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How To Find Tranquility, Meaningful Productivity and Healthy Relationships - Lana Blakely

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Lana BlakelyguestAli Abdaalhost

Nov 24, 20221h 50mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

120 min read · 23,738 words

0:00 – 1:03
Intro
1. LBLana Blakely
  Somehow my philosophy in life goes back to Ro, which essentially means that I always want to feel like I'm coming back to a place where I feel like I can rest and relax and feel a calm on the inside.
2. AAAli Abdaal
  Lana is a fellow YouTuber with over a million subscribers, and her channel is all about a little bit more of a chill approach to life and a mindful approach to productivity. In the episode, we talk about a bunch of stuff, including how she grew her audience while still working a full-time job. We talk about Lana's take on the concept of productivity and what it means to work towards your goals, but in a way that's actually mindful and enjoyable, not just hustle culture vibes.
3. LBLana Blakely
  Somehow we feel like if we have more of a calm approach to things, we're not as productive. You know, it's not as efficient. I can at least feel sometimes like, "Okay, why am I not feeling too stressed about this? Does that mean that I'm slacking?" Even if I'm getting as much done and getting it done better than I would have had otherwise, there's something in me, and maybe in you and other people, where you kind of feel like being productive means that you need to feel like you're running around.
4. AAAli Abdaal
  And we talk a little bit about the challenges and the ups and
1:03 – 1:25
1 Dating experiences
1. AAAli Abdaal
  downs of online dating.
2. LBLana Blakely
  I don't really buy this whole thing of it has to be a hell yes from the beginning. Does that happen? I have a hard time believing people are like, "Oh, yeah, from, like, the moment I saw this person, it was just perfect and I knew." I think most people land somewhere in between.
3. AAAli Abdaal
  Just a very quick thing before we get started. If you have not yet subscribed to the podcast, either on YouTube or your favorite podcast app of choice, then please do. It really helps us out a lot. Lana,
1:25 – 13:34
Quitting your job to do YouTube
1. AAAli Abdaal
  you have just hit a million subscribers, so congratulations on that front.
2. LBLana Blakely
  Thank you.
3. AAAli Abdaal
  And my understanding is that you started YouTube in 2018, so that would've been when you were, like, 22 years old?
4. LBLana Blakely
  Yes.
5. AAAli Abdaal
  What would, what did your life look like before then? And how did we get to the point where you decided, "I'm gonna film myself and upload a video to YouTube"?
6. LBLana Blakely
  Mm-hmm. So I was working in finance, had a 9:00 to 5:00 regular sort of job. And I always liked photography and I've taken photos just for fun, and I've been pretty creative. I like writing and things like that. And so I was living in the US for two years working in finance and some other things, and I was actually posting vlogs from there, but they're not on my channel anymore, thankfully. Um, 'cause I was wanting to try and see what I could create out of nothing. I had no idea what I was interested in doing or talking about or if I wanted to be a vlogger or someone who sits down and talks to the camera. And then I was like, "Okay, when I move back home to Sweden, I'm gonna give this thing more of a try. Like, I'm gonna try and actually put some effort into the videos." Um, and I think even in Sweden, my first couple of videos, which also don't exist anymore, uh, were vlogs. And then I made a video, it's like a little short film-ish on my channel, which is like the first video that is up there now, and I had a lot of fun. And I think it got 200 views or something and, like, five comments and I was like, "Wow, that's crazy. 200 people watched this video." And then that motivated me to keep creating more videos, and I did, and here we are at a million, which is crazy.
7. AAAli Abdaal
  [laughs] So when you made that video that got 200 views-
8. LBLana Blakely
  Mm-hmm
9. AAAli Abdaal
  ... did you still have the day job then? Like-
10. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
11. AAAli Abdaal
  ... so you were working in finance as well in Sweden?
12. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah, not in finance. More like in marketing-ish. Uh, and then I quit my job. Well, at first I told myself, I was like, "When I hit, like, 30K, that's, like, reasonable to quit my job."
13. AAAli Abdaal
  Right.
14. LBLana Blakely
  And then I was like, "That's too far." And then I was like, "When I hit 20K and 10K," and then I just made it less and less and less. And then I think I quit when I was at, like, 7,000.
15. AAAli Abdaal
  So you had 7,000 subscribers and you quit the d-
16. LBLana Blakely
  I did
17. AAAli Abdaal
  ... and y- you quit your job?
18. LBLana Blakely
  Yes.
19. AAAli Abdaal
  Surely you weren't making enough money to-
20. LBLana Blakely
  No
21. AAAli Abdaal
  ... sustain that. Like, how, wha-
22. LBLana Blakely
  So-
23. AAAli Abdaal
  ... what was the thought process?
24. LBLana Blakely
  I was very lucky. At the time I was living at home, uh, and I had been saving all my money to just be able to sustain for myself for as long as possible. And then very luckily, shortly after, how long after? Maybe a couple months, I had a video blow up, um, gaining, like, a million views to start with and then even more, and that's what just took everything off. And so the time from quitting to that point was very short.
25. AAAli Abdaal
  Okay.
26. LBLana Blakely
  Um, so that was-
27. AAAli Abdaal
  Okay
28. LBLana Blakely
  ... I had the algorithm-
29. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah
30. LBLana Blakely
  ... gods on my side, for sure.
13:34 – 28:32
Finding your niche & how your channel became so popular
1. AAAli Abdaal
  this episode and let's get right back to the podcast. At the time, in those early days, like sort of 2017, 2018, if someone asked you, "Right, Lana, what is your channel about?"
2. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
3. AAAli Abdaal
  ... or, "What do you do on YouTube?" What would you have said?
4. LBLana Blakely
  So I still don't know the answer to that question. Um, still when people ask me, "What do you do on YouTube?" I'm like, "I don't know." [laughs] I talk about things that I care about. That's kind of my response. Which, I mean, I guess it is, but it's very vague. Like what does that mean? It doesn't really give an answer to the question. And some may s- may say that it's self-help. But I don't know. Is it self... Maybe, 'cause it's helping some people, so is that self-help? Maybe. I think, I don't really... I think people can define it as what they want. Some people comment saying it's their safe place and some people say they're learning things and some people say, you know, it's different for... So I think my channel is what others think it is, and that just differs from person to person. And back then it was just exploring. I mean, I talked about a variety of things. I talked about, uh, hookup culture and I talked about self-improvement and I talked about productivity and a variety of things, and I still do to an extent. So I don't really know.
5. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
6. LBLana Blakely
  What do you think my channel is about?
7. AAAli Abdaal
  I, I also don't really... Like I, I feel like I struggle to answer that question for myself as well.
8. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
9. AAAli Abdaal
  'Cause I guess we both are sort of in that personal development-y space.
10. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
11. AAAli Abdaal
  But within that, we're both fairly broad in the sorts of topics we talk about.
12. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
13. AAAli Abdaal
  Like ours, yeah-
14. LBLana Blakely
  And our audiences overlap a lot.
15. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
16. LBLana Blakely
  I've seen, um-
17. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah, yeah. Your thing often comes up as like, you know, your audience also watches mine. [laughs]
18. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah. Yeah, me too. So I think maybe just people, our audiences are just people interested in bettering themselves or maybe they just think s- even if they don't want to better themselves, they just think listening to topics about those things is important or interesting. I don't know.
19. AAAli Abdaal
  Th- this might be a difficult one, but like what do you think is it about your channel that made it get so popular? Like loads of people want to become personal development YouTubers it seems these days.
20. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
21. AAAli Abdaal
  Um, whenever I run my YouTuber academy, like half the people who join want to become personal development YouTubers-
22. LBLana Blakely
  Oh, really?
23. AAAli Abdaal
  ... 'cause they're all interested in personal development and it's like-
24. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
25. AAAli Abdaal
  ... oh, I could study, I could become the next Ali Abdaal. I could become the next Lana Blakely. I could become... I, I can talk about personal development-
26. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
27. AAAli Abdaal
  ... with my own twist. And I don't know, like it strikes me that realistically very few of them are gonna get to the million subscriber mark. So what do you think it is that se- that sort of was it about your channel that has touched a chord with people?
28. LBLana Blakely
  Oh, great question. I'm like, why do I have a million subscribers? I don't know. But I think, um, at the time when I was starting, a lot of the YouTube that I was watching was quite loud, I think, and quite out there and a little bit, not aggressive, but very like, you know the, "Hi, everyone," you know, that sort of intro and it was very extroverted maybe. I don't, I don't really know how to define it. And I think that wasn't... 'Cause that's not me as a person. And in the beginning, 'cause when I was studying how to become a YouTuber, um, I came across a video saying you need to talk louder and be more, you know, engaging 'cause people are not gonna watch. And yeah, that's true for some people, to an extent. And I tried that and I just watched back, watched the videos back and I was like, "That's not me at all." It feels very manufactured and strange. And so I toned it back and started talking more like myself, a bit slower and, you know, some people really cannot watch my videos without speeding it up. I mean, you probably-
29. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. [laughs]
30. LBLana Blakely
  You probably cannot-
28:32 – 36:50
What does the term introvert mean to you?
1. AAAli Abdaal
  feel like writing on paper, but to be honest, the Paperlike screen protector has been doing that since 2018. What's different about this new Paperlike 2.1 is that the nanodots, which are the little bits on the screen that make it feel that friction resistance as if you're writing on paper, those are spaced more widely apart. And so you get exactly the same kind of feeling of writing on paper, but you get a lot less refraction of the screen. And so, like, having a screen protector on, on the iPad, it's almost not noticeable that there is a screen protector on the iPad, whereas, in fairness, with previous versions of the Paperlike and other screen protectors on the market, you do genuinely get this, like, refraction-y type thing that makes the screen look a bit crap. But I'm so glad that they've got this new version 2.1 out because now, like, the absolutely marvelous iPad screen is not being adulterated by the screen protector on it. Anyway, if you have an iPad or an iPad Air or an iPad Pro, then you definitely wanna get a Paperlike screen protector for it, assuming you write with the Apple Pencil, and you can do that by heading over to paperlike.com/deepdive or by hitting the link in the video description or in the show notes. So thank you so much, Paperlike, for sponsoring this episode, and let's get right back to the show. You talk a lot about... So your, your video that went viral was, I think, uh, A Day in the Life of an Introvert.
2. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
3. AAAli Abdaal
  Um, h- t- to what extent do you identify as an introvert? Like, what does introvert mean, mean to you?
4. LBLana Blakely
  So I've kind of tried to not identify too much with any term recently, just because I feel like it boxes you in somehow. So I know that I would talk a lot about being introverted and, you know, having these traits and whatnot, and it would get to a point where if I were to post, like, a story on Instagram having dinner with friends, I would get DMs from people being like, "I thought you were an introvert who doesn't like going out, so why are you out with friends?" And it got me thinking, like, this is- Like, it's getting to a point where not only am I boxing myself in, but other are boxing me in as well. And I think that can be the danger of self-labeling. You feel like, "Okay, I have this label. I am this or that, so I should act in this way." And I just don't really wanna have that in my life. I wanna feel like even if I feel, yeah, I'm introverted because I like my alone time, and I don't need to be with people as much as some other people might need to be with people, and but that does not mean that I don't enjoy other people or that I, I don't wanna go out and do this and that. So I just try to steer clear of boxing myself in as much as possible. Um, but I still do make some content about introversion because I know that learning about it helped me so much and just being like, "Oh, I'm not this weird person because I can spend the entire day at home and just doing my own stuff." It's just because that's how I enjoy being, and that's completely fine. And it is very helpful to so many people, just learning about it and talking about it. So I still do it, but I don't say I am an introvert. I'm like, "I'm introverted," 'cause, like, it's spectrum, and no one is only that or only that. We're all somewhere in the middle of these terms and definitions, I think. What do you think? I feel like you're extroverted more.
5. AAAli Abdaal
  Hmm. I would say I'm more introverted. I-
6. LBLana Blakely
  Hmm
7. AAAli Abdaal
  ... I, I s- assuming the, the definition is around sort of getting your energy by recharging with your own company versus-
8. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
9. AAAli Abdaal
  ... with other people.
10. LBLana Blakely
  Hmm.
11. AAAli Abdaal
  So, like, for example, if I'm, if... Often if I'm on holiday with friends, I will enjoy taking out a few hours in the morning to just sit on my laptop and do-
12. LBLana Blakely
  Hmm
13. AAAli Abdaal
  ... some work. Maybe that's just the workaholic part s- side of me.
14. LBLana Blakely
  I was gonna ask if that can be-
15. AAAli Abdaal
  Rather than the introvert side of me
16. LBLana Blakely
  ... just enjoy watching.
17. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. [laughs]
18. LBLana Blakely
  Like-
19. AAAli Abdaal
  So, I don't know
20. LBLana Blakely
  ... which one is it?
21. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. I feel like a lot of social contact is a bit much, and I like just having time on my laptop or with, with the journal where I can just do my own thing. Um, last week I, I interviewed someone called Francesca Specter, who's a journalist who's written a book called, uh, uh, Alonement-
22. LBLana Blakely
  Okay
23. AAAli Abdaal
  ... which is about this sort of, um, spending time by yourself and using that to recharge and, like-
24. LBLana Blakely
  Nice
25. AAAli Abdaal
  ... being okay with that. And I, I really like that term. It's, like, a nice...
26. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
27. AAAli Abdaal
  So the, the, the day I interviewed her, that evening I went to a restaurant by myself and just did some journaling.
28. LBLana Blakely
  Nice.
29. AAAli Abdaal
  And went on a date with myself. And it was like, "Oh, this is so nice." And I felt-
30. LBLana Blakely
  Do you ever do that normally, going out, eating by yourself?
36:50 – 46:28
The concept of Ro
1. AAAli Abdaal
  You have written and talked a lot about the concept of ro.
2. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
3. AAAli Abdaal
  What, what is ro?
4. LBLana Blakely
  So pronounced ro in Swedish. It's just another word. I don't think anyone really thinks about it more than any other word. But it's a word that doesn't have, um, direct translation to any other language that I know of, at least not English. Basically, what it means, ro, is just, like, calm, tranquility, peace. Um, so if you've had, like, a long day, you might say in Swedish, "Jag vill ha lite lugn och ro," I just want some peace and calm. Or I want to find a place to have some ro. Um, and I started... 'cause a lot of, like, somehow my philosophy in life is, goes back to ro, which essentially means that even at the end of a day, if I've had a long day or a stressful day, I always want to feel like I'm coming back to a place where I feel like I can rest and relax and feel a calm on the inside. And I try to create those habits in my everyday life. I want my home to be that place. I want to have that feeling with my close relationships where I can feel like this person gives me some ro as opposed to the opposite of giving me stress or anxiety or, um... Yeah, so I think that's just where it started. I was like, "This is a great word and more people should know of this word or concept." And I started my newsletter, named it Monday, Monday Ro, I think. I haven't been writing a lot there. But, um, basically it's writing stories of ro or tips on ro and things like that. And a lot of people enjoyed it and resonated with the concept of just wanting more ro in their lives. And that's how that was born.
5. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. I could do with some more ro in my life.
6. LBLana Blakely
  [laughs]
7. AAAli Abdaal
  Um, how, how does one go about finding ro?
8. LBLana Blakely
  Um, good. Good pronunciation.
9. AAAli Abdaal
  Thank you. [laughs]
10. LBLana Blakely
  Um, I think it means different things to different people. So, like, having ro in the morning to me is just not feeling stressed in the morning and waking up early enough to where I can have a coffee and sit on my couch and cuddle my dog and not have to hurry anywhere or feel like I'm stressed out and that I'm well-rested. So that's just a way of finding ro. Or I love taking long walks and not listening to anything and just enjoying the walk with no sounds. And to me, that's ro. So I think it means different things to different people. But I think the feeling is just simply, it's a bit meditative where it's like, it's like the feeling where you're taking a long walk in the forest or something and you don't have any distractions other than bird sounds or, you know, the sound of bushes or whatever. Something that is just very peaceful and calming. And yeah, I think it's gonna be different things for different people. But you're gonna know if you start paying attention to your day, like, where do I feel like I'm at ease? Where do I feel like no one is bothering me, there's, like, a calm feeling throughout my body and I'm just being? And what is that to you? Can you identify anything like that in your life?
11. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. Yeah, very much so.
12. LBLana Blakely
  Oh, good.
13. AAAli Abdaal
  I was just thinking as you were saying that, that, like, your whole vibe is very, like, ro. [laughs]
14. LBLana Blakely
  Oh, nice.
15. AAAli Abdaal
  Very, like, kind of zen-
16. LBLana Blakely
  Mm
17. AAAli Abdaal
  ... kind of, like, calm and tranquil and it's just, it's sort of just, like, sitting here talking to you is making me just feel a bit more calm.
18. LBLana Blakely
  Oh.
19. AAAli Abdaal
  And I'm just like, "Yeah, this is-"
20. LBLana Blakely
  Are you falling asleep?
21. AAAli Abdaal
  "This, I had a nice conversation." [laughs]
22. LBLana Blakely
  [laughs]
23. AAAli Abdaal
  I feel like I'm relaxed. I feel like I'm, I'm energized. And w- so sort of like, uh, being energized through being relaxed-
24. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
25. AAAli Abdaal
  ... rather than being energized through being, like, frantic-
26. LBLana Blakely
  Mm
27. AAAli Abdaal
  ... almost. Um-
28. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah, so it's not necessarily, to me, it's not like feeling sleepy or, you know, taking a nap. It is feeling energized, but through something very simple-
29. AAAli Abdaal
  Mm
30. LBLana Blakely
  ... and calming. So journaling can be pretty, pretty much that as well, depending on what you're writing about. If you're ranting about a recent heartbreak, maybe it's not very ro. But can you find anything specific in-
46:28 – 58:30
Tips on finding Ro in life and at work
1. AAAli Abdaal
  finding Rooh in-
2. LBLana Blakely
  Ooh
3. AAAli Abdaal
  ... the midst of a hectic life?
4. LBLana Blakely
  Right. Um, so I'm not even gonna try and put myself in the position of someone having kids and a family and all of that. I know that when I started YouTube, and I was working as well, and I was doing both, the thing that gave me Rooh, which I was doing every single morning before going to work, was actually working out at a quiet gym where no one was, 'cause it was very early. So somehow it was a sacrifice, because I was getting up very early, um, and maybe not getting enough sleep. But that was a way for me back then to have some time to myself where I wasn't working on anything, and I was just doing something that was good for me, and I felt energized, but I, it wasn't frantic. It was just me alone at the gym working out. And so I think, I think you can find little things that you can do, but maybe there's another sacrifice that has to be done. Like, maybe you have to set your alarm a little bit earlier, or maybe at your lunch break, like, go to your car and eat it there if you wanna get, get away from some people. I know that I would do that sometimes and just, not to my car, but just leave everyone and go have lunch by myself. Just any opportunity that you can find where you can spend that time away from the crowd and away from the noise, whether that is when you're having lunch, or your coffee, or waking up earlier and working out, or journaling a little bit before you go to bed. I think we can find those moments. They don't have to be long moments. They can be a couple minutes. Like, go to your balcony if you have one and stand there with no devices for a couple minutes and just take a few breaths. Like, something as simple as that, I think, can do more than we think, and most people probably have two minutes some- sometime throughout the day to just go away from the crowd and take a breather.
5. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
6. LBLana Blakely
  I would hope.
7. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. Yeah, I was, uh, interviewing someone last week who's a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, and we were talking about a similar concept as well. Um- Uh, from a sort of science-y perspective, it's kind of resetting the nervous system, um, where you've got the sympathetic nervous system, which is your fight or flight response, the anxiety, the stress, the sort of this is useful if you're running away from a lion. And then you have the parasympathetic nervous system, which is where you're chill, sort of rest, digest, recharge, that kind of vibe. And how, you know, she cited some study that showed that, like, 75% of workers in the US are in sort of sympathetic overdrive mode, where they're, like, in this state of mild anxiety and stress in their workday, and how this is just really bad for your health. It drives up your cortisol level, increases your blood pressure, all these, all these bad things. And something like, something as simple as looking into the, into the distance, like into the horizon, and taking some deep breaths for like 30 seconds just tells your body, "No, it's chill. I don't have a tiger that's chasing me right now."
8. LBLana Blakely
  I see.
9. AAAli Abdaal
  "It's just my boss being a bit of a dick."
10. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
11. AAAli Abdaal
  Like, "I don't need to let this affect my tranquility."
12. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
13. AAAli Abdaal
  And even just 30 seconds can profoundly recharge someone's energy levels.
14. LBLana Blakely
  Absolutely.
15. AAAli Abdaal
  And there's a bunch of stuff that shows that, you know, taking a break every 45 minutes and even just, like, getting off your desk and just taking a few deep breaths just lets your body relax. And the more relaxed, the more parasympathetically you can kind of activate yourself-
16. LBLana Blakely
  Mm
17. AAAli Abdaal
  ... the more likely you are to recharge your energy and to feel more of that sense of peace and of peace and stillness and tranquility, this idea of Ro, I guess.
18. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah. I think just not forcing yourself to be in a situation if you feel like you need a couple minutes. Like, um, I know in the beginning when I was working my 9:00 to 5:00, I thought it was very weird, like, going away during lunch just to have a couple minutes to myself, because are people gonna think, like, where's Lana? Why is she leaving? And something is up. But no one really cares. I don't think no one is gonna question you or think you're a weirdo if you just go away for a few minutes or decide to have a lunch by yourself, or if you're having a break and someone's like, "Hey, do you wanna take a walk together?" If you wanna go alone once in a while, like, that's fine, and I think-
19. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah
20. LBLana Blakely
  ... we should just embrace those moments, and no one's actually gonna care that much.
21. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
22. LBLana Blakely
  And it's important to grab those moments when we need them and when we have the opportunity.
23. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. I love that. Like, so, um, again, when I was w- when I was working as a doctor, um, in the early days, me and most of my friends who started around that time, it's like it was super, super stressful. They were like, "Oh, there's so much to do," and there's so much to do that we can't take a lunch break, 'cause, like, there's just literally too much to do. And like, you know, can't stop for coffee, you just have to keep going, 'cause all these things are urgent, all these things are happening. And then very quickly our seniors told us that, "No, you need to take a lunch break. You need to take coffee breaks. Nothing bad will happen. Don't worry about it."
24. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
25. AAAli Abdaal
  And we started doing that and realized that actually taking a coffee break, like two or three times, is going down to the local Costa, waiting in line for five minutes, getting a latte, and going back up just takes, like, takes away five or 10 minutes. And, you know, th- there's very unlikely to be a life or death emergency in that five or 10 minutes.
26. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
27. AAAli Abdaal
  And, and if it is, the crash buzzer is gonna ring-
28. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
29. AAAli Abdaal
  ... and someone else will be there.
30. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
58:30 – 1:03:10
Relationship reviews
1. AAAli Abdaal
  relationship review where we kind of go through some questions and like-
2. LBLana Blakely
  Well, what is that?
3. AAAli Abdaal
  Oh, it's great. This is a, a thing I've been-
4. LBLana Blakely
  Great
5. AAAli Abdaal
  ... I've been, yeah, I've been recommending this to all my friends. Um-
6. LBLana Blakely
  Oh, like can we switch gears? 'Cause I need to hear about this. [laughs]
7. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. [laughs] Um, so this is an idea from Logan Ury's book, How To Not Die Alone.
8. LBLana Blakely
  Hmm.
9. AAAli Abdaal
  She's a, you know, behavioral scientist turned relationship coach, um, which is over there actually. Uh-
10. LBLana Blakely
  Nice
11. AAAli Abdaal
  ... and yeah, she says basically that anyone in a relationship should have like a weekly-ish review.
12. LBLana Blakely
  Hmm.
13. AAAli Abdaal
  Um, we do ours like every, every three weeks or so, 'cause we don't see each other that often, maybe like once or twice a week.
14. LBLana Blakely
  Mm-hmm.
15. AAAli Abdaal
  So every three weeks or so we'll do a review where there's like a Notion page with like 10 questions.
16. LBLana Blakely
  Wow. [laughs]
17. AAAli Abdaal
  And we just go through the questions and-
18. LBLana Blakely
  That's very Ali having that on Notion.
19. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. Although it was, it was her who actually made the Notion page initially.
20. LBLana Blakely
  Oh.
21. AAAli Abdaal
  So it was like-
22. LBLana Blakely
  Okay
23. AAAli Abdaal
  ... yeah. That's when I knew she was the one. [laughs]
24. LBLana Blakely
  Oh, nice.
25. AAAli Abdaal
  Um, and we just go through the questions and, you know, the first half are like, um, you know, how's, how's this week been for our relationship? What's something... You know, how are you feeling? What's something I did that made you feel loved or appreciated or supported? Um, what's something you'd like to do more of together? And then it's like, you know, what's one way, what's one thing I did that made you feel bad or sad or annoyed in any kind of way? How can I make it better? What can I do differently?
26. LBLana Blakely
  Wow.
27. AAAli Abdaal
  And usually, you know, through answering these questions, it's just a good chance to ask meta level questions about the relationship that wouldn't otherwise come up in day-to-day life.
28. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
29. AAAli Abdaal
  And so generally if she or I have like a thing... 'Cause I feel like the, the problem in relationships from a bit of experience and from what I've read is that the little things can become big things over time.
30. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
1:03:10 – 1:13:31
Advice on dating
1. AAAli Abdaal
  dating. Um-
2. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
3. AAAli Abdaal
  ... what have you learnt from kind of dating life over the last however number of years?
4. LBLana Blakely
  Wow. Um-
5. AAAli Abdaal
  And I guess if, if you were giving advice to your younger self-
6. LBLana Blakely
  Mm-hmm
7. AAAli Abdaal
  ... who's like... Let's say someone's listening to this, and they're recently single. They've been in a relationship for a while, but now they're like single and they're on the market again-
8. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
9. AAAli Abdaal
  ... or as it were, and they've got the ac- they're like, "Oh, Hinge, Tinder," bum. They're like, "Oh, God, it feels like a real faff." Like, and I guess from your perspective as a girl, presumably you'll get loads of matches and loads of people are weird. Like, what's, what's, what's that like? [laughs]
10. LBLana Blakely
  Getting a lot of matches?
11. AAAli Abdaal
  Um, just like being a girl on a dating app. [laughs]
12. LBLana Blakely
  Um, what are the-
13. AAAli Abdaal
  Which by definition means getting a lot of matches from-
14. LBLana Blakely
  [laughs]
15. AAAli Abdaal
  ... from, from every other girl's dating apps that I've ever seen. [laughs]
16. LBLana Blakely
  Um, I think, mm, well, there is definitely something to it. I mean, everyone knows, I think, that women tend to get more matches than men. But I think it gets confused with, you know, a lot does not mean, you know, good, right? So you could be... Let's give an example. Like you could be getting a lot of, uh, cookies, but maybe half of them are too old to eat.
17. AAAli Abdaal
  Moldy? [laughs]
18. LBLana Blakely
  And, yeah, moldy and-
19. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah
20. LBLana Blakely
  ... they're breaking and-
21. AAAli Abdaal
  Okay
22. LBLana Blakely
  ... there was a worm in one, and you don't wanna have that one.
23. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
24. LBLana Blakely
  So does it matter that you're getting a lot of cookies if none of them are worth eating? Do you know what I mean? [laughs]
25. AAAli Abdaal
  Ah.
26. LBLana Blakely
  So I think it's something... I think quantity and quality is... Like quantity is getting confused for quality.
27. AAAli Abdaal
  Mm-hmm.
28. LBLana Blakely
  Like let's say you're getting, I don't know, let's throw out a number. You're getting 20 matches this week-
29. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah
30. LBLana Blakely
  ... um, which may be a lot or a little, depending on how you see it.
1:13:31 – 1:31:26
Dating dos and don'ts
1. LBLana Blakely
  Sure
2. AAAli Abdaal
  ... in your view when it comes to dating?
3. LBLana Blakely
  Mm, well, I feel like it's not a lot of guys' favorite thing when a woman gives dating advice. Somehow when I do this and I, like, try to give advice to men, some people get-
4. AAAli Abdaal
  Oh
5. LBLana Blakely
  ... upset, saying, I don't know.
6. AAAli Abdaal
  Like, "How dare you?"
7. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah, like, how dare I?
8. AAAli Abdaal
  Okay, so in that case, from, from your perspective, what have been some things that guys have done that have, like, turned you off or, like, have been particularly good?
9. LBLana Blakely
  Um, okay, so from my perspective-
10. AAAli Abdaal
  Yes
11. LBLana Blakely
  ... um-
12. AAAli Abdaal
  So we're not speaking for all guys here-
13. LBLana Blakely
  We're not-
14. AAAli Abdaal
  ... but it's purely for you
15. LBLana Blakely
  ... exactly.
16. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
17. LBLana Blakely
  It's purely from my perspective.
18. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
19. LBLana Blakely
  Um, honestly, things like basic hygiene.
20. AAAli Abdaal
  [laughs] What is basic hygiene look like?
21. LBLana Blakely
  It's true.
22. AAAli Abdaal
  Like, what do you, what do you mean by that?
23. LBLana Blakely
  Uh, brushed teeth, smelling nice, clothes that look like you cared at all to come on this date. Um, 'cause some people, like, will... Like, it's happened that someone comes and, I don't know, it doesn't look like they care. 'Cause usually, like, if I go on a date, I will, you know, I'll care and I'll dress up and I'll fix my hair. And so you kinda wanna feel like the other person is meeting your effort.
24. AAAli Abdaal
  Okay.
25. LBLana Blakely
  Um-
26. AAAli Abdaal
  So if they rock up in just, like, tracksuit bottoms with, like, as if, looking as if they've just come from the gym, then-
27. LBLana Blakely
  Unless you're into it. Maybe, like, some people are, some. So that's why it's so hard speaking in general terms. But personally, I wanna feel like... I mean, you don't have to wear a suit. That's not what I'm talking about. You can wear jeans and a T-shirt, but have it look intentional.
28. AAAli Abdaal
  Okay.
29. LBLana Blakely
  I think that's-
30. AAAli Abdaal
  So not, like, a crumply T-shirt. At least maybe-
1:31:26 – 1:35:54
How do you motivate yourself?
1. LBLana Blakely
  yourself you should be working, right? But what do you tell yourself when it comes to working out or staying healthy? Like, how do you still do the thing without getting the allerg- allergic reaction that you talked about?
2. AAAli Abdaal
  This doesn't work 100% of the time-
3. LBLana Blakely
  Mm
4. AAAli Abdaal
  ... but, but broadly, I try and find a way to make it more energizing or make it more enjoyable-
5. LBLana Blakely
  Mm
6. AAAli Abdaal
  ... in some way. Or I, I choose to... I tell myself a story that actually this is the person I want to be and I want to do this. Like this morning when I was getting lunch, it was a choice between kind of the fried salmon-
7. LBLana Blakely
  Mm
8. AAAli Abdaal
  ... or the grilled mackerel.
9. LBLana Blakely
  Okay.
10. AAAli Abdaal
  And I was like, "I want to be the sort of person that goes for the grilled mackerel because I want to live to 180 years old and I wanna take care of my health."
11. LBLana Blakely
  Right.
12. AAAli Abdaal
  "Therefore, I'm gonna go for the grilled mackerel," rather than, "Oh, I should go for the grilled mackerel." And so a- a- again, it's just a little bit of an attitude change.
13. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
14. AAAli Abdaal
  But I find that the word should implies a lack of autonomy.
15. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
16. AAAli Abdaal
  And just re- removing the word should-
17. LBLana Blakely
  Mm-hmm
18. AAAli Abdaal
  ... or even the phrase like, "I don't have enough time," or, "I'm too busy."
19. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah, yeah.
20. AAAli Abdaal
  Like, all of these are phrases that remove the, the onus on us that we control our lives.
21. LBLana Blakely
  Mm.
22. AAAli Abdaal
  And even just changing the phrasing of that or, "I'm choosing not to make this a priority." Like, "I don't have time to learn language X," and like, "I'm choosing to not make it a priority right now."
23. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
24. AAAli Abdaal
  Just, it just feels way better and even though it's exactly the same thing.
25. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah. No, I agree. I also try to change my phrasing sometimes. But so with the graph that you were talking about, like the people on the, on each side of the graph are people who say, "I don't need to do this thing," or-
26. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah, I just do what I feel like
27. LBLana Blakely
  ... I just do what I feel like.
28. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
29. LBLana Blakely
  So who do you think are the people in the middle? 'Cause I feel like the people at the very end are those who are in a position where, let's say like you, like they're already successful-
30. AAAli Abdaal
  Oh, yeah
1:35:54 – 1:37:10
What are your thoughts on self-care?
1. AAAli Abdaal
  you motivate yourself to do something when you don't feel like it necessarily?
2. LBLana Blakely
  I think it's mainly two things, and I think it's both of the things that you mentioned. So the first thing is just sustaining what I'm doing and being able to continue doing it financially and, yeah, sustaining the whole thing and potentially getting some other people on board and building more out of it. And then with that being said, none of it would mean anything if what I was doing wasn't actually helping anyone. There would be no point-
3. AAAli Abdaal
  Mm
4. LBLana Blakely
  ... and no motivation. So I think it's those two things mainly. And even on bad days, just reading a comment from someone. Like, if there's a day where I'm like, "I just really don't feel like doing this thing right now," or writing or editing or whatever it is, and then I'll... 'Cause I have a folder with comments that I've saved.
5. AAAli Abdaal
  Oh, same.
6. LBLana Blakely
  Really?
7. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah.
8. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah, from like, comments that really were like, "Oh, that's so nice"-
9. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah
10. LBLana Blakely
  ... that I've saved, and sometimes I'll look at that and be like, "Wow, like, someone wrote that after watching something that I put out there." And so sometimes that's enough to just fuel me and want to continue. So, um, yeah, so much of it is just the community and the people.
11. AAAli Abdaal
  Journaling.
12. LBLana Blakely
  Yes.
13. AAAli Abdaal
  You talk a lot about journaling. You've-
14. LBLana Blakely
  I do
15. AAAli Abdaal
  ... you've got this new Skillshare class about memoir journaling.
1:37:10 – 1:47:15
Journaling tips
1. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
2. AAAli Abdaal
  What, like, what, what is journaling? What is memoir journaling? Why is it good?
3. LBLana Blakely
  So-
4. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah
5. LBLana Blakely
  ... I've been journaling forever. I mean, since I was, I don't know, eight or nine. Well, at the time it was keeping a diary. Um- I'm writing about my day or who I was gonna invite to my birthday party or things like that. Um, but also some pretty surprisingly, like, sort of insightful things, like when I look back about what I felt about my friends or things like that. Um, but I've been journaling for so long, and I know for sure that I would not have a YouTube channel had I not been journaling, 'cause that's where I do so much of my thinking, and so much of that is what creates the videos, is things that I've been writing about and thinking about, um, by writing about it. And so memoir journaling is just a concept that I made up, which is basically writing about a moment in time, or it can be a present moment, it can be a past moment, and writing about it in a way like you're telling a story about that moment, and you want that story to be as detailed as possible. And it's a way to not only remember parts of your life through... Instead of being like, let's say you go on a first date with someone and you wanna write a memoir journaling entry about it. Instead of being like, "Yeah, we grabbed a cup of coffee. It was fun," um, you go into more detail of like, "Okay, what was the atmosphere? Were you sitting at a cafe, and what was the feeling there, and what could you see and was there music playing, and do you think that music affected the mood?" And kind of going into too much detail, uh, just to really bring that moment to life. And what it's helped me do is, well, partly it's, I think, a beautiful thing keeping an archive of having so many moments so carefully, um, documented, and also just helps me pay more attention, I think, in everyday life and notice things a bit more and appreciate things more instead of just rushing through life and kind of be, um, oblivious to... It's k- it's kind of like a stop and smell the roses kind of thing, in a nutshell. And I know you journal too.
6. AAAli Abdaal
  Hmm.
7. LBLana Blakely
  Right?
8. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah, I've been doubling for-
9. LBLana Blakely
  Mm
10. AAAli Abdaal
  ... like, I've, I've done it on and off for the last several years, but I really started taking it seriously about, like, three or four months ago.
11. LBLana Blakely
  What do you think are the benefits of journaling?
12. AAAli Abdaal
  Oh, it's so good. It's like, it's like personal therapy.
13. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
14. AAAli Abdaal
  Um, I find, like, I ask myself, "How am I feeling right now?" And then try and identify my feelings. And usually if there's something negative, I'm trying, "Huh, why do I feel a bit weird? Oh yeah, it's 'cause the YouTube video I've recently put out didn't do very well. Huh, why do I feel weird about that? Oh, it's because I'm kind of worried that blah, blah, blah, blah," and it's, it's sort of the spiral of I'm worried I'm gonna end up broke and homeless and alone.
15. LBLana Blakely
  [laughs]
16. AAAli Abdaal
  When it's on paper, I'm just like, "Okay, obviously this is dumb."
17. LBLana Blakely
  Mm.
18. AAAli Abdaal
  And like, I can choose not to feel like that.
19. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
20. AAAli Abdaal
  And then that helps kind of reaffirm this thing around I can just make videos what I want, about what I want.
21. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
22. AAAli Abdaal
  And I don't need to worry about sponsors or about this or about that. And so journaling is, like, almost that daily, like, m- meditation to reaffirm a, a particular, like, affirmation or something.
23. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah, like, it gives you perspective-
24. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah
25. LBLana Blakely
  ... that you wouldn't have otherwise.
26. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. I think it's super helpful.
27. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
28. AAAli Abdaal
  Have you got any tips for people who might be listening to this and-
29. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah
30. AAAli Abdaal
  ... think, "Oh, journaling sounds fun."
1:47:15 – 1:50:58
Book recommendations
1. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
2. AAAli Abdaal
  Any, um... So ch- changing gears a bit-
3. LBLana Blakely
  Mm-hmm
4. AAAli Abdaal
  ... are there any books that you've read that have had a big impact on your life to date?
5. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah. Uh, so I always say my favorite book is Stoner by John Williams.
6. AAAli Abdaal
  Oh.
7. LBLana Blakely
  It's a novel.
8. AAAli Abdaal
  I'll check it out.
9. LBLana Blakely
  Uh, which might be surprising. You might think that a self-help book or a nonfiction at least would have the biggest impact on your life. But, um-
10. AAAli Abdaal
  I'll go and get it on Audible right now.
11. LBLana Blakely
  Ooh. Um, it's a great book. I wish I could read it again, like, for the first time. Um, and I don't even really know why, 'cause it's not a book where a lot is happening or where it's this dramatic thing where you're gonna find out what's gonna happen later. And it's a very, it's a very simple book with very beautiful writing. Um, and I think it changed my life in a way that it just made me see the beauty and simplicity in a way that I hadn't really seen it before. And it made me think about how fascinating people's lives are, even if they're not living a extravagant lifestyle. Like, everyone's story is interesting somehow. Like, there's so much happening in everyone's lives all the time. Even those who thinks that, those who think that their lives are boring or that they're not experiencing enough things. Like, just being alive and going about your day, like, there are always things that I think are fascinating to learn about anyone, even if on paper they're not, like, a business owner or they're not someone who has achieved X, Y, Z. And, you know, I think that's what the book kind of made me realize, 'cause the main character, Stoner, he's, uh, he's living a very average life, yet it's filled with so much emotion and so many lessons. So I think that's what-
12. AAAli Abdaal
  Nice
13. LBLana Blakely
  ... drew me into it.
14. AAAli Abdaal
  Nice. I'll start listening to it on Audible today.
15. LBLana Blakely
  Yeah.
16. AAAli Abdaal
  Thank you very much.
17. LBLana Blakely
  Let me know what you thought.
18. AAAli Abdaal
  Lana, thank you so much. This has been absolutely wonderful.
19. LBLana Blakely
  It's been great.
20. AAAli Abdaal
  Um, any final message for people who might have listened to the three hours of this? Uh [laughs] -
21. LBLana Blakely
  Is it?
22. AAAli Abdaal
  Yeah. It's-
23. LBLana Blakely
  Is it?
24. AAAli Abdaal
  It's, like, 5:00 now.
25. LBLana Blakely
  Oh.
26. AAAli Abdaal
  We started recording at, like, 2:00. Um-
27. LBLana Blakely
  That's crazy
28. AAAli Abdaal
  ... yeah. Any, any final parting words of wisdom?
29. LBLana Blakely
  Um, ooh, words of wisdom. That sounds like-
30. AAAli Abdaal
  Or just anything to say