wanna make sure I'm showing up for you with the inspiration, the empowerment, and the content that you need and deserve. Alrighty, I love being together here with you on YouTube. Now, let's get back to The Mel Robbins Podcast. (screen transitions to mel robbins podcast play) Hey, hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast. First of all, I am so excited you're here. I am fired up about what we're gonna talk about today. It's always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together, and if you're a new listener, I wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to The Mel Robbins Podcast family. So glad you're here. And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, I know you're the kind of person who values your time, and your time and energy is the single most important resource that you have. I mean, what you pour your energy into, how you spend your time, it determines what your life feels like. And today, you and I are gonna talk about six subtle ways that people are draining your energy, wasting your time. These are six subtle ways that you're being disrespected, and these six things that we're gonna talk about, as you hear them and as I unpack them, you're gonna realize, "Wow, these are things that I experience almost every single day," and you may not realize that they are actually forms of disrespect. Or, maybe if you realize it's happening and it's kind of annoying or it bothers you, you just don't know how to handle it, right? Because there's this real balance when you're being disrespected between how you respond versus whether or not it's even worth your energy, and you and I are gonna unpack that. In fact, what we're gonna do today is we're gonna tee up each one of these six subtle forms of disrespect, we're gonna do it one by one, and then we're gonna unpack 'em, and I'm gonna explain why these six things drain energy and steal your time, and then we're gonna look at the options that you have in any situation, whether you're at work, whether you're at home, wherever it is that these forms of disrespect are showing up. After our conversation today, you're not only gonna be able to see it coming, you're gonna know exactly what to do or what not to do when it happens. And one other thing I wanted to say before we jump in is that if somebody in your life shared this episode with you and that's why you hit play and you're listening to it, that's amazing, because they listened to it, they loved it, and they shared it with you because they care about you, and knowing that you have people that care about you in your life, that's a really cool thing, and you happen to have somebody who also wants you to be treated with more respect, and you deserve that. Now, one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about this is because I feel like with the level of stress that people experience in life today and the headlines and the pressure everybody feels, that there is this massive kind of uptick in disrespectful or immature or just downright rude behavior, and you may be seeing it too, that people are just super impatient. They're kind of rude to each other. In fact, something happened to me the other day, and I'm sure you're gonna be able to relate to this story where I experienced extremely disrespectful behavior, and when someone is really disrespectful, I'm talking rude or just kind of immature or they sound off, it's obvious, right? And we all kind of are like, "Ugh, noted." In fact, something like that happened to me the other day, and when I tell you this story, I'm sure you're going to go, "Oh, I've- I've had something like that happen recently." So I was on a plane, and I was sitting in my seat, and my seatmate kind of came in and she sat down, and she had a, a small dog with her, and she had the dog in a, you know, like one of those traveling cases that people take their dogs on, and she was trying to put the case underneath the seat, and it wasn't fitting. And I don't travel with a dog, so I don't know the deal with dog carrier cases but, you know, the thing had mesh on the side, and it seemed kind of squishy and the dog was really, really, really cute and really tiny. And so she's trying to put it under the seat, and the stewards that are working on the plane, they came by and, you know, they were saying, you know, "That- that seems a little big. I think that's gonna be too big to put under the seat." And the woman starts to get very flustered, and she's kind of shaking her shoulders, and, "No, it's gonna fit, it's gonna fit," and-... the person working on the plane said, "Well, let me see if I can help you," and they kind of bend down, and the woman's like, "I got it." And you can tell that her tone is now getting agitated. Now, keep in mind, the person's trying to help, the plane is getting ready to close the doors, she's kind of ruffling around in her seat, and the person says, "Well, if we just turn it on its side, I bet you could slide it in a little bit more, 'cause you can't have it sticking out right there in front of you." And the woman's, like, huffing and puffing, and so the steward's like, "Well here, let me help you," and- and the woman's like, "No, no, I got it," and- and kind of pushes the- the carrier in, and the little dog ge- kind of bends down a little bit, and it fits. And that was that. So as the steward stands up, 'cause they've helped get the- the dog carrier underneath the seat, and the woman's got this huge coat on her lap, and the person says, "Hey, would it help if I hang up your coat?" And the woman turns to him and says, "Absolutely not." It was so hostile, and this was aimed at a human being who was trying to help her. And I don't know about you, but when I experience a person like that, I am so interested in protecting my peace that unless they're hurting somebody, or discriminating against them, or just really creating a ruckus, I'm like, "Okay, let's put up a force field. I'm gonna protect my energy from this person, because I'm now seeing data. This person is very emotionally immature, she's very disrespectful, she gets overwhelmed by her emotions, she definitely feels entitled and above any of the rules here, and when she gets overwhelmed, she lashes out at other people." And I'm gonna stop the story right there, because, you know, who knows what was going on in her world? Who knows if she's got a lot going on? I tend to just assume good intent, but I don't think because you're stressed out, that gives you the right to be disrespectful to other people, particularly other people who are just trying to do their jobs and just trying to help you. But I kind of take that as data, very disrespectful, overwhelmed by emotions, I'm gonna stay clear, and I'm gonna protect my energy. Because that's one of the first things that you and I are gonna talk about, is that when you're dealing with disrespect, you get to decide if this is worth your energy or not. You get to decide if you're gonna be the world's manners police, or you're gonna be the person that enforces the rules. You get to decide whether or not you call people out. And so in this situation, I'm strapped in my seat, I have to sit next to this person for two hours, and so I make a decision, "Well, I'm just gonna let her be disrespectful. I'm gonna let me choose not to say anything to her, and then I'm also gonna let me overindex and be super kind to the steward that's working on this plane," right? Because I feel bad for this person. I mean, they're just doing their job, and they've got this entitled jerk sitting there on the plane acting as if their problems are somehow everybody else's fault. And as I tell you this story, you can probably recall an incident recently where somebody was just going crazy at a customer service rep, or maybe somebody was rude to a waiter, or maybe your family gets really agitated when the news is on and they start yelling at the TV or talking to each other in this really tone of voice, and you kind of feel it in your skin, can't you? When somebody gets that sort of, ugh, just really disrespectful and emotionally immature energy around them. And I'm a really generally nice person, but this is the kind of thing I can't tolerate. I can't tolerate it when people are rude and mean to other people, 'cause we're all just trying our best. You know, in fact, as we were talking about this, I have a friend who works on the team who was saying, "I totally get it." And her dad is in a nursing home. Her dad just had a stroke, needs around-the-clock care, and he is very demanding. And if you have somebody in your life, whether it's a grandparent or a parent who's getting older and they're starting to do that sunsetting thing, and they are throwing the temper tantrums, and they get really, like, nasty and kind of angry with people around them, it's, like, embarrassing, because you've got a grown-ass adult throwing temper tantrums and saying things that are disrespectful. And if you're the family member, it's like you're standing by and you're like, "Oh my God, I cannot believe this person is acting like this." And the tendency in these situations, especially when it's family, right? Is to just be like, "Oh, I'm really, really sorry. I'm really, really sorry." And what I loved about my friend's approach is she just pulled the nurse aside and was like, "He's a tough old bastard. I guess you and I are in this together. I really appreciate you taking care of him and being calm. It means a lot." And so I'm telling you these two stories, because I'm sure you've experienced this kind of dynamic, right? Where nobody is gonna debate you. Is that disrespectful? Is it not disrespectful? Are they out of line? Are they not out of line? We all agree. The behavior's out of line. And maybe you're experiencing this kind of thing at work. You got a boss that's a yeller and is constantly barfing their stress out on everyone else. Not cool. You got a family member that is so volatile with their emotions and then is passive-aggressive, or has the silent treatment, or their mood sends the entire family dynamic into a tailspin. We all know it's disrespectful. We all know that they're acting immature. And I also wanna validate something. There is a massive uptick in this kind of disrespectful behavior. Like, if you're really noticing that people seem on edge, I wanna tell you, you're right. And one of the reasons why people seem on edge right now, and why they're being more disrespectful, and they're not being as polite, and they're impatient, and they're snapping, is because people are operating at levels of chronic stress, which means they're in a constant state of fight or flight. Now, I'm not saying that to justify-... any kind of disrespect. I'm saying it because if you're feeling like, "My God, like, everybody's on edge and everybody's, like, super emotional, and people are giving people the silent treatment," and, "What is up with this?" You're not the only one that's feeling this. And so in these big moments, one of the things I want to remind you is your peace is worth protecting. And I have found more and more and more that when I find somebody out in public, or I find a family member who is acting with overt disrespect, I'm just like, "Let them." And here's one thing I want to clear up. When you say, "let them," you're not just letting somebody be disrespectful. That's not what this is. They're already disrespectful. They've already yelled. They're already in their mood. When you say, "let them," you're not allowing anything. You're calling it out. You're calling it out to yourself, and you're drawing a boundary, and you're saying, "Let them be disrespectful. Let them be immature. Let them use that tone of voice, because I recognize that this is not worth my energy, and I'm not gonna try to control it. Let me remind myself that I'm not the parent to another adult. Let me remind myself I can leave this store, I can leave this dining room table, I can leave this conversation. Let me remind myself that I don't have to be the parent to this woman sitting next to me on the airplane. I can just sit quietly here, and be kind, and project positive energy." And that's how I protect myself. I'm not allowing anything. I'm actually protecting myself from it. And so don't mistake saying, "let them," with you allowing something to happen. "Let them" is recognizing who a person is and spotting emotional immaturity for what it is, something that other people engage in, but it is not your responsibility to change in someone else. You can choose to, but I'm finding over, and over, and over again, these days I'm choosing not to, because I want to stay in my peace. But that brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about today, because in these big moments where somebody explodes or they're just, like, downright rude, it's really obvious. But there are six very subtle ways that people disrespect you right now, and these are things that sort of slide under the radar. They're the kinds of things that don't feel good but you're not quite sure how to respond or if it's worth a response. And I'm gonna tell you something. You and I are gonna unpack these six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you, because I want you to understand that seeing it and choosing what you do in response to it is how you start to respect yourself and how you start to respect your time and your energy. And what we're gonna do is I'm gonna tee these up one by one, and then you and I are gonna unpack 'em, and we're gonna talk about the tools that you need. And those tools, they range from specific things that you can say to just recognizing what's happening and choosing to protect your peace. So, let's take 'em one by one. The first subtle form of disrespect is when someone is talking over you, because the fact is, if someone talks over you, they have no interest in listening to what you have to say. I'm gonna say that again. If someone talks over you, they have no interest in listening to what you have to say. That's disrespectful. It means they don't care about what you have to say. They care more about what they have to say, which is why they're talking over you. And so when this happens, and it happens a lot at work, in fact, women experience this more than men. This can be a chronic problem at work. It can be a chronic problem in your family. It can be a problem in your friend group, and I want you to recognize it for what it is. It means that the person doesn't care to hear what you have to say, and that's a form of disrespect. And there's some really interesting research around this, because when it happens you're kind of like, "Are they... D- Did they not hear me talking?" And you kind of feel a little shut down. Well, here's what we're gonna do instead. So if somebody starts talking over you, whether you're sitting in a meeting at work... The advice is gonna be exactly the same. This comes from research from Harvard Business Review, really interesting article that was written by Harrison Monarth, and what you're going to do if somebody starts talking over you. You're s- you're in a meeting. You're talking. All of a sudden, John starts talking over you. First thing's first, keep talking. Just keep talking. And a real power move is, and you can hear me doing it now, slow down. So as you're talking, slow down. And the second thing that you're going to do, and this comes from this article that Harrison Monarth, a New York Times best-selling author and coach who's quoted in this Harvard Business Review article, says, use their name. So let me give you an example. "Mike, I'm gonna finish my point. This is an important topic, and I just wanted to make sure that everyone's informed, and I'll be glad to get your feedback, Mike, after I've shared my perspective, but I'd like to make sure you actually hear my perspective first." Boom. Holy cow. You know what happens when you do that? Nobody knows what to say, because you didn't stop talking, and if the person keeps talking you over... "Mom, I'm gonna finish my point. You know, I'll be glad to hear your feedback, Mom, after I've shared my perspective, but I'd actually like to make sure you hear my perspective first. And then, Mom, like, I'd love to hear yours." Whoa.I mean, that's pretty amazing, isn't it? You don't have to stop talking. You don't have to give in. You have the floor. Don't let your brothers and your sisters or some colleague talk over you. And then when you're done talking, here's the final thing you do. "You know, Mom, I know you had th- some thoughts earlier. What would you like to share, Mom?" Or, "You know, Mike, I know you were trying to, uh, insert your ideas earlier. I would love to hear what you have to say now, Mike." Talk about just a confident and calm and emotionally mature response, because I'm gonna say it again. If somebody is chronically talking over you, whether it's your family or your friends or someone at work, they have actually no interest in listening to what you have to say. That's disrespectful. And if somebody doesn't respect what you have to say, stop giving them power. You need to respect what you have to say enough to keep on talking. That's why you keep going, and using their name stops them. "Mike, Mom, Dad, hey, everyone, I'd be happy to hear what you have to say when I'm done sharing what I'd like to say." That commands the room. You know what I love about this strategy, is that you're holding your power. See, respect starts with you, and when you use this strategy that you just keep talking, and if the person doesn't shut up as you are slowly talking... Because what's gonna happen when two people are talking, whether you're at a dinner table, or you're out at a restaurant, or you're sitting at a meeting at work, is everybody else starts to get uncomfortable because they're not quite sure who to listen to. So they're gonna start looking around, and the person that interrupted you is gonna start talking louder. But as you just quietly keep talking and you slow down, and then at some point you're gonna start to feel a little annoyed that the other person is starting to talk louder, then you drop in the name, "Mike, Mom," and that gets their attention. And then you redirect, "Be happy to hear your thoughts, but this is an important thing I wanted to share, and before you share your re- your reaction, I'd actually like you to hear what I want to say." Now you're respecting yourself, and that's the cue to everybody else to respect what you have to say. And then you do the super power move by going, "Okay, so Mike, what did you want to say about that?" Or, "Okay, so Mom, what was your opinion about what we should all do, uh, for Dad's birthday?" And now you're not just respecting what you have to say, but you're also acting with a level of maturity, and you're inviting people to say what they need to say. I j- I just absolutely love this, and you can practice this, and the more you practice this, the better you're gonna get. But just keep talking, then say their name, and then when you're done talking, boom, you just ask them what they wanted to say. And that's a way you show your self-respect and you shut down any disrespect. Now let's talk about the second way that people subtly disrespect you, and that's by dismissing your feelings, and this is one of those things that can happen so quickly. You're like, "Wait, what just happened?" Where they're like, "You know, y- you don't need to be so sensitive. I didn't mean it that way." Like, "Why do you have to get so worked up? You know, you always get upset," like, people dismissing your feelings or your reaction. And if somebody questions how you feel, it means they don't care how you feel. That's why dismissing your feelings is a form of disrespect, because if they're gonna question you and be like, "You know, you don't need to get that upset," and they're gonna question your response, then they clearly don't care how you feel. They don't care how their behavior impacts you. And so here are some things that you can do, because the truth is your feelings do matter. And while somebody may be doing something and they didn't intend to hurt your feelings, it's not about what they intended. If somebody truly cares about you, they're gonna care about the impact that their behavior had on you. Do you see the difference? And, you know, for me, this is an area where I feel like as a parent in particular, I've been kind of like the Bigfoot stepping on people's feelings. I didn't intend to hurt anybody's feelings. I didn't intend to invalidate people's feelings, but in my desire to want somebody to feel better, I'm like, "Oh, it's not gonna be that bad. You're gonna be okay." Like, I'm actually dismissing how somebody feels. And so this is an area where I've done a lot of work, where I'm trying not to be disrespectful of how people feel or how my behavior might have impacted them, or how, you know, my desire for somebody to want to feel better actually dismisses their feelings. Like, I'm not giving them the space to feel how they feel. And so again, the reason why this is disrespectful is because if someone questions how you feel, if somebody dismisses how you feel, if somebody is trying to, like, fast-forward you through your feelings, it means they don't really care how you feel. And that's so important because you need to care about how you feel. And there's some really important research for why this matters because I think it- i- it's easy to tell yourself you're too sensitive. It's easy for you to turn this back on yourself and blame yourself for the kind of reactions you have. Like, we're all so scared about getting emotional. I think a large reason why is many of us had a childhood where you were constantly invalidated and your feelings were dismissed. "Don't cry. It's not that big of a deal. I never said that," all that kind of stuff that teaches you it's just not safe for you to have feelings. And so if this is happening to you in your relationship, at work, in your friendships, as an adult, you have to start to care how you feel.Because when people question it or they brush it aside, it's a sign that they don't really care and they don't have the capacity to give you the space to feel what you feel. But you gotta give yourself the space. It starts with you. And so, I love some of the research here, because it lifts up this topic in terms of its level of importance. And this one's so subtle that I just wanna call out some of the phrases that are a sign that somebody is dismissing your feelings and they're disrespecting you. So if you've ever had somebody say to you, "You're so sensitive," or, "You're, you're overreacting. I mean, this is not a big deal. Why is this such a big deal?" Or, "Why does this have to cause such a problem? Why is everything with you an issue?" Or, "Y- you think this is bad? Like, uh, people have bigger problems than this. I don't know why you're upset about this." When somebody says that to you, it means they actually don't care how you feel. You're an inconvenience and your feelings are now a bother to them, and they don't wanna have to deal with it. And so this is a big deal, and let me tell you why. There was a study done by Gregory Wakowski at Walden University. This is what's called emotional invalidation, and the research is very clear on this. When your emotions are brushed aside, "You're overreacting. This isn't a big deal," it doesn't just sting in the moment. It can have lasting effects. Constantly facing this kind of emotional invalidation, here's what it does. It leads to increased stress, anxiety, even depression, and it also chips away at your confidence and your ability to handle life's ups and downs, and it can make challenges feel even more overwhelming. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Because if you've got somebody in your life that's constantly going, "Why is this such a big deal?" Like, "You're overreacting. Why, why are you so sensitive about everything? I never, I never meant it that way. Why do you have to get so upset about everything?" When that constantly happens to you, you then start to question whether or not your feelings are valid. So first, you have somebody invalidating you because they don't wanna deal with your emotions, and now you start to wonder, "Am I the problem? Am I too sensitive? Maybe I shouldn't say anything." So you start to shut down your emotions. And what I want you to do is the exact opposite. I want you to validate your emotions. So the next time that somebody does this to you, you're feeling something, you're upset about something, something's bothering you, you're working through something, and somebody has the disrespectful approach of going, "Why is this such a big deal? Why are you so sensitive?" You are gonna validate your own emotions. I'm gonna give you two sentences that I love. These come from my buddy Jefferson Fisher. He's a best-selling author. He is an expert at handling difficult people. He's also a trial lawyer. Here's what he recommends you do when somebody dismisses your feelings and disrespects you. You validate your feelings by saying this: "I get to decide. I feel how I feel." And the way that I like to say, "Let me decide how I feel." So the next time somebody says, "You're too sensitive. I feel how I feel. Why are you overreacting?" "Let me decide how I'm gonna react to this." Isn't that powerful? Instead of waiting for somebody else to give your emotions space and validate them, let me validate them for myself. Let me decide how I feel. It's so empowering. And, you know, I'm gonna say something as a parent. This is something that I'm working on, because, you know, I- I find it very difficult when one of my kids is struggling with something and they're upset about something. I just wanna do everything in my power to make it go away. And I can see, especially as I've been thinking about this conversation we're gonna have today, that there's probably a lot of times where my kids have gotten worked up about something, and now I know they decide how they feel. They get to feel how they feel. And my job is not to call them sensitive or not to tell them it's gonna be okay or not to, like, try to rush them through anything and invalidate where they're at. Let me just give them space to feel how they feel instead of labeling it, which is a form of disrespect. "I can see this is very difficult for you. What can I do to support you? I can see that you're upset by this. How can I help? I can see that what I said really hurt your feelings. I apologize. I, I did not mean to hurt your feelings, but I can see how my words impacted you and I am sorry. I'll do better." What I love about this is that whether you're the one that tends to step on people's feelings because you don't like it when people are emotional and it gets you upset when people are emotional, and when people are anxious, you get anxious. Understood. That's a normal thing to feel. And using these tools, we can recognize when we're the ones, "Oh, you're being too sensitive." "I never said that." Stop yourself from saying it. Let them feel how they feel, and let me be more respectful and acknowledge their feelings, give them the space to feel it, and then ask how I can be supportive. That's how you can use this tool to not be disrespectful, and it's also how you can use this tool when it's happening to you to validate your own emotions and say, "I get to feel how I feel." Now, we've already talked about how people talk over you and what to do about it, how they dismiss your feelings, and the third subtle way that people are disrespecting you is by always being late.And this topic- (laughs)