ADHD Chatter PodcastAuDHD Expert: Why AuDHDers Lose Friendships Without Realising It | Dr. Samantha Hiew
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 1:21
Why late autism assessments can feel traumatic and destabilizing
Sam opens by describing why many AuDHD women experience autism assessment as emotionally intense and even retraumatizing. The conversation frames connection as nervous-system regulation—making relational breakdowns especially painful for people with histories of invalidation.
- •Autism assessments can trigger self-scrutiny about communication and social behavior
- •Connection is regulating; disconnection can feel disproportionately destabilizing
- •Many AuDHDers report adverse childhood experiences and lack of validation
- •High emotional intensity often gets suppressed early when others “can’t hold” it
- 1:21 – 3:01
When people seek an autism diagnosis after ADHD (and why hormones matter)
Alex asks when someone with ADHD typically suspects autism too. Sam explains common triggers for late diagnosis—life transitions, coping collapse, relationship difficulties—and highlights how hormonal changes often push women toward ADHD (and then AuDHD) recognition.
- •Late-diagnosed adults often seek answers during major life transitions or burnout
- •Online content and community stories can catalyze self-recognition
- •Relationship struggles can motivate assessment to understand patterns and needs
- •Hormonal shifts (PMDD, postpartum changes, perimenopause) often surface executive challenges
- 3:01 – 4:18
Emotional fallout of discovering AuDHD: grief, frustration, and being misunderstood
Sam describes the dominant emotional responses after a late AuDHD realization: grief for lost time, regret over past relationships, and ongoing frustration. People may feel compelled to justify themselves and translate traits to family or workplaces to be understood.
- •Sadness and mourning for years spent without self-understanding
- •Reinterpreting past failures (relationships, work) through an AuDHD lens
- •Pressure to explain and justify behaviors to others post-diagnosis
- •Chronic frustration from persistent misunderstanding despite new clarity
- 4:18 – 4:59
Anger and resentment: “Why was this missed?”
Alex explores whether grief can escalate into anger. Sam affirms anger is common and often aimed outward—at systems or people who didn’t recognize or accommodate needs—fueling an urgent desire to be understood.
- •Anger can follow late diagnosis, especially around being overlooked
- •Resentment may be directed at others rather than internalized
- •A sense of injustice can intensify advocacy and demands for understanding
- •Emotion can become a driving force in relationships and work settings
- 4:59 – 7:45
The “onion layers” identity crisis: masks, personas, and losing an anchor
They unpack how unmasking can reveal multiple layers of constructed identity. Sam explains that some people go beyond masking into building an entire persona, and without a stable internal anchor, diagnosis can trigger an unraveling—like a ‘life quake.’
- •Unmasking can reveal deeper layers of self, not just “traits”
- •Some people build a persona far removed from authenticity
- •Diagnosis can destabilize identity when there was no early self-anchor
- •Deconstructing coping strategies can initially feel like losing yourself
- 7:45 – 9:55
When the false self collapses: midlife reckoning and the demand for authenticity
Sam describes a turning point when the false self stops working—often in midlife—leading to a ‘dark night of the soul.’ As relationships fall away and people seek more authentic bonds, individuals are forced to confront what’s underneath and do deep repair work.
- •People may avoid inner work by protecting the false self and projecting anger
- •A crisis point can arrive when coping strategies no longer maintain stability
- •Modern relationships increasingly prioritize authenticity and conscious connection
- •Deep self-confrontation becomes unavoidable when inauthenticity breaks bonds
- 9:55 – 11:33
Friendships after unmasking: outgrowing relationships built on the mask
Alex asks whether self-discovery changes friendship circles. Sam explains that relationships formed around the masked self can become difficult to maintain, and people become more discerning—ending some friendships while starting others aligned with new values and needs.
- •Unmasking can shift compatibility with existing friends
- •Friendships built around old coping habits (e.g., drinking/pub culture) may fade
- •Existential questioning can increase discernment and boundary-setting
- •Relationship endings and beginnings often co-occur during identity reconstruction
- 11:33 – 13:51
Why traits can feel stronger after diagnosis (and after medication changes)
Sam explains that increased self-awareness can amplify sensory and behavioral noticing, making someone feel ‘more autistic’ or ‘more ADHD’ temporarily. She also shares how ADHD medication changes can make autistic traits more pronounced and draw comments from others.
- •Attention to traits can heighten perceived intensity through increased monitoring
- •Sensory sensitivities may become more noticeable post-diagnosis
- •Medication can shift presentation and make certain traits more visible
- •External feedback (“you weren’t like that before”) can add to confusion
- 13:51 – 16:26
Over-functioning, outsourcing safety, and learning self-anchoring
Responding to Alex’s request for examples, Sam shares her own story of over-functioning for others and how perimenopause forced a change. She connects this to dismantling relationships formed for safety and building self-regulation—anchoring internally rather than outsourcing stability.
- •Over-responsibility can look like being others’ executive function
- •Perimenopause can reduce capacity to keep compensating for others
- •Some relationships form from a need for safety rather than true alignment
- •Learning self-regulation reduces dependence on others for emotional stability
- 16:26 – 19:50
Beyond science: inner child, protector parts, and the roots of masking
Sam describes going from scientific understanding of neurodivergence into relational and emotional healing. She outlines ‘inner child’ and ‘protector’ dynamics, linking intense emotions, neglect/abuse histories, and early lessons that intensity isn’t welcome—fueling long-term suppression and later relationship triggers.
- •Science explains traits; healing also requires relational self-work
- •Protector parts can drive anger, defensiveness, and RSD reactions
- •Adverse childhood experiences and invalidation teach emotional suppression
- •Relationship triggers can retraumatize when partners bond with the mask, not needs
- 19:50 – 20:32
Perimenopause as a ‘second spring’: less masking, more empowerment, better discernment
Sam connects hormonal change to authenticity: dwindling hormones reduce the drive/ability to mask and can prompt a rediscovery of self. With appropriate hormonal and ADHD supports, many women move through a turbulent phase into greater stability, clarity, and discernment in who they align with.
- •Hormonal shifts can reduce filtering and tolerance for masking
- •Emotional expression is linked to better health during menopause transitions
- •Support (medication/hormone care) can help stabilize this phase
- •Aging can bring empowerment in boundaries, values, and relationship choices
- 20:32 – 21:33
Tiimo advert break (planning support for neurodivergent brains)
Alex briefly pauses the discussion to share a sponsor message about the Tiimo planning app. He emphasizes its neurodivergent-centered design and an AI planning assistant intended to reduce decision paralysis and forgetfulness.
- •Tiimo positioned as a planning app designed for neurodivergent users
- •Emphasis on flexibility and ND-friendly structure
- •AI/voice transcription feature for quick capture of plans
- •Discount note: code applies on web browser, not smartphone
- 21:33 – 30:30
Why making friends and finding love can get harder (and better) during healing
Returning to the episode, they discuss how late diagnosis can make relationships feel riskier and more complex—especially among traumatized peers who may trigger each other. Sam also explores romantic alignment: valuing truth, becoming more discerning, and accepting quieter periods that prioritize quality over quantity.
- •Late diagnosis can feel traumatic and increase feelings of difference
- •ND-to-ND friendships can offer deep understanding but also mutual triggering
- •Parallel-play style friendship can work well for burnout and sensory needs
- •In love, increased discernment reduces mismatched relationships and favors alignment
- 30:30 – 39:27
Stages of AuDHD acceptance + audience Q&A on anger, ‘fad’ skepticism, and diagnosis later in life
Sam outlines common post-diagnosis stages: confusion, cognitive dissonance, denial, bargaining/over-explaining, anger, and eventual integration. In audience questions, she reframes anger as loss of agency, addresses concerns about AuDHD being a ‘fad,’ and encourages diagnosis at any age if it brings clarity and better support.
- •Common stages: confusion → dissonance → denial → bargaining/oversharing → anger → integration
- •Anger often masks deeper emotions and reflects loss of agency
- •Skepticism about ‘everyone has it’ can be revisited through support needs and life changes
- •It’s not too late for diagnosis (even in 70s) if it improves understanding and wellbeing
