CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 0:19
Catching up and the first signs of being seen as ‘different’
Alex welcomes Kat back and quickly steers into her earliest memories of ‘difference’—not necessarily feeling different internally, but realising others perceive you that way. Kat describes how repeated social feedback can create a painful disconnect between self-perception and how the world responds.
- •Returning guest setup and context for a deeper second conversation
- •Difference as something others ‘assign’ to you over time
- •Early social friction and how it accumulates into identity doubt
- •How school environments amplify perceived weirdness
- 0:19 – 6:16
Bullying, micro-corrections, and the slow build of masking
Kat unpacks how bullying rarely looks like a simple good-vs-bad narrative; bullies can also be charismatic, which complicates a child’s ability to make sense of cruelty. Alex and Kat explore how small comments and nonverbal dismissals compound, nudging neurodivergent kids toward masking as a survival strategy.
- •Bullying as inconsistent and socially confusing, not constant overt cruelty
- •‘Death by a thousand cuts’ from repeated criticisms and micro-signals
- •Teachers as additional sources of correction/shame
- •Masking emerging as an adaptive solution to social risk
- 6:16 – 8:32
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and emotional ‘horror’ in adulthood
The conversation shifts to RSD and how it can intensify after leaving structured environments like school and university. Kat describes the visceral fear of getting things wrong and the alarm of struggling socially when peers appear to cope with ease.
- •RSD as a physiological, immediate response to perceived rejection
- •RSD becoming more prominent in Kat’s 20s with increased independence
- •Mystification when adult life still feels harder than it ‘should’
- •How social comparison fuels anxiety and self-doubt
- 8:32 – 12:12
People-pleasing, perfectionism, and the Empire magazine mistake
Kat and Alex connect RSD to perfectionism and people-pleasing—sometimes even when the person ‘isn’t good’ at pleasing. Kat shares a formative work story: accidentally recording over an interview and spiralling into self-condemnation that far exceeded the practical consequences.
- •People-pleasing as intent + self-criticism, even when execution fails
- •Workplace performance pressure and fragile self-worth
- •A single mistake triggering total-self failure narratives
- •How slip-ups reinforce the internal critic
- 12:12 – 15:55
Trigger stacking, sleep, and practical regulation tools (HALT and routines)
Kat describes how her intense reactions are often the result of accumulated stressors rather than one event. She outlines regulation strategies—prioritising sleep, noticing sensory overload, using HALT, and recognising ‘trigger stacking’ to prevent overload before it peaks.
- •Trigger stacking: the real cause is often the 10 things before the final straw
- •HALT check-in (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) as a fast self-audit
- •Sleep as a foundational stabiliser for mood and ADHD symptoms
- •Sensory supports (noise-cancelling) and choosing lower-demand evenings
- 15:55 – 18:43
Christmas parties, quitting alcohol, and the freedom of being an ‘NPC’
Holiday season social anxiety comes up, especially around invitations and visibility. Kat explains how quitting alcohol forced her to rebuild social confidence, and how the realisation that most people aren’t watching you (you’re a ‘non-playable character’ in their story) became liberating.
- •Alcohol as a social prop and its absence revealing underlying anxiety
- •Fear of being observed vs the reality of others’ self-focus
- •Learning to pace events (shorter stays) while still enjoying them
- •Replacing shame-based coping with self-acceptance and practical boundaries
- 18:43 – 22:53
ADHD ‘mission’, side quests, and turning injustice into purpose
Kat reframes the idea of having a single defining mission—she experiences life as shifting side quests, from TV obsessions to finding the perfect rucksack. She links her creativity and advocacy to a broader impulse: naming injustice, resisting bad-faith ‘twerps,’ and helping people allocate attention wisely.
- •Nonlinear passions as a core ADHD experience (and not a moral failing)
- •Difficulty sustaining conventional promotion/content strategies
- •Humour + activism: uniting people by naming systemic unfairness
- •‘Twerp’ as a tool for deprioritising bad-faith voices
- 22:53 – 31:43
Late diagnosis revelations: hard mode, grief, and radical acceptance
Kat explains the ‘rosy glow’ after diagnosis—finally getting language and compassion for her lived experience. She also highlights the necessary mourning process for ‘what could’ve been,’ and how therapy and acceptance reduce the pressure to prove worth through constant productivity.
- •Diagnosis as permission to reinterpret the past without self-blame
- •Validation: ‘operating on hard mode’ without support
- •Post-diagnosis grief and acknowledging lost opportunities
- •Radical acceptance: worth is not productivity, status, or outcomes
- 31:43 – 32:44
Sponsor break: Tiimo and building ADHD-friendly structure
Alex shares a sponsor message about Tiimo, positioning it as an ADHD-oriented planning tool designed by neurodivergent people. The emphasis is on flexible support, reminders, and reducing the friction of daily life planning.
- •Planning support framed as protecting relationships and commitments
- •Neurodivergent-designed interfaces and flexible scheduling
- •AI/voice transcription features to reduce effort barriers
- •Discount note and platform limitation (web browser only)
- 32:44 – 45:00
Identity as performance: acting ‘normal’, passions as strengths, and masking fatigue
After the ad, Kat reflects on how she lacked a stable sense of self and became different versions of herself depending on the context. She reframes intense interests as ‘powers,’ then connects masking to exhaustion—likening it to mental puzzles that drain energy more than physical effort.
- •Identity fragmentation: being ‘12 different people’ to fit environments
- •Reframing varied interests as assets rather than instability
- •Masking as cognitive labour that produces real fatigue
- •Work and social ‘boxes’ vs more sustainable self-shaped roles
- 45:00 – 48:55
Why women were missed: research gaps, misdiagnosis, and systemic consequences
Kat outlines structural reasons women have been excluded from ADHD understanding, including the late inclusion of women and girls in research. They discuss common misdiagnoses (anxiety, depression, BPD, bipolar), the rise in mothers recognising traits through their kids, and the real-world harms of untreated ADHD.
- •Women and girls largely absent from ADHD research until 2000
- •Misdiagnosis pathways and treatment mismatch (e.g., CBT/meds not addressing root)
- •Catch-up wave driven by children’s assessments and shared traits
- •Untreated ADHD linked to accidents, substance misuse, relationship strain, and societal cost
- 48:55 – 53:37
Life without self-identity and the ‘pursuit of love’
Alex and Kat explore what it does to a person to grow up without an accurate ‘manual’ for their brain—leading to chronic defectiveness narratives. Kat connects self-knowledge to safer relationships, the ability to be alone without panic, and clearer boundaries against people who might exploit vulnerability.
- •Pre-diagnosis life as ‘not knowing what game you’re playing’
- •Diagnosis anxiety: fear there’s no explanation and you’re just ‘broken’
- •Self-love as the foundation for healthier love and attachment
- •Vulnerability to harmful dynamics when you feel fundamentally unworthy
- 53:37 – 56:10
What to say to bullies (and letting people outgrow who they were)
Kat answers what she’d say to bullies with nuance: she still dreams about school, but recognises most people change and shouldn’t be frozen in their worst childhood moments. She allows herself one note of satisfaction about a particular bully’s later comeuppance, while emphasising growth and perspective.
- •School experiences lingering in dreams and emotional memory
- •Children detect difference quickly and shift attention onto targets
- •Perspective: people aren’t defined forever by who they were at 7 or 15
- •Balancing closure, justice feelings, and adult compassion
- 56:10 – 58:41
ADHD item: ‘Most Lovable Dogs’ Top Trumps and the many selves
Kat reveals her ADHD item: a dog-themed Top Trumps pack gifted by her husband. She uses it as a metaphor for rating herself by usefulness and likeability in different contexts—until recognising ADHD helped integrate those ‘different dogs’ into one lovable whole.
- •Item as a symbol of performance-based self-evaluation
- •Trying to be the ‘right’ version of yourself for each situation
- •Humour as a way to discuss self-worth and breakdowns
- •Integration: many facets, but one person—not a set of separate identities
- 58:41 – 1:03:53
Audience Q&A: laundry scaffolding and perimenopause/PMDD guidance
The ‘washing machine of woes’ segment covers practical scaffolding for chores and then a detailed question about ADHD and perimenopause. Kat clarifies terminology, explains hormone-linked symptom shifts (including meds effectiveness), and points to credible resources and expert-led education.
- •Scaffolding systems work—until fatigue/illness breaks them
- •Boundaries and routines for laundry (time windows, dopamine, division of labour)
- •Perimenopause vs menopause; ADHD symptoms interacting with hormonal changes
- •PMDD, HRT/estrogen considerations, and the need for vetted expert sources
- 1:03:53 – 1:05:17
Letter to a younger self: ‘You are loved because of who you are’
Kat reads a letter from a previous guest addressed to their younger self, echoing the episode’s themes of belonging and self-acceptance. They reflect on the message—shine without shrinking—and close out with gratitude and holiday wishes.
- •Affirmation: not ‘too much,’ but ‘enough’
- •Belonging without dimming yourself to fit in
- •The letter as a thematic capstone to the conversation
- •Warm wrap-up and farewell
