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Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal

5 Powerful Habits To Build Unshakeable Confidence - Aliénor Hunter (Ultraspeaking)

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Aliénor HunterguestAli Abdaalhost

Dec 7, 20231h 53mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Growing Up Shy: Aliénor's Social Anxiety Story
Ali introduces Aliénor, who now coaches public speaking but once had debilitating social anxiety. She describes how everyday tasks like buying chocolate, phoning the dentist or ringing a doorbell felt terrifying as a child and teenager.
- •Ali previews the episode: overcoming social anxiety, questioning beliefs, then public speaking tips
- •Buying chocolate from a cashier felt stressful
- •At 15 she couldn't press the dentist's doorbell and needed her mom to do it
- •She was fine with friends and family but frightened of day-to-day tasks involving others
Shyness vs. Social Anxiety and Whether Shyness Is Bad
Ali asks how shyness differs from social anxiety, and Aliénor describes a spectrum where it becomes anxiety once it is debilitating. She argues shyness is not bad and can be a superpower of observation and listening, tied to the fear of rejection from our tribal past.
- •She uses 'shy' because 'anxious' sounds medicalized and scarier
- •Shyness sits on a spectrum, and anxiety is when it stops you living normally
- •Shy people observe and notice what others need, like who wants the bread
- •Fear of speaking can feel like death because of our tribal past
- •Ali asks whether shyness is a fixed fact or something you can change
The Duvet Story and the Case for Looking at Your Speaking
Aliénor tells the story of sleeping two weeks without a duvet at university because she couldn't email the storage lady, which pushed her to get help. She explains that insecurities show up in speaking for both shy and extroverted people.
- •She went two weeks without a duvet in minus five degrees and caught the flu
- •Her mother had been doing things like calling the hairdresser and pressing the doorbell for her
- •She suggests asking whether shyness is hindering your life
- •She avoids saying shy is bad and confident is good, since she hated that message as a shy person
- •Insecurities come out in shyness for some and constant talking for others
Starting Therapy and Discovering Ultraspeaking
Aliénor explains how therapy challenged her rigid rules about politeness, and how feedback at her tech job pushed her to tackle speaking. She then describes seeing Ali's live stream with the Ultraspeaking co-founders and buying the course.
- •Therapy questioned rules like declining a drink to avoid inconveniencing someone
- •It was the first time she thought her view of the world might be wrong
- •Her CEO and teachers said she needed to ask questions
- •She saw Ali playing Triple Step on a 2021 live stream and bought the course
CBT Techniques: Evidence Columns and Distancing Statements
Aliénor describes the CBT methods she used: evidence for and against negative thoughts, and distancing statements. Ali links this to the Jim Carrey film The Mask and the value of writing thoughts down.
- •Writing evidence for and against a thought showed her beliefs didn't stack up
- •The evidence-against column was hard at first because of confirmation bias
- •Distancing statements like 'I'm noticing that I'm thinking...' make thoughts lighter
- •Ali compares holding a thought at arm's length to the mask in The Mask
- •Writing beliefs down shows how heavy they are
Gradual Progress, Empathy and Living on the Knife Edge
Aliénor describes two years of weekly challenges, where confidence resembled Whac-A-Mole as insecurities moved around. The main benefits were more empathy, less rigidity, and less exhaustion. Ali shares his own nerves when speaking.
- •Therapy lasted about two years with weekly challenges
- •Insecurities shifted from shops to parties like Whac-A-Mole
- •She became more empathetic and less rigid about rights and wrongs
- •Without therapy she'd have been exhausted from living between fear of speaking and fear of losing her job
- •Ali still gets nervous before keynotes, especially with older audiences
Confidence Doesn't Mean Feeling Nothing
After a sponsor break, Ali tells of overpreparing after watching a phenomenal keynote at a conference. Aliénor uses the Barbie movie to explain that she once wanted to feel nothing when speaking. She now accepts that nervousness shows she cares.
- •Ali overprepared with 100 extra slides to add value after following a standing-ovation talk
- •Aliénor compares that feeling to her daily life, without time to prepare
- •She wanted to wake up in 'Barbieland' with no insecure thoughts
- •Confidence means feeling the same feelings but knowing you can do it
- •Feeling nothing would make her like ChatGPT
The Ultraspeaking Course and Speaking Before You Think
Aliénor recounts joining the five-week Ultraspeaking fundamentals course, hearing for the first time that she was good at speaking. She explains rapid fire analogies, which train you to trust the first thing that comes out. Ali relates this to overthinking on camera versus live Q&As.
- •The five-week, three-hours-a-week course is built around speaking games
- •Feedback from coaches and peers showed her strengths she had been hiding
- •Rapid fire analogies train you to stop overthinking and start saying
- •Try it by completing sentences like 'The moon is yellow because...'
- •Ali speaks better live than when stuck in his head filming videos
Inside-Out Speaking and Ali's Confidence Journey
Aliénor shares her theory that we approach speaking from the outside in, when the problem is the beliefs we hold about ourselves. Ali recounts his own story: the headmaster's feedback, the failed magic trick, and the mindset that you can simply choose confidence.
- •Outside-in thinking says you must learn tips and tricks first
- •'The problem is not the problem. The problem is your solution to the problem'
- •Ali's headmaster said his lack of enthusiasm could hurt his medicine application
- •Ali's failed card trick for a group of men led him to study confidence
- •Ali learned from a magician that confidence is a choice and fake and real look the same
- •Aliénor says people can't see her nerves from the outside
The Power of Conviction
Ali and Aliénor discuss how people judge confidence from delivery, such as tone and conviction. They suggest most people have too little conviction and could safely go further, and Aliénor says conviction is not aggression.
- •Ali asks his team to avoid a questioning tone and to finish sentences on a down
- •A med school friend spoke with conviction and was believed even when wrong
- •Aliénor calls conviction an underrated energy
- •She thinks 99% of people need more conviction, not less
- •Conviction is not anger, just more belief and certainty in what you're saying
From Student to Full-Time Speaking Coach
Aliénor describes leading live classes, applying for and completing Ultraspeaking coach training, and quitting her data analyst job in August 2021 to coach full time. She now heads the London and Europe branch.
- •She led weekly live classes as a graduate and felt like a fraud
- •She applied to coach training by sending in a video of herself coaching a friend
- •She trained with Michael and Tristan alongside her job
- •Seeing people change in an hour led her to quit and coach full time
Musicality and the One Thing
Aliénor explains musicality as varying energy and tone so delivery matches how you feel. She then covers the 'one thing' concept, the single-sentence takeaway for a presentation, and the accordion method of stepping down the time to find it.
- •Musicality means contrast and movement in energy, avoiding monotone
- •Outside delivery should match how you feel inside
- •Think of the one-sentence summary your audience would give their partner a week later
- •Ali relates it to the hook and title of his book Feel-Good Productivity
- •The accordion method speaks for 5 minutes, then 2.5, then 1, then 30 seconds
Recovery, Silence and Self-Talk
Aliénor covers three Ultraspeaking habits. Great speakers recover quickly from mistakes by raising energy, breathing or using summary prompts. Silence signals confidence and lets you steer your thoughts, and self-talk and mindset matter more than skills.
- •Great speakers recover from mistakes faster, as Simon Sinek did over the word 'organization'
- •Recovery tools: raise your energy, take a breath, use summary prompts
- •Pauses feel longer to you than to the audience
- •Silence lets you renavigate your thoughts mid-speech
- •About 90% of speaking is how you think about yourself, and Michelle Obama's mindset shift on imposter syndrome is an example
Audience Q&A: Starting Conversations, Judgement and Self-Esteem
Answering Telegram community questions, Aliénor suggests tricking yourself into speaking, joining a low-risk club, and asking the question everyone is thinking. She advises looking for evidence of what went well and building self-esteem with small wins, and Ali notes almost everyone feels inadequate.
- •Raise your hand before you know what you'll say to commit to speaking
- •Join a club like Toastmasters or Ultraspeaking for low-risk practice
- •Asking the one question that's off can save a conversation
- •Look for evidence people enjoy your company and ask friends what they like about you
- •Start with one tiny change and nail it before building up
- •Almost everyone feels not good enough, as Ali's 'cool kid' friend described
Final Takeaways: Practice Speaking and Remember It's Fun
Aliénor says to find situations to speak under pressure with feedback, and tells how her sister reminded her that speaking should be fun, illustrated by a pen story. After playing several Ultraspeaking games, she ends by asking listeners to text three friends and ask what their strengths are.
- •You won't improve speaking without speaking, ideally under pressure and with feedback
- •Her sister said her journey sounded miserable, reminding her that speaking is fun
- •A Muji pen purchase led to a friendly connection with a stranger in a coffee shop
- •Ali and Aliénor play The Podcast Game, Blindfolded Slideshow and Triple Step Survival Mode
- •Her parting advice: ask three friends about your strengths and write them down

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