Don’t Argue or Fight With a Narcissist… Do This Instead (#1 Narcissism Expert)

There is so much content out there about how to spot a narcissist.

Mm-hmm.

What do you do once you realize you either have a parent who's one, or you're in a relationship with somebody?

People don't like the suggestion I'm about to make-

(laughs)

... and I'm aware they don't like it, and I don't care, I'm gonna make it, which is what I call...

Ooh.

These dynamics, this relationship is not going to change. It's not that you're agreeing with their behavior, it's that you're leaning into the understanding that this is it. What's step two? This is the worst part of this whole process, is- What we lose in these relationships is ourselves, our entire sense of self, authenticity. You need to be comfortable with yourself.

It's hard for somebody like me because, you know, Dr. Ramani, I'm like, "But anybody can change."

Uh, anyone can change. A narcissistic person won't change. (upbeat music)

Hey, it's Mel. I'm so glad you're here with me today. It is such an honor to spend some time with you right now. And I just want to acknowledge you for choosing to listen to something that will help you create a better life. I think that's super cool and I love spending time with you. If you're a new listener to The Mel Robbins Show, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm on a mission to empower and inspire you with tools and the expert resources that you need to create a better life. And one thing that can really trip you up is having to deal with a difficult person. I mean, just think about what a pain in the rear end it is, because all it does is take one person who's abrasive or mean or negative or has a short temper to ruin your day. I mean, don't even get me started about some of the jerks that are on planes these days. In fact, just a couple of days ago, I was coming back from a trip with our son, Oakley, and this guy sitting behind us and a woman standing in the aisle broke out in a screaming match. And the woman went and took a swing at the guy, and she ended up hitting my son, Oakley, instead. Luckily, the woman not only missed the guy that she was swinging at, but she merely just grazed Oakley, and that's when mama bear Mel Robbins jumped up and was like, "All right, that's enough. You two calm down. Enough of this." And boom, they did. Now, the thing about strangers being difficult is that, you know, when the fight is over and everybody calms down, it's easy to shake them off because it's a stranger, and you're gonna walk off the plane and you're never gonna see that person again. But what if the difficult person is your mother or one of your kids or your boss or- (shudders) ... your ex? They're long gone but you still have to see them all the time because you guys are co-parenting your kids together? Oh my God. Or the difficult person is your partner? I mean, cutting this person out of your life isn't an option. And when you walk off the plane, they're gonna follow you. So the question is, how do you keep your mindset positive? How do you keep your goals, your priorities, your happiness front and center, and not let a difficult person in your life rock you? Well, today, you're going to learn from a renowned psychologist, professor, and bestselling author, for how to stay in your power and your purpose no matter who you have to deal with in your life or what mood they happen to be in today. And boy oh boy, are you going to love this. And all those difficult people? (laughs) They have no idea what's about to hit 'em. 'Cause as much as I hate to admit this, you and I both know there's a lot of toxic behavior that we both have to deal with in our day-to-day life. Whether it's someone who's passive-aggressive, or they give you the silent treatment, or they speak to you in a disrespectful tone of voice, or they're constantly erupting 'cause they can't deal with their emotions, or someone who makes you feel like a doormat. Well, our expert today is going to teach you how to not only deal with these situations, but also how to heal from the damage that they can cause you. So whether you're dealing with a friend whose behavior is toxic or you're reeling from the impact of a narcissistic ex, you're gonna get the tools, tactics, and decades of research from the world-renowned expert and clinical psychologist, Dr. Ramani Divarsla. The title of her newest bestselling book is It's Not You, and she's also the host of the hit podcast, Navigating Narcissism. Now, I absolutely love Dr. Ramani, and I want to tell you a little bit about her and the impact that she's made on my life before we hop into the conversation. Now, I first met her years ago when she appeared as an expert on my daytime talk show, and she has taught me absolutely everything that I needed to know about narcissism. Now, before I met Dr. Ramani, I didn't know anything about the subject. I just knew that I had this person in my life who was extraordinarily difficult because they have a very narcissistic personality style. And what I've learned from Dr. Ramani has not only helped me heal from this situation, it has helped me have extremely healthy boundaries with this person, and it has been night and day in this relationship ever since. And here are some of the top three things that I have personally learned from Dr. Ramani that have helped me. Number one, narcissism is a type of personality that can be especially difficult to deal with, because somebody with this personality really does believe that everything is about them. The second thing that I learned that helped me a lot is understanding that the person that's like this wasn't born this way. See, a narcissistic personality is developed because of childhood trauma or because of a parenting style....where the parent makes the child believe that they are better than everybody else, that they are entitled. You know people like this. And the third thing that I learned from her is that a narcissist will never, ever, ever, ever change, because they don't want to. And that's kind of a hard thing to accept, and it's why you need to focus on changing how you deal with them. And that's the single biggest takeaway that I have learned from Dr. Ramani, which is that for years, I felt so much pain around difficult people because I thought I was doing something wrong. And I also, being a reasonable person, couldn't understand, why would this person act this way? Why- why wouldn't they change when they can see how much this hurts me, when I'm asking them to do things? And it wasn't until she taught me that, here I am realizing, hoping that a difficult person would change, that hope was actually keeping me from changing. Holy cow, Dr. Ramani flipped the script on me, and she's gonna do the same thing with you today. And she is here with the tools, decades of research and takeaways that have made her one of the leading experts on narcissism and difficult personalities on the planet. She is gonna tell you exactly what you need to do when you're dealing with somebody that's very difficult. And do me a favor. As you listen, will you please be generous in sharing this episode with people that you love? Anyone in your life that's dealing with a difficult person, they've been complaining to you about it, or you're seeing it happen and it bothers you, whether that's somebody at work or you think, "They're definitely dating a narcissist," send them this episode. Because it will not only give them the resources and expert counsel that they need, but it will wake them up to the reality of the situation that they're in, and that is the single greatest gift that you could give them. All righty. You ready? I know I am. So let's jump in. Dr. Ramani, I'm so excited that you're spending so much time with us-